


In a Little While

by frickss75



Series: The Recovery of Bucky Barnes [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Artist Bucky Barnes, Artist Steve Rogers, Awesome Sharon Carter (Marvel), Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky has a cat, Bucky has a therapist, Bucky is getting better, Bucky is not an Avenger, Christmas Fluff, Depression, Dwarves as Cats, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Happiness does occur, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Rough Sex, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Soft Bucky Barnes, Stalking, Steve Rogers is a SMOL, Steve and Bucky are married, Telepathic Wanda Maximoff, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, Top Steve Rogers, both are artists, painting as therapy, past suicide attempt references, wanda maximoff is a good sis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-01-28 22:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 612,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frickss75/pseuds/frickss75
Summary: Sequel fic to Until I Sleeps (my labor of love) Seems I wasn't done yet.Set a few months after Bucky and Steve's first anniversary, there is some unfinished business still to take care of it seems which unfortrunately create a few angsty situations for a our happy couple. But nothing they can't overcome right?If you haven't read the previous one, just know there are references to things that happened in so feel free to ask if you don't have the time to read 38 chapters lolDecember/January are always rough for Bucky but the upcoming trip Germany is setting off the triggers in many ways. Things like learning new information and simply seeing a photograph or simply seeing an item from his past are enough to set off his anxiety all over again.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Wanda Maximoff, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Sharon Carter & Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Series: The Recovery of Bucky Barnes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542769
Comments: 320
Kudos: 124





	1. Unsettled

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter, and I don't know how long this one will, probably not as long as the last fic (although I thought that one was gonna be short too so haha) so no chapter limit, I will also add characters and tags as the situation calls. 
> 
> Artwork on my Tumblr (coming shortly)

They were all packed, and were just finishing up breakfast, because, as Captain America always reminded his spouse ‘it’s the most important meal of the day Buck..’ which always caused a roll of the eyes from him. Mornings were not his thing, usually requiring a couple cups of coffee to get him going.

“They should make it later in the day then.” He’d grumbled one morning. “I’d enjoy it more.”

He remembered Steve grinning and basically hauling him off the bed, on some occasions throwing him of his shoulder, and carting him to the kitchen to eat. He was very adamant about these things and as much Bucky pretended to be annoyed by this adherence to tradition, he loved him for it. Because he was always taking care of his grumpy bear, even when he growled at him.

Bucky had still scheduled his one on one sesssions and meetings at the VA, as well as plans with friends later in the morning but the plane was leaving early today. And it was fucking cold as all hell, being almost mid-December at all. Which had not improved his mood, because icy cold weather brought with it a myriad of issues for him. The aches and pains from his laundry list of old injuries and scars, which brought along the emotional baggage that came with them.

His depression and irritability during cold or inclement weather was legendary now.

The date didn’t help either. It was a little too close to an unpleasant anniversary that he badly wanted to be out of town for. For reasons. His friendship with Tony was still in an early, tentative phase and he didn’t want to aggravate that old wound after working so hard to heal it.

All that and the first destination on the leg of this trip was contributing to him not being in the best of moods this morning. And he didn’t hear Steve’s question at first, the caffeine taking forever to kick into his muddled mind as he fed Arya a little bit of sausage as a treat.

“Are you sure about this?”

Bucky looked up at him, almost as if he didn’t know what Steve meant. He looked back at the cat on his lap and then at Steve. “Vet said it was okay as long as it was small pieces.”

“That’s not what meant.” Steve corrected, giving Arya’s little head a quick scratch. “I meant, we could always postpone if you’re not ready.”

“How many times are you gonna ask me that?” Bucky responded, a little shortly. “I’m as ready as I’m ever gonna be for this.” He shook his head and drank another gulp of coffee. “It’s a little late to second guess anyways.” He looked at Steve over his coffee mug and added. “And I just.. wanna be out of town before.. you know..”

“I know Buck I just..” Steve said, understandingl what he meant, and put his hand on Bucky’s metal one. “I love you and I just.. wanna make sure you’re okay that’s all.” He let his thumb trail over the metal segments, which Bucky could feel actually. “Especially after the other day and all.”

He knew what Steve was talking about and flinched slightly. The memory of that sever anxiety attack he’d had at the compound fell into his head. The feeling of being unable to breath, the vision distortion and nausea, not to mention the violent shaking that came with it. He knew these scared Steve when they happened. And that fact that that had been his first really bad one in over a year had made it concerning to him.

Not to mention the flashback that had come with it. A setback that had pissed Bucky off for a few days. The frustration because he thought he was past that shit but here was his mind going pop again on him.

Even though Amelia had told him it was perfectly normal to have setbacks like that. That the time of year might’ve contributed to it, upping his stress level a little. Bucky knew exactly what had caused it thought and kicked himself for opening up that damn file on the computer and setting off the meltdown in his still healing brain.

He saw Steve watching him with and he didn’t want to get back into that, not wanting to worry him regarding his fears of a relapse in the face of a very important trip. Didn’t want to acknowledge that worry openly for fear that Steve would insist on postponing the trip. It would start a fight Bucky did not want that right now. He wanted to get this over with.

“I’m okay Steve.” He said, his voice quiet as he petted Arya, who was now purring on his lap. “I talked to Amelia and we.. worked through a few things.” He tried to give a reassuring smile. “So stop being a worrywart punk.”

“I know you did.” Steve told him, squeezing his hand. “But worrying about you is my job jerk and I take it very seriously.”

Bucky smiled, feeling the irritability dissipate a little at the way Steve looked when he said that. Unable to help himself he leaned over, wrapping his hand around Steve’s neck and kissed him, tasting coffee and cinnamon among other things as he did. He felt Steve’s hand bunch his ponytail in between his fingers as they let it linger for a moment longer.

“I love you punk.” He told him as he pulled his lips away. “Even though you are annoying as all hell.”

“The feelings mutual jerk.” Steve retorted, keeping his and in Bucky’s hair. “You all packed?”

“Yeah.” He told him, sitting back a little and petting Arya again. “So is she.”

Arya was going with them and she even had her own travel pack, which including travel dishes and a portable litter box. They were going to be gone at least a week, maybe more, and he would not leave her for that long. He wanted, needed her around and so they had a travel pack just for her. All her shot were in order and she was fit to fly with them which had certainly put his mind at ease.

“Got your medicine packed too right?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, feeling like a child for a moment. “Of course.” He shot back with a little sharpness in his voice. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Easy there boo bear.” Steve told him as he got up and kissed his head sweetly. “I’m just checking.”

They were fortunate enough that Tony had volunteered his private plane for them as well, so it wasn’t on a set schedule, but still had to leave early as they wanted to be in Germany by mid-afternoon. But the private jet wasn’t just for scheduling or allowing them to sleep. Or as Tony had said once, to accommodate the furball, but for another reason as well.

Tony had fully understood that being packed in a plane with a bunch of strange people would’ve done Bucky’s mental health no good so he’d offered, provided they make sure the ‘damn furball’ didn’t piss on the rug. And Bucky had remembered not only being amused by this sentiment, but touched as well. Though he didn’t say it out loud, he was grateful.

He and Tony had come a long way, which was he didn’t want to jeopardize that by being around on the 16th. Their conversation on the fairgrounds having opened the door to developing a tentative friendship. And Tony had seen first-hand several incidents of the occasional fragility of Bucky’s mental health sometimes. Including the most recent one.

Although Bucky still hadn’t confessed what had caused that yet. He’d only talked about it in therapy. He wasn’t sure why he was holding it back from Steve especially, but he was. It just seemed necessary for now. It was the way it was it worked with him sometimes that even with Steve it took awhile to fully open up and sometimes that frustrated him too.

Steve must’ve seen these thoughts on his face because he hesitated before getting up. “You okay?” He asked, studying him closely. “Forget something.”

“No.” Bucky answered a little too quickly he noted to himself. “I’m fine.”

Steve looked like he didn’t 100 percent believe him but didn’t push it. “Alright then let’s get going.” Steve insisted, pulling Bucky to his feet like he needed help. “Plane’s waiting for us.”

Bucky grabbed his backpack with the arm that wasn’t holding Arya, looking adorable in her little burgundy colored harness, a gift from her Auntie Wanda, and slung it over his right shoulder, as well as his jacket that he’d put on in the car. He looked around the house for just a moment, seeing the Christmas decorations and smiling, knowing they’d be back right on time for it. Baring any unforeseen circumstances that was. He heard Arya meow as he attached her leash to her harness, just as a precaustion.

“You ready little darlin?” He asked the little cat, who just looked up at him curiously. “This is your plane ride isn’t that exciting?”

Interestingly it was also Bucky’s first since returning to the states 3 years ago. His last several plan rides had been exceptionally unpleasant. One involving being in restraints and the other he had been in terrible pain, having just lost his arm again. And even though Berlin and its ghosts were the first part of the trip, the second part involved a warmer place where he’d first gone to heal as well, for some much-needed updates and maintenance on his arm. Well overdue if the Skype’s from Shuri were indication.

Wakonda would be a wonderful reprieve after Berlin he knew. Even if it meant some more medical work at least it was safe. And warmer too.

Riding in the car on the way to the airport, Bucky sort of whistfully looked out the window at Brooklyn and the rest of New York City passing him by out the window. These places were safe, his comfort zone and to leave it and go far away again filled him that old fear of never coming back he’d had the first time he’d left New York to go off to Europe. And how it had taken over 70 years to truly come home. And feeling that now he did his best to reassure himself that he would be coming back a lot sooner than that. To their warm, safe home tucked inside their own little corner or Brooklyn.

He may not have born there but it had been home since he was young and always would be.

He felt Steve’s hand take his metal one as he drove. “You alright?” He asked again, kissing the fingers softly.

“Yeah I suppose.” Bucky said, laying his head back against the head-rest and turning it to look at Steve. “I’m just gonna miss home that’s all..” He sighed heavily. “It’s the first time I’m going this far away from it since.. you know.”

“I know.” Steve said with that same soft look. “But I guarantee you won’t be away anywhere near as long.”

Bucky smiled and closed his eyes, letting himself relax in the passenger seat. Keeping his nerves at bay for the time being. _We will return_.. he heard the voice of the Winter Soldier say in his head, the steadying voice that was glad had never left him. _Steve will make sure of it. _

Turning his head, Bucky looked at the window and took that into him, that it would be okay.

\--

Steve watched Bucky as he stared out the window of the plane, looking like if he could, he’d jump out right there. Because he clearly didn’t want to go back here, even though he said he was okay he obviously wasn’t. But it was too late to go back, and all Steve could do was support him in this situation that suddenly cropped up for them both.

At least the timing was fortuitous he supposed.

He had remembered Sharon’s phone call, telling them that they needed Bucky’s full statement regarding the Berlin incident. And it had be done there unfortunately for legal purposes. That they had no choice but to ask this now that Bucky’s mental had been stabilized for at least a year now and his testimony could be taken. And because Zemo was finally being tried for that too, after the conviction in Austria for the bombing.

The family members of the people killed in the Berlin incident inside the compound were demanding justice and if they couldn’t have the Winter Soldier, due to his being declared not guilty by reason of mental disease or defect, they needed to convict Zemo for these as well. It may have seemed ancillary seeing as the man was already convicted and serving multiple life sentences, but it was necessary to placate those in Berlin who wanted justice too.

And Bucky was a key witness in this unfortunately. And a lot of people there were still calling for his head for it in spite of his acquittal for it years ago. So Steve knew that Bucky was going to have to face this again over 4 years after the fact and had worried about the effect it would have on him to revisit this now.

“I’m not sure about this.” He’d told him as they’d sat in the art room, Bucky’s face unreadable as he sat in front of his easel. “Maybe they could put it off a little longer.”

“How much longer Steve?” Bucky had said in a hollow voice, a slight tremble in his right hand. “Those people deserve justice don’t they?”

“So we should just serve you up to the mob there?” Steve asked incredulously. “They want your blood too Buck and that worries me.”

“I can take care of myself Steve.”

Steve had leaned over and taken his hands tightly. “I know you can Buck that’s not what this is about.”

Bucky had looked up at him, his eyes barely hiding pain underneath them. “Then what is it about?” He asked, sounding as if he was keeping his voice even just barely. “Because if I can’t give them an ounce of justice for what I did there than its just delaying it.” His hands wrapped around Steve’s tightly. “He needs to be held accountable and if I don’t do it who will?”

Steve had remembered the pained yet determined look on Bucky’s face as he said this. Thinking about how strong he was. How strong he’d had to have to been to overcome so much and carry those scars with him. He’d watched him fight through his illness like he’d torn through his enemies and had come out standing on his feet in spite of being knocked down. And now they were asking him to fight again and he was willing to do it, if it brought a measure of justice for those who had simply been in the the Winter’s Soldier’s misguided path of destruction.

“I’m just worried about you okay?” He told him, wrapping his hand around the back of his head to kiss it softly. “I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

He felt Bucky bury his head against his shoulder and Steve wrapped his arms around him and just hugged him tight. Wishing like he didn’t have to do this but knew in his heart that he did. “As long as you’re with me punk.. “ Bucky whispered into his shoulder that quite afternoon in his favorite room in the house. With his paintings on the wall and a growing collection of stuffed animals. “I’ll be alright.”

“Of course I will.” He’d said into his hair. “I promise.”

He sat back down next to him on the plane now, watching as he petted Arya, who seemed to have no trouble adjusting to plane travel, staring out the window at the passing clouds over the Atlantic Ocean. The little car was resting on his metal arm, which was next to the window and Steve simply wrapped his arm around Bucky’s right shoulder and petted her too.

“Enjoying the view gorgeous.” He asked him, pressing his lips to the side of Bucky’s head.

“Not much to look at.” Bucky answered, taking Steve’s other hand with his right, folding their fingers together. “Just a lot of water.”

Steve looked at their entwined fingers, seeing the wedding band on Bucky’s, because in his own words, it fit better on his flesh hand than his metal one, and the way Steve’s own sort clanked softly against it. Bucky never took it off either, along with his dog tags and the two bracelets he wore. One of them his engagement one, and the other the rope band Wanda had given him on their wedding day. These items had a grounding, talismanic effect on him, and if he had to take them off for whatever reason, he’d kept a watchful eye on them until they were back on.

“You sure you’re alright?” He asked, brushing his lips over Bucky’s hair. “You can tell me you know.. I’m not gonna turn the plane around or anything. Although I could try..”

Bucky seemed to smile at that for a moment before getting serious. “It’s just.. sometimes if feels like this shit will never go away.” Bucky admitted, turning his head and laying it on Steve’s shoulder. “And I’m just tired you know?”

“I know you are.” He whispered into his hair. “How about you take a nap.. still got several hours until we get there.”

Bucky nodded, for once not arguing, probably too tired to, and just leaned against Steve a little more now, letting his head rest on his shoulder. “You’re a good pillow punk.” He told him with a cute little smile. “Don’t mind if I use you right?”

“You can use me for anything you want jerk.” Steve told him, brushing his lips over his head again. “I mean that.”

He felt him drift off in his shoulder and pulled him a little more against him for more comfort. Thinking about that anxiety attack he’d had the other day, the one he still wouldn’t admit the cause of. The way he’d looked terrified for a moment when Steve had put his hands on his shoulders, as if wanted to pull away. And how he’d had a few nightmares since as well. Whatever it had been, it may have been related to this trip, but he had a feeling it was more than just that.

He’d been looking at some of the archived stuff Tony had at the compound when it had had happened. Steve had been in a discussion in the other room and thought Bucky had been taking too long looking the computer information and had checked on him, only to find his husband in a familiar state and it had scared the shit out of him.

He’d hadn’t seen him that bad in a while. He’d had minor ones but that one had been full blown.

Bucky had been shaking violently, his eyes far away and Steve had to basically fist his hair firmly and talk to him in a commanding voice. Or more accurately, talk to the Soldier, almost commanding him to come forward to steady Bucky. It had been a perfected method when he’d had these breakdowns.

“At ease Soldier.” He told him, his fingers gripping Bucky’s loose ponytail. “At eased.”

The effect was always immediate, and Bucky went limp like a kitten and Steve was able to embrace him at that point. But getting him talk had been futile. And he couldn’t be forced to either. He just had to wait him out again like he always did.

At home that night Bucky’s painting had been chaotic, with a lot of jagged lines and distorted figures and he didn’t want to talk about that either, doing his best to deflect whatever way he could. Which sometimes meant initiating sexual encounters. Insisting he needed to be contained and controlled until he was stable again. He remembered the way he’d climbed over him, looking down at him with that slightly mad look in his eyes.

“Bucky?” He’d asked, reaching up to put his hands on his face. “I wish you’d talk to me.”

“I don’t wanna talk.” Bucky had replied, his eyes almost begging him. “Not now.. please..”

He had told him many times that he could use him if he needed to, that it was okay. And that had been part of their relationship and marriage and probably always would be. As long as Bucky wasn’t using it to hurt himself that was. When Bucky felt out of control and needing of restraint, he made it clear like that, and Steve always gave him what he needed. And that night he did.

But he wished he would open up about it all. This was a habit of Bucky’s too, closing down, almost as if he was protecting Steve from it, and he’d said as much in the aftermath of that encounter. Admitting to that at least.

“I’ve put you through enough.” He’d said as he laid curled up in Steve’s arms. “You don’t need anymore weight on those broad shoulders punk.”

“You know when I said ‘for better or worse’ or ‘the end of the line’ I meant it jerk.” He’d whispered against his head. “You don’t have to protect me from the dark parts.” He’d lifted his chin to kiss him. “I love every part of you.. and married all of you.”

“I know.” Bucky had said against his lips, voice filled with emotion. “You still.. deserve better..”

He still said things like that when he was low, and it always hurt him to hear it even now. Most of the time things were better, as close to normal as possible. Happiness, warmth, peace and quiet had filled their lives on a daily basis. Normalcy, which was so important for them both, but especially for Bucky. Routine and stability. But when he had the bad ones, he had to remind Bucky and himself that it was just a passing thing. And winter was just always going to be rough and would have to ridden out.

They’d make due like they always did. And now they were on a plane, making due again, ready to deal with another fight that was worth fighting even if it left them both a bit bruised and bloody at the end of it.

And Christmas was coming in the middle of it. There was that. Bucky did enjoy Christmas. He’d grown to appreciate it he’d told him once, because he’d gone so long without things like that. In fact he told Steve he was pretty sure they’d sent him out on a mission once right that time. More than once actually.

“It’s kinda fucked up.” He told Steve the year before. “But what can you do right?”

What Bucky could and did do, was serve the veterans Christmas dinner on the 24th just like he did on Thanksgiving. He and Sam had gotten their other friends to as well and it had now become a tradition and seemed to be happiness to those who sometimes had little in their lives to make them happy, to meet superheroes and just to be given a hot meal.

And when he’d laid in bed the next morning, as was their growing to tradition to just stay in the next day and celebrate each other, he’d explained why it was so important to him, although Steve thought he knew why.

“I know what it’s like to be them.” He’d said, as he laid on his back, looking up Steve with those beautiful eyes of his. “To be broken and alone and feel like you have nothing.” He’d tried to smile bravely about this and Steve thought he’d beautiful trying though. “I spent years like that and… it’s the least I can do..”

Steve remembered kissing him at that moment as if to tell him he didn’t have to feel that way ever again, remembering the feel of one metal hand and one flesh one on his face and thought this was the best way to spend Christmas.

And had pride in the fact that Bucky was changing the world in smaller but more profound ways. It didn’t come with superhero glory but with the knowledge that someone like him was being helped somewhere. That life was being saved instead of taken. He hoped someday Bucky would recognize that the good he’d done outweighed the bad by a country mile. That he would truly forgive himself in that process. But for now he’d settle for seeing the sense of accomplishment he got from his new job. And just watching reshape his life right in front of him.

Steve rested his chin on Bucky’s head, letting him nap, and just watched the clouds go by the window for now.

\--

He’d managed to make it through landing in Lestag, a place that was so surreal to go back to after all this time. He’d managed that fine. Even cracking a joke that it looked better than before than before they’d destroyed it that day.

The streets of Berlin that he’d been carted through in a heavily armored car he’d been able to manage too, he tuned out during that ride. Recalling that he’d shut down quite considerably during it to the point where he barely remembered it now.

Even the crowd of people outside the CIA headquarters in Berlin hadn’t bothered him as much as he thought. Many of them just wanting to get a look at him and Steve. And others that were less friendly, holding up pictures of dead people that Bucky had presumed had died in there. At his mind-controlled hands. He heard a few angry phrases thrown at him as they were escorted through security, but he was used to that. Hell he still got it at home too, even though most of America had moved on from him in that way. He was known more for charity work now and Captain America’s spouse and that was fine by him.

Even being inside the building, while being horribly familiar, hadn’t hit him that hard, at least not right away. He supposed part of it was his lack of memory of the incident in question, and another was possibly the Winter Soldier part of him keeping that away from him, and keeping him steady. But he also thought it might have been the very strong emotional shutdown he’d put himself into the minute they’d arrived. It was so strong and yet so subtle he hadn’t realized he’d done it.

It hadn’t stopped Steve from checking on him though, wrapping his hand around his arm on the elevator and leaning close. “You okay?” He asked, his blue eyes boring into Bucky face, trying to read it.

“Just peachy keen.” Bucky had recalled answering, trying to give him a reassuring smile he didn’t quite feel inside. “Stop worrying.”

But he didn’t feel fine, just hollow and blank. He had over the years, perfected the art of protection. Of shutting down the emotions to keep himself even. He’d learned that through the brutal torture and pain that they’d called conditioning and programming. It was an old habit he still utilized sometimes, which had never ceased to frustrate Steve. Although he was much better at opening up now, it was usually when they were alone in bed, when he felt particularly raw and vulnerable that he let that heavy guard down.

Or in therapy. That was safe too. And he was letting it down with his friends too. Sam and Wanda in particular.

But here, out in the open, in front of people he didn’t trust and never would, it was better to keep that poker face. But it didn’t stop the minute tremble of his hand, or the hyper-alert flicker of his eyes that he knew Steve could see clearly.

It wasn’t until about halfway through the questioning that facade broke down a little. Because of an object put on the table in front of him. One he hadn’t seen in over 4 years but still brought out that same feeling of dread and terror in him that it always had.

“Tell us about this.” The interviewer had said in that government bullshit matter of fact tone. “What it was used for.”

Bucky was only peripherally aware of a look exchange between Steve and Sharon, who was also present at this meeting, of at first confusion then understanding of it and what it meant. Bucky himself had no such confusion regarding it. He just stared at it, feeling his heart start to race, his breathing quicken, his vision begin to sway. Everything suddenly seemed bright and loud around him, the low fan noise increasing in his ears. That hyper-aware state that turned up the dial on every sense.

Memories threatening to crowd in, already there actually and all he wanted to do was leave. To escape.

The red book with the star on it stared back at him like a sentiment being. The horrors inside its pages wanting to come out and consume him. It had no physical power anymore, the programming had been removed, but that didn’t matter. It still terrified him to see it.

Remembering how Zemo had pulled it out and put it on the table. How he had been trapped in that contraption, unable to move. Or to escape. A captive listener like he’d always been. How horrifying it had been to know what would happen and be unable to stop it. Practically begging him to stop, unable to get away from it.

It was like being tortured and raped all over again and the memory, the flashback that was threatening to overtake him, was terrifying.

“Where did you get this?” He asked, his voice sounded shaky and far away in his head.

“It was found in the rumble of what was left of that compound in Siberia.” The Agent said in that same business-like tone. “We know it has probative value, but that also that it was used by Zemo to trigger you. We need to know that works if we are going to convict him for this too.”

Bucky barely heard the second part, was still focused on the words ‘probative value’. “What possible value could this have to you?” He asked, his voice breaking even more. “Unless you’re planning on.. using it..”

“The information could be vital is what we are saying. “ The Agent continued, not put off by Bucky’s demeanor at all it seemed. Although Sharon looked alarmed, like she was about to the pull the plug. “Can you decipher it?”

“Wait a minute.” Steve said finally. “What does that have to do with putting that bastard away?”

“Because Captain Rogers, we need to be able to sell this in our tribunal, or there will be no justice for those who died do understand?” The Agent replied as if annoyed by the interruption. “The courts in the US may understand what happened to Sergeant Barnes enough to acquit him, but we need more here. We need to understand precisely how Zemo was able to control him.”

Bucky barely heard any of this, his right hand simply reaching up and opening the cover of the book. It felt slimy and dirty to him to do it, thinking of all the things that must’ve been stored in it. He read random passages, easily translating the Russian words. He stopped when it got to _the words_, hearing them in his head like a nightmare mantra that still showed up in his dreams.

“You got interpreters.” Bucky said out loud tightly. “You don’t need me.” His shaking fingers still trailed over the Russian word for _Longing,_ unable to let his eyes go any further. He didn’t need to read it to remember it. “All it is, is instructions on how to make a super soldier.. He just said the words they hurt into my subconscious is all.. that’s what turned me.”

Those memories were still fuzzy and fractured, even with the Winter Soldier’s memories they were never going to come in clearly. And Amelia had told him they probably never would. That the level of pain, physical, mental and psychological, were so extreme that it was blocked from his conscious mind to protect him. Any time he tried to get to it he couldn’t, nerve endings in his body would light up in random places, ghosts of terrible pain that howled until he left it alone.

“It’s a good thing.” She’d told him once in therapy. “You don’t want to remember that kind of pain.”

He didn’t. But he still felt the effects. And those nerve endings were lighting up now by touching that evil thing. Even though it was an inanimate object it still had that malicious aura around it. As if it was sentient and aware of his presences and wanted to hurt him again. Using only the tips of his fingers he closed it and pushed it away from him.

“You should get rid of it.” He told them, shaking harder now and feeling Steve’s steady hand on his back. “Destroy it or whatever.” He took a hard breath to steady himself. “Nothing good ever came out of it.”

“What we do with it isn’t up to you.” The Agent said, that aggravating tone still in his voice. “Its evidence and it has strategic value.”

Bucky felt his anger flare at that, causing him to flash on a few days prior, when he’d been doing some research to help with his therapy, and this goddamn trip when he’d stumbled on something that had stopped him cold and cause that severe anxiety attack. 

The Archive at the compound had a lot of information obviously, because the Avengers had needed that to operate. Tony himself had a lot of access to vital and ‘strategic’ info and one of these was the Hydra and S.H.E.I.L.D. files that Nat had so generously released to the public. And in some of those files he’d found some old photos. And information regarding them.

He’d found pictures of Armin Zola working with American scientists. Pictures of people like Howard Stark and Peggy Carter among others with him. If that hadn’t been enough, he’d learned about how he’d actually been recruited, along with other Nazi/Hydra ghouls and butchers as having ‘strategic value’ to them. He’d lived comfortably in the US until he died in 1972. This information had overwhelmed him at the time but now, hearing this asshole who had probably been born in the 90’s, talking about ‘strategic value’ had pissed him off.

“Strategic value?” He asked angrily, pushing back from the table. “You mean like recruiting people who tortured and killed US servicemen? Or innocent civilians.” He was shaking and Steve was the only thing keeping him from throwing down right there. “I know all about that crap.. the head of goddamn SHEILD was my damn CO at one point, ordering to kill people for ‘strategic value’ and the fucking ‘good of mankind.” He glared at him. “I’ve had enough that bullshit thank you.”

“We respect your opinion Sergeant Barnes and understand how you must feel.”

“You don’t understand shit.” He hissed at him. “Don’t patronize me like that.”

Sharon, who understand better than that younger shithead, spoke finally. “Some of us do.” She told him, smiling as softly as she could. “We do.”

“Thank you Sharon.” Steve said, taking Bucky’s hand to relax him. “Is he done with the statement?”

“For today yes.” She told them. “And he doesn’t have to testify in court, the statements will be enough.” The other agent looked like he was going to protest and she stopped him. “They are done for now and I will deal with you later for pulling that.”

He was grateful for her at the moment, he didn’t know her well but Steve trusted her. And she seemed to be the snot-nosed jerk’s superior, dismissing him so she could talk to them on her own. Bucky himself felt sick and disorientated now and simply wanted to leave but couldn’t just yet, needing to steady himself. It didn’t help that that book was still on the table either.

“What are you gonna do with that thing?” Steve asked as if reading Bucky’s mind. “The book.”

“It is evidence but after that I don’t know what they plan to do with it.” She answered. “I’m not that high up.”

“Get rid of it.” Bucky repeated. “Please don’t let them use it.”

A sudden memory of being horrifically hurt as they were setting the programming flooded his mind in his over-stressed state. The spasm of such severe pain that he felt sick. He’d thrown up then and he was going to throw up now, his face paling in an obvious way to everyone.

“There’s a bathroom down the hall.” Sharon told them. “It’s public.”

He let Steve escort, feeling too damn weak to get there himself, barely holding it in. The pain spasm memory was barreling through his head and the nausea increased as they walked. He felt Steve’s warm arm around him, holding him up until they got there. When he was finally inside the stall he just bent over and emptied his stomach until it was just dry heaves.

“It’s okay Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice as if far away, his hand cool on his neck. “It’s alright.”

It seemed to take forever for the spasm to stop, for his body to stop shaking. He felt Steve crouch down behind him and wrap his arms around him, pulling back against and he just whimpered, allowing himself to be held from behind like that. Feeling Steve’s cool hand on his forehead, his lips by his ear, comforting him as best he could.

“It hurts.” He moaned painfully. “I can feel it all over and I just..”

“Sssh.” Steve said in his ear as they sat there. “You’re safe.”

All the stress of it was pouring out of his body, making him feel weak and pathetic. He thought he was past all of this but he clearly wasn’t. It was horrible how quickly, even after a year of not having incidents like this he’d now had two in the last week. It made him feel so defective, even though Amelia had told him these things might happen. That he’d be fighting this whole life. But also reminded him that he had love and family and a life and to remember that too. But in times like this it was hard. Especially being so far from home.

“We’re gonna get you back to the hotel okay?”

Bucky nodded, turning into his shoulder a little. “Yeah okay.” He said with a shaky voice, gripping his shirt and trying to force a smile. “Just get me out of here punk.”

He felt Steve brush his hair and lift his head to kiss it. “Whatever you want jerk.”

\--

Steve watched Bucky as he slept, Arya curled up next to him, sleeping under the metal arm like she always did so trustingly. It was a sight he loved, one he’d gotten used to over the last year and half or so. His little family snuggled up together, even it wasn’t there bed, it still felt like home.

Usually after a bad anxiety attack Bucky was pretty tired, and he was informed that letting him rest was the best treatment once he was sufficiently calm. He saw him twitch slightly in his sleep and was concerned of course of the potential for fitfulness and nightmares. So he climbed in behind him and wrapped his arms around him, making sure he felt safe in the deep reaches of his sleep. Nuzzling the back of his neck softly, he kept a loose arm around his waist and laid just like that, giving him comfort as best he could.

Sharon had been apologetic about the crap the younger agent had pulled on Bucky in there and assured him that that wasn’t in the initial plans and that a reprimand would most likely occur. They did have to come back the next day for a few more follow-up questions and were also reassured that the agent in question would not be a part of it.

Steve, after finally getting Bucky out of the bathroom had sat him in a nearby chair, where he’d leaned over, his hands on the back of his head, trying to keep himself level while still there. And Sharon had seemed concerned about this as well.

“How’s he doing?” She asked quietly. “Not just here but.. you know what I mean.”

Steve rested his hand on his hips and took a deep breath. “Overall he’s been good, doing real well but.” He paused for a moment to look over at him. “He’s had a little setback lately but.. his therapist says that’ll happen.”

“That’s good.” She’d replied, biting her lip. “The reason I ask is that I wanted to make sure you knew we only called you here because our reports show him stabilized.” She looked over with a soft look. “We had no intentions of.. picking at wounds.”

“It’s not you’re fault Sharon.” Steve reassured her, putting his hand on her arm. “It’s still a work in progress.” He looked over himself, just to check to make sure he was still in the chair. “I should get him back to the hotel for now.”

“Alright.” She said, nodding. “See you tomorrow and.. take care of yourselves okay?”

It had been good to see her again, see that she was reinstated after her involvement with them. She was good people, just like her aunt. At that moment Steve’s focus just had been on taking care of his husband at this point and was very grateful when she showed them a back way out to avoid the crowd.

And now here they were, just laying in the darkening room. It was snowing out there, just like it would be at home and it created that interesting, intermittent light that showed through the snowflakes, causing a strange light quality in the room. Steve nuzzled the back of Bucky’s neck a little more and held him a little closer as he rested in his arms.

Bucky seemed to start a little, his body trembling slightly as he woke. Most likely from an unpleasant dream. “It’s okay.” Steve whispered in his ear. “You’re safe.”

“I guess so.” Bucky replied, subconsciously seeming to back more into Steve’s body. “It’s not our bed though.”

“Yeah but.. everything we need is right here.” Steve said softly, nuzzling his lips against his ear. “A fluffy cat and a gorgeous brunette, what more could I ask for?”

Bucky seemed to chuckle a little at that, which was good to hear. “Don’t forget the hot blonde.” He mused. “That’s the best part.”

“Well.. I didn’t want to toot my own horn.” Steve sassed back. “But I thought that was implied.” He then got a little serious. “Are you okay?”

Bucky turned slightly onto his back and looked up at him, wrapping the metal hand around the back of Steve’s and leaned his head against his. “I don’t’ know.” Bucky replied quietly, his eyes closing painfully. “I’m a little messed up right now and I’m sorry.”

Steve shook his head and put his hand on his face gently, staring down into his troubled blue eyes. “Don’t apologize for that Buck you just reacted that’s all.” He told him, letting his hand brush that beautiful brown hair of his. “It’s okay.”

“I was fine for so long and then.. 2 in one week.” Bucky lamented, biting his lip. “I thought I was past it but I guess I’m not.”

“It’s just a setback Buck that’s all it is.” He tried to reassure him. “You’ll get past it.”

Something seemed to flicker in Bucky’s eyes and he leaned up on an elbow, staring intently at Steve. He thought at first he was going to contradict him in some way but was a bit surprised by what he asked him instead.

“Did you know?”

He was confused by the question, and the look in Bucky’s eyes gave him a strange sense of déjà vu. “Know about what?”

“About Zola.” Bucky answered, his eyes flickering in that strange half-light coming in through the window. “That he was recruited after.”

Steve understood why that strange sense had come over him now, remembering Tony long ago in Siberia asking a similar question, with dire consequences then. There was a similar, yet different look in Bucky’s eyes, not grief-stricken hurt but a tense kind of anger. As if something was held back from him. And the truth was, it had been. Because they’d never discussed it. And he knew he had to tell the truth no matter how Bucky reacted to it.

“Yeah I did.” He admitted. “I knew that he was one of the ones they brought over.”

That anger flashed a little in his eyes, like a stormy sea. “And you didn’t tell me?” He asked, sitting up a little more, the cat shifting between them now. “Why?”

“It was a long time ago Buck what good would it do to tell you that?” Steve replied, letting his hand rest on Bucky’s flesh arm, his other arm bracing himself. “You were dealing with a lot of shit and I didn’t want to add to it.”

“Maybe then yes but what about after?” Bucky asked, the anger increasing a little. “Did you think was too fucking fragile to handle it?”

Steve knew some of this anger was just residue from his attack, the feeling of weakness and fear that brought back. Fear that he was regressing and a need to maintain some control over the situation. But he also knew there was something else there as well, remembering that Bucky had brought this up in the interview as well, and mentioned knowledge of the government doing that. He began to wonder about his attack earlier this week. Bucky had been looking at archived information at the compound after all.

“You found out.” Steve said, keeping his voice even. “That’s what caused your attack at the compound wasn’t it?”

Bucky looked defensive, sitting up fully on the bed now. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Because I don’t have to and you know it.” Steve countered, sitting up himself and putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “You know why I didn’t tell you.” He looked in eyes, trying to steady and calm him before he worked himself up again. “Now you answer me..” He lifted one of his hands and buried his fingers in Bucky’s hair, fisting it softly. “Just talk to me please.”

“Yes.” He answered finally. “I saw pictures… of him..”

Steve gently flexed his fingers in Bucky’s hair, understanding perfectly well why that had hit him in such a profound way. It felt so wrong, so heinous in so many ways to know that some of those people had not only gotten away with what they’d done, but actually been rewarded for it in a way. Because Zola had useful skills and information that the government could use. And protection as well. Bucky had been his lab rat and was still paying for it even now and it hurt to think of how that must’ve felt for him to know.

“Bucky..”

“I’m fine.” Bucky said with a voice that sounded tight. “I can deal with it.”

“Can you?”

“Yes.” He snapped at Steve. “Just drop it okay?”

He pulled Bucky’s face against his, holding it there, feeling him resist at first. Trying to comfort him, as if he could. There was really was he could do or say that was going to make this feel better, or to get him to talk. He could still feel him shaking and tightened his grip slightly in his hair trying to settle him even more.

“Then tell me what you need okay?” Steve asked after a few calming moments. “Let me help.”

Bucky sighed hard, closing his eyes. “I fee like I need a damn cigarette if you can believe that.” He told him, chuckling hollowly. “I’m that fucked up right now.” He then turned his head slightly, opening his eyes to look at Steve. “I’ll settle for a couple bottles of wine though.”

Steve didn’t like that he was feeling bad enough to want cigarettes, even though he hadn’t had one in almost 2 years, he still craved them when he stressed like this. But he also didn’t like the alternative either. He hadn’t tried to control the drinking because sometimes it was strictly for fun, or even to calm him enough to sleep when his mind raced, but he knew this time it was to self-medicate and it worried him just a little.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” He asked, letting his concern show visibly.

“As opposed to what?” Bucky asked, looking a bit cross as he sat back. “Crawling out of my skin?” He leaned back against the headboard of the bed. “It’s not like I have my easel with me to paint or anything and I don’t see any fucking punching bags around to destroy.”

“Okay I’ll get it for you.” Steve told him, sitting back resignedly. “Just take it easy okay?”

“I can handle myself punk.” Bucky reminded him. “Not like I can get drunk anyways.. they made sure of that.” His face pinched a little as he said that, before putting on a slightly sarcastic smile for Steve. “But your concern is touching as always.”

“Can the sarcasm jerk.” Steve replied, hearing the protective tone in his voice. “I’m getting it for you.”

He also got some food as well, and when it came Bucky went right for one of the bottles, opening it and downing a quarter of it almost right away. “You gonna eat?” He asked him as he gave Array some chicken.

“I just puked a few hours ago.” Bucky answered, holding the bottle by the neck. “It kinda killed my appetite.”

“And drinking on an empty stomach is gonna make you feel better?”

Bucky laid back on the bed with the bottle, giving him a sassy look that was tempting to do something about, if it wasn’t for the undercurrent of malaise there as well. He lifted the bottle up and downed another quarter of it quickly. That was another thing, he didn’t take long to savor it when he drank like this. It wasn’t like sipping wine it was a full-on binge. Steve had an urge to take the bottle from him and dump it along with the other but knew that just make matters worse rather than better.

“I feel better already.” Bucky told him, putting down even more of it. “Right as rain.”

Steve came over and sat down on the bed next to him and leaned over, his hand on the neck of the bottle. He saw Bucky almost get a possessive look at the idea that he might take, reinforcing the idea that trying to would make it worse. Instead he lifted his hand and put it on his face.

“I hate when you do this to yourself.”

Bucky stared back at him, his eyes already looking a little bleary. “Do what?”

“Numb yourself like this.”

“I’m fine.” Bucky said, his voice quiet as he took. “I am.”

“Bucky please.” He asked, his eyes soft. “Don’t do this again.”

He watched as he finished the bottle, putting it down hard on the bedside table. “What do you want me to say?” He asked, leaning up on his elbows. “How good it felt to find out that my own fucking government recruited the monster that tortured me over and over again for years.” His breathing increased as he sat up, reaching for the second bottle and opening it angrily. “The man that force that shit into my body and took the rest of my damn arm so he could give me a grand spanking new one to murder people with.” He seemed to seethe angrily, which maybe was a good thing. “He gets a comfortable life after he took away mine.”

He drank more of the wine, his eyes very bleary now, letting the alcohol take as much of an effect as it could possibly for him. And Steve sometimes wished he could truly get drunk. They both made peace with some aspects of their specialness, even enjoyed a great deal of it because it had, in many ways increased the intensity of their physical interactions as well as its healing properties. But they felt things much stronger too in other ways. And even though Bucky’s extraordinary brain had repaired itself it couldn’t cure everything that was wrong with him even now.

“And that little shit with that book.” Bucky said as he angrily disengaged himself from Steve and got up. “I’m done with it Steve I am.” He down even more of it, until there was only a third of the bottle left. “Hell I can even get fucking drunk enough to forget.. he even ruined that for me too.”

He turned toward the window, staring out at the falling snow with the bottle in his hand. Both that and metal of his arm reflecting that strange low light that seemed to be the sole property of the blue/white snow. His hair was a mess, mostly out of his ponytail and hanging around his face, clothing rumpled and just looking a bit of a mess. But Steve thought that even in a state of disarray he still looked stunningly beautiful. It was that haunted look he got sometimes in his stormy eyes. A look he could never quite get rid of.

Walking over he carefully slid his arm around him from behind. He felt Bucky stiffen slightly for a moment before relaxing and allowing it. Steve nuzzled his face against Bucky’s shoulder, pushing his hair aside to get to the warm, flushed skin of his neck and just stood there, trying to offer whatever comfort he would accept at this moment.

“It’s okay.” He whispered in his ear. “You don’t have to talk about it..” He tightened his arms a little more around Bucky’s waist and kissed his shoulder. “We can do whatever you want okay?”

Bucky still stood with his arms at his side, almost as if he didn’t want to touch him at the moment. Steve watched as he lifted the bottle and finished what was left of it, and he decided he was okay with that. Who was he begrudge him the right to numb himself from these things, because there was still just so much pain inside him that he was still working through. Just because he’d put his head back together and stabilized his life didn’t mean these things wouldn’t happen sometimes. And whatever way Bucky needed to cope he was willing to help him with.

“You need me to order some more?” He asked, sliding his hand down the arm holding the empty bottle and put his hand on it. “I will if you want.”

“You’re such an enabler punk.” Bucky said with a hint of good humor in his voice. “But sure why not?” He felt Bucky’s metal arm wrap around his acceptingly now. “Maybe just one more..”

Steve nuzzled his hair a little and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. “Anything for you jerk.”

He made the order and then put the phone down, re-wrapping Bucky in his arms from behind and just holding him like that for a long period of time. Just trying to still and comfort him as best he could. If he could make him talk, he could at least do that.

Later when Bucky got his third bottle opened, Steve put the condition that he at least eat something, and Bucky grudgingly did it. Feeding some to Arya at the same time, who gobbled up the tenders ordered specifically for her. And Bucky tore through the bottle that he had again, and his eyes looked a little more bleary and slightly tipsy as a result but it was what he wanted right now.

He didn’t always like enabling him like that but sometimes you had to compromise. It was a part of it for them too.

Steve reached over and pulled him onto his lap to kiss him softly, tasting the wine on his lips as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I see how it is punk.” Bucky purred against his lips, his hands gripping Steve’s shirt. “You’re just enabling me so you can…. Get me drunk and…” He pulled himself more onto Steve’s lap, his knees bent on either side of his hips. “Take advantage of me…”

“You just figured that out jerk?” Steve told him as he ran his lips over his neck. “That’s always my plan..”

He knew what else he needed too. An intense distraction. It was one thing that certainly hadn’t changed between them. Their intense and active intimacy. And even though Bucky sometimes used it to blow himself open that was okay too. They’d long since accepted this as part of their relationship too. Their intense relations weren’t just loving but very cathartic as well. Like blowing out the gunk in your car by racing down the highway. Whatever worked.

Bucky laid back on the bed, drinking the rest of the wine as Steve pulled his pants off him slowly until his lower half was exposed. He drank in the sight of him like that, with his legs parted on either side of Steve’s bent knees and sucked in a breath at just how beautiful his husband was. Steve then buried his face in Bucky’s stomach and tasted his skin, fully intending on pleasure him to insanity, wanting him to forget all about earlier. He flicked his eyes up at Bucky, who still finishing up the bottle of wine and ran his lips and tongue over those washboard abs that could rival Steve’s own, feeling Bucky’s hand, the one not holding the bottle, in his hair. He smiled against his skin and ran his hands over those amazing thighs of his that were starting to tighten against Steve’s wait beautifully.

“I like when you take advantage of me Captain Rogers.” Bucky seemed to moan, dropping the empty finally empty bottle on the floor with a barely audible clank on the rug. “I really do..”

“Good..” Steve purred to him, wrapping his arm around Bucky’s thigh as he moved south down his body. “Now let me take care of you Sergeant.”

And he did just that, not skimping on a thing. Giving him exactly what he needed tonight. 

\--

Bucky’s throat was dry, voice hoarse from the moans and cries of pleasure induced, but it definitely had the desired effect of clearing his mind that was for sure.

At one point his legs were wrapped around Steve’s neck, gripping the sheets and pushing his ass against Steve’s very talented lips and tongue as he pleasured him beautifully. His head rolled on the bed, body arching, metal hand gripping Steve’s hair and pulled it as he came and fell exhausted to the bed again.

Once he’d gathered his strength again, he’d turned himself around on his hands and knees, signaling his intent to be straight up fucked. He was so heated and so full of pent up energy he wanted Steve to just take him and dominate. He could feel Steve’s hot breath on his neck, his strong hands gripping his thighs and felt that wanton desire that could only be described as a fever, raging through him.

“Say it.” Steve growled commandingly in his ear and Bucky’s loosened even more at the sound of that demand. “Ask me nicely.”

Bucky moaned, feeling him pressed against him, ready to take him. “Fuck me..” He whined, pushing back against him. “Please…”

He felt Steve bit his shoulder, knowing it was gonna leave a pretty mark. “As you wish sweetheart..” That voice purred in his ear and Bucky’s eyes rolled in response. “Hold on.”

The combination of the remaining buzz from the 3 bottles of wine and Steve’s ability to wreck him combined for the greatest feeling of bliss as Steve filled him up in one beautiful, deep thrust. He whined again as Steve held him there for a moment before moving against him, slowly at first and then, as it usually did, went straight into full blown fucking and Bucky fell into that beautiful delirium where all he felt was insane pleasure. It was exactly what he wanted and needed he loved him for giving it to him.

“Yes..Steve..yes…” He gasped, clawing at the sheets under him, pulling out the corner. “Fuck…”

“You..want… more.. beautiful?” Steve growled between thrusts. “Say..it…”

“Yes…” Bucky whimpered, thrusting back against him, greedily wanting more. “Please..”

He cried as he was pounded harder and deeper and gone was everything from earlier. The sight of the red book, the memories of Zemo, of Zola, of the people outside the headquarters screaming for his head. Gone was the self-doubt and pain. The fear of losing his mind again. In this extended moment nothing could touch him. Nothing could hurt him. All he felt was pleasure and peace.

He felt safe again.

He vaguely felt Steve pulled his body against his, pulling his hair back to chew on his neck as he fucked him, claiming him again as his. Even though he would always be his Bucky loved this feeling of being reclaimed by his soulmate like this. It sent a wave of deep love through him, lighting him along with his rising orgasm and he knew this flood would knock him out and he welcome it.

And then there were a couple of hard, very deep thrusts that Bucky swore he could feel in his throat and it completely roared over him, every part of his body contracting, tightening around Steve even as he continued to thrust into him, and Bucky lost all sense of himself and his surroundings as that beautiful tsunami knocked him flat and he fell into that beautiful, peaceful haze.

It was pure bliss and he stayed there for a while.

When he finally arose from it he was wrapped up in Steve’s arms, laying on his side, face buried in his glorious chest. Bucky felt himself purr like a kitten and snuggled against him, just reveling the scent of Steve’s body in this sweet afterglow.

“There you are.” He heard Steve whisper, his lips brushing Bucky’s forehead, fingers in his hair. “Welcome back beautiful.”

Bucky smiled hazily, nuzzling Steve a little more, tucking his leg between his. Feeling exhausted in the best way possible. The kind of exhaustion that came from being thoroughly and happily fucked. The feeling only Steve could give him.

“I went somewhere?” He asked sleepily. “Didn’t notice.”

“You did.” Steve told him, his other hand rubbing Bucky’s hip sweetly. “And you looked happy.” Bucky felt him brush his lips over hiss forehead again sighed. “And beautiful.”

Bucky smiled and slid up just enough to kiss him, his hand on Steve’s face, feeling Steve’s own fingers threading though his hair sweetly. Their tongues met languidly and danced as they let it linger for a moment. It occurred to him that this was warmest and softest they’d been since his setback at the compound. He’d been kind of standoffish and cool and he felt bad about it now. Wanting to make up for it in some way.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly as he pulled his lips away from Steve’s to lay his head against his.

“You don’t have to apologize for taking a nap Buck.” Steve told him, that other hand still stroking him softly. “I kinda wore you out.”

“Not for that stupid.” Bucky reprimanded, pulling closer. “That felt great.” He opened his eyes, which were a mere inch from Steve’s sky-blue ones. “I’ve been.. a bit frosty lately.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve said with a soft voice, wrapping his hand around the back of his head a little more. “You’ve been hurting lately I get it.”

“I just… feel like I should be past this shit by now.” He confessed. “I went over a year without freaking out like that and then..” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Twice in one week.”

He felt Steve’s hand, comforting him as it ran circles over his back, hip and thigh, occasionally sliding softly over his ass, causing his eyes to flutter. The soft touches and just the feeling of raw vulnerability after they made love so intensely, always opened him up like this, turning him into a raw nerve sometimes. Because he was hurting again. Reliving things he’d rather forget. But at least this time he was doing it with a whole mind. Him and the Winter Soldier coping together, and it was the latters presence that had kept him steady lately and Bucky was so grateful for that.

“It’s gonna happen Buck.” Steve reassured him. “Especially if you’re under stress.”

“I had flashbacks.” He said suddenly, admitting it finally. “When I saw his picture in those archives I…I had one.. of being on the table and.. he was putting that shit into me and it..” He paused and bit his lip hard. “It hurt like hell.. I screamed the whole time..”

He shook with the memory of that feeling of his body being changed like that, feeling like he was being torn apart from the inside. Like an invasion. A rape of his body that he couldn’t fight against because he was strapped down. Thinking nothing could be worse than that feeling, but there was a lot worse that could be done he’d found out. A lot worse violations.

He felt Steve wrap him up in his arms, pulling his face against his shoulder and Bucky was content to bury himself there, his fingers clutching his shoulder, eyes squeezed shut, trying to push it away. To calm the violent shaking in his body at recalling this horror. One of many.

“When I saw that book I… I..” He stammered, clutching him tighter. “I had another one.. and I could… feel it...”

“Sssh.” He heard Steve say into his hair, stroking his back. “You don’t have to talk about it it’s alright.”

Bucky buried his face more into Steve’s shoulder, happy he gave him an out from that one. Remembering how he relived the pain in his body and it made him nauseous. There were so many memories that had done that, and the man holding him, his husband, his everything, knew a lot of them, and had watched him fight them. Had held him like this many times and he loved him so damn much for it that it physically hurt too. But in a better way than the others.

“I don’t wanna be like this anymore I don’t.” He whimpered against Steve’s shoulder. “It sucks.”

“I know.” Steve said softly, his other hand tangled in Bucky’s hair. “I got you it’s okay.”

Bucky felt another violent shake go through him and Steve’s fingers tightened in his hair, fisting it softly the way he always did to calm him and like those times, it worked. Bucky’s eyes fluttered softly at the feeling of it, wrapping his arm tighter around him and burying his face in Steve’s neck now, curling up as close as humanly possible to him. Seeking comfort and warmth from him. And Steve obliged by pulling the covers over them both again, cocooning them in warmth and safety.

“Can you call Amelia?” Steve asked as held him closer. “I think you need to.”

“I was planning to.” He reassured him, tucking his head under Steve’s chin. “She wants me to check in with her regularly while I’m away..” He let himself get more comfortable in his arms. “Just in case.”

“Good.” He heard Steve whisper into his hair. “Now I want you to get some rest okay?”

“Aye Aye Captain.” He replied with a little sass.

“I mean it Sergeant.” Steve sassed back. “You need it.”

Bucky smiled and nuzzled his face against Steve a little more and then felt a little thump on the bed and a little furry body climb up on the blanket to get some attention from them. Arya’s bright green eyes seemed to sparkle in the low light and she purred as they both gave her some love, scratching he head and chin, before she settled down in the hammock part of the blankets between their feet. It was yet another comforting presence he needed right now and it relaxed him further, making him drowsy.

This was his family right here. Even if this wasn’t their actual home, it felt like as long as they were here with him.

“I love you punk.” He whispered sleepily into Steve’s neck, wrapping his arm tighter around him.

He felt Steve’s hand stroke his hair and kiss his head softly. “Love you too jerk..” He replied. “Go to sleep.”

He did, knowing that even if it was a fitful night, he would be taken care of as always.

\--

Steve had stayed awake a little as was habit for him when Bucky was having a particularly rough day. One the things he’d learned that had helped was to continue to gently caress and massage him even after he was asleep, the soft touched comfort grounded Bucky and made him feel safe as he fell into sleep and so it had become a regular thing on rough days. Routine and stability were important for him in those times, especially when he was in an unfamiliar place like this.

He could hear and feel Bucky make a purring sound not unlike Arya was she was content, as he snuggled more into Steve’s body in his sleep. He hadn’t even bothered to put on any clothes so it was skin to skin snuggling and Steve loved these quiet moments more than anything, letting his hand move over his back, down over his hip, to his thigh and all around, feeling Bucky nuzzle his neck as he slept, mimicking the cat that slept on their feet.

At one point he did shake and whimper a little in his sleep and Steve rubbed his back until he calmed, feeling his metal arm grip his back temporarily until the nightmare fade and he was still again. It still hurt him to know that he still sometimes suffered in his sleep, and probably always would, but it was a part of it, part of the commitment. For better or worse. The end of the line. They both meant you were there for everything, good or bad, and they both had meant that. They were men of their word.

Eventually he’d fallen asleep himself, with Bucky wrapped up in his arms, for several hours too. Before being woken up by something. The fact that he wasn’t there anymore. At one point this would’ve bene alarming, back when Bucky’s mind was still split, and he was waking up as the Winter Soldier but that hadn’t happened in well over a year and Steve knew that wasn’t it. Bucky was just up and awake and it didn’t take him long to find him, even in the semi-dark room.

He was by the window, his metal holding the curtain open and reflecting the light that mostly likely being reflected off the layer of snow that had fallen. It was that eerie, yet beautiful blue/white light. It lit up his hair and seemed to sillouette him at the same time and had to take a minute to catch his breath at this beautiful sight. He looked like something out of a painting or a sculpture in a museum the way his body was on perfect display while surrounded by the glow of the light around him. The fact that he was still completely naked certainly added to the vision.

He seemed to sense Steve was looking at him and turned slightly, the light twinkling off his tags, and reflecting in his eyes as well. And Steve was reminded of something from long ago, a clear memory of what seemed like a normal day but had been life altering in ways he hadn’t understood then.

_They were 12 and 13 respectively and had taken a train into the city during the holidays, spending most of their meager money to do it, but it was worth it just to look in the store windows and see the toys. Things they knew they couldn’t have, their parents couldn’t afford them, a lot of people couldn’t at that time. But it was nice to look at them. The toy trains, the bikes and dolls for the girls. It was pretty and bright like a dream and would always be beyond their means, but they dreamed just the same. _

_It was cold, the mid December chill causing their breaths to make those white clouds as the breathed, staring in the window as the snow fell around them and that moment Steve looked at Bucky and saw something new. _

_The way the snow had fallen in his unruly brown hair and his eyes reflected the light from the store window, how pink he cheeks were from the cold and felt a flutter at this that he thought he would only get from pretty girls. But he felt it looking at Bucky, and a flittering thought went though him and it was Damn he’s beautiful.. He tried to hid his look when Bucky turned, as if sensing he was being stared at. _

_“You’re creepin’ me out with that stare punk.” He giving him friendly shove with his shoulder. “Cut it out.” _

_He remembered covering himself at that point, something he’d get used to doing when caught. “Sorry you just got a huge booger in your nose and I couldn’t help staring at it.” _

_“Oh yeah?” Bucky had replied and grabbed a handful of snow and tossed it at him. “Well there’s stupid on your face asshole.” _

_It had started a snowball fight all the way back to the train station he’d recalled, but the feeling he’d gotten that day, instead of disappearing had grown in him. Even though it felt wrong and off sometimes, but perfectly natural too. He hadn’t know then that he’d already fallen in love with his best friend. He’d was too young and too stupid to understand it then._

But he understood it now.

He thought about it now as he stared at him and heard Bucky’s voice, in that same sassy tone. “You’re staring again punk.”

Steve got up out of the bed himself, and walked over to him, sliding his arms around him. “I can’t help that my husband is so beautiful that I can’t take my eyes off him.”

He saw Bucky hood those eyes as Steve slid his arms around his waist, the other going into that beautiful brown hair of his, fisting it softly as he pulled his lips to his, kissing him solidly. He let the arm around him slid over his back, pulling him tighter against him, feeling his warm body skin to skin again. Hearing Bucky moan softly as their tongues dances beautifully, his metal fingers letting go of the curtain to grip Steve’s bare shoulder.

There was times when he still couldn’t believe this was his, that Bucky was his. He’d remembered how he’d secretly pined for him as a teenager, believing that someone as gorgeous and perfect as Bucky was wouldn’t ever feel that way about him. He had plenty of female attention with his dark hair and those stunning blue eyes. Every girl on the block made eyes at him and Bucky had enjoyed and even indulged in it occasionally and it had seemed to Steve that the feelings he had would never be reciprocated. Because he was, well, him, scrawny and weak, and it was just, well wrong.

Never in his life had dreamed that Bucky had felt the same way until the day he’d first kissed him on the roof, and now here they were. And even after decades of pain and separation it had never wavered. Had only grown stronger.

“What were you thinking about punk?” Bucky asked a little breathlessly, looking a little scrambled from that kiss as still stood close to him. “You had that stupid look on your face again.”

Steve smiled, reaching up and brushing some that hair from Bucky’s face. “I was just remembering when I first fell in love with you.”

“Oh really?” Bucky mused, brushing lips over Steve’s. “Care to share?”

“No..” He answered and nuzzled his face against his. “I think I’ll keep it to myself.” He smiled, trailing his fingers over Bucky’s back. “Gotta have a few secrets right?”

Bucky smiled in that saucy way of his. “Okay punk..” He purred to him. “But I’ll get out of you someday.”

“Maybe you will jerk.” Steve told him, leaning to kiss him again. A soft quick one. “I’ will tell you something though.” He pulled him closer, their eyes an inch apart. “You look just as beautiful as you did then.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and threw his arms around his neck. “You’re such a sap.” He whispered to him. “Don’t ever change.”

He stood there for a moment just like, holding him close. “You okay?” Steve asked finally, remembering that he had, in fact gotten out of bed in the middle of the night.

“Yeah I think so.” Bucky answered, his eyes still closed as he leaned against Steve. “Just couldn’t sleep so.”

“You decided to stand naked in front of the window?” Steve teased, letting his fingers trailed over Bucky’s naked ass playfully. “Not that I’m complaining mind you.. it’s just..” He ran his lips over his jawline. “Don’t want anyone to see this work of art but me.”

Bucky smiled and brushed his lips back over Steve’s. “Always protecting my virtue.” He purred, letting his own hands wander a little. “Such a gentlemen.”

“Protecting what’s mine.” Steve let himself growl softly, knowing Bucky loved that. “So what were you doing?”

“Looking at the snow.” He said, turning his head to look out the open shade. “It looks pretty out there..” He seemed to observe. “Peaceful.”

Steve brushed his lips over the side of Bucky’s face, seeing that beautiful reflection in those eyes again. “Yeah it does.” He agreed.

“I don’t hate the winter.” Bucky mused, smiling softly as Steve nuzzled his face. “I actually like it.. it’s just..” He flinched as if to adjust something sore. “My aching bones kinda ruin it. ” He leaned against Steve a little, while still staring out the window. “Won’t let me forget.” 

He knew he was sore, the cold always did that to him among other things. And knew his medication only did so much for that. Feeling that twinge of anger of the way he’d been hurt, the way they’d ruined so many things for him. It brought about that possessive protectiveness in him, causing his hands to continue to slide over his skin gently. But he also felt admiration at how he’d been able to rise above it and mostly enjoy his life now, even on these particularly bad days.

“Wish I could make that better.” Steve whispered against his neck, letting his fingers trail over the scar tissue on Bucky’s left shoulder.

Bucky lifted his arms and put his hands on Steve’s face to look in his eyes. “You do punk.” He told him, his face nuzzling Steve’s. “You do it every day..”

He kissed him again, and Steve wrapped his arms tighter around Bucky’s waist and lifted him into his arms to carry him back to bed. Laying him down on he started to rub those sore places as he kissed him, feeling his body warm up and respond to it.

“I wanna do my job then.” He purred against Bucky’s scarred shoulder. “I’m gonna take care of my achy boo bear.”

He heard Bucky chuckle, his hands in Steve’s hair. “Such a good hubby.” He purred, wrapping his leg around Steve’s hip. “I think I’ll keep you.”

He took his time this time, leaving no part of Bucky’s body untouched, using his hands to warm up and soothe aching bones and muscles. To take care of anything that hurt. To kiss him stupid until he forgot anything that was on his mind. The early morning hours were filled with sighs and moans as he took care of him. This was another well practiced routine and it never failed.

And later when he was deep inside him again, it was a soft slow rhythm, Bucky’s fingers flexing into his back, his metal ones gripping his hair at every deep thrust into him. His beautiful teal blue eyes, like a stormy ocean, glazed and fluttering were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“I love you.” He whispered to him, over and over again, he could never say it enough. “My Bucky.. my Soldier…”

Bucky’s face, inches away from Steve’s, taking him in and pushing back again him, showing a return of that. “I love you too..” He’d breath before kissing him languidly. “Our Steve…”

The presence of the Soldier was a beautiful addition, and filled him with even more love and they came together beautifully, kissing until they were out of breath. Steve pulled him back into his arms, wrapping him up and feeling his body relax against him.

“I love when you double tap my ass like that.” Bucky said in a contented tone. “I could sleep for a dam week now..” He slid his leg up down Steve’s lazily. “You got talents punk..”

Steve chuckled and kissed his head. “Well you inspire me to new heights jerk.”

“So I’m like you’re muse huh?” Bucky replied while nuzzling Steve’s chest. “Interesting.”

“You’re a lot of things to me.” Steve told him, pulling him closer. “Just saying.”

“Mmmm well.” Bucky purred sleepily. “You’re my everything… just saying..”

With that statement he seemed to fall deeply asleep again, and Steve was happy because he had another long day tomorrow, resuming his deposition, hopefully without any more surprises. He wanted him to rest, to sleep in a little, especially with a couple of recent anxiety attacks wearing him out, he knew rest was important.

He wrapped him up again, smiling as the cat returned to their feet, she always made herself scarce when they were…busy and then came back. This time curling up next to Bucky as he slept, sandwiching him safely between her and Steve.

Right before he fell asleep, he thought about how Bucky had called him his ‘everything’ more than once and the responsibility that was. He’d never been anybody’s everything before, but he was Bucky’s. And instead of frightening him it had filled him love and protectiveness. Even though Bucky could take care of himself quite well if need be, but it wasn’t that kind of protectiveness. It’s what he’d felt today. And would make him a growly bear tomorrow if another threat to Bucky’s psyche presented himself.

He took that responsibility very seriously and always would, even if Bucky rolled his eyes at him.

With that he went to sleep, holding his whole world in his arms, as the snow settled over Berlin outside, surrounded in each other’s warmth and safety.


	2. For Better or Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I do apologize I was a bit late with this one, having been sick and other life issues but here it is. 
> 
> Artwork on my Tumblr

Bucky had a vague idea of Steve saying something to him that morning. He heard the important stuff ‘blah blah blah coffee… blah blah breakfast…blah blah be back soon… blah blah love you.. ‘ before muttering an affirmative and tucking his head back under the covers again and falling back to sleep.

Another beautiful thing about lots of wine and sex was that he slept like a baby afterward. And Steve always let him sleep in those days. Today was no exception.

He woke up buried in the blanket, his face in the pillow, the cat curled up next to him purring away. Feeling very warm and comfortable considering he was still completely naked under the covers. He had no urge to move at all and was grateful for the silence and the alone time he was afforded after the day before. It gave him time to reassess and more importantly to properly process what he was now considering to be frightening setback, at least for him.

Just the fact that he wanted to sleep in and skip out on the rest of his deposition said that clearly to him.

He turned slightly under the covers and pulled his metal arm out from under them to pet Arya, who immediately started purring louder and rubbing her face against his side lovingly. He smiled at this sweet display of affection, seeming so profound from such a small little creature.

“Guess it’s just you and me little darlin’” He said softly to her as she continued to rub her face against him, claiming her human as if she needed to. “What should we do?”

Arya just yawned and curled up next to him as if to say what they were doing was just fine. That was the thing about cats, if you just wanted to stay in bed and sleep, they were always game he found out.

“I like the way you think doll.” He whispered to her, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. “Stay in bed it is.”

The little cats sweet purr and the feel of her paw resting softly on his neck allowed him to relax further and search his thoughts in a meaningful way. Sorting out his feelings about the day before. All of them.

The fear and anxiety seeing that book had brought out of him and how just the sight of it had shattered the tight hold he managed on himself that day. He’d learned many ways to keep his anxiety down and fight past the triggers so he could function, and according to Amelia had made great progress in managing himself to the point where he was on a lower dose of his medicine now. So the setbacks of the last week had been alarming to him as a result. The way his ability to control it had unraveled twice just like that. Even though he was told it could happen it still had upset him on a deep level.

“It may always be a fight for you Bucky.” Amelia had told him once. “But you’ve faced this foe many times and you’ve won every round.”

He remembered shaking his head in disbelief. “I still get the crap beat out of me though.”

She’d smiled and reminded him. “But you got back up each time didn’t you? What does that tell you?”

He had gotten her point, but it still pissed him off that he had to fight so damn much sometimes. He was tired of that. And he wasn’t just pissed about that either. Because he was still mad at Steve for not telling him about Zola sooner, even though he did, to some degree understand why he did, it still irked him even now. Like he had to be protected, and Steve’s answer to why, that he didn’t have to explain, had left a bad taste in his mouth, as if decisions were being made for him again.

All the wine and sex couldn’t erase that nagging resentment. And he hated it because he thought he’d gotten beyond this irrational anger years ago and apparently hadn’t.

He knew he had to call Amelia and talk about it before it fell out and caused another fight, which might not end as well this time. Had to nip it before it got that far, even though part of him was worried it had taken hold in his head. That his own internal turmoil would sabotage the fragile happiness and semi-normal life they’d built. It was a concern he’d voiced before and Steve had always reassured him that he loved him no matter what and there was nothing he could do or say to dissolve that, and most of the time he believed that, but he did have moments of doubt like now.

Truth was Bucky had more moments like this than he let on sometimes. But he’d learned to cover them and soldier on like he always, even in front of Steve, not wanting to burden him any more than he had to. He knew it wasn’t always healthy, but he wanted to protect Steve just as much as Steve wanted to protect him that was his way of doing it.

Most of the time he didn’t have to fake it though. He was happy. This week had been a painful exception that he hoped was just an aberration.

And he knew the reason he was hesitating on calling his therapist for the same reason he’d drank so much the day before. Because he didn’t want to admit how scared he was of losing his mind again after he’d worked so hard to get it back together.

A soft meow and a little paw on his face tore him back from his concerns. He opened his eyes to see a pair of bright green ones, and smiled at her, scratching her chin with one metal finger. She had become such a little grounding force in their lives ever since he’d found her at the shelter years ago. 

“Okay you win sweetie.” He said as much to himself as the cat. “I’ll call her..”

Finding his phone on the bed-stand, Bucky saw several texts from Sam and Wanda, both checking on him in their own unique way.

Sam’s text read: _Hey what’s the German word for asshole?_

Bucky smirked and answered _Wilson_ with an appropriate emoji and waited for the inevitable response while reading Wanda’s. _Sending good vibes your way so hang in there Sarg_ it read causing him to smile as he scratched Arya’s head absently. He had good friends, he couldn’t ask for better really. And when his phone dinged Sam’s response was eye roll and a middle finger emoji. Cell phones were a great invention in Bucky’s mind as he chuckled loudly and finally got up.

He turned the tv on for the hell of it while getting dressed, mostly for background noise. He knew it didn’t really matter what he was wearing when he called his therapist, not like she could see him but because this kind of counted as a therapy session, albeit a long distance one, he wanted to be dressed. It was a strange sense of modesty because it wasn’t like she could see him or anything he knew but it was just a habit.

Pulling on a long-sleeved shirt, he listened to the tv, understanding the German perfectly on the news broadcast, just the events of the day, weather, all that shit. As he was tying his hair back, he heard his own name mentioned briefly, along with Steve’s and of course the man of the hour, Zemo’s as sort of ancillary report. He turned to the tv to see a shot of him and Steve entering the compound of and picture of Zemo as well, with information that made him sit down on the bed a little heavily.

He was at the compound too. Being kept there while awaiting trial. Had been there yesterday in the same damn building, probably in the same place they’d kept Bucky himself when they’d had him. It made his blood run both hot and cold to think about that man that close to him. A memory came to him that he was unable to fight off and he didn’t bother trying to.

_Strapped into that cage. Feet. Arms. Shoulders. They’d taken every precaution. If he moved, he’d be zapped. As if they knew this was a deterrent for him. Electric shock was another not-so hidden phobia of his. He didn’t dare move anything but his head. He’d shut himself down mostly anyway. _

_The doctor, at least who he thought was doctor was talking to him. Trying to reach in his head. Good luck with that. His head had been picked by experts. _

_“You’ve seen a lot haven’t you Bucky?” _

_Bucky tightened his jaw a little, in no mood to talk to anyone, least of all him. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” _

_“You’re afraid that if you open your mouth, the horrors will never stop.” _

_The horrors never stopped whether he talked or not, so he didn’t bother answer. He didn’t have to. They hadn’t stopped for years and the last thing he wanted to do was talk and make them real. _

_“That’s okay.” The doctor answered. “We only have to talk about one.” _

_And then the lights went out. The whole building it seemed, and a sense of foreboding fell over him. “What the hell?” _

_“Let’s talk about your home.. not Romainia.. certainly not Brooklyn.. your real home..”_

_And then he saw the book and.._

Yanking himself from the memory he could feel himself shake. Feeling like for a minute he was still in that chair and couldn’t move or get away. Feeling trapped. Hearing those words in his head again and then he realized he could move his arms now, that he wasn’t there. He pushed it all back in his head and steadily evened his breathing and slowed the shaking in his hand. He felt Arya rub against his side and scooped her up with his metal arm into his lap, feeling her rub his neck with her face and he closed his eyes.

“We’re okay.” He said to himself. “We’re okay.”

With his right hand, the fingers still trembling minutely, he found his phone and dialed up Amelia, continuing to steady his breath as he did so. It took a couple of rings but she answered, her voice soft and warm as always as she greeted him.

“Hey it’s me.” He said a little hesitantly as he sat on the bed. “You said I could call if I needed to talk.”

“I did.” She replied with that same warm tone. “Are you okay.”

Bucky swallowed hard, feeling weak at the moment, but she was one of the few people it was okay to be that way around. “Not really.” He said honestly. “I’m kinda rough right now.”

“Okay then.” She answered. “Let’s talk then. About whatever you want.”

And with that he did, with Arya in his arms, just needing to get some things off his chest because it was crushing him to hold it in. And letting it out was a relief.

\--

Steve had taken his time, giving Bucky ample time to sleep and to talk to Amelia on the phone as well. He did a little shopping before picking up a late breakfast for Bucky. And while he was out, he found a little something for him. An early Christmas present. Something that could help him cope a little more while they were away. Because he needed it. Needed a healthy outlet.

It was a portable paint set, with a small easel that that could be put on a table. Bucky had lamented that he couldn’t bring his regular one with him and it had given Steve the idea. It had become such a cathartic outlet for him in his recovery, a new skill that he’d never known he’d had and he’d taken to it with flourish, getting more skilled with it as he went on. A healthy expression that beat dulling his senses with alcohol that was for sure. So he wanted him to have something when they traveled too, A way to keep doing it when he needed that outlet.

He might give it to him tonight, because he knew he might just have another hard day ahead of him.

It had snowed pretty heavily the night before and the city was covered in it, it really did look like Christmas that was for sure. Berlin was decked out in it and it gave it a much more cheerful feel that he hoped Bucky could appreciate in spite of the heaviness of what was going on here. If they could get through this patch Christmas would be here again and maybe things could settle down again but for now he just had to ride it out with him.

With the bag slung over his shoulder he grabbed some pastries and gourmet coffee for his grumpy bear of a husband and made his way back to the hotel to deliver breakfast and just to see how he was today now that he was awake.

Once inside the room, he could see the door to the bedroom part of the suite was closed, meaning he was most likely on the phone with Amelia. He could actually hear him talking a little, not that he was trying to listen. In fact he tuned it out, whatever Bucky said to his therapist was none of his business so he busied himself with setting up breakfast, and tucking the bag in the corner for later.

After another 15 minutes the door opened, and Arya scampered out to greet him. Bucky was stuffing his phone in the pocked of his jeans as he himself walked out as well. Steve crouched to pick up the cat and smiled as Bucky looked up at him surprised, like he was back sooner than expected. His hair was pulled back from his face and he had on his new favorite zip hoodie. A dark blue one that read ‘Brooklyn Athletic Club’ in vintage print, over what looked like a white long-sleeved shirt. He looked stunning even with that surprised look in his blue eyes. But to Steve he always did.

“Good morning Gorgeous.” Steve told him, leaning over to kiss him. “How’d you sleep?”

“Umm pretty good I guess..” Bucky answered as he pulled back slightly, a ghost of a smile on his face. “Slept like a baby actually.” His eyes hooded a little, a strand of hair falling into his face. “Thanks toy you punk..”

Steve grinned and put the cat down, sliding his arm around Bucky’s waist to pull him back to him. He was happy to see that look of mirth in his eyes, not aided by alcohol this time. “Then I guess I did my job huh?”

“To perfection.” Bucky replied, his hands gripping Steve’s shirt, lips brushing over his. “You got talents Captain..” 

He kissed him again, little more intensely this time, letting his hand fist his ponytail and just tug it slightly causing a little moan from Bucky. He loved that sound, and if they didn’t have somewhere to be, they would’ve been back in bed, but they did. So he settled for this for now, kissing him stupid before pulling away and staring into his eyes, which now had a hazy, scrambled look he also loved.

“I got breakfast.” He told him, his hand still in his hair as if to steady him. “And coffee.”

“Okay.. good.” Bucky answered, still sounding a bit breathless. “I guess I am kinda hungry..”

He gave him the coffee and a Danish as they both sat at the table, Arya electing to eat her own breakfast as they did. He took the time to notice a contemplative, and he thought, maybe slightly troubled look on Bucky’s face hadn’t noticed yet, maybe because he hadn’t really given him time to settle earlier before he he’d kissed him. But he’d just looked so damn kissable at that moment he hadn’t been able to help it. But not he was a bit concerned.

“You okay?”

Bucky once again looked slightly startled by the question. “Yeah.. “ He replied, looking like he was hedging a bit. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you got that look in your eyes.” He told him, drinking some of his coffee. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.” Bucky answered, taking a sip of his coffee.

“I kinda don’t believe you jerk.”

Bucky gave him a cross look. “I said I’m fine.”

Steve had sensed a bit of defensiveness in that answer. Maybe even a little hostility, wondering if maybe he was still a bit upset about the day before. “Buck if this is about Zola I’m sorry..”

Bucky waved his hand dismissively as he ate. “It’s over.” He said sharply. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Bucky..”

“What’s in the bag?” Bucky asked, motioning to the shopping bag in the corner as if changing the subject. Which he clearly was. “Because it looks like you did some shopping.”

“I’ll answer your question if you answer mine first.” Steve retorted, playing the game himself. “How’s that?”

Bucky looked at him crossly again as if that was a trick of sorts and maybe it was. There was a quid pro quo here, or maybe just a bribe and Steve had a feeling it might not work. There was something in Bucky’s eyes that indicated he didn’t want to answer the question or even broach the subject and he spoke that was confirmed quite clearly.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He replied again, crossing his arms. “So what did you get?”

“That’s not an answer Buck.”

“Yes it is.” Bucky shot back with a slight growl in his voice. “You had no specific criteria on how to answer you just t asked for an answer.” He sat back in his chair with a guarded look in his eyes. “And I gave you one.”

Steve had to shake his head at that dance around. Technically he was right and that was irritating. But the answer was troublesome because Bucky hadn’t clammed up like this in quite a while. It reminded him of how he’d been when he’d first gotten home, exceptionally wary and guarded. He knew he was under a bit of stress lately and when that happened he’d fell back a little and became somewhat defensive. And when he did, Steve just had to wait him out because he knew from experience pushing him would not work.

“Well I suppose you’re ‘technically’ right then jerk.” Steve finally answered and shrugged. “So I’ll show what’s in the bag.” And then added a smartass grin. “Not right now though.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows, as if slightly impressed by Steve’s counter play. “Not bad punk.” He answered, finishing his coffee. “You’re learning.” He gave him a little smile over his cup. “Can I at least have a hint?”

“It’s an early Christmas present.” He told him, enjoying teasing him just a little. “I think you’ll get good use out of it.”

“Oh really?” Bucky said with a tilt of his head. “You’re spoiling me Rogers.”

Steve smiled and stood up, leaning over to kiss him again, his hand resting on the back of his head. “Well you deserve it.” He whispered to him. “And no arguments on that.”

He pulled back a little and laid his head against Bucky’s for a moment, keeping his hand resting on his ponytail. He could feel both Bucky’s hands on his arms and heard him sigh softly as if to gather himself. He could sense the tension in him, feel the tightness in his neck as he clenched his jaw slightly. He was troubled by something that was clear, felt the only time to allow it to show was like this. So Steve opened his eyes and saw his face, saw him biting his lips softly and his eyes were tight. But he didn’t ask, didn’t push it yet. He just closed his eyes again and let him have the moment.

“I love you.” He said softly to him, holding his head to his a little longer. “Just remember that okay?”

He felt Bucky nod against his head, could picture that lip bite again. The one that could be cute, sexy or painfully vulnerable depending on the context. And in this case, it was most likely the last one. And the reason Bucky was most likely keeping his eyes closed because it would show and he would have no choice but to talk. But that wasn’t happening right now.

“I know.” Bucky finally answered, his grip on Steve’s arm a little tighter. “I love you too.” He then pulled back, seeming to gather himself again. “We should get going.. get this over with.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, finally letting go of his hair. “Maybe later we can do something fun.” He brushed some hair from Bucky’s still slightly troubled face. “Make something good out of this trip.”

Maybe leave with at least one good memory from it. It was a beautiful city, especially around the holidays. He had a few ideas of something they could do later. For now, there was business to be taken care of and like Bucky he wanted to get it over with. To leave for Wakonda, where he could loosen that stress in him a bit, even if involved a medical procedure, it didn’t carry as many painful reminders.

“Whatever you say..” Bucky told him, sounding surprisingly amiable to the idea as he was putting his jacket on. “And maybe I’ll also get to see what’s in that bag.”

Steve slid his arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled a black knit cap over that gorgeous brown hair of his. “Only if you behave yourself jerk, you got that?”

“Can’t promise anything punk.” Bucky answered with a grin of his own, letting lips brush teasingly over Steve’s. “But I’ll try.”

Steve couldn’t resist giving him one more kiss on those beautifully kissable lips of his, making sure not to do a half-assed job of it either. Both of them gave Arya little love and as they left, put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door and the cat have the run of the suite as they headed out.

As they walked to the elevator, Steve felt Bucky take one of his gloved hands in his own and squeeze it, as if needing a little strength. He looked over and saw a brief vulnerable look in his eyes before he closed it off and put the mask on he’d need to get through the rest of this. It was a look he seemed to save only for the people closest to him, and sometimes Steve wished others could see it. Could see that he wasn’t the monster some of them had built up in their heads. But in a way he was glad it was just for him too.

In a relationship, in a marriage there were deep intimate things only you knew about each other and that was, in many ways the most beautiful things about it. And moments like that would always be strictly his to cherish.

“It’s gonna be alright Buck.” He said softly as the elevator door opened. “I know it will.”

And the way that Bucky smiled at him as they stepped into the elevator was his to cherish as well.

\--

Bucky thought about a lot of things while answering some more painful questions, about something he did in what seemed to be a lifetime ago, as a way of keeping back the worst of the pain involved in it. It was a coping mechanism he’d adapted a long time ago, back when the pain inflicted was fresh and almost unbearable.

_“Describe what happened after the lights went out.. for the record.” _

He was thinking about the Christmas decorations all over the city as they’d driven to the headquarters. The way the lights reflected off the freshly fallen snow. The kids that were running around bundled up against the weather. The holiday shoppers. Just the spirit that was permeating the world now.

_“How far into it do you remember?”_

As he told he told them in a monotone just how much he remembered, he thought about the way Arya had curled up on his lap while he was confessing to Amelia his fears and worries. The way she purred as he petted her. The text messages on his phone from his friends, how he could feel the love and support through them.

It was easier than thinking about what it felt like when those words got read to him again. When he was trapped in that chair, unable to escape. Easier than thinking about the fragmented memories of fighting people. Of bodies laying around of the people who’d made the mistake of trying to stop him.

_“What were his instructions to you?”_

He thought about the building anger at the knowledge that that man was in the building too. That he was that close to him. The urge to find him and punish him for it all.

And he thought of Steve and the way their heads had rested together earlier. The way he squeezed his and in support and love as well, using that memory to push that anger back.

He needed the Winter Soldier to keep him calm and he did, allowing him to take over answering the questions because they brought up too much in him that frightened him right now. He concentrated on good memories, letting his other half do the answering that time, keeping a neutral expression on his face as he answered them.

When they were finished up and the other agent had exited Bucky finally asked Sharon the question he wanted to ask the whole time. “He’s here isn’t it?” He said with a dry throat. “Zemo?”

She seemed reluctant to answer at first but finally did. “Yes he is.” She told them. “Temporarily until the trail.”

Bucky saw Steve out of the corner of his eye, looking questioningly as he how he knew this but didn’t address it just yet. He knew the next thing he was going to ask her would probably set Steve’s protective alarm off and he was prepared for that too.

“I wanna see him.” He said, just putting it out there. “If that’s possible.”

“Wait what?” Steve protested, putting his hand on his arm. “Maybe we should talk about this.”

He turned to Steve giving a pointed look. “What’s to talk about?” He asked him, staring into his eyes. “I want to talk to him Steve. Or do I not get to make those kinds of decisions?”

“That’s not what I meant Buck.”

Bucky ignored him, turning to look at Sharon. “Is it possible?”

“We could arrange it if you really want to but..” She looked back and forth between them, showing concern herself. “You should probably think about it first.”

He appreciated her concern, Steve however looked horrified at the idea of letting him in there and Bucky knew this was going to turn into an argument quickly. “Yeah I suppose.” He told her and then added. “Can we have a few minutes alone?”

“Sure.” She nodded.” You can have the room.”

She left them alone in the room where he’d been questioned, and Bucky trusted they weren’t being watched because it was Sharon and not the others. He was grateful that Steve waited until the door was shut to voice his opinion on this particular request, his hands on his hips in that stubborn, angry way Bucky recognized right away and prepared for what was coming.

“Bucky this is nuts.” He told him. “Do you really want to be in the same room with him after what he did you?” He paced a little. “In this place of all places.”

“Steve they took the programming out he can’t do anything.” Bucky reminded him. “He has no power over me.”

“But he can still mess with your head Buck.” Steve told him, stepping in front of him and putting his hand on his shoulders. “Have you looked at the calendar?” His eyes bore holes into Bucky’s. “You know what day it is.”

Bucky felt a hot flash of anger. Of course he knew what day it was, didn’t need a fucking reminder of that. He had done his best to not think of it, not look at the date on his phone at all. And knew Zemo knew this as well and would bring it up. But he was prepared for that. What he hadn’t been prepared for was for Steve to bring it up. That tomorrow was the anniversary.

_Mission Report December 16, 1991_

“Of course I do.” He growled to Steve, his fists clenched. “I know damn well what fucking day it is Steve.”

“Then you know why it’s a bad idea.” Steve responded, as if ignoring the anger in Bucky’s voice. “Especially with everything else going on with you.”

“Do you think I’m that fragile?” He asked angrily, stepping back. “You think I can’t handle that fucker I can handle him just fine.”

“I’m not sure you can.”

He felt the anger rise up in him a little more now, an almost irrational one because he knew Steve was just concerned for him, but he still felt like a child that needed protection and he hated that. He stepped up closer to him, getting in his face a little.

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t handle.” He hissed in his face. “You have no idea what I can handle..” He glared at him, feeling that angry burn under his skin. “What I’ve dealt with.”

Steve looked at him sympathetically as if he did. “I do know.”

“You don’t know shit!.” He replied angrily, needing to last out. “You weren’t there.”

He knew it was a low blow. That Steve still felt bad that he hadn’t been, and he could see the pain in his eyes when he said. But he couldn’t take it back either. There wasn’t really a point. The fact that there may have been a part of him that felt that way inside bothered him, because he didn’t blame Steve for any of it, but it came out just the same and felt a need to apologize.

“I’m sorry.” He said, turning around and running his hands through his hair. “I didn’t meant that.”

“You’re angry.” Steve said, seeming to keep his voice even. “It’s okay.”

“Yeah maybe I am.” Bucky told him, turning back around. “But it doesn’t make that okay.”

Steve shook his head, standing back from him as if sensing space was needed. “You’re right though… I wasn’t.” He said softly to him, catching his eyes. “No one was.. nobody realized it until it was too late and he messed with you.”

Bucky ran his hands through his hair again and left his hands on the back of his head, closing his eyes, trying real hard to push back how angry he truly was over the whole damn thing. How they had let that guy walk right in there in hurt him without realizing he wasn’t the right person. How a facility that secure could screw up that badly.

“He used me Steve.” Bucky said finally, looking up at the ceiling, anywhere but in his eyes. “He set me up and then used me. I spent two years putting myself back together, taking my damn life back and he just… pulled me apart all over again..” He felt himself shake as he stuffed down his anger over this. “I didn’t wanna do it again and he.. turned me back into that thing and.. people died.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his shoulder and the other one brushing his hair and it calmed him slightly. “It’s why I want you to really think about this okay?” He said in quiet, soothing voice. “I don’t want him to mess with your head again because you know he can Buck.”

Everything he said was making perfect sense to him and coming from a place of love and concern for his well-being. But he also knew he was still going to do it just the same. That he needed to. That once again, like when he’d put his mind back together, he had to face the monster and diminish it as well if he was ever going to get past it. He let his hands rest at his sides and just got himself under some control, needing to make this as clear as possible.

“They’re all gone.. all the others.. there’s never gonna be any justice Steve.” He told him, looking up finally. “He’s the only one left, my only chance to just look one of them in eye and just ask that question.”

Steve continued to stroke his hair softly. “What question Buck?”

“Why it had to be me.” He answered, his voice breaking only slightly. “Why I was chosen.”

Steve didn’t answer him on that, just put his arms around him and pulled him close to him, and Bucky didn’t resist this, just pressed the lower part of his face into his shoulder, staring blankly over at the wall. Through the wall, staring into nothing really, just raising his arms to wrap around his back. He was too tightly bound to let any emotion out, but let himself be held like that, feeling Steve’s hand in his hair letting himself settle a little.

“Please don’t try to stop me okay.” He asked into Steve’s shoulder, his voice muffled by his shirt. “I’m gonna do it anyways but I just need.. you to support me.. please.”

“Okay.” He heard Steve whisper into his ear. “But I want you to take a day to think about it okay?” He felt him kiss the side of his head, his other hand rubbing his back. “And if you still want to do it tomorrow.. I won’t stop you.”

Even though tomorrow was the anniversary and all, he knew Steve was right, he needed a day to gather himself. As much as wanted to get it over with, rushing himself could be bad. Very bad. He knew himself well enough to know that much. So he nodded his head against Steve’s shoulder, feeling no urge to move yet.

He felt Steve lift his head with his hand, finger under his chin as he looked up at him. Those sky blue eyes having a calming hold on him. He heard the voice of the Winter Soldier, calm and clear in his head _Steve loves us_ it said, filling him with that warm feeling again. _Steve is safe._

“Think about it okay?” He told him. “Take your time.”

“Sure why not?” He agreed, feeling his lip shake a little, but not in anger or fear this time. “What’s one more day right?”

“Good.” Steve said softly, pressing his lips against Bucky’s forehead gently. “For now we’ll just.. enjoy the night okay?”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered a little at the feel of his lips and the rest of his anger was starting to dissipate like smoke in the wind. He didn’t know when Steve had gotten this ability to just take him down and calm him like this. It was irritating because he wanted to stay mad and couldn’t. Even though he knew part of him was even now.

“I’m still kinda mad at you punk.” He told him before Steve managed to wipe the rest of it away. “You got that.”

“Loud and clear jerk.” Steve told him, giving him a soft kiss. “Loud and clear.”

\--

Steve had come back from getting them some hot chocolate, seeing Bucky sitting on the bench watching people ice skate on the make-shift outdoor rink. He had noticed this cropping up in a lot of northern cities and people seemed to like it. Bucky was just sitting observing it, buried in his winter coat and the hat Steve had studiously put on him earlier.

He squinted up at Steve as he sat down, his face looking a little flushed from the cold, eyes lit up by the multitude of Christmas lights around the rink. He smiled as Steve handed him his cup of cocoa and Steve was happy to see it considering the heaviness of their conversation earlier. It was still guarded but it was there.

“Thanks.” He said and took the cap off to let it cool. “This feels very Christmasy.”

“Well that’s the point.” Steve told him, putting his arm around Bucky’s back. “To get in the spirit you know?” He rubbed his arm a little. “Considering how rough it’s been rough lately.”

“Naw it’s just me wallowing in my own shit punk.” Bucky answered, still staring at the kids skating around. “I let myself get caught up in it and it’s not fair to you.”

“It’s okay to have bad days Buck.” Steve told him, lifting his hand to stroke Bucky’s neck a little. “Hell even bad weeks.” He turned Bucky’s head to him, looking in those teal blue eyes intently. “I didn’t just marry the good times you know.. I married all of it..”

“I think you’re right though.”

Steve looked over at him, seeing him take another heavy sigh. “About what?”

“That I need to wait a day.” He answered, turning his cup of hot chocolate between his knees. “I just wanted to get it over with and I got frustrated.” He stared out at the skaters, but not really looking at them Steve could tell. “I’m not seeing the big picture per usual.”

“And maybe I shouldn’t be making decisions for you Buck.” Steve countered. “I gotta trust you to make them yourself.. even if I don’t agree with it.”

“You don’t want me to?” Bucky asked, not looking angry just curious.

“What I want here doesn’t matter Buck.” Steve reiterated, sensing Bucky hedging a little. “The decision is yours and it always should’ve been. “ He put his hand on Bucky’s and squeezed. “I won’t take that from you like they did I won’t.”

He leaned over and kissed his head, just under the knit cap Bucky was wearing and just held his lips there. He felt Bucky shudder slightly as if a big shiver went through him, and felt his hand taken as they sat there on the bench.

“You know I kinda love you punk.” Bucky said quietly, nuzzling his face against the side of Steve’s.

“Yeah well..” Steve replied, rubbing his back. “I’m pretty fond of you too jerk.”

He looked up as someone laughed loudly in the rink and suddenly he got an idea and got up, pulling Bucky to his feet too. The latter of whom looked surprised, grabbing his hot chocolate as Steve pulled him along. “What’s gotten into you Rogers?” He asked curiously. “You cold or something?”

“Let’s skate.” He suggested, as he pulled Bucky toward the outdoor rink. “What do you say?”

Bucky looked really surprised, trying to finish his hot chocolate as they walked. “I’d say we don’t have skates punk.”

Steve pulled him close to him and pointed at the shack. “And I’d say you can rent them jerk.” He told him, giving him a quick kiss. “So lets do it.”

Bucky shook his head and let himself be led along. “Alright..” He mused. “This should be interesting considering I haven’t skated in like 80 years.”

“It’s just like riding a bike remember?” Steve reminded him. “You certainly didn’t forget how to do that did you?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, as if he knew exactly what Steve was thinking. He was thinking of how deftly Bucky maneuvered the motorcycle, to the point of almost leaning the three quarters of the way over on turns and still holding himself up. Of Bucky’s natural athletic grace that the serum had had nothing to do with. Especially when it came to things like this.

“Well no.. but this is different.”

“No it isn’t.” Steve retorted as they got to the shack. “I remember you being pretty good at this too.”

“I was a freakin kid at the last time I did this.” Bucky reminded him. “Probably fall on my ass now.”

Steve smiled as he paid for the skates. “Well that might not be such a bad thing jerk.”

“Oh really why’s that smartass.?”

Leaning over, Steve let his hand pat said ass discreetly. “Because then I’ll be forced to take care of it later is all.” He whispered to him. “You know.. rub the sore spots.”

“Well then..” Bucky replied just as saucily, his eyes hooded. “Let’s skate then.”

They got their skates and were soon on the ice, and while wobbly at first it seemed to come back them both right away. To the point where Bucky was actually skating backwards with his fingers looped in Steve’s as they skated to some Christmas song that they didn’t know but that was fine. It was festive. In the spirit and that was all that mattered.

“And you were worried?” Steve told him as they skated along. “Showoff.”

Bucky smiled and did a little kick with his leg and stopped them, spinning around and making like he was gonna fall so Steve could catch him. “Oops.” He said grinning as he leaned in his arm. “How clumsy of me.”

Steve just shook his head and pulled up to him, wrapping his hand around the back of his head as the other skaters flew by them. His smile was gorgeous and he just had to kiss him right there, their cold lips warming the other up. Bucky’s metal arm, covered in a jacket, wrapped around Steve’s waist as he steadied them both on the ice. Enjoying a perfect moment under the Christmas lights.

“Thanks punk.” Bucky whispered to him, pulling back and leaning his head against. “This is great.”

“You’re welcome jerk.” He replied, nuzzling his face against Bucky’s. “Can you teach me how to do that?”

“What? Skate backwards?” Bucky chuckled, shaking his head. “You can barely skate forwards.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?” He told him standing back from him. “Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe.” Bucky answered sassily and pulled away, starting to skate away. “Think you can catch me punk?”

He watched as Bucky skated off in a flurry of ice and circled the rink. He didn’t bother chasing him just yet, just wanting to watch the smooth as silk way he moved as he skate, using those gorgeous thighs of his power him around. He was good, but then again he was good at most things he really put his mind too and he looked beautiful, his hair flowing out from under the knit hat he was wearing, eyes reflecting the light, breath puffing white clouds as he came by and Steve just reached out and grabbed him again by the waist, pulling him back to him, probably the only person in the world who had the reflexes to do it.

“Gotcha.” He said with a grin, pulling him to him again.

“That’s cheating Rogers.” Bucky said with a roll of the eyes. “You just waited for me to come back around.”

Steve smiled, pulling him close. “You didn’t how you just said catch me.”

Bucky shook his head, probably recalling their earlier conversation at the hotel. “Spoken like a true smartass.” He said sassily, sliding his hands into Steve’s pockets teasingly. “I’m proud of you punk.”

“I learned from the best.” He told him, brushing back a strand of hair that fell out of his hat. “I did like like watching you though.”

Bucky brushed his lips teasingly over Steve’s again, really enjoying himself he was glad to see. “Well should be careful then Rogers.” He teased. “If your tongue had dropped any lower it’d be stuck to the ice stupid.” He gave Steve’s ass a squeezing tease before pulling away. “So how about you actually try to keep up now?”

And then he took off again and this time Steve did take chase, having to admit the view was quite the nice view from behind. Bucky would turn around every so often and skate backwards, showing off before taking off again and he could hear him laughing as he did. It was a lovely sound. A little reprieve in the middle of a rough trip. Making happy memories for once in this city.

Finally he was able to pull him aside again and took his gloves off, wanting to touch his cold flushed face skin to skin as he kissed him yet again. His lips were cold too but were slowly warming up as Steve made sure to do a thorough job of it. He felt the coolness of Bucky’s metal hand through his glove as it rested on the back of his neck and lived in the feeling as a light snow shower opened up over their heads.

“Think I need to take you back to the hotel.” He suggested against his lips. “You’re freezing.”

Wanting to get those layers of clothing off and get his hands on him now. The kind of warmth that only came from skin on skin contact. He felt Bucky’s fingers flex into his hair as if sharing this thought as well, their eyes mere inches from each other, their shenanigans obvious to anyone with eyes of their own that they were very much in love and ready to jump each other.

“Thought you’d never ask punk.” Bucky told him with his blue eyes hooded. “Let’s get warm together.”

He couldn’t think of a better way to finish the night. But for now he couldn’t stop kissing him under a new fall of snow all around them.

\--

Bucky fell back on the pillow, feeling exhausted and satisfied. And very, very warm now. His body had a fine sheen of sweat on it as he came down from his high, one leg still wrapped around Steve’s thigh, his metal fingers tangled in his hair as Steve sucked a new beautiful mark on his neck in the afterglow.

It never got old that was for sure.

Steve rose from lavishing attention on his neck to kiss him deeply, more than they could’ve ever done in public and he let himself be pressed into the pillow again, sighing at the feel of Steve’s hands on his waist, hips and thighs, holding him to him and making him breathless again.

“I loved watching you skate today.” Steve told him as he nuzzled his jawline. “So damn sexy.” Warm fingers trailed over Bucky’s thigh and he moaned softly, his eyes fluttering hazily. “I wanted to fuck you right then and there sweetheart.”

Bucky loved when Steve talked like this, it always turned him inside out and he moaned again, the fingers of his flesh hand digging into his back as he gripped his hair with the other one. “That would be indecent Captain.” He purred in his ear. “You could get arrested for that.”

Hell Bucky was thinking he could’ve gotten arrested for what he’d just done to him, because that should’ve been illegal. Hell the marks they’d left on each other could’ve bene evidence. Not that Bucky every complained mind you. He was insanely addicted to it. And grateful as hell because he didn’t have to think about anything else for hours. The distraction was much needed and he lived in it for a while.

“I’d go to jail for you Sergeant Barnes.” Steve said to him as he lifted his head and nuzzled his face. “Hell I’d die a thousand deaths for you if I had to.”

It was just a sappy sentiment, but it filled him with such love because he knew it was true. He would do anything for him, and vice-versa. There was no hesitation in that at all. Bucky flexed his fingers into Steve’s hair and kissed him again fiercely, clamping his thighs around Steve’s hips again, holding him to him as he did.

“Don’t you die on me anytime soon punk.” He breathed against his lips. “I’ve gotten used to having you around.”

He then wrapped Steve up in his arms, holding his head against his shoulder. Steve’s body still lay sweetly between Bucky’s bent knees and he had no desire to move at all, the weight was comforting. He pressed his lips into Steve’s blonde hair and breathed him in deeply, feeling his lips buried in the scar tissue of his shoulder causing him to moan as kissed the sensitive skin there.

“I’m not going anywhere Buck.” He heard him whisper against his shoulder. “you’ll never have to be without me I promise.”

Bucky smiled and closed his eyes, letting himself drift. Thinking about earlier in the day, about that argument in the compound. About how he’d definitely been pissed, thinking that Steve was trying to control him in some way and knowing that once again he might have just overreacted to his concern for his well-being. Their skating excursion and now this had given him clarity to understand yet again. It always took a while for him to contemplate himself and his motivations and now he was feeling a bit bad about it as a result.

“Steve?” He asked tentatively. “About earlier.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve said softly as he nuzzled his scars more, eliciting another soft moan. “You were upset I understand.”

“You were trying to protect me and I was being an ass.” He told him as Steve lifted his head to look at him. “It’s not okay.”

Steve seemed to get up on his elbows and look down at Bucky intently. “I don’t need to protect you Buck.” He said, lifting a hand to brush his hair softly. “I need to support you and I didn’t.” That hand rested on his face gently as he looked deeper in his eyes. “He hurt you.. and if you need to confront him I won’t stop you.. I just gotta be here for you that’s all.”

Bucky bit his lip and looked down, his hands wrapping around Steve’s arms loosely. Feeling relieved and yet terrified at the same time. He knew it was good for him to face these things head on but being in the same room with that man again scared him in a new way. He’d framed him, used him and set him up to be nearly killed and the horrifying fact was he wasn’t even the first to do that to him. Just the latest.

_You’re afraid if you start talking the horrors will never stop.._

He closed his eyes, trying to push it away but it wouldn’t leave him now. He gripped Steve’s arms a little tighter to ground himself in the now. Calling on him and the Soldier in his head to calm him and keep him steady because he couldn’t lose it yet. He had to hang on for a least one more day. Couldn’t let himself fall apart just yet. Not until he was clear of this and far away.

Steve seemed to sense this and held his head against his. “When you’re ready to talk..” He whispered to him as he held his face there. “I’m here.”

He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut. “I know.” He replied just as softly, nuzzling his face against Steve’s a little more. “I can’t.. not yet..”

Steve nodded and pulled his lips to his before rolling onto his back so Bucky was now on top of him. His hand buried itself into Bucky’s now loose hair, bunching it into his fingers, his other hand pressing into his lower back, flattening his palm into it. The gentle pressure of this took the tension out of him again, letting his legs fall on either side of Steve’s hips as he straddled him.

“Take whatever you need then.” He heard Steve whisper as he pulled his lips away. “Anything at all.”

Bucky looked down at him, his eyes showing barely contained emotion. He loved him for this too, the ways he gave comfort to him, and understood what he needed, and when he needed it. They were so in tune with each other now, and so accepting of the others needs and proclivities they barely had to say it. And Steve knew that when Bucky couldn’t talk that this was what he needed. He needed to forget again and it was okay.

So he was riding him, letting the rest of that tension fade with every pulse of pleasure that rolled through him as he pushed himself down onto him, taking him deep again and losing himself in the feeling. 

“You’re so..damn.. beautiful.” Steve murmured to him, still holding his hair as he thrusted deliciously up into him. “God…I love..you..”

Bucky just stared down at him, feeling Steve’s words strongly, letting his hands, one metal, one flesh, grip his shoulders, the fingers digging in as he took what he needed yet again. His knees clamped on his hips, his eyes rolling as it took over everything yet again. Giving him the release he needed right now.

“Steve..I.. He moaned in return, unable to finish as hefelt himself getting close again. “Shit..”

And once he finally came he collapsed, spent in his arms, curling up next to him and just let himself be held tightly under the covers, practically cocooned by Steve and the blankets combined warmth. Allowing himself to be raw and vulnerable because it was safe to do so here. It always was.

“I’m gonna see him tomorrow.” He said quietly into Steve’s neck. “I have to.”

“I know.” He heard Steve say, his hand in his hair. “You do what you gotta do.”

Bucky smiled and cuddled closer to him. “And whatever you got me today, you can give me tomorrow.” He told him, wrapping his metal arm around Steve’s waist. “I can wait.”

“Okay gorgesous.” Steve told him, nuzzling his face into Bucky’s hair. “If that’s what you want.”

He had a feeling that whatever it was, he’d need it more tomorrow than tonight. When he could finally let some of this stress truly go. When he faced another monster from his past. He’d faced them down before and survived and knew he would survive this time too.

He felt himself getting sleepy and smiled as the cat settled at their feet, a warm purring body that kept his feet warm as well. A touch of home. “I love you punk.” He whispered to him, burying his face in his shoulder as he got comfortable. He never wanted to stop saying that ever. He wasn’t afraid to now.

“Love you too jerk.” Steve said to him as he finally drifted away. “Go to sleep.”

It was the last thing he heard as he drifted off into the dark warm place of sleep.

\--

Bucky still had nightmares. Bad ones. It was simply a fact of life, something that would most likely never stop. The only saving grace was he didn’t remember the really bad ones. Because he didn’t wake up from them anymore, Steve made sure of that.

They had been told by both his neurologist and Amelia that waking him up during the worst of them could be detrimental to his mental and emotional health due to the intensity of them. Like sleep-walking it was important not to disrupt the cycle because of the potential for trauma and even possible psychotic breaks. It was best to let it alone and ride it out, but it was difficult just the same to watch it happen.

Sometimes he would sit up and scream, nearly tumbling off the bed and have to be restrained from behind, and other times he would start struggling in his arms and have to be held down. Mostly for his own protection because the potential to hurt himself was huge during them. In fact he had on a few occasion, pulled out his shoulder or hit his head so care was needed. And tonight was no exception.

And, although had never told him, he’d taken a few swings at him in his sleep as well. Just reflexive defense from his dreams, with his metal arm. Luckily Steve had great reflexes and never got hurt, but it was something Bucky didn’t need to know for obvious reasons.

He hadn’t had a Winter Soldier incident in a year and a half, since he’d merged himself again, which had always been more dangerous for other reasons. But this was still chronic problem that there was really no cure for.

This time Steve had to hold him down and soothe him as he screamed and thrashed. Whatever torture he was remembering was deep in his subconscious and honestly Steve hoped he never remembered it consciously because it sounded horrible. Deep painful stuff his mind kept away from his waking mind for his sanity. But in his sleep, it came out, like a demon in the dark biting him hard enough to bleed.

“Stop please… lemme go!” He would shout, pushing back against him. “It hurts..”

“Sssh..” Steve would soothe, his hands clamped on Bucky’s forearms to keep him from striking. “You’re safe it’s okay.”

It wasn’t the screams that were the worst, it was the whimpers when he gave in. The child-like way his face would crumple towards the end. “I’ll do what you want.. please…”

This time he had struggled so hard that there were now finger shaped bruises on his arm. And Steve hated when that happened. He didn’t want to hurt him like that. Yeah they left marks on each other from their often rough exertions but this was different and it made him emotional. Because he’d imagined the marks they’d left on him over the years from the horrific abuse they’d inflicted. He’d always kiss them softly afterward as he comforted him in the aftermath.

It was a part of it. A part of their lives. A secret thing that they dealt with. Every relationship and marriage had these things that were known only to the participants. The little things only you saw and understood this was one of them.

“It’s okay.” He continued to soothe until he stopped shaking. “I’m here it’s okay.”

“Steve?” He heard Bucky say in that strange sleep state. “Steve…”

He sat up and pulled Bucky into his arms, holding him and feeling those small shudders still going through him as he stroked his hair and rubbed his back. Bucky’s arms would always stay at his side limply during this comfort because he was still asleep. But Steve was always sure he could feel it just the same wherever he was in his head because the shaking slowly stopped after a while.

“It’s me.” He’d whisper in his ear. “You’re safe.”

For better or worse he’d said when they’d married. The end of the line, he’d said before that. He meant every word. It was easy and fun to be there when they went skating, when they rode the roller coaster at Coney Island or just sat and watched tv. It was harder to sit through things like this, to watch him suffer the way he had when he was still putting his head together.

But when Bucky smiled, when he laughed it worth going through all the rest of it. His smile was beautiful and Steve lived for it every day.

He laid him back down and picked up his arm, where he’d unfortunately left those finger shaped bruises and kissed it softly as Bucky laid sleeping, breath coming in evenly if not shallowly and then just stared down at him. Feeling that powerful protective love for him. Which brought that rage he’d always felt at the way he’d been hurt and used. That he had to suffer so much, and probably for the rest of his life too.

Wishing he could find all of those assholes and dig them up to tear them apart again. To punish them for this. For Bucky’s constant trauma. But he couldn’t. All he could do was be there when he needed him and that had to be enough.

He laid down next to him and wrapped him up in his arms again, holding him tight and fighting back the pain he often still felt. The guilt he would always feel for not saving him. For not protecting him when he needed it the most. Burying his face in his hair and reminding himself that he was alive and here, breathing in his arms. Broken but still so very strong.

“I’m sorry Buck.” He whispered into his hair. “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.”

He hadn’t protected him from Zemo either. No one had. They had just let the man walk through the door and hurt him again after he’d tried so hard to get better. And he hadn’t been able to stop them from locking him up that terrible hospital either. Something else Bucky never talked about to this day. Steve had talked to his therapist repeatedly. Had to gone to VA meetings but he still hadn’t been able to completely shake his sense of failure even now. He’d just learned to live with it.

He felt Bucky’s arm move around him, as if conscious of this and looked down to see his eyes open. To se that he was awake for real this time.

“Why are you sorry?” He asked, lifting his hand to Steve’s face. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Because I didn’t do enough.” Steve answered, holding him tighter and squeezing his eyes shut. “I failed you.”

Bucky pulled back and put his hands on his face. “No you didn’t.” He told him, pressing his face into Steve’s. “You never failed me. You’re the reason I’m here at all.”

“You’re still in so much pain Buck.” Steve answered, pulling him closer. “I wish I could fix it.”

“You can’t fix it Steve.” Bucky whispered to him. “But you make it better and that’s what matters.”

He pulled back a little and lifted Bucky’s arm again, letting his fingers trail over the mark there. He saw Bucky look at it and back at him as he kissed it again softly, wanting to make it go away. To make all the wounds go away. The visible and non-visible ones.

“I had to retrain you again.” He confessed to him. “I hate having to do that.”

Bucky looked at him pained. “I’m sorry I put you through that.” He said quietly. “You shouldn’t have to deal with that shit so much.”

Steve didn’t answer he just embraced him again, tucking his face into Bucky’s shoulder and feeling him do the same. Comforting each other because they both seemed distraught in some way. In the middle of night, when they were both at their weakest and most vulnerable this happened sometimes. The just clutched and held on to each other until they both stopped shaking.

For better or worse. They both meant it.

“I had a good time today.” Bucky told him after a while. “When we went skating.. it was nice.”

Steve brushed his hair softly, as they lay curled up next to each other. “I’m glad.” He said to him, letting his thumb trace the side of his eye gently. “I like when you’re happy. When you smile.”

“You make me smile Steve.” Bucky reminded him. “You make me stupidly happy punk and I may act like that’s annoying but.” He nuzzled his face against his again. “I actually love it.”

Steve smiled, pushing back the heavier emotion and made a decision right there. “I wanna give you that present.” He told him. “I think it’s the right time.”

“Steve it’s the middle of the night..” Bucky protested as he sat up. “I told you it can wait.”

“No it can’t.” Steve told him, turning back and giving him a quick kiss. “I need to do it now..”

He got up out of the bed, taking care not to wake the cat and turned back to look at Bucky, who’d sat up, the covers pooling at his waist, looking stunning with his slightly tired blue eyes and mussed up hair. Like perfection. He committed the sight to memory, another picture in his mind to carry.

“Well I guess I can’t complain about the view huh?” He said, laying back on an elbow with an eyebrow raised in appreciation.

Steve looked down and realized he wasn’t dressed either and knew Bucky was taking it in even in the darkened room. So he made sure he got an eyeful as he walked over to retrieve the bag and bring it back to the bed, sitting down and handing it to him.

“Merry Christmas Buck.” He said to him, running his hand over his arm as he opened the bag. “It’s early but.. figured you could make some of it now.”

He watched as Bucky opened up the kit, which contained a small, fold out easel and a paint pallet. In the bag were the paints and brushes as well. Bucky looked up at him in surprise and with some serious emotion in his eyes as well. One that looked like gratitude as well.

“Steve I.. “ He said in awe, biting his lip cutely. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Figured you could do that instead of running up the room service bill when we’re travelling.” He teased, as Bucky looked over everything studiously. “Not that I mind spending money on you and all I just thought in the long run..”

Bucky just sat there with a brush in his hand and looked at him with that still surprised look and then just grabbed Steve’s face and kissed him solidly, the paint set scattered across his legs. Steve smiled against his lips and let his hand slide into his hair again, holding him to him, feeling Bucky’s hands holding his face as well.

“Damn I love you so much punk.” Bucky whispered to him, pulling his lips slightly away. “Thank you.”

He laid his head against Bucky’s still fisting his mussed up hair softly. “You don’t have to thank me jerk.” He told him, looking into those deep blue eyes of his. “You deserve good things.” He turned and motioned to the kit. “Wanna try it out.. I mean I know it’s early but..”

Bucky smiled at him and gathered it together. “Hell yeah.” He agreed and got up, putting it on the table before throwing on a long shirt, strictly for warmth. “Don’t think I’m gonna get much sleep anyways..”

Steve threw a pair of shorts on and sat down on the chair, pulling Bucky into his lap at the table and helped him set it up. Watching over his shoulder as he mixed some paints and began painting. It wasn’t clear what it was yet, but that was fine, he loved watching him work. Sitting there with his hands on Bucky’s waist, nuzzling the back of his neck under his hair, he was content to just do that.

“I like it so far.” He whispered in his ear. “Nice colors.”

“Really?” Bucky asked with humor in his voice. “Cause I’m not sure what it is yet.”

“Doesn’t matter Buck I just know it’s beautiful.” He replied, moving hair off his neck as he kissed it. “Just like you..”

“You’re so corny punk.” Bucky said with mirth in his voice. “Don’t ever change.”

And so it was, in the early hours of the morning of the 16th of December that they sat in their hotel, neither of them wanting to sleep for a variety of reasons, that Steve Rogers made another sweet memory. This time of Bucky sitting on his lap, expressing the turmoil and hope in his head onto canvas and it was one of his favorites of that trip.

Knowing the day would be hard but they would get through it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so after a bit of intensity in the first chapter I wanted to tone it down slightly, I mean obviously there is some angst and stuff but I wanted to add some fluffy moments and the ice-skating and stuff was an attempt at that. 
> 
> Bucky does like to close off a bit when things get stressful for him, for understandable reasons. And what I like is how Steve has sort of adjusted to this to the point where he doesn't really push him on. That doesn't stop them from having some heated discussions of course as this chapter proves. But the fact that they are very much in tune with each other prevents things from getting TOO heated, but Bucky will continue to push back until he's ready to talk and so catharsis comes in different ways right now. 
> 
> I was always a bit irritated by the fact that Bucky was never really allowed to confront anyone that hurt him, he wasn't allowed the autonomy in that sense in canon, everyone else took care of the people we know of that hurt him. It was why it was important to me to have him do what he did in the previous fic (i.e killing and later diminishing one of his main abusers) and the fact that he is adamant about seeing Zemo in this one. I think confrontation can be important in those ways, for closure that is. So I wanted to give him some more of that. And I hope that in the upcoming show he has that he at least a chance at that man, and that they don't take it away from him. Because Zemo did some damage. So in the next chapter you will see my version of that and it will be intense I can tell you right now. 
> 
> I love ice skating, although, like Bucky I haven't done it in forever and I'm pretty sure I'd be wobbly to start but like with him it would come to me. It fits Christmas theme of this fic, and it's something fun they can do that gives them good memories of Berlin for once. So I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Bucky should've always had a travel paint kit, it might have avoided the whole wine thing the day before and given him another outlet but he has one now. And it will come in handy soon as he'll have a lot to get off his chest that's for sure. 
> 
> Nightmares are probably something he will continually suffer from and it is true that the more intense of his sleep episodes it's good not to wake him as painful as it is. The ones he's suffering are so deep in his subconcious that they are very traumatic, so Steve is right to keep him asleep during them. And our brains often will not allow us to remember deep trauma clearly for a reason so it's good he doesn't really remember them. Unfortunately Steve does and it takes a toll to watch as you can see. And the fact that sometimes injuries result is unfortunate as well. But as you can see Bucky is not oblivious to the effect this has so that will be addressed more going forward. 
> 
> The next chapter is tentatively titled 'Black and Red' and you will see his confrontation with Zemo and it's effects very clearly ass we move forward so I'm looking forward to it.


	3. The Red and the Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, life you know, especially around the holidays yeeeesh lol
> 
> artwork on my Tumblr as always

Bucky had woken up abruptly from the nightmare, the first time in a long he’d remembered one of them. Unlike the one he’d had in the middle of the night, which he’d had virtually no recollection of other than the way it had affected Steve to see it. But this one had actually woken him up and it was yet another setback he didn’t like. That his sleep was getting interrupted again by this shit.

Shaking slightly, he turned around in Steve’s arms and pressed his face into one of those broad shoulders. He felt Steve’s arm wrap around him under the covers a little more and squeezed his eyes shut until the images started to recede from his waking mind. Images of being trapped in that chair and unable to get free. Of hearing those words and his body being taken over again, knowing what was coming and unable to stop it.

And of that black void, the place where those words sent his conscious mind to. The frightening darkness that existed on the other of end of that hallway in his head. The part of that the light never got to even now.

Bucky still saw that place once and a while. It was filled with light from an open door now, and he had been picking through what that light revealed in therapy for over a year now. But the other end of the hall had remained completely black, impenetrable darkness. Like a black hole. Cold air seemed to waft out from it, the kind of cold that chilled his bones and he couldn’t seem to get rid of. He’d never ventured that far even then. Hell he barely looked at it. He’d been too focused on the purgatory between it and the door.

It was the blackness of depression he knew. And he didn’t even want to acknowledge it. Not yet.

He felt Steve’s lips press into his hair and snuggled a little more against him, wanting more warmth. Feeling weak and stupid at how safe this made him feel sometimes. Like a child that needed his magic blanket to keep the monsters away. Bucky had grown up with the idea drilled into him that strength was in a man’s a ability to control his emotions and not show weakness or fear, and it had been something he’d still fought with from time to time. Thinking how could he be strong when he needed this so much just to hold him together sometimes.

“You okay?” He heard Steve ask into his hair. “You’re shaking a little.”

“Yeah.” He answered, nuzzling his shoulder a bit more. “Just cold.”

“You sure that’s it?”

Bucky nodded his head, but knew he wasn’t going to lie to him outright either. “I don’t wanna talk about it okay?” He told him, hating himself a little for continuing to shut him out like that. “I’m sorry.”

“Alright.” Steve said softly to him, letting his hand rub Bucky’s back soothingly. “You don’t have to.” He felt his lips brush his hair again. “Not right now.”

Bucky smiled and took a deep breath as if to take him into his lungs, his face pressed into that spot where Steve’s neck met his shoulder. Both his hands were bent between them, palms pressed into Steve’s chest, allowing the whole of him to wrapped up in the warm arms of his favorite punk. Still wondering what he’d done to ever deserve him.

“You’re too good.” He whispered against his skin, just letting himself be crushed against him. “Still a punk though. “ He smiled again. “But you’re the sweetest one ever.”

Steve chuckled, a deep comforting rumble in his chest that Bucky loved the feeling of. “Now whose being corny?”

“You’re still the king of that.” Bucky purred as he moved his lips up a little more onto Steve’s neck. “Ain’t no getting that crown Rogers.”

“And my boo bear loves it.” Was Steve’s answer, that actually caused Bucky to chuckle himself, almost in embarrassment, burying his further into Steve’s neck. “That’s why I do it.”

He did. It was so grounding for him sometimes, Steve’s inherent corniness. Things such as his penchant to collect stuffed animals, the more disgustingly cute the better. His taste in movies and music, and the fact that he was an annoying morning person. And his ability to come up with terms of endearment that Bucky would not allow him to say in public but leaked out sometimes anyways. It was his protective nature, sweetness and overall patience that were the most endearing, even if Bucky pretended to be annoyed by all of it. He needed it, especially in times like this.

“And I thought you were just annoying for the sake of it.” Bucky mused, nuzzling his neck now. “But you’re right.. I’m hooked on the cheesiness that is Captain America.”

This time Steve actually laughed, and Bucky felt that hand snake into his hair, bunching it up before pulling his lips to his for a sweet morning kiss. Bucky sighed, letting his hands move to grip Steve’s arms and allowing himself to be crushed closer with Steve’s other arm, the fabric of their sleep-shirts rustling against each other, feet wrapping together under the covers and the warm purring body of the cat. Whom simply looked up at them and yawned before stretching and going back to sleep again.

Finally they broke apart and their heads rested together in companionable silence. “You sure you wanna do this today?” Steve asked after a minute or so.

Bucky nodded against his head, knowing exactly what he meant. “Not really but I know I have to.”

“I know you do Buck I’m just saying because of the date and all.” Steve replied, stroking his hair softly. “And the way you’ve been lately..”

“I’m fine Steve.” He said shortly, pulling back a little. “Just had a few rough patches that’s all.. I can handle this.”

“Bucky you and I both know it’s more than just that.”

He felt slightly defensive, having a feeling about what was coming. And it wasn’t just about the natural edginess he felt about the current date or task at hand either. They’d had the conversation over and over again. And not just in the last week. He was concerned about his state of mind sometimes, especially some of these depressive moods he got in on his bad days. An aspect of his PTSD he was not ready to admit to yet. The depression part of it. It had been hard enough to admit and deal with all the other issues it had caused over the years but this particular definition of his mood, which was a normal symptom of his illness, had been particularly hard to for him to admit and he wasn’t sure why.

“I’m not getting into this right now Steve.” He continued in that same tone, starting to get up. “It’s just a little setback and once we get out of here and get to Wakonda I’ll be fine.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his arm as he got up, not a hard restraint, but a firm one. “Bucky you’re not fine.” He heard him, his voice soft, patient, almost making him want to get back in bed. “And a change of scenery is not gonna fix that.”

Bucky closed his eyes, knowing he was right. And it wasn’t like it was a pleasure vacation there either. They were going to work on his arm, taking it off and updating it and it would make the aches and pains he currently had feel like tickle when those nerves got exposed again. Bringing back all kinds of other memories as well.

This time of year was rough no matter where he was. And that buried depression wasn’t just going to go away when it got warm. But he wasn’t ready to deal with any of this right now. He needed to seal himself up for what he needed to do today.

“I gotta take a shower.” He said finally, in an even voice as he pulled himself off the bed. “Otherwise we’ll be late.”

“It’s not gonna matter if we’re little late Buck.”

He turned around, making himself a little dizzy as he did. “It matters to me.” He snapped back. “I just anna get it over with.”

“We got time.” Steve told him, putting his hands on his shoulders. “We need to talk about this.”

He shook his head. “We don’t need to talk about anything I’m fine.”

“Bucky..”

Bucky glared back at Steve defensively. “I’m not depressed.” He finally said, his voice cracking. “I just have rough days so just let it go alright?”

He pulled away and went to the bathroom to take a shower, not bothering to hear his response. He didn’t want to. He knew he was wrong but once again just couldn’t admit that either. For years he’d fought the idea of having any type of PTSD related depression and at this moment he’d realized that he was the one who’d actually said the word and not Steve. Truth was no one had said it outright, just nudged it at him once and awhile and here he was throwing it out despite his outright denial of it.

He got undressed and got in the shower with this thought, turning on the water super hot because he just wanted it that way. Wanted the juxtaposition of the cool shower tiles, the hot water and the massive amount of steam it would create. He realized on a subconscious level he hadn’t locked the bathroom door either. But to be honest he never locked it. Not anymore. Not at home or anywhere.

It was for Steve’s piece of mind considering some of the things that happened in there over the years.

Seizures, wrist cutting. Things like that. Not that that any those were likely to happen these days. But the habit stuck, and he was somewhat glad of that. Especially for Steve’s sake after all he’d put him through over the years.

For now he just put his head under the shower spray trying to just not think at all at the moment. To just get lost in the white steamy haze for a while.

\--

Steve stared at the painting Bucky had on the easel on the table. Seeing the colors used in what was starting to look like a bizarre self-portrait. Made up of a lot of reds and blacks. He knew the colors meant something. Every line and nuance Bucky used had some meaning even if he himself didn’t understand it at first. And Steve had spent a lot of time observing Bucky’s work trying to understand as best he could.

The colors seemed like feelings, things he didn’t or couldn’t express outside of his head yet. Maybe providing a window for him to decipher what he was going through right now. And how it related to this unhealthy denial he’d had regarding the symptomatic depression he’d had for years now. The thing he just asserted were ‘rough days’ but Steve knew were more than that.

He’d mentioned it to Sam, who he knew would not tell Bucky they were talking about this, and Sam had agreed, telling Steve that it was another part of it. And that a lot of people had trouble with that one because the stigma of it. Bucky was still working on the other aspects of his mental health it wasn’t a surprise he didn’t want to acknowledge this yet.

“People tend think you’re just sad and that you should just cheer up but its not that simple.” Sam had explained to him one day over lunch. “It’s not sadness it’s an emptiness.. like being stuck in the dark and it’s hard to pull yourself out of that.” He seemed to give a sad look at this. “Some get too lost in and don’t make it out.”

He knew what Sam was talking about with that, remembering Bucky in so much despair one time that he’d actually cut his wrist and that still hurt to think about. And Sam must’ve seen the look on this face because he immediately attempted to reassure him.

“He’ll be okay Steve, he’s just a stubborn bastard.” Sam said affectionately. “Just gotta wait him as always.”

“Well he always says I’m the most stubborn person he knows.” Steve said with a relieved chuckle. “I think I can hold out..”

As he sat there he felt Arya jump onto his lap and start purring, rubbing her face against his shirt, which pulled him out of that memory. Smiling he petted her, listening to Bucky start up the shower. Having these old worries coming back to him to again. The feeling that he was pulling back into himself lately, shutting down again to protect himself.

“Hey sweetie.” He said the little cat, who looked up at her blonde daddy with her bright green eyes. “You worried too?” He picked her up and let her set her paws on his shoulders. “Think I should go check on him?”

Arya meowed as if in affirmation and rubbed her face against Steve’s neck. He smiled and petted her a little more, before carrying her over to the bed and placing her on it. He kissed her little head and she curled up there and watched him with her bright eyes.

“Don’t worry love.” He told her, his large hand nearly covered her head as he gave her another pet. “I’ll take care of Daddy for you.”

He went to the bathroom and felt that strange sense of relief at the fact that it was unlocked. Bucky never locked it. Not since that night at the Lake. Not that there had ever been a rehash of that incident, but he knew it was just for peace of mind.

The water was loud, ringing against the tiles and the room was already steamed up when he got in and started taking off his own clothes. He stopped for a minute, taking in Bucky’s fuzzy profile. He was taken, as he always was by just how beautiful he was, how perfect. It made his heart ache just to look at him.

Finally after another moment he climbed in and slid his arms around him from behind. He felt him stiffen slightly, but not in a startled way. More of a defensive way instead.

“I’m not here to badger you.” He whispered in his ear, his palms laying flat on Bucky’s stomach. “Just thought I’d wash your hair.”

It had been something they’d done for a while. When he was having a rough time, Steve would get him in the shower and do just that. It seemed silly and cliché, but Bucky seemed to love it. Would instantly relax into his touch and purr like contented cat. So all he had to do was say it or suggest it and Bucky knew exactly what it meant and leaned back into him.

“Sure.” He heard Bucky say over the sound of the water. “If you insist.”

He nuzzled his neck tenderly before reaching for the shampoo and proceeding to do just that, working the shampoo into his hair and lathering it up nice before rinsing it out. And then conditioning it, massaging his scalp and letting his fingers comb through his wet hair. He could see Bucky’s eye’s fluttering and heard that purr like hum coming from him.

Once he was done with his hair, he let his hands slide over those perfect hips and thighs, burying his face into the scar tissue on his shoulder, and nuzzle it softly. He felt Bucky moan softly and leaned back more into him.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky whispered in a breathy voice. “About earlier… I mean..” He felt Bucky’s metal fingers entwine in his as it came to rest on his waist. “I’m just a little… I feel..”

Steve shook his head and lifted his other arm to turn Bucky’s face to him a little. “It’s alright.” He told him in a soft, yet firm voice. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

He pulled his lips to his and kissed as the steam rose around them, enveloping them in this warm, nearly opaque world. He felt Bucky turn his arms and wrap his own arms around him, their wet bodies pressing together. He slid his hand into Bucky’s wet hair and pulled him closer, his other hand sliding down his back and coming to rest on his ass, massaging it softly, causing Bucky to moan softly against his lips.

Their lips pulled back only slightly as he looked into those teal blue eyes of his. “I’m here for everything Buck.” He told him, his lips still scraping over Bucky’s tenderly. “When you’re happy or sad.. dosen’t matter.. I’m here.”

He saw Bucky hood his eyes, beads of water running down his face as nuzzled his face against Steve’s. “I’m not sad.” He said, almost too quietly to hear over the water. “It’s not that..”

Steve let his fingers rub his ass and hip softly, intimately. “Then what is it?” He asked, brushing his lips over his.

“I can’t explain it..” Bucky replied, seeming, wrapping his arms tighter around Steve’s, rubbing their faces together. “I don’t want to.. not here..” His lips skated over Steve’s again. “Because it’s… nothing… empty.. the opposite of this.”

It made sense and didn’t to Steve at the same time, but it was more than he’d admitted to in a long time. He thought maybe he was describing depression the best way he could, but the way he softly bit his lip when he said it was a mixture of all 3 ways he did that. Sweet, sexy and scared at the same time. So he pulled him another kiss, holding him closer to him.

“It’s okay..” He whispered against his lips. “It’s okay.”

Bucky pulled his lips away and seemed to bury his face Steve’s shoulder. “But It’s not.” He said, his voice muffled by the water and Steve’s shoulder. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

The fact that he was at least admitting that was good, but it hurt to know that he still suffered even now. Steve knew this was a long-term thing. He knew what he’d signed up for years ago and had no regrets about it. Because Bucky was worth it and always would be. And there was a part of him that always wanted to be his sturdy rock in the roughest of times.

He knew he couldn’t fix it, couldn’t fix him but he could this.

Reaching around he finally turned off the water, letting his lips brush Bucky’s forehead as he did. “How about I get you some breakfast?” He suggested, speaking into his wet hair. “And we just.. relax for a bit before we go?”

Bucky pulled back and shook his head. “Steve we gotta go I.. we can’t put this off.”

“No Buck. “ Steve told him, his hands on Bucky’s face. “Not until I’m sure you’re okay.” He saw a slightly irritated, defiant look in Bucky’s eyes. “No arguments.”

Bucky rolled his eyes a little, which was beautiful to Steve because it was a hint of sass in the midst of this. “So I don’t have a choice huh?” He grumbled, extracting himself from Steve and stepping out of the shower to grab a towel. “I feel like a damn child.”

Steve actually smiled at that, strangely thinking this orneriness was cute. He took the towel out of Bucky’s hands and swung it around his back, using it to pull him closer to him again as he dried him off. “It’s not about treating you like a child.” He explained patiently. “Part of my job as your husband is to protect you sometimes.. even if you don’t think you need it.” He pulled on the towel a little more and kissed his head playfully. “So just let me do it jerk and stop fighting me so damn much.”

“I’m not fighting you.” Bucky said, his brow furloughing a little.

Steve chuckled at that. “You’ve been clawing at me for a week now.” He reminded him. “I got scratches all over me.”

Bucky smirked a little at that. “I thought you liked that punk.”

“Of course I do.” Steve shot back, nuzzling his nose against Bucky’s. “But that’s not what I meant.”

“I think it kinda was.” Bucky mused as he turned and grabbed his clothes. “One does follow the other doesn’t it?” He looked back at Steve saucily over his shoulder. “The angrier the better.”

As they both pulled their shirts on, Steve thought maybe he was right on that. Bucky’s mental clawing seemed to go hand in hand with his sexual aggression. Not that it was a problem, because Steve was always willing to allow him to scratch and claw at him if he needed to. Whatever helped him get the shit out of his system.

And there was just something about that angry defiance in Bucky’s eyes just turned him on something fierce. Made him just want to fuck the shit out of him. To pin him down and control him. And Bucky was well aware of this and sometimes used to his advantage. This was a darker aspect of their relationship they both learned to accept and embrace.

“I suppose so.” He answered after a moment. “It certainly gets interesting sometimes.”

He watched as Bucky pulled a dark blue Henley over his tank, form-fitting and perfect with his jeans and once again thought about just how gorgeous he was. With or without clothes the man was a work of art and he admired him as he faced away, picking up the towel again and drying his hair. Especially admiring the way those jeans favored his ass in the best ways possible. He must’ve felt his eyes because he turned around gave him a sassy smile, blue eyes twinkling.

“See something you like Captain?”

Stepping up behind him he snaked his arm around Bucky’s waist. “I see a lot of things I like Sergeant Barnes.” He whispered in his ear and nipped his neck playfully. “All wrapped up in one gorgeous package.”

Looking over his shoulder in the mirror, Steve saw Bucky bite his lips in that cute, yet troubled way. Steve nuzzled his soft, damp hair as if to reassure him that what he said was, in fact the truth. Because sometimes he knew Bucky had his doubts about himself. Still felt insecure sometimes.

“Maybe you’re right.” He said finally, with a heavy sigh. “Maybe I’m not ready to see him yet.” His metal hand found one of Steve’s as he used to the other to brace himself on the sink. “I don’t feel right inside and.. well today’s… a bit rough..”

Steve was slightly surprised by this. “Are you saying you don’t want to go?”

“I’m saying maybe you were right.” Bucky answered in a shaky voice. “Maybe I’m still too fucked up right now.” He closed his eyes, lowering his head. “That I’m not strong enough yet.”

As much as Steve had not wanted him to do this, the fact that he was doubting himself and his own strength bothered him. He had pushed so hard for this right to confront someone who’d hurt him and now he was backing off. Hedging on himself and Steve just could not have that. After how far he’d come he wasn’t going to him doubt himself like that

Turning him around he put his hands on his face and looked in his eyes. “You are strong Buck.” He told him adamantly. “You’ve faced down worse than him.. you are more than strong enough.”

Bucky looked confused, his hands bracing himself on the sink. “I thought you didn’t want me to do it?”

“I still don’t.” He admitted. “But I know you need to do it.. or you’ll never get past it.”

He watched as Bucky lifted his arms, wrapping a metal hand and a flesh one around Steve’s arms and butted his head against his. “It’s gonna be hard.” He told Steve as he stood there. “I might not be good when I come out of that room.. just a warning punk.”

“I know.” Steve whispered to him, pulling him closer right there in the still steamy bathroom. “But I’ll be there just the same.. no matter what jerk.”

Bucky smiled a soft, beautiful smile, one that reminded him of when they were younger. That one that had won his heart and made all the girls in the neighborhood swoon. Those beautiful kissable lips parting invitingly and Steve was perfectly will to take that invitation and pulled his lips to his, kissing him softly, feeling Bucky wrap his arms around him, the metal one digging into his shirt.

“We don’t’ have to go right away.” Bucky sighed against his lips. “Maybe go… back to bed for a bit?”

Steve smiled against his lips and wrapped an arm around Bucky’s waist, lifting him up so he could wrap his legs around Steve’s waist. “We sure can..” He told him, getting a firm grip on his thighs. “But I’m gotta feed my boo bear first.”

“Uh huh.” Bucky purred to him. “Boo bear likes when his Stevie takes care of him.” He rubbed his face against Steve’s. “He does a very good job of it.”

He gave Bucky’s ass a little squeeze as he carried him, loving when he called him Stevie. It was such an old term of endearment that brought back so many early memories for him. Of times Bucky used to carry him around. Of clandestine moments they had to steal when they could, expressing their love in private. Which had only made their bond stronger over the years.

He felt Bucky nuzzle his face into his neck and smiled as he carried him back to the bedroom. More than willing to take care of him whatever way he needed.

\--

Steve made good on his word to feed him first, insisting he eat something, and truth was, Bucky was hungry, at least his stomach was, even if the rest of him didn’t have an appetite due the apprehension of later. But once he had the food, he wolfed it down.

After he’d finished he’d tossed his plate aside and grabbed Steve’s shirt, pulling him to him to on the bed to kiss him. The shower had gotten him warmed up and now he wanted more. Much more.

“It was kind of stupid to get dressed I guess.” Steve mused as they kissed. “Considering and all.”

“Yeah maybe but..” Bucky added, pulling away and laying back on the bed provocatively. “Unwrapping the package is half the fun isn’t it?”

Steve got that predatory glint in his eyes that made Bucky’s insides turn to mush. “Uh huh..” He growled softly, undoing Bucky’s jeans and pressing his face to his exposed skin. “My favorite part actually.”

Soon the clothes that they had put on in the bathroom came completely off again as Bucky very much wanted a distraction from the day. From the date and what was coming later. From his fears and self-doubt. And sex was always a good one. He moaned thickly, gripping the sheets hard as his legs were parted, and Steve’s very talented fingers were opening him up, sliding in and finding that bundle of nerves that always set him off like a rocket.

He now had 3 fingers in there as his lips sucked a beautiful mark onto his hip. He loved when Steve marked him, loved the feeling of being claimed like that. Amplified by the possessive way Steve would growl as he did it. It turned him on to hear that. And made him feel safe and protected, like nothing bad could touch him and really nothing could.

Steve Rogers owned his soul and Bucky was more than willing to let him have it.

Then his legs were over Steve’s shoulders and he was gone. Feeling the hungry, possessive way Steve feasted on him, feeling his hands gripping his thighs tightly as he was gloriously devoured. And as always, Steve took his time with this. He never half-assed anything.

He was coming so hard, and Steve took care of that too, leaving no part of his body excluded and Bucky was just delirious with pleasure, gripping his hair as he finished him off, his body arching, legs loosing strength and just sort of falling off his back right before he was finally released and lay there gasping for breath, his body thrumming, skin on fire.

“Jesus fucking Christ punk…” He gasped weakly. “I still wanna know who the hell taught you that..”

Steve chuckled as he nuzzled his stomach. “I’ll give you a hint..” Steve sassed back. “A gorgeous brunette taught me..”

“Oh really?” Bucky asked, still panting as Steve slid up his body to lean over him. “And who was this person so I can thank them..”

“I can’t tell you the name.. that’s a state secret.” Steve teased, sucking another mark onto Bucky’s neck, eliciting a moan. “All I can say is he was my Sergeant in the Army.”

“Sounds like a talented guy.” Bucky answers, letting thigh slide teasingly over Steve’s hip.

Steve smiled and bit Bucky’s neck softly. “He sure is..” He whispered in his ear. “Fucking gorgeous too.”

Wrapping his arms around Steve’s back he tangled his hands in his blond hair and held his face to his shoulder, feeling his lips nuzzling that place where the metal met the flesh. Where scars he still felt a bit ashamed of, still laid and always would. A symbol of the horrible pain that had been inflicted upon him, still marking him, not allowing him to ever completely forget. But his lips felt good there on that sensitive skin, making him feel raw and emotional as those metal fingers gripped Steve’s hair, his eyes fluttering.

Opening his eyes, he looked at the table where that travel paint kit Steve had gotten him was. Seeing the black and red jagged lines. A scary yet beautiful revelation of his mind. The colors made perfect sense to him, the color of deep feelings, both of which he was afraid of. Afraid of what they meant. Of the potential they had.

_Tell him.._ he heard the voice of the Winter Soldier in his head, now a comforting, calm voice instead of something he feared. _Steve loves us.._

“Steve..” He whispered to him. “I need to tell you.. something.”

He saw as Steve lift his head, getting up on his elbow, his other hand brushing Bucky’s hair soothingly again. His body still laying between Bucky’s knees, weight still partially on him. A comforting weight as he looked in his sky-blue eyes.

“What is it Buck?” He asked softly. “You okay?”

He went for broke, being completely honest. “No I’m not.” He admitted, biting his lip. “I keep pretending it’s okay and shutting you out but.. truth is I’m in the black a lot more than I wanna be..”

“What’s the black?” Steve asked, lifting a hand to his face. “Tell me.”

“It’s.. nothing.” Bucky told him, being perfectly honest even though it might not have sounded like it. “It’s dark.. empty..” He swallowed hard. “Cold.. Nothing..” He looked up to the ceiling, away from his eyes, unable to meet them. “It’s worse than being in pain… you just feel.. nothing at all.”

Steve continued to brush his comfortingly. “Do you feel like that now?”

“No..” Bucky said adamantly, looking back at him fiercely. “What I feel here is the opposite of that.” He warped his hands around Steve’s arms. “This good.. feels warm.. safe like always but..” He bit his lips nervously. “The dark has been creeping in lately. I just didn’t want to admit it.”

“Why not?”

He thought about the answer and knew what it was. It was like everything else in his healing process. Talking about it made it real. And a threat. It would open those doors again. The additional information that he’d withheld even now because that blackness was something he’d gotten lost in before. Had remembered sinking into while in captivity. After the room and what happened in there. It had allowed them to control him. His retreat both into and from it giving them the opportunity to fill the void with their programming.

And he wanted to retreat from it now too. But that was dangerous he knew.

“Because.. it would make it real.” He told him honestly, averting his eyes again. “It means I’m having problems again and… maybe need more medication and I just.. I’ve been working so hard to get out of that and here I am again.” He turned his head away now, toward the window. “A complete fucking mess.”

The hand in his hair continued to stroke it for a moment longer before Bucky felt himself pulled up into Steve’s arms and embraced. He sat there for a moment, his arms still resting on Steve’s forearms, face pressed into Steve’s shoulder. Thinking about how strong he was, how effortlessly Steve could lift him like this and wrap him up. He’d been comforting him all day it seemed, even though it wasn’t deep into the day yet. And Bucky had not fought it all that hard to be honest because he felt weak as all hell today. Raw, like everything was close to the surface and sometimes being touched made it hurt. But instead of biting and scratching he simply accepted the comfort because he was safe here and always would be.

“You’re not a mess.” He heard Steve whisper into his hair. “You have it under control now.”

Bucky’s arms slid around to Steve’s back, the lower part of his face pressed into his shoulders. Looking at the painting on the table. “Doesn’t feel like it.” He replied, voice muffled against Steve’s skin. “Feels like I’m losing it all over again.”

He felt Steve lift his head from his shoulder, fingers imbedded in hair as he put his forehead against Bucky’s. “You look pretty together to me.” He told him, their lips brushing. “Completely freaking beautiful actually.”

Bucky smiled at that, feeling strangely relieved. “You’re biased punk.” He replied, closing his eyes. “Just sayin’. “

“Damn straight I am jerk.” Steve sassed back, digging his fingers more into Bucky’s hair. “Got no shame in admitting that.”

Bucky chuckled and rolled his eyes and was immediately kissed again, Steve’s hand gripping his hair in that pleasant way that never got old. He moaned softly against his lips, feeling himself put back down on his back again, his legs wrapping around Steve’s thighs thoughtlessly, their tongues tangled up as deliciously as their bodies were.

When their lips finally parted Steve looked down at him with those calming blue eyes. “Whatever your dealing with.. we’ll get through it..” He said softly, his hands caressing Bucky’s thighs a sweet comforting way that caused his eyes to flutter. “Together...”

His lips were smothered again before he could answer, his metal fingers now buried in Steve’s hair, moaning into it as he felt him slowly slide into him and hold himself there. At that moment he felt the love and warmth so strongly, and the empty void never felt further away from his mind.

They made love softly, slowly, taking their time. And Bucky felt every bit of it, every touch, every caress. Every slow, deep thrust inside him. Everything enhanced, lighting him up inside. He moaned love and praise, fingers digging into Steve’s back, gripping his hair. He forgot what day it was, forgot what he was going to do later. Forgot everything in the intense pleasure he felt. It was just perfect.

And always it increased in tempo and intensity, the thrusts deeper, harder until his body was being lifted off the bed from the force of them. And Bucky met each one with one of his own, feeling Steve sit up on his knees a little more and pull hips harder against him before bracing him again and giving him everything until Bucky’s eyes were rolling and his fingers, including the metal one were digging into Steve’s back, leaving scratches. Marking him as well.

It was so intense that he disappeared into that beautiful haze again, a soft, peaceful place that was far from everything dark and foreboding. A place where he felt completely safe. Where he could still feel Steve’s arms around him, his body next to his. Where he dozed peacefully for a little while, snuggled up in his arms for an early afternoon nap.

\--

Steve lay there holding Bucky in his arms, letting his fingers rest softly in his hair, stroking it as he rested. It was messy, tossled, some of it covering his face, which was pressed into Steve’s shoulder. He just kept touching him in his sleep like this, continuing to comfort him in this way. And just kept gazing at him. He was beautiful when he slept like this. Peaceful and almost innocent. Like he’d never been touched by rough hands and broken again and again.

The fact that he had had made Steve fiercely protective of him. Even though he knew Bucky was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. That he didn’t always need protection. But it didn’t stop him from feeling that way just the same.

He thought about what Bucky had said earlier. The depression he’d finally admitted to having sometimes. Steve had known that actual Depression wasn’t really sadness but a feeling of emptiness. It was a lack of feeling and Bucky had said it was worse than being in pain. And Steve had born witness to this on his bad days, when he simply didn’t want to get out of bed and would just lay there curled up with Arya, barely eating anything at all. Not reacting to touch or anything. It was always painful to see.

He knew that along with the sometimes crippling anxiety, that this depression was a part of his PTSD as well. A normal part of it. He had been learned the symptoms from a variety of sources, not just Sam, from his own therapist, and his group at the VA.

And from Bucky too, who was well versed in his own illness as well. Because as he’d told Steve, knowing was half the battle.

“The more I learn the more control I have over it.” He’d told Steve once over breakfast. “If I know what these things are I can fight them better right?”

He’d remembered taking his hand, thinking how strong he was, dealing with all these things and taking steps to help himself. Such as merging his mind back together like he had. Pulling the halves together to make a stronger whole and that whole person was now fighting this internal battle with himself.

Steve could still see the Winter Soldier in his eyes sometimes. A lot actually. In his stubbornness and determination. And that part had also calmed him, kept their fights from getting too intense and kept Bucky level when he got unbalanced. It was a strange dynamic for sure, Bucky’s mind worked in some very unique ways that his doctors were still figuring out with some wonder as well.

Steve himself had always accepted it. Accepted every complicated thing about Bucky because he loved him that much. Like the sometimes strange things he’d paint when he was troubled. Such as the red and the black painting that was sitting on the easel on the table.

He was still thinking about that admission earlier. Remembering when Bucky, or more precisely, the Winter Soldier, told him that horrible story of the room with the blinking lights. When he’d told him that after he’d killed that horrible man who had raped and tortured him to the point of madness. How after he’d avenged himself, he’d felt that emptiness and it seemed to have terrified him. The darkness that had overtaken him from then on in and Steve knew that this still terrified him even now.

And here they were, on an anniversary that was rough for him, about to go see someone who had hurt him. And as much as Steve hadn’t wanted him to do it, he understood he had to. He had to confront this particular demon so he could let it go. So he could finally get past the incident that occurred this city, behind him as well.

So he could face the rest of this with less burdening him.

He then felt Bucky stir slightly in his arms, rubbing his face against Steve’s shoulder before lifting his head and smiling sleepily at him. “What time is it?” He asked in a fuzzy voice, his eyes half open. “Are we late?”

Steve brushed some of his hair out of his face and kissed his head. “Welcome back.” He said against his forehead. “And we’re not late.” His other hand rubbed his back softly. “We can go whenever you’re ready.”

Bucky nodded and buried his face in Steve’s neck and inhaled deeply. “Then I’m not ready yet.” He whispered, snuggling against him a little more under the covers. “Does that make me a coward?”

“No..” Steve reassured him, wrapping him up in his arms a little more. “You are far from a coward Buck.”

The room still seemed dark even though it was mid-day, the light blocker curtains keeping most of the brightness out. Steve could feel Arya snuggled up at their feet and he could almost imagine they weren’t in some hotel on another continent, and simply in their cozy home.

“I don’t wanna go.” He heard Bucky say against his neck. “I wanna stay right here.” Steve could feel that metal arm tightening around him, bizarrely warmer than it should be. “But I know I have to.. that I can’t put it off. But it still sucks.”

Steve rested his chin on Bucky’s head and just continued to hold him like that. “I know it does.” He told him. “But there’s no hurry.”

He heard Bucky sigh again and felt him bury his face against him. “Good.”

Eventually they did get out of bed though. Steve once again watching and admiring Bucky as he pulled his clothes back on, seeing the sweet marks of love and passion he’d left on him in varying places. Feeling pride in this as Bucky pulled his undershirt on, covering his gorgeous body which Steve couldn’t help but lament a little. The shirt, like the jeans, clung to him beautifully though, fitted perfectly.

Thinking once again about how he’d kissed every part of that body earlier, recalling how his skin tasted. Among other things.

“You know I can feel you staring at me punk.”

“Am I that obvious?” Steve asked, amused as he pulled his own shirt on.

“Subtlety has never been your style Rogers.” Bucky sassed as he pulled his hair back in a loose ponytail. “It’s why you always sucked at poker.”

“Yeah you were always better than me at that I guess.” He agreed, grabbing his jacket off the chair. “A much better bullshitter.”

Bucky seemed to smile as he pulled his dark red sweater on and pulled his tags out of it almost absently. It was a good look for him really. A little rough around the edges with the soft look of the loose hair around his teal blue eyes. No menace at all, just inner strength that clearly showed, even if he was nervous at the same time. And that color was just great on him.

“You just always wore your emotions on your sleeve Steve.” Bucky reminded him, walking over and reaching up to cup Steve’s face with his hands. “You care too much to bullshit..” He then kissed his head the way Steve always did for him. “And that’s one of the many things I love about you punk.”

There was just something in those words and the way he said them that made Steve feel very emotional. Made him want to crawl into Bucky’s arms this time. Because he’d always understood and loved him better than anyone. He’d been first besides his mom, to see beyond the ornery façade and see him for his true self and there was just something beautiful in that complete acceptance.

“God I love you.” He said with his emotions laid completely bare to him. “I mean I really… really love you.”

“I know punk.” Bucky said softly, his hands sliding over Steve’s arms. “And I love you too.” He laid his head against Steve’s as they stood there together. “That’s what’s been getting me through this.”

Steve couldn’t help but kiss him then, just one more before they left. He felt Bucky’s hand slide around his neck, could feel the ring on his finger, a symbol of their union and pulled him closer, cherishing the moment as always.

Because after everything they’d been through, every moment of peace they had meant so much to them.

“We should go.” Bucky said finally, pulling back with that slightly dazed look he always had after being kissed thoroughly. “I think I’ve put this off long enough..”

Steve smiled and put Bucky’s knit hat over his head rubbed his nose softly against his. “Just remember I’ll be there the whole time.” He reassured him, grabbing his hand. “I won’t be far.”

“I know.” Bucky replied, smiling himself. “I wouldn’t expect any less punk.”

Giving Arya some love, they finally left the room, hands firmly clasp the whole way to car. Supplying comfort and reassurance the whole way there.

\--

There was a two-way mirror in the room where he was set up to meet him, and Bucky was pretty damn sure Steve and Sharon were on the other side of it, blocked from view by the reflection. He took some comfort in this knowledge, knowing he wasn’t really alone in this situation. There was no way in hell they would’ve allowed it otherwise due to, well, circumstances.

It wasn’t all for his comfort. It was precautionary considering the last time he was alone in a room with Zemo.

The opposite side of this knowledge that, even though it was documented that his programming had been removed, they still didn’t trust him completely not bonk out with his mental history and all. And even though a small part of him was irritated at this, he understood it perfectly. If he was them, he wouldn’t fully trust him either. So he grappled with these warring feelings while he waited.

Remembering what Steve said shortly before leaving him alone. “Just remember, no matter what he says to you.. that’s not who are anymore.”

It was something he sometimes had to remind himself on his worst days. That he wasn’t the monster he was sometimes still painted as by some even now. He’d learned to accept that he couldn’t change people’s minds and all he could was live and make himself better. He had learned to concentrate on the things he could change and let the other things go. But some days were much harder than others. Like today.

_Mission Report December 16, 1991_

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the door opening and willed himself steady. Calming the shaking in his hand as best he could. He finally opened his eyes and stared at the man that was sat down at the table across from him.

He looked exactly the way Bucky had remembered him. Unassuming. Non-threatening but he knew better on that. As did the guards, who had him chained with arm and leg shackles. Bucky willed himself to look at him, meeting those eyes he hadn’t seen in over 4 years.

“It’s nice to see you again Sergeant Barnes.” Zemo said in that familiar voice. “Or should I call you Bucky?”

“No you can’t.” He answered keeping his voice even. “Only my friends can call me that.. and you’re not my friend.”

“After all this time you’re still angry.” Zemo mused, not even slightly put off by this. “Understandable I suppose.” He leaned forward a little, holding the gaze. “Interesting how you’re not locked up right next to me. That old ‘mental defect’ thingI gather.” He gave a slight smile. “How is that going anyways?”

Bucky was not interested in sharing any of that information with him. He knew better. He wasn’t going to give him any extra information that could be used to twist him up. He didn’t need to be told that. He learned that lesson over the years. Experience was a brutal teacher, but you definitely learned from it.

“You don’t get to ask questions.” Bucky snapped a little at him, not really caring about letting his irriation show now. “You got that?”

“You’re the boss.” Zemo answered nonchalantly. “So why don’t you just ask me what you want to know?”

He once again remembered the feeling of being trapped in that damn contraption they’d put him in. Hearing this man question him, thinking he was just another run of the mill shrink but then seeing that book. The one that was somewhere in this damn building. Remembering the words starting to come out of his mouth, and feeling the inevitable change starting. And he could do nothing to stop it. Nothing to control the horror that would shortly come. It had felt like being tied down and assaulted. Like being raped. His hand shook on the table and he was pretty sure the man across from it was well aware of it. That bastard saw everything.

“That must be rough.” He asked in that same insufferable tone. “I’ve heard PTSD can be quite a terrible thing.” He tilted his head, giving him an appraising look. “So unfortunate for you.”

Bucky glared at him and felt the Winter Soldier’s presence calming him. Not that he was fan of this guy either. But he kept him level just the same. “Don’t pretend to give a damn asshole.” He growled lowly. “You used me just like they did.. so tell me why..”

Zemo seemed to contemplate the question for a moment and then answered. “It was nothing personal really.” He explained, tapping his hand on the table. “You were the best available option after Colonel Kapov refused to give me what I wanted.” He saw the pinched look on Bucky’s face at the mention of that name. “You remember him don’t you?”

He did. Very clearly. The man that had given him the order to kill Howard Stark, and any witnesses as well. Who had put him in-between himself and other enhanced soldier’s they’d created using the serums he’d killed Tony’s parents for. Who had made it perfectly clear that the Winter Soldier was expendable now that they existed. That he was supposed to sacrifice himself if necessary. He felt the recognition in the Soldier as well. The undercurrent of red-colored anger that existed in both sides of his mind. His hands gripped the table for a moment remembering this.

“You’ll be happy to know he’s no longer with us.” Zemo continued to inform him. “Because he had no further use to me.”

The tone, like he did him a favor or something was irritating to Bucky on a high level. The fact that he wasn’t going to grieve for that shithead any more than any of the others didn’t change anything at all for him.

“You expect me to thank you for that?” He asked the other man. “Don’t hold your breath.”

“Of course not.” Zemo sated, once again not fazed by Bucky’s tone. “Just thought you wanted to know it could’ve been avoided had he just given me what I wanted but I guess he screwed you over again.”

Something in his tone almost sounded like he was amused now and that just sent Bucky’s hackles up even more. “Is this funny to you?” He asked him angrily. “Killing all those people just for information?”

“Not at all.” Zemo told him, keeping his gaze as if reading him. “You and I both have seen a lot of death and none of it is funny.” He seemed to get serious then, even slightly contemplative. “I lost my family due to the actions of your friends and current spouse and find none of that funny at all. After that, not much else matters except avenging them.”

Bucky already knew the story, had been in the room in Siberia after all. And heard the rest second hand. Knew that it wasn’t that simple, but he supposed it was hard to explain that to someone who’d lost everything. He didn’t have to go far into his own memory to remember Steve’s attempts to reason with Tony. There was small part of him that actually felt for this guy but the rest of him was reminded of what he’d done as a result. He couldn’t forgive that anymore than he could forgive the ones that hurt him. They all had their reasons to justify their actions. It didn’t excuse them and never would.

“You think that justified what you did?” He asked angrily, fighting the mad urge to reach over the table and grab this man by the neck and squeeze. “All the death and suffering you caused people?”

“You seemed to forget you caused some of that too.” He was reminded, almost smugly. “There’s a lot of blood on your hands too. That’s never going away.” He sat back a little, keeping eye contact.

That urge to grab him was stronger now. The red was in his mind, very close to the surface. Thinking of the different ways he could stop his breath right there. It took everything he had not to. Because the statement did cut him hard. Like that letter he’d gotten from and anonymous source.. _You killed my_ _son_.. Whose son? He’d killed so many he wasn’t sure. 

_And you want to kill this one.._ the voice of the Soldier said. _We both do.. but we can’t.. we don’t do that anymore._

“Yeah I did.” He admitted, his voice shaky. “But if I had a choice I would’ve never have done it.” He glared at him steadily. “That’s the difference between you and me.”

“Yes maybe it is.” Zemo mused. “But the other difference is that I’m not angry like you.. I can see it in your eyes even after all this time.. that anger, that fear of it getting out of control.” He leaned forward a little more. “It burns below the surface. Because right now you’re thinking about all the ways you would kill me if you could aren’t you?”

He hated that this asshole could see that, but he wasn’t going to bother to deny it either. “Yeah I am..” He confessed, leaning forward himself. “You should die.. and I’d love to do it.”

“Then why don’t you?” He was asked. “It’s not like anyone could stop you because I’ve seen what you can do if.. properly motivated.”

Bucky actually thought about it, tried to figure out how he was containing himself in spite of the deep anger inside him. The wildfire that raged under his skin, the one he could barely control. It would feel so good to just let it go. To destroy this remaining remnant of his past. But he knew what would follow. Just like the last time he killed in anger. The black, the emptiness. It would cost him everything really. Everything he’d fought so hard for.

“No.” He said, sitting back in the chair. “Because you’re not worth it.”

“You will always want to though.” Zemo observed, seeming somewhat impressed by his restraint. “After everything that was done to you.. all that you lost.. you’ll always feel that need.”

“That’s where you’re wrong asshole.” Bucky said, pushing back that dangerous anger as best he could. “I am satisfied.. because unlike you I get to go home to the person I love.. and that’s all I need to live.”

“Well I do envy that.” Zemo said and almost sounded sincere. “But I wonder how long you can contain that rage Sergeant Barnes? How long until it consumes you again? Until you have a need that Captain Rogers can’t fufill? What then?”

He just sat there for a moment, contemplating the answer to that. And the answer was, there was no answer. The fact that Zemo was right and it would always be there didn’t irritate him as much as it made him despair a little. He knew no amount of painting and destroying punching bags would make this go away and it scared him. But he knew what he had to do. What he’d always done and would keep doing. He had too much to lose not to.

“I’ll just keep fighting.” He told him, getting up from the chair. “I’m used to that.”

“I do wish you luck with that.” The other man said as Bucky walked over to the glass to signal he was done in here. And then he added. “I do like your new arm by the way. That happened in Siberia didn’t it?” He tilted his head as Bucky turned back to him. “Stark didn’t take the news well did he?”

The memory of that flashed in his head as well. Seeing the look on Tony’s face just as he himself was realizing what that tape showed. All the chaos that followed it. Nearly dying as a result and thinking he deserved to die at that point. That the person who was trying to kill him had every right to want to. Had felt that same horrible pain and rage Bucky himself felt sitting here. And of the shock and searing pain of the arm being blown off, all the exposed wires, attached to nerves sending pain signals to his brain that took all the strength out of him. The memory was so strong he had to lean against the mirror to hold himself up.

“How is that working considering your spouse works with him?” He heard him ask. “Or is that why you’re here this day of all days?”

“You don’t’ get to ask about that.” He said, his anger just barely under control. “Not after what you did.”

“But it’s what you did that caused that wasn’t it?” He was asked. “I just showed him the truth that was all.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, metal fingers curling into a fist that he could barely control, but somehow did. The sad part was there was some truth in what he said. And as much as Tony had forgiven for him for it, Bucky still had yet to forgive himself and the man in the room with him damn well knew that.

But he’d gotten his answer just the same. He at least understood his place in all this. Having been once against used as a pawn for an agenda. It didn’t make him feel much better but at least it wan an answer.

“I got what I needed.” He said, his voice barely contained. “I’m done in here.”

He knocked on the mirror and not long after the door opened, and the guards came in to take the prisoner away. But before he left he had one more thing to say it seemed.

“It was good to see you Sergeant.” He head him say as he left. “I hope things work out for you.”

Bucky never turned, just stood there with his hands on the mirror, staring into it for several minutes. Looking into his own eyes. Seeing the anger there, the redness in his mind that if he wasn’t careful could lead to the blackness like it had that time in the torture room. When he’d lost his mind for good and gave into it. He was back in that dark hole, thinking of that moment yet again. Reminded of the mirror they’d had in the room where they’d kept him after. Seeing himself covered in blood and feeling nothing at all. A part of him thinking maybe they were on the other side still watching him now.

He was so lost in this memory that he didn’t hear the door open. Didn’t hear anyone speaking. Wasn’t even aware of anything until he felt a hand touch his shoulder. In his heightened state he jerked away and swung blindly at whoever had touched him with his metal arm, only to have it stopped easily.

“It’s okay Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice, seeing his face come into focus. “It’s just me.”

He didn’t speak, just sort of looked at Steve’s hand, holding his metal arm firmly in his. He stared at the way it flexed under his grip and was scared again. If Steve wasn’t as quick as he was, he would’ve been put through the wall. It terrified him to think of hurting him again. How capable he still was of doing it. He stood there and shook for a moment longer, trying to will it down.

Then he felt Steve’s other hand in his hair, stroking it softly. “It’s okay.” Steve repeated. “You’re okay.”

“You shouldn’t touch me right now.” He said in a shaky voice. “I’m not safe.”

Steve shook his head and picked up the metal arm that he was holding, putting the fingers to his lips and kissing them softly. “I’m not afraid of you.” He whispered, holding those fingers to his lips. “You’re not gonna hurt me.”

“But I could.” He argued, his eyes still locked on his hand, still pressed to Steve’s lips. “I’m so angry and I don’t know if I can control it.”

Steve didn’t answer, just wrapped Bucky’s shaking body in his arms. He pressed his face into one of those broad shoulders, letting his arms wrap loosely around his shoulders. He peered over that shoulder at the wall behind Steve. Through it, feeling so scared at that moment that he had to just shut himself down emotionally. But he still let Steve hold him just the same.

“I’m here.” He heard Steve whisper into his hair. “I got you.”

Bucky just nodded and closed his eyes, just letting himself be held until his body stopped shaking. Which took a while.

\--

Steve had watched the whole thing through the glass with Sharon and had to fight the urge to put an end to this. To go in there and punch that smug son of bitch out. Remembering all the damage he’d caused. The people he’d killed and what it had cost both Tony and Bucky to have to stand there and watched that torturous tape.

Sharon had actually stopped him at one point, when he saw how back Bucky’s hand was shaking. And when he asked about Siberia and Bucky’s arm. The pain and anger in Bucky’s eyes as he’d leaned against the glass had made Steve want to bust right through and kill that bastard. It was so hard to watch.

“Steve you gotta let him finish.” She’d told him, her hand on his chest to stop him. “He can handle this.”

“The hell he can.” He’d protested. “That asshole is trying to provoke him.”

“He didn’t do anything though did he?”

She had been right, he hadn’t. But Steve could see in his eyes he’d wanted to. Could see that anger. That burn he’d talk about. But he was controlling it, whether he wanted to or not. So he relented and let Bucky do this himself until he was done.

But the way he’d reacted when he’d first touched him. Like he didn’t hear him coming. And the fear and anger in his eyes as he whirled and swung his arm, reminded him of some of his worst days. Of his involuntary reaction to be being touched after a flashback. It was the same look, like he didn’t recognize him at first. And all he wanted to do was get him out of there away from Zemo and all of this. So once he could get him steady again they had left. Sharon told him they’d keep in touch about what happened and another thing they’d discussed as well. Something he didn’t mention to Bucky just yet.

For now, he just needed to get him clear, taking him back to the hotel so they could do their late check-out and get on the plane. To get him far away from this as he could. Even though he knew the procedures done in Wakonda would be its own kind of unpleasantness by the time it was done they would be a few days closer to going home.

Bucky had been relatively quiet on the way back and when he’d sat him down on the bed, Arya immediately hopped into his lap and started purring. Bucky looped his metal around her behind and supported her so she could sit on it and rub her face against his neck. Her little paws were on each of his shoulders as if she was hugging him and maybe she was. Sensing her dark-haired needed her at the moment. Steve was starting just smart and intuitive cats really were sometimes.

“I should help you pack.” Bucky said a bit later, looking up as Steve put their stuff in the suitcases. “You shouldn’t have to do it yourself.”

Steve turned and put his hand on Bucky’s knee. “I don’t mind.” He told him, looking into his eyes. “You’ve had a rough day.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m useless.” Bucky insisted, shifting Arya on his arm a bit.

“You’re not useless.” Steve told him, looking up at him again. “Just let me do it okay?”

Bucky seemed to give up his protest for now, sitting there on the bed with the cat in his arms and Steve finished up as much as he could. Finally getting to Bucky’s new travel easel. The painting on it made up of reds and blacks. It was making more sense now. The colors were symbolic he realized. Emotions.

“The red is the anger.” He heard Bucky say behind him. “The black is what comes after.” Steve turned to look at him, seeing that familiar trauma stare. “And they both scare the hell out of me.”

Steve crouched in front of him, putting his hands on his legs, rubbing them softly. “You wanna talk about it?” He offered, hoping he would. “We can if you want.”

Bucky bit his lip, the hand not holding Arya reaching out to touch Steve’s face. He seemed to be weighing his options, debating whether he wanted to open that door right now. He saw his eyes shift and had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to. Not yet. Everything thing was still too raw right now, still too close to the surface.

“I wish I could I just.. can’t.” He finally said, letting his head rest against Steve’s. “I’m sorry.”

Steve nodded, expecting this answer. It had been his thing lately, opening up a little and then shutting the door. Getting him to just admit things had been difficult. And today he’d a least admitted to the depression and the fear, but he wouldn’t go any further. Wouldn’t or couldn’t. And he simply couldn’t’ be pushed. It would come in its own time.

“Alright.” He told him, getting up. “How about we finally get out of here then?”

“Sure but if you’re not gonna let me pack can I at least carry a few things?” Bucky asked, getting up himself with Arya still sitting on his arm. “My head may be a fucking mess but there’s nothing wrong with my body.”

Steve raised and eyebrow, unable to resist that. “There certainly isn’t.” He observed, giving Bucky an appreciative look.

“Get your mind out of the gutter punk.” Bucky teased him back, rolling his eyes. “You know what I meant.”

“I make no apologies Sergeant Barnes.” Steve retorted as he leaned over to speak low in his ear. “It’s not my fault you’re so goddamn sexy it scrambles my brain sometimes.”

The saucy smile Bucky gave him was well worth it. He’d wanted to cheer him up and he’d succeeded he could see because he then leaned over himself and brushed his lips over Steve’s playfully. He then stuck his hand in Steve’s back pocket and squeezed his ass teasingly, his blue eyes hooded.

“Well I can’t help that either Captain Rogers.” He purred to him. “You’re just gonna have to learn some self-control.”

Steve had to fight the urge to put him back in bed and just ravish him right then and there. It amazed him how quickly they could go from the painful stuff to this, but he supposed it was a defense mechanism in a sense. A necessary thing that allowed them both to cope. Especially Bucky, who just wanted to feel normal. To feel like he wasn’t broken. And that was okay he supposed. He would talk eventually. Until then they dealt with it the only way they could.

So he gripped Bucky’s loose ponytail and kissed him, unable to resist at least doing that. And after a full minute of that nonsense, Arya simply placed both her paws on each of her Daddy’s faces as if to say enough with that and meowed loudly. Which caused both of them to laugh and nuzzle her face as well.

“Guess she’s ready to go.” Steve chuckled as they gathered their bags. “The Queen has spoken.”

In the car on the way to airport, Steve felt Bucky grab his hand with his metal one and looked over at him so see a gorgeous smile on his face. There was some pain behind it he could see, knowing that Bucky was a pro at putting on a brave face. But there was happiness in it too.

“It wasn’t all bad here.” He told Steve, squeezing his hand. “The ice-skating was fun..”

“Yeah it was.” He agreed, remembering that in his head. He’d taken a few pictures of that when he’d had time. Wanting that memory saved. “I do have some good ideas.”

“Yeah you do sometimes.” Bucky said sassily. “The paint kit was a good one too.. you’re definitely on a roll punk.”

“Don’t worry I’m sure I’ll screw something up and annoy you.” Steve told him, chuckling. “I always do.”

“Probably.” Bucky agreed and pulled Steve’s hand to his lips as they stopped at a light. “But you happen to be very talented in bed so I always forgive you.” He winked at him teasingly. “I’m easy like that.”

Steve laughed at that, wishing he could kiss him again right then there because he just looked so freaking adorable, yet so deliciously hot at the same time it was maddening. Just part of the complicate package that was his husband and the love of his life.

“You’re a lot of things jerk.” He informed him. “But easy isn’t one of them.”

“I am for you punk.” Bucky shot back. “I have a weakness for sexy blonde idiots.” He then laid his head on the headrest and looked at him lovingly. “One of my few flaws.”

Bucky had always used the term idiot in such an endearing way, there was so much love in his voice when he said it that no one could mistake it for an insult. The same way he said the word punk as well. Steve loved it, loved him and how he just kept going, kept some of those old habits in spite of everything life had thrown at him.

“I love you.” He said suddenly, just needing to say it again. And would keep saying it all the time. “Just saying.”

He saw Bucky bite his lip in that cute way of his and he really wanted to kiss him then. “I love you too punk.” He replied, his blue eyes catching the light beautifully. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“I’ll never stop reminding you. “ He told him, pulling into the garage for the rentals. “Right up until my dying breath.”

Bucky unbuckled his seatbelt and just leaned over, kissing him in response to that. A statement Steve meant with all his heart. He’d never stop telling him that. Ever. He ran his hand through that gorgeous brown hair of his and kissed him stupid right there in the car as Arya sat there cleaning her paw and waiting for them to get done.

But they just took their time, letting the windows fog up as they made out sweetly right there in the airport garage. Another thing he’d never get enough of. Kissing those lips.

When they were on the plane later, Bucky laid his head on Steve’s shoulder and seemed to drift off as flew away from Germany and its memories, some bad ones, but some good ones too. Knowing that this next part wasn’t going much easier. But they were doing it all together now, and that was what mattered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so story notes..
> 
> Part of this is dealing with depression, which another thing that happens with PTSD and a lot of people have this notion of depression that's about being sad when it's really more than that. It's feeling of emptiness and lethargy is actually a diagnosed mental illness. But it is a part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well and it was hinted in the previous fic as well that Bucky never wanted to call these episodes 'depression' even though that is exactly what it is. And one can understand with all the issues he gets from his illness why he would be resistant to admitting it. But like anything with Bucky these come around and he does eventually talk. In chapter he's opening up a little at a time but its still a work in progress. 
> 
> The Zemo thing is interesting to me in light of the new show The Falcon and the Winter Soldier in which Zemo is going to appear and i do hope they give Bucky a chance at confronting him too, because he's the only whose really left to do so. And Bucky has been allowed to have the autonomy to truly confront anyone that's hurt or used him so I hope he gets that chance. In this fic he does get that chance and it is in many ways cathartic but it but it does mess with him a bit as you can see. 
> 
> The concept of red and black as representative colors is hardly new, a lot of colors represent certain emotions and in Bucky's mind those colors are frightening in their connatations for him. I was reminded of Morgan from TWD (who suffered from PTSD) telling Rick that all he can see is 'red' and I thought of that as that scary rage people who've been hurt excessively feel inside. So I thought i'd use along with the black. 
> 
> I like the idea that they can go from the angst into the flirting behavior the way they do. Sort of a defense mechanism because frankly you can't sit in it forever. And it is sort of their way to be honest. They've developed this sort of routine for themselves, they understand each other exceptionally well and sort of accepted and embraced some of the dysfunctional aspects of their relationship as well, which I do think is necessary for relationships to last and even be healthy so I do like the way the dynamic has evolved now that they've been living together and married for a while. 
> 
> The next chapter I don't have a working title for but it will involve the arm work Bucky is getting done in Wakond a the way that affects him too. Other than that I don't have a lot of details except some other characters will show up :)
> 
> As always thank you for any notes you left and I'm trying to get beck to them I swear.. it's been a bit nuts around the holidays lol <3<3


	4. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr page of the same name

He still didn’t like hospitals even after all this time. Probably never would. There were too many bad memories associated with them for him to ever be comfortable in one. And they weren’t all just related to Hydra either.

The psychiatric hospital he’d been in a few years back had done damage too, it had opened up the older wounds and had made them worse. That was affecting him now in a big way as he sat on the hospital bed in Wakonda the night before his arm was to be worked on. He was already on edge after his trip to Germany, among other things, and now he just couldn’t calm himself just yet, needing Steve’s arm around him as Shuri filled them in what they would be doing specifically. All the old anxiety had returned in force, making him unable to relax.

Bucky had only recently started opening up about this in therapy. Telling Amelia as much as he could handle about his experiences with doctors prior to her and Pam. It had been rough to put it mildly.

He remembered Amelia having been sympathetic and eve a bit angry at what he’d told her. That she had told him that was no way to handle a patient in trauma ant they may have set his recovery back years as a result. She, along with Pam and Bucky’s neurologist had lodged a formal complaint about it to the medical review board that was still pending.

Bucky had been shocked that his doctors would go to such effort for him and Amelia’s explained why this was important. “A doctor’s oath is to first do no harm, and these people did harm to you when they were ‘supposed’ to be helping you.” She’d told him. “That’s why it’s important. You deserve to be treated better than you were.”

She had also told him once that Zola wasn’t a true doctor or even a scientist, but a terrible person with the guise of the word ‘doctor’ applied to his name. Bucky had remembered hearing this and starting to feel even safer with his current doctors, who had only helped him and not hurt him. And he was grateful for that. His trust in the profession was being restored slowly but surely as a result. And that had helped him get better over the last couple of years.

But there were times like this too.

He trusted Shuri and the medical team here too, they had after all, fixed him up after the Siberia fiasco, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was the necessary restraints that were needed.

“We are dealing with nerves and if we hit one the wrong way your body respond involuntarily.” She explained carefully. “That could cause some damage, or even worse, wake you up which I don’t have tell you wouldn’t be a good thing.” She had to show him the restraints used. “It’s for you’re well-being not ours I promise.”

Bucky had nodded, understanding what she meant but it still frightened him to be tied down even now. And he knew Steve could sense that too, his hand ran over Bucky’s back soothingly as they sat there.

“It’s alright Buck.” Steve whispered in his ear. “You’ll be asleep for most of it.” His hand pressed comfortingly against Bucky’s back. “And I won’t be far away.”

“I know.. .I get it..” He said in a shaky voice. “It’s just.. you know..”

He knew Steve knew why he didn’t like restraints. That they’d been used on him when he was being tortured and abused. But he hadn’t mentioned that psych hospital had used them as well. He hadn’t talked to him much about that at all. He’d only talked about in therapy so far. It wasn’t the only thing he didn’t talk to him about, but it was the most glaring, long-standing omission.

_“We can’t help you unless you talk to us Sergeant Barnes.” The doctor had said, with his little clipboard in his hand. ‘That’s why you’re here.” _

_It was bullshit and Bucky knew it. He wasn’t here to be helped, they were simply stashing him and gathering information on Hydra and the things he’d done as the Winter Soldier. It was all they really cared about. And Bucky could clearly see at least one of his notebooks, his private notebooks, on the table. _

_“That’s mine.” He’d said angrily to the doctor, whose name he hadn’t bothered to learn. _

_“It’s evidence.” The doctor had told him in an annoyingly smug way. “It belongs to the government now.” _

_“It’s mine!” He snapped even angrier now. “And it’s private!”_

It had gotten worse because the doctor saw that it had upset him and figured he’d use that to undo him, but Bucky was not about to allow that to happen, and he’d gotten increasingly more agitated the more questions he’d been asked. Which had resulted in a couple of very large orderlies holding him down to sedate him. They had been brought in specifically for him because of his reputation. Bucky would’ve laughed if hadn’t been so pissed and stressed out about this because he could’ve taken these guys easily. All brawn no brain. But he just didn’t try that hard.

He’d made a vow not to hurt or kill anyone if he didn’t have to. So he let them sedate him.

And once he’d woken up from that he’d been strapped onto his bed very tightly, to the point where the strap had left marks on his right arm and chest. A memory had come to his head, a vague one of being strapped down and terrible pain in parts of his body he couldn’t bring himself to think about. He didn’t know what it was at the time, hadn’t truly recalled that memory clearly enough, but a part of him in his subconscious, that part that he thought now was the Winter Soldier, had remembered it very well and he’d started screaming and struggling every time. And was sedated over and over again.

This was such a constant thing for him there that he had regular deep bruising on his arm and chest, as well as track marks in his arm that brought memories of other means of torture as well.

And although he’d done his best to keep these marks covered up, when Steve had finally been able to come to see him, he’d seen them to some degree. Because the sleeves simply weren’t long enough to cover it all. And it was hard to miss the bleariness and exhaustion in his eyes or aversion to being touched at all. That he had backtracked since he’d been forcibly taken here.

Steve had asked him and he had lied, saying it was from falls, even though you didn’t get track marks from that. And he still he still hadn’t told him the whole truth yet.

It had only been when he’d recovered his memories of torture and abuse at the hands of his Hydra captors did it come clear to him just how much this had set him back in his recover. And how even the idea of restraints and being tied down was still traumatic to him.

The revelation of this was what had upset Amelia so much because she understood what it had done to his still healing psyche.

“I promise it will as painless as possible and they will not stay on after we finish.” Shuri had assured him. “It’s only during the procedures.”

Bucky had nodded in quite acceptance of this, knowing he had little choice. There had been some irritation in his arm lately that could cause an infection unless it was fixed up. Pam had conferred with Shuri via conference call and cleared it for him. It had to be done.

Didn’t mean he had to like it though. After the week, hell the last month he’d had so far it was just a hit to his nerves.

Once they were alone, Steve had turned to him and put his hands on his face, looking him deep in the eyes. “Are you okay?” He asked, his voice soft and calming. “Tell me the truth.”

“No..” He admitted, lifting his own arms and resting his hands on Steve’s forearms like he usually did. “I’m not.. I just got a lot of stuff in my head right now I wish I didn’t.”

“Then how you should let some of it out.” Steve suggested, smoothing Buck’s hair with his hands gently. Comfortingly. “Just talk to me okay?”

He was still shaking a little, his anxiety acting up even more at the idea of talking about this. It had been doing that a lot lately. When he wasn’t having that stupid depression. It had been this way since.. well Thanksgiving weekend, when.. well he didn’t let himself think of that too much. The thing that really set this in motion. Something else he hadn’t told Steve about. He put it out of his head yet again, even though it kept creeping in sometimes along with that scary darkness. It never occurred to him to think it might be related.

“You really have to talk to Steve about that.” Sam had told him once over lunch. “Because you can’t keep acting like it’s not affecting you.”

Bucky had remembered giving Sam a sour look that he hoped masked the twinge of panic at that idea. Sam knew about it, but Steve didn’t. For a reason. And Bucky was not ready to talk about it that particular incident, which had occurred 2 weeks before his anxiety attack at the compound.

“It’s not affecting me Sam.” He’d said, trying to brush it off. “I’m fine.”

“Are you?” Sam asked him at that point. “Cause it sounds like you’re repressing things again and that’s not good.” He gave Bucky concerned. “At least talk to Amelia.”

Bucky sighed. “I will if it’ll shut you up.”

He had repressed it though if he was honest. Barely acknowledging it in his own head for weeks until he’d finally confessed to Amelia, almost off-handedly. And immediately shut any attempt to delve into his feelings about it and its relation to his recent setbacks. It was a heavy-duty denial on his part he knew, and he pushed it away yet again. There were far more pressing issues right now.

The few moments of peace he got from all of this had been blessings lately, but this wasn’t one of those moments. He tried to focus his vision on Steve. To focus his whole mind on him. On being safe enough to talk. That he could, if he could just get himself under some measure of control ong enough to do it.

Bucky took a deep calming breath, practicing some methods Amelia had taught him and did his best to focus on Steve’s face rather than letting his eyes dart around nervously. It took several minutes to get calm enough to start talking but he finally did. Knowing it was better to get some of this out rather than holding it in like he had lately. Finally letting himself open up a little more.

“I just.. I remember when I was.. uncooperative and they’d…put me restraints.. at the hospital. “ He told Steve, his fingers gripping Steve’s shirt-sleeves tightly. “I didn’t know.. why at the time that it… scared me so much.. why I screamed and struggled so much.. I couldn’t remember clearly yet..” He looked up at Steve’s sympathetic eyes with his own haunted ones. “I’d pull so hard that it would cut into my arm… like it did before..”

He felt Steve brush his hair comfortingly, just holding his face and letting him talk, not interrupting him as he pulled that pain out of him. The memory of how the leather restraints his tormentor had used had cut into his arms as he tortured him with the electrical rod. Remembered the pain he’d put him through with that thing. And the other things he’d done as well. Things Steve had already known about to some degree. Physical, psychological, mental and even sexual torture had been used, and he’d been restrained in many different ways in the midst of it.

The Winter Soldier had known, had remembered. Had panicked inside Bucky’s head and told him they were going to hurt them again and Bucky had just, well reacted. But the doctors hadn’t even tried to understand it, their solution was to continue what they were doing. And making it far worse.

“They didn’t try to figure it out.” He said to Steve, with a little bitterness in his voice now. “They just tightened the restraints and gave me more drugs.. and I just.. pulled in on myself again…felt that dark all around me again like before..”

Steve pulled his head to his lips and kissed it gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you out of there sooner Buck.” He heard him say against his forehead, hearing emotion in his voice. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault Steve.” Bucky said adamantly, gripping Steve’s shirt a little tighter. “I’m the one that went with them remember?”

“Yeah after they manipulated you.” Steve countered just adamantly. “If I’d been around it wouldn’t have happened.” He held Bucky’s face a little tighter. “They would’ve had to have through me to get to you.”

Bucky smiled at that, knowing that was true. “If you’d been there you’d have been arrested Steve.” He reminded him sternly. “Along with Sam and Wanda too.” He bit his lip softly. “It’s why I went with them because I wouldn’t have let them take you either.”

The deal had been if he surrendered they would drop the charges against the others. Which in retrospect was an illegal quid pro quo and just used because they knew it was the only way to get him out of Wakonda without violating the sovereign borders. The judge at the hearing even said as much. But given the option Bucky would’ve protected Steve and the others over his own well-being any day of the week and that part he did not regret any more than joining the Commandos with Steve to begin with. In spite of the results.

“I know Buck.” Steve said, leaning his forehead against Bucky’s. “I’m just still mad that’s all.” He nuzzled Bucky’s face a little. “Just wish I could do more sometimes.”

_And I wish I could be more honest with you sometimes…_ he thought to himself but didn’t say it. He chose to rib him a little instead.

“Are you crazy?” Bucky asked as him, actually chuckling at this. “On a scale of 1 to 10 on the help scale you score 100 punk.” He pulled on his shirt a little as if to emphasize this. “So give yourself some damn credit.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “A 100 huh?” He mused. “That so?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky replied, pulling on Steve’s shirt. “Boo bear is very happy with his choice of a hubby.”

That got him a smile and kiss that started out soft and chaste but didn’t stay that way. Steve’s hand was soon softly fisting Bucky’s hair and their tongues were tangle deliciously together. Bucky softly into it, gripping Steve’s shirt and feeling a bit more unburdened, at least for now.

The kiss would’ve gone on longer had they not heard someone clear their throat behind them, causing them to turn and see Shuri standing there with her arms crossed and rolling her eyes. But in an affectionate way. Bucky had always liked her a lot.

“Are you white boys done making out now?” She asked and Bucky could clearly see amusement in her eyes. “Because Sergeant Barnes needs his rest for the procedure tomorrow morning.”

Bucky couldn’t help it and did a salute. “Yes ma’am.” He sassed, causing Steve to shake his head.

“I mean it.” Shuri reiterated, even though she was smiling. “Time for bed.”

Bucky gave a resigned sigh, expecting to be left alone for the night, but was surprised when Steve didn’t look like he was leaving. He saw Bucky’s questioning look and grinned at him knowingly, as if sharing a secret with Shuri.

“Did you really think I was gonna leave you here by yourself jerk?” He asked. “I’m staying right here.”

Bucky blinked. “Whose gonna look after Arya?” He asked worriedly, wondering where his cat was because she wasn’t allowed in the hospital room unfortunately.

“Don’t worry I got her a cat sitter.” Steve reassured him, brushing Bucky’s hair back from his face. “I also didn’t mention that I called Wanda and she’s hanging out with her.”

He smiled inwardly, shaking his head. “You sneaky son of a bitch.” He mused, giving him a mock cross look. “What else are you keeping from me?”

Steve just kissed his head and sat down on the bed next to him. “Lots of things.” He was told, nuzzling their noses together. . “But I’m not telling..”

Shuri gave another look of mock irritation. “You two are ridiculous.” She told them, finishing up in the room. “Behave yourselves in here you got that?”

“I promise we’ll be on our best behavior.” Steve assured her, wrapping his arm around Bucky’s waist. “Scout’s honor.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at her and then looked at Steve lovingly. “That’s iron-clad.” He added. “He’s the biggest boy scout there is sister.”

After a little more sassing around they were left alone, and Bucky promptly decided he was going to have a little fun to take his mind off things, pretty much everything lately, concentrating on right now, this moment. He began to nuzzle Steve’s neck as they sat there, playfully nipping just under his ear until Steve finally pulled him closer to him, his fingers gripping Bucky’s hair playfully.

“You’re gonna do this after we just promised to be good jerk?” Steve said in a growly voice. “Whatever am I going to do with you?”

Bucky grinned, running his tongue over his lips. “I could think of a lot of things you could do to me punk.” He suggested, using his best sultry voice. “And no one has to know.”

He saw Steve’s eyes glint just a little, wanting to be a bit naughty. They didn’t have to go full on after all. These hospital beds were never big enough and it wasn’t anywhere near private enough. And he was still a bit keyed up and a bundle of nerves. He needed something. Anything that would relax him enough to sleep. A release of some kind.

Steve pulled his face closer, letting his tongue dance over Bucky’s lips. “Tempting.” He seemed to muse. “Let me think..”

He let his other hand slide over Bucky’s back and under the gown they’d had him put on and his eyes fluttered at the feel of his warm arm on his bare skin. He shifted slightly on the cot, just enough to give his hand room to get down there. Feeling those fingers roaming and parting him discreetly, causing Bucky to moan quietly. Those talented fingers massaged him, the other hand fisted his hair a little more and kissed him deeply again. It was perfect, exactly what he needed.

“How’s this?” Steve asked against his lips, those fingers moving expertly, knowing exactly what to do. “Feel better?”

He sure did, moaning against his lips in affirmative. Steve’s hand was hidden behind his back, or more specifically his ass, under the gown and the covers so no one peeking in could see a damn thing. Except maybe a kiss. And that’s what made it so beautiful and intimate. But Bucky didn’t dare pulled his lips to far away, if only stifle his soft moans.

Steve was definitely good at making him feel better that was for damn sure. Bringing him to a beautiful soft release that took the tension right out of him. It was so intimate and clandestine that for a beautiful moment Bucky was reminded of when they were young and would steal moments like that. In places like under the boardwalk or on the roof of their building. The way they would wrap each other up in their little apartment, hiding it from the world and falling more in love. It put a smile on his face that took him far from the bad stuff. Far from his anxiety and depression and filled him with warmth and happiness.

And once they resettled in every way, Bucky laid his head on Steve’s shoulder and felt himself finally drifting off, sated, relaxed. Unburdened for the moment.

“Thanks punk.” He whispered to him as he drifted off to sleep. “I love you.”

“You’re welcome jerk. “He heard him say before he fell asleep. “I love you too.”

\--

Steve hated not being able to be there while Bucky was being worked on, but Shuri assured him he could be there when he woke up during the day.

The procedure was in two parts. They had to remove the arm to get to the offending wires that were acting up and give his body a break before reattaching it and the new components and replacing a few dented plates. So he would be spending a little time without his arm. Which could slightly traumatic when he first woke up groggy from the anesthetic and loaded up with pain-killers. So it would be good for him to be there for him then.

Right now, he was resting, his shoulder covered by a wrap to protect the raw, exposed skin. It was strange to see him without the arm, he looked smaller and more vulnerable. All Steve could think of what it had to have been like for him to lose it that first time. Remembering how Bucky had told him once what exactly had happened to his arm in the first place.

It had been late at night and Bucky had woken up from a nightmare and in that vulnerable state had told him more details than he’d ever done before.

“It was torn down by the elbow.” He told him, demonstrating where exactly it had ripped. “Was so twisted they decided to cut it off.. and I guess they just.. kept cutting until they got to my shoulder. Because…” He seemed to pause and wince as if remembering this. “Every time I woke up they were cutting and there… less of it..”

Steve had remembered being horrified Bucky actually had a memory of this. And had simply wrapped him in his arms, rubbing the scar tissue on the shoulder as he did. He’d only talked about it a couple of times and usually only late at night. Like that long conversation they’d had in the window once. Like most things, Bucky did not like to re-open old wounds too often.

He also remembered how he wouldn’t allow Steve to see what his shoulder looked like the first time he was here after Siberia. How adamant he was then, and sometimes now, to let him see too much of those scars. He still had that shame even to this day and that hurt him to think of it.

He had told Bucky time and time again it didn’t matter, that he was beautiful and that he wouldn’t love him any less if he saw them, but Bucky had been almost angrily adamant about not let him move back those plates too much and Steve had respected that.

He wished he’d let him see. See all of it. Wondering if he ever would.

Steve ran his hand softly over the wrap that covered his shoulder, knowing all it would take was him pulling it back and he would see the whole thing. The extent of the damage. But he wouldn’t, not unless Bucky allowed him to. And he wasn’t sure with everything lately, that he was in the right frame of mind to make that decision either.

There had been some progress. He’d at least admitted to the depression, and had finally told him something about the hospital, which had pissed Steve off to know they’d done to him. But talking what happened with Zemo seemed to still be off limits for him right now. Especially with this particular thing going on at the moment.

So for now he leaned over him, picking up Bucky’s right hand, his only hand right now, resting it across his stomach so he could hold it on the left side, and stroked his hair with the other hand, waiting for him to wake up. So he could at least see his eyes, and where he was mentally. So he could comfort him when he woke in possible confusion.

Like the way he was the first time he’d brough him here.

_Steve had in the back of T’Challa’s jet, holding Bucky as close to him as possible. Seeing the wires hanging out his blasted arm. Blood all over his face, coming from his mouth and nose, one of his eyes swelling up from where Tony had kicked him with his metal boot. Broken and disorientated. He’d thought this must’ve been what he’d looked at the bottom that mountain too, all those years ago. _

_“Steve?” He’d said weakly, clutching at his suit with his only remaining arm. _

_Steve looked down, brushing his hair with hand, wincing the blood all over his face. “What is it Buck?” _

_“You should’ve let him kill me..” Bucky choked painfully, his eyes darting everywhere, showing the bright pain them. “I deserved it..” _

_“No Buck.” Steve had tried to reassure him. “It wasn’t your fault.” _

_“Doesn’t matter..” Bucky choked out, his eyes fluttering closed, losing consciousness. “I did it..” _

He’d remembered how painful that was to hear then, and knew Bucky still thought that now sometimes. In the worst of his PTSD depression it came out. Sometimes after nightmares, the ones where he’d woken up, there was still this despondent part of him that felt he’d deserved no better than to live in the pain like that.

The rest of the time, he seemed to be okay, to manage. To appreciate and enjoy life but on those bad days it was just as painful as it had been in the early goings. And he hurt for him then. And he’d had more of those lately Steve had noted. Especially in the last month.

“Captain Rogers?” He heard a voice from behind say, and turned to see Shuri, with a soft smile on her face. “Do you need anything?”

“No I think I’m good.” He answered her as she came over and stood beside the bed herself. “Just thinking that’s all.” He reached over and brushed Bucky’s hair with his fingers. “He hasn’t woken up yet.”

“Well he needs his rest.” She informed him, pulling up a holographic screen that showed vitals and what looked a body scan. “And he’s on heavy pain-killers so even when he is awake he won’t be very coherent.”

Steve looked at her concerned by this. “How much pain is he in?” He asked, stroking Bucky’s hand with this other hand. He saw she was reluctant to tell him and gave her a stoic. “I need to know please?”

“A lot.” She told him, checking the chart. “Right now, a lot of the wires that attached to the nerve endings are exposed and sending pain signals constantly which is why we are keeping him heavily medicated for now.” She looked at Steve sympathetically. “But to be honest it’s not anywhere near as much as he was in the first time you brought him here.”

Steve winced, remember what Shuri had told him back then, that Bucky arm had been in constant pain before it had even been blown off. That the crude work they’d done had made that so. She had informed him that the wiring had been connected into his chest and back, which while allowing freedom of movement also meant he could feel a considerable amount of pain as well. The scars had certainly born out this surgical work, which Shuri had called barbaric by their standards. The arm being blown had caused the metal to heat up in his shoulder and chest and the time she had said it was a miracle he hadn’t died from shock.

“He is extremely strong.” She’d said in wonder as their doctors had stabilized him that day. “Unbelievable.”

Seeing Bucky, so pale and hurt, but still fighting through, he had to agree with her even then.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for him.” He told her now, meaning it sincerely.

She turned to them both and flashed a sweet smile. “When he first came here, my brother insisted on helping him and I asked him why. Why should I help this white boy I don’t even know?” She explained, checking the wrap over his shoulder. “My brother told me ‘because he is a victim just like our father and he deserves to be helped no matter who he is.” She seemed to look at Bucky with softness. “And when I finally got to talk to him, to know him, I understood what he meant.”

Steve watched her, seemingly caring for him. She was smart, with a healthy level of sarcasm but underneath a very good person. A princess in more ways than one, and she had done a tremendous amount to make Bucky better, just like his doctors at home, whom she was in contact with now. He was always glad to come back here even now, knowing, once again he was in good hands.

He watched as she lifted the cover on his shoulder, not looking to closely just yet. “You know he still won’t let me look at it totally.” He said to her, squeezing Bucky’s hand comfortingly. “It’s like he’s still ashamed of it or something.”

“I can understand.” She told him, putting the cover back down. “They butchered him with their crude tools and horrible intentions. We would’ve done a much better job.” She smiled and corrected herself. “We did a much better job and caused him less pain doing it.”

She blew up the shoulder part of his scan, showing where the actual arm ended without showing the scarred part of it. Knowing that was up to Bucky if he ever wanted to. But the scan showed how little of his arm was actually left, just enough to allow pivoting and movement. Steve remembered Bucky saying on multiple occasions that they initial injury was near the elbow, meaning they’d cut off quite a bit of his arm to make the metal one work properly. And that Bucky remembered some of this too. All those scars were from surgical stiching. From surgeries he’d never asked for.

“Captain he’s in much less pain than he used to be.” She repeated to him again, possibly seeing the pinched look on his face. “I can assure you of that, we are much better at this than them.”

“Thank you.” He told her sincerely. “For everything.”

“You are very welcome.” She replied. “Let us know when he wakes up and we can remove the restraints when he’s coherent and stable.”

He promised to do just that. The restraint over his chest was necessary to keep him from moving too much until the nerves in his shoulder settled. Once everything was tip-top they could put the arm back on with the modifications. The whole procedure took a few days and they needed to stay in the area for a few days afterward to make sure everything worked properly. And if everything went well, they’d be home before Christmas. Bucky had been adamant about being home by then. Was insistent on it.

“I gotta serve the vets Rogers.” He’d said with emphasis. “I got a commitment.” He had smiled whistlfully as he looked out the window at the Wakonda. “Besides it doesn’t look very Christmasy here you know..”

“Well we are in Africa.” Steve had reminded him, putting his arms around him from behind.

“That’s what I mean punk.” Bucky had said, leaning into his arms. “I wanna be home for Christmas if it’s all the same to you.”

He had promised him they would, even if they had coordinate care with his doctors at home. All the follow-ups would be there anyways. And he understood what Bucky meant. And how important it was to be home with their friends, in their own home. It meant a lot to Bucky who was going into his third Christmas there now after so long of being alone and having nothing to celebrate. It was important to him. So it would happen. He’d make sure of it.

But for now, he just had to watch over his husband as he slept, looking soft and vulnerable in that hospital bed. He leaned over his kissed his head softly, brushing his brown hair with gentle fingers, hoping that wherever he was right now he wasn’t feeling any of the pain yet.

“I love you Buck.” He whispered to him, letting his other hand squeezed Bucky’s. “Never forget that.”

\--

The first thing he was aware of consciously was the beeping of the monitor. Repetitive and maddening.

The second was he was in pain, a lot of it, even though it seemed to be fuzzy and disconnected slightly.

The third was that he was in some way strapped down and couldn’t move. This caused a bit of panic to rise in his confused mind. Along with the fact that it felt like his arm was missing. Which caused his eyes fly open in terror, his body tensing in fear.

He saw an IV bag and unfamiliar ceiling above his head.

Was he back with them? Did they have him again? What were they doing to him? He needed to get out of there, but he couldn’t move. It wasn’t just the restraints it was whatever they had given him to sedate him. It made him feel muddled and lethargic. His eyes darted everywhere, the fear and anxiety causing the monitor to speed up as his heart-rate increased with his panic.

Bucky would’ve gone into full blown panic if it hadn’t been for a familiar voice and the face that went with it coming into view. “Bucky it’s okay.” He heard Steve say, causing him to blink to clear his vision. “You’re safe.”

He was starting to remember a little now but was still confused. Steve had taken him here after what had happened in Siberia. Is that why his arm was gone. Because Tony had been angry. And he’d had a right to be. He felt the despair of that quite clearly now, pushing through the haze of the pain-killers. He had killed Tony’s parents, it was on the video, and the chaos had ensued.

“Steve?” He heard himself asking, still not sure though, he felt all confused. “My arm? Tony?”

He saw Steve smile at him, a little pained. “No Buck it’s not that.” He said in a soft voice. “That was years ago.. they’re working on your arm remember?”

Bucky blinked, confused again. Working on his arm? And then he started to remember a little. Starting to realize when this was now. His eyes fluttered softly, feeling Steve’s warm fingers stroking his hair, touching his skin every so often. They had taken his arm off to work on it. That’s why he was restrained. Even though he knew that, he still wanted it off. It was bringing other memories back too.

“Can they.. take off the.. strap..” He asked, struggling for words still. “Can’t …breathe right.”

That wasn’t the real reason, and Steve seemed to understand this, finding the buckle on the side of the bed to loosen it and then undo it. Once it was it was off Bucky felt the rest of his panic start to dissipate. His breathing returned to normal. But with that came the pain flare-up every time he took a breath. The wires had been attached that far and they were screaming at him now. That brought back bad memories too.

Steve saw the wincing and the bright pain very clearly. “I’ll get the doctors okay?”

Bucky felt panic at that, and his arm shot out, not wanting him to leave yet. Not even for a moment. His hand gripped Steve’s arm tightly, with all the strength he could muster. “I’m okay.” He told him. “Just don’t leave okay?” He bit his lip. “Please?”

Steve seemed torn for a moment, as if he couldn’t decide what to do here. On the one hand he saw Bucky was in clear pain and needed the doctor, but on the other he saw the panic in his eyes at the idea of Steve stepping out of the room. Bucky was sure as hell not trying to confuse him, but he could handle the pain, what he couldn’t handle, at least at that moment, was being alone for even 5 seconds in here. He hated himself for but, he felt so scared and vulnerable he couldn’t help it.

Instead of leaving Steve made the decision to wait just a little bit, leaning over Bucky and kissing his head softly, leaving his lips there. Bucky closed his eyes, letting himself feel that. Feel his warm lips on his head, and let a shuddering sigh go through him. It hurt his shoulder and chest, but he bore it, keeping his hand firmly on Steve’s arm, not wanting to let him go either.

“You’re in pain.” Steve said in a choked voice, his hand on Bucky’s hair. “Let me get some help.”

“It’s not bad.” He told Steve, blinking back tears. Still not letting himself break down yet, even though it was close. “I can handle it.”

Steve laid his head against Bucky’s, squeezing his own eyes shut. “Dammit Buck stop pretending it doesn’t hurt.” He heard him said with a concerned tone. “You don’t have to.”

He knew Steve wasn’t just talking about the physical pain either. He’d been holding a lot in lately. All the new information. The book. Zemo. The flashbacks and the panics it caused. The red anger and the black depression that scared him. And what had triggered all of it a month ago. He’d been doing his best to stuff it all inside. Internalizing it all. Burying it under false bravado. And now this. The pain in his body reminding him of those horrible procedures he’d been forced to endure. All the things he’d been forced to endure and the horrible sickness it had caused.

He was a wreck inside, and it hurt like hell. But he still couldn’t let it go. Not here. Not now. He was still hiding, and he hated himself for it. _Why don’t you trust him?_ he heard the Winter Soldier say, with confusion in the thought. _Steve loves us.._

Then he felt Steve’s hand resting on his left shoulder, just above the wrap. So close to where he’d been so hideously mangled all those years ago. Steve had seen some of it, but not all of it. He’d never let him pull the flaps back that far. And now they were completely off, with nothing to hide horror of that disfigurement. And even after all these years he was still terrified to show him.

“Bucky..” He heard Steve whisper to him, pulling back to look in his eyes. “Let me see it.” The voice was tender, loving. Like it had always been. “Please?”

Bucky felt himself shake a little, and with that a part of him wondered what the hell he was afraid of. Steve loved him, would never not love him no matter how disfigured his was. He knew all the bad things he’d done and still loved him. He’d married him for godsake. He’d seen all the ugly parts. All the physical and emotional scars that made him so ashamed. And yet here he was still petrified to show him the full damage.

“You don’t need to.” He stammered, pulling back a little. “It’s hideous.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of Buck.” Steve said softly with that same look, his hand on the edge of the wrap. “I wanna see what they did you.” He leaned his forehead against Bucky’s again. “But only if you’ll let me.”

He looked into Steve’s eyes and saw nothing but that unconditional love that had helped him survive so much. _Show him.._ He heard that voice again, low and insistent. _Trust him_. He bit his lip, making a decision in spite his fear of it. If there was any person in the world he would let see this, why wouldn’t be the love of his life. The one who knew him the best. Who loved him the most. He nodded his head slowly and wrapped his arm around Steve’s neck, letting him sit him up and slide the gown off his shoulder.

“You can take it off.” He said quietly, sitting there with his arm holding onto Steve’s waist for support.

He felt Steve’s fingers softly take the wrap off of his shoulder, and felt the cool air hit it. An area that rarely got exposed to the air at all. It was sensitive, achy and sore, the pain starting to increase a little. Bucky felt Steve’s fingers tracing scar tissue right up to the edge, careful not touch anything that was raw or sore. Feeling those fingers trace along his back as well and around to his chest. He closed his eyes, trembling slightly, his whole body a raw nerve now.

In his still slightly confused, pain addled mind he wondered what he must think of it now. How could he think he was beautiful after seeing this? Seeing what they’d done to him. How they’d marked him forever.

He remembered being cut open, waking up in the middle of horrible surgeries and felt the sting of tears in his eyes. They way they’d mercilessly kept taking more and more of his arm. Of feeling fingers working inside, removing muscles and adding wires. Of screaming into the mouth gag they’d put on him, which was merely to keep him from biting his tongue. Like they’d done when they’d shocked him. He could feel the pain in body even now, the kind that made you want to throw up, and wanted to curl inside himself like he had then.

Steve’s other hand touched Bucky’s face, which had been turned away, and brought his eyes to his. Bucky could still barely look at him. “You’re so beautiful Buck.” Steve whispered to him. “Nothing they did changes that.”

Bucky could feel the tears well up in his eyes even more, stinging them as he heard those words. As he felt Steve’s fingers put the wrap back over his shoulder lovingly and pull the gown back over it. He couldn’t hold it in. It hurt too much, his emotions were on overload these days and he felt himself crawl into Steve’s arms, burying his face into his shoulder and just sobbed softly against it. Steve’s strong arms wrapped around him, enveloping him in them and Bucky used the one arm he had right now to just clutch at Steve’s shirt.

“It’s hideous..” He choked out, clutching Steve’s shirt with the one arm he had right now. “How could I be beautiful with this? How?”

“Because it’s part of you Buck.” Steve whispered in Bucky’s ear, stroking his hair. “And you’re beautiful.”

Everything hurt so damn much, he was afraid he would spill it all in this vulnerable state and he wasn’t ready for that. Wasn’t ready to admit to the things he’d been holding back. He wanted the fuzziness of the pain-killers now. Just like the wine, to dull those senses and let him forget it all again for a while.

“It hurts.” He said in a weak voice. “I need something… please?”

Steve sat back slightly, looking at him with surprise and some concern. “Are you sure?” He asked, studying him carefully. “Thought you were handling it?”

He felt slightly defensive about that, almost as if he was caught. “I guess you were right and I can’t.” He answered shortly, pulling back slightly. “So can you get them?”

“Okay I will.” Steve answered, as if sensing the tension in him. “Whatever you need Buck.”

Bucky watched him as he went to the door to signal the doctors and inwardly called himself a coward. _Why can’t you face any of it?_ He thought to himself. _Why are you lying?_

This accusatory tone had increased over the last month, since.. well things had happened. Since he stopped being completely honest with Steve. Not wanting to worry him, wanting him to relax and stop stressing out trying to protect him. So instead of talking he buried things, numbed himself in certain ways and now he wanted those pain-killers just for his physical pain but to dull this sense of guilt in him as well. For the lying and letting Steve enable him lately. It was unhealthy he knew it, but right now he needed to just not think about any of it.

So he laid back on the pillow again, looking up at the ceiling, waiting for the doctors to deliver that for him.

\--

By the time Shuri and the doctors were there, Bucky had gotten himself together, putting on what Steve had recognized as the ‘everything’s peachy face’ he’d perfected since, long before Hydra. It had been how he’d coped even then with the things that he said, in his own words, had to stay inside him. Anyone else seeing that face, even his parents, had been fooled by it, but not Steve.

And he had a distinct feeling he wanted the pain-killers now for more than just physical pain, but he wasn’t going to call him on it just yet. Not here.

The bed had been angled up and he sat in it, Bucky’s only hand at the moment clutching Steve’s tightly even as he kept that face for the others. Even as he tensed when the wrap was lifted and they checked his arm. Even as he growled slightly as a male nurse got to close. He kept his eyes on Shuri instead.

“We will give your body a day to rest before reattachment but during that time you need to rest.” She told him. “And I mean that.. no funny business in here got that?”

He was given more pain-killers to ease that process a bit, which in turn made him a bit fuzzy and loopy again, which Steve supposed was okay. It was better than the alternative, the bright pain he saw in his eyes that he had been doing his best to pretend wasn’t there. Of thysical and emotional variety. Steve put both his hands on Bucky’s face and gave him a soft kiss on the lips, which caused Bucky to giggle a little in a very cute way, which after his earlier mini-breakdown, was a beautiful thing.

“She said no funny business punk.” He said with mirth, his voice sounding drugged, which it was. “You’ll get me trouble.”

“It’s just a kiss jerk.” Steve reminded him, brushing his hair softly. “Nothing wrong with that.”

Bucky smirked, his eyes glazed a little more as the drugs kicked in more. “Well when you kiss me.. I want you to do.. other things.” He teased, with his lips cutely pursed. “Naughty things..”

“You’re really cute when you’re like this boo bear.” Steve teased back, nuzzling his nose. “Sometimes I’m very tempted.”

He was, just that look in Bucky’s hooded eyes. The teasing, com hither look, the one he had when he drank sometimes. But there was no way he could ever indulge in it right now. Bucky was not in any state to engage in anything like that. But damn he just looked so freaking delicious the way he was laying there with his hair spread out on the pillow with teal colored baiting him like that.

“This is some good stuff.. feels like I’m drunk.” Bucky informed and then got a sad, contemplative look on his face. “Kinda forget what that feels like.”

Steve let his hand wrap around Bucky’s neck just under his hair and smile at him softly, knowing exactly what he meant. “Me too.” He mused, looking into those teal blue eyes, which were fuzzy but still showed some pain in them. “Does it still hurt?”

Bucky frowned a little. “It always hurts.” He told him. “Some days are just worse than others.”

“You know what I mean Buck.”

“You mean earlier.” Bucky responded, averting his eyes. “Sorry about that I..I didn’t feel good.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that.” Steve told him, wrapping his hand around the back of his head. “You never do so stop.”

Bucky bit his lip, wrapping his hand around Steve’s arm. “I can handle the pain Steve.” He said, his voice cracking “It was just you… seeing it..I couldn’t handle it.” He lowered his eyes from Steve’s. “It made me feel weak and I hate that feeling.”

Steve glanced at the wrap, remembering what it looked like under there. The hideous scaring that spread out from his shoulder like a spider-web. Getting denser the closer it came to the center. It had been painful to see just how they’d mangled him, torn his shoulder apart to make some kind of a weapon, no conscience involved in all the violations they’d committed against him. Instead of being horrified at what he’d seen he was angry it had been done and sad for him at the same time. Wishing he could make it better, wave a wand and make it all disappear. And he’d felt something else.

Pride in his strength to survive this and in how beautiful he was. Those scars just made him more so.

“You’re not weak Buck.” He said softly, both hands on his face. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to flutter tiredly. “I don’t feel like I am.” He whispered, looking up at Steve with fuzzy eyes that seemed to be pricked with tears again. “I just feel so tired.”

Steve stroked his hair, trying to comfort him back to sleeping again, knowing he needed the rest. The arm would be put back on in the morning and that procedure wouldn’t be quite as painful but his body still needed to rest and relax. The heavy pain-killers were helping but Bucky needed to relax entirely. To let his body and mind settle. Shuri had said his heart-rate was still a bit high and Steve knew it was anxiety build-up from the last week or so.

He knew he hadn’t help with that either. Feeling guilty about his omission.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Zola.” He said finally, his fingers coming his hair. “I was trying to protect you and I just made it worse.” He took his hand with his own other hand. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ know why you did it.” Bucky said quietly, opening his eyes to look at him. “I’m not mad anymore.”

The anymore implied that he had been. For longer than he said too. Steve hadn’t expected to bring it up now but after seeing Bucky’s mangled shoulder and remembering the reaction to seeing Zola’s face on that screen, he’d felt the need to apologize. Knowing what that monster had done to him, how much pain he’d put him through on multiple occasions for ‘science’. The first of many. One of his creators.

“Are you sure about that?” Steve asked, not believing him. “Tell me the truth Buck.” He looked into his slightly muddled eyes. “Tell me how you really feel about it.. just be honest with me please.”

He saw Bucky avert his eyes again, looking at the ceiling. His lips were pressed together as if in pain, because, well he was. There was no amount of drugs that could take that away. No technology that could erase it. No amount of time could pass that made it hurt less. Steve knew he’d never completely escape it. That like the physical pain, you just learned to live with it.

“Yeah I’m sure.” Bucky said, anger creeping into his voice. “Just let it go.”

“You’re angry.” Steve said in a soft voice. “And I just want you to let yourself feel that Buck.”

Steve could hear Bucky’s heart monitor beeping a little higher to coincide with the look on his face. “I don’t wanna feel it.” He snapped, his face pinching as if he was holding something in. “I can’t afford to.”

“You can’t just hold it in Buck.” Steve said to him, concerned at this statement. “It’s not good for you.”

“It’s better than the alternative.”

Steve looked at him questioningly. “What alternative?”

“Hurting someone.” Bucky admitted, averting his eyes away from Steve’s again. “Because I could.”

He was shocked and heartbroken that Bucky still thought like this even now. Thinking that maybe it was the pain he was in, bringing back all those memories. The low state of mind, the only recently admitted to depression. Or, he thought angrily, Zemo had gotten to him in some way that he hadn’t seen. It worried him no matter what the cause and he needed to get to the bottom of it.

“Bucky you don’t do that anymore.” He said softy to him, still brushing his hair with his hand. “Why would you think you would?” He turned his face back to his. “He got to you didn’t he?”

Bucky seemed to swallow painfully as if not wanting to answer this at first. “I’d been feeling it for a while.” He admitted, his voice sounding a bit fuzzy, his eyes looking pained. “He just made me realize it that’s all.”

For some reason that made Steve angry. The idea that anything that man could say could get in Bucky’s head like that. He’d heard the conversation but most of the time he hadn’t seen Bucky’s face during it, he’d been facing away. Now he was regretting the idea of not only allowing it but not being in there as well. Even though he knew he couldn’t make those decisions for him, this had brought out his super-protective nature again.

He thought about all Bucky’s work at the VA, how adamant he was about going back and making sure the vets without families had a good Christmas dinner and company. About the fact that he had one more semester left in his counseling training and what he’d said once about wanting help people in smaller, more significant ways than just punching bad guys.

And the way he’d found an abused, unwanted cat and brought her home as part of their family. The way he sat with that sweet little creature sitting trustingly on an arm he still sometimes thought of as dangerous.

And just how great and patient he was with kids who were fascinated by that same arm.

“You are not dangerous you got that?” He told him adamantly, turning his face back to him again. “That’s not who you are anymore so stop saying that.”

“But I can’t stop feeling it.” Bucky replied, closing his eyes tiredly. “I keep fighting it but.. I’m so damn tired..”

He could see just how exhausted Bucky was mentally. It was all taking a toll on him again. All this stress that he was holding and feelings he was fighting. He wanted him to just really open and let it out, but he knew he couldn’t right now. He was in pain and heavily medicated and just didn’t have the energy or coherent mind to do that yet.

So for now he sat on the side of the bed and pulled him into his arms so he could rest on his shoulder. He heard Bucky sigh tiredly, his arm tucked between them, keeping the other shoulder elevated carefully. Steve fixed the wrap on said shoulder, rubbing the edges soothingly as he held him.

“How about you get some rest then jerk.” He whispered into his hair. “And let me do all the fighting for you.”

Bucky yawned as he lay there. “I dunno punk.. this is a.. .pretty tough opponent..” He mused, might get your ass kicked.”

“Well you know me..” Steve chuckled. “I’m too dumb to run away from a fight.”

“Yeah..” Bucky agreed sleepily, and sort of giggled in a cute, drug induced way. “One of the things I.. love about you Stevie…”

It was so adorable the way he snuggled up to him in the small bed, his face buried in his shoulder. Steve rubbed his back, feeling those raised scars through his gown and kissing his softly, comfortingly. He wished the people out there who still judged him, still wanted to lock him away, could see him when he was like this. Could see him the way he really was and not the monster some had made him out to be. And looking at Bucky dozing, he wished he could see the truth too, instead of the doubt that creeped into his head still.

He would fight that fight forever if he had to. If only to just reach Bucky himself when he felt like this.

“I can do this all day Buck.” He whispered in his ear, and just kept his arms around him for as long as necessary.

\--

Bucky sat on the chair, feeling the grass around his bare feet. It seemed odd to him to be able to sit outside like this in late December. It certainly was a change. Not that he was planning on staying much longer. His goal was to be home before Christmas. He missed his home, it seemed like forever since he’d been there. And he had a commitment, he wasn’t going to miss that, no matter what.

Just a couple more days and he would be back there.

He looked down at his arm, practicing flexing the fingers and the elbow like he was told to continue doing for at least another week. It wasn’t exactly a new arm, just the one he had with upgrades. The outer part of it still had those gorgeous silver and gold tiger stripes on it, but with an interesting new aesthetic addition. One he’d requested himself.

A star on the shoulder. Except this time it wasn’t red. It was white. Like the one Steve had on his uniform. A nice mesh of the old and new. He rather liked it. Thought maybe it was worth the pain he had gone through to get it done.

“Hey hold still.” Wanda said from behind him, giving his hair a little playful tug. “I’m almost done.”

Bucky smiled a little at that and turned his attention back to his painting, which he had resumed working on. Outside this time, using that travel easel and paint kit Steve had gotten him. Needing to get some of this shit out of his system after the last couple of days.

“Sorry.” He said to Wanda, chuckling a little as he picked up the paintbrush. “I’ll try to behave.”

Wanda had come by the little cottage they were staying in while Bucky was recovering from the surgery. It had been a compromise he’d made with Shuri and Pam, who’d also come in to visit with Sam, to allow him to stay here rather than in the hospital, or even in the city. The catch being he had daily check-ins from Shuri until he was cleared. Bucky was grateful for that compromise, wanting that fresh air rather the claustrophobic feeling of the hospital. He was continuously grateful his doctors understood this.

Plus out here, Wanda could bring Arya to visit because she was not allowed in the hospital.

Said cat was curling around Bucky’s feet on her harness, most assuredly tangling his legs in her leash, as Wanda braided his hair and kept him company. Especially considering he’d sort sent Steve away for a while, because, quite frankly he’d been driving him crazy and there was some tension as a result. They needed a little breather.

Bucky was just a raw nerve lately and didn’t want it to get to the level of a fight because it was certainly close. Very close to that actually. It bothered him just how angry he’d felt and wanted Steve away from him for a little while.

“I don’t need you to look after me 24 hours a day okay?” He’d remembered snapping at him. “I need some damn space.”

“But Buck.”

He’d tossed a pillow at him. “Just do it alright!” He said angrily before softening a little. “For both our sakes please just get out of here.”

Truth was, Steve was more protective than usual, and Bucky thought it might’ve had to do with the state he’d been in that middle part of the procedure. The day when his arm was off, and he’d been doped up heavy on the pain-killers. His memory of that was fuzzy at best, not remembering a lot of what he’d said during it. Thinking maybe it had concerned Steve to the point of this needing to look after him to the point of almost smothering him. He thought maybe he should ask about it, but that would involve talking and well, that had been kind of a problem for him lately.

And talking led to questions he didn’t want to answer.

“There we go.” Wanda said finally, pushing the loose strands behind Bucky’s ear as she rested her chin on his shoulder to watch him paint. “All done.”

“Why do I like braiding my hair?” Bucky asked curiously as he painted. “Am I your doll or something?”

Wanda laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Yes you are..” She told him, unable to resist teasing him. “A doll with very beautiful hair.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and turned back to his painting, doing a couple more test flexes with his metal arm as he did. As he looked at the painting, another self-portrait, seeing the predominant reds and blacks, infused with some other colors. Blues, greens and a little brown. But it was the first 2 colors that were most noticeable, and he knew what they were symbolizing, and he was pretty sure Wanda did too. 

“Its kinda depressing.” He said out loud, using some red fade out for shadow. “Don’t you think?”

“Yeah it is.” She agreed, nodding on his shoulder. “But maybe that’s just how you’re feeling right now.”

He sighed, lowering the brush. “Maybe.”

Putting the brush down completely Bucky leaned over to pick up Arya, un-entangling her leash from his legs and letting her sit on the metal arm like she liked to do, partly to test if it could hold the weight without too much pain and he was happy that it could. And also because, well he missed snuggling with her.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Wanda asked him as he turned around to face her. “And don’t try to bullshit because I can read minds remember?”

Bucky smiled, knowing she could, and would if pushed. But only if she felt she was welcome. She didn’t have to though, he felt comfortable talking to her. But wondering why he couldn’t with Steve these days. Why opening up to him was so damn hard lately. Then he felt Arya’s little nose nuzzle him under his chin, demanding attention, pulling him back to the matter at hand.

“I’m not.” He admitted with a heavy sigh. “Haven’t been for a while… been kinda faking it, and I don’t know why.” He gave a half smile, looking around at the scenery around them. “I know I should talk about…things but.. it just won’t come out..”

Wanda looked at him sympathetically, putting her hand on his flesh one. “You’ve always kind of been that strong, silent type.” She told him, her hand starting to glow on top of his. “But whatever this is…it’s killing you now.”

He nodded, petting Arya, who was trying to climb up his metal arm a little more, so hoisted her up a little. She was so right on that it was scary. The tight lid he’d been keeping on himself lately was taking a lot out of him, a part of him wanting to just let it loose, feel that relief in the release of it, but he was afraid to. Because of what might come out. And what came after that. The void that anger and pain left its wake.

“Steve keeps asking me.. and I just keep deflecting..” He confessed, wrapping his arm around Arya, and himself too. As if for protection. “I sent him away today because I’m scared I might.. hurt him in some way if he keeps pushing.”

She nodded as if she understood, and he was pretty sure she did. Knowing what it was like to have anger and pain inside and the power to inflict harm if anyone came too close. She knew what it was like to be afraid of yourself.

“Can I look inside?” She asked him, letting that warm hand rest on his face now. “Maybe I can help loosen it up.”

He nodded, looking up at her as she put her hand on his head. He could feel that familiar warmth fill his head as she searched inside, trying to locate the source of the distress. He let out a breath and relaxed, allowing access, just wanting some relief from what felt like constant pressure in his mind. The red orange warmth in his head spread and found the pulsing red and the creeping black right behind it. And the memories attached to these. The times when he’d let it go.. and what followed.

Bucky was okay about letting her see those memories, just like with Steve and Amelia, he’d trusted them enough to share it before. But Wanda had probably seen more simply by be able to look inside and see the full horrors for herself. Seeing how that red had taken over in that horrible room and the damage he’d done to his abuser. And the darkness that followed.

Bucky didn’t like going into that memory too much anymore. He’d dug through the debris of that in therapy, the torture, the rapes and his final brutal response that had sent into the dark hell of his mind for so long. That dark pit was still there, and Bucky wasn’t sure it would ever really go away and that’s what frightened him the most of all.

“It’s cold in here.” He heard her say in his head. “No wonder you can’t get warm.”

He did constantly feel cold, especially in deep winter. He’d always curled up close to Steve when he slept, even with a several cover layers. He’d started to realize that that cold was in his head more than anything. That dark, cold place on the other side of that hallway he’d fought so hard to get out of. That he still visited in therapy and in his nightmares sometimes. The difference was now, he could come and go, he wasn’t trapped anymore. But it didn’t stop the fear he’d get sucked in again.

Especially after seeing Zola on that screen. And Zemo in person. How the red anger had grown again. 

And how some of it was still directed toward Steve. Anger at him keeping things from him. And because there was a part of him that felt as if Steve was over-compensating for his feelings of guilt by smothering him lately.

“Yeah.” He finally said, feeling a shiver go through him. “I feel it all the time.”

She was searching a bit more and that other thing, the thing he hadn’t told Steve about, crept on the edge of the darkness. And she got a glimpse of it. Enough to understand.

The real catalyst for this set back. Bucky tried to pull it away but she saw it before he could.

_Don’t think I should tell you this over the phone.._

She pulled her hand away and put them on his face, both of them glowing softly now. It was so warm and comforting he wanted to cry, but once again held it in. He just shivered again and closed his eyes, letting the comfort in.

“You have to talk to Steve.” She said softly to him. “Stop being so stubborn and let him help you.”

Bucky shook his head defensively. “I can handle that.” He protested, trying to deflect. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” She told him, her hands still holding. “Talk to him please.”

She then put her arms around him, holding him close. He wanted to pull away and deny but he couldn’t, not with her. He just let her hug him for time being, not sure what to do or how to do it. All he knew was that he was in pain, even though he was trying to deny it. And that the idea of telling Steve all of it terrified him.

“I don’t know what to do.” Bucky whispered into Wanda’s shoulder, the metal still holding Arya close as well. “I don’t.”

\--

It had been nice to just go out with Sam and have some drinks. To just shoot the shit about what was gong on at home. Tony’s latest frivolous behavior, things like that. He barely mentioned Bucky, until about the last hour or so.

Sam was accompanying Pam, who happened to be attending a medical conference right here in Wakonda to talk about new advances in medicine being made here. Steve had no doubt Bucky would get brought up there as an unnamed patient, considering some of the advances that were made had to do with his treatment as well. Neurology and prosthetics were, after all, being discussed and Bucky’s ailments and healing were part of those advances.

This tri had allowed her to look in her patient and given Sam the opportunity to hang out with Steve and he was grateful for it. Especially after this morning. For which a part of him was still sort about even now. Sore at himself, and at Bucky for being so damn bull-headed these days. So laughing with Sam over beers had been nice. But the subject did come up eventually.

“So you two have a fight or something?” Sam asked, nursing his third beer.

Steve raised his eyebrows. “What makes you say that?”

“Well for starters, you’re here and he’s not with you.”

“He’s taking it easy.” Steve told him, not necessarily lying. “Shuri and your fiancée don’t want him drinking and carousing so soon after surgery.”

“Well you’ve also been avoiding talking about him.” Sam countered him. “And you looked kind of pissed when you got here so yeah I took a wild guess.”

“Well I wouldn’t exactly call it a fight.” Steve said with a frustrated sigh. “You’d have to actually talk to have one of those.”

“He won’t talk to you?”

“He starts to and then just sort of.. closes down.” Steve confessed, downing more of his beer. “I’ve tried everything and he just.. won’t open up.” He spun his glass absently on the bar. “It’s like before and it worries me.”

Sam looked at him understandingly. “Setbacks happen man.. he’ll get past it.”

“I know but..” Steve sighed, shaking his head. “This time I might have caused it in some way.”

“How’s that?”

“I kept something from him, something important.” He admitted, motioning for another beer. “And when he found is when it started going to shit again.”

He’d remembered again the severity of the anxiety attack he’d had when he found out about Zola. And the barely concealed anger when Steve had admitted to knowing about it. But also how Bucky seemed to stifle that anger, even after everything that happened in Berlin. How he’d drank several bottles of wine in order to cope. It bothered him to think he could’ve set this off and his over-compensation was to be super-protective and doting and Bucky had wanted none of that lately.

He was feeling the guilt again and Sam could see right through there.

“You think you caused all this Steve?” Sam asked pointedly, raising the finger holding his glass. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe he’s fighting this for a while and it’s just the stress lately that brought that out?” He leaned forward, looking Steve in the eye. “He’s got PTSD it’s unpredictable. A lot of things can trigger it. You have no more control over that than he does.”

Steve thought maybe Sam was right about it, wondering if he’d missed some of the signs. And maybe Sam had noticed simply because he and Bucky spent a lot of time at the VA together and Sam was well-versed in his illness. He looked at his glass thinking hard about this. Because it seemed like Sam knew something. Something he himself was missing.

“Has he said anything to you?” He asked Sam curiously. Fishing but not being obvious about it. “I know it’s confidential but.. I’m at a loss here.”

Sam got a funny look on his face at that, as if thinking of something. Making a connection on something. “You know I can’t talk about what we say in group right?” Sam reminded him as he drank another beer. “Sorry.”

He did know something. Something important and suddenly Steve was a bit worried. “Did something happen Sam?” He asked with more urgency. “You don’t have to tell me specifics just… I need something because he won’t talk.”

Steve watched as Sam did an internal debate on how much he wanted to say here. “All I can say is… you might wanna ask him about Thanksgiving weekend.”

He looked at Sam steadily, feeling apprehension and confusion over this. He’d been away Thanksgiving weekend. Had left Friday to attend a weekend conference with Tony and Nat after helping Bucky with the Thanksgiving dinner at the VA. When he’d left things had been fine but.. there was something off when he came back now that he thought of it. Something in Bucky’s eyes was slightly different.

He had been attacked when he’d walked in the door, and Steve had chalked it up to just missing him and had indulged because, well he’d missed him too. But in retrospect he was reminded of Bucky using sex as a coping and avoiding mechanism and now he was sure he’d missed something important.

Not to mention he’d had more severe nightmares since then. It was adding to something and he was kicking himself for not seeing it sooner.

“He.. never mentioned anything wrong when I came back.” He told Sam, his throat dry now, needing another drink.

“You need to get him to talk Steve.” Sam told him, looking serious. “He needs to get it out because he’s not handling it as well as he thinks.”

On his way back to the village where they were staying, he knew Sam was right. Whatever it was he had to get him to talk. Without aiding and enabling his denial. That maybe his mistake had been that he was treating him like he was fragile and should ask the hard questions. The best results he’d ever had had been when actually did push back at him a little. Realizing sometimes it was exactly what Bucky wanted him to do. Almost like a child in a sense, pushing the boundary to just get a little structure.

When he got there Bucky actually met him at the door of the cottage, looking beautiful, not that that was anything new really. He had on a well-fitting white t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans with his hair braided and tied back. The t-shirt had a sillouette of one man carrying another and red ‘Wounded Warriors Project’. A charity Bucky was very big on supporting. The braids were Wanda’s doing no doubt. Steve always loved when she did his hair like that. His revamped metal arm reflected the sunlight beautifully and Steve’s eyes went that new white star on the shoulder. There was just.. something about that that held his gaze. But he could not get distracted either. As it easy it was to do.

Bucky stood there for a moment in that doorway with said arm, folded over the other. “Welcome back.” He said, his face neutral, just like his voice. “How’s Sam?”

“His usual self.” Steve answered, not moving from where he was yet. “I like your hair.”

He thought he saw a ghost of a smile on Bucky’s face as he shifted against the door. “Yeah you know Wanda likes to play with my hair.” He motioned to his painting just outside the door. “And help me paint. She brought Arya.”

“Good.” He replied, still rooted to his spot. “That must’ve been nice.” It was small talk, like they both were hedging a bit. Steve finally took a step forward. “Bucky we need to talk.”

Bucky put his hand up, in a slightly dismissive gesture. “About what?” He asked with a slightly defensive tone. “Because if it’s about earlier you were just driving me fucking crazy and giving me a headache.”

“From what?” Steve asked, matching the tone a little. “Caring about you?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “There’s caring and then there’s smothering punk.” He replied, his eyes fixed and defiant, arms still crossed in that defensive pose. “You were doing the latter.”

“Maybe I was.” Steve agreed, standing with his hands on his hips. “I’m sorry about that.” He steadied himself a little, trying not to let Bucky’s defensive tone get to him. “But I got reason to be worried don’t I?”

“I’m fine.” Bucky said shortly, as if caught. “I’m handling it.”

“Are you?” Steve asked, finally just deciding to ask the question, and let the chips fall where they may. “What’s really going on with you?” He set his face and took a step forward. “What happened on Thanksgiving weekend?”

He saw Bucky’s face pinched and shift as if he’d hit a nerve. His whole countenance changed from calm defiance to barely concealed anger and, worse, fear and pain. He tried to compose himself and Steve got ready for the denial that he was sure was coming.

“Nothing happened then.” Bucky answered, confirming this assumption. “What makes you think something did?”

He wasn’t going to rat out Sam here, to destroy Bucky’s trust in him. In the confidentiality of their talks alone and in group. Sam didn’t really tell him anything anyways. Just pointed him in the right direction, showing him something he may have been too close to see at first.

“Because something changed after that.” He answered, daring to step a little closer. “I should’ve seen it then but I didn’t.” He kept his eyes on Bucky’s steadily. “That attack at the compound didn’t start any of this did it.. something else did.”

“Nothing.. happened.” Bucky said adamantly, standing his ground in front of Steve.

They were standing very close now and Steve reached out and grabbed Bucky’s shoulder. Hard too. Not hard enough to really hurt him, but hard enough to make a point. He looked in his eyes and could still that stubborn defiance in them. And something else too. Conflict. Like he was fighting himself inside.

“You’re gonna talk to me Buck.” Steve said in a voice full of command, his face inches away from Bucky’s. “No more of this shit you got that?”

“What are you gonna do Captain?” Bucky seemed to hiss at him, a dangerous glint in his eyes. “Punish me?” He pushed against his hands a little. “Cause that could be interesting..”

That look in his eyes, that daring, defiant look he got when they would argue sometimes. It was alluring, tempting. Steve had to fight the urge to throw him over his shoulder, drag him inside and fuck that defiance right out of him. And he knew Bucky knew that, that’s why he did it. It as another way he asserted control over the situation, distracting Steve from the matter at hand. He forced himself not to give into it.

“Nice try.” He answered in an even voice, pushing the urge down violently. “That’s not gonna work today.”

“You sure about that?” Bucky asked with that same look, leaning a little closer. “Sure you don’t wanna teach me a lesson punk?” He brushed his lips teasingly against Steve’s. “Make me behave?”

He was pushing it per usual, but Steve resisted, pulling roughly back from him. “Yeah I’m sure.” He told him, a barely perceptible growl in his voice. “You’re not getting out of this that easy.”

“What if I don’t talk?” Bucky asked, still trying to stare him down. “What then?”

“Then I’ll wait.” Steve told him, holding his gaze, his fingers digging into Bucky’s flesh arm, feeling that strong, beautiful bicep flex underneath it. “I can do this all day remember?” He pulled just a little closer. “And all night if I have to.”

Bucky still stared him defiantly, but he could see the wavering in his eyes. Knowing Steve well enough to know he meant that. The internal fight as he looked into them. Trying to find a way out of this, an escape route. 

“Did you at least bring me something to drink?” He asked, his voice starting to waver as well. “Cause I might need one… you know to loosen me up.”

“No.” Steve answered, shaking his head. “I’m doing that anymore either.” He loosened his grip a little on his arms now. “You’re just gonna have to go without tonight.”

Bucky tightened his lips together for a moment. “Now you decide to put your foot down on that?” He asked, his tone frustrated now.

“Yeah I’m not letting you numb yourself like that anymore.” He told him, holding his gaze steady. “That’s over.”

He didn’t care if Bucky was pissed at him, if he hated him at the moment. He wasn’t going to enable him like that anymore. He was going to get a real honest answer out of him now. Even if it took him all day and all night. He had to get it out of him, to open the wounds so they could heal yet again. He knew Bucky was strong enough for this. Just had to get him to trust himself enough to do it without help now.

“Please Buck.” He asked, his voice softening slightly. “Just goddamn talk to me.” He swallowed hard, begging him with his eyes. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

He waited patently, hoping he would answer. Staring into his eyes, willing him to, but knowing only he could choose to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, sorry I left it there but that's where it stops for now unfortunatly, but I promise it won't be too long til the next one, I got some free time coming :)
> 
> Bucky's got a bad habit of opening up a little and then closing the door when it gets too hard to deal with. The denial is a problem, or should i say pretending he is okay when he isn't. As you can see he's very good at it. 
> 
> It has been a long time, since the previous fic that was, that Bucky actually acknowledged and talked about his time in the hospital, it was a big revelation and a good sign for him that he's opening some doors now. But the fact it took so long so long for him to do it, shows you how difficult these things are for him to discuss so he's got some work to do obviously. 
> 
> He and Steve are about to have a very long talk about what's happened so far, Zola, Zemo, the depression and that thing he's keeping from Steve since Thanksgiving (sorry I dropped that on you, that's how my mind works lol) , and even himself as well. It's gonna take a little work on Steve's part as you can see too. Actually a lot. 
> 
> I did want to write a scene where Bucky did allow Steve to see the scarred shoulder without the arm on. Seeing as how he wouldn't the last time he was there. It's sort of symbolic of opening up and letting him in more after closing him out a bit. He's in a vulnerable state and much more likely to do it. The rest of the time he has a better handle on himself or finds ways of avoidance. But I thought there was a way to break through a little and deal with that. 
> 
> The depression on the other hand is a product of his PTSD and the stress lately had contributed to his setbacks. The main source of which is just starting to get hinted at. Whether Bucky admits to that right away is up in the air though, because they've got a lot to talk about as you can see. But the incident over the Thanksgiving weekend is important, it just may take him a while to get there. Especially without his normal crutches. Bucky is a definitely a tough nut to crack but as Steve pointed out, he's stubborn to try. 
> 
> Btw I love using 'I can do this all day' in this context because this different, harder kind of fight but we all know Steve is up to it right? :)
> 
> I'm expecting the next one to be pretty heavy on the angst part. May require a few extra warning tags due to content. But it will be very much healing in many ways to get all this out there for Bucky. The tentative title is 'Open Wounds' which is sort of book-ended in the 'Scars' title of this one. 
> 
> And once again thank for the comments I appreciate them greatly <3<3<3


	5. Open Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some heavy (impled at mostly) subject matter here so I'm gonna add some extra tags.
> 
> artwork on Tumblr

He wanted a drink. Or 5. Hell even a cigarette. Even after all this time he felt that need. Something to take that edge off. Because there was a lot of edge in him right now. A dangerous amount. 

Steve was adamant about not letting him have anything like that, and wasn’t falling for anything else he tried either. That just made Bucky more pissed, feeling that burn under his skin that had no way out of him except through his words now. He knew it would be better if he just gave in and talked but his stubbornness was winning. Feeling like a rebellious teenager on a tear.

“Let me go Steve.” He hissed at Steve, his eyes boring into his. “Now.”

Steve fingers tightened instead of loosened. “No.” Steve said firmly. “Not until you calm down.”

“Fuck you.” Bucky snarled. “I am calm.”

He knew Steve didn’t by that, could feel the tremble under his skin and see that dangerous look in his eyes as well. His fingers were tight on Bucky’s arms, and he knew it probably leave a mark on his right bicep. That didn’t really bother Bucky, he’d been hurt a lot worse. And Steve left plenty of marks on him, most of them pleasurable. And then there were ones like these, which mostly came from restraint during nightmares or situations like this when he was, well, acting up. It wasn’t the fact that he was doing it, or that it was tight that was making him angrier. It was simply the fact that he wasn’t giving in like he did before.

“You’re angry.” Steve said to him calmly, holding his gaze. “Talk to me.. you’ll feel better.”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” Bucky spat angrily in his face. “Let me go..”

“No.”

That simple no just pissed him off further. He wanted to claw and scratch now. To get a hold of him and draw blood. His metal arm flexed under Steve’s grip, pulsing back in a frightening way. Wanting to cause mayhem. So he tried again in a different way.

“You like this don’t you?” He asked, his tone taking on a sultry tone again. “Just admit it.”

“Admit what?”

“Being in control.” Bucky replied, pushing back a little to get closer to him. “I have to admit punk I kinda like it too..” He saw the way Steve’s eyes flickered slightly at this and smirked. “You look like you wanna punish me..” He brushed his lips over Steve’s, looking him in the eyes with his hooded ones. “I mean I am kinda being bad right?”

He’d done this before, and it usually worked if he pushed hard enough. He felt that burn under his skin increasing and knew he didn’t get an outlet soon it was going to overflow. And sometimes a good angry fuck took care of it. Even though deep down he knew it wasn’t healthy to resort to this to avoid talking. He just fell back on the habit, hoping it would. Hoping anything would work right now. Anything to get him out of this, to put it off a little longer.

“Stop it Buck.” Steve finally said to him, pushing him back a little but still holding onto his arms. “I’m not gonna let you do that anymore.”

Bucky scoffed at this. “Give me a fucking break.” He said dismissively. “You never complained before if I recall.” He gave him angry sneer. “Hell you got off on fucking me into submission remember?” 

He knew he went a bit too far with that, feeling a twinge or regret over saying it, but it was another thing he couldn’t take back. It just hung in the air for a moment. And he knew it stung because Steve actually looked regretful for a moment, all the while loosening his grip slightly.

“I know I have.” He said, his voice softening as well. “But I should’ve stopped it before and that’s on me..” He let his arms go and then put them on his face. “I should’ve taken better care of you and I’m sorry.”

Bucky didn’t know what to do with this turnaround. He expected Steve to just get even more angry at him and just toss him onto the nearest flat surface and go to town on him. He was again shocked by the change in demeanor even he shouldn’t have been after all this time. Wondering if maybe a part of him still actually expected to be hurt like that. How messed up was that?

But he kept pushing because he didn’t know what else to do.

“You could take care of me right now..” He suggested almost desperately. “Or I could… you know.. take care of you.” He let himself fall to his knees right there in front of him, his hands hooking onto his jeans. “Let me..”

“Bucky no..” Steve replied, looking pained, his hands on his face again. “That’s not what I mean.”

“I’ll do how you like Stevie.” He said with a hint of desperation in his voice as he pulled on his jeans a little. “Pull my hair like you like.”

He didn’t even know why he suggested it, it just came out, his head was a bit swimmy and weird on top of being ornery. Steve never pulled his hair when he did that. That was… someone else. Did he really want to punished and hurt like that again? He thought he was done with that but it seemed like he wasn’t and it scared him.

“No.” Steve said again, looking down at him as if he understood this. “We’re not doing that.” 

Bucky let go of him and just let himself fall back on his ass, sitting in the grass and looking up at Steve. He felt angry and lost right now, because now he really didn’t know what to do. _How about talking to him again?_ That voice in his head said, the one that sounded a bit like the Winter Soldier. _That’s an option._ But he was afraid of that too. He pulled his knees to himself and just tried to calm himself instead. To push it back down. But it wasn’t doing any good.

“Well I know it’s gotten bad when you don’t even wanna fuck me.” Bucky mused, chuckling a little as he sat there. “Fucking Christ.”

Steve got down on his knees in front of him, putting his hands on Bucky’s knees. “Oh I always want to.” He said with a wry half smile. “I just want you stop using that to avoid your feelings Buck that’s all.” He gave him a soft look. “Or worse.. to hurt yourself.”

“You know I already got a damn shrink.” He snapped a little at him, feeling defensive at how close he was getting to the truth. “I talk about my feelings enough with her.”

He felt so pent up as he sat there, he started absently scratching his flesh arm with his metal fingers, digging in and scratching it. He barely realized he was doing it, subconsciously needing to let some of that pressure out. It had been a habit over the last month he’d been marginally aware of.

“But you used to talk to me too.” Steve said, his eyes sad as he rubbed his knees comfortingly. “I don’t know why that changed.” He leaned forward a little, getting comfortable on the grass himself. “I just wanna know what happened that’s all.”

Bucky backed away a little from him, still scratching that arm as he did. “Nothing happened.” He tied to argue, knowing he was outright lying now and scratched a little harder. “Just don’t feel like talking.”

He saw Steve’s eyes flicker to his arm, noticing what he was doing now. Those sky-blue eyes widened a little in alarm. “Bucky you’re bleeding.” He said, reaching to take his wrist. “Your arm.”

Bucky looked down and saw that he was right, he’d scratched so hard his arm was bleeding from 2 separate scratches from his metal fingers. Suddenly he felt scared and exposed and pulled his hand away from Steve’s almost violently, holding the shallow cuts against his shirt, staining it a little with red streaks that reminded him eerily of the painting he was working on. He back away slightly on his ass not liking the worried way Steve was looking at him now. As if there was something terribly wrong with him.

“We need to clean it..”

“It’s fine..” Bucky said shortly, almost scrambling to get up and away. “Just a scratch.”

“That you did to yourself Buck.” Steve told him as he got to stop him. “Do you see why I’m worried?”

“I’m fine Steve!” He turned and snapped at him. “It’s not like that..” He bit his lip angrily, just wanting him to leave him alone. To drop it. “Just let it go.”

He could see Steve wasn’t buying that and knew what he was thinking. All he had to do was turn his wrist to see a fain scar where he’d.. hurt himself all those years ago. _Stop lying to yourself about that.._ That voice said in head. _You know what happened then_. For some reason that had left a physical scar when a lot of injuries hadn’t. Almost like an accusation.

That he succumbed this once before.

Which brought him to that other thing. The one he didn’t want to talk about.

To what happened while Steve was away on Thanksgiving weekend. The thing he’d lied to himself so much about, had pushed down so far he almost believed it didn’t happen. Or that it didn’t affect him. He felt the oozing blood and sting on his wrist, not far from the old scar, to remind him that it had affected him. That everything was affecting him.

“I can’t let this go.” Steve said to him, trying to reach for him again. “You’re hurting and you won’t let me help.”

Bucky felt himself fall apart a little inside at that but wouldn’t, couldn’t let himself do that. “I don’t need your help.” He said, wincing a little inwardly at saying that. Because it was yet another lie. “I’m fine.”

He stalked away before he could look at Steve’s reaction to that and went inside, grabbing the pain-killers they’d given him. His shoulder was aching like a bitch and he was shaking from the whole encounter. He opened the bottle and dumped a couple of them into his shaking hand, telling himself he’d take care of those scratches once he was calm enough. _Or you could let Steve help you_.. the Soldier said to him. _Steve loves us._ He shook his head, knowing that voice was right, but he just couldn’t. Was too afraid to open up and spill just how much it hurt.

“How many are those are you supposed to take?” He heard Steve’s voice behind him and whirled around.

“They said I could take 2 as needed.” He said in a low voice, letting a defensive growl creep in. Another lie. They were piling up a bit. “And I need them.” He popped them and washed them down with some water. “Do I need your permission for that too?”

Steve stood with his hands on his hips, glaring at him. “Stop that.”

“Stop what?” Bucky asked haughtily, standing there with his own arms crossed. “You are trying to manage me aren’t you?” He hooded his eyes, turning on the defiance again, anything to continue deflecting. “Don’t worry.. I’ll be back to my normal self in about 5 minutes Captain.”

He saw Steve sigh heavily and then step right up to him again, and thought this was it, he was going do it now, what he wanted him to do earlier and still wanted him to do. But instead of being aggressive thrown onto the bed to ‘handled’ he was sat down in a chair instead, maybe a little harder than Steve intended but still caused the chair to wobble a bit. Bucky looked at Steve, nervous but a little impressed as well.

“What are you gonna tie me to the chair now punk?” He asked, keeping the right amount of hostility and sass in his voice. “Kinky..”

Steve held his shoulders still, looking in his eyes, which Bucky could not seem to read for some reason, and he usually could. “We’re gonna take care of those damn scratches is what we’re goinna do.” He said in response Bucky’s not so subtle innuendo. “So shut the fuck up and let me do it.”

Bucky was confused now, he’d been pushing and pushing for the last hour or so and that usually worked, but it wasn’t now. It was as if Steve had had enough of it, or.. he knew exactly what Bucky was doing and wouldn’t let him succeed in it. It really should not have surprised him as much as it did. And part of him, while still angry, was relieved as well. Relieved at the fact that he was putting his foot down on all this.

“Fine.” He agreed, sitting back in the chair. “You’re the boss.”

Steve shook his head and got up to grab some anti-septic wipes. “I’m not your boss Bucky.” He told him as he sat back down and took his wrist in his hand. “I’m just your husband, I don’t control you.”

“Maybe you should.” Bucky said quietly, watching Steve cleaned the scratches on his arm. “Maybe I need you to.” He sighed and shook his head. “I mean look at the way I’ve been today.”

“What you want me to do Buck?” Steve asked, looking up from what he was doing. “Smack you around like they did?” He trailed his fingers softly over the scratches causing Bucky’s eyes to flutter slightly. “I’d never hurt you like that, and I wish you’d just goddamn realize that and stop trying to push me into it”

He did, he knew Steve wouldn’t hurt him in that way. Any marks he left either for protection or in the heat of passion. Bucky didn’t know why sometimes he still expected punishment for his behavior, he thought he was past that, be realized he wasn’t. Because there were times when he wanted Steve just grab him by the hair and punish him and that disturbed him that he still felt that way.

Right now however, he just felt sore and exhausted.

“I’m tired.” He said quietly, unable to keep his eyes open. “I don’t know why I just am..”

He felt Steve’s arms slide around him and he just laid his head on his shoulder, letting his eyes close He was suddenly so sleepy, most likely from the medication, but also just mentally exhausted as well. He just wanted to sleep now, to retreat into it. It was enticing, a different kind of blackness that was calling him. There were no questions there, no inner voices, no pain, and no bad memories. And most importantly, no guilt. Just peace and quiet and he wanted to be there right now. It was another escape he knew, but he was too damn tired to fight it.

“Alright.” He heard Steve say as he lifted him in his arms. “How about you lay down then?”

Could barely keep his eyes open now, could barely even lift his arms. “Sure thing El Captain..” He mumbled, his voice sounding a bit drunk. “Lead the way..”

He then felt himself put onto the soft bed in the cottage and felt a blanket put over him. And Steve’s arms around his shoulder from behind, making him feel warmer. He forgot he was angry earlier. And all the confusion. All his attempts to keep him away emotionally. The arms around him felt warm and safe and he let himself be held as he fell into that sweet escape of drug-induced sleep.

\--

Bucky was still asleep, a heavy drug-induced nap yet again, when Steve got up. He barely stirred, that’s how heavy he was out, and Steve had had half a mind to check on the dosage, not trusting Bucky saying he was allowed to take 2 at a time. He hated not trusting him like that, but the way he’d been lately, the erratic behavior and coping mechanisms, he couldn’t help it.

He stood by the window, watching a storm start to roll in over the mountains. Seeing lightning in the distance hearing the low rumble of thunder. Feeling a little thunder in his own heart right now.

He was angry, at the situation. At himself for not seeing the signs of a problem earlier. And angry at Bucky for the shit he’d pulling of late. Steve hated admitting the latter, it was easier to think it was something he himself or hadn’t done, or frustration at the situation in general to admit that Bucky’s behavior of late had been hurting him. That he’d some kind of a wall up between them like he had before, not letting him past certain checkpoints. It was an aggravating turn of events if he was being honest with himself.

In therapy and in group, Steve had learned it was okay to feel frustrated, even angry at your partner or loved suffering from mental illness like this. That it was normal to feel that and have patience with them, and yourself because there was always a learning curve to dealing with certain behaviors. But knowing and feeling it were two very different things. The enabler part of him wanted to keep doing it, but had realized over time that it was unhealthy for them both.

It was these two opposing points that caused the most problems.

And the truth was, when Bucky got defiant like he had earlier, had challenged him a on certain level, there was a temptation to give into that challenge. To just throw him down and fuck it right out of him. To punish him in all kinds of was for the defiance. To grab his hair and just have his ways with him, maybe even hurt him a little in the process. That had horrified him on some level, because he never wanted to hurt him like that. But what had also given him pause was the understanding that was what Bucky wanted in the first place. Punishment for his behavior. Debasement. Like they used to do.

That there, and probably always would be, a part of Bucky that wanted that sometimes.

Steve hated them for hurting him like that to the level they had.

But he was also angry because Bucky wouldn’t talk anymore. At least not to him. His therapist knew, and that was fine, but it seemed like Sam knew too. And Sam had made it clear that Bucky had told him not to say anything about whatever it was that had happened that weekend. Which Steve was more and more sure had started this relapse in the first place.

The scratch on Bucky’s arm, indicting the internal pressure he was holding in, had reminded Steve of something he’d hadn’t thought of in a while. Since he’d gotten home that Monday. That Bucky’s knuckles on his right hand had been taped up and had looked bruised as well.

They had been laying in bed after they had finally cooled down and Steve had noticed it and asked him. And even though he’d believed him at the time, the explanation in retrospect, sounded like a lie.

“I went too hard at the bag and earlier and split my knuckle open.” Bucky had said as he’d nuzzled Steve’s chest. “Gotta watch that I guess.”

“Really?” He’d remembered asking, entangling their fingers together so he could kiss said knuckles. “What brought that one?”

He thought he’d seen a shadow go across Bucky’s face at that before he answered. “I dunno I guess I just missed you punk..” He’d said, sliding up a little kiss him. “Was a little sexually frustrated ya know?”

Steve had remembered laughing at that and pulling him to him and had put it out of his mind then. But now that he thought of it, it seemed off in a strange way. He thought he might be being overly paranoid and suspicious now, but Bucky had been off since he’d gotten back. Sam innuendo and Bucky’s reaction to being asked about that weekend had solidified in his mind now.

The storm was getting closer, rain starting to fall and patter on the roof of the cottage. It was at that point that Steve felt Bucky’s arms come around him from behind, and his face nuzzle into the back of his neck. He didn’t react to it, just stood there as if almost ignoring it.

He hadn’t even heard him get up. Bucky had long since mastered the art of being quiet and unnoticed. For a variety of reasons Steve was still learning about. Necessity and safety. And brutal training.

“You’re still mad.” He said softly in Steve’s ear. “I can feel it.”

“I’m not mad.” Steve answered, immediately denying it, even though he knew Bucky was right. “I’m just thinking.”

He felt Bucky’s arms slide up around his shoulders, his face pressing into the back of his neck. “It’s okay to be mad.” He said, his voice muffled against Steve’s back. “I’m an asshole, just admit it.”

Steve smiled at that in spite of himself. “Okay you’re an asshole..”

“There ya go.” Bucky said with a soft chuckle of his own. “I bet that felt better.”

“Yeah it did.” He admitted. “But you know what would feel better?’ He brought his hands up to where Bucky’s wear and entwined their fingers together. “If you just.. let me in again… “ He sighed. “If you trusted me.”

He felt Bucky’s lips press into his shoulder and a slight tremble got through him. “I do trust you.”

“Then why won’t you talk to me?” He asked again. “What did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He heard Bucky say, with a hitch in his voice. “You’re the sane one here remember?” He nuzzled Steve’s neck a little more. “I’m the one with all the screws loose.”

It drove him nuts that Bucky still talked about himself that way. Like some kind of defective machinery. He had an illness that was all, and it was being handled. Even if there were time like this. Times when he wasn’t talking to him, he was, at least talking to someone. And Steve thought maybe that there some jealousy on his part to be mad or resentful about that. But he knew it wasn’t just that, it was what he’d voice earlier, it felt like Bucky didn’t trust him. Or that maybe, he was protecting him from whatever was really going on with him. Neither one were prospects Steve particularly cared for. 

“You used to let me help you put those screws back in.” He said with a heavy sigh. “Now you don’t even tell me when their loose anymore and I don’t know why.”

Bucky seemed hug him a little tighter from behind, and Steve could feel his dog tags pressing into the center of his back. The coolness of the metal going right through his shirt. He could feel the new arm as well, that strangely warm metal as it pressed into his chest. Could feel Bucky’s heart beating through both their shirts. Could feel him shaking as if cold, his face pressed into Steve’s shoulder blade. Wanting to turn around and wrap him up, but waiting on him to open the door again. To extend the branch and let him back in again.

“I’ve burdened you enough.” Bucky said in a much shakier voice now. “I’ve caused you so much pain and I just.. wanted you to be happy..” He seemed to choke up a little. “To not have to worry about me all the time.”

Upon hearing that admission, he turned around, unable to help it anymore and took his face in his hands. Looking into Bucky’s eyes he could see he meant that. Could see he wanted to protect him like he always had. And the idea that he would keep whatever this was to himself so that Steve could stay happy and have stability cut like a knife into his heart. A roll of thunder rolled over their heads but he barely heard, was too occupied with the storm in Bucky’s eyes and the one in his own heart.

“You don’t have to protect me from this.” He told him adamantly. “After everything I’ve watched you go through I can handle the bumps.” His thumbs stroked his face softly. “What I can’t handle is you holding things and hurting yourself to keep me happy.. you get that?”

Bucky nodded, his blue eyes wide, showing a lot of white. His pupils were dilated and Steve wondered if that was an effect of the medication as well as his extreme emotional state. He bit his lip and wrapped his hands around Steve’s forearms as if for balance. He just looked emotionally exhausted and Steve supposed he was.

It took a lot of effort to hold all that pain inside and it had been crushing him.

Suddenly he stepped back, extracting himself from Steve and went to the table where the medication was. He picked the bottle up and Steve became alarmed, thinking he was going to take more. It had after all, only been a few hours. He was about to say something when Bucky walked back over and put the bottle in his hand.

“I lied.. it only says to take one.“ He confessed, biting his lip in a guilty way. “I need to be monitored because.. I can’t be trusted right now.”

Steve looked at him in shock, and then at the bottle, which confirmed this to him. Bucky had taken more than he was advised to take, just like he drank more than he should sometimes. He’d been self-medicating himself to cope with whatever was haunting him. And his look at that moment was guilt-ridden and apologetic about this. And somewhat defeated and Steve knew why too. Because it meant he felt had to relinquish control again, if only for a little while. He’d just said as much.

Still holding the bottle, Steve reached out to touch him and he seemed to back off from it, shaking his head. “You probably shouldn’t do that either.” He added, his eyes still wide, one of his hands running through his hair. “Because if I.. let you touch me… I’ll.. take the easy way out..”

Steve sadly knew what he meant here too. Knew what would happen if he got Bucky in his arms right now. He’d comfort him, let him off the hook. Maybe even take him to bed. And things would happen. And nothing would change. The cycle would continue, and Bucky was at least self-aware enough to know this himself. But it didn’t mean he didn’t feel the pull of wanting to comfort him and ease the pain of what he must be feeling. But Bucky was making it clear he wasn’t going to let that happen. Not this time.

“Then what do you want?” He asked carefully, not moving from where he was. “Tell me and I’ll do it.”

Bucky seemed to struggle with that answer, backing up on his heels a little more. “I don’t know..” He answered, looking down at his hands. “I don’t know..”

Unable to help himself, seeing him struggle like this, Steve took a step forward and Bucky shook his head, lifting his hand before stepping back and going out the door. Into what now sounded like a pretty heavy rainfall. It was a curtain style door, not an actual one, which was the reason Arya couldn’t stay with them and had to be with Wanda right now. But right now, the idea that he was walking out into it was the most pressing concern for Steve so he followed him out.

He saw Bucky, soaked to the bone, with his face tilted up toward the sky. His arms bent at the elbows, hands open as if he was just catching the rain. His eyes were closed, not even reacting to the flashes of lighting. Just standing there and Steve didn’t know what he was doing or why, just knew he looked beautiful and haunted. And in spite of his size, fragile as well.

Thinking the hell with the not being touched thing, he was going to protect him whether he wanted it or not.

He strode up to him and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, ignoring the tenseness when he did. Ignoring the whimper of protest and held him tighter out in the rain. “Steve please..” He stammered, barely audible over the rain. “I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” Steve asked in his ear, his fingers pressing into Bucky’s stomach through his soaked shirt. “Let me hold you?” He nuzzled his neck, feeling him tremble in his arms. “I don’t do what I’m told remember?”

He felt him turn again, his wet body sliding in Steve’s arms effortlessly until he was facing him. He saw Bucky’s hands go to his face, pulling their foreheads together as his own rested on Bucky’s waist. His eyes were open, downcast but picking up the flashes of lightning in them, and Steve could see water droplets on his lips and wanted to kiss them. To kiss him right there and he knew Bucky wanted it too. Wanted to just give in but was fighting it, and hard too.

“You’re one stubborn punk you know that?” He said, his voice just barely audible over the rain. “You make me weak…. Cause I wanna…” His lips brushed Steve’s softly. “Give in to you..”

He pulled him closer, tilting his head a little. “Then give in.” He whispered to him. “It’s okay.”

Bucky seemed to make up his mind and pulled his lips to his, letting his arms wrap around Steve’s neck to pull him closer as he did. Steve left one hand on his back and let his other grab a good handful of Bucky’s wet hair, feeling those beautiful braids under his fingers, and kissed him back with the same urgency. And there was just something beautiful and soft about it, almost innocent and needful. The rain continued to soak them, not that it mattered because they were already drenched. He heard Bucky whimper softly against his lips and just held him closer.

“Steve?” Bucky asked, pulling his lips slightly away to look him in the eyes.

Steve looked back at him, his hand still gently fisting that mess of wet hair. “What Buck?” He replied, nuzzling his face against his. “What is it?”

“If you ask me again I’ll tell you.” He told him, biting his lip. “I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

He nodded and kissed him again softly before answering. “Okay but… we have to go inside jerk.” He whispered against his lips. “And get out of these wet clothes..” His hand rubbed on Bucky’s wet back gently. “Get you warmed up..”

Bucky nodded against his head. “Okay..” He said in a quiet voice, but seemed to lean into Steve at that moment as if unable to stand. “That sounds good.”

But there was still some hesitation, and another kiss by Bucky. Almost as if he was apologizing. And Steve let him, holding their lips together a moment longer before gently pulling him with him. Back inside where it was dry and warm. Where it was safe.

\--

He was wrapped up in the warm blanket, curled up next to Steve, both of them stripped of their wet clothes. Completely naked except for assorted jewelry, such as dog tags, bracelets, rings. The things Bucky never took off. And there was oddly nothing sexual about what they were doing at the moment. Steve was just holding him close to his body, letting feel warm and safe. Comforted.

He didn’t know how much he need just this. Intimacy without expectation.

Bucky lay there with his metal arm wrapped around Steve, still trying to figure out his own mind and bizarre behavior. Knowing that taking too much of his medication had messed with him a bit, making him feel unstable and completely unsteady. He’d taken two doses of two each when he was only supposed to take one each time. Close together too and was surely suffering the side-effects of it now. Steve while being somewhat angry had also been soft and understanding as well. Had just wanted to hold him like this until he was sure he was past the worst of the side-effects.

God he’d behaved terribly, erratic to the point of worry. The scratch on his arm itched like crazy and he had vague memory of doing it. Of trying to release some pressure inside. Had memories of being sexually aggressive as well, wanting to push Steve into ‘correcting’ him. This behavior had been a microcosm of the way he’d behaved in that rough first year of being home. The unstable, erratic behavior and unhealthy coping mechanisms. He was terrified he was relapsing even worse. Wondering he’d snap again and start waking up as the Winter Soldier all over again. Even thought that voice in his head assured him that was not happening.

_We are one.._ it said calmly in his head. _We are safe, there is no need._

Bucky trembled and buried his face into Steve’s neck, holding him a little tighter. Jumble memories played in his head and he couldn’t stop them from coming and overwhelming him. Breaking apart that tentative hold he’d had on himself.

The bad things always came back when he felt low like this.

Pain. Torture. Guilt. The feeling of his mind being broken over and over again. The way the saw felt as it cut through bone. The way the concrete floor felt under his knees as his hair was grabbed violently. Blood running between his fingers and the smell of burning flesh. Death.

Zola’s mocking face on the computer screen.

Zemo’s smug voice asking how his mental health was going these days…

That book sitting on the desk like an accusation. And the horrifying truth it held inside it.

The blackness on the edge of his mind. The nothingness that he’d felt the cold from lately. Creeping up into his daily life again, threatening to take over on the worst days.

And of course.. that message on his phone that Friday morning. The one that was still on it because he didn’t let himself erase it. It had all caught up to him finally. It was gonna burst out of him if he didn’t talk. If he didn’t let it out then it would all happen again and his mind could not take another break like that. It simply couldn’t.

“Bucky?” He heard Steve ask, his hand embedded in Bucky’ s hair, the other one wrapped around him. “Tell me what happened.. please.”

He nodded against Steve’s neck and pulled back a little to look in his eyes. Needing to be steadied. To find the courage to confess finally. And let everything fall where it was.

“I had a… a message on my phone the morning you left..” He started, swallowing hard. “I missed the call..” He laid his head against Steve’s and tried to hold his gaze. “I was too late..”

** _A month ago_ **

_It had been a busy week, more than usual for him so he supposed he could forgive himself for missing a few things. Not that he would however. Guilt was a familiar feeling for him. Although it had been better lately. _

_It was the last week of classes before the semester ended and he had been swamped with research and papers and such. He had also been busy at the VA as well, attending groups with Sam and helping out. There was an increase during the holidays because many vets had a rough time during those. And he was busy planning and working out the details for the annual Thanksgiving dinner as well for those that didn’t have families or homes to go to on the holidays. He had a lot on his plate, as did Steve, who had work at the compound and a weekend Avengers recruitment event on the West Coast that he had to attend. _

_They did not see a lot of each other except in the morning and late evening, but Steve had promised they’d make up for it next week when it all calmed down. Most of the time they ended falling asleep on the couch together which had caused amusement on both their parts. _

_“We’re like a couple of old men punk.” He’d mused, yawning and nuzzling Steve’s nose. “Falling asleep early..” _

_“Well jerk we are both over a hundred.” Steve reminded him, pulling him closer. “But you’re still one hot old bastard just saying.” _

_Bucky had grinned as they’d started to fool around a little, but they hardly ever got past second or third base before one of them passed out. Bucky had recalled many instances of waking up with one of his books open on Steve’s chest, the latter of whom was snoring away, and a cat resting on their feet. It feel so wonderful and domestic. _

_Things had been good, and he’d had his illness mostly under control at this point, with only minor flair-ups. Which was why it was so devastating when it fell apart on him again. _

_The dinner, which was at midday, had gone off without a hitch, a lot of the supplies including at least 20 turkeys, had been donated with the help of the Stark Foundation, for which Bucky was grateful. Even though Tony had tried to pass it off as a ‘tax write-off’ he knew it was just because he was decent guy in general and wanted to help. Hell he and the rest Avengers actually made an appearance. Which was a hit with the people who’d been there. _

_Bucky had noticed a few regulars hadn’t shown up, but at the time he’d chalked it up to other plans made. One of them was a guy named Danial who’d connected with Bucky, they’d in fact had several one-on-one conversations and had met for lunch on occasion when the latter was having a rough time. He’d been through it, a POW himself who’d suffered some personal losses at home and Bucky had liked him and given him his number if he ever needed to talk. He’d done that with a few others too, starting to use his new training and his own experiences to try and establish some lifelines with others. It had been something he’d particularly proud of himself for doing. _

_And honestly it had helped him heal too, to be able to start helping others in a real way. _

_Bucky had hoped his absence had meant he’d patched things up with his remaining family and put it out of his head for the time being. Focusing on helping and serving food and just spending his holiday helping others. He knew what it was like to have nothing and was happy to give back, even if it was in small ways like this. _

_Once they’d gotten home, he was tired, but not tired enough to enjoy the free time he had with his husband before the latter left the next morning. It had been forever since they’d had any real alone time and they took full advantage of it. Barely getting in the door before they were pulling each other’s clothes off until they were on the large couch, having their own holiday celebration. _

_Their phones were on vibrate, they didn’t want any interruptions at that moment. _

_He’d remembered digging his fingers into Steve’s shoulders, his legs wrapped around his hips and just hollering out his pleasure, getting plowed so hard he swore he could taste him in his mouth. It had been nearly week since they’d gotten to that point and for them that was eternity. And it hadn’t taken long for him to cum. At least the first time that was. _

_“Damn I missed that punk..” He’d gasped, his eyes barely open as he lay under him. “Shit..” _

_“Uh huh..” Steve had answered, chewing on Bucky’s neck deliciously. “Now I’m thinking I should probably feed you..” He lifted his head and smiled at him. “Keep your energy up because..” He caught Bucky’s lips again. “It’s gonna be a… busy night.. for you..” _

_Bucky had just moaned in aquiessence, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck, ready for anything really. _

_Steve was damn good on his word on that, it was a hell of a night and when they’d finally exhausted themselves completely, it had been about 1 am. Steve wrapped Bucky in his arms, nuzzling his hair and lamenting that he had to be up by 7am to get the plane that morning. _

_“But it was worth it.” He’d whispered into Bucky’s now messed up hair. _

_“Yeah..” He had agreed as he was drifting off. “Might get me through the weekend at least..” _

_The next thing he remembered was Steve kissing him goodbye that morning as he was curled up naked under the warm blankets. Mumbled ‘I love yous’ and all that shit and he’d curled back up under the covers with Arya next to him and slept for a least 4 more hours. He’d definitely needed the rest. _

_He left his phone on vibrate. _

_When he’d finally woken up and checked his it, he’d found a few messages. A text from Wanda asking if he was still up for lunch Saturday. A hilarious meme from Sam. There was nothing from Steve yet because he likely hadn’t landed yet, but there was one from someone else. His friend from the VA. Daniel. He’d left a voice-mail the night before. Bucky immediately pulled it up and listened to it. _

_He had said basically that he was having a bit of a rough time and asked if maybe they could get together sometime this weekend. Bucky of course called him back immediately and left a message saying that they sure could. He didn’t think anything of the fact that didn’t answer, although a part of him was concerned. Figured he was sleeping. At least hoped he was, and wasn’t out drinking because he had some problems with that. He’d try again later. _

_Bucky had full plans to spend all of Black Friday, which to him was a stupid waste of time, at home relaxing with the cat but if someone needed him for a talk, he would certainly change his plans. He knew what it was like to have bad days and wanted to make sure others had lifelines if needed. So he kept his options open that day, ordering and picking up some stuff for lunch, doing a little painting and housework and spent some quality time with his adorable furry daughter. It felt good to just do this. Amelia had said quiet time was good for him, it was one of the reasons he’d elected not to go with Steve to LA this weekend. _

_Time apart was good too. Functioning on his own was good. He had the truck, because the weather wasn’t conducive for his bike, so he could go wherever he wanted, do whatever he wanted. Be independent and he rather liked it. _

_He tried calling Daniel back later in the afternoon but still got voicemail. It concerned him, considering the tone of his voice in his message, but he wouldn’t let his worry overtake him. Not yet. _

_Friday passed into Saturday and he still hadn’t heard from him. He’d heard from Steve plenty. A phone call or two, some texts with eyerolls showing boredom on occasion. A lot of ‘I miss you boo bear’ and shit like that. Counteracted by Sam’s ‘hey asshole’ texts. And Wanda’s cute cat memes of course. His phone was busy that was for sure. _

_Midday he went and picked up Wanda, who along with Sam, had gotten out of the weekend trip by factor of being ‘Junior Avengers’ as Wanda had called it with an eyeroll once. They got lunch and went bowling, which was such a basic activity for people of their notoriety. Not that Bucky got much attention in New York anymore. They were over that for the most part. A few jerks of course, but most didn’t notice him anymore and that was good. It made him feel somewhat normal. _

_When he’d got home from that he’d gotten a phone call, but not from who he’d expected. It was from Sam and that worried him, because he never called, he usually texted. At first Bucky’s anxiety had gotten the better of him, thinking something had happened to Steve. He calmed himself with the knowledge that A) Steve had just texted him not even an hour ago and B) He, not Sam, was Steve’s emergency contact. He’d get the first call. But the fact that Sam called him at all was unsettling because that couldn’t be good. _

_“Meet me at the diner.” Sam said his voice heavy. “We need to talk.” _

_Bucky had agreed, feeling that knot in the pit of his stomach at this and grabbed the keys to the truck, a quick turnaround it seemed. His mind turned with what could be so important that Sam needed to tell him in person. A thousand different ideas went through his head as he drove. _

_When he got there, they’d ordered coffee and Sam seemed to take a minute before finally just telling him the news and things had.. changed after that. _

_“Something like shouldn’t be told over the phone..” He’d started, his hands folded on the table. “They found Daniel.. He must’ve gotten pretty drunk and they.. think it might’ve been self-inflicted.” _

_The world seemed to go hazy and out of focus as he tried to process the information. He remembered looking at his phone, numb and in shock, pulling up the message on it. His hand shook, causing the screen to blur a little. He felt sick all of sudden. He’d called him. He’d asked for help and he had… missed the call.. Because he left his phone on vibrate._

_“When?” He asked, his mouth dry, voice raspy. “When did it happen?” _

_“Sometime yesterday or last night.” Sam explained, looking concerned at him. “Why?” _

_“He called me early Friday morning.. asked if we could talk..” Bucky said absently. “I was… asleep.. I tried to call him back but..” _

_“Barnes I know what you’re thinking and don’t do that to yourself.” Sam told him, leaning forward more. “There was nothing you could’ve done.” _

_“Yes there was.” He argued, giving Sam a pained look. “I could’ve answered the damn phone.” _

_“Maybe you should call Steve?” Sam suggested. “He could come home early.. I don’t think you should be yourself right now.” _

_Bucky had felt defensively angry at this. “I’m not a damn child I don’t need supervision.” He snapped a little. “I can handle this.. I’m not disrupting his trip.” _

_“Well if you’re not gonna call him then call Amelia.. you gotta talk to someone.” _

_He was in such emotional turmoil he knew Sam was right, but he was just too damn stubborn to admit it. There were all kinds of reasons to call Steve. He did need him, needing his arms around him to calm him and hated himself for it. Thinking he should be able to handle this. And he didn’t want to worry him, to disrupt his life any more than he had. He had to handle this without him. He had to. There was no reason to get him involved. He was a grown man he should be able to take care of himself._

_He was even a little resistant to call Amelia but knew he would. Hating the fact that he was still this broken that he couldn’t keep his shit together. _

_“Fine..” He agreed reluctantly. “I’ll call her tomorrow..” _

_“Maybe I should come over.” Sam observed. “I don’t like the way you look right now.. you shouldn’t be by yourself. “ _

_“I don’t’ need a goddamn babysitter.” He snapped again, his hands clenching into firsts. “I’ll be fine.” _

_Sam put his hands up in peace. “If you say so.” He replied. “But my phones on you got that?” _

_Bucky had gotten in the truck, barely remembering his drive. He remembered stopping at the Brooklyn Bridge and just sitting there in the car, staring blankly at the Manhattan skyline. Feeling a creeping darkness at the edge of his vision. And voice he hadn’t heard in a long time as well. The heckering, taunting voice that started whispering horrible things to him again. Telling him he was worthless, nothing. Mocking him by asking him that question that was haunting him now. _

_Did you really think you were good enough to help people? You can’t. You can’t even help yourself. _

_He played the voicemail again. Just like he’d read that note over and over again. To punish himself. _

_He barely remembered driving home. Parking the truck in the garage. His head was in a dark space and he knew it. Coinciding with sharp pain he knew he needed to dull the edges of. Fighting the insane urge to go to the Bodega and get a pack of cigarettes and smoke the whole damn thing. Fighting it hard. Instead he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and sat at the table, drinking the whole damn thing down without much of break. And then drank another after. _

_He of course promptly threw up in the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door, because no one else was home. Standing up weakly he went to the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. Seeing his eyes, red-rimmed and haunted. Showing too much damn white. Remembering that time he’d done this at the lake. He’d had a razor blade in his hand and had cut his wrist. Feeling this same horrible darkness in him then too. Recalling the other times he’d tried it, while in Romainia, while in captivity. He would never do that again but.. he felt that same emptiness right now. That same fear. _

_He’d known what Daniel must’ve been feeling in those last moments. Because he’d been in that that headspace too. Multiple times. In Romainia he’d sat in the tub with knife against his own throat and hadn’t known what had stopped him then. In captivity, after he’d broken and killed his tormentor, he’d tried to smash his head into the wall or strangle himself with his chains, but they wouldn’t even let him have that choice. _

_At the lake it had been Steve. He’d been the reason he’d chosen not to die so many times he’d realized. But he realized that someone like Danial hadn’t had anything like that. Not anymore. Except Bucky’s number and he’d called him, and he hadn’t answered. He’d failed him. And the guilt of that was enough was enough to cause a surge of self-inflicted anger at himself. _

_He was vaguely aware that his right hand, not his metal one, had balled into a fist and before he could stop himself, he’d swung at his own face in the mirror, and had hit it several times, smashing itt, cutting his hand open in the process. Shards went everywhere, all over the sink, the floor, a few embedded in his flesh no doubt. _

_Bucky stood there, shocked at himself, seeing the blood running over his knuckles, the pieces of the mirror all over the sink and just shook. He’d just hurt himself in anger. He could’ve used his metal hand for this but a part of his mind had chosen this one instead. It frightened him, making him realize just how fucked up he was right now. _

_Grabbing a cloth, he wrapped his hand in it and backed away from the sink until his back was against the opposing wall. He slid down, sitting there holding his hand and shaking hard. Call Steve.. he heard the Soldier, a friendly, yet concerned voice now. We need Steve._

_But he couldn’t. He couldn’t put him through this anymore. He’d already put him through so much as it was. He felt so weak, so guilty he couldn’t. Steve deserved to have a life, not to be stuck here taking care of him. _

_Suddenly he felt a little furry body rub up against his leg and he looked to see a pair of bright green eyes staring at him. He swore there was concern in them to go with the unconditional love that only a pet could give. It caused the pain to fall out of him, and he let go of his bleeding hand long enough to pick her up with his metal one and let her curl up in his lap. Let her comfort him. Holding his still bleeding hand he managed to hug her to him and sat just like that, sobbing softly in the bathroom. _

_Once he’d gotten himself and got his bleeding hand under control he fished his phone out of his pocket and called Sam. It was pretty early Sunday morning when he did. And the other man had come right away. Finding Bucky with a hastily wrapped hand, trying to clean the glass off the bathroom floor. Sam had his own key for circumstances just like this. _

_“Looks like you handled it just fine.” He noted, the slight air of sarcasm masking his obvious concern._

_“Shut the fuck up.” Bucky snapped back, but with no real animosity in it. “Can you just give me a hand?” _

_Sam did help him, getting most of the glass off the floor and cleaning out the cuts on Bucky’s knuckles, which fortunately hadn’t needed stitches. Bucky had sat with the cat in his metal arm, to keep her from cutting her paws on the glass, and had allowed this as well, feeling grateful and exhausted at the same time. _

_“I need a new mirror for the bathroom now.” Bucky mused with a little chuckle. _

_“Maybe we can go out and get one.” Sam had suggested. “And after I put it up, you and me are gonna go get a beer and talk okay?” _

_Bucky didn’t argue with him, his head was in too much turmoil at that moment. Grateful that Sam was helping him right now. His phone buzzed, Steve was calling and he shot a guilty look at Sam and answered it, trying to figure out if he should tell him about this or not. He elected not to. _

_Putting on his best ‘everything is fine’ voice, Bucky listened to Steve prattle on about what was going on there. Just feeling comforted to hear his voice right now. To know that somewhere Steve was annoyed with Tony and having fun. It was all he wanted for him. To enjoy himself and not have to worry. So he didn’t worry him. _

_“Love you boo bear.” He heard Steve say over the phone and struggled to not get emotional. “Be home tomorrow.” _

_“Counting on it.” Bucky said, keeping the emotion out of his voice. “And I love you too punk.” _

_When he hung he looked at Sam guilty again. Hoping he understood why couldn’t tell him. _

_“You need to tell him.” _

_“I know..” Bucky said with a heavy sigh. “Just.. not yet.” _

Not yet turned into almost a month. And other stresses heaped onto it. Pushing this original stressor to the back burner and he almost convinced himself that it hadn’t happened. That he hadn’t broke down like that. But he couldn’t deny it anymore and here he was.

“I should’ve told you and.. I’m sorry..” He stammered, burying his face in Steve’s neck, childishly expecting him to be mad. “I just.. couldn’t.”

He curled up into his arms, feeling weak and broken, sobbing softly into his shoulder.

\--

Steve had listened to the whole story, putting pieces together he had wondered about for a while. Bucky’s excuse about his knuckles, the changed demeanor after that. Hell if he’d thought about it, the mirror had looked newer but at the time he hadn’t been looking for those things.

He’d remembered the way Bucky had jumped on him the minute he’d come home, and the truth was he so pre-occupied with the gorgeous brunette in his arms he hadn’t noticed the way his eyes had been slightly off. The almost urgent way Bucky had pulled him to bed. Chalking it up to being missed.

Bucky had often acted like that when he was trying to avoid something and now Steve was realizing he should’ve seen it. But he had believed or wanted to believe he was okay. Until the anxiety attack at the compound and the stressors that followed that was. He kicked himself for not seeing it sooner. He would’ve put his foot down and pushed their Germany trip back a few months, in spite of what Bucky wanted, if he had known he’d had that breakdown then.

He wrapped his hand around Bucky’s head and kissed it, feeling the child-like way he was clutching him. Like he expected to be reprimanded or something. Like he’d done something wrong. He had by not telling him about this, but he wasn’t going to reprimand when he was like this. The questioning could come later when Bucky was stronger and more stable.

He wasn’t off the hook about the secrecy and the lying but for now he needed understanding more than anything else.

“Well you told me now.” He whispered into his hair. “That’s what matters.”

Bucky’s metal arm seemed to clamp a little tighter around his back. “Aren’t you mad?”

“Why? Because you broke the bathroom mirror?” Steve asked in a slightly teasing tone. “I wanted to get a new one anyways. Didn’t like the old one.”

He thought he felt Bucky smile a little against his neck. “No stupid that I lied to you all this time.”

“It doesn’t matter right now Buck.”

“Are you sure about that?” Bucky asked, lifting his head. “You got a right to whatever you feel and I wanna know what that is punk.” His teal blue eyes seemed to search Steve’s. “Just be honest, I can take it.”

Steve debated on whether he should answer the question now or save it for another time. He knew that Bucky wouldn’t buy it if he lied so he decided to just say it and clear the air. Since they were both confessing and all. Maybe they had needed this cleansing today.

“Yeah I am.” He admitted, trailing his fingers over Bucky’s still sensitive scar tissue thoughtfully. “I’m mad because it feels like you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.” He looked back up in his eyes again. “That you felt you needed to hide it.. that every time I asked what was wrong you’d shut me down. That you’d rather drink a bottle of something than talk to me.”

Bucky seemed to nod his head and lean it against Steve’s. “And?” He asked softly, his metal fingers trailing over Steve’s back, knowing there was more to be said.

“That you think you have to do it on your own now.” Steve continued, letting the emotion flow into his voice. “That you still sometimes act like you’re alone and that you let yourself suffer in silence for my benefit.” He wrapped his hand around Bucky’s head, his fingers digging into his hair and gripping tightly. “It makes me angry Buck. It makes me so angry. At them for hurting you but also at you for letting them continue to do it.”

He could see Bucky’s eyes glassy with tears and pain again and could feel his own eyes stinging as well. But it felt like such a catharsis to just grip his hair hard and make him listen. To keep telling him these things until they finally sunk in.

“If you’re trying to protect me Buck then stop hurting yourself inside.” He told him, his voice choked with emotion. “Because that hurts me more than anything.”

Bucky’s face seemed to come apart at this and he threw his arms around Steve’s neck, pulling him to him and burying his face in his hair. Steve felt those precious lips press into his head as he seemed to curl around him and hold him now. Steve buried his face against that place where metal met flesh and let him do it.

“I’m sorry punk.” He heard him say into his hair, voice choked with emotion. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

Steve just held onto him, his fingers still in Bucky’s hair, the other wrapped around his back, sitting up on the bed now so they could hold each other properly. Bucky sat above him, arms around Steve’s neck, face still buried in his hair, legs still wrapped around his hips now. Steve took a heavy relieved sigh and let the vulnerability of the moment sink in.

“I forgive you jerk.” He whispered into his shoulder. “I always will.”

Bucky pulled back, still keeping his arms loped around Steve’s neck. “You’re too good.” He said as he nuzzled his face against Steve’s. “You shouldn’t let me off the hook that easy.” He bit his lip in that cute way. “I don’t deserve it.”

The fact that he still said that sometimes irked him. Made him sad and mad in all kinds of way. He got a better grip on his hair and looked up hard into his eyes. “Don’t say that...” He growled to him, letting those feelings show. “It pisses me off when you say that.”

It was a possessive grab on him that he had now, and he could tell Bucky saw it as well. Saw the way the tone affected him, brought that look in his eyes. Their lips brushed together softly and Steve felt the urge to put him down on the bed and show him exactly what he deserved. But he held back for a moment. Waiting on him.

“Why does it piss you off?” Bucky asked, his eyes hooded, “Tell me.”

Steve used his other arm to pull him closer so they were more pressed together now. He could feel Bucky’s tags pressing into his own chest, the only thing between them. That cool metal chain as well the difference between the metal on his shoulder and the rest of him. Felt that possessiveness again as well. Born out of protectiveness and deep love.

“Because you deserve the world darlin..” He said with that same growl, his fingers tightening his hair. “That’s why..”

He pulled his lips to his in a crushing kiss, as if to prove it to him. He could feel Bucky’s arms tighten around his neck as their tongues tangled deeply in their mouths. It was full of love and desire. And safety as well. He could feel Bucky whine softly deep in his throat as Steve tugged his hair a little more causing him to angle his head and go even deeper. They were breathless but kept going just the same.

After a while, Bucky pulled back, his skin flushed and his lips swollen. Looking beautiful and somewhat torn at that moment. “What is it?” He asked him, his fingers loosening their grip on his hair for the moment. “Are you okay?”

“No I’m just…I..” Bucky seemed to struggle with his words. “I want you… but I’m not sure it’s.. for the right reason.. you know?” He bit his swollen lip again. “I’m all messed up inside and…”

He could seem to finish his thought, but Steve knew what he meant. It would be easy to just toss him down on the bed and do what he pleased. And part of him still wanted to do that. To just take control and give into that possessiveness but the other part of him knew that Bucky was unsure of his own motivations right now.

He nodded for Bucky to go on, seeing if he could find the words for what he was feeling right now. And after a while he did. “I feel like there’s a part of me that.. wants you to punish me.” He admitted, looking. down at him. “Wants you to take me and.. hurt me a little because that’s what I deserve for… lying to you and.. the way I’ve treated you.”

“What?” Steve asked incredulously. “Bucky you didn’t-“

Bucky put his fingers to his Steve’s lips to stop him from saying anymore. “Let me finish punk.” He told him, not unkindly. “I use you sometimes.. and I just wanna make sure I’m not doing that now.” He seemed to search himself. “And the truth is I don’t know… I really don’t.”

Steve knew Bucky did this sometimes, just as he knew he used alcohol and other methods as well and felt relieved that he was becoming aware of it. But he didn’t want him so overly cautious that he didn’t allow himself what he wanted either. He wanted him to be confident in his decisions too. Whatever they were. To not doubt himself like he had been clearly doing for a while now.

“Whatever you want is fine with me.” He reassured him, letting his fingers stroke his hair again.

“Yeah but maybe I shouldn’t be making certain decisions right now.” Bucky countered. “I haven’t been making good ones lately..”

He put his hands on Bucky’s face now. “We’re not just talking about that now are we?” He asked carefully, looking his eyes for confirmation. “Tell me the truth.”

Bucky nodded. “I abused the pain-killers, drank too much, lied to you.” He told him, looking down at the scratch on his arm. “Hurt myself.. again…” He closed his eyes painfully. “All because I couldn’t cope with everything.. I’m not exactly trustworthy when it comes to making decisions right now that’s all.”

“Well if you don’t trust yourself then trust me..” Steve told him, holding him as close as possible. “You do right?”

“Yeah.” He heard Bucky say as he buried his face into Steve’s neck again. “Of course I do punk.”

Steve nuzzled his face into Bucky’s hair and then put his lips to his ear. “Then tell me what you need right now.” He asked in a gentle voice. “What can I do to help?”

“This.” Bucky whispered into his neck, still shaking a little. “Just this.. please.”

He just wanted to be held, seeming to curl a little into his arms as he sat there. Didn’t want to do anything else but this. Didn’t trust himself enough. And Steve thought that was just fine. He let his hand run softly over the scars on his left shoulder, knowing that shoulder hurt like hell right now, that the medicine had most likely worn off but Bucky wasn’t going to ask for any more considering how many he’d taken earlier. But he didn’t deserve to be in pain either.

“Do you need some medication?” He asked him, rubbing that shoulder gently. “Cause I know it hurts.”

“I think I’ve had enough today.” Bucky replied, nuzzling into Steve’s neck a little more.

“In moderation its fine okay?” He told him, lifting his head gently. “You don’t need to suffer, even if you think you deserve to jerk you got that?”

Bucky nodded and laid his against Steve’s shoulder as he reached for the medicine and the nearby bottle of water. He gave one to Bucky and then bottle to wash it down with. Knowing he should probably get him some food too, he hadn’t eaten much today, but he didn’t seem in any shape to get up either. He’d humor him on that for now.

He laid him down and they got comfortable again, Bucky seeming to tuck his flesh arm between them and wrap his metal one around Steve’s back as he curled himself into Steve’s arms. It was amazing how small he could make himself sometimes considering how he wasn’t that small at all, only a couple inches shorter than Steve. But Steve knew if Bucky wanted to do it he could. And sometimes Bucky wanted tob be just that. And to Steve there was something precious about this. About how vulnerable he would allow himself to be in these moments.

After a while he spoke, when the medication started taking effect. “He had a wife.. she was everything to him.” He heard Bucky say, his flesh fingers curled on Steve’s chest. “He lost her and I guess he just.. couldn’t deal with all those other things if she wasn’t there...and he gave up..” The metal fingers seemed to grip Steve’s back now. “And I thought.. when I was on the floor that day.. that if I lost you I would end up like that too and… I got scared..”

Steve heard that confession and just wanted to wrap him up tighter and assure him that wasn’t going to happen but he knew there was no way he could assure that either. After everything, including watching him fall off a train, Steve knew was never any guarantees on anything. It would be an empty promise. So he just pressed his lips to Bucky’s head and held him tighter, knowing he just needed to confess right now. To be heard.

“I mean who else would put up with all my shit but you punk..” He continued, nestling his head under Steve’s chin. “I’m just a fucked up grumpy old bear.”

Steve actually smiled at that, rubbing his face into Bucky’s hair. “I do love my grumpy old bear.” He told him, letting his fingers trail over those braids that were still in his hair even now. “I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

The earlier rain had slowed down to a minor beat on the roof and it was brightening a little through the window. It was late afternoon now, still a lot of day left but he wasn’t planning on doing anything for now. Just lay here with him and let him sort things out. He’d had a rough week, hell a rough month and Steve knew his head was a mess again. So he fully planned on monitoring him for a little bit, not to the point of smothering, but just to make sure he was taking care of himself the right way.

After what seemed like a long silence Bucky finally spoke again. “So what do you want for Christmas punk?” He asked, shifting slightly next to him. “If we ever get home that is.”

The question surprised him because he’d almost forgotten Christmas was in a few days. And he knew why Bucky wanted to get some so badly now. That it wasn’t just an obligation but a way to reach out to maybe provide that lifeline that he’d thought he missed with Danial. He was dedicated to this idea of helping others who were struggling like he was, and Steve felt a swell of pride at that. About how far he’d come since he’d come home.

“I don’t need anything.” He told him, lifting his chin to look in those beautiful teal colored eyes, which hardly seemed real but where. “I got everything I want right here.”

Bucky shook his head, and Steve was happy to see real humor in them. “You’re such a goober.” He said and nuzzled his nose against Steve’s, his metal hand lifting to his cheek. “And you own my damn soul.. how the hell did that happen?”

Steve smiled and kissed him softly, with no urgency. Bucky didn’t want that right now. Was grounding himself in a sense, until he was sure of himself again. But it didn’t stop him from fisting a handful of that gorgeous brown hair, still subconsciously trying not to wreck those braids just yet. He still held it as he pulled his lips away and laid his head against Bucky’s.

“I am serious though.” He said quietly. “All I want is for you to feel better.. that’s all.”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to get a little shiny at that and he tucked his back into Steve’s neck as if to hide a little. Not that he could. “I’ll try.” He whispered into his neck. “I promise.”

Steve nodded and kissed his head again, wrapping him tight. “That’s all I want.”

And he just held him like that for a while, letting him work it out. Knowing soon they’d be back home with Arya. That it would be Christmas. At home with his family. He couldn’t think of anything better than that.

“By the way.” He whispered to him, smiling into his hair again. “You’re hair looks nice jerk.”

He heard Bucky chuckle tiredly. “You can thank Wanda.” He told him. “I think I’m her favorite doll or something.”

“Well..” He said and kissed him softly again. “You’re beautiful enough to be one.”

Bucky smiled against his lips. “Dork..”

Steve didn’t answer, just continued to kiss him, his fingers trailing over those braids, content to just do this for now. Just touch and kiss him. It was what he needed right now that was good enough for Steve.

\--

Steve had eventually decided they needed some food and went to get some. At first he seemed reluctant to leave Bucky by himself in the state he was in, which was both a little annoying and very endearing at the same time to Bucky.

“Go ahead punk.” He reassured him, giving him a gentle push. “I’m not gonna fall apart in the 10 minutes you’re gone.”

Steve gave him a soft grin and kissed him right between the eyes. “You sure about that?”

“Yeah dumbass I’m sure.” He sassed, making like he was going to swat him. “I’ll be fine.”

He did, just to be cautious, insist that Steve take the pill bottle with him just in case he got tempted. He didn’t trust himself with good reason. He was already feeling an itch to dull his senses and thought it was good to remove the temptation. Steve seemed to silently agree with this, stuffing the bottle in the pocket of his jeans.

“Any requests?” He asked Bucky, leaning over Bucky as he still sat on the bed, not dressed yet.

“You know what I like by now punk.” Bucky told him, getting a loose handful of Steve’s shirt. “So surprise me.”

“Okay.” He’d replied and gave him a kiss, before stepping back and looking his eyes. “I won’t be long.. promise.”

“Yeah yeah.” Bucky teased, giving him another playful shove. “Get out of here…”

Now that he was dressed and sitting on the bed, he let his gaze turn to the covered up painting he’d been working on, off and on, for a week now. He averaged about one of these every few weeks and had come to find it very therapeutic. He’d taken pics of the ones he’d finished and showed them to Amelia in their sessions, and she’d told him it really helped assess where he was at that particular point. That he was emotionally expressive in his painting and his writing, in the ways that his words often failed him. In other words, his art said what he couldn’t often say and that was a great thing.

Like this painting for instance.

There was a lot of black and a lot of red jagged lines. The colors were harsher and the edges more jagged indicating turmoil and emotional struggles. When he was going good, everything was softer. Lighter. He had plenty of paintings around the house of Arya and Steve and others that were like that. But his self-portraits tended to be the other way. Like this one.

Like what Wanda had said that morning, it’s what he was feeling right now.

He got up and pulled the cover off, seeing the red streaks and looking at the t-shirt he’d been wearing when he scratched himself and the streaks of blood on it, and was disturbed the similarities there. And the webby type likes of demarcation, which reminded him of the broken glass in the bathroom mirror. The eyes of the picture were wide, pupils dilated, showing a lot of white. Fear. Like he’d felt at the compound when that picture of Zola popped up and he suddenly could not breathe properly.

And lets not forget the red edges, almost like flames rising up. Like the anger coming off of him when he sat in front of Zemo and listened to him deflect. Listened to him talk about using him like a pawn. Remembering how he’d fought back the urge to just grab him and squeeze until blood came out of his neck. Like he’d done to that other one. The one who’d abused him for so long. 

And the blackness surrounding the edges, like that cold abyss of dark depression that consumed him then, and threatened to now. The reason he didn’t want to let that out anymore. He’d felt it creeping on him in the bathroom. At home and at the lake, the one that called to him and said it would easier to just give in. To stop fighting. That it would be quiet there, all the voices would stop. All pain would stop. But that voice lied too because Bucky knew what else was there.

Nothing at all. He’d rather feel the pain than feel that ever again.

He stood in front of the painting, staring into it like he had so many others. And sometimes if he concentrated hard enough he could almost go in, like he used to. When he was still split in two. It took more work these days, because even though that door had been sprung wide-open and the light had illuminated the dark rooms inside, it was still a fearful place sometimes. He supposed this place always would be.

He could see the darkness on the edge of the hallway, like a black hole that sucked all the light into it. It was what he was most afraid of now, that if he stepped even partly in it would suck him in into and never let him out. And then he’d end up like Daniel. Permanently inside.

Amelia had told him depression was part of it, was part of his illness he had to learn to cope with too. But always to remember that even in the worst of it, he had light, he just had to find it. To reach for it. He had Steve and Arya. He had Wanda and Sam. And others now as well who loved him. There was always a lifeline, always a way out.

He stared at himself in the painting, knowing his negative view of himself right now was just a part of this. If he could just let himself feel all of it, not numb or distract himself he could get through it. But it was hell on him to consider it. To go turkey and let those raw nerves in his head scream the pain out again in a healthy way. Even if it meant going without a few things for a while.

So he could learn to control it, so it wouldn’t hurt him or anyone around him anymore.

So he sat there on the chair, facing the painting, feeling his hands shake, feeling a full body tremble as the fire ran rampant through his nerve endings. Like the electric charges they used to send through his body. He concentrated on it as it burned through his body, leaving a tingling numbness in its wake.

And then he opened the paint box and picked up the brush and started painting again. Tempering the red with some yellow, making a pretty orange around the profile in the painting. It seemed right.

Bucky was so immersed in what he was doing that he didn’t even hear Steve come back, was in that trance-like haze of creativity that he had grown to love. It was another safe warm place that seemed far from where he’d been.

He felt Steve’s hands gently on his shoulders and tensed only slightly in surprise before allowing the touch. His hands always cooled his dangerous fire and created a new one at the same time. One that was like a drug he had to be careful of Od’ing on as well.

“Don’t forget to put that blue in your eyes..” He heard him whisper in his ear, his breath tickling his neck. “It’s not you without it.”

Bucky smiled and leaned against him a little before dabbing a brush into the colors necessary. But once again needing Steve’s help with that mix. “I think you need to show me again..” He asked, turning his head slightly. “I forgot..”

He felt Steve’s hand on his, moving his hand and dabbing the colors and mixing them together until a very unique color came out of the mixture. “There you go beautiful.. that right there.”

Using that mixture Bucky added the eye color again, humanizing the painting, like the first one he’d ever made. He studied it, seeing how jagged he’d portrayed himself, how much pain was in it and he knew Steve could see it too.

“Guess I don’t like myself much these days.” He mused, feeling that melancholy sink over him again.

“Well I love you.” Steve told him, letting his hands rest on Bucky’s waist. “That’ll make up for it jerk.”

He turned around in chair and faced him, keeping an arm’s length between them deliberately. At least for now. “I need to feel these things Steve.” He explained, taking his hands and entwining their fingers. “And that means I might be.. difficult to deal with for a while.” He chuckles a little. “More than usual I mean. But that means I don’t want you to.. you know.. enable me or.. let me off the hook you know what I mean?”

Steve nodded understandingly. “I think I do.”

Bucky smiled at that and leaned a little closer. “I promise I won’t clam up anymore.. or at least I promise I’ll try not to.” He continued, laying it all out now. “But when I want you to leave me alone.. please leave me alone and I promise I’ll be okay..”

“Sounds like I’m gonna have to invest in some more punching bags.” Steve sort of half joked, giving Bucky a comforting smile.

He felt himself actually laugh at that. “Yeah among other things.” He mused, lifting his eyes to Steve’s and getting serous again. “I know I gotta woke this out and I promise I will.”

Steve leaned forward and let go of Bucky’s hands, putting his one his face, his finger trailing over the edge of the braid that was still in Bucky’s hair. “I know you will.” He told him, his sky-blue eyes crunching into that wry smile that owned Bucky for as long as he could remember. “And I’m here for you… no matter what.”

He felt emotional again, just looking in his eyes and seeing how true that was. Thinking of all the shit he’d put up with over the years. Hell he’d nearly killed him more than once. Remembering, painfully, the way Steve had taken the beating on the heli-carrier just to reach him. And had searched hard for him, even when he didn’t want to be found. Living with that dangerous split in his head. Of all the crap he’d taken for him and from him over the years and he still loved him with all of that stubborn fiery heart of his. He still felt he didn’t deserve it a lot of the time.

“You alright?” Steve asked, seeing the turmoil on his face.

“Yeah I just..” He started and paused, before laying his head against Steve’s. “I just kinda love you a lot you stupid punk.”

Steve chuckled softly. “The feelings mutual jerk.”

He wanted to him again and that was okay. So he did, letting himself be pulled into his arms. Feeling those warm hands in his hair as gripped Steve’s t-shirt gently. It felt good, really good. But that was all it would be for now. He didn’t trust himself to go any further right now, knowing he sometimes used sex as an escape as well. Thinking he was going to hold back a little on that for now too, as painful as that would be, until he was sure of himself again.

“Okay it’s time to feed you now jerk.” Steve whispered as he pulled his lips away, his hand still on the back of Bucky’s head. “Captain’s orders.”

Bucky smiled and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. “Here you pulling rank again.” He teased as he was hauled to his feet. “How typical.”

“Well Sergeant..” Steve said as he pulled him to the table. “Someone has to take care of that cute stubborn ass of yours don’t they?”

Bucky smiled as Steve pulled out their supper, which smelled delicious. “Well I’m glad it’s you.”

And he meant it. There was no one in the world who was better at it than Steve that was for damn sure. So he dug into supper, realizing he was staving and just relaxing for a little bit. Tomorrow after all, was another day.

\--

Later that night, Bucky was wrapped up in his arms under a nice blanket, and had fallen asleep without the aid of any medicine or alcohol. Which Steve knew was a good thing. His brown was laying in his face and Steve brushed it aside, wanting to see his face, because he looked so beautiful when he slept. But also in case of any distress as well, so he could head it off and not disrupt that sleep.

A lot had come out today, some of it good but some of it was a sign that he had some work to do again. That this rough patch was not just something that could be fixed easily. Just by Bucky’s words and behavior he could tell he was dealing with some deep stuff again. The depression not the least of it.

He felt him shift slightly, a distressed look on his sleeping face and held him a little closer, rubbing his back soothingly as he twitched and whimpered a little. He buried his face in his hair and just held him like that, whispering calming words into his ear and touching him softly until he calmed again. 

The rain had been off and on all day and it was still pattering on the roof rhythmically, creating ambient noise. It was still early but he wanted him to sleep more right now. In fact both Shuri and Pam had told him to do that too and in some ways Steve had realized he had to enforce that sometimes because Bucky didn’t always the rules he was given. Almost subconsciously still rebelling against any kind of authority even if he trusted them. Another byproduct of his abusive past he knew. But he was understanding that putting his foot down on few things was good for Bucky and for him too.

He could give him his freedoms but still protect him from himself sometimes. And one of the ways to do that was to not enable self-destructive behavior. And to not let him get away with any abusive behavior as well, not matter how unintentional it was.

It was a learning curve for them. Bucky was a long-term work in progress.

He started to shake a little again in his sleep, clutching Steve’s shirt spasmodically. “Steve?” He asked with fear in his voice as if he couldn’t find him.

“I’m here.” He whispered to him, holding him close. “I always will be.”

No matter how he fought him sometimes, he always would be. That was a promise he always intended to keep.

He held him closer, feeling the shaking die down again and Bucky tucking his head into his neck, looking for safety, knowing even in his sleep that he was an always would be right here. No matter where they were. Steve pulled the warm blanket over him and just held him close, making sure to do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like i said, some heavier subject matter involving Bucky's coping mechanisms and avoidance tactics. But acknowledgement as well of something he buried so much that he almost convinced himself it didn't happen. If it wasn't for Sam pointing for Steve in the right direction it might never have come out. 
> 
> Unfortunately what happened to his friend from the VA is something that is sadly common among vets sometimes and organizations like the one on Bucky's shirt from the previous chapter, Wounded Warrior Project, specialize in vets adjust and heal their physical and mental wounds. It's a good organization, well worth supporting. 
> 
> Now for Bucky what he does with the alcohol and the pills may fall short of addictive behavior and is more in line with self-medicating his symptoms rather and acknowledging them, especially the depression. Steve has finally decided to not enable this behavior anymore and through his insistence and stubborness has made Bucky finally understand too that he can't keep behaving like this, for his own sake as well as Steves's. So we are going to see the fallout of that going forward, now Bucky is officially going to allow himself to fully feel these things. 
> 
> The painting, which was introduced in Chapter 23 of the previous fic (along with the adorable Arya) is going to be important in really getting those feelings and fears out. So you will see more of that. It's more healthy than what he's been doing. 
> 
> And oh yes, Christmas is coming for them too and I promise it will be wonderful I promise. 
> 
> I don't have a title for the next chapter yet but I've already hinted at whats coming so there you go :)
> 
> And thank you all for the comments, I know this fic is emotionally rough in places but all your insights are wonderfully welcome thank you


	6. Caharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once I'm apologizing not only for the moodiness of this one but also the lateness as well. I got stuff going on in my life and its wrecking havoc with my feels and I think that's reflected in this chapter a lot. 
> 
> Artwork will be available on Tumblr (of same name as here :)

He woke up on what he hoped would be his last morning in Wakonda, feeling a bit out of sorts. Not that he hated it here mind you, it was nice, weather was good, and the people were good to him treating him like one of their own. An honorary citizen as T’Challa had declared him once and for all. But Bucky wanted to be home. It was so close to Christmas now, and he wanted to be in his own home. He felt safer there, more grounded. And in the state he was in lately he needed that.

Steve had gone out, most likely to get breakfast, and this time he didn’t bother waking him, and while in some ways he was grateful about that, it was disquieting too. A breach in habit.

As he tuned, he felt something on the side of the bed, a square object that felt strangely like one of his notebooks but wasn’t. Blinking he got up on his elbow to see what it was. Confused as to why something like that was there at all.

It was Steve’s sketchbook, and had what looked like a paperclip clipped to a page inside. Bucky understood what that meant, because he used it with his paintings occasionally. It indicated an active work in progress. And normally he wouldn’t look at it with asking Steve first, but he had an inkling Steve left the sketchbook here for a reason, otherwise it was in his travel bag. So he sat up, resting the book on his lap and opened it to see what was in there that Steve clearly wanted him to see.

It was a sketch of him sleeping, a recent one. Bucky could tell cause the braids in his hair were clearly drawn. It showed him curled on his side, his metal arm curled up around the covers, stray strands of hair hanging in his face. His lips were parted, and he looked peaceful. Even beautiful. Steve was so good at drawing that it just flowed out and Bucky could always see himself the way Steve saw him and it always tugged at his heart.

But it wasn’t just the drawing that his emotions hard, it was the note clipped to it, in Steve’s handwriting.

_‘This is I see you.. how much I love you.. always remember that. ‘_

Writing as if he had some doubts about that. Not that Bucky doubted it one bit. He just didn’t feel he deserved it sometimes. Hell a lot of the time especially lately. He picked up the sketchbook with the note inside and sort of held it to his chest, feeling all kinds of emotional now and fighting it back to no avail.

Steve had forgiven him far too easily for his latent behavior. He was too damn good.

He had talked to Amelia about this once, this feeling that Steve was far too willing to forgive him for his behavior. For the things he’d done to him, not only while he was the Winter Soldier but when he was healing afterward. All the times he’d taken out his pain on him, his confusion. All the sleepless nights he’d cost him with his nightmares and seizure episodes involving Winter Soldier. And lets not forget the little incident in the bathroom.

Bucky had not been aware that as he said this, he had wrapped his arms around himself until Amelia sort of pointed out this defensive, almost child-like behavior. “Are you alright?” She asked him softly, making Bucky acutely aware of himself then.

“Yeah I’m just cold.” He’d told her, trying to deflect. “I have trouble getting warm.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie he did have that problem sometimes but she saw through it like always.

“I know you do, but you and I both know that’s not it this time.” She responded. “You were talking about Steve and that he’s too forgiving. Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know.” He remembered answering looking out the window. “I just think.. maybe he shouldn’t be so easy on me sometimes. That maybe I don’t deserve it.”

“Then maybe we shouldn’t be talking about Steve here and start talking about why you feel that way”

Bucky knew then as he knew now, why he felt that way. Because in spite of all the forgiveness and support he’d gotten, he couldn’t let himself off the hook for any of it even now. Something Zemo had sensed and used in their meeting. And his actions of late had just acerbated the problem in his mind. The way he’d lied to Steve and tried to manipulate him when he was confronted with that and his coping mechanisms.

There was a part of him that felt he deserved some kind of punishment. It was so damn persistent.

Grabbed by the hair and tossed about punishment. Slammed down and hurt. To be made to comply. And he knew Steve would never do that but a dark part of him still wanted him to. And sometimes that came out during their most intimate moments, when he wanted to be fucked hard not for pleasure and enjoyment but to be hurt and punished and that was something that terrified him, and he didn’t trust his motivations anymore when it came to that either.

Right now he just felt like a mess again and just wanted to go home.

He tried to pull himself away from this, looking back at the drawing that had caused all this fuss for him, in fact flipping through some of the other drawings, finding that he was a frequent subject for Steve. His muse. Drawings of him painting, studying with his reading glasses on. Sitting in the window petting Arya. Or just things as simple as eating breakfast or sitting on the fire escape staring off into space. He thought at that moment as well just how good Steve was at this. He’d always been good.

He’d wished they could’ve gathered enough money to send him to art school and had been planning on doing it, trying to save money for it he’d worked extra for. And then the war came and everything changed. How different would things had been. Bucky was learning that things had happened for a reason probably, and maybe in the long run, at least for Steve, for the better in terms of his health, He would’ve mostly died young otherwise. But it didn’t stop him from feeling the regret as he looked at these drawings from his talented spouse.

And leave it up to that beautiful idiot to try and remind him of how loved he was in spite of how he felt about himself lately.

He shook his head, trying to clear it, and put the sketchbook aside, deciding he could at least get his ass up and take a damn shower. So he did just that and by the time he’d gotten out of it, that same idiot was back with breakfast, some damn good looking pastries in fact.

“Damn that looks good.” He observed, walking and taking a closer look. “It’s making me hungry.”

Steve raised his eyebrows. “Could say the same for what I’m looking at.”

He gave him and up down look and Bucky was acutely aware that he was only wearing his pants, hadn’t gotten to his shirt yet. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him and felt himself heat up a little but did his best to suppress it for now. Not wanting to give into or encourage it yet. He didn’t trust himself yet. But damn the way Steve was looking at him was giving him all sorts of dangerous feelings that could make them late for his appointment if he wasn’t careful.

“Dammit punk why is your mind always in the gutter?” He teased, grabbing a danish.

“Sorry can’t help it.” Steve shot back, his eyes still crawling all over Bucky’s bare chest and arms. “Look at the hot shit I’m married to.”

Bucky swallowed the Danish, feeling his cheeks redden a little. Especially when Steve stepped forward and put his arm around Bucky’s back, those warm fingers trailing on his skin, causing his eyes to flutter in response. Dammit he wanted him just kiss him hard and toss him on the bed. To let him have his way with him, but he continued to hold it back, to hide it from his eyes as much as possible. Chewing on the Danish as he looked in Steve’s eyes.

“You alright?” Steve asked him, that hand moving softly over his back. “Did you get enough sleep.”

“Yeah.. I guess so..” He answered, his throat feeling dry. “Still feel a little off.”

“Do you need some medicine?”

He did actually, his left shoulder was so achy, and moving the metal arm causing some screaming pain in in it. Shuri had told them it was going to take a few weeks for his body to adjust. Which is why he had this strong medication that he no longer trusted himself to take on his own.

“Yeah.” He said honestly, lifting his right arm to rub his shoulder. “It’s a little sore.”

Steve took the bottle out of his pocket and gave him one, watching him down it with some orange juice. Once he was done, Bucky felt Steve’s hand on his face, cupping the side of it and he swallowed hard, letting his eyes meet his again, looking into those sky-blue eyes that he loved and trusted so much.

“We’re going home soon I promise.” Steve told him, pulling his face against his. “As soon as we get you checked out.” Bucky closed his eyes, allowing Steve’ other hand to pull him closer to him, not fighting it. “And the rest of it.. we’re gonna take care of it together I promise.”

“Steve..” He stammered a little, unable to find words. “I..I.. just..”

“I know.” Steve whispered to him, his lips very close to Bucky’s. “It’s okay.”

The kiss was soft, and Bucky let himself melt into it. Into his arms. His fingers running through his now loose hair. Feeling so much love in that moment. Love and forgiveness he didn’t think he deserved. Wanting to pull back but at the same time not wanting him to let go either.

Steve pulled his lips away and pressed them to Bucky’s head, causing a shiver to run through him. “I love you.” He whispered against his head. “Just remember that okay?”

“How could I forget?” Bucky teased, letting his face nuzzle Steve’s a little. “When you leave presents like that on my bed.”

Steve smiled. “You saw that huh?” He mused. Chuckling. “Guess I was inspired by the angel laying next to me.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that. “You are such a sap.” He told him, unable to hide the adoration in his voice when he said it. “I’m no fucking angel punk… not even close.”

“Yes you are.” Steve corrected him, taking his face in his hands. “Your wings are broken that’s all.”

He looked down at that, thinking it was oddly accurate but at the same time a bit naïve. It was almost too beautiful a sentiment for him to handle though and he rest his hands on Steve’s waist and butted his head against his chest like an affectionate cat. Biting his to bite back the emotions that brought out of him.

“There you go again.” He said quietly, his eyes closed. “Saying that smaltzy shit you punk.” He felt Steve’s hands on the back of his neck and trembled a little. “I can’t deal with you sometimes.”

Steve just chuckled and just held his head like that. “Can’t help it jerk.” He told him, stroking his hair. “I just adore you that much.”

“I know.” He replied in a shaky voice. “I don’t know why sometimes.” 

Steve got a cross look on his face as he pulled him closer. “Why would say that?”

He allowed Steve hug him, to encircle him in his arms again. Bucky closed his eyes, laying his head against Steve’s shoulder, feeling his hand on his head and the other around his back, stroking it softly. He felt safe, loved, protected. Even from himself at the moment. Because that was where he needed the most protection from right now.

“Because you shouldn’t have forgiven me this easily.” He said in a choked voice against his shoulder. “I don’t deserve it.”

Steve stepped back a little, grabbing Bucky’s shoulders hard. A little painfully even. “What?” He asked incredulously. “Stop saying that of course you do.”

Bucky was feeling that self-loathing as well as that terrible itch under his skin. Like there was pressure building up under there again. The fingers of his metal hand were curling as if to scratch out that itch, even though Steve was once again, holding him by the shoulders. He could still bend his elbows though and those fingers found the skin of his stomach and started doing just that. He was barely aware he was doing it, but Steve noticed and slid his hand down to pull it away, causing Bucky to look down in surprise at what he was doing yet again.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Steve asked, his hand tight around the metal wrist. “This is the second time I’ve seen you do it.”

That he’d seen, Bucky was thinking to himself. And there was of course using his right hand to break the mirror thing as well. Steve knew about that too. He deserved an honest answer, but Bucky didn’t have one really. He didn’t understand the full connotations of his behavior lately. He’d learned a lot about psychology due to his variety of issues since his escape, how the mind coped the way his had by splitting apart for a long time. But this was brand new, only really in the last month or so and he was just as confused as anyone about it.

“I don’t know.” He answered as honestly as he could. “There’s something under my skin that wants to get out and… I scratch..” His eyes flicked to the scratch he made on his wrist last night. “Its’s like a burn.. like when I was.. quitting the cigs..and I just I dunno..”

“Have you told Amelia about this?”

Bucky kept looking away. “Yeah.. Kinda..”

“Kinda?”

“She kinda figured it out on her own I suppose..” He told him, still looking away. “That I’m all fucked up again inside.”

“Well you need to talk to her more about it.” Steve told him, his eyes as stern as his voice. “Tell her everything, even the things you don’t tell me.” He put his hand around the back of Bucky’s neck just under his hair. “Just do that for me okay?”

That actually stung him a little, that Steve knew he wasn’t being completely open, but he supposed it was fair for him to say it. And it wasn’t admonition really it was just.. concern for his well-being like it always was. Which just made him feel more guilty if that was possible.

“I’ll try.” He replied, looking down, wrapping his free hand around Steve’s arm. “I am trying.”

“I know you are.” Steve said as he pulled Bucky’s head against his own. “But your still shutting me out and I won’t deny that hurts but..” His fingers tangled in Bucky’s hair gently. “It’s not about how I feel.. it’s about getting you better whatever way we can.”

Those words were just too much, the unselfishness of them, it threatened to unravel him. Made him just want to climb into his arms and beg him to take him to bed and just.. make him feel better, make him forget all of this. But he knew it was a temporary solution right now. That losing himself in that would just delay another crash. So he gently extracted himself, looking apologetic at first and then putting on the face he needed to get through the day.

“I guess I should probably finish my breakfast huh?” He observed, picking up the pastry he’d set down. “Gotta keep my strength up as you so like to remind me.”

Steve looked a little sad, knowing what Bucky was doing but decided not to push it right now. “Yeah you should.” He agreed. “You haven’t eaten much lately.”

He hadn’t. Which was unusual as well considering how much he usually ate. One the side-effects of that damn shit they pumped into him against his will was that he could eat pretty much anything and not gain weight. Although, he was very capable of losing weight whenever got sick, or just didn’t feel like eating like lately. So it was always concerning to others when he didn’t have an appetite. So a lot of the times he made an effort even when he didn’t particularly feel like it. Such as today. But the Danish smelled and tasted good, so he didn’t have to fake that too much.

“Keep feeding me this shit and I’ll eat all day punk.” Bucky teased as he wolfed it done and had some juice.

“But you won’t eat the healthy stuff.” Steve said, shaking his head. “Go figure.”

“Because it tastes like shit.” Bucky shot back at him. “Make it taste like this and I’ll think about it.”

Steve shook his head and sat down to eat as well. “You’re a pain in the ass.” He told him, grabbing some juice. “You’re lucky you’re adorable jerk.”

Bucky swallowed and gave him his cutest, most charming smile ever, glad to talk about anything other than his psychological issues for the moment. “Guess I got you wrapped around my little finger huh?” He teased, stuffing another tasty pastry in his mouth. “Sucker.”

“Yeah you got me boo bear.” Steve admitted. “And you always will.”

He supposed it was only fair because Steve himself had had Bucky since the moment they met. The scrawny punk with the bright blue eyes and the missing teeth had owned his soul from the beginning. They were crazy about each other and even after all this time, nothing had changed and there was so much comfort in that. The love was, is and always would be strong, stable and unconditional.

“Same here punk.” He told him, letting the sincerity of his words show in his eyes. “Same here.”

\--

Bucky was sleeping on the plane, which was fine with Steve at this point considering everything. But it had been some what concerning as to how much he’d been sleeping lately. Some of it was because of his medication but not all of it and that’s what worried Steve. Especially when he thought about the depression Bucky had confessed to having finally. But for now it was okay to let him until it could be dealt with properly.

They had gotten approval to go home, Shuri said the arm was set enough for him to return to normal activity. But coordinated with Pam for follow-ups to avoid potential complications such as infections in the shoulder. And for any updates or follow-ups, which would require a return for which Bucky frowned at.

“I will check on this too Sergeant Barnes.” She told him pointedly. “So don’t even try to wiggle out of it.”

Steve had to laugh at the chagrined expression on Bucky’s face, and the way he looked to Steve for help on this. “Hey don’t look at me.” He told him, patting his leg. “I’m not messing with her.”

But Bucky was genuinely relieved to finally be able to go home, and right before Christmas too. Wanda elected to make the trip hone with them as well and that meant Arya could sit with Bucky and their reunion was so damn adorable Steve had to take a picture or 50 of them as Bucky lamented, giving him a cross look in a few.

“I think you’ve got enough pics punk.” He told him as Arya practically climbed on his shoulder to nuzzle his head with her own. “I’m surprised you got any memory left.”

“Oh I got enough for a million pictures of you jerk.” Steve had responded, giving him a quick kiss on the nose as he petted Arya himself. “Get used to it.”

“I am used to it.” Bucky replied with a roll of his eyes. “That’s the problem.”

Now he was curled up in the seat of the jet with the purring cat snuggled up on his lap, his metal hand resting on her back. And Steve took a few more pictures of that causing Wanda to put her hand to her mouth as if to indicate that this was the most adorable thing she’d ever seen.

“I can’t help it if my husband is adorable.” He told her as she sat down across from the them both. “Besides he just pretends to be annoyed.”

“Oh I know.” She replied as she pulled her legs up on the seat to get more comfortable. “He’s a bit old softie inside, just has a hard shell to protect himself.” She gave him a soft look and then turned back to Steve. “Has he always been like that?”

Steve thought about how much he wanted to tell her, but knew she knew a lot about Bucky, maybe even knew things Steve didn’t, but she didn’t know much about him before. Decided it was okay to say certain things.

“Not always.” He told her with his arm around Bucky’s shoulder. “I mean he always kept things close but.. He didn’t have that hard of a shell.” He rubbed his shoulder slightly. “He was a lot softer then, but in a good way you know like.. a strong way.” He frowned a little angrily. “They took that away from him.”

“They didn’t take it Steve, they couldn’t.” Wanda said, folding her hand over one jean-clad knee. “He just had to protect it that’s all so he buried it. But it’s coming back. Because he’s stronger than they were. “She looked over him with affection. “Because after they did to him he’s still here fighting. And winning.” 

He nodded at that, knowing she was right. And at that moment there was something Steve wanted to ask her, if only for his own emotional well-being, telling himself the answer didn’t matter either way. But maybe in some ways it did. He had told Bucky that as long as was talking to someone it was okay, even if that someone wasn’t him. But there was still a small part of him that felt left out and he needed to know this.

“Did he tell you about what happened in November?” He asked carefully, making sure Bucky was still fast asleep, and he was. Out like a light as his mom used to say. “On Thanksgiving weekend I mean?”

Wanda bit her lip for a moment and then answered. “I sensed something was up but he didn’t actually tell me anything.” She told him, and it seemed like an honest answer. “Yesterday he let me look inside and I saw it.. and immediately told him to talk to you.”

Steve felt himself breathing a strange sigh of relief, he hadn’t been the only one in the dark. If Wanda couldn’t even read him during that time, then it was just that Bucky was that good at hiding and blocking things like this. And while that was somewhat good news, it was also unsettling as well. That he was that secretive about these things. Steve knew he’d learned to hide his feelings and inner thoughts as a measure of protection when Hydra had him. That it may been the only way he survived and maintained any sanity or base memory at all. But the fact that he still employed it even now, after all this time showed how deep it went with him.

Still waters run deep was another expression Sarah Rogers used a lot. A very perceptive woman she had been. As he was still learning even now.

“Are you upset he didn’t tell you?” She asked, giving him a sympathetic look. “Or that he told other people first?”

The fact that Wanda had nailed it so easily unnerved Steve slightly. She wasn’t just empathic, she was perceptive. Or maybe just understood the situation at hand better than he knew.

“A little bit of both I guess.” He admitted reluctantly.

“But more the latter I think.” She observed, her eyes flicking to Bucky every so often as if checking him. Like she could tell if he was still asleep or not. “Sometimes it’s not easy to tell the person we love the most what hurts us the most.” She took a breath and looked out the window. “I don’t always tell Vis everything either, even though I know he wants to help. It’s just.. hard sometimes.”

“Yeah I suppose.” Steve said, realizing she did get it more than he thought. “But it feels like he doesn’t me sometimes.”

“Its not that trust me.” She reassured him, reaching over the table to put her hand on his. “He trusts you more than anyone. But he loves you too.” She squeezed his hand. “That why he doesn’t always tell you everything.”

The statement was confusing once again. “But he can, nothings gonna change if he does.”

“He knows that Steve.” She continued to explain. “Maybe he just doesn’t want you to know what hurts him because he knows it’ll hurt you too. Because he wants to protect you from that pain. “ She smiled softly. “Protection does go both ways you know?”

He thought about that and realized she might be right. Bucky had always tried to protect him, even when they were kids. And maybe this was extensions of that. It was sweet and endearing, but frustrating as well because Steve was still inherently very stubborn and didn’t think he needed to be protected like that.

“He doesn’t have to protect me.” He told her, his voice getting an edge to it. “Not anymore.”

“But he still thinks he does Steve.” She reminded him. “We don’t grow out of some things.” She got a whistfull look on her face for a moment. “Even after I got these powers Pietro still tried to protect me even though I can take care of myself. You never lose that instinct trust me on that.”

Steve remembered painfully how her brother had died protecting Clint and some refugees and felt a pang of pain for her at that loss. But like Bucky she was incredibly strong and he admired that. But the thought of protection and sacrifice brought back an old wound for him as well. One that would never go away no matter how much time had passed.

“He was protecting me when.. he fell.” He reminded her. “And look what happened to him.”

“He doesn’t blame you for that.” She also reminded him. “In fact he told me he’d do it again in a second.. in spite of what happened after.”

“I know.” Steve said with a heavy sigh. “I just don’t want him to hurt himself anymore trying to protect me.”

“You just gotta wait him out, it’s all you can do.”

“Yeah I suppose.” He chuckled. “He’s just stubborn as a mule that’s all.”

“And you’re not punk?” Bucky asked sleepily, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder. “I could tell you stories kid..” He opened his eyes and grinned up Steve. “And no matter what this meatball says, they are all true.”

Steve rubbed his face into Bucky’s hair playfully. “How long you been awake jerk?”

“Long enough to hear you talkin’ about me.” He answered, stretching a little. “All good I hope.”

Steve gave Wanda a quick look of gratitude which she returned, before answering. “Of course.” He told him with a little tease in his voice. “What else is there to say about my perfect spouse?”

“Now I know you’re full of shit.” Was Bucky’s response to that.

“Well maybe we can pass the rest of the flight by you telling me all about Steve as a kid?” Wanda suggested with a grin of her own. “I’d love to hear it.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Please don’t get him started.”

Bucky seemed to want to take the challenge however. “How much time we got left in the flight?” He asked curiously.

“Probably about an hour and a half.”

“Well you’re in luck Rogers cause that’s not enough time to tell her all of it.” Bucky teased, rubbing Steve’s knee with his leg. “But I think I can get one in..” Steve grimaced at Bucky and he heard Wanda laugh as she leaned forward. “There was this one time he ended up inside a trash can and the story behind that is hilarious..”

Steve shook his head again at Wanda. “Just so you know he exaggerates a lot.”

“I don’t have when it comes to you punk.” Bucky sassed back, sitting up and adjusting Arya. “So shut up and let me tell it, my audience awaits.”

As Bucky amused Wanda with a mostly true story of their youth, Steve was just happy to see Bucky in good spirits. Hoping maybe, just maybe it was a sign he was turning a corner. Whatever it was it made the embarrassment of this story much easier to take.

\--

The first thing Bucky did when he finally got home was put Arya down and get her some food. The second thing was to grab every bottle of alcohol he knew of and dump it in the sink. All of it. Every last drop. Steve watched him do this with some confusion.

“What are you doing that for Buck?” He asked, leaning on the counter, their suitcases still sitting in the hall.

Bucky gave him a cross look as if it should be obvious. “You know why.” He answered and turned back to what he was doing. “I need to be clear and cope normally.. so I gotta get rid of this shit for now.”

“Seems a bit extreme that’s all.”

Bucky tuned from the sink, his metal hand holding a bottle of whiskey. The smell of it was slightly intoxicating to him and he fought the urge to just drink it and take some of the edge off, because Steve’s questioning of this was sort of pissing him off. Especially since he’d kind of told him he was going to do it a couple of times before they got home.

“I drank 3 bottles of wine that night in Germany and 2 bottles of this before I punched the mirror.” He said with a lot of sharpness, shaking the whiskey bottle in front of Steve. “I’ve been using it to dull myself out and as you and Amelia have both pointed that ain’t healthy so yeah I need to get rid of it.”

“Alright.” Steve said and reached over to grab the bottle of Moscato on the counter. “Can we at least keep this one for tomorrow night after dinner? Because tomorrow is Christmas Eve after all.”

Bucky felt himself soften just a little, realizing that it was, in fact Christmas Eve tomorrow and Steve liked Christmas. So did he actually now that he got to celebrate it and all. And the least he could do was not be that much of a pain in the ass about this shit. So he felt himself relent.

“Okay just that one.” He agreed and then added. “Just hide it from me until then alright?”

“You mean like the pills?”

Bucky felt a mild irritation again that this, and a bit of a sting as well. Knowing he was putting a lot of responsibility on Steve. Thinking he should be able to manage himself better than that. But he just didn’t trust himself enough, so he let it go for now, turning back to the sink to finish the rest of the bottles.

“Yeah like that.” He said in a barely audible voice as he dumped another bottle. “Just don’t let me see it.”

He felt Steve’s arms go around him like he always did when he tried to comfort him in moments like this. When he didn’t want to be comforted. When he was just trying to keep himself together a little longer. But he didn’t pull away from it, just let him hold him for a moment, nuzzling his neck just below the ear.

“Whatever you gotta do to feel better.” Bucky heard him whisper in his ear. “I’m with you.”

Steve then gave him a quick kiss below the ear and let him go, picking up the bottle and putting it somewhere safe for now. And Bucky stopped what he was doing and braced both hands on the sink, smelling the alcohol he’d just poured down the drain and still feeling Steve’s lips on his neck. Remembering what he’d said just two days ago.

_“All I want for Christmas is for you to feel better..” _

And then he heard Zemo ‘_How is your mental health these days?’_

He shook off the last one almost violently. He didn’t want to think about him. Or Zola. Or that damn book. About Daniel. About any of it. Wanting to keep all that and that encroaching darkness away for now. And he was finished dumping the liquor so now what?

Picking up his phone he went upstairs to the office and pulled up his email to get some last minute things done for the dinner at the VA tomorrow night. He pulled up his FaceTime, which Wanda had shown him to use more successfully and got Sam on the line to talk about it.

“Well look whose back at home.”

“Yup it’s good to be back.” He told him. “I’m gonna send you a few things for tomorrow alright?”

“Sure.” Sam answered and then asked. “You okay right now?”

“Sure.” Bucky a little defensively as he pulled his hair back into a ponytail. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just asking.” Sam replied. “It’s been a rough week for you that’s all.”

He didn’t feel like getting into it right now to be honest, just wanted to distract himself. “Later on that okay?” He told him. “Just wanna get this shit done while I got time to do it.”

“Whatever you say man.”

He got caught up in it so long he barely noticed time had passed and it had gotten late. Barely noticed when Arya scampered in bating a toy around the room. Only noticed when Steve came to the door of the office and leaned in to check on him.

“It’s dinner time Buck.” He was informed. He barely looked up.

“I’m busy.” He told him. “Later.”

“No we’re gonna do it now.” Steve disagreed, causing Bucky to look up for the first time. “It’s gonna get cold otherwise and you haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

Bucky rolled his eyes a little at this and tried to find something smart to say while eyeing Steve as he stood there, with his arms crossed and that look in his eyes. Wearing jeans and a dark green Henley which emphasized.. well.. everything. He was certainly a sight to behold and it had a way of wiping away Bucky’s train of thought. Thinking about pulling that shirt off with his teeth. But he controlled himself.

“Maybe I’m not hungry.” He sassed, folding his arms in a challenging way. “How about that?”

Steve just looked at him sternly. “I know you are.”

He was. And not just for food. Realizing it had been over a week since they’d last indulged themselves in the pleasure of each others bodies full on. There were a variety of reasons for this, health being one. But others as well, the things that were holding him back from just climbing on him letting them banquet on each other. He shook his head, trying to get out of the thought of wanting Steve to just plow him right here on the desk and fuck everything else. It wouldn’t have been the first time there either, it had proven to be a sturdy desk he mused to himself.

“Am I now?” He asked, pushing it in spite of his inner warnings. “You can read minds now too Captain?”

Steve walked over and leaned on the desk with both hands, staring him down. “Get that cute ass of yours downstairs or else.” He told him with a glint in his blue eyes Bucky rather liked.

“Or what punk?” Bucky asked, knowing exactly what he would do and wanting him to. Daring him to actually.“ You gonna make me?”

“You two are ridiculous.” Sam said with disdain. “I mean come on.”

He had almost forgotten he was still on the phone with him until then, and was about to answer when Steve did instead, having come around the desk a lot faster than Bucky anticipated. “He’s gotta go Sam.” He told the other man. “Captain’s order.”

Steve’s finger clicked the end call button and in a flash Bucky felt himself be hauled off the chair and thrown over Steve’s shoulder, his face practically in his ass as he was settled there. He smiled to himself, enjoying the view he was getting as Steve proceeded to carry him out of the room just like that. 

“Guess I’m being outranked again.” He mused, feeling a bit dizzy from being upside down. “So typical.”

He felt Steve’s hand pat his ass, almost like a sweet spank that Bucky rather enjoyed, causing him smile even wider as he was carried down the stairs. “Yup.” Steve replied with amusement. “The benefit of being a Captain.”

“That’s okay punk.” Bucky continued to sass, rubbing his face against Steve’s very fine ass. “I kinda like where I am.”

Steve chuckled as he put him down on the kitchen chair. Not hard but not light either. And Bucky thought, as he tried to get the coherency back in his head that he rather enjoyed that bit of roughness. Enjoyed it a lot actually. It wasn’t a secret that he liked when his punk got ornery and manhandled him a little. It gave him a sense of security and at the same time turned him on something fierce. And he was having a very hard time fighting those urges tonight. It had after all, been a while and he was definitely feeling a bit frisky if he was being honet.

But he controlled it as best he could. For now at least.

“All that just to get me to eat my vegetables.” Bucky mused, rubbing his ass a little where Steve had put him down. “You’re turning into a mom Rogers.”

Steve gave him a cross look that had a hint of love and pride in it. “Just shut up and eat jerk its getting cold.”

He did, and it was pretty good he had to admit. Steve was a pretty decent cook, had gotten it from his mother. Because Sarah had been a great cook. Bucky had spent many nights over at Casa Rogers for that very reason. Not that his own mother wasn’t a good cook it was just that raising four children on a budget had minimized her ability to put too much miniscule work into it. And going over Steve’s relieved the food levels she had to use. Sarah on the other had only one child and herself and it was much easier on her. When she wasn’t working that was.

He had loved Sarah almost as much as his own mom and appreciated her for so many reasons. Her secret support of them until her death being one of those.

Bucky mused on this as he ate, and realized that he had successfully distracted himself from his troubles at least for a little while. Wanting to keep that going he casually suggested they just relax on the couch and watch a little tv. Maybe some Christmas special or movie or something.

“We still have to unpack though.” Steve mentioned as they cleared the table. “But I guess we can do that some other time.”

Bucky slid his arms around Steve’s waist and nuzzled his face. “Damn straight punk.” He replied and started to pull Steve along. “And that couch is calling us so lets not keep it waiting.”

Looking out the window as he sat down on the couch, he noted it had started snowing, which delighted him. Thinking there should be snow on Christmas, which was why Wakonda didn’t feel right. Among other things. The Christmas lights on the window, which they had amusingly put up a few days before they left, reflected off the snow on the street in a very pretty way. He was mesmerized by it for a moment.

“How about some hot cocoa gorgeous?” Steve asked him, getting his attention again.

“Sounds perfect punk.” Bucky agreed, leaning back on the couch. “With marshmellow.. the good ones not those tiny ass ones.”

“Whatever you want jerk.” Steve told him as he went to the kitchen. “Your wish is my command.”

Bucky pulled the blanket over his lap, a nice big fleece one that Nat had given them a long time ago, and settled back with the remote in his hand. As soon as he got comfortable he had company as Arya of course jumped up on his lap and curled up as well. He smiled at her as she stretched and got comfortable as only cats could.

“Hey there little darlin’” He cooed to her as she purred in his lap. “You happy to be home?” She blinked up at him once and went to sleep. “Yeah me too.”

Steve finally arrived with the hot chocolate and sure enough it had a huge glob of marshmellow fluff on it. They had found it on their now annual trips to Mystic, Connecticut and Bucky loved it. Especially in hot cocoa. He smiled as Steve sat down next to him and put his arm around him. Bucky snaked his flesh arm around Steve’s back, the metal one in use petting the cat, and laid his head on his shoulder watching as he searched through the channels.

They settled on _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_, which Bucky had grown to like and just snuggled up with the cat to watch it while it snowed outside in Brooklyn. It was perfection in Bucky’s mind and he didn’t want it to end.

It was just good to be home.

\--

Later that night after they unpacked, Steve lay with his arm around Bucky from behind as he wrote in his journal. He nuzzled his back, pulling the t-shirt back that Bucky was wearing a little bit and buried his face into the exposed scar tissue, letting his fingers run over the metal rivets of the bicep and up over the new white star that was now on his shoulder.

“I like your new arm.” He said against his shoulder. “I really do.”

“Yeah?” Bucky asked, looking back slightly over his shoulder. “I thought you liked the old one.”

“I did.” He told him, letting his fingers run the length of it in reverence. “But this ones even better.”

Bucky chuckled a little, closing his notebook. “You just like the star you silly punk.”

He pulled Bucky over so he was on his back and smiled down at him before kissing him softly. “Yeah that’s part of it.” He whispered to him. “But not all of its appeal.”

He then felt those metal fingers wrap around the back of his neck and flex softly as they looked in each other’s eyes from mere inches away. “And what’s the rest of it.” Bucky asked and swore he swore he saw a desire for some praise in those teal beauties.

“That’s it’s attached to you.” He told him, their lips brushing softly. “I love everything that’s part of you.”

Bucky smiled and pulled him closer, metal fingers digging into Steve’s neck just under his hair and the sensation was so intoxicating to Steve that he couldn’t help but kiss him deeply, one of his hands sliding over the shoulder of that said arm, the other pushing his shirt up a little, feeling the warm, inviting skin underneath.

“Wow punk.” Bucky breathed against his lips, fingers of both hands digging into Steve’s skin even more. With urgency. “That’s sappy even for you.”

Steve pulled his lips away and began to suck softly on his neck. “You just bring it out of me I guess.”

He let his hands roam under his shirt, feeling his abs rising with his breath, thinking of all the teasing earlier. The sense that Bucky was more himself now and then there was this. Wanting him so badly, because frankly it had been so damn long, at least for them. He wanted to just kiss him all over and take his time. And he could tell Bucky wanted that too. But he still stopped seeming to freeze under him before extracting himself.

“I can’t.” Bucky said in a hoarse voice, biting his lower lip which was beautifully swollen from kissing. “I’m sorry..”

Steve calmed himself before responding. His blood was up, the need high in him but he would never force it on him even if he thought he truly wanted it. Which it was clear he did. But he was pushing back, blocking, denying himself for some reason and it was frustrating as hell.

“Okay then.” He said as he got himself together. “Tell me why.”

“Same reason I can’t drink.” Bucky replied, looking away. “Cause I can’t trust myself that I’m doing it for the right reasons anymore.”

He knew what he was getting at, thinking he was using it to forget and maybe he was. He’d said he didn’t want to use anything as a crutch but now he was denying himself things he wanted. Pleasure and release for fear of something abstract. A sense of guilt Steve could sense coming out of him, could see in his eyes. Almost like he didn’t deserve to feel good anymore.

“That’s not the real reason.” He said with surety, his eyes holding his. “You’re punishing yourself.”

Bucky blinked as if caught and backed up on the bed away from him. “No I’m not.” He argued, his eyes wide again. “I just don’t want to use you to make myself feel better okay?”

“And I told you whatever you wanted or needed is fine with me remember?” He reminded him, putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “That whatever way you need me was okay.. when did you forget that?”

Bucky looked down and away from him, his eyes haunted. Afraid. Almost like a trapped animal. “I didn’t.” He told him, his metal hand digging into his thigh just under the hem of his shorts, scratching it raw. “I just realized that was dangerous.” He looked up as those fingers began to draw some blood. “For you.”

There was the scratching again. It was frightening. Like when he would wake up as a different person kind of frightening. It was like he didn’t even realize what he was doing. That he was hurting himself in this way. He let go of his shoulder and grabbed his hand, pulling it away from his skin. And he was starting to understand what Bucky meant now.

“You think you’re gonna hurt me don’t you?” He asked, his hand encircling Bucky’s metal wrist. “Is that it?”

“I don’t think I am.” Bucky said in a voice that sounded almost empty. “I know I will.” He turned his head back to Steve, looking him in the eyes. “Its been getting worse since that weekend. I tried to pretend it wasn’t and almost believed it but.. “ His eyes darkened as he looked in Steve’s. “I can’t anymore.”

“Bucky.” He tried to reassure him. “No.”

“Let me go.” Bucky said, pushing back with extreme strength. “Now.”

He saw the look in his eyes, that look that said he had little control over himself. A begging look. Like he wanted him to keep holding onto him, to control him but at the same time afraid. So he let go of his arm and let him get up off the bed, away from him. Seeing him walk over to the window, looking out at the snow like he’d done in Germany, the pale light illuminating him, making him look beautiful. And all he wanted to do was wrap him up in his arms at that moment.

“Buck?” He asked him, his voice desperate. “Come back to bed, we don’t have to do anything.”

He turned to him, biting his lip as if there was something he needed to say, but didn’t want to say it. And when he did it changed everything. The entire mood in the room swung like a giant pendulam to where it needed to go to get anything done. To blast open the doors again.

“You know sometimes I think you’d be better off without me.” He said in a small voice. “If I had never come back.” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “If I’d just stayed dead.”

He heard the words and felt a multitude of emotions. The most primary being pain and anger. Pain that he would feel that way and anger that he would say it. Thinking about those moments when he thought he was gone. Seeing him fall away and feeling that part of him just wither and die as a result. The joy of having him back and everything thing he had gone through to get him back, both physically and emotionally and he was angry with him. For seeming to give up again.

Steve got up out of bed and grabbed him hard by the arms and pushed him against the wall, no if he was honest he slammed him into it. He stared into his eyes and saw surprise and even a hint that he was impressed by this show of force. He gripped his arms tight, knowing it would leave marks but having a feeling it wouldn’t matter to either of them by the end of the night.

“Don’t you dare tell me I’m better off without you.” He growled, and heard a whine coming from Bucky’s throat, but not from fear. “I died that day Buck.” His fingers dug in even more, almost possessively. “That part of me didn’t come back until you did.”

He was so angry now, his body basically pressing Bucky into the wall even more, not letting him leave. And sensing he didn’t want to, judging by the color in his cheeks and the fact that and his breathing was shortening. His teal blue eyes darkening a little, giving in to what he was afraid of finally.

“I need you Buck.” He continued, that low growl in his voice still. “I can’t live without you..” His lips were close, so close now and that whine came out of Bucky again. “So stop fighting me and let it go..” 

He could see him giving in, feeling himself giving in, having a notion this wasn’t going to be soft at all. They both needed a real cathartic release after everything over last few weeks. Hell the last month. All bets would be off. Steve would let Bucky rip his goddamn skin off if he needed to. If that’s what it took to get it all out. Steve would do anything for Bucky.

“Damn you punk.” Bucky hissed, yanking his arm out of Steve’s manacle grip and lifting it to Steve’s hair, getting a hold of it, and Steve groaned at the feel of that grip. “Damn you…”

Bucky then pulled Steve’s his lips to his hungrily, allowing Steve to press him more against the wall, Which Steve was glad to do, moaning thickly in need. Steve let got of his metal arm as well, both his hands sliding over Bucky’s ass hard causing him to moan deeply into Steve’s mouth as he squeezed it tightly, possessively.

The metal fingers dug into his neck sharply and Steve growled against his lips before lifting him up effortlessly. He spun him around and in a whirl they were they were on the bed, clothes coming off quickly.

Steve raised himself up, straddling Bucky’s now naked body, hands planted on either side of him, and looked in his eyes for the first time since fever had taken them both. A short moment of sanity where he lifted his hand to trail it over his chest almost reverently. Taking in the view with loving, lust filled eyes. Watching the way they fluttered as his fingers slid over his skin. The way his hands curled into claws as his eyes darkened to the color of a stormy sea.

He sat up on his knees and ran his hands over his hips, gripping them and pulling them to him. “If you need to scratch and bit.. do it to me..” He purred to him, leaning over a little to look in those beautiful eyes. “Not yourself.. I’m here to take it for you.. whatever you can give me… “ His fingers dug into Bucky’s hips even more. “Because I love you..”

He leaned over further, kissing him deeply, and felt his arms wrap around his back, the fingers digging in, the metal one already stinging his flesh, and pulled him to him hard. Letting it begin. Losing himself in the haze of once claiming his feral bear as his own all over again.

\--

It was hard, primal, exactly what he realized he’d needed all along.

Steve held his hips as he rose to his knees and just fucked him senseless. He was aware of his hands skating and scratching his chest, and the way that just seemed to push Steve further, causing him to pound him harder. His body arched as Steve leaned over him and those fingers found his back, clawing at him as Steve bit his neck hard, possessively.

Bucky was so turned on by that possessiveness. That raw look in his eyes. It made him feel safe, cherished. Loved in the most beautiful way possible and it released it, all the pain and anger he was directing at himself, and set him free from restraints he was putting on himself as well

He’d y cum once already when Steve pulled out of him and flipped him around, grabbing his hips aggressively and using his hands to part him again, put that talented mouth to good use, devouring him and holy shit it didn’t take long to make him fall over the edge again, his fingers ripping the blanket apart as he did. Incoherent sounds, whimpers and whines of pleasure were falling out of him, his throat already hoarse from it.

And then he was back inside him again, holding his hips and giving him everything he had now. Everything completely disappeared into that foggy haze of pleasure, his eyes rolling, hands flexing into the mattress now as he was beautifully pounded into oblivion.

His hair was gripped and he was pulled back into Steve’s arms when they stilled for a moment, his breath coming out of him in ragged gasps. He could feel Steve’s lips on his neck, chewing on that tender spot again and Bucky whined deeper in his throat, pushing back against him, his legs straddling Steve’s knees, wanting him to finish him for the third time.

“Please…” He begged, wriggling against him, little micro bursts of pleasure rolling through as he did so. “I need..”

Steve hand went to his forehead, brushing his hair lovingly. “I know you do sweetheart.” He whispered in his ear. “I’m just giving you a break..”

He growled and wiggled again, trying to push it a little more. “Don’t.. need one.. please…”

Steve’s arm tightened around him, holding him in place, his hot breath in Bucky’s ear. “Who’s in charge darling?” He asked in that same husky voice, his other arm wrapped around Bucky’s waist, holding him to him.

“You..” He moaned, letting his arms fall limply to his side.

“That’s my good boo bear..” Steve whispered in his ear, his hands now sliding softly over Bucky’s trembling things. “So patient.” He began sucking another mark sweetly on his neck. “And let me fel you like this a little longer my love..”

Bucky whined again, his eyes fluttering, enjoying the praise and dominance. The control over his desire and anger. Steve had a good grip on him and squeezing Bucky’s hips with his hands. He was trembling with his need but this restraint, unlike like others that had been put onto him, made him feel safe and protected. Feel loved. His head fell back onto Steve’s shoulders and he let himself breathe, a shudder going through him at every slight movement as he was still sweetly embedded inside him. He sighed, feeling more relaxed than he had in over a month.

“You ready for more beautiful?” Steve whispered in his ear. “Just say the word..”

Oh was he ever. “Yes…” He breathed, shifting on him. “Please…”

And when it began again it was exquisite, Steve leaned him forward and plowed him again and Bucky’s moans and cries grew louder, he tore up more of the sheets and then gripped Steve’s forearms scratching them hard as Steve chewed on his other shoulder. As he thrusted back against him with just as much enthusiasm. Putting all his pain and rage into giving and taking like he wanted to. Needed to. It felt so fucking good just to let go of it. He growled like animal, biting his lips so hard he could actually tasted the blood in his mouth.

The sheets ripped even more. The bed creaked. His throat hoarse from the exertion. But still it continued unabated for some time. Knowing he’d be sore tomorrow but didn’t any shits about that at all.

The pleasure was so intense now that he was starting to climb into that beautiful haze he had never realized he needed until he found it again. That safe place where none of those horrible things could reach him. The ones that hurt him, the guilt over the things he’d done, how he’d failed. And that frightening darkness.

This place was far from it and he went there with open arms, falling beautifully into it, knowing he would be caught. Steve would always catch him. He’d never let him fall again.

He went there when he came again, his eyes closing, wrapped up in his arms, a smile on his face as he succumbed to it.

\--

Steve laid him down on his side, holding him close. Running his hand over him, up and down. Hearing him purr like a contented kitten. He looked so beautiful, so peaceful and saited. Steve smiled softly, pressing his lips to his head as he kept him comfortable.

The sex had been rough but instead of feeling bad like he used him, like he’d hurt him, he’d realized that instead he’d helped him release some of that tension and anger. And had the scratches to prove it too.

They stung a little but they would go away. They’d heal like everything else eventually. And he found he’d liked that sting, the way Bucky had drawn a little blood like that, it made him feel claimed too, just like Bucky had confessed him once, a little sheepishly that he enjoyed when Steve bit him and left those marks.

“I like when you claim like that.” He’d said once as they were snuggled up close once night. “I feel safe..”

He had remembered smiling and kissing his nose. “You’ll never have a reason not to feel that way Buck.”

Steve looked at his arms, at the scratches on them and smiled softly, thinking of that moment. And this one. The softness, the intimacy and vulnerability of it. How much he loved him and do anything for him. How he’d take the brunt of it all just to have this right here. After everything that they’d done to him, that part of him and would always feel that he didn’t protect him from them, taking that was the least he could do for him now.

Giving him what he needed to cope so he wouldn’t punish himself anymore.

He felt Bucky stir next to him and open his eyes, a beautiful smile lighting up his face as he proceeded to nuzzle Steve’s chest drowsily. “Hey there gorgeous.” He whispered to him, kissing his nose. “Welcome back.”

Bucky lifted his hand and put it on Steve’s face, kissing him softly and Steve could feel those fingers threading through his head lovingly as he did so. Steve pulled him closer, his hand pressing into his back, sliding up to his scarred shoulder and caressing it gently. He could feel, and had felt already, a lot of the tension in his body was gone, at least for now. And he intended to keep him this way tonight.

“That’s what I’ve been missing I guess..” Bucky said in a still breathy voice as he pulled his lips back and just seemed to rub his face against Steve’s like contented cat. “Cause.. damn punk.” He opened those brilliant blue eyes again, which were mere inches from Steve’s. “You’re really… really good at.. that..”

“At what specifically?” He asked, knowing full well what Bucky meant but wanting to here him say it. “Tell me so I can keep doing it.”

Bucky bit his lip in that cute way of his now, almost as if shy. Not that he ever had been mind you. At least not publicly. “Showing me the error of my ways.” He explained, letting a leg wrap around Steve’s. “Taking charge and.. giving me what I need.” He inched a little closer, as if that were possible. “A good fuck to straighten me out.. and yeah..” He nuzzled his nose against Steve’s again. “This.”

Steve listened to this, flattening his hand on the small part of Bucky’s back just above his beautiful ass, with full intention of bringing it lower when the time was right. It wasn’t exactly a revelation what Bucky was saying, they had already sort of establish the dynamic when it came to this part of the relationship. And it hadn’t been lost on Steve the way Bucky reacted to his command voice. That he seemed to enjoy when Steve took charge of things there. It was what he wanted a lot of the time. Independence in some places and control in others. And the longer they’d been together the more normal and okay this was starting to feel. The less he questioned it or himself and his own enjoyment of that.

“So you feel.. better?” He asked curiously, letting that hand move a little bit lower now.

Bucky seemed to search himself a little before answering. “Yeah.” He told him, doing that lip thing again. Moving his ass into contact with Steve’s hand a little more. “I don’t feel tight anymore.. feels like it’s floating around now.”

“Well I’m glad I can help.” Steve said to him, the hand patting said ass softly, causing those dark lashes to flutter over those teal blue irises. “Whatever way I can.”

Bucky seemed to notice then a few of the scratches he left and the lip bite turned from cute to concerned as he inspected them, trailing fingers softly over the ones on his arm and looking up at Steve questioningly.

“Do they hurt?”

“No.” He told him and to be honest it wasn’t really a lie, they just felt like scratches. “They’re alright..” He smiled at him and gave him a pat on the ass reassuringly. “I kinda like it actually.. it’s like you’re marking me as yours.”

Bucky studied him for a moment and put his hand to his own neck, feeling the tender spot there. “Yeah I like when you get all possessive and claim me too punk.” He said and put his hand on Steve’s face. “It makes me feel safe… like nothing can touch me ever again.”

The way he said that with such love and sincerity just filled him with pride and that lowkey anger that anyone had ever touched him in a painful, degrading way. Had put horrible marks of abuse on him, some of which he still bore in some way. The idea that when Steve marked him it was different, that he felt protected was just made him feel even protective himself. Even though he knew, if he needed to, Bucky could take care of himself. It didn’t change the feeling at all.

“No one ever will.” Steve replied, feeling that possessiveness creep into his voice. “No one but me and that’s a goddamn guarantee.”

He then pulled him to him and kissed him again, turning him onto his back as he did. He let his hand wrap around Bucky’s hip and over his ass, lifting him and squeezing it a bit more, causing a thick moan to roll out of his throat. He let his fingers slide to the places he knew was sore from earlier, and began to stroke softly, eliciting a soft whimper from him.

“I think I’m gonna make you cum again.” He whispered against his lips. “And maybe more..” Bucky whined at this, his hips lifting a little to allow Steve access. “Because I like seeing you like that baby..”

He pulled his lips away and stared at him. His mussed up hair spread on the pillow, swollen lips parted. Blue eyes filling with desire again. Thinking he was just so beautiful, and at peace right now. And completely at his mercy. That he wanted to keep him like this as long as possible. To keep drawing that tension out until he was limp in his arms. To know he was the only one who could do that for him now. So he sunk his fingers in, a couple at a time and stroked him and watched those beautiful eyes, the color of a stormy sea, flutter as he succumbed to him all over again.

“So I want you to relax tonight.” He whispered to him, letting his lips teasingly brush his. “To let everything go and just let me take care of you… you got that?”

“Uh huh..” Bucky gasped, his hands flexing on the already damaged sheets. “Sure..”

“Everything else can wait..” He continued to say, massaging him inside as he leaned over him. “Just concentrate on this my love.. and show me how beautiful you can be..”

He watched Bucky give into it with no objection whatsoever. And Steve was good at his word.

\--

Bucky felt like he was in a very soft, very safe place. Every bit of tension he’d been carrying had fallen off in the onslaught of pleasure, making him loose and pliable. Mailable to Steve in every way. And when he was done with his hands, he wanted more. Was drunk on it in the best way possible.

He was on top now, riding him soft and slow, in a perfect rhythm, their bodies completely in sync like they always had been. The serum may have given Steve the gift of great stamina, but it had also not only made Bucky multi-orgasmic but had had increased the intensity of the orgasms for both of them. Which culminated in mind-blowing experiences pretty much every time. It was one of the few side-effects Bucky actively appreciated.

Not that it hadn’t always been great, it had. But now, it was just ridiculous.

Steve had one hand buried in Bucky’s hair, gripping it hard, and the other flat on his back, keeping him leaning over and facing him as he moved. And Bucky, for his part had slid the metal hand over his chest and occasionally on his throat, letting it flex softly as he braced himself with the other. He’d been practicing this for a while, wanting to trust himself with it. And Steve seemed to like the feel of it, sometimes wrapping his own hand around the metal rivets of the arm and directing it.

They had long since learned what that other liked the most. And continued to learn. Like today with the scratching. The way it had helped relive the pressure Bucky felt inside.

He had been worried about hurting him, but Steve had reassured him it was okay. That he was here to let him do what he needed to do, even if that meant a little stinging pain. Bucky accepted this, fully planning on kissing every one of those scratches, just like Steve took care of the marks he left, when he had the energy and coherency to do so.

But right now, oh right now, he was filled to the brim with Steve and taking it gladly like he always did, pushing down hard, wanting to feel every inch of him. To revel in being alive and so far from that darkness he’d almost forgotten what it looked and felt like.

He felt Steve grip his hair a little harder and growl as they thrusted against each other and clenched his knees around his hips in response. Bucky’s eyes rolled with the intensity of his pleasure, the way it lighted every nerve ending his body like those damn fireworks on the fourth of July. Thinking about how he’d kissed Steve the first time under them, the way his lips had felt, soft and warm. Perfect. Remembering the relief of finally doing it. This came to him a lot when he’d orgasm like this. His most perfect memory and it always sent him plunging into that beautiful crashing climax.

“You’re so… beautiful….” Steve would breath to him in those moments, between deep delicious thrusts. “My… Bucky… my Soldier.. my everything…”

He said those words all the time, and each time it just finished him. The Winter Soldier part of him reacting as well, doubling it with his own feelings of love and desire. It always destroyed him in the best possible ways.

He cried out hoarsely, his throat ravaged by overuse tonight as he came apart completely again, body tightening, gripping and then loosening until he just bonelessly collapsing into Steve’s waiting arms. Breathing heavily, heart still racing, tremors still wracking his body in the most beautiful way possible. Like thrums of energy that warmed him up softly.

He was definitely going to be sore tomorrow he thought, but for now he felt nothing but that sweet thrumming and reveled in it, purring like a kitten as he lay sprawled on top of Steve.

“We…love you.. too..” He gasped, his face buried against Steve’s chest. “Our Steve.”

He was thinking, in an abstract, hazy kind of way that that Winter Soldier part of him seemed to come to the front more when he was on top. When he was riding him like that. It seemed that part of him had a preferred position he mused to himself and chuckled a little as he nuzzled Steve’s chest lazily as he lay there sprawled over him, spent and saited. It was all good.

“What’s so funny?” Steve asked curiously, his hand combing through Bucky’s now very messy hair.

“Nothing.” He said, turning his head and resting his chin on Steve’s chest. “A few hours ago I felt like shit and now…” He smiled and laid his head back down on his chest. “I don’t.”

Steve kissed his head softly, his other hand rubbing Bucky’s back in a slow circle. “That’s good.” He said in soft voice, those fingers softly combing Bucky’s hair, relaxing him further. “I want you to feel better.”

He nuzzled his lips against Steve’s warm skin, wrapping his metal arm tighter around his waist and took in the rise and fall of his respiration and his heartbeat. Took the comfort from this. Knowing that a nights worth of fucking wasn’t going to fix the issues for him. But it had accomplished something. It made him want to talk more. To open up even more. Especially now that he was home, and they were in their own bed. In a place he felt totally safe.

“Steve?” He said in a quiet voice, barely over a whisper. “I’m sorry.”

Steve gently pulled on Bucky’s hair so he’s look up at him. “For what Buck?”

“For the way I’ve been lately.” He told him, looking into his steady blue eyes. “For not trusting you like I should’ve.”

“It’s okay I get it.” Steve said in a soft voice. “And you’re forgiven.”

Bucky shook his head at that, needing to get this across. “But that’s just it.. I don’t think you should let it go that easy.” He explained, pulling himself a little and leaning over him. “You know, let me off the hook when I lied to you for as long as I did..” He trailed his fingers over Steve’s face, feeling the light stubble of hair growing in with his flesh fingers. “I was.. happy that you got a little mad earlier because you have a right to be because I hurt you.”

He felt like shit about this still, like he didn’t deserve the forgiveness and he knew it was something he needed to talk about in therapy because the thought was still in his mind even now. A deep sense that no should forgive himself easily. That the things he’d done were too horrible to be forgiven in spite of the fact he had been. It must’ve shown in his eyes because Steve’s look softened even more at the sight of his face.

“I love you Buck.” He said, holding his face with his hands. “It’s why I’ll always forgive you.. even if you can’t forgive yourself.”

He couldn’t take that, his emotions all topsy-turvy now. He saw that book on the table, accusing him. Heard those mocking words from Zemo. _You were responsible for some of that too.._ Saw the broken and mirror and the cuts on his knuckles. Heard that message on his phone over and over again.

Beating Steve senseless on the carrier, knowing he’d been a breath away from killing him. 6 years ago and still couldn’t forget it. Never mind that hand on his throat 2 years ago and everything since. He was just so broken open it was all he could think of. How the hell could he forgive him after all that?

Closing his eyes he pressed his face against Steve’s, hearing himself whimper softly. “I don’t deserve it.” He said, barely above a whisper. “I don’t.”

He could feel Steve stroking his hair, combing it with his fingers, comforting him. “Now that hurts me.” Steve said just as quietly back. “So please stop saying that.”

Before Bucky had time to process what Steve had said his lips were crushed into another kiss and he was turned on his back once again, body pressed into the mattress. He could barely breath or move, couldn’t resist the feeling safety and love that came with this. That feeling of being claimed and possessed again. And as he put his hands on Steve’s face he could feel some wetness there and realized it was tears over what he’d said and it caused him sharp pain to think of that. So he wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and held him to him.

“I’ll stop…” He whispered in between kissing him. “I promise.”

Bucky wrapped his legs as well his arms around Steve, holding him to him as if to reassure him that he would try. Kissing his face and lips and anywhere else he could get to. Apologizing as best he could. They went on just like that for a long time, kissing and touching softly deep into the night.

\--

Steve had been holding Bucky tightly against him, when his shaking woke him up. Or mor precisely, the horrible cry that came out of him as he awoke from a deep sleep nightmare, struggling and shaking violently.

His eyes were open but he wasn’t quite awake yet. Not all the way at least.

“S-Steve..” He stammered, his hands clutching Steve’s forearms like manacles. “I-I killed y-you…”

“Bucky no I’m right here see?” He tried to reassure him, his hand on his face. “I’m here..”

He was hysterical, his eyes darting everywhere like he wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t a dream. That he thought they still had him or something and they were playing a trick on him. Steve knew they’d done that to him using drugs and sleep depravation during his ‘conditioning’ as they called it. That even now, after all these years he was still working through this in his sleep. Remembering all the times he’d woken up as the Winter Soldier, a totally separate entity it had seemed. But just a split in his mind caused by that same abuse and torture.

It still and would forever make him angry the things they’d one to him.

“This is a trick…” Bucky argued, his eyes looking mad as they darted around. “You’re not.. real.. I killed you..”

“I’m real Bucky I swear.” He told him, soothing him with soft touches. “Look at me...”

His darting eyes seemed to find Steve and focus on him, his arms twisting up around Steve’s for purchase. The grip hurt a little but not as much as the fact that this still happened sometimes. Usually during bad periods like this. His therapist had told him the best thing he could do was to calm him and ride them out, without resorting to anger or frustration.

“It’s okay..” He repeated, his fingers brushing his hair softly. “You’re safe.”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to clear and focus more. Reacting to the familiar touch. The violent shaking and labored breathing started to calm into a tremble, and the grip on his arms loosened a little. He was more lucid, less panicked, but not out of it yet. This flashback nightmare had summoned an anxiety attack and it needed to run it’s course.

“There you go.” He said in a soothing voice, leaning over and kissing his head softly. “That’s my Bucky..”

He then carefully pulled him up into his arms and held him against his chest so he could feel his heartbeat. So it could sink in that this was real. That he was safe again. He stroked his hair as he held him, Bucky’s arms just hanging limply as they slid off Steve’s arms, the tremble in his body slowly abating into calmness.

Eventually Bucky’s arms came back up and wrapped around Steve’s shoulder and he buried his face into his chest. “I dreamed.. I killed you..” He told him, his voice choked and muffled against Steve’s shoulder. “It felt so real..”

“I know.” He whispered into his hair, still stroking it comfortingly. “But it wasn’t. I’m right here.”

He could feel Bucky’s face nuzzle into his bare chest, could feel the wetness of tears and as much he hated when that happened, he knew that was good for him too. To just let that pain out even though he hated doing it. He rubbed his back with his other hand and just held him closer to him.

“I can’t lose you..” Bucky seemed to sob into his shoulder, clutching Steve’s back with his hands. “I can’t..”

“You won’t.” He reassured him. “I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

He knew there was no guarantee. That both of them knew how fickle fate was, but at that moment he had to say something. He was broken down and needed to hear it. And he just seemed to curl around Steve like he did the other night, but even more so. Like he was the only thing that kept him from falling and maybe he was. It was a huge responsibility, but he’d made a vow he’d never let him fall again.

Bucky pulled back eventually, his face red and his eyes raw. He leaned his head against Steve’s and sighted. “God I’m still such a hot fucking mess.”

“Yeah you are.” Steve teased, cupping his chin with his hand. “But I happen to like hot messes.” He nuzzled their faces together again. “Especially brunettes.”

Bucky actually laughed. “Yeah you’re kinda stupid like that punk.”

“Only stupid for you jerk.” He teased back, brushing a messy strand of hair away from his eyes. “Only for you.”

Bucky nodded tiredly and leaned against his shoulder and Steve pulled him back down next to him, wrapping him up the blanket again until he was cocooned it with Steve. The full length of their bodies touching each other skin on skin, with Bucky tucking his head under Steve’s chin.

“Get some sleep.” He whispered into hair. “You got a busy day tomorrow.”

“Aye aye Captain.” Bucky replied with a little sass.

It wasn’t long before the cat joined them, done with her nightly antics around the house, as cats did. It was after all, early morning and the sun was starting to peak up over the horizon. But Steve wanted Bucky to sleep a little more. To sleep off the nightmare and start another day fresh.

And after their enthusiastic return to normalcy in bed, they were both exhausted and fell asleep, just like that. And stayed that way for several hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so a few things: 
> 
> Steve's drawings, which I love and it was something they didn't do much with in canon, and I love when people put it in their fics as a part of his story. And that his main muse is Bucky is no surprise. The fact that both Steve and Bucky utilize art (that latter through painting and writing) as a means of expression is no accident being an artist myself. But I like Bucky being able to see himself through Steve's eyes by looking at those drawings. It helps him, it really does. 
> 
> I also love that Wanda can give Steve an insight into Bucky's motivations for not telling him about these things because it's true. Often its hard to tell the people closest to us the things that really hurt us because, well they are too close. And in Bucky's case he is trying to protect Steve from the worst of these things. Its not that he doesn't want to he just can't. And I do enjoy that he's got all the dirt in the world on Steve which of course makes things fun. 
> 
> The flirty tension early on was fun too and sort of building up the idea that they haven't been 'intimate' in a while and while it's not the only part of their relationship, it's still a big part, and for Bucky (and Steve too) a tension release that he was fighting for fear of losing control of it. So when the dam finally breaks and they allow it gets a little interesting there. The roughness and the dominant/submissive elements come out, especially when there's tension and anger like there has been. And I wanted to show that's completely healthy for them as well. It was something that both of them, to a degree have figured out and gradually learned to accept. 
> 
> I did look up scratching related to anxiety and it is a thing that happens so I was relieved that at least was some what accurate. It's also a way of releasing tension as well, maybe a mild form of self-harm (as if there is a mild version) but if you do that you should probably talk to someone because there is no good reson to hurt yourself I'm just saying. I want to put that out there. 
> 
> His dream about killing Steve was inspired some drabble someone wrote around an artwork of Bucky succeeding in his mission only to wake up and realize it was a dream. Its been mentioned in this and the previous fic that Hydra used drugs and sleep deprivation to mess with Bucky's head and make him question reality, and that can have long term effects on the mind. And it certainly played on Bucky's how close he'd come to killing Steve on occasion as well, and in the aftermath of dealing with Daniel's death Bucky has come to realize just how important Steve is to him and the idea that he almost succeeded in killing him a couple of times is terrifying for him to contemplate. 
> 
> Okay the next chapter, while lacking a title, is going to take place on Christmas so it's going to have more light-hearted and sweet moments just so you know :) 
> 
> Oh and btw Marshmellow Fluff is amazing and is great with hot cocoa, that's the way my mom made it :D
> 
> And thank you all for all the comments I appreciate them greatly <3<3


	7. The NIght Before...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, like I said, issues going on but I got it up. And it was a nice stress release for me as you'll see :)
> 
> Per usual, artwork on my Tumblr page :)

He tried but couldn’t sleep, just laid there in Steve’s arms, staring at the increasing light coming into the window.

It was Christmas Eve officially. And he was finally greeting the morning in his own bed.

Somehow in the course of the few hours since his very terrifying nightmare, he’d ended spooned in Steve’s arms from behind, feeing the comfort of his large body behind him, his face buried in Bucky’s hair. Which always caused him amusement, wondering how he breathed like that, but he had to have been because he was snoring up a storm. Which was just another comforting sound of home to Bucky. That and the little ball of fur purring just under of his metal arm. He was snug as a bug in a rug, a term his mother used to use he thought amused and had no desire to get up just yet.

But he had to. He had things to do. Starting with a therapy appointment. Followed by setting up the VA dinner at the hall. It was going to be a busy day, but in another way, he looked forward to it. It would feel like he was accomplishing something again.

Getting himself back together for one.

So he reluctantly extracted himself from Steve’s arms, trying to be careful not to wake him and sat up on the side of the bed, trying to get his head on straight. Trying to shake off the dream he’d had. Remembering how real it felt, and that brief moment when he wasn’t sure if the reality in front of him was real or not. That old confusion that used to plague him upon waking but hadn’t showed up much lately. A byproduct of mental mind-games they’d played on him, using sleep deprivation and drugging to confuse his reality. It was a big part of his torture and it upset him that it still reared its ugly head sometimes.

_“Your Captain Rogers is dead..” The man in the boots had said as he yanked his hair violently. “I’m your Captain now.” _

Bucky’s hands gripped the side of the bed at the memory of that vicious implication of that statement. He felt Arya climb onto his lap and rub herself against him and he scooped her up onto his metal, happy for the comfort the sweet little cat provided.

“Thanks darlin’” He said softly to her, feeling her nuzzle her little face into his neck. “Love you too.”

It was like she sensed he needed her, and he did. That memory was horrible. He’d only retrieved it with the last few months. Amelia had told him his memory recall would be fluid due the physical and mental traumas. Saying he may randomly recall details he hadn’t before while they were digging through his mind to clear the debris. And as much as he hated this, he knew he had to if he was every going to get through all of it.

But it still sucked as he sat there on the bed, letting the horror of the memory the dream had brought back wash over him. The ugly fact was that that they hadn’t completely lied about Steve’s fate, just manipulated the facts in just the right way.

He was so caught up in this thought that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a pair of arms come around him from behind, but immediately relaxed when he felt Steve’s warm lips press into the back of his neck.

“You’re up early.” He whispered into his neck. “You alright?”

“Yeah I just couldn’t sleep.” Bucky told him, leaning back into his arms for comfort from his earlier thoughts. “Figured I’d get an early start on the day.”

“So you were just gonna sneak out on me jerk?” Steve teased, nuzzling his neck just under his hair. “Is that how it is?”

Bucky smiled at this, letting himself relax even more. “Yeah punk what of it?” He sassed back, turning his head slightly. “Figured I’d remove the temptation by not waking you.”

“Whose temptation are we talking about?” Steve asked, and Bucky could see him smirking out of the corner of his eye. “Yours or mine?”

Bucky smiled even wider, happy for the distraction. Letting Arya down to scamper off, he turned around, straddling Steve’s lap with his knees and putting his arms around his neck. “Both.” He told him, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “Cause you know how it is punk.” He smiled sassily pressing his head to Steve’s “I got things to do.”

“Oh yeah.” Steve replied, holding him a little closer in a teasing restraint. “Well maybe I’m not ready to let you out of bed yet gorgeous.”

He felt a hand in his hair, gripping in a soft yet firm way and it had the desired effect of turning the teasing into a full-blown kiss. Bucky was happy for it, for that distraction. And he didn’t fight it when Steve put him down on his back and continued to kiss him, pressing him into the mattress. He even wrapped his thighs around Steve’s hips, wanting him closer, moaning softly into his mouth, his own fingers now tangling in Steve’s blonde hair as he did so.

“So..” Steve whispered against his lips. “Where were you going in such a hurry you had to sneak out on me?”

“Made a therapy appointment.” He replied as he pulled his lips away to look up at him. “Figured it might be a good idea to… you know… talk about things.”

Steve gave him a soft look and put his hand on his face, stroking it gently. “You didn’t have to do it toady Buck.” He told him, leaning on an elbow. “It’s Christmas Eve it can wait.”

“No it can’t.” Bucky said, shaking his head. “Not after that dream it can’t.”

“It really got to you didn’t it?”

He thought about it and let his arms twist around Steve’s like they usually did when he was a scared and unsure. When he needed an anchor to calm himself. Wondering if he should tell him or wait for his appointment, but decided he’d held back enough from Steve lately. Had shut him out and didn’t want to do that anymore.

“It wasn’t so much the dream..” He confessed, letting his fingers trail over a scratch he’d left the night before. “It was that when I woke up I…for a moment wasn’t sure if this was real or just some trick… like the ones they used to pull on me in there.” He chewed on his lip a little more. “It scares me that I felt that way, that that shit is still in my head.. “

“They messed with you a lot Buck.” Steve told him, sliding one of his arms around Bucky and wrapping it around his waist. “There’s no shame in still being confused sometimes.”

“I know but..” He protested, pressing his lips together in frustration. “I should be-“

“Stop.” Steve told him, putting a finger to his lips to shush him. “Don’t even say it.”

Bucky looked at him, slightly surprised at this admonition, but the truth was Steve knew exactly what he was going to say. Because he’d said it so many times before. _I should be over this by now._ Over being a wreck. A goddamn mess. Everything. He was getting predictable on that shit, and he could see in Steve’s eyes he didn’t want to hear him put himself down like that again. To give himself a break for once.

“I’m sorry punk.” He told him, shaking his head. “I’m like a goddamn broken record.”

Steve’s hand slid up his back underneath him and gripped his hair softly, causing an unintended moan to escape his throat. “Stop doing that too.”

There was a slight growl in his voice as he said it and that loosened Bucky up even more. Thinking of the night before. The growly command in Steve’s voice right before he’d pressed him into the wall to start the festivities. It turned him on so much to hear it, still feeling that pleasant soreness like an ache now, causing his legs to squeeze his hips a little tighter as a result, almost rubbing himself and liking the friction it caused, sending a shiver up his body.

“Stop doing what?” He asked, his voice a little breathy.

“Apologizing.” Steve told him in that same tone, his lips skimming Bucky’s. “You got nothing to apologize for…you hear me?”

Bucky nodded and allowed himself to kissed again, even fiercer than before. Suddenly he didn’t care if he was late. Amelia would understand, she always did. Their tongues danced together deep in their mouths and he whined again, feeling Steve pressing against him and wanting him back inside again, railing him until he couldn’t take it. He felt insatiable, like a starving man, realizing they’d opened a door last night and reignited each other in a whole new way.

They were in one of their lovely ‘sprees’ again and there was no stopping that train once it started.

“When’s your appointment?” Steve asked, pulling Bucky’s head back by his hair and fastening his lips to his throat now.

“ummm….” Bucky replied, trying to think but it was getting more difficult by the moment. “11. I think..”

“Good…” Steve purred against his skin. “Cause it’s only 9..” He hit a tender spot causing Bucky to yelp. “We got plenty of time..”

Bucky just moaned in agreement. There was always time for this in his opinion. His hands fell off of Steve in almost complete submission to him, his hair pulled back and throat exposed more to Steve’s onslaught. Thinking he was going to look like a damn pin cushion with all the hickeys on his neck but not caring in the slightest. He loved it, craved it like water.

He then felt Steve’s fingers penetrate him and begin stroking again and like usual he lost all coherent thought. Other than this was a great way to start Christmas.

“Yeah..” He moaned, opening his legs wider to allow more access. “We.. sure do..”

And when he hit that beautiful bundle of nerves, he lost his breath and thought, sinking into the pleasure again without a care in the world.

\--

He had gotten Bucky to the point of begging, that whine in his voice a beautiful sound to Steve. Not in a torturous kind of way but in the way that it pleasurable. The sound of sweet acceptance and willing submission. By the time Steve had pulled his hand away from him, Bucky had that glazed, ‘fuck me’ look of someone who no longer cared fi he was late. And voiced that lack of caring quite plainly.

“Quit messing around and fuck me punk..” He hissed, his fingers grabbing onto Steve’s shoulders deliciously again. “I ain’t got all day.”

“I thought you were worried about being late jerk.” Steve replied, lips skimming over Bucky’s teasingly. “Something about beating traffic.”

“Don’t give a shit about that..” Bucky responded breathlessly, his hips bucking against Steve’s. “I want you to.. make me late…really late…”

Steve grinned against his lips, gripping those hips tightly in his hands. The fever was still in them, they’d get into this phase, and sometimes it lasted several days, where just couldn’t get enough of each other. Sometimes it happened after breaks from intimacy, other times it was just random, like they were in heat or something. Whatever it was, they always gave themselves over to it, which sometimes screwed up other plans but in these periods of perpetual lust, neither one of them cared. They obeyed their urges and surrendered themselves to their mutual insanity until the thirst was quenched. Even if it took days. Or even a week.

“It’s like that huh?” He asked against his lips. “Anything for my beautiful bear..”

And he sunk into him again, pulling those gorgeous thighs around him as he did, taking his lips at the exact same time. He felt Bucky’s arms wrap around his neck, metal fingers in his hair, and the vibrations of his moans in his chest. He then released his hips from his tight grip and braced himself on the bed and gave him everything he had, not holding anything back.

The bed creaked, the headboard hit the wall in that familiar rhythmic way, and room filled with sounds of intense pleasure.

They came together gloriously, sealing the deal with a deep kiss that lasted several breathless minutes, their fingers entwining on the bed intimately, flexing together as shudders continued to run through their still linked for a while afterward.

It was a chore getting out of bed today that was for damn sure.

By the time Bucky had managed to disentangle himself from Steve his eyes had that glazed, fucked out look, his lips swollen from kissing, hair a mess. He’d gathered some clothes and held Steve back from him with a saucy look in his hooded eyes as he stood, still partially naked by the bathroom door.

“If I let you in with me I’m never leavin’..” He informed him, his hand on the door-know. “It’s too damn dangerous.”

Steve still leaned over him his hand flat on the door next to his head. “You know locked doors don’t keep me out.” He told him, nuzzling his neck teasingly. “Not when it comes to you jerk.”

“I’m begging you punk..” Bucky asked, his breathing shortening again. “Have mercy on me.”

He looked in those gorgeous teal colored eyes and could see how just difficult it was. Could see his heaving chest and the way he bit he his lip. He was so damn gorgeous, so sexy and enticing with that look in his eyes. Steve knew he was completely at his mercy and that if he kissed him at that moment, he’d give in. It was tempting as hell because he loved seeing him like this, with his normal troubles far from his mind. At that moment he was just his Bucky, a perfectly contented creature of pure desire. He was literally jaw-droppingly beautiful it almost took his breath away just to look at him.

“Okay I’ll spare you..” He whispered to him, backing off a little and smiling devilishly at him. “For now.”

Bucky seemed to quail a little at that insinuation and then gave him a saucy smile before backing into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. He heard the water tun on not long after and shook his head trying to clear of it the image of that gorgeous body lathered and soap. It was a difficult task.

Instead he busied himself with breakfast, making some eggs and toast for Bucky, and sharing a little bacon with Arya. Bucky still didn’t like bacon for his own reasons, the smell mostly, so it was Steve and Arya’s little breakfast time together.

“Here you go sweetie.” He told the little cat as she perched on his broad shoulder and took the bacon he gave her. “All yours.”

When Bucky finally came out, Steve had coffee and juice for him as well. Steve took him in as he as drying his hair with a towel, once again taken by just lovely he always looked. A pair of faded jeans and a maroon colored long sleeved shirt which fit him perfectly per usual. He was always attracted to him but today holy hell it was like enhanced tenfold.

“You gotta stop looking at me like that punk.” Bucky told him, a sly smile on his face. “You’re making me blush..”

Steve put Arya down on a chair and walked over and slid his arm around his waist, pulling him close again. “Can’t help it.” He told him, his face within inches of Bucky’s. “You’re just too gorgeous.” He slid a hand in his damp hair, their foreheads touching. “It should be illegal.”

He simply couldn’t help but kiss him again and Bucky didn’t fight it in the slightest. “Well..” He whispered against Steve’s lips. “You’re not too shabby yourself Captain.”

Steve eventually found the strength to peal himself away from Bucky so he could eat breakfast and drink his coffee, looking up at Steve of the rim of it every so often in a cute way. He loved this too, the domesticity of it, the way Bucky checked his phone like he used to read the paper back in the day. Sometimes Steve was unable to believe they could have this after everything. It was unbelievable.

He remembered earlier, the way Bucky had woken up, terribly confused and shaking from a nightmare and suddenly wanted to make sure he was, in fact okay as well. Just to check.

“So you alright?” He asked, being careful not to sound too overbearing.

Bucky looked up at him, his juice in one hand, phone in the other, looking surprised. “Of course I am.” He answered and gave Steve a saucy smirk. “After what you just did to me punk, I’m flyin’.”

Steve chuckled at that and then got serious. “I mean about the dream and…” He paused, reaching out to touch his arm. “Everything else.”

Bucky bit his lips for a moment, as if thinking, which was simultaneously cute and troubled at the same time. He seemed to do an internal check on himself, as if deciding how much he wanted to say, and Steve was worried for a moment he was going to shut down again. But he didn’t. At least not this time.

“Am I ever really alright?” He asked with a hollow laugh. “I mean relatively speaking.”

“Cut that out.” Steve admonished. “You know what I mean.”

Bucky nodded, putting his phone down and turning to him a little more. “I haven’t had a dream like that in a while to be honest.” He told him, looking into his eyes as if searching. “At least that I remember. And that bothers me.”

“They said the bad dreams would be normal Buck.” Steve reassured him, taking the metal hand, which had hung nervously between Bucky’s knees. “You just have to be patient with yourself.”

“I know.” Bucky answered, taking a deep breath. “It’s just frustrating.. after everything else you know?”

“Listen to me.” Steve replied, putting his other hand on the side of Bucky’s face. “I want you to relax okay?” His thumb brushed Bucky’s hair away a little. “It’s Christmas Eve and I want you to enjoy it as much as possible.”

Bucky nodded, biting his lip in that cute way again. “I’ll try.” He told him, his eyes looking into Steve’s. “I’ll get it out in my appointment and just try and.. put it out of my head the rest of the day.” He leaned closer, leaning his head against Steve’s. “I promise.”

Steve held his head there, glad that he was trying, but was still troubled by the answer. “I know you will, but I don’t want you to pretend you’re okay if you’re not either.” He said in soft voice. “I want you to feel what you feel and not stifle it just to make me happy you got that?” He kissed his forehead gently. “If it hurts.. don’t hide it from me please.”

He wanted him to be happy, but not at the expense of his mental health. He’d done way too much of that lately and it wanted to make it clear to him that he didn’t have to. And Bucky seemed to get this, and sort of climbed into his lap from his own chair and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, his legs dangling on either side of Steve’s.

“I won’t.” He whispered into Steve’s shoulder, nuzzling it a bit. “But right now.. I’m not lying when I say I’m okay punk.” He lifted his head and brushed his lips over Steve’s. “Because this… right here..”

Their lips met again, and they kissed sweetly, Steve tasting the eggs and coffee on his lips, thinking this was perfect. He let his hands slide over his back and over Bucky’s jean clad thighs, caressing them softly, feeling him sigh against his lips, his own hands buried in Steve’s hair. The way he shifted on Steve’s lap was making him want to clear the table and put him right on it and resume their earlier activities. It was a strong urge, but he resisted it. Painfully.

Reluctantly pulling away he grabbed a forkful of Bucky’s breakfast and held it to him as he sat on Steve’s lap. “Now finish your breakfast jerk.” He insisted, adding that little command in his voice that Bucky liked. “Captains orders.”

“Yes sir.” Bucky said with a smirk, letting Steve put the fork his mouth and sucking the food off it. “If you insist.”

Just the way he did that made it even more difficult, the way his lips curled around the fork and his tongue licked it as he shifted in his lap again. Knowing exactly what he was doing and enjoying himself immensely.

Breakfast could be enjoyable sometimes, he thought, letting his other hand slide over Bucky’s thigh as he watched him eat. Oh he had more plans for this beautiful tease later on tonight. They were just getting warmed up.

“So Captain?” Bucky mused as he saucily sucked more food off his fork. “You planning on letting me go or am I am your prisoner today?”

Steve laughed and patted his ass. “That’s an interesting take Sergeant Barnes.” He observed, that hand sliding over his thigh again, dragging against the now taut denim. “Considering you’re the one who climbed into my lap in the first place.”

“Oh yeah that’s right.” Bucky replied, hooding his eyes and wiggling a little more on his lap. “I did do that didn’t I?”

“Uh huh.” Steve told him, wrapping his other hand around the back of Bucky’s head, bunching that loose ponytail in his fingers. “So it seems you’re a willing prisoner.” He brushed his lips over Bucky’s again. “Free to go whenever you want.”

Bucky raised his eyes to look at the clock behind Steve’s head for a moment, those teal blue irises shifting beautiful under his dark lashes before they looked back at Steve mischievously. “Well I still got a little time.” He observed, shirting in Steve’s lap yet again and trailing his fingers over his chest. “I don’t have to go just yet..”

And with that affirmation he kissed him again and Steve could feel Bucky’s metal hand sliding under his shirt and scraping the skin softly as they did. Could feel his thighs through both their jeans and groaned into the kiss, their tongues dancing merrily again as they made out in the kitchen chair. He let his other hand squeeze Bucky’s ass softly, causing one of the beautiful whines to come from his throat. Both of them wishing they had more time to indulge in each other. It would have to wait for later though.

Finally they separated and Bucky did, reluctantly get up off his lap. Steve needed a minute before he could stand up however causing Bucky to smirk at him. “Hold that thought until later punk.” He told him, knowing exactly what was going on. “And I promise I’ll help you with it.” He grabbed his keys off the table and put his jacket on. “Maybe if you’re a good boy I’ll give you an early Christmas present.”

Steve had an idea what he meant by that and the thought of it didn’t help the situation. The idea of that perfect mouth doing ungodly things to him was almost too much. He knew that Bucky could see the look on his face as he buttoned his jacket causing that knowing grin on his face to spread before he turned towards the cat to give her a loving pet on the head, giving Steve nice view of that glorious backside as well. Fucking tease.

“Keep it up sweetheart.” He admonished as he was finally able to at least stand up now. “Or you’re gonna be really late.”

Bucky turned at the garage door and gave him that ‘I dare you’ look. “Promises promise punk.”

Steve could not have that and went right to him, pressing him into the wall next to the door and kissing him passionately again. For even longer this time. Bucky even had the audacity to wrap a leg around him and grab his ass, pulling him closer, their bodies grinding into each other. He thought for a moment they were going to swallow each other’s tongues they were going so deep. A hairs breath away from throwing caution to the wind and fucking each other right here by the door. But sanity did ensue again.

Bucky’s looked breathless, his lips swollen, with a glazed look in his eyes as they finally pulled apart again and just stared at each other for a moment. “Damn.” He whispered. “I feeling fucking drunk..”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, trailing a hand over Bucky’s jawline reverently. “Me too.” And then he gave him another soft pat on his ass. “You better get going jerk or we’re never gonna get anything done.”

Bucky smiled, still looking a bit dazed from that last kiss. “Okay.” He agreed, sliding away and opening the door as Steve gave him room to move. “See ya at the hall later..”

“I’ll be there.” He promised, holding the door open for him and watching him get in the truck. “With my Christmas bells on.”

Bucky rolled his eyes as he sat in the truck. “You’re such a dork.” He told him, and before closing the door added. “But I love you anyways punk.”

He laughed and blew him a kiss as he backed out and saw that annoyed yet loving look on his face before shutting the door from the cold. He had a few hours to himself now and needed to cool off a bit. He didn’t know why they got like this sometimes, so hot and bothered they could barely keep their hands off each other for more than a minute. It made them both feel crazy in some ways. Almost dangerously infatuated but he knew it wasn’t that dangerous really. Just occasionally distracting.

Still felt like he needed a shower though, to cool himself off until later when they could indulge again.

But instead he hung with Arya, giving the cat some attention and relaxed for a while. Putting his feet up in the lounge chair and taking a much-needed nap. Arya lay on her back under his hand and was more than happy to take a nap with him for now, purring contentedly.

\--

“So how are you feeling today?”

Bucky looked up at Amelia, almost amused at the question. It was a complicated one really. On one hand he was feeling pretty damn good. Almost dizzy with the giddy feeling of being deliriously in love with his husband. Especially after last night and this morning. He could feel the effects of it all over him still. The buzz that was better than any drug could give him. But there was the other feeling as well.

The one that came from the stress of the last month and the dream this morning. Its residue was still there too, just under the surface.

“Where do I begin?” He asked her with a chuckle. “It’s been a hell of a month.”

“Yes it was. But I will say you look pretty good today.” She observed with a knowing smile. “Healthy and happy.”

Bucky almost felt embarrassed that he was that transparent. “Well.. Steve and I are in one of those phases where..” He started to explain and then sort of couched nervously. “Where we kinda can’t… you know.. keep our hands off each other..”

She smiled at him. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” She told him. “Your relationship is very healthy and that’s a good thing for both of you.”

For some reason that made him feel better about it, as if he could. Knowing that at least that part of his life was functioning properly. It made him think about how it hadn’t for a little while there, when he wasn’t talking, and they weren’t really doing a lot of that. How they took breaks sometimes when it got particularly rough and wondered if that was normal too.

“We kinda didn’t do much of any of that for a week or so.” He admitted. “Part of it was from the surgery and all but.”

“Not all of it was.” She finished for him. “You want to talk about that?”

He nodded, deciding it was best to just be honest, in therapy lying was counter productive. And she usually figured it out anyways. “I wasn’t talking to him.” He confessed, looking at his hands. “About anything.. not about Daniel, not about the relapse and Zemo…nothing..” He tapped his fingers together nervously. “When he’d ask I’d avoid it.. I’d drink.. or try to start something with him.. climb on him you know.. I just couldn’t talk and so one day I decided I wasn’t going to do anything.. because I didn’t trust myself to.”

“Why didn’t you trust yourself?” She asked, as if she knew answer.

“I thought I was using him like I used to. Or like I did with the booze.” He answered, putting it out there finally, in words. “And maybe I was. Because I wasn’t talking. At all.”

“You’ve talked to Steve before why couldn’t you do it this time?”

He had to find the words to explain it properly. Because she was right, he’d told Steve some pretty painful things. Although he didn’t know all the details he knew enough. But he also realized in many ways it was the Winter Soldier part of him that had told Steve more. Had been more honest. He felt he himself was a bit closed-up inside still. But for a different reason.

“Because I.. don’t want him to have to worry about me all the time.” He told her, still not making eye-contract yet. “He’d dealt with enough.. I want him to be able to relax and be happy and not have to pick up the pieces all the time when I fall apart.”

“You feel like a burden.” She said softly, reaching over to put her hand on his. “You’re not a burden to him trust me. He chooses to be with you, and that means everything that comes with it. Even taking care of you when you need it.”

Bucky bit his lip painfully. “He shouldn’t have to though.” He said in voice very close to breaking. “He’s a goddamn saint and sometimes I wish..”

“Wish what?”

“That he’d get mad at me more.” He admitted, looking up to meet her eyes. “He did last night somewhat.. and it got a bit.. rough.” He looked at his metal hand nervously. “And I kinda scratched him a little..” He gave a sheepish grin.” Well maybe a lot.”

“And you feel bad about that?” She asked, not even missing a beat on that confession.

“Kinda.” He told her, and looked at his arm, doing another internal debate. “Steve said it was better that I do it to him rather than…” He stopped and pulled up the sleeve to his flesh arm, revealing the scratches. “Than if I hurt myself like I’ve been doing.”

Amelia looked at his arm, her face unreadable for a moment. Bucky felt a bit of shame that he’d done that to himself, knowing what it must look like to her. But he let her look at it just the same. She was his therapist and she know most of the full details of what had happened to him. He didn’t have secrets here. It was a safe place for him.

“How long have you been doing this?” She asked him carefully, turning his arm in her hand. “Self-harming I mean?”

He winced at those words, but knew they were accurate. “I don’t know.” He said honestly, not really remembering when this had started. “First time I remember it was when I broke the mirror.”

“After what happened to Daniel you mean?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah after that.”

“You’re feeling some internal pressure.” She observed and pulled his sleeve back down. “ From holding things in too much. It’s why you need to talk or express it.” She then looked back up at him steadily. “Have you been harming yourself in any other way? Or than this or the drinking I mean?”

Bucky felt really bad and really exposed about this admission but knew, once again he had to be honest. “They gave me medication for my arm and I…started taking more than I should.” He confessed. “Steve noticed and.. once I realized it I gave him the bottle because..”

“Because you couldn’t trust yourself.” She finished for him. “And you’ve tried to correct it. That’s a good thing.” She thought for a second and then added. “At least as far as that goes.”

He was a little confused by that, as if there was something he was doing that maybe wasn’t good. But he didn’t ask, one thing at a time it seemed. He was already overwhelmed by the amount of things he’d just confessed to.

“So what do I do about this?” He asked, still fiddling with his fingers.

“We have to get you back into healthy habits again.” She said in that soft, understanding voice of her. “To get you to trust yourself to not only talk honestly but to be able to cope without resorting to those unhealthy solutions.” She took picked up a notebook he’d brought with him, and the picture of his latest painting. “The writing and painting are good, healthy ways to express these feelings, especially the fear and depression you’re very obviously fighting.”

“I’m trying to do that.” He told her, looking at his notes in his book. “I’ve just been distracted.”

“How are you sleeping?” She asked him, as if switching gears for a moment. Although he realized it was a related question.

“Okay I guess.” He said, shrugging a little. “I had a nightmare this morning.. first one in a while that I actually, because Steve says I have them a lot.” He took a deep breath. “This one was.. bad though..”

“Lets talk about it.” She suggested. “If you want to that is. If you’re comfortable. Something there’s meaning in our dreams we don’t see right away.”

Taking a breath Bucky told her about the nightmare, what he could remember. About completing his mission and killing Steve. About the confusion after. How a part of him didn’t believe Steve was real because they’d messed with him so much. And confessed the biggest fear it had brought back.

“There’s a still a part of me that thinks I’m gonna wake up and find that this was all a dream.” He admitted, feeling emotional now. “My life with Steve and all the good things I have was just a torturous dream.” There were tears in his eyes now. “That when I open my eyes I’ll be back in that place again and I just.. get scared.”

“It happened when you were in there didn’t it?”

“Yeah.” He said very quietly, in a broken voice. “I’d dream of being with him… or I’d see him there..” He swallowed hard, recalling this. “Only to find it wasn’t real I was still in there.. that I’d never get out.”

It was a really rough admission to make, but it felt cathartic as well. To voice the fear that he would wake up and find he’d imagined this whole life. They drugged him and sleep-deprived him to the point of madness and in the early goings he saw Steve a lot Only to have him cruelly ripped away and the horrible pain to ensue. He was horrified that that was still in there, realizing that he was still learning just how badly they’d messed with his head then. In so many insidious ways.

How it was causing this need to protect himself against this fear and depression that was threatening to sink him. And how that pressure built from hiding this was causing him to inflict internal harm on himself as a result. It was frightening to him.

It was an exhausting session that left him drained and needing to recover for a little bit.

Amelia had, however given him a path to fight it with. His art and writing therapy, some more cognitive work in their session. And a bit of advice to help in the short-term.

“Focus on the things that make you feel good.” She told him. “Remember that they are real and you deserve them. And when you feel bad, let yourself feel it, don’t hold it in. Let it out.” She smiled softly at him. “Steve is going to love you no matter what.”

Bucky was thinking about that as he got to the hall to help set up the dinner. Thinking how he was going to fight this latest setback. To jump the hurdle even though he felt exhausted sometimes. And he thought about Steve, telling him he was going to help him just enjoy the holiday. That they would deal with it all as it came along and that settled him for the moment. _Just keep breathing asshole.._ he told himself. _It’s all you can do._

“Well there you are Barnes.” He heard Sam’s voice cut through the din. “Thought I was doing this myself.”

Seeing Sam‘s smiling face just put it even more into perspective for him. “Of course not Wilson.” He shot back, grabbing some decorations. “Think I’m gonna let you get all the glory? Hell no.” He smirked. “I want it done right.”

Sam shook his head. “You’re such an asshole you know that?”

“So I’ve been told Wilson.” Bucky told him, smiling even wider as he opened the box of decorations. “By greater men than you.”

They busied themselves setting up, ribbing each other the whole time. Bucky was opening another box when he saw a familiar face show up. Causing him to frown slightly, not out of irritation or aggravation but just because it was someone he didn’t want to talk to just yet.

His name was Father Mike Keagen and he was the VA chaplain. Bucky had nothing against the man, he was good guy, who did a lot of good things for the vets here. He’d even passed some words with him on occasion. Found him likable enough. But he always found a reason not to extend the conversation too long. Call it deflection, avoidance, whatever it was, he did his best to not get into long talks with anyone of faith. Hell he hadn’t set foot in the VA chapel or even a church since he’d been young. He had his reasons for this. Very complicated ones that he knew would come out if they had a long enough conversation. So he just avoided it entirely.

Fortunately the food delivery had shown up and it gave him a good damn excuse to get away. “I’ll be back in a little bit Sam.” He informed his partner in crime. “You got this?”

Sam caught on quickly to what he was doing. “You know you got other people here to help you.” He reminded him, pulling him aside to talk quieter. “You gotta get past this issue you with him too you know.”

“It’s not with him.” Bucky said, a little defensively. “It’s.. you know.”

“I know.” Sam replied, with an understanding tone. “I’m just saying.”

Bucky nodded, knowing what he was saying. He had been dealing and facing a lot of his issues over the years but some were engrained very deep and harder to get to. Like his one with religion and God which went a lot further back than just his time with Hydra. And with everything else on his mind right now it was exactly top priority for him. He knew Sam understood that just as much he seemed to understand his issue with this as well. A lot of guys at the VA had issues with religion too for a variety of reasons. But it had helped some as well.

“Yeah.” He told him, patting Sam on the shoulder as if to thank him. “I’ll get to it eventually.” And then gave him a regretful smile. “I’m a work in progress.”

He left to deal with the food delivery and catering people, who were very familiar with him from his Thanksgiving work as well. Trying to put it out of his mind. Along with a lot of other things as well. But it kept sneaking in on him and he felt that itch. That burn, under his skin and fought the mad urge to scratch himself bloody. Trying to think about things that made him happy. And it worked for a while at least.

At least until Steve got there and he could let some of this go. He had an idea about that too. Which settled his nerves for the time being.

\--

Steve had gotten a ride in from Tony, who was making an appearance, seeing as how his donations had a lot to do with the set-up for the dinner and party. A charitable write-off yes, but also an altruistic thing as well. They hadn’t come to him, he’d insisted on it. And Steve was more than a bit grateful. Although, from what he could tell, not as grateful as Bucky was.

And Steve was surprised to learn that it was the latter that had inspired Tony to really help in the first place.

“I know what it means to Barnes and he’s doing good work.” Tony had said seriously while they were in the car. “He’s been helping himself and others for the last several years and that’s a great thing.”

“Yeah it is.” Steve had answered, expecting some kind of a catch to this. Like Tony saying it was good penance or community service. “I’m very proud of him.”

Tony surprised him again by not adding that to his praise. “He’s a good person and it should be known.” Tony said, almost as if sharing a secret. “You were right about him Cap.”

Steve actually chuckled at that. “Wow I gotta write this down or record it or something.” He mused. “Tony Stark said I was right about something.”

“Don’t let it go to your head Rogers.” Tony reminded him. “Everyone gets one free compliment, after that there’s a fee.”

He’d made quite a splash showing up, as did Steve, although they were more familiar with him there. He let Tony make the rounds, shaking hands and reveling in his fame, while Steve’s eyes scanned for Bucky. He didn’t see him at that moment. Saw Sam who gave him a wide grin before returning to his work. Wanda was there too, as she always was, she and Vis helping out and that was nice too. Bucky had roped in a lot of people, mostly because this meant that much to him.

His thoughts were broken up by a set of arms, one metal, one flesh, wrapping around him from behind. He could feel the brim of a baseball cap and a set of lips by his ear and smiled. There he was. Sneaky bastard.

“Thought you’d never get here punk.” Bucky whispered in his ear. “I missed you.”

Steve turned his head slightly and could actually see the rim of Bucky’s hat now. His Dodgers hat Steve have given him years ago. Most likely using to keep his hair out of his face while serving food. Steve loved when he wore it, it was blue and really brought out his eyes. Not that he could see them right now as Bucky was hugging him from behind.

“Very sneaky Sergeant Barnes.” He told him, wrapping his fingers around Bucky’s. “You haven’t lost your skills there.”

“One of the few good things I learned Stevie.” Bucky whispered back, letting his lips teasingly brush Steve’s neck. “It certainly has it advantages.”

On that he turned around to look at him, seeing the way the hat brought out that blue for himself, making those eyes stand out from underneath those sooty lashes. His hair was in a ponytail sticking out of the back of it, a few stray strands had fallen out, framing his face. He had the sleeves of his dark red sweater pushed up and an apron over it and just looked delectable. Memories of earlier flashing through his head and now thinking of later as well. Of peeling those clothes, especially the jeans, right off him and getting his hands on him again.

But there was a little something in his eyes too, a shadow of sorts. He knew he’d had a session today and thought it might have been a rough one. He saw those eyes flicker a bit and before he could ask what it was, another voice said his name.

“Captain Rogers.” It spoke with genuine happiness. “So good to see you.”

Steve turned to see the VA chaplain, Father Keagen standing there. He was a good man, Steve had a few conversations with him while here and he liked him very much. But Bucky had always been uncomfortable around him, around anyone of faith really, and Steve had somewhat understood why that was and hadn’t pushed. Well except once. Which had almost caused a fight a few weeks before their wedding. Over who was going to marry them actually.

_“Why is this a big deal Buck?” He’d asked then. “Tell me.” _

_Bucky had looked at him like he should’ve understood the answer to this. “You know why Steve.” _

He did know. Mostly. But pushing it had been pointless then. He hadn’t thought to ask but his aversion to religion and God discussions in general had certainly made him want to broach the subject sometimes. Not that Steve himself was a religious man but Bucky was outright hostile toward it. Had been even before he’d been captured.

“Hello Father. “He said warmly. “Good to see you too.”

“How are the two of you doing?” The pastor asked sincerely. “I don’t’ get to see you all that much.”

“We’re fine Father.” Bucky seemed to say shortly and grabbed Steve’s hand. “I need your help in the back.” His eyes were almost pleading to get away. “Right now.”

Steve gave the pastor an apologetic look. “We are well thank you.” He told the other man, even as Bucky was sort of pulling his arm urgently. “We’ll have to talk soon but you know..”

He was practically hauled down the hall into the back hallway. Bucky barely said anything as he fished his keys out for the supply closet and opened it, pulling Steve with him as he did. The minute the door was closed, Bucky turned and locked it and then turned to him, his face unreadable for a moment.

“What was that about Buck?” He asked, stepping closer. “What was so important that we needed to-“

But Bucky didn’t let him finish, grabbing his shirt and kissing solidly as he leaned against the door. Steve was stunned for a minute but allowed it to happen, pulling Bucky’s hat off his head so he could get closer, all the while pressing him more against the door.

‘Just.. wanted to be alone you know?” Bucky breathed against his lips. “I’ve been missing you all day punk..”

Steve pulled back and looked in his eyes, searching them. “I missed you too.” He said a little breathlessly himself. “You sure that’s all it is though?”

Bucky seemed to look at him, confused and maybe even slightly defensive. “What else it would it be?” He asked, gripping his shirt tighter. “What other reason would I need to waann kiss you punk?”

“You could’ve done that anywhere.” Steve told him, brushing his hair gently. “Instead of locking us in a supply closest.” He smiled at him, letting the hand holding the hat snake around his back. “Just saying.”

“Well how about you stop ‘saying’.” Bucky retorted, his lips brushing Steve’s again. “Cause I got a lot more than kissing on my mind Rogers..”

Steve raised an eyebrow at him, realizing what he meant. And feeling the rush he’d felt earlier once again. That fever that wanted to just yank those damn jeans off and have his way with him right here. Not far from the gathering group down the hall and the Christmas music, which he could hear playing. The idea was very enticing, especially when Bucky’s metal hand snaked down and began undoing Steve’s own jeans.

“You sure about that?” He asked, already getting breathless, feeling that hand warming him up. “We could get caught you know?”

“Yeah we could..” Bucky purred to him, that hand doing lovely things right now. Waking him up even more. “But that just makes it more fun don’t you think?” His tongued moved over Steve’s lips enticingly. “Come on Captain Rogers… live a little..”

He was going to. He knew it. The feel of Bucky’s hand, those metal fingers stroking him. That look in his eyes. The wild one that drove Steve absolutely crazy. He knew on some level Bucky was a bit stressed. It had been an eventful day for him so far. And his therapy must’ve been hard today as well. He wanted a release. Needed one. Needed a distraction. And Steve had vowed to keep him relaxed over the holiday. Even if that meant a quickie in the supply closet. It wasn’t like it was the first time they’d done that over the course of their relationship.

“Okay then..” He growled softly to him. “Turn around..”

Bucky smiled, his eyes hooding as he complied with the request. “Aye aye Captain.” He replied in a voice laced with desire, his hands against the door like he was being frisked. It was quite a sight.

Steve untied Bucky’s apron and tossed it aside with the hat for retrieval later, and then reached around, undoing his jeans just enough so he could pulled them down over his hips. Sliding his hands over them he put his lips to Bucky’s ear and just stood there for a moment, letting his thumb rub him slightly, as he did.

“Hold on darlin’.” He then whispered in his ear. “And let me take care of you..”

He heard Bucky whine sweetly, and that just turned him on more and in just moments he was inside him, trusting hard and deep into him. It felt so good and the idea that it was just a locked door that separated them from the festivities down the hall, was so erotic he could barely deal with it. Hell he could hear the Christmas music, like a background beat.

They were so keyed up, already hot and bothered that it didn’t take too long, relatively speaking, for them to peak. It was hard and fast and rough and well, amazing. Bucky moaned and whimpered, his fingers scratching the door for purchase and just the sound of that made Steve fuck him even harder until they both came in glorious fashion, panting and spent.

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist, holding to him and on him still, wanting to extend that moment of connection as Bucky leaned head against the door, taking in huge gasps of air. Steve nuzzled his neck as he held him there, just like that, both of them still mostly dressed but connected in the most intimate way possible.

“Feel better?” He asked into Bucky’s ear, lifting a hand to wrap it around his forehead as he held him.

“Mmmm hmm much better.” Bucky answered breathlessly. “Thanks punk.”

Just then he turned, pulling himself off of Steve and went into his arms, nuzzling his neck softly. Steve took that opportunity to stroke his hair and kiss the side of his head, wrapping his other arm around him as they stood there in the hazy afterglow.

“Anytime jerk.” He told him, smiling into his hair. “We should do that more often.”

Bucky nodded against his shoulder, his hands wrapped around Steve’s shoulder-blades. “Well.. Amelia did say to.. concentrate on things that make me feel good so..” He explained, lifting his head to look at Steve. “Why not right?”

Steve put his hands on his face and looked into his hazy blue eyes and thought, like he always did, that he always looked so beautiful after they’d made love. No matter how they’d done it. Soft and slow, hard and rough, didn’t matter. It seemed to be the moment when his troubles were the furthest away from him, when he let himself be at his most vulnerable and real, and he couldn’t stop staring at him. Couldn’t stop falling in love with him over and over again in these soft, intimate moments.

“It was rough today wasn’t it?” He asked him, his fingers brushing some hair back from his face.

Bucky laid his head against Steve’s. “it’s always rough.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not here.” Bucky answered, his eyes still closed. “Not now..” He seemed to smile a little. “Besides it’s Christmas, we should just enjoy it.”

Steve kissed his head again, knowing he was troubled, but once again stuffing it down for appearances sake. But he wasn’t going to push it now. Not here anyways. Maybe later, at home.

“Speaking of that.” He told him, his hand sliding down and pulling up Bucky’s jeans lovingly. “We should probably get back out there before they come looking for us.”

Bucky seemed to shake his head and chuckle. “Don’t worry it’s a Christmas party punk.” Bucky said in a voice quickly filling with mirth again. “People fuck at these all the time.. it’s like a tradition..”

Steve laughed and put Bucky’s hat back on his head, straightening it a bit. “Yeah maybe but we don’t have to broadcast it jerk.” He admonished as he watched Bucky tie his apron back on. “Gotta have some sense of decorum at least.”

“I know Captain.” Bucky teased, unlocking the door and grabbing his hands. “Gotta keep that pristine reputation intact for the public don’t we?”

“Well it could be quite the scandal you know?” Steve ribbed him as they left. “I am a National Treasure after all.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and turned to straighten Steve’s shirt. “A hero to the world I know.” He teased, his flushed face barely hiding his satisfaction. “If only they knew about all your skills Captain America. They’d be amazed. And I’d be the envy of the world.”

Steve leaned over him as they stood in the hallway, backing him a little into the wall. “Oh really?” He asked, hooding his own eyes at he looked into his. “And why’s that Sergeant?”

Bucky grinned wickedly, taking the challenge. “Because I just got fucked by you in a supply closet.” He whispered to him, his eyes dancing merrily. “There’s a lot of people that would kill for that opportunity punk..” He then pushed Steve back playfully from him. “I’m the luckiest bastard in the world.”

Steve’s eyes widened at that statement and then smiled himself as Bucky tuned away, sashaying down the hall, making Steve got a great view of his ass he did so. And he thought to himself that Bucky was wrong. That he was the luckiest bastard ever to have someone as beautiful as Bucky was. To this day he didn’t know he’d won him, but he thanked the good lord every day for it.

Composing himself he rejoined the party, working side by side with him and sharing secret smiles and publicly loving looks as they did their part to help others. And saw just how relaxed and happy Bucky was to do just that and thought he was proud of him too. Very proud.

\--

The dinner went well, and it was a good time. He’d felt more relaxed after their excursion to the supply closet. He’d certainly enjoyed it when they went ‘public’ so to speak. It just made it that much more exciting to him. And there was nothing like a good fuck to loosen him up when he needed it.

They stayed flirty most of the night, and it may have been obvious to a few, especially their friends, why he’d had a big old grin on his face half the night. And he and Steve just couldn’t stop touching each other on the sly. Grabbing a leg or pinching an ass whenever they could like any other couple to the annoyance of Sam.

“Jeez would you two get a room?” Sam said with a roll of the eye at their antics.

Bucky just smirked at him. “We already did Wilson.” He informed him, drinking some water. “although I suppose it was technically a closet..”

The look on Sam’s face was priceless and Bucky just stood there with that shit eating grin on his face. “I couldn’ve lived my whole life without knowing that.” He replied with a sigh. “Now I’ll never get that image out of my head.”

“Don’t be a hater Wilson.” Bucky admonished. “Just cause you didn’t think of it first.”

Later while on their way home, Bucky was driving because Steve was busying himself with something on his phone. He’d look at him every so often to see if he could see what his punk was up to but he kept the phone angle away almost teasingly.

“What are you up to punk?” He asked finally. “You’re acting kind of devious.”

“Checking for Santa.” Steve teased, his eyes twinkling. “Got the camera set up and everything. I’m finally gonna catch that bastard.”

Bucky shook his head. “Fine don’t tell me you dork.” He responded as they turned down to their street. “You’re probably just turning all the damn lights on again like usual.”

Steve had what was called a smart home now and they could do that, which still amazed Bucky that they could do shit like that now. Bucky sometimes like to mess with Steve and just turn random appliances on while he was out and laugh about it with Sam or Wanda. And Steve did the same to him as well. Modern technology was fun sometimes he had to admit. Nothing like the coffee maker going on when you were alone in the house, or the tv randomly changing channels while you were watching it.

“You’re half right jerk.” Steve said with a wink.

When he pulled into the driveway the lights were on, not all of them, but certain ones. And the Christmas lights and the tree. When he got out of the car he could hear music playing and when he opened the door, saw the fireplace was on as well. And the oven was pre-heated too. The table had that bottle of Moscato on it with two wine glasses and place settings. Bucky just shook his head and turned to him with an amazed look.

“You can’t tell you did all of this with your damn phone you crazy punk?” He asked, taking it all in. “Cause I mean..”

Steve grinned and slid his arm around Bucky’s waist. “Well not all of it.” He admitted. “Some of it I did before I left.” He pulled him along toward the living room. “And that’s not everything either jerk.. look.”

He’d hadn’t been able to see it, because the Christmas tree was in the way, but there was a blanket and pillow set up right by the fireplace. And the couch cushions as well. It looked comfy too, like he’d taken his time to choose the right blankets and pillows for maximum comfort. There were also 3 stockings, one for each of them and one of course for the little furball curled up on one of the pillows purring her little heart out. Bucky shook his head, thinking it was like something right off a damn Christmas card and all. All he e could smell was peppermint, cinnamon and evergreen. It was so ridiculously perfect.

“So?” He mused, as Steve put his arms around him from behind. “Is that supposed to be a bed?”

“Uh huh..” Steve replied, nuzzling the back of his neck. “For after dinner.” He felt him smile against his neck. “Cause I gotta feed my gorgeous boo bear first.. he’s gonna need the energy.”

Bucky smiled to himself and leaned back a little more in his arms. “Didn’t get enough in the closet huh?” He asked, his voice lowering as he remembered that. “Such a greedy little punk.”

“I can never get enough of you jerk.” Steve growled in his ear. “Never.”

Oh did that always loosen his insides to hear. He bit his lip in anticipation. “And boy am I glad for that punk.” He replied, his voice a bit moany as he spoke. “Very much.”

Completing the turn, he draped his arms around Steve’s neck and kissed him thoroughly right in front of the tree. Thinking to himself that if Steve’s goal was to distract him from his worries and relax him, he was doing a fabulous job of it today.

“Come on..” Steve breathed to him as he pulled away, hand buried in Bucky’s hair. “It’s time to eat.”

Later while at dinner Bucky picked up the bottle of wine and looked at it, almost reluctantly, thinking about how much he’d drunk last week. And how he’d vowed not to do that anymore. He’d been dulling his senses, and hurting himself as a result. He knew this was different, that it was about celebrating, but he still felt that shame acutely. He looked at Steve questioningly, as if asking for permission or something.

“You know you can have some.” He told him, popping the cork. “It’s fine in moderation.” He poured some in Bucky’s glass. “Just trust yourself okay?”

He nodded, deciding he would, at least for now. He picked up the glass and looking at Steve over it. “I’m getting there.” He replied, swishing the glass back and forth. “Just keep an eye on me punk.” He smiled a little and put it to his lips. “I need supervision.”

“No you don’t jerk.” Steve replied, clinking his glass against Bucky’s. “Cheers.”

Bucky felt really soft at that statement. Almost near tears for some stupid reason. But he held on. “Cheers.” He answered and drank it down.

It was a good Moscato and Bucky was glad he hadn’t dumped it. He even had another glass. Or 2. Why not? It was Christmas Eve after all. And it did give him a sweet little buzz her rather liked. Once Steve cleared everything, he pulled Bucky out of his chair, and slid an arm around him again, pulling him to the living room. And Bucky, with his wine glass still in hand, allowed himself to be led there.

Taking his wine glass out of his hand, Steve then set it on the table by the makeshift bed and the fireplace. Then extended his hand back to Bucky. “Now let’s dance.” He suggested, entwining their fingers together and sliding his arm back around Bucky’s waist. “Like we used to remember?”

He did. He remembered the way they would put the record player on and slow dance in their little apartment late at night. It had been intimate, and private. Hidden from the world in their own bubble where it was just them and it was safe. Where no one judged and there was no danger. Times may have changed, and they might have too, but the feeling was still the same when Bucky stepped into his arms, being led instead of leading now, as he stared into Steve’s eyes, with what he knew was a soft, sappy look of love but he didn’t care. Because he was in love and there was no reason to hide it anymore.

“Well you don’t step on my feet anymore punk.” He told him, putting his arms back around Steve’s neck. “So I guess I guess it’s okay..”

He laid his forehead against Steve’s and just let it take him away. From all the things that were troubling him. Putting away the worries over his depression and anxiety. Away from all the tension and trauma that had marked the last month and focused on this moment. On dancing with his husband in his living room to a slow, beautiful Christmas song.

_“Have yourself a Merry little Christmas.. let your heart be light…_

_From now on our troubles will be out of sight..” _

He nuzzled his face against Steve’s and let himself be pulled closer, feeling Steve’s hands pulling his shirt up slightly, the fingers brushing his lower back. He opened his eyes slightly and looked into Steve’s, feeling at peace. Almost like they were back in that old apartment and none of the bad stuff had ever happened.

_“Here we are as in olden days.. happy goldens days of yore..” _

Their lips met and turned into a soft, slow kiss and he was pulled even closer, wrapping his arms tighter around his neck. Smiling into it, his metal fingers finding their way into Steve’s hair. Steve’s hands pushed his shirt up a little more and pressed into his back, causing him to moan softly against his lips at the feel of those warm fingers.

_“Through the years we all will be together.. if the fates allow.._

_Hang a shiny star upon the highest bow.._

_And have yourself a Merry little Christmas now..” _

He felt Steve lift him slightly, and Bucky was perfectly ready to go wherever Steve wanted to take him. He always would. He’d follow him anywhere to be honest and had. He was the reason he was here after all. The one who always saved him from the dark. Whose light had shown for the masses but had shown for Bucky first. The star on his personal tree that always lit the way.

The makeshift bed was something that he realized was a throwback as well when he was laid down on it. Couch cushions. Like they used to do as kids. They’d make a fort with the cushions and then sleep on them when they stayed over each other’s houses. It had always amazed him how comfortable couch cushions were. Sarah had particularly comfortable ones. And the ones they had now in their home were as close to those as possible. So soft under his back as he lay there and let Steve undress him.

He chuckled a little at that strange, innocent childhood memory in a situation as adult as this, and Steve noticed and raised his head, looking amused himself, the firelight lighting his face beautifully. “What’s so damn funny?” He asked and nuzzled Bucky’s neck softly, his light beard tickling Bucky’s skin.

“It’s just like when we were kids.” Bucky said with a light tone. “The cushions I mean.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, rubbing his nose against Bucky’s cutely. “We certainly had a lot of fun didn’t we?”

Bucky smiled again, thinking of that, when they were much more innocent. Even if they had had to grow up a little sooner, they’d still had that innocence. The belief that things would only get better, not worse. Before it all got complicated and confusing. It filled him with a bit of melancholy for a moment at that particular loss. It had been so damn long ago but those beautiful memoires had filled back in over time. Adding to their history. It had angered him that those memories had been taken, but he’d been grateful for every one of them that had come back to fill in the empty spaces again.

“We’re not kids anymore.” He mused, letting his fingers play in Steve’s hair as he looked up at him softly.

“No we’re not Buck.” Steve whispered back to him, his hands trailing over Bucky’s hips, causing his eyes to flutter. “But we’re still doing here aren’t we?” He ran his lips over Bucky’s jaw sweetly. “And I’m still pulling apart couches for you jerk.”

Bucky laughed at that and pulled Steve’s lips to his. “I think that’s most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me punk.” He told him, still smiling against his lips. “Seriously.”

Steve just grinned and smothered his lips again in another kiss, before pulling them away to begin to pepper Bucky’s entire body with kisses, taking his sweet time and driving him crazy. Which caused some hair-pulling and swearing until he was hushed, a finger going to Bucky’s lips as if to silence him.

“Patience beautiful.” Steve whispered, climbing back up his body to lean over him. “Gonna take my time with you tonight...” He moved that finger over Bucky’s lips sensually. “Make sure you fully enjoy your holiday.”

Bucky ran his tongue playfully over Steve’s finger and then wrapped his lips around it, sucking on it like a candy cane. Or something else. The symbolism was not lost on Steve at all. He just let him do it, watching it with bright eyes reflected by the firelight. Bucky’s lips curved into a smile as Steve let him suck two fingers before pulling them out and kissing him yet again. And using that same hand to reach between them and stroke him internally like he loved so much, causing him to whine deep in his throat.

No they were not children anymore that was for sure. That childhood love for each other had grown into something much deeper and more profound but its roots were built on cushions like these, in low lit rooms, talking about stupid boy stuff and their dreams for the future.

Bucky’s hands dug into Steve’s hair as he pleasured him beautifully, cooing his love for him softly. And before long Steve replaced those fingers with his lips and tongue and let himself fall into it. Into the warm haze of their slow love-making, pulling on Steve’s hair urgently as the soft music continued to play and the fire crackled in the fireplace. As the smell of peppermint still filled his nose and his senses were just overwhelmed by all of it.

He sunk into the cushions, surrounded by all of it and everything else just drifted away for now.

\--

They laid there, buried in the cushions and blankets, Bucky’s head on his shoulder as he dozed. Steve brushed his dark hair with his fingers and watched him, those dark lashes hooding those eyes of his. What he could see of them reflected the fire beautifully. In fact the firelight lit up Bucky’s skin and seemed to almost make him glow and it was a stunning sight to behold.

It was picture worth and he wanted to commit to memory. Especially that soft little smile and the strand of hair that hung in his face perfectly.

“Can we stay here tonight?” Bucky asked, his voice muffled against Steve’s chest. “Cause I am very comfortable right now.”

“Yeah me too.” Steve had to agree, turning slightly on his side to wrap his other arm around him. “No reason to move in my opinion.”

He felt Bucky nod and tuck his head under Steve’s chin, managing to curl him up more into his arms under the blanket. They were very much buried in a perfect cocoon of warmth, almost right next to the fire. And he thought about what Bucky had said earlier, about how they’d slept on couch cushions as kids and if he was honest, it might have been in the back of his own mind as he’d set it up. A nod to the past, something that didn’t remind Bucky of anything painful at all. That was his goal to let him enjoy the holiday and not dwell too much on those things.

And he was going to make sure the same thing happened on Christmas Day as well. To keep creating good memories for him while he continued to exorcise the bad ones as best he could.

It turned his mind to Bucky’s strange reaction to the pastor. He wasn’t hostile to him, just seemed to want to avoid him. And Steve had had no doubt that that, along with whatever had gone on in therapy had contributed to Bucky getting it in his head to have that tryst in the supply closet. To calm his nerves and to have a little fun and relax on what had been a busy day. He had a mind to ask but decided not to yet. To let Bucky bring it up if wanted to.

The choice to talk always had to be his and no one else’s. Steve could push him, but unless he wanted to open up, he wouldn’t.

“Hmm.” Bucky seemed to observe, getting up on an elbow and reaching over Steve with his metal arm. “I didn’t finish my wine.”

Steve smiled at him, enjoying the way Bucky’s chest muscles stretched out right in front of his face. “Well we can’t have that can we?”

Bucky took the glass and tipped it, downing the rest, his eyes looking at Steve over the top of it. There was nothing troubling in them at that moment, just contentment and mirth, and Steve was happy to see that. Happy that he was letting himself have some fun. He finished and place it back on the table and then kissed him solidly, and Steve could taste the wine on his lips and reveled in it. He dug his fingers into that gorgeous brown hair of his and made sure he did thorough job.

“Hmmm I’m glad I didn’t dump that bottle.” Bucky mused, pulling his lips away and nuzzling their faces together. “Thanks for stopping me punk.”

“You’re welcome jerk.” He told him, combing his hair with his fingers still. “I just wanted you to enjoy yourself tonight.”

“Well I definitely am.” Bucky replied, wrapping his metal arm back around Steve’s waist. “Kinda have been all day actually..” He grinned at Steve and wrapped his leg around him too. “Especially enjoyed our errand in the closet.. that was fun.”

Steve smiled at that, remembering that fondly. “Glad to be of assistance there.” He teased, letting his hand wander down and squeeze Bucky’s ass softly. “I know you needed a skilled hand with that.”

“I did.” Bucky replied in flirty voice. “And you’re always there to straighten me out Stevie.” He wiggled his ass a little more into Steve’s hand again. “I need a firm hand for that and you’re the right man for the job.”

He remembered his eyes, the wildness in them, the need in them and knew even then it was more than just fun little quickie. Had sensed it was an exercise in rebellion as well. Like he was still fighting against something. He could still it now as he looked in his eyes at that moment and decided to ask. But carefully. Not wanting to ruin the moment either. It was fine line that he had gotten very skilled at walking.

“Was everything okay then?” He asked softly, resting his hand on the side of his head. “Not pushing just checking.”

He wasn’t sure if Bucky was going to answer or get defensive, his face was unreadable for a moment as if doing and interior debate as to whether he wanted to address it or not. Steve was more sure that he was going to clam up, if recent history was any indication, but Bucky surprised him once again.

“I didn’t want to talk to him.. the pastor.” He admitted, looking down for the time being. “I got nothing against him, he’s a good guy it’s just I know what will come up eventually.” He seemed to pull a little closer if it was possible, tangling their feet together. “I can’t do God and religion you know? Not yet.”

Steve brushed his hair gently, giving him an understanding look. “I know.”

“When I was a kid I felt like a sinner.. “ He continued, his eyes still cast away from Steve. “For loving you.. for having the feelings that I did.. they’d always say that was wrong. That you’d burn in hell or some shit like that whenever I went to church.” His metal fingers pressed into Steve’s back almost possessively, like he didn’t want to let him go. “It made me confused and a bit angry because being around you made me feel good and being with you… it didn’t feel wrong but I kept hearing it just the same.”

Bucky had mentioned to him being messed up about that for a long time. Causing him to date girls and even sleep with a few just to make himself feel ‘normal’ so to speak. His family had gone to church regularly and the dual life Bucky was living internally had taken a mental toll on him even then. And their relationship had to be carried on in secret for many reasons, mostly safety. So there was the public Bucky, the charming ladies man, and the private one that Steve saw. Even at a younger age he’d learned how to live a dual life. He was glad he didn’t have to anymore, not for Hydra, not for society, not for anyone. It had been exhausting for him.

And now the VA chaplain was much more progressive as well. He had asked many times about how their marriage was doing in a supportive way. And Steve knew Bucky knew that too but sometimes he needed reminding. His experiences, even at a young age, had left scars that still hadn’t healed and it made him mistrustful of religion in general.

“Its not like that anymore Buck.” He assured him, rubbing his back softly. “Things have changed.”

“I know they have.” Bucky replied, finally looking up at him, his eyes lit by the fire again. “But you know its not just that.. I just.. didn’t a see lot of God where I was all those years. He was nowhere near there and he sure as hell didn’t save me or protect me did he?”

Steve just wrapped him up in his arms, pressing hand to the back of his head to comfort him. “I know.” He whispered into his hair. “I don’t have an answer for that.” He kissed his head softly, holding him close under the blanket. “Just know that I’m here for you okay.. don’t forget that.”

“How could I?” Bucky said into his shoulder, hugging him tightly. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me punk.” His voice sounding a bit cracked as he buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. “How could loving you be wrong or sinful when it was the one thing that saved me?”

“Because it’s not.” He told him. “And it never will be.” Pulling back he took Bucky’s face in his hands, looking into his shining eyes. “I love you so much and we will never be wrong. Ever.”

He kissed him then, pulling him against his body. He felt Bucky’s arms wrap around his neck, holding him as tight as possible to him. “I love you too punk.” He breathed against Steve’s lips. “It’s the only goddamn thing I’m sure of.”

They made love again, buried in the cushions by the fire, Bucky’s legs wrapped around his hips, metal fingers digging into his hair. They flexed into at every urgent thrust, sweet moans coming out of him. It was more intense, more urgent than before. Eventually Steve’s hands found Bucky’s, planting them down into the cushions and the fingers intimately entwined. His lips ended up on Bucky’s neck again, finding that still tender spot and keeping it fresh, causing beautiful whines as well, which were music to Steve’s ears to hear.

“My.. beautiful.. Bucky..” Steve moaned as he thrusted into him. “My.. Soldier..” Repeating this intimate mantra to him in their most intense moments. “My love… my..everything..”

He’d look into Bucky’s deep blue eyes, glazed and shining, showing inner fire and reflecting the real one. “Our.. Steve..” He’d breath in return, fingers digging in. “We… love him..”

Hearing the Winter Soldier in there, that strange duality he’d always have, the one Steve had accepted whole-heartedly, always pushed him further. It deepened the love and intensity for them both. Bucky was different, special and Steve loved everything about him. Everything.

He pushed harder, deeper, using his powerful hips to once again give Bucky everything he needed. Everything he deserved. Felt his meet him with his own hips, growly moans coming from deep in his throat, hands flexing around Steve’s own. It was beautiful, perfect and always had been. And something this special could never have been sinful. And never would be. It was love of the purest kind.

Steve made him cum twice before he allowed himself to, watching it flow over him, the way his body clenched and relaxed. The way those sooty lashes fluttered over those teal blue irises. Those precious swollen lips parting, begging to be kissed again and again, and who was he to say no to that?

Folding him into his arms he kissed him long and deep until they both couldn’t breathe and then smiled as Bucky tucked his face into Steve’s neck, nuzzling the skin and purring like a kitten. He wrapped the blanket around them both, letting them sink into a sweet warm cocoon right next to the fire.

“I love you Buck.” He whispered into his hair as his gorgeous brunette dozed in his arms. “Merry Christmas.”

“Mmm hmm.” He heard Bucky murmur back, snuggling even closer to him. “Love you too punk..”

Steve decided they were in fact, going to stay right there tonight, by the fire, amongst the cushions and they did. Eventually joined by Arya, who snuggled up with them, finding a comfortable spot. Steve smiled thinking this was the perfect way to spend Christmas Eve, cuddled up with his family by the fire, the lights dimmed in the rest of the house. And what looked like a snow flurry going on outside.

Like Bucky, he wasn’t 100% sure about God but he knew he’d been given a precious gift to be able to have this and thanked whoever or whatever had given it to him. Because it was a miracle. Every day was one he realized. His last thought was how lucky he was to have it at all. They were, truly blessed.

He held Bucky close, Arya snuggled between them on the hammock their bodies created in the blanket and they all slept that way that night and all was calm for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so as you can see, heavily flirty, smutty and more upbeat than the last one, with the exception of Bucky's therapy session which was an interesting look into that and the things he talks about in there. Anything goes in therapy as they say lol. 
> 
> I do enjoy when they get into particularly amorous fazes like this, where they are just basically unable to keep their hands off each other. It's fun. And I think that I like writing smut when I'm stressing so these last 2 chapters have reflected that (not to inject my personal stuff into it but writers do that sometimes). But I also sort of want to continue to show that their relationship in general is very healthy and that's very good for Bucky, it gives him a sense of normalcy that he badly needs while still working through his issues. 
> 
> Lastly the religious thing was something I did think about a lot. I'm not a person that goes to church or has any strong opinions one or the other, and I know that sometimes it's controversial for some. Want I wanted to do was show it affected him growing up and how he started questioning it then, and it just got deeper the pain was inflicted on him. And his current attitude toward it, especially when you consider his sexuality and the time he grew up in. It's touchy subject but I've learned, in my own therapy that spirituality is always about going to church or anything, it's a lot more complicated that that. It's certainly an interesting aspect and he's not going to become a born again Christian or something, it's just another element in his recovery to sort of understand his complicated attitude toward this especially when it comes to his past as well. 
> 
> But anyways, that's basically all I have right now, and I wanted to say that the next chapter will deal with Christmas day and possibly beyond. Right now in my life things are fluid so I don't know but the writing helps hopefully the next one won't take as long. 
> 
> And once again thank you for the kudos and comments they are all appreciated even if I don't get them right away it means a lot <3<3<3


	8. This Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

He woke up feeling warm, cozy and content. It was it was like sleeping inside a warm, fluffy cloud. Surrounded by cushions, pillows and a quilt it was heaven.

And he could smell breakfast cooking. The familiar smell of eggs and toast. And cinnamon. Steve was making those rolls. It made him voraciously hungry just thinking about it. Opening his eyes, Bucky could see it was mid-morning, but the light was soft, because Steve had made sure the shades were closed, allowing him to sleep longer, for which he was grateful.

He was a good little punk like that, always making sure his ‘boo bear’ got enough sleep.

Bucky stretched under the quilt, feeling every muscle loosen in his body. There was a little pain in his shoulder but that was normal, and it wasn’t nothing he couldn’t handle. He was also slightly sore in the bottom, but a far more pleasurable kind, causing him to rub his legs together and smile to himself. That was the feeling of a day’s worth of doubles and he never complained about it. Because Steve always went above and beyond in everything he did, and sex was no different, for which Bucky was always profoundly grateful for as well.

And he always took care of him after. Another plus in his book.

He wrinkled his nose a little, there was another smell, one he wasn’t so fond of. The smell of burnt bacon. It always made him sick and have a hard time breathing whenever he smelt it, so he could never be in the kitchen when Steve cooked it for himself and Arya. It annoyed and upset him because the sad thing was, he used to like bacon, and Steve loved it, but there was an unpleasant association with it and Steve knew that and made the proper adjustments for his comfort. Like he always did.

It was just enough to trigger a memory now and he closed his eyes tightly, wanting it to go away.

_He couldn’t breath in the damn mask, the smell of burnt flesh seeming to soak in and get trapped inside it. But they didn’t let him take it off until he was in the transport. With dozens of guns on him. Like a muzzled dog they were afraid would bite the moment he had any freedom. And they were right to be worried, because he did bite. And worse. He was dangerous, not to be trusted. And he’d been beaten into accepting this. _

_But that mask always felt like it was suffocating him. And it always retained that smell of death. _

_It was to keep him quiet, under control. Anonymous. And even though he didn’t remember, he’d flinch every time they put it on him and could smell it in the leather. That deep stench he could never get out of his nose.._

Bucky put his hand to his face for a moment, feeling for a moment like that mask was still on him. That he needed to peel it off just to breathe. He’d scratched his face once and a while in his sleep trying to remove it sometimes. Or in the mini flashbacks like these. Because for one brief moment he felt suffocated and couldn’t breathe, his throat closing in self-defense.

_We’re safe.._ the Winter Soldier spoke in his head. _No more masks_. Bucky felt himself ease his breathing, concentrating on his surroundings instead of the past. Finding the smells of peppermint and cinnamon. And the smell of Steve on the blanket and on him. _Home._. that same voice said again. _Steve._

It continued to work as his body continued to calm down again. Until the memory was far away.

After a few more moments he decided to get up, reluctantly pulling himself out of the warm blanket and off the soft cushions, grabbing his shorts and his undershirt. Not that he needed to get dressed, it was just Steve and Arya after all, but he was a bit cold outside of the makeshift bed. He walked quietly to the entrance to the kitchen, wanting to see what Steve was up before he noticed him.

Peeking in he saw Arya adorably sitting on one of Steve’s broad shoulders as he fed her a little of the bacon. He had on a pair of sweatpants and a tank and Bucky took the time to admire that as well. Watching the muscles flex in his shoulder as he turned the eggs and fed Array little bits of extra food. He bit his lip thinking the whole thing was stupidly adorable and totally sexy at the same time.

“Good morning beautiful.” Steve said without turning. “Sleep well?”

Bucky couldn’t hide his surprise, thinking he was being very quiet. “How the hell did you?”

“You’re not as sneaky as you think jerk.” Steve replied, turning slightly with the cat still amusingly perched on his shoulder. “I can hear you breathing.”

He shook his head. “You’re so full of shit punk.” He told him, coming more into the kitchen now. “You just saw my reflection in the microwave.”

Steve didn’t bother to answer that and asked again. “So how did you sleep?”

“Like a baby.” He answered honestly, coming up behind them to pet Arya before sliding his arms around Steve’s waist from behind. “Thanks to you.”

He was amused by Arya climbing off Steve’s shoulder onto his and using him as a launching pad to get to the chair. It was just such a cat thing to do, and he watched as her fluffy little tail swished as she lapped down some water, before burying his face into nape of Steve’ s neck. He took in a huge gulp of air, taking his scent deep into his lungs and cherishing it. It was his favorite smell. _Morning Steve_ he thought to himself and chuckled a little.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” Bucky said coyly against his skin. “You just smell good that’s all.” He ran his lips over his neck a little more, before nipping slightly. “It’s making me hungry.”

For more than just food he realized. Because damn he tasted good too. There was something about his skin that drove him crazy, and always had. For as long as he could remember he’d been attracted to Steve through all 5 senses, which all together turned him on more than anything else. 

Steve was a full sensory immersion experience for him it seemed. And he was revved up, remembering the night before. Feeling it all over his own skin still. He was dialed to 11 on the heat scale. Wanting to completely shake off his mini flashback and start the day off right.

“Is it now?” He heard Steve ask, that deep voice sounding so alluring in Bucky’s ears. “Well we are about to have breakfast you know?”

Bucky’s hands found the hem of Steve’s tank and slid his hands up under it, training his fingers over his chest as continued to chew on his shoulder a little from behind. The fingers traced the lines in his abs, their shape committed to his permanent memory. And yet while he was beautiful and muscular now, he’d always loved touching him. Since the moment they’d become lovers, when they both were fumbly teenagers, he’d loved touching him. Skinny or muscular Steve had always been attractive to him. Had always been perfect.

“Well that’s good then.” Bucky finally answered, putting his lips to his ear. “I gotta get something in my mouth or you’re gonna lose those pants right here Captain.”

“Is that a threat Sergeant?”

Bucky grinned and dug his fingers into Steve’s chest possessively. “It’s a goddamn warning punk.” He purred in his ear, pressing himself into his back. “Don’t tease a staving man.”

He chewed on Steve’s neck a little more, practically climbing him from behind. His hand pushed further under his shirt, scraping lightly on his chest. He was still not sated from all the sex they’d been having lately. In fact, it had made him want even more. Or at least something to tide him over until next time. He used to think there was something weird about these phases that they’d got into, but he now knew there was nothing wrong with it at all. And nothing felt more normal or right than being wildly attracted to his husband. He had been done feeling ashamed about this a long time ago. His love and desire for Steve was the one damn thing he’d always been sure of in his life. So he went with the insanity that it sometimes brought with no reservations at all.

He saw over Steve’s shoulder, him sliding the frying pan off the burner to let it cool before turning around his arms and grabbing Bucky’s hair with his hand firmly. “Someone’s frisky today.” He observed, his other hand pressing into his back, pulling him closer, their lips barely touching. “Guess I didn’t tire you out enough did I?”

Bucky grinned, running his tongue teasingly over Steve’s lips. “I can never get enough of you punk.” He whispered to him, his metal hand sliding inside Steve’s sweatpants and squeezing his ass. “You could paralyze me and I’d still want you to keep fucking me.”

He was very revved up, a part of it just wanting to forget his mini flashback, but mostly just because he was addicted to him. Thinking this was what junkies felt like when they needed a fix. He literally whined when Steve kissed him then, practically climbing on him again. He could feel him getting hard between them and suddenly wanted to suck his dick until his head popped off. Which caused him to whine again, a little louder and grip his ass a little tighter, his tongue practically in Steve’s throat now.

His metal hand slid around inside Steve’s pants and found already aching for him, and began stroking him causing moans to come from the other man at the feel of that hand. His lips curved into a smile and he knew was going to do it. There wasn’t any stopping this train once it started.

“I wanna..” He breathed against his lips. “Please Stevie..”

It was a pet name he always used in that situation. Like a code of sorts, and he could hear Steve growl against his lips and felt him grip his hair tighter. They had a new ritual they’d perfected over the last year once Bucky had finally been able to pleasure him again. The feel of the grip on his hair caused Bucky to tear his lips away and drop to his knees right there on the kitchen floor and immediately chew on Steve’s abs, moaning like a total hungry submissive.

“I would never let you starve baby.” Steve growled, his Brooklyn accent coming out strongly. “I’m all yours..”

Bucky looked up at him with pure desire and adoration, loving that he could please his man like this. Never wanting to not be able to. Remembering the days, months, the near fucking year he couldn’t after remembering his abuse. Of being forced to do this. That it had been rape and not his choice, and once he’d accepted it and understood his lack of choice, he was finally able to see it, not as obligation to his lover but as something he wanted to do for him. And it had freed him.

“All mine.” Bucky breathed as he pulled down Steve’s pants a little more to claim his prize. “Always mine.”

And then grabbing Steve’s ass possessively, he took him into his mouth and moaned thickly as the feel of it. At the taste of him. Feeling Steve pull his hair hard, guiding him and Bucky went to town on him. Also using his metal fingers to stroke him inside at the same time like he liked. He felt Steve’s hips jerk and thrust against him and he moaned deep in his throat as he took him in further.

His hair got yanked and it was glorious. His lips curled into a smile as he flicked his eyes up to see Steve’s fall back as he took him as deep as he could, still using those fingers to push him further.

It didn’t take long to be honest, Bucky knew exactly how to do this for maximum effect. He wanted all of it, gripping him tighter, taking him deeper until he could barely breath. But it was worth it when he made him cum right there in the kitchen. He took all of it. Craving it like a starving man.

When he was finally done and released him, he felt Steve’s hand pull his hair hard yanking him up to his feet, where they proceeded to kiss hungrily, feeling Steve suck on his tongue as if he wanted to taste it too. His hand gripped Bucky’s hair so tight and his other arm pressing him to him. Once again, he was getting dizzy from lack of breath but didn’t care. Steve would never let him fall ever again.

“I love you punk.” He whispered against his lips. “Merry Christmas.”

“Hmmmn..” Steve replied as he pulled his lips away and rubbed their noses together sweetly. “I love you too jerk.”

There were no words that had ever made him feel safer or more protected. More cherished. It had always blown every doubt he’d ever had away. Pushed back every horrible memory. He laid his head against Steve’s and took a long deep breath again, taking it all in yet again. Letting himself feel everything. Sound, touch, sight, taste. And smell. But not all of that was pleasant.

He could still smell a faint whiff of bacon and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder for a moment, wanting to smell him instead not wanting to remember that again. But it came briefly causing him to shake slightly. Steve must’ve felt the tremble because his arms tightened around him a little more.

“You okay?” He asked, his fingers stroking his hair softly.

“Yeah.” Bucky replied, taking in a deep breath. Smelling Steve and relaxing at how safe it made him feel. “I am now.”

“You sure?”

Bucky pulled back slightly and looked at him, putting on the best face possible. He didn’t have to fake the smile too much either. “I’m fine.” He reassured him. “I swear.”

“Alright then.” Steve replied, not looking like he believed him completely, which Bucky totally understood. “Let’s get you fed then.”

He raised his eyebrows in a saucy way. “Did I eat already?”

Steve shook his head and didn’t answer, just kissed him again and Bucky was more than happy to throw his arms around his husband’s neck and return that kiss. Smiling into it, grateful for everything he now had, and fighting back any doubts about how long this perfection would last. It was Christmas after all.

\--

When they finally sat down for breakfast, Steve was still a little concerned for him. Worried that maybe he’d done something to trigger him. Maybe he pulled his hair a certain way that had reminded him of something that had been done to him. All he could think of, other than the intensity of the pleasure, was that tremble that had gone through Bucky’s body toward the end. So he decided to ask, for his own piece of mind.

“About earlier.” He asked him, as Bucky picked up his coffee mug. “I didn’t.. do anything wrong did I?”

Bucky looked at him over the top of his mug, his eyes showing surprise. “Of course not.” He answered, putting his mug down. “Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because you were shaking for a minute there.” Steve explained, leaning forward with his elbows on the table. “Like something was bothering you and I was… worried maybe when I pulled your hair it bothered you.. reminded you of..”

Bucky got a sad look on his face as he finally understood what Steve meant. “That had nothing to do with anything you did Steve.” He told him adamantly, putting his hand on Steve’s for a moment. “I like everything you do.”

The sincerity in his eyes convinced him, causing him to take a relieved breath. “Then what was it?”

“I just… I smelled the bacon and.. I.. just had a memory that’s all.” He said in a quiet voice, then turned back to his coffee and drank some more. “It’s gone now.”

“Is it?” Steve asked, very carefully. “Because you’ve never really told me why it bothers you.”

Over the course of the last few years he’d gotten used to dealing with and understanding Bucky’s triggers. At least the ones he was away of. And had done his best to deal with and accommodate them no matter how frustrating they could be sometimes. Therapy had helped, and just talking to Bucky had helped as well. Bathroom lights were checked and changed regularly, and small spaces were avoided when they could be. Hospital accommodations were made. Bucky was working through these things in therapy and Steve had made his own adjustments as well. He’d known the source of many of these triggers, so he understood them. But the bacon thing, while he got Bucky didn’t like the smell, he’d never explained why, and Steve had hoped someday he would.

And Bucky seemed to be contemplating whether he wanted to say anything at all today about it. Contemplating it hard actually as he ate some of his eggs and drank his coffee and juice. He had even scooped Arya up into his lap as if for some comfort and Steve just watched him, waiting him out.

“I’m not sure todays the right day.” He finally said, his voice quiet. “I don’t want to ruin Christmas with this shit.”

Steve shook his head and brushed some hair gently from his face. It had fallen out of the half ponytail, half bun he had going on. Some wavy strands of that beautiful brown where there, framing his face in a gorgeous way. His dark lashes were sort of lidded but not in provocative way, looking as if he was seeing inside his one head and not caring for what he was seeing there.

“You’re not gonna ruin it Buck.” He told him softly, touching his chin and turning it to him. “And it might be good to get this out.”

He saw Bucky bite his lip, almost chewing on it in that sweet nervous way as he petted Arya with his metal hand. Steve could hear her purring all the way over where he was and watched her rub her face against his shoulder as if encouraging him. Because it was better for him to talk than to hold things in like he had before, and it seemed like even the cat knew that.

“It was that mask they used to make me wear. The muzzle.” He finally said, his voice almost painfully even, as if to keep himself in control. “It was always so tight, like everything they made me wear and sometimes I.. couldn’t breathe in it.” He swallowed hard and seemed to touch his throat unconsciously. “And it soaked up every smell.. especially that smell..”

Steve remembered the mask they’d made him wear, the first time he’d seen him he’d been wearing it and had looked painfully tight on him. He knew its purpose hadn’t necessarily been about protection but about anonymity. And control. The type of thing you’d put on an ornery dog. It all still made him very angry for him to this day. But he didn’t say anything, just put his hand comfortingly on Bucky’s leg and let him just talk it out of him.

“I had a mission once where I took the tires out of a car and dropped into a ravine.. but the target was still alive.” He continued to explain. “And the witness too. There weren’t supposed to be any so..I lit up the gas tank and watched it burn to.. confirm.” He could see him tremble again at this horrific memory. “The smell of the.. burning flesh got into the mask and it just never left.. I could smell it every time that damn thing was put on my face.” He looked over at Steve with haunted eyes. “It’s what burnt bacon smells like to me.”

He wanted to know and now he did. Standing up and leaning over he wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and kissed it softly. Comfortingly. “I’m sorry Buck.” He whispered against his skin. “I’m really sorry.”

“For what?” Bucky asked, wrapping his arm around Steve’s and rubbing it softly. “You didn’t do anything.”

“You know what I mean.” He told him, still holding his head to his. “I’m just sorry.”

It was everything he’d gone through and was still going through, just tying to get to some semblance of normal. They both had to work hard for that every day, and some were better than others. Steve knew for Bucky it was a constant struggle to keep his head straight and wanted nothing more than to be able fix it for him, but he couldn’t. All he could do was love him and he did that like he did everything else. Stubborn and all-in all the time.

“Funny thing is I actually like bacon.” Bucky mused, laying his head against Steve’s. “It’s just the smell.”

Steve held his face and looked in his eyes. “Do you need me to get rid of it?”

Bucky shook his head and smiled at him. “No.” He said, looking back at him with determination. “You and Arya like it and I don’t wanna take that from you.” He wrapped his hand a little more around Steve’s arm. “It’s my problem to deal with not yours.. and I’m working on it punk. I’m working on a lot of things.”

“I know you are jerk.” Steve told him nuzzling their lips together. “And I’m proud of you.”

Bucky’s blue eyes flicked up at him and he smiled in that way that Steve loved. It reminded him of when they were younger and found a private moment. The love that he would let show then, the one that had to be kept secret. His eyes lit up with it and it was usually right before he’d kiss him and this was no exception, as Bucky’s hands grabbed Steve’s shirt and kissed him sweetly. He let his own hands slide through those stray strands of hair and his face there as they did.

“So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?” Bucky asked after a moment, pulling back slightly. “Cause I kinda wanna focus on that.”

Steve could see he wanted to turn the subject right now, and he didn’t mind doing that. He wanted him to enjoy today too. To take as much of a break as possible from his troubled mind. And he had a few ideas on that. And already packed the car accordingly that morning while Bucky had still been sleeping.

“All I’m gonna say is we are going out.” He told him, playing with those loose strands of hair. “Get some fresh air.”

“It’s like 20 degrees out you know that right?”

“That’s the best time to do it.” Steve reminded him, standing back up. “It’s the freshest air of all.”

Bucky let Arya down and got up to his feet. “Alright then.” He said, stretching a little. “I need to take a shower then I suppose.”

“Well that’s funny.” Steve mused, sliding his arm around him. “So do I.” He pulled him closer. “Maybe we should save some time and take it together.”

Bucky gave him a saucy look, his own arms still haning at his side as Steve held him just like that. “I dunno punk.” He said thoughtfully. “That could be dangerous.”

Steve got his arm more around Bucky to the point where his hand was wrapped around his ass and lifted him almost onto his hip. “I’ve never known you to be scared of a little danger Sergeant Barnes.” He told him, getting an even better grip. “Besides you really don’t have a choice.”

“Oh.” Bucky mused, looking down at his feet, which were no longer on the floor. “I see” He wiggled his ass in Steve’s hand a little and nipped his chin playfully. “Is this payback for earlier Captain?”

Steve just smiled and proceeded to toss him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “Maybe.” He teased, patting his ass as he hauled him up the stairs to the bathroom. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Bucky laughed whole-heartedly as he was carried, and Steve loved the sound of that. Almost as much as he loved the sound of his soft moans as he got him naked in the shower and did indeed pay him back for that lovely assault. He was in hurry after all.

They did have all day after all.

\--

They were walking in the park, hand in hand in the snow. And Bucky had to admit he liked this a lot. For so many reasons.

It was quite and still, even for the city. Being a holiday and all. The sound of their boots in the snow was a soft crunch and it was really one of the few sounds other than the occasional car going by. The air was crisp and invigorating, their breath coming out in white clouds around them. And he could feel Steve’s hand, even through both their gloves, holding his openly, their fingers looped together as the hands swung between them. And it was snowing again, lightly, just enough to dust their hair a little.

It was just.. perfect.

He loved the fact that they could just do this now, just walk together openly displaying their love to anyone who was around to see. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe it. That he could actually touch him in a non-macho, non-platonic way in public. That he could kiss him if he wanted to. That he didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Because he’d been used to hiding his real feelings to the point where he didn’t even dare show the love in his eyes for fear of reprisal and now, here they were like any other couple out for a walk in the snow covered park.

Never mind the fact that he was here at all. After everything that had happened. That he’d done.

He turned and looked at Steve with what he knew was the sappiest look of love, because he felt it and was no longer afraid to show it. He watched the light snow collect on his wool had, and in his hair and the way the cold caused his cheeks to cherry up. To Bucky he sometimes looked like a damn angel. And for him he was, because without him he’d still be lost in the dark. Or worse.

“What are you staring at gorgeous?”

Bucky felt caught for a minute and recovered. “Just your stupid face punk.” He teased, bumping into him playfully. “And how silly you look in that hat.” He smirked and stepped away. “Kinda makes me wanna hit you with a snowball.”

“Oh really?” Steve answered raising an eyebrow. “You really want to start that?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t I?” He responded, bending over to pick up some snow. “Everyone knows I can kick your ass at that too.”

“Is that a challenge?” Steve asked, grabbing a handful of snow himself.

Bucky just grinned and balled the snow up in his hand and winged it at him, right in the sweet spot. Basically declaring war. He was feeling good, playful and unburdened and just adored the look of surprise on Steve’s face right before a snowball came flying at him and got him square in the shoulder. And soon they were grabbing handfuls of snow and engaging in an epic snowball fight to rival the ones they had as kids. To the point where they were covered and laughing hysterically, hiding behind trees and ambushing each other. Having a grand old time.

At one point, Bucky stopped, acting like he was out of breath. “Damn I’m soaked.” He told him, complete with the hard breathing. “Give me a minute.”

Steve looked at him concerned and when he got close, Bucky whacked him with a snowball almost right in the face. Which earned him a tackle right to the ground into the snowbank. Steve leaning over him, his knees buried in the snow. Bucky had to admit he liked this position, even if the snow was soaking through his clothes. He was enjoying himself immensely.

“That was a dirty trick Sergeant.” Steve admonished. “Should Court Marshall you for that.”

“You know what they say punk.” He replied haughtily. “All’s fair in love and war.”

Steve leaned in close, his breath in Bucky’s face. “Do you surrender?”

“Hell no.” He retorted, wriggling his hand free. “No surrender.”

And then his hand was loose and he grabbed a handful of snow and smashed into Steve’s neck, distracting him just enough so Bucky could flip him onto his back, straddling him and looking down with satisfaction.

“Looks like I got you now.” He cooed to him. “Now who gets to make demands?”

Steve just gave a haughty look, not really trying to get away. “Depends on what you want jerk.”

Bucky grinned, sitting on him, and leaning over. “What I always want.” He purred, his hands flexing on Steve’s arms before he let them go. “You punk.”

Steve smirked, grabbing his hips and it wasn’t long before they were kissing right there in the snowbank, laughing and hitting each other with snow in between. It was cold but Bucky never felt so warm as he did then, with Steve’s hands hooked in his hair, and his lips on his as they laid in the snow, enjoying celebrating Christmas in their own special way. At one point they laid there, around each other, looking up at the light fall of snow coming down, lost in their own little world.

Like their own personal snow-globe where it was just them.

In the midst of this, a nagging sense of fear came upon him. Later he would think that maybe it was the snow melting into his back, bringing a distance, painful memory to the surface. Of his fall and laying in the snow, feeling himself slowing bleeding out. That might have been part of it he was sure. But it was also a general feeling of dread that things were too good right now at this moment. That the earlier setbacks were a sign that his mind was ready to come off the hinges again. The idea terrified him and once again he felt a tremble go through him as they were kissing softly there in the snow.

Steve felt it, he always did and rose up a little to look at him concerned. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” He replied, not wanting to ruin the moment again with his shit. “I’m just cold.” He tried to smile reassuringly. “Shits soaking through my pants.”

He watched Steve seem to study him as if he wasn’t sure if he believed him. And who was he get defensive about that when his track record over the last month for being honest was well under 50 percent. And while he wasn’t exactly lying, the snow was soaking through his jeans, it wasn’t why he was shaking. But Steve didn’t call him on it, at least not then.

“Then maybe I should get you warmed up.” Steve suggested, getting up on his feet and pulling Bucky to his. “Fortunately, I cam prepared.”

Bucky looked at him questioningly and allowed himself to be pulled along through the park and back to the truck. Which was now running due the remote car starter, heat wafting out of it when the door was open. Before he got in Steve turned him and, taking his gloves off and putting them on Bucky’s face. They were warm and he closed his eyes for a moment concentrating on that feeling.

“How prepared?” Bucky asked his voice a little shaky. “Because I’m soaked.”

“You’ll see.” Steve told him, rubbing those warms hands more over his cold skin. “Let’s go for a ride.”

Bucky didn’t question him because he was, actually really cold now. He got in the car, into the heated seats and striped his jacket off, tossing it on the floor. Trying to put away the weird little doubt in his head and remind himself it was Christmas and he was having a mostly good day.

“So where we going?” He asked curiously as they pulled out of the parking lot. “Do I get a hint?”

“A place where no one will bother us.” Steve said cryptically. “Where we can really warm up.”

Bucky pondered this, watching the snow fly by the window as they drove. Thinking all he wanted to do was curl up in Steve’s arms and feel him around him. Feeling needy in a way he sometimes hated. He let himself relax into the heated seats and just looked over at Steve with a soft look he couldn’t help.

“What?” The other man as he looked over at him.

“Nothing.” Bucky said softly, reaching over with his metal arm to find Steve’s hand. “I just love you punk that’s all.”

Steve just smiled, picking up the metal fingers and kissing them softly as they drove. “I love you too jerk.”

Bucky smiled at those words, and just watched him as he drove. As if to just to keep reminding himself of what he had. To keep those old doubts out of his head. And it worked. Somewhat at least.

\--

They laid facing each other in the backseat, under a warm blanket, stripped of all their wet clothes, just touching and kissing like they did in the park. Only this time they were warm. Very warm.

The pier at Coney Island was abandoned today. Any business was closed, and it was too damn cold for tourists, so they were parked in a pretty much empty lot by the pier. The roller coaster loomed in the sky behind them, the sky still spitting snow over the turbulent ocean. The truck was warm, retaining the heat from the heater as well as from their bodies, which caused the windows to fog enough so no one could see inside. Once again in their own little world.

Steve was amused to see a streaky handprint in one of the windows, as if betraying their actions to the world. Not there that here was anyone around to see it that was.

Bucky had been cold, soaked to the bone actually and Steve was still occasionally worried he’d still get sick like he did a few years ago, so he was always extra cautious to Bucky’s irritation and amusement.

“You know I can undress myself.” He told him as Steve stripped his shirt off him. “Last time I checked I was an adult.

“Just humor me will you?” Steve told him, hanging the shirt over the seat. “Don’t want you to get sick again that’s all.”

“I don’t know punk.” Bucky mused, watching him. “I think you just like undressing me.”

When he stripped him he took some time to really rub his skin until the heat returned, and things became intimate between them yet again, until they were making love fiercely in the back seat, Bucky’s feet planted on the back of the the front seat as he moaned and writhed under him. His other knee had been bent up so high it was practically in Steve’s armpit he’d opened himself that much. Bucky was very flexible when he wanted to be. And sex in the car always turned him on even more. Especially here.

Coney Island was always a favorite location. Full of good memories.

Their first time had been under the pier on rainy day a long time ago. It was place they liked to return to when no one else was around. It was, and always would safe.

The soft, always hazy memories of their times as teenagers under the dock, discovering each other as it rained above them, was strong in them when they were here, and it fueled them. The memories of that lost innocence coinciding with their now seasoned adult bodies always made for spectacular orgasms. Not that were ever lacking, there was just something about doing it here that would always be special.

Now he was just sitting there, running his hand over Bucky’s face, neck, shoulder and down to his waist under the blanket and then back up again. Bucky watched him with hazy eyes as he laid with his metal arm tucked under his head and his leg wrapped around Steve’s. His flesh arm was resting on Steve’s waist, almost wrapping around it.

“Well I’m definitely warm now.” He said to Steve, smiling softly. “Toasty actually.”

“Yes you are.” Steve agreed and pulled him closer so he could nuzzle his face against his. “Feel better?”

“After that?” Bucky said, brushing lips over Steve’s. “How could I not?”

Steve brushed his hair softly, tucking a strand behind his ear and titled his chin to look in his eyes. Searching them because he had his doubts that the shaking was just about being cold. Yeah he was freezing but the shudder was one of fear not cold, Steve knew the difference by now.

“Whatever it really is Buck you’re allowed to feel it.” He told him, resting his hand on his face. “Even if it is Christmas, it’s okay.”

Bucky bit his lip in that nervous way and tucked his head under Steve’s chin like he did when he was trying to hide. Like he just wanted to disappear into him. He could feel his hand press into his back and wrapped his own hand around the back of his head, hoping he would continue to open up and talk.

“I just feel scared.” He admitted. “Like all of this too good to be true.” He seemed to bury his face more in Steve’s neck. “Like I’m gonna wake up and it’s all gonna be gone..”

He was shaking again, and Steve knew he wasn’t cold now. He clutched at him as if reality was fragile for him and Steve thought that maybe sometimes it was. That the things that been done to him were still messing with his head even now. He’d known it would take a long time to completely undo it. And that maybe it would never be completely undone. That the damage was too severe to repair entirely. He knew all could do was continue to try and prove to him that none of this would ever go away. That was real and always would be.

“None one is gonna take this from us Buck.” He whispered into his hair. “I promise.”

Bucky shook his head against Steve’s shoulder. “I’m not afraid someone’s gonna take it.” He said quietly. “I’m afraid that my mind won’t let me keep it.. that I’ll go crazy again like before.’

“You were never crazy Buck.” Steve told him, lifting his head and holding his face in his hands. “You were just sick.”

“Not was Steve.” Bucky corrected. “Am. I am sick. It’s still there its just.. dormant.” He pulled a little closer, his hand wrapping around Steve’s arm. “I wanna enjoy that while it lasts.”

Steve looked at him sadly, realizing that he was looking at his mind like a time bomb about to go off any minute. And the worst part was maybe he wasn’t entirely wrong on that. He was still profoundly affected by his PTSD on a regular basis, flashbacks and anxiety attacks were always an imminent possibility and it still hurt to think that. But he was, as always, a suborn fuck and would keep fighting with him for as long as it took.

“Tell me what you need right now.” He asked him, wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky’s neck. “Whatever you want.”

“Just this.” Bucky whispered, nuzzling his face against Steve’s. “I wanna stay right here. What else could I possibly need punk?”

Steve kissed his head and wrapped his arms around him tightly, feeling Bucky return his face to the crook of his neck. He felt him breathe in yet again and cuddle into him contentedly. The axillary was on and some Christmas music was still playing softly in the background. It was the only sound other than the waves in the distance and the sound of their breathing. It was times like this he felt like if he could just hold him forever, he could keep him just like this. Could protect him from the things that still hut him. But he couldn’t protect from his own mind he knew that. He could just comfort him.

“So what’s next on the itinerary after this Captain?” Bucky asked after a time, nuzzling his neck softly.

“That’s a surprise too.” Steve told him, stroking his hair. “But it does have to do with one of your Christmas presents.” He grinned as Bucky lifted his head, looking confused. “See if you can figure out which one.”

“You’re terrible.” Bucky admonished. “Such a fucking tease.”

Steve chuckled and kissed his head again. “Just keeping you on your toes Sergeant.”

“You’re gonna be the death of me Rogers.” Bucky told him as he lifted his head to kiss him again. “But at least I’ll die happy.”

“We both will.” He whispered back, taking his lips again, unable to stop kissing those lips. “Cause I’m not letting you that easily jerk.”

He felt Bucky smile against his lips and pulled him closer, both of them melting in each other’s arms again. Like they had that first time under the pier and had ever since.

“Just promise me something punk.”

Steve smiled into his hair. “Anything.”

“When spring comes we’re gonna ride the hell out of the Cyclone.” Bucky asked against his neck. “No chickening out.”

“Of course.” Steve answered, chuckling. “We’ll do it as many times as you want.” He lifted his chin and nuzzled his nose. “And I promise not to get sick this time.”

He saw Bucky smile, his eyes twinkling in happiness right before he wrapped his hand around Steve’s head and kissed him again. A soft sweet one that promised more. It reminded Steve of the way he first kissed him on the roof that night. But with more surety than he had then. He dug his own fingers in Bucky’s hair and bunched it in his hand, pulling him onto him, wrapping his other arm around him. Holding him close to him just like that.

Pulling back Bucky looked at him, his knees now straddling him and smiled, his eyes sparkling. “That was pretty gross punk.” He told him, bracing himself a little. “Took my mom several washes to get that out.”

Steve laughed as held him closer to him, remembering that rather embarrassing incident fondly now. He’d spewed everywhere, including on Bucky and he had never let him forget it. But what he’d loved the most was that Bucky had never coddled him, had dragged him onto to the roller coaster even though he was reluctant. He had always known Steve was stronger than anyone thought. Had always believed in him. Had always loved him, even then. It made his heart fill up every time realizing that Bucky had loved that little guy from Brooklyn before he’d become what he was. And no place reminded him more of that than Coney did.

“You’ll never let me forget that will you?”

Bucky ginned, nipping his neck playfully. “Nope.” He replied. “Some memories are priceless. Even that one.”

“Yeah.” He concurred, pulling his lips to his again. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Any memory with him was worth remembering in Steve’s book. And the fact that Bucky could remember it at all was what made it even more special. That with all the things done his head he could still pull that out and it made him happy. It was all Steve wanted really. To see him happy

So he smiled as he kissed him again, keeping that moment alive as long as possible as they continued to celebrate the holiday in their own special way under the shadow of the Cyclone.

\--

Bucky looked up the tree, in awe like he had been the first time he saw it, way back in 1934, when he and Steve had scrounged up the money to take a train into Manhattan on a cold December day. It was still a marvel for him to see it even now. Even after all the other amazing things he’d seen. Another thing was still around from when he was younger. Connecting the past to the present.

This version had to be over 80 feet tall and had the biggest, coolest white star on the top of it. And Bucky still wondered whose job it was to put that there. Joking to Steve that some poor bastard probably had to climb the thing to do it.

“He was probably covered in pine tar.” He mused as he looked up at it. “That’s a shit job.”

“Bucky they use a crane.”

“Yeah now.” Bucky reminded him, giving him a cross look. “They were too cheap back then so there was probably a guy who pissed someone off and had to do it as punishment.”

Steve had shaken his head and then kissed Bucky’s lovingly. “I love your weird ideas jerk.”

“It’s not weird punk.” He told him adamantly. “It’s true.”

“Whatever you say.” Steve relented, opening the bag as they sat on the bench. “Now how about we skate before the ice melts.”

The other great thing about the Tree at Rockerfeller Center was the skating rink that was right in front of it. And one of Steve’s Christmas presents to Bucky was his own pair of ice skates. Seeing as how they had enjoyed it so much in Germany. Bucky had agreed it was the best part of that trip and expressed a desire to do it again and now here they were at another New York City iconic spot, lacing them up on Christmas Day.

It was getting dark, and the lights were now on. The temperature dropped into the teens and it was perfect skating weather he had to agree. He could tolerate the cold a bit better now with the new medication and the fact that he was more diligent about taking it. He still didn’t trust himself with the acute pain killers just yet, but his prescription medication was working fine, and he felt better physically than he had in a while on that front. It was just the shoulder from the surgery that bothered him.

So he was skating his ass off tonight with Steve. Sometimes their hands were even linked in a cute way he wasn’t ashamed of. Sometimes they skated separate, but always found each other in the crowd. At one point he was caught in mid-skate and pulled into Steve’s arms, before being dipped. He swung his leg out for balance, laughing at he was pulled back up to his feet again.

“Hello gorgeous.” Steve asked as he looked playfully into his eyes. “You come here often?”

“Do I know you?”

Steve winked at him. “Would you like to?”

“Hmmm.” Bucky replied, batting his eyes at him. “Not sure you’re my type.”

“Oh but for you...” Steve purred to him, letting his hands wander a little. “I’ll be anything you want..”

“You might want to be careful big guy.” He flirted as he was pulled closer. “Cause you’re getting awful fresh.. “ He nuzzled his nose against Steve’s. “And my husband might get jealous.”

Steve’s hand into his back, their faces very close. “Oh really?” He asked, grinning himself. “Should I be scared?”

“Well he’s a big guy.. very protective.” Bucky mused, tossing his flesh arm around Steve’s neck. “Will fight anyone who touches me.” He brushed his lips over his. “He’s a real crazy punk..”

“Well I can’t blame him.” Steve whispered to him. “I mean you’re quite the dish sweetheart..”

Bucky laughed genuinely at that right before Steve kissed hm on the ice, under the huge lit up Christmas Tree as they balanced on their skates. The other skaters skated around them, oblivious to them as they enjoyed the moment. And at that moment he was inspired, the memory planting itself like a picture that he wanted for later. For painting. Causing him to smile stupidly and hold him a little closer.

“What are you grinning about?” Steve asked as he pulled away from him and moved some hair out of his face.

“I was just thinking you still have no game Rogers.” Bucky teased, extracting himself from his arms. “No wonder you couldn’t get a date.”

Steve almost looked offended at this, refusing to let him go completely. “Hey I must’ve done something right.” He protested. “I got you after all.”

“Technically I got you punk.” Bucky reminded him, teasingly pulling away. “I kissed you first remember?”

“But you were already crazy about me jerk.” Steve sassed, hooking his arm and putting his lips to his ear. “Just admit it.”

He was right on that. Steve had hooked him pretty early with that adorable feistiness and a pair of pretty blue eyes. He’d been in love with him for longer than he’d realized but he’d be damned if he’d let Steve know that. He liked to keep that card as close as possible to him. The moment he’d looked in those eyes and his heart had been gone forever. That was special enough to keep to himself.

“Hell no.” Bucky said, his eyes hooded as he pulled away and started skating backwards. “I admit nothing.”

He turned and skated away, enjoying himself, never feeling more clear then he did at that moment. Which once again gave him that inner twinge of fear that his mind would betray him sooner or later. But he pushed it back, enjoying the night air and the freedom he’d never thought he’d had. And when Steve caught up to him and had his arms around him from behind, he was genuinely happy as they skated along like that. The Christmas lights shining from the huge tree above them. And for Bucky it felt like yet another perfect Christmas.

“You having fun gorgeous?”

“Yup.” He said with no hesitation, his fingers entwining with Steve’s. “I am.”

Later on, they retrieved some hot chocolate from the stand that was open and sat down on a bench, watching the other skaters. Laughing at some of the ugly sweaters and giving each other what he was sure were dopey looks of love every so often. Their breath would form white clouds that spiraled up into the air and every so often Steve would touch Bucky’s cold lips and then kiss them to warm them. Which always caused him to sort of blush and bit his lip a little like silly teenage girl. But he found he liked that feeling a lot. It was better than some of the other ones he’d felt.

When a softer song came on the speakers, Steve pulled him up again and took him back onto the ice where he wrapped his arms around Bucky from behind and they sort of half skated, half danced to it, He’d close his eyes, feeling Steve’s arms around him, his breath on his neck and trusted him to keep him upright as he kept his eyes shut, relying on his other senses now and it was quite the experience, with the cold air on his face, the breeze as other skaters went by them. Music playing from overhead speakers and the smell of hot chocolate in his nose.

It felt like Christmas. The most perfect kind.

They just moved together in perfect sync like always and he felt happy. Truly happy. And never wanted this day to end.

\--

Once they were finally home, Steve let Bucky just go off to whatever corner of the house he wanted to for a few minutes. Several minutes actually. Alone time was good too. He took care of a few things and after about a half an hour or so he went to find him and located him. In the art studio. Studiously painting and he just watched him do it.

Bucky was in his usual painting attire. A dark rock band t-shirt Wanda had gotten him a while back. Steve didn’t necessarily recognize the band but liked the way the shirt fit. Not snug, but not too loose either. His hair was pulled back into that loose bun he’d perfected and once again several wavy strands were hanging out, and he kept brushing them back absently. Which caused some paint to get on his face as well. A sign of concentration.

Arya sat in her usual spot, between his slipper clad feet. Steve smiled because he still had those ridiculous bunny slippers even now and it was so cute to him to see. He watched as his metal fingers tapped on his leg, his tongue sticking out between his lips as he focused on what he was doing. It was just such perfection. The whole damn package. It caused him to pull his phone out of his pocket and take a picture, which Bucky noticed.

“Another damn picture punk?” He asked, a half annoyed, half amused look on his face. “Really?”

“Sorry jerk.” He told him as he walked over to where he was. “It’s not my fault you’re so damn gorgeous I can’t help myself.”

Bucky rolled those blue eyes and turned back to his painting. “You’re so ridiculous.” He said with a sigh. “Why do I put up with you?”

Steve sat down behind him and nuzzled his neck as he painted. “You know why.”

“Well..” Bucky mused, dabbing some paint on the canvas. “You are good at few things I admit.”

“Such as?”

“Hmmm.” He said thoughtfully. “You do make a mean breakfast.” He swept what looked like a big dab of green around. “And you are publicly presentable.”

Steve raised his eyebrows and slid his hands over Bucky’s waist, fingers playing just und the t-shirt. “Is that it?”

“Oh wait.” He said, shifting against him teasingly. “The sex thing.” Steve could see the mirth in his eyes even from the angle he was at. “You’re pretty good at that too.”

Steve chuckled against his neck and gave him a little nip. “Just pretty good?” He asked, sliding his hands over his hips teasingly. “You sure about that?”

“Well when I say pretty goodI really mean.. fucking phenomenal at fucking Rogers.” Bucky answered matter of factly. “Does that placate your ego or do I need to elaborate further?”

Steve laughed against his neck at that statement. “I love when you use big words boo bear.” He whispered in his ear. “It’s so goddamn sexy.”

He saw Bucky smile at that and wrap his metal arm around the back of Steve’s head without even turning his body. It gave Steve just the right amount of room to nuzzle the part of his shoulder where the t-shirt pulled away, right next to the metal, where some of that scar tissue was. He heard a sigh escape Bucky’s lips even as he continued painting with his right hand, although not with as much energy as before.

“You’re not gonna let me paint are you?” Bucky asked, the metal fingers sliding into his hair.

Steve pulled his lips away from his neck and rested his chin on his shoulder. “Of course I will.” He said into his ear. “I love watching you paint..” He rubbed Bucky’s stomach through his shirt. “Please continues.”

He looked at the painting over his shoulder, realizing what he was painting and feeling in awe of it. Of good Bucky had gotten at this. How much he’d perfected his technique. His art was based on emotion, part of his therapy and it was clearly helping him. And it turned out, he was very talented as well. Which had come as surprise to them both. And this painting, just showed it beautifully.

It was them, under the lights of the giant tree. Steve had his arms around Bucky from behind and their eyes were open with a smile on his face. What was more interesting and telling to Steve was what looked like a bright white star. Like the one on the tree. Or maybe even the one on his shield.

Or the new one on Bucky’s arm. Or a combination of them all. Subtly symbolic he thought.

It was reflecting light on them, lighting them both up but especially Bucky himself. He didn’t know whether this was subconscious or not but it was beautiful. He even got his own hair color and skin tone and most importantly, his eyes right this time.

It was the first time Bucky had painted himself in a favorable light.

He’d always painted others beautifully, but never himself. All his self-portraits had a vibe of disdain for himself but this one, it gave Steve hope. That someday he might see himself like this. It was a step forward in his mind. A beautiful one.

“Bucky it’s.. beautiful.” He said in awe, holding him tighter.

Bucky almost looked shy about it, like he couldn’t accept the praise. “I suppose so.” He said quietly. “I was feeling good today so.. I guess.. I was inspired.” He put the brush down and sighed leaning back against Steve. “I can’t guarantee I won’t feel like shit tomorrow though.”

“I know that.” Steve whispered to him, kissing the side of his head. “But how you feel right now.. that’s what matters. We can’t do anything about tomorrow.”

He felt Bucky start to turn in his chair, swinging his leg expertly around so he was sitting on Steve’s lap. He put his hands on Steve’s face, the slightly cool metal and the warm flesh always creating such a strange, yet uniquely beautiful sensation. He kissed him just like that, his legs dangling on either side of Steve’s, the fluffy bunny ears brushing against his legs, causing him to smile and wrap his arms around Bucky’s back to hold him there.

“Well if that’s case I’m not ready to go to sleep yet.” Bucky told him as he pulled away. “Cause if I don’t go to sleep it won’t be tomorrow will it?”

“Oh you’re going to sleep jerk.” Steve admonished, rising up in such a way so that Bucky could wrap his legs around his hips. “I’m gonna make sure of it.”

“Oh its like that is it?” Bucky sassed, wiggling his ass against Steve’s hands as he situated him. “I don’t get a say in this punk?”

“Nope.” Steve told him, giving said ass a playful squeeze. “Captain’s orders.”

“That ain’t fair.” Bucky protested, biting Steve’s shoulder in response. “Cause I ain’t tired.”

“Oh don’t worry boo bear.” Steve informed him as he carried him to their room. “You will be.”

He saw the glint in his eyes as he said that. “I like the sound of that punk.”

Steve put him down on the bed, not too hard, but not soft either and Bucky laid there for a minute, with his knees splayed, propped on his elbows, seeming to enjoy that bit of roughness. Steve climbed on the bed and leaned over him, pushing up the shirt to lay soft kisses on his stomach. He saw out of the corner of his eye, Bucky about to kick his slippers off and stopped him.

“No sweetheart..” Steve said, with a hint of command in his voice as he looked up. “Leave em on.”

Bucky grinned saucily as if expecting this. “Sure thing babydoll.” He sassed, rubbing said slippers against Steve’s waist playfully. “Almost forgot about your bunny fetish.”

Steve growled against his stomach, loving when he said things like that. All the little pet names that came out every so often like that. And he did have quite a fetish for those damn slippers and Bucky damn well knew it too. He hungrily sucked a few new marks on Bucky’s gorgeous abs and laid some teasing feather kisses in places he knew he was ticklish, causing some beautiful moany giggle. And some slightly petulant hair tugs as well. It was all good.

He slowly pulled off the sweatpants and shorts underneath, maneuvering them expertly as to not take the slippers off, something he’d gotten good at over the years, when Bucky decided to wear them to bed like this. And then proceeded to attack his gorgeous muscular thighs, pulling them over his shoulder and leaving more sweet marks on their inner parts. Loving how crazy he could drive him sometimes, because that metal hand was yanking his hair hard in frustration now.

“You’re such a fucking tease Rogers.” Bucky seemed to hiss. “I’m dying here.”

Steve lifted himself from his thighs and pressed his lips to his stomach again, pushing his shirt up as he did. He then slid his hand down and pushed a couple of fingers into him, causing Bucky to yelp as he continued to lavish attention on his abdomen.

“You have to learn to be patient darling.” He told him, stroking him maddeningly slow. “Good things come to good boys who wait..”

Bucky literally whined and nodded his head, relaxing his body a little, his legs falling apart a little more to give Steve more room to work. Those beautiful blue eyes keep fluttering at every stroke of Steve’s fingers, those precious lips open, ragged breath coming out from between them. His hair was coming out of his messy bun and he just looked stunning, but then again, he always did to Steve. And he wouldn’t deny that controlling his pleasure like this was pleasurable to him. Knowing he had all the power here. That it was willingly given to him. But he wouldn’t abuse that either, going only as far as Bucky wanted.

“There you go baby.” He whispered to him, rising to kiss him. “Just relax and enjoy it.”

He knew exactly where to stroke him for maximum effect. Exactly how much pressure to use. Knew how to play his body like a finely tuned instrument. They both knew each other’s bodies well. Were ardent students.

He was fully planning on making this last for quite a while. And did.

\--

Bucky thought, when he cold think clearly, it was the perfect way to end the day, considering how it had begun.

He was riding him hard, literally slamming himself on him in throes of passion. His shirt was still on, the slippers still on his feet, thighs squeezing his hips every time he took him in. Bucky’s legs were going numb and he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be able to walk tomorrow. But he didn’t care. It felt like the most perfect grande finale to an amazing several days. 

His tags had fallen out of the t-shirt and Steve grabbed them, aggressively pulling him down to kiss him and Bucky moaned thickly, loving the roughness. The change of the angle. Loving the way that hand then slid over his neck and gripped his hair tightly as they moved harder. 

He was then flipped onto his back hard, and felt himself getting deliciously pounded, his legs pushed wider apart and he was hopelessly lost. He never wanted it to end. His metal hand raked Steve’s back again, causing growls and harder thrusts in response.

He’d already had one orgasm and was well on the very of another.

Steve did this to him all the time. No wonder he was addicted to it. Nothing in the world could rival the way this felt. Because he felt it everywhere. It was greater than any pain inflicted on his body, outdid everything and he craved it like an addict, gripping Steve’s hips tight with his legs and thrusting back just as hard, growling like a wild animal as he did.

When he came the second time he literally passed out in Steve’s arms, floating in that sweet space for a while only to wake up in them again. To wrapped up safely in them. It was a beautiful feeling and he never felt safer than he did in those moments. Those strong arms cradling him, hands caressing him in all the right places. Taking care of him like he always did.

It was a great day all around he had to admit. Even the little blips weren’t even that bad.

“I like Christmas. “ He purred, his face buried in Steve’s broad chest. “I like it a lot.”

Steve nuzzled his hair softly in response. “Yeah me too.”

He just curled his body into Steve’s, feeling himself literally purring in contentment. His legs entwining with Steve’s, tangling up in each other exactly the way he liked. He smiled to himself, thinking about how frisky they’d been lately, and how because of it, his depression and fear hadn’t had much time to settle in. So he felt genuinely happy. A part of him knew that wouldn’t, couldn’t last. But he was cherishing it just the same. Like Steve had said earlier, there was nothing they could do about the next day. So he was going to live the one he was in, regardless of what it contained.

“Can’t wait to see what you got planned for New Year’s punk.” He mused, burying his face in Steve’s chest. “Cause I’m not sure you could top this.”

“If that’s a challenge jerk I’m up for it.” Steve replied as they cuddled up together. “You know me.. always gotta top myself.”

Bucky actually laughed heartily at that, burying his face more into Steve. “You sure do.” He said, still chuckling. “I remember how every week the guy you picked to fight with was bigger than the last one.”

“Hey I fight big guys all the time now.” Steve told him, chuckling himself. “That was just practice.”

“Is that what you called it?” Bucky asked, starting to laugh again. “Cause I call it getting your ass kicked.”

Steve wrapped his arm tightly around Bucky and used his other hand to grip his hair. And Bucky loved that glint in his eyes. That feisty, take no shit look. The one he’d fallen in love over time. He might be in a bigger, healthier package now but he was still his stubborn punk at heart.

“You just loved wading in and saving me.” He said with a slight growl in his voice as he gripped his hair. “Didn’t you?”

“Someone had to keep your punk ass alive.” Bucky purred in response, their faces pressing together. “And I’m the one that couldn’t live without you so..”

He pulled into yet another, deep, sweet kiss and he gladly succumbed to it. He would never get enough of kissing him. Of being in his arms and happy like this. It was why he’d gone with him that day. Why he risked his life, and why even after all the misery and pain, he would’ve made the sacrifice again if given the chance. Just to have days like this. They made the bad times worth it.

“You’ll never have to Buck.” Steve told him, holding him close. “I promise.”

In that moment he believed that. Steve had a way of saying things that made him believe them. And the fought the emotion that came with that belief. Being without him was his biggest fear because he knew he wouldn’t survive. Steve was his whole world and a life without him, was no life at all. But he hid that emotion as best he could, and buried his face in Steve’s chest again, snuggling up and getting comfortable.

“I’m holding you to that.” He said as he closed his eyes, feeling sleepy. “Cause I’m getting used to having you around punk.”

He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep just like that, curled into his body, safely cocooned between him and the blanket.

\--

Steve had nightmares too, they were always as obvious as Bucky’s, or as extreme but they happened. This one an exception though.

They usually involved Bucky’s fall but this one was different. Even more terrifying because it didn’t start out as one. It started out as a pleasant dream that seemed exceptionally real.

_They were walking outside. It was beautiful spring day. Bucky looked glorious. Radiant even. His hair was loose, swaying in the breeze. Blue eyes sparkling at he looked at him. He could see the Manhattan skyline as they strolled through the park. _

_He felt happy, like he had on Christmas, surely this was another good day wasn’t it? _

_“Steve?” He heard Bucky’s voice say as he turned to him. “Is this real?” _

_He smiled at him, putting his face in his hands, seeing something changing in his eyes. “Of course it is Buck.” He told him, just look around.. it’s perfect.” _

_“No it isn’t.” Bucky replied, his voice changing suddenly, becoming more agitated. “It’s a trick.. I can’t get out of here.” He looked terrified. “There’s no other way.” _

_He stepped back from Steve and pulled something out of his pocket. It was a knife. He held it up and looked at Steve with those haunted eyes. And put it to his throat. Causing Steve to panic. _

_“Bucky!” He cried, stepping forward. “Stop. You don’t have to .” _

_“I’m sorry Steve.” Bucky said, regret in his eyes. “It’s the only way to save you.” _

_The dream had that agonizing slow-motion, like whenever he’d picture Bucky’s fall, it was always slower. It felt like he had more time. He screamed as the knife cut into Bucky’s throat, blood pouring out before he could stop and all he could hear was Zola’s amused voice echoing through his head._

_“Your death, like your life adds up to a zero sum game..” _

He screamed himself awake, sitting up on the bed in the middle of the night. He turned, looking for Bucky in the dark and found him sitting up too. Of course he wasn’t going to sleep through that. They always noticed when something was wrong with the other right away.

“Steve?” He asked, his eyes bleary from sleep. “What’s wrong?”

He just stared at him for a moment, alive and in front of him, and then just crushed hm into a fierce hug, burying his face in his shoulder. Feeling himself shake and sob at the image still in his head of Bucky cutting his throat. Of the blood. The feeling of helplessness and despair. Like he felt whenever he dreamed about that day on the train.

“You’re alive.” He kept repeating as he clutched him, feeling his warm body pressed into his. “You’re alive.”

“Yes I am Steve.” Bucky said, pressing his own lips to Steve’s head this time and holding him. “I’m right here.”

“I couldn’t save you.” He stammered into his shoulder, clutching at him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yes you did.” Bucky reassured him, lifting his head to look at him. “You save me every day.”

He pulled Bucky into his lap, needing to touch him and kiss him and he did just that. Sliding his hands from his neck down his sides, all over him as Bucky sat above him, his hands on his face as they did. Like he sensed Steve needed to do just this.

Steve was still really starting to scratch the surface of how much what had happened to Bucky and his mental illness. And his own feelings and guilt about it. He knew there was deep underlying fears of a devastating relapse. Just like Bucky had. And although Steve had to reassure Bucky that things would be okay, it was obvious that his own subconscious mind wasn’t sure either. Especially after what had went down over the last month or so. He was just as afraid as Bucky and he had to at least admit that to himself, even if he couldn’t outwardly tell Bucky just yet. He had enough on his mind. And part of him called himself a hypocrite for that.

“Did you dream about it again?” Bucky asked him, looking down at him. “About when I fell.”

Steve swallowed hard, debating on whether he wanted to tell him the exact nature of the dream. Having a pretty good idea that Bucky would know if he was lying. They called bullshit on each other better than anyone. So he decided to be as honest as he could.

“I dreamed you.. killed yourself like you were programmed to.” He confessed, shaking a little. “And I couldn’t stop you.. and Zola was laughing and..”

Bucky got a pained look in his eyes and wrapped him up again, pressing his lips to Steve’s head. “I won’t do that I promise. No matter how bad it gets.” He said in a choked voice. “I won’t.”

Steve just buried his face into Bucky’s shoulder and wrapped his arms tighter around him. Not wanting to let him go. Wanting to protect him and keep him safe. Even if the fear was irrational it was there and he felt it, unable to get the image out of his head. It would take a while.

“I know.” He whispered to him. “It’s just.. the idea of losing you again.. I can’t..”

They just sat there for a while, holding each other. And Steve thought to himself that maybe they both had the same fear deep down. That what they had built for themselves, this life they had, would snatched away without their ability to stop it. So they just comforted each other in the middle of the night like they always had in these moments of doubt. That was part of it too.

For better or worse. Til the end of the line. They meant it all.

“I love you Buck.” He said into his shoulder, his voice still filled with emotion. “I just.. love you so damn much.”

Bucky just held him tighter, burying his own face into Steve’s hair. “I love you too punk.”

Eventually they laid down, holding each other tight, refusing to let go. And slept in the next morning just like that. Even joined by a sweet cat as well. They had no plans and made none. Putting their phones on mute and just ignoring the world. As far as they were concerned it was not wasted time at all. No time together was ever wasted.

And it was okay for a while. For longer than they thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So more Christmas fluff and smut cause i'm in that mood and because well.. things are gonna happen in the next one just a warning. 
> 
> I think everyone gets that feeling that things are going too well sometimes, especially when your life is chaotic you tend to doubt yourself. And a lot of this chapter is about living today, for the moment because tomorrow might not be as kind to you. And with Bucky's instability this is a good way to take it because he just can't be sure. 
> 
> The mini flashback was just to illustrate how complicate and frightening PTSD tirggers are and how it affects your daily life when you suffer from it. People can have it for years, for decades and its so insidious as we've seen. Something as simple as the smell of burnt bacon can traumatizing if it's associated with something painful. But talking through is a good thing. Understanding it is good so you can fight it. 
> 
> The Tree at Rockerfeller Center has been there and has been lit every year since 1933 so it's yet another thing that still exists for them now. The northeast, cities like New York and Boston are time capsules sometimes existing side by side and it's a good place for them because they can see their past and their future at the same time. 
> 
> I wanted to change it up and show one of Steve's nightmares and how this has affected him to live with this situation with Bucky. How fearful he is deep down of losing him to his own mind, and let Bucky comfort him too. It was scary coda to this mostly happy chapter I know but it also sets up the next few, because they might be a bit difficult. 
> 
> The next chapter will be much heavier and darker, it's working title is 'The Shadow' but that could change you know me. I won't say what is going to happen other than it will set the course for the next part of the fic just an fyi
> 
> And again thank you all for the kudos and the comments <3<3


	9. Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork for this chapter on my Tumblr per usual

It had been pretty good for a while. Over a month actually. He was allowed to decompress from his eventful holiday season and settle into a normal routine throughout January. Which had typically been a rough month but this one was better. For a few reasons.

Bucky had long since accepted that he needed to be on medication for his anxiety, and Amelia and Pam had come together on a new prescription that managed both that and depression to some degree. It stabilized him, keeping the highs and lows more balanced. As much he hated the idea of being medicated still, he had to agree it helped him while he worked through the psychological aspects in therapy more.

He had also gotten a new prescription to manage the pain he still felt when it got cold as well, which helped his mood too. He kept joking to Steve that he needed one of the organizers elderly people had to keep track of their pills, that it was fitting because he was, in fact, over a hundred years old now.

“Well I’m glad you have a sense of humor about this.” Steve noted, checking out one of the new medications.

“I gotta punk.” He told him, giving him a warm smile. “Other wise I’d go really crazy.”

“You’re not crazy jerk.” Steve had told him, kissing his nose playfully, causing him to wrinkle it in mock annoyance. “Just special that’s all.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Come on you idiot.” He lamented, and then gave his best wild eyed look. “I’m mad, you’re mad we’re all mad here..”

Steve laughed and pulled him closer. “Okay Alice.”

“That was the Cheshire Cat punk.” Bucky admonished, grabbing onto Steve’s shirt. “Get it right.”

“Whatever jerk.” Steve answered, snaking his hands to his hair to kiss him. “Same difference.”

“Now if you read that like I told you to you’d know the difference.” Bucky admonished, brushing his lips teasingly over Steve’s. “For shame.”

“Well then..” Steve had answered, gripping his hair a little. “How you read it to me later.” He smirked devilishly. “In bed.”

Bucky chuckled and allowed himself to be kissed. “Deal.”

This was typical morning for him and he was loving it.

His final semester of classes was about to start up soon as well and it would give him another, much needed distraction from the way the weather sometimes made him feel. The aches and pains that sometimes broke back unpleasant things. Spring was around the corner. He had a lot to look forward to. And for once he was feeling pretty good again mentally. More stable. Which was why happened came as such a horrible surprise.

Life had a way of kicking you in the slats when you least expected it.

Today he was meeting Wanda at their favorite coffee shop, which they had found on their many excursions. It had become a thing for them to do. Finding new places to shop for clothes, because Wanda liked finding clothes for him, because, as she told him, he had model good looks. To which he usually scoffed at.

“I’m serious.” She’d tell him, pulling a navy-blue button off the rack to show him. “You are gorgeous you should wear clothes that accentuate that.”

Bucky did a playful, model-like toss of his hair. “Well I suppose you’re right kid.” He’d said, taking a look at said shirt. “So maybe I should make you my personal stylist.”

“Damn straight.” She agreed, pulling a nice looking denim jacket off the rack and holding it again him. “Cause I’ll make you look fabulous dahling.”

He had to laugh at the accent she used and winked. “I know you will.”

They would do that, and she’d always end up buying him clothes. And she must’ve been right because roughly one hundred percent of the time Steve approved of the clothes. Although he could wear a paper bag and Steve would like it. But he usually felt good in the things she picked, whether it was a vintage t-shirt or a button down, she had and eye for what looked good on him, so he let her pick his wardrobe for him.

And the coffee-shop stops were part of their regular adventures and they’d found some damn good ones right in Brooklyn. And had even ventured out to some of the other Burroughs as well. But today they stayed on the island. At a nice little place not far off from Brighton Beach.

They had been enjoying their coffee, literally the best Mochachino he’d had, and just sort of chatting up what was going on lately. He really enjoyed his time with her, she was yet another thing in his life that kept him level and made him feel like a normal person.

“Vis tried to make Paprikash again and he still goes directly by internet recipes, but I keep telling it’s all in the pinches and dashes and such.” She prattled on. “He’s trying and I love him for it, he’ll get it sooner or later, until then I have to keep sorta adding things in when he’s not looking.”

Bucky smiled, shaking his head at this. He’d liked Paprikash, had had it in Romania, so he knew the nuances of making a traditional dish. And Wanda sometimes brought some over for them as well when she’d visit. And he’d always eaten voraciously when she did. He and Steve both.

“Steve’s fortunately a very good cook.” Bucky told her, even though she already knew. “He can make a mean lasagna that would do Garfield proud.”

They laughed and went on like that for a while until Bucky decided he was hungry as well. He got up and went to get himself a Danish and another coffee, giving one of his best smiles to the young girl at the counter. She’d had an obvious crush on him since they’d been coming there and just about melted every time he’d talk to her. It was cute and it made him feel good to be a bit flirty with her. It was completely harmless and they both enjoy it.

“Thanks doll.” He’d say to her and wink as she gave him his pastry and coffee. And he gave her a tip on top of it. “There you go.”

He saw her blush and still had the smile on his own face when he turned and heard something that pricked his ears a bit.

It was someone speaking in Russian, but that wasn’t unusual, this area had a high Russian population, which he’d gotten used to. So it wasn’t the language that had gotten his attention, it was the voice saying it. Familiar inflections and tones. Ones he’d heard before.

From a long time ago.

And immediately his heart rate increased. He tried to shake it off as trace association memory, something Amelia had taught him about. Random things that would remind him something else due to unpleasant associations. Otherwise known as false triggers. But the voice continued to talk and now he could hear it over everything else. His ears had picked it out and zeroed in on it and at that moment he hated just how good his hearing was.

He’d heard this voice before he was sure of it. It caused hackles to up in his back and his hand to shake.

_“Soldat..” _

Without any control over himself he turned in the direction of the voice to find the man speaking it and when he did, everything changed. His vision got brighter as his pupils dilated, the noise increased around him, he could hear the creaking of the fan over his head even though he couldn’t before. He was rooted to the spot and the man turn and look at him, their eyes meeting, and he knew. His chest tightened, breathing shortening. His head spun and he felt dizzy. And terrified.

This one’s face, he knew it. The same icy eyes he remembered. He saw the man smile at him.

And he raised his hand, snapping his fingers and Bucky felt his hand let go of his coffee, causing it to spill on the floor next to him. And fell on his hands and knees, his flesh hand landing in the hot spilled coffee and burning it, but he didn’t feel it. He heard Wanda’s voice, calling out, terribly concerned. But he didn’t really register it.

He was somewhere else. Somewhere far away.

_“Soldat.” The voice said, the fingers snapping. He knew what that meant. _

_The Soldier was down on his knees before the echo of the sound finished ringing off the cement walls. It was a conditioned response now. The man in the boots wanted his compliance. Wanted him to perform. But not just for himself, for the others as well. The part called Bucky had long since retreated, leaving the more obedient, detached part of himself. Who knew as terrible as these humiliations were, it was better than what would happen if he didn’t cooperate. _

_It wasn’t the man in the boots this time who required his submission, he was just there to make sure it happened. It was the other. The one with the piercing eyes and the.. hands… the ones that like to touch him. Everywhere. If he didn’t cooperate with this, punishment would ensue. _

_Just like if he didn’t complete his training properly. Or later on, if he didn’t complete a mission. _

_The blue light would used in place of those hands. In terrible ways and places._

_So he’d let him touch him. Run his hands over his head. His hair, shoulders, back and lower. Touching intimate places that made him feel sick. Like he was inspecting a prized poodle at a dog show. It was all about behavior modification. Teaching total compliance. And he’d learned. But today, the Bucky part of him wasn’t completely gone away and was itching to rebel. Hating the feel of those hands. Those exploring, terrible hands, caressing and fondling places he had no right to touch. Even in his broken, beaten down mind, he knew there was only one person he ever wanted to touch him like that. That he ever wanted to do these things with. _

_He growled and lashed out, unable to stop himself, knocking that man against the wall. And promptly saw a bright flash as the man in the boots, his chief torturer/rapist reasserted control with an object he held in his hand just in case. Red blood ran over his eyes and he felt dizzy and unsteady, falling against the wall and sliding down it. _

_And felt himself being moved, dragged and knew exactly where he was going now. And fought against it. Unsuccessfully. Normally he could’ve overpowered them, but he was disorientated and unsteady. The blows barely hit. _

_He was going to the room with the flickering lights. The place of his nightmares. _

_He started screaming and struggling harder knowing what coming now.. Feeling his wrists being strapped down. And hearing that sound that said the burning was coming._

Suddenly he was back in the coffee shop again, on floor actually, looking up at Wanda’s very worried face. His head hurt and he felt fuzzy. There was blood in his eyes and his right hand felt warm too, like it was burnt. He felt confused, out of sorts for a moment.

“Bucky?” She asked, her voice showing how scared she was, her hand glowing as she touched his head. “Are you okay?”

He blinked his eyes, seeing a few other people, looking a variety of scared and worried. Including what looked like a police officer, most likely called to due to a disturbance. He had a suspicion about what had happened, and his heart sank, but needed more details first.

“I don’t know..” He answered honestly to her, trying to sit up on his knees but having trouble. “What happened?”

Wanda bit her lip at worriedly. “You dropped your coffee and then fell on your knees.” She explained. “I think your hand slipped in the coffee and you hit your head.” She brushed some of his hair with her glowing hand, which was warm and comforting. “But that wasn’t all of it was it?”

He saw the people looking at him, and suddenly felt exposed. Ashamed that this happened again after all this time. But also terrified, remembering what had caused that horrible flashback to begin with. That man. Sitting in the booth. A man from his past. His eyes widened and he scanned the room for him. Trying to prove his own sanity intact. That he’d seen him. Even though part of him knew it was impossible.

_I killed him_ his mind said. _In the room.. stabbed him he’s dead_… But the other part of his mind insisted _it was him I know it._ It was confusing. Like his mind was splitting again. Questioning reality.

“The man..” He told her, stammering as he tried to get up. “He was here… I saw him..”

Wanda put her hands on his shoulders. “What man Bucky?” She asked. “Where?”

He pushed her back gently and got up, noticing the wary look of the cop, whose hand was on his weapon. It suddenly raised a fear response in him, causing his fists to tighten and a dark look in his eyes. Which might have resulted in something bad, if Wanda hadn’t stepped between them putting her hands out.

“It’s alright.” She assured the officer, causing him to relax his posture and take his hand off his weapon. “You don’t need that.” She turned back to Bucky. “Where was he?”

Bucky’s eyes once again scanned the café and found the booth where he’d seen the man. There was no one there now of course. Why would there be? If he was here, he certainly wasn’t going to stick around to be ID’d by anyone that was for sure. But it also made him look a little more nuts than he already did , as he stood there with a burnt hand a bleeding head, eyes dilated and showing way too much white. Now he was talking about someone who wasn’t there to boot.

“He was there.” He told her, voice shaking, wondering if he was, in fact, crazy. “At least I.. think he was..”

She nodded sympathetically. “I’m gonna call Steve okay?” She told him, taking his arm. “For now you need sit down.”

The girl at the counter, whose name, according to her name tag was Katie, brought over a towel to give to Wanda so she could put it on his head. “Is he okay?” She asked, her eyes showing more concern than fear Bucky noted. She was a nice girl.

“Thank you.” Wanda said to Katie and added. “He just.. this happens sometimes he’ll be alright.”

Katie nodded and handed Bucky another coffee. “It’s on the house.” She said, smiling sweetly, which gave Bucky sense of normalcy again.

“Thank you doll.” He told her, trying his best to smile through his confusion. “Sorry about the mess.”

“It’s okay.” She said in return and added. “My dad’s a vet too and this happens to him sometimes , its alright.”

Bucky had realized she’d seen his tags and made the connection. She might not have exactly who he was but knew he was most likely dealing with something. And fortunately, the cop, who was a little young, seemed to be getting it too. But hung around just the same in case of a flare-up. Bucky didn’t blame him for that to be honest.

Wanda called Steve, explaining what was gong on, and Bucky could only imagine what Steve must’ve been thinking at that moment. He’d been over at the compound for a meeting and probably had to leave it now. And Bucky felt a sense of shame at him having to run off because of him. Because he couldn’t control his own mind again.

“He’s on his way.” She told him, checking his head where it had been cut. “Are you okay now?”

His head hurt, and his hand hurt, but he could deal with that. It was the inner confusion that was bothering him. He was still shaking minutely. There was two scenarios here, and neither one of them were particularly appealing. In one, he’d imagined that man, created him out of his own mind, which meant he might be cracking again.

Or the there was the other, the just as terrifying possibility that one of his tormentors was alive and well. And right here in Brooklyn.

“No I’m not.” He admitted to her, his voice breaking. “I don’t know what’s real.” He tried to drink a little bit of his coffee, his hand shaking as he did. “He was there but.. I’m not sure..”

Wanda put her hands on his face, they were warm and calming. “Who was he?” She asked quietly so only they could hear. “Tell me.”

Bucky swallowed hard. “Someone who should be dead.” He confessed, shaking badly now. “Someone who hurt me..”

She didn’t say anything, she just wrapped her arms around him and hugged him and he let her, just needing the comfort. He was so confused and scared at the moment, he just let her comfort him, burying his face in her shoulder as she held him.

\--

Steve had almost had a panic attack of his own when Wanda called him. Because he she was out with Bucky and the first thing that came to his mind was terrible concern. And it was with good reason. Although she had assured him Bucky wasn’t seriously injured it didn’t change the worry when she’d hinted at what happened and why she was calling.

“He had an.. incident.” She told him, her voice quiet as if she didn’t want someone, maybe Bucky, to hear her. “You need to come.”

“Is he okay?” He asked, his mouth dry, hoping for good news. What he got was something in the middle which was not reassuring.

“I don’t know.” She answered. “Physically he’s fine but.. you know.”

Steve pressed his hand to his head, feeling a slight headache that he knew was from worry. “I’ll be right there.” He told her. “Just keep him calm.”

She assured him that she would, and he said a hasty goodbye, saying he would explain later and basically had to keep himself from getting a ticket he drove that fast. And then reminded himself he’d do no good to Bucky if he wrapped himself around a tree. In fact he knew his spouse would be pissed at him for risking his life no matter what the circumstances.

When he got to the café he had to be let in because the girl working there, named Katie, had locked up because the place had closed. But had allowed Wanda and Bucky to stay, along with a concerned cop who Steve assumed was just there to make sure Bucky was not dangerous. After meeting with and having a word with Captain America himself, the latter man was reassured that the situation was under control and left them alone. Which was a relief because he was sure it wasn’t helping Bucky to have him around.

He didn’t like the looks of Bucky when he saw him though. He had what looked like a gash on his head and a towel around his flesh hand. But that wasn’t the made concern. It was the look in his eyes. How wide they were and the way they were scanning the room in that hyper-alert way he’d recognized from before. When he’d first come home. He was clearly terrified of something and on the lookout for danger.

Crouching in front of him, he brushed some hair back from his face softly. “Bucky?” He asked, turning his face to him. “You okay?”

It was almost like it took him a minute to register who it was, like he was lost in his own mind. Or just too hyper-vigilant to notice at first. The fear in his eyes relaxed slightly, showing recognition. “Yeah..” He said in a voice that still sound confused. “I think so..” His eyes darted around the room again. “I don’t know.”

“What happened?” Steve asked as carefully as possible, holding his face with both hands now. “Tell me.”

Bucky pinched his face a little, once again as if unsure. “I saw someone.” He told him, turning his eyes back to Steve. “At least I think I did… I’m not sure.”

“Who did you see?”

“One of them..” He whispered as if he was afraid someone would hear. “But that’s not.. possible..” He seemed to furrow his brow a bit thinking harder now. “He should be dead..” His eyes darted back to Steve again. “But it was.. him.. He even.. snapped his fingers..”

Was he talking about one of his Hydra captors? It’s what it sounded like to Steve and it was a frightening thought to him. Whether he saw him or not. He registered the finger snapping comment and thought this was a new thing, but that wasn’t surprising because Bucky remembered new things all the time. There was a lot to dig up and a lot of it was painful and downright terrifying.

“One of them?” Steve asked finally, holding Bucky’s face to him as Wanda stood behind him with her hand on Bucky’s shoulder to steady him. “Do you mean Hydra?”

Bucky nodded, his eyes flicking around again as if fearful, before once again coming back to Steve’s. “I wanna go home.” He told him, and Steve could see his hands shaking. “I’m not safe here… please..”

“Okay.” Steve reassured him, helping him to his feet. “The trucks right outside.”

“I’m coming with you.” Wanda insisted. “I don’t have my car.”

Steve thought this might not be a bad idea, thinking one of them could keep an eye on him in the car. They thank the girl working there and told her they’d keep her posted on this, allowing her to close up. But before they left, he asked her an important question. Something he wanted to check.

“Do you have surveillance here?”

“Yes.” Katie told him, watching as Wanda stood with a very paranoid looking Bucky. “The boss insists on it.”

“I might either come by or send someone to take a look at it and maybe make a copy.” He explained to her looked back at Bucky for a moment before turning back to her. “It could help him.”

“I’ll my boss know.” She assured him and smiled. “I’m glad he’s okay Captain Rogers.” She smiled shyly. “He’s really nice.”

That made Steve smile and he felt sure he could get this done. Because she clearly liked Bucky. A lot. It was adorable and reminded Steve of the way girls would always ask him if Bucky had a girlfriend when they were kids because, well, he was just that dreamy when he was a teenager and young adult. It always amused him, but never made him feel jealous or insecure. Well maybe a little before they’d gotten together, but not so much after. Because he knew where Bucky’s heart was by that point.

“Yes he is.” He told her as they left. “Thank you.”

When they’d finally gotten him home after, what felt like a longer car ride than it actually was, Bucky seemed to retreat into the house rather quickly. He watched him double check the security system, his eyes still a bit too wide for his liking. He’d been really spooked he looked almost manic as he checked the doors and scanned the house.

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve told him, grabbing his shoulders and turning him gently as he checked the window for the tenth time. “No one is getting into this house you know that.” He gave him a soft kiss on the forehead and could still feel hm shaking. “Jut sit down on the couch and relax alright?” He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “I’m gonna call Pam.” 

“I don’t wanna go to the hospital.” Bucky said, almost fearfully and it just about broke Steve to hear that in his voice. “Please.”

“We’ll have her come here alright?” He offered, guiding him to the couch. “Sound good?”

Bucky nodded, looking down as Arya began to circle his feet, as if sensing that he was upset. Steve saw him bite his lip and then lean down, lifting the little cat into his lap, where she promptly put her paws on his shoulders and nuzzled his face sweetly. Wanda sat down next to him, putting her hand on his and all this gave Steve comfort. And enough of window to call his doctor.

She told him over the phone she’d be there shortly and that was fine with Steve. He had more questions and concerns he wanted to ask about. Trying to stow the emotional, worried, angry ‘wanting to go out and kick someone’s ass’ side of him, and use his level-headed one because Bucky badly needed stability right now.

“Who was he Buck?” Steve asked as he crouched in front him again. “Which one?”

Bucky looked up at him and Steve could swear it was the Winter Soldier again, the calmness with the underlying anger just below the surface. It was like he was shutting down the part of his mind that was scared and panicking. His hands were still trembling, and he looked pale, but his composure at that moment was almost frightening to him. And yet beautiful at the same time.

“Does it matter?” Bucky asked in a flat voice, with a hint of defensiveness. “He was one of them.” He lifted his hands and ran them shakily through his hair. “I probably imagined it anyways.. cause it’s impossible.”

Steve put his on Bucky’s softly. “Why is it impossible?”

“Because he was one of the ones I killed.” Bucky admitted, furrowing his brow again. “At least I think I did.”

Steve didn’t answer right away to that. Bucky’s memory of those times was still so fluid and fragmented that nothing was certain. The Winter Soldier had told Steve how Bucky had killed 3 of his chief tormentors in that room, but even he wasn’t clear if all the men had died. The Solider never specified much, because it was that part of his mind that had been present. Bucky had been the one to clarify on the fate of his chief abuser, but the other ones, he’d almost disregarded. And that made Steve wonder if maybe if it wasn’t all in his head. What if someone had survived. It was Hydra after all, they had rescued Bucky from near death after all. Not for altruistic reasons but for their own benefit of course.

“I can’t have seen him.” Bucky continued, swallowing hard. “I had to have imagined it.”

“I don’t think you imagined it.” Wanda said adamantly. “I was there remember?”

Steve registered something in her face and countenance that he filed away to ask her. Because she seemed sure of it. Making him wonder if she’d seen something herself as well. Maybe something she didn’t notice at first.

He didn’t get a chance to finish this thought because there was a ping on his phone indicating that Pam was here. It was a conversation for later, when Bucky was more emotionally stable and therefore calmer and more rational. So he got up and let her in.

Sam was with her, and Steve assumed they were together, it was probably date night or something and he felt a little bad about this. “Sorry if we interrupted something.” He told them as they came in. “It’s just..”

“It’s alright.” Pam said with understanding. “He’s my patient and I’m always on call.”

And she proceeded to go right to him, Wanda getting up to allow her space to work. Sam stood in front of Steve with his arms crossed and Wanda came over as well as Pam began to look over Bucky, checking the cut on the head and the burn first and foremost.

“So what happened?” Sam asked, looking over at them concerned.

“I don’t know.” Steve answered, running his hand through his hair and looking at Wanda. “I wasn’t there.”

“He was fine.” She explained, biting her lip in worry. “Everything was fine it was a normal day and then it was like.. he saw something.” She seemed to hesitate a little as if not sure how much she wanted to say. “He saw someone.. whoever it was it.. scared the hell out of him.”

Steve gave her a look, studying her for a moment, and decided to ask. “Do you see anything?” He asked, needing to know. Wanting verification. “Or someone?”

“There was.. someone.” She confirmed, furrowing her brow as if thinking. “He looked pale and I turned to see what he was looking at and I saw a man..for just moment and Bucky fell down and..”

“You got distracted.” Sam finished. “Understandable.”

Steve let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Thinking Bucky didn’t fully imagine this person. He remembered the confusion in his eyes when he’d asked. As if he wasn’t sure if he’d actually seen anything. Wanda’s words convinced him that something real triggered this flashback and it was bit of a relief. But that brought with it a new set of problems.

“I may need a favor from you guys.” He told them, lowering his voice a little more as to not be heard by Bucky or Pam. “It’s important.”

They nodded and listened to what he had to say. It may not exactly have been on the up and up but it was important. “That coffee shop had a surveillance camera.” He told them, glancing over at Pam and Bucky quickly. “If we could get a hold of the tape maybe.. we can find out what really happened. The girl who works there wants to help, but we may need to persuade the owner.”

“What are you thinking Steve?” Sam asked, as if intrigued. “That he may have actually seen someone from Hydra?”

“I don’t know.” He said honestly. “He saw something and she saw someone where he was looking.” He motioned at Wanda. “I don’t think Bucky imagined anything here. I just wanna know what caused this because to be honest, I haven’t seen him like this in a long time.”

“He has PTSD Steve.” Sam reminded him. “Anything could’ve triggered him, a sound, a flash of light. ”He saw Steve’s look and shook his head. “I’m not saying you’re wrong I’m just saying its possible he got confused.” 

“I believe him.” Wanda said suddenly, looking over. “You didn’t see the way he looked Sam. How scared he was and…I felt something when I looked where he was looking.. something bad..” She looked back and forth at both of them. “I think it’s worth checking out so I’m in.”

Sam took a breath and looked back over at Bucky and his fiancée for a moment. “Alright I’m too.” He agreed. “What can it hurt to check it out.”

“Okay then.” Steve said, relieved that he had help now. “We’ll get into more details a little later.” His attention was turned back to Bucky again, watching as Pam took something out of her bag. “Right Ijust..need him to be alright.”

“He will be.” Sam assured him. “He’s in great hands right now.” He gave Steve a look like he was studying him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Steve was a bit surprised by this question. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He asked a little more defensively than he intended.

“Because there’s a chance, no matter how impossible it may seem, that there’s a former Hydra angent nearby that’s why.” Sam reminded him. “You have to keep your head on straight too.”

He felt them both looking at him, and had an idea of what Sam might’ve meant here. Although he didn’t want to admit it. The idea that one of those assholes that had hurt him was possibly still alive and close by had brought a range of feelings in him he was realizing now. Worry for Bucky and what this would to do him, the fear he would feel at that thought. A sense of protectiveness about this danger that close. Which led to the anger, that seething rage he’d bottle up over the horrible ways they’d hurt him. Thinking of all the things he would do that piece of shit if he did, actually still exist.

“I’m fine Sam.” He said, knowing he wasn’t and knowing Sam knew too. But putting on the front just the same. “I’m just worried about him that’s all.”

He could lie to himself. At least for now. Because to him, all that mattered at the moment was Bucky’s well-being and he had to focus on that.

\--

“Your heart-rate is really high.” Pam told him as she took his blood pressure. “Gotta get that down.”

Bucky nodded, still feeling dizzy and out of sorts. His chest hurt from breathing too hard and it felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest it was still hammering hard. He just couldn’t stop shaking or get calm. Even being home on his couch, with that cat on his lap, he just couldn’t get himself under control.

He just kept seeing that man, smiling at him and snapping his fingers. Kept getting visions of that horrible place. It wouldn’t leave his head. _Soldat…_ the voice said. _Comply. _The feel of those hands on him, touching him, making him feel sick. And when he failed to comply.. the pain. The sound of a hand striking him hard. The sound of the broken fan clanking under that blinking light.

“Bucky I’m gonna give you a sedative if that’s okay?” Pam asked, her voice barely penetrating the din in his head. “It’ll help you calm down.”

He finally registered her voice and nodded, wanting something, anything to make that image go away. Hating that it was back. And terrified of what that meant. He let her take his arm and give him the injection for now, just wanting some peace in his head again. Just wanting to fade into a dull fog for a while. Even though a part of him still mistrusted being drugged like that, at this moment he needed it

It had taken a while for him to trust doctors but he trusted her.

“How are you feeling otherwise.” She asked, checking his head again.

“Alright.” He answered finally, his own voice sounding tinny in his ears. “Head hurts a little.” He flexed his fingers on his flesh hand. “And this stings but.. it’s not bad.”

“It’s just a bump on the head.” She told him, smiling softly at him. “And a minor burn. And don’t tell me you’ve had worse I know you have.”

Bucky actually smiled at that himself. “I guess I’m getting predictable.” He mused as she taped a band-aid to his head.

“Not really.” Pam replied, finishing up and putting some stuff away. “You’re actually one of my more interesting patients Bucky.” Then she put a little salve on his hands. “And one of my favorites.”

They shared a little smile and Bucky thought again how much he liked her. How devoted she was to her patients and their well-being. And how much she’d helped him over the years. 

“Sam’s a lucky guy.” He told her as she went to get up. “Still don’t know what you see in him though.. because between you and me he’s kinda of pain in the ass.”

Pam laughed and Sam perked up from his conversation with Steve and Wanda. “What you say about me Barnes?”

“Nothing but good things Wilson.” He called back, happy for the distraction. “Stop bein’ paranoid.”

“So what’s the verdict?” Steve asked, finally coming over, looking concerned.

“Physically he’s fine.” She told them as Bucky sat there petting Arya for comfort. “But I had to give him a sedative to calm him down and I’m goingto leave you with something to help him sleep as well.” And turned and looked at Bucky and back at Steve. “I’d like to see him tomorrow morning at the hospital though after he gets some rest and we’ll go from there.”

Bucky was simultaneously relived that he didn’t have to go in tonight but chagrined that he had to go in tomorrow. He hated this. Hated feeling like some defective piece of shit that had an inevitable malfunction. But he was too tired to argue about going tomorrow, the sedative was taking effect and he could feel his body finally relaxing and his eyes flutter occasionally.

Sam and Pam offered to take Wanda home because she did not have her car so that was set, Bucky listened to a lot of the exchanges around him in that slightly sedated haze. Including getting a hug from Wanda, who was relieved he was okay but clearly still worried about him. It was sweet and cute that she was fussing, and Bucky hated worrying her like he did.

“You just care of yourself okay?” She whispered in his ear, a soft glowing hand on the back of his head. It steadied his mind even more. “We’ll figure this out.”

“Thanks kid.” He said back, allowing her to tightly hug him. “And I will I promise.”

Sam had to chirp up of course too in his usual way. “If you think all this is getting you out of our rematch this Friday, you’re crazier than you look.” He said with a healthy dose of sarcasm. “I’m still plannin’ on kicking your ass Barnes.”

Bucky had literally annihilated Sam at bowling and the latter had insisted that it wasn’t fair using the metal arm so this week they had plans to do it again, using the regular one. Bucky was amused that Sam thought had a shot at it this time.

“Doesn’t matter which arm I use Wilson you’re still goin’ down.” He shot back, smiling at him. “So don’t get cocky.”

The women of course rolled their eyes at this competitive male bullshit and for a moment Bucky had forgotten what had happened earlier. He loved his friends, they were there for him but also kept him grounded in life and reality and showed him a world where he was somewhat normal. So he was always profoundly grateful when they distracted him like this.

Once everyone was gone and it was just him and Steve, Bucky finally let himself feel the fear and insecurity. To feel the disappointment and shame in himself for reacting the way he did. He ran his hands through his hair and leaned over, his elbows on his knees, hands still on his head. He took a deep shuddering breath and let it out as he sat there.

He then felt Steve’s hands on his head, stroking his hair softly. “You alright?” He heard him as and looked up. “It’s just us its okay.”

“No.” Bucky admitted, letting his voice break a little. “I’m not.”

He put his hands up onto Steve’s waist and just buried his face in his stomach, letting out another shuddering breath, trying to steady himself again. His fingers clutched Steve’s shirt and sort of hung on there, feeling his hands still stroking his hair as they wrapped around the back of his head.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Bucky shook his head. He couldn’t right now. “No.” He said quietly, pressing his face more into him. “I just.. I can’t.” He let himself rise up so he could hug him fully. “My minds all.. messed up and I just need to get right if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine.” Steve told him, wrapping an arm round Bucky’s waist, keeping the other on his head. “It’s been a rough day how about we just have some dinner?”

Bucky smiled against his neck. “Sounds perfect.” He agreed, although he didn’t feel particularly hungry he’d humor him. “You have your moments punk.”

He had to be helped into the kitchen because the sedative made him feel a little loose and unsteady. As much as he hated being assisted, he didn’t trust his legs not to go out from under him right now so he grudgingly accepted the help and was sat down and fed.

The food was good per usual, pasta, but he didn’t eat it with a lot of gusto, which Steve noticed. “I know you’re feeling sick jerk.” He observed as he ate. “Because you usually inhale spaghetti.”

Bucky took another bite. “It’s the stuff she gave me.” He told Steve. Maybe trying to convince himself more than anyone. “It’s making my stomach feel like shit.”

_Soldat.._ heard in his head and almost gagged on his food right there as the unpleasant memory reared its ugly head. The feeling of hands touching him. Hurting him. It made him feel queasy all over again. He tried to push it back by swallowing hard but it was a tough go.

“I don’t think that’s it.”

Bucky felt a little defensive about that insinuation. Mostly because of how spot on he was. “Oh really genius?” He snapped at him before he could stop himself. “You a doctor now?”

“It’s alright.” Steve responded, ignoring the snap in Bucky’s voice. “Whatever it is.”

He gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry.” He said quietly, taking another bite of the food. “I just.. don’t feel good.”

“I know you don’t.” Steve said in a very soft voice, reaching his hand out to brush that strand of hair that kept getting in Bucky’s face, out of it. “It’s okay.”

Bucky just looked at his face, soft and understanding. Wanting to help. It made him want to spill it all out and let him really comfort him. But he was blocked by what he was seeing in his head today. And by the fear that he was losing his mind again. Because the man he saw, he couldn’t have seen. It was impossible. At least that’s what his rational mind was telling him. _But it was him…_ The other part insisted, and the clarity of the memory of seeing him in the coffee shop was backing it up. It was confusing and his mind was trying to process. And the queasiness was not helping either.

“I haven’t had one of those in a long time.” He told him, seeing the fork vibrate in his shaking hand. “And I’m not what I saw was real and its messing me up alright?”

“Why wouldn’t be real?” Steve asked, very patiently too, giving him some space to answer.

Bucky pinched his face for a moment, knowing if he answered he’d have to explain if further. But feeling like he at least owed Steve some kind of explanation too. He’d promised to stop shutting him out again after the mess that was December, and he didn’t like breaking those. Amelia had told him it was important to maintain communication even if it was difficult. That holding it all in did no good.

“Because he’d supposed to be dead.” He finally admitted. “I killed him.” He then furrowed his brow. “At least I think I did.”

“But you’re not sure anymore?”

“No.” He said, not bothering to deny that. “I’m not and that’s what messing me up.”

“Bucky?” Steve asked, wrapping his hand around his bandaged flesh hand. “Did he.. hurt you?”

He averted his eyes away from him, fighting back the memory again. “They all hurt me.”

“You know what I mean.”

Bucky kept his eyes averted and bit his lip before answering. “You mean like the other one?” He asked, his voice going flat like it did whenever that subject came up. “I don’t know.. I’m not sure.” His metal hand flexed on the chair. “I just remember he.. touched me and I.. didn’t like it.”

The metal fingers moved to his leg and he started scratching it through his jeans. Other than that he barely moved. Feeling as if he did the vomit would come up. And he hated getting sick. And even though he’d made his peace with his abuse, had in many ways vanquished that demon it still had the effect of making him shut down when the subject got brought up. Amelia had called this a defense mechanism, a way to cope. That it wasn’t unusual for it reoccur like this.

He looked over at Steve finally, seeing that soft look in his eyes. “I can still feel their hands sometimes.” He admitted, that hand continuing to scratch. If he hadn’t been wearing pants it would’ve been blo0dy by now. “I feel it now and I hate it.”

That filmy feeling of being dirty was back in force. And with it came the nausea again. And he couldn’t stop it this time. He stood up unsteadily and gave Steve a weak, apologetic look. “I’m sorry.. I’m gonna be sick.” He pushed out and stumbled to the bathroom. He just barely made it.

It all came just like it used to before. And he hated himself for it.

He clutched the toilet a little bit, still feeling queasy. He felt Steve’s hand on the back of his neck almost jumped out of his skin for a moment. His mind still in that horrible place, still feeling those horrible hands. He felt himself shake violently for a moment, feeling another lurch go through him but it was just dry heaves now.

“It’s okay.” Steve said softly to him, stroking his hair. “Just relax.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t.”

The sight of that man and the memories it had brought had old feeling back. And there was only ever one cure that worked for that. And he was right behind him. He turned, letting his eyes show that clearly. That he needed something. Needed to be touched in a good way again. Needed to feel right again.

“How about we take a shower then?” Steve said as he took his hand and help him up so he could flush and shut the lid. “I’ll wash your hair if you want.”

Bucky looked at him gratefully, thinking that was a fabulous idea. Wanting nothing more than Steve’s hands on him, making him feel clean again. Feel real. He allowed Steve to start just pulling his clothes off him. He then watched as he turned the water on, getting the temperature on it.

“You can make it hot if you want.” He told him, smiling a little. “Could just burn all of my damn skin off.” He looked down at his hands. “Might make me feel better.”

Steve crouched in front of him and put his hands on his face. “You don’t need it that hot.” He said softly. “That’s what I’m here for remember?”

Bucky chuckled, watching as Steve unwrapped the wrap on his hand. “That’s true I guess.” He mused as Steve tenderly touched his burnt hand. “You are a hot shit Rogers, how did I get so lucky?”

“I’m the one who was lucky.” Steve informed him, looking up. “You were the beautiful one.. I was the scrawny runt no one wanted.”

“I wanted you.” Bucky corrected, putting his hand on Steve’s face. “You were always beautiful to me punk.”

It had annoyed Bucky as a kid that people couldn’t see how great Steve was. How beautiful, brave and perfect he’d been. The shallowness of that. That they could only appreciate him now that he looked like their ideal. Most of them wouldn’t even have looked twice at him but Bucky had loved him since the day he’d met him if he was being honest. Because Steve had been the only one Bucky could be himself with. The only one he allowed himself to be this vulnerable around. Who accepted everything about him. And the only who was left that knew before all this crap had turned him into something else.

And the way Steve smiled almost shyly when he said that was just adorable to him. “You don’t have to flatter me like that jerk.” He said, getting him to get the rest of his clothes off. “You already got me.”

Fully undressed now he allowed Steve to pull him into the shower. The room was already filling with steam and he was still a little unsteady on his feet. It felt like a beautiful fog he could disappear into and he sort of did. He leaned his back against Steve’s chest and let him wash his hair in that glorious way he always did, getting a deep clean that felt so relaxing he could almost fall asleep on his feet. If he could stay upright that was.

It got even better when he felt Steve’s expert hands on his skin, rubbing, caressing, massaging, causing his eyes to flutter. Every touch of his fingers was washing away the memory of those other’s hands on him. Touching him in places he’d never wanted or had allowed. Steve’s hands, unlike theirs, felt right, soft and safe, the only hands he ever wanted on his body like this. Sliding over his waist and hips, stomach and even lower. Touching him intimately. Everywhere. He felt so loose in his arms, he might’ve fallen over if he wasn’t being held up.

“How’s that feel?” Steve whispered in his ear, breathing tickling. “Better?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky moaned in return. “Much better.”

He turned in his arms, putting his own around Steve’s neck, wanting to be even closer. Steve’s hands trailed over his back now, and over his ass caressing it softly under the water, causing his eyes to flutter again and his lips to seek Steve’s blindly before finding them and kissing him softly, with emotion.

When they broke apart he buried his face in shoulder and whimpered into it, feeling so much at that moment he couldn’t deal with it. All the fear and pain from earlier was finally flooding out and he was overwhelmed by it. By the memory of it all, wishing it would go away and just let him live normally again. And wondering what the hell he’d done wrong to make it come back like this.

“Steve..” He whimpered, hardly able to find any words at that moment. “I..I’m just..”

“Sssh.” Steve replied, stroking his wet hair. “It’s alright I got you.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, trying to let the water and Steve take away all the hurt for now.

\--

He’d gotten Bucky dressed in some warm bedclothes and gave him some of the sleeping aid Pam had left for him. He wanted him to rest right now, he just looked pale, scared and utterly exhausted. And as he was laying there Arya crawled up under his metal arm and curled up as if to comfort him. And Steve thought that was the sweetest thing right there.

Bucky looked at the pills a little skeptically. “Haven’t I been medicated enough today?”

“It’s to help you sleep jerk. “ Steve reminded him. “Your mind’s racing right now and your heart rates up, you need to relax and rest.” He smoothed his hair back lovingly. “You’ve had a rough day.”

“I know but.”

“But what?”

“It’s like everyone just wants to give me more medication. “Bucky said with a hint of irritation, lowering his head. “Like they want me manageable or something.”

He could understand why he felt that way. Why it still bothered him to be regulated like that. He knew they ‘d done that to him and messed with his head a lot. Had used it to control him and sometimes that suspicion still came out in an almost subconscious way Bucky maybe wasn’t even aware of.

“That’s not what it is Buck.” Steve reassured him, his hand lifting his chin gently. “It’s not about making you easier to deal with its about helping you relax because you need to.”

Bucky bit his lip softly. “Yeah I suppose.”

Steve gave him the water. “Besides Pam wouldn’t recommend this if she didn’t think you needed it.” He climbed on the bed next to him. “And you trust her right?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said as he put the pills in his mouth. “And I suppose you’re both right.” He then downed the water. “I’m not great right now.”

“Now see you’re wrong there because I think you’re great.”

“You don’t count.” Bucky admonished, rolling his eyes. “You’re biased.”

Steve chuckled and kissed his head. “Maybe I am.”

Bucky turned a little, scooping Arya up with him and put her between them as he sort of cuddled with Steve like that. Like a sweet little family cocoon with just the 3 of them. Steve let his hand rest on the spot where Bucky’s shirt pulled up, his finger stroking the skin comfortingly as he watched him. Bucky’s head was resting on his hand, his eyes half-lidded and averted slightly.

“If you wanna talk about it you can.” He suggested. “But only if you want to.”

Bucky blinked a little, resting his head on his right arm. “I’m tired.” He said, his voice reflecting that statement. “I don’t wanna even think about it right now if that’s alright.”

Steve nodded, knowing he wasn’t going to get much further than that tonight. And there was no sense in pushing it. He could see the sleep aid starting to take effect and in many ways that was good. Bucky’s body was far more relaxed than earlier and that was the point. To keep him calm and let him process in his own way. He was told rest was important after an incident like that, that that was exhausting in of itself. So he didn’t fight him on it in times like this. If he wanted to talk he would, right now he just needed rest.

He watched Bucky’s eyes flutter shut, his metal arm loosely over Arya’s sleeping body and eventually fall asleep like that. Steve could hear her purring in a comforting way, and he was glad for her too. The little cat had been a god send for them. He remembered hearing it scientifically proven that pets were good therapy, that people were more relaxed around them then around people. He saw the proof of that every day in the way Arya helped Bucky.

He kept running his hand constantly over his shoulder, down to his waist and hip in comforting way, wanting him to continue to remember the good touches over the bad that he was recalling again now. Sometimes that flared up too and it hurt to see. And pissed him off at the same time. That they had the audacity to lay their hands on him like that.

_I just remember he.. touched me and I.. didn’t like it.._

Thinking that if Bucky really saw that guy and Steve actually found him, he might have a hard time restraining himself from causing that asshole immense pain. He had a lot of pent up anger himself about this and knew that was somewhat dangerous in itself. But he couldn’t help feeling it.

Leaning over he brushed some hair back that had fallen in his face and kissed him softly. Bucky scrunched his face just a little in reaction but didn’t wake. “No one’s ever gonna hurt you again.” He whispered to him, keeping his lips there for a moment. “I swear on my life.”

He knew Bucky could take care of himself, he’s seen it in person. If threatened he could definitely take out all comers if need be, but he was still that protective just the same. Because inside, under the tough exterior Bucky was still very vulnerable sometimes. Still building his inner self back up even now. So if Steve still needed to protect psychology he was more than willing to. Always would, until the end of damn time.

Sitting up a little he took the folded down comforter and pulled it over Bucky, up to his shoulder, and he and cat barely moved. Steve then got up, gave the house a check, for Bucky’s piece of mind more than anything. Making sure the security system was on and all the doors and windows were locked. And when he came back upstairs, crawled in behind and wrapped his arm around him from behind, holding him like that.

“I love you.” He whispered, burying his face into Bucky’s brown hair and holding him close. “Don’t you ever forget that jerk.”

He felt Bucky shift slightly against him, almost like he was moving more into his arms. “Mmmhmm.” He murmured in his sleep. “Love you too punk.”

Steve smiled against his neck, nuzzling him a little more and allowed himself to relax too. And vowing to get to the bottom of this as soon as he could. But right now he just held the love of his life in his arms and made him feel as safe as possible.

\--

He felt heavy in sleep, weighed down by it. He always did when he was medicated like this, and to some degree it did confuse his mind a little. Making him question reality to some degree. Even though the arms around him felt safe, they weren’t hurting him, part of him was not a hundred percent sure it wasn’t some kind of trick. A mind game brought on by drugs to mess with his head. To break him.

_No trick.._ Bucky heard the Soldier say in his head. _Safe._

If the Winter Soldier thought they were safe then maybe they were. But sometimes Bucky knew he could be be manipulated easier. The Soldier was eager to please, he’d been created that way. Raised to be a compliant weapon through a false sense of loyalty. Bucky had known better. But still there was something different now and even as addled as his mind was right now, he sensed that difference.

But in that deep dream state, things lurked in shadows, waiting to hurt him if he stepped out of line. It was that looming darkness at the further end of the hallway where they lurked, waiting to come out. He could hear them.

The clack of footsteps_. Soldat.._ a voice would say, slowly getting louder as it got closer. _It’s time to prove yourself.._

Bucky shook in his sleep, wanting to get out of this, but the heaviness wouldn’t let him just yet. He felt slowed down, like he was pawing through wool blankets. It was like nothing worked, he just felt heavy. Starting to whimper softly, and once again felt the arms around him, holding him close, comforting him.

_It’s okay.._ he heard another familiar voice in his ear. _I’m here.._

He continued to push his way through those murky depths. No wanting to feel those hands. The ones that touched him and made him feel terrible and used. The other ones who hurt him when he didn’t comply. That pulled his hair as they made do things, which he did to keep the worse pain away.

The blue light. Which ran like a hot fire through his body as he screamed his throat raw.

He whimpered again, curling up a little more. Feeling something furry and warm in front of him. Something that vibrated in a soothing way. Between that and the arms around him it started to feel more real than the place he was running from, and it caused him to push harder to the surface. To the light at the good end of the hallway which was always his way out. He pulled himself through by sheer force of will.

He tried to open his eyes and blinked, even the low light of nightlight was almost too much right now. Bucky could feel the warmth of the blanket and of the two warm bodies sandwiching him as he kept pulling himself back into a sense of reality again.

But he wasn’t completely out. Because he could still hear them. It sounded like they were in the hall outside his room. _Soldat_ the voice hissed menacingly, and he whined like a frightened animal. He felt terrified that for a moment the monsters had followed him out of the dark and were threatening the light now. And his mind turned to seeing the man in the coffeeshop. That man. And the paranoia hit. Biting him like a poisonous snake.

What if he was real? What if he was in the house? Were they coming to get him again? He felt terrified. His body shook, even as he still felt too heavy to move. And those arms tightened around him again.

“Ssssh.” He heard Steve’s familiar voice say in his ear. “You’re safe.”

He whined softly again, curling up under the covers. Feeling weak and stupid. Like a damn kid. Instead of a grown man capable of taking care of himself. Someone who’d walked through hails of gunfire and smoke. The Soldier who’d fearlessly carried out orders was terrified of the dark again. He hated that after all these years he was back to this again.

“Whatever it is its not real.” Steve whispered in ear. “It can’t hurt you.”

Bucky felt the cat nuzzle her face against his chin, the whiskers tickling his throat, and that along with Steve’s breath on the back on the back of his neck grounded him even more in reality. The terror started to fade away, leaving the rawness behind. The medication was doing its job, holding off the panic, stripping away the barriers used to hold back how much remembering this again hurt. Curling his arm around Arya and backing his body even more into Steve’s arms, letting the pain spill out of him.

He felt Steve’s hand on his head, stroking his hair softly. “It’s okay.” He spoke into his ear. “I got you.”

Bucky felt himself tremble again like he was cold. Because when he was like this he felt the cold strongly. “I’m scared.” He choked out, his eyes squeezed shut. “I’m really scared.”

That hand continued to stork his hair comfortingly. “Tell me what you’re scared of.”

“That I could be losing my mind again.” He admitted. “Because it feels like it.” He opened his eyes and stared at the city lights peeking in through the shades. “But I’m also scared I’m not.”

“Why is that?”

Bucky bit his lip, harder this time. “Because that would mean.. that I really saw him.” He said in a shaky voice. “One of them.”

“Listen to me Buck.” Steve told him, speaking into his hair. “He’s never gonna get anywhere near you ever again I swear.” His arm came around Bucky protectively. “I won’t let him.” Bucky could feel the tensions in Steve as well. “If he anyone else tries they’ll regret it.”

He grateful for those words. Not that he was a man who wanted to rely on anyone to protect him but there was just something about the way he said it, and how protectively his arm went around Bucky’s waist as he did. There was a possessive growl in Steve’s voice that made Bucky feel very safe at that moment.

But he also felt a little fear at that too. That Steve would lose it if he ever found one of them. He’d said as much many times. That if he ever got a shot at any of them they’d be sorry. And Bucky didn’t want that to happen either. Didn’t want Steve to go over that edge like that. Bucky knew from experience how awful the fallout was from giving into that anger and he didn’t want that to happen for Steve.

Steve was his light and he didn’t want him corrupted by vengeance. To go dark like he had all those years ago. So a part of him hoped it was just his mind playing tricks on him again. Even though that alternative didn’t appeal to him either. But he wanted to protect Steve too because he knew the effect this had had on him too.

“I probably just imagined it though.” He said after a minute or two. “I mean I’m not exactly stable you know?”

“Bucky I don’t think you imagined it.” Steve told him, wrapping his arm around his stomach again. “You saw something.”

“Maybe.” He admitted, resigning himself to that possibility. “I just don’t want you to anything stupid okay?” He smiled a little. “At least not on my account.”

Steve chuckled against the back of his neck. “Most of the stupid things I’ve done have been for you jerk.” He told him, nuzzling his hair a little. “Why would this be any different?”

“I mean it punk.” Bucky said adamantly, turning a little. “Just be careful alright?”

He felt Steve’s hand turn his head to him to look in his eyes. “I don’t care about consequences when it comes to you.” He told him with that fire in his eyes. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.”

Bucky could not respond to that because he was kissed fiercely right there, and he couldn’t help but turn into it, laying more on his back. He could feel the fierce love and protectiveness in it and let himself succumb to it, wrapping his hand around the back of Steve’s head and let that wash over him. That anyone was willing to go that far for him. That Steve had and would move heaven and earth and take on anyone, including the God’s themselves if he had to protect him. After everything he’d been, everything he’d done, that Steve still loved him that much, still came as a surprise to him even now.

But he also still felt fuzzy and all messed up inside and it started to spill out of him again. Causing him to pull his lips away and bury his face in Steve’s shoulder. His leg wrapped around Steve’s and he just sort of clung to him. To safety and reality because he felt it slipping again.

_Soldat.._ he heard again and squeezed his eyes shut against it.

“Can we just?” He asked, voice muffled by Steve’s shirt. “Please?”

Steve seemed to know exactly what he meant and just held him like that for a while. Until he was ready to speak again. But he didn’t speak. Just clung to him like he always did with yawning maw of darkness was this close. But not just keep himself out of it.

But to keep it away from Steve as well. It was his own way of protecting him from it too. Blocking it and taking the brunt of it to protect the light of his life. Because to Bucky, Steve was beautiful and pure. Everything he himself wasn’t in his mind. He was the sun, the moon and all the stars that lit up his darkness. So he protected Steve as much Steve protected him. Maybe even more so. More than Steve even realized sometimes.

“Just try to sleep again okay?” He heard Steve whisper into his hair. “I’ll be right here I promise.”

Bucky nodded, closed his eyes and sighed deeply as if breathing him in. And let Steve wrap him up more and lay him down for a ltitle while. Knowing he’d fall asleep again and he’d have to fight his way out all over again. Even though he felt tired, he didn’t want to.

But he did anyways. For a little while at least. As long as his overwrought mind would let him that was.

\--

Bucky had dozed off again, the medicine making him tired and Steve was more than willing to let him sleep. It was good for him, especially when he had bad days and this certainly qualified. Steve himself could not sleep, there was too much on his mind right now. So he sat up, and turned on the ambient, non-distracting light of the Himalayan salt lamp Wanda had gotten them for Christmas. It was a low orange light, which wouldn’t wake Bucky. And in some ways actually helped him sleep. It had good properties like that.

It was also great natural light to draw by and Steve was doing just that now. Sketching while his mind turned a little.

He was sketching Bucky again, because he was his favorite subject. And watching him sleep under that low orange light, curled up with Arya, he was very much inspired. And feeling that intens protectiveness come over him yet again.

He meant what he’d said. If that bastard was in fact real, he wasn’t getting anywhere near Bucky again. If he did, Steve wasn’t sure exactly what would happen, but knew he would hurt him. A lot.

There was all this pent-up anger in him, from the knowledge of all the horrible things that had been done to Bucky. And those were only the things he knew about. He knew there was more he wouldn’t or couldn’t tell him. But he’d watched him suffer through it for so long, seeing how terrified he was when he’d woken up. How vulnerable he looked in those moments when he’d look at him like that. With all that pain in those beautiful blue eyes of his.

And there was the guilt. Lets not forget that.

Steve had gone over it with Bucky and his own therapist ad nauseam, but it hadn’t abated. He’d tried to accept his helplessness in the situation and just couldn’t. He still had nightmares about just missing his hand that day. Of bringing him in the first place. And not even trying to look for him after. It was still killing him, and it came out sometimes. And Bucky sure as hell noticed it.

Like one night when Steve himself had woken up, practically crying from a nightmare. “You gotta stop it with the guilt Steve.” Bucky had said, his hands on Steve’s face. “For the hundred time, there’s nothing you couldn’t done.”

“They why doesn’t it feel that way Buck?” He’d asked, his voice hoarse with emotion. “Why do I feel like maybe I could’ve done more.”

Bucky had given him the softest look possible at that moment. “I worry about you punk.” He’d whispered as he laid his head against Steve’s. “Cause those could’ves and maybes are gonna eat you alive.”

“You got hurt Buck.” He’d told him, despairing in it. “And that hurts me.”

“That is not your damn fault Steve.” Bucky told him adamantly, hands gripping his face. “You hear me? It’s not.”

He remembered grabbing Bucky and pulling him to him. “Maybe.. I don’t know” He’d said, letting the anger seep into his voice. “But if I ever got my hands on any of them..” His fingers gripped Bucky’s arms a little tighter, protectively. “I’d kill them.”

Remembering the worried look in Bucky’s eyes when he’d said that. He hadn’t answered it, just wrapped Steve up in his arms, almost like he was protecting him. And that sort of confused Steve at that moment, that reaction to what he’d said. But he thought maybe he’d understood now, considering his earlier words.

_“Just don’t do anything stupid okay?” _

Steve knew Bucky had been right to worry about him, because he had been angry and still clearly was. And he could feel that inner anger wanting to turn on something, anything to make him feel better about it. And the idea, the hint of an idea that one of those bastards was still alive and close to them, had kindled it in him again. Had made him think of all kinds of ways of hurting that person.

It was a dangerous road he knew, but he knew this man had hurt Bucky. And if he’d seen him…

He gripped the pencil a little tighter for a moment and looked at him, his sleeping face lit up by that warm light. Looking for signs of distress again. But he didn’t see it. Not yet. So he drew him. Every detail down to the hair that lay across his face. The way his lips were slightly parted. And Arya’s little paw pressed his against his chin. He never got tired of this sight. Because in that moment, under that light he looked soft and relaxed. Like he’d never been hurt and broken so badly. This kind of peace was all he wanted for him.

But he didn’t feel entirely safe, or stable right now. There was something looming in shadows again. A nightmare from his past that had caused him pain today. And would keep causing him harm until they got to the bottom of it.

He would bring Bucky to the Medical Center tomorrow and await a call from Sam to confirm that that tape was with him. And then they would go from there and see what it revealed. What the near future was going to look like.

“You know you need to sleep too punk.” He heard Bucky say sleepily, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Steve looked up from his drawing to see Bucky’s eyes half-lidded, as if maybe he wasn’t fully awake. And probably wasn’t. He talked in his sleep sometimes. And didn’t remember it the next day. He may not have been waking up a different person anymore, but he still did that sometimes. Hell sometimes they would even have whole conversations he didn’t remember. Others may have found that strange but for Steve this was part of their normal.

And besides sometimes that sleep talk was just, well, adorable. But he looked like he was really awake. Again. Even medicated he was having a hard time staying asleep it seemed.

“Yeah I know jerk.” He told him, looking down at him lovingly. “I just couldn’t.”

“You don’t have to look after me you know?” Bucky told him, his eyes reflecting that orange light beautifully. “You need to take care of yourself too.”

“I’m trying Buck.”

“Well try harder.” Bucky said adamantly, lifting himself on his elbow. “If you’re not gonna fucking do it for yourself then do it for me.” His eyes showed clear concern, his hand on his arm. “Please.”

He smiled at him and put his sketchbook away for the time being. “Okay.” He agreed and laid down next to him. “But only for you boo bear.”

Bucky rolled his eyes cutely. “Dork.”

Steve smiled and kissed his head. “I love your pet names.” Steve teased. “So adorable.”

“Its not a pet name.” Bucky insisted, his eyes fluttering shut again. “You are a dork.” His lips curved into a smile. “And an idiot.. and a punk.”

“ And you’re my gorgeous, grumpy jerk.” Steve replied, nuzzling his face against Bucky’s.

“Hey I’m not grumpy.” Bucky corrected him. “I’m annoyed.”

Steve grinned, happy to play around a little more. “Don’t forget cute.”

“You’re killing me Rogers.” Bucky grumbled, with a ghost of a smile on his face. “Don’t know why I put up with you sometimes.”

“Because you love me.” Steve told him, smiling and pressing his face against Bucky’s. “That’s why.”

“Unfortunately yes.” Bucky agreed, wrapping his hand around the back of Steve’s head to kiss him. “I do.”

The kiss was soft and sweet, their lips slightly parted. It conveyed every emotion needed at that moment. Steve felt that love and intense protectiveness and pressed his hand into Bucky’s shoulder as they stayed like that for what seemed like a long time. When their lips parted, their faces nuzzled together, eyes closed.

“You need to go back to sleep jerk.” He admonished. “You need your rest.”

“I know.” Bucky sighed, his metal hand resting on Steve’s neck. “But I don’t like what I see when I close my eyes.”

He could see it in his eyes, the nightmare that just kept keeping him awake. His eyes had that bleary, red-rimmed look of someone who was medicated but fighting to stay awake in spite of it. Steve reached up and got a soft handful of his hair, bunching it up in his palm as he looked in his eyes.

“It’s okay to sleep Buck.” He assured him. “Nothing gonna get you here I promise.”

Bucky tilted his head, his lips skimming over Steve’s. “What about in my head?” He asked, his hand getting a grip on Steve’s shirt. “’Can you protect me in there?” He could see his eyes close, his face pinch in fear. “I can feel them reaching for me.. it’s why I can’t let myself sleep.”

“What do you need me to do?” He asked him softly, the grip on his hair tighten. “How can I help?”

Bucky spoked right about against his lips this time. “Don’t let them get me.” He said in a voice that sounded almost desperate. “Please.”

“Never.” He growled softly, puling his lips the rest of the way to his. “I swear.”

This kiss was fiercer, more desperate than the last one, their bodies pressing together. Steve’s other arm wrapped around Bucky’s back, holding him as close as possible, feeling his metal fingers pulling shirt up and scraping the skin underneath. There was hunger, a desperate need in Bucky he could feel it. And could feel that possessiveness in himself, born out of a need to protect him and keep him safe.

But he also knew deep down Bucky wasn’t entirely himself tonight, not possessing his full facilities and no matter how much he wanted to right now, he had to be extremely careful too. So he was. Laying him down softly back on the bed, and reluctantly pulling his lips away to look down at him. At those wanting, yet frightened blue eyes.

“You need to rest.” He said again, stroking his hair gently. “You’re not well.”

Bucky looked up at him, looking a bit a confused and maybe even a little angry. “I’m okay Steve.” He replied adamantly. “I just need..”

“No.” Steve told him firmly, his finger on his lips. “You don’t. You just think you do.”

He could feel Bucky’s hands on his sides, the metal and flesh ones both touching skin where his shirt had pulled away from his shorts. The fingers moving softly with intent to slide under the waistband. To touch him in a way that would lower his resistance. But right now he had to resist, for his sake. Protection wasn’t just about bodily protection he’d come to learn over the years.

“You don’t know what I’m thinking punk.”

Steve shook his head. “Yes I do.” He told him, continuing to stroke his hair. “I know your scared and your f fighting real hard not to sleep but you need to.”

“Well what about you then?” Bucky asked testily. “You need to sleep too and I don’t see you doing it.”

He had to admit, he had him there. He hadn’t gone to sleep yet tonight. How could he tell Bucky to sleep if he wasn’t doing it himself. And he knew why he wasn’t too. It was to keep an eyes on him. To look out for and protect him. And also because of that other thing. That hot anger inside him that was growing with the possibility of getting his hands on one of Bucky’s abusers. There was that too.

“You need it more than I do.” He answered finally. “That’s why.”

“That’s a bullshit reason.” Bucky answered, his fingers digging into Steve’s sides. “Think I can’t smell that?”

Steve shook his head for a moment and then proceeded to pull Bucky’s hands off him and pin them to the bed. “I got my reasons.” He growled to him, leaning over him. “Just like you.”

Bucky looked him in open defiance, his bleary eyes showing a bit of amusement at this. “And what are those punk?”

“Tell me yours first.” Steve challenged him, increasing his grip on Bucky’s wrists. “And I’ll tell you mine.” He looked into his eyes. “Quid pro quo.”

Steve saw a shadow go across Bucky’s face and some of the defiance left. But not all of it. “What do you want to know?”

“Who was he?” He asked, feeling too damn tired to sugarcoat this too much. “That man you saw today?”

He saw fear flit over Bucky’s face, another shadow. The rest of the defiance completely left hm and it was just terror. His whole body tensed but because he was so heavily medicated still it wasn’t turning into a full-blown anxiety attack. But he was shaking that much was clear.

“You mean the man I think I saw?” He said with a stammer in his voice. “I’m pretty sure I imagined him Steve.”

“Now whose bullshitting who?” Steve asked, leaning over but not loosening his grip on his wrists. “You know you saw him.. tis’ why you’re so scared.” He got a soft look in his eyes as he looked closely into Bucky’s. “Just tell me.”

Bucky bit his lips and looked away. “I don’t wanna talk about.” He said in a shaky voice. “I can’t.” His eyes showed bright pain when he turned back to him. “Please don’t make me.”

He could see it was just too damn close right now. To raw. Just under the surface and Bucky was clearly unable to really open up right now. He saw his reddened hand turned up, and the band-aid on his head as well. He needed some time, and the time was not now to push him. The time was now to continue to take care of and protect him until he was again strong enough to do it himself.

And he wondered if a part of Bucky actually thought Steve was going to make him talk. As if the memory had brought back that old feeling of being forced into everything. Told when to talk and when not to. To behave. Steve realized he’d let his frustration get the better of him. And he immediately loosened his grip on Bucky’s arms before letting them go entirely. Instead he put them on his face and cradled it, his look soft.

“I would never force you do anything you didn’t want to.” He told him. “Never.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes shine in the orange light and before he could even react he was being hugged tightly again. His hands gripping the back of Steve’s shirt like a manacle again, face buried in his shoulder. His whole body shook and Steve just pressed his face in Bucky’s hair, nuzzling it softly.

“If you don’t wanna sleep you don’t’ have to.” He whispered to him, stroking that same hair. “And if you don’t wanna talk you don’t have to either.” He rubbed his back with his other hand. “Whatever you want its okay.”

He would sit here and hold him all night if he had to. If that’s what Bucky wanted right now. He was in such a bad way and needed him to jus be that. He wasn’t even sure if Bucky was crying or just hugging him. Didn’t matter. He was hurting and he was going to take of him.

And it just solidified his resolve to get to the bottom of this. To find out who that man was Bucky saw. To find him and maybe, just maybe, extract his pound of flesh for this. None of those people deserved mercy when they’d never shown any to Bucky at all. Had no care for the wreckage they’d left in their wake. If this man was, in fact real, he was going to make him pay. Justice would be served. He held Bucky tighter, more protectively as he thought this.

But that was tomorrow. Tonight was just this right here. It was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, was, as I warned ya'll, heavy on the angst. Its how the story turned in my head. And it has a lot of allusions to my previous fic, namely the events Bucky/The Winter Soldier recalled in Chapter 22 of that fic called 'The Flickering Lights' which was a heavy chapter for me, but one I'm still very proud of too. 
> 
> Some of Bucky's abuse and his triggers were detailed and explored in that fic, and as anyone knows whose survived that kind of trauma, you never really get over it, you just learned to live your life in spite of it. And his memory of those times is still fractured and fluid so he's constantly recalling new things or details he didn't before. Which of course makes recovery hard and long term, but Bucky is one strong fucker in spite of it as you have seen. 
> 
> I didn't want to confirm or deny the existence of the man from Bucky's past as a dramatic point. We will find out whether he was actually there or not fairly soon. But the interesting element in this sort of ambiguity is how Bucky AND Steve both react to it. 
> 
> Bucky on one hand would rather believe he imagined it, because for him that's easier to deal with than the idea that this person could be this close to him again. And for another reason that plays into Steve's reaction as well. 
> 
> As has been pointed out, Steve has anger and guilt related to the suffering Bucky has gone through and a part of him has longed for an opportunity for some vengeance as a result. It would make him more in control of the situation. And this bother Bucky because in his mind, Steve is good, better than him and he's legit worried about this. So I wanted to and will continue to play that out with them both. 
> 
> FYI Brighton Beach is a neighborhood in Brooklyn that has a high Russian population so the likelyhood of Bucky hearing Russian being spoken there is very high. And it would be a good place for a former Hydra agent to hide in plain sight too. If he exists that is, we will see. 
> 
> I do take great pains to make sure Bucky's PTSD and anxiety is as accurate as I can. I hope i'm doing a good job there. I always try to treat these illnesses with the respect they deserve. 
> 
> Anyways, I don't have a working title for the next chapter but it will follow up and we will most likely get an answer to who the man was Bucky saw in the coffee shop and it will impact the story greatly going forward. 
> 
> Once again thank you to anyone who reviewed <3<3 to you I do appreciate you all :)


	10. Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork for this chapter on my Tumblr as always

He woke up screaming for the first time in a long time and sprinted for the bathroom before Steve could even touch him. Throwing up for the second time in 2 days. Not that he had much in his stomach mind you, it was mostly dry heaves, but that wasn’t the point.

The nightmare had been that bad, that terrifying that it had actually woken him this time and he was scared shirtless.

_He’d been in the kitchen, getting some water in the early morning hours. Could feel the cold tiles under his feet, could hear the heat going on. He could taste the water in his dry throat. Smelled the oil infuser going in the kitchen. It all felt real, like any night really._

_Bucky had been halfway through his glass of water when he heard footsteps. His hackles had immediately gone up, because it wasn’t Steve’s, he was sure of it. He knew the sound of Steve’s footsteps, the exact gate. He’d memorized them. Just like everything else about Steve. He put the glass down, feeling it swish inside the cup, and saw movement in the hallway. A shadow. _

_And then heard that voice, another one he could never forget. “Soldat..” _

_His hand reached for the knife rack on the counter, knowing by memory which one was which. He was always prepared in that way too. It had been unconscious preparation for this exact scenario. Know where the weapons were at all times. Be on the ready. On alert. The hackles went up in his back and he turned, just as he heard that man stepped closer. He was all Winter Soldier. Ready to swing the minute he was touched. _

_There was a snap of the fingers and a hand fell on his shoulder and that was all it took for him to whirl around drive the knife into the chest of this person who’d invaded him home. His safe place. He could feel the blood spilling over his hand but when he saw the face the person he’d just stabbed, that’s when the scream had risen in him, horror. He couldn’t stop it. _

_“Bucky?” Steve choked out through the blood in his mouth. “Why…” _

_He heard a laugh from behind him. That man was here, was laughing in that terrible way he’d always done. “Very good Soldier.” He’d said in a voice just dripping with evil. “Well done.” _

_And looking down at his kill that’s when he’d started screaming. Seeing the blood all over their kitchen floor.._

Now he had his head in the toilet, unable to stop reaching and sobbing. It was still there in his head. The horror of seeing himself killing Steve and unable to stop it. Of that satisfied laugh as he screamed. It was all he could see and smell. That smell of blood that he was much too familiar with.

When he felt the hand on his back, he cried out again and scuttled against the wall, backing as much into it as he could. His blurred vision showed him Steve’s familiar face, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be touched just yet. The vision in his mind was still so clear, so terrifyingly real he didn’t trust himself.

“Bucky?” Steve said in a soft voice, on his own knees now. “It’s okay it as just a dream.”

He shirked away when Steve tried to touch him again. “No.. don’t..” He stammered, batting that same back. “I killed you..” His legs kicked a little as if he could possibly back anymore into the wall. “I killed you.”

Steve took his flesh hand, despite Bucky’s protests and put it on his chest. “No you didn’t.” He assured him. “I’m hear I’m alive.” His other hand brushed his hair soothingly. “See? It was just a dream.”

He could feel Steve’s heart beating through his shirt, confirming this statement. In spite of it, he was still shaking violently. Could hear his metal fingers clanking on the tile floor as a result of this. Couldn’t even imagine how he looked right now, his eyes felt like they were really wide and dilated because everything was bright. His own heart was hammering in his chest again, dangerously he was vaguely aware of. He concentrated on Steve’s heartbeat, whole and strong, letting it ground him again.

And he felt a little paw on his leg and saw Arya’s bright green eyes staring up at him with concern.

“You’re safe.” Steve told him, that hand still stroking his hair in that comforting way. “It’s okay.”

Whatever composure he had, which wasn’t much, just cracked again and he crawled into Steve’s arms and buried his face in his shoulder, whimpering softly as some tears squeezed out of his eyes. He could feel Steve’s hand on the back of his head, the other one on his back, and the soft fur of the cat as she rubbed against his side as they sat there like that.

“I’m sorry.” He whimpered into Steve’s shoulder, his hands clutching his back. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” Steve asked in his ear. “What did you do this time jerk?”

Bucky nuzzled his face a little more into Steve’s shoulder. “I’m all broken again.” He told him. “That’s why.”

“No you’re not.” Steve replied, his hand rubbing Bucky’s back. “You’re just having a bad time that’s all. And that’s okay.”

“You deserve better than this punk.” Bucky told him, pulling his head back to lean it against Steve’s tiredly. “That’s all I’m saying.”

Steve put both his hands on Bucky’s face and looked in his eyes. “Don’t you tell me what I deserve you hear me?” He admonished. “You’re all I want and have ever wanted.”

“You really are a glutton for punishment Rogers.” Bucky told and chuckled a little. “Cause you married the biggest damn train wreck in the 5 Burroughs.” He leaned into him a little more. “Hell the world if I’m being accurate.”

“And the most gorgeous one too.” Steve corrected him, kissing him softly. ‘Don’t forget that.”

“Yeah yeah.” Bucky groaned, feeling sleepy again and still somewhat fighting it. “Whatever you say punk.”

Steve’s lips brushed his head, the warmth of them causing him to shiver slightly. “I want you to get a little more sleep before I take you the Medical Center you got that?” Steve told him, helping him up. “You’re exhausted.”

Bucky shook his head stubbornly. “I can’t sleep.”

“Yeah you can jerk.” Steve told him, getting his arm around. “If you stop fighting it so hard.”

“I’m not fighting it.” He protested, arguing for arguing sake. “I just can’t.”

“Sure you can’t.” Steve replied, lifting him up on his hip like a child. “Come on.”

He was exhausted to be honest. The drugs and lack of consistent sleep taking its toll. When Steve put him on the bed he was practically already asleep. He felt Steve pull the blanket over him and then just lay behind him, wrapping his arms around him from behind. Before he fell asleep, he willed himself to not have another dream, another meltdown, but trembled slightly at the lack of control he had over that. Knowing all he could do was ride out his mind’s idiosyncrasies. And right before he went to sleep again, he felt Steve’s arms tighten around him and Arya snuggle up to next to him again.

“It’s gonna be okay Bucky.” Steve whispered in his ear. “I promise.”

Bucky knew couldn’t guarantee it but at that moment, he allowed himself to believe it for now. And fell asleep for a few more hours.

\--

Steve got the phone call while in the hospital room with Bucky. And felt that mixed sense of dread and hope at the same time.

Pam had Bucky hooked up to all kinds of things, and while he wasn’t thrilled about it, he seemed too distracted to put up any kind of protest. In fact, he looked rather out of it to be honest. A mixture of tired, fearful and, the most worrisome to Steve, a little confused. He’d been that way since he’d woken up from the short nap he’d taken early in the morning. After the horrific nightmare that sent him careening into the bathroom for the second day in a row.

“Your heart-rate is still up.” Pam said as she looked at his vitals. “And according to the sensors the brain activity is erratic too.” She put her hand on his head to feel. “And you’re a bit warm, so as you can understand with your history, we are a little concerned.”

Bucky kind of looked at her with a slightly dazed expression as if he was trying to comprehend what she was saying and that really worried Steve. “He had a lot of trouble sleeping, even with the sedative.” He explained to her. “And he had a really bad nightmare. One of the worse I’ve seen.”

“Are you narcing on me punk?” Bucky asked with a hint of sarcasm. “Not cool.”

Pam smiled, although the worry was still in her eyes. “Well the sensors will tell us more about what’s going on.” She told them, checking his pulse again. “I might have an MRI done again in a few days just to check.”

The fact that Bucky didn’t even looked troubled by that was concerning and he could see Pam was concerned too. He was just about to ask her another question when his phone went off. He looked at it and saw it was Sam and his heart skipped a beat. For the wrong reasons.

“Just a minute.” He told them and stepped away to answer it, not wanting to be in earshot of either of them. “What’s up Sam?”

Sam got right down to it. “We got the tape and brought it over to the compound.” He explained to Steve. “Stark was able to enhance and enlarge it.” He seemed to pause for a second. “You’re gonna wanna see this.”

Steve looked over at Bucky who was still being looked over by Pam and felt a sinking in his gut. Not just because of the news, but because he’d had to leave him here for a little bit. But knew he was in good hands.

“I’ll be over in a little bit.” He told him. “I’m at the hospital with Bucky.”

“How’s he doing?”

“Not great.” He admitted. “I’ll tell you when I get there.”

After hanging up with Sam, he saw Pam come over to talk to him. She still wore that look of concern on her face. “I had to give him a heavier sedative because his body keeps fighting it.” She explained. “I want to keep him hear for a little bit to monitor him because he’s clearly not right and I’m concerned he might have a seizure considering the way his heart-rate is still up.”

Steve’s heart sank a little. “Will he have to stay overnight?”

“No.” She reassured him. “I think being home is less stressful for his mental state. This is just observation.” She looked back at him for a moment. “I called Amelia she’s going to come by to talk to him a little later because I think he needs it.”

“That’s probably a good idea.” He replied, watching Bucky starting to doze off a little. “Thank you.” He looked at his phone for a moment. “I have to go somewhere for a little bit unfortunately, I had to ask you to look after him..”

“It’s not a problem.” She told him, her hand on his arm. “And I promise no one will bother him during that time. Nobody gets in here unless they are authorized.”

Steve nodded his thanks yet again and went over to Bucky, who looked really drowsy now. He brushed some hair back from his face and kissed him softly. “I gotta go for a little bit.” He told him, looking into his bleary eyes. “I’ll back soon I promise.” He smiled at Bucky’s curious look. “Pam’s gonna look after you for a bit until then.”

Bucky got a concerned look. “What about Arya?”

“Don’t worry I already called Wanda okay?”

Bucky smiled. “My hero.”

He left his hands on his face for a moment, just staring at him. Sensors on his head, and IV line once again in his arm. Looking vulnerable. Fragile. Even though he was far from it in many ways. He hated to leave him here but knew he’d be well guarded. Knew Pam would let nothing near Bucky that would upset right now.

“I love you jerk.” He whispered to him. “I’ll be back soon I promise.”

“I know you will punk.” Bucky replied, barely able to keep his eyes open. “You can’t stay away from me.” As Steve chuckled and pulled back as Bucky grabbed his shirt. “And I love you too…”

As he was driving to the compound later, he tried to not worry. To not think of that terrible confusion on Bucky’s face that morning in the bathroom. The terror on his face from his nightmare. Just the wreck he’d been over the last 24 hours and he wanted nothing more than to fix it for him. To go back to where they had been not long before that. When it seemed like everything was well. Remembering Christmas and New Year’s. Hell remembering their anniversary earlier that fall. A part of him dreaded that they may never be able to go back to that if things turned out the way he feared it would.

Just like things could never go to the way they were before Hydra and the war had messed it all up.

“We change. We evolve.” His therapist had told him once. “Your relationship is no different. The ones that last are the ones that can adapt to those changes in each other.”

Steve knew that, understood it. They had done just that. They’d adapted to all the changes, but it didn’t stop the fear that Bucky’s illness would continue to wreck havoc with both of them. And if this man truly existed, someone who had hurt him, it changed everything.

He had been so lost in thought he didn’t even remember getting to the compound, had just drove on auto-pilot most of the way. He was greeted at the door by Sam, whose face looked unreadable at that moment. They went upstairs to where Tony had apparently been waiting, with the enhanced video image on a holographic screen.

There had been someone there in the coffee shop. Bucky had not imagined it.

The screen clearly showed someone in both Bucky and Wanda’s line of sight at the moment. And Steve could see on the frame, the sheer terror in Bucky’s eyes upon seeing him. The enhanced image was being zeroed on the mystery man’s face and Steve studied, feeling his blood run both hot and cold.

“Son of a bitch.” He said out loud. “Do we know who he is?”

“Friday’s running facial recognition and scanning all known Hydra files for a possible match. “ Tony said with a hint of his usual sarcasm. “We’ll see if there’s a hit.”

“There will be.” Steve told him matter of factly. “No way he confused him with anyone else.”

“Seeing this..” Sam said with a certainty of his own. “I think your right.”

Just then there was a ping. A match was made. Friday stating what Steve was already sure of, just confirming it. A side by side picture of a cruel looking man and the man in the coffee shop gave no doubt to it all. Bucky had not imagined him at all, and this raised a whole new set of problems.

“Mikeal Kovalev, a high-ranking Hydra operative directly involved in the Winter Soldier project.” Tony read from behind while Steve studied the picture. “He was a trainer isn’t that nice? He looks good for being nearly 100.” Tony paused for a moment as if thinking about this. “Should find out his health regimen.”

“Why are you surprised?” Sam asked from behind. “I mean.. “

He was referencing him and Bucky Steve knew but he was barely paying attention. Was too busy studying the pictures. Committing the face to memory. The name too. Bucky had never been able to put names to all the faces that had come and gone around him, inflicting pain in a variety of horrible ways.

“They all blur together after a while.” Bucky had said once, on the rare occasions when he’d talk about any of it. “I can’t tell them apart.. or the days.. months, years..” He’d given a shrug, his eyes getting that familiar stare in them. “It’s just one big shitty blur.”

Steve thought of that, and all the other things he’d said, or only hinted at, as he studied the pictures on the holograph in front of him. Swiping through pictures of this particular asshole among several others. Steve was wondering if any others had worn a pair of boots. Like the ones Bucky had described in detail. Wondering if that man’s name and picture were in here too. And a part of him wondered what the hell the point was of knowing this. What good would it do other than put faces and names on some more of Bucky’s monsters. Adding to a list that included Zola, Pierce and Zemo.

Maybe he was just torturing himself a little, because he had little intention of showing any of these pictures to Bucky. He didn’t need that. In fact, he wasn’t sure just how much he was going to tell him about it at all.

“We’ll do a thorough check and see if we can locate this prick.” Tony said, pulling Steve out of his thoughts. “And we can go get him and Barnes can make the ID.” He saw the look on Steve’s face at that. “Although part of me isn’t sure he’d make it that far Rogers.”

Steve turned, his hands gripping the chair “Why would you assume that Tony?”

“Because if it was me, I know he wouldn’t.” Tony answered without a trace of sarcasm. “And as I recall when it comes to Barnes you don’t exactly have a record of being rational.”

Steve didn’t really have an argument because Tony was right. If Steve got his hands on this guy there might not be much of him left. He knew it in his heart. Someone needed to pay for this, and this man would if he got close to him.

As Tony was saving the information and programming the system to look for traces of Kovalev, Sam approached Steve who just needed a moment to just look at the window and calm himself a bit. He stood next to Steve and stared out with him for a moment before speaking.

“You gonna tell him?”

Steve took a deep breath and leaned on the railing. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “It’s not exactly a good time for him you know?”

“No time is a good time for this kind of news.” Sam replied. “You can’t keep it from him. Hiding this isn’t gonna do any good for either of you.”

“I know.” Steve answered with another heavy sigh. “I don’t know what do right now. “ He stared back out the window at the lawn and past it. “There’s no good choice.”

He stood there for a long time, trying to sort it out before he had to go back to the hospital and face him. Before he could make a decision that either way could be altering. Sam was right, Bucky had to know the truth sooner or later. The question was how soon.

It was a dilemma he would fight with for a while.

\--

Bucky hadn’t felt this low in a long time. Mentally and physically. He hated being there, in this vulnerable position and it was clear to anyone that saw him. Especially Amelia, who came in to see him for a one on one in the hospital room.

“Sorry.” He told her, adjusting himself and smoothing his hair away from his face. “I’m a bit of a mess.”

“That’s understandable considering the situation.” She answered, helping him adjust the bed so he could sit up more. “No need to apologize.”

“I hate being here.” He confessed, fiddling a little with his IV line. “I feel so…”

“Scared? Vulnerable? Angry?” She finished for him, with an understanding look. “Because all those feelings are okay.”

He bit his lip and looked down, hating that he was that transparent right now. That people could see right into him and recognize the hostility and agitation for they were. Masks for all those feeling he had whenever he was in a situation like that. With sensors on his head and a IV line sticking out of his arm, giving him fluids and sedatives to keep him calm and rational. Under control. And there was always going to be a part of him that fought against that a little, even though he knew it was for his own good.

“Yeah I know.” He answered, still looking at his hands. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Maybe we should talk about what happened?” She suggested. “If you’re ready to that is.”

Bucky sighed and ran his metal hand through his hair. “That’s the problem.. I’m not sure what happened.” He told her, still keeping his eyes averted for the moment, turning his wedding ring around on his finger. “I’m not sure if what I saw was real or if just imagined it. But either way..” He finally looked up at her, biting his lip again. “I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“That if imagined it.. I’m losing my mind again.” He admitted, trying to hold her gaze. “But if I didn’t that means there’s one of them out there.. only miles from where I live, and I don’t know if I can deal with either one of those situations.”

“Which one do think is the case.?” She asked and then added. “Or should I say which one would you rather believe?”

Bucky felt himself holding back emotion as he spoke. “That I’m crazy.” He confessed, fighting back the sting in his eyes. “How fucked up is that?”

Amelia just gave him a soft look. “Why would you rather be crazy?”

He had a hard trying to find the words to answer that because it sounded nuts in of itself. A normal person would want sanity rather than the potential to be losing your mind. But he wasn’t exactly normal. He had more of a fear the repercussions of that man actually being alive than the alternative because so many more things could go wrong in the latter case. He could handle the insanity, he’d been there before. The other thing though.

The devil you knew was better than the one you didn’t.

“Because I know how to deal with that.” He told her honestly. “But if he was real.. I don’t know what I’ll do.” And then looked down at his hands again. “And I don’t know what Steve will do.. or maybe I do and that’s the problem.”

“You’re worried about Steve?”

Bucky gave her a sad smile. “I’m always worried about Steve.” He said in quiet voice. “He’s everything to me.. I don’t want him to get hurt anymore than he already has by this.”

She seemed to understand what he meant by that. “You’re worried he’d go after him aren’t you?”

“Yeah I am.” He admitted, his eyes feeling even more stingy than usual, god he hated this shit. “He’s angry about it, probably even more than I am and I worry about that.”

She nodded at him and pulled her chair forward so she could sit closer to the cot. “You can’t do anything about how Steve is going to react.” She told him, putting her hand on his right one. A calming touch. “I’m here to talk about how you feel, and you can’t bottle that up because you’re worried about Steve.”

He nodded, once again always alarmed by how much she could see and understand about him. He’d been her patient for over 2 years and she was probably the one person besides Steve who knew him the best. She’d heard some of the worst things that had happened to him and what he’d done had given him only understanding, never pity. Had helped him put himself back together a little a time and he trusted her immensely.

“Okay.” He agreed, trying to put that aside for the moment.

“So lets talk about who that man was that you saw.” She asked in a soft voice. “Whether he was real or not, it doesn’t matter. You need to talk about it.”

Bucky nodded again and started to talk a little. “He was in the room with the other one.” He told her. “He was one of the ones that hurt me…” He swallowed hard. “Really hurt me.”

“Alright.” She replied. “We’ll start there.”

She started a cognitive interview, which was kind of a lesser form of hypnosis but not quite. He had to close his eyes and shut off the external stimulus around him, focusing on the memory instead of his surroundings. It usually worked., sometimes a little too well. But while in the hospital it was important to shut the rest out. And even though he hated being here, it was still safer than that room in his head ever was. It was still hard to push open that door and face that hell but he managed to do it.

Even though he was usually in tears by the end of it, it felt better to relieve some of that pressure inside. If only for a little while.

He always wanted Steve in those moments, but this was not a place for him to be. Bucky always wanted to keep Steve as far away from this place as much as possible. Never wanted him to know all the horrific details of what went on there. It was bad enough he knew what he knew, if he knew the rest, and this man was real, Bucky feared what would happen.

“Remember you’re not really there.” Amelia told him like she did every time. “Nothing can hurt you and you can leave at any time.”

It always felt real though. The concrete under his feet. Under his sometimes bare knees. The warm blood that ran down his face along with the sweat and the grime. The burn of the electricity on his skin. And the feel of their hands. It made him feel filthy in a way took a long time to go away.

The way that his arms were often restrained. How his eyes were held open for maximum input. The gag in his mouth. His screams of pain when he didn’t have the gag in. Horrible tastes in his mouth that made him want to vomit. All of it. Under a steadily flickering light.

Bucky wrapped his arms around himself protectively, he wasn’t even consciously aware he was doing it either. It wasn’t it cold in the room. But it was cold where his mind was right now.

“I don’t wanna be here.” He whispered, his eyes still closed. “I’m not safe.”

“In the hospital or in your head?”

He swallowed hard, finding himself desperately wanting more drugs to dull his senses. “Both.”

“Okay then.” She answered. “Tell me where you are in your in your head right now?”

“I’m in the room.” He told her, metal fingers starting scratch just about the IV line unconsciously. “With them.”

“The man you saw yesterday is he one of them?”

He bit his lip hard. “You mean the one I think I saw?”

“It doesn’t matter whether he was real or you imagined him. Not right now.” She reminded him. “Was he one of the ones in the room?”

He saw the boots of the other man, his chief tormenter, whose face had forever remained hidden from his view. Even in his nightmares and visions he’d never clearly seen it. He scanned the room as if he was actually in it to find the other. Just like she’d taught him in cognitive interviews before. You put yourself back into the situation and focus on details you didn’t notice while enduring the trauma. It was painful and exhausting, and usually left him in a bad way when he was done. But he’d gotten better with it too. Even if the short-term it didn’t seem that way. And he found him, the one he’d thought he saw at the coffee shop. And how could he miss him really?

He was the one touching him right now and it made his skin crawl.

“Yeah.” He pushed out, metal fingers digging under the tape holding the line to his arm. “He’s in there too.”

“Okay.” Amelia answered, her voice sounding far away. “Tell me about him. Tell me what he did.”

She already knew about the other one, the faceless one. Who used not only conventional means of torture but much more insidious ones as well. The psycho-sexual torture that helped with obedience on top of everything else. The other man did his share too, but Bucky had only recently come to remember that and it was still fresh for him. Now that his mind had been whole for over a year, new doors were opening all the time, peeling back the layers of decades of trauma.

“He didn’t hurt me like… the other one did..” He said out loud. “Not exactly.”

“But he did hurt you.”

“They all hurt me.” He snapped a little. “You know that, Steve knows that I wish people would stop fucking reminding how screwed up I am.” He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath, feeling bad about the tone in his voice. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She said to him, not the least bit put out by his outburst. “You’re very raw right now it’s okay to be a little angry. You’re allowed.”

“I know it’s just.. 24 hours ago I was fine.. having a great day and then..” He paused and looked at his hand with the IV line sticking out of it. “And now I’m here and it feels like I’m losing my damn mind all over again.”

“Why do you think you’re losing your mind?”

“Because what I saw couldn’t be real.” He blurted out, holding his head in his hands. “He’s supposed to be dead..” He lifted his head, furrowing his brow in confusion. “I remember killing him.. at least I think I do.”

“But you’re not sure now are you?”

“No.” He admitted. “And it’s what’s fucking me all up.”

Bucky didn’t add at the moment that that death occurred over 5 decades ago too. And that that man didn’t look much older than the last time he’d seen him too. There were logical explanations for that he knew, considering he and Steve were over a century old but the doubtful part of his mind refused to accept the reality of the possibility that that man was real and preferred to believe he was hallucinating. Because lord knows it wasn’t the first time now was it?

“Our memories are not like recordings. They’re very fluid.” She reminded him. “And considering how much they messed around with your head physically, mentally, psychologically it’s understandable that the details might get confused. It’s why this a long-term process.”

Bucky nodded, smoothing his hair back again. “My heads a mess.” He said with a heavy sigh. “I just can’t right now.”

“You’ve done enough today.” She told him, leaning over to put her hand on his. “I want you to get some rest for now. “ She smiled softly at him. “We’re not going to solve it one day.”

Once she was gone, he’d laid back on the bed, his hands on his face, feeling exhausted. He was due for medication again he knew, he was getting it every couple of hours and he was actually looking forward to it this time. Sometimes he didn’t care for the fuzziness and heavy feeling he got but right now he badly wanted it. He didn’t want to think about that man anymore. Not right now.

_Soldat…_ he heard the voice whisper in his head. _It’s time.._

Bucky felt his hand start to shake and wondered where the hell the nurse was. He kept seeing the man in the coffee shop snap his fingers at him and had remembered the urge to drop to his knees again. It had been a new detail that he’d recovered that had frightened him a bit. He’d felt strange quivers at snapping fingers before, but it was never as bad as the other stuff that triggered him and then bam, here it was, the memory of that. Bringing along that filthy feeling of being touched and the feel of the other man, the one in the boots, pulling his hair violently.

Finally the nurse was there, a nice enough woman that Pam said with okay and he allowed her to check his vitals and give him the very strong sedative through the IV. He wondered if she could see his fingers shaking or the way he bit his lip as he stared at the wall, trying to push away the memories again.

It didn’t take long to work as it went right into the bloodstream and he let the heaviness take over. Allowing himself to sleep until Steve came back from wherever he’d gone. Which at the time he was too addled to think about too much.

The sleep was rather deep and dark, and he didn’t have any dreams he remembered at least.

\--

When Steve had come back, Bucky was fast asleep, still looking pale but at least resting. It gave him time to sit at the side of the bed and watch him. He took his hand and held it with one of his, resting the other under his chin and did an internal debate with himself about what he’d learned earlier. And how much was going to tell Bucky about it today.

He had run into Pam in the hallway who’d told him that Bucky was doing well, and she had him on a heavy sedative for now. But that he needed to stay calm, keep that heartrate down for a few days and very much needed to rest.

“Does he have to stay here?” He’d asked her, feeling a bit worried about this.

“No I actually him being home at night is the best place for him.” Pam told him. “He feels safe there, much more than he does here and that will keep his stress level down while we check the data from the sensors, which he’ll keep on for a few days.”

“Is there anything to be concerned about?” He asked. “Other than the obvious.”

“There has been some erratic brain activity today.” She told him, pulling him aside just outside of Bucky’s room. “We need to keep that stress level down because we are concerned about a possible reoccurrence of the seizures if it gets too high, which is why I’m also sending you home with some heavier sedatives as well. He needs his rest, that’s very important.”

Steve nodded, thinking of the information he’d gotten and had even more doubts about mentioning it to Bucky just yet. He didn’t know how that knowledge would affect him. But at the same he hated keeping it from him too. It was a difficult decision that wasn’t getting any easier by the minute.

“Okay.” He said to her, keeping the dilemma to himself. “Was Amelia here today?”

“She was.” Pam confirmed. “She is concerned about his mental state as well, and that’s all I can really say.” She looked in the window and saw Bucky sleeping. “We’ll let him rest a little longer and I’ll work on discharging him as soon as possible so you can get him home.”

He’d thanked her and gone inside, and now here he was, no closer to an answer to his dilemma than he’d been on his way in. He kept seeing the picture of that asshole Kovalev on the screen at the compound. Had memorized the face as someone who’d hurt Bucky. One of many. Thought about what he might do to him if he found him. That was clouding his decision too. That face on the screen. One of many that put Bucky in this terrible condition over and over again.

When it came to hurting the people he loved, Steve Rogers was not a very forgiving person. And he loved Bucky more than anything.

“Take a picture punk it’ll last longer.”

Steve smiled, seeing Bucky’s eyes open, looking fuzzy and heavily medicated but there was that hint of sass in them as well. He took his hand out from under his chin softly brushed some of that beautiful brown hair away from his face.

“I got plenty of pictures of you jerk.” He teased back, leaning over to kiss his head. “But staring at you is even better.”

“Well I kinda look like shit right now so..”

“Nonsense.” Steve told him, staring down into his eyes. “You look gorgeous as always.”

Bucky rolled his eyes sarcastically. “You’re just biased.”

“I sure am.” He said to him. “You ready to go home?”

“Hell yeah.” Bucky answered with a bit of emphasis. “Had enough of this place today.”

It wasn’t long before they were in to take out his IV and tape up the arm. Even though he had a prescription they kept the port in because he was due back in a day or so. They simply wrapped it up tight so it wouldn’t get dislodged during that time. And gave him the small sensors to wear for monitoring his brain function during that time as well. Once they were done, Bucky looking mildly annoyed at this, and only mildly because he was drugged, was discharged and given his clothes. Which Steve helped him get into which provided some and cute moments for them both. Not that he was sure Bucky would remember them considering how medicated he was but cute nonetheless.

“Hmm.” Bucky mused as Steve got his jeans on him. “Interesting.”

Steve looked up at him curiously. “What?”

“I think this the first time in a long time you’ve put my pants on.” Bucky told him, grinning in a goofy, drug-induced way. “Usually you’re taking them off.”

Steve chuckled and stood up so he was kind between Bucky’s swinging legs and grinned at him himself. “Well I do admit to enjoying the latter a bit more than the former.” He told him, one hand on Bucky’s face as he grabbed his shirt. “It’s a lot more fun.”

“I’ll bet it is punk.” Bucky teased, looking up at him with mirth. “Like unwrapping a Christmas present.”

He looked so delectably hot just sitting there like that with his shirt off, just his jeans and dog tags on. With that glassy, not all there look mixed with a playfulness Steve had to be very careful of right now. He wasn’t quite in control of himself just yet. So he eliminated any temptation and pulled the hooded shirt over his head and got him dressed the rest of the way.

“It is exactly like that.” He admitted though, putting his hands on Bucky’s face. “I never get tired of unwrapping that present.”

Bucky smiled again. “I’m the gift that keeps on giving I guess.” He said with hooded eyes. “Maybe you can do it again later.”

“That depends jerk.”

He looked a little confused. “On what?”

“How you’re doing later.” Steve told him, kissing his head again. “You got that.”

“Aye aye Captain.” Bucky said, even saluting a little.

Steve smiled and pulled him to his feet. “You’re so cute when you’re stoned.”

Bucky giggled in the cutest way possible and leaned his head against Steve’s. “Like when we were kids and found that stuff in the alley and smoked it?” He recalled, holding onto Steve’s shirt for balance. “That was fun punk…”

Steve remembered that, and how much trouble they got in with his mother when they got home. She scolded them both but didn’t tell Bucky’s parents about it, sparing him a hiding from his father. She just gave them a lecture on the dangers of doing it and scared the shit out of them. Thinking of his mother made him somewhat melancholy for a moment, trying think of what advice Sarah Rogers would’ve given her son about the dilemma he had today. He looked at Bucky, who was unsteady and leaning against him and just pulled him to him for now, cradling his head with his hand.

“Yeah it was.” He agreed, nuzzling his face into Bucky’s hair. “We were such idiots.”

He just wanted to hold him for a minute, while he was in this mood. Steve knew it was the drugs doing it, keeping the fear and worry away temporarily, he was happy for the reprieve. To hear him giggle and flirt a little like he did when he was good. Because watching him in pain always hurt him. And knowing the news he had could hurt him even more was causing Steve turmoil. Which he felt all the way home.

“You okay?” Bucky asked in the car, turning his head against the seat later.

“Yeah why wouldn’t I be?”

“You got that look on your face that’s all.” Bucky observed. “That one that says you’re thinking hard.” He grinned a little. “Besides I can see the smoke coming out of your ears.”

“Hilarious.” Steve said, shaking his head.

Bucky smiled, his foot up on the dash. “I thought so.” He said and then looked at Steve seriously. “Really though you alright?”

“I’m okay I just got a lot on my mind that’s all.”

Steve parked the car in the garage and turned to Bucky, who was just staring at him with his own familiar look. Before he could say anything else Bucky slid over to him and put his hands on his face and kissed him right there in the car.

“I know you’re worried about me again.” He whispered against Steve’s lips. “I’m sorry about that.”

Well he had that at least halfway right Steve thought to himself. But hearing him apologize for things that he wasn’t blame for still always rubbed him the wrong way.

“Don’t you be sorry.” Steve told him, wrapping his hand around his neck gently. “None of this is your fault.”

Bucky bit his lips and laid his head against Steve’s. “I just.. I put you through so much and I hate it.”

“You’re worth it to me Buck.” Steve told him. “You always have been.”

He wrapped him back up in his arms again, wanting to freeze that moment for a while. They stayed like that for a few minutes. And it started to get a little cold in there. So it was time to go inside finally.

Once they got in they were greeted by a little furball practically jumping into Bucky’s arms and a very concerned Wanda who hugged him as well. Steve loved the look of surprise and mock irritation about being attacked like this. By his two favorite girls.

“You keep worrying me like this, I’m gonna need to go to the hospital.” She’d admonished, her hands on Bucky’s face. “So cut it out.”

Bucky smirked, still looking a bit unsteady. “Just keep you on your toes kid.”

She’d stayed for lunch and while Bucky was resting with Arya on the couch for a few minutes, Wanda pulled Steve aside to ask about the tape. She had come over to watch Arya and hadn’t been able to stay. And Steve filled her in without too much detail.

“So he didn’t imagine it.” Wanda said, a little bitterness in her voice. “That man was that close.” She got an angry glow in her eyes. “If I’d known then he’d never have gotten away.”

“You and me both” Steve told her, looking over at Bucky on the couch. “We’re gonna find him.”

Wanda leaned over to speak quietly. “I want in on that.” Then she looked over at Bucky too, who was oblivious to their conversation. “Are you gonna tell him?”

“Not right now.” Steve answered, coming to at least that decision. “I wanna give him a day to relax.”

“You two talking about me over there?” Bucky called out, finally noticing them. “That’s not nice.”

They laughed at that and went over to join him for a while. Just relaxing and doing their best to be as normal as possible under the circumstances.

\--

Wanda had stayed for a little while, but once she was gone, Bucky needed some time alone.

When he needed to decompress, which he did today upon coming home, the best place in the house for him to do that was the art studio. If he’d gone to the weight room, he’d likely destroy another bag and the wall as well. Or worss, work himself too hard and collapse, worrying Steve further. So he decided to relax in the art room instead. Telling Steve he needed just a little time alone, which he was given.

There was a salt lamp in there too and he turned it on, letting the soft orange glow and the salty smell fill the room. He breathed it in, looking at the room, at his paintings on the wall, the ones Steve insisted on putting up whenever he done with them. No matter whether they were bright and cheery, or dark and a little scary.

“They all come from you Buck.” Steve had said to him once, propping a picture of the dark hallway on the wall. “They are all beautiful to me.” He adjusted the picture. “It’s all part of you getting better.”

Bucky had grumbled at the time but understood the point he was making. The room was really about recovery in many ways. From the huge windowsill that he and Steve had sat in and talked, or just fooled around on, to the silly stuffed animals Steve kept collecting on their various excursions. Penguins, sea lions, that silly bear from Rockawy. And many others. There were also pictures from those place there, Steve had put together a collage of their happy times that was next to the stuffed animal shelf, and Bucky just smiled looking at it. Remembering the times when his mind actually felt him enjoy himself.

Like the selfie of him and Steve in front of the Coney Island Cyclone. He smiled at that.

“If you’re feeling bad I want you to look at these so you can remember you’ve been happy too.” Steve had told him when he gave that to him on his birthday last year. “The bad days have nothing on these.”

Pictures from their wedding were there. Vacation pictures and just random ones Steve had taken of him and Arya. Or him with Wanda or Sam. Bucky had been blown away by it and had kissed him for something like an hour after.

There couch in the corner where he’d had some therapy, some conversations with Wanda. Where the cat was currently purring away, dreaming of whatever cats dream about. Adorned with a lovely quilt blanket that been a gift from a VA wife who had thanked him for helping her husband out. Things like that.

Bucky looked at all this, knowing that this was his favorite room in the house. He felt safest and the most himself in it. But even now he had this fear inside that he’d lose this security. All he had to was look at his arm to remind him that he was on a hospital jag this week. The bandage over the port making this starkly clear.

Going to the window, which faced the street, he looked at what looked like a light snow shower coating the street. And thought he saw a figure staring at the house from down the street. He swallowed, feeling his stomach drop and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, the shadowy figure wasn’t there anymore.

He was staring to question his minds ability to tell reality from illusion now. And the fact that he was medicated was not helping.

Taking a deep cleansing breath Bucky sat down in front of his easel, with a blank canvas on it now. Needing to get these strange conflicting feelings out of him. So he opened up the paint palette and just started mixing colors and then applying them to the canvas with no real rhythm to it. Just swirling colors.

Purple was the color of his confusion these days. He used a lot of that.

He immersed himself in it, trying to block out the strange illusion he’d just had from the window. And the memories of the therapy session. And of course, the man in the coffee shop. The one who could not possibly be real.

It also distracted him from scratching his bandaged arm too much. The burn from yesterday and the port both itched like crazy. But it wasn’t just that. It was the urge to scratch in general, to rip up the skin and ‘let the crazy out’ like he’d told Steve once. Who had looked at him with concern even though it was meant to be a joke. At least that’s what Bucky told himself.

“That’s not funny Buck.”

“Oh come on punk.” Bucky had retorted, giving him a playful look. “If I don’t joke about this shit I’d really lose it.”

Laughing at it was the only way he could cope sometimes with all this. Amelia had told him it wasn’t a terrible thing to do. It was better than being depressed about it. But Steve seemed to take it seriously a lot more than he should and sometimes Bucky just wanted him to lighten up too. And there was something about the way he looked today that gnawed at Bucky as well.

Like he was wrestling with something important. Something that had to do with that errand earlier.

It was almost as if just thinking about this summoned the Captain because suddenly he heard his voice at the doorway. “Hey gorgeous you hungry?”

Bucky looked up from his work, surprised to see it had gotten darker. He’d apparently been painting for several hours and hadn’t realized it. That artistic haze that was a form of hypnosis. He blinked for a moment, looking at Steve leaning in the doorway, looking stunning in beige knit sweater.

“Sure.” He answered, leaning back and stretching a little. “I guess.”

When he stood up, he felt dizzy, needing to grab on to the side of the easel to steady himself and saw a concerned look on Steve’s face. He waved him off, giving himself a minute to get his bearings. They’d told him he might get a little dizzy and dehydrated from the medication, so he wasn’t as worried as his overly concerned husband was.

“You alright?” He was asked, feeling a hand on his arm. “Buck?”

He wobbled slightly, pins and needles in his feet from sitting so long too. That didn’t help. “Yeah I think my legs just fell asleep.”

“You sure that’s all it is?”

“I’m fine.” Bucky answered with a little more harshness than he intended. “I just feel a bit funky that’s all.” He kind of gave Steve a gentle push back. “I am goddamn capable of walking by myself.”

“Bucky you were just in the hospital hooked up to an IV a couple hours ago.” Steve told him, taking his arm despite his protests. “Just let me be concerned okay?”

Bucky nodded, not really having an answer for that because Steve was right, he had every right to worry about him today. He wasn’t just being over-protective or a worry-wort. He was being a concerned husband and he needed to give him a break.

“Sorry punk.” He finally said, as Steve helped him navigate the stairs, because frankly, he was getting disorientated again. “I’m just frustrated.”

“You’re forgiven jerk.” Steve told him as they got the bottom of the stairs. “I know you hate being taken care of.”

Bucky smiled a little and turned in his arm, causing a bit of dizziness he ignored. “Well that depends on the method of caring punk.” He said with a bit of sass. “I’m not annoyed at everything you do..” He grinned even wider, leaning into him. “Maybe you can.. take care of me a bit more later if you want.”

Steve raised and eyebrow and secured his arm around Bucky’s waist. “Maybe jerk.” He answered ith a hint of growl in his voice. “We’ll see.”

“See what?” Bucky asked with more sass, leaning into Steve with a bit more emphasis. “I need taking care of.” His hands gripped Steve’s shirt to steady himself more, as he brushed his lips over his. “So what’s the problem?”

Steve sort of carefully pushed him back just a little. “I’m not sure you’re okay that’s all.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him, suddenly feeling a little frustrated by that statement. “How about you stop treating me like I’m fragile?” He growled a little himself. “Just because I’m medicated doesn’t mean I’m defective you know?”

“I didn’t say you were Buck.”

“Well it sure as hell sounded like it.”

He felt all keyed up again, going from relaxed and playful to defensive like the scariest 180 ever. And while he wanted to blame his mood swings on the medication, he knew that wasn’t it. It was just boiling over. The old paranoia and memories creeping into him as a result of yesterday’s incident. His hand was literally shaking again, his skin feeling itchy and wanting to scratch. Needing to be calmed again.

Then he felt Steve’s hand snake into his hair and grip it, not hard but not soft either and the tenseness in his body started to loosen. This never failed to work it seemed. He could be on the brink of an explosion and Steve would simply fist his hair and it was like his whole body just.. relaxed.

“I know you’re not defective.” Steve told him in that soft commanding voice. “But I’m still gonna be careful jerk so you need to calm down you hear me?”

Bucky nodded, his eyes wide and locked into Steve’s sky-blue ones. He felt lost in them and at the same time his legs felt like a weird kind of jello. Like if Steve wasn’t holding him, he’d just collapse into a puddle. He could tell that Steve noticed this and secured his other arm around his back, keeping that other hand fisting Bucky’s hair tightly as he did.

“There we go.” Steve whispered to him, their lips mere inches apart. “That’s a good boo bear..”

He was then kissed softly, his lips held to Steve’s by the firm hand in his hair and any remaining tenseness fell out of his body, leaving him very loose. In that moment he’d forgotten about anything except the feel of Steve’s lips and his hand in his hair. The warmth of the other on his back. For the first time today, he felt completely relaxed without the use of a drug.. Felt safe. He let his hands grip the sides of Steve’s shirt and let himself be kissed properly. Opening his mouth and softly breathing him in.

“Thanks punk.” He whispered breathlessly after they finally pulled apart. “Been kinda needing that all day..” He let his fingers roam over the soft sweater and just smiled dreamily at him. “Think I might need a little more.”

Steve rubbed his nose against Bucky’s. “After dinner.” He was told. “Okay?”

They sat down and ate dinner, and while there Bucky could not escape the idea that Steve had something on his mind. Something other than his obvious concern for him. He could see Steve just watching him out of the corner of his eye as he ate and stopped his fork in mid swing, staring back at him curiously.

“Okay spill it punk.” He asked Steve, with a raised eyebrow. “You’ve had that constipated look all day.” He smirked a little, unable to resist the urge to prod him. “You didn’t have Taco Bell again did you?”

Steve seemed slightly surprised by the comment and then chuckled himself. “No jerk that causes the opposite problem.” He replied, drinking some water. “Remember?”

Bucky rolled his eyes and ate some more ravioli. “How could I forget?” He lamented, wrinkling his nose in recollection. “So for real what’s up?”

“Nothing.” Steve told him, a little evasively if Bucky was being honest. “Thinking about how much I love you that’s all.”

Bucky squinted at him a bit, still feeling as though Steve was keeping something from him, but he had the softest look in his eyes as well. Not that Bucky had any doubt how much Steve loved him or anything but there was something about the way he said it sometimes that just made him a puddle of goo inside. The only person in the world that had that effect on him.

“I love you too you big lug.” He told him, stuffing his mouth with more pasta. “How could I not?”

After dinner Bucky had taken some more medicine and was feeling a bit drowsy. Not too drowsy but just enough that standing up was a problem. They had reclined to the couch and watched some tv, the cat curled up at their feet. But there was nothing on the idiot box that was as interesting to him as kissing Steve and running his hands all over his soft sweater.

“I like this sweater.” Bucky mused as they made out right there on the couch. “It’s so warm and soft.” He let his hands slide under it a little bit. “But I’d like it better off.”

“Mmm hmm.” Steve murmured back, trailing those lips of his over Bucky’s throat. “I’ll bet you would.”

His hair was gripped once more, and he was kissed deeply again, feeling drunk and liking it. It was much better than earlier. That worry and fear. He moaned softly, wanting to wipe it all away and forget about it. To feel normal again after the chaos of that last 24 hours or so. He pulled his lips away and wrapped his arms around Steve’s back and let him suck on his neck again, smiling to himself, his fingers pulling that sweater up even more.

Opening his eyes, his hazy gaze found the window, where the blinds had long since been closed. The streetlight outside had cast light on them creating that a bit of glow and he saw a strange shadow in that glow. His eyes opened wider as he stared it, tensing with fear.

It was man shaped.

Bucky’s fingers gripped Steve’s back like a manacle for a moment, suddenly feeling terrified and exposed. Steve must’ve felt this because he stopped what he was doing and looked up at Bucky, seeing his wide eyes.

“Buck?” He asked concerned, his hand on his face. “You okay?”

Bucky glanced at Steve for a moment and when he looked back the shadow as gone. There was nothing but the glow of the streetlight. And somehow that was even worse. _Did I imagine that?_ He thought to himself. _Because it looked like…_

“Bucky?”

He looked back at Steve and gave him his best smile. “It’s nothing..” He reassured him. “I’m fine.”

Inside he didn’t feel fine though. His mind was racing. It had to have been in his head, there wasn’t anyone out there. It was a snowy night who in their right mind would be? And it wasn’t like he could trust his head these days. But there was a bit of him associating with that vision he’d had at the coffee shop, which was just convincing him it was in his head. He needed to get rid of this confusion for a while. The only way he knew how.

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah punk I’m sure.” He told him, practically tacking him to the couch now and straddling him. “Stop asking me.”

He felt Steve’s hands on his hips and wiggled a little on him before letting his own hands find the button and zipper to his jeans. He just wanted him right here, right now. To relieve the stress and tension he was feeling, including that bizarre feeling of being watched as well. It was stupid, he was in his own damn house. Nobody was there. It was okay.

“I’m just checking jerk.” Steve said, looking up at him. “That’s all.”

“I know.” He replied, undoing Steve’s jeans. “And that’s really sweet of you punk.. checking on me like that and all.” He then tugged on the jeans to pull them off. “You’re such a good hubby.”

He was too, Bucky could see the look in his eyes as he searched Bucky’s own. Making sure he was in fact okay for this. Bucky had to admit he was feeling a bit on the fuzzy side, a little doped up. But his ability to decern what he wanted was not impaired at all. He wanted a real tension relief and after the last 24 hours he was wanting and ready to do just that. And told Steve as much with his eyes.

Once the confirmation was in Steve hands were pulling at Bucky’s jeans as well and he rose enough to allow him to pull everything off from the waist down. And then those hands were on his bare ass, squeezing it before sliding a couple of fingers in, opening him up deliciously. And Bucky moaned and backed into it, wanting more.

“Relax.” Steve whispered, rising up to speak in his ear, his other hand patting Bucky’s ass. “I’m gonna take my time with you boo hear.”

He could take all the time in the world as long as he kept doing what he was doing. Bucky gripped Steve’s face with his hands, metal hand digging into his hair and kissed him deeply as he was stroked beautifully inside for a while, moving his body against it until he could barely take it anymore.

“Steve..” He gasped. “Please..”

“Patience my pet.” Steve growled softly, adding another finger to the mix. “Just let me take care of you.”

He forgot about the feeling of being watched for a while. About what he thought he saw at the window. And lost himself in pleasure for a little while. After the day he’d had, he’d felt he’d earned it.

\--

Steve watched adoringly as Bucky sat astride him on the couch, riding him enthusiastically, thighs hugging Steve’s. He had one hand in Bucky’s hair, the other hand on his back, holding him place to steady him. Both of them meeting each other’s thrust with beautiful coordinated precision.

He kept a careful eye on him, making sure to keep him from losing his balance because he was still a bit unsteady. But it didn’t happen. Bucky braced himself with his bandaged right arm, the metal wrapped softly around the back of Steve’s neck, their eyes locked into each other’s and it felt so perfect, so calming after the stress of the day.

They didn’t rush it, they just took their time.

Bucky’s teal blue eyes were beautifully hazy with his desire, fluttering in a gorgeous way at every upward thrust. For a moment he looked at peace, and Steve wished he could keep him just like this. Just protect him from what he knew now. The truth that was stalking them both, the only difference was that Steve was aware of it. And feeling guilty about not saying anything. About protecting him the way he was. Protecting the preciousness of this.

“We love you.” Bucky moaned softly, his metal hand curling around the back of Steve’s neck. “Our Steve.”

He loved the way he said that sometimes. Hearing the Winter Soldier in there as well. In the height of passion it came out and it always filled Steve with a strong sense of love, desire and protectiveness. The beautiful person encompassed everything that was important to him. His whole world wrapped up in one beautiful package.

“My Soldier.. my Bucky..” He moaned in response, gripping his hair as he felt it coming for both of them. “My love.”

They came almost simultaneously, and he pulled Bucky’s lips to his, kissing him deeply as the shudders went through them both. And then he just wrapped him up in his arms on the couch, burying his face in his brown hair and breathing him in. He always smelled so good after they made love and Steve could never get enough of that.

“Now that is better than any drug they could give me..” Bucky said breathlessly, nuzzling hie face into Steve’s shoulder. “By a mile.”

Steve smiled into his hair. “Glad I could help.”

He reached down and pulled the blanket over Bucky’s naked lower half, feeling a strange need to cover him up at that moment. He couldn’t put his finger on why, just wanted to. Bucky, who was practically laying on him, smiled and snuggled into him more, their legs tangling together under the warm blanket.

“Always keeping my ass covered eh punk?” Bucky mused, flipping his eyes up at Steve. “So protective.”

“Well only I get to see that.” Steve told him, pulling him closer. “Don’t want anyone peeking through the window and getting a free show.”

For some reason Bucky seem to tense a little at that statement, which concerned Steve slightly. He let his hand run over Bucky’s hip under the blanket and rub it softly to relax him again. And watched his face carefully as he seemed to slide a little more to the side, tucking himself between Steve’s body and the couch, his eyes flicking to the window briefly as if looking for something.

“You okay?” He asked, brushing his lips over his head softly, just below the sensors. “You’re shaking.”

“Uh huh yeah of course.” Bucky said, closing his eyes. “Just still feel a bit funky is all.”

Steve didn’t completely believe him, but who was he to call him out on holding out, considering what he knew right now. He just pressed his lips to his head and held them there, feeling extremely protective of him even more so now. Especially in the knowledge one of his captors was out there, not far away, and that Bucky was clearly scared and confused about whether he imagined it or not.

“We can talk about it.” He suggested, lips still against his forehead. “If you want to.”

“I talked enough about it today in therapy.” Bucky said in a tired voice. “I can’t anymore.”

There was a part of him that was in a strange way upset that Bucky could talk to Amelia about it but not him. But he also knew there were just things that were hard to talk about with someone you loved. Deep shameful things that you just couldn’t talk about outside therapy. Not that Bucky had anything to be ashamed of in his opinion, because none of those things were done by choice. But that didn’t mean Bucky didn’t feel that way and he had to patient with that. He knew if Bucky could talk about he would, and that maybe he was protecting him in a way as well from the worst of it. Especially after all the things Steve already knew and had seen with him over the last several years.

“I’m just letting you know you can alright?” He reassured him, rubbing his hip and waist again under the blanket. “I’m gonna love you no matter what.”

“I know that Steve.” Bucky said quietly, burying his face in his neck. “I just can’t I’m sorry.”

He nodded, turning a little to hold him more securely. “It’s okay.” He whispered into his hair. “Just get some rest Buck.”

Tucked in between Steve and the couch Bucky did just that, almost completely concealed under the blanket. Napping safely there. Steve rested his chin on his head, thinking that he was suffering again in so many ways and it pissed him off. That the cause of it this time was out there, a threat in more ways than one.

And now he was feeling it himself, a strange feeling of being observed. Not by the cat, who was nestled on the recliner across from them. By something else. Or someone. It made him uneasy and want to check the locks again. Even though he knew everything was as tight as drum. It was an eerie feeling.

Like if he turned around he’d see a shadow on the window.

But he knew it was just his overwrought mind just being uber protective of Bucky. So he dismissed it for now. But much later on he would recall this as a warning sign he should’ve listened to.

\--

Later that night, after they’d retired to bed, Bucky had woken up, sensing something off. A warning from the Winter Soldier part of his mind of potential danger. It had been a long time since the Soldier was this alert and it was alarming.

_He’s here.._ the Soldier whispered. _Very close._

He obeyed that voice because that part of him had protected him on many occasions prior to him living with Steve, when he’d that self-protection and hyper-alertness. So he got up carefully, not waking Steve, but not quiet subtle enough to not alert the cat, who he was unaware was watching him as he left the room quietly to go downstairs and investigate this feeling. 

Bucky once again wasn’t sure if he was awake or dreaming this either. He knew this was partly the medication, but this had happened before that too. But this was so vivid now. Just like his dream the night before.

He even went into the kitchen first like he did in that dream. Watching his metal hand lift a knife out of the rack automatically. For protection.

_Outside.._ that voice said. _Watching.._

He ended up in the living room, not sure exactly what he was looking for. Just knew he was on alert. The house was locked up tight he knew, no one could possibly be inside. Whatever it was had to be outside like the Soldier was saying in his head. It was around 2 in the morning according to the clock on the cable box, which he could see across the room. It made a light glow that lit up the room. As did the streetlight that somewhat lit the blinds up as well. He was focused on those. Drawn to their large living room window. For good reason.

That shadow was there again. Man shaped and terrifying in its implication.

Bucky felt himself shake, but he couldn’t stop his feet from walking over to the window. Feeling the shag carpet under them as he stepped forward to the blinds and stood in front of them. And put out a shaking hand to pull apart the blinds with two fingers, looking through them.

It was snowing lightly, snowflakes lit up by the streetlight in a very surreal way. And landing on the figure standing there, approximately 5 feet from the window on the sidewalk. Staring back at him with an eerie malevolence.

Bucky’s metal hand shook, the knife in it tapping against the window frame. He looked down at it for a moment, seeing the light reflecting off it. He looked back up and the man was still there, almost beckoning him now. His hand raised as if to snap his fingers any time.

_Soldat…_ he heard in his head. _Come…_

He could feel the cold coming over him again. That loss of himself. He was shaking, his heart racing, knowing for the first time in a long time he going to lose control of himself. That he was so terrified. So paralyzed with fear that he couldn’t function properly. His conscious mind fading away.

He felt his feet move, pulling away from the window and turning and after that he remembered nothing. The blackness had taken over.

\--

Steve woke up to a little paw batting him in the face. He grumbled a little and woke up to see Arya staring at him, her green eyes almost glowing in the dark. And he realized two other things at once.

Bucky wasn’t in bed. And there was a draft coming from the hall.

These two things alarmed him, and he shot up, not even thinking about his slippers even though it was cold, freezing actually. The fear was palpable, and he sprinted out of the room and down the stairs to find the front door wide open. Snow drifting in eerily in silence.

“Bucky?” He called out, hell yelled. “Buck?”

He wasn’t in the house, but it didn’t take long to find him either. Just had to look out the door.

Bucky was standing outside, almost on the street. Dressed only in his bedclothes and no shoes in the snow. Just standing there staring into space. With a knife in his hand. He could see the streetlight gleaming off it and the metal arm as the snow swirled around them. Not a shower this time but real snow.

Steve sprinted out into the snow, barefoot himself and grabbed Bucky by the shoulder. “Bucky?” He asked, seeing his eyes looking vacant, just staring forward at nothing. “What are you doing it’s freezing out here..”

His eyes went to the knife he was holding, seeing for the first time there was a little bit of blood on it. Which was frightening because at first he wasn’t sure if it was his. Although didn’t seem to be bleeding. His bandage was clean and he had no other cuts he could see. And that’s when he saw a little more in the snow on street.

And the footprints in the snow, which had stopped in front of where Bucky was currently standing and had retreated as well. And his fear grew even more when he saw something else as well.

Those footprints had gone right up to their house. To the living room window. And Steve’s blood ran cold.

He was here. At the house. That feeling he’d had of being watched. And he was sure Bucky had had felt it too now. Was he there when…

He felt himself turn and look in the direction Bucky was staring and saw, or thought he saw, a figure in the distance. It seemed to stop and turn for a moment, or maybe it was an optical illusion born out of fear and stress and swirling snow. But Steve didn’t think so. It was him. Kovalev. Taunting him.

It took everything he had not to chase after him. What kept him from doing was Bucky. Who’d been outside long enough for snow to accumulate a little in his hair. He was in bare feet and clearly not himself.

He hat to take care of him first.

Putting his hands on his shoulders he shook him gently. “Bucky?” He asked, more firmly this time. No response. So he tried something else. “Soldier?”

The eyes seemed to meet his for a moment in confusion. And then some recognition and the position seemed to loosen a little.

“He’s gone it’s okay.” He said to him, his hand on the arm holding the knife, easing it down. “We gotta go inside now you’re freezing.”

Some more coherency seemed to come into his eyes at that moment, as if he recognized Steve for the first time. “Steve? What…” He asked, his voice scared and confused. “I’m.. cold..”

He put his hands on Bucky’s face, which was ice cold now. “Come inside and I’ll warm you up okay?”

Bucky nodded and allowed Steve to pull him back inside. As they approached the door, he took another look down the street, as if looking for this asshole. But he was gone now. If he was there to begin with. But Steve knew he had been. And maybe Bucky had wounded him, the blood on the knife seemed to indicate that a possibility.

But right now, he just pulled him inside and locked the door, resetting the security system just in case. He then grabbed the blanket off the couch and wrapped Bucky up in it from head to toe and sat him down at the kitchen table.

He seemed unwilling to give up the knife at first, but Steve managed to finally get it out of his hand and put it on paper towel. He would wrap it up in some plastic and take it to the compound tomorrow and run the DNA to confirm. But right now, he wanted to take care of Bucky who still seemed almost catatonic.

“What happened Buck?” He asked, putting a hand on his cold face, feeling the snow melting in his hair. “Tell me please.”

Bucky continued to stare into space for a few more moments before answering in that same shaky voice. “I don’t know.” He said, his eyes confused and scared. “I don’t remember.”

“Think Bucky.” Steve asked, rubbing his arm now, trying to get him warmed because he was shaking hard. “Please.”

Bucky seemed to scrunch his face a little as if thinking really hard. It would’ve been cute under other circumstances but not now. Steve was eerily reminded of Berlin after Zemo had unleashed him, how confused he’d looked when they were questioning him, and it was scary as hell.

“I think I saw him again..” He answered finally, looking at Steve with large eyes. “Through the window and then I… don’t remember.” He bit his lip, shaking, but not just from the cold. “I think I’m going crazy again Steve.. I have to be.”

Steve looked at him, confused, scared, and cold. Knowing he wasn’t crazy but how could he tell him right now in the state he was in. How could he confirm the reality of that man? Especially when he didn’t know what happened out there.

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve whispered to him, wrapping him up in his arms. “We’re gonna figure this out okay?” He wrapped his hand around the back of his head and just held him tight. “I got you.”

He felt Bucky clutch him and bury his face in his shoulder. “I’m scared Steve.” He choked out, shaking hard. “I’m so scared..”

That bastard was going to pay for coming near them now. For upending Bucky like this and making him feel less safe. Less stable. He was messing with him is what he doing. And that was a huge mistake. Steve vowed with everything he had he’d track him down if it was the last thing he did. Nobody messed with his Bucky like this. No one.

“I got you Buck.” He repeated in his ear. “You’re safe now I promise.”

He felt Bucky shiver under the blanket and lean into him. “You can’t protect me from my own head Steve.” He stammered into his shoulder. “You can’t.”

He couldn’t let him think he was crazy. Not anymore. Knowing the alternative might upset him, but it didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t. Bucky had to armed with the proper facts. Had to trust his mind if they were going to get through this. So he made a decision. Only time would tell if it was the right one.

“It’s not in your head Buck.” Steve told him finally, pulling back and holding his face in hands. “You didn’t imagine it.” He took a deep breath and looked in his troubled eyes. “He’s real.”

Bucky shook his head violently. “No Steve he can’t be.” He protested, his eyes wild. “He just.. can’t be.”

“He is Buck.” Steve assured him, holding him in place. “We pulled the video from the coffee shop and he was there.. It was him. “ He watched a myriad of emotions go over Bucky’s face as this sunk in. “I didn’t want to believe either but it’s true.. and I should’ve told you sooner I’m sorry.”

He sat back and waited, watching Bucky as he tried to process this information. Waiting for the outburst that he knew was going to come and preparing himself for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright lets get started..
> 
> Bucky's nightmare to start the chapter is a very real fear he has that he'll hurt Steve and also speaks to how he views his mind and its trustworthiness. And it did, in a way, foreshadow the end of the chapter as well. 
> 
> The revelation that the man does in fact exist was to me never really in doubt. The mystery of his survival is an interesting part of the story, and its what causes Bucky so much doubt about his sanity. Because his memory is so messed and still fluid that what he thinks he remembers isn't always the case. People think memory is like a video tape but its exactly the way Amelia says it is, its not always reliable on its face. 
> 
> I hate doping Bucky up, I really do but calming him is important in that state of mind otherwise complications will occur. It's not helping with him questioning his sanity but its doing it's job and so is Pam, who like Amelia, always has her patients best interests at heart. You can read up on serious consquences of untreated anxiety attacks online to know why medication is often neccesary to keep the patient calm. 
> 
> Do you think Steve made the right decision to tell Bucky the truth? Because it was difficult one no doubt. Neither option was good for him but Bucky questioning his sanity was probably worse, but it's open to opinion. Btw Bucky is not likely to react well to it, or even completely accept it, which what the first part of the next chapter will be involving. 
> 
> I don't have a title for it yet but it will the tension going and I'm excited to write it. 
> 
> And thank for the lovely comments and suggestion I love reading them and you guys help me, you really do <3<3


	11. Defiance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on Tumblr

Steve’s words stuck in his head _You didn’t imagine him._. but he refused to believe it. Even when Steve said they had a tape he wouldn’t let himself. It couldn’t be true.

That man could not be alive. He couldn’t be. It had to be another awful dream.

But he could feel the snow still melting in his hair. The cold on his skin. His feet especially. He was outside, in the cold. At least that’s what Steve said but Bucky didn’t know why he was questioning it. Steve wouldn’t lie to him. The rational part of his mind knew that, but the denial was stronger. He simply couldn’t face the other possibility.

“No.” He said, violently shaking his head. “It’s not true.” His metal fingers found the tape over his port and started to scratch under it. “This is a dream it has to be.”

He could feel the sting from scratching his skin, but he wasn’t waking up. And he could see Steve looking at him with that look. That concerned look. “Bucky this isn’t a dream.” He said in a soft voice. “I wish it was.”

“He can’t be real.” Bucky protested again, getting up even though his feet were still numb. “He can’t.”

He stood up, feeling unsteady and felt Steve attempt to grab him to steady him, but suddenly didn’t want him to touch him. Not because of fear of Steve but disgust with himself. His memories of that man and the.. things he’d done and helped do to him. Unwanted hands touching him and causing pain. That and the blank space in his mind that wouldn’t let him see exactly what had happened out there, made him feel filthy and unworthy of being touched. So he jerked away from him and held onto the table.

“Buck..”

“Don’t touch me.” He snapped, his hand out in front of him in a warning gesture. “Don’t..”

Steve was not deterred by this and put his hands on his shoulders. “Bucky it’s okay just tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know!” He shouted and shook him off hard. “Just.. leave me alone please.”

He felt so confused, scared and even a little sick. A bad combination he didn’t care for. And let’s not forget the paranoia as well. There was that. If the man was real, which his addled mind wouldn’t accept he could be out there right now watching them again. His eyes flicked to the windows, and back at Steve, rolling around his sockets. He was a mess and he knew it, wanting to Steve to steady him but at the same time wanting him to stay the hell away too.

“You need to calm down.”

“I always need to calm the fuck down don’t I?” He said angrily starting to pace a little. “Is that why you all keep drugging me?” He turned his hand and looked at the port suspiciously. “They did that too you know.. to calm me down so I would _behave.._”

Steve looked at him sadly. “Bucky that is not what we’re doing.” He tried to reassure him, stepping closer causing Bucky to back away. “We have to keep your heartrate down or you could get worse.”

“How much worse could I get Steve?” Bucky snapped at him, feeling fully defensive now. His metal hand started pulling at the tape on his arm on his arm. “Look at me.” 

“You’re not seeing things Bucky he’s real.” Steve reminded him, stepping to the counter and picking up the knife on the counter. “You had this in your hand and you cut him with it.” He put it in front of Bucky’s face where he couldn’t help but the red stain. “See it’s not the drugs.. you’re not crazy.”

Bucky just looked at the evidence in front of him and, seeing his reflection in the kitchen knife. Remembering the dream he’d had the night before. And a flash of something else, of being touched in an unpleasant way and lashing out with a knife. But he couldn’t tell whether it was recent or long ago, it seemed to fuzzy and jumbled together. Whatever it was that blood made it real. He’d cut someone tonight. And since neither he or Steve were bleeding…

Another frightening possibility was he stabbed an innocent person.

But his heart knew the truth even if his head was in heavy denial mode right now.

“Talk to me.” Steve said simply. “Please.”

Bucky looked at him pained now. Because part of him wanted to. But there was another part that whenever it got heavy, he just locked up. Couldn’t open his mouth and just spill it to him, like he could in therapy. And even that was like pulling teeth sometimes. Because ever since he’d merged his mind back together, he’d been remembering new things. Terrible things. Truths he couldn’t deal with. Even over the course of the last year, when tings were going well outside of therapy, those things were spilling out, and he kept them there. Keeping his life separate from it.

He never wanted the darkness to touch his life with Steve here. Wanted him to believe he was okay. That barrier had broken down last December, but he’d patched it back up. Keeping the avalanche confined to therapy where it couldn’t hurt anyone else.

But it was leaking again. And this horror from his past potentially being alive had sprung a major leak.

“I can’t.” He said again, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “I just can’t.”

Steve almost looked exasperated now. “Why not?”

Bucky bit his lip and scratched a little more. “Because you don’t need to know this Steve.” He said quietly. “It’s not gonna make any difference. “ He looked away, focusing on the wall as if trying to see through it. “It’ll just make it worse for you do you understand?”

“I’m trying Buck I really am.” Steve replied, running his hands through his hair and stepping away for a moment. “I don’t understand how holding things in is better that’s all. You used to be more open about this before. But over the last several months its like I have to dig harder to get answers.” He sighed and turned back to Bucky with tired eyes. “And don’t understand why that happened.”

He knew Steve was referring to last December when he stopped talking all together, but Bucky knew Steve didn’t realize he’d been doing it a lot longer than that. It made him feel guilty, defensive. Feeling the need to explain himself without the details of what he was hiding inside. His emotions were up, as were his defenses, and the fact that he was feeling this way in a place where he should feel safe was alarming as well.

“Nothing happened okay?” He told him, still struggling to keep the edge out of his voice. “I’m just trying to protect what we have here the only way I know how.” He ran his own hands over his face and through his hair now, almost mimicking Steve. “By trying to keep the shitty stuff away from this, from _us.._ do you understand _that_?”

There was emphasis on the last word, in a way he knew sounded a bit prickish. But he was so on edge right now, his mind a jumbled mess that he couldn’t control the tone anymore. The defensiveness. It was like he was back to that old hyper-alert, hyper-vigilant state. Wanting to lock everyone out like he always did when it all came back to him. And by the look on Steve’s face he knew he’d taken it exactly that way too.

“You know I didn’t just marry the good stuff.” Steve reminded him, stepping forward and locking his eyes with Bucky’s. “I’m here for the shitty stuff too and I’m wondering at what point you forgot that.”

He didn’t have an answer for that, because Steve had managed to hit the nail right on the head. Smashed it actually.

“I know you are. Bucky said quietly, looking down. “I’m sorry.”

Steve shook his head, once again looking tired. “The thing is Buck, you keep saying that.” He said in a tone that matched the look. “But you keep doing it over and over. You do it when you get scared and I understand that. And you’re scared now I know.” He put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and he didn’t fight him on it this. “But I don’t know what to do anymore because it feels like you don’t trust me.”

That one smarted too. Like a gut punch. Because he did. He trusted Steve more than anything and he hated Steve thinking that he didn’t. But he’d realized he still hadn’t clarified himself as much as he could. Wanting to make him understand what was going on here.

“That’s not it Steve.” He tried to explain. “I’ve always trusted you.”

“Then explain it to me.”

He swallowed hard and pulled himself out of his grasp, not hard but gently. “I’m protecting you.” He admitted, holding his gaze. “Because I’m afraid of what you would do if you knew everything.” He wrapped his arms around himself, biting his lip again nervously. “And you if found him after that.”

He trailed off seeing the look on Steve’s face, as if he’d touched a nerve inside him as well. Bucky had known Steve had expressed desires to hurt those who’d hurt him and done his best to defuse that. And now that there was a possibility one of them had found him after all this time, the risk was greater that Steve would give into that anger he’d been holding onto for a long time. And Bucky didn’t want that kind of darkness to creep into him too. Not his fair haired hero.

“There’s this darkness in me Steve.. I feel it all the time.” He continued to explain, at least letting this fear fall out of him. “And I.. can’t let it get into you too.. I can’t.” He let that guard down for just a few moments, just enough for him to see. “I love you too damn much you get that?”

His metal fingers dug under his bandage again as he tried to suck it back in again. Tried to close the door for now. But Steve wasn’t going to let him do that just yet. He reached out and pulled the metal fingers away before Bucky could really break the skin, holding it with one hand. His other one went to Bucky’s face, holding it firmly so he could look in his eyes. And Bucky could not look away from those eyes. Was locked in.

“You’re right.” He said, hand wrapping around the metal wrist, and Bucky could actually feel this. The sensors on it that sensitive. “I would kill every last one of them if I could. Because of what they took from you. What I already know is enough.” His thumb moved softly over Bucky’s face, causing his eyes to flutter closed in response. “Your darkness is mine too you can’t protect me from that.. You don’t need to.”

Bucky shook his head adamantly. “I can’t let it consume you too.” He whispered in a broken voice. “I can’t.”

“That’s not your choice it’s mine.” Steve told him, adding that commanding tone. “Tell me about him.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to remember but did just the same. It had started to come out in therapy during deep sessions, but he hadn’t connected them to any particular tormentor until he’d seen, or thought he’d seen, that man in the coffee shop. He’d worked with the other one, the man in the boots, had present and participated in horrible things and Bucky wanted nothing but to forget him entirely. To forget all of it but he couldn’t. It was still in his mind like a nightmare movie reel. It caused his arms to tighten around himself a little more and his eyes to shift to the window again.

If he was real, he knew where they lived. And Bucky was acutely terrified of this. For reasons he still couldn’t say out loud.

_You belong to us. To me. Accept it Soldat.._

“I can’t.” He said again, hating himself for it but he just couldn’t. “You don’t wanna know.” He pulled away, feeling himself start to shut it down again. “He’s just.. dangerous.. and we’re not safe anymore.”

He turned away, not letting himself see the look on Steve’s face. He wanted to be anywhere but near a window right now.. The thought of looking out onto the street terrified him now. Needing to get away.

“Bucky?” He heard Steve’s voice say behind him, felt his hands on his shoulder. “You are safe.”

He jerked away again, hating himself for that too. But he didn’t want to be touched anymore. He was so scared he felt dangerous and didn’t trust himself at that moment. He whirled past him, not allowing him close just yet. Heading for the stairs, for the safety of the second floor.

“No I’m not.” Bucky told him, backing toward the stairs, starting to feel dizzy as well. “You have no idea what he’s capable of.”

He’d managed to get to the bottom of the stairs, made it up the first step before his legs gave out completely and he went down. His metal arm clutch the railing and the jerking motion caused him to cry out involuntarily. Because it hurt like hell. It always did when that happened, metal and wires pulling on skin, muscle and bone. His vision became even more fuzzy, everything bright, and every sound had a muffled quality.

He was having another anxiety attack at the worst possible time. When he needed to be clearer.

“Bucky?” He heard Steve’s voice say as an arm went around him, a strong one that he didn’t fight this time. “I got you it’s okay.”

His head was spinning, on overload from all of this and he couldn’t focus. He needed _him_. Not just Steve but the part of his mind that was calmer, more rational. He needed the Soldier to steady him. _Please.._ his mind begged _Help me.._

And at that moment the calm took him over again and he let it, as Steve helped him up. He heard his voice again, still sounding far away but clearer now. “Tell me what to do Buck.” It said, with a warm hand brushing his hair.

_Second floor.._ the Soldier’s whispered in his head. _Safer_

“Upstairs.” Bucky managed to respond, leaning against him for support. “I need to go upstairs.”

He let himself by guided by both of them for the moment, feeling too damn weak and scared to do otherwise. And when he’d gotten upstairs, he parked himself by the window facing the street. And stayed there. The Soldier was on watch now, and he took his protection job very seriously.

\--

He had at least gotten Bucky into some warmer clothes. A pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, but he couldn’t convince him to let himself sleep. Or take any more medication. Hell he could barely convince him to leave the window. He stood by it, his eyes never leaving it. The one that faced the street.

He’d recovered from the anxiety attack downstairs and the calm now was eerie. He was watchful, eerily so.

Steve watched him from the bed, just staring out it, his eyes looking red and tired, but hyper-alert just the same. They never left the street in front of the house. He was on watch, in protection mode and Steve knew there was no talking him out of it. No reasoning right now. So he just watched him, waiting for him to open up that gate himself. It would be a long watch he knew.

The denial, the anger and then the emotional shutdown were all familiar to him. The hyper-vigilance to the point where Steve could barely touch him. Hell not even breath on him. It hurt to see this again after all this time and made him angry at the same time.

At Bucky in some ways for shutting him out yet again, for using this defense mechanism against him. As much as he understood it, it still hurt in that fresh way every time.

But the real anger was for that man. For hurting him in the first place and then invading their lives like an evil troll who’d just been hiding under a bridge this whole time. Waiting for the moment to rear his ugly and rip Bucky’s head apart again. Making him scared and mistrustful like he was before. 

He would kill him if he could. Realizing that Bucky was right to be worried about that.

Steve may not have known what this particular asshole had done but it didn’t matter. He was one of them. Of that group of people that had gotten their sick claws into Bucky and had twisted and hurt him in ways that he was still recovering from. That he may never completely get over. The amount of information Steve had already was more than enough to ensure a tremendous amount of pain would be inflicted on any individual that was remotely related to this. And Bucky knew that.

Yet he was still unable to voice what horrors this man had inflicted. It was clear to Steve that Bucky had a lot more than a couple of abusers and that was eating at him. Because he wanted badly to help and comfort him. If only Bucky would really let him.

Being helpless was never something Steve Rogers was not good at.

After a while of just sitting there he’d gotten up himself and walked up behind Bucky, very carefully reaching his right hand out to touch Bucky’s. He didn’t flinch and that was a good thing. He didn’t react in any way at all, just continued to stare out the window. So Steve very gently entwined his fingers with Bucky’s flesh ones, holding it loosely as he stood behind him.

“You need to sleep.” He whispered in his ear, trying again. “Please.”

“I can’t.” Bucky answered, in that same flat voice. “It’s not safe.”

He took a chance and let his left hand snake around Bucky’s waist, flattening it on his stomach. He felt a slight flinch, but then he relaxed. Using that as another opening Steve buried his face in his hair, still holding Bucky’s right hand with his own. Trying to give what little comfort he could.

“You are safe.” He repeated again, directly into his ear. “He’s not gonna get to you.”

He felt Bucky shiver slightly in his arms and just wrapped his arm tighter around him. “He already did..” Bucky said in a shaky voice, his metal hand on the frosty window. “He found me.” Steve felt another tremble go through his body. “He said I’d never get away and he was right.”

“You did get away Buck.” Steve told him, hating that defeated sound in Bucky’s voice. “You’re here.”

“Did I?” He asked in that same flat voice. “Doesn’t feel like it.”

Steve just held him closer, as close as Bucky would let him right now, feeling at a loss for words as to what to say to reassure him. He wasn’t exactly in a rational frame of mind. Steve knew he had to get him to lay down. To sleep. Even if he didn’t want to. It was almost 5 in the morning and he just wouldn’t go. And idea came to him, one he wrestled with a for a few minutes before deciding he really didn’t have a choice right now.

“You want some coffee?” He asked into his ear. “I mean if you’re gonna stay up and all.”

He seemed to get a genuine reaction of surprise out of him at that question, but he still didn’t turn from the window. “Sure why not?” Bucky replied. “Suppose it couldn’t hurt.”

Pressing his lips to the side of Bucky’s head he was relieved the reaction wasn’t suspicious. And somewhat concerned that he didn’t question it either. It went to show how focused he was on watching outside that he didn’t even consider the randomness of the question. Bucky usually had a suspicious nature and for some reason he wasn’t here.

Because he trusted him, Steve knew. And that just put another twinge of guilt in him over this. Over being deceptive. Even if it was for his own good.

“I’ll be right back.” He told him, letting go of his hand to go retrieve it. “Okay?”

Bucky barely turned, his red tired eyes still starring out the window. “Yeah.” Was the only response he got.

Going downstairs Steve grabbed the bottle on the counter along with a pod of decaf coffee for the Kereug. He looked at the bottle in his other hand and contemplated it again. Knowing it was deceptive and Bucky would be pissed if he knew. But he had no other option right now. He needed to sleep. Pam had been concerned about a recurrence of seizures, which unlike before, could be harmful to his brain rather than helpful. It could happen if he didn’t keep calm and didn’t get enough sleep.

It was for his own good to get him to rest but in his hyper-alert state he wasn’t going to do himself.

The sedatives were in capsule form and therefore were easy to break up and put in liquids if taking them orally wasn’t an option. Bucky did that sometimes because frankly he didn’t like the taste or the idea he was taking medication. So he often put them in his drinks so it was nothing new. But this time Steve was doing it without Bucky’s knowledge. He hated doing it, feeling like he was violating his trust, but he was really leaving him no choice right now.

So when the coffee was done he put in it, along with the creamer and sugar. Fortunately Bucky had gotten a taste for sweet coffee from his coffee shop forays with Wanda. So the taste of the medicine was covered by that.

When he brought it upstairs to Bucky, he was still there by the window, watching the street with that intense stare. The cat had sat between his feet and it was adorable and sweet to see her doing that. If Daddy wasn’t going to sleep, Array would still sit with him just the same. He walked over and handed him the coffee, still feeling guilty about doing it, but knowing in the long term it was in his best interest. At least that’s what he told himself.

Steve could live with the consequences. Of Bucky being pissed at him as long as he was okay. He clearly wasn’t right now.

“Here you go.” He told him as he handed it to him. “Just how you like it.”

Bucky nodded and took it, barely looking away from the window. And Steve was relieved to see him drink it. The whole cup a little at a time. He stood behind him again, seeing that Bucky was at least allowing him to wrap his arms around him and stand there with him. Especially when the sedatives took effect, he’d need the support.

Due to his high metabolism his dosage was two pills rather than one, so while it took more to work, when it did work, it worked quickly. And Bucky was already tired that was clear. So he held onto him until he felt him lean back a little, his metal hand sliding off the window as if losing strength in it. Steve could see over his shoulder his eyes were struggling to stay open.

“Did you..drug me?” Bucky said in sleep slurry voice. “Why would you.. do that?”

Steve turned him around in his arms and held his head with one of his hands. The other holding him up as he looked into his fluttering, confused eyes. “I didn’t want to.” He told him, letting his hand stroke his hair. “You need to sleep.” He kissed him between his eyes, feeling his body loosen even more. “You’re not well.” 

“They used to drug me.” Bucky said, his tired voice sounding a bit angry and hurt. “To control me.”

“That’s not why I’m doing it Bucky.” Steve told him, continuing to stroke his hair as Bucky clutched his shirt. “You know that.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.” Bucky slurred out, his head butting Steve’s shoulder. “In fact I’m.. kinda mad..at you punk.’

“I know you are jerk.” Steve told him, nuzzling his hair. “If you wanna be mad at me you can be you got that right.” He smiled into his hair a little. “You can even yell at me tomorrow, whatever you want. As long as you sleep tonight.”

Bucky seemed to waver a little on his feet and Steve took that as a cue to pick him up, hoisting him into his arms and finally moving him away from that spot by the window. Bucky had managed, in spite of being drugged, to get his legs around Steve’s waist and let himself be carried to the bed. In fact he was almost already asleep on his shoulder when he was put down on it. Almost.

“What if… he comes back?” He asked Steve, his eyes fluttering shut as Steve got him under the blanket.

Steve leaned over him, his hand on his face, looking into those half-lidded blue eyes, his hand continuing to stroke his hair. “It’ll be the last thing he ever does.” He told Bucky firmly. “ Cause I won’t let him get near you.” He kissed his softly. “I promise.”

He climbed in next to him and wrapped him up in his arms. And soon the cat joined them as well, at their feet. He rested his chin on Bucky’s head, wanting him to stop fighting it and go to sleep. Just wanting him to rest his mind for now.

“This isn’t.. over punk.” Bucky said in a sleepy voice. “I’m still pissed at you.”

“Yeah yeah jerk.” Steve told him, brushing his lips over his head. “Stop fighting it and let yourself sleep.”

After a while he finally relented, curling into Steve in his sleep and that all he wanted was for him to rest. Even if he was pissed at him tomorrow. If it started a fight. It didn’t matter. He would take care of him even if he fought it tooth and nail, which he did sometimes. Anything was better than that nearly catatonic state of wariness.

He struggled a little in his sleep a few times, most likely a nightmare of some kind, and he just held him tighter until he calmed. He spoke in his sleep occasionally, sometimes in Russian, sometimes in English but no matter what language it was, there was pain and terror in them. And Steve would just press his lips to his head and hold them there to comfort him.

“It’s okay.” He whispered to him like he always did. “I got you. You’re safe now.”

Bucky would respond by whimpering and clutching him a little tighter until he went back to sleep again. And even though the sun was up, and the world waking around them, they both eventually slept for a few hours. Curled up together under the blankets, hiding their faces from the light for a little longer.

\--

When Bucky finally woke up it was mid-morning. Almost 11 according the clock. And for a brief moment he could almost believe that what happened last night was just a dream. All of it. He had himself convinced for about a minute.

He blinked against the light filtering in, and turned against the pillow, feeling groggy but to some degree at least, well-rested. He could feel the cat curled up next to him outside the heavy blanket he was under. Buried in it and the pillows around it. It felt safe and warm and a part of him wanted to stay there. To hide from the reality he knew was going to creep in any minute.

That man had lured him outside last night. He was real. In the flesh. Although he had no memory of that. All he remembered was seeing him through the window.

The rest was a blank space, with little flickers of memories.

_My beautiful Soldat.._ a familiar voice said in his head. _I found you.._

A memory of a hand that wasn’t Steve’s on his arm.

A swipe of a knife and drops of blood in tracks in the snow.

It was nothing coherent. And not much after was either. Being vaguely aware of being cold. Of Steve bringing him back into the house. Of a feeling of horror and fear. Paranoia as he was told that man was real. Of being angry at Steve and refusing to sleep. Of standing by a window. It was all hazy, like one of his crazy drug-induced hallucinations when he was in captivity. Or the strange dreams he’d had while being frozen. None of it seemed real, but a part of him knew it was. And he was scared shitless.

His shoulder hurt a little too. Having a vague memory stumbling on the stairs as well. Lovely.

“Good morning beautiful.” He heard Steve’s voice say from somewhere outside the covers. “Or should I say afternoon.”

Opening his eyes, he peeked out at Steve, feeling some residual anger at him now. He’d drugged him, he knew he did. Tricked him into it. And even though Bucky knew he’d done it to help him he couldn’t help being pissed. Feeling betrayed in a sense.

“What’s good about it?” He asked bitterly, making his feelings clear in his eyes. “You drugged me.”

“I did and I’m sorry about that.” Steve admitted, not put out by the anger at all. “Like I said last night, you can be pissed at me all you want, that’s your right, but you didn’t leave me much choice.”

In spite of the apologetic look on Steve’s face, Bucky still wanted to stay angry. To have his say. “Is this how it’s gonna be?” He asked, sitting up a little, feeling dizzy as he did so. “You’re just gonna slip drugs into my coffee when I’m not being cooperative.” His face felt hot, flushed with anger. “Cause they used to do shit like that too.”

“I know they did Buck” Steve said as he sat down on the bed, giving Arya a pat on the head. “But unlike them, I didn’t do it hurt or control you.” He reached out and brushed a strand of hair from Bucky’s face, causing his eyes to flutter in spite of himself. “I did it to help you, because you weren’t yourself last night.”

That hand felt nice on his face and he wanted to give in and forgive him, but he was scared, angry and confused and this combined into defensiveness and made him stubborn as a result. Wanting to claw and fight back at someone, and Steve was the only one available to take it.

“That’s your justification for drugging your spouse without his permission?” He asked, the anger rising in his voice. “It was for my own damn good? Cause they said that too.“ He sat up even more fighting the dizziness. “I didn’t believe them so why the hell should I believe you?”

“Because I’m not them Buck. “Steve said patiently. “I’m not trying to manipulate you like they did.” Now his other hand on was on Bucky’s flesh hand, steadying him. “I did what I did because I love you and want you to be okay.. even if it means you hate me right now. I can live with that.”

He wanted to stay mad, needed to stay mad right now. Last night was still preying on him. The idea that if this man was in fact alive, that he’d watched them on the couch. He’d felt that hackle in the back like being watched then, and that feeling of violation in of itself was enough to unhinge him. But the fact that his memory was spotty at best on what had happened outside on the street was another thing as well. Because what he could remember scared the hell out of him.

And now this. The knowledge that Steve, with good intentions mind you, had tricked him into taking medication. Well it was just, too much to deal with.

“You think I should let this go because you meant well?” He asked angrily, pulling back from him. “I’m not… I can’t.” He felt mistrustful even though he knew it was baseless. He just needed to take it out on someone. To transfer it all. “How do I know you haven’t done this before? How can I trust you now?”

Steve reached out and put his hands on Bucky’s face to look in his eyes again. The feel of that made him want to give in, to relent but held his ground on that. Held onto the anger a little longer. But at the same time didn’t pull away either, just kept glaring at him in spite of it.

“You’re scared, I get it.” He told him, his voice calm and patient as always. “And if you want to stay mad at me you can all you want, you got a right to be.” He sat back, leaving a hand on Bucky’s face. “Just remember that no matter how confused you might be right now.. I’d never do that to hurt you. Never.”

Bucky felt himself weakening but stubbornly hung on to that anger. “Fine.” He said with a still slightly bitter tone and sat back against the headboard. “Can I just.. be alone for a little bit.” He gave Steve a still somewhat angry look to mask that he’d relented a little. “Your face is kind of annoying me right now punk.”

“Sure.” Steve replied with a soft smiled, squeezing his hand before letting go of him. “How about I make you something to eat?”

“Sure.” Bucky said in a dismissive tone that he didn’t really mean. He did want him to stay but he was stubborn. “Whatever.”

Steve once again was not put off by his tone, which irritated Bucky further. “Okay time to feed my grumpy bear.”

Bucky grabbed a pillow and winged it at the door as Steve closed it. It smacked off of it rather loudly, and satisfyingly as well. Not that it would’ve hurt him if it hit him, but it was making a point. He crossed him and took a deep breath to calm himself, laying his head back against the headboard as well. The anger was leaving him, replaced by fear and a deep hurt. He hated this. Hated that man for coming back into his life and disrupting it. Brining back those memories again. Which made him lash out at Steve the way he had. He knew Steve did what he did to protect him, but it made him bite and claw again. And Steve took it, even though he shouldn’t have to.

He then felt a furry body rub up against his arm and looked down at a pair of bright green eyes. He’d almost forgotten Arya was there but thank God for her. “What?” He asked her, as if expecting an answer. “I’m sorry you saw that little darlin..”

He scooped her up into his arms, letting her sit on his metal one like she liked to. She put her little paws on his shoulders and promptly began nuzzling his chin with her head. Her presence had the power to calm him the rest of the way. Until it was just a light tremble under his skin. It was true, pets had healing properties. He bent his head down and rubbed his nose against hers as he petted her.

“I’m not that mad at him sweetie.” He whispered, scratching her chin and hearing her purr in response. “I’ll get over it.”

He cuddled with Arya for a little while and then decided to finally get up. Steve hadn’t bothered him, or knocked on the door or anything he knew it was just him giving him some space. Steve always knew when he needed alone time, let him come around on his own. He’d always had good instincts like that.

Letting Arya curl up on the bed to take her tenth nap of the day most likely, he took a shower, a long one. Keeping the bandage on his arm covered with plastic he scrubbed himself until his skin was red and raw because, if he was honest, he could feel the filth of being touched by that man again. He hated that feeling more than anything. In his years in hiding it was a feeling he was quite used to. Had sometimes taken multiple showers a day, not knowing why he needed to until a few years ago. And once again told by Amelia that this feeling was totally normal considered what had happened to him.

He hated the feeling though. The shower never cured it.

Only Steve did that. But he knew he wasn’t in the right frame of mind for that either.

As he was getting dressed later, he was noticing his choice of clothing in an absent way at first. Black jeans, black t-shirt. Black boots. Normally he was more colorful but today he was dressing dark. He was dressing like the Winter Soldier. Dark, angry, and maybe just a little dangerous. It was the way he felt right now.

While he was finishing up, he pulled open one of the top drawers and reached in, knowing what he was searching for without realizing it. His hand found the familiar shape and pulled it out, looking at it. Studying it.

It had been a long time since he’d held a gun in his hand. He hadn’t gotten rid of it, just tucked it away. Hid it from himself as he tried to build a normal, stable life. One free of the violence that dominated it for so long before. And in some ways he’d forgotten about it. But that peace had been interrupted and he didn’t quite feel safe anymore. So now here it was, back in his hand again.

He transferred the gun to his metal hand and raised to the mirror, getting a look at himself in it and saw the ghost of what he used to be reflected in it. Dressed in all black with his hair down. That same dark look in his eyes. It was scary. He could almost believe for a moment that nothing had changed. That he was still that horrible thing they’d created.

But he wasn’t. Not totally.

He had a new arm, inlaid with silver and gold, with a different color star. White instead of red now. That symbolism hadn’t been lost on him when he’d chosen it. Emphasis on chosen. He could also see his dog tags, hanging out of the shirt. His name engraved on them. Could see the bracelet Wanda gave him tied to the wrist of the metal arm. His engagement bracelet and of course, the wedding ring. All the things that tied him to now. To this place. To his home and family.

And there was the feel of that little furry body weaving between his legs as well. And he finally lowered the gun until it was at his side. He looked down at Arya who once again stared up at him and meowed softly. Causing him to smile.

“Alright you little brat.” He said to her. “We’ll go downstairs I guess.”

He bent down to pick her up, but not before stuffing the gun into the back of his jeans for now. Knowing Steve might notice and say something, but it didn’t matter. Right now, he needed it to feel safe. Needed to protect what was his. The life he’d worked so hard to get. If that piece of shit got close to his home again it would be the last time he vowed.

So he scooped Arya up onto his arm and left the room, looking hesitantly at the railing of the stairs. Feeling that apprehension about going down there. Another little bout of agoraphobia he had to overcome. Remembering the times when going out was frightening, almost paralyzing to him. When he was constantly looking over his shoulder and always hyper-alert. So he stopped for a moment, the cat in his arms, smelling food downstairs and actually hearing company as well. Other voices he recognized. Which caused more hesitation because wasn’t sure he was ready for company.

So he waited, the cat in his arms, and the gun in the back of his pants. Feeling the fear and doing his best to overcome it. And no matter how hard he tried, his damn feet just wouldn’t move. “Shit.” He swore to himself, holding onto the rail tightly, cursing himself.

He wasn’t doing downstairs just yet it seemed. So he stood there for a while, listening to the voices downstairs.

\--

Steve found the letter while getting the mail, and it was the last straw for him. Not that he needed a reason, but this pushed it beyond the point he could deal with now.

He given Bucky his space to stew, knowing he needed that time to himself. He would come down when he was good and ready and not a moment sooner. That was how it worked. And if he was still mad that was fine too. As far as Steve was concerned, Bucky being angry was not a bad thing at all. It was an emotion, an expression of feeling and that was much better than the alternative that he’d seen sometimes.

Even if it was directed at him. He could live with that.

He started to get ingredients ready for breakfast, which was technically lunch now because he’d allowed Bucky to sleep very late. Which he did from the sedative that Steve had given him without his knowledge. Steve could understand the anger and the mistrustful look he’d gotten upon that revelation.

_“They used to do that shit..” _

Steve knew he was right. It had been one of their many methods, but the fact that Bucky had suspected he’d done it before was a little more of a grey area. While he’d never actually out and out drugged him, he had ‘convinced’ him to take them before, when he was sick with pneumonia that time. Using the fear of going to the hospital and be forced to take it. He’d hated himself then for that too, but sometimes he had to make those decisions. And Bucky trusted him to make the right one, even if he himself didn’t agree with it.

As much as sometimes those accusations hurt, he knew Bucky didn’t really mean them, that he was scared and frustrated, and the lashing out was simply a defense mechanism. Not that it was always okay either, he called him on it plenty of times. But he understood it enough to not respond too angrily as hard as it was to can his own frustration.

It was mail time anyways, the sound of it getting dropped on the porch very distinct. So he went and got it, picking it all up on the porch. He used the time to observe that more snow had fallen overnight, covering up those old tracks left by their intruder. But there were new ones left by the mailman of course.

It didn’t stop him from scanning the street suspiciously, looking for any sign of that bastard. So far didn’t see anyone on the street that didn’t belong there. So he took the mail inside and put it on the table, absently sorting through what was mostly flyers when he found the letter.

A blank envelope that immediately got his suspicions up. It wasn’t unusual for them to get letters of a personal note, their address wasn’t exactly secret. And Steve had always tried to screen these and weed out any that were insulting or threatening before Bucky got to them. But that had slowed down somewhat. This letter felt different though. There was malevolent feel to it. It radiated off the paper. Steve sat down at the table and opened it, his eyes scanning the content.

It was addressed to him, not to Bucky.

_“Dear Captain Rogers,_

_I see you have found something of mine, something I lost a long time ago. I can understand how you would want to keep him. He is quite extraordinary I agree. A beautiful specimen that I am rather attached to. He has great potential as you know, and that is being wasted keeping a home as a house husband for a ‘superhero’. That disappoints me all those who worked so hard to turn him into the that work of perfection so I am sending this notice to remind you that he still belongs to us. _

_I’m sure he’s told you about me by now. About our history. Our relationship was complicated one, and it did end rather badly but I forgive him for that. But I will have him back again, for you may have had the words removed from his head, but there are other triggers even he doesn’t know about. And he will still always be ours. He cannot escape this. It is his destiny and if you stand in the way, you and your friends will be removed from the equation. _

_Consider this a warming. “_

The letter was unsigned, but Steve didn’t need a signature to know who it was from. Feeling rage at the condescending tone of it, the claim of ownership. As if Bucky was property that had to be returned forthwith. There were so many disturbing things in that letter and all he wanted to do was rip it up, but he didn’t. Not yet. He decided to keep it as evidence to nail this bastard if he didn’t kill him first that was.

But he also knew here was no way in hell Bucky was ever going to see it. Not yet at least.

Steve folding it back up and promptly put it back in the envelope, stuffing it into his pocket to put in his lock-box in his office later. Could feel it like a weight in there. Playing its words over in his mind. Other than the veiled threat there was another statement made that was sticking in his head.

_Our relationship was a complicated one, and it did end rather badly but I forgive him for that…_

The used of the word ‘relationship’ was yet another disturbing element as well. There was an implication there that Steve didn’t like. He was pretty sure this ‘relationship’ was an imagined one but considering what he knew of the things that had been done to Bucky there in that horrid place, it brought up terrible thoughts. Centering on why Bucky was so damn reluctant to talk about him at all.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a light knock on the door and immediately tensed, on high-alert, especially after reading that. But then remembered that Pam was coming by to check on Bucky, and that Sam was most likely with her. And checking the camera confirmed this.

So he let them in, greeting them both, and trying his best to not show his worry too clearly but Sam picked up on it rather quickly as they came into the kitchen. “So what’s going on?” He asked, looking around. “Where’s the man of the hour.”

“Still upstairs.” Steve told them and decided to be as honest as he could. “Something happened last night and he’s not doing well.”

Pam immediately got concerned. “Is he alright he didn’t have seizure or anything did he?”

“Not like that.” Steve said, shaking his head. “It was.. something else.”

“Well to honest Steve his sensors went off about 2 in the morning.” She informed him, pulling out her laptop to put on the table. “Like they used to before.”

Steve ran his hands through his hair and decided to be as honest as possible. “He did have an incident around that time, but I don’t know what happened.” He informed them. “I wasn’t there, and he doesn’t remember it.”

He was escorting Pam to the stairs when they saw Bucky at the top of them, looking over the railing. He was holding the cat with one arm the other was clutching the rail. He looked apprehensive. Scared even. Like he didn’t want to come down. His hair was pulled back from a visibly pale face, made even more by his choice of clothing. All black. He didn’t look right, and he could tell the others noticed too.

“I’m here to check on you.” Pam told him, starting up the stairs. “You okay?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered, his flesh hand clutching the railing. “It’s like my feet won’t even go down the stairs. “ He gave a shrug and sort of half-smile. “Weird huh?”

“That’s fine.” She told him as she came up the stairs. “We can do this wherever you’re comfortable.”

She turned and nodded to Steve and Sam that she had this and went up with him to whatever room he decided to use. Steve would put money on the art room. Bucky always felt safest there. And as worried as he was, he trusted Pam and knew she had it under control. So he and Sam went to kitchen instead to wait.

“So what happened?” Sam asked. “Because no offense man, but you both look like shit.”

He shook his head at that. “No offense taken.” He told him, smiling a little as he finished putting some food together when he was done. “I didn’t’ get much sleep last night.”

“I’d imagine you didn’t. Wanna tell me what happened?”

Steve did his best to explain what had happened last night. What he knew of it. He didn’t leave out Bucky’s state of mind after, or even what he had to do to get him to sleep. He just needed to tell someone right now. He knew he could trust Sam.

“That guys got some stones.” Sam mused, shaking his own head. “Unbelievable.”

“And then there was this.” He added, pulling the letter out of his pocket. “I haven’t shown Bucky and I’m not sure I want to.”

“You gotta level with him sooner or later.”

“I know. “ He admitted looking up the stairs. “Just not right now.” He handed him the letter and took the wrapped up knife off the counter. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure.” Sam answered, looking at what Steve brought him. “What?”

Steve handed him the bagged knife. “Take this to the compound and see what information we can from it.” He answered. “If we are gonna nail this bastard I want everything logged.” He leaned back against the counter and clenched his hands over it. “If I don’t’ kill him first.”

“I’ll do it Steve.” Sam told him, coming over and putting his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “But you gotta stay calm and do this right okay? It’s not gonna do either of you any good to do something stupid.”

Steve chuckled and shook his head again. “Yeah Bucky says I excel at that.”

“He’s right.” Sam told him, actually chuckling a little. “I mean it though. I know this is a shitty situation but we gotta do it right.”

“He threatened us Sam.” Steve said angrily, stuffing that letter back in his pocket. “And he got him outside somehow and I don’t know what happened. “ He stood with his hands on his hips. “Next time it could be a lot worse.”

“Well we’re gonna try and make sure it doesn’t.” Sam told him and looked at the dish Steve made. “Damn that looks good.” He saw Steve’s and smiled. “Sorry haven’t eaten yet.”

“This is for Bucky but I’ll make you one if you want.” Steve said, amused by that. “Pam’s gotta feed you cause you’re clearly wasting away.”

They laughed about that and it was nice to just feel a bit relaxed for a little bit. Even though in the back of his mind he was still worried about Bucky. About this shit. But for now there really was nothing else he could do he understood.

\--

“So what happened?” Pam asked, as she checked him over in the art studio. “You can tell me you know I am your doctor after all.”

Bucky gave her a brave smile as he pet the cat, who was sitting on his lap. “The thing is.. I don’t know.” He told her honestly as she took his blood pressure. “That’s what fucking me all up.”

“You’re sensors said you had an event last night.” She informed him, unstrapping his arm and then listening to his heartbeat. “You don’t remember any of it?”

“No It’s just a blank space.” He explained, taking deep breaths. “With little blips of something… kind of like before.” He looked up at her, not bothering to hide his worry. “It’s not happening again is it?”

“There was activity.” She explained, checking his pupils now. “Not as bad as before but we want to keep monitoring it. Just make sure because any seizures you have now could be harmful.” She stood back and looked down at him. “My medical opinion is you got a serious shock to your over the last couple of days and mind is reacting to it. But we will keep an eye on it.”

He sighed heavily, the answer was terrible but it wasn’t particularly good either. He felt weird and out of sorts and he knew part of it was that he hadn’t eaten yet, and the other part was the medication. He watched her as she took some more stuff out of her bag and continued petting Arya, for comfort more than anything.

“So I have to keep taking the medication then?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yes unfortunately.” She told him as she used the port to do just that. “I know you hate it, but we have to keep your stress level down for your own sake.”

He nodded and rolled his left shoulder a bit, trying to ease the soreness from that too and she notice of course. “It’s nothing.” He tried to say. “I just pulled it a little last night that happens.”

“You know pain isn’t nothing.” She admonished. “Even if you’ve ‘had worse’ as you like to say, you don’t have to suffer with it.” She put some of her stuff away and stood with her hands on her hips. “Let me take a look.”

Bucky shook his head, knowing it was pointless to argue here. “Yes ma’am.”

Afterward, when he was finally alone again, he put Array down and took the gun out of his pants, putting it back in the drawer for now. He didn’t want the questions that came from that. Or to alarm Steve. The situation was stressful enough as it was.

And now he was hungry too. Very much so.

He went back to watching out the window, rubbing his arm, when he heard some footsteps behind him and, and a familiar voice as well. He smiled to himself, knowing he’d already forgiven him but not wanted to let that be obvious yet.

“Figured I’d find you in here.” Steve said, and put down what sound like a plate. “You hungry?”

“Starving.” Bucky replied, not turning yet.

“Good I brought you a sandwich.” He was informed. “It’s on the chair.”

He turned and found it, looked damn good, but anything would when you hadn’t eaten in over 12 hours. But Steve made great food and he didn’t have to pretend to like it. He picked up the plate and starting wolfing it down. He could see Steve out of the corner of his eye, in a nice blue shirt that brought out his yes he was sure, but he wouldn’t let his own eyes get up that far. Because he was weak in that sense and one look in those baby blues and he’d be done.

“So you forgive me yet?”

He didn’t look up at him, just concentrated on his shandwich. “What do you think?”

“Well you didn’t come downstairs at all so I took a wild guess, and figured I’m still in the doghouse.” 

Bucky stiffened slightly, wondering if Steve was going to ask why specifically. He couldn’t come down and not talked to him there, but he just stayed up there. And he didn’t feel like explaining the real reason behind that. That the idea of going downstairs scared him in a new way. The fear that if he looked out the window, he’d see that man again. And he hadn’t been that kind of paranoid scared in years.

It pissed him off but he couldn’t do anything about it. Except let Pam sedate him again in the hopes he’d get over it. So far she was the only who knew. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Steve yet. But he knew the question would come eventually, and every other question that came with that answer.

“You’re kinda right.” He answered, letting himself smile a little. “It’s hard to stay mad at you punk but I keep trying.”

Once he finished his sandwich he returned to the window, not wanting to look at him yet. After a moment or two he felt his arms come around him from behind and he let him, needing the contact.

“I think you did already.” He heard Steve say into his ear. “You’d have thrown another pillow at me otherwise.”

Bucky smiled a little at that. “You’re lucky that door was there punk or you’d have a dent in your head.”

He felt Steve nuzzle the back of his neck, and his hand touch Bucky’s flesh one. The fingers grazing over his softly as if he wanted to entwine the fingers. And Bucky wanted to let him. Hell he wanted to turn around and just climb on him. To be kissed and touched until he forgot about all of it. He fought the urge though, wanting to just keep him at arm’s length a little longer until his head stopped spinning and he could think clearer. Once the sedative kicked in again in other words.

“I am sorry that I had to do it.” Steve told him, the fingers still brushing gently against Bucky’s. “But I’m not sorry that I did if that makes any sense.”

It actually did, it made perfect sense. “Yeah I get it.” He said, letting his voice soften a bit. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it though.”

“I love you.” Steve whispered to him as his hand finally took Bucky’s, and he let him. “Just don’t forget that.”

He bit his lip, hard too and let his hand squeeze Steve’s finally. Allowing at least some comfort. He could feel Steve’s other arm slide around his waist and let his metal arm wrap around it too, holding it to him. And felt those lips and two-day stubble, rub against his neck softly, causing his eyes to close. Knowing he wasn’t going to be able to hold up much longer, but still holding back out of sheer force of will.

“I know that.” He whispered in return. “It’s the one goddamn thing I’m sure of punk.”

All he could think of when he stood there was the image of that man out on the street. Of that shadow in the window while they were making love on the couch. How cold his feet felt when he came to out there, with Steve’s hands on his face and not knowing what had happened in the interim. The terror of knowing he wasn’t even safe in his own home. That he got lured out into the open like that. By one of them.

_Soldat… you will always be mine.._

It was another flash from last night. And the words rattled in his head, causing him to shake. It was the effect that voice had on him even now. Remembering it speaking in his ear from behind, feeling his horrible hands on him. He saw it flashes like you saw in movies, full of colorless horror as it unfolded.

All his memories of that time were like that. Cold and colorless. Except for the blood that was.

“Bucky?” Steve asked in his ear, holding him a little tighter. “What is it?”

He whirled around in Steve’s arms, taking his face in his hands and kissing solidly. Desperately. Just needing him. Needing to kissed. To be touched. To be reclaimed because he felt that dirt on him again. That filth that came with being that close to one of them. Of a touch of hands he never wanted before or every again on his skin.

He pulled his lips away finally and leaned his head against Steve’s, hands on his face. “What was that about?” Steve asked, a little breathlessly, his own hands resting on Bucky’s waist.

“Cause I wanted to.” Bucky answered, nuzzling his face with his own. “Do I need a reason to kiss you now?”

“Of rouse not.” Steve replied, rubbing his back softly. “I just know you that’s all.. and its more than that I can tell.” He then seemed to get a better grip around Bucky’s waist and lifted him, in that effortless way and sat him on the large windowsill, standing between his legs. “Somethings wrong and I want you to tell me what it is.”

Even in the mood he was in, he loved when Steve did things like that, and sort of coyly hugged his legs with his own knees. “Well golly gee punk there’s a lot wrong with me.” He answered in a sassy tone, his eyes hooded as he leaned back on the sill. “You wanna be more specific?”

“I’m serious jerk.” Steve responded, putting his hands on Bucky’s face and holding it firmly. “Please talk to me. Just let me back in.”

He felt a little defensive but knew that not answering was going to do no good right now. “What do you want me to say?” He asked, his voice taking on that defensive edge now. “That I’m scared?” His hands clenched the sill a little harder to calm the tremble. “I am. I’m fucking terrified okay?”

Steve just held his face and kissed his head softly, causing Bucky to shudder and close his eyes. And then but his head into Steve’s shoulder, letting him stroke his har as he sat there like that, trying to gather himself and failing miserably.

“He was outside our window last night.” He continued, just letting it spill out into the air. “I know he was, I could feel him.. watching us.. on the couch..” He trembled a little more, wrapping his hands around Steve’s arms. “I thought I was just.. being paranoid but.. he ws really there and I just couldn’t admit it.” He lifted his head and looked in his eyes. “I went to the window and saw him through the blinds and I.. I don’t know what happened after that and now.. I can’t even go downstairs because I’m scared he’ll be there again.”

“Did he hurt you Buck?” Steve asked, holding his gaze. “Just tell me.”

He closed his eyes, his still moving, fragmented memories trying to coalesce into a whole. They were still mixed up, not in order and may never be completely. Memory wasn’t like video tape as Amelia had told him, it was fluid, influence by emotions and he was never fully sure of what was real. But he remembered that man just the same. Along with the others. Remembered his voice, his touch. The pain he’d helped cause over the course of years. And unlike the other, whose face he’d never really gotten a good look at, he remembered his face too. His eyes.

He could feel them even now, making him want to look over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t down on the street, staring up at him.

He wanted to talk about it, had wanted to share it, get it off his chest. But he couldn’t open his mouth and say it. He needed help. Needed an old ally to help him out.

“I want to but.. I can’t.” He told him honestly, biting his lip. “But maybe he can.”

“Who can?” Steve asked, looking confused.

“The Winter Soldier.” He said simply, closing his eyes again. “I’d need to bring him out to do it.”

“What?” Steve responded with confusion at first. “But you to are.. together in there now.” His eyes took on a look that Bucky had a hard time reading at first. “Aren’t you?”

He remembered what Pam had told him earlier about his readings, that it was similar to the readings he’d had back when his dissociative episodes were frequent. That he had gone into that state around 2 am. And while it frightened him a bit earlier, he was beginning to understand it now. About why he couldn’t remember clearly what had happened. Because it wasn’t fully him that had gone outside with that man. He was almost 100 percent sure of it now.

“Yeah.. kind but.” He started but paused for a second, figuring out how to say it. “I think he came out last night.” He watched Steve’s face, seeing the realization on it. “That’s how I ended up outside.”

\--

Steve tried to let that sink in, the possibility that Bucky was splitting again. All the signs were there, including the loss of memory. It made sense but had scary connotations too. That the trauma of seeing this man again had caused that schism to occur again. It worried him considerably.

“I thought you’d be more excited about this punk.” Bucky mused, breaking Steve’s train of thought. “I seemed to remember you were pretty attached to him.”

Steve gave him a cross look at that implication. It appears he’d never gotten over his weird jealously about this. He could see it in his eyes as he was searching him, waiting for his answer. He put his hands back on Bucky’s face and held his gaze, looking into those teal blues.

“You’re really gonna go there?” He asked him. “Now?”

“Go where?” Bucky asked, hooding those eyes. “You sound kinda of defensive, like I hit a nerve or something.” He then raised his eyebrows as if realizing something. “Did I?”

He had, but Steve was going to damned if he’d admit it out loud right now. The memory of the Winter Solider caused conflicting emotions in him, some of them he knew deep down were somewhat unresolved. There was the murderous assassin he’d been forced to take on that wore Bucky’s face. And then there was the version of him that he had lived with in some way for almost a year. The one that acted like angry, abused child that took forever to trust him. He’d fallen in love with that part of Bucky too. And a part of him still missed him.

But he knew any kind of return meant imminent danger, real or perceived, to Bucky.

And now, in light of the letter he’d received and last night’s incident. It wasn’t just perceived. The man was clearly dangerous, and Bucky’s mind responded accordingly to it.

“I’m just worried about you that’s all.” He told him, still holding his face and not letting go of it. “About going through this again.”

“That wasn’t exactly and answer punk.”

“Neither was yours.” Steve shot back, feeling defensive about the trajectory of this discussion. Bucky did that sometimes and it was irritating. “That’s makes us even.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, sitting back a bit on the windowsill. “I answered the damn question.” He shot back, voice gaining a sharp edge. “By telling you I’m not the one who has the damn answer.”

“No that was avoiding the question.” Steve countered, letting go of is his face to grab his shoulders now. “He’s you which means you can answer it.. you just don’t want to so you’re passing the buck.”

“I’m not passing anything.” Bucky countered, with a little anger flashing behind his eyes. “I can’t answer it Steve.” He emphasized every word as he spoke. “I open my mouth and the words just won’t come out do you understand that?” There was familiar blaze in his eyes. “It’s not as easy as you think to talk about this shit so stop riding me about it!”

Steve tried to pull himself back a little, seeing that anger rising in him. “I know it isn’t.” He said in a softer tone. “I get it.”

“Do you?” Bucky snapped at him, not done being pissed today it seemed. “Because you act like it’s a personal slight that I can’t talk to YOU about being fucking abused by those shitheads!” He sat back more on the sill, running his hands through his dark hair. “You think I don’t trust you or something and that’s not goddamn true it’s just..” His hands pressed to his head as if it hurt and maybe it did. “I don’t want any more of this shit in your head Steve.. it’s bad enough its in mine.”

It hurt in a way to hear that, but in a way, it was at least good to clear the air to some degree as well. And Bucky was right, in a way he was being sort of selfish about the idea of him talking more to people like Wanda and his therapist about these things than him. He did trust him he just had a hard time opening about certain things and always had.

He leaned over, stepping more in between Bucky’s legs and put his hands on his face again. “I’m sorry about that okay?” He told him. “I shouldn’t push you about that I just get worried that you’re holding this stuff in again because that’s not good for you either.”

“I’m not.” Bucky answered, his eyes still angry but softening a little. “It’s easier for him to talk about those things than it is for me.” He turned his head away, his eyes focusing on something in the room. “He’s not weak like me. He can handle it.”

He let his hand slide into Bucky’s hair comfortingly. “You’re not weak Buck.”

“Then why did I need him last night?” Bucky asked angrily, letting his metal arm wrap Steve’s again. “I should be able to handle this shit without my fucking mind breaking in half again!”

He could see the agitation in him again, the tremble in his body. He was worried about his heartrate climbing up again. “It’s okay.” He said in a soft voice, his hand getting a handful of hair and gripping it gently. “Relax.”

“I wish everyone would stop goddamn telling me to do that!” He snapped again. “It just pisses me off more.”

Steve had to admit, even in the tense situation they were in, there was adorable about his defiance. And that look in his eyes, that barely contained angry energy, always had an interesting effect on him. Sometimes Bucky got this wild, barely under contol quality to him, and Steve thought that that maybe was the Winter Soldier part of him, the part many had sought to tame and control. It made him dangerously beautiful, and brought out possessiveness in some, Steve included.

He’d read some of that in that letter as well. _He’s mine.. _it had read in one place.

_The hell he was_ Steve thought angrily remembering it.

“I know.” He answered, getting a better grip in his hair. “But you need to calm down.”

“What if I don’t?” He growled, his eyes still flashing anger. “You gonna drug my coffee like you did last night?”

Steve ignored that baiting statement andgripped his hair tighter, almost pulling it now. “At ease Soldier.” He said in a soft commanding voice. “Stand down.”

The anger was starting to slip out of his eyes now, his breathing calming as well. Steve could feel his metal hand flexing on his arm, and it hurt a little, but he held on until Bucky’s body relaxed, going almost limp like a scruffed cat. Steve used his other hand to rub a circle on his back, seeing his eyes flutter as he calmed down the rest of the way.

“There we go.” He whispered to him, pulling him a little closer. “You’re okay.”

Bucky’s eyes were half-lidded when he leaned in, kissing him solidly. Instead of letting go of his hair he gripped it tighter as their lips parted and tongues twisted softly around each other. Steve heard Bucky sigh softly and felt his thighs tighten around his hips, pulling him to him.

“I’m sorry.” He breathed against Steve’s lips. “I’m bein’ an ass.”

Their lips were barely parted, and he looked into Bucky’s eyes. “You’re forgiven jerk.” He replied breathlessly himself. “I was wrong too though..”

“It’s alright punk.” Bucky told him, brushing their lips together again. “I forgave you hours ago.” He smiled saucily. “You’re kinda hard to stay mad at ya know?” 

The Brooklyn was coming out in his voice and Steve always loved when it did, causing him to pull him closer with a low growl. They kissed again, even more passionately than before, and he had a feeling they weren’t leaving this room yet. He could feel Bucky’s hands on his shirt, pulling on it urgently, his ankles tightening around Steve’s thighs, indicating he was well aware of this too.

“I mean to tell you earlier.” He purred into Bucky’s ear. “I really like your outfit.”

The all black throwback to the Soldier had definitely not gone unnoticed. Steve had mentioned to Bucky that he liked the outfit he’d worn then. Not in the sense of its constrictiveness or symbolism of being controlled, but because he just liked him in all black, form-fitting clothes. Sort of the way Bucky liked his stealth suit. He remembered feeling a bit bashful admitting it to him, as if he shouldn’t like that and Bucky had assured him it was okay. Everyone had a fetish. You like what you like.

“Glad you like it punk.” Bucky said with mirth in his voice as Steve sucked on his neck a little. “Maybe now you can take it off me.”

Steve lifted his head from assaulting Bucky’s neck to look at him carefully. “Right here?” He asked, searching him. “You sure?”

“Yeah I sure am.” He answered, his eyes gleaming with lust and defiance. “I don’t care if he’s watching… let him.” He grabbed fistfuls of Steve’s shirt. “I’m yours not his.. let him choke on that.”

There was something beautifully defiant, so basic and primal about that idea. Especially after reading that letter and feeling the tone of it. Of claiming him as his right there and letting that fucker see it. As much of a violation as it was to think they could be being watched, it felt like an act of defiance as well. And it wouldn’t be the first time they’d made love there either. And after all the tension today why not?

So he yanked Bucky’s shirt over his head and laid him down on the sill, kissing him deeply again and just letting it go for the moment, throwing caution to the wind. He climbed over him, his hands and lips claiming every inch of him all over again

Bucky was right, if that asshole was watching he could choke on it.

\--

He was feeling defiant all of a sudden, not sure where it had come from to be honest. A part of him inside that just said, _fuck that asshole_, and it took over. He wondered if in a strange way, it was the Winter Soldier. He wouldn’t have been surprised to be honest.

Laying on the extra wide, cushioned windowsill with Steve’s head between his open legs, he felt very defiant indeed. Being more demonstrative than ever. He clutched at his blonde hair, thighs hugging his neck, giving into the moment of being claim by his husband yet again. Showing that he only belonged to one person and one person only.

And this wasn’t just a rebellion it was tension relief as well, because there was no sex like make-up sex in his opinion.

After he’d been brought to a beautiful orgasm, Steve’s hands and lips slid slowly up his body again, until he was being pressed into the cushions and kissed deeply. Until he could feel Steve’s body between his spread legs and was ready, oh so ready to accept him in. But there was no real urgency either, it was still fairly early in the day and all.

Bucky felt Steve’s hand grip his hair and pull his head to expose his neck again and yelped softly as he continued to mark that spot beautifully. The sweetest pain he’d ever felt honestly. He hoped it was all kinds of colors now. He wore them proudly, not caring what anyone thought really. There nothing they eve did that was shameful to him anymore. Nothing to hide. He dug his fingers into Steve’s back and just enjoyed himself.

Once he was done with his.. project, Steve lifted his and leaned on one elbow, the other hand tracing Bucky’s jaw, down to his neck and over his left shoulder. They trailed over the sensitive scar tissue causing Bucky’s eyes to flutter in response. The skin was so sensitive he loved when he kissed and touched him there now.

“Have I told you how beautiful you are?”

Bucky smiled up at him, rubbing against his thigh against Steve’s hip. “Pretty much every day punk.” He told him, wrapping his metal fingers around the back of Steve’s neck. “You never shut up about it.”

“Well I can’t help it.” Steve said as he nuzzled under Bucky’s chin. “I mean look at you. You’re just perfect.”

Bucky felt a twinge at that word, normally it didn’t bother him, but his memories were so close to the surface that he felt this one. _You are perfect my Soldat.._ that voice had said on many occasions. _You will change the world. _

Steve noticed the shudder and the hand went to Bucky’s face immediately. “You okay?” He asked, searching him with those sky-blue eyes of his.

He didn’t know if he wanted to talk about that in a situation like this. He didn’t want to ruin the moment with his shit, but Steve wasn’t going to do anything else until he knew Bucky was okay. There was no getting around it. And Bucky loved him for that. So he summed whatever courage he could, letting out a shuddering breath.

“He used to say I was ‘perfect’.“ He admitted, once again wrapping his flesh hand around Steve’s arm, the movement causing the port to hurt a little but he ignored it. “That I was beautiful too. Usually while he’d.. have his hands on me..” He bit his lip softly and lifted his eyes back up finally. “It was… nothing like this though.”

Steve looked angry at that, but in a soft protective way that always made him feel safe. To feel far from that cold, dark place where nothing but pain and suffering had existed.

“He hurt you?”

It was a question and at the same time it wasn’t. And Bucky nodded in confirmation of that at least. “A lot of them hurt me. It was like a free for all sometimes.” He told him, gripping his arm tighter. “And he liked to.. watch when others did.” His body trembled slightly at the memory of that. “He was there for all of it.. he knows everything they did.”

He did a lot more than just watch, but even if wanted to, like he’d said before, it just wouldn’t come out. Just a whimper at the thought of it. The Winter Soldier could talk about it, if he could draw him out again that was. They were melded so closely together now that it would be pulling apart conjoined twins. But he knew it had happened last night. The Soldier had sensed how paralyzed with fear he was and went into protection mode. Overriding Bucky’s consciousness in the process.

The Winter Soldier knew everything and remembered it all. And wasn’t burdened by the guilt and shame that Bucky had carried since the day he escaped. He was the practical, observant and much more stable part of his head and Bucky badly needed him lately.

“He helped train me.. did things to me too.. wanted things from me.” He confessed, shaking as he did. “He was.. is.. very invested in me personally..” 

Steve brushed his hair softly as he leaned over him. “You don’t have to do this Buck.” He said in that same soft voice. “If it hurts too much.”

“I gotta eventually.” Bucky said with a heavy sigh. “I gotta stop giving him the satisfaction of thinking he still owns me.” He scrunched his face painfully and lifted himself a little to nuzzled Steve’s shoulder. “He doesn’t.. not anymore.”

“He never owned you Buck.” Steve whispered in his ear, his arm around Bucky’s back, hand on the back of his head. “No one does.”

Bucky breathed hard, as if inhaling Steve into his lungs. “You’re wrong punk.” He spoked into his neck, wrapping his legs tighter around Steve’s hips. “You do.. and you always have.”

He’d talked enough, more than he expected, but could go no further. The mental block wouldn’t let him right now. It was enough to admit as much as he had. So he pulled Steve’s lips back to his, wrapping his arms around his neck. Giving him the signal he was done talking for now. That he needed him this way right now. Steve had always understood this. He was good like that.

Now he had that beautiful, possessive look he got whenever Bucky said that. Ever since they’d first become lovers, in what was a lifetime ago, he’d gotten that look. Even when he was a skinny little punk. He was fiercely possessive of Bucky and that never scared him at all. Even then it had caused a heat inside him. A warmth that carried him through and made him defiantly loyal. Even when others tried to take it by force from him.

The wedding ring was just a symbol of what had always been there. The deep connection they could never break no matter how hard they tried. They belonged to each other and no one else.

“Yes.” Steve growled, a soft rumbling in his chest. The sound caused a whine to escape Bucky’s throat “All mine.”

His hands found Bucky’s hips, gripping them and pulling him against his own body. And then into him, causing another whine to escape Bucky’s lips. He felt the rest of the tension fall out of him. Along with any residual fear as well. The feeling of being claimed again was all he needed right now.

Bucky’s hands clutched Steve’s back like manacles, scratching and clawing as he grinded against him. Meeting Steve’s thrusts with ones of his own. Moans and growls, born of love and desire came forth from him and he fell into it.

And if anyone was watching, he didn’t give a shit. Not in the slightest.

\--

Steve leaned his back against the side of the window, with Bucky rested comfortably against his shoulder. His left arm was wrapped around his waist, and he was covered by a quilt. Steve nuzzled his face into Bucky’s brown hair and smiled at the feel of it. He was glad he was relaxed, without the use of a sedative. Although he could tell just by looking at him that his eyes were open, staring out the window he was currently facing.

“You don’t have to watch you know?” He said into his hair. “You need to rest.”

He saw Bucky lift his eyes, which reflected some mid-afternoon sunlight beautifully. “I’m not watching punk.” He told him, getting more comfortable against Steve’s shoulder. “I’m just checking.”

Steve chuckled at that. “It’s the same thing jerk.”

He brushed his hair with his hand and nuzzled his face back into it, taking a deep inhale of it. He loved doing that after sex. There was something about the way Bucky always smelled after that he felt intoxicated by. Wasn’t sure if it was his sweat or just pheromones, but whatever it was he loved it. His other arm just sort of trailed over his body under the quilt, running over territory that the primal part of his mind said was his exclusively his. It was why the thought of that man out there filled him with such pure rage.

He’d laid hands on him in ways that had made him scared and uncomfortable. And although Bucky hadn’t specifically said it, had likely done more. Just like that other bastard. The urge to hurt them had only grown. Complied with the letter he’d received, that rage had reached dangerous levels in him.

That coupled with being worried about Bucky in general made his own nerves a little frayed, and he was glad they’d given themselves a bit of a tension release. He smiled to himself thinking about how that was a thing for them a lot, providing pleasure, comfort and relief.

“Maybe you’re the one that needs to get some sleep.” Bucky said out loud, rousing him from his thoughts. “Not just me.”

Steve sighed and looked out the window as well. “I’m fine don’t worry about me.”

“Like hell you are.” Bucky said, sitting up and swinging his leg over Steve’s to sit on his lap. “You’ve had to take care of me the last few days and I know you’re tired.” He put a metal finger to his lips as if anticipating a protest. “Concern goes both ways punk so don’t give this huffy ‘I’m fine’ crap you got that?”

Steve wrapped his hand around that metal wrist, feeling the segments move like a normal wrist. Bucky controlled it without even thinking about it, like it was a normal hand. It was something beautifully unique about him, and he loved pressing his lips to that metal and just trailing his fingers over the metal, which wasn’t cold like normal metal either. It was smooth and warm and he just loved the feel of it against his own skin. And his lips too.

But he was right, Steve was feeling it, in so many ways and it was exhausting. The fact that Bucky could see that wasn’t surprising.

“You’re still so protective of me.” He whispered as he kissed each other fingers. “That’s so adorable.”

“It’s my job punk.” Bucky replied, his flesh hand combing through Steve’s hair. “I take it very seriously.”

He smiled at that. “Your job?”

“Yeah it is.” Bucky reiterated, getting more comfortable on Steve’s lap. “I promised your mom I’d keep you out of trouble.” He leaned closer and pressed their heads together, a smile of remembrance on his face. “Thankfully I’m hard, dedicated worker huh?”

He couldn’t remember how many scraps Bucky had dragged him out of, how many times he’d protected him. He remembered in Siberia when Bucky was beat to shit, had just lost his arm again and still found the strength to try and protect him when Tony was out of his mind. When he said the end of the line, he goddamn meant it Steve knew.

“To a fault.” He said, wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky’s head to fist his hair gently. “Not that you have many of those.”

“Oh shut up.” Bucky replied, scoffing a little. “I got alot faults you’re just biased.”

“Mmmhmm.” He answered, pulling his lips to his kiss him again. “I sure am.”

He gripped his hair tight, holding his lips to his as he could do a thorough job of it. Tasting his lips and tongue, savoring them, his other hand rubbing that bare hip under the blanket. He would never get enough of kissing and touching him. Ever. After the time they’d lost, these last few years together had been a blessing, even if it had been difficult at times. Like now. They were together and he’d be damned if anyone was going to take that away from him now.

Suddenly feeling emotional, Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky and buried his face into that spot where flesh met metal, nuzzling the scar tissue on his shoulder. He heard Bucky sigh softly and bury his face in Steve’s hair. He felt those same metal fingers on the back of his neck and just held him tighter to him, sitting like that on the sill, the quilt pooling around Bucky’s waist as the sun shone down on both of them.

Bucky seemed to sense something in him. “You alright punk?” He asked into his hair, voice filling with concern.

He was still thinking about what Bucky said, and what he didn’t say. About that horrible letter he didn’t tell him about. And the fear he felt when he realized Bucky wasn’t in the house last night. About finding him out there like that, confused and lost. He had so much fear and anger about this intrusion into their lives and a need to protect what was his. It made him tired but determined at the same time.

“I was just thinking about much I love you jerk.” He told him, nuzzling his shoulder some more. “That’s all.”

“Oh is that all?” Bucky answered, pulling back with his hands on Steve’s face, studying him. “I get the feeling its more than that.” His eyes bore into him a little harder. “I know that look.”

Steve decided to play dumb on that. “What look is that?”

“That one that says you got shit on your mind you’re not telling me.” Bucky replied, looking sternly at him. “Just spill it.”

He was kind of annoyed that Bucky was putting him on the spot like this, but then again, he’d be hypocritical if he got too mad about it. Because he’d done the same thing himself. They were both guilty of holding back information sometimes it seemed.

Sighing heavily, he reached down to where his pants were and pulled the letter out of the pocket. He saw Bucky look at him doing this curiously at first, but with looked like growing dread as well. He didn’t want to show it to him, didn’t want to make a bad situation worse but he also realized they both needed to armed with as much information as possible if they were going to fight this together.

Bucky’s eyes locked on it even more. “What the hell is that?”

“I found this with the mail today.” He told him reluctantly, still holding the letter in his hands. “I didn’t want to show it to you but.. “

Bucky took it out of his hand and sat back on his ankles as he opened the envelope. He watched his face as he read it, remembering some of the terrible implications written in it. The line _our relationship ended badly but I forgive him for that.._ and of course, the veiled threats inside as well. He saw the paper shake as Bucky’s hands trembled holding it. He also saw the way his pupils dilated as he read it over and over, as if not believing what he was seeing. He knew it was the final nail to acceptance for him.

The metal fingers of his left hand twitched, and his eyes took on a darker cast. One Steve recognized.

The Winter Soldier was there, right out front now. Sharing the space because right now he was needed. Seeing that letter had been shock to Bucky’s system and he regretted showing him now. But he would’ve have regretted if he hadn’t. There was no good choice here. That asshole hadn’t left him with any and Steve knew that was part of his sick game too.

He was messing with them both and it worked.

“Bucky?” He asked, putting his hands on his shoulders. “Are you okay?” His hand went to his face and held it steadily. “Please talk to me.”

Bucky looked at him with that flat look, pupils still dilated. “I remember now.”

“Remember what?” Steve asked, full of dread at the answer.

Bucky’s eyes, Winter Soldier eyes, icy yet determined, looked into Steve’s as he held that damned thing hi his hands. “Everything.” He told him. “I remember everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did not necessarily move the plot, it was more of a mood chapter and it does really set up the next few which will get heavier in terms of angst and danger level. Because there is danger here, a direct threat leveled not just at Bucky but at Steve and that's where that letter comes in. 
> 
> I wanted it to be sort of Bucky's initial denial over the reality of the situation, slowing eroding in face of the evidence. And then that leads to the fear and paranoia that he starts to feel. The inability to go down the stairs being a good example of this. The fact that he is literally being stalked, may have been for a while without literally brings him back to that hyper-alert state of mind he was in after he left Hydra, this person is upending the sense of safety he has even in his own home and this will play out further as we go along. I like how it evolved into anger and defiance as well, especially when you consider the window scene when he's basically like 'fuck it' so he goes through a myriad of emotions in this chapter, even though it's light on action it moves Bucky's mentally forward from the initial shock of it all. 
> 
> Steve drugging him might be a bit controversial, and like Steve I had to weight the idea that sometimes you gotta override someone like that for their own good. It's a grey area morally and I don't recommend but Steve, unlike the Hydra people, wasn't doing it for his own benefit or to get anything from Bucky. And he he sure as hell didn't take advantage of it either. It is a moral grey area though. And it certainly hits Bucky the wrong way initially for understandable reasons, but at the end he gets it, even if he is pissed about it. Knowing if the situation was reversed he'd do the same thing. 
> 
> The idea of mutual protection is a big part of their relationship, and Bucky getting to see that letter sort of wakes him to the idea that Steve is in danger too and that is going to be huge. Because its causing him to wake up the Winter Soldier again in his head, because he needs him right now. But he has much more control over that duality than he had before and that's a very important distinction. 
> 
> The nature of the 'relationship' between Bucky and Kovalev is hinted at but not outright said just yet for good reason. It was very much one-sided obviously but Bucky has good reason to be afraid to talk about it too. Just like what happened with the other man as well (which was revealed in the previous fic), there were abuses and liberties that occurred that may require a few additional tags. More details will emerge in the next chapter and I will tag accordingly as needed. 
> 
> The next chapter will up the ante on things, because Bucky might be on the edge of an uprising now that he is armed with more information and things could get dicey as a result. There's a potential for some full on Winter Soldier action here if it means protecting what's his. Namely Steve so there's your preview for the next few, and I'm very looking forward to writing that :)
> 
> Thank you for the comments and suggestions, I love the feedback and it really helps steer some elements, because my writing is very organic and it always end up where i think it does, so you all are interactively part of it for me too. So thank you <3<3<3


	12. Counter Strike

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork available on my Tumblr (frickss75 0n there too, The Diary of a Mad Fangirl for whoever is interested)

It wasn’t necessarily a retreat, more like a relinquishing of control. For some reason this gave Bucky some relief as well, because the intensity of the feelings he was having was scary. He needed help, the controlled calmness of the Soldier’s influence in the face of the new knowledge he’d just received.

It wasn’t a total split though, Bucky was aware of what was going on, but he wasn’t in the driver’s seat. He was a passenger and that was okay too.

Because he was scared, but more than that, he was angry. Dangerously so.

Just reading that letter, seeing the direct threat to Steve in it between the lines. The insinuation of a prior relationship had been enough to bring that old rage to the forefront again. That red-colored emotion that had taken over on a couple of occasions in that hellhole. That had resulted in brutal retribution on more than one occasion.

Such as the ‘the end of the relationship’ as the man had alluded. Like it was a mutual thing.

_That piece of shit _he’d thought to himself. _I should’ve finished the job._

_We will finish it.. _the Soldier’s voice replied in his head._ Together._

“Bucky?” Steve’s voice said out loud, cutting into his thoughts. “Soldier?”

_Steve wants answers_ he spoke in his head again. _I can’t do it.. and I can’t put him off. Can you?_

_We will tell him.._

If anyone could’ve heard had heard this spoken aloud, they might have locked him up. He was essentially talking to himself. But he needed the help. Often he would internally conversations with his other half, especially since they’d merged together and were reconnected. But it still made him feel a little crazy sometimes. Amelia had told him it wasn’t that unusual, in fact a lot of people did it, he just had a name for the other voice is all.

“it’s both of us.” He answered finally, sitting back on his ankles a bit, legs still straddling his legs. “But then against it’s not.”

Steve looked confused at this for a moment. “Which one are you right now?” He asked, lifting a hand to Bucky’s face. “Who am I talking to?”

Bucky looked at Steve as if he was memorizing his face, knowing he had to fade for a few minutes. To lick his wounds and recover from the shock of full acceptance. From the memories that overwhelmed his senses. He slid back a little, allowing the other to come forward more. The one who could tell the story without breaking down, without the hesitation and fear that could come with it. He knew it was just him, that it wasn’t a completely different person, but it was just easier to compartmentalize like this. So he stepped back and observed.

“He was the Colonel.” The voice of the Soldier said out loud, his eyes looking into Steve’s intently. “The man who was outside. Who came back for us.” His eyes shifted slightly in thought. “Who came back for me.”

Steve’s eyes seemed to soften even more at the sight of Bucky’s other half, the sometimes dormant part. And Bucky, observing this, felt that pang of irrational jealously over this, knowing Steve’s attachment to the Soldier. He knew it was stupid, it was still him, but it always made him feel like there was a competitor for Steve’s affections right in his own head. The way he’d felt around Peggy at one time, that insecurity he’d had even then. He stuffed it back and just let the Soldier have his time, not wanting the other to sense it.

The Soldier for his part noticed it a little, and didn’t always understand it, they were one but yet the feelings that Bucky sometimes had were still confusing to him. He was starting to realize and understand certain feelings though, like Bucky’s revulsion at having to perform ‘certain’ tasks. Ones that hadn’t physically hurt and avoided punishment with the blue light, but Bucky had hated just the same. One the Soldier had merged with his other half and got to experience thing called ‘intimacy’ with Steve, he’d started to understand.

Those things were hurting him too, in different ways.

He understood because once Steve had started touching him like that, the hands of the others in his memory felt repellant by comparison. Gave him a strange, dirty feeling when he thought of it. t was such a stunning revelation that had helped complete their merge and mutual healing.

“Can you tell me about this Colonel?” Steve asked, his hand stroking the Soldier’s face. “So we can help him.”

The feel of that hand was felt by both and it was so soft, so far from the others. The Soldier loved that touch just as much as Bucky did. Was glad Bucky was letting him experience it all too. That Bucky had freed him from his dark prison. That they continue to help other now.

He nodded softly and continued to stare into his eyes. “The Colonel was a bad man.. maybe worse than the other.” The Soldier said, letting his own memory doors open. “We didn’t know it at first but we found out…”

_The Colonel was in charge of it all. All the training for Winter Soldier after he was scheduled to be pulled from the ice. They had needed to wait almost a decade to ensure no one was still searching for Sergeant Barnes anymore. Once they were sure they pulled him out and assigned a group of about a dozen men to stay in the bunker in Siberia to train and indoctrinate him. _

(some this was information Bucky had found while in hiding and was stored in memory banks the Soldier informed Steve as they sat there at the window)

_The Colonel was witness to the worst of the torture and abuse of the prisoner. Which got more brutal as time had gone on. As cabin fever had set in and the men in the ranks were taking it out on the one person they could. Not that the prisoner wasn’t being difficult mind you. He was hell on them, even after being locked in dark solitary room for long periods of time. Even after being drugged and sleep-deprived. Starved and dehydrated. There was a part of him that was still defiant enough to keep fighting them. The pain increased, especially the electro-shock, which the prisoner grew afraid of but more was needed. So the Colonel assigned his most brutal men to do whatever they had to make him ‘behave’._

_The Soldier felt no need to rehash that particular method of attack, it had already been well-covered how the man in the boots, on the Colonel’s chief lieutenants, had upped it a notch with a particular effective brand of torture that at least got him to be more obedient. A snap of the fingers and a grab of the hair and he was obedient lapdog, that that man used for his own sadistic pleasure. _

_And the Colonel observed this. Saw it all and seemed to become very attached his prisoner as a result. _

_On the fateful day in which the prisoner, who was on his way to becoming their coveted Winter Soldier, finally fought back and killed the worse abusers in the torture room, a new phase had began. The indoctrination. Training and conditioning. Honing the barely contained rage in the Soldier, who was like a feral animal in many ways. Who had to continue to be controlled and focused. _

_That where the chain came in. ‘A choke chain for a dog’ as the Colonel called. Because that’s exactly what it was. The more he pulled, the tighter it got. So he would gradually learn not to fright. The Colonel would hold it while he was training him. The languages, forced repetition over and over again, with a pull of a chain or the blue light to the temple to ensure he remembered it. And the physical training. Teaching new ways to kill. Efficient ways. In which other prisoners, shipped over from the gulag, were used as test subjects. _

_The Soldier was a quick learner. Pain was a good motivator as well. Order came from pain as they always said ad nauseam. _

_But this wasn’t the only thing. The Winter Soldier was the Colonel’s prize possession in his own mind. Sometimes he’d hold him on the chain and have sit on the floor in front of him. And he’d pet him. His hair, his shoulders, back. Everywhere. Both Bucky and the Winter felt repelled by this touch but while the former, protested weakly deep inside, the latter, while not caring for it, didn’t fight back because it didn’t hurt. Not a way the Soldier understood at that time. _

_He understood now. _

“Bucky didn’t like that touch.” He explained to Steve. “Just like he didn’t like what the other man did, even though it didn’t hurt.” He scrunched his face as he thought about it. “But it didn’t feel anything like way you touch us.”

He saw the look of relief on Steve’s face at that, mixed with pain and anger. The Soldier was understanding now that one didn’t have to be physically hurt to be in pain and it made him reach out to Steve as if to try to ease it a bit. He and Bucky both doing it at the same time. He put his hands on Steve’s face with a sad look of his own.

“It’s okay.” Steve told him. “I’m okay, you can continue if you want.”

The Soldier felt a strange reluctance to continue, knowing it was hurting Steve to know this as it was. But knew he had to continue. And he had to tell him what happened outside as well. The thing that Bucky could not remember, because he wasn’t there.

_The tail end of the training, what still clear that was, before he was finally sent out to fufill his duties, was the gradual growing of the individual personality that was the Winter Soldier. The Colonel kept telling him how important he would be. That he was a perfectly made machine and that they would ‘change the world’ with him. He usually talked like this while stripping him of the clothing he was given and running his hands all over him. One of them holding the chain to pull on if he sensed non-compliance._

_“My perfect Soldat.” He whisper in his ear from behind. “You are all mine.”_

_The Winter Soldier had not understood what was happening to him then, to him it was just more training. Never thought of it as terrible compared to what the other had done. The other had used the blue light in awful ways to hurt but this one wasn’t really hurting him. Was he? It didn’t hurt like that one had. Where he was curled up and whimpering in pain. It just felt weird. _

_But Steve had taught him something different much later. _

_Bucky, who had been dormant in his head, was angry though, and the Soldier had tried to hold him down but once again couldn’t. He had heard that other voice in his head saying it’s not supposed to be like this.. that there was someone else who didn’t need a chain and the chair to control him. _

_Bucky, once again, was the one who lashed out. _

Bucky himself was finally able to flip back into the front now, finally finding the ability to talk again. They had switched so seamlessly it was barely noticeable and suddenly it was him talking again.

“I came out and grabbed his knife and stabbed him with it.” Bucky told him, demonstrating with his hand even though he didn’t have to. “Not in a precise way like I was taught.. but in that angry way when you just want something to stop.”

Kills in anger were not part of the Winter Soldiers behavior. His were precise and impersonal. Any aggravation on his part was the underlying part of his personality, Bucky, who would appear and lash out in those situations. Even at someone like Steve. Because at certain point he didn’t have clear memories of anyone. The Soldier was his only true ally and he protected him as much he was protected by him. And he had to protect him then. It was just instinct at that point.

“I had to protect him.” Bucky continue as he looked down at his hands. “Because he didn’t know..”

Steve put his hand on his face. “What didn’t he know Buck?”

“That he was still being hurt.” He answered, biting his lip softly. “That part of me only understood physical pain you know?” He once again wrapped his forearms around Steve for comfort. “He didn’t understand there were other ways to be hurt so he’d let them.. He’d do anything to avoid the blue light.” He swallowed hard. “Nothing hurt like that.. you don’t understand pain until you feel that.. it’s like being cooked, you can smell your own flesh burning.”

Just the thought of that made both parts of his mind shiver and want to retreat. The feel of it coursing through your body, causing so much pain that all you can do is scream and throw up. No matter where they hit you with it, on the temple or.. other places it had the same effect. It obliterated all rational thought into a white madness of pain that you would do anything to avoid.

Sometimes he’d generated static electricity in the house, from the carpet, the blanket, even petting the cat, and he’d get that little jolt and for a brief moment he was back there and wanting to throw up. He occasionally did. It was an awful feeling that couldn’t be described unless you’d experienced it. He’d talked to vets at the VA who’d been POW’s and some of them knew exactly what he what he was talking about he’d found out.

“I had to protect him because he was like a child in that way.” He continued to explain. “He’d let them do anything as long as they didn’t hurt him like that. Anything to him was better than that.” He scrunched his face, trying to stuff it back just how much it all hurt to think about. “So I took care of it.. made sure he’d never do it again.” His got a hard, dark look at that thought. “He bled and screamed a lot and.. we got punished for it but.. I’m not sorry.”

He had not only stabbed but disfigured him as well. Some extra-curricular rage like he’d done with other one too. On both occasions he was fighting back against everything and hadn’t known until now just how much rage had built up in him by that point. He had needed the Winter Soldier to keep that down and under control, which he did. It was channeled properly but reared its ugly head occasionally. Usually when old memories flared-up in his head.

“What happened outside?” Steve asked, his hand still on his face, brushing his hair a little. “Was that you or the Soldier?”

Bucky felt his own eyes darken a little at that. A physical manifestation of the shifting in this head. The answer to that was obvious. Because he still didn’t remember it clearly. “It was him.” Bucky said simply. “He was protecting me this time.” His grip on Steve’s arm tightened. “Because I would’ve torn him u[ right now the street.”

Both Steve’s hands were on his face now holding it steady. “Can he tell me what happened?”

Bucky felt tired, sleepy and leaned his head against Steve’s. He didn’t want to talk anymore. And neither did the other half actually. The Soldier felt it too, wrapping the metal arm tight around Steve’s arm. Wanting comfort himself. It felt weird and disorientating to think dually like this. Not to mention exhausting. The torn, conflicted mind made the eyes close as the body leaned more into Steve’s.

“Not now.” Both sides said in unison. “Tired.”

“Okay.” They heard Steve whisper in their shared ear, penetrating that tired mind with his soothing, comforting tone. “Just rest.. I got you.”

He climbed into Steve’s lap a little more, resting his achy head on his shoulder and allowed his body to relax in Steve’s arms. Both sides of his head taking comfort from this. From the only arms he ever wanted around him. The only one he ever wanted to touch him.

“We love you.” He whispered softly as he drifted off. “Our Steve.”

\--

He wasn’t alarmed by Bucky’s sudden tiredness again. Back when this happened before he was usually tired. He used to joke that it was a lot of work thinking for two people, trying to keep it light in spite of the direness of the situation. So he let him ret right there on his shoulder.

Steve pulled the blanket over him, seeing as how he was still unclothed. Not just to keep him warm but as measure of protection too. Remembering Bucky’s words earlier.

_“I think he was watching us.. on the couch..” _

The idea of that had angered and disturbed Steve then, but even more so now, as he was armed with a lot more information about Kovalev, whom the Soldier called ‘The Colonel’. Such as the obsessive behavior he’d showed toward the Winter Soldier. The claim of ownership. And the insinuation of even more sexual abuse, which the Soldier had hinted at without being specific. It made the statement about their ‘relationship’ all that much more revolting to Steve the more he thought about that letter.

_He didn’t understand there were other ways to be hurt so he’d let them.. He’d do anything to avoid the blue light.”_

It was why the Soldier hadn’t mentioned it before. The first time he’d told him about Bucky’s torture at the hands of the other man. He’d never mentioned this one. Had just said ‘things had been done’ to get him ready for the Winter Soldier. Steve wondered what had made him realize its importance now. It was a question he wanted to ask. But wasn’t sure the right way to ask it.

Seeing the Winter Soldier again after all this time, on his own, was a jolt that had brought up all kinds of conflicted feelings. Ones of love and longing but also the worry about the fact that Bucky’s mind was doing this again, just in a different way now. He’d had a major shock over the last few days and Steve supposed he was simply reacting to the re-opening of this trauma and coped in his usual way. Just the sheer shock of seeing that man again. Who apparently was supposed to dead but wasn’t.

_So I took care of it.. made sure he’d never do it again. He bled and screamed a lot and.. we got punished for it but.. I’m not sorry.” _

Steve had remembered the hard look in his eyes, almost savage. Swearing there was a ghost of mad smile there. The implication wasn’t lost on him. He’d mangled the man severely but yet he hadn’t died, and Steve was wondering not only how that was possible, but that Kovalev looked almost the same as he did then. Wondering if the DNA from the blood on the knife would shed some light on that.

He felt Bucky shift in his arms a little, wrapping his flesh one tighter around Steve’s waist. He nuzzled his lips into his brown hair and looked out the window warily, down onto the street. Searching it, looking for a sign of that bastard. His eyes scanned the snow-covered, which was now reflecting afternoon sunshine as said sun was on its downward arc.

There were people there, waiting at a light to cross and among them Steve swore he saw him, just staring up at the window from across the street. Even at this distance he could see the wicked smile on his face.

He gripped Bucky a little tighter in his arms, protectively.

A pedestrian crossed in from of the man slowly and when he finally cleared the view he was gone. Just like that. Like a ghost. Steve should not have been surprised by this. Bucky possessed a similar skill of disappearing and Steve had an idea of who he’d learned it from.

He felt an urge to check the security system.

But instead he elected to nuzzle Bucky’s hair again softly before resting his chin on his head. He felt Bucky’s body shift a little as if getting more comfortable and looked down to see his eyes opening , smile appearing on his face as he flicked his eyes up at Steve.

“Welcome back gorgeous.” He said to him, putting his uneasiness out of his mind for a moment. “How’d you sleep.”

“Pretty good.” Bucky admitted, nuzzling his lips against Steve’s neck cutely. “You always make a great pillow punk.”

“Oh is that all I’m good for?”

Bucky grinned, nipping him a little in a playful way. “Well that and a few other things.”

Steve got a little bit of a hold of Bucky’s hair and tipped his head up to kiss him, feeling an intense need to do so. Maybe it was the heaviness of their conversation, or possibly what he thought he saw on the street. Or a combination of both probably. Whatever is was he just needed to kiss him breathless, almost like reaffirming a claim. Not that he needed to. The way Bucky moaned and skated his metal fingers over Steve’s bare chest as they got more into it was more than enough proof, causing him to grip his hair tighter as a result.

“Dammit punk.’ Bucky said breathlessly, his looking dazed as he finally pulled back. “You almost sucked my brain right out my mouth there.”

He rubbed his nose against Bucky’s. “Didn’t hear you complaining jerk.”

“Maybe but…it is kinda hard to talk when your tongues in my throat.” Bucky teased back. “Lucky for you I happen to like it there.” He hooded his eyes saucily. “And lots of other places too.”

Steve raised an eyebrow at that. Loving how Bucky jumped so easily into flirting even after a difficult confession. He supposed he was just another way he coped with it all. And there really was nothing wrong with that. You can’t stay depressed and fearful all the time. You had to live too.

But he still wanted to check on him just the same. “You okay?” He asked, letting his fingers combed through Bucky’s hair comfortingly. “I mean after earlier.”

“Yeah.. I guess.” Bucky answered, seeming to search himself internally. “Okay as I can be considering I’m losing my mind again. “

Steve shook his head, not having this at all. “You’re not losing your mind Buck.” He told him adamantly, his hands on his face. “You’re just having a hard time that’s all.”

“It’s a little more than a hard time Steve.” Bucky protested, leaning more into him. “I mean what happened earlier..”

“Listen to me you are being stalked.” Steve attempted to explain to him. “And you’re scared.. that’s why this is happening.”

“I’m not fucking scared Steve I’m pissed off!” Bucky replied angrily. “He thinks he owns me, an it’s like he’s doing this to unhinge me.” He seemed to grip Steve’s shoulders almost painfully now. “I worked too damn hard for this. For you, for our home, for my damn sanity just for him to try and upend it all.”

He knew Bucky was scared, he could tell. The anger was good and healthy but also a mask for the deep fear he had of regressing and losing everything he’d worked so damn hard for. He could see that terror in his eyes, just below the anger and just pulled on his heart something terrible.

So he just pulled him into his arms and hugged him tight to him, feeling Bucky stiffen for a moment before relenting and putting his own arms around Steve. He buried his face in Steve’s shoulder as if hiding it. To mask all the pain he was in. Steve wrapped his hand around the back of his and just held him like that.

“I know.” He whispered into his hair. “I know.”

“I can’t let them take any more from me.” Bucky said into his shoulder, his voice sounding a bit chocked. “They’ve already so damn much as it is.”

Steve just nodded and continued to stroke his hair, silently vowing that if he had a chance, he would end this. If that handsy bastard got close to Bucky again he would regret it. Right now, he just settled for holding him like this and comforting him as best he could. His other hand flat on his back and rubbing it softly as well, doing his best to calm him.

It wasn’t long before the comfort turned into some more kissing and touching, Bucky climbing on him more, urging his hands to explore. To calm him even more. Bucky sitting above him slightly gave him ample room to lavish some attention on his neck while his hands moved over Bucky’s back and squeezed his ass softly, eliciting a soft whine and a bit of back-scratching. It was just sort of a soft, sweet make-out session with no real rush and they lost themselves in this mutual comfort for a while.

They both jumped a little when the phone rang in the pocket of Steve’s discarded pants. Reaching down irritably to look at it. But when he saw it was Sam, his eyes widened, having a feeling what this was about.

“We got some results back from the knife.” Sam said over the phone, not wasting time with pleasantries. “You guys are gonna want to come down here.”

Steve looked over at Bucky’s whose eyes were wide with interest. And something else as well. Something not quite readable to Steve yet. “We’ll be there.” He told him on the phone and hung up to look at Bucky. “We gotta go.”

Bucky looked surprised. “We?”

“Yeah we.” He told him, giving him a quick kiss.. “If you think I’m leaving you alone right then you really are crazy.”

Steve noticed a slightly fearful look on Bucky’s face. Like he didn’t want to, but at the same time a determined one as well. “Okay.” He nodded, backing off out of Steve’s arms and grabbing his clothes. “Get we should get dressed then.”

He nodded himself but took the time to appreciate the sight of Bucky pulling his clothes on. The way the remaining sun lit up his still flushed skin, and the way his muscles moved as he pulled his shirt over his head. It was beautiful sight and he stopped in the middle of getting dressed himself to take it in.

“Damn punk.” Bucky mused as his pulled his head through his t-shirt, absently pulling out his tags as did before doing a model hair flip. “You’d think you’d never seen me naked before.”

Steve smiled and slide his arm around him, unable to resist. “Well I can’t help it I mean look at you.” He whispered, their lips just barely touching. “Your breathtaking.”

“You’re such a sap.” Bucky answered with a twinkle in his eye.

“Yeah but you’re crazy about me jerk.” He told him as he leaned into kiss him. “Just admit it.”

“Mmmhmm.” Bucky murmured. “Just shut up and kiss me you idiot.”

Steve pulled him closer and did both. Never wanting to stop or let him go. So once again he took his time.

\--

Bucky sat there, holding Arya in her little harness, feeling irritated. It felt they were talking around him, not to him. He hated that feeling to be honest. It reminded him of being in the chair, the way they’d talk as if he wasn’t there.

It had been hell just getting himself downstairs. No matter how much he wanted to pretend he wasn’t scared the truth was he was petrified. It had been a long time since he’d had a bout of agoraphobia like this, well over a year to be precise, but when it happened it could be crippling and it was all Steve could do just to lure him down the stairs. Which he finally did. Bucky mused that people made fun of this shit sometimes but didn’t know just how difficult it was to overcome it.

The minute he’d gotten to the railing he was gripping it so tight his right hand was cramped. Everything seemed bright and out of focus and his heart was hammering in chest. He commanded himself to breathe, but was only when he picked up the cat again he was able to do it.

Once step at a time until he was finally down there. But his eyes kept flicking to the window just the same.

“Where we going again?” He’d asked, eating a piece of fruit without much enthusiasm.

“The compound.” He was told. “They got something off your knife.”

Bucky winced slightly, his memory on that still hazy. “Oh..” He mused. “I guess that’s good.”

“I wouldn’t drag you out there but.” Steve started and then brushed some of his hair away from his face. “I don’t think leaving you alone is a good idea.”

Bucky couldn’t help but feel it was an insinuation that he couldn’t look after himself. Knowing that it wasn’t true, that Steve was just being protective. But that didn’t change the feeling of being treated like a child. And the truth was, although he couldn’t admit openly, he really didn’t want to be left alone either. He felt the fear at a high level again.

He did have one request upon leaving though.

“She’s coming with us.” He told Steve, motioning to Arya. “I’m not leaving her alone in the house while that psycho is nearby.”

“Bucky we have a security system.”

He shook his head. “She goes or I don’t.” He said with a hard look in his eyes. “You don’t know these people like I do.”

Steve sighed. “Fine.” He agreed, scratching her head as sat on Bucky’s lap. “Just keep her on the leash.” He smiled a little as if recalling something. “I don’t wanna hear from Tony about how expensive the rug is again.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that. “Whatever.”

He had remembered watching out the car window, watching for tell-tale signs of a tail. He had, after all, been trained hard, and brutally, to be on alert at all times. Not just from Hydra but also in the Army too. It was a habit that had been dormant for a while now but was back in full force.

“He’s not following us Buck.”

“You don’t know that.” He corrected him, watching out the window. “You don’t know him.”

His metal hand was taken and held. “I’m worried about you.”

Bucky looked over and saw that he was. With good reason. He was losing it all over again. Reverting back to the way he’d been before. Even though there was a part of himself that said he’d made tons of progress, the fear and doubt were overtaking his mind again.

“Yeah me too.” He’d answered and fell silent for the rest of the ride.

Now here he was sitting here, listening to other people discuss what to do about his problem. It was pissing him off. This lack of control over himself and his life. He barely listening to half of what the others were saying, just scanning the room absently when the meat of the conversation finally came out and his ears perked up.

“The blood analysis was positive for being his.” Tony had said, pulling up the results on a pretty cool looking hologram. “We matched it to Hydra records.. yaaay for us. But here’s the interesting part.. it’s the composition of the blood that got Bruce’s attention.”

“And what was so interesting about that?” Sam asked, his arms crossed.

“It has similar properties to Barnes blood apparently.” Banner piped in from the other side of the room. “They must’ve used his synthesized blood in multiple transfusions.”

There was a collective startled look from all who weren’t in the know, especially with Bucky who tried to take a moment to comprehend this information. There was so much to contemplate that his mind couldn’t quite handle it and he felt a headache stab his head causing a wince. And something else as well.

A shadow of a memory again.

_“Your blood is in me Soldat.. the voice of the man he knew as the Colonel echoed in his head. “We are one..” _

“Wait are you saying they took his blood and used on themselves?” Steve asked incredulously.

“It’s what it looks like.. would explain the longevity.” Bruce explained. “Do you remember them taking it?”

Bucky was so lost in his own head he didn’t register at first that he was being spoken to. Memories flashing in his head of tubes taking fluid out of him, as well as putting it into him. He struggled to look at these but, like most of his memories of the procedures they’d done, they were hazy with sedative and bordered with terrible pain. He could feel the ghost of it his left shoulder.

He must’ve looked pale because Steve and the others seemed concerned. Even Arya pawed his face a little. “Bucky?” Steve asked, putting his hands on his face. “You okay.”

“Yeah I just.. need some water.” He said and looked over at the others. “I don’t really remember anything.. per usual.”

He was lying, because it was all he could think to do. Truth was, he was on the edge pf another memory. And he didn’t want people to know about it. Didn’t want those staring eyes. Or even Steve’s worried ones. He was getting tired of being this mess. Unable to even go down his own stairs, which several days ago hadn’t been a problem. He’d been better, well on his way to a rise in his recovery and now the rug had been pulled out and he was a mess again.

He was pissed off about this. About ready to erupt.

“You sure that’s all it is?”

Bucky glared at Steve. “Yeah I’m sure.” He said in a low, warning voice. “Drop it.”

Steve looked behind him for a minute, seeing everyone seem to busy themselves in that annoying way people do when they are trying not to look at a potential fight breaking out. Bucky didn’t care about that., didn’t give shit about appearances.

“I know you’re upset but not now okay?” Steve asked, giving him a steady glare back.

“What are you gonna do punk?” He asked with an edge in his voice. “Drug me again to make me behave?”

“Relax.” Steve responded calmly, ignoring the insinuation for proprieties sake, with irritated Bucky more. “We’ll talk about this later.”

He was angry, perceiving a dismissal but kept it in check, shifting Arya in his arm. But part of him was wondering why he was getting so pissy at Steve for simply being concerned. And he was realizing it was his lack of control over this situation. Everyone else was sort of steering the ship for him lately. Steve. His doctors. Even his friends. He knew it was all to help him but he was starting to resent it. Hating that he needed that kind of help when he’d gotten to the point of independence only to have this asshole show up and upend him.

And he thought bitterly, that was exactly what that bastard wanted. To create this discord. And he was very successful at it seemed.

“Fine.” He answered and then looked at the others, almost as if he was dismissing Steve for a moment. “So how does any this help us find him?”

Unfortunately, it didn’t. And because he wasn’t technically an Avenger, it felt like he wasn’t in the planning. He knew Steve didn’t exclude him deliberately, but he was in a mood. His emotions were wacky, up and down and right now he just irritated by the whole damn process. And there were those flashes of memory too, images of blood being taken on multiple occasion, interspersed with what he thought might have been memory recovery from last night.

_“We are entwined..You and me .” _

That feeling of filth at being touched again went through him, making him want to scrub himself clean again. He did his best to keep his poker face on, hearing the other voices in the room almost like a buzzing background noise. He could feel Arya rub her face into his neck, her whiskers tickling his skin. It kept him grounded in the now.

_The snow was falling lightly around him as he stood in from the man he’d known as the Colonel. The Soldier was mostly in charge, and Bucky was a passenger. But they both felt the same anger and revulsion at the proximity of this man to their body. _

_“My beautiful Soldat..” That voice said as the man sneered at him through the swirling snow. “How I’ve missed you.” _

_The feeling was not mutual. The Soldier gripped the knife tighter. “Leave now.” He said calmly though. He was always the calmer one of the two. “You are not welcome here.”_

_His hand had lifted the sleeve of his metal arm, even as the Soldier felt the revulsion, taking in the new star on it. “You replaced it.” He observed in reedy, slippery voice. “Pity, I like the red one better.” _

_Referring to the white star now on there no doubt. The Soldier had batted the arm away angrily. “You don’t get to touch me.” He’d hissed at him, the knife gripped tighter. “Not anymore.” _

_The Colonel sneered at him. “Looks to me like you simply traded one master for another Soldat.” _

_“He is not our master.” The Winter Soldier growled in return. “He loves us.” _

_“He is not worthy of you.” The Colonel responded. “You are wasted here.” _

_The Soldier just glared back at him, feeling his own anger. Steve was more worthy than he ever would be. “Go away and don’t come back.” _

_“I have your blood in me remember?” He was reminded. “I will never go away.” _

_His hand reached out again, touching his face and neck and the slimy feeling of that touch was enough in engage the defense mechanism. His metal arm swung out with the knife and slashed the arm that was touching him, causing blood to drip into the snow around them. _

_“Don’t…touch.. me..” He hissed, eyes blazing, holding the knife with his elbow bent, blade up. Indicating the next blow wouldn’t be glancing. “Leave…now..” _

_The Colonel held his arm, the blood seeping through his fingers, but looked almost proud. “I will for now.. but I will be back.” He spoke with confidence. “You will not escape me again.” _

_The Soldier had watched him like a hawk as he’d skulked away, concentrating to the point where he didn’t even notice how cold he was. Didn’t hear Steve say his name as he came out. He just watched the tracks fading away into the snow with the concentration of a watchmen. He had been trained well. By the man who’d just been in front of him._

Bucky flipped out this memory to the feel of a hand on his face again and flinched slightly before hearing Steve’s voice. “We’re going home.” He’d said and once Bucky’s eyes focused back on him, he’d seen the concern as well. “You okay?”

“Fine.” He said a little shortly. “Let’s go home.”

He didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to talk about anything. Was just done talking in general. It did no good anymore. Didn’t fix anything. He didn’t feel any better and the threat was still all around him. He could feel it on his skin, feel the feeling of being stalked by a monster yet again. Only this one wasn’t in his head this time. He was alive and a very real physical threat to them both.

And he’d stolen his blood, among the other things they’d taken. Used it like they’d used him.

As he was sitting in the car after, he was silently looking at the window at the now dark streets. Watching in his well-trained way. Especially as they got closer to home. His eyesight was great, always had been and he was looking once again, for any sign of his stalker. And trying to push back the memory that had dropped again unannounced and unwelcome.

The feeling that man’s hands touching him again. Making him feel sick inside.

And the anger in general at the situation. Making him feel like a powder keg. Ready to go off. Just wanted to suppress it all or it would blow up in a dangerous way. Quite possibly in the wrong direction. So when Steve asked for the tenth time if he was okay, he shut him down yet again.

“I said I was fine.” He told him, metal hand absently scratching Arya’s head.” “So let it go.”

Surprisingly Steve didn’t seem to want to argue with him about it. “Alright.” He answered as they pulled into the garage. “If you say so.”

When they got inside Bucky went upstairs without much word, didn’t really want to say anything right now, because he knew it would be the wrong thing. He changed into some workout clothes, just wanting to rip apart another punching bag if he could. Wanted to destroy something because he was feeling that dangerous right now. So he changed into a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and went downstairs again.

“I’ll be in the gym.” He told Steve as he passed him in the kitchen for the basement door. “Might be awhile.”

Steve just nodded, getting some supper ready. “Okay.” Was his reply. Simple, without any questions.

Bucky bit his lip at this, knowing what he doing and instead of being irritated by the lack of reaction, he felt a little sad. And mad at himself. Because Steve was being remarkably patient lately. When he was younger patience hadn’t been something he’d had a lot of, but he’d grown up so much in their time apart that now he was the stable one of the two. It was like they had reversed their roles in most ways and some ways that made him proud and in other ways it had made him sad.

He went down the stairs to the gym without further word and taped his right hand up as he sat on the bench. Looking at the new punching bag, which would be his latest victim. He had joked to Steve he should get stock in these because they had bought so many of them. Steve had laughed at that kissed his head cutely.

“I’d do anything for you.” He’d told him. “I got no problem spending tons of money on paint and punching bags jerk if it helps.”

As he stood in front of the bag, he thought about that. It was simple yet profound to him. Bucky had his own money, but Steve bought him a lot of those things that helped him. He did so much for him, and Bucky still felt he didn’t deserve it. Especially when he acted like had this afternoon.

When he was feeling scared and paranoid, his dander got up and it made him ornery. And Steve was always an easy target for that. Because he was there.

Speaking of feeling paranoid…

His eyes flicked to the windows, the half windows that existed in the gym, which was half underground. Seeing movement up there. Outside. It was simply someone walking their dog by the house. A woman by the looks of the boots. But the point was there just the same. People could see inside.

So he wanted them closed. Didn’t want anyone looking at him right now.

Especially a certain person.

So he walked over and pulled down all the shades, blocking him from view on the street. Once he was satisfied they were all closed he went back to the back and stretched. Thinking about the day. The last few actually.

That hissing voice in his head. _You belong to me.. We’re connected…_

The feel of those hands on him again. Making him feel dirty, ugly and used. And helpless as well. Remembering how that part of him had been trapped inside his head, feeling the feeling of being unable to do anything because he was too damn scared to come out. It made him feel helpless and not in control again. The way he’d felt on the inside all those years. The few times he’d peek out he’d be terribly hurt, so he learned to stay inside where it was safe. And the Winter Soldier kept him safe. He took the worst of it for him.

He felt all those things now, including a disgust with himself for the way he felt he was treating Steve, who most of the time was only trying to help him. And he kept fighting him and lashing out lately. When there was someone else out there who deserved it more.

As he thought about the Colonel and his gall to try to claim ownership again. To show up in his life and throw into tatters, he started punching the bag. Harder and harder, just beating the literal stuffing out of it. Feeling the surge of power in his arm that his anger always unleashed. That kinetic energy that seemed to flow all the way through his body when he got a good punch in. When the metal fist tore into the stuffing and pulled some out as hit it.

There was something satisfying in letting that rage out. And scary too. Because he knew how dangerous he was. But releasing it was better than holding it in he knew.

So he kept doing. Not aware that he was breathing raggedly. That his shoulder ached. Or that there were tears of rage in his eyes. He just blew it out of his system.

\--

Steve was worried about him but waited nearly an hour before checking on him. Wanting to give him time to decompress from earlier. He’d been difficult since they’d left the house. Hell since he’d come downstairs before they left. Steve understood that. He knew that when Bucky felt scared and out of control of things, he acted out like that.

So he’d been patient about it. Biting his tongue with a refusal to engage in front of the others. So he’d let it go then and given him the space he needed to work through what he was feeling right now.

But it was time to check on him.

He left the pan on the stove to stay warm and went downstairs. And found him beating the hell out of the punching bag. Not even normal precision punches but ones of anger and frustration. He could see, even from the angle he was at, that his face was red and that he was out of breath. And there wasn’t much left of the bag.

“Bucky?” He asked, coming closer. “Maybe it’s time to take a break.”

“I’m not done yet.” Bucky answered, taking another rip at the bag.

“I think you are.” He told him, coming closer. “You’re exhausted.”

Bucky scoffed at this, flipping some sweaty hair out of his face. “I’m fine.” He told him. “Not tired at all.”

He was covered in sweat and breathing hard and Steve could actually see him wince when he threw a punch. Especially wit his left arm. He was clearly overworking himself but getting him to stop when he was like this was sometimes difficult.

“Yes you are.” He told him, putting his hand on Bucky’s right shoulder. “Stop.”

Bucky shook him off and continued punching the bag. “No..” He answered in a breathless voice as he glance over shoulder. “Make me.”

Steve responded by wrapping his arms around his waist and hauling him backwards away from the bag. No one else in the world could’ve restrained Bucky when he was like this. Could hold back that nearly 200 pounds of sheer muscle and anger but Steve. He just gripped him tight and held onto him.

“Let me go!” Bucky growled angrily, kicking against Steve to no avail. “Stop trying to fucking control me!”

“I’m not doing that.” Steve whispered in his ear, raising one of his hands to stroke his hair. One was enough to hold him. “Just calm down.”

He felt him shake a little, shaking off the rage in he was in. He still tried to pull against Steve’s arm, but he just held him tighter, the hand on his head still stroking his hair. Like petting an angry cat. One that was like to hiss and scratch and did a little, clawing at Steve’s arm to no avail.

“Everyone just wants me to behave.” Bucky said after a few minutes, sounding a bit defeated. “To keep me under control.” He seemed to take ragged gulps of breaths. “Even you.”

It hurt him to hear him say that. To make the correlation, but he supposed in his hyper-alert state he was having a hard time with the differences now and then. His memories blending into his current life and making inaccurate comparisons. In therapy it was called transference and Steve was very familiar with this behavior now unfortunately.

“Nobody is trying to control you.” He reassured him, speaking right into his ear in a soothing voice. “Just don’t want you to hurt yourself that’s all.”

He heard Bucky whimper softly and his hands stopping clawing at Steve’s arms and fell to his side. “He touched me again outside last night..” He admitted, his voice shaky. “I remembered it and I hate the way that makes me feel..”

Steve held him a little tighter, nuzzling his face into his neck. Feeling his own anger at that knowledge. The piece of shit had actually dared lay on hand on him. The white, hot anger he felt over that wasn’t just laced with protectiveness but a scary brand of possessiveness as well. That he had the audacity to lay his hands on something that in the primal recesses of Steve’s mind, belonged to him. But that was merely the undercurrent to the other. That someone who’d hurt him so many times had tried to do it again.

He felt Bucky turn around his arms and burrow his face into Steve’s neck, his fingers clutching the back of his shirt. Steve in turn wrapped hand around the back of his head and cupped it gently. Just wanting to give him comfort.

“I cut him.” He heard Bucky say into his shoulder. “Cause no one can touch me but you..”

Steve smiled and brushed his lips over the side of his head “You got that right.”

“Looks like you’re gonna need to buy another bag.” Bucky observed, as he looked over Steve’s shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He told him, pulling back and putting his hands on his face. “I’d buy you a million bags if that’s what it takes.”

Bucky chuckled at that, leaning his head against Steve’s. “It might.” He mused. “I’m pretty fucking screwed up punk.”

“Maybe you are.” Steve told him, rubbing his face against his. “But you’re worth fighting for.” He smiled and wrapped his hand around the back of his head. “Someone guy once told me I was too dumb to run away from those.”

“Hmm.” Bucky mused, brushing his lips against Steve’s. “Sounds like a smart guy.”

Steve bunched up some of Bucky’s hair in his hand and tilted his head back a little. “He has his moments.”

He then kissed him, letting his other hand run softly over his back. Trailing down between his shoulders and back up, feeling the warm skin underneath. He let his other hand tighten in his hair a little, so he could kiss him a little harder. Laying claim to what was his again. Feeling that possessiveness take over again. That powerful love that said _Mine.._

Feeling a powerful urge to put him down the weight bench and fuck him senseless.

Bucky must’ve felt it because he smiled against his lips, letting his hands slide over Steve’s ass and squeezing it playfully. Which elicited a growl and a harder grip on Bucky’s hair. Pushing it closer to the point of no return. And after the tension earlier it was a welcome feeling. Steve smiled to himself thinking how twice in one day they’d had what amounted to an argument and then ended up like this. Such was their relationship it seemed.

“How bout you point that thing somewhere useful Rogers.” Bucky challenged, nibbling on Steve’s lower lip. “Cause suppers getting cold.”

Steve was ready to accept that challenge, lifting Bucky with one arm onto his hip. “That sounds like dare Sergeant Barnes.” He growled and proceeded to toss him over his shoulder. “I’m gonna have to pull rank now I guess.”

Bucky grinned and gripped Steve’s shirt. “Do what you gotta do Captain.” He purred against his lips. “I am very disobedient after all.”

It turned out the weight bench worked just fine for them both.

\--

Bucky wiggled on the kitchen chair as he ate, smiling to himself. He was a little sore after all. But in all the right ways and places. It was amazing the kinks yet another good fuck could work out of you. It was a tried and true practice for him, one he never got tired of.

He looked over at Steve, his mind for once, not on his troubles which was a relief. It was instead filled with the way he’d been bent over the weight bench and railed by his husband until he couldn’t take it. The feeling of Steve’s hands gripping his hips, and biting his neck, filling his head with that feeling of being possessed in the best way. And of feeling safe and protected at the same time.

Especially his.. episode earlier. Which if he was being honest was more of a breakdown.

“Look about earlier.” He said suddenly, putting his fork down. “I’m sorry.”

Steve looked at him curiously over his cup. “For what?”

“For the tantrum.” He clarified. “I don’t know where that came from.”

“That wasn’t a ‘tantrum’” Steve corrected, reaching his hand out and putting on his. “You’re under a lot of stress that’s all.”

“C’mon Steve that’s not an excuse for that.” He told him, shaking his head. “I was kicking and scratching you like Arya when we try to give her a bath.”

“You’re not that bad.” Steve answered, interrupting his train of thought. “In fact I kinda like when you scratch me.”

Bucky shook his head. Actually smiling a little at that, knowing Steve had a few good ones. “Speaking of that.”

“Speaking of what?”

“Twice in one day we have a fight and then end up fucking each other’s brains out.” He told him. “It’s kinda messed up. Dysfunctional even.” He sort of shifted his sore ass in the chair as if to emphasis this. “ Not that I’m complaining punk I’m just saying we’re kinda weird is all.”

“We are what we are Buck.” Steve said with a soft smile. “And we do what we do.”

There was something profound in the simplicity of that statement. Just an acceptance of functionally dysfunctional relationship. How they made it work despite all the challenges and strangeness of it. How Steve just accepted Bucky the way he was, with all the strange and disquieting aspects of his mental illness. He just accepted all of it. They’d always accepted each other. Warts and all.

“You know that’s kinda deep Rogers.” He teased, leaning back in his chair. “You read that in a book or something?”

Steve grinned and leaned over, pulling Bucky into his lap. “You’re such an asshole” He growled, his hand gripping his hair again. “But you’re so adorable at the same time..”

Bucky smiled mischievously in return. “What can I say punk?” He asked, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “I’m complex.”

He was kissed deeply then, feeling Steve’s fingers gripping his hair tightly and he thought Steve was right. They were what they were, and it worked perfectly. Its how they coped with the madness in their lives. The unpredictability of it all. They could do nothing but live in the spaces between that were given. Because tomorrow was not a guarantee. 

He then felt put his hands on his hips and lift him off the chair as if getting an idea. Bucky looked at him curiously as he got up and seemed to check his phone. All of sudden music started playing. Bucky was still amazed you could that now. Used to be you had to go to the radio and turn a dial to get music and how you just pressed a button.

“Can I have this dance?” Steve asked him, putting his hand out to Bucky.

Bucky smiled and shook his head. “You are the corniest bastard I know Rogers.” He answered and then put his hand in his. “But I’d love to.”

He stepped into his arms like they’d done so many times in their little place back in the day. When things were different. Not always better, but different. Maybe more a little more innocent. Bucky loved that they still did it now, right there in the kitchen, sometimes the living room. Anywhere there was music. It gave him a sense of place. A pure connection to the past.

He cleaned his eyes and leaned his head against Steve’s listening to a song sung by an artist that had had been born and died in the time they’d been separated. It was a beautiful song..

_“You fill up my senses  
Like a night in a forest  
Like the mountains in springtime  
Like a walk in the rain  
Like a storm in the desert  
Like a sleepy blue ocean  
You fill up my senses  
Come fill me again_

_Come let me love you  
Let me give my life to you  
Let me drown in your laughter  
Let me die in your arms  
Let me lay down beside you  
Let me always be with you  
Come let me love you  
Come love me again..”_

“I love you Buck.” Steve whispered against his lips as he kissed him softly, his hands still holding his face. “That will never change I promise.”

He leaned his head against Steve’s and took a deep shuddering breath at the way he said that. He could feel it all over him, in every kiss, and every touch. The warmth that caused inside. They’d tried to erase that from him, cover it with a chilling cold but were never completely successful and he’d be damned if he’d let that son of a bitch take that from him now.

If he dared show his face again, Bucky vowed to take care of himself. Even if it meant going into the dark again. He’d do anything for that feeling of love and acceptance. That feeling of home.

“I know.” He answered, nuzzling his face with Steve’s. “I love you too punk.”

They danced for a while longer, to that song and others, trying to find the peace amid the chaos. And he didn’t want any of it to end just yet. So he just lived in it for now.

He felt Steve take his hand at one point. The right one, where the knuckles were a little bruised, studying them as he rubbed his thumb over it. “It doesn’t really hurt that much.” Bucky tried to reassure him as they still swayed to some more music. “Looks worse than it is.”

“Stop being such a tough guy.” Steve told him, kissing the knuckles softly. “Let Doctor Steve take care of it.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at that. “So you’re a doctor now huh?” He mused, letting his hand slide into Steve’s blonde hair. “Well Doctor I do have other sore places too that could…you know.. use your magic touch.”

“Is that so?” Steve asked, still rubbing his hand. “Tell the doctor where it hurts and he’ll see what he can do.”

“Well there’s a my shoulder..” Bucky mused, rolling his shoulder in an exaggerated way. “And my backs a little sore too.” He then grinned mischievously. “And then there’s.. you know..”

Steve smiled and let his hand wander a little wander a little, first over Bucky’s shoulder, down his back and then of course, his ass. “I see the problem.” He whispered in Bucky’s ear, patting said ass softly. “How we go upstairs and I’ll take care of that too.”

“Thought you’d never ask punk.” Bucky answered, looping his arms around Steve’s neck. “But I might need some help. cause.” He leaned against him. “I’m pretty achy.”

Steve just hoisted him into his arms and took him upstairs to the sanctuary that was their bedroom. And was good on his word.

\--

Steve did love taking care of him. Especially when things got rough between them. Loved just massaging him down like this. There was such a beautiful intimacy in it that always capped everything.

Bucky was laying on his stomach on the bed, his lower half completely uncovered as Steve worked his magic on him. Letting his hands roam softly over his bare hips and rub his ass, eliciting sweet moans that were music to Steve’s ears. Even more so when he parted him and put his lips where his hands previously were. Massaging in a different way now.

If he lifted his eyes he could see Bucky grip the pillow in his hands almost spasmodically as reacted to this. Whining and pushing his hips against Steve, wanting more. Steve held him steady, just taking his time with this. Making sure Bucky got everything he needed from it.

Once he was able to bring him to a sweet climax, he released him and turned him over. He then gripped his shirt and pulled that off too so all he was wearing was his dog tags, which rested beautifully against his heaving chest. He stared at him in awe, trailing a finger over his chest, touching those tags and turning them to show his name. And then ran that same hand up to his scarred shoulder and traced the scars with tender reverence. He could see Bucky’s teal colored eyes glazed with calm love, much better than the confusion and anger of earlier.

“You are so damn beautiful.” He told him, letting the awe creep into his voice. “You’re just perfect.”

“I like the way you say that punk.” Bucky answered, lifting his hand to snake into Steve’s hair. “Cause I can feel it..”

He’d remembered Bucky saying in his Soldier voice, how that man had said that too. And how it had felt different when he did. Felt creepy and wrong. Like when he touched him. And it occurred to Steve that now maybe was the time to ask what he wanted to ask earlier.

“Bucky when the Soldier said that he ‘knew different now’ what did he mean by that?” He asked, carefully wording it. “What changed his mind?”

He saw Bucky pinch his face a little as if he didn’t want to answer at first, and thought for a moment he’d overstepped. But realized it wasn’t that at all. It was just Bucky trying to find that answer in his own head.

“He.. or at least that part of me.. figured it out when we merged and you and I...” He started to explain and paused for a moment, biting his lip before continuing. “When we starting doing this again.. It felt good and he realized that’s how it was.. supposed to feel.”

It sort of came together for him to hear that. That the Soldier part of Bucky hadn’t understood what was being done for what it was until he engaged in similar things with Steve himself. It was because of their relationship that part of him saw it for what it was. Abuse and rape. He realized himself that a lot of Bucky’s healing over that part of it, came from that realization by the Soldier part of his mind and it was awe-inspiring to think of it.

It filled him with such love and pride that he leaned down and kissed him softly, feeling those metal fingers flex into his hair as he leaned over him. Wanting to make love him soft and slow now. Not like the roughness of earlier. To cherish and reinforce this in him again after all this stress.

He puled his lips and smiled down at him, just letting his hands slide slowly over him. “It should always feel like this.” He told him, speaking to the Soldier as much as to Bucky. They were both, after all, part of the same beautiful person. “And I’m glad he knows that now.”

“He’s known for a long time.” Bucky confirmed, his legs hooking around Steve’s hips. “We both have.”

At that moment Bucky pulled him back to him, kissing him more urgently. Steve’s hands slid to his hips and pulled them against him and slid himself back inside him again. Slowly until his was all the way and held him there, hearing the whimper against his lips as he then slid those hands back up Bucky’s body, up his arms and flattening them to the bed, their fingers entwining together.

He pulled his lips away, looking into the depths of those beautiful blue eyes, his brown hair spread out on the pillow and began slow moved against his hips. Long slow strokes, watching those sooty dark lashes flutter over those same eyes at every thrust. It was the most erotically beautiful thing to him to watch.

“I.. love.. you..” He breathed to him, emphasizing each word with a deep push. “My Bucky.. my.. Soldier.. my.. everything…”

Those teal blue shone with mutual feeling as Bucky pushed back against him. “We.. love you.. our… Steve..”

When he spoke like that it always filled Steve with that deep love and possessiveness, making him move a little harder and faster. But with no less tenderness. He buried his face in Bucky’s neck and softly chewed on it, making him yet again, causing more whines and moans as they pushed each other further and further until he felt Bucky’s climax and heard his yelp of pleasure.

But Steve wasn’t quite done and just kept pumping him deep, wanting to draw one more out before he let himself go. So he let go of his hands and grabbed his hips and rose up to give him more. Until he went again, this time clawing at Steve’s back as he did. And that was it took for him to release as well, groaning as stilled and finally let go.

Collapsing onto him, Steve’s face was buried in Bucky’s shoulder and he could feel his hands, one metal, and one flesh, wrap around his head and hold him to him with his legs still wrapped around him. Could feel Bucky’s face nuzzling his hair lovingly as he held him like that. And Steve slid his arms under Bucky too, holding him as well in those sweet moments after.

Like he never wanted to let him go ever. And he didn’t. Just wanted to stay in his arms like this for as long he could. To keep him here and safe from any outside force threatening to take him away again.

“Can we just.. stay like this?” He asked into Bucky’s neck. “For the rest of our lives?”

“Sure we can punk.” Bucky answered, kissing Steve’s head. “Sounds good to me.”

So they curled up together just like that, holding each other even tighter. Kissing and touching softly as they retreated under the covers for a while.

\--

Later that night he laid in bed awake,, Steve snoring away next him. Bucky’s head was now on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of it as he breathed. Taking comfort in that. And the feeling of a cat purring on their feet. The house was quiet, past midnight now and he couldn’t really sleep anymore. Because of that quiet. And the fact there were too many damn shadows as well.

_Soldat…_ he heard the whisper in his head. _You are mine…_

Bucky knew that was in his head, but he could feel his presence somewhere nearby. Like a prickling on the back of his neck. A shadow on his heart. Certain that if he got up and went over to the window. The one facing the street, he’d see him there, staring up at him.

He remembered the letter, addressed to Steve. _You have been warned…_

He felt anger at that. Not the out of control, irrational anger, but a colder, more calculating one. He’d threatened Steve. And Bucky knew better than anyone the Colonel meant business. That Steve, for all his reflexes and abilities, would never see him coming. Because that man was pure darkness. He lived and thrived in it. Fed off it.

But he’d made a mistake. He’d taught Bucky how to live in it too.

How to move and not be seen. He knew all that man’s moves because he’d been taught by him. And he was the only one who could put a stop to him now.

Watching Steve sleep, he made a decision right there. One he knew could be costly but was worth the risk. He was tired of others trying to fix this mess for him. It was his to clean up. His monster to deal with it. It was time to take control of it out of the hands of that bastard and put it back in his own.

So he very carefully got up, making sure not wake Steve and went to the dresser, quietly finding some clothes to put on. All black again. Then he pulled two things out of the drawer as well. The gun he’d stashed and the switchblade that was with it. He also grabbed his phone as well, stuffing it into his pocket absently.

He waited to put his boots on. They’d make too much noise in here.

Walking back over to the bed he looked down at Steve for a moment, as if memorizing him. Like he was never going to see him again. He could feel the Soldier in his head as well. Could hear him whisper _Our Steve.. we must protect him.._

He crouched down for a moment and kissed his head. He barely stirred. Was sleeping heavily. The truth was he was tired too, with everything going on lately. Bucky didn’t speak directly to him, didn’t want to wake and have to answer the questions that would follow. And if he had to look in those sky-blue eyes he might relent and let him take care of it.

Bucky couldn’t let him do that. This was his mission not Steve’s.

He petted Arya too and put his lips to her little ear. “Don’t worry darlin’” He whispered. “Just look after Daddy okay?”

She blinked at him as if she understood and Bucky was sure she did. It wouldn’t surprise him.

He reluctantly left the room, not letting himself look back because if he did, he wouldn’t go through with it. Whatever this was going to be. He just quietly closed the door and put his boots on in the hallway. And made his way to the hallway window where the fire escape was. And once again, very quietly opened it and climbed out into the cold night.

He already missed Steve’s arms around him and the warmth of the house. The safety of it.

Scanning the alley with the eagle eyes of the Soldier, checking every angle and every shadow for movement he climbed down the stairs and lightly landed on the ground. His Soldier instincts kicked in and he missed not detail around him, his eyes wide and alert, ears listening for the slightest sound. Even the sound of breathing. He could just barely pick up his own.

Before he made his move there was something he had to grab first. Under the back porch step.

Back when he’d first come home, he’d been paranoid and fearful. Ready to run at any second. He wanted to be prepared in case the worst-case scenario came about so he’d buried something there. Under a loose board. Just in case. Steve didn’t know about this, and to be honest Bucky had forgotten about it as he began to feel safe there. But he remembered it now.

Carefully moving the board, he pulled the bag out and shook the snow off it. And checked inside to make sure everything he’d packed was there. You just never know these days.

He found everything as it had been years ago. The extra gun and ammunition. The electrical tape and other assorted things. Including a lighter. And a leather glove to put over the metal hand for a better grip as well. He slid that one, as well as a glove for his right hand as well. He never thought he’d ever need this bag but here he was, throwing it over his shoulder and strapping it to him.

He sighted and took one more look up at the window, longing to go back inside but resisting the urge.

He needed to do this. Needed to end this now.

Silently, he moved down the alley on the side of their house, moving toward the front quiet as a mouse. Listening behind him for any sounds of ambush, gun drawn and held securely in his gloved metal hand and moved toward the corner of their house. Seeing an occasional car go by. Some late-night driver out to get take-out no doubt. Carefully he peered around the corner, keeping his body completely in the shadow of one of the bushes in front and looked out on the street.

And saw him. Causing his blood to run as cold as the New York air.

He was looking up at their front bedroom window. His face in a familiar sneer. He was going to take care of that. He wouldn’t be smiling later that’s for sure.

Bucky moved behind the bushes, using them as cover as he moved closer. There were several in front of the of the house. They got him within 3 feet of his target. He could do the rest on his own. He picked up a rock and winged it side arm, causing it to clank off the railing of the porch. The Colonel had been so distracted looking at the window that he didn’t see where the object had come from and turned in that and it was all the window Bucky needed.

He leaped out from behind the bush and used the gun to pistol whip his head, knocking him to the ground in a heap. Bucky put his foot on his back and pointed the gun down at his head menacingly.

“I believe I warned you to stay away from me.” He hissed his finger on the trigger.

“You knew that wasn’t going to happen Soldat.” The Colonel said as he spit blood out of his mouth. “Don’t act so surprised.”

Bucky cocked the trigger to the gun, pointing it closer to his head. But being careful enough to stay out of reach as well. “I should kill you right here.”

“So what’s stopping you?” He asked smugly. “Afraid you’re going to wake up your precious Captain?”

He wanted to. He was seething with rage. Thinking of all the things that had been done to him. By this monster and by the others. He wanted to blow a hole the size of Manhattan into the middle of his head and shut his everlasting mouth. But then he wouldn’t suffer anywhere near enough. This mission required a place that wasn’t a public street. At least that’s what Soldier was telling him in his head.

“Don’t wanna make a mess on my porch.” He answered finally. “Bloods hard to get out as you know.”

“So what then?” The other man asked, with an almost daring tone. “Invite me to meet your Captain?”

As if he would ever let that piece of shit slime up his home with his presence. He had a better idea. There was a place. One he and Steve had known about as kids. A secret place. No one would find them there. Except maybe Steve. Later on he’d wonder if a part of his subconscious mind picked the spot because of that very reason.

Because Steve always found him. Even when he was lost. Like now.

“Like hell I would.” He hissed. “We’re going somewhere else.”

“I’m assuming I have no choice in this.”

“No.” Bucky said simply and whacked him again with the barrel of his gun, knocking him out this time. “You don’t.”

\--

Steve kicked himself for a lot of things over the next day. The biggest one being not waking up when Bucky crawled out of bed for the second night in a row. But the sad truth was he’d been exhausted himself, Bucky’s issues affecting his sleep.

But it didn’t change the sense of guilt he felt. Or being angry that Bucky made this decision to do this. Although to be honest he didn’t know that at first. He just knew was gone. That was what mattered.

Arya had woken him up again, but it had been much too late this time.

None of the doors were open this time. So at first he didn’t even know how it happened. Just sprinted down the stairs in his own bedclothes to check said doors. To check the alarm. It hadn’t sounded at all. And he felt the fear deep inside.

_“You don’t know him like I do.” Bucky had said. “We’re not safe.” _

Steve swung the front door open, hoping that like last night, he’d be outside. On the sidewalk again. But he wasn’t there. The streetlight showed no one on the street at all. But there was something. Footprints. Not on the sidewalk, the snow had melted off that due to the salt, but by the bushes. Boot-prints to be exact.

He had barely noticed in his search around the bedroom, but Bucky’s boots weren’t where the usually were. Meaning he’d put them on. Unlike the night before he had been in his right mind enough to do that.

And there was something else, on the sidewalk he hadn’t notice at first. Blood that looked slightly congealed. And among it what looked like it could’ve been a tooth. Someone had been struck hard enough to do that. It meant nothing, could’ve been anyone’s tooth to be honest, but it meant everything at the same time.

Because Steve had an inkling it wasn’t Bucky’s. The footprints behind the bush made him sure of that.

It gave Steve a sense of satisfaction to know that Bucky had likely gotten a good shot in. Didn’t mean he was safe but once again had injured that bastard at least. 

He wanted to run down the street and search but knew it was fruitless. He had nothing to go on. Nothing at all. And he had no idea just how long Bucky had been gone. Could be hours. It was plenty of time be out of the city at this time of night.

Truth was he needed help. Lots of help if he was going to find him now.

And he certainly couldn’t chase anyone dressed like he was.

His heart hurting and feeling helpless, stomach full of a heavy weight he knew he had to go inside and change. And when he got up the stairs his phone was ringing on the nightstand. He grabbed it and saw the name on the ID, his eyes widening, and immediately answered it.

“Bucky?”

There was a pause before the answer and in it Steve felt a pregnant weight, wondering if it was him or some trick being played by that sadistic bastard. But also in that silence he heard sounds as well. A tinny echo as if whoever was on the line was in a tunnel somewhere. He could also hear water as well, lapping against something. It sounded familiar but he couldn’t place it, his mind in too distracted at the moment.

“Steve.” He heard Bucky’s voice say over the line. Sounding tight but otherwise fine. “I’m sorry about this.”

“Bucky where are you?” He asked, his hand griping the phone.

“I can’t tell you that.” Bucky answered. “Not yet.”

“Are you with him?”

“Yes.” He answered, confirming Steve’s fears on that. “But I’m okay.” There was a paused, in which those strangely familiar sounds came through again. “I have the control.. he’s my prisoner now.”

There was a coldness in Bucky’s voice when he said that. He hadn’t heard that in a long time. It lacked his usual warmth and mirth. It was the voice of a killer. He closed his eyes, kicking himself even more that hadn’t seen this coming. Even though the signs were there. The anger had been building in him ever sine that man had appeared in his life. He’d seen that coldness in his eyes when he talked about the way he’d punished the ones that hurt him. The ones he’d gotten his hands on at least.

“Bucky you don’t have to do this.” He told him, pulling on his own shoes. “We got enough evidence just tell me where you are we’ll come get both of you.” He felt like he was pleading with him, trying to buy time. “He’ll pay trust me.”

“It won’t be enough Steve.” Bucky told him and Steve heard his voice break a little as he said that. “It’ll never be enough.” He paused again for a moment as if composing himself. “I have to take care of this or it will never be over.”

“Bucky just.. let me help you.” He practically begged now. “Please.”

“I love you Steve.” Bucky told him, and there was definitely emotion in his voice. “I’m so sorry.”

And then he hung up, leaving Steve right there in the dark of their bedroom. Wanting to call him back. To hear his voice again. But he knew Bucky wouldn’t answer. Would most likely turn the phone off. He supposed he could call Tony and have him track it but part of him though maybe he already knew where Bucky was.

The background noise sounded familiar.

_“Come on punk..” A much younger version of Bucky suddenly spoke in his head. “You’re not a scaredy cat are ya?”_

Steve searched his mind for that memory. From when they were kids. Trying to locate why he associated it with this situation. The echey sound sounded like the way your voice carried in a tunnel and the water sound far off. And suddenly something came to him. And old memory of a place they’d frequented as kids. At first just for fun but as they got older it had a new meaning.

_“I’m not scared asshole.” Steve had piped back, standing on the tunnels edge by the river. “Just don’t feel like gettin’ hit by a train that’s all.” _

_“They don’t run down here anymore idiot.” Bucky called back, his voice echoing off the concrete. “The only ones down here ain’t goin’ anywhere.” His arms were braced on the edge of the tunnel as he looked up at Steve, daring him. “I think you’re just afraid of the dark.”_

_Bucky’s blue eyes danced in that mischievous way, and even at the age of 14 Steve already though he was beautiful. Not that he would ever say it out loud. And he’d just been challenged. Dared actually. Steve Rogers was no wuss and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna let his best friend, whom he was starting to realize he had a crush on, think he was. _

_“Alright I’m comin’.” He called down. “Sometimes gotta protect you after all pretty boy.” _

_Bucky rolled his eyes as he helped him down and they began to explore the old tunnel. They’d found it one day when they were skipping rocks and heard the ping off concrete. It was an old air vent for a line no longer used and Bucky was sure there was old trains down there too. He had a fascination with mechanics and tech and wanted to check out the original trains they used to run. Steve had remembered watching the excitement in Bucky’s eyes at this prospect. The way they shine with youthful expectation._

_He’d found himself daydreaming about those eyes sometimes. Thinking it was weird he was so fascinated by them. Boys weren’t supposed to think those things about boys. Boys were supposed to like girls. _

_Bucky turned on the flashlight and they walked along the dark tunnel. Steve was pretty sure there were rats in here and told Bucky as much and of course his friend had a little fun with this. _

_“I bet their huge too.” Bucky teased. “Could probably eat Old Man Reilly’s dog.” _

_Steve scoffed but was inwardly a little scared. But of course hid that. “Rats don’t get that big.. you’re so full of shit.” _

_“I’m tellin’ you punk I saw one big enough to ride once.” _

_They went like that, bantering like boys did when they finally stumble upon an old train. An old trolley to be precise. Steve could see Bucky’s eyes glinting in the dark at this and then fearlessly climbing into to it to explore. Bucky was always fearless like that. Didn’t care if was dilapidated and dangerous. Steve had loved that about him even then. _

_“Come on in punk it’s awesome.” He called out and Steve couldn’t help but follow that voice inside. _

_It was pretty awesome too. With old seats and everything. They’d decided to make it a secret hideout. Another place that was just theirs. They even cleaned it out a bit. It was like a treehouse but underground instead. And they went there often enough that they knew the way even without a flashlight. They’d memorized the route by heart. And as they got older, they used for other things as well. Another safe place to be together where no one would see them. _

Without any evidence he was certain Bucky was there now. That’s where he’d taken him. Somewhere private. A hole in the ground only a few people knew about or how to get in and out of. A place where he had the advantage over his adversary. 

Picking up his phone he dialed up Sam, not caring if it was early. He heard his friends groggy voice. “What the hell?”

“Sam I need your help.” Steve said, not exchanging pleasantries and getting right now down to it. “You need to come over now.”

Sam must’ve heard the seriousness in his voice because he sounded more awake. “Is something wrong with Barnes?”

“I’ll explain when you get here.” He told him, wanting to show him the evidence first. “Oh and you might want to some gear with you.”

“The rest of the team coming?”

Steve debated and decided he didn’t want a tone of people. Just a small group. “No just you and Wanda.”

“Okay man.” He heard Sam say. “I’ll be over shortly.”

They hung up and Steve put his coat on, wanting to check on something else as well. He called Wanda as he went down the stairs, trailed by the cat, who sat on the stairs and looked worried. As worried as Wanda sounded but she, like Same didn’t question it, said she’d be right over.

Steve looked at the cat, sitting there with her bright green. “I’ll be right back I promise.”

Bucky would’ve laughed at that he knew. How they talked to the cat like she was a person. Like she understood. And they were both sure she did.

Going outside into the cold Steve walked around the house and saw a few other things as well he hadn’t noticed before. Drag marks which corresponded with the blood along with more boot-prints. And he went around the house, through the alley to the back porch and saw, with more rational eyes, how Bucky had gotten out.

The fire-escape. Of course. It’s how they’d sneak out as kids before.

And Steve knew something Bucky didn’t. He knew about what he’d hid under the porch. He found it one day after dropping a important in his back pocket while taking out the trash. It had somehow fallen between the slats and when he’d pulled the board back he’d found the bag there.

Instead of being upset though and confronting Bucky about it, he’s simply put the board back and never mentioned it. He didn’t know what was in it, but if made Bucky feel safe and secure, he was okay with it.

When he lifted the board, the bag was gone now. And he knew this was all Bucky’s choice now. His decision. And he was more worried about him than ever.

He went back inside and waited for Wanda and Sam to arrive, which they did at almost the same time. Letting them they both were acutely aware of Bucky’s absence and the questions began.

“He’s gone but I know where he is.” He told them. “I know where both of them are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I hope everyone is doing okay lately I know things are rough all over right now. But we are all in this together *love and hugs to everyone*
> 
> I did put a little cuteness into this chapter, sort of added to it last minute so it wouldn't be completely heavy but unfortunately that is where it is right now. 
> 
> What I wanted to really emphasize in this chapter is Bucky's emotional weather. More specifically the growing and a need for that outlet. For several chapters now he's sort of felt like everyone else is driving and he's just a passenger. He feels a complete lack of control in the situation and is reacting to it. Finally reaching a breaking point of sorts. Knowing the direct threat to Steve is really the biggest catalyst for his actions toward the end. And the idea that he sees this as his problem and he needs to handle it.   
It sort of went into this idea of helplessness that I've felt (and maybe we all feel lately) that things are going on around me that I have no control of and the the boiling point frustration that comes from that is sort of reflected in the characters in this chapter and moving forward. 
> 
> The Winter Soldier making a massive reappearance is pivotal to this storyline. He is the more rational part of Bucky, the one that can focus the anger the proper way, unlike Bucky's tendency to react emotionally, hence beating the shit out of the punching bag like he did and nearly hurting himself as a result. 
> 
> Another little element I liked in this chapter was the revelations regarding the Winter Soldier's original 'innocence' in a sense. He didn't understand essentially why Bucky was upset by certain because that part of him didn't understand the nature of those things. The idea that once the Soldier was merged with Bucky and was able to partake in sexual experience with Steve that he finally figured it out and understood it's relevance is profound. He does in a way think like child in the sense that he only things in terms of whether they hurt or not. He was uncomfortable with some of things he was made to, but didn't understand why until he learned about 'good touches' versus 'bad touches'. It's sort of complex psychology when you consider he's just another part of Bucky's mind, but it was the part that had no memory of life other than with Hydra. He understands now because of Steve, which show, by proxy that Bucky understands it for what it was too now when he used to be confused about it before. 
> 
> The idea that Bucky would have an 'emergency' bag is interesting to me too. Because why wouldn't he considering his history. The fact that he forgot about it speaks volumes about how safe he felt for so long. Now that he's under threat again he remembers it. And the fact Steve knew and understood this enough to not call him on it, speaks as to how he understands that mentality. 
> 
> The memory of the tunnel I thought was interesting, because boys in the city don't have woods to explore, this is what they have. I like the idea of a place like that where they didn't even need a flashlight to find their way around. A secret place. It's the perfect spot for what Bucky is going to do next. 
> 
> I also want to showcase that those skills Bucky has not gone just dormant. That he can awaken them when he needs them. And be pretty self-sufficeint so it will be interesting coming up soon. 
> 
> The next chapter has a working title called 'Control' and you will what Bucky does with his prisoner and the way it unfolds in a very interesting way. Be prepared for some darkness coming up. But as they say it is always darkest before the dawn. 
> 
> Just a little addition I rely on music for inspiration a lot and a few songs inspired some of the tone lately. One is called "Train Wreck' by Sarah MaLachlan, which is a great Stucky style song. 'Fight Song' by Rachel Platton and the one I used in their dance was "Annie's Song' by John Denver. Just fy I should probably put a list of all the songs that have inspired me at some point I guess lol
> 
> Thank you for your lovely comments they always make my day lovies and once again, I hope everyone is safe and taking care of themselves right now <3 <3


	13. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

It was dark in there. That suited him because he needed darkness for this.

It was dark work after all.

Bucky knew the tunnels here well, had even come back once or twice in the last several years. Once with Steve and one by himself. And after all the time, and mind fucks he’d gone through, he could still remember the route through. Remembered all the twists and turns the way he remembered everything about Steve, from head to toe. It was mapped in his head perfectly.

He remembered a lot of things now. Details he didn’t care to remember but did.

He had his prisoner taped to a seat at the far end of the abandoned train car, so he was just out of the beam of the flashlight he’d brought along in the bag. Bucky didn’t want to look at him just yet. Wanted a little time to get into the mode he needed to be in for this particular task. Or mission if you wanted to call it that.

He didn’t tape him too tightly. There was a subconscious part of him that might’ve wanted him to escape. To give him a reason to put a permanent end to this. Because the tables were turned. The advantage was his for once.

First thing he did was take his wedding ring off his finger and put it on his dog tag chain, placing them both under his shirt. Close to his heart. He also made sure his bracelets where safely under the sleeve of his parka. He didn’t want to get any blood on any of those things. Because blood was possible. He wanted to keep those things separate and safe from this.

He then started taking other things out of the bag, including the extra gun, which had a holster he could strap to his leg. And that holster had place for the switchblade as well. There was a lighter, batteries and flares. And another important item as well.

The taser.

Bucky picked it up, put the batteries in it and tested it. A blue light came out of it. The familiar crackle of electricity. The Winter Soldier part of him felt a sense of terror at the sight of this. The memories of the blue light electric shock still traumatic even now. He could still feel it on his skin. Hear his own screaming in his head. But it was needed to do what he needed to do.

It wasn’t going to be used on him this time. Or ever again.

He’d ordered it years ago and had put it in the bag just in case. You just never know when you needed extra defensive measures. Although to be honest, this wasn’t a defensive measure. It was purely offensive.

Bucky stood there for a moment, in the semi-dark train car, wrapped his flesh hand around the familiar feel of his dog tags and wedding ring under his shirt. He closed his eyes, drawing as much strength into himself as possible. Taking one last moment to consider his choices.

Remembering Steve’s voice on the phone _“You don’t have to do this..”_ Remembering the desperation in it. Wanting nothing more to just be back in bed with him and forget all about this. Wrapped up under the blanket with him an Arya. In that warm, softly lit place rather than this dark, dank one. But he also reminded himself it was Steve and Arya, Wanda, Sam, everything he had, that’s why he was here now. He did have to do it. It was the only way he saw out of this mess. To strike before the Colonel finally did and took more irreplaceable things from him.

“Why did you bring me here Soldat?” He heard the man in question finally say. He was awake.

Bucky turned and pointed the flashlight at him and walked closer. Getting with 3 feet of him, putting the light down on an opposite seat. He was satisfied to see how much the asshole had bled from when he’d hit him, not once but twice with the butt of the gun. He planned on hurting him a lot more.

He was also dirty and scraped up after Bucky had dragged him through the filthy tunnel by his feet. Because he couldn’t stand to touch him any more than that. He hoped he got infected with something honestly. If he lived that long that was.

“First of all, that’s not my name.” He replied in a low, menacing voice. “And second, you don’t get to ask questions.”

“At least we get to be alone again.” The Colonel said with a sneer, spitting out some more blood not far from Bucky’s boost. “Just like old times.”

Bucky took the opportunity to backhand him across the face, which made a satisfying sound as he did. “It’s nothing like that.“ He hissed. “I don’t even like being this close to you to honest.”

The man sneered again. “Why so squeamish?” He asked, like this was just a normal conversation. “We’ve been a lot closer if I recall.”

Bucky smacked him again for the hell of it. “Because I have a choice now.“ He replied back, picking up the taser on the seat next to the flashlight. “There’s no chain around my neck this time.”

The man’s eyes went to the taser he had in his hand and understanding seem to come into his eyes. Not fear, but a sense of defiant satisfaction. Not that he cared what he felt at this moment. His finger pushed the button and lit up the end of it, causing that familiar blue glow that had terrified him for years and still did to this day.

But now he had it in his hand. He controlled it now.

“Do you that scares me Soldat?” The Colonel asked with that same tone. “Because I know it still scares you. I can tell.”

“I said that’s not my name you piece of shit.” He growled and put it right against the man’s head. “Stop calling me that.”

“It will always be your name.” The man spoke back as if daring him to do it. “It’s what you are. Accept it.”

That was all the motivation Bucky needed. He zapped him on a medium frequency and saw his body jerk as he did. Could smell that burning smell that he himself had become so accustomed to smelling coming from his own body. It was always a horrible stench and brough back all the old memories. Of being given far higher doses of electricity in far worse places. But there was a scary sense of satisfaction and even pleasure in returning the favor to one of them at least.

“You smell that?” He asked him, looking in his eyes with his own form of menace. “That’s your skin burning. The spasm? They’ll go away a few minutes. Or maybe longer.” He hit him again with it in a different spot. “It hurts more depending on where you put it if I remember correctly. And your.. minion.. he put in quite a few places…” He held the taser in front the man’s face and moved the dial up a little more. “There’s one place that really hurts.. and I’d demonstrate but.. I don’t really like touching you never mind get close enough to even try.”

The memories of the terrible places they’d used it flashed in his head. How he couldn’t lay down or sit properly after. It filled him with a scary rage just to think about it. Wanting to make him feel that pain too, that burning from the inside, from the tremors took a lot longer to fade. But like he’d said, that involved touching this slimy piece of shit.

“We did what we had to do.” The Colonel hissed angrily, even though he tried to mask that anger with bravado. “We had orders to follow. You needed to be broken so we could reach your potential.”

That actually pissed him off to hear that bullshit. The justifications for what was done to him. “Did those orders involve raping me too or was just you and your buddy’s idea?” He asked angrily, the taser right up again his head again. “Because that following orders shit is a cop out. You were just sadists hiding behind your fucking ‘cause’.”

“It wasn’t just a cause you insolent cur.” The Colonel hissed at him again. “We were and are going to change the world. And we made you better. Made you the perfect machine to help us accomplish that.” He glared at Bucky definitely. “You were nothing before that.. we were the ones who made you important.”

That statement pissed Bucky off. As if nothing he’d been before mattered in the slightest. Like they’d improved his life in some way by doing the things they’d done. That this man had the hubris, the audacity, to claim a noble cause in this. He wanted to rip him apart. To turn the taser all the way up and make him scream the way he had all those years.

“You tore me away from my life.. put me in a damn hole and tortured me.” He just about roared at him, ready to just fry him right there and cut him into little pieces. “You turned me into a killer so you assholes wouldn’t get your hands dirty and you have the fucking gall to tell me you ‘improved my fucking life!” He hit him again, this time with metal hand. “I had a goddamn family, I had people who loved me I had a fucking life and you assholes stole decades of it from me.”

“You obviously weren’t that important those.. people..” The Colonel sneered. “Because they never came back for you did they? At least we took care of you.” He gave Bucky a knowing look. “I took care of you remember?”

The fact that he’d hit that particular nerve gave him a pause. A pain filled one. He’d gone over this in therapy so many times. That feeling of abandonment that no one had even tried to at least locate his body and confirm his death. That he’d been given up on. That the man was right in the sense that Hydra had saved him and taken care of him. Had become his family to the point where he’d grown to depend on them for everything. That he’d even protect their interests and fight for their cause. Amelia had called this Stockholm Syndrome and Bucky understood the concept and had felt that strange sense of loyalty fueled by being essentially abandoned by everyone else to his fate. This asshole had known it. Tapped the nerve. Then and now.

His feeling had been conflicted then. But not so much now.

He thought about Steve, and the way he took care of him. How soft and gentle he was. The way he’d touch his face and brush his hair with his fingers. Like he was a fragile thing that could be broken and had. There was nothing bad about the way that felt. Steve didn’t manipulate his feelings to get what he wanted from. Didn’t have to hurt him to make him loyal.

Steve loved him and asked for nothing in return. Which was why he got everything instead.

“Is that what you called that?” Bucky asked, keeping his voice even. “You have someone hurt me and then act like you’re the nicer once? You were just as sadistic as he was.. at least he didn’t hide behind the bullshit that it was some grand thing he was doing.”

Bucky couldn’t stand being that close to him so backed off and leaned against the old pole in the middle of the train car. He pocketed the taser and pulled out the gun, pulling bullets out of his pocket and recaching over for the silencer. A gunshot would echo very loudly and the chances of someone hearing that were higher, so he took every precaution. He kept one eyes on his prisoner who seem to study him as he did this.

“Are you going to shoot me Soldat?”

He looked over the sight of the gun as he pointed it at him, as if measuring his shot. “I should. “ He said in a flat voice, like that of the Winter Soldier at his height. “I should end it right here. And let your body rot here among the other garbage.” He stepped forward and put the barrel right up against the man’s head. “But then again that might be too damn quick for you.. you need to suffer more.” He gave him a cold look. “Like I did.”

“We tried to make you perfect.” The Colonel said as if he’d heard none of this. “And you were but you wasted it Soldat.”

Bucky cocked the trigger on the gun, pressing it to the man’s head. He remembered Steve telling him how beautiful he was even back before they’d taken him. He told him all the time. The way his eyes looked earlier that night, in what already seemed so far away now, when he ran his hands over him and told him his was perfect. The love that was there. That feeling of home, of acceptance. Steve had always thought he was perfect. He didn’t have to abuse him and make him a killer to believe that.

“I already was to someone.” Bucky said in a voice that was cracking as his fingers itched on the trigger. “He didn’t have to hurt me to make me that way.”

“Your Captain?” He answered with a derisive laugh. “He makes you week. Keeps you like a housewife.” He spat out more blood onto the floor. “We made you strong.. Made you powerful.”

Bucky moved his finger over the trigger, squeezing it a bit. Just the dismissive way he spoke of Steve. Whose love had strengthened him more than any pain could’ve. “I was always strong..” He hissed at him. “Because I have people who love me.” He glared into his eyes over the gun barrel. “Unlike you.”

He realized at that moment that as much he wanted to kill this man, he couldn’t. It just wasn’t really in him now. In either part of him anymore. He wasn’t that person now . He was the person who curled up on the couch with his husband. Cuddled with a cat. Painted pictures. Went to coffee shops and shopping with Wanda and joked with Sam. He counseled people at the VA. He wasn’t what they’d tried to make him.

But if he continued on this path he would be again. He had too much to lose.

“So what are you waiting for?” The Colonel hissed at him. “Do it.”

_It what he wants.._ he heard a voice in his head say. _And if you do it.. he wins.._

He was torn at that moment, between his anger and need for vengeance and attempt to preserve his soul. He was on the edge, in the dark now and felt it very close to overtaking his mind yet again. Felt its tendrils on his heart. The part of his chest that his dog tags and wedding ring laid against. He could feel them inside his shirt, grounding him in his reality again.

He lowered the gun finally. “You deserve to die.” He said to him, his gun at his side. “But I’m not gonna give you the satisfaction of doing it myself.” He holstered it and gave him a cold look. “Because your dead anyways once they get you.”

“Am I now?” The Colonel asked with a menace in his voice as if he knew something Bucky didn’t. “Are you sure about that?”

The man, even when Bucky was torturing him, had seemed somewhat confident of the situation in spite of where he was. There was no real fear there. He supposed someone that evil felt nothing like that but that wasn’t it. He was confident he was getting out of this. And he’d realized that he’d simply been distracting him by saying what he said.

There was a movement of some kind in the chair and Bucky realized, almost too late, that he’d somehow gotten his hand free of the tape. And he was still too damn close to him. There was a quick blur of movement and he himself was struck, and hard, sending him flying into the wall and stunning him a little. He raised the gun instinctively and fired it at his adversary. And seemed to hit him.

With the shot still ringing in his ears, Bucky tried to shake his head clear to look for the Colonel but it was too dark and his head was too fuzzy to focus.

And that’s when he felt the hand around his neck, squeezing it to the point of breathlessness. “You should’ve have killed me when you had the chance Solat.” The Colonel snarled, sitting astride him now. “That was a mistake you didn’t used to make.”

Bucky growled and reached for his gun again. “I won’t make it again..” He hissed through his compressed throat, swinging the gun and whacking him in the head with the butt, freeing himself.

He was in attack mode, the battle rage descending over him as they fought viciously for the upper hand. He remembered of this, it was all covered in red fractured lines. It was all about survival now.

\--

Steve was agitated, pacing as Sam was on the phone with Tony. The sun was coming up now, Bucky had been gone for hours. Every muscle in Steve’s body and every brain cell was screaming to go now. But he had to be patient, as hard as that was.

“Steve you need to be calm.” Wanda said as she tried to catch him walking by. “We gotta believe he’s got it under control.”

“What if he doesn’t?” Steve asked her, stopping in his tracks. “What if we’re too late?”

She grabbed his arms. “We have to trust that he can handle himself.” She told him, holding his eyes. “It’s all we can do until we get there.”

Steve tried to take a breath, tried to calm his nerves and worry. But he just couldn’t help picturing Bucky hurt or worse in some dark place because he underestimated his adversary. Even though a part of him knew Bucky wouldn’t do that. He could handle himself if he had to. And another part of him wanted to keep kicking himself because he’d been so tired that he hadn’t woken to stop him.

“I can’t lose him Wanda.” He said in a broken voice. “I just can’t”

“We won’t let that happen.” She reassured him. “None of us will.”

Sam got off the phone, having convinced Steve earlier that getting Tony and the others involved could mitigate the collateral damage among other things. There were more resources involved in it. Steve knew that was true but he also knew if Bucky or Kovalev heard any sign of major intervention things could go downhill as well. There was a line that had to be walked here. A fine one.

“Their gonna meet us there.” He told them, putting his phone back in his pocket. “They’ll stay back unless needed.. the less that go in the better but we may need the back-up.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, getting his jacket on.

“You’re sure they are there?” Sam asked, putting his own back on. “I mean I know you go on your gut but..”

Steve searched himself, knowing there were not many other places Bucky could go with a prisoner like that and not be noticed. It would be easy to get there without being spotted if you knew the proper route and he and Steve had wandered a good part of Brooklyn as kids and even as a adults. There was nowhere more private than that.

“I’m certain of it.” He answered, grabbing his keys. “He’s there.”

It was early morning when they left the house and took the truck. It was bigger and able to hold more. And considering they were bringing things with them and might be heavy one or two people coming back, it was the best choice. Plus it could drive all-terrain as well, and they would have to do that too considering where they were going was definitely off road.

The sun was peeking up over the horizon when they finally arrived and parked by the river. There was a fence there now, there wasn’t there when they were young. Safety was a big thing these days. Sam looked at as they got out of the car.

“Wish I’d brought my wings.” He mused, looking at the chain-link fence by the water. “How the hell did Barnes get himself and that guy over it? Unbelievable.”

Steve looked back at him. “I could toss a car over it easily Sam.”

“So could I.” Wanda added, her hands glowing and lifting a huge rock to demonstrate.

“Yeah yeah I get it you all have superpowers but still.”

Steve’s eyes found the answer by scanning the lower half of the fence. City kids, back in Steve’s time and now had never been daunted by fences. There was what looked a hole in this one, probably done by kids so they could smoke by the river if they wanted to. That was mostly likely how Bucky had gotten in.

“He didn’t have to climb.” He told them. “And neither do we.”

Going through it Steve saw what looked like fresh tracks in the snow, boot tracks. Just one pair, but depressed more as they had been carrying a weight. There were even drag marks at one point, like Bucky didn’t want to carry the guy any more than he had to. Considering what he’d told Steve about him he was surprised Bucky hadn’t dragged him by his feet all the way there.

Following the tracks, they came upon the entrance. It wasn’t small but wasn’t big either, they’d have to bend over to walk through the first part at least. And Steve was sure Bucky had dragged his prisoner through here. Especially with all the shit and dank water. Steve thought that would be fitting for a piece of shit like him.

Leaning in, Sam shook his head again. “Did anyone bring a light?”

“I got this.” Wanda said as she stepped up, twirling her hand to create a bright red light. “There we go.”

It was dark in there, but Wanda’s light had made it passable. Steve had remembered coming back here with Bucky over the last year and was surprised how well they both remembered the route. It was easy to get lost if you didn’t know where you were going. There were tunnels and offshoots of tunnels. And if you went the wrong way, you’d up either in the sewer or on an active subway line. Either way was taking you life in your hands.

It was the perfect place for Bucky to go with that man. But Steve was worried too. Something felt wrong as well.

They were deep inside and Steve had to hold his breath as they came upon the old abandoned train. Wanda turned her hand and brightened the room and Steve could see that some of the windows were broken. And it looked recent. The door was open too, it was usually shut, but that didn’t mean anything because a bum could’ve used it for a shelter. But Steve was sure Bucky had been there.

“Are you sure this is safe?” Sam asked. “Looks like it’s gonna fall apart around us.”

“It won’t.” Wanda reassured them. Both of them knowing if it did, she could hold it.

Going inside Steve could clearly see evidence that they’d been there. Duct tape on one of the seats. A spent shell or two a discarded taser and some extra batteries. It looked like it was broken. And he saw other things too.

Blood. Fresh blood. And a lot of it.

“Doesn’t mean anything man.” Sam said as if reading Steve’s mind. “Barnes could’ve gotten him too.”

“I know.” Steve replied, crouching as he looked at it, seeing something in it. A piece of fabric that looked like Bucky’s jacket. “But this is his.”

“Steve.” Wanda said quickly from the door. “I hear something.”

He looked up, hearing it too. Someone, or something was moving outside the car. In the tunnel Too stealthily to be anything but human. He turned his attention from the blood that he was now sure was Bucky’s and concentrated on the moment. Trying like hell to believe he wasn’t truly gone. This could be him for all he knew. Hurt and scared but alive.

But he could be dangerous like that too. “Stay back.” He told them. “I got this.”

Wanda protested. “But Steve-“

“Back me up.” He barked back at her. “If I need it.”

He was the only one who knew his way around. He climbed out of the abandoned car and let his eyes scan the dark tunnel. Looking for movement. He walked down the tunnel, in the direction of the tracks, being very quiet. He could hear ragged breathing, someone sounded who sounded like they injured. It gave him some hope that maybe it was Bucky.

“Bucky?” He asked carefully. “It’s me it’s okay.”

He suddenly felt a movement of air and then something cold on the back of his neck. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance Captain Rogers.” The voice said from behind him. “I wish it was under better circumstances however.”

“Where is he you son of a bitch?” Steve asked angrily. “What did you do to him?”

“You should ask what he did to me first.” That voice said. “Your husband is no innocent as you well know.”

Steve remembered what Bucky and the Soldier had told about this man. About what he’d done. The he’d hurt and used Bucky for his own purposes. His hands clenched into fists as he turned around. Squinting in the dark to finally get an up close at him.

“Whatever he did.” Steve hissed at Kovalev. “You deserved it.. now where is he?”

“He’ll be dead by the time you find him.” The man sneered. “Good luck.”

Without warning, Steve struck out, knocking the gun out of the man’s hands and grabbing his neck, squeezing it tight as he slammed him into the tunnel wall. He fought the urge to just squeeze until the life was out of his eyes and that sneer came off his lips. Or to take a page from Bucky himself and slam him into the wall headfirst.

“You better hope he doesn’t die.” Steve growled, holding him their just like that. “Because if he does.. there’s no force in the world that’ll keep me from killing you.”

He had a hard look in his eyes, thinking of the blood on the floor of the train. Thinking of Bucky, who only hours ago was wrapped up in his arms post-coitally. His skin flushed, blue eyes shining with love. The idea he could be dead somewhere in this dark tunnel was not something he could take. His hand squeezed a little tighter.

Suddenly Kovalev’s knee went into Steve’s waist with force causing him to lose his balance at the edge of the old platform. “If I die Captain..“ He hissed as he pushed forward. “You’re coming with me.”

Steve felt himself fall, his hand still around the other man’s neck as they fell into the space where the old tracks were. Hard enough to stun Steve too, whose head struck one of the old tracks. He lay there for a moment, seeing the darkened ceiling, his hand still loosely holding the others neck.

He began to wrestle with him as the man struggled to get out of his grip. Steve was more than to throw several extra punches. To further bloody a face that looked like it had already been worked over quite by Bucky. They struggled on the track, rolling over the wood panels in the abandoned trestle. Hearing cracks their bodies hit those decaying pieces of wood and they broke under the weight.

Suddenly he was thrown off and was laying stunned on the track when he felt a knife at his own throat and that leering face leaning over him. “I want you to die knowing you failed him yet again _Captain_…”

Everything that happened after that, happened very fast.

\--

Bucky sat against the wall of the tunnel, taking in ragged breaths. It was hard to breath. Getting harder by the minute. His throat felt swollen and his ribs hurt. And he was bleeding in a few places but there was one place in particular where he was losing the most blood. It was oozing out of him at high rate, making him feel weak and dazed.

And the truth was he didn’t remember how he’d gotten this way. He’d remembered the Colonel breaking free. Remembering shooting him, or more precisely in his direction. And then struggling with him. Even remembered the man’s hands around his neck at one point, but he couldn’t account for everything. And his hand felt hot.

Looking down he squinted in the dark, seeing through fuzzy eyes that he was still holding the gun. It was hot because it had been fired. More than once too.

But he couldn’t see in the gloomy dark, any sign of the other man. A part of him recalled chasing him through here as well. Going on pure adrenaline in spite of being badly hurt until he collapsed here. But he had no idea where he was now. And that was frightening because he didn’t feel like he could move now. Nothing below his ribs wanted to cooperate. If the Colonel came upon him now, he’d be easy prey. And maybe that was the way it was going to go. Maybe it was his penance for doing this at all. To die here in this dark place. Because that’s what it felt like.

He’d only felt like this once before. When he was lying at the bottom of the mountain.

Lifting his metal hand, because the other arm suddenly wouldn’t work properly, he was able to pull his dog tags out, which also held his wedding ring and clutched it. Needing the comfort and strength. His face felt wet, and he wasn’t sure if it was tears or blood. Probably both.

Suddenly he heard something. Voices followed by what sound like a loud thud not far from him. Around the corner actually. In the trestle.

Once of those voices had been Steve’s. And the other…

Bucky picked the gun back up that was next to him. And found something else as well. His bag. He must’ve taken it when in pursuit. Chasing the man deeper into the tunnel until he’d collapsed and hidden himself.

_Steve…_ the Winter Soldier voice in his head said with alarm. _In trouble…_

By sheer force of will Bucky pulled himself up off the floor, in spite of the terrible pain that went through his chest and abdomen. He slung the bag over his shoulder, the weight of it nearly causing him to lose his balance, but he held it, knowing if he fell now, he might never get up. He’d lost a lot of blood he was sure, his body having that drained feeling.

A memory of the struggle, throwing haymakers with his metal arm, taking several shots himself that he he’d barely felt at the time. And how they’d both slammed into the glass at one point, shattering it, leaving some cuts on them both. But that wasn’t it. This wound was deeper.. more deliberate.

_“You were so perfect..” He heard the Colonel say in his head as he’d been pinned by the neck again. His breath once again cut off. “Such a waste.” _

_And a sharp pain below his ribs causing him to stumble back toward the wall of the train car. He’d briefly looked down and seen a mess of blood coming out of him before he retrieved the gun and shot the other man again. Hitting him in the upper chest. Which caused him to fly out the broken window of the train car. Getting up he’d stumbled out of the car to finish him off and finding him gone again. So he pursued him, vowing to finish it once and for all. _

He hadn’t remembered grabbing the bag as well, but he must’ve. The whole thing was hazy in his head, shadowed by the pain he was in now.

Bucky forced himself to walk in the direction of the noises and the shouts. Coming around the corner in the trestle he saw, even in the dark, a struggle going on the tracks. One of them was Steve and he was fighting the Colonel on the ground, who was armed with both a knife and possibly a gun Bucky was sure. Steve was strong but this man was strong and treacherous, and Bucky knew wasn’t going to play by any rules.

He remembered the flares in the bag. And the lighter. He fished through it, ignoring the pain he was in and found both, trying to balance both in bloody hands. Finally he was able to light one and threw hard in their direction, praying that he wouldn’t hurt Steve. It clanged against the wall not far from the fighting men, lighting the area up enough for Bucky to see and he just reacted at what he saw.

The Colonel had Steve down in spite of the latter superior strength and was about to cut his throat when the flare lit everything up. Bucky screamed and lept from the side of the tunnel and tackled him away from Steve, rolling painfully along the tracks and hitting his head again. Hard too, causing his vision to sway. But he stayed conscious and stood up, pointing his gun at the man with a shaking metal arm, because his right one just wouldn’t work right now.

“Bucky?” He heard Steve say but he was so full of rage, and his hearing was tinny from the blow to the head that he barely registered it. “Bucky?”

“You know you want to Soldat.” The Colonel said in a daring voice. “Go ahead..”

The gun shook in his metal arm. What was he waiting for? The man had nearly killed Steve and he was still hesitating. Still unsure. The bastard deserved it. After everything you would think he would want to just end it. But part of him knew if he did it this way it would never end for him at all. This was what the Colonel wanted. For him to spend the rest of his life knowing that he gave into it. That he was a killer and always would be.

He would truly own him then wouldn’t he? Forever.

But that other part of him, the hurt part of him, didn’t care about the long term. It wanted vengeance now. Remembering the way this man and others had used him for their own purposes. Had tortured and raped him. Indoctrinated him, turned him into something terrible that hurt others who hadn’t deserved it. There was such an anger in him and it was winning out over his rational mind. 

Later he would realize just how dizzy and disorientated he was from shock and blood loss. That that was also clouding his mind. But right now…. His finger twitched on the trigger, itching to pull it.

“Bucky?” Steve said again, and he could feel his hand on his arm now. “This isn’t you anymore.”

“It is you.” The Colonel said in that sneering voice. “And it always will be.”

“Shut up!” Bucky screamed at him, wavering slightly at the force of that. “You don’t get to talk anymore!” He took stumbling step forward, putting the gun right to the man’s head again. “You just get to die.”

At that moment a red glow seemed to wrap itself around the man’s neck and slam him into the wall. Looking up surprised, Bucky saw the source of it, Wanda, standing on the edge of the trestle. Her hair, her eyes glowing with the same fire as she lifted the man with her mind against the wall and held him there.

“Bucky?” Steve asked from behind. “We got him, it’s okay.”

He dropped the gun, hearing it clank on the ground, as the Colonel struggled against Wanda’s impossible grip. He could feel the strength draining out of him, felt more blood pulsing out. He put his hand to his stomach, finding the bloody hole where it was coming from. Suddenly remembering that he’d been stabbed in the fight. With his own damn knife he’d realized. The Colonel had gotten a hold of it in the struggle and just when Bucky had him down, had gotten him with it.

He’d made a mistake he would not have made before. And paid for it.

Turning to Steve, he could see his eyes widen as he saw the blood flowing out of Bucky’s stomach. “Yeah but.. he got me too.” He gasped out, his strength finally giving out as the adrenaline wore off, collapsing into Steve’s arms. “I’m sorry.”

His eyes fluttered closed, everything going dark for a while.

\--

Steve’s heart just about stopped when he saw the gaping wound in Bucky’s stomach. He immediately forgot about the man Wanda was restraining. Even heard her gasp up above but still not letting go of the bastard just yet. But Steve didn’t notice any of that at all. He just focused on Bucky. Didn’t pay any attention to anything else.

“Bucky?” He cried out as he caught him and went down on the ground with him. “Bucky please don’t do this.”

He was so pale, he’d lost a ton of blood already. And even in the low light of the flare and Wanda’s red fire, he could see the various other wounds as well. Including finger marks on his neck. Deep purple in color.. But the wound in his abdomen was far worse. He put his hand on and felt blood flowing through it, precious blood and he was so terrified he was going to bleed out right here.

That’s when he saw Sam jump down and take his jacket off, pressing it to Bucky’s stomach to stem the flow of blood. “I told Tony to get emergency now, they’re gonna be right outside.“ He told Steve in much calmer voice than the situation called for. But a cool head was needed now. “Steve.. we gotta get him outside now.”

Steve knew it was true and didn’t argue with Sam on this at all. He picked up Bucky, balancing him as carefully as he could. Looking up at the trestle he tried to figure out how they were going to get up. And suddenly they were rising. Wanda had extended her other hand and lifted them without letting go of her quarry. She had gotten so strong with that now and Steve couldn’t be prouder.

She placed them carefully on the platform and helped Sam up as well, all the while holding her prisoner. Who was writing and struggling at the grip of the red light. “Let me go you witch!’” He shouted from below. But it was to avail. The powerful Scarlett Witch ignored him.

“I got this bastard.” She told them. “Get him out of here. “

They nodded to her, thanks would come later. “We’ll send them down to get him.” Sam said as turned to go. “Keep an eye on him.”

Wanda tossed an angry look the way of the person in question and flicked her wrist to make the hold tighter around his neck. “Don’t worry about me.”

Steve tried to remind himself not to run through the tunnel in a panic. He needed to be leve- headed for Bucky right now, who was unconscious in his arms. For whom every second counted right now. Sam jogged alongside him, talking on the phone, to Tony and the others most likely. Telling them hold until they were clear and then go get the prisoner.

“Steve?” Bucky seemed to say in his semi-conscious state. “I’m sorry.”

It was second time he’d said it and Steve just held him tighter as he walked, trying not to imagine all the blood that was still oozing out of him right now. Trying to focus on getting him out of the tunnels and to medical personal.

“I know Buck it’s okay” He whispered to him. “It’s gonna be alright.”

It seemed to take forever to get out of the tunnel. It amazed him how that worked. It never seemed to take this long before. But when someone’s life was at stake it seemed to go on forever. He could feel Bucky’s right arm swinging against his leg. He’d managed to get the metal one around his shoulders but even that wasn’t holding on that tight. He was so week.

But suddenly there was light. A bright one. The sun, which was still low on the horizon but at the right angle to shine down the tunnel. And there was a silhouette there. Steve recognized it too. It was Tony. Not in full suit but a partial one. He saw him nod at Steve and motion to the paramedics Steve was sure was behind him.

Tony helped him as they emerged from the tunnel, getting Bucky’s legs as they got him on a waiting backboard the medics strapped him on. “Where’s Kovalev?” He asked. “And Maximoff.”

“Still down there.” Steve told him hurridly as he watched the medics strap Bucky in and start to apply pressure to the main wound. “She’s holding him good right now.” He turned as if to go, trying to do anything to distract him from the sight of Bucky like this. “I’ll go get her.”

“No.” Tony said and stopped him. “Go with him. We’ll take care of it.”

“Tony we need to get him.” He protested. “I need to go get him.”

“For Crissakes Rogers just follow goddamn orders for once.” Tony insisted. “You’re needed somewhere else. “

Steve didn’t know he was protesting, maybe because part of him was afraid of what might happen. He was trying to focus on what he could control, and the truth was he had none over the situation with Bucky. It was in someone else’s hands and he was scared he was going to lose him. He looked at the medics lift the backboard with Bucky on it and knew he had to be there. He had to trust the others to handle this now.

“Okay but..” He agreed as he turned to go. “Don’t let that bastard get away.”

“Not gonna happen.” Tony said, waving to Nat and Clint, who’d just arrived. “He’s gonna have to get through all of us.. if Maximoff doesn’t explode him first.”

Steve nodded and went to the copter. Not an ambulance, a damn airlift copter. And got in with Bucky. Sitting down on the opposite side from where the medic was working, intubating him with a respirator, he picked up his flesh and held it, brushing his hair softly with his other.

“Don’t you dare leave me..” He whispered to him. “Please..I can’t live without you jerk.”

Bucky didn’t even react to this. And Steve wanted that smart remark to come out of his mouth. To see his blue eyes open and that sass in them. To just hear him call him ‘punk’ again. He held his hand, wishing for that more than anything.

Right now it jus felt like the longest helicopter ride of his life as watched Bucky fight for his.

\--

Wanda lowered herself down and stood in front of this pathetic excuse for a man, watching his legs kick as she held him there with her mind. She was pissed, and worried, yet composed at the same time, focusing on her prisoner as she waited for the others to return.

“So you’re the Scarlett Witch.” The man said in a ragged voice. “I’ve heard about you in our circles.”

“So you know you can’t escape me.” She told him, letting vicious smile crossed her lips. “Cause I’m stronger than a little man like you ever will be.” She flicked her wrist and lifted him a little higher. “And so is he..”

“He didn’t look so strong.” The man said in a dismissive way. “At least not after I gutted him.”

Wanda tightened the grip on his neck, causing him to choke a little. “You better watch your words.” She warned. “A flick of my wrist and they’ll be your last.”

“You’re scared he’s not going to make it aren’t you?” He asked her, clawing against invisible hands. “I can tell.”

Once of the things she’d learned was how to control her power and that her emotions fueled them. Made them stronger. She’d had to learn how to harness that emotion and she was doing it now even though she weas terribly worried about Bucky right now. She had no way of knowing if he was okay, or if he’d even made it out of the tunnel but her heart said he had. Just like she’d known when Pietro had perished, she knew Bucky was still alive and fighting for his life right now.

“I know he will.” She told him, squeezing him a little tighter for the hell of it. “Because he survived what you did to him.. he’ll survive this too.”

“And what if.. he doesn’t?”

“Then there’s no place in the world you’ll be safe from us.” She told him and twisted her hand, to lift him higher. “None.”

The tightness of her grip and the injuries she was happy to see Bucky had inflicted on him, were making it hard for this horrible man to talk. It didn’t mean she didn’t entertain the thought of squeezing him until his head popped off. Or ripping his heart out. She could do it. Thinking about how they’d used and mistreated her too. What it felt like to get some vengeance then and now. But she didn’t. Knowing Bucky wouldn’t want that no matter what.

It wasn’t long until the others had found their way down, aided by Sam and she was finally relieved of holding duties. “Take him.” She told them, finally releasing him from her grip and letting him drop to the ground in a heap. “He disgusts me.”

She had a better place to be. And better company too.

\--

It wasn’t entirely dark all the time where he was, just in strange periods of time. It was almost eerily reminiscent of after he’d fallen from the train. In and out awareness of things going on. Of pain. Of blurred faces, some of them wearing masks as they worked on him. Words being said to and around him. It was so similar in fact that his subconscious mind was scared and confusing the two.

Even though he was barely conscious it was panicking him at times, but he just couldn’t move. Couldn’t get away. Everything hurt like then too. Clouding his mind even further and at times that metal arm attempted to swipe in defense but was held down as if a restraint just like then. He kept going in and out of the silky black and had no control over that either. It was terrifying.

But what was different was that he was aware in some places of softer hands. Ones that were actually helping him now. Speaking words of reassurance in spite of the face that he was in terrible pain.

He was aware of Steve’s presence even if he couldn’t focus on him directly. His voice seemed far away but his touch was familiar and close. It was safe and that calmed him to some degree. Then a mask was put over his face and he sunk into that silky dark again for a while. Floating in it more accurately. This particular dark didn’t scare him. It felt safe from everything.

He wasn’t alone however. There were other presences there. But they felt more benevolent this time. Softer, like a gentle touch or breeze. And then he heard a voice that stunned him, because it was one he hadn’t heard in over 70 years.

“Jimmy…” The voice spoke, in a name that had only been used by one person in his life.

“Mama?” He choked out, even in his own mind the sound of that voice was broken. Like a hurt child. “Is that you?”

“It is Jimmy.” She said in her soft voice and the sound of it almost made him cry internally. “Open your eyes baby it’s okay.”

Bucky opened expecting to see nothing. Thinking it had to be some trick or something, but when he opened them, he was outside. On the beach at Coney to be exact. He had not only gone there with Steve but with his family and he could see them now, his younger sisters splashing in the water. A teenage Becca sunning herself on a blanket. He could see his mother standing in front of him with a smile on her face.

She had the same color hair and the exact same color eyes. People had always said he and Becca had both looked more like their mother than anyone. And Bucky could see that reflection in this beautiful memory. In hindsight.

But he was not a teenager himself. He was his adult self, looking upon this memory with the eyes of someone younger. And only his mother seemed aware of this. As she was the only who noticed. She was smiling at him, sadly too he could tell. And suddenly he felt a little scared.

“Am I dead?” He asked, looking around at the sunny day from so far in his memory.

“No baby.” His mother said as she stepped forward. “It’s not your time. You have so much left to do. So much left to live for.”

He felt relief and sadness at the same time, partly because this was a temporary place. He wanted to go back to Steve and their life, but he needed this too. He needed to know something that only his mother could tell him. Even if she was just a figment of his mind. Just something he created there, he needed to just hear it from her.

“I did terrible things mama.” He confessed to her. “You told me to be a good man and I wasn’t.. I hurt people. I killed them.”

“Oh my sweet Jimmy.” His mother told him, putting her hands on his face and he could actually feel them. “It wasn’t your fault. It never was. “

He bit his lip, feeling tears in his eyes even in this situation. He could see in his mother’s eyes, which matched his. It may have been an illusion in his mind, but it felt so damn real. He could even feel the wind and smell the salty air. Here the Cyclone roaring behind them. A ride he’d ridden with Steve and sister many times, with the wind blowing through their hair. Reminding him now there was, and still could be a life outside of all this pain.

“I didn’t.. disappoint you?” He asked, his voice broken now. “Did I?”

“No sweetie.” She said with her soft voice. “You’re my only son and I am proud of you. You help people now, because you always had a good heart. “ She brushed his hair in a gentle way, similar to Steve. “They never took that from you no matter what they did and that makes me proud baby.”

She hugged him then, holding him tight and Bucky just about broke down at the feeling of it. It had been so long since he’d felt a hug from his mother that he’d forgotten what it was like. He felt that same love and acceptance that he’d always felt with it. Like what he felt with Steve but different. Because no one loved you like your mother. That was different. And he hadn’t realized just how much he’d missed it.

“It hurts mama.” He cried into her shoulder. “I miss you so much.”

“I know sweetie.” She whispered to him, stroking his hair. “But I’ve never left you.. we’re hear as long as you remember us.”

Bucky knew he would have to leave soon but he desperately wanted to stay here a little longer. Needed to. To stay in the safe places where there was nothing but peace and love. Before all the pain obliterated all of it. Before the horrible memories kicked back and he’d have to deal with it all again.

“Can I stay for just a little bit?” He asked almost desperately. “Please mama?”

“Not for long baby.” She answered softly, pulling back. “You have to go back to Steve.. he’s your life now. Him and your friends and that little cat of yours.” She kissed his head softly. “But we will always be here I promise.”

To hear his mother talk about Steve like it was no big deal was something special. Even if it was just his own mind talking. And the fact that it had only manifested her and his sisters and not his father was something Bucky would contemplate later. For now, the softness of the female quotient of his family was what he needed.

He did stay like that for a while though until he was pulled away again. Until he was traveling in the dark again. Finding other lit up places he could go right now. Like the memories of fishing with Steve on the pier or their first kiss on the roof under the fireworks. He was grateful for these reprieves from the pain of the reality he would soon have to face again.

And even when he was in the darkness, he didn’t feel cold at all. It was a warm place. As if part of him knew this darkness was safe. The monsters couldn’t come here. They didn’t stand a chance. So he was okay to stay in and heal as much as he could during that time.

\--

The waiting was the hardest part.

Sitting in the chair, watching the door, waiting for Pam to re-emerge with the surgeon. The clock ticked hours by while Bucky was in surgery. Every hour felt like felt like an eternity. Hell every minute did when someone you loved was fighting for their life. And you had no control over it at all. Could do nothing but pace and watch the doors. Waiting for news, good or bad, to come.

He had been seriously injured after all. Cut up, bruised and bleeding. A broken mess with a respirator over his face. With doctors immediately taking him from the medics into the OR. A place Steve wanted to but couldn’t go.

He still had Bucky’s blood all over his shirt. Knowing he should change but he couldn’t think of anything like that right now. He just held Bucky’s dog tags, with his wedding ring attached to them in his blood-smeared hands and stared at that door. Through it.

Wanda had evidently joined them. Sam too. And a few others. Keeping company. None of them could offer any words of comfort yet. There was nothing to add. They just supported him. Wanda had her arm around Steve and a head on his shoulder and just did her best to be soft and supportive. Even though Steve could tell, even in his state, that her eyes were red with tears of worry.

It was already mid-afternoon by the time Tony arrived with Nat, informing him that they had the guy in custody and that Sharon Carters unit was here to take custody of him themselves. As soon as he was cleared that was.

“Barnes fucked him up pretty good too.” Tony had said, his hands in his pockets. “Bastards trying to claim he was just an innocent bystander that Barnes went nutty on. “ He shook his head. “Good luck with selling that to the feds.’

Steve barely heard this. His mind was on Bucky. The worry overtaking him completely as he clutched the tags in his hands. And there was anger too. Not just directed at that asshole but also at Bucky for doing this in the first place. For going out and risking everything without telling him. He hated himself for feeling and knew it wasn’t the time right now no matter what happened.

“He’s in protective custody then?” He found himself asking Tony almost indifferently.

“Yeah he is.” Tony answered. “He’s not going anywhere don’t worry.”

“I’m not.” Steve answered, looking up with a hard look on his face. “He’s the one that should be worried.” He turned Bucky’s tags in his hand as he talked. “Because he needs protection from me.”

He was thinking of the bruising on Bucky’s neck. And remembering being told about the chain the asshole used to use on the Winter Soldier to keep him in line. Thinking that he’d gotten his hands on Bucky and had hurt him yet again and he hadn’t been able to prevent it. Knowing Bucky done it that way precisely to protect him, but it didn’t change that feeling of helplessness.

“They can’t move him yet.” Tony added. “He’s seriously injured himself.”

Steve flicked his yes up at Tony again. “Good.” He said in a menacing voice. Pleased that Bucky had returned the favor.

“Anyone looked at you yet?” Sam added, pointing out the cut on Steve’s head. “He clocked you pretty good down there.”

“I’m fine.” Steve said sharply. “It’s not a big deal.”

“And you need a change of clothes.” Wanda added as well, noting his bloody shirt. “Need to do something about that.”

Steve just reached down and pulled his sweater off, leaving just the t-shirt underneath and dropped it on the chair. “There I’m clean.” He said and returned to his brooding contemplation. “I’m not going home.. not while he’s still in there.”

Nat volunteered to get some clothes for him, and it was a good choice because she had a key. She and Clint went off to do that. Steve just nodded, knowing they’d check on Arya too. Make sure she was fed and everything. Poor cat had no idea what was going on right now.

In another hour they’d returned with some stuff from home, including a change of clothes. They were just situating when Pam finally emerged from those double-doors, looking exhausted, her face unreadable. Steve felt his breath catch in his throat as she was joined by the surgeon as well. Both of them discussing something before heading to the rest of them.

He could feel Wanda’s hand on his shoulder, see Tony and Sam looking serious with their hands in their pockets. Nat and Clint held each other’s hand as well, for support as they all waited for the verdict from the doctors.

“He made it.” Pam told them, letting herself smile for the first time. “It was a rough go, but he pulled through it.” She stepped forward and took one of Steve’s hands. “He’s a tough one that one.”

The collective release of air from everyone, especially Steve himself, seemed to fill the room with a little more light. Tony and Clint immediately got on the phone to inform some others of the good news. Wanda hugged him from the side, burying her face in his shoulder in relief.

“Is he awake??” Steve asked, feeling that breath he didn’t know he was holding, let go. “When I can see him”

“He’s not awake yet.” She told him. “He won’t be for a while which is probably good because he’s gonna be in some pain.. but you can see him once he’s transferred from Post-Op to the ICU.” She saw Steve’s worried look at that. “It’s precautionary. We want to keep a close watch on him right now and he needs the respirator for a little longer.”

She went onto explain that the knife had cut him deep enough to pierce his spleen, which had to be repaired. And that he also had a punctured lung and a bruised larynx, so they needed to keep him in the ICU for a few days for observation. But assured him the prognosis was good for him. She told them they would come get him when it was time, but that Bucky could only have one visitor at a time there for now.

“He did lose a lot of blood though.” She informed him. “If any of you are a universal donor, we could use some for him.”

“I actually am.” Steve told her, remembering he was. “I’ll give you anything you want for him.”

“Alright while we’re waiting for post-op we’ll get you set up.” Pam agreed smiling. “Come with me Captain.”

There was something lovely about the idea for Steve. The idea that he could help with his own blood. That it would coursing through Bucky’s veins as well. Like a blood pact in a strange way. All he wanted to do was be able to help him. To save him like he couldn’t before. So what was a little blood right?

“I’ll go back to the house and watch Arya.” Wanda offered, giving Steve hug before he walked away. “Call me when I can come see him so I can yell at him for scaring me again.”

“Sure.” Steve told her, hugging her back. “I’ll pass the warning along to him I promise.”

The others could do nothing but go home, except for Sam, who had to wait for Pam to get off work. So he stuck around. And Steve gave his blood to donate to Bucky. Yet again giving a part of himself to the love of his life the best way he could.

When he was finally allowed to see him, it was such a jarring sight. He’d seen hooked up before, with wires and everything but not like this. He still had a ventilator on and a lot of tubes still attached to the port. Which he still had from the last time fortunately. His face was cut in a few places and those bruise on his neck stood about against his pale skin. Pale from loss of blood most likely.

Steve looked at the IV going into his arm, knowing some of it was a transfusion being done by the nurse who was there holding the line properly. He put his hand on Bucky’s pale face, feeling the warm skin indicating life, and leaned over, kissing him softly on the head, not even slightly bothered by the look of the nurse. Who actually had a smile on her lips as she did what she needed for him.

Once she’d left them alone, he’d allowed his emotions to overtake him and walked around to his flesh hand, taking it his and leaning over, pressing his forehead into Bucky’s. “I love you.” He whispered to him, his voice heavy with emotion. “And just so you know I’m not mad.. not right now.”

He was but like earlier he knew it could wait. What Bucky needed was support now. It was going to be another arduous recovery. With a lot of repercussions as well. Right now, he just wanted to see those beautiful, teal colored eyes to open again. To say something sassy. To just be there.

“I’m here okay?” He said against his head. “If you can hear me just.. hold on to me okay?”

\--

Coming out of the blackness he had little memory of anything that had happened inside of it. Just hazy feelings and images. Ones that had made him feel safe and loved. They were very different from the confusing, scary images from before it. Ones involving torture and blood. Which he had, once again, been partially responsible for.

Waking up the way he didn’t help the confusion in the slightest.

The first thing he was aware of was a beeping noise. His chest felt heavy, combined with a strange numbness fading into pain below it. It was hard to breath and there was something on his face, covering his mouth and nose. He could hear air flowing through it. And there seemed to several things stuck in his arms again. Opening his eyes, his vision was blurry and all he could see was a beige ceiling above him.

It was just like the way he’d woken up after he’d fallen. Which cause a panic response in him. More precisely in the Winter Soldier part of his brain. Did they have him again? What were they doing to him now? He was terrified.

The sound of the beeping increased as his heartrate rose, and all he wanted to rip everything off of him and run. But like then, he couldn’t move. Nothing worked. His arm wouldn’t even move. And it was starting to hurt to breathe now.

He felt trapped again, panic increasing, his wild eyes flicking all over the room now. There were moving blurs, and he tried to scream and that’s when he heard the voice, which had been muddled by his addled brain and confused panic.

“It’s okay Buck.” The familiar voice said, and he felt a soft hand on his head. “You’re safe it’s okay.”

Steve. He could see him now, leaning over him with love in his eyes. Looking upset but relieved. Bucky tried to speak but the ventilator and his swollen throat was impeding it. All he could manage was a soft whine that Steve seemed to understand even in its incoherency. There was another person there, a nurse alerted to his elevated heartrate and he flinched slightly at the touch of their hand as they checked his vitals. But Steve was still there too.

“Don’t try to talk.” Steve said softly, still stroking his hair in that comforting way that was settling him. “It’s okay.”

He wanted to ask him what happened. His memory was iffy after… he’d remembered clearly carting the man off and the tunnel.. but then it dropped off. Almost as if he didn’t want to remember it. Flashes and images of doing things. Of those man’s words.. _At least I took care of you_.. and_ they didn’t come for you did they? _And there was fight and… the rest was gone. Lost in a red, fuzzy haze of anger and pain.

Suddenly Bucky then became aware that something was missing. A few things actually. He lifted his metal arm shakily and felt for his dog tags. And his bracelets and ring. Feeling that panic start to rise in him again. Did he lose them? Feeling himself starting to hyper-ventilate. What the Colonel had them? His eyes darted to Steve who seemed to understand what the problem was.

“I almost forgot.” He said softly to him, pulling something out of his pocket. “See I got them.”

Bucky watched with wide eyes as Steve pulled the missing items out. His ring was on the chain with the tags, gleaming in the light. And the bracelets, his engagement one and Wanda’s wedding gift to him, were in his hand too. He felt tears sting his eyes, unable to express how relieved he was. His voice just wouldn’t work right now.

The emotion got worse as he watched Steve put the bracelets on his arm. And undo the chain of his tags, not only to take the ring off them but to put them around his neck, carefully lifting his head as he did. Bucky felt the familiar weight of the metal rest on his heavy chest and struggled to hold those tears back. But when Steve put his ring back on, he couldn’t control them anymore, feeling the wetness run down his face. He just couldn’t keep it in. He was just too raw and hurt rightnow.

God he didn’t deserve this. Not after what he’d done down there. He was awful. A monster.

“There you go.” Steve said to him, his hand still brushing that hair. “That’s better.” He then seemed to notice Bucky’s tears and his look softened again, his hands going to Bucky’s face. “Sssh it’s okay.”

He wanted to crawl into his arms, but he couldn’t even move. Everything hurt now. He could barely get his metal arm around Steve’s bicep. The right one wouldn’t move at all. He would find out later that among his many injuries was a separated shoulder. He hated being the weak. This helpless. It made him cry more now, even though he could barely breathe at it was.

Steve understanding this, seemed to press a button on the bed that rose it a little and leaned over, allowing Bucky, ventilator and all, to bury his face into his shoulder and let some more of it out. It hurt to cry because it hurt to move or breathe, but he was used to pain. And he needed this. Every tear a silent apology for his behavior. For the things he could remember, and the things he couldn’t.

“It’s over now.” Steve whispered in his ear. “I got you.” His fingers combing through Bucky’s hair, reminding him of faint vision of his mother hugging him. It was a strange comparison but invoked the same feeling. “You’re safe..”It

Bucky just wrapped his one working arm, the none flesh one, tighter around Steve’s back. Ignoring the pain in favor of a comfort he still didn’t think he deserved right now.

\--

He’d finally gotten Bucky calmed after he’d woken up in a stressful situation. Steve could imagine what was going through his head when he woke, unable to talk or breath properly. Judging by the fear in his eyes he was most likely having terrible flashbacks. But it wasn’t like he could say that at the moment.

He knew right now it was important to get him back to sleep again. Rest was the most important thing. But he did still seem to clutch at Steve’s shirt with his metal hand, as if not wanting him to go too far away either. He was caught and heartbroken by that panicky look in his eyes yet again. Which were the only way he could express anything right now. So he waited until his grip relaxed and Bucky started to doze off again, his heartrate finally dropping to more of a normal level.

There was a knock on the door a little bit later, for which Steve was surprised, because the nurses and the doctors usually just came right in. Getting up, he carefully placed Bucky’s metal hand back on his chest, just above where his tags were now laying again, and decided to check and see who it was.

When he opened the door, he found Sharon there, looking concerned but composed. “Hi.” She said, looking over his shoulder. “How is he?”

“Not great.” He said honestly, running his fingers through his hair, debating on whether he should leave the room or stay inside. “He’s at least stable now, for the most part.”

Visitors had been limited in this part of the hospital, but Steve supposed Sharon’s government clearance could get in most places. Yet he was wondering why she was here in general. He’d heard her unit had Kovalev in medical lockdown somewhere and he supposed she was just here to ask some questions and give some moral support.

“I don’t want to take up too much of your time, but I wanted you to know that we are taking custody of Kovalev once the doctors give us the clear.” She informed him. “He’s being taken overseas to the Hague to be arraigned for his involvement with Hydra.”

“In other words.. war crimes.” Steve mused a bit angrily. “I think he’s getting off easy.”

“He won’t.” She reassured him, holding a file in her hands. “This was located by a source and it details everything involved with the Winter Soldier project.” She gave Steve the folder to look over. “It has everything. He’s never going to see the light of day again.”

“Isn’t this classified?” Steve asked curiously. “Why are you showing it to me?”

“Because it’s you.” She told him, looking over her shoulder as a doctor passed. “It’s personal for you.” She then looked over Steve’s shoulder at a sleeping Bucky. “And for him too.”

Most of it was in Russian, with some translations, and Steve was glad he couldn’t read it to be honest. His Russian was rusty. But he got the gist of the whole thing. Their meticulous logging of everything was going to be their undoing when they were caught.

“Will he have to testify?” Steve asked, needing to know this. “If there’s a trial?”

Sharon looked sympathetic. “He might.” She told him. “For the human element. But that’s really up to him honestly. Otherwise a deposition like he did with Zemo would be enough.” She bit her lip just for a moment. “It might be good for him from a therapeutic standpoint but like I said it’s his choice.”

Steve noted she seemed to be checking her phone for something and another question came to him. That bastard had been injured too, rather seriously if he remembered and he suddenly wanted to know where he was being kept. Telling himself he didn’t want this information for selfish purposes but for piece of mind. That’s what he kept telling himself.

“Sharon?” He asked as she was looking at message on her phone. “Where’s he being kept right now?”

She seemed to do a debate on whether she should tell him or not, but at the end of the day he had a feeling that even though she had orders she would. Remembering how she’d alerted him and Sam to Bucky’s whereabouts in Romania and had helped them after at risk to her job.

“He’s upstairs in the lockdown unit.” She told him finally. “It’s why I’m actually here, we have to officially take him into custody before he can be moved.” She then smiled and put her hand his arm. “But I wanted to check on you both and make sure he was out of the woods first.”

Right upstairs, Steve thought to himself. In the same hospital. He supposed it was the closest emergency hospital to where they’d been. But the idea was in his head now. He certainly wasn’t going to inform Bucky of this information until after he was moved to Medical Center later. Once he didn’t need ICU anymore. But it was stuck in Steve’s head now. Thinking that asshole was going to be shipped out tomorrow and he could get up there..

“Steve?” Sharon asked, her hand on his arm a little tighter. “If you’re thinking about going up there..”

He started at little at the idea that she might’ve guessed his thoughts. “Why would you think I would do that?”

“Because I know you.” She answered, both of her hands on his arm now. “You’re not thinking a hundred percent clearly at the moment. you need to take care of Bucky and yourself right now and let us handle Kovalev okay?”

“I know I just..” He started and passed, running his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to do right now its all a mess.”

She just reached out and hugged him, giving him some comfort. Steve didn’t realize how much he needed that right now. Just a hug, because honestly he couldn’t hug Bucky in the state he was in. As much as he wanted to wrap him up, he really couldn’t move that much. Just sort flung that metal arm around him and held on. Right now a hug from a friend was everything he needed and he just let her wrap her arms around him.

“It’s gonna get better.” She told him. “The hard part’s over now.”

When she finally let him go he felt a bit better. It didn’t necessarily change the trajectory of his thoughts but for now it put them aside and stabilized him. Allowed him to concentrate on the present. On taking care of Bucky. The rest would come later.

“Thanks Sharon.” He said with sincerity. “Didn’t know I needed that.”

She left her hand on his face for a moment and smile. “I have to go but we’ll be in touch.” She informed him. “If you need anything le me know okay?”

When she left, he went back in with Bucky, who was still sleeping thankfully. Looking like he had a little more color than before now that his transfusion seemed to be taking hold. Steve entwined his fingers in Bucky’s right hand, which had several lines going into it. He held it and just watched him sleep, listening to his breathing, which was raspy and labored but still functioning, and made a decision he knew might be a good one. But it was the only one that made sense.

He would pay that asshole a visit. Sometime in the night. And makes some things very clear to him. That whatever punishment he was going to get would be a mercy compared what Steve himself would do to him if he even tried to get near Bucky again.

One thing you didn’t mess with was something Steve Rogers loved. This would be a warning.

He felt Bucky shift a little, and whine softly as if having a nightmare and leaned over, using his other hand to stroke his hair softly. “You’re safe…” He repeated to him, kissing his head. “At ease Soldier.”

Bucky seemed to calm and the trembling stopped for the moment. The tenseness left his grip. Steve left his lips on his head for a little longer until it stopped completely. And then he just settled back and watched him. Just feeling grateful that he was able to find him this time. To save him. It might not have made for missing his hand on the train that time, but it was something.

_After midnight.._ he told himself. _We are going to have a little chat.._

He leaned over and kissed him on the head again, brushing some hair away from his face, which was bruised and cut but still beautiful to him and always would be. He was a beautiful person in general in spite of the darkness that surrounded him. In spite of the pain he was in, or maybe because of it. He would recover this too. He was stronger than he believed himself to be too.

“I love you.” He whispered to him, hoping he could hear in his deep, drug-induced sleep. “We’re gonna get through this.” He squeezed his own eyes just held his lips to his head. “The both of us.”

Laying his head there against Bucky’s, listening to him breathe. Hearing the sounds of life, he knew all those statements were true. It would be a tough road for them both but they had each other. It was all that mattered.

He would still pay that bastard a visit later. He hadn’t changed his mind there either. But for right now, he simply sat there with Bucky, letting him know he was there in his darkest places. And that he always would be. The words inscribed on his bracelet were not trivial._ I’m with you til the end of the line._

He felt Bucky’s hand in his, flexing slightly in reaction to his words, as much he could and smiled. They were both fighters. Neither would back away from a fight ever and this was no different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there was a lot of angst in this chapter and I'm sorry (but not really) for that. It was already going this way long before the real world shit his that proverbial fan, but I won't lie that didn't influence some aspects which I will get into towards the end of these notes. 
> 
> The chapter initially deals with Bucky taking the upper hand on his tormentor. The use of the taser and the way he struck him very reminiscnet of his own abuse at the hands of Hydra, some of this seen in canon. Electrics shocks to the head and back-handed slaps being prime examples of this. The idea was to put the shoe on the other foot for a while and let the victim take control. It's not advocating it, because we obviously all don't have the skills Bucky has but it's somewhat empowering in some ways for him. 
> 
> His decision not to kill him then, or later, is there to show how much he has changed though. How much he has, and stands to lose if he gives in to that impulse and allows himself to become a killer. Realizing the Colonel will own him if he does that. It showed much more to resist that in that moment and its what i was going for there. 
> 
> Now obviously he gets loose and that changes the situation, especially with Steve being threatened and all. And also considering his state of mind at that point as well. It still took restraint and intervention on the part of his loved ones to stop him then, because he was all messed up at that point. 
> 
> The seriousness of his injuries are not gratuitous in any way, but are meant show A) the repercussions of what many would call a 'reclkless' action and B) just how strong he is. That that amount of injury doesn't keep from fighting for himself and especially for Steve. It was meant to be symbolic of how strong Bucky is in general to have survived everything he has and be able to still get up and keep moving. But make no mistake he's hurt pretty bad and it will take time to fully recover. 
> 
> Steve's angle in this, running between worry and anger at first, and then absolute terror at the potential of losing Bucky, to outright anger directed at the Colonel was was important to show too. How it's affecting him directly when this happens. That threat toward the Colonel was not an idle one either, there will be another confrontation ins spite of Sharon and others warning against it. He's hit a point where the stress and protectiveness might override his reason and cause a rash act as well. That is upcoming. 
> 
> I do like bringing Sharon back in too, she will play a role upcoming as well. And as if you didn't notice I gave Wanda a POV section as well, because I just wanted to get her thoughts on all this. And of course the inclusion of Bucky's mom in his minds dreamscape during his unconciousness and surgery was somethign I wanted to do as well. To sort show the female influence in Bucky's story as well. He needed to talk to her even if she was just in his mind. For his own comfort and piece of mind. 
> 
> Now the influence of outside events was shown at first in the sense of hopelessness and the feeling of being powerless but towards the end I wanted to show resilience in the face of all that. That you can and will survive these things. Bucky squeezing Steve's hand at the end was just that, a sense of not being defeated no matter how scared you might be. And that our greatest strength is our love for each other and unity. As Bucky countered to the Colonels' insistence that he was only strong because of what they did to him, he was always strong, because he was loved and loved others. That's how he survived. It's how we will in the end I believe. :)
> 
> The next chapter will deal with the immediate aftermath of this one, including Steve fufilling his vow to pay the Colonel a vist for a 'chat'. It will also feature a lot of soul-searching for them both as Bucky begins path to recovery from this too. Other than that, no more spoilers. I don't have a name for it yet either to give ny clue. 
> 
> Per usual, thank you all for you wonderful comments and request, which are being heard and filed away to be used when the time is right ;) And as I said before, I hope you are all doing well and keeping safe in these uncertain times <3<3 to all of you


	14. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my tumblr page per usual :)

There had been a part of him that had hoped when he woke up, it would all have a nightmare cooked up by his overwrought mind. That he would open his eyes and he’d be back in his bed with Steve, with Arya curled up next to him with her paws wrapped around his metal arm, and none of it had happened.

No such luck though.

The dull pain that was being held down only by strong painkillers, radiated out from his chest, stomach and right shoulder. Complimented by the dull, disorientation of a headache as well. It hurt every time he took a breath, every time he swallowed. And that thing was still on his face, not allowing him to even try and talk.

Which was upsetting because he had a lot to say for once. Wanting to get that internal pain out as well. The one that caused that stupid sting in his eyes as he opened them, blinking against the low light in the room.

“Hey you.” He heard a familiar voice say. “Long time no see.”

Bucky turned his head to see Wanda there, in place of Steve for the moment, and he was confused at that first. But in a way he was glad too. Maybe it meant Steve was getting some much-needed rest or something. He hoped so. He felt her holding his hand, the flesh one. That arm was not only, once again a pincushion, where several lines were hooked, but he could barely move it. But he could still feel her warm hand. As well as the other one, brushing his hair lovingly.

“Steve had to step out for a little bit.” She explained, her fingers warm on his forehead. “He asked me to stay with you for a while.” She smiled softly at him. “And I thought you might want to talk.”

Bucky blinked at her, to try and convey he wanted to do that, but couldn’t. Which she strangely seemed to understand.

“I know you can’t talk silly.” She said and flattened her hand on his forehead. “But we can talk in here if you want?”

He could feel the warmth of that light on his head, almost see it. A soft, red glow that could turn angry if you crossed her. But it never did with him. It always felt comforting when it touched him. And he knew what she meant by ‘talking’ now. She’d been the only person who had been able to reach him the coma he’d been in over a year and ago. She could walk through his mind and communicate with him when others couldn’t.

He nodded to her, just needing to talk. She smiled and he felt the glow increase on his head until he could feel it inside. And he traveled with it, along corridors in his mind, feeling the physical pain fade as he left it behind to the strange realm inside his head. If anyone could’ve seen his brain rhythm it was like hypnosis but much more complex. Almost like a different state of reality. Bucky still didn’t understand how Wanda could do this. Or how HE himself could respond in this way. It was still strange to him. He was still figuring out this shit even now. And Wanda had helped him considerably with it.

All of sudden he felt sand underneath him and could hear the waves crashing behind him. The sound of people enjoying a ride also filled his ears and when he finally opened his eyes, he couldn’t believe where he was. On the beach at Coney Island. And Wanda was there as well, sitting in the sand next to him, her hair floating in that strange, dreamy way it always had inside. Both of them seemingly dressed for a casual day at the beach.

“How do you do this?” He asked, unable to believe how real it felt. “Cause I mean..”

“I’m not.” She answered, sitting cross-legged with flip flops on, her hands on his. “You are.” She looked around at her surroundings. “Just like before, you create the place and I can just.. go there.”

They seemed to be the only one on the beach, in this reality at least. No one was around. Bucky ran his hand over the warm sand, thinking it was remarkable how real it felt, down to the sun beating down on him. And she was right, it was just like before. The reality of that fractured hallway had been like this too. And he had a hard time believing his mind could do this.

“You like it here.” She observed. “You feel grounded in some way.”

Bucky sighed, feeling a relief he was able to breath in here. “It’s one of the few places that hasn’t changed that’s why.” He told her, looking around. “It still looks like it did then.” He looked down at his hands. “Before all the bad shit.”

“You told me you used to com here as a kid.” Wanda replied. “With your family and with Steve.. that you have good memories here.”

He looked around, seeing the pier and thinking of past and modern times, he and Steve had ducked under there. Usually on rainy days for private trysts and just to be together. Of the Cyclone on the other side, which he’d dragged Steve on a few times. Those memories filled him a warmth he was having a hard time feeling these days.

The other memories, of darker, colder places, kept interfering.

“As opposed to the bad ones.” He said with a chuckle. “Yeah.”

“You know I was going to yell at you.” She told him, pushing a strand of her reddish brown out of her face. “For worrying me again but I decided you didn’t need that right now.” She squeezed his hand. “You’re hurting and blaming yourself enough for all of us I can see it.”

Bucky turned his head to look at the water, watching the waves. “You can yell at me.. cause I was stupid.” He said with resignation in his voice. “I put everyone in danger. Steve almost got killed and I got hurt…I should’ve waited and now here I am.. helpless again because of it and I fucking hate that.”

“Well maybe you were a little stupid.” Wanda said sympathetically, holding her fingers half an inch apart. “Like this much. But I know why you did it. Because he hurt you, that it was personal and you wanted to take care of it yourself.”

That had been part of it. He had hurt him. Badly too. And Bucky would’ve been lying if he said he didn’t want vengeance for himself. He’d denied himself it for a long time, the right to fight for himself and what had been done to him. For everything that had been taken so brutally from him. But what had put him over the edge had been a far less selfish reason he knew. And he needed someone else to know it too.

“It wasn’t all because of that.” He told her, biting his lip. “It was because he was.. threatening everything I loved and I just couldn’t.. sit and around and wait.. until it was too late.”

“You wanted to protect Steve like you always do.” She agreed. “I understand that.. but I still think you wanted it more for yourself and there’s nothing wrong with wanting that. It’s very human.”

He felt the emotion of that, knowing she was right. Not wanting to feel those emotions because it reminded him of the pain he was still really in. The physical and emotional trauma that awaited him when he came out of this. The one that could threaten not only his sanity but what he had with Steve right now. That he could’ve damaged it anyways and it would have to repaired again. Just like his mind and body. It hurt like hell to think of what might be ahead for him. For both of them.

“It hurts.” He admitted to her, letting the emotion come out. “And I’m.. scared.”

Wanda just reached over and hugged him, and even though none of it was really real, it felt real. Everything did. Their surroundings and the comfort. The only clue to its unreality was that funny, wavy look to the air. But even with this he just let her hug him like she was really doing it.

“I know.” She whispered to him. “It’ll get better.. it will.”

Soon he was pulled out of this painless, safe place and back into his pain-wracked body. Back into the ICU of the hospital. Unable to move or talk well. He blinked back tears over this as he looked up at Wanda in a silent thank you for the comfort. Even if he’d just created the images in his head, it felt like a real place. He felt her squeeze his hand and kiss his head.

“You’re welcome.” She whispered to him. “Now get some rest.”

He nodded, because quite frankly, it hurt like hell, in all kinds of ways, and he wanted nothing more than to retreat from it. To hide. And even maybe hide from Steve as well. Needing to lick his wounds away from him. He didn’t want him to have to see the depths of it again, he’d seen enough. It was better if he slept right now.

“Before you sleep though.” She said, interrupting his thoughts. “Someone wants to say goodnight.”

She pulled out her phone and pulled up a video and played it. It showed Arya sitting cutely on her little butt, staring at the phone, her tail twitching. He heard Wanda’s voice on the phone ‘say hi to Daddy.’ And then heard her little meow, before pawing the camera and head-butting it, as if it was him. And Bucky felt even more emotional than before, feeling a lump in his swollen throat. God he just wanted to be home right now. In his bed. But he wasn’t going to be here for a while.

“You have so much to fight for.” Wanda told him. “So much love in your life.. remember that when it hurts okay?”

His hand tightened around hers, hearing those words and knowing their truth. He was going to get through this, even if it hurt like hell for a while. And he let himself got to sleep, letting the medication do its work for now, which the memory Arya’s little meow in head. Reminding him of home.

\--

Steve had no real issues in not just finding his room but getting into it. He was pretty good at the stealth part. Not that he needed it. The security guard watching the door wasn’t hard to fool. It was a third shift, late at night. All you had to do was look like a medical person and he was able to get right in. Just borrowed a pair of scrubs for appearances.

Entering the room where his target was resting, Steve paused for just a moment, thinking of Bucky. Remembering the way he’d looked when he’d left. With IV lines stuck in him, hooked up to a respirator, bruises on his neck. Looking pale and vulnerable. The way he’d been shaking and having a panic attacks upon waking the first time. That he couldn’t even convey how he felt because of his injuries.

This man, in this room, had caused them. And many other internal ones as well.

He wedged a chair under the door so they wouldn’t be disturbed and walked around the bed. Kovalev had been hurt no doubt. Pretty seriously but he didn’t look anywhere near as bad as Bucky had. Which hardly seemed fair to Steve. Yeah, he was bruised and cut up. Had what looked like burns on his face. Had been shot but considering he didn’t look on death’s door. And, Steve observed, he was handcuffed to the bed as well.

He was happy to see that Bucky had done his share of damage though. There was satisfaction in that.

Steve saw him start to wake up and notice him, and quickly put his hand over his mouth, leaning over and grabbing a hold the man’s personal oxygen line as well. “Don’t even bother you piece of shit.” He hissed at him. “You’d be dead by the time they got here.”

The man just stared up at him for a moment and nodded, letting Steve take his hand off his mouth. “Hello Captain Rogers.” He said to him in that still smug voice. “Come to finish what your husband started?”

“No but I can make it very unpleasant for you.” Steve replied, holding the air hose in his hand contemplatively. “I’m here to talk and you’re here to listen.”

“Then speak.” The man said dismissively. “I have a plane to catch in a few hours.”

He said it nonchalantly, as if he was just going on a vacation. Steve didn’t care for it. Like this was boring to him or something. He had plans on changing that. So he squeezed the tube a little, cutting off his air, causing him to gasp a little for air.

“Their gonna take you, and they are gonna hang for everything you’ve ever done, you can count on that.” Steve told him, releasing some air into the line. “But before that consider this a warning… if you ever come near him.. try to contact him again… you will die. And no one will know.. or even care. “ He leaned over him menacingly. “Who the hell is gonna care about a piece of shit like you to be honest?”

“You’d kill me Captain?” The man gasped, fighting for air. “That doesn’t seem your style.” He gave Steve a cocky grin. “Although I understand being possessive.. he is a rather beautiful specimen… a nice piece of ass they say in this country.”

Upon hearing that vulgar description of Bucky, Steve squeezed the air tube again, even more so, cutting the air off completely. He saw Kovalev struggle for breath and made sure to make him suffer quite a bit before allowing the air back in.

“You don’t get to talk about him that way.” Steve growled at him. “After what you did to him, you don’t’ get to even think about him.”

“But he thinks about me Captain Rogers.” The man sneered at him. “You think he doesn’t? I taught him everything he knows about being a good.. little...pet.. and you can’t stand it can you?”

He was enjoying himself that was clear, and he disgusted Steve. Thinking of this piece of shit putting his hands on Bucky and doing those things to him. To hold him on a chain like a slave and use him in so any different ways. And it was touching that part of his mind that wondered if Bucky did think about it. Especially when they got rough. Did he remember this man and his depravity, or even the other one, the one who’d forced him to his knees and made him do other things. Bucky had reassured him many times he didn’t, but Steve still had doubts sometimes about this. And this bastard had touched that nerve. And hard known it too.

“He’s not your ‘pet..’” Steve told him, leaning over him. “He hates everything you and your friends did.”

“But he can’t get it out of his head can he Captain?” The man sneered again. “Or maybe it’s you who can’t?”

It pissed him that that asshole was once again on target. As if it was on his face. That he was that readable. “You don’t know anything.”

The man just smiled in a more sinister. “Oh I know a lot more than you think _Captain.._” He responded and Steve could see the mirth in his eyes. “I know it eats you alive what happened between me and your.. _beloved_..” The sneer grew on his face. “That he wasn’t purely _yours_..”

Steve squeezed the line again at this insinuation of a mutual relationship, holding it longer this time, and grabbed his face hard. “I should just keep holding it until you choke.” Steve told him, looking right into his eyes. “How does it feel to know I could do anything I wanted to you right now and you can’t do a damn thing to stop me.” He held the line that he was cutting off as he watched him struggle for air. “To have someone control your entire existence? You enjoying yourself now asshole?”

He watched him continue to struggle for air, hands pulling against his cuff restraints as he did. Steve wanted to make him suffer for as long as possible before allowing an inch of air in his lungs. Wanted him to feel what Bucky felt every day he was in that hellhole. What he was feeling now just struggling to breathe himself.

“Here’s the deal.” Steve hissed at him, enjoying watching him finally start to get fearful. “You’re never gonna have him. Because he never belonged to you.” He held onto the tube a little longer. “He’s mine.. I get him every night and I don’t need a chain to keep him there. Choke on that.”

Steve hated talking about Bucky like a possession, but it was the only language this asshole understood. The knowledge that Steve had the one thing this piece of shit ever wanted would probably be enough to eat at him. He could see it in his eyes too. That angry look of child whose favorite toy had been taken away. Steve thought it suited him.

It didn’t mean however that he didn’t feel that possessive feeling though. The idea of something that was his being touched or violated in that way. It was a deep, primal emotion he had learned to live with as well. Bucky was his, in every way possible. But not because he forced him to be. He gave that to him freely. And that just made Steve even more protective as a result. It made him not want to let go of that tube. Wanting him to suffocate right there and end it for Bucky. But he also realized in a way it wasn’t for Bucky, it was for himself. And if he followed through, it would always be with them.

But it was tempting.

Gradually he let the air flow back in, hearing the other man gag and gasp for air as he leaned over him still. “What’s wrong?” He asked sarcastically. “Cat got your tongue?”

“I knew you wouldn’t..” The man said in a raspy voice. “You lack that killer instinct that once made him great.” He coughed violently. “Now he’s weak.. just like you.”

“No.” Steve said simply, rising up, continuing to keep the anger under control. Barely. “We’re just better than you that’s all.”

He turned to walk away, not wanting to be near him anymore. Just touching him disgusted Steve. He felt slimy and dangerous. The type of person that brought out the worst in everyone around him. He wanted to be back with Bucky. To help him through the painful recovery he was about to go through. To love him and give him comfort. Revenge paled in comparison to that in his mind.

“I’ll never be out of his head.” The man called out in an angry, raspy voice. “Or yours.”

He stopped for a moment at the door, feeling that tinge of fear that he was correct. That he would think about this for a long time. Like he did with the other. Fearing this doubt in his mind could cause a rift between him and Bucky if he let it fester, but didn’t know how to deal with it other than to just shove it down. And he sure as hell was not going to let that bastard know he was feeling this. So he internally steadied himself.

“Once I leave this room.” He told him with his back to him. “You’ll cease to matter to either of us.”

He then walked out without waiting for a reply. He just focused on making his way back to Bucky unseen.

Bucky wasn’t the only one who could move unseen. He was just better at it.

When he got back to the room, Bucky was asleep, being watched by Wanda. She looked up at him and smiled. And then got a strange look on her face as if she had an inkling of what he’d been up to. Maybe she did.

“Did you do what needed to do?” She asked curiously, getting up to approach him.

“Yeah.” He answered, looking at Bucky over her shoulder. “How is he?”

“He was awake for a while but.” She turned herself, looking back at him herself. “But he’s back to sleep now.” She seemed to bite her lip. “He’s in a lot of pain but he can’t say it.”

He knew it was true. Pam had said he needed the ventilator for a few days until the interior wound closed. Which meant Bucky wouldn’t be able to express his feelings verbally for a while. Not that he liked to anyways, but when he was in this much pain it was worse. It made him feel helpless. And it had fueled his anger earlier.

“I know.” He said with a sigh, running his hands through his hair. “I just.. I don’t know what to do .”

Wanda looked at him, putting her hands on his face. “Just be here.” She told him. “In this moment.. not wherever your head is.. He needs all of you here right now.. the rest can wait.”

Steve nodded, he had to keep his head in the game now for Bucky. Trying to put that man’s words out of his head. _I know it eats you alive what happened between me and your.. beloved.. That he wasn’t purely yours.. _Those words burned in him, causing his fists to clench.But she was right. He had to let it go for now.

“Yeah I get it.” He replied. “I’m here now.”

She smiled and gave him a tight hug. “Just talk to him okay?” She whispered to him. “There are more ways to connect than just words.”

And as he sat there with him later, watching his eyes open, seeing the pain in them, but also some happiness as well. The metal arm lifted and touched his face, those smooth, strangely warm fingers that were uniquely his. He even smiled under the mask, his teal blue eyes showing a little less haze than before. Steve wrapped own hand around the lower part of the arm, feeling the metal segments move in that strangely lifelike way and smiled back. All thoughts of that other left for the moment.

“Hey you.” He said softly to him, his other hand clearing a errant brown strand of hair away from his face. “I’m back.” He kissed that hand and then his head. “I’m not going anywhere anymore.”

And he didn’t. Just watched Bucky, watching him communicate in a silent way that he understood. And didn’t think about anything else for now. This was what was important. To get him through this part of it.

\--

Bucky spent the next few days (he wasn’t sure how many) off and on sleeping. Only aware of certain things. Like that his mouth felt like sandpaper under that thing on his face, his lips dry and cracked. That it still hurt to breath, but it was a dull ache because it was clear he was on heavy meds. And that right arm just wouldn’t move off the bed at all. He had feeling in it, just couldn’t move it.

Steve was there was all the time. The only way Bucky could tell passage of time was by the fact that he had on different color shirts and that he hadn’t shaved. He remembered seeing Wanda as well. And Pam of course. But most of it was a fuzzy blur of pain and confusion.

There was also one point where he was woken by a flash of light and a commotion. It was all a blur of images he couldn’t decipher, but was soon greeted by an agitated looking Steve, who, along with a nurse seemed to be checking him over.

“They’re gone Buck.” He was reassured, just adding to his confusion. And Steve seemed to direct a question to the nurse. “How the hell did they get in here?”

Bucky’s eyes flicked back and forth between the two of them as the nurse answered. “I don’t know Captain Rogers, but we are going to find out.”

He grabbed Steve’s arm with the metal arm, needing to know what was going on. His addled mind at that point was filled with paranoia about the possibility of the Colonel escaping, or one of his minions coming for him. Bucky was certain he still had them out and about. He had no proof but how else would he have known where to find him. He searched Steve’s face desperately for information.

“Don’t worry about it Buck it’s okay.” Was his answer, which didn’t help. But Bucky felt his eyes fluttering shut at the feel of Steve’s hand on his head, stroking his hair comfortingly. “You’re safe.”

It pissed him off that he couldn’t talk yet. It hurt to even try. His throat still felt swollen and the breathing tube didn’t help that. He learned later it was the only thing that was keeping one of his lungs, the punctured one, from collapsing, but at the time it just upset him. He knew Steve could see that too, because, quite honestly, he was doing his best to communicate with him that way.

He went to sleep again and then woke up to hearing Steve on the phone talking to someone. “Just don’t talk to them okay?” He said, his voice sounding irritated. “I know you know that.. I’m sorry it’s just one of them got in here and took his damn picture.”

Who took his picture? Bucky was confused again. This was the problem with the situation he was in, he was only getting half the story. It was maddening. He struggled to keep his eyes open long enough to listen to the rest of what Steve was saying to whoever he was talking to.

“If they got questions Tony will handle them.” Steve continued, running his hand through his hair. “He’s better at this shit the rest of us.” He saw Steve turn to the window, looking out at the street mostly. “I’m sorry I’m just pissed off.”

It went on like that for a bit and then Bucky saw Steve hang up the phone and turn to him. He didn’t even bother to pretend to be asleep because, quite honestly, he was tired of being in the dark with all of this. He watched as Steve came over and put his hand on his shoulder comfortingly. Bucky looked up at him, giving a look was demanding and answer, and it was interesting how easily Steve was able to read that.

“The press got wind of what happened.” He explained, taking a deep breath. “They’ve been all over us for several days and one of them.. got in here yesterday and took a picture of you.”

The press? Picture? Yesterday? It had been that long. His mind was whirling, realizing what that meant. There was a media circus. And why would he have been surprised by that? It involved the Avengers and he was, well, married to one of them. He felt himself shaking, his heart monitor going off a little more than it should.

“It’s okay they’re not getting in her again.” Steve reassured him. “They locked it down for now, only certain people can in and none of them are press.”

He felt a little better about that, but he was still scared. Felt helpless. Like anyone could get to him here. Even in an ICU ward. He could barely move, hooked up all over the place. He couldn’t protect himself. All he wanted at the moment was just be able to crawl back into Steve’s arms again. Hating himself for feeling that weak but his mind was all over the place right now.

Remembering being down in the tunnel. Of fighting with the Colonel and how the rest was in red smeared flashes of memory. The sanctity of sleep was one of the few places where he found a reprieve from everything. But he was scared sooner or later the nightmares would come back. It was almost a certainty.

He wrapped his metal arm around Steve’s arm again and whimpered softly, and Steve responded by lifting him slightly so that he could get his arm around the back of Bucky’s neck without moving him too much and leaned over once again to hold him as best he could. It hurt a little but once he didn’t care about that. He just wanted the comfort again.

“I know.” He whispered in his hair. “I got you.”

Bucky’s metal hand flexed into Steve’s back and he cursed that he couldn’t move the other one. He could feel it, it just wouldn’t respond to his efforts and ached like hell when he tried. He felt Steve pull back and lean his head against Bucky’s, his fingers tangled in Bucky’s very messy hair. It felt like he was combing it and it felt so comforting, calming his conflicted mind.

“We’re gonna get through this okay?” Steve said softly to him, those fingers working their magic. “Until then just let me take care of you for now.”

Bucky had prided himself on the fact that he could take care of himself. It had let to many fights when it felt like Steve was babying him. And it had driven the actions that landed him in here now. But now he wasn’t going to fight that. He didn’t have the strength to even complain about it. Truth is, right now he couldn’t take care of himself. And to admit that to himself was a big deal. There would come a time when independence would be reasserted but for now, he would just allow it. He was just hurting too much right now. He just wanted to be protected and was starting to realize that was okay to feel that way.

He felt Steve’s hand find his other one, the one that wouldn’t move, and wrap their fingers together. He nodded against Steve’s head and willed his fingers curled around Steve’s and they did. It took a supreme effort, but it was worth it.

“End of the line jerk.” Steve said with a soft smile. “Don’t you ever forget that.”

Bucky smiled, a bit painfully and squeezed his hand, also painfully, in answer to this. He’d never forget it. Ever. That knowledge had saved his life in all the important ways. Remembering Steve saying that in a critical moment, waking him up finally from the nightmare he’d lived for decades.

He closed his eyes, surrendering to the feeling of being loved and protected. Thinking his angry little punk had come a long way from when they were kids. He was the protector now and that was okay.

\--

It was the beginning of Bucky’s fifth day in the ICU when they were finally able to take him off the ventilator and Steve was relieved for that. Under normal circumstances this many people near him might have caused a problem but seeing as how he was still on some heavy medication it kept him calm during it.

He hated being there but he was maintaining calm for now.

The first thing he wanted was water of course. He’d been getting fluids through his IV so there was no worry of dehydration, but Steve could tell even a day or so ago how dry his mouth was. His lips were chapped and cracking from the dryness despite some treatment. And he was still pale, those now slightly fading bruises still standing out on his neck even now.

But he was breathing on his own now, his lung had healed up enough, and that was a victory in of itself.

“Water..” He rasped, unable to go much over a whisper right now. “Please..”

After the nurse retrieved it, they were left alone, so Steve held his head up so he could drink some more water. And had to help him hold the cup as well, since the right arm wasn’t able to. But he could at least somewhat move it now. Even though the serum didn’t help with acute, traumatic injuries, it did help them heal faster than an average person. But Bucky still wouldn’t be lifting weights any time soon Pam had warned. 

“It just means you’ll have 3 months recovery rather than the usual 6.” She informed them. “And that we should be able to move you to the Medical Center in a couple of days as well.” Bucky seemed to frown at the idea of staying in the ICU of this hospital for any longer and Pam noticed. “I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s because of the nature of the injuries we want to be sure that’s all.”

So it meant at least two more days in this place. And then he could move closer to home. They were still targeting at least another week in the hospital after that. Bucky wasn’t happy about that either but there was really nothing he could do about it. Steve had to admit, it was good to see him something other than fearful. Some of that ornery bear was coming back.

“Well this just means I gotta take care of you a little longer.” Steve mused as helped him with his water. “Guess I gotta ask Tony for a longer leave.”

Bucky almost spit the water back out, Steve wasn’t sure whether it was an attempt at making a scoffing noise or he was choking on the coldness of the water. It was probably a combination of both. He softly soothed Bucky’s bruised throat, fingers running over the now yellowing marks there. He felt Bucky flinch slightly, from pain or fear, he couldn’t tell but he kept doing it until he was able to relax and swallow again. This would take some time too. Getting his throat used to drinking and eating again. One thing at a time.

“Good luck.. with that..” Bucky croaked and Steve couldn’t help but chuckle. “What’s.. so funny punk?”

Steve tried to stifle the rest of that chuckle. “You just sound like a frog that’s all.”

“Well I did….have a.. tube shoved down my.. throat.” Bucky retorted, laboring a little as he did. “Among.. other things..”

“I know jerk.” Steve said sympathetically. “It’s just good to hear you talk, even like this.”

He brushed Bucky’s hair gently and leaned down to give him a soft kiss, right on the lips. Something he hadn’t been able to do for nearly 5 days now. They felt as dry and chapped as they looked but it was still heaven just the same. Just to have him here to be able to kiss. He felt Bucky’s metal hand wrap itself around the back of his head for a moment. Another thing he missed.

“What was that for?” Bucky asked, his blue eyes looking a bit hazy, and not from any drug.

Steve smiled, leaning his head against Bucky’s. “I just missed kissing you that’s all.”

He watched as Bucky cutely bit his lip the way he always did, and then seemed to get a troubled look on his face. As if remembering where he was. He watched as he looked around the room and back at Steve, looking apologetic now.

“I screwed up.” He rasped out, looking at his hands, resting on the top of his gown. Right in the place where Steve knew his worst wound was. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve said as gently as he could, putting his hand on Bucky’s. “I know why you did it.” He let his finger trail over the wedding ring on Bucky’s finger. “I’m not mad.”

Bucky looked down at their hands together again. “You should be..” He said with a regretfully tone. And Steve could see he was struggling with every word. “It was a stupid thing to do.” He chuckled roughly. “I’m supposed to be.. the smart one..”

Pushing out those words caused him to cough harshly and wince as he did. It hurt to see that. He put one hand on Bucky’s head and the other softly on his chin to steady him until the fit went away. And then soothed his throat, once again skating over those horrid marks on his neck. Listening to him still struggle sometimes for air.

“Do you need me to get the nurse?” He asked, continuing to try and comfort him.

Bucky waved him off. “No..” He rasped. “It just.. still hurts to breath.” His flesh hand pressed into his stomach. “He got me good.”

Steve knew more of the extent of Bucky’s injuries than the latter did. Knew his lung had gotten punctured somehow and collapsed as a result and that was why he’d had to be on the ventilator so long. That it had had to be repaired along with the damage to his spleen while he was on the table. Most of this resulting from the deep stab in his abdomen. The separated shoulder was from the fight and the severely bruised neck as well. Fortunately, the swelling was finally down on that. But every time Steve looked at it it made him angry all over again. Wishing he had finished off that prick the other day.

“He’s never gonna get you again.” Steve told him, watching his eyes flick back up to Steve. “They took him away several days ago.. he’s nowhere near here.”

Bucky nodded, as if he expected this. He didn’t ask any more questions about it. Possibly conserving his voice. Or maybe just didn’t want to know or think about it right now. For which Steve was relieved. Because he didn’t want to answer them. Didn’t want to think about that mans words. _Maybe its your head I’m_ _in _… all the insinuations of what he’d done. He wanted to focus on Bucky right now. He could deal with that later.

“What about the.. press?” Bucky asked, as he was finally settling back into his bed. “You said they.. got in.”

Steve did an inward growl at that. “We’re taking care of it.” He told him simply. “Don’t worry. About that now.”

He was still pissed about that too. He’d gone to get a drink and that asshole with the camera had somehow finagled that information out of a staff member. The hospital was still investigating on that. Steve had remembered barely restraining himself from beating the crap out of that guy too. And even so the sensationalized story was in the paper the next day along with the picture of Bucky hooked up to the machines. Tony had been doing his best to diffuse the media firestorm that had come when the press had gotten wind that Captain America’s husband had gotten seriously injured.

It hadn’t helped that they’d gotten a statement from Kovalev himself trying to portray himself as some innocent victim defending himself from the ‘obviously unstable former Winter Soldier’. The authorities, who had all the information weren’t buying it, but the press was having a field day with it. And Steve didn’t want to have to tell Bucky this. Especially after all the work he’d done to restore his name.

They had even been hanging around their house, trying to get information. Including harassing Wanda, who’d been looking after the house and the cat while they were gone. It was a mess. And Steve knew Bucky would have to face it sooner or later. But right now, he just needed to concentrate on getting better.

“Was I in the paper?” Bucky asked, swallowing painfully. “On the tv? He squeezed his eyes shut. “Like this?”

“It doesn’t matter right now Buck.” Steve told him, his hands on his face. “Right now you just need to concentrate on getting better.”

Bucky did not look like he was accepting this answer though. “It does… matter..” He said painfully, his heart monitor beeping a little more. “Just.. tell me.. dammit..”

Steve just looked at him painted. There was no good answer here. Telling him would hurt him, but he couldn’t lie to him either. Because Bucky would see through it. He might have been drugged up and in pain, but there was nothing wrong with his powers of perception. He’d sniff it out.

“Yeah.” He admitted finally. “We tried to get it blocked but.. we couldn’t.” He stroked Bucky’s hair gently. “I’m so sorry Buck.”

Bucky looked up at the ceiling with just such a pained look of betrayal. It was such a violation of his privacy, for someone to just take a picture of him looking so hurt and vulnerable. With everything that had happened, this was just the icing on the cake. He could see in Bucky’s eyes that look of knowing all the work he’d done had been undone. He saw the flashes of anger, and worse, guilt. Like he’d brought this on himself.

“What a mess.” He said, emotion edging that his raspy voice. “And this time.. it’s all on me..”

Steve leaned over him, holding his face a little tighter. He couldn’t hear that from him. That defeated sound in his voice. “No it wasn’t. None of this was.” He told him adamantly. “That asshole hurt you and you fought back. Don’t give him the satisfaction of giving in now you hear me?”

Bucky flicked his eyes back to Steve, the teal blue irises once again wet with tears being held back. “I’m not.” He choked out, causing him to cough again painfully. “It’s the truth though. “

He could see nothing he was going to say was going to convince him otherwise right now. And it would come out as hollow anyways because there was a part of Steve’s mind that maybe agreed it with it. And he hated himself for it. The fact that he was still angry deep inside over Bucky’s actions. It was something he’d have to work out too. That they would hash out at a better more appropriate time. Right now, he needed support through this ordeal.

“Whatever you believe about yourself right now Buck just know this. “He said as he looked down at him. “I love you no matter what and I always will.”

“I know..” Bucky answered, turning his eyes back to Steve. “I’m just.. tired.. “ He put his hand to his throat. “It hurts to…talk..”

The fact that he didn’t say it back stung a little, but it wasn’t unusual when Bucky was hurting like this. Steve knew he loved him, he had no doubt about it, but for some reason he rarely answered in times like this. He supposed it was just a reflexive defense mechanism. To shut down like this after being so badly hurt and feeling vulnerable.

He leaned back over him and kissed his head this time. “Then you should rest.” He whispered to him, holding Bucky’s face and pressing his own against his. “It’s okay to do that.”

He went to pull back and Bucky grabbed his arm, the metal fingers digging into his flesh as if he didn’t want him to go away just yet. “I’m sorry..” He rasped to Steve, his eyes still having that wet look. “I love you.. I do..”

The metal hand slid up and wrapped around Steve’s head and he was kissed again, those chapped lips pressing into his, holding him to him. He could feel the metal fingers dig into his hair, felt Bucky’s chest heaving up to touch his. Felt that deep feeling of love he knew that other bastard would never feel. Wishing the circumstances were different. That he could just make love to him right here and they both could forget their doubts for a while.

But right now this pure, sweet kiss was enough for them both.

\--

He was finally discharged from the ICU a few days later. Even though he didn’t feel remarkably different, he had been able to breathe on his own for 48 hours and now could be cared for at a smaller hospital. That meant he could go back to the Medical Center where he was more comfortable. Which was a relief.

But Bucky did get to see a glimpse of what was waiting outside when he was brought to ambulance. The press, eager to get a look at him. But they were kept safely back by a barrier. And Steve glared at a few of them who tried to breach the line. Bucky was actually grateful, and proud of his punk for improving that ‘don’t fuck with me’ glare from angry Chihuahua to Rottweiler.

“You’re such a good boy.” He told him in the ambulance, his voice improving but still raspy. “Once I feel better you might get a treat.”

Steve gave him a quizzical look before he and the EMT actually laughed. Which caused Bucky to smile. There wasn’t much that made him happy lately but that did. He himself however couldn’t laugh because it still hurt like hell. But that didn’t matter really. His own happiness wasn’t anywhere near as important as Steve’s.

After a bumpy ambulance ride, in which he couldn’t help but complain about the potholes, he was finally brought to the Brooklyn Medical Center, where he got his own private room again. And there was a very strict list of people that could be in there. Between the burly orderlies and Steve, Bucky had confidence no unauthorized person was getting in.

“Do you want the good news or the bad news?” Pam asked as cheerfully as possible.

“Might as well get the bad over with.” Bucky said, trying to get comfortable. “Hit me with it.”

“Well the bad news you’re probably going to be our guest in here for another week.” She told him, checking the laptop monitor. “But the good news you the best staff possible at your service while you’re here. “ She tapped a key on the monitor and turned back to him. “And I don’t think you’re going to need any more ventilation right now, your lung seems to be holding air on its own. So we’re just keeping you here to monitor you to make sure it stays that way.”

He wasn’t happy about having to stay for another week, but the rest was somewhat good news. He was still in quite a bit of pain he knew, and his movement was limited to a large degree. And had a feeling he would still need some regular oxygen too, judging by the tank nearby.

“I also would like to see if maybe you could try getting up and walking around the room a little.” Shye suggested. “Just a little a first, just in the room and we can gradually work you up to a hall walk. It’s to strengthen your lungs. You got one good one and one that’s not so good and it needs exercise.”

“I guess.” He said, wiggling his feet a little. “I have been on my back all week supposed it can’t hurt.” He saw an amused look on Steve’s face and just couldn’t help but throw it out there. “I mean I know hubby here likes me that way, but I’d like to be upright again.”

Pam actually chuckled into her hand a little at that and Steve gave him a warning look. “Behave yourself jerk.”

“Make me punk.” He sassed back, liking this bit of normalcy. “But yeah we’ll give a go later.”

“Remember just around the room once.” She told him. “Don’t do anything strenuous.” She gave him a warning look. “I mean that.”

“Yes ma’am.” Bucky said earnestly, and then coughed. He hadn’t talked this much in a while, his throat was getting used to it.

Later after she was gone Steve turned to him and wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head gently, bunching up his hair a little. “You’re being a brat there Sergeant Barnes.” He whispered as he gave him a kiss on the head. “But at least your cute brat.”

Bucky grinned at that and grabbed his shirt with his metal hand, ignoring the pain in his abdomen and pulled his lips to his. Just wanting to kiss him. And he put a little sauce on it too. As much as he could do at the moment. He wasn’t sure why he felt so playful all of a sudden, thinking maybe he was a little stoned from the pain killers, but he didn’t care. Just wanted to give his spouse a solid kiss. With a little tongue and everything.

He was breathing hard by the time he was done, but once again he didn’t care about that. It was worth it. He took some ragged gulps of air as he laid his head against Steve’s. whose hand was still tangled in his hair.

“Been wanting to do that for a while.” He breathed, his eyes half lidded. “Was worth the wait.”

“You know you do need to take it easy.” Steve admonished, but too strenuously. “You heard what she said.”

Bucky chuckled and gripped his shirt a little tighter with his metal fingers. “C’mon punk lighten up, all I did was kiss you.” He replied sassily. “It’s not like I was riding you or something.”

Steve gave him one of those looks that if Bucky had been healthy, might’ve led something. But this time it only led to another kiss, which Bucky was happy to accept. It felt okay right now. There was still a lot of mess in his head but right now he felt safe where he was. Whether it was that or the effects of the drugs didn’t matter in the slightest. They were safely away from the outside world and the pain and chaos that was most likely waiting there.

“Riding me huh?” Steve said as he pulled back again. “Just had to put that image in my head didn’t you jerk?”

Bucky actually giggled and pulled Steve a little closer so he could nuzzle his neck because he couldn’t bend like that yet. “Well I am kinda stoned punk.” He told him, burying his face in that warm crease. “Everything in my head is just.. falling out of my mouth..”

He wrapped metal arm around Steve’s back and let him pull him up a little so he could snuggle against him a little more. The right arm still was uncooperative as hell though, and even in this state that pissed him off. He felt Steve’s other hand entwined his fingers into that hand and lift it carefully so it was comfortable. Bucky smiled and nuzzled his face more further into his neck, content to just stay like that.

“Well I think it’s adorable to be honest.” Steve told him as he buried his face in Bucky’s hair. “You’re adorable.”

Bucky smiled against his neck. “Maybe so but I think my ass is hanging out now.”

He then felt Steve’s hand fix the gown to cover any exposed areas and Bucky thought this was the sweetest thing ever. Feeling his lips curve into the sappiest smile as a result. He once again felt protected. Cared for. And instead of resisting this feeling and resenting it, he embraced it. Let the feeling flow through him.

“Thanks punk.” He purred to him, nuzzling against him even more now, ignoring any pain this caused. “For always watching my ass.”

Steve chuckled and nuzzled his hair. “Well it does need protecting.” He teased. “I mean look how precious it is.”

He knew he wasn’t just talking about his ass, and once again felt that feeling of being protected very strongly. He’d grown up being taught a real man didn’t need protection. That he took care of himself. Men do the protecting. It wasn’t until he’d made himself vulnerable enough to Steve again that he understood how bullshit that really was. That it didn’t make him weak to need it sometimes. It made him stronger just admit he did.

And suddenly he needed to know something, feeling himself sober enough to accept the answer. “Where is he?” He asked, his throat feeling dry as he did. “What did they do with him?”

Steve pulled back, and laid Bucky back against the pillow carefully. “They took him about 5 days ago.” He answered, his hands on his face, fingers stroking it softly. “They took him far from here. He’ll never get to you again.”

“Where?” He asked, wanting to know for certain. “How far is far away?”

“The Hague.” Steve told him, those fingers still moving softly on his face. “War Crimes tribunal.”

Bucky looked away, thinking about that. Knowing what that meant. Everything would become even more public than it would be now. Because of his relationship to an Avenger and the notoriety of who he’d been, it would be big news. International news. It would just heighten the press interest leading up to it. And he knew that might mean something else as well.

“Will I have to.. testify?” He asked, still looking at the window. “If there’s a trail I mean?”

“You don’t have to.” Steve answered. “Sharon said it was up to you. If you don’t want to you can just make a statement like you did with Zemo.”

Bucky thought about it, thought about the things that had been done to him. Some were public and some weren’t. And he knew he had to decide sooner or later whether he wanted those things public. The pros and cons of it all. That feeling of being exposed publicly made him want to wrap his arms around himself if he could right now. But a part of him knew it might good for him too. But he was scared, still leery of showing too much yet. At least publicly.

“What do you think I should do?” He asked, looking back at Steve, needing an answer because he didn’t have one.

“It’s not up to me Buck.” Steve replied with a soft look. “Its your decision.”

Once again it was up to him. Even after all these years, sometimes it still came as shock to him that things like this were left up to him. Amelia had told him he’d spent decades having everything decided for him. Who he was and what he did, everything. That he was still working through it even now. Steve had sometimes confused him by letting him decide important things for himself. And he was grateful for that now. For that encouragement. Because he still had doubts and apprehension. He still had things to work out.

“I need a little more time.” Bucky pushed out, biting his lip. “You know.. to…think.”

“Of course Buck.” Steve said to him, brushing his hair back with his fingers. “You don’t have to decide right now.”

He felt some relief on that, but also knew he was simply putting off an important decision. But he knew as well that he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make that kind of decision. Was still too raw right now, too injured inside and out. That he had to take time to heal and recover. To process it all properly. He just wasn’t ready. So maybe some procrastination wasn’t a bad idea right now.

“I think I might.. try walking around a little.” He said finally, changing the subject. “If that’s okay?”

“Alright?” Steve agreed, okay with the subject change. “Come on.” He got up and leaned over, wrapping an arm around Bucky’s waist carefully. “I got you.”

Trusting Steve to hold on to him he painfully moved his legs to swing around the bed and got them over the side of it. And then very carefully, with Steve’s help got his feet, which had these colored little socks with treads on them, onto the floor. He used the metal arm to hold onto Steve, holding the other close to his body for support and with Steve’s help was on his feet. Feeling a bit dizzy and unsteady but pushing through it.

“Never thought I’d had to learn how to walk again.” He said with a chuckle as he took a tentative step. “Who’d a thunk it?”

It wasn’t so much the walking he knew, it was the breathing. His legs worked fine, but they were weak from being in bed so long and his lungs were tired already. It was annoying to be honest. He knew the walking would help strengthen his lungs, but it sucked. His damn ribs ached with every moevemnt. His abdomen, where the injury was, was sore as well, but he powered through it as best he could.

“Kinda reminds me of when we first got drunk as kids remember?” Steve asked, strongly holding him up and walking him around the room. “You’re at least steadier than you were then.”

“Bullshit punk.” Bucky countered, taking another tentative step. “I was fine.. you were that couldn’t walk.. in fact I had to carry you if I recall.”

“Stop arguing with me jerk.” Steve retorted. “We were both drunk, you were just taller.”

Bucky laughed at that, happy for the distraction. “What does being tall have to do with being drunk?”

They argued back and forth about it for a while as Steve continued to his part of ‘for better or worse, in sickness and health’ than anyone Bucky could think of. And as he tired, didn’t feel he even had the strength in his legs to get back to the bed, he felt Steve pick him up with one arm, and move his IV pole with the other like a pro.

“You know what?” Bucky said as Steve laid him back down. “I think I’ll keep ya punk.”

Steve smiled as he straightened out Bucky’s right arm and the IV line. “I’m glad I passed the test jerk.”

Bucky smiled and before he was even aware of it, he was asleep again. Letting Steve and the medication take care of him for now while he healed and rested. Feeling perfectly safe for the time being, knowing his favorite punk was keeping an eye on him.

\--

Bucky seemed to get stronger as the weeks moved along, moving around, going further and certain points not even needing help. Pam told them that his injury would still take several months to fully heal, even for him, but that now he was ambulatory and didn’t need oxygen as regularly, so could go home. Where she still mandated he should be on strict bedrest for at least another week after.

“After that I’ll come by and see how he’s doing and reassess. “ She informed them both. “After that we’ll see what’s going on and what further treatment is required.”

He saw Bucky crinkle his face at the idea of having to stay in bed at home too, but it could’ve been worse he supposed. He was glad to see Bucky’s spirits were better. At least they seemed like it. It could’ve been the medicine, which he was told Bucky would be on for a while for pain management, but it also just could’ve been his attempt to compartmentalize everything so he could deal with it.

Steve knew from experience that even when the physical ordeal was improving, the emotional one was just starting here. And that was likely to be rougher and less linear.

So it was on that day, just about 3 weeks after first being admitted to the ICU Steve was finally able to take him home. With instructions of course, and a few regular follow-ups that was. And he still needed help getting dressed, which was always fun for both of them.

“You know I’ve said this before but..” Steve started, as he helped Bucky into a comfy pair of sweatpants. “But I enjoy taking these off mor than putting them on.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at him. “Well you can help me do that when we’re home.” He said slyly. “Seeing as you have to take of me again and all.”

“Not exactly what I was talking about jerk.” Steve retorted, smiling as he reached around and untied the hospital gown. “But I’ll take what I can get.”

When he got the gown off, he got his first look at Bucky’s main injury, what he could see of it under the dressing that was. He had to change that and the one on his arm where the port was as well, much later. It was good thing he’d had plenty of practice at it in some ways he supposed. But what he could see so far was the reddening around the edge of the dressing that indicated a still healing wound. He bit his lip a little before pulling Bucky’s t-shirt over his head and this was not lost the other man at all.

“It’s okay.” Bucky reassured him, as Steve gently pulled his still injured shoulder through the sleeve. “It doesn’t hurt.. at least not as much.”

Steve pulled the shirt down all the way over, covering everything and grabbed the hooded sweater to pull over his head as well. “I wish you wouldn’t downplay it.” He told him, once again moving that injured arm gently. “You almost died.”

Bucky lifted his metal arm and touched Steve’s face gently. An arm that could break necks but was ever so gentle the way he wielded it now. Steve put his own hand on it and let the other rest on Bucky’s waist and just leaned his head against his.

“I’m sorry punk.” He said apologetically. “I don’t want you to worry that’s all.”

“Too late for that.” Steve answered, smiling a little. “It kinda comes with the job that’s all.”

Bucky wrapped that metal hand around the back of his head, letting the fingers play in his hair and pulled him into a soft kiss, holding it like that for a while. Steve pulled him a little closer on the edge of the bed and let that worry loose for a moment, letting it drift like an anchored boat. Straining but staying put.

“You do that job real well Stevie.” Bucky said in all seriousness, those metal fingers flexing in his hair. “I’m proud of you.”

He smiled at that little term of endearment as helped him off the bed. “Yeah yeah. “ He teased, getting his arm around Bucky’s waist. “Now lets get you home boo bear.”

Bucky gave him annoyed look. “I told you not to use that in public punk.”

The difficult part hadn’t been getting him dressed and out of the room, it was avoiding the lingering press who’d somehow gotten wind he was getting out today. They had their sources as always. As much as they were able to keep any unwanted visitors away from Bucky, they couldn’t stop people from leaking this.

Steve pulled Bucky’s hood over his head, seeing as how his arm was slinged up and movement was limited, hiding him from them as they attempted to get near where the guard was keeping them back. There were flashes and shouts of questions, all of which they ignored. Heading Tony’s request that he would handle and statements, and just for the fact that it was best for him not to talk to them, because he most likely would’ve punched a few of them out.

They were also barred from being on their property, but it didn’t mean some weren’t parked there in vans when they got home. Bucky seemed to study his hands with an intense look. Either he was contemplating bad thoughts or trying to ignore the outside world. Steve thought it might be a combo of both.

Pulling into the garage, he immediately closed the door, assuring no further pictures could be taken. He turned Bucky in the seat, who hadn’t said a word since they left and picked up his metal hand. “You okay?” He asked, not sure if he was going to get a response right away. “Buck?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered, looking over at Steve finally. “I was getting use to being anonymous again and now..”

Steve lifted his hand and put it against the said of Bucky’s head, stroking his hair gently. “I know.” He told him. “We’ll take care of it.”

“Sure.” Bucky said with a look of someone who didn’t quite believe it. “Right now I just wanna see my damn cat. She’s probably forgotten what I look like.”

“I doubt that” Steve answered as he got out of the car. “You’re pretty unforgettable.”

Turns out he didn’t have to worry about that at all. The minute they opened the door the little cat was there, pretty much trying to climb up on Bucky. Wanda, who’d been house-sitting for them while Bucky was in the hospital, picked her up and put her right on Bucky’s metal arm so he wouldn’t have to bend over. And proceeded to hug him carefully too.

“Welcome home.” She told him. “Someone definitely missed you.”

Steve could see Bucky barely containing himself in that moment. Watching the little cat’s paws almost wrap around his neck as she sat her little behind on his metal arm. Seeing Wanda continue to hug him gently before pulling back and giving him a moment compose himself.

“I missed you too little darlin’ He said to Arya, who was purring up a storm as she cuddled against her Daddy. “I’m home now.”

“Come on lets get you sitting down.” Steve said, putting his arm around Bucky. “Remember what Pam said about taking it easy.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at this. “I just walked from the car into the house Steve it’s not like a ran a marathon or something.” He said, giving Wanda an exasperated look. “See he’s nagging me already.”

“Don’t make me carry you there jerk.” Steve admonished. “I can do it you know.”

Bucky got a saucy look on his face as let Steve guide him to the kitchen. “Like that’s a threat punk.” He sassed him. “I actually like it when you get all caveman on me.”

Wanda was watching this exchange like it was the cutest thing ever. And he supposed to her it was. He had to admit, he did like when Bucky got sassy like this. It normally resulted in a romp in some random place in the house. But Bucky was in no shape for that yet. So he had to settle for something a bit tamer.

“Behave yourself Sergeant.” He whispered to him as Wanda turned to the kitchen, patting Bucky’s ass playfully. “You just got out of the hospital remember?”

“Aye Aye Captain.” Bucky teased, leaning into Steve they walked to the kitchen. “I promise to try.”

Steve shook his head as he walked him to the kitchen. It was good to be home he had to admit.

\--

Later on that night, Steve helped him get ready for bed. And Bucky lay there as Steve got him comfortable, getting pillows in the right places, including to elevate his shoulder. Bucky did have to admit, his bed at home was much more comfortable than the hospital beds he’d spent the better part of 3 weeks in that was for damn sure.

He had taken some pain medication a little while ago with the supper they’d shared with Wand and he was now feeling the effects of it. It put him into a much more relaxed state where the pain in his shoulder, chest and abdomen were dulled to a tolerable level. He watched amused, as Steve put the bunny slippers on his feet, and he wiggled his toes, watching the floppy ears bounce making him smile and even chuckle a little.

“Well I gotta admit this is much better than the hospital.” He mused, petting the cat lazily. “With a much sexier nurse at my service.”

“Well Sergeant Barnes we do offer full service here for VIP’s.” Steve told him, crawling up onto the bed himself and leaning over him. “You get perks others don’t.”

“Oh really?” Bucky asked, feeling more and stoned by the minute. “Such as?”

“There’s full body massages.” Steve said with mirth, letting his hands knead Bucky’s hips and thighs softly. “To help you relax.”

Bucky lidded his eyes, enjoying those hands immensely. “And?”

“We also offer.” Steve started to say, brushing his lips softly on Bucky’s. ‘Unlimited kisses as well.”

Bucky smiled and wrapped his metal arm around Steve’s neck and took him up on that too. Wishing like hell he could wrap his other arm around him too. But it was still pretty useless right now. He shifted his legs to allow Steve to just lay between them, wishing he could do even more actually. He’d realized it’d been weeks since they’d been intimate this way and he was aching for it. But knew Steve would put the brakes on it quickly. But it didn’t mean he couldn’t just do this right? A cathartic little make-out session.

“I like that package Nurse Rogers.” He whispered against his lips. “Think I’ll take you up on it.”

“It’s Doctor Steve.” Steve corrected against his lips, those hands kneading in all the right places now. “And he’s gonna take good care of you now.”

He felt Steve nuzzle his neck softly, his hands running over his hips and pushing that shirt up a little. Felt the fingers wander of the edges of the dressing and did an involuntary flinch. Not because he didn’t want him to, or because it hurt, even though it did a little. But the feel of that was making him very emotional. Because he knew how it had really been.

Pam had told him, when Steve wasn’t there, that he’d crashed twice on the table. And Bucky had begged her as best he could, not to tell Steve this. Not to tell him how close he’d come. He felt such terrible guilt over this, that his reckless actions had almost cost them everything.

“It does hurt doesn’t it?” Steve asked, sliding down and nuzzling Bucky’s chest right about it. “I know it does.”

Bucky nodded, letting his metal fingers dig into Steve’s hair as he buried his face gently against the bandage. “Yeah it does.” He admitted, feeling a lump in his throat now. “Not in the way you think though.”

He was once again haunted by the images from inside the tunnel. Of that man’s sneer as he reminded him of what he’d done. _Why so squeamish? We’ve been closer.._ He squeezed his eyes shut, remembering being so angry. Hitting him. Zapping him. Not being careful in an attempt to just shut him the hell up. Almost as if he’d wanted him to get loose. Remembering those terrible hands around his neck and being unable to breathe. The sharp pain as he was stabbed with his own knife. Remembering fragments of pointing his gun at him, ready to finish it only to have intervention from his loved ones.

It wasn’t the shame of it that was causing him to tremble now. It was the knowledge he’d almost died as a result of it.

He felt Steve wrap his hands around his waist as if holding him to him, sensing this conflict in him. “What is it?” He asked worriedly. “Am I hurting you?”

“No..I just...” He choked out, letting the emotions spill out. “I’m so sorry.”

Steve lifted him slightly and Bucky didn’t even care if it hurt, he forced his injured arm to wrap around his neck too, hugging him to him. Clamping his knees just to hold him close to him like that as he let it spill out of him. All the pain and guilt that he’d been holding onto the last couple of weeks.

“It’s okay Buck.” He heard Steve whisper to him. “It’s okay.”

Bucky just lifted Steve’s head and pressed his face against it, letting those hot tears flow. The true vulnerability he could finally show now that he was safe again. Now that he was home. He hung onto him and felt Steve nuzzle his face as he cried those soft, yet painful tears.

Everything just hurt so much he didn’t know what else to do. And he had a feeling it wasn’t going to stop for a while. So he pressed his face more against Steve’s and stayed there for as long as he could. It was like before. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t voice it even there was nothing physically wrong wit him.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, not knowing why he had to keep saying it. He just did.

“It doesn’t matter right now Buck.” Steve whispered into his hair. “It doesn’t.”

But it felt like it did. And that feeling didn’t feel like it was going away for a long time.

\--

Over the next week, Steve had watched Bucky’s depression grow, even as his psychical health was slowly improving. He’d get up and he’d walk around, eat, and do the physical therapy he was supposed to do, but his overall mood was one of general malaise.

This was interspersed with moments where he was a bit more upbeat, but it was usually a result of his pain medication. So it was hard to judge it clearly. But mentally he was clearly not well. Other than his emotional breakdown the first night he was home, he seemed closed off, like he was withdrawing again. Which was worrisome to say the least.

He had seen Amelia during that time, and it seemed to help a little, got him more focused but no more talkative. Lately what he mostly what he wanted to do was sleep. And that sleep wasn’t always peaceful. There were nightmares of course. But not just for Bucky himself. Steve was suffering them too.

Images of Bucky not pulling through. Of dying in his arms and hearing that man’s laughter. That sneer in his voice. _Maybe it’s your head I’m in Captain.. _he would say and Steve would wake up in a cold sweat and wrap Bucky up almost protectively and cry softly into his hair as to not wake him. But sometimes he did. And on those times, they would hold each other until the pain stopped for both of them and they could sleep again.

It didn’t help their mood that the press was still hanging around sometimes. Knocking on the door or yelling questions to them when one of them would go outside. Mostly lone reporters and paparazzi of course. It gave them little privacy and increased Bucky’s anxiety and depression, making him not want to leave the house at all. Making him further want to stay in bed, curled up with Arya, who’d sleep with her paws wrapped around his metal arm. She hadn’t left his side since he’d been home.

It was about a week after he’d come home from the hospital, shortly after a check-up from Pam, when Steve made a decision. He needed to get Bucky away from here for a while so he could get better. There was too much notoriety at home and too many memories for now. His healing process was slowing down because of all of it.

And then there was the trial at the Hague and the decision Bucky still had to make about it. It was set for late April and they were about to turn into March now. He needed time to heal, somewhere far from here. He needed peace and quiet.

So that afternoon he made a few phones calls and arranged a few things before sitting down with Bucky for lunch. Bucky himself was sitting with Arya in his lap, listlessly eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. His hair was tied back from his pale face and he just looked tired and worn out. It cemented the decision for Steve.

“What do you say we go away for a while?” He suggested tentatively. “You and me an Arya.” He reached over and took his hand. “Just to you know get away from things.”

Bucky looked at him with a surprise look in his teal blue eyes. “Go away?” He asked curiously. “Where?”

“Somewhere really far away.” Steve told him, squeezing his hand. “Somewhere warm.”

The weather certainly hadn’t helped. It had been cold and drizzly, and he knew it was making Bucky’s bones ache again, along with these new injuries as well. He thought some warm weather would do Bucky a world of good. Would do them both good to honest. Because their relationship had been getting a bit strained as well, with some emotional distance starting to creep in.

Neither one of them wanted to get into it with each other is what it was. Bucky was feeling guilty he knew and Steve himself had some anger built up as well. Wanting to question him on his actions but knowing that Bucky was already admonishing himself internally on a regular basis.

The few times he’d broken down during this time, all he could seem to say was he was sorry. And Steve stifled himself from expressing that sentiment for now. It could wait. But it was severely straining them in all kinds of ways.

There was a lack of intimacy too. Bucky had gotten reluctant to let Steve even look at the wound, even though he had to change the dressing. There was some kind of strange shame for him with it that Steve needed to understand if only Bucky would talk about it.

But right now he was waiting for his answer on the question at hand. Wanting to see if Bucky was as willing to try these days as he was. And when he did, his answered surprised Steve.

“Okay.” Bucky replied, looking down at his half-eaten sandwich. “When would we leave?”

_As soon as possible.._ he thought to himself. _We need this._

“As soon as you feel up to it.” He told him, squeezing his metal fingers. “We don’t have to book a flight we already got one whenever we want.”

Once again Tony had offered them use of one of his private planes among other things. Including various places to stay all over the world. Steve had a particular one in mind. One that would give them space and privacy to heal their wounds and repair their connection. He watched Bucky expectantly waiting for his answer.

“How about tomorrow?” Bucky suggested, which surprised him. “Because if we are waiting for me to be okay that could take a while.”

“Alright then.” Steve answered, a bit surprised but happy that Bucky was agreeable. “I guess we should pack then right?”

Bucky smiled and it was genuine one, it was actually touching his eyes this time and those metal fingers wrapped around Steve’s a little tighter. His right arm still wasn’t working properly yet and it just rested on Arya, petting her gently with minimal movement.

“I know I haven’t been great to be around lately.” He told Steve, biting his lower lip in that nervous way he had. “I’m sorry about that. I promise I’ll try to be better.”

“It’s alright Buck.” Steve told him, pulling that hand a little more to him. “We’ll figure it out okay?”

He saw Bucky nod at that and wrapped his hand around the back of his head, letting his fingers dig into that brown hair and just put his lips to his head. Feeling him take a shuddering breath as he did. All he wanted to right now was make it better. He was just trying to figure out how.

Later that night, after packing for both of them, he curled up with Bucky on the couch. Wrapping him up in a blanket as he laid with his head on Steve’s shoulder. He didn’t know what was going in his head, few people did. Steve didn’t have Wanda’s mind-travel skills, or even Amelia’s psychiatric knowledge, so sometimes it was mystery to him. All he knew was, Bucky was laying there, right arm laid over his Steve’s chest, just sort of staring blankly at the tv, not really paying attention to it. 

“You know what?” He asked finally, letting his fingers play in Bucky’s hair. “I just remembering something.”

“What?” Bucky asked almost absently.

“Your birthday is coming up.” He reminded him. “We’ll be celebrating while we’re away.”

He felt Bucky nuzzle his face into his shoulder. “Celebrate huh?”

“Yeah you know, cake, candles all that stuff.” Steve told him, nuzzling his lips into his hair. “It’s gonna be good I promise.”

After everything that had happened, he was going to make sure of it. He was going to get that smile back on his face permanently. Remind him that it could still be good even after all this. He knew a vacation wasn’t going to fix everything, but it would be a good start. Maybe a fresh one for them both.

“As long as you don’t sing punk.” Bucky said with a little tease in his voice. “That’s all I ask.”

Steve chucked and kissed his cute little noise. “I promise nothing jerk.”

Wrapping Bucky up tighter under the blanket he let himself relax. Knowing that even if things were rough between them right now, that he was here with him. That he was alive and safe in his arms again. And he’d do anything to keep him that way.

Pretty soon they were joined the cat and spent that last night at home just like that, their little family huddled together safely, shutting the outside world for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular chapter does have theme, dealing with initial trauma reactions and an acceptance of sorts about needing help. There are a few points of interest here. 
> 
> The first one being the extent of Bucky's physical injury, which is nothing to sneeze at. A punctured lung can lead to a collapsed lung if not treated properly. It makes it difficult to breath and put stress on the other lung. And the reason the ventilator was needed was because without it the injury to the lung would cause it collapse. It keeps it inflated and helps the person to breathe. We've heard a lot about ventilators lately, and they are a life saver from respiratory distress and lung injuries. The ICU is where you will find them because we need to breathe. It didn't help that the bruised larynx made the air even harder to get through for Bucky. 
> 
> Bucky is still figuring out how his mind works and Wanda was right in the sense that he's creating the environment in his head, she just has the ability to access it all. It's a fun thing for me to explore Bucky's ability to do this, as if his mind has developed this ability, whether from the serum or just as a way of protecting itself from the trauma it experience. Or whether he had it all along. It's part of what allowed to paint so well so quickly and it's something I want to keep looking into. But I liked it hear as a way of helping him communicate while he couldn't talk in a normal way. 
> 
> I like the use of Coney Island too because it honestly doesn't look much different now then it when Bucky was a kid, so I think it's a very safe, grounding place for him to use in his mind. 
> 
> By the way the dry, chapped lips thing I got from dealing with brother and one of my friends being in the hospital. They were getting fluids through and IV but the mouth got dry for lack of moisture. Hospitals can be very dry places due to the intense cleaning they do. 
> 
> I thought it was interesting that he has an injury to his non-metal arm which allows us to see how well the metal one functions and that he has feeling in it. 
> 
> Steve's visit with the Colonel not only satisfied the idea of him getting a little revenge himself, but also set up the internal conflict he has that is part of the tension that's between him and Bucky as well. The implanting of the idea that has had before about whether or not Bucky thinks about the sexual abuse he suffered when he and Steve get down and dirty, and rough like they do sometimes. It's something that's festered despite Bucky telling him repeatedly that he doesn't think about that. It's not uncommon for spouses and lovers to wonder this and be fearful of it after knowing their partner has been hurt like that. It's not that they think less of them, they are simply worried about hurting them more. It's something that will get addressed again between them very soon. 
> 
> Bucky's growing guilt over his actions, compounded by the obvious media circus that comes out of it is another element. The feeling he may have inside that Steve is angry with him and he deserves to be as well. And the knowledge that he nearly died on the table are playing into the trauma that he's currently dealing with. It's why this chapter focused on that sense of protection and helplessness, with that undercurrent of anger and guilt from both of them. 
> 
> The next chapter, which will be titled 'Deep Blue Sea' (provided I don't change my mind lol) will take them on their impromptu trip away from home, in a place where Bucky can heal in peace and they can hash out their issues and repair the damage. The title is literal and symbolic as you'll see and I'm looking forward to writing it. It will most likely feature some angsty discussions and maybe even an arguement as well as, finally, some much needed smut as well so there you go. 
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely comments and hope everyone is doing well and keeping safe <3<3 and virtual hugs to all of you :)


	15. Deep Blue Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

The first thing Bucky noticed about the beach here was the sand. It wasn’t coarse and grainy like was at home. It was soft and warm on his bare feet and didn’t burn them as he walked across it. And it was much whiter, almost blindingly so. Even with sunglasses on he was squinting.

When his feet hit the water, his first instinct was to cringe a little, anticipating the freezing cold of the Atlantic Ocean, but that was the case either. It was warm, like bath water. And very clear, you see to the bottom, see the sand and rocks underneath. And there its overall was a different kind of blue than the ocean he was used to. Aquamarine, or teal, whatever it was. The color Steve always said Bucky’s eyes were.

And also, unlike home, it held no memory. 

Bucky crouched in the sand, as the gentle waves lapped over his feet and watched the small marine creatures that moved under the water so clearly. And the colorful rocks as well, some of them almost pink or lavender. There was something calming about it all. Peaceful. He didn’t even care that his currently untied hair was blowing around his face. It felt good, that salty sea air, and he breathed it in.

It had been a long flight from New York, and Bucky had slept most of it. He’d been doing a lot of that lately. Partly because he was supposed to be on bedrest. Partly because the painkillers he was on made him tired. But more than anything, he knew it was depression. That dark malaise that had turned him inward, away from Steve and everyone else, that had started creeping around again when that man had shown up and upended his life, and it had taken over. And he was trying to understand it while processing everything. Else.

And was going to do this in Lanai, Hawaii. Which was, as he was observing, quite beautiful.

It wasn’t one of the better-known Hawaiian Islands, like Maui or Oahu so it had less tourists, although it did have its share. But they didn’t see much of them because the beach house they were staying in was on a peninsula surrounded by water on three sides, with only one way in, which was a private road with a gate. No one was getting near them for a while and that suited them both right now. And no one, beside a few trustworthy people, even knew where they were.

Bucky looked at his feet, sinking in the sand and decided to go into the warm water a little further, up to his waist, not caring about his clothes, he had plenty unlike when he was kid. Where you had certain clothes for certain things. They had made do.

He got in to about his waist and then dropped himself under the water completely, letting it surround him. Getting that distorted sound you got from doing that, and opened his eyes, seeing fish swimming and paying him little no heed. Like he wasn’t even there. There weren’t a ton of people in this inlet lagoon, so fish were predominant. There was a beautiful sense of peace under the water, and he felt and unburdened for that moment just taking it in, before finally popping himself out of the water and smoothing his hair back from his head, sunglasses safely tucked in a zip pocket on his shorts.

The saltwater felt great on his skin, cleansing out that still healing would on his abdomen. It stung a little, but felt like a healing anti-septic. He ran his fingers over the scab and winced a little at the feel of it. And at the memories it always brought up these days.

The wound, which he wouldn’t quite let Steve see yet, was bizzarely cross shaped, and would most likely scar. Which meant he couldn’t hide it forever. But right now, it held this sense of shame and guilt, and a connection to the man who’d given it to him. The idea he was permanently branded. And he.. just couldn’t show him yet.

There was a lot of complex psychological shit going on and it felt heavy. The water made him feel lighter. Like the weight was temporarily gone and Bucky wanted to stay in that too.

Steve had let him have his space, not just at home, but here as well. They only arrived a day and a half ago and he’d already spent a little time exploring not just the house but the grounds, which had walking and hiking paths with beautiful views of the inlet and a decent spray of shade from a variety of trees. Including palm trees, which Bucky had not seen up close like this before.

He was glad for that alone time. Because he didn’t quite know how to bridge the gap between them right now. That sense of emotional distance that had started in the hospital and had just increased since.

Bucky had a sense that Steve was keeping things from him too, his feelings on the whole thing and how it went down. And Bucky was keeping his own to himself as well. And while they curled up close to each other in the deep watches of the night, sometimes seeking comfort from nightmares, they weren’t talking. The intimacy just wasn’t there. He knew it would reach critical mass sooner or later, but it was, for now, like they were tip-toeing around each other warily, the conversation never getting deeper than a playful banter. Which never really led anywhere. That was a problem too, causing tension as well.

He thought about this as he stood in the water, letting the gentle waves lap around him, blinking against the bright morning sun, rising steadily over the horizon. It made beautiful light ripples on the water and Bucky wanted to paint it. The first time he’d had the urge to do that in a while. The sereneness and warmth of this place was starting to penetrate his gloom now, clearing his mind of some of the cobwebs closing it up.

Memories of his fight with the Colonel, of the things he’d done previously. Of being stabbed and hurt all over again. Of his hands around his neck, cutting off the air. Of wanting to kill him to the point of unreasoning madness. Of the ventilator over his face and Steve’s worried look. The guilt and depression that had followed.

Hanging over him as well, was the heavy decision whether he was going to testify in the tribunal in a few months.

Amelia had told him, while reminding him it wasn’t her decision, that it would be beneficial and cathartic for him to face them in court like this. Like he had, in a way with Zemo. It would give him closure. Maybe some sense of justice.

“You mean for the ones that died?” He asked over Skype when he’d talked to her the other day. “My.. victims?”

“Yes but not just them.” Amelia had answered. “For you too. You have to remember you’re a victim too Bucky and you deserve justice as well.”

He remembered expressing the thought that that wasn’t really going to happen. That no punishment would be enough. He seemed to remember telling that Steve several times, including screaming it in the tunnel in his shock trauma delirium. And the truth was, he still had a hard time seeing himself as victim in all this. No matter how many times he was told he was, most likely, the biggest victim of them all. It was like a block in his mind. Something he had to learn to acknowledge and accept. That was the difficult part for him.

He had seen the point about the catharsis and closure, but he was still terrified as well about the things he would have to say out loud. There would spectators and reporters from all over the world there to hear it. And Bucky had had a hard enough time talking about that stuff with his therapist in private. Or with Steve for that matter. There was a great deal of guilt and shame involved in all of it. So it was not an easy decision by any stretch and he was in no way ready to make it any time soon.

There was so many things on his mind as it was. He simply pushed that to the back of it. Trying desperately to find some peace in his head. Some sense of quiet. He hoped he could find it here. So he could think for once.

Cupping more of that warm, salty water, Bucky splashed his face with it, attempting clearing his mind, as least for now.

“Hey you know you’ve got swim trunks right?”

Bucky turned, surprised to Steve standing there by the edge of the water, looking like a damn dream in a pair of shorts of his own, and a sleeveless whit tank. His muscular arms crossed in front on him and a pair of sunglasses on his face. Bucky eyed him up and down, unable to mask how much the sight of him looking that had affected him.

“Yeah so?” He sassed back, smoothing his wet hair back from his face again. “Now these are too.” He put his hands on his hips and hooded his eyes. “So how about you join me?”

Putting it out there, wondering if Steve would take the bait. Just trying anything really.

He was not oblivious to the look Steve gave him over his sunglasses either. Remembering that he himself was, in fact, soaking wet. There was that appreciative, almost lustful look in them, and Bucky felt something loosen inside him. It had bene so damn long it seemed like, for a variety of reasons, and all he could think was he wanted to climb him like one of these trees, right here on the beach and let him have his way with him. If only he would.

He was feeling that door open in him again. That want and almost desperate need for him right now.

“How about you come out of there and get some breakfast?” Was his response, which sounded like a challenge to Bucky.

“How about you make me punk.” He shouted back, daring him with his eyes, crossing his own arms. “I double dog dare you.”

“Is that so?” Steve answered, stepping into the surf now. “You’re really gonna make me come and get you?”

“Yup.” Bucky answered with even more daring tone. “Don’t make me triple dare you Rogers.”

Bucky remembered as kids they used to do that shit to each other. It’s how he’d gotten him on the Cyclone the first time actually. He smiled, thinking of those days and then let himself fall back into the water and let himself float, looking up at the sun, hoping Steve was coming in for him. That he couldn’t resist it. And wanting him toup and haul him out. Hoping they could get some of this tension out of them both.

Lifting his head Bucky saw Steve right there and smiled, laying his back in the water until he felt one of gorgeous arms wrap around his waist, pulling him upright against Steve right there in the water. Bucky just looked at him serenely, his own arms hanging at his sides, face to face with Steve’s blue eyes. Which makes the cloud speckled sky above them.

“Look what I caught.” Steve then said, letting his other hand’s fingers stroke through Bucky’s wet hair. “Think it’s a keeper.”

He was kissed then, right there in the water, and for a moment still didn’t move his arms. Almost reluctant to give into it, but unable to help himself. The metal arm looped around Steve’s neck, and his still injured right one rested against Steve’s chest, feeling it’s definition through his soaked t-shirt and moaning softly against his lips. He barely noticed the soft waves lapping around their waists and sunk into it.

“You ready to come back in? Steve asked as he pulled his lips away and looked in his eyes.

“I don’t know punk?” Bucky asked breathlessly, letting his body press into him a little more. “Depends on what’s inside.”

It was a loaded question he knew, and there was a pause in Steve’s reply as they stood there like that. Steve then leaned his head against Bucky’s, his hand running softly over his wet backside, and he could see the longing and conflict in his eyes. Mirroring his own. Both of them wondering if that kiss was a sign. Or just a blip in this whole damn thing.

The distance between them was so alien to them but it wasn’t unusual either. Bucky knew his tendency was to withdraw from the trauma first before he was ready to deal with it, and that usually strained them, but he felt that from Steve too. The sense of holding back as well. He wanted nothing more than to bridge the gap.

“How you just come in with me?” Steve suggested hopefully at that moment. “We get you out of those wet clothes and get you fed.. and we’ll see where it goes from there?”

There was no pressure in this suggestion, just hope that they could try. He began to realize maybe it started here. In the beautiful place so far away from everything.

Bucky knew all he had to go was go inside with him now and maybe it could truly start to get better again. So he nodded against his head and entwined his metal fingers with Steve’s. “Sure.” He said quietly. “Sounds good.”

Steve smiled softly and pulled him along, their hands entwined together. And when they got back to the shore again, he didn’t let go of Steve’s hand. He kept on holding it, their fingers loosely linking together as they crossed the sand to the sprawling beach-house they were going to call home for a little while.

He stopped right before the deck stairs that led to the patio, causing Steve to turn back to him. Biting his lip and he took a look around and back at Steve, with a sureness he hadn’t felt in a while. “I know I’ve been.. difficult lately.” He told him, clasping his hand tighter in his. “So I.. promise to try and be better.”

“Me too.” Steve replied as he brushed a wet strand of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. “We’ll figure this out okay?” He then wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and kissed his forehead. “No matter what it takes I promise.”

Bucky sighed heavily, closing his eyes and painfully lifting his right arm to rest the hand on Steve’s. Wanting to stay in that soft moment because he knew from experience that the road was going to be rough again.

But what lay beyond that just might be yet another fresh start for them both.

So he allowed himself to finally be pulled inside again with that hope in his head once again.

\--

Steve watched Bucky change out of his wet clothes as he changed out of his own. It was always a beautiful sight to watch him get dressed, and he could see he was even getting some color on his pallid skin. Was starting to look healthy again. Once again thinking this was a good idea to take him here now.

He also noticed the way Bucky turned away when taking his shirt off, as if not let him see the healing scar on his abdomen. And to be honest, he hadn’t. Any attempt Steve had made to look at it, or even to touch was being met with resistance lately. It was a bit disquieting, reminding him of the way, when Bucky had first come back to live with him, how he wouldn’t let Steve seethe his shoulder and the scars it bore. Steve had grown to understand then, and even now this went deeper than appearances for Bucky. That it was sort of shame as well. And that getting past that particular barrier would take a supreme effort.

Not that Bucky was the only one holding back and causing disruptions in their physical and emotional intimacy. Steve had his share as well, and in it bore a reluctance to push him to hard. Which Steve was not sure was completely about Bucky’s comfort. He thought maybe it was about his own as well.

_Maybe it’s your head I’m in…_

Steve shook off that voice. Trying to tell himself Kovalev was not his problem anymore. But his words had crept into his head, His insinuations. _You’re angry because he wasn’t purely yours.._

And he knew Bucky sensed it in him. Even with the psychological wall between them, they were very in tune with each other emotionally. He’d seen him looking at him sometimes, when he was in a more coherent state, as if trying to figure it out for himself.

But here they were now, in this beautiful beach house, far away from anywhere. From all the distractions around them. Such as shouting reporters and noisy Brooklyn streets. It was just them and the cat, who had taken to exploring her new temporary home with gusto. Steve decided he was going to ask him again, even if the answer was no. He had to try. One of them had to start.

“You ever gonna let me see it?” He asked, as Bucky pulled his shirt down over his head. “It’s just a scar Buck. We both got them.”

Bucky turned to him as he adjusted his shirt and smoothed his hair back from his face to tie back. “It’s not really that impressive Steve.” He answered flatly as he tied his hair, wincing at the movement as if he was having a hard time. “You’re not missing anything.”

“At least let me help you with that.” Steve offered, taking the hair band from Bucky’s hand. “Please?”

He reached around the back of Bucky’s head and tied his hair in that loose, messy bun he always wore. He could see Bucky watching with a myriad of emotions playing across his face. Frustration, longing, and even some gratitude, even if he couldn’t say it or show it outright.

“Fucking arm still won’t work properly.” He grumbled, averting his eyes. “It pisses me off.”

Steve studied the profile of his face as he seemed to be looking out the patio door in the huge master bedroom. Looking at the ocean, or they sky. Or maybe nothing at all. That thousand yard-stare of someone lost in their own head. He took a chance and reached out, resting a hand softly on Bucky’s neck just below his chin, softly turning his head back to look at him. Once again stunned by just how much those troubled blue eyes matched the color of the ocean over his shoulder. It was uncanny.

“I know it does.” He said softly to him, looking in those eyes. “I get it.”

Taking another chance, he slowly moved his other hand to the spot where he knew the wound was, letting it rest on Bucky’s shirt. He felt Bucky tense as he did so, but he at least didn’t try pull away this time. He could feel the raised edges of the healing scab through the fabric and traced it with his fingers. Watching Bucky’s face work a little at the feel of this.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Bucky told him, almost defensively. “Not anymore.”

Steve could tell by the flicker on his face that it did though. It still felt a little swollen around the edges and saw Bucky wince a little, wanting to withdraw while at the same time staying put. He moved closer, wrapping his hand more around the back of Bucky’s head, stroking his hair and letting that other hand rest on the wound through the shirt, feeling the warmth radiating off it.

“It’s okay.” He whispered in his ear. “I won’t look.. I’m just gonna do this.”

Bucky nodded softly, wrapping his metal arm around Steve’s arm, and burying his face in his shoulder. With that silent acceptance Steve was able to slide his hand under Bucky’s shirt and feel the wound directly. Feeling the angry raised scab and a distinct cross shape. The longer one was the surgical scar and the shorter was, he knew, the initial wound delivered from Kovalev. That was the one Bucky seemed to react to more when he touched it, metal fingers digging into his arm warningly.

This was about as intimate as they’d been lately. He didn’t count the kiss earlier, it had been born out of want, this was deeper. Closer emotionally than Bucky had allowed in almost a week and a half now.

“I love you.” He whispered in his ear, the other hand brushing his still damp hair comfortingly. “I just.. want you to trust me again.”

Bucky nuzzled his neck softly in response, managing to get his injured arm around Steve’s back a bit, and gripping his shirt, even though Steve could feel him wince when he did it. “I do.. trust you.” He said into Steve’s neck. “That’s never been the problem.”

“Then tell me what is.” Steve asked, letting a little desperation come into his voice. “Just talk to me okay?”

He kept his hand under Bucky’s shirt, softly trailing his fingers over the still unseen wound, waiting for him to answer, and hoping he would. He could feel the tremble in his body as he struggled with it, the fingers of both his hands, metal and flesh, gripping onto him now.

“I don’t wanna talk.” Bucky said finally, lifting his head and leaning into Steve a little more. “I just.. wanna.” His lips brushed over Steve’s softly. “It’s been so damn long.. please..”

It had been, and he felt it throughout his own body, the desire, the need. Overriding his good sense in many ways. Knowing Bucky was still not completely well, physically, or emotionally. It didn’t stop the feeling though. The want. It was a struggle. He remembered feeling it out in the water too, seeing him all wet, clothes clinging to him with that daring look in his eyes. The slight playfulness he’d missed for so long. But he had to be so damn careful right now.

“Bucky.. listen to me.” He told him, gripping his hair tighter. “I don’t’ know if it’s a good idea.. you’re not well.”

“I’m fine.” Bucky said adamantly, gripping Steve’s shirt tighter as if he was going to climb on him. “This is the best I’ve felt in a while.”

Steve pulled his hand out of Bucky’s shirt and used to hold his face in both hands. Seeing that desperate need in him for some semblance of normalcy. The storminess in his eyes that always tugged at him, making him want to tame it while simultaneously waiting to stoke that fire as well. He was so beautiful like that but then again he always was.

_I’ll never be out of his head.. _

He tried to shake that taunting voice off and the doubt that caused as well. Trying not to let it show.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked, fighting himself hard. “Cause I think you’re still in pain.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, as if seeing something in Steve’s. Something revealing. “I don’t think it’s me you’re worried about.” He told him, an edge in his voice now. “It’s yourself.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve found himself asking with some defensiveness. “I don’t think you’re in any shape for that Buck it has nothing to do with me.”

He saw Bucky glare at him at that moment, as if something had occurred to him. He extracted himself, backing away. “You’re so full of shit Steve.” He said angrily, his arms crossed in front of him. “You’ve fucked me in worse shape than this and you know it. So don’t tell me it’s about me.”

The fact that Bucky seemed to nail it without knowing it was aggravating in of itself. But it was also the way he was looking at him, that hard glare in his eyes. That he was using this knowledge as an excuse to close himself off again as well. And that couldn’t happen. He wouldn’t let it.

“You just got out of the hospital a week and half ago.” Steve told him, stepping forward angrily. “You almost died!” He glared at him and Bucky glared right back. “What do you want me to do? Toss you down on the bed and fuck you into the headboard after seeing you like that?”

Bucky continued to stare at him in a defiant, yet strangely calm way. “No that’s not what I’m asking.” He answered, with a little edge to his voice. “I want you to be honest about the real reason why.” He seemed to wrap his arms little tighter around himself, supporting his injured arm with the metal one as he leaned back against the wall. “You want me to be honest? It goes both ways.”

Steve ran his hands through his hair, knowing he was right on that. How could he expect honesty if he wasn’t being honest himself. He could feel it on the edge of his brain. Hearing those nasty words. _I taught how to be a nice.. little.. pet.._ The revulsion that had gone through Steve on hearing that had affected him badly and he knew he had to tell him. Had to get it off his chest if he ever expected Bucky to open up to him again as well.

“I went to see him..” He admitted, just spitting it out before he had the chance to reconsider. “That first night you were in the hospital.”

He saw a horrified look come across Bucky’s face at that. Saw him pull his hands away from his body and press them into his face. “Why the hell would you do that?” He asked through his fingers. “Why?”

“I’m not sure.” Steve said honestly, his hands on his hips. “Maybe I just needed to hear what he had to say.”

Steve could see the pain in Bucky’s eyes, the shame and guilt as well, as he finally dropped his hands from his face. And he knew he was thinking of all the horrible things Kovalev might’ve told him. He wanted to pull the confession back, but he couldn’t. It was out there now, hanging in the air like a noxious cloud.

Bucky seemed to turn and look out the window at the water, biting his lip painfully. “So what did he say?” He asked in a choked voice. “Tell me..”

“Bucky..” Steve replied walking over to where he was again. “What he said doesn’t matter.”

He whirled around and glared at him painfully. “Yes it fucking does.” He hissed at him. “It matters to me.” He seemed to cross his arms again defensively. “I wanna know what that bastard said to you.” Those teal colored eyes glassy were glassy with fear now he could see. “You think I can’t handle it?”

He could handle a lot Steve knew. More than he should be able to. And the last thing he wanted was to fill the air with Kovalev’s filthy words and insinuations. Not here. But he knew Bucky’s was already speculating, coming to its own conclusions. Torturing itself already and that hurt like hell to know.

“Are you sure you can?” He asked sadly. “Cause I’m not.”

Bucky’s face twitched a little at that question, as if he was caught himself. “Just tell me.” He answered. “Stop stalling.”

Steve nodded, seeing he wasn’t going to let it go. And if this was they started healing this breach, then so be it. It was time to put the cards on the table, no matter what the consequences. So he opened up his mouth and told him, as much he could stomach, about that night, just over a month ago, when the world almost stopped completely.

\--

Bucky leaned against the wall, keeping his arms crossed and his face neutral, listening to what Steve was telling him. Feeling the knot inside his stomach grow larger at every word. He’d had suspicions about Steve’s reluctance to engage with him being about more than just his physical health, but the confirmation of this was painful to hear.

It was another knife in his gut to be honest, to know that piece of shit had gotten into Steve’s head too. Filling it with doubt all over again.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Steve told him as he finished up, heavily sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I just.. couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t what?” Bucky asked, wanting to stay angry. It felt safer at the moment. “Be honest with me? Once again see my earlier statement about a two-way street.”

Steve nodded, looking up at Bucky. “That’s fair.” He said apologetically. “Maybe I was trying to protect you. Or maybe myself I’m not sure.”

“I’d put money on the latter. “Bucky replied angrily, tightening his arms around himself. “You still have a hard time figuring that out sometimes from what I’ve seen.”

Bucky knew he was being a bit brutal, but it was also being honest as well. His ‘give a shit’ meter’ was pretty much broken right now. The level of what they’d held back from each other lately was calling for brutal honesty. Knowing this situation was exactly what neither one of them wanted to deal with it but it had to be dealt with if they were going to move past it.

“You think I’d put my own interest ahead of yours?” Steve asked incredulously, which was a genuine reaction. “You really believe that after all this time?”

“I didn’t say that.” Bucky answered, holding his gaze. “I know you’re not selfish. But sometimes your judgement is clouded by your own feelings. You believe you’re doing it for me and your partly right but.” He paused for a moment trying to find the proper words. “Going to see.. him.. it didn’t benefit me.. it just made you feel better, because you felt helpless. Am I wrong about that?”

Judging by Steve’s look, he wasn’t. Bucky had learned some of these things in therapy. And in his counselling classes. About getting your patient to come to the conclusion themselves. A part of him thought it was a dirty trick to use it here but in the long term it was necessary.

“No.” Steve answered finally. “You’re not.”

“And what good did it do you to talk to him?” He asked, chewing on his lower lip. “Other than him getting into your head like this?” He shook his head and put his hand on his face for a moment. “And by that.. I mean you think he’s in mine don’t you? That I think about that when we…”

Steve looked at him with a sad, worried look. “Do you?” He asked with that same look. “Does anything I do.. make you think of any of what.. they did?”

Bucky actually felt a little defensive at this question. “I already answered that .. several times.”

“I’m asking again Buck.” Steve said simply, seemingly studying him. “Since we are being honest.”

“You think I wasn’t being honest before?” Bucky asked, trying to put off the answer to this. “Is that it?”

“I don’t’ know.” Steve answered. “I can’t see inside your head. I only see what you let me see.” There was a soft, questioning look in his eyes. “And right now I’m just.. not sure.”

Bucky leaned his head back against the wall, searching himself internally to try and find the answer. It was a difficult one because it in was in degrees. On the surface he was sure that nothing they did intimately bothered him or reminded him, but deep down inside he had his own doubts about it. He wasn’t sure whether this doubt was real or just the Colonel’s way of manipulating him all over again. In other words he’d been sure up until that bastard showed but now.. He really wasn’t sure of anything.

But the thing that was worse than that unsurety was that Steve had doubts about it. He couldn’t deal with that. And was trying to find that line between honesty and reassurance.

Rather than answer it directly he chose to show him instead. He walked over to where Steve was sitting and stepped between Steve’s and putting his hands on his face, lifting his head to look up at him. Urging with his eyes that it was okay to just reach out and touch him. That he needed to feel that right now. It would give him strength in the moment to be as honest as possible.

“I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t thinking about it a lot these days.” He told him, looking in his eyes. “But never when we make love Steve.” His bit his lip a little more, fighting back emotion. “I never think about them then because I’m with you. You’re nothing like them.”

Bucky saw a look of pained relief on Steve’s face, right before he grabbed Bucky’s waist and buried his face in his stomach. He wrapped his own arms around Steve’s head and buried his face in his blonde hair. Smelling him and that salty smell in the air from the open window. He took a big breath full of it, taking it in. Realizing they hadn’t been this close in a while and that missed this terribly too.

“He tried to take you away from me again.” Steve said against his stomach, his hands gripping Bucky’s hips tighter, almost possessively. “It’s why I went there..” Bucky could feel his hands sliding under his shirt again, warm fingers touching skin now. “To let him know you were mine not his.”

The way Steve said that, and the way he clutched him as he did, loosened him up even more inside. The idea that he belonged to Steve was not something he chafed against but openly embraced. Making him feel loved, safe, protected. They had just made him feel confused, scared and trapped and that was the difference. It made all the difference in the world really.

“I am yours.” He agreed, lifting Steve’s face to look in his eyes again. “Always been.. and always will be.”

There was a familiar glimmer in Steve’s eyes at that and he lifted one of his hands, burying it in Bucky’s hair and griping it tightly. And pulled him into a kiss, a deep, passionate one that Bucky in no way fought at all. In fact, he climbed on his lap, leaning into him, body begging to be touched and claimed all over again, in the way only Steve could do. They would talk more later he knew, but right now, he wanted this. To reconnect on the most basic level possible. They were always good at doing that.

Steve turned him around, laying him on the bed on his back and after a moment, Bucky pulled his lips away and started up him. “Take it off.” He asked, feelings Steve’s hands on his shirt. “It’s okay now.”

“You sure?” Steve asked him, searching his eyes. “Cause we don’t have to.”

Bucky smiled at how cute this was that he always kept checking. “Yes I am.” He told him, his metal hand directing Steve’s to the hem of his shirt. “Get it off me punk.”

Steve nodded and lifted him slightly to pull it over his head, being careful not to hurt his shoulder doing it. He’d had a lot of experience with that. Usually it was with the left shoulder but this time the other was offensive in the pain department. Bucky felt the rush of air over his skin, the seas breeze from the window refreshing as he laid back on the bed again. He felt comfortable, the mattress was memory foam and he was on his back, which was a comfortable position to be in right now. Everything injured was supported.

He watched Steve trace his fingers over the wound, left to right, up and down, studying it as if he was learning something new. A new element to a surface he knew expertly. The area was still sensitive and very tender in this stage of its healing, but like earlier, Steve’s touch was soft and gentle, causing an involuntary sigh to escape his lips.

“It looks like a cross.” Steve mused, leaning to get a closer look. “Interesting.”

“I’m not reading too much into that punk.” Bucky answered, looking up at the ceiling. “God and I ain’t exactly on good terms.”

“I know Buck.” Steve answered, looking up for a moment. “I get it.”

Without saying anything further, Steven then pressed his lips to it, and traced it the way he’d done with his fingers. First up and down, along the surgical scar, and then left to right, where the original wound was. Bucky trembled a little at this, partly from the shame of yet another unwanted reminder, but even more so, from a desire for more. His metal fingers went to Steve’s head and combed through his blonde hair, encouraging it.

But he was also getting emotional too. The barrier he’d keeping around himself since this all had started was dissolving, making him feel very raw at the moment. He took a hitching breath to attempt to control it, squeezing his eyes shut, pulling his injured arm to his face in attempt to cover that. Ignoring the pain that caused. Not really caring because part of him still felt like he deserved to feel it.

There were worse kinds of pain than just physical he’d come to know.

Steve noticing the change in demeanor of course and rose up to lean over him. “Are you okay?” He asked, the concern clearly showing. “Does it hurt?”

“No.. yeah.. I don’t know.” Bucky replied, trying to keep his composure. “It’s not you though.. it’s never you.. that causes it. If it does.”

It seemed important to say that. To keep saying it so maybe Steve would get it eventually too. And as Bucky watched his face as he tried to sort out just what Bucky’s confused words meant, he’d realized this this whole time that not only had Steve positioned him in the most comfortable position for his injuries, but was making sure not to put any weight on him as well. This just, for some reason made it harder for him to hold onto his emotions.

“Then what is it?” Steve asked, gently moving that injured arm off his head and laying it comfortably on the body pillow next to them. “Tell me.”

Bucky just bit his lip, wanting to tell him but afraid to. He knew Steve had been mad about him doing what he did in the first place, and if he knew just how close it had been how would he feel then? But like he’d said earlier, they both had to be honest if they were ever going to get past this.

“I almost died.. again.” He finally said, looking up at Steve, struggling not to avert his eyes. “Pam said… my heart stopped.. twice.” He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes then. “I thought I could handle him and he nearly.. killed me.” He was unable to keep one tear from sliding down his face and he could feel its warm trail on his face like a stain. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve said softly, his fingers entwining with ones of Bucky’s flesh hand, pressing it gently into the pillow. “I’m not mad. Not anymore.”

“You should be.” He protested a little. “I fucked up.”

“Maybe but… we both did.” Steve told him, his other hand brushing Bucky’s hair. “It doesn’t matter.. it’s over now.”

Bucky felt more of those stupid tears he hated so much. Not knowing why he had such a hard time accepting the forgiveness. Wanting to harp on his own mistakes because it was easier than admitting the truth to himself. That he’d had little control over most of this. The fact that trying to take some of that back had nearly cost him his life was enough to make him beat himself up all over again. Something he’d been told in therapy he was pretty good at. It was what allowed the depression to take hold so easily these days.

Steve forgiving him with the knowledge he had now was too damn much.

And he felt marked, tainted by it all. The forming a reminder of it that would never go away.

“I’m sorry.” He said again, despairingly, his metal arm wrapping around Steve’s arm. “I’m really sorry.”

Steve didn’t say anything, just leaned in and kissed him softly, his hand under Bucky’s head to hold him as he did. The other hand still holding the flesh one in a comfortable position. Bucky wrapped his metal arm tighter around Steve’s arm and tried, fruitlessly to sniff back the hot tears he still felt in his eyes. He just squeezed them shut and let them fall out. It was okay to let it go, his breath hitching painfully as he kissed him and not caring at all.

He needed him right now, he didn’t care anything hurt at all. That could be handled. He whined softly into their kiss as if to indicate this wordlessly. And Steve seemed to understand this as he pulled his lips away slowly to look in his eyes and nodded to him.

Remaining clothing was softly removed and Bucky needfully hugged Steve’s hips with his thighs. Smiling as Steve took a few extra precautions to make sure he was comfortable. An extra pillow behind his head and adjusting the one under his arm. Once again Bucky reflected at just how tender this was. Wondering how Steve could ever think that anything he did caused Bucky pain at all.

“See?” He whispered as Steve hands found his, pressing them down gently. “You’re too good to me.”

Steve just smiled and nuzzled Bucky’s chin, tilting his head up as he did. Its how he answered that. And ever so slowly, his slid inside him, causing a thick moan to escape at that familiar sensation. It had been way too damn long. His hands squeezed, pushing up against Steve’s and entwining their fingers tighter together.

“Fuck..” He gasped, eyes fluttering uncontrollably. “I missed you punk..”

“Uh huh..” Steve growled as he started to move against him. “I missed.. you.. too.” ”

He then smothered Bucky’s lips again and all pain and self-doubt disappeared in the feeling of love and safety. Of completion. Of being his again in every way. It felt like coming home.

\--

He’d had to remind himself to be careful, to not get too eager and rough yet. That Bucky was still healing physically. It was hard to restrain himself though one he inside him again. Especially considering how long it had been. And watching the way Bucky moved under him and hearing the sounds he made didn’t help.

In in the throes he did manage to make sure he didn’t get hurt though. Even if Bucky didn’t seem to care if he did. He was still protective of him and made sure he was comfortable and safe from harm.

They had held their hands together for a while like that, but he wanted to touch him again, to shift him for comfort and pleasure purposes. And to allow that metal arm of his to grip onto him as well. It was turning into a hell of sensory experience to be sure. Especially with the sound of the waves in the background and the salty breeze coming in through the window.

It was such a cathartic release that they both needed. It may not fix everything right away. But it sure as hell help it along.

He could feel those segmented metal fingers on his neck, and then under his hair, gripping him and flexing with every thrust. Could hear his moans and whimpers in his ears as he made some new claiming marks on his neck. Not those awful finger bruises that had upset him so much but sweet marks of love that Bucky always seemed to wear proudly.

“Steve?” Bucky seemed to gasp, his fingers flexing sweetly on his neck.

Bracing himself with his hands he looked down at those beautiful teal colored eyes, half-lidded with those dark lashes. His skin flushed, swollen lips parted, looking beautiful. He slowed and searched those eyes for pain or fear but didn’t see any. Just love and desire.

“What?” He asked, giving him a few easier pumps. “You..okay?”

“Y-yes…” Bucky moaned, his fingers digging into his skin more urgently. “Harder… please..” His eyes fluttered as he seemed to push back against Steve’s hips eagerly. “It’s… okay…”

He could see that it was, but he was still wasn’t going as hard as he could. And did when Bucky was healthy. But he could give him more and did, sitting back just a little on his knees and gripping Bucky’s hips to go deeper before leaning back over him again. Taking great care to not put weight on him. He saw Bucky’s eyes roll and went harder at him, sliding his hands over his body and joining their hands again and gently holding them against the soft bed, ready to bring him home now.

Watching it come over him, that intense pleasure and the peace it brought to his eyes was always so beautiful to him that he couldn’t help but kiss him every time. Smothering those perfect lips completely and pumping him a few more times until he himself finally let it go too, groaning against his hips as he did.

After, he laid down next to Bucky, on the left side as the other still laid on his back. He then carefully turned him on his left side, the only other way he could comfortably lay right now, and softly ran his hand up and down his side. From his ribs down to his hip and thigh before bringing it back up again.

“Feel okay?” He asked, reaching up then to move some damp hair off his face. “Still sore?”

Bucky smiled, his metal arm tucked under his head. “Depends on what you mean by that punk.”

“I’ll take care of that later jerk.” Steve said with a chuckle, knowing exactly what he meant. “I was talking about this this.” He ran his hand over his injured shoulder. “And this of course.”

He traced his fingers over that cross shaped healing scar, seeing Bucky flinch involuntarily. Not so much from pain but just surprise. “It’s okay.” He told Steve, wrapping an ankle around his. “Shoulder’s a little stiff maybe.”

Steve responded to that by lifting said arm and putting over his own waist to support it. And proceeded to rub it gently. Bucky did wince a little at this but then relaxed, his eyes fluttering a little. In fact, he was able to flatten the hand on Steve’s back a little and shift closer to him, nuzzling their faces together.

“Guess that feels better huh?”

“Yeah.” Bucky seemed to agree, letting his lips skate over Steve’s neck. “You always take good care of me punk.”

He was nipping him softly, playful but tired. And honestly Steve hoped he slept. Not that depression style sleep he’d been getting lately, but real sleep. Restful sleep that would help his body and mind heal more. It was quiet enough and peaceful here, with very little distraction so he hoped it was beneficial.

“Get some rest jerk.” Steve told him, kissing his head softly as he continued to rub that shoulder. “You need it.”

Bucky nipped him playfully again. “What if I’m not tired?”

“You are.” He said, lifting his chin to look in his eyes. “I can tell.”

Bucky seemed to frown a little at that. “You’re no fun Rogers.”

“We got all the time in the world to have fun.” He admonished, like talking to an ornery child. “Right now you need to rest.” He kissed his head again. “Captain’s orders.”

“Always pulling ran on me.” Bucky said and yawned, eyes fluttering shut. “So typical.”

Steve laughed and pulled him a little closer, happy to see that sense of humor coming back even more. Not forced, or laced with anger like it was before. He felt Bucky cuddle up next to him and pulled the blanket over him. Running his hand and up and down his back several times in a comforting way before letting it settle in his hair and felt him start to drift off finally.

He rested his chin on Bucky’s head and looked at the water from the patio door behind him. It was a nice big bedroom sliding door which was open, letting in the breeze. Steve wished he could have one like that in their house, but all they’d get a view of was the houses behind them, and the breeze wasn’t as fresh. He marveled once again how the color of the water here was almost the exact same shade as Bucky’s eyes. That unique blue that he inherited from his mother.

Those eyes were closed right now, buried against his shoulder, and he loved the feeling of him like this. This close in his arms again, after so much emotional distance was wonderful. Sure they’d comforted each other after nightmares. And in the hospital but it hadn’t been close to like this for a while.

Because they were opening up again. A little at a time, starting to repair the damage the last months events had done. And he’d known before he was partially responsible for that too. But they had made some progress today. And he hoped there would be more.

There was then, a little thump on the bed and a bright pair of green eyes was staring at him, causing him to smile. Arya had been thoroughly exploring the expanse of the beach house as cats did. Hell she probably knew its layout better than they did by now. The patio door had been not only been left open for a cross breeze, but for her as well, she liked to sit out on the deck it seemed, laying in the sun. But it seemed she was done doing whatever cats do on their own and wanted attention from her humans.

“Hey there sweetie.” He told her, lifting his hand from Bucky for a moment to pet her. “You having fun?”

She meowed and climbed up on them, arching her little body to be petted. She was no longer the timid, scrawny little thing Bucky had brought home. She was a healthy nearly 3-year old cat now and their baby. And while Bucky may have been her primary person, they both adored her equally.

“Daddy’s sleeping.” He told her as she nudged Bucky a little. “In fact I need to make him something to eat so can you keep an eye on him?”

She meowed again, as if to say yes to this, of course she’d take a nap with Daddy, and Steve smiled, wondering just how much she truly understood. Carefully, he extracted himself from Buck as to no to wake him, which he didn’t because Bucky actually seemed to be sound asleep right now. As soon as he moved, Arya plopped herself down in that big warm spot and curled up with her paws wrapped around Bucky’s metal arm, which she seemed to love doing.

“I can see he’s in good hands.” He observed, petting her as he leaned over kissed Bucky’s head. “I’ll be back.”

He put a pair of pants on, even though it wasn’t technically necessary, but it was habit, and trotted downstairs to the kitchen to get some lunch for his sleeping bear. He had to take his medication and he needed to take it with food. And to be honest, sometime Bucky did forget to eat. He forgot breakfast this morning actually. Which Steve knew was partially his own fault as well. They kind of got distracted.

So he whipped him up a big sandwich of cold cuts and grabbed a bag of chips for them both, and along with something to drink he brought it back upstairs. Where he found Bucky was just waking up and petting Arya in such a sweet way, he actually had to stop and take it in.

“Well look at you two.” He said as he walked over with the food. “Thick as thieves.”

Bucky smiled, leaning on his metal arm as Steve sat down on the side of the bed. “She’s my partner in crime didn’t you know that?” He told him as Arya rubbed her face against his chest, purring like crazy. “No one keeps a secret better than her ain’t that right little darlin?”

Arya meowed as if to confirm this and plopped back down next to Bucky.

“Well I figured I’d make you lunch considering you haven’t eaten today.” He told him, putting the plate down on the bedstand. “And you need to take your medication too jerk.”

“You’re so cute when you’re mother-henning me punk.” Bucky teased, rolling his eyes as he tried to sit up, rather unsuccessfully. And gave Steve a cross look. “This is a bit fucking ridiculous though..” He sighed resignedly “I need help..”

Steve smiled himself at this display and starting helping him up. “Well I do love to take care of my grumpy bear.” He said as sat down behind him, letting Bucky back rest against his chest “Even when he growls at me.”

“I’m not growling.” Bucky said as he was finally handed his sandwich. “That’s just my stomach cause this looks goddamn good.”

Steve nuzzled Bucky’s shoulder as he wolfed down the sandwich, giving stray strips of the cold cuts to the cat resting in his lap now. When he was done with that he proceeded to devour the ships as well. Steve liked this a lot. This sense of domesticity that had been left on hold for a while. Things felt easier between them now, less strained. He played with Bucky’s hair, causing him to shake his head occasionally like he was irritated by this, but there was a smile on his face when he did it so it was all for show.

“I guess you were hungry.” He observed, checking the mostly empty chip bag, which was full when he brought it up. “That was a party size bag too.”

“You take a lot out of me punk.” Bucky said with a mouthful of chips. “I need to replenish my energy.”

“At least you’re feeling better.” He added carefully. “You are right?”

Bucky swallowed his mouthful of chips and downed a can of Coke, as seemed to contemplate the answer to this. “I guess so.” He finally answered, leaning back against Steve a little more. “I haven’t felt depressed and self-loathing in a few hours so I guess that’s a victory.” He then seemed to realize what he said and backtracked slightly. “Sorry.. that sounded better in my head I swear.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve said into his ear, letting his hands rub Bucky’s hips under the blanket. “I want you to be honest with me about those things. And I promise I’ll be more honest too.”

“It’s just I’m.. doubting myself again lately.” Bucky continued, petting the now sleeping cat. “All those old feelings of guilt.. and other things, are back.” He saw Bucky put his right hand stiffly onto his wound almost unconsciously when he said that. “I don’t know how to handle it and.. it was just easier to shut down you know? To hide it all and I’m.. Im sorry.”

Steve nodded and placed his own hand over Bucky’s, entwining their fingers together right over that wound that was symbolic of all the trauma they’d just endured. It was scabbed over, but that scab was starting to come off. Just like they were starting to open up again to each other. And all he wanted to do was to make sure he understood that were going to heal together. That he wasn’t in that alone.

But most importantly to validate those feelings that he did have and make sure he wasn’t just pretending he was okay when he wasn’t.

“I’m in this with you remember?” He told him, pressing their enfolded hands gently against his stomach. “If you need to be depressed, or angry, or whatever you’re feeling we’re gonna ride out together okay?” He put his lips right to his ear then. “I’ll love you no matter what.”

Bucky put the bag and the empty can down and turned slightly so he could lay his head on Steve’s shoulder sideways. On his left side, supporting his right on his leg as he settled between Steve’s. The cat adjusted her position according to this new setup, settling at Bucky’s feet.

“Right now.. I just feel like doing this.” Bucky said quietly, his eyes closing again. “If that’s alright with you.”

Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky’s head and kissed it softly. “Then we’ll do this.” He whispered against his forehead, stroking his hair. “As long as you want.”

“Thanks punk.” Bucky said quietly as he got more comfortable. “And you do make a good pillow.”

Steve smiled at that. “You’re welcome jerk.” He whispered to him, kissing his head again. “Glad to be of service.”

He would hold him forever if he had to. Would willingly be a pillow for that beautiful head of his. They had all the time in the world right now.

\--

Bucky stood out on the balcony that was off the master bedroom, lost in his own head. Leaning on the railing actually, using his metal arm to support the right one, which was aching, but not as much as before. The painkillers had helped considerably with that. 

He was staring out at the water, as the sun was starting to go down over the horizon, twirling a hair tie on his finger because he still couldn’t tie his own hair back yet because of that same arm. And Steve was downstairs tidying up whatever needed to be tidied. Bucky was happy for the alone time again, after all the talking and confessing and even the post-coital snuggling, he just wanted more time alone with his thoughts. 

And Steve understood this, like he always did. Bucky remembered what he’d said earlier. Whatever he needed to feel, he was allowed to feel. That he’d be there no matter what. And what Bucky wanted was a little time for himself.

Arya, as a cat, didn’t live by human rules, she made her own and was currently weaving around his feet before jumping up onto the railing and nudging him with her head, demanding attention. So he petted her absently as he lost himself in his thoughts, eyes focused on the deep blue sea in front of him, and then one in his head. Where he’d kept a lot of secrets over the years and was thinking it was maybe time to confess a few more of them. To put it all out there and let everything fall where it would.

Thinking about when he’d first come home to live with Steve. About how he’d put that bug out bag under the loose board on the porch. And how he’d sneak out to the fire escape at night and sit on that same porch, as if on watch. About the gun he’d kept in the drawer. And the times he’d thought about running away again.

Even about the things he’d had to do to survive and get by after he’d escaped Hydra. Sleeping under bridges and stealing clothes, even money if he could. All the while trying to put the piece of his mind back together, with fragmented memories of a previous life bouncing around inside his confused mind. How the more he’d learned about his life and what he’d lost, the angrier and more depressed he’d gotten.

About how he’d read papers and cut out pieces about Steve and keep them with him. Torn between longing to seek him out again, and fear about how Steve would receive him if he saw him again after everything. Not wanting to disrupt the life Steve had built for himself. Feeling the shame of what he was believe Steve wouldn’t want him back if he tried.

A big part of him wanting to be forgotten about by everyone. Even God if that was possible. Trying to ignore the crushing loneliness this brought, but felt he deserved for so long.

And how he was simply not ready to see him that day he showed up at his apartment. Not ready for the feelings it brought. That he hadn’t just run from the authorities, but from that as well.

Bits and pieces of this had been told to Steve, Amelia, Wanda, Sam over the course of years. But not all of it. Some things you just kept to yourself. They were yours and no one else’s. Some of them he was getting ready to finally confess, but some of them he never would.

_What do you see when you turn out the light?_ That Beatles song had asked _I can’t tell you but I know it’s mine._

Depression was terrible in the sense that it made you think of the worse things about yourself. It wasn’t necessarily being sad, just a painful emptiness. That black void that he’d been fighting for years. Opposite of the fear, anxiety, and anger. Opposite of love. He’d wanted, had come close to, just ending it on a few occasions. Like that time at the lake when it was unbearable, and the razor blade had looked appealing. Which was why, even when it was at its worse, he needed Steve and Arya and his friends around to remind him he was loved and could be happy. That he was allowed to be.

Amelia had told him many times, this was very important when it came over him hard like it had lately. In the wake of the latest trauma it had reared its ugly head again. Causing him to withdraw into himself. She had also said it was a normal thing to happen with his illness. That like the anxiety, he had to manage it. And to allow himself to feel the things he felt, to not suppress for the sake of others. And Steve had echoed that earlier.

It was okay to admit when it hurt. It didn’t make him weak. And that was something he was still learning even now. He was still on that learning curve in many ways.

He was appreciating more and more that they had come here. Away from everything. And while he missed home in many ways. And knew that the problems that were there, would still be there when they got back, he felt he might be in better shape to deal with them then. The view he had of the coming sunset was quite beautiful he had to admit. Calming. The physical sea quieting the turbulent one in his head. Was bringing more of that beautiful clarity by the day.

“Okay if I join you?” He heard Steve say from behind, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Or do you need more time?”

Bucky turned and was lit up once again by the brightness of Steve’s smile, the setting sun lighting up his blonde hair and bouncing off those sky-blue eyes of his. Bucky swore he fell more in love with him every time he looked at him. How much he’d grown and changed since they were kids, growing up in tough place, looking out for each other.

And while Steve had changed appearance wise, he was still the same punk inside. And he loved him with that same fierceness as had then.

“Well I do need to tie my hair back so yeah.” He teased, holding out the tie on his metal hand. “Come on over.”

Steve shook his head, taking the tie from Bucky. “That’s all I’m good for now huh?”

“Don’t worry punk..” Bucky mused, watching the way Steve’s bicep flexed as he reached around him to tie his hair for him. “You do have a lot of other uses to you know?”

Finishing up Steve left his hand on the side of Bucky’s face and smiled that winning smile at him. “As long as I’m useful jerk.” He told him, fingers pushing a stray strand of Bucky’s hair out of his face. “That’s what matters.”

He then pulled Bucky to him and kissed his head softly, causing him to take a shuddering breath at the feel of it. Letting his hands rest on Steve’s waist he kept his head lowered, biting his lip and trying to find a way to talk again. Like earlier it didn’t come easy. Probably never would.

“What’s on your mind?” Steve asked, sensing this conflict in him. “I mean if you wanna tell me that is.”

“I do.” Bucky reassured him, leaning his forehead against his. “Sometimes I just have a.. hard time getting it come out that’s all.”

“Take your time.” Steve told him, his hand wrapping around Bucky’s ponytail. “There’s no rush.”

Bucky smiled a little, his fingers getting a hold of Steve’s loose t-shirt. “You’re way too patient with me punk.” He admonished. “Considering how much shit I put you through.” He took another deep breath. “And how much I don’t tell you.”

“Because I love you Buck.” Steve told him in a soft voice. “Whatever you need I wanna do for you.”

He felt a little hitch in his throat at the simplicity of that statement. Remembering the way Steve was always looking to the future when he was young. To what he didn’t have. And how he’d matured in so many ways. He was always good-hearted, and was still kind of stubborn, but he’d tempered it with patience now, with a steadiness that Bucky had badly needed.

“When I first came home I.. kept this bag under the back porch just in case.” He started to confess, getting a good hold of Steve’s shirt now, which actually made his arm heart a little. “And I used to sneak out the fire escape and sit back there..in the shadows because I was afraid they’d find me.. But after a while I forgot about it cause.. “

“You started to feel safe.” Steve finished, not even looking surprised at this revelation.

“Yeah.” He continued, filing away Steve’s reaction for now. “But then he showed up and it was like I.. was there in that place again. And everything was just.. happening all around me and I wasn’t.. doing anything aoubt it. So I just decided to do something about it.” He paused for a moment just needing to compose himself. “So I took that bag and I used what was in it.. didn’t care about the consequences.. I just needed to take care of it myself and I didn’t even try to tell you that.. I just.. snuck out like I used to before.. and tried to take care of it.” He swallowed hard again. “Like the Soldier would.”

“Bucky it’s okay.”

“No it’s not.” He said adamantly. “I taped him up and tortured him because I wanted him to feel like I did. But it.. back-fired on me and now.” He looked down, biting his lip again. “Here we are..”

He continued to look down, thinking Steve had to still be mad. At this point he wasn’t sure he could deal with that. But felt maybe he deserved it for keeping things from him. For causing him pain like this all the time. He felt so guilty that it had been like a weight on him, crushing him internally. He steadied himself, fisting Steve’s shirt painfully in his hands even more, butting his head into his chest and closing his eyes.

“It’s okay if you’re pissed at me.” He said in a quiet voice, like a child who disappointed his parents. “I deserve that.”

He felt Steve’s hands on his face, lifting it to look at him. “No you don’t.” He was told, in a tender voice. “And I’m not mad. I might have been once but not anymore. I know why you did what you did and it’s okay.”

He opened his eyes with a little surprise and looked at him steadily. “You do?”

“Yes I do.” Steve answered, fingers brushing his hair gently. “And I knew about the bag under the porch. I knew about all those things Buck.”

Bucky felt even more surprised even though he shouldn’t have been. Steve was nothing if not observant of his behavior. He’d thought he’d pulled these things over on him, but he hadn’t. He’d known all along. But there was a bigger question on his mind regarding that.

“If you knew.. why didn’t you say anything?” He asked. “I was hiding shit from you. A lot of shit.”

“Because I wanted you to feel safe Buck.” Steve answered as if it should be obvious. “And if you needed to do that feel that way that was okay.”

The same reason he’d put the camera and the security system in that they had. Why he’d constantly made sure the light bulbs were changed all the time. All the things he did he did to make him feel comfortable and safe in his own home. And even though he’d known Bucky had a go-bag under the porch, that he was sneaking out, with the potential to run, he’d had faith that he wouldn’t. That he would feel safe enough to stay. And trusting that if he did run, he’d come back. The thought of this put a lump in Bucky’s throat and he was almost afraid to speak right away for fear of a flood again.

So instead he just grabbed his shirt tighter and kissed him instead, because words were definitely going to fail him at that moment. He could feel Steve’s strong hand gripping his hair in that way he loved, could feel his heartbeat against his own chest. A heart that he had been afraid when he was younger was going to stop, but now was stronger than his own. It had, in fact, carried his own.

And Bucky realized that no matter how far away he’d gotten from him, or how long it took, he always came back to that heart. And always would.

He pulled back slightly and nuzzled his face against Steve’s. “Thank you.” He whispered to him. It was the only think he could think to say.

“For what?”

Bucky smiled at that. “You know what for.” He sassed back, his lips skating over Steve’s. “Don’t be dense Rogers.”

He turned his eyes slightly and saw the sun setting beautifully over the water, creating that ripple reflection of yellow and orange against the darkening blue. And there was Arya, sitting with her tail curled around her, silhouetted against it. Once again he felt an urge to paint this. Feeling that need coming back to him now this mind was clearing the clutter. In fact he’d already picked a room here to do it in too.

“Wow that’s kind beautiful.” Steve said, his own head turned to see what Bucky was looking at. “Although not as beautiful as my boo bear.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that. “You’re such a sap.” He sassed him. “Why do I put up with you again?”

Steve just responded by gripping Bucky’s hair again and pulling him into another kiss, taking his breath and thoughts away for the moment. Feeling not just that hand but that refreshing salty air moving his hair around Steve’s fingers and he felt at peace. Letting Steve’s other hand pull him closer, causing him to smile against his lips.

“Do you remember now?” Steve asked as they finally pulled apart.

“Yup.” Bucky said, smiling hazily as he nuzzled his face against Steve. “Sure do.”

“So…” Steve seemed to muse, playing with Bucky’s hair. “What do you feel like doing for the rest of the night Sergeant Barnes?” His other hand was sort of drifting south, rubbing Bucky’s lower back and patting his ass softly. “I mean the nights still young.”

Bucky thought about it, turning his head to the water again, watching the waves slap gently against the shore. Remembering that morning, what it felt like to be in that water. And how much tension had still been between them then. It seemed like a lot had happened since then. And now he wanted to go back in their again. In a whole different state of mind.

And whatever happened, happened.

“Hmm.” Bucky mused, his lips curving into a mischievous smile. “How about we go for a swim Captain?”

Steve gave him a studious look, as if recognizing this particular look. “A swim huh?” He said thoughtfully. “We’d have to change our clothes.”

“You silly goose.” Bucky replied, pulling out of his arms and taking his hand. “Who said anything about clothes?”

Looking over his shoulder he saw Steve seem to get the meaning of this. It was a private beach after all. And after a long, dark period, Bucky was starting to feel more himself. More adventurous and was fulling planning on taking advantage of this opportunity.

“Well then..” He heard Steve say behind him as he walked. “Lead the way..”

\--

Steve had admit watching Bucky strip his clothes off in the moonlight was a hell of sight. Like something out of beautiful dream he might’ve had at one time. But it wasn’t a dream. He was his husband. And he was happy at that moment, making him almost breathtakingly beautiful. Reminding Steve of the carefree teenager he’d been so long ago.

As kids Bucky always been the more adventurous of the two. While Steve had the bravado, picked fights and all, he’d also been treated as different, as frail and sickly. But not by Bucky Barnes. He’d dragged him on roller coasters and dared him to do other crazy things he would never have done before. He was not ignorant of the risks but refused to treat Steve as any different than himself.

It had been Bucky that had made the first move. Who changed the nature of their relationship, and make Steve feel, for the first time, like a normal healthy person in every way possible.

He’d been fearless. And Steve had fallen in love with that fearlessness. That confidence. Buoyed by that good heart that was always taking home strays. Like himself.

Bucky had that same look in his eyes that he’d had the first time he’d pulled him under the pier at Coney Island when they were teenagers. When they’d taken the bold step to become lovers in time when that was truly dangerous for them both.

Steve had been saddened by the fact that he’d lost that confidence in himself. Lost that overall bravery that served him well over the years. That it had so brutally stripped from him. And he’d only really started to get it back over the last year, only to have it knocked down again by that piece of shit showing up like he had.

When Steve looked at him tonight, peeling the last of his clothing off to go for a night swim in the ocean, he saw that cocky kid again. The one that had, along with his mother, made him believe himself too. The way he looked over his shoulder at him, that mischievous look in those gorgeous eyes, brought him to those old feelings when they first truly started this journey and he wanted to go with him again.

“Come on in punk.” Bucky called out to him as he hopped in the water, naked except for his tags, ring and bracelets. “The water’s fine.”

Losing all sense of modesty at the glorious sight in front of him, he stripped off his own clothes in record time and trotted into the calm water himself. It was warm, so much warmer than home and let himself sink into it like a bathtub, and watched Bucky drop himself under the water and come back up like a damn mermaid, flipping his hair, water sliding off his amazing physique. He’d lost a bit of weight in the hospital but still looked perfect, healthy and beautiful. Chest, abs, hips perfectly visible. Scars, old and new, standing out and instead of marring the beauty, simply deepened it.

He swam over, needing to get his hands on him, and Bucky wasn’t making a real effort to get away from him either. Scooping him up into his arms he pulled him close, feeling his wet hands, one flesh, one metal, slide over his own wet back deliciously, their lips mere inches apart.

“You caught me Captain.” Bucky said with a wicked grin. “What are you going to do with me?”

“I don’t know..” Steve growled softly. “Haven’t decided yet.”

Bucky then leaned against him, those wet hands gripping Steve’s ass perfectly and kissed him heatedly, pushing his body backwards until they fell under water like that. Which didn’t slow the heat of the kiss in the slightest. Steve in fact, gripped Bucky’s hair tightly and kissed him harder, their tongues meeting sweetly under the water in one of the most amazing kisses they’d ever had. And they’d had a lot.

When they finally popped out of the water, breathless, Bucky’s arms were around his neck, both their knees resting on the sand underneath. And Steve ran his hand over Bucky’s wet hair, smoothing it back as he stared into his eyes, which were reflecting the moonlight the same way the water was, refracting and reflecting the light. Showing love and desire in equal measure.

“God you’re beautiful.” Steve whispered as he gently pulled Bucky’s head back to suck on his neck. “So perfect.”

He heard Bucky moan softly at that, fingers digging into his back and the sensation was so arousing to him. He wanted him, right here in the water under the moon just like this. After everything that had happened, after the way they’d broken through today it felt like another natural progression to experiment with. And apparently Bucky was feeling the same way too.

“Remember.. under the dock?” He asked, his voice getting moany with desire. “Our first time?”

Oh he remembered, first of many times. Including recent years. But that first one. The risk and illicitness of it combined with a feeling of rightness as well. How could something that others were saying was wrong feel so right? Because it had never been wrong to begin with.

They were not kids anymore, and way beyond their firsts but the feeling was still there. It was another feeling of renewal again. Earlier had been about reconnection. Now they were starting anew. Like a baptism in a strange way.

“Of course..” Steve said against the wet skin of Bucky’s throat. “You were perfect then too.”

Bucky put his hands on Steve’s face and look in his eyes, and Steve saw the love shining in them. The softness of it. “So were you.” He told him. “You always were to me.”

Truth was, Bucky had loved him even then. Before he was Captain America. Before he was so big and strong. He’d loved that scrawny punk that always got in over his head. He saw what he could’ve been and showed him it was possible to be loved for that too. In many ways he was the reason he became who he was as a result.

He kissed him again then, growling softly again as he did it, making his intentions very clear and he heard Bucky whine in response to this, before tearing his lips away and turning in his arms so his back was to Steve. Who then proceeded to grab his hips possessively and pull him onto his lap, Bucky’s legs sliding apart until his knees were on either side of Steve’s.

“I love you.” He growled in his ear. “My Bucky.. my Soldier…”

He heard Bucky whine again softly in his throat. “We love you..” He breathed, shifting on his lap. “Our Steve.”

With those words uttered, he held him steady and pushed himself into him, right there in the water, seeing Bucky’s head fall back onto his shoulder. His mouth open, half-lidded eyes turned up to the sky. To the moon, which looked down on them as it had on many lovers over the ages.

The water provided natural buoyancy, giving Bucky supreme comfort with his injuries. Steve wrapped his hand around his stomach, flattening it over the healing wound under the water and fastened his lips to his neck, in a silent promise to love him and take care of him forever. No matter what. That he was his and always would be.

As the passion took hold, their moans echoing over the water, skipping like rocks, Steve once again cemented his claim to him. Biting the back of his neck in a raw, primal way that caused an intense cry of pleasure to cascade across the water.

“Mine..” He whispered into Bucky’s ear after finally letting go of his neck. “My love… mine..”

And Bucky’s moans indicated he agreed with wholeheartedly.

They went harder, Bucky pushing back as Steve pushed in, meeting his thrust with his own, no reservations. Nothing at all. And when they finally came it was together, their bodies so in sync and it was just glorious.

Breathing hard, Steve put his hand on Bucky’s forehead, turning his face to his and kissed him just like that, his hand still resting on that cross-shaped wound, pressing into it as if that could heal it. And maybe it could.

“I love you..” Steve whispered against those precious lips, the water still sloshing around them.

Bucky moaned softly in reply, before pulling off him and turning in his arms. And then tackling him into the water again, both of them going under it again into that deep, blue sea under the moon and stars. Living this perfect moment for as long as possible.

\--

Laying on his left side on the bed, hair still damp from their ‘swim’ Bucky felt so serene, so at peace. Like everything fit perfectly together again. He wasn’t over the hump, there was still work to do, but for the first time in a long time it dint’ feel like endless depression. He could see the light again and it was good. Very good.

Steve was laying behind him, both of them undressed again and he was doing some beautiful work with his hands. And soon he knew, with his lips and tongue as well. He promised after all, to take care of him. And Steve always kept his promises.

“Alright jerk on your back.” Steve commanded and Bucky felt that little quiver in his stomach at the sound of that.

“Yes sire.” He answered, rolling himself carefully onto said back. “Anything else?”

“Yes.” Steve said as he leaned over him. “Just relax and let Doctor Steve do his work.”

Bucky watched with love as Steve put that body pillow back under his injured shoulder and fluffed the one under his head. Remembering their earlier tryst and shifting slightly at the pleasant soreness he felt from that. And as he laid on his metal arm his fingers felt that lovely love bite on the nape of it as well, that almost made him come right when he’d done it. That primal feeling of being claimed by his mate was just so…Even now it was stirring him inside again to just think about it.

He then felt Steve’s hands massaging his thighs as took care of him, rubbing those thighs before diving in between them and massaging him internally with first his fingers and then his lips and tongue, driving him bananas as he did so. Pleasuring him to the point of madness, causing him grip Steve’s blonde hair with his metal fingers and tug on it as he came again powerfully for him.

“You kind of taste like the ocean you know that?” Steve said as he climbed back up Bucky’s body. “A clean, perfect ocean.”

“You know that’s kind of poetic there punk.” Bucky gasped, trying to get his air back again. “Should write that down or somethin’.”

He was then kissed again and Bucky could still taste the saltwater on his lips and tongue and wrapped that metal arm around Steve’s neck, pulling him closer, wanting more of that. Even though he was tired, feeling sleepy in a really good way now.

But feeling another strange urge as well. To paint. It was like a burning under the surface. An inch in his fingers. Even though that arm hurt, he could still paint with it he knew. He’d fight through it. He pulled back and looked up at Steve, biting his lip, eager to tell him this as well.

“I know that look.” Steve said as he rubbed his nose on Bucky’s playfully. “What’s on your devious little mind Sergeant Barnes?”

“I wanna pain again.” He answered, a broad smile on his face. “I feel like I can now.”

He saw Steve smile too and sit up on his knees. “Then you should.” He was told as he was gently pulled up to a sitting position. “Don’t’ let me stop you.”

Bucky actually felt giddy about this, and sprung up, grabbing a pair of pajamas to throw on. Something he didn’t care if got paint all over. He saw a proud and amused look at Steve as he did this, and then scampered out of the room to the one he’d designated as his painting room while they stayed here.

Ripping the cover off the easel, he opened up the paints and pulled out the brushes, ignoring any twinges in his arm as he did. That would be taken care of later. Right he had to do this. And so he began, getting lost in that beautiful haze of creativity that he’d missed so much since that whole nightmare began. And a picture began to emerge slowly.

He wasn’t even aware Steve had come in to watch him. Or that Arya was sitting at his feet, he was just lost in it. In fact he lost all track of time. Smeared paint on his face and in his still drying hair. On his clothes. Everywhere. But like every other thing he didn’t’ notice.

When he finally sat back and saw what he’d done he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Bucky that’s amazing.” Steve’s voice said from behind him, almost startling. “I mean..”

It was the seascape, that deep blue sea, under the stars and the shining moon. And figures, dark, but clearly them, with their arms around each other, heads together. There was a sense of peace in it, of safety and that tinge of the melancholy he’d been, shown by the darker colors. But that was just a tinge.

He smiled as he felt Steve’s arms wrap around him from behind, his chin resting on top Bucky’s head. “I think that’s your best work yet.” He said in his ear. “That’s going on the wall when we get home.”

He hadn’t known at the time that Steve had taken a picture of him painting like that, the moon shining in through the skylight now, the cat sitting between his feet. It would come to be a somewhat well-loved picture. But for now, he was ignorant of it.

“Yeah.” He agreed himself. It had taken a long time for him to acknowledge his art was good. It was another step for him he knew. “I think it should..”

“I’m glad you’re painting again.” Steve whispered to him. “It’s good for you. “

He hadn’t even known he could do this a few years ago but once he’d started he’d begun to understand just how much it helped. It started out rough and he wasn’t as technically sound as some, but Wanda had told his work made up for that with it’s raw emotion. An expression of his inner feelings. Amelia and Steve had both agreed, the latter insisting on hanging every painting Bucky had ever done, up on the walls of the art room. Starting with his first. A self-portrait of the Winter Soldier.

This one was expressing the lifting of some of the darkness while acknowledging it’s presence at the same time. He understood that language and knew that it expressed it better than his words ever could.

“Yeah.” He finally answered, wrapping his hand around Steve’s. “I’m glad I am too. “ He tilted his head up to look at him. “I missed it more than I realized.”

He sat there and stared it for a while just like that. Admiring his work without his usual skepticism and let himself be proud for once.

\--

Steve woke up later that night, shaking from a nightmare. One in which Bucky hadn’t recovered. Once again seeing him die in his arms, blood coming out of his mouth as he gasped his last breaths. Hearing that man laughing evilly.

_If I can’t have him no one can…_

He screamed in the dream, crying out Bucky’s name but tried so hard not to wake him. Not to worry him. Because tonight, for once, Bucky was the one sleeping soundly. It was Steve who was tormented now. Having a horrific nightmare that had been repeated over the last couple of weeks. Suffering a bout of his own PTSD and he shouldn’t have been surprised about that.

But he wasn’t able to keep it from Bucky, who had awoken himself, seeing Steve shaking hard, even in the dark. “Steve?” He heard him ask, feeling his hand on his back. “Are you okay?”

Steve tried to compose himself, to calm the shaking in his body but he couldn’t. The residue images from the nightmare, coupled with memories of Bucky with blood pouring out of his stomach, collapsing in his arms. The one of him sobbing on the floor with a bleeding wrist. And of course the memory that would never leave as well, of him falling from that train. He just couldn’t shake them, couldn’t calm himself.

“Steve?” Bucky asked again, his arms coming around him from behind trying to comfort him. “It’s okay.”

He broke down then and turned in his arms, clutching him and burying his face in shoulder. “I dreamed you died.” He babbled into Bucky’s shoulder. “It’s always the same… I..I can’t save you..”

He felt Bucky wrapped his arms around him, holding him to him and cradling his head. “I’m still here it’s okay.” He seemed to whisperer in Steve’s hair. “I got you Stevie.”

He used to call him that when they were younger. When Steve was sick with a fever or having a nightmare. It caused such an instinctual reaction to hear it. Causing Steve clutched him like a life raft, not wanting to let him go. Fearing in this irrational state that nightmare would become reality and everything that happened since was just a fever dream born of grief. He couldn’t lose him, not again, not ever. It had nearly destroyed him the first time.

“I can’t lose you Buck.” He told him, his voice broken by tears. “Not again… please never again.”

Bucky put his hands on his face and held it, looking into Steve’s eyes with those brilliant ones of his, very much alive and breathing. “I’m so sorry I scared you.” He said in a broken voice of his own. “I’m so sorry.”

He then climbed into Steve’s lap, wrapping his arms around his head. Which allowed Steve to bury his face into Bucky’s chest, hearing his strong heartbeat still pounding away in there. He gripped Bucky’s back tightly as they sat just like that, Bucky’s face buried in Steve’s hair trying his best to comfort him now.

“Just.. don’t leave me again.” Steve whispered into Bucky’s chest. “I won’t make it this time.”

“I promise Steve.” Bucky replied into his hair. “Never again.”

After a while he felt Bucky pull him down to lay on his shoulder, laying on his back as he did. And wrapped them up in the blanket like that before turning on his left side so they could curl up tougher. He then pressed his lips to Steve’s head softly as he held him, taking care of him now. Passing the strength on.

He started to feel himself settle down and snuggled into Bucky, wrapping his arms tightly around him as if he didn’t ever want to let go. And at that moment he didn’t. He was here, alive and in his arms. Far away from everything and they were in no hurry to leave.

Nuzzling his facer against his, Steve started to feel better. The shaking was slowing down. Bucky’s face buried in hair was helping a lot. He hadn’t realized just how traumatized he himself had been by all this. That it wasn’t just Bucky who was suffering, but himself too.

“You okay now?” Bucky asked quietly, voice muffled by Steve’s hair.

“I don’t’ know.” Steve answered after a minute. “I just keep thinking about what happened and the more I try not to, the more it creeps in.”

“Have you talked to your therapist lately?”

To be honest he hadn’t thought of it. The last time was before all this happened, when things were going a little better. He’d been putting off he’d realized, sort of in a weird sort of denial about what was going on with him. He buried his face further against Bucky’s neck, as if wanting to hide there.

“Not recently.” He admitted. “I know I probably should.”

“Please do it Steve.” Bucky told him, tightening his arm around him. “All this is hurting you and you need to deal with it.” He seemed to nuzzled against Steve’s hair a little more. “You’re not that superhuman punk.”

Steve smiled at that and lifted his head to look in Bucky’s eyes. And could see the seriousness and concern in them as well. “Okay.” He agreed, holding him tighter with his own arm as well. “I’ll give him a call tomorrow alright?”

“I mean it punk.” Bucky replied, pressing his face against Steve’s. “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

He knew he would. Bucky was and always had been a bulldog when it came to taking care of him too. He’d make a Skype call to his therapist tomorrow and have a chat. Just like Bucky did with Amelia when he was away.

“I will.” He told him, brushing their lips together. “I promise.”

“I love you punk.” Bucky whispered against his lips. “You’re health is important to me too you know?”

Steve smiled at that. “I know jerk.” He said in return. “And I love you too. More than you know.”

He kissed him then, a soft, sleepy kiss as if to seal that statement. Something he never wanted to stop saying. Ever. Never wanted a moment to go by where Bucky didn’t’ know it. Time was precious. They’d lost so much of it as it is, and nothing was ever guaranteed. So ‘I love you’s’ would said. Chances would be taken. Life would be lived.

And speaking of that.

“You’re birthday is coming up you know?” Steve said against his lips. “In a few day’s.”

Bucky’s face crinkled cutely in the dark. “Don’t remind me.”

“I got plans for you too.” He told him, wanting a pleasant distraction. “And trust me you’ll enjoy it.”

“You know I told you my birthday is no big deal right?”

Steve chuckled and rubbed his nose playfully. “Oh come Buck.. you only turn 103 once.”

“Oh my God will you stop?” Bucky said with an irritation Steve could tell didn’t go very deep. “You’re so annoying.”

Chuckling Steve kissed his nose again. “Maybe..” He said, rubbing Bucky’s back softly. “But I know my boo bear loves me anyways.”

Bucky sighed wearily and laid his head back against Steve’s. “Unfortunately I do.” He said to him, smiling too. “My cross to bear.”

It wasn’t long after that exchange that they went back to sleep, laying with their heads together like that. Cat sleeping at their feet. And Steve had gone to sleep with more pleasant thoughts on his mind then he’d had when he’d woken up earlier.

Things were getting better and that was all that mattered right now.

And this time there were no dreams to disturb their peaceful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the healing begin folks yes indeed. This the first of at least 2 (possibly 3 if I'm so inclined because lord knows the boys need it) chapters on the beautiful Hawaiian Island of Lanai, which we will explore more in the next chapter, this one was just opening up the gates of the emotional reconnection, which continue in the next one too. 
> 
> So a few points. For starters as you can tell this chapter was heavily psychological in it's content, showing the roots of the distance and emotional shutdown for both. And while Bucky's might be more obvious and complex, Steve's are being explored heavily too. 
> 
> Bucky's new scar, which had difficulty at first in allowing Steve to see, or even touch is at first a source of shame and guilt for him. A lot like early in the previous book, when it came to showing his arm, this took some time to overcome. For Bucky it's like a mark. A brand that man put on him and also very symbolic of the mental wounds as well. As we know, he does have a tendency to shut and process after something traumatic happens. So sort of lick his wounds a bit. But like the injury, the scab is starting to come off and heal. But it's still tender as you can see. 
> 
> Steve's admission of visiting the Colonel and his reasons for doing it were important. But more important was the admission that he got in Steve's head and made him question things with Bucky. Made him wonder if Bucky was even telling the truth. And it's a common worry with partners of assault victims, considering the nature of the violation. The Colonel tapped into that doubt, not just with Steve but with Bucky too and it's why, getting that intimacy back is so important. To prove to each other and themselves that its okay. 
> 
> Steve's nightmare was an important addition for me because Stee has obviously suffered from some PTSD of his own, pretty much from the moment Bucky fell off the train. He has spent a lot of time dealing that with fallout with himself and dealing with Bucky's mental issues and seeing Bucky nearly die again has brought it back to the surface, so it's not the last you'll see of it. It's a manifestation that's showing up and thankfully Bucky won't let Steve not take care of himself. He's just as protective, if not more so than Steve is remember. 
> 
> I have been to Hawaii by the way, not that island in particular but I can tell you the water is so warm there, and like Steve and Bucky I come from the northeast (Massachusetts to be exact) and I can tell you our water is freezing here most of the year. So it's quite a shock to swim in warm water. And the sand in Hawaii is amazing. And I do swear the ocean is a different color there. The color of Bucky's eyes to be precise. Like I said, we will explore a little more Lanai in the next chapter, because will tear apart from each other enough to take a look around. 
> 
> I love Bucky's painting how it helps him sorting out his mind. Art can be so therapuetic like that. Sometimes when things are heavy for him he gets the block, and once the clutter clears, the world around him rushes in and allows him to paint it all out. So yeah he's gonna keep on doing that. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the smut in this chapter btw, there will be more to come in the next one. I wanted to get them back to business but to have it be a healing experience as well. It was about time wasn't it? :)
> 
> Next chapter does not have an official title yet, but will continue the vacation and the opening up of course And yes Bucky's birthday will occur during this trip so there will be some good times for once ;) beyond that I won't say a thing. 
> 
> Thank you for the reviews, you all make my day when I get them <3<3 and I hope you all are dong well in these tough times *hugs*


	16. Catch and Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwrok on my Tumblr per usual :)
> 
> hope everyone is doing well these days.

They were taking a nap. It was a regular thing during the day lately. For a variety of reasons.

Bucky curled up a little more, snuggling more against Steve’s warm body, both of them sans clothes under the covers after a sweet afternoon session. He wrapped his foot around Steve’s and tried to go back to sleep but it was hard doing, despite the rhythmic sound of both the waves on the shore and Steve’s regular breathing. He was just restless and couldn’t help it.

One of the main reasons for the lack of sleep lately, other than their overactive sex life in the last several days, was that the night wasn’t pleasant for either one of them. Nightmares were stalking them both regularly. Now that all the distractions were gone, their minds were healing and as a result the ghosts stalked both of them at night as a result.

For Bucky the nightmares were nothing new, but Steve was having them too. Dreams of losing him over and over again that had caused him to wake up screaming Bucky’s name and shaking terribly in his arms. So even when Bucky was free from his own, he was busy comforting Steve as well. It was exhausting.

That didn’t mean Bucky’s were typical or easy to deal with either. Like the one he’d just had, while dozing post-coitally. It had been a horrifying micro-dream that he’d barely contained himself from screaming from and waking Steve.

He’d dreamed of the chains again. And woke up with the feeling of it around his neck, cutting off his air.

Of that man breathing in his ear as he touched him with other hand. Places he never gave permission be touched. It made him feel sick upon waking, wanting to bolt to the bathroom and throw up his lunch.

But if he did that Steve would notice and ask questions. And Bucky didn’t want to answer those questions. Steve had enough doubt in his mind thanks to the Colonels words, Bucky did not want to add to it by bringing that shit up so soon after they’d just had sex. So he stifled that feeling for now. Choosing instead to turn around from the spooning position they’d been in and snuggle into his arms, feeling Steve sleepily put his own arm around him, hand sliding over Bucky’s back, making him feel safe and clean again.

The problem was he couldn’t go back to sleep now though. And he needed to sleep. They both did.

So he lay there, nuzzling his face into Steve’s neck and tried to force himself to, but it was turning out fruitless. And he couldn’t get up because Steve would notice. That was another thing. They couldn’t seem to separate from each other lately. At least not for very long. There was a growing form of separation anxiety and codependence developing between them, and while they understood why, it was hard to overcome it.

It was part of the reason for their hyper-sexuality lately as well. They just couldn’t stop touching each other. Not that it felt unhealthy, it was part and parcel to the fact that the communication was re-opened between them, which opened the physical intimacy to a whole new level. But it was in some ways like they didn’t want to let each other go, never mind out of their sight.

Bucky had mentioned this Amelia while on Skype and had been told it wasn’t unusual after trauma and near-death experiences that that happened. There was a fear between them born of that particular trauma and it manifested itself in this way sometimes.

“You’re sort of re-establishing the boundaries in your relationship after a new trauma and sometimes that results in what seems like erratic behavior but it’s actually pretty normal.”

“I’m not complaining it’s just sems kinda co-dependent.” He told her. “It’s like we can’t.. be away from each other these days.”

“You just do what feels right okay?” She’d told him. “Whatever you both need to do to heal is okay. Because you’ve been through a lot, especially lately, and you both are still feeling it.”

He knew she was right on that, and just because they were far away in paradise didn’t mean those feelings were going to go away just like that. It just gave them a more peaceful place to recover. So he let himself sort of feel the pain that micro-dream brought back and buried his face more into Steve’s neck, using his right arm to tighten painfully around Steve’s back and let the tremble go through him. And felt Steve respond this movement, sensing the distress even in his sleep.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, his own arm tightening around Bucky’s back and holding him close. “You okay?”

“No.” Bucky said honestly, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m not.”

He could feel Steve’s lips on his head, pressing into it. “You wanna talk about it?” He asked softly, without urge or expectation in his voice.

Bucky shook his head. “Not really.”

“What do you need right now?”

He just wanted to be held. That was all. Didn’t want to discuss the sick feeling that had risen in his stomach at the images and feelings in that dream. Didn’t want to tell Steve what it had felt like be hurt and violated for the hundredth time. There was no way to describe it, especially to someone who loved you, without hurting them at the same time. So he just wanted this. Just wanted to feel safe again.

“Just this.” He told Steve, wrapping his leg more around Steve’s as well. “Please?”

“Okay.” Steve answered quietly, his other hand stroking Bucky’s hair. “Whatever you need.”

Bucky nuzzled him a little more, his right arm, with the shoulder still aching, clutching Steve’s back like a manacle. He could his in his neck and the warmth of this body surrounding him. Listening to the ambient sound of the waves rolling across the shore from the open window and tried to relax. To calm that sick feeling he’d felt upon waking,.

He felt Steve’s hand rubbing that shoulder, which was getting better daily but still limited. It couldn’t bear wait yet and flexing it hurt. Steve’s fingers kneading the muscle felt good and relaxed him, making him feel tired. But he still couldn’t sleep and probably wouldn’t he knew.

“I’m so tired.” He murmured into his neck. “But I just.. can’t sleep.. every time I close my eyes..”

“I know..” Steve replied, burying his face in Bucky’s hair as if smelling it. “Same here.”

He could feel the chain tight around his neck, pressing him into the desk in front of him. Could feel that man breathing in his ear. Hot, rancid breath that smelled of vodka and cigarettes. Just like the other one. They’d drink while they’d had him locked up. He could hear them sometimes. Letting off steam while he sat in the dark. At least they’d left him alone then. But when they had him, it was like this and the smell of vodka was yet another one that had always made him sick too. Just like the bacon, but for very different reasons.

Bucky could smell it now even though there was none in the beach house. None in his home either. It was the only kind of alcohol he wouldn’t touch.

He started shaking again and he knew Steve felt it because he held him closer. “Whatever it is Buck it’s okay.” He whispered into hair. “You’re safe now.”

Bucky whined a little, waiting the memories to go away. All of them. The abuses, the torture, the murders. All the things they’d made him do and endure. The things that the sensible part of him knew weren’t his fault, but the other part of him, the deeper part of him, kept whispering him the opposite. That he was, and always would be tainted, dirty, used. A killer. That masochistic part of him that came out when it hurt really bad, when the depression struck hard. It was a hard voice not to listen to.

And he was too damn tired to argue with it now.

But there was that part of him that kept fighting and it was fighting now. Fighting it back and wanting to just confess to Steve. To let him help. “I dreamed about the.. chain..” He confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I just… feel…sick..”

He knew Steve knew what he meant. The Soldier had told him about that. And Bucky hoped there was no follow up question to it. It was enough that Steve knew but he didn’t have to know the details. The Colonel had gotten in his head enough as it was. And they were just getting back on track over the last several days.

Steve didn’t ask any follow-up question thankfully. As if sensing it coming off of Bucky. “How we take a shower?” He asked into Bucky’s hair. “ And I’ll wash your hair and..” He tilted Bucky’s head to look him in the eyes. “And we’ll see how you feel after.”

That sounded splendid actually. So he could wash that filthy feeling off him. That memory of the chain and the vodka. “Sure.” Bucky answered, managing a smile. “Sounds great.”

Steve got up off the bed and before Bucky could even think to sit up, he was pulled into his arms and lifted off the bed. And was carried just like that to the bathroom right off the bedroom. Carried naked just like that, because there was no real point in getting dressed was there? Not like anyone could see them anyways.

It was so easy to operate the shower that Steve didn’t even have to put Bucky down to do it. For which he was happy. Feeling like if he stood up on his own he’d puke to be honest. And it still gave him feels that his little punk could pick him up now effortlessly. Could even hold him up with one arm like this. And there was something in that being carried thing that just melted his heart anyways. Making him feel protected as well. Cared for in a way he’d never felt anywhere else.

_We took care of you.._ the Colonel had tried to tell him. But that was bullshit wasn’t it? All of it was.

As he was set down on his feet, onto the cool tiles of the shower he felt that strongly. All those times they’d hurt and used him and then had to audacity to say that they were caring for him. That they were the only ones who did. That they’d made him better in some way. It made those hot tears sting his eyes again. Those damn bastards.

Before Steve could ask him about those damn tears, he pulled him in and kissed him powerfully under the water spray, throwing his arms around his neck, even if it hurt a little to do. Could feel Steve’s arms around him, sliding up and down his back in that soft caress before his palms flatten against it.

Steve pulled back from Bucky after a full minute and looked in his eyes deeply. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, staring back as the steam filled the stall. “I am now.”

Steve smiled and then picked up the shampoo with one hand, taking them off Bucky long enough to put it his hair. And worked it into his hair gently, before turning him around and proceeded to wash it. Bucky closed his eyes, loving the feel of Steve’s fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp and just working his magic.

“I love washing your hair.” He whispered in Bucky’s ear. “I love taking care of you.”

Bucky felt himself starting to relax and just the slight growl in Steve’s voice was enough to make his knees almost go rubber as well. Using the metal arm to brace himself against the wall to steady himself. Because once Steve was done with his hair he was going for the soap and that.. that was what he really wanted. That full body touch. They’d made love so many times over the last several days and today would be no different, but he needed those hands right now. Needing to wash away the feeling that short dream had brought back.

“Mmmhmm.” Bucky murmured in return. “I kinda like it too punk.”

He leaned back more int Steve’s arms, urging more touching. More of everything. He was hungry for it. Felt his hands go from his hair to his body, running soap all over him as he did. Felt his lips on his neck, nuzzling it, and moaned softly, his eyes fluttering shut. Losing himself in this warm hazy world that was far from that dark nightmare. Light years away.

“I’m gonna get you nice and clean now..” Steve growled softly in his ear. “Sound good sweetheart?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky purred in return, leaning into those hands. “Sure does.”

I was actually, everything thing he needed and more and he let himself just fall into it.

\--

Steve didn’t ask him about the dream he’d had. About the chain. He knew what that was. The Solider had told him the story once. So he’d felt no need to ask again. If Bucky wanted to talk about something he would. It was just like with fingertips. Which he’d observed on multiple occasions while Bucky was painting. And when he’d held his flesh hand, running his own fingers over it.

There were no lines. They were smooth, callused. There were no swirling lines like most.

He knew what that meant, because Bucky had had his fingerprints taken upon joining the Army. He’d had them then. It meant they’d been burned off at some point. He asked him once, several months ago about it. And Bucky’s response had been strange but not exactly surprising.

“I don’t know.” Bucky had said, seeming shrugging it off. “I guess they burned them off or something.”

“You don’t remember?”

Bucky had looked up at him, his expression unreadable. “I don’t remember a lot of things. “ He’d said, with a strange tone in his voice. “Why would this be any different?”

Steve hadn’t been sure then what was worse, that he didn’t quite remembered it, or that he’d shrugged it off almost like it wasn’t a big deal. He knew burning off fingerprints required extreme and sometimes repeated pressing of the fingers to an extremely hot surface. But it had been clear that either he just didn’t remember yet, or just didn’t want to talk about it.

Kind of like the chain dream he’d just had. He simply was not ready to talk about those things yet. They were reopening their lines of communications again, letting down the armor so to speak, but there was a lot of layers of pain in both of them. And these things took a while. Steve had discussed this with own therapist as well, among other things, including his own bout with PTSD, at Bucky’s insistence and that had helped a lot with accepting it. And the patience required for that.

Right now, he wasn’t really thinking about that thought. He was more concerned about making Bucky feel good all over again. Making him forget that dream and its awful connotations. And Bucky seemed to need a lot of touching lately. Seemed to crave it. And Steve himself had craved it too. To re-establish themselves in that way. The physical intimacy was definitely back in full swing as a result.

It seemed in some ways thought, that Bucky needed to prove something to himself as well as Steve, that he was okay with everything. Almost like a take back of himself sexually after those things had been drudged back into his head again. Steve had recognized his sometimes desperate need to be touched. And recognized in himself as well, the need to fulfill that need, and prove, once and for all, that those doubts were no longer in his head either.

So while there had been little sleep at night due to nightmares for them both, there had quite of sex and lot of napping in between as a result. Which maybe as not a bad thing.

Healing took some strange forms sometimes.

Steve’s current activity of pleasuring Bucky in the shower was fully part of this too. He’d let his soapy roam over every inch of his skin he could touch before sliding a couple fingers into him and eliciting a sweet whine to come from deep in Bucky’s throat. It was all the incentive he needed to keep going, to stroke him deeper and feel him rock back against his hand. And helped it along by stroking the front too as well with his other hand.

“Gotta make sure you’re clean after all.” He’d whispered into Bucky’s ear. “Inside and out..”

Bucky could do nothing but whine again in reply. It was such a lovely sound to Steve. That sound of pleasure coming out from between those beautiful lips. He chewed on his neck a little more, biting it softly causing Bucky to literally keened at this, and Steve knew he was close again. So he added another finger and stroked further and that did it.

Taking his other off him, Steve used it to hold Bucky up because he seemed to waver. He then finally pulled his fingers out and lifted the metal arm to brace against the wall. “You’re gonna wanna hold on love.” He growled in his ear. “Cause I’m not done yet.”

Bucky whined again in response and Steve slid down to his knees, his hands on his hips. Letting them run over the wet skin, sliding sweet over his hips and thighs, and move those gorgeous legs apart slightly. And put his lips and tongue where his fingers had been, holding him still as he did it.

He could hear Bucky’s whimpers and moans over the spray of the water and a smile as he feasted on his husband’s beautiful body. Which was, and always had been, given freely to him. There was never need for pain, force or coercion. It’s what always had made it so beautiful.

Once he’d satisfied himself he’d done enough there he slid back and pulled Bucky back against his chest, feeling that gorgeous ass of his pressed into him as he did. He slid his lips over Bucky’s exposed neck again, and up to his ear, feeling Bucky’s flesh hand rest on top of his. He knew he could feel him pressed into him, knew he wanted him. Could see his eyes half-lidded, as his head turned slightly and he grinded softly back against him.

“Tell me what you want? He growled in Bucky’s ear, stroking his hip as he did.

“You..” Bucky purred in return, his breathing already ragged. “Inside me.. right now.” He grinded a little more against impatiently. “Please Stevie..”

Steve loved when he called him that, usually in distress, or in moments like this. Hell even when he used it sarcastically it just gave a little shiver. Like the ‘boo bear’ term it was usually used in private, although that one, it slipped out sometimes.

“Anything for boo bear.” Steve breathed in Bucky’s air. “We aim to please.”

And just like that, he slid into him again. It didn’t take much, he was right there after all. Holding him there like that for a moment, he flattened his palm against Bucky’s stomach, just below the new healing scar and used his other hand to turn his head to him a little more. He wanted to see those eyes and lips, to see it take over. He loved watching him like that.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered to Bucky, his lips brushing his. “I love you.”

He told him both those things every day, hell multiple times a day. Never wanting him to forget or not feel it. So that when things got rough, he knew he was loved and cherished. He didn’t care if he said it a hundred times. It was never enough to express in his mind.

Bucky’s flesh fingers came around the hand Steve had pressed to his stomach, fingers entwining together. “I love you too punk..” He breathed in return, turning his head even more to let himself be kissed just like that.

Steve kissed him deeply, tasting the water droplets on his lips as he began to move against him. Holding him up in the shower as he did. Making love in the warm, steamy world where there was nothing but them. Proving once how desired and loved he was and always would be. And that he would always take care of him.

Seeing Bucky’s metal arm make streaks on the steamed up door, his own fingers wrapping around those to hold him steady.

“My Bucky..” He whispered in his ear as they moved together. “My Soldier.. my everything..”

Bucky moaned softly. “Our Steve…” He gasped in return, hands flexing. “We love you..”

Those words always had an effect on him, causing him to growl, latch his lips on his neck and moved harder. More possessively. “Mine…” He growled against his neck and lost himself in that sweet haze as well. “All mine..”

Bucky’s thick moans indicated not greater truth had ever been spoken.

\--

Bucky looked back at Steve as he pulled him up the hill. It was on the property and he’d been up here before, but Steve hadn’t. It had a hell of view and he wanted to share it And it felt good to be outside. Not that he was complaining about their indoor activities mind you. Not in the slightest

Just thinking of earlier put a happy smile on his face and a ripple of pleasure thought his body.

But the fresh sea air felt good. And so did the sun as well. He felt his lungs getting stronger every day as he got more exercise. More air. It had such a healing effect. One of many things that was beautiful about this place.

“Where are we going again?” Steve asked, his hand looped in Bucky’s metal one.

“You’ll see when we get there.” Bucky teased, swinging the interlocked fingers around he walked. “It’s pretty great.”

There were a variety of trees around, not just palm trees but all varieties of tropical ones and even some regular trees, all fighting for the ample sunlight. There were flowers of all colors growing around them creating a sensory overload of smells and colors. But none of them were any way unpleasant. And he had no allergies so it was perfect.

“It is really pretty I have to admit.” Steve observed. “You should bring your paints out here.”

Bucky smile as he turned to Steve. “Maybe I will.” He mused. “We are here for a while after all.”

They were planning on staying for quite a while actually. Basically until they were called forth by the Hague. Bucky thought this was a great idea really, even though he missed home and his friends but there was nothing threatening here. No reporters dogging his every move. No bad memories.

They were healing, both of them. And they required peace and quiet for that.

When they got the top, there was an open where it was clear, and it held a gorgeous view of the inlet they were surrounded by. Curving lengths of white sand beaches and the turquoise water lapping up against it. They could even see the nearest town, a little village where their supplies came from. And the boats in the water, including, off in the distance, a cruise ship. You see for miles all around.

“You were right.” Steve said with awe, the sea breeze blowing his lengthening blonde hair around. “It was worth the walk.” He looked at Bucky quizzically. “How did you know this was here?”

Bucky gave him a knowing grin and turned back to the water. “Well we were here a few days before we started banging each other’s brains out.” He sassed, moving some hair out of his face. “I did some exploring because.. I needed time to.. you know.. be alone and.. think.”

He had walked the ground the first day or so, while he and Steve were still in that limbo of sorts. He’d always been a bit of a wanderer, sometimes dragging Steve with him all over Brooklyn and sometimes the other Burroughs when they were kids. He liked discovering new things then. He’d gotten skittish over the years after escaping from Hydra out of necessity at first. Self-protection mostly. And had carried that hyper-alertness into his new life for a bit out of habit. But he had started to find it again and exploring the property felt like a natural progression for him at that point.

“I love when you use words like ‘banging’ boo bear.” Steve said, chuckling and pushing that errant strand of hair back from Bucky’s face again. “It’s so adorable.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and plopped himself down on the ground, right in the grass. He then reached a hand out to Steve, who took it and plopped down next to him, laying his head on Bucky’s stomach as they laid there looking up at the blue sky, speckled by fluffy clouds.

He put his metal arm under his head and allowed Steve to play with the other one, which was still sore but not as bad as it was. He seemed to be studying his hand and Bucky looked at him curiously, wondering what the sudden interest was.

“What’s the fascination with my hand punk?” He asked after a minute. “Did I not wash it or something?”

Steve smiled and kissed one of the fingers. “Nope clean as a whistle.” He told him and ran his thumb over that same fingertips. “There’s no line in them. At least on the fingers.”

Bucky looked back up at the sky, knowing Steve had made this observation before. And at that point he didn’t actually remember why that was. But now he did. Because the Winter Soldier remembered it. It had come out in therapy and now that he was being asked he knew he’d have to answer the question. Not that he wanted to. It wasn’t pleasant to think about. But then again, a lot of those memories weren’t.

“They used a hot plate.” He said flatly as he looked up at the sky. “They’d press my hand to it for I don’t a minute or 2 I’m not sure.” He paused for a moment, sighing deeply. “Until you could.. hear it sizzling.”

Steve had turned and was laying on his side looking at him. And Bucky could see the sorrow and anger on his face as he listened. He didn’t like to hurt him with this kind of information, but they’d made a deal with each other. They were in this together. And if he testified, a lot more would come out. So as much as he wanted to spare him, he couldn’t.

“They did it several times, to make sure.” He continued, still looking at the sky. “Once they were sure that it was done right the Colonel told me Sergeant Barnes didn’t exist anymore. That no one would ever know who I was. That there was no point in resisting anymore.” He closed his eyes at the memory of those words. “I was just Soldier.. that was all.”

The feeling of knowing they’d destroyed any semblance of who he’d been, melting his original dog tags and burning his clothes. The picture of Steve he’d kept in his pocket. Anything he had on him that would remind of who he’d been. The memories were all he’d had, and those had begun to fade too under the endless onslaught of torture and abuse that followed. The part of him still fighting, getting weaker and weaker until it was just a small flicker deep inside the Winter Soldier’s head. One that had somehow managed to stay alive and hidden from their grasp.

“Sorry Buck.” Steve said softly, stroking that hand with his own.

“For what?” Bucky asked him, opening his eyes and turning his head to him. “You didn’t do it.”

“You know why Buck.” Steve answered, holding that hand and rubbing it as if he could undo it. “That it happened at all.”

“Yeah it happened.” Bucky said, flattening his voice the way he used when, well he did this. “Its just not that big of a deal that’s all.” He turned his eyes away from him again. “Relatively speaking I mean.”

Steve looked incredulous at that for a moment. And then just looked sad. “Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse Buck.” He said with a heavy sigh. “The fact that those assholes did that or that you act like it’s not important that they did.”

He heard the sad tone in Steve’s voice, and saw that damn look too. The one he got whenever he revealed another element of his life in Siberia. Bucky hated those looks. They always felt like pity, even his rational mind knew it wasn’t that. He didn’t want people feeling sorry him like that. It brought his hackles up a bit and made him feel defensive just the same.

“What do you want me to do Steve?” He asked in a tone that was belied that feeling. “Fall apart every time I tell you one of these fabulous little bedtime stories of woe is me? I can’t..” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “It’s so heavy it’ll crush me.”

“I know Buck.” Steve answered, turning on his side, leaning on his elbow to look at him. “But only if you carry it by yourself.”

He looked over at Steve’s open face, seeing what he meant by that. That he wanted to bear some of that weight too. And all this holding it in did feeling crushingly heavy. The compartmentalization that he did with his own mind to cope with all of it. Amelia said he was great at it, that it had been a defense mechanism in way, shuttling the pain to different parts of his mind for survival purposes. The problem was, over the last year as his mind healed, he was faced with that heavy pain again and that brought the depression. Which led to shutting down again to continue to prevent it taking over his life.

And the part of him that wanted to protect Steve from it as well was strong. He didn’t want it to crush him with it too when he was dealing with his own issues and trauma as well. It was easier to dismiss something like a hand being pressed repeatedly into a hot plate or being chocked by a chain while being assaulted, then to burden someone he loved with more guilt and pain on top of what they were already carrying.

“I’m used to this weight Steve.” He told him, trying to shut it down, rather unsuccessfully. “I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with it.”

“That’s your way of saying you’ve had worse all over again isn’t it?” Steve answered with a little sharpness in his own voice. “I hate when you say that because it’s like you don’t care about you self or what happened to you as much as I do.”

It stung a little to hear that but that also had an element of truth in it as well. It confused him how he could despise himself so much sometimes and yet zealously protect himself internally as well. The tendency to think that getting your hand burned regularly wasn’t a big deal for him because there had been so much worse done to him and by him that was a small shakes by comparison. Looking at it from Steve’s perspective, or anyone who hadn’t been tortured the way he had, Bucky could understand how the reaction was confusing.

“You’re right.” He answered finally, turning back to look at Steve. “Maybe I still have a hard time accessing those feelings because.. I just disconnected myself from them for so long that..” He paused, biting his lip. “I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about these and I’m sorry about that.”

Steve put his hands on his face, leaning his own head against Bucky’s. “I know Buck… I get it.” He said adamantly, his eyes fierce. “And you don’t have tell me everything.. just admit when it hurts that’s all.” His face softened a little then. “You don’t have to hid that from me.”

Bucky closed his eyes painfully, feeling Steve’s hands on his face, the sea breeze blowing those loose strands of that he could never quite tame, around his fingers. This place was allowing him to feel safe again. Far away from everything and allowing him to tear down the walls he kept building around himself every time a fresh bout of pain ran through him.

“I didn’t scream when they did that.” He told him, letting the pain into his voice. “I held that one in.. wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that it hurt.. I did that a lot..” He shook with the memory of that, with the suppressed rage. “The only time I did with the chair.. I couldn’t stop that.. “

He supposed the screams from that stood for all of it. It was an involuntarily response in his body but part of him had wondered if he just released in defiance of everything else. For every broken bone, every burnt hand, or back-handed slap across the face. For all the abuse and degradation. For all the horrible things he was forced to do and endure. When he’d screamed then he’d released all that without realizing it. But he still felt like he could scream now if the situation warranted it.

There were still a lot of screams left inside him. A lot of anger too. That wasn’t going away.

Steve himself really didn’t say anything, just let him talk like he always did in these situations. Bucky turned his head, looking away at the water, at the cruise ship in the distance, as he sorted out his feelings on all this. The urge to scream into the breeze, to let it carry out into the ocean, was very strong.

“Now I don’t know how feel pain normally.” He told him, being completely honest. “So when I do I just wanna close it off. Find something to dull it. Anything.” He let out a hollow chuckle. “I guess I’m broken like that.”

“Stop saying that.” Steve said softly to him, nuzzling his face against Bucky’s. “You’re not broken.” He could feel Steve’s hand slide to back of his neck, just under his tied back hair. “You’re just different that’s all.”

Bucky smiled at that, thinking it was sweet and cute of him to say that. He’d said that a lot actually. Whenever Bucky put himself down, Steve corrected him. Told him when he was struggling with a split mind, that he wasn’t crazy, just different. Unique. Amelia had told him that his mind did things differently than others that was all. Wanda mentioning how he could create worlds inside his head she could travel to. That it was a gift not a curse. And Bucky just thought about how much those kind of words changed the impression he’d had of himself every time. He supposed that was point of all of them saying them. To remind him.

He’d also understood that Steve said that maybe because he was told that himself growing up. By Sarah, and by Bucky himself once or twice. It was one of the ways Steve had come to terms and accepted himself and his limitations then. Not that it stopped him from pushing his own norms either. Bucky had loved that stubborn little shit then and he loved him now.

But once again his words failed him, so all he could do was throw his arms around Steve’s neck and bury his face in his shoulder. Feeling that hand on his neck slide into his hair, holding his head so he could hide his face from the world for a little bit.

“It did hurt..” He whispered, his voice choked, against his shoulder. “It hurt all the damn time…” He climbed into Steve’s lap, his legs on either side of his. “It never stopped and I just..”

“I know Buck.” Steve said softly to him, holding him tight. “I know.”

It felt like he did. Like he understood that. Bucky supposed he did. He’d seen it, day in and day out for years. Had comforted him from nightmares and watched him struggle horribly. If anyone knew his pain it was pain. He knew the depths of it and the darkness in his heart. And he still loved him. Even after he’d been used in so many terrible ways and done such horrible things, Steve had still loved him in spite of it. He still couldn’t believe it sometimes.

So Bucky just buried his face into Steve’s shoulder more, clutching his back and let himself feel his pain. But instead of it hurting terribly, it felt good to just release some more of it. To let it fly into that sea breeze and be carried off. It felt like huge weight being lifted off him on that little hill. One more step in the right direction. Getting all those broken pieces back together again.

“Thanks punk.” He said after a while, nuzzling his shoulder and neck.

“For what?”

“You know what for.” He told him, he told him pulling back to look in his eyes. “Don’t be dense.”

He watched as Steve smoothed some of that hair away from his face again, leaving one hand on the back of his head. He was so strong yet so gentle and Bucky’s just fluttered shut at the feel of those fingers on his skin. Wiping away the pain so easily like he always did.

“Well I have it on good authority that I’m an idiot.” Steve teased, a smile on his on his face, lighting up those sky-blue eyes.

Bucky chuckled a little. “Don’t take it personally punk.” He corrected him, leaning his head back against Steve’s. “It was said with love.”

He let Steve kiss him softly, his loose strands of hair blowing around those large, gentle hands. And he could, always, feel the love in that kiss. Not a passionate kiss but just one that spoke volumes to him. Of love and support. It was held there for a long time just like that. And to Bucky it reminded him of that first kiss on the roof under the fireworks. It felt that perfect and pure.

He could feel that just fine. No problems there.

“Love you too jerk.” He was told as their lips parted. “Always remember that okay?”

He smiled and laid his head on Steve’s shoulder, feeling no urge to move for a while. “I will.” He promised, closing his eyes. “Cause that’s the one damn thing I’m sure of punk.”

They sat up there on that hill for a while like that, overlooking the ocean and cleansing breath on them both. Bucky took a big breath of that air and just exhaled, letting the heaviness leave his heart for now.

\--

Bucky had wanted some alone time, and Steve was perfectly fine to give it to him. Whatever he needed these days. And besides, it gave him a chance to put an order to a local bakery for tomorrow. It would, after all, be Bucky’s birthday and even though Bucky hated when he made a fuss over that, he was still gonna do it.

He had a few surprises for that too, and when he mentioned this again to Bucky, he got a typical roll of the eyes.

“You’re such a dork Rogers.” He’d said while laying on his chest the other day. “You know that right?”

“Why because I want to celebrate your birthday?” He’d asked, playing with his hair. “How does that make me a dork?”

“Because you actually think it’s important enough to celebrate.” He’d replied, lifting his eyes up to look at Steve. “I mean once you’re over a 100 it’s just another day.”

“I’m over 100.” Steve reminded him. “And you make a big deal out of mine.”

“True.” Bucky mused, nuzzling Steve’s chest. “But you always had a cool birthday.. mines just.. March..”

“It’s still a big deal for me Buck.”

Bucky looked up curiously. “Why?”

Steve rested his hand on Bucky’s face and smiled. “Because it’s one more year that you’re alive and in my life.” He told him, kissing his head. “That’s why I make a big deal out of it.”

“See that’s wat makes you a dork Rogers.” Bucky said sassily, rising up to kiss him with a smile on his lips. “For saying sappy shit like that.”

Looking back on that now Steve always thought it was sad that Bucky thought of his birthday that way. Although he understood why. It was a dubious anniversary for him. He’d gotten out of Hydra around that time 6 years ago. He and Steve had been fighting. Adversaries. And Bucky had nearly killed him then. And even when Steve reminded him that he’d broken free that day as well, Bucky still didn’t care for it. Only celebrated cause Steve wanted to.

But after this year and all that recent pain and trauma, he was going to make sure he enjoyed it. He was hell bent on it, no matter how much Bucky rolled his eyes over it.

Once he was done with this chore, he decided to go check on him, having a good idea where he was. In that room he’d designated as his painting room while he was here. Steve was glad he was painting again, that he’d found his muse again. It was helping him recover. Maybe helping them both.

When he got to the room he peeked in, not wanting to disturb him and was captivated by what he saw in there. Of what exactly Bucky was doing.

He was sitting on the floor with Arya and there seemed to be paper spread out all over the that said floor, covering it. And a canvas in the middle of it. He watched Bucky, dipping each of Arya’s little paws in the non-toxic paint, each paw a different color. And then set her down on the canvas where the little cat proceeded to walk around on it, twirling at the behest of her dark-haired Daddy, who was holding a treat of some sort. And then Bucky him dipped each of his own fingers individually into different color paints and proceeded to use those fingers to make hand prints and patterns with.

Steve shook his head at this new way of painting, fascinated by the concentration that Bucky was putting into it. And that Arya was scampering around and enjoying herself too. So he reached for his phone and started taking a short video of it, wanting to capture it. Maybe even draw it later.

“You know you can join us if you want punk.” Bucky said with a smile on his face as he looked up. “Instead of lurking in the hall and all.”

Steve smiled himself, putting his phone down in a way so he could film some more of this. “How long did you know I was there jerk?”

“I heard your steps on the stairs.” Bucky told him as he sat down. “You’re not as stealthy as you think.”

“So what are we doing?” He asked curiously, watching as Bucky sat on his knees, trailing his fingers over the canvas.

“Making a mural.” Bucky said matter of factly. “Go ahead.. pick a color.” He then held his hand up to show the myriad of colors on his fingers. “Or just go for the whole shebang.”

“Okay.” Steve said, watching Arya scamper over the canvas and even onto the paper as well, hence the reason it was there. “You do realize we’re gonna have to give her a bath after this ight?”

Bucky looked at Arya and smiled as well. “Yeah but it’ll be worth the scratches.” He replied as scampered around some more. “She is a little artiste isn’t she?”

“Just like her Daddy.” Steve agreed, leaning over to kiss him. “So adorable.”

Bucky put his hand on Steve’s shirt as he kissed him, leaving a smear of paint, but Steve didn’t really care about that. He had other shirts. This was a moment he was enjoying quite a bit. Because Bucky seemed happy and focused. And when he finally let go of those precious lips and looked down at the canvas he was surprised to see there was a pattern in it, if you looked hard enough.

Bucky was following Arya’s pawprints with his own fingermarks and handprints, creating what looked a kaleidoscope image that vaguely resembled a swirling sky with clouds and birds. He didn’t think it was completely on purpose, at least not by the cat, but Bucky had found a pattern to work with.

“Do you see this?” Steve asked, his arm still around Bucky’s waist. “I mean..”

“See what?” Bucky asked curiously. “A bunch of smears and pawprints?”

“No a pattern.” Steve told him, pointing it out to him. “It’s like a picture.. “ He looked at Bucky’s confused face. “Did you know you were doing that?”

He watched Bucky turn in his arms and look at it closer, seeing at first that same confusion, followed by comprehension and amazement. It was quite a beautiful sight to watch to be honest and Steve was again struck by him and the way he looked lighter almost. More ethereal than usual. It could’ve been the light coming in through the skylight at the right angle but then again looked like he’d crossed over in some way in that moment.

“You gotta be shitting me.” He said wonderingly. “I was just following her footprints.” He looked at Steve’s hands, which had paint on them too. “Add some flowers Rogers come on this is a family project.”

He took Steve’s hand excitedly when he didn’t react quick enough and put it down on the canvas, making abstract smears in blue and yellow, which looked strangely like some of the wildflowers up on the hill. The green smears looked like trees. And Arya’s little pawprints were other flowers and even in some cases, looked small birds. It was weird and surreal and just beautiful. Reminding him a little of a Van Gogh painting.

“It’s settled.” Steve said, adding some paint dabs and smears along with Bucky. “We’re taking this home and it’s going in the living room.”

“Seriously?” Bucky asked, half incredulous and half giddy. “Now I know you’re nuts.”

“You said it yourself jerk.” He said as he dabbed Bucky’s face with a smear of blue paint. “It’s a family project and I want everyone to see it.”

Bucky grabbed his face and smiled the most beautiful smile Steve had ever seen, and kissed him solidly again. His paint covered hands leaving it on Steve’s face. And Steve’s own hands went to Bucky’s hair, leaving paint in that too, while Arya scampered around, adding her own touch to the painting. They were all going to need a bath later it seemed.

But it was this, this moment when he could see the light at the end of it again. When he could see Bucky at his happiest, as far from the crushing depression and anxiety that had plagued him. Far from when he was the confused Winter Soldier or just laying scared ion a ventilator n that hospital bed. He was seeing him on the mend again. Maybe it would still be a rough road, probably always would be, but these were what was making it worth it for him more than anything.

“You got purple in your hair.” Bucky observed, chuckling as he pulled away. “Now you really are a punk.”

Steve brushed a strand of hair out of Bucky’s face, with had paint in it too. “Well your hair matches your eyes jerk.” He told him, nuzzling him under his ear. “And it looks great on you.”

He saw him smile that beautiful smile again, which was finally touching his eyes fully today, and take Steve’s hand in his flesh one. It was covered in paint, mixing with the paint on Steve’s, making a different shade. It was a purple mixing with blue making a violet shade. The fingers folded together and Steve realized Bucky had put his wedding ring on his dog tag chain to keep it from getting smeared, and the glint of silver and gold reflecting the lowering sun perfectly as it hung out of his shirt against his chest.

And then watched Bucky use both their hands, fingers interlocked, to create a pattern that looked like a multi-colored flying bird. Steve looked at it in awe and then back at Bucky with love and wonder in his eyes.

“Forever on canvas.” Bucky said quietly, flicking his eyes to it. “Just like forever in life right?”

“Yeah Buck.” He agreed, leaning his head against Bucky’s. “Just like that.”

They sat like that, while the cat wandered around, adding her own contributions, until she settled between Bucky’s legs, tuckered out. They kept those hands pressed to the canvas for a while just like that, enjoying a perfect, quiet, late-afternoon moment that Steve knew he was going to remember for a long time.

“So on the wall huh?” Bucky asked, laying his head against Steve’s shoulder. “Right in the living room.”

“Yup.” Steve answered, looking down at the creation on the floor. “Gonna get a big ole frame ad everything.” He kissed Bucky’s head, wrapping his other arm him. “That’s what you do with great pieces of art right?”

Bucky sighed, absently petting the cat. “Am I really good at this or are you just biased?”

He knew Bucky had his doubts about that sometimes. Was still getting his confidence back in many ways. And to be honest before all this he’d hadn’t been as artistic as Steve had been growing up. But the signs were there in how adventurous and creative he’d always been. The artistic talent hadn’t come from nowhere, just buried somewhere in his mind. It might’ve been pushed to the surface for therapeutic reasons, and was often based in emotions, especially pain., But it had bloomed into something new for him and Steve saw real talent behind it. A lot of people did actually.

These paintings were pure, raw expressions of Bucky’s inner self. Like most art, it was personal expression and he wanted encourage that.

“Yes you are.” Steve told him, looking over at the painting he’d done the other day. “Don’t sell yourself short Buck” He put is hand on his face to lift it to his. “Don’t ever doubt yourself okay?”

“They say your own worst critic.” Bucky replied with a heavy sigh, getting more comfortable against Steve’s shoulder. “And I’m worse at that than most.” He seemed to smile and close his eyes as he leaned against Steve’s shoulder. “Thank God I got you cheering me on punk.”

Steve nuzzled his hair, rubbing his arm as he did. “I’ll always be your biggest fan jerk.” He said into his hair, smelling the salt air in it still. “Because you were mine first.”

Remembering how he’d always had Bucky to push him and encourage him. Not to coddle or surgarcoat but to believe in him and accept him. Along with his mother that had been enough. Being loved like that gave you an enormous amount of courage and strength. And he wanted to pass that back to Bucky 

“Yeah my little punk did good.” Bucky said as he entwining their fingers together again. “I’m proud of him.”

Steve just smiled at that and held him like that, staring down at the beautiful mural on the floor. Their beautiful family project. Feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment in that peaceful moment.

\--

To say Arya didn’t want to take a bath was an under-statement. Anyone who had cats knew this was a chore. But Bucky was happy to do this chore. To do anything normal and domestic really. And like the painting, it was a family project.

The first thing was to catch her. She was a wily little thing just like her Daddy. But he eventually got her. “Sorry darlin’” He told the angry little cat, scooping her up in his arms. “We all gotta take baths, even you.”

Bucky was holding her while Steve cleaned her paws. It worked better that way because Bucky’s metal arm was impervious to her biting and scratching. Which was in no way malicious just out of fear of the water in general. Her growls were indications that she wasn’t happy about it, but tolerated for the moment.

“Almost done sweetie.” Steve told the growling cat. “Just a little more off this paw.”

Bucky smiled at this, thinking it was disgustingly adorable. Like giving a child a bath. And since this little furball was the closest thing they had to a child he really did feel like a parent. It made him fell normal and domestic. Raising his mood even more after the mural painting.

He’d felt so much better today. After their talk on the hill he felt even more unburdened than before. Lighter. Knowing he wasn’t, and never would be, completely free of that weight, every day it seemed he was sharing more. Opening the pathways of communication and allowing Steve to help him again. In that way they were helping each other as well.

“You better hurry up punk.” Bucky told Steve warningly. “She’s starting to kick now.” Arya’s back paws were scratching Bucky’s leg impatiently. “Easy there darlin’”

“Okay that’s the last paw.” Steve said in a cutesy voice and scratched the angry cats head. “I hope you’ll forgive me love.”

He sat back as Bucky let her go and Arya bolted from the from the bathroom, stopping outside the door to shake vigorously. Bucky thought it was adorable as hell. “That went better than usual.” Steve observed, drying his hands. “Although she kind of looked murderous at the end.”

“What can I say?” Bucky sassed, feeling playful again. “She takes after me.”

Steve narrowed his eyes, seeing Bucky’s hand was in the tub. “Yeah..” He mused and reached for the spray nozzle. “Don’t you even think about it jerk.. I’m wet enough as it is.”

“Then you won’t mind a little more punk.” Bucky shot back and tossed a handful of the soapy water at him. “You need a bath anyways Mr. Purple.”

Steve grinned and proceeded to spray Bucky with the nozzle. “You first.” He replied right before Bucky tossed another handful of water at him. “Now you’re really asking for it.”

“Oh yeah..” Bucky said challengingly, his eyes hooded. “Whatcha you gonna do about it punk.”

He knew exactly what Steve was going to do about it and he really hoped he would too. Steve sprayed him again and then picked him up to put him in the claw foot tub, which was still full of water. “You’re gonna get that baht Sergeant that’s what.”

“Maybe Captain.” Bucky teased as he was about to be put in the tub. “But you’re coming in with me.”

He got a hold of Steve’s shirt and pulled him in with him until there was this huge splash, and half the water in the tub ended up on the floor. They were both soaked and laughing, Bucky laying underneath Steve. He could barely see around him, but he didn’t care, just held onto his shirt and laughed hysterically.

“You okay?” Steve asked, with slight concern while still giggling like an idiot. “Didn’t hit your head did you?”

“Oh stop worryin’ punk I’m fine.” He answered breathlessly, fingers still gripping Steve’s shirt. “Never been better.”

He pulled him to him and kissed him like that, his body half in the water, one leg hanging over the side of tub. And realized for a while now that he hadn’t had a single dark thought. How could he? He felt good, happy. Almost deliriously so. He never wanted that to end.

Steve pulled him up to sit in the tub, pulling his lips away and smiling at him. “We got a hell of mess to clean up.” He said merrily. “I think half the waters on the floor now.”

“Yeah and the rest in is my jeans. “ Bucky told him, hearing the slosh of the water as he moved his leg. “Must be what a wet diaper feels like.”

“Well then I’ll just have to get them off you then.” Steve observed. “Can’t let my boo bear be uncomfortable can I?”

“Shirts kinda soaked too.” Bucky added, pulling on it a little. “Might have to take that off too.”

“Well then it all comes off.” Steve replied with a smirk. “Just gotta get you out of this tub though.”

Bucky looked up at him, the way he was smiling, was happy. Not the scared unsure way he’d before they’d gotten here. Before they’d started opening back up again. And searched himself as well to find that this happiness wasn’t fleeting in him either. The dark thoughts were not lurking around the edges today. Not after their talk earlier. It didn’t mean they wouldn’t be back to stalk them both in the night, but he could see life being more and more like this again. And came to a decision at that very moment, while sitting soaked in the tub. An important one.

“Steve?” He said in a quiet, serious tone as he was pulled up to a sitting position in the tub. “I need to talk to you about something.” He bit his lip. “Something important.”

Steve gave him a studious look. “Oh my God. You’re not pregnant are you?”

“Now you idiot.” He sassed back, splashing him with some more water. “I’m being serious.”

“Okay.” Steve answered, wiping the water off his face. “After we clean up and get dry..” He pput his hand on Bucky’s face. “You can tell me alright?”

“Sounds like a deal punk.” He told him, smiling and giving him a quick kiss as they started to climb out. “I call the art room.”

Steve pulled him to him as they were on their feet, both of them dripping wet still. “You would.” He said in a low voice. “That’s not even half the mess that’s in here.”

“Damn straight..” Bucky purred back. “My momma didn’t raise no fool.”

Steve just shook his head and kissed him right there, just like that, and Bucky was more than happy to give in on that at least for now. Forgetting all about being soaking wet for the moment.

\--

After they’d gotten into dry clothes, cleaned up both rooms, and had dinner, they settled in bed. Steve was busy peppering little kisses on Bucky’s stomach as he laid there, running his fingers through Steve’s hair. Which felt nice. Both their hair was still a little damp from their bathroom adventure, which Steve had thoroughly had fun with too. Arya had even rejoined them, being done sulking for now.

“So what did you want to tell me?” Steve asked curiously, tracing the muscles on Bucky’s abs with his fingers. “You said it was important.”

He was a little concerned about this. His joke earlier not withstanding. But he also knew it was probably a good thing whatever it was, with this new level of honesty they were having lately. He looked up at Bucky, whose flesh hand was petting the cat, and Steve was amused to still see paint on the fingers, just like there was still some paint in Arya’s fur as well. They hadn’t gotten all of it, but at least it was non-toxic. Bucky had insisted on it just in case.

“Yeah.” Bucky said with some hesitancy. “I um… made a decision about the you know.. trial?”

That got his attention more than anything and he slid up to lay next to Bucky, leaning on his elbow, but keeping a hand on hip for comforts sake. “You did?” He asked carefully. “What did you decide?”

“That I’m gonna testify.” Bucky said, looking up the ceiling, still petting Arya absently.

Steve was surprised, but not totally. He felt concern for what this might be like for him to sit up there and talk about all of those terrible things that were done to him and that he was forced to do. But at the same time felt a sense of pride as well, in how strong he was to make that decision at all. It didn’t stop him from wanting to verify just the same.

“That’s a big decision.” He mused, leaning over him a little more. “Are you sure about that?”

Bucky scrunched his face up a little as if thinking. “No but.. I think I have to.” He said, finally turning his troubled eyes to look at Steve. “I think it’s only way I’m ever gonna put it behind me. Behind us you know?” He swallowed hard as he collected himself. “Maybe it’s time I just.. put it all out there.”

“If that’s what you want to do.” Steve said softly, lifting his hand to put on Bucky’s face. “And I’ll be right there with you.. every step of the way.”

“I know punk.. Iknda counting on it.” Bucky said wit a hint of a smile. “As long as you’re ready for what you’re gonna hear there.”

He was thinking about that. Worried about the toll it would take on Bucky just to say it all out loud. And how much it would hurt to hear it The things he did know, the things he didn’t. But he couldn’t let Bucky see how worried he was about it. He had to be strong about it for his sake right now.

“I don’t care Buck.” He reassured him, looking into those teal blues. “Nothing I hear is gonna make me love you less you know that right?”

“Yeah I do.” Bucky said quietly, wrapping his arm around Steve’s. “It’s what getting me through this.”

He then lifted himself a little and kissed Steve softly. Almost hesitantly. Steve could feel the slight tremble in his body and knew he was feeling a bit scared of his decision. But at the same time all Steve could think of was how strong he was to decide to do this at all. How far he’d come from that skittish person he’d found in Romania all those years ago. He was scarred but he’d survived and Steve felt that swell of love and pride at this.

Pulling back held Bucky’s face in his hands and stared into those beautiful eyes again. “They’re gonna see just how strong you are Buck.” He said softly to him, one of his thumbs stroking his hair back. “They’ll see what I see every day.”

“I’m only strong because of you.” Bucky countered, biting his lip softly. “I wouldn’t be here without you.”

“No.. you were always strong.” Steve told him, leaning his head against his. “You just didn’t know it.”

And he kissed him this time, pressing him softly into the bed, wanting to show him, yet again just how much he loved him. How happy and proud he was. He could feel Bucky’s hands, especially the metal one, tugging on his shirt as he pulled him closer, clearly wanting the same thing. He pulled back and just started at him. Into those teal blue eyes, those precious lips parted, curving into a smile. He just couldn’t get over how beautiful he was sometimes. All the time actually.

“What’s the matter punk?” Bucky asked, those dark lashes hooding his eyes again. “You got that dumb look again.”

“Just admiring you that’s all.” Steve replied, his thumb sliding over Bucky’s exposed skin reverently. “It tends to.. occupy most of my thoughts.”

Smiling sassily, Bucky looped his fingers into the waistband of Steve’s pajamas. “Well how about you stop ogling me and lose the damn pants?” He suggested, tugging on them for emphasis. “I ain’t got all day Rogers.”

“Yeah yeah...” Steve said, shaking his head, and pulling Bucky’s shirt over his head, with careful consideration for his arm. “Such and impatient boo bear..”

“Shut the hell up punk.” Bucky said irritably and just pulled him back down to kiss him again. And Steve did just that.

\--

Bucky woke up the next morning feeling well-rested for once. His face buried in the pillow and a cat wrapped around his arm. Hearing the ocean waves on the shore, which along with the sounds of the tropical birds, made beautiful ambient noise.

And he could smell breakfast from downstairs. Eggs and sausage. And cinnamon. Steve was making cinnamon something.

It was his birthday after all. And for the first time in a while, he was actually looking forward to it.

It had felt like he’d lifted a lot off him the day before. Up on the hill. Last night in bed. He wanted to put those thoughts out of his head for now. To let Steve pamper him on his birthday, with him pretending to be annoyed by it.

And there were messages on his phone he saw. From Sam, Wanda, and Clint among others. He smiled as he read them, watched Wanda’s birthday video while Arya rubbed against his face cutely. This was what he was working so hard for, to have this, and it made his decision to testify that much frimer now. Even though he knew the experience would be painful, he had support from so many places now.

Putting the phone down he let Arya climb onto his chest and rub her little face against his. “Good morning little darlin’” He cooed to her, scratching her under her chin with his metal fingers.

She meowed happily, purring away as she sat there. And the smell of breakfast got stronger, filling his nose and making him voraciously hungry.

“We should go see what Daddy’s up to.” He told her, sitting up and cradling her into his arms. “I’m sure He’s got bacon for you..”

Arya answered that with a sweet purr and put her little paws on his shoulder as he carried her on his metal arm. He walked over to the dresser and put her down on top of it to walk back and forth as grabbed some fresh clothes. Was amused to see remnants of paint his fingers and in Arya’s fur as well, reminding him of their little project. Wondering if there was still some in his hair even after the impromptu bath.

Once he was dressed and cleaned up, he picked her back up again, letting her sit on his arm as he carried her down the stars. The smell of breakfast getting strong and making him hungry. But getting to the kitchen and seeing Steve in his t-shirt and jeans, with a hint of purple paint still in his hair made him pause, taking the gorgeous view for a moment. He was breathtaking as always. Even though to Bucky he’d always been beautiful. But now he was strong and healthy too.

And when he turned around and smiled, Bucky stomach did that stupid flutter it always did when he smiled at him like that. Feeling like that teenage boy again for a moment and boy was that a wonderful feeling.

“Was wondering when you two sleepyheads were gonna get up.” Steve said, wiping his hands with a towel before walking over to them. “You hungry?”

“Sure am.” Bucky said, hooding his eyes as he let Arya down onto the chair.” I sure am.”

He felt Steve slide his arms around him and that allowed Bucky to get a nice grip on that well-fitting shirt as he pulled into a delicious kiss. Steve’s hand digging into his loose hair, bunching it in his fingers as their lips parted, tongues dancing gently together. He loved the morning kisses the best.

“Happy birthday jerk.” Steve whispered against his lips as they started to slowly pull apart.

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky responded, feeling slightly dazed. “Thanks punk.”

Steve brushed some of Bucky’s hair back, their lips still very close. “You still got blue in your hair.”

“And you got purple in yours.” Bucky sassed back, letting his fingers play on his back. “So I guess we’re even huh?”

“How did you sleep?” Steve asked, his other hand rubbing Bucky’s achy right shoulder.

“Really good actually.” He told him, being totally honest. “Better than I have I in a while actually. You?”

“Pretty good.” Steve answered, nuzzling Bucky’s nose with his own. “I think.”

Bucky studied him, worried about his nightmares and how much sleep he was getting. Now that his own were starting to quiet a little, Steve was the one having problems with them. And Bucky knew Steve wasn’t likely to complain about them either, being more concerned with Bucky’s well-being than his own. He wouldn’t push it right now but would keep an eye on it just the same.

“Alright then..” Bucky replied, stepping back slightly and then sniffed the air. “Damn that smells good Stevie.. your ma’d be proud.”

Steve smiled that beautiful smile again. “Well nothings too good for my boo bear on his birthday.”

Bucky shook his head at that in mock irritation and sat down at the table. “Cut the corny and make with the eggs punk.”

Sitting down to breakfast, Bucky watched Steve feed Arya little bits of bacon. Inwardly the smell still bothered him, but he was working on that. It might get to a point where he could actually eat it someday he’d hoped, because he liked bacon. But for now, he didn’t want to ruin anything by scrunching his nose or god forbid getting sick. He didn’t want to worry Steve because today was as much for him as it was for Bucky. If spoiling him made Steve happy that was what mattered the most to Bucky.

“So whatcha got planned punk?” He asked after inhaling a cinnamon roll. “Or is it a surprise?”

Steve just grinned like Cheshire Cat. “You’ll see.”

“You’re such a fucking tease Rogers.” Bucky said, stuffing some eggs in his mouth now. “Just give me a hint.”

“Patience my pet.” Steve teased again, wiping a little cinnamon off Bucky’s face. “You’ll see soon enough.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, actually feeling very curious as to what Steve had planned today. He was definitely up to something that was for sure. Devious fucker. So he just busied himself inhaling his breakfast, including orange juice and coffee.

“Only thing I’ll say is.. little princess here has to stay home.” Steve continued. “That’s it.”

“So we’re going out?” Bucky asked with a raised eyebrow. “Intriguing…”

“You okay with that?” He was asked, and could see concern in Steve’s eyes. “About going out?”

He searched himself and decided that he was. It was time to venture beyond the property. More than time. Even though there was still that small part of him that worried they’d be seen and it would be reported, he knew it was long overdue that he took a chance like that.

“Yeah.” He said finally, giving Steve a grin. “I’m actually kinda looking forward to some exploring punk.”

“Good.” Steve said happily and got up to clear some dishes. “I’m glad.”

He was then hauled to his feet by Steve, who pulled him along without another word, until they were at the huge garage that was attached to the beach-house. Bucky hadn’t been in there yet and when he opened the door and saw what was in it his eyes grew wide and excited.

A pair of motorcycles, Harleys by the looks of it. Vintage looking, one with maroon trim and the other with dark blue. Sort of like their bikes at home but more customized. He shouldn’t have been surprised seeing as how they were most likely bought by Tony on a whim one day. He knew his machinery that was for sure.

“Thought we’d take a ride.” Steve suggested, leaning in the door as Bucky inspected the bikes avidly. “There’s a road that goes all the way around the island, right along the shore.” He smiled as Bucky looked back him. “Feel up for a little excursion Sergeant Barnes?”

“Oh hell yeah.” Bucky said instantly, pretty sure he looked like a kid at a candy store. Or Arya with a new toy. “I like the way you think punk.”

Steve tossed him a set of keys, which he was sure went to the red one. “Then let’s go.”

Bucky caught them deftly and climbed on the bike, starting it up and listening that engine roar to life beautifully. He felt giddy, excited to do this, not feeling that apprehension he’d felt about going out prior to this. He wanted to explore again, to feel the wind on his face like he did at home when they took the bikes out of the city into the country.

He watched Steve lock the door behind him and get on the other bike, and what a sight that was, watching that ass settle on the seat like that. The way he leaned over the handlebars and looked at Bucky the same way, like he was lunch and he was going to be consumed. He felt that shiver in him again knowing they’d be taking a pit stop somewhere that’s for damn sure.

“Which way punk?” Bucky asked as Steve’s bike roared to life.” East or West punk?”

“We’re on an island jerk.” Steve called over the engine. “It doesn’t matter.”

Bucky smiled as the garage door was opened. “Guess it doesn’t..” He told him, pulling the bike up beside Steve’s. “Just try to keep up Rogers.”

And with that they took off, blue streaking after red down the road, past the gate to the frontage road. For an adventure. One in which the pursued did not mind getting caught. In fact looked forward to it.

\--

As always, watching Bucky on that bike, was a vision to Steve. Those thighs straddling that thrumming engine, hair flying back from his face, pressing the shirt against his chest. Watching that joyous look in those beautiful eyes as he sped down the road was mesmerizing. He was just stunning.

The island’s frontage road ran right along the shoreline, the ocean constantly in view, as well s the green of the land around it. They streaked by several places, Bucky really putting the petal to the metal so to speak. And traffic today was light, which allowed them to stretch it out a bit. And since you weren’t required to wear helmets, they didn’t have them on so the full force of the sea breeze was in effect, but the air was so fresh neither seemed to care.

After an hour or so of straight riding Bucky finally seemed interested in pulling over in a scenic area. Which was funny to Steve that it was labeled that way considering the whole road was scenic. But this one seemed to hold particular interest. It was Shipwreck Beach after all. And from this vantage point could see at least one of those ships that had given it its name, just peeking out from under the water.

Steve watched as Bucky dismounted his bike elegantly, the way the jean-clad leg swung so effortlessly over the bike. And tantalizingly too. Yet another addition to the view he thought. And then he watched as the love of his life walked to the railing and leaned on it slightly, looking out of the water with his sunglasses pushing back over his wind-blown hair. Those just-right sized jeans fitting him perfectly per usual.

Unable to resist he walked over himself and wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist and nuzzled his neck. “You look so damn hot on that bike Sergeant.” He whispered in his ear. “Drives me fucking crazy.”

“Is that so Captain?” Bucky asked, and Steve could see a smile creeping over his face from the angle he was at. “Glad you enjoyed the show.”

Nuzzling him a little more, Steve then sat his chin on Bucky’s shoulder and looked out at what he was looking at. The remains of an unfortunate ship, slowing being overtaken by the ocean. He felt the flesh fingers entwined with his across Bucky’s stomach, with his metal one supporting him on the railing. Seeing that contemplative look on his face as if deep in thought.

“Something on your mind jerk?” He asked softly, holding him a little closer, not caring that Bucky’s hair was constantly in his face. He wouldn’t have it any other way. “Looks like deep thoughts to me.”

“I dunno I was just thinking there’s one ship that could’ve used a lighthouse is all.” Bucky said after a moment. “Had no direction.. got caught in a storm and couldn’t see the shore so it crashed into it.”

Steve kissed his shoulder as he listened to that. Thinking it was a strange yet interesting thought. Thinking maybe Bucky knew a little something about being lost like that. It was in his voice as he said it, in his eyes as he tracked the water moving over the wreck.

“That’s kinda beautiful.” Steve said into his ear again. “Maybe you should paint that.”

Bucky seemed to chuckle at that. “I’ve painted plenty of wrecks punk.” He said as he took a heavy breath. “I mean just look at my self-portraits.”

“You gotta stop talking about yourself like that jerk.” Steve told him, pressing his hand more into his stomach. “I hate when you do that.”

“I’m just being honest.” Bucky said in return, looking back a little over his shoulder. “I crashed into the shore several times before I found my way.” He then turned in Steve’s arms, leaning his back against the railing. “At least until I found my lighthouse.”

“Lighthouse?” Steve asked, his hands sliding around Bucky’s back, pressing him into the railing a little. “Is that so?”

He let his hands slide down over Bucky’s back onto his hips, looking in those eyes, the ones that matched the ocean behind them in color almost exactly. Felt both his metal hand and his flesh hand touch his face on either side. Saw the slight wince at the moment in those eyes, but it didn’t deter Bucky what he was doing in the slightest.

“Yeah.” Bucky said then, pulling Steve’s face closer. “It always brings me home.” His lips brushed against Steve’s softly. “No matter how lost I am.”

Steve smiled at that statement, getting the reference quickly right as Bucky pulled his lips to his and kissed him right there. He let his hands slide into the back pockets of Bucky’s jeans, fingers pressing into that perfect ass as he held him to him. Feeling him smile against his lips. It was a lustful, possessive move, as if to say this is mine to anyone who happened to be nearby, but it was also a loving one as well.

To show he could never be so lost that he couldn’t be found. He’d walk the world and move mountains for him, and he pretty much had. And Bucky knew it.

When their lips pulled apart, they kept their heads together, looking into each other’s eyes and smiling in that happy, contented way. He continued to hold Bucky tightly against him, wishing they were alone right now so he could pull those annoying jeans right off him. But he just settled gripping that perfect ass a little tighter through the fabric. They would have plenty of time later. Steve had some serious plans for his birthday that would involve minimal clothes. At least on Bucky’s part that was, he thought smiling inwardly.

“So where to next punk?” Bucky asked, metal hand playing in Steve’s hair as his own blew around his face. “I am getting kinda hungry.”

Steve raised his eyebrows and kissed Bucky’s nose causing his face to wrinkle cutely. “Well I guess I better feed my boo bear huh?” He then gave Bucky a knowing grin. “Cause he’s gonna need all his energy later.”

“Hmm.” Bucky said with a lift of his own eyebrows. “Intteresting.” He brushed his lips over Steve’s again, wiggling his ass against Steve’s hands teasingly. “Can I get another hint?”

“All I’m gonna say is you’ll like it.” Steve told him squeezing said ass playfully again. “So be patient jerk.”

Bucky frowned a little dramatically. “Like I said.. fucking tease.”

Steve didn’t answer just planted another kiss on those precious lips, going full on once again. Loving the way it always seem to scramble Bucky’s thoughts when he did that. He even pulled one hand out of his pocket and got a handful of that wind-blown hair as their tongues moved softly together. He could even hear a soft whine from Bucky as well, causing him to anticipate that hazy, complacent look when he finally let him go.

And it was there when he did. Steve always thought that was one of his cutest looks ever. He held onto his hair and just looked in his hazy eyes for a moment longer, savoring it

“You’re gonna have a great birthday jerk.” He told him sternly. “That’s all you need to know.”

Bucky nodded, making no effort to move at all. “Sure punk.” He breathed through those well-kissed lips. “Whatever you say.”

He meant what he said. It was going to be special. He was going to make sure of it. That Bucky would smile and laugh so much his face and sides would hurt. That he would continue to remember who he really was and not what those memories reminded him he’d been. That he and his life was worth celebrating. That was the goal.

“Now that that’s settled.” Steve told him, pulling him off the railing. “Lets get going on that and get you fed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok where to start :) 
> 
> I always like when I hear i'm doing things well, dealing with certain issues in a way that's respectful to those. It's one of the reasons why I take such care with the opening scene and Bucky's mini-nightmare about the chain. The feelings that go along with that, and the ways he tries to overcome it. His ability to talk to Steve about that is understandable because of that nature of that kind of abuse. And considering Steve's admission in the earlier chapter, Bucky has some reluctance to discuss that.
> 
> The hand thing was something i'd thought of before but never brought up, but it makes sense even in canon that Hydra wouldn't want Bucky identified in away, and the Winter Soldier often didn't wear a glove on his flesh hand, so it stands to reason they were would burn his prints off. Which is a painful process. The fact that he writes or shrugs it off shows how much of these dreadful processes were done to him. His admission about it to Steve could stand for a lot of terrible stories, and in a way a huge burden to lift. To admit he was in constant pain like that was a huge weight off his shoulders. 
> 
> The decision to testify is important in a way because regardless of outcomes, facing the ones that hurt you is usually cathartic. To go out in the open and put it out there can be empowering for victims. To just be heard can make all the difference. It's a testament to his strength as well, and that will be tested when he actually does it. But I wanted him to get that real closure he needs here. And it will be dealt with an upcoming chapter. 
> 
> And yes the bikes. Of course Tony has bikes there. It's Tony Stark after all. And our boys need to get out and explore anyways. Shipwreck Beach is a real place on Lanai and you can actually several wrecked ships there from what I know so it made a cool pit stop. And although I've taken some liberties with the island, most of accessable Hawaiian Islands have a road that goes around the island like that so it makes for a great ride :)
> 
> The mural was actually an idea put forth for one my longtime readers who suggested during a Twitter conversation and I loved it so much I incorporated it into this chapter. Seemed like a good place actually. I love the idea of Van Gogh like painting that was a family effort. And thought it was sweet moment. Although with the cat bath and little adventure that followed. I wanted this chapter to have a quiet, domestic feel to it and those scenes just gave it that for me. And I'm dedicating this chapter to that particular person because I miss her a lot and hope to hear from her again. 
> 
> And the shower scene was a suggestion. See I told you I'd get to it. And there is another request being fufilled in the next one too. You'll see ;) 
> 
> Anyways, next chapter, while currently untitled, with feature the res of Bucky's birthday yaaaaay. It's gonna be good I promise. I like extending this vacation a while because why not folks? Don't we all need a fun distraction these days. I know I do. So we can live vicariously through our boys right? ;) 
> 
> And once again thank you so much for all the reviews and suggestions, I eat em up folks :D And I hope you all are doing well and safe right now <3<3 and *hugs* to all of you.


	17. Celebration Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

For the first time in a long time, Bucky was really enjoying his birthday. Not just putting on a fake face for Steve’s sake, but really taking it in and appreciating it for what it was.

Another year he’d made it through. One more year away from them and with Steve.

It was such a profound realization to finally see it as a victory. As survival, rather than just a reminder of a dubious anniversary. He was remembering what it was like to have joy on this day. Hell even during the Depression, when things were rough and money was tight, he’d found a way to enjoy it. But somewhere in midst of all the subsequent pain and trauma he’d lost even that.

But now he was feeling that joy again.

Something about the way the wind blew through his hair as they rode their bikes around the island, exploring it. Turning and see Steve smiling at him, admiring him. The way they’d race each other and show off like when they were kids. He was feeling renewed, as if there was a whole new lease on things. This was what it was like on his very best days and it’s what always made the rough days easier to bear.

They’d found a local restaurant and were currently having lunch. The food was delicious, locally caught seafood cooked to perfection. The only thing he didn’t care for was the Poi and his face made that obvious, causing Steve to laugh at his scrunched up face and take a picture as he almost gagged on it.

“I’m warning you punk.” He said with a cross look. “You better not share that.” “

‘Too late.” Steve told him, chuckling. “It’s already in cyber-pace.”

“Oh is that how it is Rogers?” He told him in a warning voice. “Just know paybacks a bitch.”

Steve just grinned at him. “Looking forward to it Boo Bear.”

The waitress had just come over when he said that ,and Bucky kicked him under the table. “What did I say about using that in public punk?” He growled at him, playing ornery just for show. “Now you’re really gonna pay.”

The waitress was a pretty girl, and local by the looks of her, and she smiled as if thinking this exchange was cute. Bucky decided to play along and gave her his best smile as well and looked over the drink menu studiously.

“I think I’d like one of these.” He asked, pointing at a damn good-looking drink concoction. “If that’s alright?”

“Take it easy there..” Steve warned, giving him that look. “We do have to drive home you know?”

“Says the guy with the giant beer.” Bucky shot back, unable to help himself. “I’m a big boy I can handle my liquor.”

“The beer has less alcohol than that thing.” Steve reminded him, holding his mug. “But since it’s your birthday jerk I’ll humor you.” He then winked at him. “But just one okay.. we’ll have plenty to drink when we get back.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at that, wondering if this was part of his surprise. Steve had been annoyingly mum about that. And Bucky was actually curious about what he was planning. And he seemed to not be his normal worrying self in the sense of a copious amount of alcohol back at the house. Which led Bucky to believe he was just teasing him about the drink he’d just ordered.

“Hmm.” Bucky said in a musing tone as the waitress went to get his drink from the bar. “You planning on getting me drunk so you can take advantage of me?” And instead of kicking his foot, he rubbed his ankle playfully against Steve’s. “Cause you don’t need to get me drunk for that punk.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his leg under the table and saw a knowing grin on his face. “Are you saying you’re easy Sergeant Barnes?”

“Only for you Captain America.” He replied a low voice, hooding his eyes as he leaned over the table teasingly. “Only for you.”

The look he got and the way Steve rubbed his leg a little more under the table, made Bucky believe if they hadn’t been in a public he might’ve been in for it. That he was thinking about grabbing him by the hair and having his way with him right there on the table without heed for anything on it. It’s not like that hadn’t happened before at him. They’d broken at least one kitchen table that way.

Just the memory of escapades like that led to thoughts of being slammed down on this particular table and railed just like that. Which in turn made him heat up internally and he was grateful the waitress showed up with his cold drink at that moment. He downed about a third of it and saw Steve smiling at him over the mug with that knowing look in his eyes. _That sone of bitch._. he thought to himself. He was getting damn good at this game.

“How’s the drink?” Steve asked as he drank his beer, his other hand still rubbing Bucky’s leg maddeningly.

“Very refreshing.” Bucky answered, clearing his throat. “You’re such and incorrigible punk you know that?”

“What can I say?” Steve answered, finally removing that teasing hand. “You just bring out the worst in me.”

Bucky shook his head, trying to get his head out of that gutter but it wasn’t working. He just wanted to drag that punk outside and kiss him with more gusto than he was proper in here. Not he thought they cared but he still had some sense of decorum left in him. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to get him back for teasing him like this too. And he would. In due time.

It was, in fact, after they’d left the restaurant, with a few takeout items strapped to the bike that he did make that move himself. “Hey Steve!” He called out. “Come over here and take a look at this.”

“Look at what?”

“The view.” He called back. “Trust me it’s worth it.”

And when that punk came over, Bucky grabbed his hand, pulled him behind the dumpster fence and very quickly pushed him against, kissing him hard as he did. He pressed hard into him as their tongues tangled together, his hand gripping the waistband of Steve’s jeans even as he felt his hair being gripped hard. He was so turned on, moaning thickly deep into his throat.

There was strange, beautiful memory of all the times when they were younger and had to steal these moments in dark, hidden places. The illicitness of it. The fear of getting caught. It had always turned them on in spite of the very real danger of it. They weren’t in real danger now, but the feeling was the same. He felt like that teenager again, reckless and in love and it was so refreshing.

“Fucking teasing me in there.” He growled against Steve’s lips as he pulled slightly away. “You never learn punk.”

Steve gripped his hair harder, the other hand grabbing Bucky’s ass and squeezing it. “No I don’t.” Steve breathed back with a dark look in his eyes. “And I never will.”

Bucky smiled wickedly at that, his fingers playing on the button and zipper on Steve’s jeans. Feeling the urge to just stake his own claim right here and now. He could care less about the location, they’d done things like this in stranger places. And once again, the idea of getting caught was even more of a turn on. So he let his fingers start to undo those jeans a little.

“That’s what I love about you Stevie.” He purred as he made clear his intentions. “You got a taste for danger.” He stroked him slightly, looking into his eyes. “And speaking of taste.. I want some of this..”

“It’s your birthday darlin’.” Steve told him with that growl in his voice. “You can have.. anything you want..”

Bucky smiled at that and felt Steve’s hand griped his hair tighter as he slid down onto the grass behind that fence, feeling the coolness of it through his jeans as he did. He flicked his eyes up at this man, who was the love of his life and his savoir, thinking this was living too. That no one was ever going to take these choices away from him again. That Steve was the only one he ever would ever willing submit himself like this and it was so freeing in so many ways.

That hand in his hair, will tight and firm, didn’t feel threatening or painful. It felt safe. He felt perfect trust like he always did with him. So he wrapped his hands around his hips and took him into his mouth just like that. And it didn’t feel tawdry at all. It felt perfect, normal.

It was, as Steve said, his birthday after all.

“Oh I love.. the way you punish me.. sweetheart..” Steve breathed, pulling his hair hard as Bucky worked him harder. “Fuck..”

He loved doing this to him, for him. Had perfected the art a long time ago. At one point it had been difficult, traumatic but not anymore. He had long since freed him himself of that restraint. He worked his lips and tongue, pulling it out of him with gusto until he got what he wanted.

Flicking his eyes he loved the way Steve looked in that moment, driven delirious by it. Releasing him gently, he let Steve tug him to his feet and kiss him deeply again. Feeling those hands in his back pockets, holding him to him.

Pulling away after a moment, he redid Steve’s pants again and smiled at him knowingly. “Have you learned your lesson punk?”

Steve grinned back at him, squeezing his ass sweetly. “Never.”

“Good.” Bucky answered, slowly pulling away and sauntering back to where the bikes were parked. “Then we can go home now.”

He licked his lips again and revved the bike symbolically, loving the look Steve gave him as he did. And then climbed on his own. And then they were off again in a cloud of dust, one chasing the other again in their endless game. One they never got tired of. And Bucky hoped they never would.

\--

Steve remembered having to will himself to concentrate while riding back to the house. All he could think of was the feel of those luscious lips wrapped around him, tongue swirling around as he took him in. The way those teal blue eyes flicked up at him occasionally. Damn he was good at that. Always had been.

Thinking about it made the ride uncomfortable on occasion and he could see Bucky smiling that Cheshire Cat grin every so often as if he knew this.

There had been times, earlier on, when Steve had worried about pulling his hair too hard in that situation though. That it would remind him of his abuse, but Bucky continued to reassure that it didn’t. And his concern about it was getting less and less as time went on. It was becoming abundantly clear that Bucky had no problems with anything he did like that. And that had freed them as well.

Steve could see that freedom in Bucky’s eyes when he’d finished him off behind the dumpster fence. And he saw it now in the way he leaned over the handlebars of the bike, with his hair flying back from his face. Could see how much he’d healed over the years. That he was getting back that courage and adventurousness they’d stolen from him for so long. Every day, even if it was a bad one, showed him getting better in some way. And he couldn’t be more proud of him or love him more.

Watching him on that bike that day he was truly seeing him blossom yet again. It was incredible sight.

He was beautiful and his heart swelled as he watched him.

When they pulled into the garage and turned the bikes off, he watched the way he flung his windblown hair away from his flushed face and was mesmerized by it. And watched the jean clad thigh swing over the bike as he dismounted, t-shirt stuck to his chest, hiding nothing. He was a thing of beauty he thought yet again.

“See something you like punk?” Bucky asked as he sauntered over to him.

“No...” Steve answered, sliding an arm around his waist. “I see something I love.”

He kissed him right there, unable to help himself. Felt Bucky’s metal hand on the back of this neck, caressing it. Could still taste of myriad of things on his lips as they pressed together in the garage, in between the twin bikes.

Pulling away, both of them breathless, Steve laid his head against Bucky’s for a moment. “So we going inside?” Bucky asked after a moment, nuzzling Steve’s face with his. “I mean not that I’m complaining.”

Steve smiled and pulled back, taking his hand. “Alright jerk.” He said as he opened the door. “Let’s go.”

After they got settled in to some degree, Steve checked to make sure what he ordered had arrived and sure enough it had. A big old cake that he knew Bucky would love. Peanut butter and chocolate to be precise. His favorite. And a bottle of Moscato as well. All of this while Bucky was upstairs cleaning up and changing into something else. He needn’t have bothered. He wasn’t going to stay in those clothes too long.

Steve smiled to himself, thinking this was going to be a lot of fun that was for sure. For all involved.

He was still setting up the patio with all requisite items when Bucky came trotting back down the stairs, wearing the same t-shirt but had replaced the jeans with a pair of plaid pajama pants and those adorable bunny slippers. His hair was pulled back and he had a purring cat in his arms, and Steve thought he looked adorable just like that. So soft and precious. His eyes were looking peaceful and happy and Steve was glad of that more than anything.

“So punk?” He said, strolling up to him. “Where’s my surprise?”

“All in good time jerk.” Steve answered, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. “Gotta blow out the candles before you get the present remember?”

Bucky rolled his eyes cutely and looked around. “Where’s the damn cake then?”

“Get out on the deck and wait for it like a good boy.” Steve teased, giving him a little slap on the ass. “I’ll bring it to you.”

Bucky gave him a saucy smile in reaction to both the tone and the ass slap. “I dunno punk.” He mused, rubbing his ass thoughtfully. “I ain’t a good boy.. might need another one of those to you know.. get me going.”

Steve loved when he talked like that, seeing that playfulness in his eyes. He gave him another pat on the ass and pushed him along. “Go sit down and put your feet up gorgeous.” He told Bucky, giving a slight command in his voice. “I’ll be right out.”

“Just promise me you won’t sing.” Bucky teased, lifting up Arya. “She’s got sensitive ears okay?”

“Hilarious.” He shot back, shaking his head. “Now vamoose.”

“Aye Aye Captain.” Bucky said with a salute and sauntered out onto the patio with an exaggerated walk that Steve appreciate greatly.

He turned his attention to lighting the candle on the cake. Just needed one. They’d joked one time that they’d set the house on fire with the amount of candles they would need if they did it by actual age. So now they always used one.

And since the wine bottle was already out there, along with wine glasses, which he was sure Bucky saw when he got out there, all he had to carry was the cake. He gathered it up and brought it out to the deck as the sun was going down over the ocean.

Bucky was reclining in the lounger with Arya when he brough the cake out. The setting sun was behind them and Steve could see everything he loved most in the world lit up by the fading light. He stopped for a moment to appreciate it before putting the cake down on the table. And it definitely got Bucky’s attention, his eyes growing wide as he looked at it.

“Damn.” He said in appreciation. “I’m gonna destroy that thing in about 5 minutes.”

“Goota make a wish first jerk.” Steve reminded him, picking up the knife. “And blow out the candle.. “ He slapped his hand gently away from the frosting. “It’s tradition.”

Bucky rolled his eyes again. “You’re such a dork.”

“You don’t get any cake or anything until you do it.” Steve admonished, like he was talking to a child. “Be a good boo bear and make a wish.”

He saw Bucky look at him for a second and smile, right before blowing out the candle. “I skipped the wish part.” He confessed, looking up at Steve. “Cause I already got everything I want.”

Steve could see the truth in his eyes. He was happy. Truly happy. He didn’t see anything behind that happiness but contentment today. Knowing it didn’t mean that those things wouldn’t come back. They always would he knew, that was a fact of their lives they’d learned to live with. But the goal was to have more days like this. And that was happening more and more often. He put his hand on Bucky’s chin and just stared into those deep blue eyes.

“Me too. Buck” He said softly. “Me too.”

“Now give some damn cake punk.” Bucky asked impatiently. “And some of that wine too.”

Steve obliged him with both, not caring about him drinking at this moment. It was his birthday. He could have whatever he wanted today. He’d earned it. He watched, amused as Bucky stuffed a whole piece of his mouth, getting some of that chocolate and peanut butter all over his face and lips. It reminded him of the cake fight they’d had at their wedding. Not the first food fight they’d had and wouldn’t be their last.

He waited for him to drink some of the wine and then kissed him, tasting the chocolate and peanut butter, as well as the wine on his lips. “Happy birthday Buck.” He whispered against them, brushing that stray strand of hair away from his face. “I love you.”

“Thanks punk.” Bucky replied, nuzzling his face against his. “I love you too.”

Bucky made good on his promise to demolish the cake, which was delicious by the way. It tasted even better when interrupted by kisses as well. The wine certainly made them both feel looser and a little giddy as well. They might not have been able to get drunk off it, but the buzz they got was sometimes better, especially when they fed each other cake, rather messily, and giggling like idiots as they did. Arya watched this display from her perch on the patio railing with typical cat disdain. Humans were silly creatures to her.

“You always were a messy eater punk.” Bucky said between breathless giggles as he tried to feed Steve more cake. “Can’t take you anywhere.”

“That so?” Steve retorted, licking some peanut butter off Bucky’s chin. “You got more on you’r face than I do jerk.”

Bucky just hooded his eyes at him. “That’s cause your aim sucks too.”

That remark resulted in another little scrape and ended with another kiss, both of them having fun. And Steve knew if he didn’t stop kissing him right now, he’d never get to the best part of the evening. So he finally pulled back and smiled at him knowingly.

“What are you grinning about Rogers?” Bucky asked, about ready to grab another handle of cake.

“Well I have another surprise for you.” He told him, sitting back on the edge of the lounger they’d been playing around on. “If you want it I mean.”

“Well punk you’ve been teasing me with it all day.” Bucky retorted, sitting up himself. “So hell yeah I’m interested.”

“Alright then.” Steve said, getting to his feet and looking down at Bucky, who was staring up at him curiously. “But it does require a favor from you as well.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at that. “Is that so?” He asked with curiosity. “And what’s that?”

Steve leaned back over him, smiling wickedly. “Lose the clothes.” He said in that soft commanding voice, wrapping his hand around Bucky’s dog tags. “But keep these.” He then ran his other hand down Bucky’s arm slowly, touching the bracelets and then the ring. “And these.”

Bucky’s eyes gleamed at that, a slow saucy smile reaching his lips. “Any other requests Captain?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered, looking down at his feet. “Keep the slippers on.”

He watched Bucky bite his lip as Steve backed up to give him room. Wanting to watch him take them off right there on the deck. Who the hell was going to see anyways? Nearest neighbor was miles away. And he saw Bucky got that too, and very carefully, pulled his shirt over his head first. And then the pj’s as well, until he was perfectly unclothed. And then slipped the slippers back on his feet before laying back on the chair on full beautiful display, dog tags laying against his now tanned chest. Scars visible but beautiful to Steve’s wandering eyes. And those slippers they just capped it.

His ring glittered on his finger, reflecting the moonlight. He was perfect. And all his.

“So now what?” Bucky asked, crossing one slipper clad foot over the other provocatively.

“Now.” Steve said, leaning over him one more time to kiss him softly. “I have to get ready.” He tipped his chin with his finger and smiled. “That’s your surprise.”

Bucky bit his lip again and reached for his wine glass. “Can you… pour me some more wine to drink while I wait?” He asked, batting his eyes at him. “Pretty please?”

“Anything for you.” Steve replied, picking up the wine bottle without even looking at it, not able to tear his eyes away from the beautiful sight in front of him. “Here you go.”

He poured him some wine, topping off the glass and took a sharp intake of breath as Bucky put it to his lips. And he was once again reminded of those beautiful lips wrapped around him earlier and the exhilarating sensation of doing that so publicly. Knowing he was going put his lips on many parts of Bucky’s body himself very shortly and pay him back for that. But more importantly, make sure his birthday was a smashing success.

But he had to get changed first.

“I’ll be right back.” He said, letting his hand trail over Bucky’s hip teasingly. “Don’t go anywhere.”

Bucky smiled and raised the wine glass. “Hurry up punk.”

Trotting upstairs he pulled the items out of the closet that he’d snuck with him under Bucky’s nose. Not that he’d noticed much then. He’d hoped by the time his birthday had come around he’d be in a better mood and sure enough he was. So now it was time to celebrate for real.

It was going to be a great night.

\--

Bucky sat there, drinking the wine and not feeling cold at all. Was in fact warm with anticipation over what Steve had planned. The night air felt great on his body and unlike when he’d first come home, he didn’t have the body shame he’d had. At least not around Steve that was.

He’d shoed him his scars were beautiful, and Bucky had learned to accept that. Was slowly coming around to accepting all the part of himself. Even the parts that didn’t seem very pretty. Inside and out. Because Steve had.

He ran his hand over the new one on his stomach, the one that did look weirdly like a cross. A reminder not just of painfully necessary encounter and near death, but also that he’d survived it. That he was still here and celebrating another birthday. With Steve. He ran his fingers over it softly the way Steve always had and thought about that as he drank his wine.

Bucky was so lost in this thought he didn’t hear Steve at first but saw the movement. Looking up, he pretended to cross his arms indignantly. “Well it’s about time punk.” He said as the vision came in to focus. “I thought you got lost and-.”

But he was stopped by the vision in front of him. Steve was dressed head to toe in that beautifully fitting navy-blue stealth suit he wore at the compound while training. Bucky’s jaw dropped as his eyes climbed all over him, seeing how it enhanced every muscle and fitted Steve perfectly. He was just a vision to behold and Bucky was just floored.

“Well…” He said, getting up off the chair and walking slowly over. “Damn…”

“Glad you approve it.” Steve said, eying Bucky up and down too. “I like your suit too.”

He barely heard, had to get his hands on it and did, stepping right into Steve’s personal space and placing his hands on that star in the middle of his chest. “Oh I approve.” He breathed, trailing his fingers over the tight suit. “Boo bear likes it very much.”

Bucky felt Steve’s hands, with those rough gloves on, reach around his back and trail them down and over his naked ass and his eyes literally fluttered at the feel of that. But also at the feel of that tight fabric under his own fingers. The fact that Steve was fully dressed, and he himself was naked just added to the sensation. Oh this was going to be good that’s for sure.

“So Captain America?” Bucky asked, trailing his lips over Steve’s, feeling the chin strap rub against his own chin sweetly. “Are you here for my birthday party?”

“Yes I am Sergeant Barnes.” Steve said in a husky voice, those gloved hands pressing into Bucky’s ass even more sweetly and pulling him closer. “And it’s a private party.”

Bucky smiled and ran his fingers down to the belt area of the suit, which he knew allowed for certain things. He was fully planning on having Steve keep the damn suit on for that reason. He knew what he wanted. His body ached for it, his mind obsessed with the idea.

“My favorite kind.” He purred, his hand finding the said opening. “As long as you keep the suit on.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “The whole time?”

“Yeah..” Bucky said with in a low voice, his hand finding the belt for the lower half of the suit. “With just.. one exception of course.”

“Whatever you want birthday boy.” Steve replied, his gloved hand getting a handful of Bucky’s hairs. “Whatever you want..”

Smiling Bucky let his hands wander a little more over the suit as he brushed his lips teasingly over Steve’s, feeling the chin strap tickle his a little again. And if he had his way, it would tickle a lot more. He let his hands wander down and squeeze that ass, pulling it against him and was delighted to feel there was nothing on underneath it. And something else as well, causing him to run his tongue over Steve’s lips seductively and press into him further.

He definitely had another present under that suit as well. Once again, exclusively for him.

“Whatever I want huh?” Bucky purred, leaning back against the table provocatively and wrapping his slipper clad feet around Steve’s thighs. “Well maybe I want you to fuck me right here on this table.” He licked his lips as he stared up at him. “And keep the suit while you do Captain.”

Bucky felt one of those gloved hands grip his tighh and whine a little at the feeling of that. “If that’s what you want Sergeant..” He growled almost right against Bucky lips.. “Use your manners and ask me nicely.”

There was a hint of command in his voice that Bucky and the Soldier responded to in his head almost instantly. Some people might have thought it odd, after everything he’d been through, that he’d want anyone to talk to him like that. And in most cases it was true. But Steve was an exception. Had always been an exception. Even when he was younger and smaller, there was something about that voice, ordering him around that just turned him on and made him want to obey it. Even if he outwardly showed defiance, inside he was always ready to comply.

And Steve did outrank him. And his mama had taught him manners after all.

“Pretty please Captain?” He asked, batting his eyes cutely. “With sugar on top.” His tongue moved over Steve’s lips again teasingly. “Fuck me good.”

His hair was gripped harder and he was pulled into a deep kiss, one that made his knees go weak with its intensity. Bucky could once again feel that chin strap scrape his skin and that, along with Steve’s other gloved hand gripping his ass, caused him to moan thickly into it. He could barely breath but didn’t care, just scraped his fingers over the rubbery, yet soft material of the stealth suit.

“That’s a good boy.” Steve whispered against his lips. “Now turn around and you’ll get your birthday wish.”

Bucky did as he was told, tearing himself away from the kiss, leaning his metal arm onto the table for balance. He felt the leather from Steve’s gloves on his hips, and those lips on his neck and whined again softly. Almost impatiently. Even a few seconds was too long considering how keyed he was now. Steve’s hands roamed his body up and down, the chin strap brushing against the sensitive scar tissue on his shoulder and Bucky whined again, even more urgently than before, backing himself against Steve a little more.

“Oh you are so impatient sweetheart.” Steve whispered in his ear. “It’s so adorable.” He then bit him softly on the shoulder, causing Bucky to yelp slightly. “But I gotta warm you up first..”

He was already warmed up, but he knew Steve would just tease him further anyways. Drive him so fucking crazy he’d be scratching and biting like the cat. And to be honest he loved when it got like that. He loved the way Steve controlled and channeled it. How he stoked his internal fire and then let it rage like wildfire. He’d always been good at that too.

“Please.” He was practically begging, but with a growl in his voice as well. “Stop..fucking teasing me..”

“No.” Steve replied, leaning him forward a little more as if positioning him. “Because I know you like it..” Those lips and fingers ran maddeningly down his back now. “You act like you don’t.. but you do..”

Before Bucky could even pretend to argue with that, he felt those hands and lips on him, parting him sweetly and he forgot about protesting. He could feel the gloved fingers pressing into his ass and his lips and tongue feasting on him. And the thing that drove him over the edge was the feel of that chin-strap scraping against his inner thigh.

Nothing mattered after that registered. He just moaned loudly and gripped the table.

And it certainly didn’t take long for him to cum either. Almost record time.

As the shivers still ran through his body, he was vaguely aware of Steve releasing him before he felt the texture of the suit pressed into his back. God he feel the star right in the center of it and it blew his mind yet again. Those hands were on his hips again, lips in his ear, hot breath tickling it. He was so turned on, thinking again, when he still could, just how erotic it was that Steve was fully dressed in his suit, while Bucky himself was clad only those damn slippers. His eyes rolled in his head at the thought.

“You ready?” That commanding voice asked him, sending another shiver though him.

“Uh huh.” He breathed in return, getting a good grip on the table in spite of the far away twinge in his arm. “Give it to me Captain.” He pushed back against him, feeling him right there and keened a little. “Everything you got..”

He felt the lips on his neck, finding that tender spot and chewing on it again. “I won’t hold back if you don’t.” Steve said against his neck. “Let it loose.”

Bucky was pretty sure they were going to hear him on Maui the way he felt tonight. And before he even had another coherent thought, it was obliterated by the feeling of Steve pushing himself deep inside him. Of feeling the material of his suit against the back of his thighs as he did. He let out a loud moan of pleasure that echoed over the water. The first of many.

Steve didn’t hold back. Neither of them did. They were beyond that now.

“Fuck… Captain!” He cried out repeatedly, his voice getting hoarser as he went along. “More… yes…Captain..”

He was vaguely aware of his tags swinging and reflecting the light as they did. Of the fact that he could still smell his birthday cake. That he could hear the waves splashing against the shore.

Such beautiful ambiance that his mind registered as he was gloriously railed right there on the patio.

He came once. And then again because, well Steve kept going. He had great stamina and Bucky always matched that with intense, multiple orgasms. As the second one was about to come over him, Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky’s neck and pulled his back against his chest to finish him off. And once again he could feel that star pressing into his back, pretty sure he’d have a star shaped abrasion there when they were done. But he could care less.

“Come on.. sweetheart…” Steve breathed in Bucky’s ear between thrust. “Let it.. go…”

Steve kept his hand on his neck just like that, adding just a tiny bit of pressure. The other hand pressed into Bucky’s stomach as he pushed deeper and harder, pushing him to the edge and then over. And the cry he let out when that came he was certain they could hear all over the island. It was like a howl and it felt so good, causing his head to fall back, exhausted against Steve’s shoulder.

There were a few more sweet pumps against Bucky’s spent body and then he felt Steve still himself and let go as well, his lips clamped on Bucky’s neck, causing his eyes to flutter shut. He felt Steve’s hand then go to his forehead, feeling warm and soft, even through the glove, causing him to sigh deeply as the ripples still ran though them both.

“Fuck..” He gasped. It was all he could manage.

“Happy Birthday Buck.” Steve whispered to him again, turning his head with his hand. “I love you..”

Hearing those words as he sat there like that, their bodies still connected intimately, filled him with so much love at that moment. The way was holding him, the way he always held him after, no matter how soft or rough it was, was the icing on the cake for him. It wasn’t the fucking but this intimacy that had brough him back so many times. That had healed him. That feeling of love protection that he never felt more than in extremely vulnerable moments like these.

“I ..I love you too punk..” He breathed, turning slightly, to see his eyes. “Thanks.”

With that said, he pulled himself off him with a soft groan and threw his arms weakly around Steve’s neck to kiss him, trusting him like he always did, to hold him up when he couldn’t quite stand. Those strong arms wrapped around him, one of them sliding under his hair as they kissed sweetly right there. And was lifted into those arms too, wrapping his slipper clad feet around Steve’s waist, feeling drunk on him.

He was still kissing him when he pulled that helmet off his blonde idiot’s head, tossing it aside as he carried to the lounger and laid on it, pulling Steve down with him.

As they lay together, Steve caressed Bucky’s hip and ass with his still gloved hand. “So” He mused to Bucky in between kissing him. “Should I take this thing of yet?”

“Nah..” Bucky replied, running his hand over the fabric. “I ain’t done with it or you yet Captain.” He used the metal hand to softly stroke one of the few parts of him that wasn’t covered. “Not even close..”

“Well.” Steve groaned softly. “It is your birthday after all.”

He may have been a bit spent and a tad bit sore but he was also drunk on his husband right now. Drunk on the feeling of that suit scraping against his skin and wanted more of it. So he smiled and pushed Steve onto his back, climbing over him and straddling his hips as he brought him to life again.

“Damn straight punk.” He growled as he hovered over him. “It is my fucking birthday.” He let his fingers scrape over the star on Steve’s heaving chest. “And I want more.”

And with Steve’s hands coming to rest on his hips, he pushed himself down on him, taking him in and resuming yet again. Completely drunk on the feeling of it.

The moment was his. Life was his. And he grabbed right onto it without a damn care in the world. Nothing could touch him here. Nothing at all.

\--

Steve was mesmerized as always by watching him. The way he rode him just like that. Wearing nothing but those slippers. Dog tags bouncing against his beautiful chest. The rings and bracelets reflecting the moonlight.

The metal arm with the twisting scars on his shoulder, scraping over the material of his suit, white star showing clearly. The sign of fealty to his husband. Even the newer scars. Everything about his was beautiful. Perfect. And his.

His eyes rolled at the feel of those fuzzy slippers, rubbing against him even through the fabric of his suit.

Just remembering fucking him earlier too. That hazy, possessive control. The power dynamic. How turned on Bucky was just by that suit. The way he begged him for it and yelled himself hoarse with the pleasure. It spurred him now, making him push up harder into him even as Bucky pushed down, taking him perfectly like always had.

Reaching a hand up he grabbed a hold of his dog tags and pulled him down with them. Not hard but not gentle either and saw Bucky respond to that roughness with a darkening of the eyes. The angle changed and his throaty, hoarse moans increased. Steve used that grip on the chain to get his hand into that beautiful brown hair so he could kiss those swollen perfect lips again.

“You’re.. so beautiful..” He breathed him in between his upward thrusts. “My Bucky.. My Soldier… Mine…”

He could see the other in those eyes. Could see Soldier so beautifully realized as well. He had grown to love them both and the combo had just enhanced it. He watched those eyes shift between them and a perfect combination of them both and it was sending him over the edge.

“We are yours..” Bucky moaned back, in the throws of it now using that old vernacular the Soldier did. “Our Steve.”

It seemed like that did for both of them, and Steve took his hand off Bucky’s hair and gripped his hips, holding him to him as they both fell over that cliff together. He felt Bucky sort of collapse against him and wrapped him up in his arms just like that. Watching his eyes flutter shut sweetly as he seemed to drift to that place he went sometimes at the extreme end of his pleasure. And Steve was happy to let him doze.

In fact he pulled the blanket off the other chair to cover him, seeing as how, unlike Steve, he was completely naked. Wanting him to wake up in warmth. Once he was covered, those cute bunny slippers sticking out from underneath the blanket, Steve pulled him into his arms, resting Bucky’s head on one of his arms, brushing his hair softly with that hand curled around his head. The other hand running over his hip under the blanket.

Steve loved these moments. Watching him sleep with that soft, peaceful smile on his face. Withing he could keep him just like this forever.

But he did wonder where he went sometimes in his head. He knew Bucky had safe places he’d gone to when he needed them before, but this was a different situation. It was like he just passed out from pleasure and slept for a while and while it was adorable, it made him wonder what was going on in that beautiful mind sometimes.

He thought about asking, but usually forgot to do it when those gorgeous blue eyes opened and caught him yet again in their snare. 

And speaking of that, he was stirring now, after dozing for a good solid 20 minutes or so. He saw those eyes flutter open and a smile cross his lips as he looked, confused at the blanket covering him. He really did look adorable like that, with his hair a mess, face puffy with sleep.

“Hey there gorgeous.” Steve told him and kissed him softly. “Have a nice nap?”

“Mmmhmm.” Bucky murmured and nuzzled Steve’s chest. “I did.”

He decided to ask, just for the hell of it. “Where do you go?” He inquired, lifting his chin. “When that happens.” He saw a surprised look on Bucky’s face and added. “I mean if you want to tell me that is.”

Bucky seemed to think about for a second. He didn’t look hesitant he just had that look like he was trying to find the answer. Steve had gotten used to that look over the years when watching Bucky trying to recall certain memories. A byproduct of his memory loss that he still experienced sometimes. So he waited for him to come up with it.

“I dunno.” He seemed to answer honestly. “It’s like I’m floating on a cloud or something like that.” He scrunched his face up. “I know that sounds kinda stupid but it’s the only way I can describe it.” He smiled. “Its warm and soft like that though.”

“Doesn’t sound stupid to me jerk.” Steve told him, burying his face in his hair. “Sounds kinda nice actually.”

Bucky wrapped his arm Steve’s waist and snuggled al little more against him. “Before.. when I would go away it was different. I was trying to get away from.. them.” He said quietly as he traced the star on Steve’s chest. “This is a lot different.. I’m not being hurt it’s.. the opposite of it you know?”

Steve didn’t know that relieved him, thinking there was still a part of him that maybe thought when they went hard like that he was hurting him. Or reminding him in some way of what those others had done to him. Hearing Bucky say that the opposite was the case, it seemed to settle him a little. To ease that doubt that crept in sometimes.

“I guess it’s like I know I can go away like that and.. I’m safe.” Bucky continued, fingers still tracing the star and wings reverently. “And that was nothing like before.” He bit his lip and buried his face against Steve’s chest. “When I was just.. scared all the time.”

He didn’t know this made him feel really emotional, but it did. The idea that Bucky felt safe enough to sleep, even doze like that. To go away in his head with the knowledge that nothing would happen to him if he did. It said so much about the level of trust he had now. And the idea that he’d lost that for so long, that he lived in that much fear that he couldn’t even go to sleep and let his guard down like that. People didn’t realize how much trust it required just let yourself sleep next to someone after living like that.

It meant allowing yourself to vulnerable like this, something he couldn’t do for so long.

His heart had hurt about that for a long time, but also swelled with pride and relief that he felt that safe now. So he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, holding him tight, and pressing his lips to his head again.

“You’ll never have to feel like that again.” He whispered against his head. “I promise.”

“I know.” Bucky answered, curling a little closer and tucking his head under Steve’s chin. “You’ve always had my back punk.”

Steve smiled into his hair and patted his ass under the blanket. “Among other things.”

“Uh huh.” Bucky said with a playful smile, wiggling said ass against Steve’s hand. “That’s yours too..”

He let his hand wander a little more at that invitation and began massaging him softly in that spot. Which he was sure was little sore after all that. Steve could hear him almost purring in response, his lips nuzzling and even sucking a little on Steve’s neck in response. The marks when both ways with them in that sense. And Steve loved when Bucky did it too. The feel of those lips on any part of his body was one of his favorite sensations to be honest.

Earlier behind the restaurant for instance, he thought to himself, smiling inwardly as he took care of the love of his life under the blanket expertly as the Bucky nuzzled him and purred like a kitten.

“So you enjoying your birthday?”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky murmured. “Sure am.”

“Good.” Steve answered, tilting Bucky’s chin up to kiss him. “I’m glad.”

He kissed him softly, hand still rubbing him under the blanket, feeling Bucky’s leg wrap a little more around Steve’s to give him more access. He felt a slight tightness and remembered he was still wearing his suit and chuckled a little against Bucky’s lips.

“What’s so funny punk?” Bucky asked, pulling away a little.

“Nothing it’s just.. I’m still wearing my suit is all.” He informed him. “See?”

Bucky did a flick up and down with his eyes and gave a thoughtful look. “Oh yeah.” He observed, trailing his finger over the star again. “I suppose you can take it off.” He smiled wickedly. “It served its purpose.”

“I would but…” He rubbed his nose against Bucky’s. “You gotta let me go first jerk.”

Bucky continued to grin at and slowly removed his leg from Steve’s. “Of course punk..” He said slowly sliding his leg off Steve’s. “I would never interfere with you gettin’ naked after all.”

He watched as Bucky laid on his arm under the blanket, looking sexy as shit with his dark lashes hooding those blue eyes. And the knowledge he was naked under that blanket well, just added to the image as well. So he gave him the sexiest look he could muster and slowly pulled the top off and tossed it over the other chair as Bucky watched, amused.

“Damn Rogers” He mused, his eyes walking all over Steve’s chest. “You’re one sexy bitch.” He chuckled and leaned forward a little more. “Bow chick a wow wow.”

“Yeah yeah.” Steve replied, undoing his belt. “So I’ve heard.”

The air felt good on his skin as he finally took all off, he’d worked up quite a sweat obviously and now he felt refreshed again. He saw Bucky pat the chair and lift the blanket. “Now how about you get me more of that wine and get that ass of yours back in bed punk.” He suggested, hooding his eyes again. “Pretty please.” 

“As you wish boo bear.” Steve told him, seeing that precious look of mock irritation. “As you wish.”

He sauntered over to the wine bottle, making sure Bucky got a good damn view of him as he walked too.

“Like the view?” He asked over his shoulder as he bent to pick up the wine bottle and the glasses.

“Sure do..” Bucky called back with more mirth in his voice, giving him a salute. “God Bless America.”

Retrieving the items he brough them back to Bucky, who was now laying with the blanket strategically covering him in certain places. Looking like a damn work of art himself under the light of the moon. He poured the wine, slowly and then handed him the glass.

“Your wine sir.” He teased and sipped some of his own. “Is it to you’re liking?”

“A lot of things are to my liking Captain.” Bucky answered, doing that walk with his eyes again. “Damn.”

Watching his lips on the glass, remembering those same lips encircling him earlier that day, his hands buried in that brown hair as he went down on him almost right in the open. That look in his eyes, similar to one he had now. He wanted to fuck him again. Go for a third go-round and knew it was going to happen. Could feel his body reacting again to the thought. Could feel the heat in the air between them again. The eternal pull.

“How about a little more?” Bucky asked, finishing his glass and holding it out to Steve. “One more for the road..”

Knowing Bucky wasn’t just talking about the drink either.

“If you think you can handle it jerk.” He replied in a husky voice. “You can have as much as you want.”

Those teal blue eyes flicked up at him over the glass as he downed it rather quickly. The blanket slid off him a little more, revealing that bare thigh and hip much more clearly as he did. And Steve felt the twitch again at the sight of that.

“I can handle whatever you can give me punk.” Bucky replied, putting the glass down and licking his lips. “And then some.” The uncovered leg stretched out, the ears of the bunny on his slipper rubbing Steve’s calf maddeningly. “Now get back in here..”

He smiled at that innuendo and climbed in under the blanket, pulling him back into his arms, finding those lips with his own and continuing the celebration. Starting by chewing on that beautiful hip, feeling those metal fingers in his hair as he began to worship that body all over again.

The night was still young after all.

\--

Bucky still had a leg wrapped around Steve’s hip while the latter was taking a well-earned nap himself. He smiled as he watched him, with the loving protective eyes that he’d always done. It was an old habit that came about whenever Steve was sleeping and Bucky wasn’t. Which did happen quite a bit.

When they were younger and Steve wasn’t as healthy, Bucky would often stay awake, just to make sure he was breathing still. He’d lived in fear of the day when he would stop breathing and the hospital measure didn’t work. It was a very real possibility that he could die any day. So he’d stay up a lot, forgoing his own sleep to keep an eye on his precious punk.

Steve was healthy now, so that fear was gone. But the habit lingered just the same.

They’d had a third go-round in the lounger again, and Bucky admired the quality of the furniture for being able to hold up under that. Especially when they’d broken stuff at home. But Tony was a spare no expense guy he knew so he’d have to mention that. Without getting into specific details that way.

He’d remembered gripping the armrests and gritting his teeth, his thighs wrapped around Steve’s hips, the latter gripping him so hard he was sure he had marks on his hips from it. Recalled that he’d started losing feeling in his legs again, which in his mind was always a good sign. It was the feeling of being once again, well fucked by his gorgeous husband. And once again, letting the world know, even if his voice was hoarse and his throat was sore. The sounds of pleasure were carried out to sea just like the others.

Smiling to himself, thinking he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be able to walk right the next day. But he wasn’t planning on going anywhere tomorrow. And to be honest, he liked that feeling as well.

Loved the idea that his body was sore and marked with the evidence of their activities. It satisfied him to be claimed like that. And made him feel safe, protected and cherished. You couldn’t put a price on that feeling.

Bucky was not, and never would be, ashamed to admit that Steve Rogers own his ass. Literally and figuratively. He wore it with pride.

Right now he was thirsty though. And saw the wine bottle still had some wine in it. A nice big bottle. Once again, no expense spared there. And it was good shit too. He wanted more. Not to dull his senses but simply because he wanted it. He’d learned the difference. Understood his behavior better now , knowing when it was okay and when it wasn’t.

And today, and tonight was a special occasion, so why not?

Carefully, as to not wake Steve, he extracted himself and got up, trotting over in just in his slippers and poured some more into his glass. Turning, he saw Steve was still sleeping and decided to let him continue. His punk had done well tonight per usual and had earned the rest.

So taking the wine glass with him he went to the railing and hoisted himself up to sit on it. It wasn’t too high and was wide enough to balance on. And it gave him a nice view of the water. He bent one leg at the knee and let the other hang over the railing. Sitting there stark naked and not caring in the slightest. Feeling that pleasant soreness as he sat there and shifted, smiling contentedly as he looked out the water, which was, once again, beautifully reflecting not just the moonlight, but the stars as well.

You could see a lot more of them here that at home and it was stunning.

New York’s light pollution made only the brightest ones visible, but here you could see that thick strip of the Milky Way in the Northern sky and he stared at it, just amazed by the multitude of stars. Which had always made him feel smaller and insignificant in the great scheme of things. Sometimes it even put it all the stress into perspective.

_We are made of Stardust_. He’d heard that somewhere and thought it was a nice thought.

There was a part of him that really wanted to just stay here and never go back. To suspend everything just like this. Peaceful and perfect. Because to be honest he hadn’t felt this good in a while. He didn’t want that to end like he knew it would the minute he stepped back off the plane in NYC. Not that he didn’t miss home and his friends but..

All that shit was still there waiting for him he knew. It hadn’t gone away. Was just on hold.

Bucky shifted his shoulder slightly, feeling a residue pain in it. A reminder of what had happened and why they’d went here in the first place. He let his fingers touch that new scar as well, the cross-shaped one. Not wanting to recall or even think about that again. Like most of his worst memories. Wanting to stuff it back in that hurt locker in his head and just keep it locked in there. He knew it wasn’t healthy but he just didn’t want to think about it with this view in front of him. With his body still feeling the effects of being pleasured so beautifully.

But now it was in the back of his mind. Lurking there like a troll under a bridge, waiting for him to let his guard down.

And there was the matter of the trial as well. Of sitting up there and telling everyone the horrors that had been inflicted upon him. To shed light on dark places, some he’d spoken of and others he’d just kept to himself. Even though he was sure of his decision the idea of revealing it out in the open still terrified him to be honest.

So he lifted the wine glass, brushing away some hair that blown in his face first, and tipped the glass to drink it. Leaning back a little as he did, feeling the light sea breeze on his bare skin as he did.

“My goodness.” He heard Steve say suddenly and turned his head to see him rising off the chair. “What a sight to wake up to.”

Bucky pulled the wine glass away from his lips and took an appreciative look at Steve as he got up and began to walk over. “Did you have a nice nap Captain?”

“I sure did.” He answered as he sauntered over to where Bucky was reclining. “Although I’m starting to wonder if I’m still dreaming Sergeant Branes.” As he got close, Bucky turned on his behind and sat with both legs hanging to allow him to step between them. “I mean just look at you.”

The way his eyes just wandered over him, and the tone of his voice made Bucky feel strangely bashful, very aware of his nakedness in a way he hadn’t been before. But it was also exhilarating as well. It had been a long time before he’d accepted himself again. Before he saw himself as something other than broken, ugly and scarred. Steve had made him feel whole and beautiful again in so many ways and that feeling was wonderful. So much better than the self-loathing he’d felt for so damn long.

“Yeah you’re pretty lucky punk.” Bucky teased with that old confidence that he’d finally found again. “They don’t make em like me anymore.”

Steve leaned on the railing, his hands on either side of Bucky’s hips and smiled. “Damn straight.” He agreed, letting his eyes trail him up down again. “It’s hard to find someone who looks this fucking sexy in bunny slippers after all.”

Bucky realized he was still wearing them, their fluffy little ears wiggling every time he moved his foot. He’d worn them the whole time. Through three rounds of sex to be precise. He knew Steve loved them on him too. For some reason he’d gotten a fetish for this and it had become a private kink.

So he slid one of them against Steve’s leg, up past the knee and wrapped it around his leg to pull him closer to him. “Is that so?” He asked as Steve stepped closer to him. “You like my slippers.”

“Not so much the slippers.” Steve added, his hands moving to Bucky’s hips and sliding him a little closer. “I like the hot brunette that’s wearing them more.”

Bucky just grinned and wrapped the other leg around him too. Picking up the wine glass he finished what was left in and set it down before wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck, brushing his lips over his teasingly. He was just so drunk on him tonight. On his kiss and touch. Everything. Not that he wasn’t usually but he felt it even more uncontrollable today.

He then felt one of those hands move to the small of his back and pull him against that strong chest, the other sliding up his back to his neck, and then into his hair, fisting it softly. His lips were taken in a kiss then and he sighed into it, crossing his ankles around Steve’s back. Any of his earlier thoughts were fading now in yet another perfect moment.

“So?” Steve asked when they finally parted. “What were you in such deep thought about earlier?”

He didn’t want to get into it, but he wasn’t going to lie either. Biting his lip, he leaned his head against Steve’s. “I wasn’t thinking that I don’t.. want this to end..” He confessed, his fingers playing on the back of Steve’s neck. “I feel really good and I’m.. little afraid I guess.”

Steve’s fingers seemed to stroke his hair soothingly. “Of what?”

“Of all that shit that’s waiting for me back home.” He told him, keeping his eyes closed. “It didn’t just go away cause I did.. there’s still.. things.. to deal with you know?”

“I know Buck.” Steve reassured him, the hand on his back running slow circles. “But you don’t have to deal with them now okay?”

“But I will have to Steve.” Bucky replied, taking a deep breath. “And it’s gonna suck just sayin’”

Steve nuzzled his face against his, holding him closer. “I know it does.. but we will get through it.” He said as their lips together again. “I promise.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, hugging him tight just like that. Feeling emotional all of a sudden and just wanting to be held like that. He felt Steve’s arm tight around his back and the one his hair, stroking it again and let himself be vulnerable once again, shaking out his fear of what was coming when they got back. When he’d have to face it all again. All that trauma resurfacing and upending him all over again.

The memories of that man. Of being hurt. Of a tube down his throat in a hospital. Of the depression and darkness it had all brought back to the front of his mind to torture him yet again.

He knew was healing but parts of him were still very broken and he feared they always would be.

“You know I love the shit out of you punk.” He whispered into his shoulder. “Just sayin’”

He felt Steve nuzzle the side of his softly. “Love you too jerk.”

The sea breeze had kicked up a little and he remembered again just how naked he was, causing him to shiver slightly. Not that he was cold or anything just the remaining sweat on his body making him feel that way. And the memories of course. There was that. Steve seemed to notice this little tremor and took it as a cue to lift him off the railing and more into his arms. Bucky was, always, still amazed by his ability to carry him so effortlessly like that. How strong he was now. It made him less heavy as a result. And always, a little turned on by it too. 

Although if he was being honest, it was more than a little.

“Should get you back under that blanket.” Steve informed him as he carried him. “Gotta keep you warm after all.”

Bucky smiled and nuzzled Steve’s neck, wiggling his ass against Steve’s hands. “I dunno punk.” He teased, nipping his neck softly. “I feel pretty warm already.”

Steve chuckled and gave him a little squeeze before grabbing the blanket with his other hand, Bucky hanging onto him like a barnacle as he did. In fact, his fingers dug in as Steve tried to put him down, his legs squeezing tighter around him.

“You know I kinda need both my hands for this.” Steve told him, sounding irritated and amused. “So you’re gonna have let me go.”

“No dice Rogers.” Bucky informed him, sucking on his neck. “I ain’t lettin’ go.” He smiled and bit him again playfully. “You’re gonna have to improvise.”

He was now having fun, way too much fun. It was remarkable how he could go from one extreme to another but he supposed it was just how he coped. And there was nothing wrong with that honestly.

Sometimes it was gift to be able to compartmentalize like he did. It kept him sane in many ways.

Steve sighed and gave up trying to put Bucky down first and simply climbed back onto the chair carrying Bucky like a reverse backpack, and was finally able to free an arm as he pulled the blanket over them both, encasing them in a warm cocoon and Bucky smiled, victorious on this one.

“You’re a pain in the ass you know that?” Steve told him, nuzzling their noses together.

“Takes one to know one punk.” Bucky retorted, his thighs still hugging Steve’s hips tightly. “Besides you used to do that me remember?”

Steve used to climb on him all the time when he was smaller. Would clamp on him like a manacle and refuse to let go. Sometimes it was irritating, and other times it was adorable. And on many occasions, it was hot as fuck. Especially when his more dominant personality showed up in spite of his size and he he’d star ordering Bucky around. Those were fun nights if he remembered correctly.

“So that was revenge huh?” Steve asked, tickling Bucky’s ass with his fingers causing him to wriggle. “I see how it is.”

Bucky nipped his neck again in response. “Sure is.” He purred against his skin. “Paybacks a bitch ain’t it?”

This led to more delicious tickling and grabass under the blanket until they were inevitably making out again, sucking each other’s tongues and other pleasant things. Like Steve finding those sore places and rubbing them until he was purring and nuzzling his like a contented cat. He even kneaded Steve’s neck with his metal fingers, his eyes fluttering shut.

His earlier doubts left his head and all that was left was a peaceful feeling he desperately wanted to keep.

\--

Bucky was curled up on his chest, his eyes closed, and Steve could not, for the life of him tell if he was asleep or not. Some of his dark hair was hanging in his face and the ends were tickling Steve’s chest. His metal arm was tucked underneath, the flesh one on Steve’s waist, fingers flexing occasionally.

Whether he was sleeping or not he was at peace. A contented smile on his face and that was enough.

Steve’s hand, under the covers, was doing soft circles over Bucky’s waist and hip, feeling the warmth of his skin under his fingers. He just wanted to keep touching him. He couldn’t stop. Lifting his other hand he gently tucked that errant strand of brown hair behind Bucky’s ear and watched as those teal blue eyes opened and smile came across those well-kissed lips.

“So you are awake.” He observed, nuzzling his forehead. “I couldn’t tell.”

“I’m tricky like that punk.” Bucky answered, resting his chin on Steve’s chest. “Gotta keep you on your toes.”

“Well you certainly do that jerk.” Steve told him, holding him a little closer. “So do you want to go in yet?”

Bucky kind of frowned at that. “Do we have to?”

“Well we don’t have to.” Steve answered, thinking that look was adorable. “Just saying the bed’s a little bigger.”

Bucky slid onto him, putting his weight a little more fully on Steve and bent his body slightly to lean his head against Steve’s. “Well I’m pretty comfortable here Stevie.” He told him, his face barely and inch away. “And since it’s my birthday for a few more hours..”

He loved when he called him Stevie like that. Not in anger but in that playful way. With that look in his eyes. The one that said there was no further argument here. And he knew there wasn’t. He wrapped his hand around the back of his head and gave him a kiss, pulling his body down against him again.

“Sure.” He whispered against his lips. “What boo bear wants.. boo bear gets.”

Bucky nuzzled his face, smiling at that. “Boo bear is pleased.”

Turning him on his back Steve kissed him again, with more oomph this time. Until they were both breathless and then stared at down at him almost reverently. His eyes were glazed, and his lips swollen he was goddamn beautiful. Remembering the way he’d looked when he’d woken up from his nap and seen him sitting naked on the railing, with that wine glass in his hand. An image saved to memory. And his phone, since he’d secretly taken a picture as well. One that was strictly for his viewing pleasure.

And he thought about after as well. When he looked troubled. When he’d hugged him tight like that. Could sense the fear in him. The worry. 

“It’s gonna be okay Buck.” He said suddenly, needing to say it again. “It is.”

Bucky seemed to smile at that and put his hand on Steve’s face in response. “When you say that, actually believe it.” He told him leaned his head against Steve’s again. “I feel it.”

He was touched by that sentiment, was hit hard every time Bucky said something like that. Every time he credited Steve with helping him in some way. Even though he felt he could’ve done a lot more. Thinking about all the times he’d been hurt so badly, and he wasn’t there to stop it. But knew all he could do was give him hope and the strength to keep moving forward now.

And give him days like this. Ones that made the bad stuff worth fighting through. 

“Thanks for today punk.” Bucky said softly, pulling him out of his thoughts. “It helped..” His eyes flicked over to the suit hanging on the chair and he smiled brightly. “That was especially nice touch I might add.”

He remembered earlir, the way Bucky’s eyes had lit up at the sight of it. The way he’d just become complete putty in Steve’s hands. How great it was to finally be able to put the doubts aside and give free reign to his dominant tendencies without fear that he would hurt him. That Bucky trusted him completely. That he could finally let go of those disgusting words by that piece of shit and make love to his husband the way he wanted to.

Remembering the sounds he’d made. The way he’d begged him to go harder. Calling him Captain. It had been so.. ridiculously erotic he was heating up just thinking about it. And he could see by the look in Bucky’s he was thinking of that too.

“Glad you enjoyed your present Sergeant.” He said in a low voice, letting his hand slide over that body. “We aim to please.”

Bucky responded by wrapping his leg around Steve’s thigh. “Oh I was pleased Captain.” He purred to him. “Very pleased.”

He pulled Steve’s lips to his and kissed him hungrily again. They were just so drunk on each other right now and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. They were on vacation. Far away from the world and its troubles and could do whatever they wanted. They’d earned that right.

But he needed to check something first before proceeding.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, massaging his hip so he got the meaning. “I mean..”

He saw Bucky’s eye’s glint a little in understanding of the question. “You’re so cute to check on me punk.” He replied, holding his face in his hands. “But to quote a somewhat unwise man...” He grinded softly against Steve as he spoke. “I could do this all day..”

Hearing his own words thrown back at him like that just sealed the deal. He gave Bucky a dark look and grabbed his hips aggressively. “Careful what you ask for jerk.” He growled, scraping his lips over Bucky’s. “Or you might just get it.”

“Promises promise.” Bucky breathed back, his eyes gleaming now. Daring him.

The challenge was accepted.

And it wasn’t long before Bucky was howling his pleasure to the world again, yelling himself hoarse and scratching the shit out of Steve’s back. Which felt beautiful. And just made him go harder, even more mercilessly than before. Growling primally as he plowed into Bucky’s body, love and pleasure mixed together in a heady brew.

They were both going to be very sore the next day but neither of them cared to be honest. They were lost in yet again.

\--

Waking up the next morning he was, well, very sore. In fact he felt a bit hungover. Not from the booze mind you but a different kind of hangover. One he could feel all over his body and was not anywhere near as unpleasant.

In fact, they’d fallen asleep immediately after the last round, tangled up in each other. And when he’d woken up he was disorientated, forgetting for a moment they’d slept on the deck. In the chez lounger to be precise.

Steve had already gotten up, probably to make breakfast. He could smell something and smiled, before curling up under the blanket again. He could feel the lovely aches all over his body. His hand rubbing his neck and finding some new, sweet marks. And when he rubbed his legs together, oh dear God the memories came back and he found himself involuntarily moaning in response to them.

Damn that had been a hell of a good night.

If he looked up, he could actually see the architect of all that in the kitchen, with the cat sitting on his shoulder, feeding her bacon. Wearing a white tank and a pair of sweatpants. All Bucky could think of was him in that suit, fucking him on the table. The feel of that chin strap scraping against his thigh as he pleasured him. He felt the urge to just spring from the lounger and climb that fine specimen all over again. Thinking this was what addicts felt like when they were really jonesing for a fix.

Desperately wanting a little hair of the dog that bit him.

He had even left some clothes for Bucky as well. A t-shirt and some shorts. He grabbed them off the chair and began pulling them on. Pulling some clothes onto his naked body right out there in the sun drenched deck.

And then hobbled as best he could inside to get his hands on that punk again.

The smell of breakfast hit him, and he was ravenous as well.

He watched Arya scamper off Steve’s shoulder and then wind between his own legs, looking up at him with her beautiful eyes, and the she ran off to parts unknown. He shook his head for a moment and then just grabbed Steve possessively from behind, nipping his neck as he did.

“I see you’re awake.” Steve said over his shoulder. “Good morning gorgeous.”

Bucky did a weird little half purr half growl and dug his hands into Steve’s chest from behind. He didn’t know what had gotten into him, but it was a strong feeling of love and possessiveness. It said _Mine.. _and the way it pulsed through his body was almost pleasurable.

“You think you can sneak off after what you did to me last night punk?” He growled, nipping his shoulder again, a little harder this time. “And then buy me off with breakfast.”

“Well.” Steve answered, and Bucky could see a smug smile on his face even from that angel. “I figured you’d be hungry.”

Bucky dug his fingers in a little harder and bit down a little more in response. “I am.” He said with that same growl, pulling his lips away a little. “I’m fucking starving..”

Steve put down the spatula and turned in his arms, grabbing a hold of Bucky’s hair tightly. Just the look in his eyes was enough to tame that fire inside. He heard that strange keen coming out of his mouth again, hands flexing on Steve’s shirt.

“Ssssh..” Steve told him, tilting his head back to kiss him. “Be patient jerk.”

“I can’t..” He said, gripping his shirt tighter, afraid he was going to rip it. “I just feel...”

_Out of control.._ was what the rest of that sentence. But then he was kissed fiercely again, cutting off any more words for now. He melted yet again, feeling the intensity of that love flowing through him his thrumming body. Feeling once again, safe and protected. Like nothing could touch him here. And nothing could. It calmed him, easing that burn again. The one that always confused him when it started raging inside.

Another strange aspect of his mind he was starting to explore. Wondering if it was just a growing addiction to good feeling in general. A need to seize everything in the moment. Impatience.

But Steve knew how handle that. How to calm it down. And Bucky was so grateful for that.

He was let go after nearly a full minute and he felt scrambled. But calmer. “I was actually.. umm thinking that.. breakfast sounds good.” He stammered, still holding onto Steve’s shirt as if to steady himself.

“Then come on.” Steve said in a gentler voice grip loosening slightly in his hair now. “Let’s get you fed.”

With Steve’s arm still looped around his waist, Bucky allowed himself to be led to the table. And had a marvelous breakfast. And the whole time just looked at Steve with what he knew was the sappiest look of love ever.

But he didn’t care. He was happy. Deliriously so. And was content to stay like that.

\--

After breakfast they’d spent the rest of the morning just laying on the couch, watching the waves through the window. Bucky was laying with his head on Steve’s shoulder, legs curled up on the couch with the cat in his lap, his hair tied back away from his face.

He looked refreshed and aired out. Almost ethereal to Steve.

He knew he was going to keep him here for a few more weeks. To let him heal more physically and mentally. To walk the beach and paint to his hearts content.

And for them to keep exploring their relationship even further. In all kinds of ways.

Knowing full well that all the problems back home were still there. The War Crimes trial and Bucky’s testimony in it and all the fallout from that as well. Knowing it would be painful. Open up some of those old wounds again. But the healing he was doing here would help him through that as well.

He saw Bucky look up at him and pushed a strand of hair out of his face. “How to feel now?” He asked softly to him, kissing his head and resting his chin on top of it.

“Good” Bucky replied, smiling and cuddling against him. “Really good actually.” his eyes watching the water as he absently petted the cat. “If feel.. clearer if that makes sense.”

“That’s good.” He told him, rubbing his arm. “So what was that about earlier?”

Bucky shifted slightly and laid more against him, causing Steve to rest his chin on his head. Remembering Bucky had seemed almost manic the way he grabbed onto him, he could still feel the bite on his shoulder a little. He looked down at him, unable to read his expression from that angel though.

“I don’t know.” He replied after a minute, letting his flesh hand entwine with Steve’s. “Sometimes I feel a little crazy. A little impatient.” He squeezed that hand a little tighter. “Its like a burn under my skin and sometimes it’s a little scary.”

He’d seen this happen with him sometimes. Like when he was quitting smoking, or stressed. Or he’d just randomly get impatient with things. He wondered if it was another aspect of the anxiety he had. But like most other things about him, Steve had accepted this strange quirk as well. Had learned how to temper it somewhat. There was something about his hand in his hair that calmed him.

“Feel better now?” He asked Bucky, who seemed to be staring out at the ocean.

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, looking up at him for a moment. “Because of you.”

Steve decided to play dumb about this for a moment. “What did I do?”

“What didn’t you do?” Bucky teased back, nuzzling his nose against Steve’s chin. “You’re the one that keeps me under control punk that’s what you do.” He smiled up him upside like that. “Trust me.. I need that sometimes.”

“Bucky you don’t need to be controlled.” Steve corrected him, not liking the insinuation there. “That’s not what I’m here for.”

Bucky scoffed a little at this, his metal hand still petting Arya. “I’m just saying I can be a real pain in the ass that’s all.” He said and squeezed his hand again. “And you know how to handle that. That’s what I meant.”

“That’s because I love you jerk.” Steve said softly, resting his chin back on top of Bucky’s head. “I’d do anything to make you feel better.”

He felt Bucky turn slightly and curl into his arms a little more. “I know.” He replied in an even quitter voice. “That’s why I love you so much.”

They slid down, laying side by side on the couch facing the huge window. The one that overlooked the ocean. Holding Bucky from behind he saw the cat curl up in front of Bucky and smiled. Thinking he could spend all day like this and it wouldn’t feel wasted at all.

“We can stay for a while right?” Bucky asked after several minutes. “Cause I really like it here.”

“We sure can.” Steve reassured him, burying his face in his hair softly. “As long as we want.”

Bucky nodded and got more comfortable. “Good.” He whispered, sounding sleepy again. “I like that idea.”

With that settled, they laid there for a while, just relaxing like that. Taking in the view and truly settling in for the time being. Into the peace and quiet they both needed right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok well, where to begin haha
> 
> This chapter was very smutty, and I have no apologizes for that. I'm sure you all enjoyed it greatly cause I know it was fun to write. They really are like rabbits aren't they? The bunny slippers are very appropriate ;) 
> 
> I kind of wanted to show these in a way as freeing for them both. Showing how their relationship works on a base level, the emotional and physical aspects. Like Bucky sort of taking charge at the beginning and proving that he does these things because he wants to, that no one is making him do it anymore. It shows Steve too. Really starts to sink in that nothing he does really hurts Bucky, or reminds him, which is so important after everything that went down recently. 
> 
> It really also shows the sort of dominant/submissive element they'd developed and the comfort they have in those roles. One of the things about this that for Bucky, it's very freeing to surrender that control. To trusts Steve completely. Its the way he takes himself back. And for Steve it is about confidence again that, like I said earlier, he can go as hard as he wants to and it's okay with Bucky. But he still checks, which does make him such a Smol doesn't it? 
> 
> Also by keeping Bucky naked, mostly the whole time, was in a sense, allowing him to completely vulnerable in this situation which allows a sense of freedom too. And it allows him to accept himself as well. I like that element so much in this chapter. 
> 
> The conversations in between show how much more they are open with each other as well. That they learn new things about each other all the time, which allows them and their relationship to grow stronger as a result. 
> 
> The idea for the stealth suit and naked Bucky was actually a request from a reader. and I do like those, it's helps my story organically flow in many ways and I love that. So credit to that reader for the idea and I hope they very much liked the result of our collaboration on this a result. Thanks love I had so much fun writing that scene :D
> 
> Okay so the next chapter is most likely going to be titled 'Homecoming' which as we all know, is one of Bucky's WS words. But its title here has several different meaning. They will come in that chapter finally, but you will hear more about their time in Hawaii as well during it. It will also deal with the ramifications of coming back home and dealing with the issues that are still there. But their vacation made them stronger both individually and as a couple as well so you will see the results of that in the next few chapters. 
> 
> And as always, thank you all for the lovely comments, I appreciate them a lot and will try to get the next one out quicker than this one (too many distractions whew) And I hope everyone is doing well these days and is staying safe <3 <3<3


	18. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr :)

He woke up to the soft sound of a light rain. These little rainstorms happened here, the volcanos made the weather on the islands very diverse he was told. And instead of the rain bringing back the achy bones and the bad memories, this rain brought something else.

A pleasant one. From a long time ago. Before the world had really scarred him.

They were on their last day here before going home, and while Bucky had lamented this, he did miss home to some degree. He missed his friends, his house. Hell even the sight of New York itself. In spite of the things that were waiting there, the trepidation of which was causing his anxiety to start rearing it’s ugly head again. Along with some other strange behavior that manifested itself that morning after his birthday. 

A sense of possessiveness over Steve and a need he hadn’t felt in a long time.

And in some way it seemed to be directly related to the memory he was recalling now.

In the midst of their frequent intimacy, he had felt himself much more aggressive toward Steve, marking him more frequently, and initiating many of their more intense interactions himself. Not that he didn’t do that mind you, but it was like there was a part of him wanting to assert more control when most of the time he was happy to submit.

The urge he was feeling was the need to make love to him the way he used to when they were younger. To climb on him and get inside him. To grab a ferocious hold and possess him. It had been something he’d balked from for so long, for so many reasons. Some of them physical, but as that had gotten better, he’d realize it was mostly psychological. And he was still sorting out the reasons why he was so hesitant even after all this time.

They had, when they were younger, often switched with each other, giving each other the opportunity to be in charge. And Steve, even as that thin, sickly little punk, had taken to the dominant part of it, because he’d had so little control in his own life. Used to being the weaker one until he was shown he didn’t have to. And Bucky had enjoyed being ordered around and even dominated by him even then. It had been quite enjoyable both ways.

But their first time had been Bucky. Making love to his beautiful punk under the dock on a rainy day like this. Remembering the feeling he’d had that day. How pure it had been. And how nervous and unsure he’d been in spite of his seemingly outer confidence.

He’d hadn’t been a virgin so that wasn’t the problem. It was because it was Steve and it was special. He’d never felt the way he’d felt for anyone the way he’d felt for Steve, this wasn’t some one-stand, teenage fool around, this was Steve. He loved him, and didn’t want to mess it up, because it would change everything. And even because it was a little dangerous. Hell a lot dangerous if he was being honest.

_“We don’t have you to you know?” Bucky had said to him, pulling Steve’s thin, shirtless body to his. “If you don’t want to.” _

_Steve’s beautiful eyes had flashed at him as he pressed into him. “I want to Buck.” He’d said, his wet hair stuck to his face. “I’m not scared.” _

Bucky had recalled thinking he was just so beautiful, so innocent and pure despite his rough life so far. Thinking he wasn’t really worthy of this. But the way Steve had looked at him, the rain pounding on the boardwalk above them, had captivated him as well. In spite of his nervous, beating heart, he found the courage to pull him into his arms and pick him up. He was so damn light, the wind could’ve blown him away with a light gust, but Bucky wasn’t going to let that happen. They kissed deeply in that fumbling yet passionate way of teenagers as he carried him to the blanket and laid him down on it. As they slowly stripped the rest of their wet clothes and began making love for the first time.

He could still feel it now over him as he remembered how it had felt to finally give into this after months of being unable to find the right time and place. The relief and the overwhelming feeling of rightness. Of love. It had felt like finally coming home to where you belonged.

The only part that felt wrong was that he couldn’t tell anyone. Couldn’t let it show. At least not publicly.

But times had changed hadn’t they? They always did.

As he laid there now, one arm draped over Steve’s sleeping body he thought about how much Steve had grown and changed since then. How he’d been the one to start taking care of Bucky He was the one who was unsure sometimes whether he was doing things right. Afraid of hurting him but doing the exact opposite.

He was beautiful then and was beautiful now, and Bucky loved him so much it hurt.

Wishing he could love him like he had then. Return the favor for all of what he’d done for and given to him. To finally cross that final border to put them back where they were before all this happened. But it was still a block in his mind. Still laced with fear and a strange sense of not being nearly good enough for this man sleeping next to him. Things he couldn’t voice just yet. But he wanted to. It was growing inside like a fever.

He recalled the sweet memory of the way Steve’s skinny legs had wrapped around him, the way his body had moved under him. The sweet sounds he’d made, and how careful he’d been at first not to hurt him. Until Steve had urged him on more and his confidence grew. Forging a deeper, more intimate bond than he’d with anyone. Stronger because it was a secret. A sweet, pure, perfect secret that he’d have killed to protect even then.

Leaning on his elbow he looked down at the love of his life and played with that blonde hair, feeling what it had felt like to be that boy back then. To feel those feelings. Because back then, no matter how mature and grown up he’d thought of himself, he had still been after all, just a boy in many ways.

The war and Hydra had changed that in him. Slapped his innocence away so fast he barely saw it go.

It was something that once you lost it, it was very difficult to get back and he ached for it sometimes. To have never known real pain and suffering. But looking down at Steve with that memory in his head he could feel it for a moment again and mourned for that loss all over again. It hurt like hell in a way he wasn’t prepared for.

He nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck and took a shuddering breath, which Steve must’ve noticed because suddenly there was hand on the back of his head. Stroking his hair softly in that way he always did when he sensed that Bucky needed comfort.

“You okay?” Steve asked groggily, coming up from sleep.

“Yeah.” Bucky whispered back to him, nuzzling up under his chin. “I’m fine.”

“You sure about that?” He asked, his tone indicating he didn’t believe him. “Cause you’re shaking a little.”

“I’m just cold.” Bucky said irritably. “The windows open.”

“It’s 75 degrees out.”

“And it’s raining.” Bucky added with a little sarcasm. “There’s a sea breeze and all.”

He knew Steve wouldn’t buy it. Hell he’d been outside on many nights without any clothes on so it wasn’t that. And when he flicked his eyes up at Steve, he could see for sure he wasn’t buying it.

“Just tell me what’s wrong okay?” He asked, his hand stroking Bucky’s hair softly.

Bucky sighed heavily, sliding up a little more to crouch over him, his legs straddling one Steve’s legs. He felt him wrap the other leg slide around his hip a little and there was something about that so basic and comforting.

And having one of Steve’s legs wrapped around him instead of the other way around brought back some of those old feelings again. “I was.. thinking about when we younger you know?” He mused as he ran his metal hand over Steve’s thigh and knee. “About our first time.” He lifted his eyes to look in Steve’s. “It was raining then too remember?”

“Of course I do.” Steve answered with a smile of his own. “It’s hard to forget.”

“You were so beautiful. So perfect.” He said as his fingers continued to trail up and down Steve’s leg. “I was just.. so nervous you know? So scared I was gonna screw it up.”

“You were?” Steve asked, surprised. “You seemed pretty sure of yourself.”

“I wasn’t.” He told him, leaning forward a little, flesh fingers playing on the waistband of Steve’s shorts. “I was just good at acting like I was.”

“You were good at a lot of things.” Steve said with a wink. “You were very good.”

The way he looked at him there, he knew he was thinking of that day too. Remembering all the feelings and sensations that came with that experimental lovemaking. The secretive exploration they had been dying to give into for a long time. And Bucky was remembering it too as he leaned over him, and unconsciously swung his leg over Steve’s so they both were know in between his. Feeling the urge to try again now.

“I wanna make love to you like I did then..” He whispered to Steve, his hands sliding up to the waistband of those annoying shorts. “I wanna be inside you again..” He wrapped his fingers around the waistband and pulled them a little more. “It’s been so long..”

Steve looked at him with dark, searching eyes. “Are you sure?” He asked with concern in them. “Cause I mean..”

“I’m not sure.” Bucky said honestly, sliding back a little as nuzzle the skin between Steve’s shirt and his shorts. “We’ll see how it goes.”

He let his fingers push the t-shirt Steve was wearing over his head and then pulled it off and took a moment to appreciate him now. He’d always loved him, always thought he was beautiful, even before he looked like this, had felt the longing lust then just like he did now. But there was a possessive element added to it. That feeling of _Mine _that had grown in him. Of wanting to claim him the way Steve had with him. Not that he hadn’t felt it then, but it was purer, more elemental in a sense. Now it was a primal force that Steve brought out in him as well over the years.

But even now he wasn’t even completely sure he’d be able to finish what he started. It was creeping up in him a little at time. But it didn’t stop him from leaning down and sucking marks over his husband’s body, including that chest and luscious hips, while Steve’s hands ran through his hair.

Lifting himself up he slid his metal hand inside those shorts and between his legs and the fingers into him, knowing how much he loved that feeling. Of how those segmented fingers stroked him inside. He’d done it many times, just to drive him crazy. He could hear Steve groan and leaned up to kiss him as he did this, wanting to take that in as he used those fingers to pleasure him.

“You feel so good inside darlin’” He whispered against his lips. “So perfect..” He ran his tongue over Steve’s lips as he spoke. “And your all mine.”

“Yes I am.” Steve agreed, thigh rubbing against Bucky’s hip sensually. “And I always will be..”

God he wanted to get in there again, to just pump into him the way Steve had been doing for him. To hear him moan and grip his back for a change. To fuck him until he couldn’t take it anymore. The need was so strong in him, but the fear was there too. Because he knew how powerful he was now as well, and he wasn’t sure he could control himself anymore. That that pent-up aggression inside him, the one that caused him to bite and scratch sometimes, would be released and he could really hurt him.

It was like a war in his head as he continued to use his fingers to thrust a little harder against him, letting himself chew on his neck as he did. The sound Steve was making just made him want it more, the urge growing almost uncontrollable as he stroked just a little more with his hand. Knowing he was making him cum and that just made Bucky’s body ache for it more, to grab his hips and pound right into him without mercy.

_I could destroy him.. _A part of his mind warned fearfully. _And I want to.._

He began to shake a little at the thought and hated himself a little for it. Trying to ignore it but it was a hard voice to ignore. He pulled his lips away and stopped what he was doing, almost as if fozen.

“Buck?” Steve asked, breathless but aware of the change. “Are you okay?”

Sliding his hand out of him, Bucky backed up and sat on his knees, his hand on his forehead trying to get his thoughts under control. He felt Steve sit up and put his hands on his shoulder, and Bucky fought the urge to push them off, feeling a bit dangerous now. Like he was touched his fear would come to life.

Steve held his arms gently and asked again. “Buck?”

“I wanna do it but.” He said in a voice he was desperately trying to keep under control “I could really.. hurt you..”

“No.” Steve said softly to him, one of his hands on the side of his face, fingers in his hair. “Don’t say that.. you’re not gonna hurt me.”

He looked at him with haunted eyes, hand wrapping around Steve’s wrist. “I’m not like I was then.. “ He told him, scrunching his face up a little. “I’m still all fucked up inside.” His face turned away shamefully. “I need to be controlled or I could..”

Bucky could feel it deep down inside and believed this was the reason why he hadn’t topped him in so long. Because he didn’t trust himself anymore. Hadn’t for a long time. Feeling that Steve had him under control here and if he gave it over it would disastrous. He’d hinted at this in therapy but had never wanted to go there. It seemed like an impossible hurdle for him to surmount. This massive psychological block that wouldn’t move.

“Bucky no you don’t need to be controlled.” Steve reassured him, putting both his hands on his face now. “You’re not dangerous.” He stared into his eyes. “You’re not.”

He felt so emotional at the way Steve was looking at him, at the way he said with such assurance in his voice. Steve had been able to tear down very high stone walls Bucky had put around himself over the years for protection. With that stubborn patience he managed to chip away until there was very little left. This barrier was taking more time, but his punk was a stubborn one. And Bucky felt his lip quiver a little in response.

“I’m sorry.” He said finally, it was the only thing that would come out. “I’m so sorry..”

“Stop saying you’re sorry.” Steve told him adamantly, holding his face tighter as if to emphasize this. “You got nothing to be sorry for.”

He bit his lip and lowered his head, butting it against Steve’s shoulder. He could feel Steve’s hands on the back of his neck now, as if to sooth him as he started taking in ragged gulps of breath. Letting out the pain and the anxiety he was holding in. Letting him calm him. He grabbed Steve’s shirt with his hands, clutching it and just stayed there like that for a while trying to get himself together.

It wasn’t just this he knew. It was the fear of going back as well. Of getting back to reality that had his nerves all frayed too. And he knew Steve knew that as well.

“It’s okay Buck.” He whispered into Bucky’s hair. “Just relax.. it’s gonna be okay I promise.”

As sweet as Steve’s words were, as much as his touch eased him, Bucky could not get his mind to shut off its incessant noise and he whined softy and clutched Steve’s shirt harder. That voice that said he didn’t deserve any of this was back. Reminding him of what defective, piece of shit monster he was compared to the image he had of himself then. That carefree boy that worried his mother sometimes., causing her to pray with her rosary, using that old language he hadn’t understood. And had pissed off his father regularly as well. _The boy needs to take things seriously_ his father used to say. _Him and that damn Rogers thick as thieves they are.._

He’d learned that lesson hard though. As he got older and saw the world for what it really was.

But he’d loved Steve, that was serious to him. The one thing in his life he’d truly gotten right he believed. Everything had gotten fucked up except that.

“I don’t deserve you punk.” Bucky finally said, his voice shaky but calming down a little. “Not then and certainly not now.”

Steve shook his head with that slightly exasperated look. “I really wish you’d stop saying things like that.”

He hated that look too, knowing that he truly annoyed him when he seemed to put himself down that way. But it happened. Some days he felt really good, and other days, like today, he didn’t. It’s when all the self-doubt showed up with all its ugly side-effects. One of them a feeling he’d disappointed Steve in some way. It was stupid he knew but it was still there just the same and made him want to apologize again. But that would start a whole new thing again.

“Don’t listen to me punk.” He told him, wanting to drop the whole thing to be honest. “I just got a little self-loathing goin’ on it’ll pass eventually.” He pulled away from a little. “I think I just.. need a little time alone if that’s alright?”

He felt Steve brush some of his hair back a little, just a soft flutter touch of fingers. “Okay.” He said agreeable, sitting back. “I’ll make you some breakfast.”

Bucky nodded, appreciating the fact that Steve seemed to understand this and not try to push him anymore on this topic. And he had to start packing anyways. He felt Steve give him a gently kiss on the top of his head as her got up and left the room for a while.

He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair in frustration with himself. Hating these stupid mood swings and his lack of confidence in himself. He had wanted so badly to just be able to make love to Steve like he had when they were younger but once again he’d just froze and it once again it was up to Steve to take care of him. It was so aggravating, and he was once again beating himself internally.

_Do you ever wonder why you do that?_ He’d remembered Amelia asking sometimes. Why you keep _putting yourself down even now?_

It was a good question really. Some part of him knew it went further back than just his time with Hydra and their abuse. They’d just enhanced it and used it. But it was hard to access the source when his mind still sometimes wouldn’t work right and give him answers. It was just easier to punish himself internally.

After a minute or two he got up, and with this thought still on his mind, decided to start packing and distract himself, letting the ambient noise of the water and the task at hand distract him from his thoughts for now.

\--

Steve had made Bucky a breakfast sandwich and brought it back upstairs, making sure to give him enough time to get himself back together again. When he got like this he needed those moments and Steve was more than okay to give it to him.

It was a constant learning curve. And this was one he’d learned early on. Sam and his own therapist had both told him just give him time and space and it had been good advice.

He was thinking about earlier though. About what Bucky had tried to do. Something he’d tried a couple of times over the last few years, but not so much recently. To make love that way for the first time in a long time. He had gotten distracted in the thought of it so much, of what it felt like when Bucky was inside him, pleasuring him in such amazing ways, like when they were young before the war, that he didn’t realize the profoundness of the fact Bucky wanted to after all this time. And had almost missed the fear that had started to creep into Bucky’s countenance.

He had lost confidence in himself. Steve could see that clearly. Terrified he would hurt him, even if Bucky couldn’t fully voice this, it was painfully apparent and it hurt to think about that too much.

Steve didn’t know what to do about that except to keep telling he wouldn’t. That it was okay. But it was hard to get around that particular roadblock for some particular reason. It was one of Bucky’s longest standing hang-ups and it was hard to shake him from it. So he hadn’t pushed him too hard on it even thought there was a part of Steve that ached for that feeling again.

Especially when he used those segmented metal fingers to perfection. The feeling was exquisite.

He was thinking about it as he brought the sandwich up for him. Stopping in the doorway as to not bother him yet.

Bucky was sitting on the floor now, his legs folded together with Arya sitting there contentedly, as he packed stuff into one of their suitcases. His hair was pulled back away from his face, with a look of concentration on it. A loose pair of jeans and a rock band t-shirt seemed to complete the look perfectly. The sun through the window was hitting his hair perfectly, lighting up the auburn highlights in his dark hair and he just looked so beautiful in a very domestic way.

His presence didn’t go unnoticed however, those blue eyes looking up at him with a lighter look than before. “You don’t have lurk you know?” He said as his lips curved into a soft smile. “Was getting a bit hungry anyways.”

Steve hunkered down next to the suitcase and handed him the sandwich. “Need some help?”

“Yeah actually.” Bucky said as he looked at the pile of clothes and sighed. “I don’t remember having this much shit when we came here.”

“Happens all the time.” Steve observed, picking up a t-shirt and folding it. “You buy stuff and end up needed like 3 extra bags as result.” He held another shirt up, a new one that looked like a proto-typical Hawaiian shirt with flowers on it. “Like this.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe I bought that.” He said dismissively. “I must’ve been drunk.”

“It looks on you though.” He observed, holding up to show Bucky. “Brings out your eyes.”

He chuckled as Bucky tried to bat it away from him, but he could see the smile on his face that he was desperately trying to hide. “I can’t bee seen that punk.” He grumbled. “It’s got flowers on it.”

“So?” Steve told him, holding it away and grinning at him. “You still looked damn sexy in it.”

Recalling that Bucky had been a bit tipsy that night and had worn that shirt, and well nothing else. And Steve had had a typical reaction to that sight. Making sure Bucky had kept the shirt on as they had indulged themselves in another fun romp on the upstairs patio this time. Judging by the look on Bucky’s face he could see he’d recalled that too.

“If you like it so much then I’ll keep it.” He said giving Steve a softer, slightly saucier look. “But I’m only wearing it for you punk.. Because God help me if Sam ever sees it.” He shook his head. “I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“It’s a deal.” Steve agreed, folding it up and putting it in the suitcase. And then unable to help himself, pushed that strand stray strand of hair that always seemed to fall out of his ponytail behind his ear gently. “You feeling better now?”

“Depends on what you mean by better.” Bucky said, looking away as he picked up some more clothes to fold and put away.

“You know what I mean.”

Bucky sighed a little and looked up at him. “I don’t know.” He said in what like an honest answer. “It’s kinda a work in progress I guess.”

His metal hand was petting Arya and Steve could see his wedding ring reflecting the sun on the ring finger o that hand. He’d taken to wearing it on that hand, saying at one point that’s where it’s supposed to be. Didn’t matter if that was his real hand or not. And Steve remembered thinking that was sort of a big step too. That arm was as much a part of him as his other one. That and the white star now adorning it just sort of went right to Steve’s heart at the level of commitment now.

He had that level of commitment too, some of which meant being patient with him. For as long as it took and as aggravating as it could be sometimes.

“Just take it easy on yourself okay?” Steve told him, picking up that hand for a moment and squeezing it. “Everything else can wait.”

“I know.” Bucky replied, getting a softer look on his face. “I’m tryin’ punk.”

Steve smiled thinking that’s all he really needed to hear. “Okay then.” He answered and pushed the sandwich toward Bucky. “Now eat jerk or I’ll give it to the cat.”

“Oh hell no.” Bucky said and grabbed it possessively and gave Arya a stern look. “You got your own food princess paws off mine.”

Steve smiled and dangled a piece of bacon and the little cat lept off Bucky and stood up on her hind legs to get that tantalizing piece of bacon. It was cute and Steve watched Bucky watching him over the top of his sandwich. Seeing the softest look ever on his face as he did. The cat, completely oblivious took, the bacon and immediately munched on her reward.

“You spoil her.” Bucky said between bites. “She’s gonna get fat.”

“I spoil her?” Steve replied incredulously. “You’re the one that gives her chicken tenders all the time jerk so don’t lay that crap on me.”

Bucky just grinned and took an exaggerated bite out of his sandwich. “You got me there.” He admitted in between chews. “She’s one of my few weaknesses.”

“Is that so Sergeant Barnes?” Steve asked, sliding a little closer now he saw an opening. “And what’s the other.”

Bucky swallowed the rest of his sandwich and titled his head in that cute, teasing way. “Punks who are too dumb to run away from a fight.” He said as if it wasn’t obvious. “Especially blonde ones.”

Steve smiled and wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head. “I prefer brunettes myself.”

He then pulled him into a kiss, feeling Bucky’s metal hand, with that ring on it, press into his chest, right above his heart as he did. Using the other to grip his shirt sleeve softly. His own hair flexed into that brown hair, fisting it gently as he leaned on his other arm, tasting the sandwich on those lips. Hearing the soft ambience of the wave from outside the window. Everything combining into yet another perfect moment he wasn’t going to forget any time soon.

Saying with that kiss what he couldn’t say with words. That he was not defective. That he was perfect and loved and always would be no matter what. And feeling Bucky sigh into it he knew he was getting the message loud and clear.

Finally pulling they sat their like that, both of them breathless. “So what should we do with our last day?” Bucky asked, biting one of his swollen lips in that cute way Steve had always loved.

“I don’t know.” Steve answered, his hand still buried in his hair. “It’s up to you.”

“Well I’ll have to think about that then.” Bucky mused and leaned forward again. “But while I do..”

He then crashed their lips together again, even harder this time and Steve smiled into it, gripping his hair tighter as he did. Hell if he wanted to sit her all day and do this he could too. He’d be perfectly find with it.

Eventually they decided that they would spend it on the beach. On a towel by the water. They’d get some sun and make-out. Swim and make-out. Play frisbee in the sand then fall into it and continue to make-out, wrestling and laughing. Being happy to just touch and kiss each other until they couldn’t breathe.

Covered in salt water and loving every minute of it under the crystal clear blue sky.

\--

Unable to sleep that night, Bucky decided he wanted to paint a little more before he packed up his easel. Most of their other stuff, except for some basic needs had already been packed and sent to the plane ahead of them for the morning, including their family mural, carefully packed as to not ruin it. But Bucky wanted to keep this out a little longer.

He still had a lot on his mind and sometimes he could paint it out. Which was exactly what he was doing.

Sitting there, he was adding some browns and yellows at first, not sure where he was going with it yet. But it looked familiar just the same. Like somewhere he’d been once. It was strange how his painting worked. A lot of artists started with a basic idea, but Bucky didn’t work like that. His mind more specifically didn’t. He just felt the urge to paint and the picture created itself, which always surprised him. Especially when the finished product came out. Wanda had told him it was how his mind put things together and it was very unique.

“You don’t start out with the whole picture.” She’d told him once over coffee. “You start out with pieces that gradually form a picture. Like your memories when they come back. Just a little at a time.”

Wanda understood his mind, having been able to access it with her own powers and she did have remarkable insight that he trusted. “Sometimes I just wish I had the whole picture though.” He mused, shaking his head. “This jigsaw puzzle shit is kinda annoying.”

“You’re just impatient.” She’d told him, laughing in that cute way of hers. “Just accept your process you old bastard.”

He honestly couldn’t wait to see her again, along with his other friends. Even though he was apprehensive about going home. That anxiety maybe contributing to the drama this morning. And was mostly why he couldn’t sleep now.

And for some odd reason he was thinking an awful lot about his mother these days. Which was a tough subject even on a good day. The wound of losing his family without closure was still very deep and tender to the touch. It was one that Steve rarely brought up independently because he understood it well. Missing his ma was something he could definitely relate to.

“At least I got to say goodbye to her Buck.” Steve had said once on a particularly bad day. Mother’s Day to be exact. “I just wish you’d gotten to too that’s all.”

He remembered being a little defensive about it at the time. “Does it really matter Steve.” He’d snapped a little. “She’s just one of many losses I gotta live with so why fucking dwell on it?”

“It does mater Buck.” Steve had answered simply. “Because it clearly still hurts you.”

“I’m fine.” He’d told him, getting up from where he’d been sitting. “I can handle it.”

But he’d realized that he still hadn’t really. Sure he’d gone to see them in the cemetary, talked to them, especially his mother and sister. But as much as that helped it hadn’t taken away from the sharpness of the pain he still felt whenever his mind turned that way. Trying to shut off any memories that directly related to ti had been the only way really. Even though Amelia had hinted it hadn’t been healthy to do, and he knew she was right. She usually was.

“Burying your pain doesn’t make it go away.” She’d told him once. “It just prolongs it and you know that.”

And he didn’t know why he was associating those memories with earlier. His parents were as far from sex with Steve as possible but for some reason this particular problem had brought thoughts of them back and it felt strangely weird because he couldn’t make sense of why then. But he was starting to.

Because it was related. His early relationship with Steve had been kept secret from his parents. With Becca’s help. She’d covered for him while they were out secretly meeting. And at the time his father had not been happy with what he felt was frivolous boy fun when he should be taking things more seriously. And things with dear father were, well complicated he was starting to remember.

Truth was too that part of him even then, had still felt like a sinner. That his mother would collapse from the blasphemy of it. Bucky had retrieved memories of her praying in that old language with her rosary. She was devout Catholic and the part of him that wanted to do right by her was aghast at himself. Never mind his father’s reaction if he’d known the extent of his son’s relationship with the ‘Rogers boy’, things could’ve gotten ugly fast. It was situation he’d worked very hard to hide as a result.

So in a strange way, it was very much entwined with his complicated hang-up now. Just another element really. Not the cause but just added another layer.

_Jimmy be a good lad_… His mother had said, her accent coming through on those occasions. _Mind your father and your Lord_… she used to say. But he hadn’t exactly adhered to either and he hadn’t been that good either had he? And he hadn’t realized that in some way he was still feeling like a failure to her more than anything. At least on the first part, because to be quite honest, he wasn’t feeling much good will towards the latter two these days.

He’d realized that he was still painting as he was thinking and that there was very clearly a rosary resting o n the table he was now painting. Seeing that the place he was drawing was Sarah Roger’s kitchen, a place he’d spent a lot of time in when they were kids. That he was painting something from a forming memory, from a strange upward perspective. From the stairs in the apartment actually.

He and Steve had sat there sometimes and sort of spied as their mothers had chats. They were friends after all. But the memory was still fuzzy and broken up. A lot of his memories that far back were. Some of them were still badly damaged it was akin to doing a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing just to put them back toegherr. And it gave him migraines to try to too hard for too long. 

Bucky sat back, finally hearing the ambient sound of the ocean out the window and blinked a little at what he was painting. The rosary and two pairs of hands, female, through the frame of a doorway.

_“What are they sayin’?” He’d asked Steve. “Do you know?” _

_Steve shook his little blonde head. “I don’t know.. I just know my mom speaks it sometimes that’s all.” _

Bucky felt that vague tinge in this memory of knowing his mom had too. But it was difficult to get it all in the same place and there came that headache again. That one that said he was trying too damn hard. But whatever it was, he was painting it just the same. It was important enough for him to do it. He just didn’t know why yet.

So he pushed a little harder, ignoring the pain for the moment.

He’d had a busted lip, he remembered because it stung when he unconsciously bit it while sitting there. His mother had sounded upset as she spoke to Sarah. He didn’t understand the language though, sounding like mish-mash in his head. A language he didn’t understand. And it had been late, very late. After midnight he thought.

“You almost done there jerk?” He heard Steve’s voice ask, causing him jump a little and reach for the painting cover. “Because you need to get some sleep you know. Got a long flight tomorrow.”

“Yeah yeah.” He said in reply, covering the painting rather quickly he noticed. “I suppose I could finish it at home.”

“What’s it of?” Steve asked, coming over t o him. “Can I see?”

For some reason he really didn’t want him to. Not yet at least. It felt private even though it involved Steve. Mostly because he wasn’t sure of the reasons behind it yet. Didn’t want to answer those questions at the moment.

_What happened to your face?_ He heard a much younger version of Steve say in his head _Is why your mom’s so upset?_ He tried to shake this memory out of there before the current version saw it in his eyes.

“It’s not ready yet.” He covered quickly, giving him a reassuring smile. “You can see it when it’s done.”

“You know your cute when you’re being secretive boo bear.” Steve told him as he slid an arm around Bucky’s waist. “Makes me even more curious now.”

“You’re just gonna have to wait big boy.” Bucky replied, leaning against him as they walked to the bedroom. “No peeking you got that?”

Steve grinned, his hand doing a little wandering on Bucky’s back. “I would never.” He told him and nuzzled his neck by his ear. “The only peeking I’m interested in doing is under those clothes jerk.”

“I thought you said we needed to get some sleep Captain?” Bucky inquired, hooding his eyes a little at that suggestion. “Or were that just a ploy to get me back in bed?”

“So suspicious Sergeant Barnes.” Steve said in a voice that tried to be sexy, but Bucky just thought was cute. “Thinking I have ulterior motives like that.”

“I don’t think punk.. I know.” Bucky replied, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “Because you got your hand on my ass and that look in your eyes..”

Not that he was complaining about either mind you. Liked when Steve did both. But he was still thinking about this morning as well and it was clouding his desire just a tiny bit even as he wiggled a little against Steve’s hand, feeling him give a little squeeze in response.

“You alright?” Steve asked, noticing this and getting a little concerned.

“Yeah I just got a headache.” He said, which wasn’t entirely a lie because he did. “Squinting too hard at the canvas I guess.”

“Well then.” Steve answered, leaning in to speak in Bucky’s ear. “How about we let Doctor Steve take care of that shall we?”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that. “You’re such a dork Rogers you know that?”

“Yeah.” Steve said and rubbed his nose against Bucky’s. “But you love me anyways.”

“Unfortunately yes.” Bucky answered with a heavy sigh. “And what does that say about me?”

Steve didn’t answer just tipped Bucky’s chin up and gave him a soft, sweet kiss on the lips that felt so pure to Bucky that he actually felt a shiver go through him. Remembering some of their earliest, tentative kisses in secluded areas. The memories were powerful and for a moment brought him back to that teenager he was then.

He even felt flushed like he did back then, having leaned against Steve as they pulled apart. Although he thought it might’ve been the migraine too, which was shaping up to be a doozy by the feel of it. And it didn’t go unnoticed by Steve that he was squinting a bit against very low light.

“I’m gotnna get you to bed okay?” He was told as he was guided in that direction. “And then I’ll get you and ice pack.”

Bucky just nodded, wanting nothing more than to lay down. He knew it was a combination of anxiety, and over-stressing his mind trying to access that memory, that had triggered it. He was told he would have them chronically probably for the rest of his life, which he’d learned to deal with. So laying down and closing his eyes sounded like a good idea. And he could sleep on the plane tomorrow if he needed to as well.

So he let Steve put him to bed without too much protest, laying on his left side, favoring the other arm still, and pressed his face into the pillow, because even the low light in the room was too much now. He heard Steve quietly go downstairs and retrieve a pack of ice from the freezer and possibly some medication as well. And as he waited with his eyes closed, he felt Arya rub up against him and then lay down, wrapping her paws around his metal arm, and start to purr. It was a comforting feeling.

“Thanks little darlin’” He said softly to her, petting her, increasing her purr exponentially.

It wasn’t long before Steve was back and crawled in behind him, letting Bucky rest his head on his arm while he used the other hand to press the pack against his forehead. The feel of the cold immediately had an effect on his throbbing head and addled mind. Along with just the feel of being sandwiched by Steve and Arya like he was.

“That better?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said just above a whisper. “Thanks punk.”

“You gotta stop thinking so hard jerk.” Steve told him, and Bucky could hear a little mirth in his voice. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

Bucky felt a smile curl onto his lips at that. “That’s my line.” He sassed. “Be original Rogers.”

He could hear Steve chuckle as he nuzzled his neck, still holding the ice pack to Bucky’s head. “Whose the one the with the headache smartypants?” Steve teased. “Not me.”

“That’s cause you need a brain to think that hard.” Bucky retorted, enjoying the teasing in spite of his aching head.

“You’re such a grumpy boo bear.” Steve whispered in his ear. “It’s adorable.”

It was amazing to Bucky how just this simple gesture made him feel better. He had medication and hadn’t taken it yet. Would in a little bit. But it just seemed like curling up like this and teasing each other was doing wonders for him.

He actually felt himself doze a little after that exchange but woke up remembering he wasn’t’ finished packing yet. “I almost forgot.” He said suddenly, attempting to get up. “I still got.. stuff to pack..” But was unable to get up because he was, well, under restraint. “My art stuff.”

“Don’t worry about.” He heard Steve say, pushing back to lay down again. “I’ll take care of it.” The pack was put back on his head as he was put back down on the pillow. “Just rest okay?”

He was, for some odd reason, really worried that Steve would look at his painting and ask him about it. It seemed really important that he not see it yet. Knowing it was partly the migraine causing this strange paranoia, but he could help it. He felt fuzzy and out sorts and it probably showed.

“The paintings not done.” He stammered, grabbing Steve’s arm as he got up. “It’s not done yet.”

He felt his hand brush his hair back gently. “I won’t look at it.” He was reassured. “I promise.”

Bucky nodded and heard him leave the room for a while to pack it all up in the travel bag Bucky had. Trusting him like he knew he should. Some water and some headache medicine had been left on the stand next to the bed and Bucky sat up, ignoring the dizziness as he did and downed the medication before laying back down again on his side and holding the pack to his head wearily.

As he lay there, waiting for the medication to kick in, and for Steve to come back, his thoughts turned to his mother again and the image of the rosary on Sarah Roger’s kitchen table. He was confused as to why it was coming back now. Why he hadn’t remembered it before.

He felt himself start to drift off thinking about that. With that strange language in his head. One he hadn’t been taught by Hydra. And why it seemed to comfort him when he was feeling so much anxiety over going home. And his deep shame about that morning as well. All of it clouding his mind and intensifying his headache as his medication worked to calm it.

Eventually he was asleep, hearing it in his head, with Arya laying next to him with her comforting purr.

_It’s gonna be okay Jimmy.. _He heard his mother’s voice as he fell into a deeper slumber. _I promise…_

“Mama..” He murmured in his sleep, trying to find her in the dark. Curling up a little as he lay there in unsettled sleep.

\--

Steve put the canvas with the cover on it right into the bag for the travel easel and paints. It fit easily in there and he zipped it up. A part of him had wanted to lift that cover up and see what Bucky was painting but didn’t. If Bucky wanted him to see it, he would show him. He wasn’t ready to yet.

The other paintings, including the mural, had already been sent to the plane and onboard for tomorrows trip home. They had been here almost a month and Bucky had painted several things. And had really started to heal physically and emotionally after his ordeal and subsequent time in the hospital. The thought of that still haunted Steve even now. But this trip had help them both heal he realized.

It had been a good decision to take him here. To give him this healing space away from it all. But it was time to go home.

He knew Bucky’s migraine had a lot to do with stress and anxiety over that. And the upcoming trial at the Hague was hanging over him too. But there was a little more to it than that. He usually got these type of headaches when he pushed his mind too hard on something and Steve wondered if it had to do with the painting he didn’t want to show him yet. Most likely.

Putting the bag in the hallway with the few they still had, he went back to the bedroom and found Bucky had fallen asleep, curled up on top of the covers with Arya. The ice-pack had fallen off his head and Steve picked it up and laid back down behind him, putting it against his head again, feeling his body shift a little but didn’t seem to wake. At least not that he could tell.

He wasn’t feverish from what he could feel, which just meant it was a migraine and it would pass. So held he held the pack for a while before removing it and just wrapping his arm around Bucky’s sleeping body.

After a little bit, Bucky seemed to stir just a little. It was hard to tell if he was waiting up or having a nightmare, but Steve held him a little tighter just the same. Letting him feel his presence behind him for comfort.

“Steve?” He murmured sleepily as if unsure that he was there.

“I’m here.” Steve answered right in his ear. “What is it?”

“Do you remember our moms talking in that weird language when we were kids?”

Steve was confused for a moment by the question but recovered when he realized what Bucky was asking. “You mean Gaelic?” He asked, wondering what brought this on. “Yeah of course I do why?”

“Cause I just did..” Bucky answered in that same sleepy voice. “I don’t know why but I just remembered that’s all.”

“You mean you didn’t before?” Steve asked, suddenly feeling his heart sink a little. “Because they did it a lot.”

Bucky seemed to wrap his hand around Steve’s reflexively. “There’s still a lot of things I don’t remember Steve.” He explained, squeezing that hand. “And I’m afraid I won’t.. that I.. lost some things for good.”

It hurt to hear that he still didn’t remember certain things from when he was younger. Because Steve himself remembered all of it. That his mom and Bucky’s would talk in the language of the old country, where they were both from. It was like a private thing for those women, something that bonded them as well the closeness of their sons. He’d remembered sitting on the stairs listening to them talk, him and Bucky, and he was wondering if this was what Bucky was referring to.

“I think I might need you to tell me some things sometimes.” Bucky continued. “To fill in the blanks because.. I want to remember those things but I can’t.” He seemed to swallow hard. “And when I try to hard it hurts my head.. like now.”

He felt a little angry, thinking it was bad enough what they did to him, but that they had to take away memories like this. And left him with a lot of terrible ones as a result. He knew it might take him years, maybe never, to get back some of those things. It made him hold him a little tighter to him, wishing he had those people in front of him again so he could rattle their brains around like they’d done with his. But he also knew Bucky didn’t need that anger right now. He just needed him to help him with this.

“Whatever you need Buck.” He whispered to him. “If you need me to fill in those blanks for you I will.. I’ll do my best.”

“I dreamed about her.” Bucky said suddenly. “My mom.. when I was unconscious… did I tell you that?”

“No you didn’t.” Steve replied, flattening his hand against Bucky’s stomach in a comforting way., feeling that new raised scar as he did.

“For the longest time I couldn’t remember what she looked like.” He continued in that quiet tone. “Or what he voice sounded like.” He seemed to pause and took another hard breath. “I could remember what it felt like to break someone’s neck, and the smell of burning flesh, but I couldn’t remember that.. how fucked up is that?”

Because Hydra had to clear the ‘useless’ memories like that in favor of all their crap that was why. He once again tried to stow that anger because Bucky was in such a vulnerable position right now, but he couldn’t help feeling it just the same. The unfairness of it.

“Do you remember her now?” Steve asked carefully, staying away from the rest of it.

“I think so.” He answered, and Steve could imagine that look he had when trying to recover something. “It’s kinda fuzzy but I’m starting to.”

“Well you got her hair and her eyes.” Steve told him, nuzzling his neck comfortingly. “Same color and everything..” He held him a little tighter and put his lips to his ear. “She was beautiful just like you. “

Bucky turned around in his arms just then and seemed to curl into them, burying his face in Steve’s neck. “I miss her.” He said into it, his voice heavy with emotion. “I really miss her.”

Steve just wrapped him up tight in his arms, doing his best to comfort him. He knew what it was like to miss his mom. He missed his every day. It was a hole in your life you could never fill. The first person to love you completely and unconditionally. But Steve knew he could comfort himself with the knowledge he’d at least gotten to say goodbye to his. Not that it made it any easier, but it was something at least.

He’d remembered the way Bucky had done his best to comfort him then over that loss. And he’d tried his best to do the same on the rare occasions when Bucky was willing to discuss it. Like now. There wasn’t anything else he could say really. He just had to hold him as best he could.

“I know.” He whispered into his hair. “I miss my mom too.”

It took a little bit for Bucky to relax but he did eventually and just sort of laid there like that. The way he did when he didn’t really want to talk anymore. Steve could feel the metal fingers gripping the back of his shirt loosen a little, but he didn’t lift his head up, just kept it tucked where it was. He didn’t think he was sleeping just yet, just quiet. So he continued to brush his dark hair with his fingers in that comforting way.

“You should get some sleep.” He told him after a while. “Got a long day tomorrow.”

“I can’t.” Bucky answered into his neck. “Head still hurts.”

Steve pressed his lips to his head. “Sleeping will help you know.”

“I’ll sleep on the plane.”

It was pointless to argue with him in this he knew. Steve also knew Bucky would probably fall asleep on his own anyways eventually, not matter how much he fought it. He wondered if maybe he just didn’t want it to be tomorrow just yet, a part of him not wanting to leave what had been a sanctuary for him lately. Maybe that was behind the behavior today. The anxiety triggering a multi-layered reaction.

He wished he could’ve kept him here longer to be honest, but they did have to go eventually and the longer they stayed the harder it would be.

“Maybe we can come back here next year.” He suggested to him, just to make conversation. “For your birthday again.” He lowered his hand and rubbed his back a little. “Start another tradition.”

Bucky lifted his head at that suggestion. “Like the lake?” He asked. “And the seaport?”

“Just like that.”

“Good.” Bucky said, a smile a appearing on his face, lighting up those blue eyes of his. “Let’s do that.”

Steve returned the smile and put his hand back around Bucky’s head and kissed him then, turning him onto his back as he did. Thinking maybe he could find another way to cure his headache and help him sleep. And maybe to remind him that in spite of what he’d said that morning, that there was nothing wrong with him.

“I was also thinking.” He whispered to him, pushing his shirt gently up. “Maybe I can.. help you sleep.”

Bucky looked up with his hand on his face. “You mean the old Rogers sleeping pill?” He asked, letting his leg wrap around Steve’s. “I dunno punk.. it just might work..”

And per usual it id.. Making love one more time to the sound of the waves did the trick, putting them both into a sweet, restful slumber. Both of them, and the cat eventually, curled up together peacefully for the rest of the night.

\--

“Hello?” Wanda said with amusement. “Earth to Barnes.”

Bucky looked up from his coffee, realizing he hadn’t been listening for a bit. Was a little distracted. Heavy thoughts and quite a bit of wariness of his surroundings had distracted him quite a bit from his lunch companion it seemed.

He’d been back for a few days now, and really, in spite of his best efforts, had been unable to really relax and unwind himself. While there hadn’t been the media circus like there was when they’d left almost a month ago, he still felt their presence occasionally. And more stares than normal as well. Most people in the neighborhood had treated him the same as they always had, but Bucky got the impression he had become a bit of tourist attraction and it was annoying and unnerving to say the least.

If it hadn’t been for doctor’s appointments and a standing obligation for lunch with Wanda, he would’ve been tempted to not even leave the house. Feeling that slight bit of agoraphobia kicking in. Something he’d mentioned off-hand with Amelia, but he’d had too many other fish to fry to delve into it too much.

“Your anxiety is up.” She’d observed as Bucky was sort of fidgety in her office. “I can tell.”

Bucky stopped pacing and turned to her, knowing that lying would do no good. “It’s been back since before I stepped off the plane.”

“Coming home was difficult for you.”

“Yeah and I don’t know why.” He admitted. “It’s home.”

“You went through another trauma and you nearly died.” She explained. “It was easy to put it away when you were far away but now you’re here where it all happened and it frightens you.”

She was right, she usually was. He found himself not wanting to think about that trauma too much right now. He would be thinking about it enough in the weeks to come as he prepared for the upcoming trial. But he knew it was contributing factor to his anxiety and restlessness. Causing all this emotional upheaval yet again.

Memories of being hurt. Of the hospital and the ventilator kept creeping in with everything else. He pushed those down for now, choosing to try ad focus on other things for the moment.

“You’d think I’d be an old hand at dealing with this shit.” He said with a dry chuckle as he sat down, rubbing his face with his hands. “That’d I be used to it by now.”

“I’d worry about you if that was the case.” She said simply. “The fact that you’re feeling this shows that you’re on the right track.”

“It’s not the only thing.” He said quietly. “There were a few.. blips while I was there.”

She nodded. “We can talk about those ‘blips’ if you want to.”

He had talked about a lot of it and was no closer to understanding the connections between all those feeling than he was before. She had suggested some serious meditation and contemplation on it, not in a way that caused more migraines but in a way that wold relaxed his mind and allowed him to think. There had been a few suggestions on that given, and he was mulling them over when Wanda interrupted his thoughts with her little bit of wheedling.

“Sorry.” He said apologetically. “Just over-stressing my mind again.” He shrugged and drank some of his coffee. “You were saying?”

“It’s not important I was just babbling and probably boring you.” She said with a flick of her eyes. “I’d probably fall asleep too if I was you.”

Bucky shook his head at that. “Kid you’re a lot of things but you ain’t boring.” He told her, giving her his best grin before explaining. “I’m just busy crawling out of my skin that’s al,l it has nothing to do with you.”

“I can tell.” She told him, putting her hand across the table and taking his. “Your aura is all over the place.” She gave him a soft look. “You’re very unsettled.”

She talked about aura’s sometimes. He had come to learn it was an energy field around people and that she could sense the mood of the said person by its vibration. She’d said anyone could do it, in fact a lot of people did without knowing it, but her powers made it so much stronger for her as a result and much harder to turn off. So he could never really bullshit her he knew. She’d figure it out rather quick.

“I need to think about things. Remember things.” He confessed to her, feeling the warm glow from her hand increase a little. “Hell I need to do things but I just can’t.. get my mind to settle and concentrate.” He gave her a very naked look, betraying this confusion. “I just don’t know how..”

She clasped his hand a little tighter and smiled in understanding of this. “Maybe I can help you with that.” She told him. “We can make a few stops and pick a few things up.”

“Like what?” He asked curiously, wondering what the hell she was up to.

“For starters I gotta update your music collection. Get you with the times.” She teased, letting go of his hand to pick up her coffee. “Find you some good stuff. .and we’ll go from there.”

“Music?” He questioned, narrowing his eyes in confusion as they got up. “How will that help.”

Wanda just gave him that cute side-eyed look. “Just trust me old man.” She sassed him, hooking her arm around his elbow. “Wanda is good.. Wanda is wise.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at her and allowed himself to led out of the coffee shop. It was sunny out and pretty nice day in New York for April he had to admit. She seemed to be inclined to walk, leaving their respective vehicles at the parking garage for now. They just sort of laughed and chatted a little as they walked and Bucky found himself surprisingly relaxed, maybe because he was just distracted by his friend’s ability to find something to chatter about.

Wanda may have had her own troubles but had found some peace in herself and was happy to spread it around to the ones she loved, and Bucky loved that about her.

They found what seemed to be a music store, it sold actual records Bucky was surprised to see, because to be quite honest he sometimes preferred the sound of those to the more sterile sounds of digital music. Never that they reminded him of Steve’s old record player that they’d had in their little apartment. When they used to dance there in private, in their own safe little world.

So he definitely was gong to grab a few of those.

But the music Wanda had in mind for him more modern in scale, so they sorted through some CDs and found some stuff they could look up on his phone as well. And the great thing about this place was, it was one of those places where you put headphones and actually sample the music before you bought it.

“Try this one.” She suggested, putting in the sampler and handing him the headphones. “tis really good.”

Bucky kind of knitted his brows a little looking at it. “This isn’t that new age shit is it?”

She elbowed him a little at that. “Just try to be open-minded okay?” She asked. “Besides it’s not new age it’s Celtic there’s a difference.”

Something in that description rang a tiny bell in Bucky’s head. A familiarity of sorts. He’d had these before. Having a flash of the day on the bridge when he’d heard his name for the first time in decades. That memory was painful, but it led somewhere else as well. Reminding him of what he was trying to do here. Remember.

“Alright alright.” He told her, pretending to be annoyed but in actuality was very wiling to try this. “Stop nagging me girl.”

Putting the headphones on, he turned the music on, feeling a bit ridiculous with those huge things on his head. But when the music came on, with a language that was hauntingly familiar to him, something happened. His mind started to clear a little and he closed his eyes listening carefully as he did.

He knew this language, but it wasn’t one Hydra had taught him torturously. It was different.

It gave him a strange feeling of nostalgia. Of home.

It was bringing a memory back. One that he was glad to find for once. Even if It wasn’t a completely happy one.

_“what are they saying?” Bucky mused to himself, sitting on the stairs with Steve. “Do you know?” _

_“I just said she spoke it and shit I didn’t say I understood it.” Steve answered in a smartass way. _

_Their moms were talking in that language in the kitchen below. It was in the middle of the night and an unusual time for a visit. But it was an unusual situation. Bucky shifted slightly on his perch, the wooden steps digging into a sort spot. He had a few tonight and it was the reason he was here instead of home. _

_It was the reason his mother had her rosary beads on the table and was talking to Sarah Rogers in language. And Bucky knew he was at fault for this. If he’d just listened and behaved his mother wouldn’t be upset right now. _

_“So what happened to you anyways?” Steve asked for the second time that night, his bright blue curious. “You look like shit.. I mean more than usual.” _

_“Fuck you punk.” Bucky replied, shoving him a little, but not hard enough to push him down the stairs. “I had an accident.” _

_That was one way of putting it he supposed. _

_Steve narrowed his eyes as if not accepting this explanation from his best friend, who not that accident prone. “Sure you did.” Was his reply. “That’s what I tell my ma all the time.” _

_“It’s not a big deal punk.” He’d said, looking over at Steve, who looked like if he took a big bad wolf breath he’d go flying down the stairs. “Just drop it.” _

_He hadn’t wanted to talk about it. It was still pretty fresh and not while his ma was clearly upset. And he was trying to listen, trying to decipher what they were saying. And why that language sounding so soft and comforting to him here. Especially when his ears were still ringing from earlier. _

_They could see where they were sitting, Sarah’s hand on the other woman’s comfortingly. It sounded like they were praying for a moment in that pretty language and Bucky felt a pang that he’d caused all of this upset._

_“He can stay here for a while Winnie.” Sarah said in English now, clear up to them. “Until things calm down. I got plenty of room it’s just me an Steve.” _

_“Thank you.” Bucky heard his mom say, her tone emotional. “It means a lot.” _

_Bucky looked at Steve and smiled a little, with a tinge of sadness. “Guess I’m staying for a bit.” _

_The boys barely had a minute to register this when their moms came into the hall and Sarah called out to them. “I know you’ve been listening.” She told them, and they looked at each other, like ‘how did she know that?’ kind of looks before coming down. “So come on down.” _

_Bucky remembered his mother hugging him right then, and it hurt a little causing him to wince. “I love you Jimmy.” She told him, tears in her eyes that matched his for color. “You’re gonna stay here with Sarah and Steve for while until.. it’s better.” _

_“Okay mama.” He’d replied, watching as she put her hand on his face for a moment. “I’m sorry.” _

_“Don’t be sorry.” She told him, holding his face now. “It’s not your fault.” _

Bucky felt a hand on his shoulder and was pulled right for this memory at this moment by Wanda. Who must’ve noticed the look on his face. His eyes shining from the memory. One he’d lost for so long and now here it was, brought back by a song sung in that language he hadn’t heard in decades.

“Are you okay?” Wanda asked with concern, looking around to see if anything could’ve triggered this reaction. “What happened?”

He’d had a flash-back, not one that terrified him but informed him and made him sad. But his body treated it as a ‘normal’ one. In fact he realized he’d been out of it for several minutes actually because the song was over. He’d just.. zone out.

“I don’t know..” He answered honestly, blinking and looking around. “I think so.”

She put her hands on his face, a lot like his mother had in the memory. “You look like you saw a ghost.”

“I did.” He told her, with a sad smile forming on his face. “A couple actually.”

Wanda looked at him strangely, her hands still on his face, as if she could almost see what he’d seen in his vision. And maybe she could. Or at least sense it. “Maybe I should take you home.”

He shook his head at that. “Not yet.” He said with firmness and held up the CD. “First of all I’m buying this. And second, we got more stuff to get right?” He put his hand on her arm and sort of stepped back. “So we should do that.”

“But Bucky you. You look..”

“You said we needed a few things right?” He asked her, putting the CD in his basket. “This is already helping, and I think I just need a little more help kid.” He gave her one of his best smiles. “I’m okay I swear.”

Or at least he would be once he put it all together at home. For now, he wanted to finish this excursion and get what he needed to help him unlock the rest.

“Okay but if I see any sign you’re under any stress we are going home.” Wanda said adamantly as they cashed out. “You got that?”

“Yes ma’am.” Bucky replied, thinking it was cute when she got all Momma bear on him like that. “So where to next?”

Wanda looked a little apprehensive at first, but Bucky’s strangely relaxed demeanor seemed to calm her a little. “I was thinking the pet store actually.” She told him as he continued shopping. “I saw the cutest thing I know Arya would love..”

“Oh my God.” Bucky said with another roll of the eyes. “Stop spoiling my cat she’s got enough toys.”

“I will never stop spoiling that little munchkin.” She said in a cutesy voice. “And trust me.. she doesn’t have this.”

Bucky looked at her dubiously, but it turned out she was right. They ended up getting the item in question as a result of that. And made some other stops along the way as well. And was, for the moment at least, feeling relaxed enough to let his guard down and enjoy the day with one of his best friends for a while.

\--

Steve got home to the sound of some different kind of music coming out of the window of the house. From the art room to be exact. Bucky was upstairs most likely painting, but the sound of that music was different, and strangely familiar at the same time.

He’d had a lot to catch up to at the compound and felt a bit tired. Never mind that he’d had to do a little shopping and lunch with Nat in the middle, it had felt like he’d been out all day. Putting the bags down with a heavy sigh he started putting them away, not sure why the music he was hearing was penetrating his mind and making him think of his mom. It seemed like a weird time for that.

“Welcome home punk.” He heard Bucky say from behind him and turned to see him standing at the bottom of the stairs. “How was your day?”

He had been painting Steve could see, simply by the paint on his fingers and on the side of his face where he’d clearly absently pushed some hair out of his face. He had on a dark-blue Brooklyn t-shirt with a pair of faded jeans with his hair tied back and as always managed to look splendid. Didn’t matter what he was wearing he always did. And the cat sitting by his slipper clad feet, completing the picture.

“Better now that I see you jerk.” He answered, unable to help the smile. “Got some new music?”

“Uh huh. Among other things” Bucky answered and motioned toward the big bag Steve had put on the floor. “What’s that?”

“It’s for the mural remember?” Steve told him, grinning even more. “Found a frame.”

Bucky rolled his eyes cutely. “You’re seriously gonna put it in the living room.” He said and shook his head. “Where we have company.”

“Yes jerk.” Steve said as he walked over and put an arm around Bucky’s waist. “Right there.”

“Alright.” Bucky said with an exaggerated sigh. “When you’re done with that I got something to show you.”

Steve looked in his eyes as he wrapped him in his other arms and saw what looked like an almost peaceful look. Like he’d either figured something out or was in the process of it. And he was curious as to what it was. And whether it had to do with that hauntingly familiar music coming in from upstairs.

“You do?” He asked, pulling him closer and getting his fingers into that hair a little. “How interesting.”

Bucky rubbed his nose against Steve’s and then their lips were together for a soft welcome home kiss. He missed him when he was out. They’d spent so much time together in Hawaii that it was like separation anxiety to be away from each other for too long. He’d realized that way probably because he’d been hospitalized nearly died that they were like that. Whatever it was, once they were in each other’s vicinity these days it was hard to stay out of each other’s personal space.

They pulled back and stood with their faces together for a moment just like that. “You got paint in your hair again jerk.” Steve said softly to him, playing with it absently. “May have to wash your hair again tonight.”

Bucky seemed to bite his lip cutely at that and stepped back slightly. “Maybe later punk.” He said, flipping his eyes up at him. “For now, how about we put up the mural and I’ll show you what’s upstairs.”

The mural was put up, Bucky still scowling a little about it, but even he had to admit it looked great over their couch. It looked like an abstract thing you’d buy at a museum, but they’d created it together. Including Arya, who was absent, Steve noted. Probably still asleep upstairs. Like a typical cat she slept a lot actually.

“I guess it looks alright.” Bucky mused, standing next to Steve with his arms crossed. “I still say we need some real art though.”

Steve put his hand on Bucky’s back and patted him. “This is real art jerk, stop being a cynic.”

“Can’t help my nature punk.”

“Okay I’ll give you that.” Steve told him and looked up to the sound of that music still going upstairs. “So you gonna show what you’re up to now?”

Bucky grabbed his hand pulled him as he walked backwards. “Come on.” He said and tossed his hair in that sassy way of his.

The music got louder as they went up the stairs and it was, in fact, coming from the art room like he suspected. And as he got closer, he realized why he recognized it. It was Celtic music, and old song that he remembered his mother singing once or twice, maybe more. It was apparently an entire CD of old Celtic songs.

_“Of all the money that e'er I had  
I spent it in good company  
And all the harm I've ever done  
Alas it was to none but me  
And all I've done for want of wit  
To mem'ry now I can't recall  
So fill to me the parting glass  
Good night and joy be to you all”_

If that wasn’t enough to get his memory going what Bucky showed him next did the trick. As the song played in the background, he pulled off the cover of his painting and Steve actually had to sit down because if he didn’t, he might pass out.

It was painting of the kitchen of house where he’d grown up, seen from the stairs. Through the light in the kitchen you could see the hands of two women clasped together. On the table was a set of rosary beads and a bottle of wine. He knew who the women were instantly, the memory filling his head and he looked at Bucky in shock as he stood there, and the song played on behind them.

_“Of all the comrades that e'er I had  
They're sorry for my going away  
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had  
They'd wish me one more day to stay  
But since it fell unto my lot  
That I should rise and you should not  
I gently rise and softly call.. _

_Good night and joy be to you all..” _

“It kept coming back to me.” Bucky said he stood there, watching Steve’s reaction to this. “And it was broken up like all my memories were.. and when I listened to the music it just came back and.. I finished the painting.”

“This is what you were concentrating so hard on?” Steve asked, looking up at him. “You were trying to put it together.”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, looking at the painting as if surprised he could paint something like this. It was stunning in its detail. It reminded Steve of the one of him on the roof. The clarity and softness of a true memory and not a perception of himself. He could see the rings his mother wore. Her wedding ring that she’d never taken off, and Celtic one as well. The beads in the rosary and the dishes in the sink. That Bucky could remember these details after everything that had been done to his head was a miracle in of itself. And Steve knew he’d given himself several headaches trying to remember.

Steve himself was remembering something about that night too. That Bucky had shown up late at their house with a split lip and a twisted ankle. And hadn’t been forthcoming about what had happened. Sarah had fixed him up and called his mother and she’d shown up as well, looking upset and disheveled herself.

He remembered how they’d listened from the stairs as they talked in Gaelic, both of them of Celtic descent. Bucky’s mom more Scottish and Steve’s more Irish but both knew the language and had bonded and become friends. But Steve had questions then and questions now, because Bucky had stayed at his house for a week and never explained why. At least not in way that sounded like the truth.

“What happened that night Buck?” Steve asked, looking up at him. “You never told me.” He searched his face as he did, seeing it pinch a little. “You just said you had an accident”

Bucky’s face did a little tick he’d seen before. Many times actually. “It was an accident.”

“Didn’t look like one.” Steve told him. “Looked like you were in a fight.”

“It was a long time ago Steve.” He replied, looking away and crossing his arms. “It doesn’t matter now.”

But it did. It felt like something important had been left out of the story. And Steve could understand him not remembering things from then clearly. Hydra had messed up his memories pretty badly to the point where it was struggled to put them back together, but he got the sense that Bucky remembered this incident now ant that it was important. It was a missing piece to the puzzle.

“It is important.” He told him, reaching out to take Bucky’s flesh hand and entwine their fingers together. “You’ve been holding onto it for a long time.”

“I forgot about it Steve.” Bucky replied, still looking at the painting with that far away look. “Like a lot of things.”

“But it’s back now Buck.” Steve said softly, pulling Bucky closer to him. “And you showed me this for a reason.. why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky said as he bit his lower lip and for a second and looked back at him. “Maybe I just wanted you to see it.”

Steve crossed his own arms at that. “You can do better than that.”

“I remembered our moms talking and I painted it.” Bucky said with a little more sharpness in his voice now. “Thought you would’ve like to have seen it.” His eyes seemed to get a warning look to them. “Whatever else happened that night.. just let it go.”

Bucky then got up from where he was leaning and went to walk by Steve, and he put his arm on the metal one to stop him. “Where you going?” He asked as Bucky turned his head to look at the hand on his arm.

“I’m getting a fucking drink.” Bucky sort of hissed at him. “Do I have your permission for that _Captain?”_

The way he said it wasn’t cutesy but sarcastic in tone and Steve knew he had let him go and trust him, knowing when he was like this it was better to just let him go before it turned into something. He’d been tense since he’d gotten back, and it seemed like the slightest thing could turn him from happy and playful to ornery very fast. Whatever this was he’d remembered it was not something he wanted to talk about clearly.

“No you don’t.” He said in a quiet voice. “Do what you gotta do.”

Bucky seemed to search him for a moment, that hard look still on his face, before departing and going downstairs. And Steve decided to wait a little bit before following him and trying again. Instead he stood there with his hands on hips and turned to look at the painting. Which was gorgeous and seemed to fill him with melancholy. Remembering his mom always did. With her blue eyes that he’d inherited and the occasional slip of an Irish brogue when she got animated.

“_So fill to me the parting glass_..” the song went on behind him and he could remember her voice singing it sometimes. She had a beautiful singing voice he remembered and felt the hitch in chest.

And wondered what Bucky remembered at this point and why he was so reluctant to talk about it. Even now.

After a moment to collect himself from his own memory he decided to go downstairs to try again. To keep him from clamming up again when they’d come so far. But before he did it, he heard a little meow and looked down under Bucky’s painting chair and finally saw Arya, he little face sticking up from underneath it. And saw what she was sitting in.

It was a little hammock strapped to each leg of the chair and it was adorable. He smiled at it, knowing Wanda had something to do with this too.

Bending down he petted her as she turned around in it and got more comfortable. “Don’t worry little girl.” He cooed as she blinked at him. “I’ll take care of Daddy.. you just enjoy your new bed.”

Getting up, he turned and went downstairs, feeling a bit more together and relaxed. To go talk to his husband and see he would talk as well, with that music following him down the stairs.

_“Good night and joy be with you all..” _

\--

Bucky sat at the kitchen table with the whiskey bottle in front of him. He had no idea when he’d bought it or how old it was. Not that it mattered, the stuff never went bad. It could be 100 years old for he knew.

His dad had drank whisky often as well. It was his drink of choice too. He hadn’t been able to sleep well and always seemed to need something to help him along. Remembering the walls were thin in their home and his dad had nightmares too. His mother said they were from the war. The Great War. The one that was supposed to end all wars but didn’t obviously or Bucky wouldn’t have been in the mess he was now. Would never have run into Hydra and the hell they brought to him.

He looked at the bottle and just poured some in his glass and downed it, the familiar burn in his throat as he did. Lamenting the fact sometimes that he couldn’t get drunk but could still take the edge off of things sometimes.

Sitting there, he didn’t know why he’d been so reluctant to answer Steve’s question. What harm could it do now to tell him the truth about that night when they were kids. He hadn’t wanted to burden Steve then. But now? Why was he holding onto it when he’d told him so many other horrible things?

Because it was one of those very old, very deep scars that’s why. And he wished he’d never remembered it to be honest.

_You better grow up boy_.. his dad had told him, with the smell of the very same whiskey on his breath. _Life isn’t a game.. _

His dad had been right about that. Nearly 10 years later Bucky himself would leave for war as well. And didn’t come for a long time. He drank a little more of the whiskey with a shaking hand as those horrors flashed through his head yet again.

He was barely two months removed from nearly dying again at the hands of one of his tormenters, and not even a month away from having testifying to everything on the world’s stage and he was feeling it all over again. And this memory didn’t help his stress level. But something inside him told him he needed to get it out as well. That bringing everything to light, meant bringing, well, everything.

“You ready to talk now?” He heard Steve say from behind him. “Or do you need a little more of that?”

Bucky put his glass down and turned to him, feeling like an asshole all over again. “I think I’m good now.” He told him and pulled out another glass. “And I’m willing to share.”

Steve took the glass from him and poured a little himself. He didn’t drink that much these days but didn’t seem to mind having a little. Bucky watched him sit and drink some of it, smiling as he thought of him when they were younger, practically choking on it then but insisting on having more until he had to carry him home once or twice.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just remembering how much of a lightweight you were punk.” Bucky recalled, shaking his head. “Literally and figuratively.” He smiled in a nostalgic kind of way. “It was kinda adorable actually.”

“Yeah I know.” Steve said smiling himself, looking at his glass. “You on the other hand..”

“I guess I got it from my dad, cause my mom never touched the stuff.” Bucky mused, swishing the liquor around his glass a little. “He could really put it down.”

Steve seemed to look surprised at this. “I thought he didn’t drink.” He said in a questioning way. “At least that’s impression I always got.”

“That’s cause he stopped after a while.” Bucky told him, staring at the whiskey in his glass. “He had nightmares.. my mom said he.. saw ghosts..” He pinched his face a little. “Because of the war.. so he drank to quite his mind.” He chuckled a little and looked at. “Sound familiar?”

Steve nodded. “He had PTSD?” It really wasn’t question Bucky knew.

“Yeah I guess so.” He answered, pouring a little more into his cup. “Only then they didn’t know what it was or how to treat it so.. most guys just sucked it up and just drank I suppose.”

“You never told me that.” Steve said softly. “Why?”

“We were kids what was I supposed to say?” He asked him, turning to him. “Hi I’m Bucky and by the way my Dad’s nuts wanna come over?”

“You know what I mean Buck.”

“I know Steve it was just.. not something you talked about that’s all.” He said and put down some more whiskey. “It was a family thing.” He took a heavy breath. “A secret you know?”

It had amazed Bucky how well he’d learned to keep secrets. To hid them and compartmentalize over the course of his life. His father’s illness as well his relationship with Steve. He’d gotten really good at putting one image out front and hiding the other from view. The fact that he’d forgotten about this particular thing was not surprising because he’d buried it deeply before Hydra had ever gotten a hold of him.

“Did he do that to you?” Steve asked, putting the question out there now. “Is that why you came over that night?”

Bucky looked up over his glass and straight ahead into the wall, not wanting to answer that but knew he had to at this point. The Celtic music upstairs was still playing in his ears and seemed to organize his thoughts in a way that made it easier to say it.

“It only happened once Steve.” He admitted, continued to stare straight ahead. “You need to understand that. “ It seemed important to make this clear to him, he didn’t understand why. “He’d disciplined me before yes but that was different this was.. he was in a bad way it was.. the wrong time for me to be late coming home.”

He told him he remembered that he’d gotten home way later than he’d said, after dark and once he’d gotten there his mother had worried and in tears. Brooklyn wasn’t exactly the safest place at night for a kid, even one as streetwise as Bucky so he guessed he could understand the worry there. But it was his father’s reaction that had been surprising and frightening to him at such a young age.

“He was drunk that night, and out of work because well.. everyone was remember?” He continued, knowing Steve knew what he meant. “Guess he was having a bad day because he just grabbed me by my hair and started on me with the belt like he did when he’d punish me before but it was.. different. He was never angry when he punished me before but he was this time. And my mom, she tried to stop him and he pushed her and I just got angry said something.. can’t remember what but it was the wrong thing.”

His father had never hit him before or since. Disciplined yes, but never hit him like that. Or his mother or sisters. He’d often told Bucky to never hit a girl. To always treat women with respect and he’d remembered that to this day. You didn’t strike woman it was that simple. Sons were another matter. Boys needed guidance and discipline or they would run wild. So he’d accepted the punishment without complaint, even if this time it was in anger. But it was when he saw him shove his mother like that that he’d remembered wat he’d been told. He’d yelled something and maybe even lashed out, resulted in a smack to the face he could still feel to this day.

_Honor thy mother and fathe_r and _spare the rod, spoil the child_ were to idioms he’d heard a lot when he was a kid. It was just how it was. But this was very, very different.

“I think it must’ve scared him too cause he just froze like he.. couldn’t believe he’d done it you know?” Bucky went on telling Steve, who refilled his drink without a word for him during that time. “It was enough time for me to just, get the hell out of there and I guess when I jumped from the fire escape I twisted my ankle and didn’t realize it until I got to your house.” He ran his hands through his hair nervously and down and down over his face. “I didn’t think I just.. ran..”

The memory had come back so fully he could even remember how fuzzy his head was and how scared he was. How Sarah had taken one look at his face and pulled him inside without question and immediately treated his injuries before calling his home. He couldn’t even tell her what had happened just said some babble about being worried about his mom.

“I think that’ what my mom and your mom were talking about that night, in that language.” He said to Steve, allowing himself to meet his eyes for the first time in the confession. “About what happened, about me and my dad.. they were friends and my needed someone to talk to because she never… talked me about it ever.. no one in my family ever talked about it again actually.. once I came back home that was.” He bit his lip and looked back down at his drink. “It was like it never happened.”

He put his hands together in front of his face, almost like a prayer style, thumbs on his chin, eyes closed. Trying to figure out why he was remembering it now, after all this time. Why his mind held it back and determined that now was a good time. Because he didn’t want this one, at least not that part of it. Would’ve rather it had stayed gone, because it hurt like hell to think about it.

He felt Steve’s hand on his flesh one and entwine their fingers together in a gesture of comfort. “It wasn’t your fault Buck.” He said softly to him. “You know that right?”

“I know.” Bucky said, taking another drink because he just needed to. “But it wasn’t his either.” He looked hard into Steve’s eyes. “He was sick like I am.. he wasn’t trying to hurt me it was just.. you know..”

He felt like a kid making excuses, but he needed Steve to understand that too. He’d seen a lot of other people at the VA besides himself, who’d hurt people they cared about because they’d been so messed up they didn’t realize they were doing it until it was too late.

Thinking about how he’d hurt Steve so many times, had nearly killed him on occasion and it hurt like hell to know he was that screwed up. And that he still felt capable of doing it even now.

“I know Buck but you were just a kid.” Steve told him, squeezing his hand. “He could’ve killed you.”

“And I could’ve killed you Steve.” Bucky told him with a little more force. “Remember?” He felt a soft tremble go through him. “I still worry sometimes I’m gonna wake up with my hand on your throat again, and maybe it’ll too late this time.”

There it was for him though, the fear that he still held in him sometimes that that would happen. Yeah he had control over the Winter Soldier now and that part of him wouldn’t hurt Steve but Bucky was still afraid deep down that he would relapse and hurt him. Or worse. It came out once and a while, and a bit more lately, after everything that had happened recently.

“It’s not gonna happen Buck.” Steve reassured him, reaching up to touch his face now. “You have control over it now.”

“My Dad probably thought he did too” Bucky countered, looking back down at his glass. “Until he didn’t.” He drank a little more, his hand shaking slightly. “It’s so… easy to lose your grip.”

He looked at Steve, thinking he would cut his own arm off before hurting him again. Remembering his father embracing that one and only time after he’d come back. How he’d tried to let it go but was still afraid and would wince at sudden moves by him for a long time. It had never truly been the same between them. Both of them moving around each other warily, living in secret fear for very different reasons.

He saw reflections of it now in himself. What if he lost his grip on himself and screwed this up? That fear was hard to ignore. It had teeth. Sharp ones.

“You don’t know what its like to scared of yourself.” He said reaching for the bottle again. “I’m just saying.”

He watched as Steve used his other hand to take his glass out of his hand and put it aside. There was something about the gesture that seemed almost protective. He’d remembered his mom sometimes taking his father’s drink away just like that. As if to say ‘now put that away and stop hurting yourself’. Which may have been exactly what it was. And he’d remembered that his father hadn’t gotten angry about that, just got soft and looked thankful. Like he himself felt right now.

It was a much better parallel he thought to himself.

“I think you’ve had enough.” Steve said and took Bucky’s other hand to pull him away from the table and the liquor. “Come on.” He put his arm around Bucky’s waist and took his other hand. “Dance with me.”

Bucky felt surprised for a moment, not expecting this. “Right now?” He asked, looking at his feet. “I dunno I feel a little dizzy.”

“I’ll hold you up.. don’t worry.” He was told as he was pulled closer. “I got you.”

There was still music playing from upstairs. Quiet music from a female singer. Bucky thought he name might’ve been Enya but he wasn’t sure on that. All he knew was that it was quiet and relaxing. And even thought he did, intend, feel dizzy, he knew Steve would hold him up. And he was reminded, in a sweet way of they they’d danced in their little apartment sometimes and let himself be carried away by that memory instead.

_“Only take the time  
From the helter skelter  
Every day you find  
Everything's in kilter  
You don't need a reason  
Let the day go on and on”_

Wanda was right, this was good music, it was having the desired effect on him today.

“At least you don’t have to stand on my feet anymore punk.” Bucky mused, leaning his face against Steve’s. “You’d probably break my toes now.”

Steve nuzzled his nose with his. “You can stand on mine instead jerk.” He whispered. “If you want.”

He let his own toes rest on Steve’s now, not because he didn’t know how to dance or was incapable, just because he wanted to. The noses of his favorite bunny slippers resting on Steve’s own simple slippers. It had the desired effect of making his dizziness and earlier distress go away and just let the music take him away for a while.

\--

Steve had learned a lot about Bucky over the years, and one of the things he’d learned was how much didn’t know sometimes. He’d known him since they were kids and thought he’d known everything, but he hadn’t. And thought this wasn’t terrible at all, it was wonderful to keep learning all the time.

Even if some of those things weren’t pleasant.

The revelation about his father had been one of those things. Something he’d had an inkling of something off there. But the totality of the problem early on had been understated. And the most interesting thing he’d learned was that was his own mother had known of it. Which might have been why Bucky had been such a staple at their house. Other than the fact that he and Steve were thicker than thieves that was.

Sarah Rogers understood the sometimes unstable situation at the Barnes home and helped keep a protective eye on Bucky as well over the years. Even though she’d had her hands full with her own son. The things he was learning about the two most important people in his life that he didn’t know before were incredible.

He still wasn’t sure if he fully believed Bucky when he said it had been a one-time thing, but also thought that even if hadn’t, that Bucky had to believe it. To convince himself in some way that that was the case and he certainly wasn’t going to question it. Bucky had been through enough in his life and had pulled a tremendous amount of pain out of him to reveal these things to him over the years and that was enough in Steve’s mind.

He wanted him to continue to get stronger and have peace even if it meant he had to believe certain things to help himself cope.

So after their dance, and Bucky had steadied himself from the liquor, they were back upstairs in the art room, where Bucky was touching up the painting and listening to that beautiful music again. Dabbing paint here and there with his hair tied and those slippers on. With the cat sitting in that hammock under the chair, snoozing the day away. And Steve just took out his sketch pad and drew him again because, well, he was his favorite subject.

“Don’t you bored with the same subject Rogers?”

Steve looked up and saw Bucky turned in his chair and smiling at him with his arms crossed. “Never.” He answered, smiling back at him. “Nothing out there as perfect a subject as you jerk.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and put his paintbrush down, before getting up and walking over. Steve couldn’t help but stair at the way he looked in that t-shirt and jeans, almost framed by the late afternoon sun. It almost gave him an aura he just put his pencil down as this spectacular sight steeping between his open legs and put his hands in his hair.

“I’m far from perfect punk.” Bucky said as he looked down, those teal blue eyes almost shining. “But I do like hearing you say that I have to admit.”

Steve wrapped his hands around Bucky’s waist and looked up at him, feeling those metal fingers play in his hair before bending slightly to kiss him. He let his fingers sort slide a little under the t-shirt to feel the warm skin underneath.

“You done with the painting?” Steve asked they pulled their lips apart

“Yeah.” Bucky replied, turning his head slightly. “I think so.”

“Feel better?”

Bucky seemed to think about this as he climbed onto Steve’s lap, letting his legs dangle on either side. “As good as I’m gonna feel I guess.” He mused, looping his arms around Steve’s neck. “Considering.”

“Considering what?”

“Steve what I told you earlier.. it’s nothing compared to what you’re gonna hear.” Bucky said and paused as if to gather himself. “At the trial I mean.” He leaned his head against Steve’s and closed his eyes. “I mean you know a lot but… you don’t know everything.”

“I know.” He replied softy, playing with his hair again. His favorite pastime. “But I can handle it.”

“I’m sure you can.” Bucky said, biting his lip. “I’m just saying it won’t be pretty that’s all.”

“I don’t care how bad it is Buck.” He said to him, holding his face and looking in his eyes. “I’m gonna be there for all of it.” He held his face against his and looked in his eyes. “I’m gonna make up for all the times I wasn’t.”

Bucky shook his head at that. “You silly punk.” He said, putting his hand on Steve’s face. Both of them, even the metal one, was warm and soft. “You don’t got anything to make up for so stop saying that.”

He still felt like he did. Thinking of all the times he wasn’t there. All the ways he could’ve eased his pain by simply protecting him better. The Bucky had always done for him. All the times he’d waded in when Steve got in over his head and all the other times he’d just been there in general and Steve sometimes felt inadequate to that. Probably always would be.

And he knew deep down, that Bucky was right. He was going to hear a lot of things. And it would be painful. But he would make himself listen to all of it. To fully share the burden like they always did with each other. 

“Are you even listening to me dork?” Bucky said with a hint of sass. “Cause you got that dumb look on your face again.”

“You’re such an asshole.” Steve told him, getting a grip on his ass as he stood up, lifting him with him. “Someone should teach you some manners.”

Bucky wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips and nipped his neck. “Manners are overrated Captain.” He purred against his neck. “Besides you like that I’m an asshole I know you do.”

He actually did. Quite a bit. There had always been something about Bucky’s sarcasm his feistiness that been a major factor in their attraction. Just as he was sure his own bull-headed stubbornness and some of his old-fashioned sensibility had an appeal for Bucky. They’d always pretended these traits had annoyed each other when in reality they were actually some of things that drawn them to each other the first place.

“Well I’ve liked a challenge Sergeant Barnes.” He told him, holding him up with just one hand, using the other to get a good handful his hair. “Wouldn’t be any fun otherwise.”

There was that look in Bucky’s eyes again that just set him on fire. The hooded eyes and open lips, tongue touching the lower slightly. Those teal blues had that mischievous gleam that he recognized from way back when they were kids. The one that said trouble was about ensue. He loved that look then and he loved it now. Because there was no trace of anything else.

He kissed him hard then, gripping his hair even tighter, tongues moving urgently against the other. His other hand gripping Bucky right around his ass, holding him up effortlessly as he did, yet leaning back against the doorframe to stabilize himself.

Bucky was wrapped around and clutching Steve like he was climbing a tree. There was something about that was perfection, and almost full circle. Steve had remembered doing the same thing to him when they were younger as well. Especially when he was feeling particularly possessive of him, like after some girl had flirted with him on the outside, which happened a lot. Steve would get him inside and literally climb on him just like this. Reminding Bucky of who he truly belonged to, as if he ever had doubts. He sensed this in Bucky by the way he gripped onto him with his arms and legs in that same possessive way.

It said _Mine_… and there was something about that was just so strangely comforting.

“Take me to bed punk.” Bucky growled against his lips softly, fingers flexing into his arms almost painfully. “Now.”

Steve smiled as he pulled his lips away. “As you wish jerk..”

On said bed he watched as Bucky sat on top of him, straddling his legs with his own. He then took Steve’s hand and flattened them on the bed, holding them there as he looked down at him. Looking equal parts playful and serious at the same time.

“Before we continue we need to talk.” He said with a hint of sternness in his voice. “Because I don’t think you were listening to me before.”

Steve looked up at him, seeing his hair falling out of the hair tie and starting to surround his face beautifully and waiting to get his hands in it. To ge them on him again. But they were restrained and Bucky looked pretty serious about keeping in that way for the moment.

“Well I’m listening now.” Steve told him, searching his eyes. “So talk to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ran a lot longer than I expected it to for some reason but there was a few issues to address so I decided to let it go until it reached its proper, rather abrupt conclusion. 
> 
> There wasn't as much smut in this one because it was based more psychologically, and much more about the emotional intimacy. So that was a necessary evil but that wont last forever i promise ;)
> 
> So first of all, a reader brought the issue of topping in Bucky's case and it's been said for as long as i've been writing this, that they weren't always that one-sided. They were essentially switches before all this, little Steve showing a dominant side which I always thought was an adorable concept. But Bucky has had an inability and/or reluctance to go the other way since his return, but this chapter sort of starts delving into the complicated reasons why. Which I do like to explore because sooner or later he'll overcome that block I can assure you. 
> 
> I really like sort of delving into the past with them, and into the Barnes family dynamic, which we don't know a lot about. I doubt there was much in the comics but the MCU is very scarce on his earlier outside of his friendship with Steve so it leaves a lot of room for many writers to sort of create their own canon from which i've seen. Which is sort of what was created here as well. So I do take some artistic license but try to keep it within my canon aspects. 
> 
> The Celtic/Gaelic background of both their moms is something like that for me. It was nice touch to have them both be able to communicate that way, but also to portray a necessary friendship between two woman living in hard times and show how that influence affected both their sons as well and adds a rich layer to their relationship as well. 
> 
> The idea of Bucky's father suffering from some sort of PTSD, long before it was well understood is sort of one of those things that popped into my head one day. The idea that Bucky might not remember this fully yet with his memory issues made it easier to introduce as well. That it plays into his personality and his won fears about himself seem relevant enough after all the trauma he just went through. There are many layers to this that do some depth to the story, sometimes that things aren't always as they seem to be. And I do like the correlation of Bucky's occasional attempts to dull himself with the alcohol because that's what his father and a lot of others did back then and sometimes it's heard to get out of that mindset. 
> 
> This chapter was deliberately left off like it was because there is more to be said on that subject and others raised in this one so I hope you all have some patience with that :)
> 
> The idea of music like what Bucky is listening to (along with the Celtic roots) was actually something I was discussing with a longtime reader and we came up some interesting thoughts and headcanon's on the type of music to use for this. It does have a calming effect to listen to things like this believe me. 
> 
> For the record, the two songs quoted in this chapter were "The Parting Glass" an old Celtic folk song which has been covered by various artists (even on the The Walking Dead at one point) and "WildChlild" by Enya if anyone is interested in those songs. 
> 
> Btw cat hammocks do exist, and I wish I'd known about it when I had my cats because I would've invested in it myself. 
> 
> And the title 'Homecoming' which was as we know, one of Bucky's words, had a slightly different meaning in this chapter as you can see. I like using those words occasionally in different ways and this one example. 
> 
> The next chapter does not have a working title yet, but I can tell you it continues with the theme of this one, at least through the first half, and will also feature Bucky starting to prepare for his testimony as well, so look for some heavy angst coming again but it all leads to very good things :)
> 
> And once again thank you for your lovely comments and I hope you all are doing well <3<3<3


	19. The Good Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork for chapter on my tumblr (of the same username)

He sat that, his hands on Steve’s wrists and for a moment was at a loss for words. He knew what he was going to say not even a minute ago but for some reason it went away like smoke on a breez And in that pause while he was thinking about it, Bucky heard a distant rumble of thunder through the open window. A spring storm on its way.

He could feel it coming in his bones too. The ache that came with low pressure.

“I thought you had something to say?” Steve asked, shifting slightly under Bucky’s weight. “Or were you just stalling jerk?”

‘Shut up punk.” Bucky replied, not unkindly, just because it was distracting him. “I’m getting to it.”

He’d recalled what Steve had said earlier, about the trial, before he’d sweetly been distracted by, well, Steve grabbing him by his ass and lifting him up. Bucky could never help himself when Steve did that, getting himself all riled up and turned on. It had momentarily distracted him from what he was trying to say but now he knew.

“It’s just I.. I don’t think you understand what your gonna hear at this trial.” Bucky finally said, looking down into Steve’s blue eyes. “I mean you’re gonna hear everything Steve.” He bit his lip and shifted himself. “Things I haven’t told you yet.. and there’s a lot I haven’t told you.”

“I know Buck.” Steve answered, giving him that damn look again. “I can handle it okay?”

“Can you though?” He asked, letting go of his hands finally. “Cause I’m not sure about that.” He ran his flesh hand through his hair, using the metal one to brace himself on Steve’s chest. “I mean after the Colonel and all.. he got in your head and I’m afraid that’ll happen again.”

Steve’s fear and doubts had been a sticking point then and he didn’t want it to happen again. Steve had a hard enough time with what he did know sometimes. And enough guilt over the fact that it did happen to fill the Pacific Ocean. It worried him, the effect it would have on Steve’s mental state if had to hear every terrible detail of the torture and abuse inflicted on him over the years.

“Do you not want me there?” Steve asked him, resting his hands on Bucky’s hips. “Is that what it is?”

Quite frankly the idea of Steve not being was more terrifying than what he might hear. Bucky hated to feel weak and needy like that, but if he didn’t have him there, he wasn’t sure he could do it either. The very idea of that sent a shiver through him, that was compounded by the cool breeze coming in as the sky darkened and the thunder grew louder.

“I didn’t say that.” He answered after a moment. “I’m just worried about you that’s all.”

“Bucky, I meant it when I said ‘for better or worse’ you know?” Steve told him, rubbing his hips gently. “When I make a promise, I keep it.”

“Yeah well I made one too punk.” He told him, putting his hands on Steve’s face. “I promised your ma I’d look after you.. in every way.” He leaned forward a little. “And I meant that too.”

Steve slid his hand up and down his back softly, causing his eyes to close for a moment. “I know Buck.” He said in an equally soft voice. “But you don’t have to protect me from that.”

He lowered his head for a moment, knowing that he still did, even if Steve didn’t want him to. From that and from other things too. A memory of his father striking him flashed in his head and then a fractured memory of hitting Steve in the carrier that time bounced back and forth together. Memories of his hand around his neck more than once. And a loud crack of thunder to punctuate it as it started to rain as well.

Steve must’ve seen something on his face, or maybe just the slight pinch on his face at the sound of the thunder. Because he got a look of concern on his face. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing it’s just..’ He started and paused, biting his lip again and pulling his hands back to rest on his shoulders. “I just don’t think I did a very good job of looking after you that’s all.”

“Bucky you did fine.” Steve told him, letting his own hand slide to Bucky’s face and brush his hair back. “Considering how much of a pain in the ass I was.. always getting into fights and shit.”

Bucky averted his eyes to the window, seeing the curtains start to blow outward as the rain and wind increased. “I hurt you.” He said, keeping his voice calm. “I almost killed you.. more than once.”

“You weren’t yourself.” Steve reminded him, trying to turn his face back to him. “You didn’t mean it.”

“Neither did my father.” Bucky said turning back to him with what he knew must’ve been haunted eyes. “But it still happened and.. you can’t take that back.”

As he said this, there was a violent crack of thunder accompanied by a bright flash of lightning very close. The power flickered and went out, the house going dark. And if wasn’t for the open window they wouldn’t be able to see anything. Considering how dark the sky was it wasn’t much.

It was very late in the afternoon after all and the sun had been on its way down. And this was a problem. A real problem.

Because Bucky still didn’t care for pitch blackness. The dark was okay as long as there was a little light. Steve had always said Bucky had eyes like a cat so he could see just fine. But when it was pitch black it was still terrifying to him even now. Because when they’d lock him in his room in Siberia, there were no lights. Nothing but blackness.

It was just him and his thoughts and it was terrifying.

He was glad Steve couldn’t see his face right now because he’d see it clearly. The trembling and rising anxiety of the idea that, if the power didn’t get on before night completely fell, it would be that dark. And the thing was he felt ashamed of this, like a little kid afraid of the dark. Even if he had good reason to be.

“Shit.” Steve said out loud and Bucky could feel him sit up. “Looks like the whole damn town is out.”

There were hardly any lights to be seen. Manhattan, several miles away looked like it some light but they were out on the island here. Bucky, trying to calm himself from his stupid anxiety, moved so that Steve could get up and himself stayed on the bed while Steve went looking for a light of some kind.

There was a clunk. “Ow.” He heard Steve say from somewhere in the hall. “Fuck.”

The sound of Steve swearing always made him smile for some reason and Bucky welcomed the distraction. Deprived of sight he needed something to distract him from the memories that were threatening to come bac. The ones of being in the dark and pounding on the walls until his fist hurt. Of the images that came to your mind when you were deprived of sensory input.

He nearly screamed when Arya suddenly jumped in his lap from some unknown place but stifled it, simply glad for the company as he sat there trying to not panic too much.

“Steve?” He called out. “Did you find it?”

He heard Steve approach and suddenly there was a bright light in his face, causing him to put his hand up to block it. It also caused a memory to come back as well. Of being in pitch black for what seemed like forever until suddenly a door was opened and a shocking amount of light flooded his eyes. Right before he was dragged out of said dark place with barely enough time to register anything at all. And then a different kind of light followed, one in his head, causing him to scream..

“You alright in here.”

The brightness of the light and the memory to irritate him. “Yeah.” He snapped at him, raising his hand to block the light. “Will you get that out of my fucking face I’m going blind.”

“Sorry.” Steve said apologetically before finally pointing it away. “You still got your lighter right?”

He blinked at him at first as if he didn’t quite hear the question, his mind still in that weird place where it was straddling two realities at the same time. He could see the images blurring by him as he was dragged, blinking to his next destination.

“What?”

“The lighter.” Steve asked again, looking at him slightly concerned now.

“Oh…It’s in the drawer.” Bucky told him, nodding in that direction and doing his best to shake himself out of whatever this was. “Should still work.”

He hadn’t used it in about a year and half, when he’d stopped smoking but kept it around just in case. He watched as Steve lit a candle as some lightning flashed, briefly lighting things up. The flame flickered to life and Bucky was somewhat grateful for that, although he tried to hide it. There was just.. something comforting about the flame he couldn’t put his finger on. And it was scented as well. A comforting smell of lavender or something.

Obviously he didn’t hide as well as he thought because Steve sat down next to him and put his hands on his face. “You okay?”

“Sure.” Bucky answered, smiling his best smile. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look scared.” “

“Well I’m not.” He answered a little sharper than necessary. “I’m fine.”

He wasn’t, he knew. And Steve knew too. The rain was still pouring, the lightning was still flashing, and he was shaking slightly and couldn’t control it. Everything ached. All those old wounds flaring up. And there was memories. He hadn’t exactly been in a good place when the power went out, and he was in a worse one now.

“It was dark in there wasn’t it?” Steve asked, taking his flesh hand in his. “Where they kept you.”

He felt very defensive again. Like earlier. Suddenly wanting to snap at him for even asking. The memory of pure darkness, leading into bright light and pain, was searing through his head. He hated these days, when his mind just wouldn’t fucking leave him alone.

“I don’t wanna talk about that.” He said as he felt Steve’s other hand on his face again. “Not now.”

“Maybe you should.”

“I said I don’t fucking want to.” Bucky snapped again, feeling his claws come out a little. “Weren’t you fucking listening?”

Even in the low glow of the candle he could see Steve flinch slightly at that and immediately felt like shit. “I have been listening to you Buck.” He said in a soft voice. “I’m just worried that’s all.”

“I know.” Bucky replied, rubbing his face with his free hand. “I’m sorry punk.” He struggled to get a grip on himself and somewhat succeeded. “My mouth sometimes runs off before my head catches up.”

He could feel Steve’s hand brush some of his hair back gently. “You’re forgiven jerk.”

“You really shouldn’t forgive me that easily.” He told him, his eyes lowered. “Cause sometimes I’m a real asshole.”

“Well like you said before all this.” Steve answered, that had wrapping around the back of Bucky’s head again. “I kinda like that about you.”

He could feel that darkness biting at him. More specifically what was in it. Like the dark corners of a room where no light penetrated. A great big black hole sucking up the light and leaving the void there, There was no light, no noise, and no warmth. It was just you and your thoughts, those biting things that chewed on your sanity in there.

In a strange way the room was like that. There was this warm cocoon of light where the candle was. Where Steve and Arya were, but beyond it was the darkening room, encroaching in that. Just a little flame to keep it away.

So he leaned forward and just let himself be kissed softly, feeling that hand flex softly in his hair as he did. Moving toward the warmth and the light where it still felt safe. He wrapped his arms around Steve, pulling him closer, intensifying the kiss, the connection to that light and warmth.

The rain still poured down and the thunder still rolled in the background. An occasional lightning flash lighting up the room. Before he was even aware of it he was on his back, his hands wrapped around Steve’s neck, metal fingers in his blonde hair, still kissing him deeply. Not even close to willing to let go. Just let himself be pressed into the bed in that comforting way.

His grip became more urgent, more needy and Steve couldn’t help but notice. “Bucky?” He asked, pulling his lips away putting his hands on his face. “You sure you’re alright?”

He wasn’t. He knew it but it didn’t really matter to him right now. He’d explained, in kind of a sheepish way to Amelia that sometimes he needed his ‘cage rattled’ so to speak to shake things loose. She seemed to understand that, even it was sometimes a tad bit unhealthy, but he was a very unusual case. Right now, he just wanted to grab a hold of Steve and have him do that. To be plowed by his blonde stallion until he couldn’t breathe or think anymore.

“I don’t know.” He said honestly, staring up at him. “But I don’t wanna talk about it now okay?” He wrapped a leg around Steve’s and pulled him closer. “I just.. wanna finish what we.. started earlier..”

“As I recall..” Steve said with a still concerned tone. “You were the one that interrupted that.”

He had him on that one yes. It had seemed important at the time, but as usual, the more in depth in conversation they got the more muddled his thoughts got. The more they ventured into those darker places. A lot of wounds opened up as a result and they hurt like hell. And when that happened, he needed to back away. Like he did now. Yet again.

“Well I’m done talking punk.” He answered, lifting his head and nipping Steve’s neck softly. “We can resume.” He then put his lips right to his ear. “I wanna fuck now.”

Steve pulled back and gave him that look. That half admonishing, half lustful one when Bucky started to get ornery like this. And he loved that look. It made him want to continue. To press the issue until it came to its natural conclusion. It was always a fun game and a good distraction from everything else. From all the anxiety and pain of earlier.

In these moments he always felt a little crazy and unstable and was learning to embrace it. Was better than the alternative.

“So this is how it’s gonna be tonight?” Steve asked with a slight growl in his voice, his hands finding Bucky’s and holding them down on either side of his head. “Well then let’s play sweetheart.”

Oh just the sound of that word with that growl in his voice turned Bucky on all the more. He smiled up at Steve defiantly, pushing his arms against Steve’s iron grip. The candle flickered as the light breeze from the still ongoing rainstorm hit it, altering the low light as he shifted his body under Steve’s.

“You’ve always liked it this way.” Bucky teased, lifting his body to brush his lips over Steve’s. “Even when you were a scrawny little punk.” He saw the look in Steve’s eyes at recalling this and it caused the sides of his lips curve a little more. “You liked being in control I know you did..”

Steve’s hands gripped him a little tighter and he was pressed more into the bed. “Oh yeah?” He asked, leaning down and pushing Bucky’s head up so he could chew on his neck. “Is that so?”

“Uh huh?” Bucky answered, his voice getting a little moany now. “Girls used to flirt with me and you’d get sooo jealous..” He smiled at the memory of that. “And you’d jump on me when we’d get home..all growly and ornery.” He was getting even more turned on thinking about this now. “It’s when you started.. topping me.. and.. I fucking loved it.”

He’d remembered letting him ride him like a damn racehorse and it had been the best sex he’d ever had to be honest. Just the fact that Steve had been so small yet so ferocious at the same time had just heightened it for him. In those moments he hadn’t cared about the supposed ‘sin’ of they were committing. He was at his freest. They both had been. Giving free reign to their passion without care.

Sometimes he’d deliberately provoked him to get that response too. It had added a new element to their secret life and he was not sorry in the least bit for that.

“Yeah well..” Steve growled, pulling Bucky’s hands up higher so he could hold them over his head. “I had to remind you who you belonged to didn’t I?” He moved both hands into one hand to free one his own. “In case you forgot..”

Bucky moaned thickly hearing that, completely forgetting about everything except this moment. Feeling Steve’s free hand undo and slide his jeans and shorts off in one quick, rough move. As he himself kicked them off he could feel the breeze on his now bare lower half and shivered in a sweet way. And looked down through lidded eyes as Steve undid his own expertly as well with that one hand. They didn’t come off completely, but they didn’t have to.

He then put that hand back on Bucky’s and pressed his wrists back down into the pillow again and stared down at him hungrily. “Maybe I should remind you again jerk.” He growled in his ear pressing into him, causing Bucky’s legs to involuntarily fall apart for him. “Just in case.”

“Go ahead punk.” Bucky growled in return. “My memory gets.. fuzzy sometimes.”

Steve didn’t answer, just pressed his wrist harder into the pillow and pushed hard into him. No foreplay, no nothing just took him without any warning and Bucky cried out in response, his head rolling back against the pillow as a wave of pleasure rushed through his body. It obliterated any trace of earlier in one beautiful thrust and it was glorious.

“You’re mine.” Steve growled in his ear as he held him like that for a moment. “All mine…”

Bucky just whined in agreement, his eyes fluttering, hands pushing up against Steve’s grip and finding beautiful resistance. His thighs tightened around Steve’s hips and his body rose in response as he began to move.

He forgot the power was out. About the anxiety. About everything. Just lost himself in the intensity of feeling of being claimed once again by the only person who could ever own him this way.

“Yes..” He moaned, losing all coherent thought. “Yours…”

\--

Steve knew that on occasion like this, that Bucky had manipulated him in some way. Changed the course of the narrative to avoid certain things. And there was a time when maybe would’ve questioned that. Maybe he would later. But right now, he let him steer the ship the only way he could now.

And sometimes he was just perfectly willing to go there. He knew it was a bit fucked up but that’s how they were and probably always would be. Functionally dysfunctional as Sam called it jokingly. But it was a good way to describe their relationship sometimes.

He’d finally let go of Bucky’s hands after a while, wanting to feel that metal one gripping his hair as he fucked him. To feel those fingers grip and tear at the shirt he was still wearing. And so he could touch him himself. To lay claim to that body yet again. To his exclusive territory that he’d marked long before he’d ended up a superhero.

Bucky was his and the latter had never disputed that.

He got a hold of Bucky’s hips and pulled him hard against his own as he plowed into him almost mercilessly now. He watched those beautiful, teal blue eyes, hooded by those dark lashes, look at him with love and desire like they always had. Even when he didn’t look like this. Even when he was scrawny and insecure Bucky had wanted him. Loved him and that made feel stronger, more beautiful himself. More confident. And more possessive of him as well as a result.

Thrusting against him harder and harder, lifting his body off the bed, causing the shirt he still had on to slide down even more, revealing more of that body in the low candlelight. God he was just perfect. The word _Mine_ kept playing in his head, driving him harder, pushing them both to their limit. Watching Bucky’s eyes roll in his head, hearing the moans get louder and thicker as he got closer.

With his hands on his waist just below the t-shirt, he found his neck, right where the shoulder met it and bit down on it, causing Bucky to cry and finally cum, his head rolling back, metal fingers digging sharply into Steve’s neck, which unleashed him as well.

He collapsed softly onto Bucky’s heaving chest, and weakly put his hands on his face to kiss him humidly as he lay between his legs. He could feel Bucky’s hands weakly on his back, and gave him a few more soft little pumps while they were still connected, causing soft whimpers against his lips that he also refused to let go of just yet.

When he finally did, he felt Bucky’s hands slid off him, laying flat on the bed as he looked up at Steve, with a dazed look in his eyes. Under the candlelight he looked so ethereal to Steve, the flickering light hitting his eyes in just the right way, creating prisms of color that were almost mesmerizing.

“God I love you.” He whispered, still holding his face and nuzzling it softly.

Bucky seemed to find the strength to get his arms around back around him again at the moment. “I love you too punk.”

Steve slid down slightly, finally disconnecting their bodies, causing a sweet whimper from Bucky, and proceeded to nuzzle his abdomen, right where the shirt had ridden up. Finding that fresh scar and running his lips over it gently, feeling Bucky’s hands in his hair again, metal fingers stroking it, thighs rubbing against his ribs as he did.

He nuzzled his face against that scar, remembering how he’d gotten it. How he’d almost died in his arms. Seeing him in that hospital bed, hooked up to that ventilator and feeling that sense of near loss again. Feeling that anger. Remembering gong to see the Colonel that night and entertaining just killing him right there.

Not just because he’d hurt Bucky, and nearly killed him. But because he’d touched him. Laid hands on him. On something was his and only his. It had only increased at Kovalev’s insinuations of what he might have done to Bucky. It had pissed him off in a primal, protective way. He almost killed him just for that alone.

He’d never asked the question that haunted him. And Bucky had never offered the information either.

Knowing what the other one had done was bad enough but that..

He had a feeling he would find out, at the trial, and suddenly he understood what Bucky had been talking about earlier. What he’d been warning about. He said everything would come out then. He looked up at Bucky, his fingers trailing over that still healing wound with troubled eyes. He could see him, even in the low candlelight, looking up at the ceiling with an unreadable look on his face.

“Does it still hurt?” He asked, tracing the wound gently.

Bucky flicked his eyes down to Steve’s. “Sometimes.” He replied. “Not as much as much as it used to though.”

He smiled softly and nuzzled it again, feeling a slight tremble from Bucky as he did. It was still tender and sensitive it seemed. Always would be, just like the ones on his shoulder. Some scars never fully healed. At least to the way they were before.

“I almost killed him you know?” He told him, letting his hands caress Bucky’s hips and thighs softly. “I wanted to.” He rested his chin on Bucky’s stomach and looked up at him. “I had his oxygen line in my hand and I all I had to do was hold it just long enough..”

Bucky looked at him, his hand in Steve’s hair. “Why did you?”

“Because I knew it wasn’t what you’d want.” Steve answered honestly. “For the same reason you didn’t want me to go to war..” He pressed his face back into his stomach again. “You didn’t want that for me and… I didn’t listen to you the first time so..”

He’d been mad at Bucky then for telling him the hard truth that night, but he knew now Bucky had been right about it. He was caught up in the idea of being a hero. Of being important and useful. And not realizing that he already had been both to someone. That his life already mattered. He knew now what Bucky had been trying to save him from all those years ago.

After everything he’d seen himself, and watched Bucky go through, he understood perfectly well.

“He wasn’t worth it.” Steve continued, peppering soft kisses on Bucky’s stomach. “Even after what he did to you..” He sucked a soft mark on one of Bucky’s hips causing him to moan slightly. “I got too much to lose to wasted my energy on that piece of shit.”

He slid up and leaned on his elbows as he kissed Bucky’s lips briefly before starting down at him, thinking about that a little more. Wanting to ask him but afraid to. Part of him needing to know just how much that monster had hurt him, the other part wanting to let it lie. And it must’ve been obvious on his face because Bucky noticed.

“What’s on your mind punk?” He asked, his metal hand still in Steve’s hair.

“You said earlier that there were things I was gonna find out that I didn’t know.” Steve said, letting one of his hands rest on the side of his face. “What did you mean by that?”

Bucky’s face seemed to pinch in the low light of the candle at the question. And then he asked one of his own. “What did he tell you?” He asked, sounding like he was keeping his voice painfully even. “You never really told me.”

He hadn’t, he’d sort of summarized. But never mentioned the more disgusting things the man had said to him in that moment. Still wasn’t sure he wanted to say the exact words he’d used. The idea of even repeating how he’d called Bucky ‘a fine piece of ass’ made Steve’s skin crawl. He just decided to get toe the basic question he needed answered. If Bucky would answer it that was.

“He said at one point that.. you weren’t exclusively mine.” Steve confessed, watching Bucky’s face as he said it. Trying to read it. “That that was what pissed me off so much.” He swallowed hard and just asked it. “Was it true or was he just.. trying to get to me?”

Bucky seemed to take a moment before answering and Steve wondered if the question was too far or implied something. Knowing the edgy state he’d been in lately he wasn’t sure. But Bucky didn’t look angry, of defensive. Just looked pained and a bit ashamed of this.

“Did he rape me is that’s what you mean?” He asked, his voice with a slight edge of emotion as he looked up at Steve. “Like the other one?”

Steve nodded, now that the word was out there. Now that Bucky was able to say it out loud after all this time. “Did he?”

“Are you sure you wana know?“ Bucky seemed to double check, or maybe just looking for an out. “I mean..”

Steve thought about it for a moment, but knew the door was opened now, there was no shutting it. “Yeah.” He answered. “You can tell me.”

Bucky bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling which to Steve confirmed it. And as much as this filled him with anger, he waited for Bucky to continue talking. “It wasn’t like the other one.” He explained, bringing his eyes back to Steve’s. “That one I was nothing but trash to him. He even called me a ‘whore’ in Russian pretty much every time.. his job was to break me I guess.. and he succeeded..” Bucky closed his eyes for a moment, trying to shake that off. “But the Colonel.. he… thought it.. was a.. mutual thing.. that I was.. like his pet or something.”

Steve did his best to not think about that piece of trash referring to Bucky that way. It would just enrage him further and Bucky didn’t need that. But he remembered the insinuation of a relationship and had to keep his fingers from clenching in anger for that as well. At the idea that that man had the gall to even lay his hand on him. Wishing he had killed him now. Ended his miserable life for that. Spare Bucky the trauma having to testify about this openly along with everything else. Even though he knew it might’ve spared him nothing at all.

“That’s what the chain was for Steve.” Bucky continued, holding his eyes. “For training.. and.. when were alone.”

He had a feeling that was all he was going say there, and that was enough. But there was one more thing as well he wanted to ask and then he’d let it go for good. At least when it came to talking about that time.

“You said you thought you’d killed him.” Steve asked, keeping his hand on his face. “Why was that?”

Bucky gave him a dark look, one that some might have considering frightening, but he didn’t. “Because I cut a piece of him off that’s why.” He answered in a flat tone. “Made sure he couldn’t do it again.” He didn’t avert his eyes as he said this, just looked in Steve’s. “He should’ve learned by what I did to the others but he didn’t.”

As horrible as this information was, like with the killing of the others, Steve felt a strange sense of pride at this. Of how much Bucky had tried to fight back against them at every turn. Until he couldn’t fight anymore that was. He felt a sense of satisfaction that he’d marked that man. Wished he’d known that then.

“And you thought he died.”

“Well he was bleeding so damn much why wouldn’t I?” Bucky answered, the lack of emotion still present on his face. “But they just used my blood to fix him I guess..“ There was a flash of anger on his face at that. “He reminded me of that on several occasions.. that he has my blood in his veins.”

Steve remembered something at that moment he hadn’t told Bucky at the time. Had just forgotten in the trauma and chaos. It was a small, but profound thing really. Something he hoped would level out that last thing and maybe even cancel it out.

“I doesn’t matter Buck.” Steve told him, holding his face in his hands. “Because my blood in yours now.”

Bucky looked at him, confused. “What?”

“When you were in the hospital.. you’d lost a lot of blood and they needed a donor.” He told him, watching the comprehension on Bucky’s face at this. “I’m a universal donor so I-“

He didn’t get to finish what he was saying because Bucky had grabbed his face and kissed him right at that moment. And he could feel, or thought he felt, hot tears on his face as he did. Finally letting his emotion fall out. He wrapped his arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled him to him as he was kissed fiercely.

“You gave me your blood.” Bucky seemed to choke out as their lips parted. “You beautiful stupid punk..”

“You should know by now that I’d do anything for you jerk.” Steve whispered back as they pressed their heads together. “Anything.”

He actually saw Bucky smile through the tears in his eyes and then bury his face against Steve’s shoulder as if this idea completely overwhelmed him. After everything he’d pulled out of him today, painfully, sometimes aided by either sex or alcohol, he was finally letting himself feel it. To be vulnerable. He pressed his hand to the back of Bucky’s head, stroking his brown hair and letting him be just that.

Let the soft center of this tough cookie be exposed where it was safe to do so.

After a little bit he pulled him back done and wrapped him up under the blanket, knowing his lower half was probably cold now. The breeze though the open window was turning that way. Bucky just seemed to curl up into him under it and stayed quiet for a while.

He felt him shift a little under the blanket and smiled to himself. “You sore?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said as he nuzzled into his neck. “Just a little.”

“Let me take care of that.” Steve suggested, rubbing his face into his hair. “Since I’m to blame and all.”

Bucky smiled against his neck. “I’m not complaining punk.”

Steve didn’t answer, just began massaging and rubbing the sore places, causing Bucky to purr into his neck and curl up closer to him. Steve just worked him gently and heard that soft purr get louder. He loved that sound. It was beautiful to hear. And he could tell he was starting to relax and fall asleep now.

“You gonna be okay if I put the candle out?” He asked Bucky before he could drift off. “Don’t want the cat to knock it over.”

“Mmm hmm.” Bucky answered, sounding half asleep now. “Sure.”

He used his other hand to tip his chin. “It’s gonna get really dark in here just so you know.”

“It’s fine.” Bucky told him, his eyes struggling to stay open now. “I’ll be fine as long as you’re here punk..”

He snuggled back against Steve’s chest and closed his eyes trustingly. Steve brushed his hair softly with his hand, while still massaging him softly with the other until he was sure he was asleep. And then reached over to put the cap on the candle, blanketing the room in that complete darkness that always seemed to terrify Bucky he knew.

He felt the cat jump on the bed again and lay at their feet, and Bucky never stirred, just slept peacefully. Steve was pretty sure it was still early in the night, maybe 10 or 11, he couldn’t see the clock to be sure. It didn’t matter.

He was thinking about what he’d learned today. About Bucky’s family, his own mother. And about something he’d long suspected as well. Feeling that old anger at the ones who’d hurt him again. Wishing he had one right in front of him again. Thinking if he had Kovalev in front of him again, he wouldn’t hesitate this time. He’d finish what Bucky had started a long time ago.

And he was still awake with these thoughts when the inevitable nightmare struck Bucky and he started shaking and whimpering in his sleep. Steve just held him until it passed, and he calmed again. Until whatever monster stalking him tonight had gone back to it den again and left him alone.

The power didn’t come back until morning. When the light finally came back into the world again. And that was a better day.

\--

“Alright Barnes third time’s the charm.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You talk big Wilson but you’re still behind by eight pins.” He called back before taking a swig of his beer. “So I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Sitting back against the seat as Sam gave him a scowl. “I got time to make that up you’ll see.” Sam declared. “I’m a good finisher.”

They had had a standing obligation for a bowling rematch for a while now and Bucky was finally well enough, mentally and physically to finally participate in this. He was having an off an on week since he’d come back from Hawaii, and each day seemed to bring a roller coaster for him. He knew all he could hope for right now was maybe half a day of feeling good. At least until after the trial. At least that was what Amelia had said when he’d seen her this morning.

“I told him the other day.” He confessed her to her. “About the Colonel.” He’d fidgeted a bit, unable to sit still, needing to get up and move around. “He asked me and told him.. even used the R word for once.”

“And how did that go?” She ‘d asked, watching him sort of pace around a bit in her observant. “When you told him.”

“Kinda like the last time.” He told her, stopping behind the chair. “He was like he usually was about these things.. just sorta listened.” He then gripped the chair with his hands and looked down. “I could tell it pissed him off to know what that asshole did.. said he wanted to kill him and all, that he wished he had.”

“You talk a lot about how Steve feels about these things but I’m more interested in you feel about him knowing this?”

Bucky was a loss about answering this just yet. Used to deflecting his own feelings on things like this. Inadvertently he’d started scratching his right arm, and he was pretty sure Amelia noticed this. Not that she said anything about it. At least not yet.

“I dunno.” He answered at first, but realized he did know, just hadn’t wanted to say it. “I felt like I did before. Dirty and unworthy of him.” He scratched his arm a little more, it felt like there was something on it which was weird. “Tainted because someone else had me too and maybe he shouldn’t touch me at first.” He bit his bottom lip nervously. “It happened last time too.”

“But that did that passed didn’t it?”

“Yeah it did.” Bucky answered, smiling softly. “Cause it was Steve and he… he’s always accepted me.. like when we first you know.. got together I wasn’t exactly a virgin, and he was pure and perfect but.. he didn’t care.” He started playing with his fingers then, forcibly pulling the metal hand away from his other arm. “He still loved me and wanted to be with me.”

“Sound like you had a bit of confidence problem then too.”

“Yeah.” Bucky admitted, a bit sheepishly. “But I got over it then.. didn’t have as much shit clouding up my mind like I do now.” He smiled and shook his head. “I was just a stupid kid in love then.”

Somehow that subject led him to his other issue, that strange dysfunctional block in his mind. Which also let to the subject of his parents as well. It was strange how one led to the other. But it was a productive session, not that they usually weren’t, but they’d covered a lot of ground and he’d been a bit mentally exhausted after.

He'd taken a quick nap and had felt better after, and the rest of the day was a good day to relax and enjoy himself. But for some reason he was sitting there thinking about it at the bowling alley now, mulling it all over in his head until the crash of pins and Sam’s celebratory yell shook him out of it. He’d made a real nice spare and gave Bucky a satisfactory grin. Shaking the clutter from his head he gave him yet another eye roll.

“Tod you.” Sam beamed. “I am.. the greatest.”

“I still got a a couple frames left Wilson.” He reminded him as he got up. “Don’t celebrate yet.”

It actually was a pretty close game, Sam ended up winning by a few pins. And only really because Bucky decided to let him. He could’ve easily made a necessary spare, but it wouldn’t have been fair honestly. Beside at least he could by him a beer and listen to his friend brag. It was actually quite a nice thing to be honest. Not to be the best at something for once. He’d always been good at all this shit, so good it wasn’t a challenge so sometimes he just took the loss. It made him feel better about himself sometimes. Although why he needed to play himself down was something he was still trying to figure out.

“That strike was just.. you know highlight reel stuff.” Same boasted, sitting back and enjoying his free beer. “Sometimes I even amaze myself.”

“Yeah yeah.” Bucky said as he drank his own beer. “They can put your plaque in the bathroom by the urinals for all to see.”

“You’re such an asshole.” Sam told him. “Anyone tell you that?”

Bucky smiled over his beer bottle. “All the damn time.”

“You know people at the VA have been asking about you.” Sam said in all seriousness now. “You haven’t been around in a while and all.”

“I know.” He answered, swishing the beer around the bottle. “Things have been a bit.. up and down lately.”

He regretted the fact that he hadn’t been down there lately. That he’d had to put his final semester of classes off until summer. The physical and mental recovery from his.. incident, had put a crimp in a lot of things. He wanted to get back to normal but knew it probably wouldn’t be until the trial was behind him. Right it was looming ahead like a foreboding mountain, blocking his way to the coast beyond. He could feel its shadow on him constantly.

“Yeah I kina told them that you were having a rough time.” Sam informed him. “Trust me people there get that.” He sat back, crossing a leg over the top of the other one, with those ridiculous bowling shoes on. “So how are you if you don’t mind my asking?”

Bucky chuckled and downed more of his beer. “That’s a loaded question.” He mused, staring out at the alley. “Ever been on a roller coaster?”

“Sure.”

“Kinda like that.” Bucky told him, twirling the bottle again. “Once minute I’m climbing really high and then.. Bam… down I go and everything’s racing and going by fast and then you just.. crash…” He sighed heavily. “Wash, rinse, repeat.”

“I hate to sound like a broken record man but that’s pretty normal.” Sam told him. “You did almost die.. again.”

“Yeah that’s what everyone says.” Bucky replied, shaking his head. “Just think I’d be used to it by now.”

Sam shook his head this time. “If you ever get used to that.. you might as well be dead.” He said, resting the beer bottle on his knee. “I mean I’ve fallen from the sky several times.. even had my wing ripped off by a mad assassin once.” Bucky actually smiled at that, surprising even himself. “And I still ain’t used to it. Still have nightmares about the worst of it. It’s how you know you’re still human. Cause you can still feel.”

“Yeah well..” He mused, staring at his close to empty bottle. “Sometimes feeling things sucks.”

“With you there man.” Sam agreed. “God sure likes to test us don’t he?”

Bucky scoffed. “Yeah he’s one vindictive bastard that’s for sure.”

“I know you ain’t a fan of his.”

“Well that’s putting it mildly.” Bucky answered, turning around to grab one more beer, knowing he should probably slow down, not that it mattered. “How’d you figure that out?”

“Well the way you avoid the VA Chaplain like the plague every time he comes around.” Sam said very astutely. “Kinda gave me a hint. Not that I blame you though.”

The subject of religion was still tough for him. A thorny, complicated one that had gone back to when hew as a kid. Being raised Catholic but being the way he was, it had caused all kinds of emotional turmoil. Especially when his relationship with Steve had turned into more than friendship. And the war and his subsequent imprisonment had sort of cemented the breach for him.

It was not something he was interested in talking about however. Not yet. “Those are some ugly shoes by the way Wilson.” He observed, motioning to Sam’s footwear. “I mean I know they’re bowling shoes but I don’t even think a clown would wear those in a dark room.”

Sam seemed to get what he was doing, and like the friend he was, didn’t push it. Instead, chose mock offense as his choice of footwear. “Fuck you Barnes.” He said with mock indignance. “I think you’re just jealous is all.”

“Day I’m jealous of you Wilson is the day I check myself into the nuthouse for good.” Bucky retorted, finishing his beer, and knowing he should stop now. “Ready to get going ?”

“Go to your house? Sam asked, pulling those ugly shoes off finally. “Your cat gonna crawl all over me again?” He started putting his own shoes on now. “Cause it took me days to get all that hair out of my clothes.”

“Hey she likes you.” Bucky told him, grinning as he changed his own shoes. “Damned if I know why.”

It felt good to just give each other shit. Felt normal. After everything lately to get some semblance of that was a gift.

They made one more stop on their way, picking up some takeout from their favorite diner, and it was Sam’s turn to pay this time, so Bucky ordered a lot of food. Payback for the last time when Sam ordered the most expensive item on the menu and told the waitress the angry white boy was paying for it. The waitress, who knew them both fairly well by now, thought they were hilarious. 

“I wanna see you eat that whole steak yourself.” Sam dared him as they went to the car and got in. “And all the sides too.”

“Oh come on Wilson I thought you had a challenge for me.” Bucky retorted, pulling out a french fry to start on. “I could eat a whole cow and still be hungry.”

“Yeah sure.” Sam said as he backed out. “Just don’t ger fries all over my car asshole.”

Bucky laughed heartedly and popped the fry into his mouth. “I promise nothing.”

He had to admit, he really liked his friends. Both Wanda and Sam added their own joys to his life.

“I mean it Barnes.” Sam warned. “Cause I’ll make you eat all the ones you drop.” He then gave him a dark look. “A moth later.”

“I’d like to see you try Polly.” Bucky shot back and chuckled. “Just sayin’”

And it went on and on all the way to his house.

\--

“You sure about this?” Steve asked Tony, looking at the paper with a growing sense of malaise

“I wish I could say I wasn’t but that’s the info we got Cap.” Tony told him all seriousness. “That piece of crap had connections.”

Steve put his hands on his face, thinking for a moment on how, and when he was going to tell Bucky this. It would upend him completely and bring back the old paranoia he feared. The one that kept him awake at night and watching out the windows.

The information they’d gathered from when they’d rounded up all of Kovalev’s cohorts was that Bucky had been under surveillance for several months prior to the man revealing himself. Steve was looking at names and pictures, some of whom he’d seen in passing in a few places, who had been feeding information while the man had made his plan to move on Bucky. The team had been rounding up several in preparation for the upcoming War Crimes Tribunal, and for the local police to put together racketeering charges as well for the ones not on trial for that.

“You sure you got all of them?” Steve asked after a while. “That he’s safe right?”

“We’re fairly sure.” Tony answered, pulling up the list onto a holographic screen. “One of the ones we got is singing like a damn canary and giving us all the names we need. I mean one look at Banner he just about shit himself.”

Steve noticed Morgan playing in the corner and looking up at her Daddy with surprised eyes. “Does Pepper know you talk like that in front of your kid?”

“Come or Rogers I’m tame compared to her.” Tony corrected, looking over and giving the little girl a stupid face. “Mommy has a potty mouth doesn’t she?”

“Potty!” Morgan called out and grinned. “Shit!”

Tony looked Steve who raised an eyebrow. “I’m not taking the blame for that one.” He said and gave his daughter a disapproving look. “We talked about this kid you’re gonna get Daddy in trouble.”

As amusing and cute as this was, it didn’t solve the problem for Steve. How to tell Bucky that he’d been watched for several months and not undo all the work he’d done. Part of him wondering if he should at all. It was tough question, especially knowing that Bucky could find out and be really pissed if he didn’t.

“You know if you’re thinking about not telling Barnes about this this you should probably reconsider.” Tone told him, as if reading his thoughts. “We both know what secrets can do.”

Steve knew what he was hinting at and knew Tony was right. Keeping secrets was never good. Not with anyone. The secret he’d kept from Tony had nearly cost him Bucky and maybe even on life and career. And every time he’d hid something from Bucky it ended up backfiring as well.

But it didn’t necessarily mean he had to tell him today either. He tossed it around as he took the information with him, putting it iin a bag. He would show Bucky when he deemed it the right time. And when he was finally on his way home, he’d satisfied himself with the knowledge he’d at least considered his options.

His phone buzzed while in the truck and he check his texts at a light. Fining a message from Bucky and opening it. It read ‘got lunch punk.. hurry up before Wilson eats all of it.’ It caused him to smile and text back quickly while at the world’s longest light. Bucky was with Sam and sounded somewhat happy. Not that he could see his mood through the text, but judging by the emoji’s he was pretty sure he was.

He also got a call from Sharon while in the car as well, that she was going come the next day to have Bucky ID some photos and pass some information on as well and knew that he would probably have to inform before that. But he made the decision to not do it tonight. And he saw something else on his way that piqued his interest and cemented a plan to make sure this day at least, would be a good one for Bucky.

When he got home, he found Sam there as well, at the kitchen island playing cards with Bucky. Arya was currently sitting on Sam’s shoulder and he looked mildly annoyed by this but humored the little cat. Arya really liked him for some reason and would often climb up onto Sam if he didn’t pick her up. She was a very friendly cat, a far cry from the skittish thing Bucky had first brough home. And Steve thought it was interesting how as Bucky got more open socially, so did the little cat as well. As if they were on the wavelength. It wouldn’t surprise him.

“Welcome home punk.” Bucky said brightly as he drew a card from the deck, his Dodgers cap turned backwards, blue eyes twinkling. “Been waiting for you. Food was getting’ cold.”

“Thank God.” Sam added, rolling his eyes. “You have got to get him to stop playing this new age stuff cause it’s my making my ears bleed.”

The Celtic music was playing Steve noticed, Bucky seemed to really like it these days, and it had added a calmer ambience to the house. He was also pretty sure it wasn’t Sam’s cup of tea though, and was sure Bucky was playing it strictly to be annoying for him.

“Oh quit complaining Wilson.” Bucky scolded, popping a some fries in his mouth. “Last time you played music in the car people on the street thought we were having an earthquake.”

Steve laughed and got himself something to drink from the fridge before sitting down as well, on the corner end of the island as the two of them did their usual banter. Both their naturally sarcasm came out in spades with each other and it was always entertaining.

Bucky was, it seemed, in a great mod today.

“So what were you two hooligans up to today dare I ask?” Steve asked, grabbing some of the takeout himself.

“Kickin’ Wilson’s ass at bowling.”

“Hey I won the last one you remember?”

“Because I let you Polly.” Bucky retorted. “I took pity on you.”

Polly was Bucky’s new nickname for Sam and it was pretty funny Steve had to admit. It went on like that for a while before Bucky had to excuse himself because, in his words, he had to take a piss. To which Sam wrinkled his nose. “Thanks for the info jackass.”

Bucky just took an exaggerated bow. “Anytime.”

He watched him saunter away and let his face relax into the melancholy that he felt earlier. And Sam seemed to pick up on this very quickly. “So you look like you got some bad news there.” He observed, putting his cards down. “Something happen?”

“That obvious huh?” Steve mused and kept an eye out for Bucky to return. “Let’s just say I got news I’m not eager to share with him yet.” He kept watching the bathroom off the kitchen. “Since he’s having such a good day and all.”

As quick as he could he explained the situation to Sam, who nodded understandingly at the dilemma Steve was now in. Seeing Bucky in the mood he was in now made that much more difficult.

“Well you gotta tell him sooner or later.” Was Sam’s reply to what he’d told him.

“I want him to have at least one good day Sam.” Steve said with a heavy sigh. “So it’s gonna wait til morning. I know its cop out but.. “

“Nah I get it.” Sam answered. “Just don’t wait too long.”

Just as he said that Bucky came out of the bathroom and walked over to hop back up on the chair. “Sorry just returning my rental.” He apologized and looked over at Steve. “He didn’t look at my cards did he?”

Steve knew what he meant by ‘rental’ and gave Bucky a studious look that he seemed to ignore for the moment, maybe electing not to get into it front of company. The alcohol use was a mild issue sometimes, but like Bucky he chose to let it alone for now.

“I ain’t cheatin’ asshole.”

“We’ll see about that.” Bucky snapped back. “I’m gonna check the camera later.”

Sam stayed for a bit while they ate the lunch they’d brought him and it was nice to sit and just watch Bucky continue to shoot the shit with one of his friends. Looking happy and unburdened at least for now. Along with the backwards cap, he had on a grey vintage shirt and a pair of faded, slightly distressed jeans and just looked the picture of perfection to Steve. And it just solidified his decision to wait until tomorrow for this news.

After Sam had departed, sighting plans with Pam later, they cleaned up a little. Steve took that moment to loop his arm around Bucky’s waist and basically spin him into his arms almost like a dancers twirl. Bucky seemed to beam at this and got himself a good grip on Steve’s shirt before letting himself be kissed right there in the kitchen.

“Feel like going out tonight Sergeant?” Steve asked as he pulled his lips from Bucky’s and nuzzled his nose.

“Hmm..” Bucky mused, fingers playing on Steve’s shirt. “Let me check my calendar Captain.” His eyes seemed to flick playfully to the side as if consulting an internal planner. “I might be able to squeeze you in.”

“Good.” Steve answered, letting his fingers flex in Bucky’s hair a little. “I was thinking we go to Coney. It’s opening night and..” He brushed his lips against Bucky’s. “They have fireworks.”

He watched Bucky’s eyes light up a bit at the mention of doing that. Seeing memories of days spent there as kids flashed across his mind. He could almost see it. “Oooh” He mused, getting a better grip on Steve’s shirt. “Can we ride the Cyclone?”

Steve smiled. “Sure can.”

“And get some hot dogs..” Bucky continued, angling his face more against Steve’s. “And maybe you can win me another silly stuffed animal?” His touched Steve’s lips again, eyes sparling. “Maybe even fool around under the dock again like before?”

“Oh we can definitely do all that.” Steve agreed, his other hand pulling Bucky closer to him. “Whatever my boo bear wants.”

“Then I am definitely in punk.”

He looked happy and sassy today and it was such a beautiful sight, he wanted to keep him that way. Even if it was only for today. Unable to resist to kissed him again, a little more forcefully this time, hand flexing in his hair. Getting a good grip and hearing a soft moan come out of Bucky at that. It took everything he had not to just clear everything off the kitchen island, toss him onto and ravage him. But if he did they’d never leave the house. So he reluctantly pulled away, loving the flushed, almost dazed look in Bucky’s eyes as he did.

“We should get going then.” He told him, trailing his finger over those beautiful lips. “If we want to, you know.. squeeze all that in.”

“Uh huh.” Bucky replied, still looking a little dazed. “Definitely”

So he then grabbed his keys, and Bucky’s hand and led him to the car to get on their way before they got distracted further.

\--

“That has to be the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.” Steve marveled, looking at the stuffed animal Bucky had singled out.

“That’s why I want it punk.” Bucky told him. “I like misfits remember?” He then leaned a little closer to Steve’s ear and whispered. “So win it for me Stevie and make boo bear happy.”

He felt strangely giddy today, like he was on drugs or something. Although the closest thing to that he’d had today was beer and fried dough. He supposed it could be the sugar high. Or just a feeling of lightness from a productive therapy session. Or just because he was out with his husband, in public, at Coney and nothing hurt right now. Whatever it was, he liked the feeling.

And he wanted that alligator real bad.

It was rather large, with strange bright green colors and the biggest bug-eyes ever. And it was now in his sights. Bucky wanted to put it right in the art room. On the couch to be precise. He didn’t know what had attracted him to it, but remembered watching the Christmas special with the Island of Misfit Toys and had felt a strange empathy for lost and broken misfits. He was sure there was a psychology for this on some deep level but whatever it was, that thing belonged in his house, in his favorite room. And he wanted the love of his life to win it for him.

And had every faith that he would. Steve was dead-on good at these carnival games, they both had been. Had massive experience wasting tons of money on them as kids. They knew the trick to every one and this one, a dart game, was no different.

And besides, Bucky had made clear he wanted it, so he knew would make sure to get it and of course he did. Nailing all 3 shots perfectly.

“There you go.” Steve said, handing him the stuffed animal. “Although you could’ve won it yourself you know?”

“Oh but Stevie it’s more fun when your sweetie wins it for you remember?” Bucky told him, smiling broadly as he held the alligator up to look at him. “What should I name him?” He studied it for a second and got an idea. “How about Luigi?”

“Luigi?” Steve asked doubtfully, looking at it they walked along. “Where’d did you get that one from?”

“I dunno punk.” He said with a shrug. “Just came to me.. my mind works in mysterious ways.”

Steve turned and wrapped an around him, to pull him close for moment. “Don’t I know it..” He agreed, rubbing. “You’re constantly surprising me jerk.”

Bucky looked around as they stood on the boardwalk, with all the noises from the game and the joyous screams of people on the Cyclone and just felt that amazement again. That he was here. With Steve. Like this, out in the open, with it fairly obvious what their relationship was. That he was even able or allowed to have a life like this now. After everything. All the pain and darkness he was suddenly surrounded by light and he was still getting used to the feeling every day. Even his darkest days these days were a thousand times better than his best in that other place he realized now.

He was happy. Truly happy. Wanted to hold onto that for as long as possible.

“You alright?” Steve asked, seeing the strange look on his face maybe.

“Yeah.” He said honestly, taking his hand with the one not holding Luigi. “I am.” He gave his punk a quick kiss and started to pull him along. “Lets go get a hot dog.”

“You already a couple.” Steve protested. “Among other things.”

Bucky stopped and turned, getting right up in his face with a mischievous grin. “And now I want another one. “ He then pursed his lips and stuck his tongue out a little. “Remember what you said earlier punk.”

Steve smiled himself and shook his head. “Lead the way jerk.”

But before they got close Bucky heard something that caught his attention. Coming from a nearby booth. “Sorry honey “ A vendor in their typical, friendly yet condescending tone. “You have to knock down all there.”

Bucky turned and saw a little girl of about 8 or so, with wavy brown in pigtails, looking disappointed as she looked up at the man. “I don’t have any more money.” She said and, looking longingly at the stuffed animals hanging there. “I hit two.”

“Thems the breaks kid.”

Where had he heard that before? A memory was nagging at him as he stood there transfixed for the moment.

_“Sorry girlie better luck next time..” A voice from a different time but no less condescending. “Maybe if you get some more money..” _

It was right there. Right on the edge of memory. A flash of Becca looking disappointed. But he couldn’t get all of it for some reason. Not yet.

“Bucky?” Steve asked, shaking him out of it. “What is it?”

Bucky heard him but didn’t at the same time. Was too focused. Looking at this game, Bucky remembered this one from when he was a kid, and knew it was rigged. Especially against kids. One of the bottles had a strong magnet on the bottom and it was moved around periodically in case someone figured it out. Bucky had, as a kid, figured it out through just through trial and error and knew as an adult with an ultra-hold cybernetic arm, wouldn’t take him a lot tries as well.

Plus the man looked like a bully to him, and he wanted to take him down a few pegs.

“Hold this punk.” He said to Steve, handing him Luigi. “Got something I gotta do.”

“Oh boy.” He heard Steve say under his breath. “Watch yourself jerk.”

Bucky just smirked at him and strolled up to the counter next to the cute little girl, who upon closer inspection, looked enough his sister Becca to almost be painful to be painful to him, causing that memory to flash again in his head. Shaking it off he squatted down next to her and smiled as she turned to him.

“You want that unicorn?” He asked her, pointing to what she’d been staring at.

She looked at him a little warily at first and then smiled. “Yeah.”

“Well I know how to beat this game.” He told her. “Used to play it a lot when I was kid.” And then he showed her his arm. “And I got a secret weapon.”

She nodded and put her hand tentatively on it. “It’s pretty.”

“Thank you doll.” He said and stood up, putting his money on the counter. “Give me 3 balls.”

“You sure that’s all you’ll need pal?” The guy asked with that same annoying tone. “It’s not that easy.”

Bucky just gave him a hard look. “I might not even need all of them.” He told him. “I know the trick.”

It must’ve been the look in his eyes, but the man shut up immediately. Almost as if he was intimidated by him. Which was amusing because the little girl standing next him wasn’t even scared of him. So typical.

It turned out he was right, he only needed two actually. He’d learned, in the determined way of intelligent child, that if you hit any of the bottles just right you could take down the non-magnetized one in one shot. Which just left you the hard one. And he nailed it easily by counter-balancing the magnet by hitting it square in the widest part. The strength of the metal arm helped to, giving it the added oomph. It went down to the shock of everyone but him.

“There you go.” Bucky declared smugly to the man. “Now give her the unicorn.”

Grudgingly the man handed the giddy little girl her prize and Bucky was as shocked as anyone when she grinned and hugged him. “Thank you!” She said happy and scampered off to her mother, telling her the entire story no doubt.

He actually got a round of applause from the spectators who’d been nearby and just sort waved his hand at them, not sure what else to do. It had been a long time since he’d received something like that from strangers.

“That was really cute.” Steve said with a big stupid grin on his face, that matched the stuffed alligator he was holding. “You big softie.”

“Shut up Rogers.” He growled back with no real irritation. “Guys an asshole, bilking a little kid like that.”

“Oh just take the praise the praise jerk.” Steve told him, handing him back Luigi. “You made that little girls’ day.”

“Yeah yeah.” He grumbled. “Let’s get that hot dog.”

After stuffing down another Coney dog, with Luigi sitting in the chair right next to him with his silly bug eyes, Bucky decided the next thing he wanted to do. “Let’s go on the Ferris Wheel.” He suggested to Steve as he slurped down his Coke. “It’s got a hell of a view from the top.”

“You never liked the Ferris Wheel before.” Steve insisted. “You thought it was boring.”

Bucky popped a fry in his mouth. “Well when we were kids it was.”

“So what changed then?”

“Because as an adult I’ve learned it’s true value that’s why.” Bucky explained, hooding his eyes in thought as he looked at Steve. “It s got those rising highs and dizzying drops but I’ll tell you the best part punk.” He bit his lips and tried to the right words. “You know that moment when it stops and you’re on the top.. you got a hell of view and the world just looks…just well.. perfect.”

“That’s actually kind of beautiful.” Steve said with almost dreamy look as he stared at Bucky in that way that almost made him shy. “You should write that down.”

Bucky grinned mischievously at that moment. “Plus it’s a also a good make-spot too just sayin’”

“See I knew there was a catch.” Steve said with a shake of his head and then winked. “But I’m sold let’s go.” Then motioned to Luigi. “We gotta put that hideous thing in the car though first.”

“Don’t hate on Luigi Rogers.” Bucky admonished picking him up and giving him a squeeze. “It’s not his fault he’s a misfit someone made him that way.”

After putting said alligator in the car they turned back and Bucky once again had a whim and jumped on Steve’s back . “What the hell?” Steve asked surprised at this before grabbing his legs to balance it out. “This is payback isn’t it?”

It was actually. Steve had climbed on his back many a times as kids and even as they’d gotten older. It was at least acceptable because Steve was so small he looked a lot younger than he was and people sometimes assumed he was just Bucky’s little brother or something. But even though a little vengeance for having to cart his punk around the fairgrounds in the height of summer, it was more for fun now. And because he could.

“Whatever do you mean punk?” Bucky asked innocently. “I just want a piggy-back ride.”

It was amusing to many onlookers, mostly tourists, some of which strangely didn’t recognize them. Although he supposed street clothes, sunglasses and baseball caps hid identities well. It was fine by him to be honest, just to have fun like this and really enjoy himself this way. In fact Steve carried him all the way to the line for the Ferris Wheel just like that before putting him down on his feet heavily and shook his head.

“Happy now?” Steve asked, pretending to be annoyed but he clearly wasn’t. “You’re not exactly light you know?”

“Oh give me a break punk.” Bucky said rolling his eyes before leaning into him and pressing their faces together. “You’ve never complained before.”

He felt Steve’s arm around him and saw a warning look in his eyes. “Wait til we get up top.” He whispered to Bucky. “And then we’ll talk jerk.”

Bucky just continued to smile teasingly at him. “Looking forward to it.”

It was fun, the circling up and down but the best part for Bucky was of course when they reached the top and Steve made good on that promise. It was very high up, the Coney Island Ferris Wheel was 150 feet tall and did have a hell of view of the beach and the water. Also a good part of Brooklyn itself, not that Bucky really got to see it. Not when he felt Steve’s hand in his hair, gripping it tightly and he was kissed deeply right there and lost himself in it.

He was aware of the feel of the rise and drop as they went up, down and around. He gripped Steve’s shirt and smile into the kiss, their tongues dancing together as the wind rushed by them. It was so freeing, so refreshing. Experiencing this place from a whole different angle from when they were kids.

And when it did eventually stop, the one that let people off, and they were sitting still at the top they finally pulled away from each other and smiled before turning and fully appreciate the view they had of the whole damn park and beach from where they were. Way up high, away from anything and everything that have ever dogged them. At least for now.

“There is a nice view up here.” Steve mused and turned back to look at Bucky, who also turned at the same time. “In both directions.”

He felt flushed again as he looked into Steve’s eyes, his own hair blowing around Steve’s fingers, his hat in his back pocket for obvious reason. “Yeah I kinda like what I see too.”

He then kissed him again, wanting to take advantage of the moment. And knowing that they may do a lot more when they came back down. When they got under the dock a little later. Between now and the fireworks. They were already getting themselves into a lather as it was, so it was pretty much inevitable.

It was definitely on both their minds as the got off the ride, wanting a semi-private area to get their hands on each other even more so. They gradually and purposely made their way down to the beach and found their way under the boardwalk. There weren’t as many people down there yet, most were still enjoying the park. It was the perfect time of day it seemed.

Pretty soon he was pressed against a pole and they were kissing feverishly again, their hands all over each other like horny teenagers. Bucky could hear people walking above. Could hear the concessions and the sounds of the rides as they got friskier and it just added to illicitness and fun of the whole thing for him.

Hell their clothes were starting to get disheveled now. “Remember when we… used to do this?” Bucky asked in between the kissing and groping. “How much.. fun we had punk?”

“Oh yeah..” Steve whispered against his neck. “How could I forget?”

His sister Becca had gone with them sometimes and had been their lookout on occasion. She was a tough cookie in her own right and very charming as well, turning anyone away who might come in their direction. Like Sarah, Becca had covered for them and supported them, and Bucky felt strange pang of missing her at that moment. Of missing those innocent days in general.

“Steve?” He asked breathlessly, knowing exactly what he wanted now. “Can we?” He let his hands slide into the back of Steve’s jeans and squeezed his ass wantonly. ”Right here?”

Steve’s eyes darkened and he could tell he wanted it too. Again. A nice little quickie under the dock. They’d indulged in this several times over the years since he’d been back but never during park hours. But there was first time for everything. And the idea excited him in a whole new way.

“Do you think it’s safe?” Steve asked, sounding wanton even in hesitation. “I mean there’s people walking around above us and all.”

“They’re not gonna hear us punk.” Bucky replied, his hands on the belt of Steve’s jeans. “Even if you make me scream bloody murder.. they’ll just think it’s someone on the roller coaster..”

“If I make you scream?” Steve asked, eyebrows raised as he pressed Bucky a little more against the support beam. “Sounds like a challenge Sergeant Barnes.”

“Maybe it is Captain..” He retorted, smiling even wider, finally getting the belt undone. “You up for it?” He hooded his eyes and grinding against Steve a little more. “Or do I have to double dare you?”

Steve just growled and kissed him hungrily again, his own hands pushing inside Bucky’s jeans and gripping his ass possessively as he pushed them down slightly. Bucky moaned at the feel of this, turned on by the semi-publicness of it. Hearing the fair-goers above walking and chattering above. . The sound of games and the smell of the hot dogs and fried dough wafting down from above. The ambiance of the carnival filling his senses.

He was then turned around and felt Steve right up behind him, breathing hotly in his ear and knew the challenge had been accepted. Hands on his hips, pushing those jeans down a little more and felt that excitement yet again. That lovely anticipation.

“Hold on sweetheart.” Steve breathed in his ear. “It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.”

Once he was inside him and thrusting hard into him, Bucky forgot where he was entirely. Once again letting pleasure out in loud moans and yells that were lost in the symphony of noises above. He just held on and enjoyed his favorite ride of all.

\--

“Dammit punk.” Bucky gasped as he leaned against the pole. “That was… yeah..”

Steve smiled, nuzzling the back of Bucky’s neck as he still held him from behind, their bodies still connected for the moment. They could still hear the fair going on above them, the people above oblivious to what had just transpired just under their feet. And Steve could’ve care less to be honest.

“You’re welcome jerk.” He whispered against Bucky’s neck. “I’ll consider that a compliment.”

Bucky shifted a little against him and whined softly as he did. “That was downright sinful.” He said in a breathless voice. “Was what I was.. trying to say.”

After a few more minutes of catching their breath, Bucky finally turned, separating them from each other and wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck before kissing him languidly. Steve, letting his hands slide again under Bucky’s jeans to rub him soothingly, and lifted him at the same time to take him away from pole. And knelt down in the sand under the dock with Bucky in his arms just like that.

“You having a good day?” He asked, brushing that errant strand of hair from Bucky’s face lovingly.

“Marvelous.” Bucky said, his voice soft as he leaned his head against Steve’s. “Best one this week by far.”

He looked fresh and aired out, his teal blue eyes clear and vibrant. Even if they were a little glazed at the moment. He just kept brushing his hair and watching him as he continued to catch his breath. He let his other hand just softly rub him under his jeans and saw those hooded eyes flutter in reaction to it. It was a beautiful sight.

He started thinking about what he’d have to tell him. About having been watched for months by the Colonel’s spies before the latter had made his move. Thinking of how safe and secure Bucky had seemed over the last year. Finally letting that hyper-awareness and paranoia relax. That was until that bastard showed up. But if he’d known, people in their own orbit, had been watching and reporting on him, how would that affect him? Would he go back to that suspicious, socially distant nature again? Truth was, he didn’t know. Bucky’s mind and how he coped with things was still a learning curve in many ways.

All he knew was, he was happy and felt safe right now. He wanted to keep him that way for as long as possible. Putting off the inevitable conversation. And the upcoming event of that trial in the Netherlands. Which continue to loom over everything.

“Feel like going back up yet?” Steve asked after a time, tipping his chin to look in his eyes.

“Think I need just a little more time.” Bucky answered, shifting against him a little as his knees straddled Steve’s lap. “To.. you know.. get my strength back.”

Steve chuckled and nuzzled his face. “But of course..”

“I’m still getting your ass on the Cyclone before the night is over punk.” Bucky reminded him. “You’re not weaseling out of it.”

Steve shook his head. “That was one time.” He explained. “And it was because we’d just eaten.”

“Excuses excuses.” Bucky chastised. “Just cause you got sick that one time.”

Steve laughed, having remembered tossing his lunch all over Bucky at the time. And while the latter had teased him relentless for it, he never made him feel really bad either. It was just the ribbing of a best friend. And the fact that he’d dragged him on there, treating him like a normal person, when everyone else had treated like something fragile, had the made the experience memorable.

After a while they did get up, helping each other readjust clothing and smiling at they did. Baseball caps and sunglasses were found put back on as well, Bucky once again choosing to put his on backwards again in that cute way that made him younger again.

“Alright. punk” He said as he took Steve’s hand in his metal one. “Let’s get to the Cyclone before the line gets too damn long.”

Steve was happy to let him lead him there like he had all those years ago. Bucky had, in many ways, led the way a lot in their relationship Steve had noted. Had changed its course many times, and had encouraged Steve to be braver than he already was. And picked him up when he pushed too hard and got hurt. He’d loved that about him and was more than willing to let him drive now, watching that confidence slowly, but surely come back.

The line wasn’t that long yet, and looking up at that nearly century old coaster, gave him a sense of nostalgia. And that old sense of dizziness at its still imposing structure. As roller coasters went these days it was pretty tame but there was something special about it still. Something that still drew people from all over the place to ride it. Steve supposed because it was one the few things that hadn’t changed over the years.

And neither did the excitement in Bucky’s eyes as they got closer to getting on it.

“You’re squeezing my hand awful hard punk.” Bucky observed, looking down at it. “Nervous are we?”

Steve hadn’t noticed he’d still been holding Bucky’s metal hand, and that he had been holding it tight. Could feel the wedding ring pressing into his own fingers and smiled sheepishly at Bucky. “No not nervous.” He told him, leaning in closer. “Just don’t want you to get too away from me again that’s all.”

He saw a soft look cross Bucky’s face before he composed himself. “Ain’t gonna happen Rogers.” He said, stepping a little closer. “No way you’re gettin’ rid of me anytime soon.”

Steve just squeezed his hand again as they moved closer to the actual ride now. He kept looking over at Bucky, who kept turning his eyes to him every so often, so many unspoken words passing between them. And anyone looking at them could’ve recognized the looks for what they were. Two people desperately in love with each other.

Finally they got to the head of it, ended up being close to the front too. “Best seats there are.” Bucky observed, grinning at Steve as the bar came down on their laps. “Now it’s your turn to hold on punk.”

Steve looked over at him and took his hand again. “To you or the bar?”

“Both.” Bucky answered simply as the car started moving. “Here we go.”

It was a hell of a ride still, Steve screaming with fear and joy at the same time. The same person who jumped out of planes, felt more exhilaration riding a roller coaster with the love of his life yet again. Just acting completely like normal people.

Like kids again. The feeling was exactly the same.

And later, as Bucky laid in his arms watching the fireworks on the beach, he thought this was another great idea. His arms around Bucky’s waist and the latter’s head resting against his collarbone. Watching the multi-colored fireworks as he rested his chin on his favorite brunettes head.

Thinking of the Winter Soldier telling him once, that this was Bucky’s safe place. _Where the sky lights up._. The place he went when all the bad stuff was too much for him. Back when they were kids and much more innocent than they were now.

All he wanted to do was to continue to be Bucky’s safe place. Especially in the coming month.

His hands rested on Bucky’s stomach right below that new raised scar. Letting his thumbs touch it lightly. Thinking about his earlier statement. And how close he’d actually come to slipping away from him yet again. “I love you.” He whispered into his hair as they sat and watched the fireworks.

Bucky’s hand went over his and he turned his head up slightly to look up at him. “I love you too punk.”

He then lifted his metal hand up and pulled Steve’s face to his to kiss him softly under the fireworks yet again. And to Steve it was the perfect capper for that night.

\--

As they were about to get in their car, Bucky felt a tentative tap on his shoulder. In a different time that might’ve resulted in a somewhat violent response, but Bucky felt a bit different these days. He still tensed slightly, but immediately relaxed, seeing a pretty young woman staring at him as he turned around.

“I’m sorry to bother you but I wanted to thank for earlier.” She said with a soft, tentative smile.

Bucky was confused for a moment. “For what ma’am.”

“For winning my daughter that unicorn.” She explained, pointing to her car, which just happened, by some coincidence, to be parked right in front of theirs. “It made her so happy.” She looked sad for a moment. “She doesn’t have lot of toys.. we can’t afford them.. but she loves unicorns.”

She nodded toward the car, where Bucky cold clearly see the little napping in the backseat with that same unicorn to her chest like the most prized possession. This caused a lump in his throat that he tried at first. And made him feel strangely humble at the same time. Realizing the woman’s words _We can’t afford them_ and getting a strange tug in his memory at that.

“Well I’m.. glad I could get it for her.” He told the woman. “It kinda seemed unfair you know?”

“Well she was just over the moon about it and I don’t think she’s gonna let go of it anytime soon.” The woman went on to explain. “And she couldn’t stop talking about the nice man with the shiny arm that gave it to her.” The mother smiled at him. “I don’t think she’s gonna forget you anytime soon and neither will I so thank you again. You’re a very good man.”

“You’re welcome ma’am.” He said, still trying to keep that emotion in check. “I’m glad she likes it.”

She motioned to his tags, which were hanging out of his shirt again. “And thank you for service as well.”

With that she nodded and went to her car, and Bucky stood there stunned for a moment, not knowing what to do at that moment. He then turned and saw Steve smiling that dumb grin again and fought the urge to find something to throw at him.

“Will get that stupid grin off your face punk?” Bucky said as he opened the back door of the truck for a moment.

“Never.” Steve said as he ducked into the trunk. “Because I’m damn proud of you jerk.”

Bucky shifted Luigi in the back seat and actually put the seatbelt on the alligator without even realizing it a first. “Yeah yeah.” He muttered, just being ornery to cover his feelings up. “I don’t know what the big deal is really.. I just gave the kid a stuffed animal.”

“Oh will you just take the praise Buck.” Steve admonished him as they got in the car. “And accept the fact that you’re a good person?”

Bucky looked at him, blinking for a second at that. It was true he supposed. When people praised him, he did have a habit of deflecting as nothing special. Thinking maybe he was still working on that part of himself, the one that had convinced himself that he wasn’t. It kept the denying the simple fact that it felt good to do something nice. That maybe he didn’t deserve to feel that way. Didn’t deserve the praise. That the bad things he’d done outweighed the good. It had been a sticking point in his head for a long time.

“I’m sorry Steve I’m just.. “He said and paused, turning to look at him. “Still working on that I guess.”

“I know.” Steve said softly as he took his metal hand in his and squeezed it. “I just wish you could see yourself the way that little girl did toady.” He then kissed the fingers, looking at Bucky over them. “The way I do every day.”

Bucky felt his face tick a little at that. “In what way?”

“Strong.. brave..” Steve told him, looking his eyes. “Heroic.” He smiled softly again. “A good man with a good heart.”

Bucky bit his lip at the sincerity of that. Remembering that little girl hugging him and kissing his cheek like that. The one at the baseball game that smiled sweetly at him when he gave her the ball he’d caught. The waitress at the diner, girl at the coffee shop and the one at the animal shelter. His friends. Arya. His mom and sister. Steve. All the people that had seen him as just that and not the monster machine he’d conditioned to believe he was.

Today, like his other good days, he’d gone out and felt, well, just like a human being again. And felt a strange, foreign feeling of prided, the good kind, in himself. It was a nice feeling.

“Dammit punk.” Bucky said to him, sliding over the seat to hug him because he just well, needed to. “Why you gotta mess me up like this?”

“I’m not sorry jerk.” Steve whispered into his hair. “Not at all.”

He sat there for a moment, embracing him until he got himself a bit under control again, climbing back into the passenger seat and laying his head against it. He entwined his metal fingers into Steve’s again just looked at him once again with what he knew was the sappiest look of love ever. Whatever tough exterior he needed to show the world sometimes, it always melted away around his beautiful punk.

As they started driving home, Steve seemed to pinch his face in thought for a moment before speaking again. “Why that little girl though?” He asked. “I mean there were plenty of disappointed kids, what was it about her?”

Bucky was surprised by the question and thought about it a bit. Knowing he was right. There were plenty of kids that didn’t get what they wanted but for some reason the dark-haired girl in the pigtails had gotten his attention. Remembering that at that moment he’d had a flash of Becca, whom the girl did resemble to some degree, looking up something disappointedly.

And as he was thinking it started to come to him in a quick flash of memory, very clear and with that pang of loss from long ago. He looked at Steve, his eyes wide and saw a look of concern on his face as well.

“What is it?” He asked, putting hand back on Bucky’s. “You okay?”

“She looked like Becca.” Bucky explained, finally after a moment of letting that memory flow through him. “We were at Coney when we were kids and she was about 9 or 10… and she wanted this doll, but used up all her money.. but I had a little bit left..”

He knew Steve understood this, he hadn’t been with them that day, had been sick, but he knew how short they all were on money those days. He and Becca had been allotted a small amount to play with, and Bucky had had his eyes on something cool when he saw his sister with that sad look on her face, looking up at a doll that she had resigned herself to never being able to have.

“It was one of those games where you had to shoot all the ducks and she couldn’t quite get it.” He continued to explain as Steve drove. “I knew I could do it but.. it would mean using the rest of my money but..” He bit his lip and looked at Steve. “She didn’t have a lot of stuff like that.. so I forked over the last of my money to the jerk running the game and..”

Steve turned his head and smiled softly. “You won it for her.”

“I was always a good shot.” Bucky said, feeling a bit sheepish for tooting his own horn on this but it was the truth. “My dad sometimes took me out of the city to go hunting.. when he was having a good week or so that was” He shook his head a little. “You know that manly shit.. He said I was a natural then and that stupid little gun was way lighter than the rifle I’d been taught on.. so yeah I nailed every fucking duck in the row easily.”

He remembered how happy and proud his sister had been when he handed it to her. The way her blue eyes, so much like own, had light up. The way she’d stuck her tongue out the jerk vendor after hugging him. Which just so typically her. And remembered the sense of pride he’d felt at doing something selfless like that.

“She kept that thing even up she was an adult.” He continued to explain. “Kept it on a shelf and people would ask her about it, and she’d just tell them ‘my brother won it for me.” He smiled to himself. “It was a pretty doll… almost as pretty as her.”

“Yeah she as was pretty I remember.” Steve answered, and Bucky could see the memories turning in his eyes too. “You two could’ve almost passed for twins sometimes.”

Bucky smiled at that himself, knowing people thought they were. They were certainly close enough in age. What they always called ‘Irish twins’, born almost within a year of each other. Becca was often present with him and Steve, being fiercely independent and perfectly at home with the boys. Even acting as a lookout for them when their relationship turned romantic. She was one of the few people that knew about them and was accepting of them.

He was surprised to find that as much as remembering her hurt, it was also tinged with happiness that he could remember her at all. Just like with his mother as well. It felt good to remember them even if it hurt sometimes. It was a good kind of hurt he realized.

“So when you saw that little girl upset it made you think of her.” Steve observed, it wasn’t really a question. “You did a good thing then and a good thing today too.” He squeezed Bucky’s hand again. “See you are and always were a good person Buck. Accept it.”

Bucky nodded, laying his head back against the car seat thinking about that. Wondering once again why he kept fighting that idea. The masochistic part of him just wouldn’t accept it, insisting on reminding of all his sins. But days like this, memories like that, were to starting to fill in the full picture of who he actually was and it was almost like a revelation.

“I promise I’ll try harder Steve.” He said after a moment, looking over him and squeezing his hand. “I will.”

“That’s all I ask Buck.” Steve replied, once again lifting the metal fingers to his lips to kiss them. And then his eyes flicked to rearview mirror and Bucky saw amusement on his face. “Did you seat-belt in that alligator?”

Bucky turned and looked behind, remembering that he had, in fact done that. The silly bug-eyes looking back at him from rear seat. “It’s the law punk.” He told Steve as if it should be obvious. “Every passenger needs a seat-belt.” He gave Steve a stern look. “Even alligators.”

He saw Steve shake his head at that and just had to laugh himself. It felt perfectly natural too. At that moment, everything felt good and he just let himself accept that.

\--

At home later, Steve was downloading his pictures from the day onto the computer, marveling at just how happy Bucky had seemed that day. A picture of him smiling, holding that stupid alligator like a giddy kid. Sitting at the outdoor table and giving Steve a mock look of annoyance as he took the picture. The selfie he’d decided to take when they got in line for the Cyclone, Bucky’s arms around him from behind as he was being carried. And several others as well to add to the collection.

He looked at these and thought about the news he had. And how that might affect Bucky to know it. Because what he saw on his face was an acceptance of someone who felt perfectly at home and safe enough to le himself be happy again.

He didn’t want to tell him that people in the city, hell maybe even in the neighborhood, had sold him out to that bastard and had brought on the terrible incident a few months back. To keep that look on his face. But he also knew Tony and Sam were both right. He couldn’t keep it from him either. Just hoped he was strong enough to handle it.

After he finished storing the pics from his phone, he decided to find Bucky, wherever he happened to be in the house. It took a moment, but he found him, sitting in the recliner with his feet up, bunny slippers on. He had Arya in his lap and was playing with her, using a stringed toy that Wanda had gotten for them. He just stood and watched him for a moment, taking this in as well. Just the sweetness and domesticity of it.

“You know I can feel you watching me right?” Bucky said after a moment, not even looking up.

“Of course.” Steve answered, coming around and sitting on the corner of the couch across from where they were. “She really likes that toy huh?”

Bucky chuckled, wiggling it, causing the little cat twirl around and try to attack it from a different angle. “Yeah.” He answered, turning his eyes in Steve’s direction. “Auntie Wanda spoils her doesn’t she?”

“Yes she does.” Steve agreed, amused at the cat’s antics. “I mean look at her, how can you not?”

“So what’s on your mind punk?” Bucky asked casually. “And don’t tell me nothing cause I know you and I know that look.”

Steve scoffed. “What look?”

“That constipated one that says you got heavy shit backed up in there.” Bucky explained, turning his attention back to Arya. “That’s the one I mean.”

“Per usual you got a way with words jerk.” Steve answered, amused by that description. Which was dead-eye accurate. “I do got something on my mind actually.”

“Well then out with it.”

Steve sighed, trying to figure what to say without saying it. “Bucky do you feel safe?” He asked, keeping his voice even. “I mean is it better than before?”

He saw Bucky turn and look at him curiously. “Why would ask that?”

“I just wanna know that’s all.” Steve answered, choosing his words carefully. “Just wanna where you are right now with that?”

He watched as Bucky considered the question for a moment, swinging the string and teasing the cat. Remembering himself how frightened he’d been only a few months ago, when Kovalev had reared his ugly head. And going back further to when he’d first come home and could barely sleep through the night for fear they’d come for him. He’d seen less and less of that as they went along, but knew he was only one trauma from being that way again.

“When I was by myself in Romania, I couldn’t sleep at night sometimes.” He answered finally, not looking at Steve in that moment. “I’d lay there, not only trying to remember stuff but.. I remember being terrified about every sound outside my door. Thinking they’d be coming at any second to take me back.” He saw a pinched look on his face at that moment. “It was a bad way to be and I.. sort carried it with me for a while.” He turned his head to look at Steve now. “It was a hard habit to shake.”

Steve listened to all this, hurting a little for him then. Remembering how skittish he’d bene when he’d first found him. Ready to bolt at any second. To think that he’d lived like that for years was just so painful to think of. But he’d come through it, like everything else.

“And how about now?”

“If I’m being honest there are days when.. I don’t feel so secure but.” Bucky started and paused for a moment, biting his lower lip softly. “But most of time I don’t think about it as much.” He smiled softly at Steve, his eyes showing the truth of that. “So yeah.. I do feel safe Steve. You make me feel safe.”

He was glad of that, but what Bucky had said just made the decision to tell him harder now. Because he was afraid it would shatter that calmness in his eyes that he’d finally gotten back after the latest trauma.

“I’m glad you do Buck.” He told him, getting up and walking over to put his hand on Bucky’s head. “I really am.”

Bucky smiled at him with curious eyes. “So what brought that one?”

“Just needed to know that’s all.” He said, leaning over and kissing his head.

Bucky shifted Arya into his right arm and reached up, grabbing Steve’s shirt playfully. “You know there’s enough room on this chair for all of us right?” He told him, pulling a little harder. “So why don’t you join us?”

“Sure it’ll hold?”

“Oh it will.” Bucky told him, pulling him down into the chair with him. “We have some heavy-duty furniture punk remember?”

Steve smiled at that and climbed right into the chair with him and Arya, and wrapped his hand around Bucky’s head to kiss him right there. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Bucky was still teasing the cat with the toy and smiled against his lips. His husband was a good multi-tasker sometimes.

After a few minutes of that, he laid his head on Bucky’s shoulder and watched him play with the cat just like that, his metal arm wrapped around Steve’s back. It was a fitting end to the day in his mind. Just relaxing with his family this way.

He would tell him tomorrow. Tonight, he wanted to savor the peace and quiet of the moment and he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itemizing a few things in this chapter of interest. Because as often happens, you start out with one plan, and it goes a totally different way here are a few things. 
> 
> Bucky has a lot of worries about what Steve's gonna hear in the upcoming trial. Because he hasn't told him everything, and even thought he knows Steve will accept him no matter what, it doesn't change that feeling of shame and worry over it. Never mind the effect it will have on Steve. Which is important, as how Steve has seen Bucky go through a lot of things and it's a legit worry going forward here. 
> 
> Darkness is a big theme, not necessarily night but that pitch blackness that happens sometimes when you have a power outage where you can't even tell if your eyes are open or not. Sensory deprivation is often used in torture because it does work, they've shown people lose track of time relatively fast in it, hours feel like days, days feel like weeks etc. So the idea that he'd be afraid of it is certainly understandable. 
> 
> Steve needed to know if Kovalev was telling the truth or just trying to get to him, but that was and would always be a hard question to ask. Bucky's ability to not only answer it honestly but to use the proper word is a big step in many ways, and shows where he is now in recovery. So I wanted to put that moment in, after an intense intimate moment, which is the time when Bucky is most likely to talk. Where he feels the most safe. So I really liked adding that part. 
> 
> How Bucky will react to the knowledge that he was, in a sense sold out by people in his orbit is a very interesting element that will be addressed. Because if we remember he has bouts of agoraphobia and paranoia so Steve's got legit concerns about that too. But his decision to let him have a good day was, at least in my opinion, the right one, even if it's just putting it off a bit. 
> 
> I do love Sam, and he and Bucky just naturally bring out both their sarcastic natures. I like Bucky to have to good friends like Sam and Wanda and to highlight the way they interact. 
> 
> I had to bring them back to Coney Island for the day and why not right? Get to do all the fun things they did as kids, and as teenagers too. Their little excursion under the dock being fun of course for all ;) . But my favorite is of course the little girl who reminded Bucky of his sister, and highlighted Bucky's sense of fairness and his good heart, which something he badly needs to be reminded of sometimes. It was meant to sort of make him see it in a new way. And to bring in Becca because, quick frankly, Bucky's sister was awesome from all accounts. 
> 
> The general theme of this was about feeling safe, not just in the regular sense but in your own skin too. And a continuation of Steve's habit of taking Bucky out and doing 'normal' things with him. So I enjoyed yet another little reprieve before the heavy stuff comes again. 
> 
> The next chapter, once again, I don't have a title for it, but you will see Bucky's reaction the information Steve has, as well, for real, the preparation to testify as well. Among other things. 
> 
> Once again thanks to everyone who commented and I appreciate that greatly. And I hope everyone is safe and doing well <3<3<3


	20. Unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork found on my Tumblr per usual :)

When Bucky woke up that morning, he senses something slightly off. There was a fading dream, or more likely a nightmare, just on the edge of his memory, but it wasn’t what woke him up. He was used to those.

It was Steve, holding him tightly from behind. So tight he almost couldn’t breathe. 

Usually this only happened when Steve was scared. Or when he himself had a nightmare. And that’s what worried him. There’d been more of those lately too on his part. He tried to wriggle slightly to loosen himself up and somewhat succeeded, before turned himself around to face him.

“Steve?” Bucky asked, putting his hand on his blonde hair softly. “Are you okay?”

He didn’t answer at first, and Bucky wasn’t sure he was awake until he finally did. “Yeah.” He answered, wrapping Bucky up a little more. As if retightening the grip he’d lost. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were holding me so damn tight I couldn’t breathe that’s why.” Bucky answered, continuing to brush Steve’s hair as he lay there, his face practically against his. now “Care to explain that?”

As he waited for a response to this, he thought about yesterday. Which was a great day from Bucky’s point of view, but he’d sensed something was up with Steve. He had looked fine, happy even, but Bucky had gotten a vibe off him on occasion and was starting to think Wanda’s whole ‘aura’ thing was a real deal. He was getting more and more convinced every day actually.

And there was that strange question last night… _Bucky do you feel safe?_

He’d remembered thinking it was an unusual question. And at the time, he’d accepted the explanation but now. He wasn’t sure. Not with this vibe coming off Steve in waves now. Something was definitely up.

“Maybe I just like to hold you close.” He seemed to joke a little, smiling and nuzzling Bucky’s face. “So you can’t get away.”

Bucky shook his head, not buying that at all, even though the sentiment was cute. He’d said something similar yesterday when he was holding his hand rather tightly at the Cyclone.. _don’t want you to get to far away from me.. _or something like that he’d remembered.

“Stop bullshittin’ me punk.” Bucky said, not unkindly either. “What’s going on?”

“Okay you got me.” Steve told him with a sigh. “I had a bad dream.. the usual kind.” He pulled Bucky a little closer, almost as tight as before but not quite. “About you..”

Bucky knew what he meant by ‘the usual kind’. They mostly involved losing him. He’d had them off and on over the years, but more frequently since the incident with Colonel. He’d wake up clutching Bucky and whining into his hair or neck. And this did feel like one. Although he thought there was a little more to it because of yesterday.

He reached his hand out again and pulled Steve’s face to his neck to comfort him for this. Running his fingers in his hair they always did for each other when one of them had a nightmare. It was often him on the receiving end of this comfort, but he always gave as good as he got when Steve needed it too.

“Is that all?” He asked into Steve’s hair. “Because I feel like there.. more going on..”

He could feel Steve’s arm tighten around his back as he buried his face more against Bucky’s shoulder for a moment. It was still relatively early ,and the room wasn’t completely light yet. Th light-blocker curtains were there specially for that reason. Mostly to allow Bucky to sleep a little later. So it was still hard to see completely, but he could feel a little shudder in Steve, and just hoped he would tell him.

“There is.” Steve admitted after a few minutes of laying like that. “There’s something I.. have to tell you and.. I don’t know how you’re gonna feel about it.”

Bucky was a little worried about that statement but tried to cover that with a little humor. “You ain’t leavin’ me are you punk?” He asked in that vein. “Cause I’m too damn old to start over with someone else..”

“Never.” Steve said, chuckling a little himself before pulling back. “I just.. I found something out yesterday and I didn’t want to tell you then because.. well you were having such a good day and all.”

Bucky looked him, his worry increasing slightly. “How about you just tell me what it is then?” He asked, his mouth feeling dry now. “I can handle it.”

Steve seemed to take a moment to gather himself, and Bucky waited, his hand still in Steve’s hair, watching his eyes. Searching them to try to find the answer before Steve could say it. But he was at a loss, because he couldn’t for the life him of him think of what would make him so apprehensive. Steve was at the compound yesterday morning, going over something with Tony, some Avenger stuff Bucky assumed. But what that did that have to do with him. Unless..

Before he could think on it further however Steve finally answered. And it hit him like a body blow when he said it.

“They were watching you.” He told Bucky, his eyes apologetic. “He was.. for months before we even knew he was here.”

As Bucky listened to him to explain this, he felt that feeling inside he knew so well. The fear and the paranoia that were his constant companion the first several years after he’d escaped from Hydra. The ones that only started to go away within the last year or so. This caused his head to swim and his vision to blur in that familiar way again and a minute tremble in his body. His breathing quickened and his heart felt like it was about to come right out of his chest.

He was having an anxiety attack and desperately was trying to stop it. But that only made it worse.

He heard Steve explain that the Colonel had people in the area, spying on him and watching him for nearly 6 months before making their move and Bucky suddenly remembered odd times when he was out that he felt that feeling in the back of his neck that someone was watching him. At the time he’d dismissed it as paranoia, the Winter Soldier part of his mind overreacting to non-existent threats, but now he knew he should’ve listened to that voice now. He’d gotten complacent and had let his guard down.

They could’ve grabbed him at any time. Hurt Steve or Arya. The thought was terrifying, causing scary scenarios to play in his head over and over again.

He sat up, pressing his hands to his head to try and calm the irrational thoughts in his head. “I knew it..” He pushed out, his hand pushing his hair back nervously. “I felt it and I should’ve.. paid more attention.”

“Bucky..” Steve said softly getting up himself. “There’s no way you could’ve known..”

Steve went to put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders to emphasize this and all of sudden he didn’t want to be touched. Feeling that dangerous panic inside him. It was involuntary reaction he couldn’t help and shook him off almost violently. What the hell was wrong with him? It was Steve for crissakes. He started to feel dizzy, disorientated, feeling like he was only half there now. The rest of his mind was… somewhere else.

It felt like the light in the room was flickering now. He’d realize later it was it was just his eyes fluttering open and closed. But the intermittent light at the time was causing its usual response of bringing the memory of that awful room with the swinging lightbulb. Which raised the anxiety to an 11 on the dial. _Soldat.. compy_… Could feel the burn of the electric current and felt like screaming again.

Then he could hear Steve’s voice from far away sounding worried. “Bucky?” He’d asked, and felt hands on his face. Comforting ones. “Come back.. come one..”

He was stuck in his head again, in that debris laden corridor with one bright end and the black abyss on the other side. His anxiety was pushing him back in there again, when he needed to deal with what was in front of him. And he was getting assailed by multiple sense triggers at once. The smell of burning flesh and the taste of blood, among other things in his mouth. Those voices_ Soldat.._ Said with menace. But there was another voice too.

_Go back to Steve…_ it said in a familiar calm tone. _Steve is safe._

The Winter Soldier speaking in his mind because they were no longer separate here. But he did feel a strange, ghostly tug on his arm, turning him back to that blasted open door that would never close again he knew. Back to Steve and the light. Away from that yawning void.

He became aware of Steve again, seeing his eyes and his worried face. His hands on his face as if holding him here. He could even feel Arya, who had, during this episode, crawled into his lap and pawed at him worriedly, sensing his distress.

Later he’d realized it wasn’t just an anxiety attack. That he might have had a seizure right then and there. He hadn’t had one in a long time, at least not when he was awake. He knew he wasn’t, and never would be, completely free of them. But to have one now was just… terrifying to him to think of how it got triggered so easily. But right now he was just… confused.

“Bucky?” Steve said again, holding his face tighter as he stared in his eyes for confirmation.

“What?” Bucky replied, probably sounding very incoherent at the moment. He usually was after these. “Steve? What?”

Steve hand was now in his hair, sort of fisting it softly and Bucky realized he was holding him up. That there seemed to be no strength in his body right now. His ragged breathing was calming and so was that shake as well. But he felt weak just the same and wasn’t sure why. And the light seemed, really bright. It hurt his eyes even though it was still dim in there.

“I think you might’ve had a seizure.” Steve told him, stilling gripping his hair tightly as if afraid that if he let go Bucky would fall over. And he might’ve been right. “We should call Pam.”

Bucky shook his head and the movement made him diizzy. “I.. I think I have.. an appointment with her today.” He struggled to push out, thoughts and words were still scrambled in his head right now. “A little…” He scrunched his face up. “later I think..”

“Okay but maybe we should go now.” Steve suggested, his other hand now on Bucky’s metal arm. “You were out for like 5 minutes.”

Bucky looked at him even more confused now. It hadn’t felt like that long. Only felt like a few seconds. His eyes felt wide and he knew they were showing way too much confusion. And way too much white. But he didn’t want to go to the hospital just yet. The idea agitated him in this state.

“Not yet..” He told Steve adamantly, grabbing the arm that currently holding his head up weakly. “Later please..” He felt like he was struggling again. “I’ll be alright.”

“Bucky..”

Bucky’s fingers dug into Steve’s arm like a vice. “I said I’m alright.” He growled in and adamant way. “No hospital… I said.. later.”

He actually felt a bit sick to be honest. He always did afterward. One of the many lovely side-effects. But he hadn’t eaten anything yet so that would make it much worse if he let himself throw up now. He saw Steve nod and felt that hand grip his hair tighter, either to hold him up to calm him. Whatever the reason it was comforting, and his fingers loosened their grip on Steve’s arm.

And suddenly he remembered what they’d been talking about that had triggered this as well and felt that sinking fear in him again. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go out at all now. What if there were still.. some of them out there? Hating that paranoid feeling but unable to control it yet. Feeling his eyes even darting to the window as if expecting someone to be there, even though the rational part of his mind knew they were on the second floor.

“You haven’t taken your medication yet .” Steve observed, letting his other hand rub Bucky’s arm. “And you haven’t eaten, we have to take care of that.” He seemed to smile softly at Bucky. “The rest can wait I suppose.”

As Steve sat back a little, still holding his hair but softer now, Bucky grabbed his arm again. “Did they get them all?” He asked, biting his lip. “The ones who were watching me?”

“Yeah.” Steve told him, looking directly into his eyes. “They did. You’re safe now.”

Bucky leaned his head against Steve’s tiredly. His head was pounding now and the light hurt so he closed his eyes. The honesty in Steve’s voice when he said that was comforting as well, allowing the rest of the anxiety to dissipate. He could feel Arya snuggling against him as well as she sat in his lap and his body calmed the rest of the way, leaving him feeling exhausted, even though he’d literally only woken up about 45 minutes ago.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Steve told him after a few minutes of sitting like that. “You were having such a good day yesterday and I just.. wanted to keep it that way.”

Bucky nodded. “I know punk.” He replied, letting a soft sigh out. “It’s okay.. I’m not mad.”

At least he didn’t think he was. He was just too damn tired to be mad he supposed. But he did understand the motivation because yesterday was an incredibly good day. He just couldn’t string 2 good ones together lately. It was frustrating as hell.

“How about I get you something to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.” He said, leaning against him more. “Kinda feel sick actually.”

“I know but you need something in your stomach just in case.” Steve reminded him and kissed him on the head softly. “So no arguemen6s jerk got it?”

“Fine.” He grumbled, but not with any real resistance. “Gotta take that shit with food anyways.”

Referring to his medication, which he knew he’d missed last night which might have contributed to this today. Or just stress. He wasn’t sure. But he wanted to take it today. Along with something for his head too.

“For now.” Steve told him, turning him and laying him down. “You get some more rest okay?” He must’ve saw a look on Bucky’s face and smiled. “No arguments about that either kapish?”

“Aye aye Captain.” Bucky said with a weak salute as Arya crawled up next to him. “You’re the boss.”

Steve gave him another kiss on his head, and it felt so warm on his aching head that his eyes just fluttered shut. “I’ll bring you and ice-pack too.”

Bucky smiled up at him. “My hero.”

He said with a hint of sarcasm, but he really meant it. Steve was and always would be his hero. Because he was in every possible way. In ways the public never saw. It was in every fabric of his makeup, right down to the core and he’d always seen it him. The simple act of getting him food for his stomach and ice-pack for his head were a few of many things really.

Bucky let his eyes shut, trying to put away the memory of earlier and the new knowledge he’d learned. At least for now in an effort to recover from the ill-effects of it. Arya curled up under his metal arm and wrapped her paws around it, purring loudly, which was always a comfort.

As he lay there, his mind turned to when he was alone in that small apartment in Romania, when everything hurt, and he was just tired and scared all the time. He’d felt that way a little while ago but knew it was different this time.

This time he wasn’t alone. And he was, no matter how upset he’d been at that news, still safe.

It’s what allowed him to rest for a little bit, with a purring cat anchoring him this present whenever the past started to creep on him again. He dozed again, resting his aching head until Steve came back.

\--

When he brought some food up, along with the ice, Bucky was napping with Arya. He still looked pretty pale and tired and that still worried Steve. Even though Bucky had assured him he had an appointment later, he wanted to take him now, just call off the thing with Sharon. But he respected Bucky’s desire to just wait a little longer. Even it was sometimes against his better judgement, he respected Bucky’s wishes for now at least.

“Hey.” He said, nudging him gently after putting everything down. “I brought you something to eat.”

“Ain’t hungry.” Bucky grumbled again, blinking against the light. “Feel sick.”

“You still gotta eat jerk.” He told him patiently. “Better to have something in your stomach just in case.” He smiled at him, brushing his hair softly. “Besides it’s only cereal.”

Bucky seemed to grudgingly try to get up, even though it was clear his head was killing him now. It was almost like he was hungover. All the symptoms were there including irritability and a headache. Which ironically seemed to be the side-effects he had after a sever anxiety attack. Or in this case, an obvious seizure. So he helped him up and slid in behind him so Bucky could rest his back against Steve’s chest.

“Just don’t be surprised if I puke Fruit loops all over your lap punk.” Bucky warned as he got comfortable. “Just sayin’”

Steve actually chuckled at that as he handed him the bowl. “I’ll consider myself warned. Now eat something.”

He wanted him to eat, not just to have something in his stomach but so he could take his medication too, which he was sure he had forgotten to do while out yesterday. It was unusual because Bucky was actually pretty religious about that, especially lately. But he supposed it had been such a good day he’d been distracted and forgot. Which might have explained what happened earlier. But he knew it wasn’t the only reason. Stress over the upcoming trial had something to do with this too.

The news hadn’t helped either. But he wasn’t going to talk about that unless Bucky wanted to.

He watched Bucky took said medication with the orange juice on the dresser and then pressed the ice[ack to his head as he ate. Slowly and without much relish. Most likely more to humor Steve than anything.

“Feel better?” He asked, adjusting the pack on his head with one hand and wrapped his other one around Bucky’s stomach.

“A little.” Bucky said, shrugging a little as he finished up. “Still a bit nauseous though.”

“Sharon’s supposed to come by today for some follow-up questions.” He told him as he ate his cereal. “If you’re not feeling up to it I can put it off til tomorrow.”

“Naw it’s fine.” Bucky told him, shaking his head. “Might as well get it over with.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m goddamn sure.” Bucky answered with a little more force than usual. “I don’t wanna put shit like this off any longer than I have to.” He paused and put his bowl down and seemed to calm. “What I mean is there is never gonna be a good time for these things.”

“I know.” Steve said in a soft tone, letting his hand rub Bucky’s stomach soothingly. “I was just checking.”

He felt Bucky lean back a little more against him, allowing Steve to press the pack against his head while they waited for both the medications he took to take effect. It was easier to take them both at once. He felt him relax a little more, his breathing even and he even started to get a little color back. Not a lot but some.

“Sorry.” He heard Bucky say after a few minutes. “I just.. hate this shit that’s all.”

He adjusted the pack on Bucky’s head and nuzzled his neck softly. “I know you do. I hate it too.” He said into his ear. “And I’m sorry I had to.. tell you that.”

“It ain’t your fault punk stop apologizing” Bucky said adamantly. “You didn’t cause any of this shit.”

He felt like he did though. Like Bucky was fine until he’d opened his mouth and spilled it. But he knew he’d had no choice in the matter really. And Bucky might have had the seizure anyway, he was under a great deal of stress over his upcoming testimony and a severe anxiety attack was probably inevitable. But like with everything else, Steve had the habit of blaming himself for what was wrong with Bucky, when he’d had little to do with it. The old voice that berated him _If I’d just caught him that day on the train none of this would’ve happened.._ It was hard voice to ignore sometimes, not matter how many times he was told he wasn’t to blame.

That old guilt could inflict more pain than any actual person, and he wasn’t sure it would ever go away completely.

He suddenly felt Bucky get antsy and move the cat off his lap where she’d been resting. “You okay?” He asked, concerned, thinking he might be having another one. But it wasn’t that.

“No..” Bucky said shortly as he pulled away from him. “Fruit Loops are coming back up..”

Steve immediately let him go and saw him scramble to the bathroom just off their bedroom, seeming to just make in time. He heard the familiar sound that followed and winced. He gave him a moment or two to let him finish before going in and seeing him leaning over the bowl clutching it, his hair hanging in his face looking miserable.

He grabbed a towel and knelt down next to him. “Well at least you had something in your stomach.”

“Fuck you.” Bucky said crossly as he flushed the toilet and took the towel. “Shit tastes nasty.”

Steve reached out and brushed some of that hair back from his still pale face. “Feel better now?”

Shaking his head, Bucky held a finger up and promptly threw up again, this time it was just dry heaves. He rubbed the back of his neck until the fit stopped. He then watched as Bucky looked up at him with softness and what looked like gratitude in his eyes.

“I heard the.. ultimate test of a.. relationship is when someone can sits with you when you’re puking and not.. run away..” Bucky told him with a hoarse, breathless voice. “You’ve definitely.. pass the test punk.” He then managed to smile. “I got me a keeper here.”

Steve smiled in return at that. “Well I meant what I said jerk.” He said as he kissed his warm head softly. “End of the line remember?”

He let him clean himself up ad do what he needed to do to just recover from it all. Figured he’d wait downstairs for him, have some more food ready for him when he wanted it. For now, he just let him alone for a bit and took care of some things around the house for now.

When Bucky came down a little later, he had a little more color on his skin. Also looking like he’d taken a quick shower and thrown on a t-shirt that read ‘not today’ on it with a hand up as if waving someone off, which seemed appropriate. He’d pulled his hair back a little, in a sort of loose contraption, more just to get it away from his face. He looked better that was for sure.

“Hey sunshine.” Steve told him, trying to be cheerful. “Wanna try eating again.”

Bucky crinkled his face a little at that as he sat on one of the island chairs. “I suppose I should..” He said as he was handed some water. “Just no more Fruit Loops okay.. don’t want those for a while.”

“Sure thing.” Steve agreed and popped some English Muffins in the toaster.

He put some peanut butter on the muffins and gave to Bucky, who while still looking apprehensive, ate it just the same. He loved peanut butter and for some reason it was one of the few foods he could keep down when he wasn’t feeling well.

It wasn’t long after there was a ping on Steve’s phone, indicating Sharon was there. He saw Bucky pinch his face again and felt some concern, wondering if he was having second thoughts. But he just nodded at Steve to go ahead.

After letting her in, and exchanging pleasantries, it was always nice to see and old friend after all, they came into the kitchen where Bucky was sitting. The cat had once again sought out her dark-haired Daddy and was sitting on his lap yet again. The little cat just knew when Bucky needed her it seemed.

Sharon stopped him, seeing Bucky like he was. “Is this a bad time?” She asked Steve quietly. “Because he doesn’t look good.”

“He had a rough morning.” Steve explained. “It happens sometimes.”

“I can come back another time if you want.”

“I’m fine.” Bucky said out loud, probably hearing everything. “It’s alright.”

Steve nodded to her and Sharon went over to where Bucky was and smiled tentatively at him. She wasn’t always sure how to approach him sometimes. Not necessarily out of fear but more out of respect for the fact that every time he seemed to see, shit was going down.

“We’ll try to make this as quick as possible okay?” She told him, pulling something out of her bag. A folder it seemed. “Just need you to look a few pictures and give some extra information for the Advocate handling the case. If you feel up to it that is.”

“Sure.” Bucky answered, seeming to keep himself steady and calm. And Steve noticed he was petting Arya with his hand under the table. “Whatever we gotta do right?”

“A lot of these people are known associates of Colonel Kovalev and Hydra sympathizers. “ She explained to him as Steve sat down on the other side of the counter, giving Bucky some space. “We need to see if you recognize or identity any of them..” She paused and then added. “From then or recently.”

He watched as Bucky looked through them, periodically stopping and putting a finger on a particular face. Some of which Steve had recognized too from around the area. But there were others that were most likely from earlier one, people who he’d seen while still with Hydra. He saw his eyes flicker and his face pinch at some of them. Hearing the catch in his voice as he identified where he knew them from. Sometimes even giving details about them that had vaguely painful undertones.

“Some of these people aren’t just Hydra sympathizers though. “ Sharon added, opening a file and showing them something a little more disturbing. “Some of them are affiliated with the Russian mafia as well. Kovalev had ties tot them as well, no surprise there, and there is a potential RICO as well once the International Court is done with him. “

“What did the Bratva have to do with this?” Bucky asked, his voice hitching a little. Sounding like he knew a bit about that Organization. Most likely had had some contact with them at one time.

“That’s the thing we’re trying to figure out.” Sharon said as she looked things over herself. “According to one of the witnesses we turned, who is in deep hiding right now, they were… interested in you. “ She saw the look on their faces and added. “But we have no confirmation of that.”

Steve himself was thinking some black thoughts about what that might mean. It would make sense that Bratva would’ve known of the Winter Soldier, considering their reach, and the fact that they would’ve had some connection to Hydra as well. He was thinking more and more, that Kovalev’s plan was more intricate than just getting Bucky for himself. Remembering the letter that implied it wasn’t just him. The use of the term ‘we’ had been used a bit. And Bucky seemed to come to this conclusion himself as well.

“They were helping him because they wanted me for my… skills.” He said, looking a little pale again. “And he… well.. it benefited him in lots of ways too I suppose.”

“Like I said, we don’t know for certain.” She made sure to point out. “These people did run in the same dark circles thought so we are going to continue investigate.”

To Steve it looked like she might’ve known more, and he would have to ask her sometimes. But he also knew she probably couldn’t tell them at this moment. Was taking a risk telling them this much ass it was. But he did need to ask her something important.

“He’s not in any danger is he?”

“According to our sources no.” Sharon told them. “He’s too high-profile to harm at this point. And since he is the spouse of an Avenger they won’t risk harming him that way now that this is public.” She smiled and added. “It’s one organization in the world Bratva won’t mess with it seems. They just wanted the knowledge in his head maybe as a way to train their own people, they wouldn’t have risked kidnaping Bucky for the above reasons.”

“And the Colonel wanted me.” Bucky said bitterly and could see that anger just below the surface. “They were just convenient to use for that means.”

Steve was starting to think that the War Crimes Tribunal was not the biggest risk to Kovalev’s health. Neither were him or Bucky. Bratva was vicious and relentless and would not like being used in that way. The man’s day’s were most likely numbered, and although that organization was bad news, there was a part of him that actually hoped they’d succeed in this one.

“There is one more matter we need to discuss.” Sharon said as she marked the identifications. “The Advocate will be meeting with you when you get to Brussels and before that needs to know if there is anything you want to add to the list of charges. There’s already 4 main Crimes against Humanity in the main indictment but we need to ask if there’s any more.”

Steve knew the main charges in the huge indictment included Murder, Torture, Imprisonment and Enslavement. That was a lot but knew there something else Bucky could add too, because it was going to come up he was sure. He looked at him studying him as he seemed looking inward for a moment or two.

“Yeah umm is Rape one of those?” He asked hesitantly, almost as if admitting this out loud to her was really difficult to spit out. And Steve knew it was.

“Yes it is.” Sharon said soberly, her eyes turning sympathetic. “Are you saying that happened?”

Bucky nodded, and Steve reached over and gripped his hand under the table. “Yeah.”

“Okay then.” She told him, looking directly at Bucky. “I’ll inform them.” She packed up her stuff and then turned back to him. “You know it’s really brave what your doing because I could only imagine how hard this is for you.”

He seemed to give her a soft look. One that indicated that he might’ve have already accepted her as a friend now. He hadn’t fully trusted her for good reason. The organization she’d worked for had not only hunted him down with an attempt to kill, but had tricked him into being taken back to the US. Had put him in that awful hospital. But she’d been one of the ones that helped get him out as well. If only originally for Steve’s sake. She was an ally and Bucky was finally seeing that.

And he was proud of him too. Thinking he was so damn strong and had come so far.

“Thanks. “ He said to her, seeming to mean it too. “I got a lot to make up for so… the least I can do is help nail them and get some justice.” He bit his lip and looked down at the cat. “For them at least.”

“Don’t forget yourself.” Sharon corrected. “You deserve justice too.”

Steve had hoped that sooner later a statement like that might sink in. That he would realize he was doing this for himself too. Not just for the people he’d killed under their command. Against his will. That he might have been the biggest victim of all. If he’d just accept that. If it took the rest of his damn life Steve was determined to make him see that.

“Thanks Sharon.” Steve told her, meaning it too. “For everything.”

As he was escorting her out, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts for the moment, he had one more question to ask as well. “About that other thing we talked about?”

She turned to him at the door. “When the time is right you’ll get it .” She told him and gave him a quick hug. . “I promise.” She then pulled back and smiled. “Take of him. And yourself and I’ll see in Brussels.”

He nodded to her, saying his goodbyes and went back to where Bucky was sitting, still seemingly thinking about everything. He put his hand on his face, turning to him and gave him a soft kiss.

“You alright?”

Bucky paused before answered. “Not really.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.” He answered and put his hand around Steve’s neck. “If that’s alright.”

He wrapped Bucky up in his arms at that moment, deciding he’d let him be. He’d had a rough morning after all. “That’s fine.” He said against his head. “Tell you what… how about after your appointment we go get some dinner and whatever else we feel like.”

“Sounds lovely punk.” Bucky seemed to agree, pulling back and letting his hands rest on Steve’s waist. “I’m up for whatever Magical Mystery Tour you got planned.”

Steve smiled at that, like yesterday, just wanting distract him from things for now. They could stay somewhat close to home too. In fact he already had an idea for tonight.

“Alright then.” He said, hiding that plan for now. “We should get going.. don’t’ wanna keep Pam waiting after all.”

\--

“It’s kinda hot in here..” Bucky said breathlessly as he lay under Steve in the back of the car. “Everyone is gonna know what we’re up to punk.”

He was referring to the steamed up windows that were already coated with condensation. The heat they were generating just by their heavy make-out session, for which they were already half-dressed, was so thick it could’ve rained inside the truck.

Steve’s lips were currently fastened to a very intimate part of his body, where his jeans were pulled halfway off. “Yeah..well..” He breathed against Bucky’s heated skin. “I suppose we could.. stop..”

“Oh hell no..” Bucky growled, digging his metal fingers into Steve’s neck. “Just open the sunroof dumass.”

The truck had one, and Bucky could see the moon through it clearly as they parked partly under the Brooklyn Bridge. They’d had dinner after his appointment, a delicious lasagna meal that had been the most solid thing he’d eaten all day, and then they’d stopped here. In one of their favorite places to go parking and, well, relieve some stress of the day.

Pam did, after all, say he needed to relax. And this was one of the best ways to do it in his opinion.

It had gone well in most respects. His body, most importantly his lungs, were almost healed from the injury he’d received. Even though she’d said she’d like to see his blood oxygen get a little higher than its 94 percent, but he was most of the way there on that. It was the anxiety attack/seizure she was more concerned about.

“Your heartrate up, really up.” She told him as she checked it. “Which means your stress is up and it’s most likely what triggered it today. I think I want to monitor this a little more. Especially with the upcoming event.”

“Di that trigger this?” Steve asked, a little alarmed and Bucky knew what he was thinking. That he’d caused it “Is that why it happened again.”

Bucky wanted to put a stop to that as quickly and was thankful when Pam sort of did. “Seizures occur as a glitch in the signals in the brain.” Ste told them. “Stress doesn’t cause that, although it did cause the initial anxiety attack which may acerbated something that was already occurring. “ She gave Steve a stern look. “You didn’t cause this his brain did and his works in very strange ways as we’ve seen.”

He’d recalled he’d induced a few by concentrating too hard and thought maybe he’d done it again. Pam seemed to hint at this without really saying it because it continued to astound his doctors what his brain did on a regular basis.

“I caused it.” He’d said out loud in a musing tone. “Didn’t I?”

“In a manner of speaking..” Pam answered, studying the results of his brain scan. “You did and we still can’t figure out how or why.”

This had certainly been an astounding thing to hear. And he’d spent the rest of his time there, and a good part of dinner trying to wrap his mind once again around how it was possible to trigger your own seizure and why he’d done it at all. Between that and the information he’d gotten this morning his head was spinning and he’d needed this excursion to sort of.. clear the air and calm his over-stimulated mind. Possibly by stimulating his body instead. It was a pleasant trade off.

And he really, really didn’t want to think about earlier. All the new information. And what was on the horizon as well. So he was grateful Steve had brough him here for all those reasons.

“Alright jerk.” Steve said above him with a heavy sigh, pulling him away from his thoughts. “If you insist.”

Bucky watched with amusement as Steve leaned over the seat to find the proper button to open the sunroof. The radio was playing some of that lovely music Wanda had bought for him, and that, along with the sight in front of him, of Steve’s perfect, partially covered ass, was a welcome distraction from all those confusing thoughts.

“Damn punk.” He observed, sucking in a breath as he sat up a little. “That really is America’s ass..” He saw Steve flick his eyes over his shoulder and raised his hand to his head. “I feel like saluting it.”

Steve found the button and as he opened it, he wiggled his ass right in his face. “Now Sergeant Barnes.” He said with a hint of a command in his voice. “That’s not the kind of respect you show your Captain.”

“Sorry sir.” Bucky said in a haughty tone as he grabbed a hold of the pockets of Steve’s jeans and yanked on them. “But I’m feeling really patriotic right now.” He grinned evilly. “And a little hungry too.”

Before Steve could turn around Bucky pulled those jeans down further and got his hands on that gorgeous perfect ass and bit down one of the cheeks possessively. The surprised sound Steve made just made it even better as he sucked a mark of ownership right on the cheek, growling softly as he did. Got he loved doing that. It wasn’t the first time he had, but it always surprised Steve and Bucky loved that. The fact that Steve turned slightly and grabbed his hair just added to it.

Bucky then responded to that by latching on to Steve’s stomach with his hands from behind and basically climbing him he would a tree, all the while dragging his lips and tongue up his back at he did. He then dug his fingers into that glorious chest like manacles and sunk his teeth into his neck this time, growling possessively again as he did. He felt wild and out of control, in need of some ‘taming’ from the only one who could.

“I love you.” He growled into Steve’s ear after finally releasing his neck. “My Captain…. _Mine_…”

Once again, he knew what he wanted to do, to bend him right over the seat and just rail him, but he knew he wasn’t quite there yet. Was still scared of letting go of himself too much. But this was fun just the same. . He sunk his teeth back into Steve’s neck and gripping him tighter, feeling a growl from his beautiful blonde husband, a deep one that signified he was in for it now and he couldn’t be happier about that

And sure enough Steve whirled around his arms fluidly and grabbed his hair again before crushing their lips together, tongue colliding violently. Bucky moaned as his hair was pulled tighter and his own hands gripped onto Steve’s ass just as tightly as he had on his chest. Using the metal fingers to perfection with their strong grip, causing Steve to growl deeply into his mouth and basically toss Bucky down onto the backseat of the truck again. Not exactly a slam but not entirely gentle either.

Got he loved when he did, that, grinning stupidly against his lips.

“Is that how you want it?” Steve growled as he tore his lips away and gripped Bucky’s hair even harder. “Cause that was very bad Sergeant.”

“Uh huh.” Bucky purred back, loving that growly command coming into Steve’s voice. “Whatcha gonna do about it punk?”

Steve didn’t answer at first, just smothered his lips in another deep kiss, while stripping off Bucky’s remaining clothes roughly. Bucky moaned at this as their tongues wrestled against each other yet again in their eternal dance. He was on fire in so many different ways today. It was unlike yesterday where it was just fun and defiance, this was something he craved in a primal way. To be dominated and controlled by his mate and he wanted it badly like a thirsty man needed water.

And he didn’t care if the whole damn Burrough heard him through the sunroof. He needed release.

His hips were grabbed roughly, and his feet braced against the window as Steve pulled his lips away again to stare down at him for what seemed like a long lusty moment. And then he let go of him just for a second, and with Bucky’s thigs still clutching his hips, grabbed the blanket and once again bunched it up and put it behind his head. Bucky once again had a moment to think of how considerate this was even in the midst of the raw passion they were both feeling.

Soon his hands were back on Bucky’s hips and he leaned over him, just inches away from his faced. “Can’t let my boo bear hurt that precious head of his after all.”

Bucky looked up at him, his arms still at his side, with the deepest look of adoration in his eyes. “You’re such a sap Rogers..” He breathed, lifting his hands to his face and nuzzled it in the soft calm before. “But your my sap..”

“Yes I am..” Steve told him as gripped him harder and pushed into him. “And I always will be..”

Bucky’s eyes rolled, his feet pressing against the window as Steve plowed into him, not holding back at all. He could feel the truck rock underneath like a damn earthquake and yelled his pleasure right out of the open sunroof for the world to hear. He scratched and bit Steve’s skin and flew into that perfect zone of pure instinct, putting the stress of the day away in grad fashion.

\--

Steve could tell his was close by the way his eyes were rolling. By the painful yet pleasurable sting of those metal fingers digging sharply into the back of his neck. So he went harder and deeper, pushing him to the edge, until the desired effect was achieved, Bucky literally howling this time as he came hard, and his own climax followed soon after.

Thankfully this truck had great shocks because they’d certainly tested them tonight.

He had been so turned on by the way Bucky had bitten down on his ass like that. And then just.. climbed all over him like an wild animal. He’d done that before. Including when they were younger, and it always revved his engine in that deep, very primal way. The fucking that ensued was evidence of that. And unlike before, when he’d gone hard at him, the remorse was no longer a problem. Bucky wanted this, had made it clear many times he was okay with it and it had finally penetrated. And with that came a beautiful freedom for them both.

“Wow..” Bucky seemed to gasp as Steve collapsed onto him heavily. “I nearly.. kicked out.. the fucking window there towards the end.. when you did that… last thing…”

Steve smiled and nuzzled his neck, letting his hands trail over Bucky’s hips and thighs as he laid between them. “I think we almost flipped the truck over actually.” He mused, letting his teeth grazed that lovely neck. “Now that would’ve gotten some attention.”

Bucky actually laughed heartily underneath him, and Steve could feel the vibration against his own chest. After the way the day had started, it was ending much better in his mind. So he raised his head and kissed him again, feeling him continue to laugh as he was kissed, totally at ease now.

“Well punk if I’d died at that moment..” Bucky breathed against his lips. “I’d die pretty fucking happy.”

He felt that same sentiment, thinking how incredible it all had been. He actually shifted a little on top of Bucky, feeling that pleasant sting in his asscheck and smiled up at him. “My ass still hurts by the way.” He told him, nuzzling his neck as if smelling him. ‘You got really sharp teeth there jerk.”

“All the better to eat you with my dear.” Bucky purred into his ear, causing a shiver to run through Steve as he did. “Do you need me to kiss it and make it better?”

At that point he felt Bucky’s flesh hand rubbing the spot where he’d bit him. Just kneading it softly the way Steve always did for him. They’d left plenty of marks on each over the years while in the throws but always took care of each other afterward. And the idea of Bucky actually doing that again was intoxicating in of itself.

“Maybe after I take care of you first.” Steve told him, sucking softly on his neck. “Sort of like a.. quid pro quo type thing?”

“I do like when you say fancy w words like that punk.” Bucky responded in a breathy voice as Steve slid down and pressed his face in this stomach. “It’s so freakin’ adorable.”

His Brooklyn was showing now, the inflection in his voice was music to Steve’s ears. To hear that continuing to come back was great to hear. Reminding of him when they’d do these things in secret when they were younger. Like yesterday under the dock and Coney and now here, under the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge. It felt like coming back full circle sometimes.

He wrapped his hands around Bucky’s waist, pressing his face more into his stomach and just took a deep inhale oh his balmy skin. Feeling his metal fingers flex into his neck and the salty air through the open sunroof.

Steve sucked on his hip bone softly and used one of his hands to just to stroke and massage him in places he knew were sore, even if Bucky didn’t complain about it. Taking care of each other was part of it. Soothing little hurts as well as the big ones. He could hear him purr in that sweet way deep in his chest, the vibration going right down to his stomach. He even moved of his legs to allow for more more room for Steve to work. And spent a little time pleasuring him with that hand, using his mouth elsewhere, to draw every ounce of pleasure out of his body that he could.

He felt Bucky yank his hair at that moment and then seem to pass out under him in exhaustion. And looked up to see a contented smiled on his face as he slept. So he just slid up him a little and rested his head on his stomach again, satisfied that he’d accomplished his goal.

They both dozed like that for a little while and then Steve felt Bucky pull on his hair again, gently this time, to weak him up. “Now it’s my turn to do something for you punk.” He told him, pushing him up a little. “That’s the deal remember?”

Steve felt almost breathless at this proposition. “A deal is a deal..”

They shifted very fluidly, so that now Steve’s head was laying where Bucky’s feet had been not long before. But Bucky had a wrinkle in this change. “On your stomach big guy.” He said with a little growl in his voice and then added with a saucy smile. “Pretty please.”

Steve very agreeably did this too, and then once again felt Bucky’s lips on the same cheek he’d bitten earlier, only this time it was soft and loving. Using his tongue to massage it softly. It literally felt so good he felt he could pop right there. But he didn’t just stop at that spot, he ran those lips and tongue all over him and pleasured him like had always bene done for him, his hands Steve’s hips so he could feast to his heart’s content. He knew Bucky wasn’t ready for anything more than this, although he ached for it internally, but this was more than enough, and Steve lost himself in that feeling, gripping the fabric of the seat under him as he did.

Once he was finished, Bucky sort laid down half on Steve’s back and ran his hand up and down his hip. Those very same luscious lips that just pleasured him so sweetly were now nuzzling the back of his neck, finding a tender spot he’d left as well, as they laid like that on the flattened back seat, both of them bare-assed and exposed through the open sunroof and not caring in the slightest.

“I wish I could more for you sometimes punk.” He heard Bucky say with his lips pressed to his shoulder. “At least much as you do for me.”

Turning slightly, Steve laid on his arm and faced him, lifting his other arm to brush Bucky’s hair softly away from his face. “You do more than enough Buck.” He whispered to him. “The rest can wait.”

He knew that it bothered him, that he couldn’t do more yet. Steve could sense the fear in him whenever he got close to that possibility of topping him like that. That he’d thought he’d hurt him or something. Steve understood that fear in a way because he’d had to overcome it too. For different reasons though. Based more on what had been done to Bucky before, not what he could do to him. But for Bucky it was the exact opposite.

“Yeah I know.” Bucky said, resting his hand on the place where he’d bitten him earlier as if continuing to take care of it. “I gotta have more patience with myself… yada yada yead.”

Steve just wrapped an arm around his back and pulled him closer so their heads were pressed together, lips barely and inch apart. He wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and held him there to look in his eyes just like that.

“Yes you do jerk.” He told him. “Stop berating yourself and be patient.” He nuzzled their lips together softly. “Relax.”

“I’m tryin’ punk.” Bucky whispered, his eyes closed, breathing deep and slow. “I really am.”

Steve kissed him softly, letting it linger for a moment before reaching for the blanket, which had fallen on the car floor when they’d shifted around, and pulled it over both of them. He then buried his face in Bucky’s hair and held him close under it, hearing the sounds of the cars on the bridge above their heads. And the night sounds settling around them as well.

“Today started out kinda shitty.” Bucky said into his neck, entwining his feet with Steve’s under the blanket. “But it sure as hell got better.” He seemed to smile against him. “Should bite your ass more often.”

Steve smiled at that and clicked his tongue a little. “Wow, such a dirty mouth from such a pretty boy.”

“Fuck off punk” Bucky retorted, nipping Steve’s neck playfully again. “I’m a 103 year old man, I can fucking swear as much as I damn well want.. In fact-“

Steve didn’t let him finish, just shook his head and grabbed Bucky’s hair tightly at that moment. “Well then..” He growled, seeing that feistiness in Bucky’s eyes again. “I guess I’m just have to occupy that fresh mouth with some other task won’t I?”

He then pulled his ornery bear into another kiss, doing exactly what he promised to do. And the only sounds that came from his beautiful brunette were soft moans of approval, as the moon rose over the Manhattan skyline behind them.

\--

He came across the painting while going through his bag and took it out, studying it. It was one of his unfinished ones, which he had a few of. And as he studied it he’d understood why. Because it had frightened him so much at the time he’d stopped and put it away. But now here it was again staring him in the face.

It was a few days before they had to leave for the Netherlands and Bucky was getting ready, packing a few things away in his travel paint kit. Feeling edgy and nervous the closer the trial got to the departure date and this didn’t help. But in the back of his mind he was thinking maybe there was a reason he’d found it now after all this time.

It was mostly black and white, sort of self-portrait with splashes of red. And Bucky knew the red was literal and symbolic. It was blood smears of course, but it was almost the color of his anger. Of his rage.

That rage was like another presence in his mind. Taking on its own form here on canvas.

The one he was so scared of he felt like he needed to contain it for fear it would hurt someone. The type of rage he’d seen in his father’s eyes that awful night. And knew had been in his own those times when he’d lasted out, in deadly ways, at some of his captors.

He’d felt it when he had the Colonel in the old subway tunnel. Felt it wanting to come out and wreck havoc. And he’d wanted to let that beast out. That was what was so scary. How good it felt when he let it go that time in the room. The one with the flickering light bulb.

Bucky could admit this to himself now. That that’s why he was scared of it. 

He actually brought it over to the easel and put it on it. Studied it. Brought himself back to that feeling again. The way it had flowed through him and powered him. It was a part of him, like the Winter Soldier but not him at the same time. And like the Soldier, it felt separate sometimes as well. A feral, red-streaked demon. And it was still very much inside him even now, clawing below the surface. That scary yet pleasurable burn under his skin. The one that he sometimes scratched at his own skin just to relieve it a little.

That monster that sometimes wanted out of its dark cage. It was exhausting to hold it in sometimes.

“Talk to me.” He said to his own mind, opening the paints. “Let’s do this.”

The house was quiet and still. Steve was out at the compound again and he was alone. He felt the itch, the burn start to come up and it was okay to show it when no one was around. The cat was sleeping somewhere, letting him be. That was good. Safer.

The smears were blood he knew. Whether it was his own or someone else’s didn’t matter. Blood was all over this one. He could smell it in his nostrils as his mind opened again, seeing the scene with clearer eyes as he went inside again. Not noticing himself lift the brush and paint as he looked in. To the deep dark to find that other part of him. The one the Winter Soldier had held back for him. .

An image appeared again. From that recurring dream of sitting against a cold stone wall with his arms and neck chained to it. He felt warm and cold at the same time. Cold because he lacked clothes, but warm because there was blood all over him. Still sticky, some of it running over the segments of metal on his arm and dripping onto the floor.

Drip. Drip. He could hear it. Was there again, his mind flipping him into that place again. Where it all felt real again..

_The mirror that face him was two-way and he looked into it, seeing that blood smeared monster glaring back. He barely recognized his own eyes, they looked wild, almost feral. When the two men came in from his previous dreams, he barely looked up at them, just kept starting at himself. And at that moment he’d understood why one the voices had seemed familiar all this time. _

_One of them was the Colonel. _

_He and the other man were speaking, and the conversation was in Russian, and at this point, completely irrelevant to him. He’d gone over this before. It was when the other one left that his mind finally continued the broken memory for him. _

_The Colonel crouched down in front him and a growl came out of his throat at him getting that close. A dangerous one that warned the man in the uniform that this one would bite. Would tear him apart if he could. Visions of getting his chain loose and wrapping it around his neck and tightening it until it literally came off, raged the mind of this now dangerous animal. One that was starting to understand its abilities quite well. But it didn’t stop the Colonel from reaching out and touching him just the same._

_“So beautiful.” He said in Russian that Bucky could understand perfectly now. “And so deadly.” The hand that touched his face was confusingly gentle. “I cannot wait to teach you Soladat..” _

_The teeth of the blood covered man actually snapped at him defensively, the arms pulling dangerously on the chains, not caring if they dug into the flesh wrist, or even into his neck. What was a little more pain when it hurt to sit or flex his broken fingers. After all of the horrors inflicted. His mind had snapped, had lost sight of any reason after slaughtering the others, and all he felt was the need to lash out again. The man may have been gentle, but like any animal, he sensed the malice within and didn’t trust him. _

_This was the other side of him. The other part. The one that he kept deeply hidden because it belonged in the dark. It had nothing to do with the Winter Soldier, the calmer, rational, obedient machine. This part was the exact opposite. A creature of pure rage. That built up rage of years of abuse and torture. The part of him his captors were most afraid of. And so was he. _

_“You will be perfect.” The Colonel whispered to him, continuing to touch him in that gentle, yet menacing way that he would always mistrust. “You will change the world.” _

_That part of him growled like a tiger about to pounce, and sure enough that gentle hand reached and gripped his hair, yanking roughly, wrapping his other hand around his throat and got right in his face. There was no fear there, unlike the others. Psychopaths had no real fear, because to him, this bloody thing was little more than animal that needed to tamed. _

_“You will learn Soldat.” The Colonel hissed at him. “That I am your master… “ He pulled his hair harder like the other one did, which caused some of the fight to fade as a result. “You will comply I promise.” _

_All of this spoke in Russian, a language Bucky hated but perfectly understood now. And he felt the fear in the weak part of himself. And in the Winter Soldier as well, who seemed to push aside that raging part of him with ease. _He will use the blue light.._ he said in their head. _We must comply..

_The fight left the body quickly at that. All parts of Bucky were afraid of that. The various ways they’d used it. The mind-numbing pain like no other. And with that the hand in his hair relax and began to pet in that uncomfortable way. And the one around his neck moved off his neck and rest on the bare leg, touching that more intimately than the inner part of him wanted. _

_There was another parson who’d touched him like that he vaguely remembered. But when that one did it, it didn’t feel like this. It felt sweet and good. He struggled but couldn’t find it, the memory was blurred by pain and madness now. But it was there. A soft voice that spoke and made him feel warm and… safe._

I love you.._ It whispered, maddeningly close to a visual but not there. All he could see was those strange lights. _

_“That’s a good Soldat.” The man in front of him whispered, the voice much colder than the other. “Now you will learn the rest.. and once you comply there could be… rewards..” _

_That filthy feeling hand moved over him, touching more of him even as the other alternated between loosely holding his hair and petting it. It made him feel more grimy than the blood did. He continued to growl but it wasn’t as loud or menacing as before. It was more like whimper to be honest. _

_“I will take care of you Soldat..” The terrible man, who breath often smelled like vodka, said to him. “As long as you do what you’re told it won’t hurt this much..” _

_But oh that was lie. He knew it even then. But he wanted to believe it then and nodded. Anything to stop the relentless pain. Even for a few minutes. So he let the last of his fight leave him. And saw the triumph in the mans eyes as he did.. the cold eyes of a master.._

Bucky snapped out of this vision. This flashback or whatever it was. And looked at the painting in front of him. He’d finished and hadn’t remembered doing it. It was a terrifyingly accurate self-portrait of that other part of him, complete with the blood and chains and red rage in his eyes. It was the other side of him he knew.

He felt the tremble go through him and shakily put the brush down. Looking at his hand and seeing the streaks of red all over it. Seeing it on his arm. And feeling it on his neck and face. Red paint. Red blood. Like a mirror. He felt that monster inside him, clawing at him now. Felt the metal fingers, itching to scratch and let it out. And terrified of what would happen if he did.

He felt like no amount of destroying punching bags would satiate this anger if he did.

Remembering another therapy session once where he’d hinted it at this. And Amelia’s words came back to him powerfully. “You’ve spent decades suppressing the pain and the anger over everything they did to you.” She’d explained in her soft way. “So of course it’s terrifying to confront that but you have to eventually.”

“But I could hurt someone.” He told her, his fingers scratching at his arm unconsciously. “Really hurt someone.”

“I know you feel that way.” She continued. “But if don’t find a healthy way to express it, it will consume you.” She motioned to his scratching. “And you could hurt yourself again.”

Bucky had been at a loss for not only how to answer that, but as to how to find a healthy outlet for releasing this anger. He wanted to cage this part of himself up in that darkness on the other end of the hallway so it wouldn’t stalk him and the Soldier. And threaten those that he loved either. But knowing continuing to suppress it wasn’t good either.

Wanda had sensed this in him too, telling him there was red and black in his aura as well that felt dangerous. Telling him once while he was still in the hospital, that she’d seen it that day in the tunnel.

“It’s why I took over.” She told him, her hand on his comfortingly. “Why I wouldn’t let you kill him.. I wasn’t going to let you go to that dark place.” She’d squeezed his hand and played with his fingers. “I won’t let you lose the light again.”

He’d heavily sedated and still on the ventilator at the time, and it seemed to him that they were speaking in his head again, but he wasn’t sure. But he felt the warmth and love of that statement as well. That she’d taken over to keep that part of him at bay even then. That she’d known what he was struggling with.

With a shaking hand, he searched for his cell phone in his pocket and pulled it out, turning on the music app and putting some of that comforting music on in the blue-tooth speaker. As he did this, he felt Arya rub against his leg and looked down, seeing her pretty green eyes looking up at him with fearlessness and adoration.

“Hey there little darlin’” He told her, reaching down and scooping her up with his metal arm. “How’s it going?”

The little cat purred and rubbed her face into his chin, and he snuggled her close before getting up off the chair. Wanting to be out of the line of sight of the horrible painting. He went to the couch in there with her and laid on it, stretching his legs out as he did. Holding the cat, listening to the music and looking at the shelf of pictures and stuffed animals.

Trying to make sense of the juxtaposition of these soft, comforting things, and horrible memory he’d just pulled out of his head.

Was he the one in the picture, a selfie with Steve and that silly alligator. The one who’d gotten that little girl a stuffed animal. The one the cat trustingly slept next to, who went shopping and had coffee with his friends. Or was he that bloody thing in the picture. The monster who’d killed dozens of people. Some days he wasn’t sure.

He sat there just like that for a while, sorting it all out as he waited for Steve to come home.

\--

When he got home later that day, Steve could music coming from upstairs. The art room to be precise. Knowing that Bucky was up there either painting or packing for their not-so pleasant trip in about 48 hours.

As the days had gotten closer Bucky’s agitation did increase, even though he’d tried not to show it. Steve knew he was stressing and preparing himself for full disclosure, this time not in therapy or in bed with his husband but, in front of a large group of strangers. He could see the wheels turning in his head and the stress in his eyes. And at night as well, when he was restless and couldn’t sleep.

And when he did, he was having nightmares. Like he’d had before. Real screamers where he had to be restrained in his sleep. And didn’t want to talk about after. It had been rough to say the least.

So he hoped he was painting now, finding an outlet for this agitation. After putting away a few things he decided to go up and check on him. See if he wanted company or needed more alone time.

Getting upstairs he found him in the room, doing neither of the things Steve thought he was. He was, in fact, napping on the couch below the big window, with Arya curled up next to him. On the floor not far away was his travel paint kit, which he looked like he was in the middle of packing. He thought maybe he’d just gotten tired and decided to rest until he got closer and was a bit shocked by what he saw.

At first it looked like he had blood all over him, his arm, his face, even in his hair a little but on closer inspection he realized it was red paint, which happened to be the exact same color. There was a scratch on his arm didn’t look like pain and he knew he’d been scratching a bit again, which was concerning to say the least. But it was when he turned around and saw the painting on the easel, that was when he felt his heart skip a little. But not in a good way.

He remembered Bucky starting a painting in Germany several months back but never finishing it for some reason. Had in fact never seen it again after that night until now. It looked like he’d finally gotten back to it. Finally finished it and he understood why he’d hidden it away.

It was Bucky, some facsimile of him at least. Shirtless, in fact without any clothes as far as Steve could tell from the angle. His arms were in what looked like chains and he seemed to be covered in blood, smeared with it in many places. And still tacky on his metal arm as well. His hair hung in his face and from what he could see of his eyes, they looked red and wild. The detail was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Steve had seen that look on occasion. When Bucky was in his wildest, defiant states, but never quite like this.

The painting was mostly done in red, with white and grey shading with a generous amount of black as well. Including what looked like a shadow looming over Bucky. Whoever this shadow was, the focus of the rage and the eyes seemed to be on them.

He turned to Bucky, who was still sleeping, not a real restful one, because his face seemed to twitch a little here and there, causing him to curl his arm around the cat a little more. Who simply snuggled up next to his body as if trying to comfort him.

Going over he knelt in front of Bucky and softly brushed some hair from his face, causing him to jerk awake and shirk back against the couch. His metal arm almost looked like it was in a defensive position and for a moment he looked and disorientated, as if he didn’t know where he was, or who Steve even was. And then it was like clarity came in and his body relaxed, but only a little Steve noticed.

“Steve?” He asked, looking around with confusion. “You’re home..”

“Yeah I am.” Steve replied, touching his face again with concern. “You okay?”

“I think so.” He said, leaning up on his elbow a bit. “I must’ve fallen asleep or something.”

“You did.” Steve told him and ran his finger over his face. “With red paint all over you. Almost gave me a heart attack.”

With that statement Bucky seemed to get alarmed as if realizing something. He looked over Steve’s shoulder with wide eyes, perhaps realizing he hadn’t covered the painting up. His eyes found Steve’s again with a frightened look now. One he recognized.

“Yeah I saw it.” He told Bucky, giving him a soft look to calm him. “ You wanna talk about it?”

Bucky sat up on the couch, shifting Arya into his lap. “ I think it speaks for itself don’t you think?”

“I don’t know Buck.” Steve countered, putting his hand on Bucky’s flesh arm. “I can’t see inside your head.”

“You don’t want to Steve.” Bucky said, flicking his eyes to the painting. “Trust me on that cause it ain’t pretty in there.”

Steve had to admit to himself that sometimes he did feel like he was in the dark. He didn’t have the ability Wanda had to travel in Bucky’s mind, nor Amelia’ psychological training so it was like navigating in the dark. In a place littered with landmines He knew what Bucky had told him but also knew there was a ton more than that he didn’t know. But there was something familiar about the set-up in the painting that was tugging at his mind. Something Bucky had said once.

_“They chained us up..after.. because they were afraid..” _

It hadn’t necessarily been Bucky that said that. It had been the Winter Soldier when telling him about that hideous room with the blinking light. And something else that Bucky had said as well once. _It’s red.. the color of the anger is.. red.._

“Tell me what this is Buck.” He asked carefully, raising his hand to his face and touching it softly. “Help me understand.”

“You don’t want to trust me.“ Bucky said defensively, shaking off Steve’s hand and getting up, letting the cat down on the floor. “Even ven you’re not that much of masochist.”

There was a point where a statement like that might have been a bit hurtful, but he knew where it was coming from and didn’t take offense. He watched as Bucky sort of angrily pulled the cover down over the painting, as if hiding it would take its aura out of the room or something. But it was still there like a weight. And there was something other than anger and fear in it. There was that sense of shame as well. Of not wanting something seen and desperately needing to conceal it.

And he could actually see the shake in his body, not just from fear but trying to stifle something. And that metal hand starting to scratch the inner part of his elbow again even as he took deep, heavy breaths. So he took a chance and got up to go over to him.

“Stop this okay?” He asked softly, looping his hand around the metal wrist to keep him from drawing real blood. “Just stop.”

Bucky’s eyes were still wide as he looked at him, still showing a lot of white. There was an almost dangerous in them that he’d seen before. An unchecked anger that he seemed to barely be able to keep under control. Someone else might’ve bene frightened by it, but not him.

“Let me go..” Bucky told him, with almost a warning growl, the finger of that metal hand curling like a set of claws. “I’m not safe right now..”

Steve turned the wrist in his hand, feeling those segments flex again almost like human muscles. Constantly amazed as how lively that arm felt. Sometimes he almost forgot it wasn’t a real one. To him it was just another part of Bucky now. Something, unique, powerful. Even beautiful. He put his lips to those curled up fingers, so capable of violence, yet wearing a beautiful ring as well. He kissed them gently and felt them flex again, and then relax. At least for the moment.

“I’m not afraid of you.” Steve whispered against them. “Or anything that’s inside you.”

He saw over the top of the hand, Bucky’s face work a little at that. The defensiveness relaxed slightly to show a painful vulnerability just under the surface. “Yeah well you’re kinda stupid like that.” He answered with a sad smile. “It’s why I still gotta protect you.”

He watched as Bucky eased his arm from out of his grasp. It wasn’t a jerk away or anything like that, he just slid it out and backed away, before turning and walking out of the room. Steve didn’t follow him at first, just sort of let him go wherever he wanted, because he clearly wanted to be alone. Even though maybe he shouldn’t be. Thinking of the way he scratched his arm like that, the fearful look he at the way that metal wrist flexed in Steve’s grip.

He would give a few minutes and then find him.

A little furry body seemed to circle around his legs, and he looked down and smiled at the cat, who then sat and looked up at him before pawing his leg. A subtle hint she wanted up. So Steve smiled and obliged her, hearing her purr softly as she rubbed her face against his chin.

“Daddy’s upset huh?” He asked her, scratching her chin. “I’ll take of it sweetie don’t worry.”

Going downstairs he spent a few more minutes in the chair with the cat, who was being a love muffin today. Perhaps sensing a bit of the tension in the air and wanted to comfort them both. He wondered sometimes what she knew and what she didn’t. And short of her being able to talk, he supposed he’d never know.

There was no sign of Bucky around, but Steve didn’t think he’d left the house. Even though Bucky could be terribly quiet when he wanted to be, Steve just had a sense he was still around. And looking at the door the basement, he saw it was open, just a crack. He was downstairs, most likely tearing up another punching bag. That was still a regular thing, but Steve didn’t mind replacing them. As long as it helped.

Eventually Arya hopped off his lap and nudged at the door and he decided to go check on him.

He had been right on his hunch. Bucky, despite being somewhat unpredictable emotionally, had become predictable in other ways. And when he was upset like this, victimizing a punching way was a regular routine. So he stopped in the door of the gym and just watched him work out whatever he needed to work out.

Hand wrapped up, hair tied back, sweat streaming all over his face, causing the leftover paint to smear and run a little. There was something beautiful in his angry chaos as he tore into the bag with a force that was almost terrifying if one didn’t know him the way Steve did. He was strong. Very strong physically and Steve understood why he was afraid of that sometimes. He knew what it was like to fear your own strength. He’d had the same issue himself sometimes.

He could see Bucky’s face from the side and the wild, yet strangely focused anger in his eyes, sometimes biting his lip, sometimes grunting or even yelling when he threw a particularly good one. It hurt to watch him when he was like this, but it was captivating as well. So he no longer interrupted.

Bucky threw one last roundhouse one with his metal arm, sent the damn thing flying off the hook for umpteenth time and then just bent over, leaning his hands on his knees breathing heavily. Steve could see the wrap on his right hand had unraveled a little and the knuckles were a bit bruised, especially when he ran his hand through his hair and sat down on the bench heavily, hanging his hands between his bent knees.

He walked over at that point and saw Bucky look up at him tiredly. The fierceness was gone from them now he could clearly see. “How long you been lurking punk?”

“Long enough.” He said as he stood there, not reaching out yet, letting Bucky decide when he wanted contact. “That was a helluva workout.”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, looking down at his hands as if studying them. “Another day another bag.”

“Feel better?”

Bucky looked back up at him and tried to force a smile. “I don’t know.” He told him. “I’m too damn tired to feel anything right now.”

Taking a chance, he stepped forward and put his hand softly on his head, touching his hair. Seeing him bite his lip again as he looked up. “I know.” He said in soft voice. “It’s okay.”

At that, Bucky leaned forward and pressed his fact into Steve’s stomach, sliding his arms around him and held himself there. He could actually feel him shaking a little as he did. Stepping forward a bit more, so he could stand between his knees, and just stroked his hair gently. He could feel some wetness against his shirt and stomach and wasn’t sure if it was sweat or tears. Could’ve been both.

“I’m sorry punk.” He sighed into Steve’s stomach, voice sounding a little crack. “I really am.”

“What are you sorry for now jerk?”

Bucky’s hands gripped his shirt around the back a little tighter. “Pretty much everything.”

He then felt him sort slide up into a standing position, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder as he did. He could feel how soaked with sweat his shirt was, and the minute tremble still going through his body as he let himself be completely comforted finally.

“You’re forgiven.” Steve whispered in his ear, stroking his hair. “You’re always forgiven.”

\--

It took Bucky a while to come down from all that. His body ached and so did his head. And he felt exhausted in both places as well. There was a dull ache in his right shoulder, the recent injury feeling a bit aggravated, and breathing still hurt a little. Thinking he might’ve overdone it but at that time it had felt good to let it all out like that.

It had been better to do it there rather than direct that pain at Steve, like a scary part of him wanted to for just a moment. His metal hand had flexed angrily in Steve’s grip and a less strong man would not have been about to hold it. Hell the chains they’d kept him barely had.

“You have lunch yet?” Steve asked after a moment, pulling back to look at him. “Or did you forget again?”

Bucky gave him a sheepish grin. “I kinda got distracted so no.”

He watched as Steve unwrapped his right hand and rubbed the knuckles a little as he looked up at him. “You gotta eat you know?” He admonished in almost parental way. “Among other things.”

Eating wasn’t always a problem, Bucky did have the appetite of a teenage boy when he did, it was just that sometimes he’d loose track of time. Especially if he was painting or writing or doing some chore. It was a bad habit, especially when he wasn’t sleeping properly these days. Pam had already lectured him on this, telling him that he was still recovering and needed to take better care of himself.

“Come on.” Steve said, pulling him along and putting his arm around his waist. “How about some peanut butter and jelly?”

Bucky smiled at that as they made their way back up the stairs. “You know me too well punk.” He told him, nudging him a little. “Cause that sounds heavenly.” And then added. “As long it’s raspberry.”

“Of course.” Steve said, chuckling as he got the ingredients necessary. “Need me to cut the crusts off too.”

“Don’t patronize me punk.” Bucky shot back, getting himself a glass of milk. “I ain’t no kid.”

He thought there was something so simple about peanut butter and jelly, with a glass of milk to boot. After the earlier tension it just seemed to lighten the mood. And the sandwich was, of course, so delicious he ended up having a second one.

“Guess you were hungry.” Steve observed, eating his own sandwich as well. “Did you skip breakfast too.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that. “No.. I had a bowl of cereal.”

“That’s hardly breakfast jerk.” Steve told him, wiping some peanut butter off Bucky’s face. “Guess I gotta watch you more closely.”

Bucky thought it was adorable just how seriously Steve took looking after him sometimes. And instead of how before it had made him feel like a kid, now he appreciated it. It made him feel safe and protected. And it wasn’t like Steve ran his life or anything. Bucky did his own shit, took care of himself most of the time, but he did like being taken care of too, he could admit at least that.

His thoughts turned to earlier and winced slightly. Thinking of that painting upstairs under the cover. Thinking now that he was calm maybe he owed him an explanation. He’d found himself regressing and falling back on bad habits again. Such as holding back and being defensive like that.

“Steve..” He said as he finished his sandwich. “About earlier.”

Steve put his hand up. “You don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.”

“I know but I think I need to.” He replied, scooping up the cat again absently with left arm and putting her in his lap. “Don’t let me off the hook like that.”

“I’m just saying Buck..” Steve told him, putting his hand on Bucky’s again and touching the bracelet on his wrist. “You don’t owe me anything that’s all.”

“But I do Steve.” Bucky said, biting his lip from the emotion he felt at those words. “I owe you everything.”

Steve smiled and squeezed his hand gently. “Do you need a drink?”

“I’d like one.” He replied, shaking his head. “But maybe I should try dealing with this shit without that.” He tilted his glass of milk a little and smiled ruefully. “I kinda have a problem with that so.. think I’ll pass for now.”

Steve almost looked relieved by that admission, because it was somewhat significant. Bucky knew he had coping issues and was still working on that. He couldn’t guarantee he’d be successful at it, but he decided to try and let himself feel these things instead of dulling it all the time. The memory of his father had helped that along quite a bit.

“Whatever you want.” Steve told him gently.

Bucky gathered himself a bit and did his best to find the words to convey what that painting meant. Both symbolically and literally. “That was… how I woke up.. after I killed those men.” He began to explain, tapping his fingers on his glass of milk. “I was still in the same room they’d just taken the bodies out.. but there was still blood everywhere and.. I was in the chains just like that.”

Remembering the cold floor and how it was still painful to sit on it after what they’d done. And the angry disorientation that he’d felt. The red and the black both prominent in his mind at that point. Conveyed in the primary colors of the painting so clearly, and he knew Steve got that symbolism, could see in his eyes that he understood very well.

“The thing that was chained to that wall it wasn’t.. the Winter Soldier it was… me.” He described, feeling that shake in his body and the urge to scratch his arm until it bled. “That part was.. always me.. I’m the dangerous one.. not the Soldier.. me..” He paused again and looked into Steve’s eyes. “I was the one who wanted to hurt them.. to tear them apart and I could… they knew I could, and they were afraid. so..”

“They chained you up.” Steve finished, looking pained and angry. “Like a damn wild animal.”

“I was one Steve.” Bucky told him, sensing a need to make that clear. “A dangerous one.”

“Why does it sound you’re defending them for that?” Steve asked, a little more anger showing. “Like you deserved to be treated like that. “

He thought Steve was right, and maybe he was. He was seeing it through fear of himself. Or from that still wounded part of him that felt he deserved the treatment he got. That part of him was still present and he was well aware of it. Well aware that he was almost letting his tormentors off the hook.

“I didn’t say that I’m just.. trying to explain it.” He told Steve almost apologetically. “I know that they.. made me that way.. hell they watched the whole thing unfold through the glass and didn’t intervene at all.” His eyes got a little harder and his metal fingers scratched against the table angrily. “I know what kind of people they were.”

Steve nodded and then asked. “Was he there?”

He didn’t have to explain who he meant. Bucky knew exactly who he was talking about. “Of course he was.” He said, as if it should be obvious. “ He set the whole thing up… put his most vicious men in there and.. gave em carte blanche to do whatever the hell they wanted.” The metal fingers dug into the table a bit more, leaving a visible mark in the wood. “And he watched everything through that fucking two -way mirror..” He gave Steve a hard look. “Everything.”

The truth was, that Steve was finally going to understand now, was that the Colonel had not only approved of all the methods used by his lieutenant, whom Bucky had only know as ‘the man in the boots’, but had watched it as well. Observed every abuse and degradation inflicted in that horrible room. Bucky hadn’t needed to Colonel to confirm this, he’d just known through circumstantial evidence.

“He was the shadow in the painting wasn’t he?” He’d asked, as if he’d already known the answer.

“Yeah.” Bucky confirmed, looking down at Arya as he petted her with his flesh hand. For comfort. “He came to see me after.. told me.. he couldn’t wait to finish my training.”

He couldn’t bring himself to tell Steve the things that monster had said to him there, the way he’d touched him. It still made him feel filthy just thinking about it now. He was pretty sure he’d never tell anyone that. Some humiliations you just kept to yourself. They were yours and yours alone.

Just thinking about it just made his skin crawl and increased the urge to scratch. Which he weas fighting hard not to do.

“So I.. guess I just.. painted it out because I just.. can still feel that.. rage inside me… all red and pulsing..” He told Steve, struggling to not shake. “It wants to hurt and destroy and… it scares the shit out of me.. because.. “ He bit his lip hard now, almost enough to draw blood. “A part of me.. wants to let that monster out and do just that.” The metal fingers dug into the wood now. “It… feels good to let it go.”

He was shaking with it and then Steve’s hand was on his metal one. He could actually feel it . Felt him clasp it and stop it from clawing the table. Once again, not a hard grip, just enough pressure to calm the monster that showed itself first through that arm. He looked at Steve’s hand and up at him, seeing love and understanding in those perfect blue eyes.

“Whatever way you gotta feel it Buck, let yourself do it.” He told him, entwining his fingers with Bucky’s metal oness. “I’m here no matter what.”

“I’m afraid I’m.. gonna hurt you.” He said in a shaky voice. “Because I could. I have.”

Steve reached up with his other hand and gripped Bucky’s hair softly. “You won’t” He told him as he pressed his head to Bucky’s. “I trust you Buck.. and I want you to try and trust yourself now.”

He closed his eyes, feeling Steve’s hand in his hair, which even when done roughly, was so different from the others. It grounded him instead of frightening and controlling him. Because Steve didn’t use his strength, or his power to hurt him like they did. He understood the responsibility he had and had long since re-earned the trust in not just Bucky but the Soldier part of him too as a result. And Bucky felt that powerful love for him yet again. One that grew stronger the more he shared with him, the more he opened up and allowed him in to those hurt places, and trusting him to not hurt them further, but to help them heal.

“Steve..” He whispered, leaning his face against his. “I…”

Steve fisted his hair softly, pulling his lips to his. “I know..”

He was kissed just then, and let his hands grip Steve’s shirt as he did. And noticed something that amazed him. The tremble in his body and that terrible burn under skin were fading. At least for now. There was calm settling in again in his body and mind. It was such a good feeling. As was the feeling of Steve’s hand rubbing the light scratches on his right arm softly looping his fingers around it.

“Don’t do this to yourself anymore.” Steve asked in between kissing him, letting his finger’s trace the raised marks. “Please.”

Bucky wrapped his metal arm around Steve’s neck, letting the fingers play in his hair. “I promise I’ll try not to okay?” He told him, pulling pack and looking in his eyes. “It’s all I can do punk.”

He couldn’t guarantee it, because he didn’t want to break a promise to him ever. That fever, that burn was ever present and the stress was only growing around him. But he was willing to make the effort and he hoped it was enough. Because even then he could feel the last vesting of the urge in his body flare up one more time.

Steve’s hand slid from his wrist and rubbed the bruised knuckles now, causing Bucky’s eyes to flutter a little. “Okay.” He whispered before pressing the wrist to his lips as well. “That’s all I ask.”

And with that Bucky felt himself lean forward, butting his head against Steve’s shoulder, feeling his hand on the back of his and took a deep breath of relief at this acceptance. It shouldn’t have surprised him but sometimes it still did. His hands gripped Steve’s shirt, the metal tearing a small hole as he did, he could hear it distinctly, before the last of it dissipated like smoke.. He supposed it was better than ripping up his own skin.

“You know I kinda love you punk.” He said quietly, the hands fisting tighter.

“Well I kinda love you too jerk.” Steve answered, his face in Bucky’s hair. “Kind of a lot actually.”

He sat like that for a while, with the cat sitting between them, letting her Daddies have a moment as she cleaned her paws.

\--

As they lay in bed later, Bucky asked him a question he had to think about. “So you wanna put that painting up with the rest of them?”

“I don’t know.” Steve responded honestly, really not knowing the correct answer. “I suppose that’s up to you.”

He loved all of Bucky’s paintings to be honest. Even the ones that were tough to look at. And even though this one was one of those, like the others, there was beauty to it as well. But he didn’t know if Bucky wanted that or not, he’d been so unnerved by it when he’d first started it so he wanted to be sure.

“If you want to go ahead.” Bucky said, surprising him a little. “It’s alright.”

“You sure about that?”

Bucky lifted his head, resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder and played with the hem of his shirt. “Yeah..” He answered, seeming really focused on what he was doing. “I mean it does scare me sometimes what comes out of my head onto the canvas but.. it’s all part of it I suppose.”

Steve looked down at him, playing with his hair. “Better out than in.. is that what you mean?”

“In a manner of speaking I suppose.” Bucky said as he turned his head back down and nuzzled Steve’s shirt, still playing with the hem of it. “Wanda told me once, some of the greatest works of art were just the dreams and nightmares of tortured minds.” Steve could almost see a smile on his face as he said this. “So why not embrace the madness right?”

Steve remembered thinking it was apt in a way. If paintings were an expression of his mind, like any other art from, it made sense that Bucky’s would sometimes be dark and painful. It didn’t make them any less beautiful, profound or worthy of sight than the brighter, happier ones. It was all part of the same beautiful mind. A mind that he loved, not just in spite of its unpredictable, unstable nature, but also because of it.

“Just do me one favor punk if you do hang it.”

Steve lifted his face and asked. “What’s that?”

“Don’t hang that cursed thing in the living room.” He said with a soft smile. “It’s not for everyone.”

“Okay.” He told him, pulling his face to him kiss him. “Whatever you want jerk.”

After a little bit of cutesy fooling around, Bucky had crashed early and was now laying in his arms, face buried against his shoulder. Steve was glad he was already asleep, he needed it. The upcoming trip was going to be hard and exhausting and he wanted him rested and healthy so he could deal with that stress better.

He trailed his hand over his back, the other one tangled in his hair, attempting to keep the comfort going while he was deep in sleep. Where monsters endlessly stalked him, waiting to pounce at any moment. And the ones he’d pulled out today were particularly vicious ones. Ones that made Steve hold him closer under the blankets.

Thinking of that aforementioned painting. Of Bucky so hurt and vulnerable in that horrible place. Chained to the wall like some wild beast. He hadn’t said it, but Steve knew from the picture that he’d had no clothes on. Just left like that, covered in the blood of his enemies and in pain. With that blinking light probably still swinging over his head even then.

And that bastard standing over him. Tormenting him. _Touching_ him. It filled Steve with a rage that might have rivaled Bucky’s. Thinking that there was no punishment good enough to balance out those kind of atrocities.

_“He set the whole thing up… put his most vicious men in there and.. gave em carte blanche to do whatever the hell they wanted.”_

That alone would’ve been enough for Steve right there, if it wasn’t for everything else that fucker did as well. The things Bucky had told him and what he hadn’t. And if he’d had another shot at him, he’d take his time and make sure he suffered for all of it. And would enjoy every minute of it.

They were black thoughts, and he knew Bucky had done what he’d done about it then and kept things from him in an effort to protect him from going to that dark place. But he couldn’t keep his mind away from it and knew it was only going to get worse. That bastard would be in the courtroom every day too. With that smug look on his face. It would take every ounce of strength he had to keep him in his seak and his hands off that fuckers neck.

His attention was diverted from his thoughts by Bucky getting restless. Muttering in his sleep, what sounded like Russian. A language he refused to speak in his walking hours but came out in his sleep sometimes. Along with some painful whimpers as well. Like he was being hurt.

And the requisite struggling as well. Fighting against something Steve could not see himself.

“SSsh.” He whispered to him, holding him tighter and pressing his lips to his head. “It’s okay.. you’re safe..”

He could feel him still fighting him a little, pushing back against him with clenched hands, digging into Steve’s arms. “Noooo..” He whimpered. “Please…”

Steve just kept repeating those same words, right in his ear until the thrashing stopped and he calmed again, gripping Steve’s shirt with his fists and burying his face against his chest. Steve rubbed his back with his hand stroked his hair, feeling the shaking start to abate as well under the comforting touch.

“Steve?” He heard Bucky ask, looking down and seeing his eyes open. “It’s you right?”

He was never sure if he was awake or not in these situations, because sometimes he didn’t remember having these conversations. But he talked to him like was. “Yeah it’s me.” He replied, cupping his face. “Who else would it be?”

“I thought… for a moment maybe..” Bucky replied in that strange, half-asleep, half dreaming state. “Sometimes I.. had to sleep next to him… and…”

It was pointless to ask him what he meant by that because he wasn’t really awake he was now sure. But the implication just added another element to it all. Another horrible one. And to be honest. He wasn’t sure if was Bucky who was the one who recalled this either. The Soldier did still show himself sometimes, although not autonomously anywhere. But even though he didn’t ask, he held him tighter just the same. Protectively.

“No it’s me.” Steve assured him, his hand on his face. “It’ll never be anyone but me ever again.”

Bucky seemed to smile at that in that hazy half-asleep way. “Good.” He said as he tucked his under Steve’s chin. “We love Steve.”

That hit with a little pang because it was, exactly how the Solider had said it. Bucky lapsed into that occasionally, and it always tugged at him to hear it like that. The old feelings he had for that part of Bucky resurfacing. He pressed his lips to his head and held and pulled him closer under the covers.

“My Soldier.” He whispered into his hair. “I love you too.”

If it was, in fact, a small manifestation of the Soldier, he seemed to curl against him more and go back into a deep sleep. Feeling safe, just like Bucky did. They were, after all, the same person. But he accepted this strangeness about him.

And as much as he tried not to he was feeling that old guilt again. That punishing voice that always remined him that all he had to do to prevent all this pain was grab him off the side of that train. Thinking of all the times Bucky had waded in and bailed him out and the one time he needed him to do it he’d failed. Picking up that flesh hand, remembering in his mind the feel of those same fingers brush off of his before he fell. Whether he was actually that close or not was irrelevant. He believed it.

He buried his face more in Bucky’s hair and tried to remind himself that he was here, in his arms alive. To stem the hurt and guilt that came from the knowledge he was acquiring. Feeding the anger that he now had a face to direct it on to.

He’d see that face in the courtroom soon enough. They both would.

“You’re holding me pretty tight punk.” Bucky said suddenly against his neck. “I do need to breathe you know...”

Steve smiled, happy for the distraction from his thoughts. “Well I’ll just have to give you CPR then I suppose.”

“Mouth to mouth?” Bucky asked, nuzzling just under his ear.

Steve lifted his chin. “What other kind is there?”

He then smothered those precious lips and felt Bucky smiled into it. Seeming to have no recollection of either is dream or strange statements after. To which Steve was grateful. He was more than happy to give into a little late night make-out session. Or whatever it became. He didn’t want Bucky to think about any of that right now.

“I dunno punk.” Bucky breathed against his lips, hands wandering under Steve’s clothes. “I’m not sure I can go back to sleep now.” He could see that saucy grin, even in the low light of the room. “I might need a sleeping pill after all this CPR.”

“Well then..” Steve mused, sliding down and pushing Bucky’s shirt up with his face. “Let’s see what Dr. Steve has in his medical bag then…”

He felt Bucky moan softly as his lips trailed over his exposed stomach and chest. Felt those perfect metal fingers in his hair. Felt his thighs clamp around him, and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer to kiss that lovely skin all over.

“Doctor Steve huh?.” Bucky said breathlessly, pulling on his hair pleasantly. “I like that.”

He didn’t know what was going to happen during this trial. Didn’t know what he was going to hear and feel. How he was going to deal with it all. Right now, he didn’t care. Didn’t want to think about it. Just focuses on the here and now and what was in front of him.

Pulling Bucky’s skin to his lips he went with that for now, until they were both spent and sated. Until they both could sleep again. And sleep soundly too, wrapped up in each other’s arms, deep under the warmth of the covers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one had some interesting elements in it. It's meant to sort of be the pre-amble before they head to the Netherlands for the trial and a few things happened that deserve a closer look. 
> 
> We knew Bucky was going to have an adverse reaction to the news he was being watched for a while and he did, an anxiety attack followed by what looked like a seizure. We haven't seen Bucky have one of those in a while. He wasn't through with them, his mind just wasn't doing major work anymore. But we also knew from the previous fic that Bucky can trigger them once and a while, maybe even subcnociously which might have been what happened. The fact that he was more likely the cause of it though. And of course this does help Steve with the guilt of having to pass this knowledge along. His side-effects as you know are severe and real too. It affected him for a good part of the day obviously. 
> 
> Bringing Sharon back in was always the plan, she has an important role to play, and the final part of the conversation with Steve at the door was a hint to something that came up in the first chapter of this fic. It's an Easter Egg in a sense for something that will happen later. 
> 
> Bratva is a real organization. They are the Russian mafia and it shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all Bucky, that they'd have a connection to him and Hydra. And of course the Colonel as well. But Bucky is no danger from them, even the mafia won't mess with the Avengers. 
> 
> The excursion to the Brooklyn Bridge is a fun thing I like to re-vist it's a popular 'resting' area for our boys. Especially when they are under stress, and to just be public like that (and at Coney) is sort of a continued act of rebellion (even though they don't really need to) because they got that pent-up having to hide their relationship for years thing going on so who can blame them right? 
> 
> I enjoy when Bucky gets aggressive like that because he's getting closer to truly being himself. It was fun to play around with that. But also to sort of, set up a little more on this basic fear he has of being the one in control as came along later as you saw. 
> 
> The painting he found was started when they were in Germany, in Chapter 3 I believe, 'The Red and the Black', and it is both a memory and a symbolic representation of his psyche which is why it scared him so much. The flashback that resulted from it, is a direct follow-up to the events that were described Chapter 22 of the previous fic called 'The Flickering Lights' and showed in more detail, the immediate aftermath of that. It's been hinted at several times but this was in far more detail. It's highlighting the reality of what part of Bucky lashed out after that horrific situation occured. That was a tough, very dark chapter that was hard to write at the time but I'm still pretty proud of. Bringing those events back again is purposeful in order to start to explore the twisted 'relationship' between Bucky and the Colonel, and I use the term relationship very loosely here. 
> 
> (A note on this the Colonel wasn't brougth up in the previous fic, but sort of was hinted at, only because he wasn't Bucky's tormentor as much as he was the Winter Soldier's, and he was in his memory, which Bucky was only able to access after they merged, just wanted to explain that a little more) 
> 
> Now Bucky's (0r the Soldier because he's making appearances these days isn't that awesome?) half asleep statement about him is more in this vein too, because it's peeling the layers back more because the trial is occriing and the Colonel is there and these things are going to come up. So there will be an explanation for the disturbing thing he said as well. 
> 
> And btw Steve's growing anger is certainly something to watch as well. That's definittely going to add an interesting element and climax (pardon the pun). Because really, the mans dealing with a lot but don't worry, Bucky is very much aware of his punk's issues and will rise to the occasion as well :)
> 
> The next chapter, once again I can't give you a title cause sometimes I decide that when it's written (that's how I roll folks) but we will see the start of the arduous trial and see a bit of Brussels. I did notice our boys travel a lo in this fic too don't ehy? But yeah a new location, and all the players will be present, including our little emotional support kitty Arya , can't forget her :)
> 
> Anyway thank you all for the comments and hope you all are doing well and are safe <3<3<3


	21. Anonymous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

He couldn’t sleep, which was annoying because, well it was the middle of the damn night. 3 am to be exact. At least here in The Hague it was. Doing the math for what time it was at home was just making his head spin, so he didn’t bother. Even though it wasn’t that complicated it was, his mind was not into it.

Bucky lay sandwiched between Arya and Steve, the former was curled up around his arm and purring, and the latter of which was snoring loudly into his hair behind him. These ambient noise were actually comforting to him, made him feel like he was home rather than thousands of miles away, about to embark on something very stressful.

The problem was, he’d slept on the plane and the jetlag had wiped him out so badly that he’d barely remembered getting to the hotel. Or even Steve putting him to bed like an ornery, over-tired child.

“You’re so cute when your grumpy jerk you know that?”

“Shuddafuckup punk.” Bucky had remembered trying to snap back as Steve helped him get dressed for bed because, well, his body just wouldn’t work right. “I ain’t cute.”

He remembered Steve smiling annoyingly, seemingly unaffected at that point by the jetlag of a 7-hour flight. “I beg to differ on that.”

Now that bastard was fast asleep behind him, and Bucky felt a malicious urge to wake him up. But didn’t. Steve needed his sleep too. Bucky could handle missing a few hours of it. He’d missed a lot more in his life. Decades worth if he was honest.

He could see the lights of the city of the city outside the patio door and saw building that looked strangely familiar to him. He had a feel he’d been here before. The likelihood was strong. He’d been a lot of places. Left bodies on many different continents.

_We have been here.._ The Winder Soldier informed him, always more talkative at night he’d noticed. _Mission._

An image of being on a roof late at night, dressed all in black with a high-powered rifle in his hands, flashed through his head. He could remember the cold breeze ruffling his hair as he looked through the scope at the target. Whose name was irrelevant to him. They were just a target. A mission to be completed. Anonymous like him.

He was quiet, quick and efficient. Like the good the Soldier he was.

Carefully he moved as to not wake up his bed companions and sat up, swinging his legs over the bed, and quietly got up off the bed to look out the large patio door. Seeing his own reflection in the glass as he looked out at the city.

He could see the building he was sure he’d set up on that night. Pretty sure he’d left the weapon there along ago. In a pipe somewhere. Was pretty sure it might still be there. Or maybe he’d disposed of it somewhere else. Along with.. something else. He wasn’t really sure, his memory was still choppy on these things.

He was wondering if he’d ever not be haunted by things like this. Probably not.

_You are not innocent…_ he’d remembered someone saying once, maybe in a letter he wasn’t sure. _You are not forgiven.._

Bucky didn’t know how long he’d stood there, just staring at that building, wondering if he could actually find that rifle even now. Thinking of the muffled sound of the shot, because silenced guns still made noises, just not loud ones. He’d only needed one shot he’d remembered. He was that good. There very few that could’ve made a kill shot from that distance.

_You have very valuable talents Soldat._. an all too familiar voice echoed in his ears. A voice that was way too close sometimes. Like right over his shoulder.

Smelling of vodka and other foul things.

Bucky wrapped his arms around himself, cupping his elbows with his hands, feeling cold at these memories. Knowing he was going to be forced to relive and recall all these things in a few days and the idea of that sent a tremble through him. Even though the room was warm, he felt cold. Very cold.

He was so lost in these thoughts and feelings, that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Steve’s arms come around him. There was a tense moment when he thought he’d lash out or shirk away but the feel of Steve’s face nuzzling his neck, the bristles of his scuff tickling his neck, caused that tenseness to relax in his arms.

“What are you doing up gorgeous?” He was asked, Steve’s breath tickling his ear. “You okay?”

“Fine.” Bucky said tightly, letting his own hands rest on Steve’s. Just couldn’t sleep with all the snoring is all.”

Steve nuzzled his neck a little more. “It’s never bothered you before.” He told Bucky, his palms flattening against his stomach. “So I know that’s not the reason.”

“I guess I just don’t like sleeping in beds that ain’t mine punk.” Bucky answered, letting his own fingers playing with Steve’s. “Is that good enough for you ?”

“You’re anxious.” Steve observed, his voice soft and comforting. “It’s alright.”

That building wasn’t the only thing Bucky could see from their room, the Court at the Palace was very much visible from the window too. Filling him with all that trepidation and fear that Steve was sensing in him. It was like he could read through his body, and Bucky supposed he could. Could feel that slight shake of his body and understood it well.

“Yeah.” He admitted grudgingly. “I guess so.”

Steve rested his head on Bucky’s shoulder and looked out at the city himself, seemingly admiring the view from what Bucky could see from the angle he had. He pulled a hand away from Steve’s and laid it flat on the glass, feeling the slight coolness of it. And it wasn’t long before Steve’s hand was on top of his, their fingers together again as they stood there looking out of it.

“It’s pretty.” Steve mused over his shoulder. “Don’t think I’ve been here before.”

Bucky pinched his face a little. “I have.”

He felt Steve nuzzled his shoulder softly, his other hand tightening around him as if he understood this without it needing to be explained. Bucky was grateful for the comfort. The grounding in this time and place instead of in that other one. When his mind wasn’t his own and his rifle was aimed at someone’s head that he didn’t know.

“You wanna talk about it?” Steve asked with that some soft tone.

“Not really.” Bucky replied, closing his eyes. “If that’s okay?”

“It’s fine.” Steve answered, holding him a little tighter. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

It was funny to him how even now, words like that still amazed him to hear. The idea he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to. Because honestly the truth was, he was still getting used to the idea that he choices now. Years of therapy had been showing just how insidious the mindset they’d planted in him had been. How complete their control had been over him, and how deep into his subconscious it had gone. It was terrifying to think about.

“Why don’t you come back to bed?” Steve suggested in his ear, sorting of pulling on him gently. “It’s warmer there than it is here.”

Once he could feel the shiver in Bucky’s body and just knew. And it did sound better than this to be honest. Lifting his hand ff the glass he reached over and pulled the shades shut, blocking his view of the city, and turned around in Steve’s arms in the dark. Getting a hold of his shirt he pulled him closer and kissed him like that, just needing to feel this again. His anchor to the present.

_You’re mine.._ that insidious voice in his head tried to whisper. _You belong here…_

Bucky pulled away from that voice, leaning into Steve more and feeling that strong hand in his hair, fisting it softly. Comfortingly. He didn’t belong to them. He belonged here with Steve, like this. He let him lift off his feet slightly, pulling him away from the door with its memories and voices.

“Yeah.” He whispered against his lips. “I wanna go back to bed.”

He then pulled his lips away, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder and allowed himself to be taken back to the bed where he was soon back in Steve’s arms under the covers. Kissing and touching softly, his hands griping Steve’s shirt tightly, turning his mind away from the view out the window. Or anything else for that matter.

“I want you to go to sleep.” Steve told him, pushing Bucky’s chin up with his nose to get to his neck. “You need your rest.”

Bucky smiled, his hand sliding up into Steve’s hair. “I slept on the plane punk.” He remined him, bending his head back to allow said punk more room. “The whole damn way remember?”

“That wasn’t real sleep jerk.” Steve retorted, nipping him softly, one of his hand wandering under Bucky’s shorts. “Not very restful.”

He supposed he was right, he did wake up quite a bit, that weird hazy half-asleep kind of state when you were aware of everything going on, but still felt that heaviness of sleep at the same time. He’d been irritable on the ride from the Amsterdam airport to here, taking little micro-naps that didn’t really do anything but make him more irritable.

“Well then if you insist on it..” He murmured, letting the metal fingers sort of tug in Steve’s hair tug on it. “But you’re gonna have to help with that Stevie cause…”

His mind wouldn’t shut off again that was he was trying to say, but Steve’s hand was inside his shorts, roaming over his ass with a destination in mind. Which caused him to moan and pull on Steve’s hair a little more as he opened his legs invitingly.

“You mean like this?” Steve asked in his ear, sliding a finger inside him. “Is that what you mean?”

Bucky just answered with a soft whine as Steve began to stroke him gently. It didn’t take much really to rev his engine. He was very sensitive there. Because there was… scar tissue from the electrocution. He hadn’t told Steve about this, didn’t have to. Steve was very familiar with every aspect of his body and had figured that out on his own. And had, just like with the scar tissue on his shoulder, used it to pleasure him like this.

As painful as the memory of what had caused that was, they had found some positive in it. Which in many ways was a victory. And healing for them both.

Steve had a couple of fingers in there, stroking him beautifully, causing him to moan thickly before being kissed deeply again. He was brought to a sweet release just like that, gripping onto both Steve’s back and his hair as he did, moans and whimpers swallowed by a kiss that seemed to go on forever.

Afterwards he curled up next to Steve’s warm body, finally feeling tired enough to sleep. “Thanks punk.” He whispered into his neck, his eyes fluttering shut in exhaustion.

“For what?” Steve asked, his voice muffled by Bucky’s hair.

He couldn’t think of answer to that right away. It was hard to define exactly what he was thanking him for. It might have been for making him feel safe again. It might’ve been for helping him forget the horrible shit that was on his mind earlier. For any number of things really. Mostly it was just that… as much as he hated being taken care of sometimes, he needed it badly at the same time. Decades of being hurt had conditioned him to think he didn’t deserve nothing better.

Just a few years of being back with Steve was showing him maybe he did deserve better.

“Just for being you.” He finally answered, starting to drift off now. “That’s all.”

He didn’t hear Steve’s response to that, he fell asleep right then and there, in the cocoon of warm blankets, a cat his loving punk’s strong arms around him. It didn’t matter if he was in a hotel, that combo made it feel like home.

\--

Steve woke up early that morning, letting Bucky sleep later. They didn’t’ have to be down at the Court until 10 for preliminary interviews with the prosecutor, so there was no need to wake him yet. So he got up carefully as to not do so and ordered them some breakfast.

He took a moment to pause before getting in the shower to just observe him sleeping. He was pretty much swallowed in the bed, surrounded by blankets and pillows, with a purring cat curled around his metal arm, and he just looked, well adorable. His face relaxed with parted lips and sleep tussled hair. And he’d woken up in the middle of the night, he’d been glad to see that Bucky had slept the rest of the night. Even if it was only for a few hours.

He hadn’t wanted to talk about what had woken him, and Steve hadn’t pressed it, but he had a sense Bucky had had a mission here once as the Winter Soldier. The memory triggered by the sight of the city through the window. He’d let it go though, long since learning if Bucky wanted to talk about something he would in time.

Leaning over he gave him a quick kiss on the head, smiling as he saw Bucky crinkle his brow a little in his sleep before snuggling back into the pillow again. “Ok sleepyhead.” He whispered to him. “I’ll let you sleep a little longer.”

He took a quick shower and by the time he was done, his phone buzzed to tell him that breakfast was ready, and they were bringing it up. So he quickly pulled some clothes on to greet them, but before they arrived he found something else. Something disquieting.

A envelope left by the door addressed to him.

He had a sudden flashback of the one he’d received at home, and this one gave him the same vibe. For a variety of reasons. First being this was a private floor, only for them and the rest of their party, which included Wanda, Sam and Pam and Tony and Pepper as well. None of which would send him a note, they’d just call him. And secondly, since the hotel belonged to Tony, there was a strict policy on who was allowed in it, and that included press. If you weren’t staying in the hotel, they did not even allow you on the elevators. This was due to the publicity of the case, they wanted to keep the noise to a minimum.

The only other people who were allowed up were staff. So he was very disquieted indeed.

Opening it up, he found out he had good reason to be as well.

_‘You should ask him about our arrangement Captain.. because I’m sure he hasn’t told you the whole story yet.. doesn’t it make you wonder why?’ _

It was not signed but Steve knew exactly who it had come from. Just didn’t know how it had gotten here. He was sure the man still had people on the outside, even international prisons had networks he knew. He pulled his phone out to call Tony, not caring how early it was.

“Jesus Christ Rogers Barnes wasn’t kidding when he said you got up early.” Tony’s grumpy voice said on the phone. “Do you ever sleep?”

“Sorry but it’s important.” He said, keeping his voice down as to not alert Bucky. “You need to do something for me though.”

He told Tony simply that the bastard had somehow sent them a note, all the while checking the hallway in case anyone was there, and asked he could get a look a security camera and vet some of the employees. He had no intention of telling Bucky about this at this point. He as was under enough stress, and the last time he’d shown him a letter form that bastard Bucky had ended up in the hospital.

“I’ll get on it Cap, right after breakfast.” Tony had said, sounding serious and a little pissed. “I gave strict orders on this shit..”

“Yeah I know you did.” Steve told him, seeing the staff come down the hall with breakfast. “I don’t want anyone or anything messing with him right now is all.”

He didn’t add that note was directed at him, not Bucky, as Kovalev seemed to be particularly interested in taunting him. Like a jealous ex. Although Steve was loathed to think of him that way. It had never been mutual he knew. The man was nothing but a sadist who’d hurt Bucky in horrible ways and it made his blood boil to think about him. But he had to keep himself calm right now. So he said his goodbyes to Tony and retrieved breakfast for them both, making sure to stuff the envelope in the pocket of his travel bag for possible evidence later.

By the time he got it inside Bucky was starting to wake up, actually sitting up a little and leaning on his elbows. His hair was a mess and his face puffy with sleep as he eyed the food. “Iz dat breakfast?” He asked in a fuzzy voice, his eyes opening more.

“Sure is jerk.” Steve answered, using his brightest voice possible as he helped him up. “Gotta feed my sleepy bear after all.”

Bucky gave him a cross look as he sat up and took his plate. “You’re lucky your cute punk.”

Steve smiled at that and brushed some hair away from Bucky’s face as he wolfed down some eggs. “You feeling better?”

“I guess so.” Bucky answered, shrugging as he ate. “Look about last night..”

“It’s alright.” He answered, letting his hand rest on Bucky’s neck. “You don’t have to explain anything.”

Bucky seemed to look grateful, as if he was off the hood for something. He could see the shadow going across his face for just a moment before he composed himself. “Yeah I guess you’re used to that shit by now.” He mused, taking some medication with his orange juice. “What time is it anyways?”

“Don’t worry we still got a few hours.” He told him, and saw was relieved that he had a little time. “There’s no rush.”

_You should ask him about our arrangement Captain.. _

The words from the letter flashed in his head and he did his best to shake them off. There was no way in hell he was bringing that up right now. Maybe ever. The sick connotations of all the things that piece of shit had written to him and told him in person were sitting in his head though. He thought he’d cleared that shit out, but that bastard had wheedled him again with it. Knowing full well he’d think about it. If he ever got his hands on him again…

But he clamped himself down hard on that thought. _Don’t let him get to you_ he thought to himself. Don’t

“Hey punk stop thinking so damn hard.” Bucky said with some mirth. “I’m choking on all the smoke coming out of your ears.”

Just that look in Bucky’s was enough to pull him way out of his thoughts. “You’re such a jerk.” He said to him, wrapping his hand around the back of his head. “You know that right?”

Bucky hooded his eyes over his glass of orange juice, feeding Arya a piece of bacon as he did. “So I’ve been told many… many times..”

He let Bucky put down his orange juice before pulling him into a sweet, prolonged kiss. He moved the bacon plate aside, allowing Arya to get the rest and pulled him closer, getting a better grip on his hair. Pushing all thoughts of that letter and its author out of his mind, concentrating on those perfect lips smiling against his as his shirt was gripped tightly.

“You know it’s.. too bad you already took a shower.” Bucky breathed against his lips. “Cause I need to… wash my hair..”

Steve smiled and pressed his face into Bucky’s. “I can always take another one jerk.” He told him, using his other hand to pull Bucky against him. “Since I’m already clean I can.. concentrate completely on you and.. take my time..”

Bucky grinned and seemed to climb on him a little. “I like the sound of that punk..”

He lifted Bucky effortlessly off the bed and took him to the bathroom for said shower. And true to his word, took his time in there, making sure his hubby was squeaky clean and very relaxed. Loving how the sounds of his moans and cries echoed off the tile walls, ringing in his ears, making him satisfied in a very basic, primal way. That he could make him feel this way, the only one Bucky would allow to touch him like this. It was such an amazing thing to him really.

Pressing Bucky’s wet body against the shower wall, all he could think of was _Mine… _and he embraced that. Staking his claim once agai.

When they’d finally tore themselves away from each other and managed to get out the door, they still had a little time. The Peace Palace, where the court was, wasn’t that far, they could’ve walked to it, but there was the matter of the press and crowds, so they went out the back way to the gated area of the valet and let that way to avoid that whole mess.

While in the car, Bucky seemed to get a funny look on his face as they passed a nearby restaurant. Steve couldn’t quite read it, Bucky was sometimes good at keeping his face neutral when he was trying to hide how he felt about something, but this was just a little weird.

“You wanna eat there later?” Steve asked, just trying anything really.

Bucky shook his head. “No.” He answered, with a small edge to his voice. “I’d rather not.”

Steve marked this down for later consideration, deciding not to ask right now. Wondering if it had anything to do with him waking up last night and that cryptic response to his own statement about not having been to this city before _I have…_

There were other press and people there too when they got there, but Steve just drove through them without any acknowledgement by either of them. They had a pass to park in the garage, where, once again, press was not allowed.

As he parked the car he turned to Bucky, who was unbuckling his seatbelt. “Just know I love you okay?” He said to him, not sure why he needed to remind him of this, he just did.

Bucky bit his lip and then slid over on the seat to press his face against Steve’s, hand on his face. “I know punk.. I love you too.”

He just sat there like that for a little bit, taking a breather before they went inside to get this thing started. Both of them needing a minute. It was quiet in there, no one seemed to be around even though there were cars parked everywhere.

Finally Bucky pulled away, composing himself. “Okay lets get this over with.”

Steve nodded and as they got out of the car, their hands found each other and they walked like that, hand in hand, all the way in.

\--

Steve was inside with the prosecutor, going over his statement and testimony so Bucky was waiting in an adjacent room. Amelia, who had already had her turn with the prosecutor had hung around to stay with him, sensing he was full of nerves. It was a good thing she was there to be honest. And they had a little privacy.

“You doing okay?” She asked, sitting next to him in the chair.

Bucky had his hands tented together between his knees as he leaned over in his chair. “Not really.” He answered. “But when am I ever?”

“You don’t’ give yourself nearly enough credit you know?” She told him, putting her hand comfortingly on his. “I’ve seen people who’ve gone through a lot less than you fall apart in situations like this.” She smiled at him warmly. “You’re holding up really well.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” He said, sighing heavily. “And if I’m honest, if it wasn’t for Steve I wouldn’t be.”

“It’s not just this is it?” Amelia asked, as usual very perceptive. “There’s something else on your mind.”

He looked at her, knowing he could tell her, it was alright. They had a little privacy in here and she’d always assured him that anything he said to her was private. She’d even told him she wouldn’t say anything on the stand that he didn’t want said. That it was her duty as his therapist to protect his interests like that. And she’d never done anything to make him believe otherwise. He’d felt safe around her, even in these surroundings.

“I had a mission here.” He confessed, letting it out finally. “I.. the Soldier.. shot someone from a roof nearby and.. we went by the place where… they died..”

He remembered seeing the body crumple through the scope of the rifle. Everyone near him scattering and seeming to scream. No one looked up in his direction, because they hadn’t heard the shot. Silencers were always used for those. Not that they could see him anyways, it was dark, and he was a quarter of a mile away. It was a shot only a few people in the world could’ve made. Once of the reasons they’d picked him, he’d always had deadeye aim like that.

And if that wasn’t bad enough there was.. the other one. In the stairwell. There wasn’t supposed to be any witnesses. A cut-off scream and the familiar sound of a breaking neck. He literally felt that shake go through him.

“There was a… witness and I wasn’t supposed to leave any.” He told her, looking at his hands again. “I had to.. dispose of them too. “

He let himself look at her, knowing she’d heard things like this from him many times in therapy, and even time he’d expected her to be disgusted or horrified by what she’d heard. That she’d see him for the monster he felt like he was. But like then, there was none of that, only empathy and understanding and he still sometimes didn’t know how to deal with that.

“Just a typical mission.” He said as he looked up and out the window. “No one else knew I was there.. like a ghost.”

“And ghosts don’t feel anything .” Amelia stated softly to him, taking his hand. “But it hurts you now doesn’t it?”

“They all do.” He told her, biting his lip painfully. “Every fucking one of them.”

“Sometimes you still wish you didn’t don’t you?” She asked in a soft tone. “You still wish you were that ghost.”

He had to admit sometimes he did. There were times, on his worst days, when he wished he could just disappear into thin air. To feel nothing and be forgotten again. He remembered that feeling when he was alone, hoping that everyone, including Steve, would just forget him. He was pained that he sometimes still felt that even now. The need to be and feel nothing again. To be anonymous.

But then he would see Steve and Arya, and others that loved him and he’d remember what he was fighting for again. His feelings were so up and down and knew Amelia knew that well.

“Yeah.” He admitted to her. “Sometimes I do but then I remember.”

“What do you remember?”

“That I’m not a ghost anymore.” He replied, trying to smile a little. “That I matter.”

“Yes you do.” She told him, smiling softly. “You have to keep remembering that. And something else as well over the next few weeks.”

“What?” He asked, holding her gaze intently.

“To put the blame where it belongs. On them not yourself.” She told him, her hands on his arms. “When you are out there speaking for all the victims.. don’t forget the biggest one of all. You.”

Even now he’d still had a hard time thinking of himself as one too. To admit to the world that he had been hurt the way he had. Acknowledging the truth was painfully hard. That he’d been that vulnerable. Had been degraded and abused to the point where he didn’t even remember his own name. It was hard to admit that himself, never mind others. And he would have to admit it to the world as well. To show that vulnerability to everyone was terrifying.

He just nodded his head at her, having a hard time with words. “Yeah… I suppose.”

“I know it’s hard.” She continued. “But you also need to remember you survived it… that you’ve already defeated them just being here at all.”

“I guess so but I’m just..” He choked out. “Scared.”

“I know you are.” Amelia said smiling at him softly. “It’s okay to be scared. “

He’d felt a bit better now. Just admitting these tings was sometimes enough to make him feel lighter. Even stronger. He’d felt so grateful to her and to everyone else who’d been helping him along the way and he cold never find the words to thank any of them really.

It was at that moment they were interrupted by someone coming in to tell him it was his turn. He saw Steve step out at that moment and had to fight the urge to just stupidly run up and jump in his arms. He settled for letting Steve take his hands and lean his forehead against his for a moment.

“I’ll see you after okay?” Steve told him, squeezing his hands.

“Yeah yeah.” Bucky answered, stepping back. “Stop worryin’ punk I’ll be fine.”

This wasn’t even the trial itself and he was already feeling all kinds of things. Including rising anxiety. He wasn’t sure he’d even make it that fa, if he was like this for a preliminary hearing. But he would have to be he knew. So he stepped back from him and let go of his hands.

“Well I’m gonna.” Steve answered as he turned away. “Since when have I ever listened to you.”

Bucky just smiled over his shoulder. “Don’t remind me.”

Once he was inside, it was just him and the prosecutor and he took his seat in front of the desk to look at her. She was an attractive at least in her 30’s and looked Eastern European to him. He’d had a lot of experience with that part of the world, and when she started talking it was a familiar accent.

“Hello Sergeant Barnes.” She said, her voice soft but sounded like it could be commanding when she needed it to be. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Bucky forced a smile. “Likewise.”

“Before we get started.” The prosecutor said , folding her hands on the desk. “I want assure that nothing you reveal here or on the stand will be used against in any further proceeding. You have already been cleared by both your home country and the International Court.”

“Okay.” Bucky answered, having already knew this but it was good to hear it again.

“And your doctor’s have made it clear as well that your memory may not completely intact will be made clear as well.” She continued to explain. “And they will discuss only relevant information regarding your injuries and your mental conditions. Everything else is privileged just like in your country as well.”

Bucky nodded again. Continually relived at this. “Yeah.”

“Now e can start.” She told him, taking out some files and putting them on the desk. “Let’s go from the beginning.”

And so it began, he once again had to tell his story. A summary for now. Preview of coming attractions when the whole sorid mess would be spoken to the world.

\--

“So how are you doing?”

Steve was started by the question, having forgotten for a moment that anyone else was there. He turned and saw Amelia was just gathering her jacket. She’d been sitting with Bucky while he was in there and just hadn’t left yet.

He gave her his brightest smile. “I’m good considering and all.”

“That’s good to hear. “ She asked and came closer, putting her coat over her arm. “I was just wondering because I’m sure this has all been hard on you too.”

“I’m just here for Bucky.” Steve told her, doing his best to hide any distress of his own. “Whatever he needs.”

She must’ve sensed something because her look got even softer if that was possible. “It’s alright Captain Rogers I’m not prodding you.” She assured him. “I’m his therapist not yours.”

Steve thought about that, knowing Bucky must’ve told her something about earlier. At least more than he told him. Not that she would say anything, and he certainly wouldn’t expect her to. But he did sort of want her opinion anyways. Or maybe to just get something off his own chest.

“I know you can’t tell me anything.” He started, crossing his arm as he stood there. “But is he doing okay? I mean he’s not always forthcoming and..”

“And you worry.” She finished, putting her bag down. “I understand that. And you’re right I can’t tell you what he says to me, but we can talk about you if you want.”

Steve felt a little defensive about that but tried not to show it. “I’m fine, I am.”

“I’m sure you are.” She answered, seeming to watch him steadily. “But sometimes watching someone you love go through things like that can take a toll we’re not even aware of until much later.”

She sounded like she was speaking from experience on that. There was something in her eyes when she said it. Amelia had a very comforting presence and a great sense of empathy and Steve could understand why Bucky trusted her so much. She really had done wonders for him, had helped him open up and he was so grateful to her for that. And had complete faith in her himself.

“It’s just.. I don’t know what he’s told you but he’s.. had more bad days than good lately and…” He trailed off for a moment, not sure how far he wanted to go here at first. “Is that something I should worry about?”

She nodded at this and sat down in front of him. “Recovery is not a linear thing, people go through phases sometimes.” She explained, folding her hands on her lap. “Especially if they are under extreme stress. It is a very normal thing for him to have to have fluctuations. “She looked at him studiously. “Is there something specific you’re worried about?”

Steve actually chuckled a little at that. “Where would I begin?” He asked and then got serous. “It’s just general concern that’s all.”

“What I can tell you he’s doing remarkably well considering the last few months and all.” She told him reassuringly. “You both have to be patient with the process is all. And most importantly you have to remember that you can’t fix him.” She gave him a soft smile. “Just keep doing what you’re doing what you’re doing because trust me, you’re helping him more than you think.”

He’d felt strangely grateful for hearing that, because sometimes he didn’t think he was doing enough to help him. It was sometimes a very difficult battle to keep Bucky with him all the way. To protect him the way he felt he should’ve to begin with.

Like from Kovalev. Causing him to think of that letter stuffed in his bag.

“Is there anything else on your mind?”

She was perceptive that was for sure. But he didn’t want to share that just yet, as much as it was bothering him. There was something else that he did want to ask though. “You do a lot for him too.” He observed. “I know you’ve got other patients.. but you seemed to… go above and beyond for him. Why?”

“He’s a special case.” She admitted, and he saw that look in her eyes again. “When you both first came to my office and I saw him, saw his arm bandaged up and how scared he was, how desperate you both were I just knew I wanted to, needed to help him.”

He could see it was personal to her. That she’d seen something in that moment that put them in a different class. Remembering himself how it had been a few days since Bucky had cut his wrist in the cabin and how lost and desperate he’d been to grab onto anything for help at that moment. How Bucky had finally reached out for help. And gotten it.

“Whatever the reason, I’m grateful.” He told her, not wanting to ask anything personal. “You… saved his life.”

“No I didn’t.” Amelia said as she got up. “He did that all on his own the second he walked in the door.”

He was thinking about that conversation as Bucky finally came out from the interview. He looked tired, as if what he’d talked about had just worn him out. It caused Steve to remember the way he’d looked when he’d come out of Amelia’s office that first time. And all he wanted to embrace him, like he had then, but he had to be sure it was what Bucky wanted at that moment. Sometimes he didn’t want to be touched right away.

“How’d it go?” He asked, putting his hand on Bucky’s arms gently.

“Alright I guess.” Bucky answered, his arms crossed for the moment. “We just, went over what I was going to say on the stand.” He seemed to hug himself a little tighter. “She kinda got a summary of the shit show that was my life with them.”

“You okay? He asked carefully, lifting his other arm put that hand on his face comfortingly. He didn’t flinch, which was good.

“Not really.” Bucky answered, biting his lower lip again. “But I will be.”

Steve wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and pulled his face against his. “Yes.” He whispered to him. “I know you will.” He let his fingers curl into his hair a little more. “But I’m more worried about right now.”

Bucky seemed to finally unfold his arms and just wrapped them around Steve’s back, and buries his face in his shoulder. “Can we just.. got back to the hotel?” He asked against his shirt. “Please?”

“Sure.” Steve agreed, keeping his hand on his hair. “We can order in and everything.”

On their way out, Bucky had once again attempted some anonymity, with his hat back on and hood pulled up. He simply didn’t want to be seen right now or bothered and that was alright. He walked behind Steve with his hands in his pockets and Steve had turned every so often for some reason to make sure he was still behind him. Not sure why he thought he wouldn’t be.

Getting into the garage, to the car he’d realized it hadn’t completely worked. He’d had a sense that some knew who they were, but it was confirmed by an object on their rental. Another damn note, shoved under the windshield wiper. Steve was getting a bit sick of these lately.

Before he could grab it, Bucky, quick as a cat already had and stared at it for a moment before simply ripping it up and tossing it aside. Steve did his best to try to read the expression, but Bucky was in one of those seriously guarded states in which he was utilizing his poker face.

“What did it say?” He tried, pretty sure he wasn’t going to get an answer.

Bucky’s face did a little shift as he focused his attention on opening the car door. “Does it matter?”

“I don’t know.” Steve said as he opened his door, looking at Bucky through the car. “You tell me.”

“Just the usual shit.” Bucky replied as he got in. “Let’s get out of here.”

He knew that was all he was going to get right now. He could only imagine what it had actually said. He’d seen some nasty stuff sent to them at home before, some of which Bucky had seen and some he hadn’t. There would always be someone out there who wouldn’t let you forget for 5 seconds, every sin you eve committed.

But he also thought of the note he’d gotten himself, slipped under the door _Ask him about our arraignment.._ It had an insinuation he didn’t care for, like the other one that bastard had sent months ago. And part of him wondered if it had been in a similar vein. Had it just been a random angry person or was it a pattern? Unless Bucky talked, he wouldn’t know for certain.

“Well whatever it was..” He started saying as he pulled out of the garage. “Let’s forget about it okay?”

Bucky looked out the window, his eyes tracking some press that seemed to be becoming aware of them as they came out of the garage. “Already tryin’” He said in a tight voice, his eyes wary.

Thankfully the light changed before the horde could get anywhere near the car and they were able to get away from there for now. They would have to come back. Once the trial started it would be like this every day and Steve wasn’t sure how Bucky was going to handle it. Hell he wasn’t sure how he was going to.

But for now, he just wanted to get Bucky back to the hotel and its relative safety. And see what Tony had found out about their visitor this morning.

He saw Bucky’s eyes flick to that restaurant again as they drove by it. Saw his face tighten as if recalling something and decided to ask again. “What happened there?”

“A mission was accomplished.” Bucky said simply, turning his head slightly to look at him with dark eye . “That’s what happened.”

Steve just nodded, his suspicion confirmed on that one. He was sure there were a lot of places in the world that held those kinds of memories for Bucky. It was terrible that it had to be so close to where they were going to be present at regularly. But in an odd way maybe it was fitting too. Allowing him to confront it regularly and maybe get past it.

“That’s not who you are anymore Buck.” He told him, lifting his metal hand and squeezing it gently. “You know that right?”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered in that same tone. “But I still did all of it didn’t I?”

He didn’t seem to want to talk anymore and that was fine. He’d probably done enough talking today as it was. Maybe if he got back inside, with Arya and some semblance of safety at the hotel he might open up but for now silence was alright.

\--

Bucky laid on the bed crossways, absently petting the cat, who’d curled up beside him. Steve was on the phone, and whatever it was, he didn’t want him to hear. That was alright, he didn’t mind a little time to himself after the first stage of this had been completed.

_How’s your conscience these days?_ The note on the car had read, in red lettering of course. _I hope its eating you alive you murdering bastard. _

Bucky could not find a lie in that note to be honest. Because reliving all that shit, even if was just to summarize today, had reminded him of just how much harm he’d done. How much havoc he’d caused. _Put the blame where it belongs_ Amelia had told him, and he was trying like hell but all he could see was his target through the scope and his finger on the trigger.

He felt guilty, even after all this time. That old self-loathing was there in spite of his efforts to stop it.

Turning his head, he saw Arya laying there staring at him with her big green eyes. Looking at her he understood she didn’t see that in him. Didn’t see the monster he still felt like sometimes in dark moments like this She didn’t care where he’d been or what he’d done. She just saw him. Her Daddy. And that made him smile for the first time in hours.

He’d been told he’d have ups and downs, but this was ridiculous.

He rolled onto his side and started scratching he stomach, hearing her purr grow louder as she rolled over. One or her paws ended up on his face and was just so sweet he couldn’t help but feel even better. And then her nose rubbed against his chin and the rest of the bad thoughts melted away. At least for now.

“Thanks little darlin’” He cooed to her, scratching under her chin with his metal fingers, which he’d been scratching her tummy with too. “I feel a lot better.”

Pulling her into his arms Bucky laid back down on his back and let her lay on his chest, petting her and continuing to scratch under chin. Doing his best to concentrate on this. The right now. Instead in that past which hurt so damn much. This didn’t. It didn’t hurt at all.

They said pets were scientifically proven to be therapeutic and he knew that was true.

He was so enraptured by the moment he didn’t hear Steve come in, until he became aware he was being stared at and flicked his eyes up. The love of his life staring at him with those eyes, his arms crossed, cell phone in his hand. Bastard probably already took a picture. He would not have been surprised.

“How long you been watching me punk?” He asked, giving him his best smile. “Cause it’s kind of creepy.”

Steve just smiled again and came over, sitting down on the bed, giving Arya a pat of his own, causing her back to arch with all the extra attention she was getting. Such a little princess he mused to himself.

“I can’t help that you’re gorgeous.” Steve told him, moving some hair from Bucky’s face to give him a quick kiss on the head. “And I can’t take my eyes off you.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes, he’d heard that one hundreds of times. But as much he faked irritation, he actually loved hearing it. Enjoyed the way Steve said it with such dorky, old-fashioned sincerity. And then remembered the way he’d been earlier, kind of dickish in the car and immediately winced internally.

“Sorry about earlier.” Bucky said apologetically. “I was a bit busy feeling sorry for myself I guess.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his face, just under one of those locks of hair that would never stay in place. “I wish you’d stop apologizing.” He told him, looking into his eyes with such a soft look. “When you did nothing wrong.”

Biting he lip he let his hand rest on Steve’s arm. “But I did.. I did a lot of things wrong.”

“None of that was your fault.” Steve said to him, leaning closer to emphasize it. “And I wish you’d accept that.”

He wanted to say he couldn’t. That accepting himself as a victim in all this and not a guilty party was difficult if not impossible. That at his worst all he saw was a murderer, responsible for the deaths of dozens. Who deserved no better than to be treated like the dangerous animal he was. That sometimes he still felt those chains around his neck and the electricity burning inside and out. Thinking he didn’t fight enough against it all, with the other part of him asking in a despairing voice, how much harder he was supposed to fight after all that abuse. He could say how unworthy of him he still felt sometimes.

“I am trying it’s just..” He told him, trying to hide the conflict he had about this. “It’s just.. complicated.”

“No it’s not Buck.” Steve said, brushing that hair with his thumb. “Not as much as you think.”

He flicked his eyes at the window, away from Steve’s for now, just wanting to change the subject. “Who was on the phone?” He asked for no reason other than to do just that. “Were you ordering dinner?”

“Not yet .” Steve answered, knowing the conversation was closed for now. “It was Tony I just had to ak him something that’s all.”

Bucky sensed some avoidance in Steve now, like that was just a small part of the story. “About what?”

“It’s not important.” Steve told him, sitting back a little. “Just some hotel info I didn’t get yesterday.”

It sounded like a lie, but who was he to call him on that if he was being honest. Bucky was still learning how to be honest these days. So he filed it away and sat up himself, shifting the cat in his lap as he did. It was still somewhat light out and didn’t feel like dinner time but the clock said it was well after 6 so he supposed it was.

“So what’s for dinner?” He asked after a few minutes. “I am kinda hungry.”

“Whatever you want jerk. “Steve told him, smiling as he picked up the phone again. “They got everything.”

“I could do with some pizza.” Bucky answered, feeling his stomach rumble at the thought. “Although I doubt it’s as good as it is at home.”

“It never is.” Steve agreed. “But I can put in a special order.” He rubbed Bucky’s leg and then patted it. “We are special guests after all.”

He didn’t even have to tell Steve what kind of pizza either. He knew what he liked. In pretty much every aspect of their lives. There was a comfort in someone knowing you that well. A sense of normalcy he actually treasured quite a bit.

The pizza was actually pretty good too, not as good as home but more than enough to satisfy that craving. Because he was already homesick to be honest and they were going to be here a while. Arya even got some cheese and bacon in her little dish as well and was a very happy cat, fully stuffing her own face.

Bucky felt his anxiety and depression from earlier slide off in the simple pleasures of just doing something they did at home. He could’ve been out exploring the area but to be honest, peop0le knew he was here and he’d rather stay in and watch some Dutch tv eating pizza and having a burping contest with his husband than be harassed by reporters and others who good or bad intentions.

“Wow that was good one.” Steve praised as Bucky let one out after a huge cup of Coke. “A prize winner for sure.”

“Beat that punk.” Bucky said proudly, leaning back on the bed. “Or forfeit.”

“I never forfeit jerk.” Steve replied and took a huge gulp of soda himself. “I can do this all day remember?”

He then leaned back let one out, a loud one and Bucky literally collapsed in laughter. “Damn Rogers that’s rank.” He declared, clutching his stomach and holding his nose. “I think I felt my hair blow back there..”

“Sounds like I won then.”

“I didn’t say that.” Bucky corrected. Putting his hands Steve’s legs and leaning over him. “I just said it was nasty that’s all.”

He was having fun without drinking anything alcoholic and found he loved it. He and Steve used to do this as kids too, try to outdo each other on these gross things that boys often did. It reminded him of being more innocent and less burdened and he loved it. And just let out a final loud burp that he swore it came from his feet somewhere.

“You’re so rude Sergeant Barnes.” Steve declared, letting his hands rest on Bucky’s hips. “That’s conduct unbecoming of an officer.”

Bucky just grinned and climbed a little more onto his lap. “So then court-martial me Captain.” He purred, pushing him down onto the bed. “Or shut the fuck up.”

He then felt one strong hand grab his ass and the other his hair, messing up the already loosened bun holding it back. Which in turn caused more hair to fall out as he was pulled into a kiss, one that tasted like pepperoni, cheese, and Coke and he smiled into it, more than happy to let this go wherever it went. He was enjoying himself immensely now.

It wasn’t long before the lower half his clothes were off and he was joyfully riding Steve hips, his fingers raking over his chest, and that hand still in his hair, pulling it the rest of the way out of the bun. Their eyes locked holding his gaze he wiped away the rest of the stress in his favorite way.

The cat happily ignoring them as she munched on the leftovers given her. It was all good.

He ended up sprawled out on a sleeping Steve’s chest, letting his hand room up and down his side. He tried to sleep himself, and in spite of the exhaustion from the great ride he’d just had, he couldn’t sleep. This was nothing new lately.

Everything from the day started creeping back in again in spite of his efforts to keep it out.

The prosecutor saying _We advise you just be as honest as possible. If you don’t remember something just say you don’t. Don’t try to fill it in_

He remembered being as honest as he could as he summarized what was the most horrible series of events. Knowing he would have to go into great detail about all of it. In front of everyone.

Amelia’s voice _Sometimes you wish you were still that ghost don’t you?_

The note on the car _How’s your conscience lately?_

The memories of being up on that roof, with the cold wind in his hair as he took the kill shot. Of the innocent witness whose only crime had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The sound that neck made when snapped.

_No witnesses.._

And of course Steve, always Steve, telling him it wasn’t his fault. Trying to make him feel better as much as he could. Of the gentleness of the touch when he needed it the most. So different from that of the others, whose hands had always intended harm, even if they seemed soft at first.

Bucky pressed his face into Steve’s stomach in an attempt to kill all the bad ones. But they wouldn’t go. They just.. wouldn’t.

Lifting his head he saw the mini-fridge, which he knew had some liquor in it. As much as he didn’t want to resort to it, he didn’t know what else to do, he’d tried everything else. Tried to breath and relax his mind. To enjoy the pleasures of his husband. His mind just wouldn’t shut off. Wouldn’t be silent enough for him to sleep.

So he got up as carefully as possible, as not to wake Steve and grabbed his shorts, putting them back on before silently walking over and opening the fridge. It had a lock-code but that was no matter to him. Locks had never kept him or the Soldier out of anything . They’d trained him too well there. He grabbed a couple of the small bottles and opened the door to the patio, walking out into the cool night. 

Sitting down on the railing, with no fear of how high he was, he looked out at the city. At one building in particular and fell into that familiar stare. Looking at the building but at nothing really as he began to drink one of the bottles. Feeling the wind move through the air like it had that night, decades ago.

His hands on the rifle as he held it, lining up his target with a coldness and precision that was terrifying even now. He was there again, remembering it as if it was happening right then and there. Falling into the memory again.

\--

Steve became aware of two things. One it was a little cooler in the room. And two, Bucky wasn’t in the be once againd. It raised an old but familiar fear in him that he hadn’t felt In a long time.

That he was gone. Vanished. That it had been some terrible coma dream or something. Bucky didn’t know he had these fears too, because he’d never vocalized them to him. But they were there too. But he quickly realized that Bucky was most likely out on the balcony. Which was unsettling but at least tangible.

As he got up he noticed something else as well. The fridge door was ajar.

Getting dressed himself he walked over to the patio door and sure enough Bucky was out there, bottle in his hand, staring off into the distance. But more alarmingly, sitting on the railing. They were on the top floor after all. The penthouse level.

Opening the door he went out, making sure to close it behind him for the sake of the cat Mischievous and curios as she was. But the cat was not the problem. “Bucky?” He asked, walking over, as carefully as possible to not startle him. “What are you doing out here?”

He didn’t react at first and Steve immediately made sure to get a grip on him before he did. He put his hand on his face, trying to get his attention because, well, he didn’t seem to be there fully. He saw that blank look. The thousand-yard stare as they called it. And he looked to where his eyes were fixated, a non-descript building like any other.

“Bucky?” Steve said again, starting to see some clarity in his eyes again. “You have to come down okay?”

Bucky nodded but didn’t move, just turned his head back to look at that same building. “I was there when I took the shot.” He said cryptically. “Had a perfect view.. good line of sight.”

Steve watched him swallow and drink down a little more of the alcohol and just badly wanted to move him. But knew force wasn’t going to work here, and it would’ve made things worse. So he just carefully turned him away from the ledge a little.

“I see you got in the fridge.” He observed, not bothering to try and take it away either. “Figure out the code?”

“Locks don’t’ stop him Steve. ” Bucky answered, finally turning his head back to look at Steve. “How the hell do you think he got up there?”

Steve nodded, knowing that was true. They’d trained him to get into things and places with locks. Not that he needed to have been. Bucky was good at figuring things out anyways, with the abstract way his mind worked, Hydra just honed it a bit.

“We can talk about it when you get down.” He told him, trying to coax him down. “It’s not safe.”

“I’m not scared.” Bucky replied, being slightly resistant but not obstinate. “I’ve fallen from higher and survived.”

“Is that supposed to be funny?” Steve asked, feeling a wince at that statement. “Cause it’s not.”

Bucky actually looked apologetic at that. “Sorry punk.” He told him. “Don’t know why I said that.”

He was feeling a bit self-loathing at the moment he was sure. And maybe nervous and scared as well. Which was causing the mood-swings. But he was really worried. What if he lost his balance or had a seizure when he was sitting there. It scared Steve to think of tat to be honest. So he just decided to take matters in his own hands at this point.

Making sure he had a good grip on his legs, he hauled Bucky right off the railing and put him over his shoulder, before depositing him in the chair. “Maybe you don’t care about yourself at the moment but I do.” He admonished him, seeing a little defiance in his eyes. “So I want your ass firmly on this chair and not on that railing.”

“You already had my ass earlier punk.” Bucky said with a bit of haughty tone. “You want it again?”

Steve leaned over him on the chair and just looked hard into his eyes. “Cut it out.” He said with a little force in his voice. “Now we can talk if you want to.. .or whatever just don’t be like this alright?”

Bucky looked at him with still some defiance. “Like what?”

“You know what I mean.” He told him, his hands on his arms. “Just get it off your chest so you can breathe.”

Bucky seemed to swallow hard at that before finishing off the small bottle still in his hand. “The.. target liked to go to the restaurant.. It was a routine they knew.” He said in a steady voice, holding Steve’s eyes as he leaned over him. “That building had a good view and it was an easy shot.. at least for him.” He tilted his head slightly as if looking at in his memory. “Even with the wind he could make that shot.. there were only a few people in the world that could.. And he was one of them.”

Steve watched him, not touching him at the moment and understood he was talking about the mission he’d hinted at. Could see the far way, yet pained look of recollection. He wanted to make him stop. To take him back inside but knew he needed to talk yet again. And couldn’t help but notice he kept using the words ‘he’ as he talked. It was the only way he could cope sometimes he knew. To separate the memory from himself like that.

“One shot with a silencer and no one even looked up.” He continued, drinking what was left of the bottle. “No one knew he was there.. so he packed up the rifle, taking it apart to dispose of it, and went to leave and.. “ There was a pause in his statement, his eyes closing in a painful way Steve recognized. “As he was leaving.. he ran into someone on the stairs and..”

“No witnesses.” Steve finished for him, feeling that pain of the knowledge.

“I don’t know who they were but they were just.. in the wrong place.” Bucky said with a crack in his voice. “He disposed of the body in the water.” He nodded toward said water, which they could see from here. “And no one ever knew he.. I.. was even there.. we were.. anonymous.”

Steve knew he couldn’t just tell him it was okay. Those were hollow words considering what he carried around inside. He knew it wasn’t. He slept next to him at night, heard his screams and whimpers and did his best to comfort him from it. Remembering what Amelia had said earlier _You can’t fix him.. just keep doing what you’re doing and that’s enough._

“I’m gonna have to say this stuff on the stand.” Bucky continued, looking in Steve’s eyes in that haunted way he’d become familiar with. “Give them unabridged version.. talk about how I committed murder on their orders and there are times when I wonder if I got away with it you know?”

“Is that what you think?” Steve asked, leaning a little closer. “You still think you were complicit in that shit Buck?” He grabbed his face a little tighter. “You didn’t even know who you were for crisssakes. How could you be?”

“Because I did it.” Bucky said adamantly. “I pulled the trigger. Me. The Soldier was me the whole time so how could I not be?”

“You know you’re not.” Steve told him. “You’re just punishing yourself again cause you’re scared and it’s alright to be scared.”

Bucky just sort leaned forward, butting his head against Steve’s shoulder and gripped his arms. “I am and I hate it.” He said with a shuddering sigh. “I hate it so much.”

“It’s okay to be afraid Buck.” Steve said softly into his hair. “I am too.”

He felt Bucky’s face nuzzle into his shoulder a little more. “Of what?”

There were so many things really. Scared of what was coming. The trial. It hadn’t even started yet and it was already affecting Bucky like this. Scared of what he would hear there, what would be said. Of losing him in any way that he could lose him. A fear of what he himself might do if the threat continued.

Scared of what was in that letter and his need to ask him what it meant.

“A lot of things Buck.” He just said in place of all that. “A lot of things.”

He then the lonesome sound of a large clock bell, echoing two chimes across the city, and knew it was late. Very late. Bucky needed to sleep but he had a feeling he would have a hard time doing it. It was another one of those nights for him. He might need a little help and they did have options. Even if Bucky didn’t particularly like it.

“Pam’s right down the hall alright?” Steve told him, lifting his head so he could look at him. “I’m gonna call her and see if she can give you something to help you sleep.”

He immediately saw that defiant look in Bucky’s eyes and knew he might have a bit of a fight on his hands. “Do I get a voice in this?”

“Or coursed you do.” Steve told him with a patient tone. “But you need to sleep or you’re gonna feel worse.”

“Well it sounds like I don’t then do I Captain?” Bucky said sarcastically. “I’ve heard that ‘it’s for my own good’ crap before you know?”

His eyes had a dark cast Steve didn’t particularly care for, but he kept his patience, understanding full well where this came from. Even after all these years Bucky had a healthy distrust of being drugged for this purpose. He was willing to take his regular medication but was still resistant to sedatives, especially when he was in agitated states like this. It just brought his paranoia out big time.

But Steve still didn’t care for the insinuation in his words. “Unlike them, I do have your best interests at heart.” He told him with some forced in his voice as he leaned over him. “And you know that so stop that shit right now.” He wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and gripped his hair with a little force. “At ease Soldier.”

The effect was immediate as always, the tension seemed to leave Bucky’s body and the defiance slid from his eyes. Steve didn’t know why that worked, how that calmed him so quickly, but it did. His eyes were still a bit wide but they lacked the anger now. Steve used the opportunity to pull him to his feet with his other arm, while still holding his hair like that.

“Let’s go inside okay?” He suggested to him. “It’s a little chilly out here.”

Bucky nodded complacently. “Sure.”

Pulling Bucky inside he let him sit down and called up Pam, who was a few doors down. She and Sam, along with the others, all had rooms up here. And she’d made it clear to Steve if Bucky needed anything, he could call her at any time day or night and she’d be right over, no questions asked. She was his doctor after all. And just like Amelia, she always went above and beyond when it came to him.

So once Bucky was situated, he called her up and sure enough, she was there only minutes later. Sam was also with her and Steve had something to talk to him about as well. Regarding what the security tapes from the night before had revealed.

“Thanks for coming.” He apologized to them both. “I know it’s late.”

“I’m always on call.” Pam told him, rather brightly for this late at night. “That’s the deal.”

As Pam went to tend to Bucky, Steve pulled Sam aside and began to fill him in on what he’d learned from Tony. “It’s a security risk.” Sam had agreed. “If that guy can up here than anyone can.”

“Well the idea is to keep that from happening. “Steve replied, pulling him aside a little more. “So here’s what we’re doing.”

He proceeded to explain what exactly they were planning to do if any of thee people showed up again.

\--

“Your heart and blood pressure is up.” Pam told Bucky as she gave him a late-night look-over. “I’m a little concerned about that.”

Considering the time of the night, Bucky was surprised by how alert she looked. But he supposed being a doctor meant to be ready at all hours. He felt almost apologetic himself, his earlier anger was gone, at least for now. But he could still hear his own heartbeat in his ears and his breath still felt short. Residue from the flashback no doubt and subsequent rise in anxiety. His hackles were still up, feeling that strange paranoia still lingering on the edges of his mind. Like he wasn’t safe.

“Yeah sorry.” He apologized, hiding this thought for now. “I’m just.. .having a bad night I guess.”

“You’ve had a bad couple of months.” Pam corrected, giving him a sad smile. “You’re not in any pain right? It doesn’t hurt to breath does it?”

He shook his head, for once not noticing any physical pain of any real not. “Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Steve told me you haven’t been sleeping good lately.” She informed him, sitting back and picking up her bag. “I can give you something to help you with that tonight. But only if you want me to.” She gave him another soft smile. “It’s up to you.”

There were times when Bucky was surprised that he was still given choices like this. In his experience with medical personnel, outside of Wakanda that was, his opinions on his own medical care hadn’t been considered. Especially when it came to medicating him. And often it was used for nefarious purposes. It might’ve been that old fear that had caused that little bit of suspicious anger at Steve about suggesting it. Amelia said flare-ups like that would happen. The trauma would manifest itself occasionally and he just had to learn to ride it out and cope.

He trusted the people around him now and knew they meant well. So he knew it was probably a good idea to take something. If just to get a good night’s sleep without the aide of alcohol. “It’s alright.” He told he, giving her his best brace face. “I do need to get some sleep after all and if this will help then I can put up with it.”

“Okay.” She told him and pulled out the medication. “I’m going give you a shot of Valium, it’s a good does it should last you until morning at least. But you might have some vivid dreams.”

Bucky chuckled at that, giving her his arm. “I’m used to that.”

He didn’t care for needles, had been stuck with quite a few in his life, most of which were given by his consent, but he trusted Pam to do it. She was the only one who could to be honest. It barely hurt when she did as well, so it wasn’t unpleasant. He used the time to look over at Steve, who he could see talking to Sam in a quieter voice. He couldn’t make out any of the conversation and was a bit curious as to what was up.

“What do think they’re talking about?” He asked Pam conversationally as she finished up. “Us?”

“I don’t’ know.” She said with a look over her shoulder almost dismissively. “I don’t get involved in the Avengers thing. It’s not my field of expertise.”

Bucky flexed his arm as she undid the rubber tourniquet. “So how soon will this take effect?” He asked curiously as he sat back a little. “Like I’m not just gonna all of sudden pass out right?”

“Your system processes things faster so it will probably take effect a bit sooner.” She explained as she packed her things back up. “So it’s probably a good thing you’re already sitting on the bed.”

She wasn’t kidding about that. His body did process things a lot faster and drugs hit him a lot quicker as a result. Especially since he had to have higher doses because his bodies ability to break down those things. So it would hit him harder and faster, although it didn’t last as long. It was going to be enough to get him some much needed sleep and that was all he could ask for right now.

Once Sam and Pam were gone, he’d laid back on the bed, starting to feel very drowsy. Almost heavy-like to the point where he could barely lift his arms or keep his eyes open. So he was very much fine with Steve maneuvering him on the bed the way he did. It actually made him feel high and silly, which was a welcome feeling, seeing as how being drunk was never an option for him anymore. He rather like that feeling when it hit. It was almost as good as sex. Almost.

“I feel kinda funky punk.” He said and actually giggled. “Hey that almost rhymed..”

“You’re so adorable when you’re high jerk.” Steve replied, rubbing his nose against his.

“You’re cute too Stevie..” Bucky replied to that, his words slurring with sleepiness. “When you’re just… you..”

Steve kissed his head and Bucky smiled at the feel of it. Everything was fading. At least for now. “Go to sleep.” Steve told him, his hand brushing his hair sweetly. “Please?”

“I will.. I will. “ Bucky said, fighting the sleep for just a moment. “But I… I gotta apologize cause I was.. jerk earlier.” He lifted his head, barely able to keep his eyes open. “I’m… sorry punk…”

“I forgive you jerk.” Steve told him, wrapping him up in his arms. “I always do.”

Bucky thought, before falling asleep, that Steve was a little too forgiving sometimes. Because he could be such an asshole. But there was something comforting in knowing at least one person always would. And he fell asleep thinking just that. It was deep and restful for quite a while too.

At least until those vivid dreams would hit him. But even in the midst of them he could still feel the warmth of the arms that were around him. Still hear the voice in the distance that said comforting things to him in the frightening moments of it.

In the dream he was also in a bed, but in a different one. One he couldn’t get out of because he was basically chained to it. And didn’t have any clothes to protect him from the monster that was there as well. The one that touched and did things to him that made him uncomfortable.

The Winter Soldier didn’t like it either. Didn’t like the things this man and the other would do to him. But they didn’t hurt anywhere near as much as when they used to the blue light so he tolerated it. And if he was good, did whatever they wanted, they didn’t hurt him any where near as much. 

Even though they still did. In training. When he didn’t get something right. Or fought them too hard. Then they hurt him. A lot. So he behaved. But the Bucky part of him screamed internally every time the man they only knew as the Colonel would come anywhere near him like this. Just like with the other man, the one they’d killed, Bucky hated this one too. The Soldier had to keep him in check so they wouldn’t get hurt as much. To protect them both.

But even in this dream, in the memory, the Soldier knew better now than he did then. Because of Steve. Because when Steve did these things it didn’t feel bad at all. It felt good. And Steve wouldn’t hurt him if he didn’t behave or do what he wanted. Both Bucky and the Soldier could feel Steve’s presence even in this vivid dream/memory and did their combined best to pull away from it all.

“Soldat..” That terrible man said, very close to him. “You’re mine.”

He wasn’t. Never would be. And forced himself away from it. Trying to get back to his sweet place in his head again. And succeeded to some degree. Opening heavy eyes, he was back with Steve and Arya in the hotel room. But his fear hadn’t left. He could swear someone was there, not far from him. Could swear he could see a shadow in the light from under the door. Could feel a presence. One of menace.

He couldn’t tell if he was still dreaming or awake anymore.

_I will never let you go Soldat…_ a voice whispered. Seeming closer now. Was he inside now? _You are mine._

Both sides of shook with that sound and felt the fight or flight complex kicking in. But then he felt Steve’s arms tighten around him, holding him closer to him. “It’s okay.” That soothing voice whispered. “You’re safe.”

Almost as if he knew what was going on. As if he understood what he was seeing or feeling. Maybe he did. Steve had been through enough of Bucky’s nightmares to know what to do now. And the sound of his voice, and the feel of his body against his was enough to calm him. But he still let out a frightened little whine just the same.

“I didn’t want to.” He whimpered into Steve’s shoulder. “I didn’t.”

“I know Buck.” Steve said to him in that same soothing voice. “It’s okay.”

“He promised he wouldn’t hurt us..” The Soldier half of him said in unison with Bucky. “If we did.. but he still did.. he lied.. he always lied.”

He pushed his face into Steve’s neck as if he could be absorbed into him. The Soldier part of him was right there too, seeking Steve and the good feeling he brought. Steve never made him do terrible things. Never asked anything out of him and the Soldier part of him had taken a long time to understand that but now that he did, he couldn’t see it any other way either. He loved Steve, would do anything for him.

“We love Steve.” The two parts of him said in unison. In perfect sync in his head. “Steve is safe.”

He didn’t hear the response because he was deeply in sleep again. Tightly and safely wrapped in those arms. Both of them feeling safe again and their restlessness calmed.

\--

Steve woke in the morning with an odd feeling. Like something was off. Not with Bucky, who was sleeping soundly next to him, his mouth open as he breathed against Steve’s neck. But something else. As if he felt a presence nearby.

That was when he heard the sound. Almost imperceptible unless you were paying attention. The sound of footsteps just outside the door. And he was certain it wasn’t any of their people. They would’ve buzzed him first. 

Carefully, he got up, as to not wake Bucky. Who simply grumbled a little and seemed to hug the pillow instead. Quietly he walked to the hall and looked at that door at the end of. And saw the shadow of two feet under it.

And heard the rustling sound of a paper being slid under it.

The bastard was right there. And he was going to catch him this time and find out what the hell he wanted. Grabbing his phone, he stuck it in the pocket of his pj’s and took a quick look at Bucky, who was still sleeping and headed for the door as the shadows moved away from it. He waited just long enough so the guy wouldn’t hear him open it and then did.

As he bent down to pick up the note he looked and saw the man turn the corner. He knew the others were already alerted. The alarm Tony had set up most likely went off. But he’d told them to give him a few minutes first as to not give away the advantage. Stuffing this note in his other pocket he made his way down the hall quietly.

And then as he reached the corner by the elevator he made his move.

He was anticipated a bit though. This one wasn’t easily fooled, and the minute Steve went to grab him he turned and a scuffle ensued. And neither one seemed to have the upper hand until Steve had him pinned to the ground, straddling him. He was strong though, difficult to restrain.

“Who are you?” He demanded, his hand on the man’s neck. “Who sent you?”

“You know who sent me Captain.” The man said in a thick Russian accent. “He wants what’s his.”

Steve actually scoffed. “He’s locked up.” He hissed at the man. “He’ll never get near him.”

The man gave a vicious smile back. “Do you honestly think that will hold him?” The man asked. “He has powerful friends.”

“Not as powerful as mine.” Steve growled back at him.

“We will see about that Captain.” The man hissed in return and suddenly he saw a bright light in his head as he was struck by what the man was holding. And then was being pinned himself. “You are not as strong as you think.”

“The alarms was already set off.” Steve choked out, feeling that hand on his throat. “They’ll be hear any minute.”

“It will too late for you Captain.” The man said with a grin, the pressure on his throat causing him to not be able to breath. “And your death will be the last message to the Winter Soldier.. that he can’t escape us.”

Steve fought but the man had a good grip on him, and the throbbing dizziness didn’t help. “He’ll never go back to him.” He hissed through his closing throat. “Never.”

“Oh he will.” The man growled. “He will have no choice.”

Just as he was about to grey out with this thought, the man was hauled off him and he could breathe again. He gasped for air, expecting Tony or Sam, maybe even Wanda but it wasn’t them.

It was Bucky. Looking still looking lethargic from the drugs and from sleep, but still strong enough to not only haul the asshole off him, but to slam him into the wall hard enough to make a dent in it. And now that bastard was the one struggling for air now. Steve could see metal fingers flexing into his throat, almost tight enough to break the skin.

And the look in Bucky’s eyes was so murderously terrifying. Like it wasn’t completely him.

“We will never go back to that..” His voice growled in a frightening way. “Never..”

Steve knew Bucky would kill the man right there, he could see the Soldier part of him enraged as well. It wasn’t vengeful, it was protective. Both parts of Bucky defending him. He felt a swelled sense of pride at this and even a little bit of bizarre turn-on in spite of the situation, watching the tense way the muscles in his back moved and plates on his arm did the same as he squeezed.

But he had to stop him just the same. And as the others got there, Steve was able to get up and wave them off. He put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, which didn’t even move and wrapped an arm around his waist, making sure to give the bastard a satisfied smile before speaking to Bucky and the Soldier directly.

“Let him go.” He whispered in his ear. “It’s alright.”

“He hurt you.” Bucky responded, not quite fully him either. “No one hurts Steve.”

The man was choking, his feet were practically off the floor now, metal fingers flexing into his throat, starting to draw blood now. “I’m okay.” He spoked into his ear again, placing his hand on the metal shoulder as if to push it down. “Let go.”

He felt a strange shudder in Bucky’s body and wasn’t sure if he was going to let go or was getting ready to break his neck. It could go either way. He wrapped his arm tighter around Bucky’s waist and tried one more time.

“At ease Soldier.”

And waited to see if it was enough to keep him from killing the man right there. Holding his own breath tightly as he waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok to start off, this one was a little late (just a little) and there were reasons for that. My birthday was the Saturday before the 4th and that usually and did end being a busy week for me, everyone wanting to take me out for my birthday and the holiday and all , so I had a a bit of a delay in start-time lol. 
> 
> I also got a 'helpful' comment (two actually) that I spelled Wkaanda wrong throughout both my fics, which I will fix eventually (it's a lot of chapters) but I wanted to be clear yet that the misspelling was not deliberate in any way just a stupid mistake but it threw me to get that one one my birthday of all days and it might've given my confidence a hit as well for 'reason' but like I said, it was not intentional :)
> 
> Now on with the chapter cause there were a few things going on to touch on. 
> 
> Bucky's erratic sleep is due to internal stress as most would guess. I know what it's like to not be able to shut off your mind, my and sleep is interrupted so this something I'm familiar with. Bucky has a lot more on his mind than me though lol but anyways, for those of you think sleep is overrated I can tell lack of real sleep is actually really very dangerous, as an doctor will tell so get some damn sleep. haha. 
> 
> I thought it would be interesting if Bucky, as the Winter Soldier, had had a mission in The Hague once, it would add another element to this trip, because he'd be constantly reminded of it as he goes back and for the International Court. The fact that he is starting to put places and maybe even names to these anonymous victims is sort of a double-edge sword. In one way it hurts like when he realizes how real these people are, but on the other hand it motivates him to get justice for them. And by proxy himself, even if he thinks he doesn't deserve it. 
> 
> I like the stuff with Amelia in this, it does flesh her out a little, because she does have a backstory that I have in my head that might come out. Pam too. Because when you create characters you kind of come up with their backstories as well. There's a reason why they both go so above and beyond for Bucky and I like giving a small bit of insight into them both once and a while as well. And quite possibly those stories may make their way into this one. 
> 
> As you Bucky has a variety of coping methods, some of which are healthy and some of which aren't. Arya is definitely one of the former, and the therapeutic value of pets is scientifically proven. They can lower our blood pressure and help us calm down. They are very much a comfort and this little cat is strong presence in my fic and I'm glad she's here. 
> 
> The drinking is still an occasional problem for him and we know why now that he uses it. But he's aware of it enough that can control it some degree, but it does lead to questionable behavoir like sitting on a railing on a high floor, but thankfully he has Steve to keep an eyes on him right ;) 
> 
> Now speaking of that, the notes are definitely an intimidation technique and we know whose behind that. The ones to Steve its' obvious who its from and what the motivation is there. To continue to taunt Steve about what the Colonel himself did to Bucky, and he still has some loyal people outside to do it for him. The contents of the second note are not revealed yet, but combined with the one Steve hid from Bucky, will result in a serious conversation after the dust settle. The one on the car is a bit more ambiguous as to who sent it, since it's more threatening in tone to Bucky instead of Steve, sort of similar to the one he got in #17 of the previous fic. But who knows right? It could just be more sick games too. Either way, there is a definite intimidation thing going on as you can see. 
> 
> The part at the end, sorry it ended like that but, you know haha. But I think it gave Bucky some control over the situation again as well. He was still slightly medicated at the time so keep that in mind there. But sometimes he's a bystander and I love giving him opportunities to show how strong and badass he can be as well when he just acts instead of thinking it out too much. And I do love when and the Soldier get protective of their Steve like that ;) 
> 
> Anyways per usual, the next one doesn't have a concrete title but you'll get to see the conclusion of the events of the end of this one and possibly get to see Bucky take care of Steve, who got his bell rung pretty good by that guy so you can look forward to that. Also an important conversation between our boys and the beginning of the trial as well so here we go. 
> 
> Once again thanks to those who commented on this and much <3<3<3 to you. Hope you are all doing well big *hugs* to you :)


	22. The Whole Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual :)
> 
> And I got this one done quick (I was inspired :D)

_“At ease Soldier..” _

The words penetrated the blind rage he had been feeling since the sight of that man’s hands around Steve’s neck had reached Bucky’s still sleep fogged eyes. He still felt hazy and heavy from the effects of the drugs and for a minute or two wasn’t even sure he was even awake. That this wasn’t some bizarre drug-induced nightmare.

But the feel of Steve’s arms around him and those words in his ear brought him back to earth in a big way.

He had woken in fuzzy incoherent fashion, aware that Steve wasn’t there and a sense of wrongness he couldn’t quite define. He heard the voice of the Soldier in his head _Steve.. danger.._ and listened to it. The Soldier was rarely wrong on these things, so he got out of bed, barely noticing the cat blinking at him as he did. He was weirdly focused even in this state. And saw the door ajar and the alarms went off even more now.

In the moment it had the hazy, strange air quality of those places he went in head sometimes, making him wonder if this wasn’t a redux of that again. His mind had finally bent under the pressure and he’d cracked open again. That he would have to find his way out again like last time.

The floor had felt very real under his bare feet as he’d pulled the door open and entered the hallway. It meant nothing of course, that place in his head had felt real too, and the hallway of the hotel had had some of that surreal quality. Later he and Pam would equate this with the heavy effects of the drugs but for now it just made things more ambiguous for him.

His ears had picked up the sound of the struggle and his legs, possibly powered by the Soldier part of his mind, moved him quicker down it toward the elevator. He didn’t hear other doors open, or even noticed some of the others emerging from their own room. He was focused. _Steve…_ his other half kept repeating. _Danger. _

When he’d turned the corner, he saw the man had Steve pinned. That his head was bleeding and he seemed to be losing his breath in spite of his super-strength. Most likely another engineered super-soldier he would muse later, but right now all he saw was the red rage that filled both halves of his mind. The need to protect Steve, hard-wired into him since he was a kid, overrode any other thought and before he knew it, he had the man pinned against the wall, his feet off the ground, ready to choke the life out of him for laying hands on his punk like that.

But Steve’s words in his ear, warm breath tickling his, body pressed against his from behind, pulled both halves of him back from that anger enough to think rationally. And instead of squeezing his neck until his head popped off, he decided to get answers instead.

“What do you want?” He hissed in the man’s face, his metal fingers on the man’s throat on under his chin, threatening more pressure if necessary. “He sent you didn’t he?”

The man swore in Russian and glared back at him. “I don’t answer to you Soldat..”

“Oh I think you do.” He heard Tony say from not far away. “You see Barnes gets very… protective of his star-spangle man so you’d better talk.”

Bucky’s eyes didn’t even move from the guy, just kept glaring at him. “Answer me.”

His hand squeezed the neck to emphasized this and felt Steve hold him a little tighter as if to calm him. He was still shaking all over, still seeing this prick with his hand on Steve’s neck, thinking of all the assholes that had beaten him up when he was younger and smaller. Just another bully and he hated those.

“You know he did Soldat.” The man said, and Bucky hated that term so much his hand actually flexed on his neck for a moment. “Wanted to make sure Captain Rogers got the message from yesterday.”

Bucky pinched his face, confused, not sure what this meant but it felt like a direct threat on Steve. And having a feeling Steve hadn’t told him everything, a seed planted in his head on this. He even felt Steve sort of hold him a little tighter, so he decided to just ask.

“What message?” He inquired, directing in both directions.

“Did you tell him Captain?” The man asked with a smirk over his shoulder “That tonight was not my first visit?”

This pissed off Bucky, who squeezed his throat, cutting off his words before he could say anything else. “You don’t get to talk to him asshole.” He growled and turned his head slightly. “What does he mean Steve?”

“I’ll tell you after Buck.” Steve said in his ear apologetically. “Let him go and let them take him okay?”

He felt a little pissed and was about to respond, finally coming most of the way out of his haze, when he felt another hand on his other shoulder. A warm, glowing one. “I got him.” He heard Wanda say in his other eye. “It’s alright.”

The combination of her and Steve’s presence was enough to get him to finally let go. Allowing Steve to gently push the metal arm down. The minute he let go, Wanda had him in her powerful red grip so Tony and Sam could subdue him and Bucky finally turned to Steve, seeing his bruised face and slightly dazed look. And the red marks on his neck, and forgot at least temporarily, of his momentary anger at him. All he could see was that battered kid he’d fallen in love with all those years ago. And like then, just wanted to take care of him.

“Dammit punk.” He said, his hands on Steve’s face. “I leave you alone for 5 minutes and you get your asse kicked again.”

Steve just smiled stupidly. “I had him on the ropes.”

Bucky just shook his head and pulled him closer, leaning their heads together. And then heard Pam’s voice, who’d come out behind Sam. “We should get him back to the room.” She told them, her hands on both their arms. “I want to check his head out.”

“Yeah.” Bucky agreed, putting his arm around Steve to help him. “I wouldn’t worry though, he ain’t got much brains left to damage.”

“You’re such a jerk.” Steve retorted, leaning against Bucky a bit as they walked. “You know that?”

Bucky just smiled and kissed his, seeing Pam watching this with amusement. “Of course I do.”

They got Steve out of the hallway and back into their room, where Bucky sat his ass down on the bed and let Pam look at his head and neck. He wanted to ask about what the guy meant but wanted to wait until they were alone. Didn’t want to start anything in front of Pam. And he was still worried at this point, watching as she did the thing with light, checking the pupils and asking him a few question. Bucky had been on the receiving of that treatment before himself, having had multiple concussions of his own as well. He leaned against the wall, with his arm crossed trying to get himself together now that things had calmed down a bit around him.

“Alright.” Pam said after a while, finishing up. “He does have a concussion fortunately for him it’s not a severe one, but I do want him get some rest.” She put some of her things away as she talked. “Fortunately it is off day right?”

Bucky nodded, they didn’t have to be at the Court today thankfully, so he could take care of Steve. And have a talk with him as well. They needed the day. “Yeah.” He told her, watching as she packed up. “We got the whole day.”

Pam turned from Steve to him and looked him over as well. “How about you?” She asked with concern. “Are you okay?”

“Other than scared shitless and pissed off you mean?” He said with a little sarcasm, looking pointedly at Steve. “I think so.”

“Well maybe you think you are but I still want to check you too.” She told him with some authority. “You just underwent a very stressful situation and I want to make sure you’re alright too.”

Bucky knew better than to argue with her and let her check his pulse and vitals too. And the truth was he was still keyed up and still felt slightly hazy from his quick awakening. So he sat down in the chair and let her check his vitals and temperature as well, both of which could indicate a potential issue he knew. Seizure or anxiety attack on the higher end and possible migraine on the lower end.

“Your blood pressure is a up a little but that’s understandable.” She observed. “The drug might be keeping it down though to some degrees.” She shined that light in his eyes. “Pupils are still a little large, did you feel dizzy at all? Disorientated or strange.”

“A little.” He admitted. “Felt like I was walking in a dream for a bit there.”

“That’s a side-effect that can occur.” She informed him. “But you’re okay now right?”

“Yeah.” He told her. “Somewhat better now at least.”

“Alright well I want you two to try and take it easy for a little bit.” She answered, not pushing him the ambiguity of that answer. “I’m going leave you gus alone and let everyone know what’s up. If you guys need anything, I’ll be down the hall.”

He nodded to her and saw her out. And then after grabbing some ice from the freezer he went back over to Steve and handed it to him as he sat on the bed, looking chagrined. “How’s your head?”

“It’s been better.” Steve answered, putting the ice to his head. “Look Buck…”

“What was he talking about?” Bucky asked, without giving him time to gather himself. “What did he mean by message?”

Steve took a deep breath looked up at him under the ice-pack, which they’d brought along for Bucky’s migraines fortunately. “It’s in my bag.” He answered, nodding to the corner. “Front pocket.”

Bucky went to said bag and opened the pocked, finding an envelope, addressed to Steve. He opened and saw familiar handwriting, causing his fingers to shake minutely. And read the message inside.

_As him about our arraignment.. _ he read on the paper.

Flashes of being touched uncomfortably. Of being chained to a bed that bed and hurt again. Of a bloody knife in his hand. Of how he sold his soul for some food and a little comfort. Something he still hadn’t quite realized he never really had a choice in at all. The thought just made him feel dirty and unworthy again. Made him feel guilty. He wrapped his arms around himself as if he was cold. Or covering up. Maybe both.

“I didn’t want to tell you just yet.” Steve confessed, his eyes closed painfully. “You were under enough stress.”

“Was there another one?” Bucky asked trying to keep his voice even. “Earlier..” 

“Yeah.” Steve answered, reaching into his pocket. “I didn’t get a chance to read it.”

Bucky gave him a hard look, feeling angry again, for a variety of reason. “And you won’t.”

Unfolding the envelope for this one he saw the same writing. A message clearly directed to Steve yet again. To intimidate him. Maybe even torture him a little mentally. Unlike the one on the car, which was for him himself from a disgruntled person, this one had more of an insidious message. Like the other one Steve had gotten.

_Did you ask him yet? Did he tell you how the restraints were used? About how close we really were? That he never complained until that unfortunate last time? I’ll bet he didn’t and maybe you should wonder why.._

Bucky’s hands gripped the paper, wanted to rip it up like he had the last one. To burn it because it felt dirty in his hands like an oily snake. There was no way in hell he would ever let Steve read this. The Colonel was trying to mess with him through Steve and had hoped to incite him to violence, and might have succeeded if Steve hadn’t acted before reading it. That piece of shit. Wishing he’d killed him in that tunnel now. Or even back then like he’d done the others who’d hurt him.

“What does it say?” Steve asked, looking at him with trepidation.

“You don’t wanna know.” He said bitterly, folding it up again. “He’s trying to fuck with you, and I won’t let him.”

He then tore it up into little pieces right in front of Steve and threw it in the trash. Wanting to do the same to the other one, to light them both on fire as if to cleanse the room of their horrible existence. Steve watched him do this, looking a bit upset about it, but not stopping him either.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it.” Steve apologized again. “I didn’t-“

“If you wanna ask me about it.” Bucky cut in, not letting him finish. “Do it now.”

“Bucky you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.”

He walked over to where Steve was sitting and stepped between his legs, putting his hands on his head, tracing the cut on his scalp and biting his lips as he did. He could feel Steve’s arms around him, steadying him as he stood there, remembering those hands around his throat again and the fear and anger at how close he’d come to losing him again, understanding how Steve had felt all this time. He realized at that moment he wanted nothing between them anymore. It was time come clean the rest of the way.

“Maybe I do.” He answered, his hands in Steve’s hair now. “The more I keep secret the more power he has over us both.” He took a dep breath and looked in his eyes. “So ask me and tell you rest of it.”

Steve wrapped his arms around him tighter and seemed to gather himself as well. “What was the arraignment Buck?”

Bucky took a deep breath and let Steve pull him onto his lap. “It’s the deal I made with him.” He admitted, picking up the icepack and holding to the bruise on Steve’s head. “It’s why I feel so guilty. Why it won’t go away.”

\--

Steve could see that guilt in Bucky’s very clearly, the sense that he’d done something wrong. That he’d had a choice at all. He thought he did at least. And Steve knew no matter what Bucky told him here, he’d had none whatsoever. They’d taken his choices away when they took him prisoner.

“Tell me why you’re guilty?” He asked, hand rubbing his back comfortingly. “Explain it to me.”

“It was after.. after I’d killed the others.” Bucky answered, seeming to concentrate on Steve’s head, which did ache he had to admit. “He.. the Colonel, he came in and offered me a bargain.. that they’d stop hurting me if I just cooperated and..” He bit his lip as he adjusted the pack on Steve’s . “I wouldn’t have to stay in that room all the time.. maybe I could eat.. have some clothes.. have a.. bed to sleep in instead of the floor.” He looked down at that point as if ashamed and Steve could he clearly was. “I was… so tired of fighting.. so tired I just..”

Steve reached a hand up and put it on Bucky’s neck, fingers on his undone hair. “You agreed to it.”

Bucky nodded, chewing on his lower lip in that nervous way. “That’s why I’m guilty.” He explained. “I was willing to sacrifice my soul for a little comfort.. so they’d stop… hurting me. So who was to blame for what came after right?”

“You weren’t to blame.” Steve said adamantly, gripping his hair on the back of his neck. “You hear me? That was not a real choice.”

“Then why does it feel like this Steve?” Bucky asked, that guilt still showing. “People keep saying I didn’t but.. I can’t stop feeling it.”

He saw Bucky’s pinched look as he said then, and remembered those strange utterances Bucky had made sometimes, about sleeping next to him. Of how he’d lied. And the question still hung in his mind like a weight. He didn’t want to ask him, not wanting to open the wound again. And he wasn’t sure he would want the answer if he did ask. Bucky had been somewhat vague about it the last time the subject had been broached. so decided to ask as carefully as possible.

“There was a catch to that deal wasn’t there?” He did ask with a lot of care. “Not just cooperation but, he wanted something in return for it, didn’t he?”

Bucky’s eyes got dark and guarded and Steve saw the presence of the Soldier in them. Usually when something was difficult for Buck to talk about or deal with, the Soldier often took over. It was his job after all, to protect Bucky from the worst of it. This was certainly one of those occasions.

“He lied.” The Solder answered, a bitter edge in his voice. “He said he wouldn’t hurt us anymore.. but he did.”

“What did he do?” Steve asked, holding him a little closer. “How did he hurt you?”

“We did everything he said, learned everything we were supposed to.” The Soldier explained, in a calm voice slightly laced with anger. “We let him touch us.. and did that thing that Bucky hates because that didn’t hurt.. it didn’t feel good but it didn’t hurt like before.” His face crinkled a little like he tasted something bad and then titled his head to look at Steve in a strangely loving way. “We still like doing that better with you though because we love you and we don’t get sick after.”

Steve felt inward rage he didn’t show on his face, knowing what the Soldier meant. He just smiled at little at that, knowing it was Bucky, but it wasn’t at the same time. That fact that he still lapsed into this, by choice now instead of involuntarily like before, was both painful but was also in some ways weirdly endearing too. He’d long since accepted this part of Bucky’s personality as something he was never going to completely get rid of and didn’t really want him to. The Soldier was part of him, and he loved him too.

He let his hand stroke his hair softly. “What else did he do?”

“He made us sleep in the bed with him.” The Soldier explained, trailing a metal finger over Steve’s face. “He always kept us chained up though.. he didn’t want what happened before to happen again.” He actually smiled a little. “He wasn’t that stupid.”

“Did he.. do anything else?”

The Soldier titled his head, pulling back the icepack to inspect Steve’s head. “Only when he drank.” He stated in an absent way. “That’s when he hurt us again.. and then..” There was almost a please look on the Soldier’s face now. “We hurt him, we made him bleed.”

Steve already knew what he meant by that answer and had to admit he felt a little pleasure at that too. That he’d maimed that bastard. He wished he’d had that information when he’d met with him in the hosptial. Oh yes he did.

“I’m glad you did.” Steve told him, hand deeper in his hair now. “He got what he deserved.”

The Soldier’s fingers slid over his neck, touching the marks that were still there. He could see both of them in his eyes as he stared at this. “He did.” He agreed, seeming to lean closer. “Only Steve can do those thing with us.. we know that now.”

His lips met Steve’s, the metal fingers softly on his throat. A hand that had originally been built to break necks was softly caressing Steve’s with reverence. He let his fingers dig into that beautiful brown hair and parted his lips with his own, the flesh hand gripping his shirt as he leaned more into him. And in that moment his head didn’t ache at all.

“Steve..” Both the Soldier and Bucky whispered against his lips at the same time. “We love our Steve.”

“I love you too.” He breathed back, getting a better grip on his hair. “My Soldier.. my Bucky..”

He still felt dizzy again and let himself be pushed onto his back on the bed gently. Felt those lips pull away from his and begin to kiss his bruised neck tenderly, all the while pushing his shirt up with his hands. Steve closed his eyes, letting out a soft moan at the feel of this. Of the gentle care.

“Let us take care of you now.” He heard Bucky’s voice, muffled against his neck. “Please.”

Steve was not about to argue. His head was swimming and the idea of sitting up and doing anything at that moment was ridiculous. He let Bucky pushed his shirt up and then gently pull it over his head before resuming his tender attention to his neck. He got himself a good handful of Bucky’s hair and just let him take care of him.

Rising back up those lips found his again and that metal hand reached inside his shorts and began stroking him softly, bringing his body to life even if his head wasn’t cooperating. That hand, it just.. felt incredible when he used it like that. There was something about that strangely warm metal and the way the segmented fingers moved around him, with a controlled strength and strange softness at the same time.

Bucky pulled his lips away and moved them over his chest and stomach, and pressed his face into it, his hand still working its insane magic on him. “He made us do this with him… and we didn’t want to.” He said in a voice that sounded like the Soldier. “But with you… we do.”

And then that warm mouth encircled him, and he couldn’t think of a response to that statement. He didn’t even know if this was the Soldier, or Bucky, or both. Didn’t matter. All he could think of was how fucking ridiculous it felt. The way his tongue and lips moved as took him in. The way those metal fingers slid down and slipped into him so sweetly. His body nearly rose but Bucky’s other hand pressed into his stomach as if to say ‘stay still’ and Steve let himself obey that gentle command, his fingers flexing tightly in Bucky’s hair instead.

He was so good at this. Always had been.

Those fingers were thrusting in now, rubbing that delicious spot as they fucked him gently. As his hot mouth worked him deeper as well, moaning as he did, causing a vibration Steve could feel throughout his entire body. He knew wasn’t going to be long before he came, and came hard, but still also felt that gently pressure from Bucky’s flesh hand, keeping him down on the bed as he did.

He came beautifully at the loving hands of his one and only true love.

His eyes were shut, breathing hard as Bucky finished up with both ends of it before finally letting him go and withdrawing his fingers as well, causing Steve to audibly gasp at that sensation. And then he felt the icepack on his head again, and those lips against his neck tenderly as Bucky curled up next to him on the bed. Steve let his arm limply wrap around him, letting his fingers pull up a part of the shirt Bucky was wearing, touching that warm skin as the other man continued to nuzzle his neck.

“Feel better?” He asked Steve, his breath tickling Steve’s tender neck.

“Lost better.” Steve agreed breathlessly. “Head doesn’t hurt at all anymore.”

He felt Bucky’s lips curl into a smile against his neck. “Good.”

He lay there for a bit, trying to catch his breath, and turned slightly, still allowing Bucky to keep the icepack on his head as he did. He lifted his arm and traced his fingers over the side of Bucky’s face tenderly himself, feeling the intense wave of love and protectiveness toward him again.

“It as never your fault.” He said softly, tilting his chin to look in his eyes. “None of it you hear me?”

“I hear you punk.” Bucky answered, his teal blue eyes showing some pain as he stared back at him. “I’m just a stubborn bastard when it comes to forgiving myself that’s all.”

Steve smiled and nuzzled his face. “Don’t I know it.”

“He tried to hurt you.” Bucky said angrily, wrapping his metal arm around his back. “Tried to hurt me by hurting you.. “ His face seemed to pinch a little. “Because he never truly had me this way…” His eyes got dark. “Never.”

He knew it was true. Kovalev was trying to hurt Bucky the only way he could now, by coming after him instead. Whether it was through insinuating letters, or direct physical threat it didn’t matter. It was all about punishing Bucky for going against him and Hydra. He wasn’t going to get away with that if had anything to say about it.

“I now Buck.” He whispered as they pressed their faces together. “I know.”

That metal hand slid into his hair and he was pulled into a soft kiss again. The taste of his lips was exquisite he pulled him closer, wanting him all over again. Not caring that he had a concussion. All he wanted to do was make love to him all day until they both just passed out from exhaustion.

But he also felt cautious too. Not for his own health but about Bucky’s mental health right now too. Wanted to make sure he was okay as well.

“Bucky?” He asked, pulling his lips away and laying him partially on his back. “What did he do when he was drunk?” He put his hand on his face and carefully watched his face. “Tell me.. it’s okay.”

Bucky bit his lip, a dark shadow crossing his face. “I was in training he staggered in and just tossed that chain around my neck and just…drag me back to his quarters.” Bucky said in a monotone voice. “I remember I couldn’t breath.. and he’d.. shackled me to bed and.. I think you can figure out the rest.”

Steve just nodded, expecting something like that to be honest. Bucky had never said outright that that had happened, had only hinted at it. Hell it had taken him a long time to admit the other aspects of the abuse, why should he have been surprised it went that far as well. His hand flexed on the blanket, wishing it was around that assholes neck, or any of their necks actually. There were a lot of guilty parties there, but not all of them were available these days.

“It’s why we grabbed the knife and.. mutilated him.” Bucky continued, channeling the Soldier again. “Because he said he wouldn’t hurt us like the other one.. he lied.… because that hurt a lot.”

He just wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head and pulled him against to hold him for a moment. He had no words he could say, nothing that could cover it really. Not only had that bastard thrown a sadist to Bucky to break him, but then used the Soldier’s desire to obey and please and used it to hurt him too. And Bucky was gong to have to say all of this out in the open on the stand. In his mind, Bucky was the bravest person he’d ever known.

“I’m sorry Buck.” He said into his hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” Bucky said against his neck. “You did do it punk… stop fucking apologizing.”

“I will when you stop blaming yourself jerk.” He retorted. “We both got something to work on don’t we?”

He pulled his lips to his and kissed him again, even more fiercely this time as he turned him more on his back. The confession just made him even more sure he wanted to make love even more now. To make him forget all about that horrible memory and remind him that he was loved and cherished. Both parts of him were.

“Don’t even think about it dumbass.” Bucky protested against his lips. “You have a goddamn concussions…”

Steve smiled against his lips and began the process of removing Bucky’s shorts. “Well I have it on good authority that I never do what’s right for me so..” He bent to take his lips again as he tugged off his shorts. “So why would I start now?”

Bucky seemed to whimper slightly as he was kissed deeply again, his lower half now lacking clothes. “You are so stupid punk.” He breathed, his eyes fluttering shut. “So fucking stupid..” He was saying this even as his leg was wrapping around Steve’s hip. “So help me god… if you hurt yourself fucking me I’ll…”

But he didn’t finish the word. It dissolved into a drawn out moan as Steve slid himself inside him. Steve watched his eyes roll back in his head and smiled as he gave into it. Gripping his hips, he began to move against him, slowly at first but with a promise for more to come.

He didn’t care about his head. Not in the slightest. This was all that mattered to him right now.

\--

The confession had been draining emotionally, but it had also seemed to throw a big weight off him as well to admit that to Steve as well. Even though he was worried about Steve’s concussion, he had really only given token protest to this. He could admit to himself that he still wanted Steve’s hands on his body and his lips on his. Wanted to feel him back inside him to remind him that past was the past. That he wasn’t being hurt anymore. That he was still loved. So he gave up the fight for now.

His legs were tightly wrapped around Steve’s hips, pushing back against him with the same enthusiasm as he was given, moaning loudly as he did. Hearing the bed frame hit the wall as they made love with wild abandon. His metal fingers digging into Steve’s necks, other hand clawing at his back with no reservation at all.

There was nothing in the world that felt like this. Nothing that came close.

The Winter Soldier agreed, enjoying this as well, his recollection was 20/20 now and he’d understood that even when those men weren’t hurting him a physical way, they were actually still hurting him. Because with Steve, this felt good and right. He didn’t feel strange and dirty like he had then. Steve was good and he loved him. He and Bucky both did. And they willingly shared the experience with each other during it all.

Bucky would think later, when he cold that was, that the Winter Soldier’s understanding had framed his own. Once he’d figured it out, after they’d merged and he got to participate in this, that this was how it was supposed to feel, was when Bucky started to understand it too, started to truly see it. They were after all, the same person. This was a revelation when he’d started working through it in therapy, and the fact that Winter Soldier had opened up to Steve first had given Bucky the courage to do it himself, should not have been surprising.

It was so deep, so hard, so passionate now and Steve had taken Bucky’s hands and pulled them up to grab onto the headboard as they reached new heights of passion. As he was pounded until he couldn’t think coherently anymore. Until he came not once, but twice in succession before Steve finally did.

At this point Bucky let go of the headboard and they both collapsed into the bed. Steve’s body lay on Bucky’s and he wrapped him up in his arm, kissing his blonde head right above the bruise on it. He buried his face that same blonde hair and laid just like that, with one of his legs still wrapped around Steve’s hip, still intimately connected, at least for the moment.

“We love you.” Bucky gasped, stroking his hair as lapsing into that Winter Soldier sentiment unconsciously. “Our Steve.”

He felt Steve nuzzle his neck, on of his hand resting on Bucky’s hip and rubbing it sweetly. “Oh Soldier.” He said breathlessly in return. “I love you too.”

Bucky didn’t mind Steve calling him that. It was sweet actually. Way better than Solda that was for sure. And he was the Soldier as well as Bucky and he’d been learning to accept that. To truly accept both parts of himself and appreciate what made him what he was. Even if it hurt sometimes.

“How’s your head punk?” He asked after a few minutes. “Now that you’ve shook your brains up all over again that is.”

“Head feels fine.” Steve answered as he sucked a new mark onto Bucky’s neck. “In fact.. I’m feeling no pain at all.”

Bucky smiled at that, shifting slightly under his body and getting a pleasant little shiver as a result. “No brain no pain.” He told him, nuzzling his hair. “You’re lucky you’re cute Rogers, cause you drive me crazy sometimes.”

Steve chuckled and finally moved off him, pulling him into his arms and laid down on his back. Bucky let his eyes flutter shut, thinking it had been a long ass day already and it was barely noon. Thinking he might fall asleep again, without the aid of medication this time. So he yawned and nuzzled his face into Steve’s chest preparing to do just that.

“I should probably get you something to eat but…” Steve mused as he played with Bucky’s hair. “You’re not gonna let me get up are you?”

“Nope.” Bucky answered, tightening his arm around Steve and wrapping a leg around him too. “You’re trapped Captain deal with it.”

“We gotta eat ou know?”

“I’ll call room service later.” Bucky told him, nipping his shoulder playfully. “But your ass is not leaving this bed until I say so punk and that is not negotiable.”

He bit into his shoulder a little more to emphasize this. Steve, in spite of his amazing bedroom acrobatics, still had a concussion and Bucky meant to keep him right there until he deemed him ready to leave. Some things might’ve changed, but Bucky’s need to protect his punk hadn’t. He’d been hurt and it was his turn to be taken care of him now.

“Okay jerk if you insist.” Steve said, relenting a little, all the while letting his hand wander south. “But can I least you know… help you out?”

Bucky knew what he meant and loved when he did that. Loved the way he took care of him after they had enthusiastic relations. There was something so sweet and special about that caretaking. It had really been what had in some ways, brought him back to life.

“Well if you insist punk.” He answered, parting his legs invitingly. “But if you try to get out of bed I’m wrapping my thighs around your neck until you can’t breathe.” He grinned at him with hooded eyes. “And you know I can do it.”

Steve rolled him on his back again with a grin of his own. “Don’t threaten me with a good Sergeant.”

Bucky had a smart retort line up for that but lost his train of thought the minute Steve put his legs over his shoulders and began another sweet assault on his body with his lips and tongue. But Bucky was sensible enough to make damn sure his ankles were locked around his punk’s neck just to make sure he knew the score.

“You’re my prisoner Captain America.” He breathed, gripping the sheets underneath him. “And you will find escape is impossible.”

Steve pulled his mouth away for just a second to answer. “Why would I ever want to?”

And then proceeded to feast on him again, hands gripping his hips, stubble tickling him in some very sensitive places as well. And those ankles stayed locked where they were, even as his body rose against him, his metal hand pulling that blonde hair as the other gripped the sheets under him. Whining deep in his throat as it again, overriding his senses yet again. It crashed through him and he fell heavily against the bed again, breathing hard as he did.

Bucky then yanked Steve up gently by his hair and clamped his arms and legs around him again, making good on his word to keep him a willing prisoner for the time being.

“Don’t you go anywhere punk.” He growled into his neck, claws digging into his back again. “Don’t you dare..”

\--

Bucky had ordered some food for them, not even letting Steve get up now, which was irritating but had it perks. Namely watching that gorgeous body climb over him on several occasions. Watching the way his chest muscles stretched as he’d reach over him for the phone was quite the pleasant sight. As well as watching him pull on a pair of shorts to answer the door.

“I hate that we have to put clothes on sometimes.” Steve said after a while of staring at him. “I mean..”

Bucky rolled his eyes cutely as he tied his hair back into a loose bun. “Just can’t get enough my ass can you Rogers?”

“Among other things.” Steve answered, giving him an appraising look, resting his head on his arm.

Bucky hadn’t been kidding about taking care of him though. He’d certainly made sure he stayed in bed. And Steve guessed that was the only real stipulation because he didn’t seem to object to what they did in bed as long as Steve was in it. He supposed he could live with that deal.

A lot of fun could be had in bed after all.

He’d gotten a phone call from Tony saying the man was currently being questioned, and being a bit of hardass, but was looking at some serious trouble if he didn’t give his boss up. Witness intimidation and assault. Told him he’d call him again if they got any information later.

“And for godsakes Cap, listen to Barnes and take it easy for now.”

At this point, Steve had his head propped up on the pillow, with Bucky sitting on his stomach feeding him some really good soup. He still felt a bit dizzy and slightly delirious if he tried to sit up for too long, hence the reason for the stomach sitting. But that had another side effect as well. It was quite bit of a turn-on to have those thighs straddling him, and he kept stroking them under under his shorts as he looked up at him while being fed.

“God you’re so beautiful.” He said with a heavy sigh. “How did I get so lucky.”

“Damned if know punk.” Bucky retorted, giving him some more soup. “For some reason I love your dumb, corny ass.”

He leaned over to give Steve more soup and that gave Steve the opportunity to slide his hands a little more inside Bucky’s shorts, pressing his fingers into his ass just a little. Remembering earlier, the way his skin had tasted as he pleasured him. It was causing a typical reaction in his body as a result. One he was sure Bucky was very much aware of considering where he was sitting at that very moment.

“You’re awful frisky for someone whose got a concussion.” He observed as if irritated, but he didn’t pull away either Steve noticed. “Guess I gotta keep an eye on you Rogers.”

Steve just smiled at him as Bucky put the spoon into his mouth. “You want me to stop?”

“I didn’t say that.” Was Bucky’s immediate answer.

He took it as an invitation to push his fingers further until they were slightly inside, stroking him gently. He saw those blue eyes flutter as he tried to concentrate on what he was doing, which was feeding Steve, who just watched him as he slurped the soup off the spoon. He slid his fingers in a little more and continued to tease him like that.

He felt overly possessive of him again. Like a need to constantly mark his territory in a sense. Steve didn’t know whether the concussion was aggravating this, or whether it was just a delayed reaction the confession earlier, but whatever it was he couldn’t keep his hands off him. And Bucky sure as hell didn’t seemed to mind. Even letting out a soft moan as he bent over to give him more soup.

“You’re gonna be the death of me punk.” He said in breathy voice. “I’m telling you right now, my cause of death is going to be too much of this..”

“I don’t her you complaining jerk.”

“I’m not.” Bucky told him, a little moan in his voice now. “I’m just sayin’.”

He let Bucky put the soup bowl down first before getting a hold of his hair with his free hand and pulling him down to kiss him. And got no resistance at all. He even heard Bucky whine into his mouth as he stroked him deeper and just held his lips to his. He could feel Bucky’s body spasm against his hand and knew he’d gotten him there and smiled into the kiss victoriously.

Yup he was just fine with staying in bed today that was sure.

Bucky laid down next to him, Steve’s hand still cupping his ass inside his shorts and seemed to doze a little next to him. Laying on his other arm he just watched, rubbing him under his shorts as he slept. Knowing he should as well but couldn’t. Not yet at least. He rubbed his face into that brown hair, smelling the familiar smell of him. Of his Bucky as he dozed next to him.

“You’re such a creepy hair smeller you know?” Bucky said after a bit, in a sort of half-asleep way. “What’s so great about my hair anyways?”

Steve finally pull his hand out of Bucky’s shorts and used to brush said hair. “It’s just another gorgeous aspect of you is all.”

“It does feel good when you do it that’s for sure.” Bucky replied, opening his eyes and smiling. “And when you pull it too.. I really like that a lot too.”

There had been a time when Steve wasn’t sure of that. Whether he should do it too hard or not. He knew Bucky’s hair was another way they’d haul him around and hurt him back then. The idea of it, of any of it was enough to make his jaw clench tightly. Those bastards. He’d love to get his hands on both of them, even the one who already dead. He wanted to send the Colonel to join him in hell as well.

“Well if you like it I’ll keep doing it.” Steve told him, combing his hair with his fingers. “Whatever you want.”

Bucky bit his lower lip again as if thinking of something painful. “You know I didn’t like it right?” He asked, his metal hand resting on Steve’s waist. “When they made me.. you know..”

“I know Buck.” Steve said softly, nuzzling his face. “They forced you do it… that’s why I’m so mad, because they had no goddamn right.”

“After he… I.. cut him up that’s when they decided to put him in the ice regularly.” Bucky explained, his eyes shifting away for a moment. “To shock him regularly. It was the only way they could control him. And make him forget.” He shifted in the bed, closing his eyes as he snuggled closer. “And he did… but.. any time they’d dress him for battle, when their hands got too close to certain parts of him he would just growl.. He didn’t know why at the time.” He smiled a little sadly, his fingers playing on Steve’s waist. “So they stayed pretty clear of the Soldier by then… Because they were afraid of him.”

Steve listened to him, remembering the way he was when he’d first found him. And when he’d first brought him home. You just couldn’t get too close, couldn’t touch him in certain places or he would growl and snap. Like a dog brutally trained to fight. It had taken him a long time to let people close to him again. Including Steve himself. And that had hurt to see. And the Soldier had taken even longer, his eyes constantly wary and mistrustful.

He rubbed his hip softly. “And now?”

“He likes when you touch him.” Bucky answered, smiling softly. “But only you… non one else.”

Bucky was still a bit touch phobic he knew. Only certain people could get close. A small select group. Steve supposed he’d always be like that to some degree, but knew he was a long way from the skittish thing he’d found in Romania all those years ago. And winning over the Soldier had certainly helped with that.

He could see him in his eyes now. The part of him that trusted few people. God he loved him too.

“I’m glad that I’m the exception Soldier.” He told him, speaking directly to that part of him.

Steve could see even more of a change of expression and knew that Bucky was letting that part of him have to the front a little more. He’d even told Steve more than once that he liked experiencing things through that part of himself. It was like a whole different experience sometimes.

Steve felt that metal arm reached up and touched his face softly again and pulled their faces together so their lips were a mere inch apart.

“We love Steve.” The Soldier whispered to him. “Because Steve doesn’t hurt us.”

It always made him emotional to hear those words. So pure and perfect. “I never will Soldier. Never.”

He kissed him softly then, pulling him onto him and slid those offending shorts off him again. And his own as well. Sitting up he pulled Bucky, or the Soldier, whichever one he was, onto his lap, and slowly slid back into him, his face buried into his neck. Steve could feel that metal hand in his hair, gripping it roughly as Steve buried his face in the scar tissue on his shoulder lovingly.

“Our Steve..” He could hear the voice of the Soldier moan as he sat above him. “Ours.”

“My Soldier… My Bucky..” Steve breathed into his shoulder, thrusting up into softly at first. “Mine..”

Unlike earlier this was slower, sweeter. True lovemaking at its finest. And Steve, when he’d lift his head to look up at him, he could see the Soldier plainly in his eyes. The feral part of Bucky that he’d won over. That loved him and would do absolutely anything for him. Had protected him in the hall earlier. And it just drove him forward. Driving the passion like a freight train that was gaining momentum.

He got a firm grip of his hair and crushed his lips to his again, hearing those whines of pleasure deep in his throat. Feeling the metal fingers dig first into his back and then into his neck with a sweet sting, causing their pace to quicken, making him to thrust up harder into him. The Soldier’s head fell back, exposing his neck as he cried out primally, his body responding in kind, pushing down just as hard, wanting more. And Steve was happy to give it to him. To give him everything he wanted and more. Pulling him down more onto him, spreading his knees further apart with his own to get deeper into him, and holding him on him as he did, and those fingers gripped him harder in response.

Steve gripped the Soldier’s hair then, pulling his head back even more, exposing his throat and putting a claiming mark right on it, hearing the cry that came from that, a beautiful, feral one that went through him deep into his soul. Those metal fingers dug in even harder as well, making their own mark on him as well, that stung in the most pleasant way possible.

It’s all it took really and he gripped his hips, pushing deep as possible into him before claiming his lips again. And felt him cum so beautifully as their lips locked together. Steve himself groaned and let himself go too. Nearly passing out at the strength of this orgasm.

Pulling his lips away he buried his face into the Soldier’s neck, feeling dizzy and tired again. Felt those arms wrap around his own neck and hold him to him. He let his hands run over his thighs, which were still straddling his as they sat there like that, with the covers pooled around their waist, with no desire to separate any time soon.

“What does it feel like?” He asked after a while, nuzzling his neck softly now. “When you’re him?”

He felt Bucky’s hands on his face and looked up into his eyes. He looked stunningly beautiful at that moment. Almost ethereal as he smiled down at him. “I don’t know how to describe it.” He answered, his thumbs rubbing Steve’s face lovingly. “It’s sweeter I guess.. more pure… like when we were kids you know?” He turned his face so there lips were touching again. “It’s just different..”

He trailed his hand over Bucky’s shoulder as he took this in. Absorbing it. Trying to form his own words in response to this. “I love both of you.” He whispered to him. “So damn much it hurts.”

“I know.” Bucky answered right before their lips met again. “You’ve always accepted us both and that’s why we love you too.”

He always would too. Loved the two broken halves that made up this beautiful whole in his arms. Remembering the day he thought he’d gone away forever and feeling the pain of the loss in his soul. He had fallen deeply in love with Soldier and Bucky had know that, felt it in him and had voluntarily brought him back, with no jealousy or reservation and Steve rejoiced in that deep in his soul.

Kissing him deeply again. Feeling those hands grip his face and let himself fall onto his back on the bed, well aware he still buried deeply inside him. Inside the Soldier, whose hands were now bracing himself on the bed.

Steve’s own hands grabbed back onto that sweet bottom of his, holding him to him, and willing himself to give him more. And did. He felt so much deep passion, and soul-crushing love for this part of Bucky that in spite of his exhaustion he was able to pump hard back up into him again as he griped his thighs hard, knowing he would visible marks on them.

It went on for a long, beautiful time, both of them repeating the same mantra to each other over and over again. _My Soldier… Our Steve…_ They went on until their bodies were exhausted and they collapsed into the bed, barely conscious but still touching and kissing sweetly as they lay there naked in each others arms. And eventually fell asleep, the Soldier curled up in his arms, purring like a sweet, contented kitten.

It was mid-afternoon now and it had started raining again, making a a sweet ambient noise, causing the low light to have a ripple effect on the window. And Steve finally slept too, deeply in sleep, his face buried in a mess of beautiful brown hair, hand wrapped around Bucky’s naked thigh almost possessively.

But it wasn’t completely restful. He was plagued by dreams. And not good ones. Especially the last one. Where he was searching for Bucky and could here the Colonel laughing as he did.

When he eventually did find them, it ended like it always did, with the bastard stroking Bucky’s hair and then snapping his fingers and Bucky pulling a knife out and slashing his own throat with it. The suicided protocol. And as he rushed to try and fruitlessly save his dying love, he could hear that laugh again. Sinister, evil, final.

_If I can’t have him Captain… no one will.._

That’s when he woke up in a cold sweat, the cat at his feet. And realized Bucky wasn’t there. Was he having another dream or was it real? The panic in his heart didn’t know the difference, all he could think of was the last vision of Bucky killing himself while that monster laughed and he lept out of bed to run to the door in full-on panic.

And that’s when he just about ran into Bucky, coming out of the bathroom. “Steve?” He asked, seeing the look in his eyes, even in the darkening room. “Are you okay?”

At the sight of him, alive and standing right in front him, looking confused, Steve just grabbed him and crushed him into his arms. Hugging him tightly and practically weeping into his shoulder. Bucky seemed to stand for a minute confused, before hugging him back.

“What is it?” He asked, putting his hands on his face to look at him.

“I had a dream again where I… watched you die..” He babbled to him, unable to control himself. “You… cut your throat and he was… laughing…”

Bucky gave him a soft look and embraced him again, cradling his head in his hand as he did. “I’m okay Steve.” He whispered to him as he held him. “It’s just a dream.”

“I won’t let him take you from me.” He continued to babble into Bucky’s shoulder. “I won’t.”

“I’m not going anywhere punk.” Bucky whispered in his ear. “Never again I swear.”

Steve just nodded into his shoulder, just letting Bucky comfort him now. Easing his aching head as best he could. Trying to get that bloody vision out of his head. It took awhile.

\--

He’d finally gotten Steve to sleep again, wrapping his arms around him and letting him tuck his head into his neck. They still hadn’t gotten dressed and unless someone was coming by they had no plans to. Steve was staying in bed today and if he had to keep him naked to do it he would.

And even now, Bucky could still feel the effects of their latest round. When he let the Soldier part of him take over and felt it through his eyes. It always intensified it when he shared the experience. He couldn’t put it properly into words when Steve asked, but in those moments he felt the most like himself when he it let happen, when he surrendered control completely, so completely accepting that primal part of himself.

It felt so basic, so pure and he loved the feeling so much. It made him feel free in a whole new way.

Bucky over the years had had a complicated relationship with the other half of himself, feeling wary, fearful, and even jealous of him. Because he knew on a deep level, that Steve had fallen very deeply in love with that part of him. He’d sensed in him, and seen the sadness when they’d merged and the Soldier had just become part of him, a voice in his head but with no real autonomy of his own anymore. And when he understood this, discussed it in therapy, he realized he’d missed him too. That he was still be selfish, and self-punishing in many ways by not allowing himself the full experience of him. By not truly accepting him the way he could.

So he had learned and mastered the ability to pull him out and let him take over, to have the reins and that had been freeing for him to do. His body wasn’t being taken over without his knowledge, he was willing giving over the control now. And started to fully appreciate the complexities of his own mind.

Amelia had helped him understand that while the Soldier had to become more like him, he also had to become more like the Soldier as well. To put himself in that headspace. And when he did, a whole different perspective had started to open up.

Casting his mind to their lovemaking, Bucky saw it through the Soldier’s eyes and it was so intense. So beautiful, causing him to close his eyes and relive it right then and there.

_Steve… the Soldier’s mind reeled as he pushed down against him, taking him deep and loving the feeling of it. Of the way Steve gripped his hair, pulling his head back and biting his throat. He felt that sense of belonging to someone but without the fear and subjugation. He spread his legs more, wanting to take him in as far as he could go, digging his fingers into Steve’s flesh himself, marking him as his own. _

_Grateful to Bucky for letting him have this sometimes. _

_He would do anything for Steve, anything at all. If he asked him to set the world on fire he would. If he asked him to take a bullet for him, he would happily take it. But not because he was afraid of him, afraid of the punishment that would happen if he didn’t, but because Steve actually asked him to do anything. All he’d wanted was his love and he now had it. He’d never been given so much and for so little in return._

_And When the intensity of the feeling rushed through him, that sweet incredible rush as their bodies clashed and their lips met, he fully understood why the Bucky part of him had fought so hard for so long. Understood that the pain had been worth it. Because this… this was his truth right here. _

_He’s our Steve.. He whispered to Bucky. Ours. Wanting to keep his legs wrapped around him forever and never let him go. He’d meant what he said when his hand was on the that mans throat. He would never go back. Ever. And would kill anyone who tried to take him back there. To take away his Steve._

Bucky felt the intensity of that love and loyalty in himself. Absorbed that feeling back into himself as well. He would always protect Steve until his dying breath he knew. The Soldier part of him would too.

They made a formidable team when it came to that. A strong, fearless one when they combined their efforts. That asshole this morning found that out the hard way Bucky thought and smiled to himself.

His thoughts then turned to the nightmare Steve had had. To the intimidation that the Colonel was trying on him. It pissed Bucky off in a way he hadn’t been pissed before. Murderously pissed. That that son of a bitch was messing with Steve, was trying to hurt him psychologically like this made him more determined that ever to nail him to the wall now.

It was at that moment that his phone rang. An unknown number. Normally he wouldn’t answer these, but he had a feeling about this and reached for it carefully as to not wake Steve. He clicked the answer button and the voice he expected to here spoke over the line.

“Did your Captain get my messages?”

Bucky seethed now at the smug tone in that voice. He would ask how he got the number, but it didn’t matter. It was the same way he’d gotten the information about where they were staying. “Not all of them.” He hissed into the phone. “I made sure of that.”

“Did he ask you Soldat?” The voice sneered back at him. “About us?”

“There was no us.” Bucky answered, his metal fingers clenching into a fist that he was careful to keep from Steve. “Only in your twisted mind maybe.”

“But did he ask you?” The Colonel asked, as if bored with that answer. “Because I know it was eating him up inside wasn’t it? Wondering what happened between us.”

Bucky ignored that last part, not giving him the satisfaction of reacting. “No.. I told him and guess what?” He asked, gripping the phone. “It didn’t change anything. We’ve been fucking all day long and he doesn’t have to get drunk and chain me to the bed to do it.” He smiled wickedly, still feeling that sweet soreness as he shifted in bed and added. “Because he’s a real man unlike you.”

He hated giving out that information, but he wanted to wheedle him with it too. Knowing it pissed him off that Steve could have him, have the Soldier any time he wanted. He wanted to play with Steve’s head, Bucky could play that game too. Knowing it was a bit dangerous, but he didn’t care. He wanted him to twist with it as he sat there alone wherever he was. 

That idea made him feel very empowered to be honest. Like he had the upper hand in this for once.

“I forgave you for your insolence.” The man hissed back, Bucky could hear the anger in his voice, which was satisfying as hell. “And when I get out of here, I will correct you for it.. teach you to behave again Soldat..”

Bucky hated that word and resisted the urge to scream into the phone. But knew that was exactly what he wanted. So he just took a deep breath before responding. “You’re never getting out.. and even if you do.. you won’t live long enough to even try.”

“Are you threatening me again Soldat?”

“I don’t have to.” Bucky replied with smugness in his own voice. “You’re already a marked man.”

He knew about Bratva but wasn’t going to let that on. Knowing that the bastard would likely be killed by them in prison long before he even tried to escape. He looked over at Steve, who was still sleeping next to him, blissfully unaware of this conversation. And there was no way he’d tell him about it. At least not right away.

“I got to you once I’ll get to you again.” The Colonel said with menace. “You and your… Captain..”

There was that fierce anger again, caused by protectiveness. “If you so much as breath in his direction again.. I will finish what I started with you.” He growled over the phone. “There is no place in world that will be safe from me.. nowhere I can’t get into.” He smiled to himself. “You taught me well remember?”

“Now that the Soldat I remember.” The man replied, sounding smug again, but Bucky could hear the tinge of fear in his voice. “You haven’t changed as much as you think you have.. you are and will always be a killer.” There was a pause and he added. “Our greatest accomplishment.”

As much as that statement simultaneously pissed him off and made him doubt himself, he held it in check. Remembering what Amelia had said yesterday. _You already won just by being here._

“You didn’t accomplish shit.” Bucky answered, ready to hang up now. “Seeing as how you’re in there and I’m out here, free and in bed with him… choke on that..”

And with that he not only hung up but turned off his phone as well. There was a record of the call on it, and he would show it to the prosecutor when they went back to court. Intimidating witnesses was a crime here too. H put the phone down on the table and laid back down next to Steve, watching him as he slept and trying to get that voice out of his head. The one that spoken in his ear and had often smelled of vodka. Of those hands on him, touching and stroking. Of being inside him unwantedly in several ways that still made him feel dirty to think about.

But then he thought about earlier. Of pleasuring Steve. Of making love several times. Of Steve’s hands and Steve’s lips on his body. His voice, soft yet commanding in his ear. Of Steve being inside him and how it had felt so good, so right. How it blew what the others had done to him out of the water.

He could still feel Steve all over him, there wasn’t a part of him he hadn’t had his hands or lips on, and it washed everything else away and made him feel clean again. Feel loved and protected that man’s words meant nothing to him now.

And he remembered that fear in his voice at one point too. And this thought caused a fundamental change in him at that moment. Right to his core. Like an epiphany of sorts.

“Who was on the phone?” Steve asked sleepily, wrapping an arm around Bucky’s waist and interrupting his thoughts.

“No one important.” Bucky told him, nuzzling his face with his. “Just a wrong number.”

This seemed to satisfy his punk and he went back to sleep, holding Bucky tightly. Never so tightly that he couldn’t leave if he wanted to, but tight enough to feel safe and secure. Bucky smiled and kissed Steve’s head, holding him close and let himself go back to sleep again for a little while, while the rain dropped steadily outside, and the cat curled up at their feet.

And when he woke up a bit later, he could feel a hand on his face and saw his favorite set of blue eyes looking at him. “Hey there gorgeous.” That voice said silkily to him with a smile on his face.

Bucky just smiled back and kissed him. “Hey you too.” He said softly, allowing himself to pulled into those now very strong arms as he was pulled deeper into the kiss, forgetting all about that phone call for a while.

He was Bucky and the Soldier, laying there with their Steve, and that was all that was important to him right now.

\--

Laying on his back, with Bucky on top of him as they kissed and touched, Steve thought these were some of his favorite moments. Just making out, hands touching with no real destination in mind. Like they used to do sometimes when they were younger and had time to themselves to explore each other. Not that they needed to now. They knew every inch of each other intimately. It was just because they wanted to now. Because they could never get enough.

Bucky’s lips were on his neck, almost soothing the minor injury he had there, as his body was draped over Steve’s. For his part Steve just trailed his fingers up and down Bucky’s back lazily. “So we are just gonna stay here huh?” He asked, letting a hand trail over the metal rivets on his arm. “All day and all night..”

“Uh huh.” Bucky said, lifting his head to look up at him. “Is that a problem Stevie?”

He loved when he called him that sometimes, and the look he got in his eyes when he did. “No really.” He answered, brushing a strand of hair away from Bucky’s face. “I like the company I got.”

Bucky just grinned and nuzzled his chest again cutely. There was something different in his eyes he’d noticed. An unburdened look. As if something had altered his mood in some fundamental way. Not a in a bad way either. And it seemed to Steve like every time he crossed some kind of milestone, he became even more beautiful if that was possible.

He watched as Bucky laid his head back down on his chest and began trailing those same metal fingers up and down Steve’s hip in a very languid way. He placed his hand on Bucky’s hair, playing with it. Thinking about his dream earlier, how scared he’d been for those few moment when he didn’t know where Bucky was. Feeling a shiver go through remembering that fear.

“Bucky?” He asked quietly. “Can I ask you something?”

He turned his head on Steve’s chest. “What?”

“Are you scared?” He asked, looking down at him. “About the trial.”

He watched as Bucky seemed to think for a moment before answering. “Yeah.” He said finally. “I am.. terrified actually.” He nuzzled Steve’s chest again. “Cause I’m gonna have to go up and there tell the entire fucking everything I’ve told you or Amelia.” He rested his chin back on his chest again. “And I don’t trust the world as much as I trust you.”

Steve smiled as he played with his hair a little more. Knowing that trust was still a hard thing for him. It had taken him this long to give full disclosure with Steve, and he wasn’t even sure he knew all of it. Steve knew there might be things Bucky was keeping to himself and would probably never talk about. But he was right, he would have to say a lot of very painful things once he got up on the stand and he hurt and feared for him and how this would affect him going forward. But he was also proud too. At how fare he’d come as well.

“You know it takes a lot of courage to do what you’re gonna do Buck.” He told him, lifting his chin to look him in the eyes. “It shows how strong you are and everyone is gonna see that for themselves.”

Bucky just nodded and buried his face more into Steve’s chest again, seeming to take a deep breath himself, his hands rest on Steve’s chest. “I’m only strong cause of you punk.” He said against Steve’s skin. “Cause you make me that way.”

“You gotta stop selling yourself short Buck.” Steve told him adamantly, tipping his chin back up to look at him. “You survived and you did that on your own.. I certainly didn’t help you there that was all you.”

Bucky seemed to contemplate this and then got up on his hands and knees over where Steve was laying. His hair was hanging in his face as he seemed to stare at Steve as if seeing him anew or something. Steve raised his hands and put them on his face, trying to read the thought process in his head at that moment and couldn’t quite figure it out.

“They tried to take you from me.” He said, lifting his metal hand and trailing it over his face and down his chest. “To make me forget you and they almost succeeded.” He seemed to get emotional. “It was the only reason I fought for so long.. for you… not for myself.”

He felt Bucky’s hands slide down his waist to his legs and push them apart, climbing in between them and he could sense, even feel the weight, and anticipation of something happening that hadn’t happened in a long time. And he wanted it to happen. But once again, he wanted to check first. To make sure he was trying okay about it.

“Bucky.” He whispered to him, the breathiness coming into his voice. “Are you sure?”

Leaning over Steve, Bucky positioned himself between Steve’s legs and braced his hands on either said of his head. “Yes.” He seemed to say with suriety. “I want everything back they took from me.” He lifted one of his hands and touched Steve’s face softly. “I don’t wanna be scared anymore.”

Moving his hands away he took a hold of Steve’s hips and pulled them to him, and Steve had a moment of memory of their first time, so long ago, the gentle way Bucky had done just this before they’d made love under the docks. The slight bit of fear in his eyes as he considered, hesitated a little even. Scared he might hurt him. Scared of a lot of things actually. And Steve had remembered what he himself had said to him then and found those same words now.

“Don’t be scared.” He whispered to Bucky, in the same tone he had then. “You won’t hurt me.”

He saw, or thought he saw, a pinch on Bucky’s face as if he remembered this too. And it seemed to steady him in a way. He took a deep breath and used his hands to open him a little first and slide his fingers in to stretch him a little first. It had been awhile after all. But Steve could’ve care less if it hurt or not. He ached for it, wanted to feel the feeling of Bucky inside him, to give him the control and show him just how much he trusted him too.

He put his hand on Bucky’s and looked in his eyes. “You don’t have to.” He told him softly. “I’m ready.”

Bucky seemed to stare at Steve a little longer, before removing his hand, putting his hands back on Steve’s hips and pull him to him. And for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, slowly slid inside him, carefully at first, as if not to hurt him. Steve moaned thickly at the feel of this, his head falling back, hand spasmodically reaching up and grabbing Bucky’s dog tags, pulling on them roughly.

Jesus fucking Christ he had no words to describe how good it felt. How right.

“You okay?” Bucky asked, concerned as he gave him time to adjust. “Does it.. hurt.?”

It did in a way, but in the best way possible. “No.” He told him, pulling him closer. “You feel perfect..” He looked into Bucky’s eyes, his own glazed with passion. “I’ve missed this so much.”

It seemed to be all Bucky needed to hear, and he grabbed onto Steve’s hips more, pushing in deeper and braced his arms back on the bed, and began to move, slowly at first, but picking up speed the more confidence he got. And for Steve, it was like full circle again, back to that beautiful day under the dock. It may have been a hotel room in a foreign country, but it still felt just as special.

“My Steve..” Bucky said in a breathy voice as he leaned over him. “Mine..”

Steve just smiled and wrapped his fingers around those tags, pulling his lips to his, and surrendering himself to him completely.

\--

The more he went on, the more confidence he got. And began to thrust harder into Steve’s body, wanting to claim in too, the way Steve had done with him so many time. He groaned at the feeling of being deep inside him again, of the way Steve’s hand had yanked his tags like that and found his hair and bunched it in his fingers before pulling on that too. Which caused Bucky to growl and push harder into him.

He was his. He belonged to him too. They would never take him away again. He’d kill them first.

“Bucky…” Steve moaned, his eyes rolling back. “More… please…”

He growled again and sat back on his knees, pulling Steve’s hips harder against him and groaning at the feel of this. Knowing he wasn’t hurting him, that he never would hurt him allowing him a freedom that he hadn’t allowed himself and he let it go, finally feeling like he was giving Steve everything he’d been given.

Harder and harder he went until he couldn’t go anymore, but he made Steve cum first, pounding until he felt him fall over the edge and then let himself go as well, feeling that completeness roll through him as his body leg go of it’s orgasm until he finally collapsed onto Steve’s body heavily, breathing hard into his neck.

He felt all kinds of emotional right now. And just wanted to stay like this as long as possible. But Steve tilted his chin up and just kissed him, and Bucky felt the tears pour out of his eyes as he did, but allowed Steve to take those hitching sobs into the kiss, his hand holding Bucky’s head to his until the hitching stopped.

“You didn’t hurt me.” Steve whispered against his lips. “It’s alright.”

“I just..” He answered, burying his face back into Steve’s neck. “I love you so much.”

He felt Steve wrap his arms around him, one of his legs still wrapped around Bucky’s, comforting him. “I love you too.” He said into his hair. “It’s okay.”

Once he’d finally calmed, he was able to look in his eyes and see the hazy pleasure in them. Didn’t see an ounce of fear at all. An ounce of real pain. Just joy and love. Just pure trust. And it filled him with a beautiful warmth. Made him feel he’d won something today. And later, long after the grueling trial, he would realize he had in fact done just that. Had taken another part of his life back.

He kissed Steve again, more fiercely this time, and there was no tears or pain in it, just pure joy and love. He smiled against his lips, relishing the feeling. “You know what punk?” He said as he pulled his lips away and looked into his eyes. “Just cause we did this doesn’t mean you can stop fucking me okay?” He rubbed his nose against his. “Cause I really like when you do just sayin’. “ 

“Don’t worry jerk.” Steve told him in return, turning him onto his back to smother him with another kiss. “I’ll never stop doing that..”

Bucky liked the new position he was in, it allowed him to rub Steve’s ass a little as he looked up at him. “Good.” He said to him, using his fingers to rub him softly. “Now let me take care of you some more.”

Steve was perfectly willing to allow this, and soon Bucky had him on his stomach and used his fingers, lips and tongue to soothe his punk the way he’d always done for him. He nuzzled his ass with his face and smiled against it, feeling so satisfied that he could take care of his man just as well as his man took care of him. Burying his face against him he continued to do it, unable to stop feasting on him now. Like an addict he just wanted more and more, his hands clutching those muscular hips as he did.

He brought him to another sweet climax and then laid down next to him, running his hand over his back an and just watching him with his baby blue eyes half lidded. God he loved him so much it hurt.

“Been a hell of day.” He observed, nuzzling his face into Steve’s shoulder, sort of half laying on his now. “Don’t you think?”

“Sure has.” Steve replied, smiling at him over his shoulder. “Didn’t start out so good but.. its ending well.”

Bucky picked up Steve’s left hand as he turned slightly and pressed it to his lips, pressed the ring Steve wore on his finger to his lips as well and held them there. He was his best friend, his lover, his husband. His goddamn soulmate and he felt that deep in his bones. No one was going to ever get in the middle of that again. He would annihilate anyone who tried.

That was his real truth. The whole of it. Right down to his core. He embraced it with both arms. And he felt stronger as a result. More determined than ever to protect it.

\--

Bucky had finally let him get out of bed, if only to sit on the chair and make a few phones calls. One of them for supper this time. The other was to get information from Tony. The guy had admitted loyalty to Kovalev it seemed but refused to name any more names. So he would be getting no special treatment.

“You still got one of the letters right?” He was asked. “We do need some direct evidence for intimidation.”

“Yeah just one though.” He confessed, looking the trash barrel. “Bucky kinda ripped up the other.”

As he hung up, he observed Bucky, laying on the bed on his stomach, writing in his journal. Still naked as the day he was born, legs stretched out but crossed behind him, firm ass practically glowing under the light.. His hair was pulled away from his face and his dog tags were swinging underneath him, occasionally touching the bed. Arya was laying next to him curled up, and he had this look of concentration on his face as he wrote, occasionally chewing on the end of the pen as he did.

It was just such a beautiful sight that he casually pulled out his sketchbook and drew it, and rather quickly too. It was amazing how easy it flowed when you were inspired. And especially, when his head didn’t hurt anymore.

“This better be for your private collection punk.” Bucky said after a while, causing Steve to look up from his drawing.

“Of course it is.” Steve answered, giving him a smile over the top of the sketchbook. “This is for my eyes only. Just like you boo bear.”

Bucky hooded his eyes, putting his pen down and leaning on his elbow. “Feels like a Titanic moment.” He mused. “Should play some Celine Dion to compete the mood.”

They had watched that movie on a bored night and both had confessed to enjoying it quite a bit for what Bucky thought initially was a chick flick. So the reference was cute and had an air of saneness to it considering the chaos that surrounded them sometimes.

Getting up, Steve walked over and sat down on the bed, right as Bucky closed his notebook, to show him the drawing. He still kept that private and that was fine with Steve. Bucky had a right to keep a few things to himself. He handed sketchpad to him and let him look at it while petting the cat, who was demanding attention now.

“You’re still good.” Bucky said with some awe in his voice. “You always were.. wish I could’ve afforded to send you to school for this when you were younger.”

“The world had different plans I guess.” Steve mused, watching Bucky’s eyes scan the drawing. “It usually does.”

Bucky put the sketchbook right next to his journal and turned on his side, taking Steve’s right hand, kissing his palm softly as he looked up at him with those beautiful teal colored eyes. “I should paint you in the nude.” He told him as he kissed each finger. “It would probably sell for like a billion because I mean.. look at you. You’re a goddamn work of art Rogers.”

“Am I now?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky confirmed and got up a little more to lean on his arm as he pulled Steve closer. “But I think I’ll just keep you to myself.” His lips brushed Steve’s teasingly. “I’m kinda selfish like that.”

He kissed him then and Steve let his hand slide over Bucky’s neck, to the chain of his dog tags, before wrapping his hand around them, feeling the cool metal and black rubber of the silencers around them. He then pulled his lips away and laid his head against his, eyes half closed as he turned the tags over in his hand.

“I am all yours Buck.” He whispered to him then. “I always have been.”

“And you were always beautiful to me punk.” Bucky replied, his metal hand brushing Steve’s hair. “Always.”

Steve remembered the painting Bucky had done of him as a kid, on the roof under the fireworks. It had been one of his favorites. He could see the love and adoration in every paint stroke. Knowing this had been a memory that Bucky had desperately held onto when the pain was at it worst, had filled him with emotion and still did now. And the knowledge that even at his old, sickly self, Bucky had loved him and held onto that.

And remembering earlier, how it had felt like it had back then. He could still feel the effects on his body even now. It caused him to pull Bucky into another kiss, one with even more oomph in it, wrapping his other arm around his waist as their tongues clashed hungrily yet again.

It might’ve led somewhere had their supper not shown up at that moment, causing him to reluctantly pull away from those luscious lips. “Hold that thought til later.” He said resignedly. “I’ll be right back.”

Supper consisted of some amazing chicken parm, and some sides. As well as tenders for Arya, who’d been very patient with them today and deserved a treat. Steve parked himself behind Bucky, with his back against the headboard, which they’d abused a bit today he thought to himself. Or more precisely the wall behind it. He and Bucky ate just like that, and he watched over his shoulder as Bucky fed Arya her tenders and the little cat mowed them down hungrily.

She still had a whole plate of cut up chicken she was devouring when Bucky pulled up his travel paint kit and sat it on his lap as he sat in Steve’s arms and begin to paint. And Steve loved watching him do this. To see him express himself in healthy ways. He couldn’t always tell what he was painting at first, usually started out in a swirl of colors before coalescing into a solid concept. It was sometimes fascinating to watch.

“Should have an art show for you sometime.” Steve suggested, nuzzling Bucky’s shoulder. “So people can see how good you are.”

“I dunno punk.” Bucky said, tossing that errant strand of hair out of his eyes. “A lot of it’s kinda.. you know.. private.” He pinched his face a little. “And sometimes a little scary.”

“It’s art.” Steve told him, resting his chin on his shoulder. “It’s supposed to be personal.” He flattened his other hand on Bucky’s stomach and adjusted himself a bit. “And sometimes scary.. that’s the beauty of it.”

“I suppose so.” Bucky conceded, adding some color to the canvas. “I’ll think about it.”

Steve turned, removing his hand from Bucky’s waist for a moment to check his phone and realized he’d picked up Bucky’s instead. Usually when you moved it, the screen came on, but it didn’t. He thought it must’ve been dead.

“You need me to charge your phone?”

“Nah it’s fine.” Bucky answered absently. “I just turned it off that’s all.”

Steve narrowed his eyes a little, seeming to remember waking up and Bucky was on the phone. Something about a wrong number. “Why?” He asked, curiously, wondering if there was a correlation.

Looking over Bucky’s shoulder he saw a slight pause in his painting before he resumed. “I just didn’t want any interruptions.”

This didn’t feel like the complete truth, so he decided to press him just a tiny bit, see if he resisted or not. “Is that the only reason?”

He watched Bucky dip the brush in the paint and seem to start making some kind of shape in it now. “I didn’t want him to call me again.” He said simply, not even looking back. “I’m done with that shit.”

“Wait.. what?” Steve asked, even more confused now. “Who called you?”

“Him.” Bucky said as if this should be obvious. “Who else?

Steve was taken completely aback by this. That piece of shit had actually called Bucky? While he was sleeping to boot. He felt that anger rise in him again. That protective again that made him want that man apart. But he sensed something strange in Bucky, normally when something like that happened, he’d have a harder time hiding it. It usually caused anxiety. He didn’t see that this time. Just a strange calm.

“How did he get your number?” He asked, unable to think of anything else to ask.

“Same way he knew where we were staying I guess.” Bucky said in that strangely calm voice. “He’s former KGB and it’s not all that hard to hack into a cell phone.”

“What did he say to you?”

Bucky shrugged and continued painting. “The usual shit.” He replied. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Are you sure your okay?” Steve asked, just perplexed by this strange reaction

“I’m fine.” Bucky answered as he continued painting. “I just realized he didn’t scare me anymore.” He leaned forward to paint in a little detail. “He’s the one that’s scared now.”

Listening to this, Steve realized Bucky was right. The man wouldn’t be trying to intimate them if he was secure in his position. And the fact that Bucky knew this, understood it, and handled it without major repercussions for himself was just so wonderful. He was turning the tables on the people that hurt him and now they were the ones were scared of him. He suddenly couldn’t be prouder or more in awe of him at the moment.

And with that he realized what Bucky was painting as well. A painting of him, sitting in the chair drawing. There was detail of the bruise on his head barely covered by a blonde lock of hair. There was a softness to the painting too, no harsh edges at all. The feeling this brought up, along with the revelation, just filled him with emotion he could barely contain, and he buried his face Bucky’s shoulder for a moment.

Bucky seemed to sense this emotion in him and put his brush down before folding up his art tray and moving it off his lap. It took its place next to his notebook and Steve’s sketchbook on the bed next to them. He turned around on Steve’s lap and just embraced him, wrapping his hand on the back of his head like he did earlier.

“They can’t touch this Steve. Not anymore.” He whispered in his ear as he held him. “I won’t let them.”

Steve could feel the strength coming out of him now. A determination that was not just beautiful but also sexy as hell. He was once again, shedding his old skin and becoming even stronger and more beautiful than before. And he’d be tested over the next few weeks for sure, but Steve knew by the end of it, Bucky would come out even stronger. And he couldn’t wait to see that either.

Pulling his face away from his shoulder he just kissed him right then and there, and this time there would be no interruptions at all. Wrapping his arm around Bucky’s waist he turned him over onto his back on the bed and pressed his body into the mattress, fully intending another round.

“I forgot to tell you earlier.” He said against his lips, before pulling them away. “You kinda turned me on this morning when you grabbed him like that..”

“Did I now?” Bucky asked, looking up him with bright eyes and swollen lips. “Do tell.”

He ran his lips over his neck , nipping it softly. “I like when you get protective of me boo bear.” He told him with a soft growl in his voice. “It’s so fucking sexy.”

“Well..” Bucky answered, his eyes hooded seductively. “No one fucks you but me.” His eyes twinkled in a familiar way that stirred Steve deep in his soul. “It brings out the Soldier in me.”

Hearing that, Steve moved his lips over that mark he’d made earlier, when he and the Soldier had made love for what seemed like an hour. He wrapped his lips around that mark again, sinking his teeth into hungrily remembering this, and heard Bucky whine and grip his hair tightly.

“I like when he comes out.” He murmured against Bucky’s neck, continuing to improve that claiming mark.

“I know..” Bucky gasped, his chest heaving against Steve’s. “I know how much you want him… and love him.” He pulled Steve’s hair to lift his head from his neck. “I know and it’s okay with me.”

Steve looked at him, seeing that acceptance in his eyes. The approval. The desire to give him everything he wanted as well. “It is?”

“Yeah it is..” Bucky told him, his eyes shifting and changing. “Because he’s me and I’m him, and we both love you so much.”

Reaching up with a trembling hand Steve touched his face, looking into those perfect eyes. “I love you so damn much too.” He declared, grinding his hips softly against him. “Both of you.”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to sparkle as Steve looked up at him and he felt that metal hand grip his hair hair even tighter, pulling him into yet another passionate kiss, his other hand pushing down the shorts Steve had put on off as he grabbed his ass aggressively.

“Now we want you naked and inside us punk.” Bucky growled against his lips, metal fingers digging into his neck deliciously.. “Right now.”

Both commands were answered in rather quick succession.

They made more dents in the wall as Steve pounded into Bucky, into his Soldier, for they were one and the same, relentlessly yet again, gaining more marks and scratches himself as a result. Once again letting the intensity of his love for them both just flow through his body with this new, wild abandon they both had.

He was his Soldier, his Bucky. He was deeply in love with them both and he didn’t have to hold back those feelings anymore. He simply grabbed onto him and showed him yet again.

Afterwards they lay curled up under the covers, Bucky sleeping peacefully in his arms, the cat curled at the feet, happily sated with food herself. Steve let himself close his eyes and relax. Knowing that starting tomorrow it would be a circus around them. That it would be stressful and unpleasant on occasion. But after today he felt more prepared for it. And he felt like Bucky was too.

And that thought, he allowed himself to sleep as well. Deeply and peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright lets get into this one shall we? 
> 
> First off, the asshole that attacked Steve in the hallway wasn't counting on Bucky in Winter Solider was he? Who would? Bucky was pretty drugged by the end of the last chapter and his loss of inhibition had to do with that, but mostly because of the direct threat to Steve and that was really what propelled him to some violence here. Steve being under threat is one of the few things that will make him dangerous these days. And this threat and it's fallout is really what dominated this chapter in a lot of ways. It was a catalyst for several things here. 
> 
> The rest of the story of his abuse, which has been slowly rolled out over these two stories, was to me essential for him to finally confess to Steve. Bucky has realized that the more he keeps from Steve, the more control Hydra and the Colonel have over them as a result. So he tells him the rest, and you can guess it's pretty bad. I never go into heavy detail with sexual assault out of sensitivity to those who've suffered from it, i take that very seriously. I think most people can figure out what happened without graphic detail. But him telling Steve about this was very freeing in a sense, because it's the last big secret, one he'd hinted at before never really confirmed verbally. 
> 
> Bucky's ability to channel the Winter Soldier when he needs help is a development in this fic, he merged himself with him in the previous so he wouldn't be permanently split with him, but as you can see, he can now shift into that mode by choice now, learning how to use his minds skills to help himself. If something is too difficult to talk about, the Soldier takes over for him, because of his pragmatic nature he's able to talk about those things better than Bucky. This a gift his mind has given him and I really like developing that part of it, and he's gonna need him during the trial because he's gonna have to lay it all out to everyone. 
> 
> Speaking of the Soldier and Bucky transitioning into him, we come to the interesting stuff now don't we? As most of you know, I do have a considerable amount of smut in my fics, but I do try to give those scenes some context, so they are not completely gratuitous (although I have nothing against that personally cause it can be fun ;) ) and in this chapter, every one of them has context and purpose to the narrative. The one The ones during his painful confession are to show he is okay with these things now, that you can go through that and recover to have a (very) healthy sex life. That was the purpose for those. 
> 
> The scene in Bucky basically transforms into the Soldier to sex with Steve speaks for itself in my opinion and probably one my favorite ones I've written. How he feels when he does that and how he feels the most like himself then. Because the Soldier is the most basic, pure part of him, and letting himself be that intensifies the experience and frees him at the same time, by giving up control all together. And for Steve, well we knew that Steve loved and was attracted to the Soldier, but this shows you just how much. It allows Bucky to see just deeply in love he is with him and it causes a revelation for Bucky, an epiphany of sorts to really figure this out and truly accept it. And to be honest, the connection between Steve and the Soldier has been one of my favorite elements of these stories, it's so rich and complex because he's just another version of Bucky, but at the same time, sometimes he feels separate as well. And instead of people seeing this as strange or insane, it is accepted whole-heartedly by all those around him, but especially by Steve and i love that so much as a writer. 
> 
> The phone call the Colonel really shows Bucky that Amelia was right in saying that he's already won just by surviving and being where he is now. It, along with the letters sent to Steve, show that the tables have turned and that the former victim has the upper hand. Bucky basically brags to him about what he's doing with Steve because he knows it irks the Colonel. And he realizes in turn, that he's not scared of him anymore. 
> 
> And there is of course, the biggie, Bucky's first time topping since.. well a long time. It was that courage he got, that sense of confidence in himself that allowed him to take that step and sort of broaden his own sexuality as a result, and I considered this a very empowering moment that I was going to save for after the trail but I thought before it was better, because he needs that strength now more than ever. 
> 
> Anyways I know I said the trial would start in this chapter but you know me, it is, however starting in the next one and it will be intense in many ways, I hope you all enjoy it. I got this one out fast hopefully the next will come this quick too :)
> 
> Once again that you for all the comments I appreciate them greatly <3<3<3 to all of you *hugs*
> 
> (wow this was a long note lol)


	23. What Lies Within

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual.
> 
> This chapter, and possibly the next one, will contain some details of torture and abuse, just a warning because these have to be disclosed for trial purposes. Just a heads up is all :)

It was early in the morning and Bucky woke up, finding himself unable to go back to sleep. The sun was barely up, and it was frustrating as hell, because he needed his rest for today. It was the first day of court for him after all.

He was laying with Steve’s arms around him from behind, the cat sleeping on their feet this time. Shifting slightly as to not disturb her, he turned into Steve’s arms, burying his face into his neck, trying to make it as dark as possible, hoping maybe that would help him go back to sleep. He took a big inhale, smelling the distinct scent that was Steve, which comforted him down to his very core.

_Our Steve…_ he heard the Soldier whispered in his head. _Ours.._

He’d heard his voice more lately now that he was allowing him time on his own again. Steve had never asked him why this had changed. Why the attitude had changed even more toward this solid acceptance. Bucky was relieved it hadn’t come yet, because to be honest, while he knew why, he couldn’t quite formulate that accurately enough to explain it either.

He had been talking about it in therapy for months off and on and had come to the decision maybe a month or two ago that he wanted to allow this, now that he could control it more. And Amelia had nodded her and asked what had changed his mind on this. Why he’d switched gears from sharing to allowing almost full control again.

“I don’t know.” He told her, leaning forward, playing with his hands. “I think I feel guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty?”

He’d looked down at his hands at the time, searching for words that made sense. “It feels like I took something from Steve.” He’d finally said, almost a whisper, but one she could clearly hear. “Something he loved.. “

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I know that Steve was.. very much in love with him too.” He explained, still not looking up at her. “And that I was… and still am a little jealous of that.” He then finally looked up, meeting her eyes. “It made me feel selfish you know?”

“You still speak of him like he’s a separate person.” Amelia observed as she sat across from him.

“I know he’s me.” Bucky replied, shifting his eyes away again. “But sometimes I still feel that way and I think that..” He bit his lip as he looked out the window. “That we both still need him.”

He’d remembered she seemed to understand this in a strange way. His need to dive behind the Winter Soldier again. To not just protect himself but to give Steve something back as well. He knew Steve loved the Soldier deeply and that it had been hard to let him go. He could sense this in the soft look Steve got when the subject came up. With a hint of sadness. And Bucky had a pang at this similar to when they’d first merged. Like he’d killed him or something. And the last thing he’d wanted to do was to cause Steve pain like that. He’d already lost so much in his life it didn’t seem fair.

But it wasn’t just depriving Steve of something either. It was depriving the Soldier too. A very injured part of himself that he’d punished way too much in the early goings. He could feel the depth of the love for Steve in him too. He’d let him share in experiences but never really given him real time with Steve either. Still regulated him to passenger status, even after he’d protected him so much and taken so much abuse for him. They had lived through it all together and he’d just, well, felt ungrateful as well.

It made him feel all messed up inside as a result.

But he’d figured out how to bring him back in on his own. Remembering what he’d learned through his doctors and therapy, that he could put himself into hypnotic trances by concentrating hard. That he could let him out if he wanted to. So he decided to try it gradually, letting him take over a little at time. Experimenting here and there.

And then there was yesterday. When he let him have that full-on experience. To feel everything for himself instead of just being in the background. And it had felt so good to do for so many reasons. It felt freeing to surrender the control again and just be a passenger for a little while.

But he still had no real idea how to explain that to Steve. Just knew he’d probably do it again. When he needed to rest mentally. And speaking of that…

Bucky knew that, while he’d realized he wasn’t afraid of the Colonel anymore, the trial, which had already started, scared the shit out of him. Which was probably why he couldn’t sleep now. He took a deep, shuddering breath and snuggled against Steve a little more, and felt his arm wrap around him a little tighter.

“You okay?” Steve asked in a sleepy voice. “You’re shaking a little.”

“Yeah I’m fine.” He said, knowing he wasn’t really. “Just can’t get back to sleep.”

“You’re nervous.” Steve answered, as if reading his thoughts. “That’s why..”

Bucky scrunched his face, slightly annoyed by that insight. “I swear you’re psychic or something punk.” He told him, his voice muffled against his neck. “It’s kinda annoying you know?”

“I just know you that’s all.” Steve replied, nuzzling Bucky’s hair with his face. “No magic involved jerk.”

He just snuggled against Steve a little more and sighed, meshing his two thoughts together as he did. Deciding maybe he wanted to have this conversation. Wanted to continue the honesty. To keep communication open because things might get difficult soon.

“I might need him for this.” He said quietly into Steve’s neck. “The Soldier I mean.” He looked up into Steve’s eyes finally. “He’s got a bit more courage than I do about these things.”

Bucky saw that soft look in Steve’s eyes when he mentioned the Soldier and felt that pang again. That stupid little bit of lingering jealously. Of himself. He shook it off though because it didn’t matter. He’s was letting him back in now. Truly accepting him as a part of his and Steve’s relationship. Something that made it deeper and stronger he’d realized.

“Bucky you’re the strong one.” Steve told him, cupping his chin with his hand. “He’s part of you remember?”

“I know he is Steve.” Bucky said irritably. He’d heard this ad nauseam. “I’m saying that I need that part of me so don’t be surprised if I’m… him a lot lately that’s all.” He then kind of gave him a knowing look. “I thought you might like having him around too so there’s that..”

Steve actually kind of smiled at this a little, and that smile lowered the hackles in Bucky a little. “You know me too well too Buck.” Steve told him then, pressing his face to Bucky’s. “So denial is just a little pointless I’d say.”

“Yeah.” Bucky agreed, wrapping a hand around the back of Steve’s neck. “I know how you feel about him.” He took another heavy breath. “I’m not gonna deny him to you anymore because I love you that much and so does he.”

It felt good to admit it really. The reason behind the shift in perspective.

He tilted his head slightly, so his lips were touching Steve’s slightly. Ready to kiss but not quite yet. Because they weren’t done talking yet. There was a little more that needed saying. Once they started kissing each other they tended to forget rational thoughts.

“But this isn’t just about me Buck.” Steve told him softly, his fingers just under Bucky’s hair now. “If you need him to help you through this that’s what more important to me.”

“You’re gonna need him too.” Bucky countered, leaving his eyes open a little longer. “Cause this is gonna be rough.”

He felt Steve’s hand in his hair now, getting a soft grip on it. “Well you know me.” He told him, their lips getting a little closer. “I’m to dumb to run away from a fight.”

Bucky just smiled and let him kiss him then, a soft, sweet one that had the promise of being more if they let it. He let his hand grip Steve’s shirt, bunching in his hand the same way Steve’s hand had to his hair. Damn that felt good, that firm, slightly aggressive grip that he got. And he knew the Soldier in him liked it too. He liked it a lot.

This gave him an amusing, thought, causing him to pull back slightly for a moment. “You know the upside to this right?” He asked, and saw the questioning look in Steve’s eyes and smiled even more. “Our sex life is gonna be even more interesting now with him involved.”

He saw that look in Steve’s eyes and knew he was thinking that too. Not that their sex life wasn’t fabulous, but this, along with the other breakthrough yesterday, gave it some new, more intense dimensions. An idea Bucky had plans to experiment with more on multiple fronts.

“Now that’s something I’m looking forward to jerk.” Steve answered with that bit of huskiness in his voice. “It makes you..” He leaned in to kiss him again. “Twice as fucking hot to me..”

Bucky actually heard a little whine come out of him at that statement as his lips were taken in another searing kiss. Feeling himself turned onto his back and pressed into the mattress, Bucky remembered thinking they could find an upside in anything really, even his quirky, unstable mind.

“Speaking of being hot punk..” Bucky whispered against his lips. “Maybe you could help me get back to sleep..”

Steve was already way ahead of that because before the words even left Bucky’s lips, his hand was in his shorts, stroking him internally. Finding that place that always set him off like a rocket. “You mean like this?” Steve asked him, his lips finding that tender spot on his neck he’d attacked multiple times yesterday. “Is this what you’re talking about boo bear?”

“Uh huh..” Bucky moaned, gripping his shirt. “Like that..”

Steve then slid down under the covers, still stroking him as moved down between his legs. “Or maybe you mean like this…”

Bucky grabbed his hair under the covers as Steve started to pleasure him with his mouth and tongue now. Frontside first. Hot mouth wrapped around him and Bucky found himself grabbing onto the headboard with his flesh hand, his eyes rolling back in his head. Feeling the Soldier in his head, rising in reaction to this as well, causing him to yank on Steve’s hair with his metal hand as he emitted a low growl.

His punk was very, very good at this too.

“Yeah…” He gasped, his head rolling back on the pillow. “That’s.. exactly what I mean..”

By the time Steve was done with him, he’d felt pretty relaxed. Enough to finally fall back to sleep for a few hours, a soft smile on his face as he did. 

\--

Steve sat on the bed, just watching Bucky get dressed after his shower. Watching the way he pulled his pants, the way the muscles in his back moved, stretching the scar tissue on his shoulder as he pulled his shirt over his head. He could still see those muscles working as he tied his hair in that gorgeous bun Wanda had taught him how to do. The way those strands of hair always fell out and framed his face. Watched the way he pulled his tags absently out of his, letting them fall in the middle of his chest and just dangled there perfectly

The way his wedding ring on his metal hand reflected the light as it moved.

He was just so beautiful, so perfect. And all his. He just couldn’t take his eyes off him.

Thinking about what he’d said, about the Soldier and that he was letting him out more these days. And about how interesting that made things between them now. The acceptance of this duality adding a whole new layer to their relationship. And to their sex life as well, he recalled Bucky observing with that intrigued look in his eyes.

Which turned his thoughts to the day before. Of making love to the Winter Soldier and how raw it had been. How basic and primal. The depth of the feeling he’d felt in those moments. Especially when the Soldier silently asked for more as he rode him. The way he moaned his name. _Our Steve_…

It was another, beautiful part of Bucky that he was so in love with. And he’d felt such a relief at the knowledge that Bucky had accepted and let him back into their lives in a much more full way.

He saw Bucky turn to him as he pulled down a dark-blue, long-sleeved Henley over his white t-shirt. His blue eyes, that rare shade of teal, or aquamarine, or whatever you called it, sparkling with a new kind of life in spite of his obvious nervousness about the trial. There was a confidence in him now. A sort of determination that was beautiful to see.

“You keep looking at me like that punk we might never leave.”

Steve got up and walked over to him, pulling him up into his arms. “Would you complain if that happened?”

“Not at all.” Bucky answered, his eyes glinting a little. “It’s very tempting actually.”

It was. He looked, well, delectable as always. His skin was still slightly flushed from the shower and from earlier of course. Lips looking luscious and very kissable. Which he could not resist doing, but being very careful not mess his hair up his hair as he did, electing to put his arms around his waist this time.

Bucky had no such qualms about messing up Steve’s hair though, wrapping both his hands around the back of his head as they kissed just like that. He looked, smelled and tasted so good, it was so tempting to toss him back on the bed again and really mess that hair up, but they had somewhere to be.

“You ready?” He asked, pulling back and brushing some of that loose hair with his fingers.

“As I’ll ever be punk.” Bucky answered, a brave smile on his face. He then looked at Arya, who was curled up on the bed. “Sure it’s safe to leave her here.”

Steve smiled at that concern. After yesterday, safety was a concern and he knew Bucky was worried that someone might come in while they were gone. Steve had coordinated with Tony on security measures and they’d come up with a good solution. No one got on the elevator without a security check, not even staff.

“She’s got the best security there is Buck don’t worry.” He reassured him. “No one is getting up here.”

Bucky nodded and gave the little cat a good loving on, before standing up and sort of taking in a deep breath. “Okay then.” He then said and took Steve’s hand. “Let’s do this.”

He saw that hard look of determination in his face, shadows of the Soldier coming through as Bucky seemed to gear himself up to leave. It made him think of yesterday. Of his moments with that part of him and turned him to the conversation they’d had that morning. Glancing at the clock he realized they a few extra minutes and sort of stopped Bucky with his hand as he went to walk by.

“Just a minute.” He said, seeing Bucky’s curious look at this. “We got plenty of time don’t’ worry.” He turned to him face him again, putting his hands on his arms, feeling the cool of the metal one through his shirt as he did. “You said something earlier about needing him, like you were preparing me for something.” He searched Bucky’s eyes as he said this, seeing them shift slightly. “What are you preparing me for that I don’t already know about?”

Bucky’s got softer look for a moment, and Steve swore he could see a pinch of regret in his face. “I meant I might… go away for a little bit if it gets too rough.” He explained then, wrapping his hands around Steve’s arms. “Like I used to do bac then.”

Steve was a bit taken aback by this, by Bucky realizing what he’d meant then and now. That he may retreat into his own mind for protection. Which caused a double-edged sword of emotion in him. On the one hand, he’d see more of the Soldier and that filled his heart with anticipation, but on the other hand it meant that Bucky was retreating in a way from it all in an effort to protect himself.

“You don’t have to do that Buck.” He said softly to him, lifting his hands to his face. “You are safe now.”

“I know I am Steve.” Bucky answered, wrapping his arms more around Steve’s. “But I’m tired.. and I just.. might need to take a break in my head and just.. rest.”

Steve closed his eyes and pressed his lips to his head. “I know you are.”

“It’s how he came about in the first place to be honest.” Bucky told him, still looking down. “It hurt so much and I got.. tired of fighting so I let him have control. “ He then looked up as Steve pulled his lips away. “Amelia said it’s how I survived it.. and its why still need him… why I always will.”

Steve nodded, leaning his head against Bucky’s, thinking he was much stronger than he thought he was. That he ever gave himself credit for. He’d given all the credit to the Soldier part of him, but it had been him, all him, that had survived the horror and come out the other end on his own. He just wished he could understand that. But he accepted his explanation for now.

“Well if you go away, I hope you don’t go away long.” Steve told him, turning his face and nuzzling it against his. “Cause I don’t know if can make it without you.”

Bucky smiled, leaning more against him. “Yeah you’re still a bit of a dumbass.” He agreed. “But the Soldier won’t let anything happen to you either okay” His hands got a grip on the sleeves on Steve’s shirt and he looked straight into his eyes, from a half an inch apart. “If I have to go away that is.. it’s not etched in stone punk.”

Steve was so close to him, he could see the inflections of color in his teal blue eyes. The way the slight tinge of green colored the blue in such a way it was like looking at a tropical ocean reflecting a stormy sky. He heard the last sentence and the ‘if’ attached to it. Bucky wasn’t guaranteeing it was going to happen, was just warning him it could. And his eyes were saying he would try to hold on.

“We will both take care of you.” He heard him say, tone and inflection a mix of him and the Soldier at the same time. His real voice Steve thought. “Just like you take care of us.”

He felt his heart swell with love at that promise and closed the half an inch difference between their lips to kiss him again, right by the door now. His hand slid up, just under that perfectly crafted bun, not messing it up just touching it. He felt that metal hand tighten around his shoulder as his other arm pulled him closer, wanting to take his time with this one.

“We love you.” Bucky whispered against his lips, his current duality showing plainly. “Our Steve.” Those lips curved into a smile. “Our punk.”

Steve smiled as well, pressing his hand into his back, holding him tight to his body. “I love you too jerk.” He breathed himself. “My Soldier.”

Meaning both of them at the same time he realized. Bucky was the Soldier, and the Soldier was Bucky. His heart was with both of them, whichever one was present didn’t matter. So he took an extra moment to kiss them both breathless, taking one more moment before starting this next journey just outside the door.

\--

They sat in the courtroom as he entered, and while everyone else was glaring, Bucky didn’t even look at him. Refused to even acknowledge his presence. He just looked straightforward at the huge hall where the tribunal was taking place.

This was first day they were asked to be here. The tribunal had been going for several day s prior, but today was the first part of it that had directly to do with him. Where all the testimony related directly to his ordeal and time as the Winter Soldier. 

Instead of looking anywhere near the Colonel, he was looking at the stand he’d be on in a few days after the other witnesses were examined. Feeling that trepidation. But also feeling something else as well.

A new kind of courage coursing through his body as well. He could do this. He would do this. Both sides of him would do it together like they always had.

He looked at Steve, who, along with Wanda was giving the Colonel a look that could fry eggs. Bucky knew if that could kill he’d be dead times over. He didn’t bother to stop them, they do it for him. They could be as angry as they wanted, Bucky himself was concentrating on his inner self. Sorting through everything he’d been through, letting it come in order. He was concentrating so hard he barely noticed when everyone sat down. When he felt Steve’s hand in his flesh one, squeezing it tightly, and he looked up at him, meeting his eyes.

“You okay?” He asked, smiling softly at Bucky.

“Yeah.” Bucky told him honestly. “I think I am.”

The first witness today was Pam, followed by Amelia, who would both be discussing his physical and mental ailments resulting from his abuse and torture at the hands of his captors. As well his current state of health. It was important for them to lay out what he was suffering with and how it affected him and would like always do so. Bucky had given them clearance to talk about what needed to be talked about, but both assured that anything personal was privileged. And Bucky trusted them both to say only what was needed for the case.

Pam was called up first and gave her name and credentials to the tribunal. A graduate of Columbia Medical School, she’d done a tour as an Army Medic and specialized in internal medicine. She went on to explain that she’d chosen to work with vets at the VA due to her experiences working with GI’s overseas and because of her late first husband who’d died in the line of duty. Some of this Bucky had known but not all of it. She was also asked indirectly about her relationship with Sam as well, just as a lead up to how she became Bucky’s doctor in the first place.

He remembered, vaguely, how sick he’d been when he’d first met her, battling a severe case of bacterial pneumonia that had attacked his weakened immune system with a vengeance in spite of his bodie’s ability to fight illnesses like this. Pam had explained to him later that his viral immunity did not extend to infections, which was why he got sick at all. Saying it made his system very interesting in how it did things differently than Steve’s. Some of which she explained on stand in great detail.

It was when she was asked to describe the injuries and their lingering effects however that the real information came out. And Bucky could actually hear the reactions from the huge gallery at some of these things. He had to admit he’d have been shocked too if he hadn’t lived through them himself.

“What injuries did Sergeant Barnes get from his initial fall from the train and which ones did he get from his captors?” The prosecutor asked Pam as she went through the papers herself.

“You have to remember he fell from a very great height, one that would’ve killed most people, but we think the experiments done on him in his first imprisonment by Hydra may have enhanced him enough to help him survive but the injuries were still very severe.” She explained and turned to the charts that were projected onto a screen next to where she was sitting. “The biggest two were the separation of his left arm, which was twisted so completely around there was no saving it. And the second was this massive skull fracture right here.” She pointed to the x-ray which was taken recently and still showed the clear scarring of the bone, which certainly caused a reaction when shown. “We think this caused a hematoma which, as was said before, would’ve killed most anyone else but left him in a state of sever shock and temporary paralysis.”

“You know this how?”

“it’s based on when he said he remembered of it, which is, not surprisingly, very scattered considering the condition he was in.” Pam explained, meeting Bucky’s eyes from where she was for just a moment. “He most likely had several other injuries but some of these are hard to tell apart from his laundry list of broken bones as a result of his torture as well.”

“Speaking of that, which injuries could you find residue of that you know are a result of beatings or torture?”

There was another chart place up there, of what Bucky presumed was his own brain, he had seen scans of it before. Several areas pointed by the stick Pam was given as she explained what was there. “First of all, these are healing lesions that are consistent with the injuries we know are received through direct electrical shocks to the brain. Which did cause memory loss and nerve damage.”

“Are there any others?”

“Yes there are.” Pam, looking pained by this. “He’s had multiple fractures that could not be caused by a falls such as spiral fractures, where the arm is twisted around the back until it snaps. And fractures and tears that caused by long periods of time of having your arm puled outward to its longest extent either to your side or over your head.” She seemed to pause before finishing. “There’s another one too, something internal as well.”

Bucky knew where this was going and he dreaded the question from the prosecutor, but he had given permission for this to be revealed as well. Because he knew full disclosure could improve his case. Didn’t mean he wanted to hear it out loud either. But it was part of it, as Amelia had said, facing it was the best way to heal and recover it.

“And what is that?”

“There is scar tissue in his rectal area that I have seen before, working with POW’s.” Pam said, keeping her own composure as she talked about this. “It’s caused by repeated use of electrical equipment being used internally to maximize pain response for torture purpose.” She looked a little sick when she’d said it, as if the idea of it still bothered her to this day. Because it did. “It’s used on both women and men in equal measure.

He'd remembered at that moment when Pam had discovered this. When he’d finally allowed a full exam. Remembering the sympathetic, but not pitying look on her face. She’d known what it meant , because, as she’d said, she’d seen it before.

“They tortured you.” She’d stated, not asking just stating a fact. “No wonder you don’t like to be touched. If that happened to me I wouldn’t either..”

He realized at that moment that that was when he’d truly began to trust her completely. It had been a relief to do that. He’d remembered nodding at her in confirmation, knowing she didn’t judge or pity him. She had empathy, a great quality for a doctor.

Bucky then felt Steve squeeze his hand, pulling him out of this thought. He knew he knew about this, although he’d never asked him. He knew Bucky’s body especially well, and how sensitive he was and why. The increased sensitivity had caused pleasurable feelings in him, just like the scar tissue on his arm, but more so, but its horrible origins had never been discussed directly. The Winter Soldier had told Steve it happened, but he hadn’t told him everything. There was a detail he and Bucky had both left out.

The length of time it had taken for that injury to heal. And the Colonels aggravation of it when he’d assaulted him. It had caused him to bleed terribly. This was a detail Bucky was not sure he’d want Steve to know for a variety of reasons. And since Pam did not know that, it was not coming out here.

But while the information was shocking to those there, Bucky himself kept a poker face, hiding his emotions because it was the only way he could do right now. He knew he’d have to discuss this torture when he was on the stand, probably in detail, and this was just the warm-up for that.

But he was grateful for Steve’s hand squeezing his and Wanda’s hand on his left shoulder. It steadied him.

“How painful was this?” The prosecutor asked soberly.

“Excruciating.” Pam said simply and went on to explain in a clinical way. “The body in that area is very sensitive as it is, and the internal moisture spread the electrical charge that much more thoroughly as ar reslut. It would basically give you a painful, full-body seizure that you are very much awake and alert enough to feel throughout your entire body.”

“Electricity was used on him a lot?” 

“It’s a common form of torture unfortunately, and used in certain ways can damage your body and brain permanently.”

She went on to explain the effects this, and the cryo-freezing had on his brain and body. Discussing the memory loss, the seizures and the migraines he still suffered from. As well as the chronic pain as well. It painted a pretty terrible picture that the audience could get clearly. Also adding in the non-consented to surgery and other means of torture, such as sleep deprivation, dehydration and starvation, it made it clear the sheer level of abuse he went through not just on a physical level. And as she was an expert on working with people who’d experienced this type of abuse and torture, it carried a lot of weight.

“Sergeant Barnes was also severely injured in a confrontation with Colonel Kovalev correct?”

“Yes he had a bruised larynx, perforated spleen and a punctured lung. “ She told them matter of factly. “As well as a concussion and a separated right shoulder.”

“How long was he in the hospital with that?”

“Almost 3 weeks, the first week he spent in ICU on a ventilator.” She continued, giving the Colonel a glare of her own. “He nearly died, again.”

One Pam was dismissed, the next person to testify would be Amelia, who would then discuss the mental and emotional toll on Bucky from enduring all of this. But before she did, they took a break for lunch. And everyone kind of needed it after that.

Bucky, for his part, was lost in his own head and had no interest in talking to anyone right now. It was only going to get worse too he knew. The others around were concerned about this and constantly checked on him, which was annoying, but he tolerated it as well as he could.

“I said I wasn’t hungry.” He snapped a little at Steve as he tried to give him something to. “Anything I eat just gonna end up in the damn toilet.”

Steve gave up, knowing Bucky meant that, his stomach was already a mess. Especially now that he was thinking about the feeling of that electricity going through his body, and he could smell his own blood and vomit afterward, because he was strapped face down and looking right at on the on the floor. This particular flashback was making him feel ill as a result. It was a full sensory assault.

“Okay.” Steve told him, his hand brushing his hair comfortingly. “We’ll try again later.”

Bucky took a deep breath, fighting back the nausea. “Not sure about that either.”

He had to channel the Soldier now, he knew it, he would never get through it otherwise. Closing his eyes he looked for him in his head and pulled him forward, and immediately the lurching in his stomach faded a little and the shaking in his hand calmed as well. He felt more focused. And he knew Steve could see the visible change in his eyes, knowing what was happening.

A pair of lips were placed to the Soldier’s head and he sighed a little. “I know you’re here.” He heard Steve whisper against his head. “He needs you right now.”

The Soldier just nodded, looking around. He knew where they were. He could see through Bucky’s eyes the whole time. Knew the Colonel was nearby, and that Bucky was distressed. Not by him per say, but by the memories that were bouncing around in head. The Soldier didn’t like those memories either. Memories of the blue light and the pain upset him too, but he knew Bucky needed his calmness, so he did his best to push it aside too.

Their combined fortitude was already helping them both.

He leaned his head against Steve’s for a moment, taking a deep breath himself. “Steve..” He whispered to him. “Our Steve.”

They sat there in the hall, with uneaten food between them, for a few more moments. Gathering themselves for the next half of the day.

\--

Steve kept his hand in Bucky’s, or the Soldier’s, he wasn’t a hundred percent sure there, as they sat back down and watched Amelia get called up to talk now. His eyes kept flicking to where the accused were seated, staring daggers in that direction every so often, and seeing the man look back at him with a deceptively smug look. Steve knew he was putting on a show, that he was really scared. But it still pissed him off to even look at him.

Hearing Pam’s descriptions of the physical reminders of Bucky’s torture and abuse just increased this.

He’d never asked about that injury, he’d already known where it had come from. The man who had inflicted those initial injuries was long dead, killed by Bucky himself, and burning in hell, and Steve was glad for that. But the one sitting nearby had ordered that horror. And done more himself as well, if the Soldier and Bucky’s insinuations were accurate and he knew they were.

For now however, he stowed it as best he could, knowing he’d have his chance to strike his own blow on the stand, tomorrow most likely. For now, he just squeezed Bucky’s hand and listened to Amelia discuss the psychological effects of the things that Pam had disclosed.

Amelia herself also had good credentials, having graduated from Harvard, with both a PHD and a Doctorate in Psychiatry and Psychology. Had been doing it for 30 years and specialized in Trauma in Vets and POW’s. Stating this was personal for her, her father having been Vietnam vet and POW who sadly succumbed to his trauma. Steve had sort of guessed this due to her devotion to Bucky’s treatment. She stalked of her first meeting with Bucky, only a few days after he’d cut his wrist and how it affected her to see just desperate and in crisis he was. Steve felt increasing gratitude and respect for her and what she’d done for Bucky, and was glad for her assistance here.

“Can you describe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for those who don’t understand it?”

Amelia nodded and began to explain it. “PTSD is the way our minds react to traumatic events that occur. It can happen to any person who experiences a traumatic event or series of events. Your mind is essentially stuck in the situation and mindset that occurs with it. It causes the adrenaline levels in your brain to increase as a result. Which causes fear, paranoia, anxiety, depression, nightmares and delusional behavior. And in the person suffering from it can relive their traumatic experiences an event over and over again in perfect, frightening detail.”

“And Sergeant Barnes was diagnosed with this?”

“Yes he was. A very severed, chronic case of it that is typical of POW’s”

“What can trigger an episode?”

“There are a variety of triggers, they can come from any sensory input. It can the be color of something, a smell, a taste, a sound or a touch and it will put the sufferer back into the situation that traumatized them in the first place. “She continued to explain.” The sufferer will often blank out as they relive it as if they were there again. When it happens it can be extremely traumatic in of itself, and sometimes for those around them.

Steve listened to this, remembering Bucky having several incidences just like that, triggered by a variety of things. From all his senses. The blinking lights being the most prominent, but he’d noted sensitivity to certain sounds and smells too, some of which he knew the sources of and others he didn’t. He’d also recognized it himself sometimes, with certain things as well. He understood PTSD very well, had lived with it in his life for a long time.

Had watched Bucky go through it constantly. Trying to fight through it all the time.

“How many triggers does Sergeant Barnes have?”

“More than I can count.” Amelia stated looking somber. “He suffers from the severest kind of it due to the extreme nature of his trauma.”

“What else does he suffer from?”

Amelia went on to explain Bucky’s bouts with anxiety and depression as well as the subset Rape Trauma syndrome as well, which while she would not go into details of, contribute to his psychosis as well. If these weren’t enough to draw more gasps and, from what Steve’s could tell, moans of sympathy, the last one was particularly hard-hitting and was a lot of them were here to learn about.

The conundrum of the Winter Soldier and just how that had happened. Steve didn’t need an explanation himself, he lived with this all the time, but the clinical explanation was informative. He looked over at Bucky, who was either in a trance, or was the Soldier, or just being stoic. It was hard to tell. He just seemed to shut down for the moment. And Steve just squeezed his hand as best he could.

“It’s called Dissociative Personality Disorder and is usually, like sever PTSD, the result of severe and long-term trauma.” She told the court and the on-lookers. “The subject is unable to cope with this over a lengthy period of time and their mind splits, causing certain traits to rise up while others are suppressed, eventually creating an alternate personality of sorts. It’s a protection mechanism.”

“Is this what happened to Sergeant Barnes when he became the Winter Soldier?”

“In a manner of speaking yes.” Amelia confirmed. “Along with sleep deprivation and the use of mind-altering drugs on him, he developed a separate personality that could handle the trauma he couldn’t. Could do what they wanted him to do when Bucky himself couldn’t. It’s an extreme extension of what we do all the time, which is to compartmentalize tasks and send them to the corresponding parts of our mind that are specialized in it. But in the case of a split, it’s a total separation.”

She went on to explain the mindset this other personality was in as well. The lack of control or ability to consent created by this split. And the Stockholm Syndrome that occurred as well, causing a dependence and a loyalty to his captors, even as they hurt and used him. Painting a picture of someone who literally had no choice in anything he was asked to do.

“There literally was no choice for him.” She explained to everyone. “It was about survival and in this case that meant accepting their doctrine and relying on them because he literally had nothing else. They had the power of life and death and could determine just how painful his life was as a result. He was, in essence why he didn’t try to escape either.”

“Even though he weas sent out on his own a lot of the time.”

“He was mentally restrained. “ Amelia explained further. “It’s similar to the state of mind of a domestic abuse victim, or a cult member, or a victim of human trafficking. They have no will of their own, they are so eaten down emotionally that escaping never occurs to them.”

“But he did eventually escape didn’t he?”

“It took an extraordinary intervention by Captain Rogers to give the will to break free.” She finished up. “But it took a very long time and he still feels the effects of that control even now. He still blames himself for everything he did under their control even though he knows he’s not responsible for it.”

It was a clinical, yet painfully laymen description that left no doubt in the viewing audience what the horrific effects of the torture, abuse and brainwashing had on Bucky overall.

And the layers of guilt and self-loathing that came out of it as well.

“So who is to blame Dr. Markus?”

“They are.” Amelia said pointedly, sending her own glare in the direction of the accused. “He was the weapon and they were the ones wielding it, aiming and firing it. He had no ability to make the decision on his own. “

Once Amelia had finished up her testimony they were adjourned, and all Steve wanted to do was get Bucky out of there. He hadn’t said much or reacted to anything that was said after a certain point. But he had gripped Steve’s hand in response several times. Steve looked at Wanda questioningly, who was on his other side, and have his hand on his head.

To a casual observer it would look like she was checking for a fever, but Steve knew she was looking inside his head a little. And Bucky, or the Soldier, seemed to be letting her do it. “Is he in there at all?” He asked finally as they waited for everyone else to leave. “I can’t tell.”

Amelia and Pam had stayed around, their doctor’s nature toward their patient making them concerned. Perhaps it was how pale he was, or just the look on his face. Wanda didn’t respond to Steve for a moment, just seemed to concentrate on what she was dong.

“He’s there.” She said after a minute, biting her lip. “He just doesn’t want to talk right now.”

Suddenly he seemed to jerk out of it with wide eyes darting around for a moment before recovering. He looked from Wanda to Steve, confused as if he forgot where he was for a moment. And then remembered.

“You okay?” Steve asked, putting his hand on his face. “Buck?”

Bucky seemed to nod and looked around again. “Are we all done?”

“Yeah.” Steve told him, relieved for the moment. “It’s time go back to the hotel okay?”

He nodded again, and Amelia came over, purring her hands on his, giving him a soft look. “I want you to get some rest and call me in the morning okay?” She asked, squeezing his hands. “I’m not going anywhere until this over.”

“Okay.” Bucky agreed, looking grateful. “I will.”

Pam also mentioned she would check on him later before departing with Sam. Both of the women looked tired from being on the stand and probably wanted to rest themselves. Wanda seemed to keep her hand on Bucky’s head for a moment, a warm red glow coming from as if to continue to relax him, and Bucky seemed to slowly get his color back and began to look a bit stronger again. Almost like he had when they’d left this morning.

“I am a little hungry now.” He said finally. “Didn’t exactly eat lunch.”

“Well then lets get you fed then.” Wanda said, hooking her arm around his metal one. “There’s a good place nearby.”

It sounded great to Steve, to get him out and some food in him before they went back. And Wanda’s company seemed to benefit him as well. Her ability to read his mind certainly helped. It was one power the serum hadn’t given Steve himself, but sometimes it was eerie how they could almost read each other’s minds even without that ability.

“Yeah lets have some dinner.” He agreed, taking Bucky’s other hand in his. “And maybe a drink or two.”

Bucky smiled his more typical smile. “Now we’re talking punk.”

They ended up having a nice dinner, in a private part of the restaurant to avoid any onlookers, and just had some appetizers and a little wine. Bucky didn’t eat a lot, but he did eat. And smiled more as the night went on. It was a nice diversion from the trial and Steve was happy for it.

\--

Bucky leaned back against the headboard as he finished up his leftovers. His knees were bent on either side of Steve’s, allowing him to massage him as a way of relaxing him because, well, he needed it. Bucky’s eyes would flutter every so often as Steve worked his hands into the muscles of his thighs, both inside and out under his shorts, working his way steadily up them.

He did have very talented hands that Bucky was extremely grateful for. Especially right now.

There wasn’t anything really overly sexual about it either, Bucky was really not in mental shape for that right now, this was purely to undo the knots in his body and by proxy clear the clutter in his head that had built up today. And combined the little wine he ‘d had at dinner with Wanda, it was working. Steve hadn’t asked him about court yet, for which he was also grateful, just seemed to content to feed him some of his leftover food and helping him relax.

Although Bucky knew the question was coming soon. He could see in Steve’s eyes. But he didn’t yet. “Feeling any better?” He asked instead, pulling Bucky’s leg along the side of his own hip to work him more. “Your colors back..”

“Well it’s kind of hard to feel sick when your touching me like this punk.” Bucky replied, feeling Steve’s fingers kneading the upjper, inner part of his thigh now. “You got the magic touch.”

Those fingers kneaded deep into the muscle there causing Bucky’s eyes to flutter a little more. Damn that felt good, he could feel himself loosening up even more. Pretty soon he’d be numb from the waist down and he was sort of looking forward to that. Quite a bit actually.

“Only for you jerk.” Steve told him, doing the same to his other leg as well. “Only for you.” He pulled him a little more around his own legs and continued his work. “You didn’t really answer my question though.”

“To be fair you didn’t ask the real question.” Bucky countered, laying his head back against the headboard a bit more, putting his plate down. “So why don’t you stop beating around the bush and ask me about it?”

Steve’s hands moved from Bucky’s thighs, which he was now done with, and slid around to his hips and continued their work under his shorts. Kneading the muscles there in the same way, causing him to bite his lip and fight to keep his eyes open, feeling like he was going into a trance and maybe he was.

“What happened earlier?” Steve finally asked as he worked on him. “Where did you go?”

Bucky met his eyes, letting his touch relax him enough to talk. “I went away.” He confessed, his metal hand petting the purring cat on his left. Getting two points of comfort now. “I needed to steady myself and it was the only way I could. Otherwise I might lose my nerve you know?”

His fingers moved around a little, pressing and kneading into his ass a little, causing him to take a ragged breath. “Lose your nerve about what?”

“Testifying.” Bucky answered, letting his eyes flutter closed for a moment. “I realized when they were up there that I’d have to…. described what happened to me.” He paused, concentrating on Steve’s hands as he talked. “Describe how I… got those injuries and I got scared..”

The thought of that brought the memories back. Of the internal pain as the electricity radiated through his body, causing it jerk violently as it did. The abrasions and cuts this caused on his wrist and ankles, and the way he would throw up and smell it afterwards, as he practically laid in it. And throwing up like that got him another round of it. He could even now, smell his own flesh cooking and it made him feel nauseous again.

But Steve’s hands were there, counteracting that, kneading the muscles in his hips, back and behind, and the tenseness in his body relaxed again in a ragged breath. He opened his eyes and looked into Steve’s again, trying to find the strength he thought he had when he let this morning.

“I realized just how much I’m gonna need him when I’m up there.” He continued, as Steve’s hands began kneading his back and abdomen gently. “He.. he can talk about that.. I can’t and I don’t know why I just.. lock up when I think about it so I needed to talk to him in my head I guess.” He gave Steve a sort of embarrassed look. “It sounds kinda nuts I know.”

“Yeah it does.” Steve said with a half-smile, as his thumbs kneaded Bucky right under his ribs. “But if that’s what you gotta do Buck who is anyone to judge that?”

Bucky felt not only grateful but also amazed at how well Steve had accepted all this. The madness of his duality. He felt any other person would’ve run away a long time ago. Or had him committed to a loony bin. But Steve, he just treated it like it was perfectly normal. Just another aspect of life with a husband who had some very large screws loose.

He felt Steve pull him closer, right off the headboard and press his hand in the center of Bucky’s back as he gently pulled his shirt off. Once again there was no real sexual angle to this, it was just to make it easier to get to his left shoulder. He then pulled back some of the metal flaps and slid his fingers in there, rubbing and caressing the scar tissue under in a sweet, comforting way that caused Bucky’s eyes to close. And gently worked his way around the shoulder in this manner.

The scar tissue was so sensitive, and his body was already so loose from the massage that he just about went limp in Steve’s arms, feeling like he could fall asleep. All his scar tissue was like that. Including the ones Pam had mentioned, and the thought of this caused him to lay his head on Steve’s shoulder and take another heavy sigh.

Every place that had been hurt, felt better when Steve touched it, and that almost made him want to cry right then and there. He just trembled instead, something Steve could clearly feel.

“What’s wrong Buck?” Steve asked right in his ear, his hand still rubbing those old scars under the metal plate. “Tell me.”

He buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, his legs bent on either side of him. “It’s too much.” He said, his voice muffled against Steve’s shirt. “I have to.. talk about it and I don’t know if I can..” He gripped his shirt with his metal hand tightly. “If I can tell everyone what they did.. how they hurt me..”

He still had a hard time talking about the pain, the shame, the guilt. He, with the Soldier’s help, could talk about it pragmatically, but getting into details, using the proper words, were still extremely difficult. Amelia had said this was a normal reaction considering how much of his pain he’d suppressed over decades in order to protect himself. It was still hard to really get at it even now. To express how it had felt to be imprisoned and experimented on. To beaten, tortured and raped. To be brainwashed into thinking this was normal and taught to murder people he didn’t even know for someone else’s agenda.

He would have to access all this pain shortly, and realized he wasn’t ready for it. And it was terrifying.

Bucky knew he wasn’t scared of the Colonel anymore. He was scared of this. Of full disclosure.

“I wish I could do it for you Buck.” Steve told him, his hand on the back of his head now. “I really wish I could.”

He lifted his head off Steve’s shoulder and laid it against Steve’s, resting own hand on his face. “You’ve fought for me enough punk.” He told him, pinching his face a little. “This one’s mine.”

Turning his face then, he kissed him softly, as if to thank him just the same for it. Feeling one of those hands, that had totally just relaxed his entire body, softly undo the bun that was still in his hair until it fell all over his hand. And then embedded his fingers in it, gripping it in a way that never hurt. That never felt bad at all.

Their lips parted and his hair was pulled gently to one side as Steve’s lips then found that scar tissue on his shoulder, his other hand caressing it on his shoulder-blade under the metal. Bucky moaned softly and gripped Steve’s shirt at the sensation his lips caused on those old scars. They worked the same on other scars as well.

His body felt so loose and relaxed as he leaned back against the headboard again, feeling drowsy after the long day. And the full body massage he’d just gotten. He clung to Steve’s shirt, barely keeping his eyes open now.

“Rest.” He heard Steve say against his shoulder. “It’s okay.”

He nodded, not fighting the urge to do so. Feeling his body being slid down onto the soft pillow again, which felt like a nice, fluffy cloud that he was sinking into. Could feel Steve’s hands still on him, could feel those lips on his skin, causing him to sigh sweetly.

Bucky barely noticed when he was pulled into his arms under the covers. He just smiled and nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck. “Our Steve.” He whispered in the dialect of the Soldier and drifted off for a little while just like that.

\--

Steve lay there for a while, just softly touching him as he slept. Keeping the comfort going even as Bucky slept. He was in some turmoil no doubt and he wanted his sleep to be restful. For him to feel safe. After today in court he could see the stress starting to build and that he may have to do this every night until it was over. Until they could go home finally.

Bucky had been so sound asleep that Steve had been able to put his shirt back on him without waking him at all. Just so he’d be warm. His hand moved over his hip in a slow comforting circle, while nuzzling his face into his brown hair. And for now, Steve did not feel the signs of a nightmare or any distress.

He let himself think about earlier, about the testimony he’d heard. And the way Bucky had reacted to that. The revelation to everyone else about the physical scars he still bore, some in not so visible places. Steve was intimately aware of them, one of the few, along with his doctor, who’d been able to get close enough to personally see or touch them.

Those painful reminders of unimaginable torture that he wished he could erase from Bucky’s memory. And his own as well.

It always brought back the rage at the ones that hurt him, and the guilt that he hadn’t been able to protect him from it. Which manifested itself in boring a hole in the back of that asshole’s head as he sat there, almost looking bored with the whole thing. And would occasionally turn to look at Steve with a taunting smile on his face. It took everything he had not to leap over the rail and kill the bastard right there.

Bucky, for his part, refused to look at him. To acknowledge him at all. He said he wasn’t scare of him, and in the car on the way, said he just wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting any of his attention. And hadn’t.

Steve had given him enough attention for both though. And would be staring him down from the stand tomorrow as well.

Bucky may have said this was his fight, but Steve was going to have his turn tomorrow to drive more nails into that bastard’s coffin. And he was looking forward to it.

He then felt Bucky shift slightly against him and looked down to see his eyes open and staring at him with a soft, fuzzy look. “Steve?”

“Yeah.” He answered, pulling him a little closer under the covers. “I’m right here.”

“Good.” Bucky answered, his eyes brightening in the semi-dark room. “He’s resting.”

Steve blinked a little at those words, realizing it was the Soldier he was talking to. That Bucky was still sleeping technically, or dozing. He was present, not like before when he was unaware of it all. He was learning to utilize the Soldier in this way so parts of his mind could still rest. It was fascinating to see him do this sometimes.

“Is he now?” Steve asked him, still moving his hand softly over him. “And you’re not.”

The Soldier seemed to smile at this before responding. “No because he needs me to talk to you.” He said in his typically even tone. “Like in that other place.”

“You mean in court?”

The Soldier nodded. “It hurts him to talk about them.”

“I know it does.” Steve told him, letting that hand slide up and down his side. “But what about you?”

He was very curious about this answer. Why Bucky could talk about this as the Soldier, but not when he was himself. Thinking maybe it was just easier for him to put the mask on and take his feeling out of it. The thought was both sad and enlightening to him. Learning to understand his coping mechanism more clearly would be beneficial.

“It doesn’t hurt us the way it hurts him.” The Solider answered, looking slightly perplexed by that question. “And there are things in the way. Feelings.”

“But it still hurt you.”

“The blue light hurt.” The Soldier said, wiggling a little closer to Steve. “When they put it inside us. We didn’t like that.” He seemed to wince a little. “We could sit or lay down after.”

Steve felt pained, rubbing his hip some more for comfort. “I know.”

“But Bucky hurt even when they stopped hurting us.” The Soldier told him, his brow creased in thought as he talked. “In here.” He pointed to his head. “When he was alone, he would cry, and sometimes he still does.”

This was painful to hear but revealing too. He was revealing the pain he’d been, and was, still in even now. That he still hid sometimes. “When does he do that?”

The Soldier seemed to search his mind at bit. “Sometimes when he’s with the nice lady.” He told Steve. “And sometimes when he visits the stone with the names on them.”

He was talking about Amelia he was sure. And when Bucky would visit the graveyard. Most likely to see his parents. He was still very careful where he showed his grief Steve knew. It was sometimes hard to get it out of him. To get him to admit he was in pain. He was so brave and strong, but he still clearly hurt sometimes.

The Soldier for his part looked confused. “He’s not being hurt so why is he in pain?”

Steve put his hand on his face and cupped it gently. “Because sometimes things still hurt us long after they happen.” He explained, looking in his eyes. “The pain lingers.”

“Like down there.” The Soldier said with some understanding in his eyes now. “After they hurt us.”

“Yeah.” Steve told him, leaning his face against his. “Like that.”

“It still hurt after.” The Soldier said quietly. “And then he made us bleed again.” His metal hand played with Steve’s shirt, twisting it between his fingers. “Bucky can’t talk about that because it still hurts him.”

Steve knew what he was saying. That he’d still been healing when the Colonel had raped him, further injuring him and that this was hard to admit to. The injury he’d found himself bore it out. And he knew why Bucky had froze up today, because he knew he’d have to talk about that. And he understood why he didn’t want to tell him about it either. It put a question on his lips, and he knew he would get an honest answer here. And hopefully once and for all answer to this.

“Soldier?” He asked softly, opening his eyes and looking in into those blue ones. “When I’m.. inside you.. does it hurt you? Or Bucky?”

He saw a slightly surprised look in those eyes at this. “Not like that.” Was his answer, and a small smile crept into his eyes. “We like the way it feels when you go inside us.” His eyes seemed to shine as if in memory of this. “Our Steve feels good.. he doesn’t hurt us like they did.”

He didn’t know why, but that answer seemed to settle him in a way he hadn’t been able to get settled. As much as he’d accepted Bucky’s explanation and hadn’t held back on him, there had been that doubt in him for a while, especially when he’d discovered the internal injuries. But the Soldier’s answer was more poignant. Acknowledging that while there was some pain it wasn’t a bad kind. And the Soldier was, as always, unfailingly honest when Bucky, understandably, couldn’t always be.

“Good.” He said to him, wrapping him up in his arms. “Because it should never hurt like that.”

The smile he gave was reminiscent of Bucky when they were kids. The one he’d shown when Steve had professed grudging gratitude for being helped. When his pride wouldn’t let him show how grateful he was. It just filled his heart to see it showing up in this version of him now.

The metal hand went to his face and kissed him softly then, pressing his body into Steve’s as he did. And he felt that need, that urge, rise in him again. Felt his hands slide into his shorts and push them down and off him, his hands exploring his now bare skin before laying him on his back, kissing him deeper as he did.

It was then the Soldier pushed back, not hard but gently and look in his eyes for a moment. “Not like this.” He said with a firmness before carefully turning around in his arms so his back was against Steve’s chest. “We want it like this… please?”

Steve was a little surprised after what they’d just talked about but maybe realized that was the point. It was as if to re-affirm it was okay. He put his lips to the back of his neck, nuzzling under his hair, hand on those perfect hips and breathed him in before answering.

“If that’s what you want Soldier.” He whispered in his ear before nibbling his neck gently.

“We like it like this..” The Soldier confirmed, wrapping his hand around the headboard. “It feels good with Steve.”

Those words were enough for him, and after divesting himself of his own shorts he pulled his hips against him and used his knees to open the Soldier’s and spread him. He then wrapped his own hands around his, feeling the ring on the metal finger against his own. It caused him to growl low in his throat, right in his ear, before pushing into him slowly and sweetly. Holding himself there to give them both time to relish the feeling of their connection.

“I love you Soldier.” He breathed in his ear. “I love you so much.”

He loved them both. They were both the same person. Just a different part of him. But not less Bucky. His Soldier. His love. His husband. The center of his world. There was nothing more beautiful than making love to him, in whatever incarnation of him, it was always perfect.

“We love you too.” The Soldier moaned in return. “Our Steve.”

With that he started moving against him, slow at first but steadily increasing as it always did. As he lost himself in him. In the feel of his body against his. The feel of being deep inside. He let go of his hands, letting them slide over his body, touching him all over and gripping his hips every so often to change his angle, to get more of that sensitive part of him, a place that like his shoulder, had been hurt, and badly, but now had healed into something that gave him pleasure instead.

He always wanted to give him that pleasure whenever he could. He deserved it.

With his hand on his stomach holding him as tight to him as possible, he used his other hand to grip his hair and pull his head back a little to get at his neck, sucking on the mark he’d already made, making sure it stayed longer, as a reminder of his love through this. He hearing the Soldier moan and thrust back against him as they moved against each other with rising intensity.

It went on for a while, sweet yet passionately rough at the same time. Like it always was and would be between them.

\--

Bucky could feel that pleasant soreness in him, becoming aware halfway through the session that it was happening. But hadn’t really interrupted it, just eased his way back in. And was welcomed by both. It was always surreal experience, like a dual sensation that doubled the pleasure he felt.

The feeling of Steve’s hands on his hips, his stomach, his neck, as he pounded into him was so enhanced, like being on a psychedelic drug with a pleasure able result. He recalled yelling himself hoarse as he came, hands clenching the headboard so tight that the knuckles on his flesh hand hurt.

But as always, it was a pleasurable pain that he actually enjoyed. He wasn’t a pain junkie in a sense that it got him off to be hurt. He liked the pain that felt good. There was a difference he knew.

Because he’d experienced the other kind too.

When it was over, and the Soldier himself was tired enough to rest, he came out fully, purring and curling into Steve’s arms. Feeling well-loved, rested, and strangely unburdened as well. He nuzzled Steve’s neck and smiled into it before nipping him softly.

“Wow you really went at him punk.” He observed, wiggling his ass against Steve’s hand playfully. “Cause I mean damn..”

He felt Steve’s hand flex on said ass just as playfully. “When did you get back?”

“About halfway through.” Bucky confessed, nuzzling him a little more. “Me and the Soldier we share sometimes cause we ain’t selfish like that.”

Steve tipped his chin up to kiss him softly, and then rub their noses together. “I guess two is better than one huh?”

“Well if you mean orgasms punk then yeah.” Bucky teased, wiggling against his hand a little more. “I would say so.”

“You’re feeling better I can see.” Steve observed, rubbing his nose into Bucky’s hair as if smelling it.

Bucky buried his face in Steve’s chest and did the same, taking a deep inhale of post-coital Steve into his nose. A very pleasant smell indeed. “Yeah.” He confessed honestly. “I do.”

He wondered what they’d talked about. Because other than the massage and the sex he felt like he’d unburdened himself in some way again. If he really wanted to, he could find it, the Soldier was him after all. It was all there. Or he could just ask he supposed. In good time. Right now, he was sort of enjoying this feeling of relaxation.

Speaking of that, Steve’s hand was rubbing his ass pretty sweetly now, he could feel the fingers, skating around the entrance and smiled, nipping his chest a little. “You really like my ass don’t you punk?” He asked, lifting his head and pursing his lips cutely. “Cause you certainly can’t leave it alone.”

“Well such a work of art deserves a lot of attention.” Steve replied, cupping one of the cheeks with his hand and squeezing a little. “Besides I don’t hear you complaining jerk.”

One of his fingers touched the edge of his rim and it was soft on the sensitive skin there Bucky actually took a sharp breath at it. “That’s cause I didn’t. I was just saying is all.”

He had an idea Steve might’ve been thinking of what had bee said in court earlier and it caused a little bit of shame in him for a moment. He wasn’t sure he was right on it, but it was scary how quickly that thought came into his head. He knew Steve didn’t think of him any differently, but the feeling was there just the same and it almost killed his mood.

Those fingers skated over that sensitive area a little more, eliciting another soft whine in his throat. “Do you need me to take care of you?” Steve asked in his ear. “Tell me.”

Bucky nodded at the softness of the touch again, the memory of being brutalized jockeying for position in his head. “Yes.” He whispered into his chest. “Please..”

Steve then gently turned him over onto his stomach, running his hands over his back before slipping a couple of fingers inside and stroking him gently. Bucky buried his face in the pillow, blocking out sight and concentrating on the feeling. And on Steve’s voice talking to him, directly in his ear.

“The Soldier told me what happened.” He whispered in Bucky’s ear. “I know what he did and its okay to feel that pain Buck.” The fingers made a soft circle, hitting a very sensitive spot causing another whine. “It’s okay.”

Bucky whimpered into the pillow at those words, wanting to cry again but afraid to. Afraid of that weakness coming out now. He needed to be strong. He needed to keep it together. He did not want to the Colonel to see any weakness in him in court. But he wasn’t in court now. He was safe. He whimpered softly again, feeling Steve’s other hand pet his hair as he continued to stroke him with the other one.

“I hadn’t healed yet.” He said into the pillow, his voice breaking. “They never gave me time to heal before they’d hurt me again.” He gripped the pillow with his hands, the flesh one starting to cramp. “Over and over again until I couldn’t feel anything anymore.”

It had all come so rapid fire. The torture, the beatings , the assaults, that his body had started to go numb at points. He had been no sooner pulled out of the freeze than subjected to all those things. Physical, mental, and psychological torture that it had blurred together. Once his mind was clearer and more cohesive the memories came rapid fire as well. He’d done his best to keep most of it in therapy, but the last 6 months had been brutal, attaking hits left and right, opening more wounds all the time.

All his breaks, while profound, had been minor compared to the one he knew would come if he let the real pain out. He was scared it would come right out in front of everyone. In front of _him._

“It’s safe to feel it now Buck.” Steve said softly to him. “Let yourself.”

He let the feeling f the soft orgasm Steve’s fingers were bringing him to, wash over him, and on its heels, the raw wake of it, was pain he was so afraid of. The one he was punished for showing too much of. That he’d blocked by creating the Soldier in the first place. The one who could take the pain and had no fear at all. He absorbed that pain now and felt it explode out of his core in a very cathartic way.

Turning from the pillow he grabbed at Steve blindly and climbed into his arms, burying his face into his shoulder and letting it out, too exhausted to try to contain it anymore. Gripping Steve’s shirt around the back and crying painfully into it, soaking it, Steve’s hand on his hair, brushing it softly.

“Why me?” He sobbed against him, letting that feeling that he always thought of as selfish come out as well. “Why did they choose me? What did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong Buck.” Steve whispered into his hair, holding him tightly. “It was all them.. they did it cause they could that’s all.”

He never allowed himself to think about that. Because a part of him had believe he had to have sinned in some fashion to deserve that. He’d believed it early on. That God had abandoned him and punished him for violating some rule. For committing some sin. He’d been forsaken in some way. Maybe for the sin of loving the wrong person, and not honoring his family. It had to be something. He knew it was bullshit on many levels, there was no reason for it, but that old idea of being abandoned had stuck in him just the same. It came out when he was hurting the most. Like now.

Bucky had no idea how long he’d been sobbing like this, just knew his eyes were red and he felt exhausted. He didn’t feel strong at all right now, felt weak like a kitten, and he just wanted to be held for a while. Which Steve was more than happy to do it seemed.

And Arya was more than happy to sit next to them both, rubbing against his leg and purring as well.

“I don’t know if I can do this Steve.” He said after a while, feeling the residue shudders and hithes go through his body. “I mean if I can’t even handle today how I am supposed to get up there and actually talk about it?”

“Cause you’re stronger than you think Buck.” Steve reassured him, still stroking his hair softly. “Look at what you’ve done so far.”

“I don’t feel all that strong.” He confessed, burying his face further into his shoulder if that was possible. “In fact I feel like a weak little shit right now.”

He hated feeling like this. Feeling this vulnerable. Even though it was another safe place. He’d confessed this many times in therapy, the reason he fought the idea of being a victim so much was the connotation that he was weak. That he let it happen to him, so therefore he was by proxy responsible. On some level he understood that was bullshit too but the loudest voice in his head kept telling him that macho bullshit lie. That men sucked it up, men don’t cry. But he did and had to accept the fact that it was okay for him to do it.

Amelia had told him, once he could truly accept that he’d been a victim, to acknowledge the pain of that, is when he could truly heal from the experience. That step had been a hard one, one of the most difficult ones.

“Why Buck? Cause you cried?” Steve asked him, putting his hands on his face and lifting it. “Remember when my mom died? You sat on that porch with me and told me it was okay to. That I didn’t have to pretend it didn’t hurt.” He held Bucky’s eyes firmly as he talked. “You need to follow your own damn advice sometimes.”

He’d remembered that, letting Steve cry on his shoulder at the loss of someone so important to him. He’d encouraged him to feel the pain because for a long time he was pretending it didn’t hurt and that he didn’t need any help. He’d been a stubborn punk like that. The role was reversed now, and who was being the stubborn one now? And now here Steve was, once again, telling him it was okay to be like this. It made his already red eyes feel like they were going to water again.

“Dammit punk.” He told him, uselessly trying to fight the emotion back again. “How’d you get so smart?”

“I had someone wise jerk kick me in the ass once and a while.” Steve told him, smiling as he pressed his face against Bucky’s. “That’s how.”

Bucky smiled in spite of himself and felt Steve’s thumbs sort of wipe the wetness away from his face again. There was just so much softness there. And a swift kick in the ass once in a while too. He needed both he realized. Steve could be firm and hard when he needed to be, but he could be soft too. Just like Bucky had always been with him.

He turned his head so his lips were just brushing Steve’s, wrapping his own hands around Steve’s arms, gripping his sleeves tightly. “Thanks for kicking mine once in a while punk..” He whispered to him. “I kinda need sometimes too.”

Steve didn’t respond, just kissed him softly, still holding his face as he did. Bucky could still feel some of the hitches and shudders go through his body as he did. Could still feel the rawness in his eyes and was happy t keep them closed. And was also perfectly fine when Steve laid him down on his side, wrapping him up in his arms, their lips still together in a gentle kiss.

“All I ask is you give yourself a break Buck.” Steve whispered as he pulled his lips away to just stare into his eyes, hand brushing that errant lock of hair back again. “Stop holding on so damn tight.. it’s okay to let go.”

Bucky just nodded his head tiredly and then tucked it in under Steve’s chin again, feeling the cat curl behind him at the same time. “I’ll try punk.” He told him, letting out a shaky breath. “I promise.”

But for now he just let himself be held. Be comforted. Allowed himself to just be vulnerable. It was okay to be.

\--

Pam had given them some sedatives for Bucky to take in case he needed them, but Bucky had sort of shook his head when Steve has asked if he needed them. “I think maybe I should just try and deal with it you know?” He said, laying there on the bed looking up at him. “To do it without help.”

“I get that Buck.” Steve had answered at the time. “But it’s okay to need help sometimes.”

“It’s not about me being stubborn Steve.” Bucky had told him, sitting up a little to lean on his arm. “Maybe, like you said, I just gotta let myself feel it.” He gave him a wan smile. “To detox this shit out of me so I’m clearer you know?”

He had nodded, leaning on one arm to look at him like that. Even with his large frame, sometimes he could look small, like he did then. Not in a weak way, but in a vulnerable one. Which he was. Steve had sensed that Bucky was still a raw nerve right now but that he wanted to strengthen himself. He’d already taken steps the day before and seemed to be taking another one today. To, like he said, detox that poison out of him again.

“Alright.” Steve had agreed, taking his metal hand in his and kissing the ring on the finger. “Whatever you think is best.”

Now he seemed to be sleeping again, or at least dozing. And Steve watched him carefully. Brushing his hair with his hand comfortingly, watching for any signs of distress. Which he was sure would come after earlier. After he’d broken down and cried, letting some more pain out of his system that he’d jammed up in there, like a clogged pipe that was finally cleared out.

God he hated them so much. He was starting to understand what Bucky meant about a burn under his skin. This felt like a wildfire. A rage that was hard to contain. That smug bastard had looked at him in the courtroom several times. And stoked that fire within him.

_And then he made us bleed again.._ The Soldier had said earlier in his strangely innocent way.

_I hadn’t heal yet.._ Bucky had painfully admitted to him. _They never gave me time to heal before they’d hurt me again.._

Steve had put both those statements together very easily and kept his calm as best he could because Bucky had needed that at the moment. That piece of shit had re-injured him when he’d raped him, making him bleed and just the thought of that made Steve want to rip him apart with his bare hands. It was a scary kind of rage. And if he’d known this when he’d visited him at the hospital the man wouldn’t be here to be on trial.

What the International Court and Bratva may do to him would be nothing compared what Steve would do if given a chance.

He tried to stow that inside and laid down behind Bucky, wrapping an arm around him to just hold him close. Smiling over his shoulder at the way Arya always wrapped her paws around that metal arm. She’d never had any fear of it or him either. And Steve had known that done wonders for Bucky, that something that small trusted him that much.

When Bucky started to tense and whimper in his sleep, Steve just held him tighter, putting his lips to his ear and soothing him as best he could. “Ssssh it’s okay.” He’d tell him, hearing those painful sobs come out again. “You’re safe.”

Without the benefit of the medication, his nightmares were not suppressed in any way and Steve had an idea they were vivid and frightening. Even the cat looked worried, but not scared, sitting up and watching him with her green eyes before rubbing her face against Bucky’s as if to comfort him too.

His legs kicked a little under the covers, as if fighting Steve’s grip, but he continued to hold on and whisperer in his ear, even when he screamed and struggled against it. Sometimes he was hard to control and this was no exception. Steve turned him carefully as Arya scampered onto the pillow and watched, holding him to tight against his chest as Bucky continued to struggle and claw at him as if warding off an attacker, and in his head he probably was.

“Ssssh.” Steve said again in his ear as he continued to struggle. “It’s me it’s okay.”

Bucky whimpered painfully, the struggles getting a little less, even though his hands hooked into claws, the metal one painfully digging into Steve’s back, making him feel pretty sure he was going have a scratch of some kind there. But he didn’t let go.

He could’ve put him on his back and restrained him better, but he remembered what Bucky had said about the restraints that had been put on him and elected not to do it that way now. He just continued to hold him to him and murmur comfort into his ear until he calmed finally, his breath hitching in his chest as he did.

“Steve?” He asked if not sure he was there or not.

“I’m here it’s okay.” Steve told him, kissing his head and relaxing his grip. “It was just a dream.”

The grip on his back loosened a bit more as Bucky relaxed into his arms, his body still shaking from the terror he’d very plainly felt. Steve looked down and could actually see his eyes open as he lay there, seeming to stare right through him for a moment.

“There was a time when I.. wasn’t sure.” He admitted as he loosened his grip on Steve’s back and flattened his hand against it. “Didn’t know what was the dream and what was reality because sometimes I would dream then.. of you.” His face pinched a little at this. “And it felt so real and wonderful and then I’d wake up in that place.. in so much pain..” He then bit his lip and looked down. “There’s been time when I’ve been scared this is all just a dream and I’m gonna wakeup there again and that.. it’ll never end.”

Steve held him tighter, burying his face in his brown hair. “What about now?”

“This is real.” Bucky replied against his neck and Steve could feel him smiling again. “I know it is.”

He got a soft hold of his hair and gently pulled his head back to look in his eyes. He didn’t see confusion and fear in them like he used to. He saw calmness and the surety. Belief and hope. He looked so beautiful at that moment, the soft smile on his face, that he just had to kiss him and did, pulling more into his arms if that was possible to do.

“That’s cause it is Buck.” He whispered against his lips, wrapping his arm around him to hold him to him. “And it always will be.”

“It’s either that punk..” Bucky said in response, wrapping a leg around his hip. “Or I just went totally batshit crazy..” He let his lips skate over Steve’s , tongue touching them every so often. “In which case, I can live with that..”

Steve took that errant tongue into his mouth meeting it with his own and spent the rest of their waking hour showing him just how real it all was. At one point both hands were entwined with the others, either one feeling the ring on each of their fingers, tangible proof of reality as if their was any doubt.

“By the way punk.” Bucky breathed in between kisses, his hands wandering down his back to more southern regions. “I can’t get enough of your ass either..”

Steve laughed a bit, remembering their conversation earlier. “I’m flattered it meets your approval jerk.” He replied before resuming their kiss, feeling that metal hand squeezing said ass and just kissed him harder as a result.

Arya just sat on the end of the bed, watching over them approvingly until her Daddies were finally still and sleeping, and then curled up between their feet, purring her little heart out. Completing the family while they were far from home.

\--

Bucky sat in the courtroom, and this time he didn’t make an effort to look away from his former captor. He looked right at him. A gaze that was all Winter Soldier kind of scary. And was satisfied to see the bastard actually looked a little scared of that. Just like when he heard the fear in his voice the other nights. He was the one who scared now.

There was something satisfying in that.

Wanda had her chin resting on Bucky’s left shoulder, with an arm around him. Her presence helped too because Steve wasn’t there. He was getting called as a witness today and had to be elsewhere. So he had her on side, and Amelia on the other. Sam, Pam and Tony among other behind him. He was flanked by friends. Which gave him strength and confidence. But he had a feeling he would still have that alone too. He was feeling stronger now.

But it was better with friends. With love around you.

“If looks could kill he’d have exploded by now.” Wanda said with some amusement. “Although I could do that for you if you want., it is pretty easy for me.”

Bucky actually felt himself chuckled at that a little. “It’s tempting kid.” He told her, lifting his hand to put it around her back. “But I like watching him squirm just a much.”

Amelia had told him earlier that letting go of the fear and allowing himself to feel the anger and pain openly was going to help him a lot. That it was cathartic to confront him directly, so he could expel this one like he’d expelled the others.

“You know he’s afraid of you now.” She’d said in the private room they’d met in. “Use that. And remember you have the power now, not him.”

It had been similar to things Wanda had told him too. _They knew how powerful you were and they were scared of that.. that’s why they had to hurt you so much, so you wouldn’t figure it out too.. and destroy them.._

He knew Wanda knew that from he own experience. When you discover your own power, it was harder them for to control you. That’s what he was doing now, taking it back and showing them what he could really do to them. And he knew this nothing to do with physical strength but what was and always had been inside him. The inner strength that had helped him survive all of it and still be here now.

His decision to not take anything last night to help him sleep had, in a way, allowing him to feel everything much more fully and clearly. And as much as it hurt, as much as the wounds felt raw and painful, he had gotten through it, just let it bleed until it became just an ache. The nightmares were horrible yes, with nothing to cloud it but he’d survived that too.

And now here he was, letting his eyes bore a hole in that bastard, thinking about the way he’d hurt him. How he’d first sent those men to brutalize him. How he’d trained and manipulated him as he did. How after coming back on that first mission, successful, parts of him still in pain even weeks later, and being basically dragged into the man’s chambers and violated yet again. And a man like that, didn’t stop at just once either.

There had been a couple of nights like that after those early practice missions. Until the night the Soldier had gotten a hold of a knife and made sure it never happened again.

He was finally acknowledging the full reality of his suffering and it was liberating.

The look he gave the Colonel after that, made the man very uncomfortable, causing him to turn away and Bucky felt even more satisfaction at that. Wondering if he remembered how it had hurt when he cut him there. When he’d marked him too. He hoped he did.

When they called Steve finally, Bucky took his attention away from that piece of shit to look at the love of his life instead. A much softer look came over his face as he did. And unlike the disgusting feeling he go when thinking of the others touching him, he could actually feel the softness of Steve’s hands on his body even now and the softness went to his smile as well.

And knew anyone looking at him then in that audience could see the difference in the looks. Could see the strength of that love very clearly. Could see the calmness it brought to him as opposed to the open hostility to the other.

“State your name.”

“Captain Steven Rogers.”

Bucky stretched out his fingers on his metal hand and looked at his ring. At the bracelet on the other with those words on it _I’m with you til the end of the line.._ and felt more calmness come over him. Thinking _that’s my husband_. And heard the Soldier in his head add _Our Steve.._

He focused in on him and just watched it unfold. Sparing no more glances for now at the other. His punk was up there talking and when he did, Bucky always listened.

\--

Steve glared at the man as he took the stand, showing open contempt and anger for all to see. The Colonel did glare back as well, but Steve saw an underlying current of unease as well. Because Steve was not going to back down at all.

He looked back Bucky, flanked by Wanda and Amelia. Surrounded by their friends. He looked pale still but composed and strong. His breakdown last night seemed to have helped just as much as his breakthrough the day before that. Every day he got even stronger. More empowered. He would be a force when he was up here he was sure of it. Steve just hoped he’d believe in himself enough to realize it and use it to just destroy the man at the table and the organization he represented.

But right now, it was his turn. And the world turned to see what Captain America had to say.

And he had a lot to say.

“What is your relationship with Sergeant Barnes?”

Steve actually smiled a bit at this, thinking there were a lot of answer to that. He just went with the obvious one. “He’s my husband.”

“How long have you been married?”

“A year and a half actually.”

“But you’ve been together for much longer haven’t you?”

Steve smiled again at this, knowing the answer was so intricate and sometimes unbelievable to him. “We met when were kids so if you’re going strictly by years it’s been over 8 decades.” He said and added. “Although I slept for about 7 of those.”

That actually got a chuckle from a large number of people, Steve himself couldn’t honestly believe it. They’d known each since the 1920’s. Starting out as kids on playground and had ended up here. Never in their wildest dreams did they ever believe they’d still be together, or even alive at this point in history. Sometimes his life still amazed him.

“Well in the time you were awake you’ve known him pretty well.” The prosecutor asked with a smile on her own face before getting serious. “Can you describe what he was like prior to his initial capture by the Hydra organization?”

“He was smart, confident, pretty well-adjusted I would say considering how hard things were sometimes then.” He told them, wanting to paint a picture of who Bucky was prior to all this. “He hated bullies, that’s how we met actually..” Steve gave a sheepish smile then. “I was getting my ass kicked again and he protected me.”

“So he was good person in all respects?”

Steve gave a stern look that. “He IS a good person.” He corrected. “This hasn’t changed that.”

“There was no implication there.” The woman replied, sensing the adamance behind that response. “Just making it clear is all.” She then turned to the next question. “So you’d never seen him show violence toward anyone without provocation correct?”

“He only fought when he had to yes.” Steve responded, looking at Bucky as he said it. “He didn’t like to hurt anyone or anything unless it was necessary.”

It had been true. Bucky never threw a punch unless he needed to. He felt no need to commit violence because to him, hurting something smaller than him wasn’t cool at all. Nothing pissed him off more than seeing kids torture small animals in alley’s, which he’d disrupted several times. He mentioned this them now, trying to show there was more gentleness than violence there. Needing people to see this. To understand just what they’d done to him.

The questions eventually turned to the war, and when he’d found him, and Steve found himself pained all over again with that memory. Of finding him strapped to a table, injured, disorientated, saying his name, rank and serial number over and over again. The reason for that was obvious for anyone in military but he explained it here.

“It’s what they tell us to do if we are being interrogated, tortured or both.” He explained to the audience at large. “It’s meant to keep your mind clear under duress. Which he was clearly under.”

“Did you ever find out what happened to him in that place?”

“Eventually.” Steve admitted, his face pinching a little at the memory of that. “It took awhile, but I managed to get him alone and get him to tell me.” He looked over at Bucky, who himself had taken a long time to recall this too. “And showed me the extent of his injuries.”

He’d explained the bruising on his face and the blood in his ear when he’d first found him, but also told of bruising on the rest of his body and the track marks that were plainly visible as well. All evidence of being strapped down and injected with chemicals against his will. And also early signs of electrocution even then.

“He was different after that.” Steve went on to explain. “He was wary and almost paranoid, he never seemed to feel really safe and was a little more willing pull the trigger than he was before. I’d say he wasn’t well.. but we know as much about PTSD as we do now… if we did..”

“He probably wouldn’t have been sent back out for duty.” The prosecutor finished for him. “And you wouldn’t have brought him into your Commando unit.”

“Probably not no.” Steve said, lowering his head for a moment, the guilt clearly showing. “It’s one of my many regrets.”

He looked at Bucky again, and could see the pain in his eyes over the fact that Steve felt guilty about this. About not seeing just how bad off he was then. And that guilt over what happened on the train. Which they would get to shortly.

And speaking of that. “Can you tell what happened on the train?”

“He saved my ass is what happened.” Steve said with a little inward anger at himself. “I was bigger and stronger but I still got in over my head and he protected me.” He lowered his eyes for a moment, gathering himself. “He picked up my shield and got blown off the side of the train… I tried to reach him and almost did but.. he fell..”

It still hurt even now. He supposed it always would. The one time he needed him to reach him, to rescue him, he couldn’t. And there had been a part of him that had thought what was the point of being strong, of a being a hero if he couldn’t save the one person that mattered the most. His nightmares were sometimes made out of the feel his fingers just touching Bucky’s before he fell. The smallest thing could haunt you forever it seemed.

“And you thought he was dead?”

“He fell from a mountain.” Steve said with almost flat tone to hide his pain over this. “Of course we did.”

He went over his feelings on it for a moment. How no one had bothered to search for his body. How Steve had vowed at that point to take down Hydra for good. How he’d crashed into the sea talking to Peggy Carter. All of that. Leading up to why everyone was here in the first place. His eyes did a scan of everyone, resting on Bucky for a second before returning his gaze to the prosecutor in front of him.

“The next time I saw him, he didn’t even know me.” He said in a shaky voice. “He was trying to kill me.”

Remembering that moment after the adrenaline of the fight, when he pulled the mask off his attacker and the smoke cleared around them. And saw Bucky standing there, the cold emptiness in his blue eyes as he glared at him. At his target. A wave of shock going through Steve’s body as he took him in like that. Knowing his life would be same after this.

_“Bucky?” _

_The confused, slightly angry look. “Who the hell his Bucky?” _

Steve looked straight ahead, letting this memory wash over him. “Next time I saw him he was the Winter Soldier.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So not only does this chapter start up their portion of the trial but also continues with the themes in the previous one, including full disclosure, which the thing that Bucky is scared of more than anything. Disclosing details, especially to Steve is more frightening to him for understandable reasons. 
> 
> Bucky's reasons for the letting the Soldier back in I think was something that was touched on as early the the previous fic, where he immediately felt the guilt over sort of 'swallowing up' the Soldier and denying him full time with Steve. Partly over his own bizarre jealousy over it. So bringing him back, in a controlled manner helps ease his conscience a bit, but also shows a form of acceptance about it too. His mind is always going to be different and this a big thing for him to overcome.
> 
> Pam's disclosure to the court was obviously hard, and it sort of hit Bucky at that moment that he was going to have to talk about that, probably in detail he hasn't before and this very hard for him to talk about. It's hard for any victim, but Bucky has suppressed his pain for so long it's like a mental block. He needs the Soldier to help because the latter is much more able to put the feelings aside and see it sort in a detached way. So in that way, the Soldier as Steve observes, is more honest as a result. 
> 
> The sex that occurs immediately after that confession sort of is a subconcious way of him showing that in spite of what Steve just learned, it is okay and he's not hurting him. But it serves another purpose of sort of breaking down that wall as well and getting Bucky himself to admit it and allow himself to feel the pain fully, which frees him even more. It allows him as he said to 'detox' that night and be clearer for trial, which he'll need to be. 
> 
> There's a lot of sort of flashing back during the trial scenes, things that were in previous chapters as well the previous fic and in canon are providing important reminders and weaving the whole story in a way that's cathartic. It also gave me a chance to the background and background and backstories of two my OC's, Pam and Amelia, because I wanted to sort of throw that in. 
> 
> Steve's testimony will continue into the next chapter, I thought that was a good place to end it. This is gonna take a toll on Steve to recall all this, especially with the new information he has so expect that fallout a bit too now that Bucky seems to be getting stronger himself by the day. 
> 
> Like I said the next one will continue this part of trial and I'm gonna where that ends before getting into the meat of it, which is Bucky's turn on the stand, which will arduous for him, and may just be his finest moment. Now that he realizes he has all the power now, he can destroy, not with physical strength but the strength he always had inside that allowed him to survive all this.
> 
> The title of this chapter comes from a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson "What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" which I always thought was a great quote to apply to Bucky :) And considering this chapter was largely about finding your courage I thought it was appropriate. 
> 
> There will some graphic testimony when its his turn, just a heads up to you all, but i know you've all stuck with it this long and I thank you very much for that. And for all the lovely reviews and the kudos and recs to others so thanks you all and much <3<3<3  
and *hugs* to all :D


	24. Solid Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual :)

Bucky watched Steve carefully at this point, feeling both pained and strangely curious about this as wel. Because to be honest, he didn’t remember much about that chaotic time.

It had been explained by Amelia that the reason for this choppy recall at this point was simply the fact that his mind was in such flux. There was a lot of confusion when he first saw Steve and head that name. _Bucky_.. It had sounded familiar, a tiny bell in his head, connecting the name with the face. This caused the Soldier to lose focus and things became fractured and fuzzy as a result, thee line between the two halves of his mind blurring. She had stated that it was, in many ways, the way a delusional episode is remembered, with little coherent detail just confusing, fractured images. Like remembering a dream.

And the subsequent wiping had done damage to that memory too. Causing it to splinter further.

So hearing Steve talk about this strange, conflicted time in his mind was filling some blanks that strangely, he hadn’t asked about over the years. So he was learning something somewhat new and a little frightening as well.

He sat there between Amelia and Wanda, listening to Steve talk about those strange, transient time in his life. He could feel Wanda’s hand on his left shoulder and saw her occasionally glare at the Colonel from her position, and Bucky could swear he saw her eyes glow as red as her hands often did. And felt some satisfaction at how uncomfortable the bastard look under the gaze of the Scarlett Witch.

“My offer still stands.” She said in his ear one point, noticing him notice this. “Just say the word.”

Bucky smiled and put his metal arm around her back. “Don’t tempt me kid.”

On the stand Steve was asked a new question and Bucky turned his attention back to that.

“What was your first thought upon seeing him that way?”

“The first time I saw him, I didn’t know it was him.” Steve replied, his hands claps together in front of the microphone. “I just saw him as an enemy, someone I needed to defeat but once I realized it was him..” He seemed to pause for a moment, gathering his thoughts. “All of could think of was… what happened to him.. because it was him but.. his eyes were different. Colder.” And then he seemed to remember something as well. “And a little confused.. “

“What do you mean by confused?”

“I was like he almost remembered. Like he was trying to figure it out.” Steve replied, looking over at Bucky now. “I didn’t notice at the time but later.. I remembered that look.”

Bucky tried to recall this, to pull on that fragmented memory, even going into the Soldier’s memory banks to see what was there. He got a flash of a memory of Steve himself, blinking into the Soldier’s head, like a blip in his mind, which much have been confusing as hell, but also got a thought _he told us about this one_. It was a random thought that was overrun by his programming but it had been there, causing hesitation in the Soldier long enough to distract him, and had probably saved Steve’s life, because.. That idiot was just.. standing there without his shield and if it hadn’t been for Nat…

He had been this close to shooting Steve point blank and the thought terrified him now.

“How would you describe him in general at that point?”

“He was fast, strong, precise.” Steve went on to explain, and Bucky could see a flicker of sorrow in his eyes as he described his appearance. “Dressed in battle gear and just ready to kill us without a moment’s thought. That softness in his eyes wasn’t there it was like he was devoid of emotion. Except for that confusion.”

“And now you know what happened to cause that don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Steve said with anger tinging his voice as he glared in the direction of the Colonel. “I do.”

“You broke him out of it.” The prosecutor asked. “What happened then?”

“After I’d completed my mission, I pulled him out of the wreckage, and just tried to talk to him. To reason with him.”

“After he’d shot you a couple of times?”

“Yeah after that.”

Bucky felt seriously pained at this and felt Wanda’s chin on his shoulder, her hand glowing in a comforting way. Steve still had the scar on his stomach where he’d shot him, almost eerily in the same place Bucky had been stabbed by the Colonel, they’d joked they now had matching ones, but right now all Bucky cold feel was the pain of doing that. Of all the times he’d hurt Steve over the years while in the worst of this.

“I just kept trying to get through and he kept hitting me and screaming at me that he didn’t know me, but I think part of him did.” Steve continued, looking straight at Bucky now. “It was like there was a war going on his head and I could see all the pain in that conflict. Could see a shadow of him in there.”

“What finally worked?”

“I said something that was personal to us both and.. I saw something in his eyes at that moment..” He told them all, his face pinching in pain. “I saw recognition.. right before I fell into the water.. I saw Bucky in his eyes for just that moment.”

This Bucky remembered, had had flashbacks of it. Of hitting Steve over and over, his mind raging in his confusion, just wanting him to shut the fuck up. To stop confusing him, to stop the voices in his head that were talking all at once. He remembered that terrifying moment of confusion clearly even now. And those words, piercing through it like a laser pointer, hitting the memory banks like a hammer.

_Than finish it.._ he’d said at that moment _I’m with you til the end of the line.._

And his own thought as he watched him fall. _We have to save him.. _

He didn’t know why at the time, but he did. Just went with the voice, the instinct that seemed so natural. But yet so against his programming as well. It had shaken everything up inside. And that voice just got louder in his head.

“He saved your life then didn’t he?”

“He pulled me from the water.” Steve said in a voice that was still filled with some awe. “He seemed to make sure I was breathing and then.. just left.”

Bucky had a vague memory of that moment, of not knowing where he was going or even who he was that moment. Confused and unanchored. Scared. It was followed by some very fragmented memories of finding some clothes, he didn’t know how, and burning the ones he was wearing under a bridge somewhere. For warmth and for other reasons he didn’t understand then. But he did now.

He had gone unnoticed by others simply because, at that moment, he looked like the other ones living out there. Ragged people in ragged clothes who barely noticed his oddities because they were outcasts themselves. Had a memory of resting against concrete, his whole body in pain, his mind a confusion of images he needed to sort out.

Wanting to go back to them, to end the confusion but a small part of his mind had told him not to. And he listened to it. It had been right about Steve after all.

“Did you look for him when you recovered?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered. “Sam and I looked for 2 years and couldn’t find him.. He was a ghost again.” Steve seemed to look down at his hands. “He didn’t want to be found. And I had a job to do.”

Bucky had some memories of seeing Steve on tv, as he was starting to remember, a few things at a time. Of visiting the museum and seeing himself laughing with him in a video there. Reading about himself as well. And there was Steve on the news, doing incredible things, and Bucky started keeping track of him. Wondering if he was looking for him. If he even wanted to find him after all that. After what he’d become. He felt his head slipping into that place, trying to find all the memories of that time. It was hard. They were clouded in pain and confusion while his mind started to heal and repair.

All knew for sure was, Steve had been right. He hadn’t wanted to be found. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

He heard Steve describe the circumstances of their ‘reunion’. Of finding Bucky in his apartment. And Bucky remembered this. Remembered the pain he’d felt at seeing him again. Knowing he wasn’t ready yet. That probably never would’ve been. And there was the suspicion that Steve was simply there to bring him in. That he’d be bringing other with him. That he wasn’t on his side anymore. He hated those feelings now because he knew that wasn’t true. But his guilt-ridden, paranoid mind at the time wasn’t sure.

_“Do you know me?” _

_“You’re Steve.. I read about you in a museum.” _

_It had been a half truth, he had but that’s not why he knew him. And Steve knew that too. “I know you’re nervous, you got good reason to be.. but you’re lying.” _

He had felt that pang of love for him again, just looking at him standing then, his punk, but was pretty sure Steve didn’t feel that way anymore. Didn’t love him anymore. How could he? After everything he’d done. After he’d tried to kill him. God those feelings were coming back in droves and he felt Wanda’s hug him a little tighter from the side as if she could sense this in him.

“Was he himself then?”

“He wasn’t trying to kill me if that’s what you mean.” Steve told her, his eyes slightly pained. “He was just scared and ready to bolt at any minute.. and did.”

_“You pulled me from the river.. why?” _

_“I don’t know.”_

_He saw the flicker in Steve’s eyes as he looked up at him. “Yes you do.” _

This memory was clear as day, right before the chaos ensued. He remembered it. He thought now that he might have let him get closer if the others hadn’t opened fire on them right then and there. But it was done now.

He hadn’t know remembering things like this could hurt as much as they did. Seeing the way Steve looked at the moment too he knew it was hurting him as well. And all he wanted to do at that moment was to just put his arms around him and just apologize for all of this. To make him feel better again too But that had to wait.

They had called a break around that time, planning on resuming in an hour and Bucky was relived because he needed a break as well. His head was spinning with all this. As they got outside, he excused himself from the others and went to Steve.

He had a mind for some alone time with him. And he wasn’t picky about the where.

“I need your help with something.” He told him. “Just you.”

“Are you alright?” Steve asked, looking concerned. “Are you sick?”

Bucky shook his head, thinking this was typical. “No I just need you to come with me for a moment. Please?”

Grabbing his arm, he pulled him along a bathroom that he’d seen on his way in. A little out of the way, which was he wanted at that moment. And checked to make sure no one was lurking around or was inside. He then locked the outer door to ensure no one would come in and pulled Steve toward one of the stalls without a word.

“Bucky’s what’s this all abo-“

He did not get a chance to finish, Bucky threw his arms around Steve’s neck and kissed him, pulling him into the stall and locking that door behind them as well One couldn’t be too careful. Steve was surprised but adjusted quickly, his hand sliding into Bucky’s hair even as he pressed him into the door. He could feel the coolness of it against his back as Steve lifted him a little, causing his legs to do their requisite wrap around his hips like they always did. It was just so automatic he didn’t even think about it.

When their lips finally parted, they leaned their heads against each other, both of them breathing hard. “What was that for?” Steve asked, his fingers still in Bucky’s hair. “I mean not that I’m complaining or anything but..”

“Nothing really I just… needed to do it.” Bucky relied, biting his lower lip. “And I thought after that maybe you need it too.”

“I kinda did actually.” Steve agreed, his other hand flattening against Bucky’s back. “Thanks.”

Bucky then just buried his neck in Steve’s shoulder, tightening his arms around his neck trusting Steve to hold him up for a little bit longer. His mind was still a mess and he knew Steve’s was too. They needed this time, this moment, to remind themselves of what they were doing this for. To put them both back firmly into the present, instead of in that painful past where they’d hurt each other, unwillingly and unknowingly.

“I love you punk.” He whispered into Steve’s shoulder. “I love you so damn much.”

“I know jerk.” Steve said in his ear, breath tickling his neck. “I love you too.”

The smell of him, that distinct smell of Steve. Of home. It filled his nose and the feel of his hand on his back, the other holding onto his leg now as he was pressed into the door. Pushing back the pain of the memories he was just reliving. He wasn’t alone anymore. He wasn’t untethered and confused. He was here with Steve. He was alive.

And he wanted Steve to feel that too. He wanted to take care of him today and show him he was there too. That he really wasn’t going anywhere ever again. At least not without him.

“How long do we have?” He asked, nuzzling Steve’s neck as he spoke. “Until we have to.. be back.”

“A little less than an hour.” Steve answered. “Why?”

Bucky pulled back and hooded his eyes at Steve as if he was being dense. And slid his legs back down to the floor, before moving his hands down to grip his belt and start to undo it. “You look, kinda tense is all and I wanna help you with that.” He told him, staring into his eyes. “To.. you know.. release it.”

Steve seemed to get the picture almost immediately then, that look coming into his eyes. “Right here?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky answered, smiling as he got the trousers undone. “Right here.” He met Steve’s with hooded eyes, showing him what he meant with simply a look. “I know you need me..” He leaned in closer, getting his hands inside the belt of those trousers. “I can see it in your eyes.”

Steve brushed his lips over Bucky’s for a just a moment, his eyes half open. “I do..” He whispered to him, hand snaking back into his hair. “I really do..”

Bucky could see the pain floating under that look, the need for a tension release. The need to claim him all over again after having to pull out all those feelings on the stand. He knew it all hurt him and he wanted to give himself to him to help soothe that pain. Thinking he might spend the rest of the day just taking care of his punk. To be whatever he needed him to be today.

“I’m here for you punk.” He said softly as their lips came closer together, his tongue skated softly over Steve’s lips as he spoke. “Whatever you need.”

His lips were claimed in another deep kiss, moaning against his lips as he was spun and pressed against the side wall of the stall, both of them knowing the door would never hold them. And they were too damn polite to wantonly destroy property that wasn’t theirs. Bucky wrapped his hand around the tie Steve was wearing and yanked it a little, letting a little growl out as well.

“I like this tie Steive..” He breathed against his lips. “I really do.”

Steve growled against his lips, undoing Bucky’s jeans as well. “Glad you approve sweetheart.”

Steve then tore his lips away and turned him around to face the wall and Bucky felt his own pants tugged down, just enough for practicality. He laid his own hands flat against the cool wall, feeling Steve’s breath on his neck, feeling his need as he pressed more against it. Well beyond the point of no return now.

Strong hands were on his hips and in one quick move he was inside him, and Bucky forgot where he was. Which was the point all along wasn’t it?

“My Bucky..” Steve growled in his ear as he held him like that. “My beautiful Soldier..” He nipped his neck, causing him to whine. “Mine…”

Those words rang in his ears, to his soul like nothing other. Touching the Solider in his head. Because at the moment he was both. He was whatever Steve needed him to be and he needed both. Needing to claim as his again And he was his. In every way possible.

He moaned as Steve began to rock against him, his fingers scraping against the wall, the metal making a satisfying noise as they did. He could even see some paint peeling as well, leaving a mark in it. A small malicious part of him hoped that bastard could hear them. Could that he belonged to Steve, always had and always would.

“Yes… we are yours..” He moaned, lapsing into the Soldier pattern of speech in the heat of the moment. His flesh hand reaching back to grab Steve’s hair as he pushed his own body back against him. “Our Steve.”

They used their time quite well, and were thankfully, not interrupted at all. And Bucky made quite a few scratches in the wall, his cries off the tiles and back to his own ears. He even forgot where he was for a little bit, only aware of Steve ad his own pleasure.

It was time well spent in his opinion.

\--

Steve was fixing his pants and watched Bucky, leaning against the wall with a relaxed look of satisfaction on his face. His pants were still sort of hanging off his hips a little, showing some sweet skin to Steve’s longing eyes as he gazed at him. Just wanting to fasten his lips to it and devour him just like that.

“Damnit punk..” He said in a breathless voice, his face flushed, eyes sparkling. “We should do this more often.”

Steve smirked at him as he straightened his shirt and tie. “You think so?”

“Uh huh..” Bucky answered, pursing those oh so kissable lips cutely. “Feels like a need a damn cigarette and I don’t even smoke anymore.”

Steve walked over and slid his arms around Bucky’s waist, hooking his fingers into the belt loops as he did. Bucky lifted his arms around his neck and nuzzled his face softly. “Glad you enjoyed it jerk.” He told him, his thumbs in the beltloops, fingers pressing softly into the top of his ass. “So did I.. You were right.. we definitely needed that.”

He hadn’t realized just tense he’d been, how pent up, until Bucky had kissed him. And then unbuckled his belt. How much he wanted to just plow into him and release all of it. Had realized how much pain he’d been in about all of it himself until he had talk about it. Bucky had known, had sensed what he needed and pulled him into it, giving him his body to remind him he was here, and he was never going away again.

“Nothing like a quickie in the bathroom right?” Bucky said to him, , his metal fingers playing in Steve’s hair. “To blow out all the gunk and clear the air.”

Steve raised an eyebrow in mock offense. “Quickie?”

“You know what I mean punk.” Bucky replied with a playful look in his eyes. “And you never half-ass anything even when we are crunched for time.”

Steve gripped him a little tighter, pressing against him as he did. “Well I do aim to please Sergeant.”

They nuzzled their face together and stood like that for a moment. He knew they had plenty of time. He’d set the timer on his phone so they wouldn’t be late getting back so he took a little more time to breathe. Thinking about their tension release session and the loud way Bucky had moaned and scratched the wall with his metal fingers they fucked. There was a mark on next to his head that made him smile in the satisfied way for a job well done.

“Think anyone heard us?” He asked curiously, lowering his head and nuzzling Bucky’s neck softly. “Cause I mean you were kinda loud..”

“It was just echoing off the tiles punk don’t worry.” Bucky replied, smiling beautifully at him. “And so what if anyone did? They’re a little looser in this country if I recall.”

Steve pulled Bucky’s pants back up gently over his hips and letting his fingers graze that exposed skin almost reverently. Once again feeling the urge to sink his teeth into that flesh “Ture.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes flutter at the touch of his fingers as he continued to lean against the wall. Steve just let his hands rest there, nuzzling Bucky’s neck even more, smelling that salty post-coital smell that he loved so much. Feeling all this ground him as well, taking him away from the memories he’d had to relive as well.

It had hurt to talk about it. To talk about seeing Bucky that way. The confusion and brainwashed menace in his eyes. Having him here like that, looking at him with clear eyes now after they’d just made love, reminded him of how far they’d come since then. He let his thumbs just stroke his skin under his shirt and looked in his eyes now, deep into those teal beauties.

“You okay?” Bucky asked after a moment of gazing at Steve. “I was little worried.”

“Yeah.” Steve told him, leaning against him a little. “I wasn’t then but I am now.”

Bucky bit his lip, his hands on Steve’s face now. “I’m sorry punk.”

“For what?”

“For what I put you through.” He answered, closing his eyes tightly. “For what I’m still putting you through.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve said softly in return. “I’d walk through hell for you if I had to.” He turned his face and nuzzled Bucky’s. “Your worth it to me.”

He then leaned in kissed him again, feeling Bucky’s hands, metal and flesh, slide onto his neck as he did. Felt those precious lips part as they breathed each other in. He was thinking about those years of fruitless searching, of dead ends. Not knowing where Bucky was. Whether he was free of them or not. If he was even still alive. Spending many a night thinking about this, agonizing until Sam told him to get some damn sleep.

Knowing he was out there and unable to find him was worse than him being dead. It drove him crazy. It was a trauma he was still dealing with, being awakened yet again by testifying now. And he knew Bucky knew this, could sense it. And was holding him together. They were helping each other heal. It was why he pulled him in here when he did. To care of him in his own way he realized.

Bucky himself was getting stronger, right when Steve needed him to be. It made his heart flutter in his chest.

Releasing his lips, he slid to his knees, deciding he wanted to taste the flesh in the short time they had left before having to go back. He pushed up Bucky’s shirts and fastened his lips to his stomach, just below the scar left there. He felt Bucky’s hands in his hair, wrapping around his head as leaned against the wall.

“God I missed you then.” He murmured against his skin. “I missed you so much.”

He felt Bucky moan softly, his fingers still stroking Steve’s hair. “I’m here now punk.”

Steve purred against his skin in response, taking the little time he had left to leave another mark on his skin. To continue to private moment a little longer. He pressed his face in Bucky’s stomach and let him hold him there like that, his arms, metal and flesh, wrapped around his head for as long as they had time for.

Then he felt the phone buzz in his pocket, shaking him out of the moment reluctantly “We should get back out there before they coming looking for us.” He finally said, letting Bucky help him to his feet. “Think they’ll notice?”

“C’mon punk they know us by now.” Bucky told him, butting his head against Steve’s for a moment. “They know exactly what we were doing in here.”

He was pretty sure Bucky was right on that. And if their friends did know, they didn’t say anything. Except for a few knowing smiles. Steve gathered himself, knowing he’d have to go the rest of the way today. But feeling a bit stronger now. A bit more steady than he had earlier.

Climbing back up to the stand again, he was ready to take more questions. His eyes fixed on Bucky. Both of them sharing a look that anyone in that audience could decipher. Even the asshole in the accused area. They were in love and they were pulling strength off each other. They were a force to be reckoned with.

He was asked about Berlin, about what had happened in Siberia and did his best to explain without going into the ‘why’s’ too much. About Bucky’s physical recovery in Wakanda and his subsequent incarceration in the government medical facility. Stating only what he himself knew. Only Bucky could fill in the gaps on that.

“How was he treated at this hospital?”

“I didn’t get to see him so I didn’t know how he was doing until a finally got in there.” Steve told them, a little bitterly too, recalling this. “It took months in court to finally get in there and when I did he was a mess again. Had regressed.” He actually clenched his jaw a little at this. “There were track marks on his arm like during the war, bruises where he’d been strapped down and I couldn’t get him to talk about for a long time.”

“But he finally did right?”

“Yeah.” Steve answered. “He did, in a way.”

That was fairly recent too. He did his best to explain what he’d learned, but decided to let Bucky fill in the rest of that. He talked about bringing him home finally, when he was finally released and was asked his overall state of mind during that time as well. Which was hard, and very personal for Steve to answer but he did. Because he knew this would help Bucky for it to be known.

“When he first got home, he wouldn’t sleep in the same room as me.” Steve went on to explain. “He was hyper-alert and paranoid. He even kept a bag under the porch in case he had to make a hasty retreat. He didn’t feel safe.”

Remembering those early days were difficult too. The way Bucky’s eyes constantly seemed to be watching every angle in the room. Memorizing means of escape, even as he was trying so desperately to renew his relationship with Steve as well. And there were the other behaviors as well.

“He didn’t sleep well, and when he did, he had nightmares. Bad ones.” He told them. “Sometimes he still does, and I have hold him down on the bed because he struggles so much he sometimes falls off.” He gave Bucky a look, with a soft smile, seeing the look on his face. “It doesn’t happen as often now though.”

“He had other issues when he slept too right?”

“Yeah.. he’d have seizures and when he’d wake he was.. someone else.” He said , knowing he was getting into the nitty gritty here. “He was the Soldier and behave erratically as a result.”

“And dangerously?”

Steve nodded, once again, not wanting to talk about the personal stuff but knew he had to. “He’d sometimes pull a weapon on me because he was scared or confused yes.”

“Did he ever hurt you?”

“Yes but..” Steve started and hesitated, meeting Bucky’s eyes again, who was sitting stoically. “He didn’t mean to. “ He gathered himself to finish this statement. “I woke up with his.. hand around my neck once.”

“What happened after that?”

“He woke up in the middle of it and.. he didn’t handle it well.”

“Can you explain that?”

Steve kept his eyes locked on Bucky’s as he talked. “He cut his wrist..” He said in as steady of voice as he could muster. “He said later it was because he hurt me.. that he was scared of himself.”

That had been a terrible night, one that he still had a hard time thinking about. When he’d first learned of the abuse and Bucky’s even more erratic behavior started to make sense. When he’d felt that hand on his neck, unable to breathe. Bucky’s eyes when he came to and then.. Him sitting on the floor, crying and holding his bleeding wrist. It had been the stuff of nightmares, tinged with the despair. It had marked them both for a long time.

“Did either of those things ever happen again?”

“No.” Steve said with surety. “He got help after that.”

He had to go on and explain what dealing with someone with PTSD and a dissociative personality disorder was like from the standpoint of a partner and spouse. It seemed it was very moving to the people there. He could actually the pained reactions of people in the gallery. It painted a very sad but also very inspiring picture of what it was like to love someone and be so that devoted to them in the face of it all.

It was Bucky’s looks that were more important to him then though.

When the questions turned to the incident with the Colonel that’s when the tenseness in his voice showed. Talking about the letter sent to him, the veiled threat and Bucky’s reaction to it. How that fight or flight complex reared its ugly head. Causing him to act the way he did. Explaining the irrational behavior perfectly.

“He was defending us.” Steve explained to anyone who was confused. “Defending me.”

He told them about how hysterical Bucky was in the moment, pointing a gun and screaming at the man. And when they finally got him under control, that he was seriously injured as well. Steve actually became emotional at this point, remembering his feelings at that moment. How Bucky had nearly died right in his arms. And was hooked up to a ventilator for a week after.

“The defendant said you paid him a visit.” The woman asked, getting to the point. “Why?”

“Just to let him know what I would do if he ever laid a hand on him again.” Steve said with a hard look in his eyes. “And I meant that.”

“Did he make any admission to you while you were there?”

“In a way.” He answered, his fingers flexing on bannister by the microphone. “He hinted at what he’d done to him.” He then clenched his jaw a little tighter. “I won’t repeat it here.”

“You don’t have to.” The prosecutor said sympathetically. “All I need to ask is did he tell you in any way that the alleged rape committed on Sergeant Barnes actually happened.”

Steve once again made hostile eye contact with that bastard. “In so many words, yes.”

He was relieved that he wasn’t asked to go into detail. Sadly he knew that part was up to Bucky to talk about when he was up here. And if Steve had to do it, he might not have been able to control his urge to leap over everything and kill the man right there. It was hard enough as it was having that man in his vicinity without having to relate the things he now knew.

“Lastly, what you think the proper punishment would be for this man in this organization?”

He thought about everything Bucky had been through, all the operations and the torture and abuse. The brainwashing until he didn’t know who he was. All the suffering he’d watched him go through and knew what his answer would be to that.

“I’m my opinion.” He stated with conviction. “They should all die. But hell’s too good for them. I’ll settle for putting him and the others in a deep, dark hole for the rest of what’s left of their lives They took so much from him, hurt him so bad and they deserve no less than that.”

Getting those feeling out had felt so good. To just show his anger and hatred for them so plainly. It felt like a lifted burden to put that blame squarely where it belonged. And when he was dismissed finally, he looked at Bucky with relief, knowing this part was over for him.

“C’mon punk.” Bucky told him, taking his hand as he came up to him. “Let’s get you back to the hotel.”

It sounded like a good idea to him to be honest. It was the closest they would get to actual home for a while. He just wanted to spend the rest of the night, and the next day, which was an off day, with Bucky.

“Yeah.” He told him, allowing himself to be pulled out of the courtroom. “Let’s get outta here jerk.”

\--

Bucky sat behind Steve on the bed as he drew, watching him over his shoulder like Steve did with him when he painted. He loved watching him draw, always had. The way the simple lines of the pencil created an image right out of his head. He had never understood how art had worked before. That was until he started doing art himself.

After a rough day of testimony, it was nice to just relax like this.

He nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck gently as to not distract him, just smelling him again. Bucky loved the way Steve smelled after taking a shower. He liked the way he smelled all the time if he was being honest but for some reason, the smell of the soap on his skin just felt so.. normal and domestic.

Bucky was finding he liked that a lot. That sense of normalcy.

Arya had plopped herself down next to where Bucky’s leg was stretched out around Steve’s and this just added a homey touch to their stay in the hotel room. And it caused Bucky to bury his face in Steve’s shoulder and take another deep inhale and smile to himself.

“Are you smelling me Sergeant Barnes?”

Bucky grinned even more at being caught. “So what if I am?” He asked, his hands playing on Steve’s amazing abs. “I like the way you smell Captain.”

“Oh yeah?” Steve asked, turning his head slightly. “What do I smell like?”

“Captainish.” He said playfully into his ear. “Very heroic and manly.”

He heard Steve chuckle at that. “Is that all?”

Bucky smiled against his shoulder and did his best to try and define the smell in words. He could see it in his head. “You also smell like Coney Island in the summer.” He began, letting it fill him with the good vibes again. “Like fireworks bursting in the sky.. like laying on the couch watching stupid movies.” He turned his head on Steve’s shoulder and laid it there. “Like riding our bikes through the farmland at top speed with the wind in my hair.” He held him a little tighter and took another inhale. “You smell like home punk.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his flesh one, feeling the wedding ring on it as he did. “So do you jerk.” He whispered back to him. “So do you.”

Bucky smiled again and looked over his shoulder, seeing the drawing was of course him. So life-like it was almost heartbreaking. It hit him again the thought that maybe he didn’t deserve him. Those thoughts still sometimes came randomly to him and he did his best to shove them aside. To not listen to that voice. Because it sounded an awful lot like the people he’d escaped from so long ago.

_You are nothing but a machine. An asset. No one cares for you but us. _

But here he was, feeling the proof in his heart that that that entire statement was false. It was lifting him with the fortitude to keep going, to keep powering through this. Knowing it would be painful, like pulling a scab off a wound and letting it bleed more. But it would heal. They always did. And become just another scar he’d learn to live with.

And right now, he just wanted to look after Steve as well. Knowing this was already very hard on him. And was going to get harder when Bucky took the stand in a couple of days. When he would recount all of it and Steve would have to absorb it all. They had a day in between, tomorrow being Sunday, and this gave Bucky an idea.

“Since we have the day off tomorrow why don’t we take a drive?” He suggested, his fingers playing on Steve’s chest now. “You know… see the countryside cause I hear it’s pretty nice out there.”

Steve turned his head again, a little surprised by the suggestion. “You really wanna do that?”

“Why not?” Bucky answered, resting his chin back on Steve’s shoulder. “We could use the fresh air instead of being cooped up in here.” He scooted himself just a little closer, pressing his chest against Steve’s back. “You could use the break.”

He saw Steve put the pencil down and get a thoughtful look on his face. “I’m okay Buck.”

“So you say.” Bucky answered, shaking his head. “But I know you punk.. I know it’s getting to you.”

Steve closed the sketchbook and putting the pencil on top of it, put it on the table near the bed. Bucky could feel those chest muscles stretch under his hands, and still felt amazed that his little punk was this big and strong now. That he was so healthy now. But he hadn’t changed in other ways. Was still suborn as a mule about things like this.

“I just.. think about all that time you were gone and.. I knew you were out there.” Steve explained, absently patting Arya as leaned back against Bucky’s chest a little more. “I wondered what was happening to you..i if you were suffering. If you were still with them, or if you were even still alive.” He took a shuddering sigh. “It kept me awake at night thinking about that. “ His hand wrapped around Bucky’s metal one, entwining their fingers together. “Just wondering if you were okay.”

Bucky kissed his shoulder, thinking about how much that must’ve hurt. Thinking about Steve looking out a window, or staring at ceiling somewhere, not getting any sleep over him. Remembering himself, sleeping on a mattress with a sleeping bag on it, under a low lamp that he kept on because the dark was, well terrifying. Full of lurking monsters, real or imagined.

Memories of Steve popping back randomly into his head. Remembering feeling safe and loved. But thinking that feeling wasn’t for him anymore. That maybe this was his life. Watching from afar, getting fruit at the market and trying to put himself back together again all alone. Until Steve had found him that was.

“I never stopped looking for you.” Steve told him, pulling his hand tighter around his own chest. “I just ran out of leads.” He saw him smile sadly from the angle he was at. “You were always good at hide and seek.”

“It’s easy when you don’t wanna be found punk.” Bucky told him, lifting his flesh hand to play with his hair. “It’s very easy to disappear when you want to.”

“I know Buck.” Steve said softly. “I know you needed to do that. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.”

Bucky felt the pain of that very strongly. As if he he’d hurt him physically. And many ways he had. It caused him shift and slide around Steve until he was facing him, with his knees between Steve’s. Putting his hands on his face, pressed his head against his, squeezing his eyes shut, holding it like that for a moment.

“I’m sorry I Steve.” He apologized, feeling Steve’s hands around his waist. “I swear you’ll never have to wonder again cause I’m always gonna be here.”

He kissed him then, not letting him answer, his hands still holding his face as he pushed him backwards a little and laid him down on the bed. He could feel Steve’s hands holding him to him, stirring his body, fueling an urge to take care of him. To show him how sorry he was that he’d hurt him in that way. Because he had, no matter what Steve said, Bucky knew he’d gone through hell wondering about him. And then watching him suffer like he did for so long when he was back.

He pulled Steve’s shirt off and took his time just lavishing attention on his skin, feeling the need to make up for all of this again. He could feel Steve’s hands in his hair, gripping it softly, sighs increasing, breath quickening aa Bucky’s hands found Steve’s shorts and pulled them off slowly and soon they were both undressed. Naked to each other in every way.

“I just realized something.” Steve said in a breathy voice as he looked up at Bucky with those sky blue eyes. “I didn’t tell you what you smell like to me.”

Bucky smiled down at him, feeling his other hand trail over the scar tissue on his shoulder. “What do I smell like?”

“You smell like being on the roof on a hot night.” Steve told him, smiling as he did. “Like baseball games at Ebbett’s. Of ice cream at Rockaway Beach.” His fingers gripping his hair a little tighter. “Of making love under the dock for the first time.” He pulled his lips closer. “You smell like that to me.”

Bucky smiled himself as he was kissed again, his hands finding Steve’s hips and pulling them against him. He fully planned on making love to him again. Now that he wasn’t afraid to anymore. To show him again how much he loved him too. To take care of his punk they way he’d always done for him too.

He slid in, groaning at the feel of it again. He loved being inside Steve as much as he loved Steve being inside him. Feeling like they were joined on a whole new level now. He pulled his lips away and looked down at him, feeling that love and special kind of intimacy he’d only known with him as he held him there for a moment.

And then he slowly began to move against him, rocking softly and listening to the sweet sounds he made as he did. Feeling Steve’s strong thighs wrap around his as he braced himself on the bed and pushed harder against him, slowly building it up. Wanting to take his time tonight.

Steve’s hand got a hold of his hair again, that firm grip, flexing with every thrust Bucky gave him. The feel of it just drove him further, always loving that roughness. But what Bucky saw as he watched him was the same beautiful look on his face as he had the first time, which filled with such deep love he could barely contain himself.

“You’re so.. beautiful.. punk.” He breathed, emphasizing every word with a thrust. “I… love… you..”

Steve eyes flashed and he used his grip on Bucky’s hair to pull him into a kiss, wrapping his other arm around his scarred shoulder, fingers half on the metal and half on the flesh. He moaned a response to that Bucky just took into him. He knew what he was saying. He knew his punk loved him.

There was never any doubt in his mind anymore about that. And never would be.

\--

Steve lay on his stomach, letting Bucky take care of him now. Feeling that pleasantness that came from their sweet lovemaking. Already feeling a better, even if just for now. And was really warming to the idea of taking a ride the next day.

Bucky’s talented mouth was certainly helping too. And the feel of those metal fingers tracing the muscles of his thigh as he continued to pleasure him sweetly in the afterglow.

He felt Bucky nuzzle his face against one of his cheeks when he was done and smiled, feeling those brown locks tickling his skin and the cool metal of his dog tags bumping against his other tthigh. He sighed, laying his head on the pillow sideways, feeling a bit sleepy now.

“Let’s take that ride tomorrow.” Steve said in a thoughtful voice. “Why not enjoy ourselves a little right?”

Bucky finished his attentiveness to Steve’s hindquarters and slid up next to him on the bed. “I guess it’s settled then punk.” He purred against his shoulder blade as he trailed his hand up and down his back. “Just you and me and the countryside.”

“What about Arya?” Steve asked, seeing her laying on the pillow not far from his head sleeping. “She staying here?”

“Countryside isn’t exactly a safe place for here and I ain’t leaving her in the car.” Bucky said, pressing his lips into Steve’s back now. “She can stay with Auntie Wanda.. one less thing we gotta worry about.”

“Alright then.” Steve mused to himself, feeling Bucky’s hand absently trail over his back. “Just you and me.”

He then saw Bucky roll onto his back now and rest his head on his flesh arm, and Steve used the opportunity to lay his head on his shoulder, the left one, and nuzzle the scar tissue a little more as he did. He could feel the metal fingers of that arm playing in his hair as he did. They even entwined their feet together and just laid like that for a little bit.

Steve felt so relaxed at that moment, like he could sleep for days. He let his hand glide lazily up and down Bucky’s side onto his chest, his hand resting on his tags and sort of just wrapped them up in his hand. Remembering the originals back in the day, when he’d pulled him out of that place, already wrecked from war and imprisonment, the way they’d fallen on the open chest his chest and moved as he walked. Of wrapping them in his hands like this as they made love then too in secret places. Keeping their connection while still in the fog of war.

Hydra had destroyed the originals, or discarded them. Like they’d tried to do with everything good in his life. It made him angry to still think of that.

He pulled them slightly to turn Bucky’s head to his and kissed him softly while still holding them in his hand, running his fingers over the raised name on them. His name. He felt Bucky turn slightly, putting both his hands in Steve’s hair and return the kiss, his lips parting as he did. It lasted a minute or two before they finally pulled apart and they lay with their faces close together like that for a few minutes more.

“Where did you go?” Steve asked, a question he’d wanted to ask for a long time. “When you left me by the river?” He opened his eyes to see Bucky open his as well. “Do you remember?”

“Yeah.. kinda.” Bucky answered, scrunching his face a little as if to recall it. “I think I slept under a bridge or something.. got myself a change of clothes and.. “ He took a heavy breath. “I burnt the ones I’d wearing.. you know to keep warm.”

Steve remembered it had been a little chilly that time of year, but also knew he didn’t just burn them to keep warm. It might been a subconscious choice on his part too. Reasons he didn’t understand at the time. Which led him to another question, not wanting to dwell just yet on him holing up like that, like the homeless people that were out there, the ones people just stepped over and ignored. Going completely unnoticed in all the chaos of the world.

“You didn’t go back to them?”

“No but.. “ Bucky answered, biting his lip. “I wanted to.. I was confused and hurt and part of me just wanted them to take that away again.” His metal fingers played in Steve’s hair as he talked. “But something kept me from finding any of them.. told that I needed more information first.”

“Is that when you went to the museum?”

Bucky had mentioned this causally before. Not just in Romania but in their daily lives as well. He’d mention going to the Smithsonian, but Steve didn’t remember them ever going there together so he’d assumed it had been then. That that was the museum he was referring to when he found him.

_You’re Steve.. I read about you in a museum._

Bucky confirmed this by nodding. “I’d seen it when wandering by some tv’s. A news broadcast about you and they were outside that place. Mentioned the exhibit.” He explained, his eyes far away as if searching for these memories. “It wasn’t hard to find and you could just.. walk in..” He lifted his eyes back to Steve’s. “And I saw you.. and me.. together.. saw the name you’d called me on a plague with my picture on it.” He smiled almost sadly at that. “And I started remembering more things.”

“How long were there?” Steve asked, because they never actually had this conversation before strangely enough. “In DC I mean?”

“I waited until I saw that you got out of the hospital.” Bucky told him, looking a little sad at this too. “You said you were my friend and I wanted to.. make sure you’d be okay before I left..”

He’d told him that they were friends, not wanting to confuse him further at that moment with the nature of their relationship just then. He was just trying to get through to him at that point. But the pang hit him that he’d stayed around not just for research but for him too. That that protective part of Bucky was in there, showing itself even then, when his mind was a wreck and he still wasn’t sure who he was. That part of his mind told him to stay until he was sure Steve was alright. And to not go back to them either. Bucky, as the Soldier, as confused as he was, had listened to that voice. Had trusted it.

“What about you?” Steve asked after a minute of taking this in. “You were hurt too.”

Bucky gave him sort of a half-smile. “I’ve had worse.” He told him, like he always did to downplay his injuries. “I fixed them myself. Put my shoulder back in cause.. I knew how to do it.”

Steve let go of his tags and put his hand on Bucky’s right shoulder, the one he’d dislocated just to get that chip out of his hand. And even then, he hadn’t let go he remembered. He’d had to hurt him quite a bit just get him to relent even a little and thought later about just how much pain he and the Soldier could endure and still move forward with their mission with such intensity. And he knew why they could now. Which made that anger roll through him again, along with the sadness that he’d had to hurt him then. Even though he knew inside that he didn’t have a choice.

“I’m sorry about that.” He whispered, leaning over and nuzzling that shoulder.

“You had to Steve.” Bucky told him, his metal hand wrapping around his neck now. “If you hadn’t a lot of people would’ve died.” He rested his chin on Steve’s head then. “That was more important.”

“I know but.” He answered, wrapping an arm around him to nuzzle into that shoulder more. “I just hate that I had to hurt you like that.”

Bucky seemed to pull him into his arms and hold him like that. Sensing that Steve was feeling all kinds of emotional right now. And he letting himself feel these things too. He hadn’t taken as much time to deal with his own trauma because he’d been so focused on taking care of Bucky. But he was starting to feel it now. All of it. Having to talk about it all was opening the gates up and letting a torrent out. He understood why Bucky had suggested just taking a ride in the country tomorrow. He needed it.

“That wasn’t your fault either Steve.” Bucky whispered into his hair. “You didn’t hurt me cause you wanted to.. They forced your hand on that went they put me in front of you like that.” Steve could hear conviction in his voice when he said this. “They’re the ones to blame.”

Steve nodded into his shoulder, gripping his tighter around the back. “I know it’s just.” He started but paused to take a deep inhale. Before letting the breath out. “Seeing you like that hurt so much cause that wasn’t you.. they’d hurt you that much and I just felt..”

“You’re not responsible Steve.” Bucky cut in, not letting him finish that thought. He in fact, picked his face up and held it in his hands firmly. “Don’t let them do that to you.. don’t let them win like that punk you hear me?”

He’d said things like that to Bucky on many occasions and to hear his own words thrown back like that was stunning and somewhat clarifying. No matter how many times he’d been told it wasn’t his fault, he still couldn’t stop blaming himself. But he’d realized Bucky was right, if he did that, he let those bastards off the hook. If Bucky could finally understand that after all this time, maybe he could too.

And it was at that moment that he really noticed that Bucky seemed stronger than he was now. It was quite a realization to make how that had happened. One of them always seemed to be strong when the other needed them to be. Like an ebb and flow that continuously adapted to the situation.

“I hear you.” He said after a few moments. “I’m trying too.”

“Good.” Bucky answered, his teal blue eyes softening a little more. “Cause I love your dumb ass punk.” He pulled Steve’s face closer his own. “And I won’t let them mess with you like they messed with me.”

That statement made him feel protected now. And he loved when Bucky got protective of him too, it turned him on to be honest. So Steve just pulled him the rest of the way after that, pressing his body to his, feeling those tags press against his own chest. Those metal fingers dig into his hair and grip it hard as their tongues moved softly against each other. As he laid Bucky on his back now and pressed him into the mattress just like that.

“God I love you too jerk.” He whispered against Bucky’s lips, before separating to stare down into those beautiful eyes. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Bucky grinned, wrapping his leg around Steve’s thigh. “You wouldn’t have made it past 10 punk that’s what.”

Steve just laughed at the truth in that statement and took his lips again in another fierce kiss. Spending the rest of their night just enjoying all the comfort they had to offer each other after a long day.

\--

Bucky was never big on windmills, but he had to admit this was a hell of a sight.

They had parked on the side of the road in the countryside to take a break, and the view was spectacular. There was a row of windmills surrounded by rows of different colored flowers. And beyond the windmills was an inlet lake. It was like something out of a classic painting, the variety of colors with the backdrop of the blue sky and fluffy clouds, would be enough to overwhelm the senses just a bit.

He turned and saw Steve taking a picture of course. Bucky often wondered what the memory capacity on his phone was because he was pretty sure most of it was taken up by pictures, mostly of him. But he didn’t blame him for taking this picture. This was something.

Was thinking he might paint it when the got back. Was feeling the creative urge.

He’d continued to be captivated by the view to the point where he didn’t notice that Steve had left his side and was now behind him, until he felt his arms around him and those lips on his neck. He smiled thinking he was pretty sure his hair was in Steve’s face, seeing as how he hadn’t put it up today. But his punk didn’t seem to mind, his hands clasped around Bucky’s waist.

“This was a good idea.” Steve said in his ear. “And it’s a hell of a view.”

“Yeah.” Bucky agreed, entwining his fingers into Steve’s. “I do have some good ones sometimes.”

The air was fresh out here, away from the confines of the city and the stress. The Netherlands was a beautiful country no doubt about it. Very big on color variety, not just in their plants but in their homes and building. They’d passed many on their way out here and he’d felt a sense of peace as he stood here with Steve’s arms around him from behind.

Steve then turned them both so they were facing away and Bucky realized why. He wanted a selfie with that view in the background. Bucky rolled his eyes at this and it kind of showed up in the picture, adding a touch of humor to it. Steve would eventually enlarge it and have it framed and put on their wall of memories they were making. Bucky himself eventually grew to love it as well.

Then Bucky smiled and turned around, using the opportunity to tackle Steve right on the ground. Into the grass next to the flowers, kissing him as he did. Leaning over he pulled his lips away and smiled, loving the way Steve’s hand instantly gone for his hips as he straddled him the grass, a row of those colored flowers mere inches from his head.

“What was that for?” Steve asked, grinning himself as he lay under him.

“Just felt like it punk.” Bucky answered, his hair hanging in his face. “I kinda like you like this.”

Steve’s hand slid up his leg a little. “Is that so Sergeant?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky told him, leaning over and bracing himself on the ground. “Proves no matter how big you are I can still take you down Captain.”

Steve just gave him a husky look and reached up to grab his hair, pulling him back down to kiss him again. As he did, his other arm wrapped around Bucky’s waist and promptly flipped him onto his back, and now they were right next to the flowers. Bucky could smell them in his nostrils, a beautiful, relaxing scent as he lay in the grass, still kissing Steve just like that.

“How about that.” Steve purred into his ear as he pulled his lips away. “I got you now.”

Bucky grinned, getting a solid grip on his shirt. “Only cause I let you punk.”

Wrestling had always been one of their favorite games as kids. One-upmanship had been key part of play. But ass they’d gotten older and their relationship changed it became a fun form of foreplay as well. Bucky wasn’t sure if this one was just competitive play or if it was that, but either way it was fun to still play that game. Made him feel younger again. Less burdened, at least for the moment.

He felt Steve’s hands slide over his shoulders and up his arms, finding his hands and holding them gently to the ground under them as he lavished a little attention on Bucky’s neck. With his hands pinned like that he looked up at the cloud spattered blue sky, under the growing shadow of the windmill, feeling a strange gratitude for just being here now. For being free and alive like his.

After a while, Steve let go of his hands and laid down next to him, leaning on his elbow. Looking like a damn dream in a denim jacket over a dark shirt, his other hand brushing Bucky’s wind-blown hair softly. Bucky just gazed at him for a moment, feeling the sappiest look of love on his face and not caring at all. It was better than the shadows that sometimes filled his mind these days.

Thinking about Steve yesterday and how much pain he’d really been in over all of it. How he was finally starting to let that show more. To allow his own vulnerability to show too.

“You okay?” Steve asked him, breaking him out of those thoughts.

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, giving him another winning smile. “How could I not be right now?”

“It’s a big day tomorrow that’s all.” Steve reminded him. “Just wonder how you’re feeling about it.”

Bucky took a deep in inhale of the fresh air and the scent of the flowers before answering. “Honestly.. I’m trying not to think about it too much.” He answered honestly. “It’s the only way I can keep it together you know?”

Steve just continued to stroke his hair gently, and Bucky let the softness of the touch, combined with the surroundings, loosen him a little and allow the tenseness of those thoughts to go out of his muscles. He let his fingers flex on the grass under his hands and closed his eyes, wanting to absorb this peace and bring it with him tomorrow. Where he wouldn’t have anyone next to him, and would have to do it on his own.

“You’re stronger than you think Buck.” Steve told him, and Bucky could feel his thumb on his cheek, brushing it softly. “You’ll get through it I know you will.”

He had been told it was likely to take 2 or 3 days just to get all his testimony. It would be grueling. And the fact that it was tomorrow that he would have to start, was creeping up on him, into his mind. But the peace of this moment was also creeping in too, allowing his mind to expand and open new channels of memory he was going to need. Because he was also told that his testimony was going to have the most impact as well. It was his story to tell. And he needed to be clear for that.

So he continued to just keep his eyes closed, utilizing the other senses to find the memories he needed to find in order to tell that story.

Such as the smell of antiseptic and the feel of the saw cutting through his arm bone. Of the gag in his mouth as he tried to scream from the pain. The feeling of invasion, feeling the needles, and their hands and instruments inside his body, attaching nerves to wires. Of straining against the restraints that held him down. Of the stuff they’d given him changing his body in painful new ways.

The feeling of being struck with such force it broke his nose, tasting his own blood in his mouth, because his nose was so clogged with it. Of having his hair grabbed violently as he was tossed around. Of the taste in his mouth as he was forced to take someone into it in exchange for less pain.

Of the electricity coursing through his body, of their words invading his mind, fracturing it further along a more and more defined jagged line in his head. Between the weak part and the strong part. Suppressing the former in favor of the later as a way of protection.

The Colonel, reeking of vodka as he chained him to the post to just.. hurt him further.

The smell of blood of burning flesh. Something he became very familiar with during missions as well.

Bucky let the tremble go through his body as some of these memories poured in. His hand clutched the grass under it, using it and Steve’s touch as a way to ground him as he travelled in his head. Smelling the flowers and the fresh air as well.

Finally he just reached his metal hand up and found Steve’s hair with it, turning blindly toward him as he pulled him to him. Pulled a kiss to his lips, letting the shudder go through his body again. Steve’s arm wrapped around him, pulling up into his arms and holding him to him. And Bucky was happy to go into those arms, pulling his lips away and burying his face in his shoulder.

“You’re okay.” Steve whispered to him, wrapping his hand around the back of his head. “I got you.”

Bucky nodded against his shoulder. He sure did. Always had.

He lifted his head and kissed him again, this time with even more intensity than before. Practically knocking him onto the ground again as he did. He was straddling him with his legs, feeling Steve’s hands in the back pockets of his jeans, gripping him tight and he wanted to claim another space as theirs. And scream his pleasure to the wind as he did. And expel the tension as well. No one helped them release that more than each other.

“The windmills..” He asked curiously, his hands planted in the grass next to Steve’s head. “They’re not manned right?”

“As far as I know they aren’t.” Steve answered, looking curious at the sudden question. “Why the sudden interest?”

Bucky leaned over further, eliciting a groan from Steve at the shift in position. “I just wanted to make sure we’re alone punk.” He told him, letting his intention show in his eyes. “That’s all.”

Steve got the message relatively quickly on that one. And proceeded to help him divest himself of his jeans. The air felt beautiful on his bare skin, reminding him of the day they found that field outside of the city . How they’d gone into the high-grass and felt a sense of freedom. Or even under the dock in the city limits. He liked making love outside and this seemed like a perfect place for it.

Letting the scent of the flowers fill his lungs. The sound of the mill turning in the water fill his ears. The feel of the fresh air blowing his hair around as he rode him, his knees clutching Steve’s hips as he held him on him. Let his pleasure ring through the flower field. Let it all go for now.

\--

To Steve Bucky was never more beautiful than he was like this. When he sitting on top of him, taking him in to himself. He just gazed at him in wonder.

His hair blowing in the soft breeze, dog tags bouncing against his shirt, muscles flexing in those perfect thighs. Plates on his metal arm shifting as he gripped the ground under them causing varying reflections of the sunlight. Skin flushed and eyes glazed with passion. Steve gripped his thighs firmly as he pushed up into him, watching those teal colored beauties flutter with ever thrust. The beautiful moans and cries echoing through the field and off the water.

He was simply magnificent. Shades of the Soldier in his eyes, occasionally coming out in words. “Our Steve..” He would moan occasionally, and that voice caused Steve to growl and thrust harder, bringing him closer to his climax.

Reaching up he grabbed a hold of that brown hair and pulled his face closer to look in his eyes. “Bucky..” He growled to him. “My Soldier.”

Their passion as always, increased until it had reached critical mass and Bucky cried out, practically howling as he came right there, causing Steve’s to follow quickly after. Gripping Bucky’s hair as he did, feeling his knees clamp around him and draw it right out of his body.

Bucky then let himself be pulled down and kissed, his body basically collapsing on Steve’s as they shared a sweet, post-coital kiss, his hands raking through Bucky’s hair. When he finally let those precious lips go, he turned on his side, pulling Bucky with him and they laid like that under the sky, breathing hard and gathering themselves.

“Well we can scratch under windmills off our list now.” Steve joked, his hand stroking Bucky’s bare thigh as they nuzzled their faces together. “We get around Sergeant Barnes.”

Bucky chuckled cutely at that, looking almost bashful as he did. “Well you know how it is Captain.” He answered, wrapping an ankle around Steve’s. “Bedrooms get boring.” He rubbed his nose against Steve’s. “And fresh air is good for you.”

Steve considered how their first time had been outside, under the dock at Coney. Not by choice initially it was the only place they could find at the time without prying eyes. But they’d developed a taste for semi-public lovemaking, most likely born from that. And a sense of rebellion on their parts. And Steve would not change that. There was just something about being outside, their bodies exposed to the air and the warmth of the sun.

And he thought about a little earlier, when Bucky seemed to go into some kind of a trance for a few minutes. Drifting or travelling in his mind like he did sometimes. He knew that had a lot to do with it too. Like in the bathroom yesterday, they both used the intimacy to ground and calm themselves in stressful situations.

And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that in his opinion. It’s how they worked it out.

“You feel okay now?”

“I’m not feeling much of anything punk.” Bucky answered, wrapping his metal arm around Steve’s back. “At least not from the waist down that is.”

“I’ll take care of that late..” He teased. “But you know what I mean jerk.” He nuzzled his hair with his lips. “I’m talking about earlier when you.. went away for a few minutes.”

Bucky seemed to tuck his face a little under Steve’s chin, his metal fingers playing on his back. “Sorry about that. “ He said quietly. “I was just traveling a bit. Opening the doors of perception as Wanda would say.”

“Sometimes I wish I had her ability.” Steve mused out loud. “That I could get inside that pretty head of yours.”

“You don’t wanna be in there Steve trust me.” Bucky countered. “It’s not a nice place sometimes.”

“Even so.” Steve told him brushing that stray strand of hair out of his face. “It’s still your head Buck.. I’d like to know it better sometimes.”

Bucky lifted his eyes to look at him, and Steve saw a flicker in them of something he couldn’t quite identify. “You already do.” He said finally, metal fingers gripping his shirt. “You know me better than anyone punk.”

He knew he was right. He did. And Bucky knew him. No magic involved really. He wondered if it was possible to be so intimately entwined with someone that you could, actually, read their minds. Because sometimes it felt they sense each other’s moods and feelings without words. There was no one else in his life he was this close to, this connected to on every level. He could not imagine not having him in his life now or ever.

“If you wanna know anything from now on… just ask.” Bucky said, that metal hand sliding up to his neck. “There’s nothing I’m keeping from you anymore.. no more hiding. Never again.” His eyes shone with emotion as he spoke. “I’m an open book for you pun I mean that.”

He then laid his head on Steve’s shoulder, closing his eye as if drifting off right there. And Steve could sense the lack of tension in his body. The lack of holding anything in. Like he was lighter. There was such a trust in him, of allowing himself to be so vulnerable and open that Steve felt that protectiveness flow through him again, causing him to wrap Bucky up in his arms like something precious. Because he was.

He was his soulmate. Bound by the cosmos he knew.

“And you can tell me anything Buck.” He assured him, laying down in the grass and holding him close. “Nothing at all.” He let his hand just slide down and start rubbing him gently. “Now how about I take care of you like I promised.”

“Mmm.” Bucky purred, his eyes fluttering shut. “You always do.”

He wiggled himself against Steve’s hand a little, eyes half-lidded. Steve pressed his lips against his head softly. Lovingly. “Feel like leaving yet?”

“Nah.” Bucky answered, wrapping his arm tighter around Steve’s waist. “I actually feel like taking a nap to right here to be honest.”

“Then go ahead.” He whispered to him, his hand stroking him in all the right places, eliciting a moan every so often. “We’ll stay as long as you want.”

He felt Bucky snuggle into his arms at that, and do just that, those dark lashes closing over his gorgeous blue eye. Steve just continued to take care of him gently as he slept, half-naked in his arms in an open field. Both of them surrounded by the scent of flowers, in the shadow of the windmill, and the ambient sound of water in their ears.

And Steve thought he just stay like this forever. It was prefect.

\--

Amelia sat across from him, watching him patiently as Bucky gathered himself together in the small room they’d been allotted in the courthouse.

Today was the day. He was getting up on the stand for his first day, and was going to say it all, once and for all. Going to truly expose the organization that had held him physically and mentally captured for decades. And he was scared to death.

Since she was his therapist, she was allowed to be with him as he waited to be called in. And Bucky was glad for that. Very glad.

“How are you feeling?” She asked, smiling a soft smile.

“Scared shitless.” He admitted with a sheepish grin. “Is that a feeling?”

“It sure is.” She answered. “A very valid one too.”

His right hand was shaking, and his metal fingers were itching to scratch it raw. To make it bleed and let the burn out. It was maddening. And he knew was on the verge of an anxiety attack as well, all the signs were there. The rapid heartbeat, distorted vision, difficulty breathing. He hadn’t taken any medication lately, wanting his mind to be clear, but now he knew why he was on them in the first place. Because he did not feel stable at all right now.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”

Bucky blinked at her for a moment and then bit his lip hard to ground himself. “That I have to tell everyone about all of this. “ He confessed. “Everything they did to me and everything I did as well.” He flicked his eyes up, which had been on the floor, to hers. “Everything I can remember that is.”

“And he’s going to be there as well right?”

Bucky got a hard look in his eyes for a moment. “I’m not scared of him.”

“I know you’re not.” She replied, calm and not reacting to the defensiveness. “But talking about it with him staring at you might be very difficult when the time comes.”

Bucky nodded. “I’m gonna have to say it.” He said quietly. “I know.”

It was going to be especially hard to admit that vulnerability out in the open. Something he’d only talked about in the presence of Steve or Amelia. When he had a hard time saying the words, even to himself. To admit he was a victim was still very hard for him. That he let those men do that to him. He still felt the shame of that very much even now. Even though he knew it wasn’t his fault it still made him feel dirty to talk about it.

And with that bastard staring at him the whole time.

_This is your punishment Soldat .._ He growled at him, his breath stinking of vodka. _When you don’t do what you’re told.._

He felt the shiver go through him and wrapped his arms around himself. Knowing Amelia could see this clearly, but she didn’t say anything. Didn’t push.

“I’ve counseled a lot of survivors over the years Bucky and I can tell you one thing.” Amelia said with her soft voice. “Confronting the ones that hurt you publicly, regardless of the outcome, is very empowering and very healing.” She reached over and put her hands on his shaking one. “You are very strong, you can do this.”

He pressed his lips together and looked at her. “I don’t feel that strong right now.”

“I know you don’t.” She told him. “But you are. Because you’ve already gotten through the worst part.”

He looked down at their hands, trying to keep his steady. “And what’s that?”

“Surviving what they did to you.” She replied. “That’s what.”

He nodded, feeling his head continue to spin. The metal fingers shook with the need to scratch even more. He willed himself to not to do it. He promised Steve he wouldn’t hurt himself any more but the lack of medication was having an effect, it wasn’t suppressing anything anymore. He had an urge to tell her he’d stopped but he didn’t know how she’d react to it. He’d been on this one for over a year now and it had worked. But he wanted to feel this now so he took the risk. He just wasn’t sure he was prepared for the effects of doing it. Of just outright stopping them.

When the door opened, a man walked through and addressed him. “Sergeant Barnes.” He announced. “They’re ready for you.”

Bucky felt the panic in him again, feeling that old urge to bolt go through his body. His breathing shortened and he felt tight, like his lungs were not getting enough air. But Amelia was there and gripped his hands with hers.

“Breathe.” She said comfortingly. “Through you’re diaphragm not through your chest.” She put his hand there to show him. “Deep cleansing breaths.”

He nodded and did what he was told. She took his hands again and squeezed them, nodding the man that he needed just a minute more. Bucky took a few of these, pulling the air from his diaphragm like she said and letting it out. Feeling his body start to calm a little.

“Whenever you feel tight, do that okay?” She reminded him, squeezing his hands. “And remember there a lot of people there who love you. Concentrate on them. Not on him.”

When his head finally clear again, when he felt steady, he let go of her hands and nodded that he was ready now. As ready as he’d ever be for this. And allowed himself to be escorted into courtroom again. This time not as a spectator, but as the witness. The star witness. The one everyone was here to see.

Feeling eyes on him, some of them hostile some of them curious, and many supportive. Hearing and seeing out of the corner of his eyes, cameras flashing. He took another deep breath, calming that shaking hand and searched for Steve and the others and found them. In the front two rows. Giving them as brave a smile as he could before climbing up the stand.

Feeling all eyes turn to the former Winter Soldier.

He took another breath and allowed his eyes to drift the most hostile eyes there. And felt the Soldier rise in him, letting the coldness go into his eyes as the Colonel’s eyes met his. _He hurt us.._ that inner voice said angrily. _Now we hurt him._

Feeling that part of his mind step in to steady him

He pulled his glare away, happy to see the fear in the other man’s for just a moment, before turning his attention to the prosecutor standing in front of him. It was time to start talking.

Time to tell his story. In full. With everyone watching.

He took one more deep breath into his lungs and waited for the questions to start.

\--

Steve had been reluctant to leave him but Bucky insisted he needed to talk to Amelia before the whole thing. That it would be harder if Steve was there. And he’d understood this, giving him the time he needed with his therapist to get himself ready.

He was bundle of nerves himself, squeezing his coffee cup so tight he’d almost crushed it. Causing a tension cutting remark from Tony. “That’s the second cup Cap I’m not buying you another one.” He said in that snarky way of his. “You squeezed the last one so hard the people in the balcony have second degree burns.”

It was an amusing statement from someone with a ton of money and it broke his thoughts. “I’m surprised you don’t own the company.” He found himself sending back, finding a smile breaking onto his face.

“At these prices I’m considering it.”

Wanda, who was sitting next to him, smiled and put a comforting hand on his arm. “He’s gonna be okay Steve.” She assured him. “I know he is.”

Steve turned to her, feeling grateful for presence. For the fortitude she had with all this. And for all she’d done for them. For Bucky especially. “Thanks Wanda.” He told her. “I just wish he didn’t have to go through this that’s all.”

“He’s the strongest person I know Steve.” She told him, rubbing his arm comfortingly. “They have no idea what they messed with there.”

Steve was listening to her, but he remembered this morning, when Bucky had elected not to take his medication yet again. Stating, like he had the day before, that he wanted to be clear and free of any numbing agents.

“I need my head to be clear Steve.” He told him as he pulled a grey sweater over his head. “I need to feel everything, not suppress it and this is the only way I can think of.”

“Have you told Amelia this?” He’d remembered asking. “Or Pam for that matter?”

“It’s my decision Steve. “Bucky had said to him, looking adamant. “Not theirs.”

Steve had put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and looked in his eyes. “They’re your doctors Buck.” He said as patiently as he could. “There could be side-effects of just stopping could turkey like this.”

Bucky had just stared back at him steadily. “I know what I’m doing Steve.”

But even now, as then, he wasn’t sure if he did. He understood what Bucky was doing there. The motivation behind it but he was afraid it could cause a breakdown, a severe anxiety attack, or something worse than that. He badly wanted to ask Pam about this, about possible side-effects of just stopping like that, but knew doing that would be going behind Bucky’s back, and after their increased openness of late he was leery of that. But the worry was there. And Wanda could sense it on him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked pointedly. “Because your aura is off a bit.”

Wanda was big on that and had somewhat sold Bucky on it. But Steve wasn’t sure of it. But he didn’t want to lie to her either. He knew she’d know. “I’m just nervous that’s all.”

She gave him a penetrating look as if she didn’t quite buy that. And Steve had been told many times he was a bad liar too. So he hoped she didn’t press it. And she didn’t seem to be inclined to. At least for now. But he could hear Pam and Sam talking behind him and stowed the urge to turn around and ask the question that was on his on mind.

_What the hell could happen if he goes off his meds?_

It wouldn’t leave him alone, even as the courtroom seemed to fill up now. The council members appearing as well. It looked like it was about to start, he’d certainly gotten familiar with how they did things here. And this just increase his nerves too

_I don’t know if I can do this Steve.._ Bucky had practically sobbed to him a couple of days ago. The rawness of that pain had hurt to see. And made Steve a little scared for him. Of what would happen to him when he had no suppression for those memories and the emotions attached.

With that bastard staring at him the whole time.

He had to trust him and be strong for him now. It was all he could do.

He then heard it called to order. And saw the hush go over the masses inside. The sound of pens getting ready to scribble. Of cameras being moved to setup position. They were getting ready for him. The buzz was in the crowd now, everyone turning, waiting for the door to open. To see the former Winter Soldier come out.

Steve was too. Praying in his head that he was okay. That he was ready for this.

And then saw the door open, and Bucky walked in. Grey sweater on with dark jeans. His hair down. Eyes showing a little more white than normal but otherwise looking somewhat together. He felt the strength of his love for him as he watched him walk out to the stand and stop. Seeming to take a deep breath before climbing up there.

He looked nervous, but also strong as well.

Steve saw his eyes flicker to the object of his ire for a second and he could swear he saw the Soldier’s death glare. A searing laser beam that no one wanted to be the sight of. And felt that strong pride too. His Bucky, his Soldier, was letting that man, and everyone else, that he wasn’t scared of him.

Then his eyes found Steve’s again and he saw a ghost of smile on his face. Letting a little fear show before tightening his face and taking another deep breath, his blue eyes focused and ready.

And then it began. A reckoning a long time in coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter shifted some focus to Steve, which I though was due. Because Steve has some feelings. A lot of them. And Bucky has been noticing for a while and a bit concerned about it. 
> 
> I liked dipping into the canon but telling it from certain perspectives, and also adding my own take on what Bucky doing during those 2 years that Steve couldn't find him as well. It was an interesting mix of personal creation interwoven with canon scenes and basically flashback to the previous story and some previous chapters. Almost like a clipshow lol. But with a purpose behind it. 
> 
> It kind of gave Bucky insight into Steve's state of mind, and what he saw when he first found Bucky was alive (as we all remember well from the movie of course) and highlighted the effect thesse events had on him psychologically. The feelings that he had regarding to having to hurt Bucky to save lives. That Hydra victimized him in that way too, by throwing the person he loved the most in front of him, with the knowledge he may have to hurt him at the least, or the worst kill him. So it was sort of interesting for Bucky to see it from Steve's perspective because his own memory of that time is still very fractured so he learns in many ways things didn't know before. 
> 
> The thing I liked a lot was the idea that their protectiveness and caring goes both ways. And that to take care of Steve is hard-wired into Bucky, even if he couldn't remember who he was at one point. And that just because Steve is bigger and stronger, and more of the caretaker in the relationship, Bucky still has that instinct to do what he can to look after him and is whatever Steve needs to be at that moment in time as well. 
> 
> And the emphasis on the idea that they are stronger together. They draw strength from eachother constantly and that goes both ways too. 
> 
> I love the drive out to the country, cause when I was researching the The Netherlands I found pictures of windmills among colorful flowers and what a nice, peaceful place that would have to be to be standing in. It reminded me of the grassfields they found in a chapter of my previous fic and it was fun to revist a little outdoor activity again like that. They do have this love for making love semi-publicly too don't they?? I like that it's part adventurous and rebellious but also seems to bring them full circle to their first time, which was outside. Because direct connections to the past are a big part of the story as you'll see down the line. 
> 
> There is the slightly troubling matter of Bucky electing to not take his medication for more clarity, which is something people with mental issues do do sometimes. It can however have some mental consequences to go against doctor's orders and there will be some for him as he can kind of already see here. So look for that to be an issue of sorts. 
> 
> The next chapter we will Bucky's testimony, which will last several days for him (because frankly there is a lot to say) and you will see the fallout and impact of that on him and Steve as well. I'm looking forward to writing it, once again interweaving canon with my own creation as well. And once again, I haven't settled on a title so yeah.. 
> 
> Anyways thank you all for your lovely reviews and suggestions and of course your readership as well, I appreciate it, it really motivates me so <3<3<3 and *hugs* to all of you and i hope everyone is doing well :)


	25. Survior

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to put a little extra tag on this chapter just because it features some descriptions of torture and abuse that might be a little disturbing. But like always I never go into great detail for respectful reasons, but I just wanted to put that out there. 
> 
> artwork on my Tumblr per usual :)

“State your name for the record.”

Bucky steadied himself before answering this first initial question. “Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.”

“You were formerly known as the Winter Soldier is that correct?”

“That’s what I was called by other yes.” Bucky answered. “But they just called me.. Soldat..”

Just saying that word made him feel sick. Every time he spoke a word in Russian, he felt sick. Could the see the Colonel out of the corner of his eye smirk a little at the fact that he had to say it at all. Bucky didn’t even look at him, kept his attention on the person question him at that moment. And the others as well.

_You have lots of people that love you here.. _Amelia had told him. _Remember that._

And he remembered the fresh air, the smell of the flowers and sound of the windmill turning. Remembered the peace from yesterday and tried to pull that into his lungs again as well. Looking at Steve and the others. The ones that loved him.

“When did you first come in contact with the organization known as Hydra?”

“During the war.” He replied, folding his finger together to keep the metal ones away from his other wrist. “My unit was ambushed by them in the fall of ‘43’” He paused for a moment to recall the circumstances of this. “As the highest-ranking surviving officer, I decided to surrender to them rather than risk my mens lives further.”

“According to your Army records you and exemplary officer and highly respected by the men in your unit.”

Bucky smiled a little at that. “I guess so.” 

“Knowing what you know about that organization now would you make that decision again?”

He had to think about it for a second, finding the answer inside him. It had been a long time since he’d thought about it to be honest. “I have a lot of regrets, but all my men ended up surviving the war so.” He said with a feeling of surety. “Yeah I would, in spite of what happened after.”

He didn’t understand at the time why the question was asked. But later he realized why it was important to ask. Because it had showed everyone there that he valued others lives over his own comfort. Something that hadn’t occurred to him until he’d really thought about it.

“What happened when you were brought to their camp?”

He took a deep breath and described the conditions as he remembered them. Including the fact that the rest of his men were subjected to torturous slave labor, while himself was questioned endlessly. With rudimentary torture being applied. Which had been very painful at the time but was nothing compared to what was coming for him shortly. He recalled how he sated his name, rank and serial number over and over again as he was told to do while under duress, even as the pain started to get worse.

“Did you see this man there?”

She showed him a picture of Armin Zola, a face Bucky would recognize anywhere, and his reaction to the sight of it was so visceral it was obvious to every person in the room. The sight of that man, long dead, was still terrified him and caused an immediate visible shake in fingers in spite of his best efforts to quell it. That monster still had a place in his head to this day and maybe always would.

That bastard had never really paid. In fact had been rewarded with a comfortable life in the US. Something Bucky himself would always be a bit bitter about.

“Yeah.” He answered, taking another one of those deep breaths. “He questioned me too… about my health and things like that.” He bit his lip for a moment. “He was sizing me up for something.”

“How long until he began experimenting on you?”

“Not long.” He told her, keeping the shake out of his voice. “I was moved from the cage they were keeping me in to a room where I was… strapped to a table and..” His eyes closed as he recalled it. “There was a… machine there.. with a lot of needles attached to it.”

He was then asked to describe it, and after a moment, where he opened his eyes and met Steve’s he found the strength to do it. With a minute tremble in his voice he described being jabbed with a dozen needles simultaneously, multiple times. Recalling screaming in pain in spite of the gag in his mouth. Talked about what it felt like after each round. How he could feel his body changing, things moving and stretching. Felt strange sensations in his head. It was hard to describe the feeling. It was like his brain was being pulled apart and re-configured.

And it wasn’t just the damn needles either. It was thing they’d attached to his head, the first encounter with a machine he’d become very familiar with. The explosion of that blue white light and the screaming noise of the electricity as well. The way his arms and legs strained against the restraints as his body would seize from it. He wasn’t sure if he was describing it well, but when he opened his eyes and saw the reactions of the people who were listening to this, he knew he had.

“I felt like I was being turned inside out.” He explained further. “Like there was never a time before that pain.. and it took a while for the shudders to.. go away..”

_You have a very high tolerance for pain Sergeant Barnes.._ Zola had said in that curious way_. Very interesting._

Everything was fuzzy after that for a while. He couldn’t quite grasp the memories after that. They were in the painful place before Steve had found him that first time. He wasn’t sure what was real, the only he remembered seeing was Zola’s face. With no empathy, just scientific curiosity. His face was burned into these encounters and he was pretty sure he’d never be gone.

“When Captain Rogers found you was that what happened that day?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah.”

He remembered seeing Steve and for a moment not believing it was him. It had to be a hallucination. There was no way Steve could’ve been there. And he was… different. Bigger. It didn’t feel real and in his head the memory was still almost dreamlike. As was a lot of those times. Because he spent a lot of it a haze of what he now knew was the beginning of his long battle with PTSD.

Bucky spent a lot of time explaining his state of mind of during that period, just showing just how much he was affected by the things he’d seen and had been done to him already. How he’d finally confessed to Steve what had happened to him. And had joined his group of commandos with some of the men from his unit. He had an interesting memory of someone from his group. A connection it had taken him a while to make as well. But wouldn’t end up coming up until later testimony.

One of his men’s last name was Pierce. He’d found out that this man was the father to none other than Alexander Pierce. Someone else Bucky was very familiar with. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact that the son of his one of his men would end up being just another abusive handler in a long line of them.

Right now, he was too focused on what was coming up in his testimony.

The train and his fall.

But that was coming after the lunch break, giving him a reprieve, at least for now.

During that break, he felt a little light-headed and a bit nauseous. The memory of his first round of torture was enough to make him a bit standoffish, even with Steve. Something he knew was only going to get worse as testimony went on. But luckily Steve and most of his friends could read the mood and stayed an arms-length away during it.

Bucky for his part barely ate anything either. That nauseous feeling in his stomach made it almost impossible. Thinking he might lose a little weight during this. It occurred to him later that part of this was going off his meds too. But that was a problem for later.

When the resumed, they resumed in a difficult place. It was perhaps why they’d broken when they did.

“Tell us about what happened when you fell from the train.”

Bucky once again clasped his metal hand with his flesh one, to keep it from doing what it wanted. He looked in the audience and found Steve and the others and took another deep cleansing breath before starting this part.

“I remember laying in the snow, my right arm and right leg had broken through some ice and I could feel them going almost numb from the cold.” He described, having only recently remembered this detail. “My other arm was all twisted up and I… couldn’t move it or lift it it.. “ He swallowed hard, trying to keep his voice even. “I couldn’t even lift my head.. it just felt.. heavy..”

He remembered the snow falling on his face, of looking up and seeing the mountain above him. The trestle had bene so far up in the mountains he couldn’t see it. Not that he could focus anyways. Everything was swimmy and out of focus. He had no idea how long he’d laid like that, going in an out consciousness. He was in such a state of shock none of it felt real. He’d tried to describe this feeling, remembering what Pam and neurologist had said about his brain injury. _No way you should’ve survived that._ But he had.

“After a while.. I dunno how long someone came for me… I saw a.. shadow.” He continued, unable to control the tremble in him. “I thought it might’ve been Steve and the Commandos but… it wasn’t..”

He hated saying it out loud. Saying that he believed and hoped that the looming shadow was him. He knew how much guilt Steve still felt over not going to look for him. And looking at Steve he could see it again, plainly in his eyes. That pain of regret.

What he hadn’t told him and didn’t want to was that he’d actually called out for him, thinking it was him. _Steve? _Kept saying his name until he saw who actually had him now. And the feeling of dread and horror at the sight of that.

“I saw him..” Bucky said not even hiding the shake in his voice. “It was Zola and I remember trying to scream but.. nothing came out.”

“What happened after that?”

“They started experimenting on me again.” He said bitterly, his jaw clenched slightly. “Right where they left off.. they barely skipped a beat.” He clasped his hands together because he didn’t trust the metal one at this point. “I would wake and I could feel them… cutting my arm off.. could feel the saw in the bone.. and there was a gag in my mouth and I couldn’t even scream at that.. and they kept injecting me with more shit.. and I could feel there fingers and their instruments inside my shoulder.. it hurt like hell.”

“You were awake for this?”

She almost sounded stunned by this, and judging by the reaction of the audience, so were they. But it was true. He’d woken up several times during it. Remembering that sickening feeling of violation and being unable to stop them. Unable to fight back because of the restraints and because his body just wouldn’t work, because his mind wall screwed up as well. It was choppy, memories born of intense physical pain always were, and he remembered that pain like a curse. His body shook with the muscle memory of it.

“Yeah.” He admitted. “I kept waking up during it.. whatever they used to put me out was shit.”

Although he’d come to realize his pain wasn’t important to Zola, or any of them to be honest. They did what they needed to do to keep him under control, whatever pain he felt was of little concern to them. They didn’t see him a person, just as an experiment. An asset.

“How much of your arm did they take off?”

“It was injured at the elbow, but they slowly took off more and more.” He explained, pointing to the shoulder. “Until they ended up here. “ He got a hard look in his eyes. “It wasn’t for infection or anything I’m sure.. it was for practical reasons I suppose.. my comfort wasn’t exactly their priority. Making the sure arm was stabilized was the purpose.”

As he sat there he felt the ghost of that arm, like he still did sometimes when he thought about this. Remembering a time when he had two of them. As used to his metal arm as he was, there were times when that old feeling came back. Like now.

“You never gave them permission to do any that did you?”

He shook his head. “No.. I couldn’t even speak to say no.” He said bitterly. “Not that I ever had a choice in it even if I could.”

The memory of waking up and seeing that arm attached to him, of hearing Zola’s voice _You will be the new fist of Hydra._ Right before he reached up and grabbed his neck. Finding some residue strength to do so. Feeling enraged already at being so grossly abused Feeling his energy coming back and he could see the flash of fear in that monster’s eyes before he said the last words.

_Put him on ice.._

“Once they were done modifying me.. the froze me.” He told them all. “For.. storage until later.”

He remembered the feeling of the cold rising up as he was locked inside this tube. There had been no escape from it. He remembered looking out of the glass, putting his hand to it right before seeing the ice cover it. Of everything going dark and cold in his head.

Remembered that cold blackness that still terrified him to this very day. He became very familiar with it.

He had found out he’d been in that ice for nearly a decade. Trapped in that cold, dark place he still had some residue memories of. Of strange dreams and a dark void. He didn’t even notice that at the time he’d recalled this, he’d unconsciously wrapped his arms around himself, as if cold. Because he felt it now. Felt like he was back in there again.

Thankfully this was where they concluded for the day. Dismissed until tomorrow when he would have to start talking about the meat of his imprisonment and torture.

Right now, he just wanted to go back to the hotel and crawl under a blanket. Because even though it wasn’t that cold in there, or outside, Bucky felt that chill in his bones again. Causing him to not even object to when Steve put his arm around him. He just wanted to get warm again. Because all he could feel was the cold at that moment. 

“You wanna get something to eat?” Steve asked him as they walked to the garage. “We can stop.”

“No.” Bucky answered, his arms still wrapped around himself. “I just wanna go back to the room.”

By the time he got to the car his teeth were chattering. And it felt like his hair had ice in it. Steve had turned on the heat in the car but it did little good. Part of his mind was back in that small tube again, in that cold, black void.

He wrapped his arms around himself and just.. shivered until they got back.

\--

Bucky barely talked on the way back. And when they got into the room he promptly crawled under the blanket, burying himself in them. Shivering like it was freezing when it was actually very hot in the room at the time. It was concerning but somewhat understandable.

Whenever Bucky talked about these things, he always seemed to get cold.

Arya crawled up next to him and Steve himself just took his jacket off and laid down behind him, wrapping his arms around Bucky from behind and holding him close. Noticing that Bucky’s body temperature was actually a bit cold. As if psychosomatically reliving his cryo-freeze in some way. So he did his best to warm him up. Rubbing his arm comfortingly.

“What are you feeling right now?” He asked in his ear. “Tell me.”

Bucky just shivered and backed into him a a little more. “I’m cold.. really cold.”

Steve put his hand on Bucky’s head, he didn’t feel warm, there was no fever. It was all in his head he was sure of it now. It was like he was locked in a flashback again. Of being there locked in that tube as the ice slowly crept up on him. Steve knew what it felt like to freeze, he’d been in it for a long time himself, but Bucky had been taken in and out of it, with some memory of it, and that was horrifying thought in of itself to think of.

He wrapped him up tighter in the blanket and held him closer, trying to make him feel warm again. Nuzzled the back of his neck to reassure him he wasn’t in the ice anymore. That he was safe and warm now. Knowing he had to work himself out of it. Out of the dark, cold place.

Bucky turned around and buried himself in Steve’s arms, still shaking hard as he did. The cat climbed down and laid on their feet, Steve could feel her purring against his leg and was sure Bucky, wherever he was in his head, could feel her too. He wrapped his arm tighter around him and buried his face in his hair.

“I’ll keep you warm.” He whispered to him. “I promise.”

Bucky’s arms were folded between them, he could feel the grip of his hands on the front of his shirt. His head tucked under Steve’s chin, his body continuing that violent shaking that one did when trying to get warmth back in their body again. His skin actually did feel cold still. Like he had hypothermia or something. Steve didn’t know what else to do other than to just keep him as warm as possible.

He thought about calling Pam, but he wasn’t sure there was much she could do either. It was in his head because there was no physical reason for him to be like this. It was reliving the experience so fully and now his mind was just trapped in in it. He had to find his way out.

“Let’s talk about it okay?” He suggested. “Maybe it would help.”

It was worth a shot. He was out of other options here.

“It was a cold, dark and small.” Was the response he got. “We hated it, but they kept putting us in it.”

It was the Soldier’s response instead of Bucky’s. Maybe it was a good thing. Bucky always fell back on that when he couldn’t talk about things himself. “You’re not in it now.” He told him, stroking his hair. “And you’ll never go back in there again. You’re safe.”

The Soldier nodded. “We still feel cold though.”

“It’ll go away.” He reassured him. “When you let the warmth back in.”

The metal hand lifted from his shirt and touched his face gently, as if unsure he wanted to move any part of himself. He felt the shivers in Bucky’s body start to calm down a little. Felt his skin start to warm slightly as well.

“Steve is warm.” The Soldier said quietly, as if this was revelation. “Our Steve.”

He nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck, the metal fingers wrapping around his neck. His feet tucked in between Steve’s as if he could possibly get any closer to him. And soon the shaking stopped all together. He wasn’t sure if he was asleep or not. It was hard to tell sometimes.

“It was always cold there.” He spoke again, revealing he was awake. “The chamber was the coldest but even out of it I never felt warm.” He wrapped the metal arm around Steve then, which still felt warmer than his skin did at the moment. “It just… gets in your bones and makes them hurt.”

Bucky was definitely back, the way he’d flip back and forth could be both fascinating and unnerving, but Steve had accepted this coping mechanism a long time ago. “I know.” He whispered to him, pressing his lips to his head. “How can I help you?”

“Just do this punk.” Bucky told him, and Steve could feel a slight smile against his neck. “Trust me… it’s enough.”

“Well maybe some warm food will help too.” He offered, tilting his chin up to look at him. “You haven’t eaten since breakfast after all.”

“I’m not really hungry though.” Bucky replied, swallowing a little as he looked at him. “I still feel kinda sick.”

Steve smiled and shook his head. “You’re still gonna try.” He told him firmly. “I’ll get you some soup okay? I’m sure you can keep that down.”

Bucky nodded reluctantly, giving up for now, and let Steve order them some food. Some soup. He was worried about him not eating as much. He called it in, and it wasn’t long until it was up there. Along with some food for himself and a little for Arya, who was more than happy for some chicken. She was a spoiled little thing sometimes but they couldn’t help it.

Bucky did look a little better, finally pulling himself out from under the blankets a bit more. Steve put his hand on his head, checking for any fever or anything abnormal. “I’m fine punk.” Bucky said irritably, but not in an unpleasant way. “Just had an episode is all.”

“Well maybe it has something to do with you not taking your medication.” Steve suggested, raising an eyebrow at him. “Did you think of that?”

“Are we getting into this again?” Bucky shot back, taking the soup bowl, the hot soup bowl, in his metal hand. “Cause I already explained that.”

“I know but you were shaking like you were cold.” He reminded him as he sat on the bed next to him, feeing the cat her chicken. “That’s not normal considering it’s pretty warm in here.”

Bucky gave him one of those looks. “Since when am I ever normal Rogers?”

Steve just smiled and reached out to brush his hair back. “True.” He agreed. “I’m just worried that’s all. I know it’s hard on you.” He left his hand on his shoulder then. “Were you having a flashback?”

Bucky bit his lip a little, before spooning some soup into his mouth. “Kinda… I think.. I don’t know.”

He thought maybe he did but was unwilling to admit it for some reason. Maybe admitting it would mean he’d have to rethink his position on his medicine. He had been like it since he’d left court. That was where it started. He had been so strong while out there, but Steve had a feeling this might happen until he was done, that the stress of it would take its toll on him off the stand.

“It was like.. I was back in there again.” Bucky continued, stirring his soup and eating a little of it. “I could feel that chill and the.. claustrophobia you know?” He lifted his eyes back up to Steve. “Do you remember any of being frozen like that? Cause I do. I know it’s not... possible but I do.”

He was starting to think a lot of things were possible he never imagined before. And the way Bucky’s mind had absorbed the serum and the strange way it works it was almost not surprising at all he might remember some of that. Terrifying but not necessarily a surprise.

He himself remembered very little of his own freezing. It was a blank space.

“No I don’t.” He told Bucky honestly. “But I’m not you.” He sat a little closer and decided to ask. “What do you remember about it?”

“Best way I can describe it is like.. floating in a cold, dark void.” Bucky explained, his eyes getting far away as he recalled. “It’s what I always imagined being out in space would be like you know?” Steve saw his hand shake a little again. “When they had me locked in the dark room, as terrible as it was I could still feel the floor under me.. this was just nothing.. just space and cold and… my thoughts.”

It sounded absolutely terrifying to Steve to actually have a memory of nothing. Of just the confused thoughts in your head. It certainly explained why Bucky hate the pitch blackness so much. Why he needed at least one light on all the time. He slid his hand back up and rested it on his neck rubbing it comfortingly.

“INice huh?” Bucky said with a little half-smile. “I got so many lovely memories don’t I?”

“Did you feel that earlier?” Steve asked him, retuning the soft look. “Is that what happened?”

“Yeah.” Bucky admitted and put his bowl down to lean forward, butting his head against Steve’s. “But now coming out of it is a lot better than it used to be.” He closed his eyes and smiled. “The company is a lot better too.”

He put his hands on Steve’s face then and kissed him softly, and for the first time his body felt warm again. Steve just wrapped his arm around Bucky’s back and held him to him, relishing the thaw in him. That sense of coming fully back from that episode. Loving the taste of chicken soup on his lips and the feel of those metal fingers in his hair.

“I don’t ever wanna feel nothing again punk.” Bucky breathed against his lips, climbing a little more into his arms. “This is way better.”

He laid him down and held his body close to his, making sure he wouldn’t ever feel that way again. That he wouldn’t be truly cold like that ever again. And that if he did, he’d always wake up in warmth.

\--

Back on the stand the next day, Bucky took another one of those deep, cleansing breaths, preparing himself for the next stage, when he’d have to talk about the real torture. The one that made the earlier one feel like tickles by comparison.

Wondering how he was going to be affected tonight, after the fallout from yesterday. After reliving that terrifying dark, cold void of cryo-sleep. He had a feeling he’d be a lot worse today. And he wasn’t wrong either.

He was a mess yet again when this was done too.

“First thing that happened when they pulled me out was I was.. sat in the chair.” He started to describe, once again folding his hands together to keep them occupied. “They asked me my name and told them.. and the clamps were on my head and… they hit me with the electric…” His jaw clenched as he said this. “They said.. ‘wrong., your name is Soldat..’”

“Is there anyone who was there that it here today?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said in a tight voice and pointed at the Colonel. “He was.” His eyes got a hard, frightening look he was sure. “He was in charge of it all.”

He told them how this happened several times, that even in his confusion there was some defiance in him, enough to make him keep saying his given name. Even though he was still fuzzy from the void, with ice still in his hair, and various aches from surgeries that had, chronologically happened a decade ago, but to his mind and body, had only wrapped up days before. Even as his fingers still trembled from the electric shock, and his head injury was still in the healing process. He wasn’t acutely aware of these facts at the time. The blanks had been filled in by his doctors and the Hydra files.

“They decided to.. use other methods when those didn’t work.” He continued, keeping his voice even. “I was put in a cell, with minimal light and.. they wouldn’t let me sleep.. for days.. I don’t know how many.”

The way he’d learned to understand this method of torture was that hours felt like days and days felt like weeks when you weren’t getting sleep. When you were deprived of light and food and water. It was an endless night, with occasional bright flashes of light when they’d open the door for something. The truth of how long he was in that room might never be known to him, there was just no way, short of the Colonel telling them, and he wouldn’t cooperate. His sense of place and time was just screwed up on that so when he was asked how long he told them the truth. He didn’t know. It felt like forever to be honest.

“They did more than that though didn’t they?”

“Yeah.” He admitted. “I was hauled out and put in the chair and asked my name again. And if I didn’t give the right answer I was.. shocked again..” He swallowed hard, gripping his metal hand to keep it from scratching his other arm. “I was.. being very resistant to them.. that’s when he started trying.. other things.”

He remembered when he was strapped in the chair, how he was reminded that no one ever came looking for him. That they had saved him, and they were all he had. He recounted how the torture was taking a gradual toll on him, but he was still resisting. Trying to attack them whenever he got his hands free enough to do it. That they were aggravated by this, having a timetable to work with it.

“That’s when he brought the others in.” He said, his voice shaky now. “That’s when they really started hurting me.”

“Who were these others?”

“I never heard their names.” He answered, his eyes going from the prosecutor to Steve and back again. “But the main one was his lieutenant, and I never really saw his face.. he was always in the shadows of that damn blinking bulb.” He had to pause and take another deep breath before continuing. “They were all brutal, but he was the worst one..”

He talked about how he was struck repeatedly with a hard cylindrical object he would later learn was also electrified, that he was not allowed to stand up for long periods of time. That their favorite targets were the small of his back and the backs of the knees. He’d even had his nose broken for simply attempting to look up. Bucky could feel the tremble in his body, knowing he was getting to the real hard part now. The humiliation that was part of his ‘training’. Being taught to ‘behave’. To comply and follow orders.

_“On your hands and knees Soldat..” _

_A hard whack across the shoulder-blade when he didn’t respond quick enough. Hearing some bone crack. It would heal quickly, they all would. Which made it easier for them to keep hurting him. _

_“Comply..” _

He described these multi-day ‘lessons’ in a flat tone, much like the Soldier himself. Who was essentially telling it through him. He forced his own vernacular as to not sound bonkers with the ‘we’s’ but the Soldier was the one describing it essentially. Down to the purpose of this exercise and what it was leading to.

“He wanted me to… crawl to him.” He admitted. “To kneel in front of him and..” He scrunched his face up, not wanting to use the words, but he knew he had to. “to use my whore mouth on him.. so I knew who my master was..”

It had been said in broken English, seeing as how he hadn’t fully been trained in Russian yet. And even if he had, he was sure the asshole took delight in talking like that to ‘American garbage’ like him. To degrade him in that expert way as a means to an end. It had actually been fun to him, the sadist that he was. The memory caused Bucky’s metal fingers to clench in the grip of his other hand.

“And did you do it?”

“Eventually.” He confessed, not hiding how shameful this was. “I was… resistant at first and there were.. consequences for that.”

“And what were the consequences for that?”

He steadied himself, taking a moment before answering. “The stick.. the one they hit me with.. was electrified.” He told everyone. “It was.. turned on and used.. in places that.. hurt.”

He had to find the words, and the courage to use them, to describe this. He leaned over and dropped his hands between his legs, hiding them from view. Because the urge to scratch was maddening and he had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to stop it. It was taking too much effort to even try. Feeling the metal fingers moving the sleeve up of the other arm and just, stropped trying.

_We have to let it out… _the Soldier spoke in his head. _Or we’ll burn up inside._

Speaking into the microphone, his eyes not connecting with anyone in particular he began to describe his punishment to everyone there. The Soldier helped him with this, providing the calm, but Bucky kept his own vernacular. He told them how he was struck across the head hard enough to daze him. How he was then forcibly strapped face-down while still dazed from the blow. About how the electric rod was applied to various parts of his body, working its way to even more sensitive areas. How every jolt of caused a painful spasm that wracked his body for minutes afterward. And with as even as voice as possible, even as his metal fingers were digging into his flesh arm, he talked about it being put inside him. Feeling the pain all over again in his body as his mind went back to those moments.

“Everything jerked hard and shook.” He explained, his eyes still with that faraway look. “All I could see was the white light in my head, could smell my own… flesh burning..” He felt the sting on his arm but ignored it. “And I… threw up..”

It was hard to describe the feeling of it verbally, the paleness of his face probably did the trick. He had to describe that the shakes in his body took minutes to abate. That afterward it would hurt to sit or even lay on his back, but they would still force him to just the same. That the kind of pain he’d been in at that moment was something he would’ve done anything, absolutely anything to avoid.

“So after this experience..” The prosecutor said, looking a bit ashen herself when asking. “You did what you were told to do?”

“I tried.” Bucky answered, swallowing hard. “As soon I got my…. mouth on him… I got sick.. “ He could now feel a little bit of blood oozing on his wrist but it also felt like relief at the same time. “And I got.. punished again. But I.. eventually got it done.”

The degradation was better than the pain what was said between the lines. And for a while, it didn’t hurt as much. He acquiesced to some of the training and when the fingers were snapped, or the order given, he went down on his knees willingly. But as with anything, the arrangement didn’t last forever. Sooner or later he found himself resisting again in spite of the more practical part of himself saying to just do what they want. Which of course led to the incident in the room. Where the lights blinked. 

“I don’t remember what I did or didn’t do that day… it’s all a blur.” Bucky admitted. “It doesn’t really matter though does it? The result was the same.” He then pulled his sleeve back down, covering the bloody scratches he just made on his arm. “He went at me really hard with that thing and… I reacted..”

The story he’d told Steve, or more precisely, the Winter Soldier had told him, spilled out of him for what he hoped would be the last time. Of how he’d risen up in a red rage, freeing himself from the restraints, and killed the 3 men. Saving the real rage and viciousness for his main torturer. The recall of the blood and the smells and the blinking light bulb over his head caused his voice to waver slightly.

He could see the man’s feet shaking as he held him against the wall and electrocuted him internally. Could smell the blood and burning flesh in his nostrils. Like he was there again. He felt nauseous now too. The light flashing in his head giving him a headache.

“You killed them?” It wasn’t a question.

“No.” He answered anyways. “I destroyed them.”

The prosecutor had one more thing to demonstrated before the break, and Bucky knew it was coming. She’s already gone over it with him. Saying it was important for the council to see some of the instruments of the torture. And even though he knew it was coming, it still increased his nausea just the same.

She pulled something out of a box and Bucky’s eyes went right to. It was hard not recognize it.

He could see the trigger. See the blunt end where the charge came out. It may not have been same one used on him, but it was close enough. “Is this similar to what was used on you?”

Bucky took a moment, pushing back the urge to throw up right there. He was pretty sure his eyes were wide and showing white. That his pupils were dilated because his vision felt distorted. But he was able to nod in affirmation. Identifying it, which had a profound effect on everyone there.

Mostly considering how blunt and menacing the item looked.

The impact was meant to sink in to everyone and did. Especially considering it happened right before the lunch break. They would be back in an hour and Bucky badly needed to get to a bathroom. Shaking everyone off in his haste. He could tell they were worried, but his stomach was doing rolls now.

“I just.. I need.” He told Steve and the others. “I need a minute…”

Or about 10 to be honest. He immediately found the bathroom, the one he and Steve had used the other day, and this time just stumbled into a stall and threw up until there was nothing in his stomach. Until he was just dry heaving now. His whole body was shaking violently, and he could now feel the sting in his arm where he’d scratched it raw as well.

He wasn’t sure how he was going to get through the rest of this.

Giving himself a minute to just clean himself up, he was grateful that no one had followed him yet. That they’d given him a few minutes because he needed it. As much as everyone wanted to help, he’d been told in therapy that the biggest battles were fought by yourself. That no one knew the dark places you had to fight through better than yourself. It was personal. It was yours.

Bucky walked up to the sink, and pulled up his sleeve, seeing the nasty scratches on his arm and felt that guilt and shame that he’d hurt himself again. He knew the Soldier had been right though, he would’ve exploded had he not just done it, but it didn’t change that feeling.

Carefully, Bucky washed the scratches, feeling the sting of the water and the soap as he did. And stared at himself so long and so hard in the mirror it was like he was staring through it. “How am I gonna do this?” He asked himself. “I mean…”

_We will do it together.._ the Soldier said in his head. _We always have.._

Bucky swore he could see him in his own refection again, like a separate person. It felt like support from the only other being that truly understood what he was fighting with. Amelia would say there was a symbolism in that. And he knew she’d be right.

He’d been concentrating so hard he hadn’t noticed anyone come in until he felt the arm that went carefully around his waist. Felt the lips pressed into his neck. “You okay?” A soft voice spoke in his ear, causing him to flinch a little for a moment.

“Not really.” He answered, his posture still stiff at the moment. “I said I wanted to be alone.”

“Yeah well.” Steve whispered to him. “As you told me many times I don’t listen jerk.”

Bucky just turned around and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist. His legs felt a bit wobbly at this point and he leaned into him, silently indicating this. Steve then lifted him up so he could sit on the sink, allowing him just relax the rest of the way and lay his head on his shoulder. He just wanted, needed the comfort for the moment. He was just.. exhausted.

“Yeah I know.” He sighted, closing his eyes. “Thanks for not listening to me punk.”

\--

Eventually Steve stepped back, putting his hand on Bucky’s face to lift it. He could see how exhausted he was already, and the day was only half over. He looked pale and even a little sick but was somehow holding together.

And as Bucky braced himself on the sink, he saw a bit of blood on his arm as well and his heart sank a little. It had been hidden by the dark blue sleeve, but it was difficult to miss. Steve had a brief flash of that day when he’d cut his wrist. When he was bleeding all over the bathroom floor. This wasn’t as bad but it still wasn’t good either.

He picked up the arm, with no objection from Bucky and pulled the sleeve back to see some ugly scratches on the skin there. As painful as this was to see he could hardly blame him for it either. Wasn’t going to be angry about it.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky apologized, the shame clear in his eyes whenever this happened. “It’s just under my skin and I..gotta..”

“It’s okay.” He reassured him. “I get it.”

He would have Pam wrap it up, she had a medical bag with her. But for now, he just wanted to help him out. To calm and settle him before the rest of the day’s testimony. Which would not be any easier than the first half. He brushed Bucky’s hair with his comfortingly, trying his best to do just that.

“Did you get sick too?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky answered, shifting his eyes away. “At least I won’t later.. cause there ain’t nothing left in my stomach.”

Steve put his hands on his face and just gave him a soft kiss as if to comfort him a little. And then pulled back and brushed his hair as Bucky just sat there with his knees on either side of him. He looked so damn tired and he wished he could take him home, but he wasn’t done yet today. And most likely had another full day tomorrow. But even in that tiredness he could see the will to continue in him, the strength that he had in abundance, much more than he gave himself credit for. But he clearly needed a longer breather today.

“I’m gonna call Amelia and see if she can ask the prosecutor for a little extra time okay?” He told Bucky, still holding his face with one hand. “Considering what you’re dealing with today.”

“I don’t need extra time Steve.” Bucky replied with a bit of welcome orneriness. “I’ll be okay.”

Steve just slid his hand over and did a light grip on his hair. “Don’t argue with me jerk.. you need a little more time.”

While he still looked irritated, he didn’t argue further. “Fine.”

He made the call, his other hand still in Bucky’s hair. Seeing him out of the corner of his eyes lower his eyes and wrap his metal arm around Steve’s own forearm. As if for support. While talking to her, he also asked if they could get a private area for medical reasons as well. He was going to get that arm looked at. She said she’d do it, being his therapist, she carried a little weight with that. Said she’d call him right back when she got the answer.

As he was waiting for the callback, he took the opportunity to just talk to him. To keep his head in the present. Not wanting to lecture him on the lack of medication, which he knew contributed to this. Pam would do enough of that for him. Right now, he just wanted to lift his spirits a bit. After hearing him have to talk about such awful things today, the respite he was sure, would be welcome.

“So what’s the first thing you want to when we get home?” He asked. “Whatever you want.”

Bucky gave him an exhausted smile. “I dunno punk I think I just wanna sleep.”

“Yeah I know.” Steve replied pulled his head to him to kiss it. “I mean after that.”

“Maybe we could camp out on the roof again?” Bucky suggested, leaning against Steve’s forehead. “I kinda like doing that sometimes..” He closed his eyes and smiled softly. “Like a vacation in our own home.”

Steve nodded, liking that idea. He gotten the roof of their renovated like that purposely, as a throwback to when they used to sleep out on the roof of their tenements when they were kids on hot days. Bucky really liked it a lot. And during the summer it was a lot of fun for them. They even had an attic entrance where they kept stuff strictly for that purpose.

“Perfect.” Steve replied, letting his fingers run through Bucky’s hair. “Sounds like a date jerk.”

His phone rang at that point and Amelia told him that she’d gotten an extra half an hour and a private area for their medical needs. The prosecutor was very understanding of the stress Bucky was under and had gotten permission from the council to allow the extra time. She and Pam would meet them in the aforementioned room to take care of a few things before they resumed.

“Thanks.” Steve told her gratefully. “We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Handing up he helped Bucky off the counter and put an arm around him to just steady him. “You know I can walk punk.” He said with a little indignance. “Been doing it since I was a kid.”

“Just accept the help will ya?” Steve teased him, walking him out. “And you call me stubborn.”

“Point taken.” Bucky answered, allowing himself to lean on him a little. “I do have image to keep up though punk.. just saying.”

He got him to the room in question, managing to avoid too many prying eyes. And Pam and Amelia were both there. The others had relocated nearby which was a nice support system as well. He sat Bucky down and let Pam look him over while Amelia pulled him aside to talk to him.

“Is he off his medication?” She asked, it almost wasn’t a question. It was like she already knew.

Steve nodded, not bothering to deny that. “Yeah.” He confirmed. “For a few days. I wanted to say something but.”

“You were respecting his privacy.” She finished, giving him a comforting smile. “I understand.” She pulled him aside a little more. “I could tell, because he’s clearly having a harder time as this goes on. I’ll talk to him when she’s done.”

“Thanks.” He said honestly. “He doesn’t always listen to me.”

Amelia laughed a little at that. “He’s said that goes both ways.” She told him. “But he also says you’re remarkably patient with him so you’re toing alright too.”

Steve felt a little relief that Bucky had said that as well. Dealing with him was difficult and stressful and he’d had to learn to stay patient and not get too angry. It was extremely difficult though and Bucky himself kept stressing that he needed to continue his own therapy as well. Was adamant about it in fact

As if Amelia knew this she asked him a question. “How are you doing Steve?”

“Okay I guess but.. it’s not easy sometimes.” He admitted, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. “Especially when he’s like this.. when he.. hurts himself like that.” He looked up at her, just looking for advice, maybe some insight. “I wish I could help him with that so he wouldn’t feel the need to.”

“I’ve seen may people do this when they are under stress.” Amelia explained, saying as much as she was allowed to. “It’s a way to release pressure from the inside. When you pent things inside they have to come out somewhere.” She put her hand on his arm in comfort. “The best way you can help him is just to get him talk about it. I know that’s hard but it’s the best way.”

Steve nodded, thankful for her for these things. “I’ll try.”

“Remember Steve you’re already doing the best you can.” She told him. “But please remember to take care of yourself too.”

“I know.” He said with a chuckle. “Bucky tells me that all the time.”

They both turned and watched as Pam cleaned up Bucky’s arm. He was looking forward to when this was over and they could go home. He really wanted to be there right now. To get that peace back that had gone away the minute that bastard had reared his ugly head.

For now he just had to wait though. And that felt endless.

\--

He watched as Pam looked over his arm and then began cleaning it. There was concern but no judgement in her look. But he still felt that send of shame over it. It had been awhile since he’d done this, and he knew it had something to do with being off the meds. Because his moods were all over the place now and he just, couldn’t calm down.

“You kind of mangled yourself this time.” She observed, cleaning out the four individual scratches from each of his fingers. “You’re off the meds aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” He admitted, knowing there was no use in lying about it. “I was starting to feel… dulled out and just to… feel it.”

“Well you’re definitely feeling it.” She told him, as she finished them out and retrieved her dressing. “You know your super immunity does not cover infections right?”

He knew that. It was why he’d gotten the pneumonia. If it was viral his body kicked it right out but the bacterial stuff, he got really bad. He got over it faster than most, but it still kicked his ass. He understood why Pam was worried about this.

“You’re on that medication to stabilize your moods, not to be controlled you know that right?” She asked as she wrapped his arm up with some gauze. “Your brand of PTSD causes extreme moods swings and that’s why you need them or things like this will happen. Yes you might feel clearer in the short term but the longer you stay off them the worse it will get you understand?”

“Yeah.” He answered, feeling properly lectured now. “I do now.”

The truth was, it had, at first, helped him be clearer, and even intensified certain feelings. Some in a very good way. Like the pleasure from sex, not that he needed much increase there, his orgasm were always intense, but it had sort of increased a bit of it. But it had also intensified his visions and was causing more flashbacks and nightmares. Making sleep more difficult as well. And he knew it was his own stubbornness and sense of not wanting to be ‘controlled’ that had caused him to keep it up for a few days. But it was taking a toll.

“I can give you something now to relax you.” She told him, looking him right in the eyes. “But I want you start taking your meds again. It will help trust me. Because you can’t keep doing this to yourself either.”

He had learned from her and Amelia that the scratching was a form of self-harm that was often used to released pressure build-up. Amelia had said this often happened with people who’d suffered abuse like his. It was a release of those intense feelings of guilt and shame. And that it could be dangerous, causing infections under the skin. So he’d stopped for a while, but after he’d nearly died again and the stress of the trial he was feeling the build-up again of that intense burn under his skin, and nothing was relieving it. The medication had kept it at baby but, he’d undone that.

“Okay.” He agreed, flexing his arm as she finished wrapping it up. “I’ll try.”

She smiled, going into her bag for the sedative. “I guess that’s the best I can hope for.”

She gave him a shot, one that she would be fast acting but wasn’t going to put him to sleep. It would just level him out for now. And lord knows he needed it. She also told him she’d check on him again late and redress the cuts as well. And passed him over to Amelia for a little bit.

Everyone, including Steve, gave them a little time alone. They had about a half an hour.

“You want to talk about it?” She asked him, not demanding, just suggesting. “Or we can talk about whatever you want.”

“I just.. thought I had that under control.” He admitted, pulling his sleeve down over the gauze. “Guess I didn’t.”

“You’re under a lot of pressure.” She explained to him. “It’s understandable.”

“I just know I’m gonna have to talk about him.. about what he did too.” He told her, looking down at his hands. “And he’s gonna be right there and.. I’m not scared of him anymore but..”

“You’re scared of what you have to say.”

“Yeah.” He replied, biting his lip. “As if what I already admitted to wasn’t bad enough.”

“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now Bucky but.. going up there and saying these things. Pointing the finger at him, it’s going to help you.” She explained to him. “It may take a while for you to realize it, but it will help you move on from this.”

He nodded, doing his best to believe that. And he knew his time was almost up. Flexing his hand, he could feel the sting of his scratches and the pull of the tape on his skin. It was thankfully hidden under his sleeve. Which he was somewhat glad for. But a part of him also realized that it didn’t matter if anyone saw it either. What would he have to hide at that point? By the time he was done everyone would know everything. There was a freedom in that idea.

“Guess it’s time to go back.” He said with a brave smile.

He walked back in, called back for the second half of the day. And he felt a little calmer. Partly from the sedative he knew, but also from the knowledge that the sooner he did this, the sooner it would be over. Taking the stand, he scanned for everyone again. Scanned for Steve. And found him. He gave him the strongest look he could and rested his arm on the bannister next to the microphone. Keeping it safe from the other one for now.

“Welcome back Sergeant Barnes.” The prosecutor said, her look sympathetic. “Are you ready to continue?”

He took a deep breath and looked right at her. “Yes I am.”

“Can you tell us what the consequences were for killing those men?”

“I was knocked out and when I woke up I was chained up int that same room.” He told them. “They hadn’t bothered dressing me or cleaning me up. They just took the bodies out.” His eyes got hard as it started to come out. “That’s when he came in.”

“Who came in?”

“Him.” Bucky said firmly, pointing at the Colonel with no hesitation. “That’s when he made… deal with me.”

Remembering the way he’d twisted his wrist in the handcuff. The way the Soldier had growled at him. Or was it the Soldier? He wasn’t sure but he remembered the feeling just the same. Remembered the way he’d touched him and felt the uneasy feeling as he did. He recalled all of this in a split second, but his metal hand kept gripping the chair as he did.

“And what deal was that?”

“That if I cooperated, did everything I was ‘supposed’ to do.. they’d stop hurting me.” He explained, his eyes flicking over him to disdainfully. “That I might get food and water.. a better place to sleep.” His jaw clenched a little thinking of this. “I was so.. broken I guess I believed it.. but it was a lie.” He glared at the man now. “He always lied.”

“Tell us what happened.” She asked, stepping closer. “Tell us what that man did to you.”

Bucky took a deep, shuddering breath, readying himself to tell them this. “At first he was true to his word. I got food and water, a more comfortable cell. And I cooperated with the training and conditioning. I even got clothes to wear but then..” He paused, taking another deep breath. “It changed.”

“How did it change?”

“It changed when he came in drunk, tossed his favorite chain around my neck and dragged me away.” He explained, his fingers tapping slightly on the bannister. “To his chambers.”

He felt into the memory of it, recalling it for everyone. A part of him going away as he did. Out of necessity.

_This is your punishment Soldat.. _he heard that voice in his head say. _When you disobey an order.._

He was there again, the sting in his wrist reminding him of turning that same risk in a handcuff this time… twisting it as he was hurt yet again_…_ And began to speak about this part of it. Making the direct accusation against the guilty party that was staring at him.

\--

Steve, along with everyone else, listening to Bucky, with a deadpan evenness, describe the details of being viciously assaulted by the man at the table. It was hard to hear. He knew it had happened, but Bucky was recounting details he hadn’t necessarily shared yet with him. He’d warned him about this. But being warned never prepares anyone. Hell he’d known about what the other had done and hearing it again hadn’t helped either.

But this was worse, because the perpetrator was present this time. Right in his line of sight too.

“He wanted me to.. do what I did with the other had.. he even snapped his fingers to get me down on my knees but.. I wouldn’t do it for some reason.” Bucky said, his brow creasing as if confused by this. “It pissed him off and he yanked the chain hard, which caused me to fall.” His eyes were far away, that thousand-yard stare that Steve had gotten familiar with. “It was the kind of a chain you.. used to train a dog. A choke chain. The harder you resist the tighter it gets.”

The prosecutor put a picture on the screens at that point. “Like this?”

It showed a type of chain similar to what one would imagine. “Yeah.” Bucky answered in an even voice. “Like that.” He seemed to swallow hard. “It was really hard to breathe.”

He described how, in spite of the super-strength he had, the chain was so tight he couldn’t breath and therefore couldn’t really fight against it.. He then talk how he was dragged by it and nearly blacked out. How his hands were put in restraints on a bedframe and that he was face down when he came to. And said what he was told at that moment.

“He said.. ‘this is your punishment Soldat. For not obeying an order..’” Bucky told them, and Steve could see the tremble in his hand as he spoke. Minute but visible. “He… raped me and… I was still healing from before so it.. really hurt.” He swallowed hard at that moment. “A lot. I was bleeding for a while after.”

Steve could hear everyone else’s reaction to his words, and felt Wanda’s hand flex on his, angrily he was sure. He knew she’d known something, she’d seen inside Bucky’s head, seen these horrible images but hearing it was very affecting. Steve squeezed her hand back and he swore he could feel her sad, yet angry vibe from the knowledge. See a red glow in her eyes as she looked over at the man in question.

Bucky went on to describe that it had happened more than once too. That for a while he’d gotten kind of used to it. Like a routine. In between going on those first preliminary training missions. Although he told them, they said he was getting ‘unpredictable’ and ‘unstable’ sometimes. Lashing out for reasons he didn’t quite get because at that point he really had no idea who he was anymore. The Colonel kept him as a ‘pet’ basically during this time. Made him sleep there as well, chained to that same bedframe.

He said his memories at that point were very broken and very confused as he was fully transferring to into his Winter Soldier personal. His training nearly complete at this point, but his mind still kept trying to repair itself, a byproduct of the serum no doubt. He thought it might’ve been one of these confusing breeches of memory that had contributed to the incident that basically ended his ‘relationship’ with the Colonel.

“He got.. complacent I guess.” Bucky said, looking at the man in question. “Thought he had me under control and.. he forgot the chain and.. there was a knife and I.. just cut a piece of him off one night.”

It didn’t have to be explained to anyone what he meant by that. Steve felt some satisfaction at that. Especially at the way Bucky looked at the man at that moment. That hard look that showed the man he wasn’t scared of him anymore. There was almost a malicious smile on Bucky’s face. The hard, fearless look of the Soldier. And saw the angry, yet obviously scared look of the man in his line of sight.

“There was a punishment for that wasn’t there?”

“Basically they decided it was better to put me in the freeze for a while.” He said, turning his attention back to her. “They figured out a routine that worked. That kept me under control. Basically, freeze, thaw, wipe and program.” There was a bitterness in his voice. “Wash, rinse, repeat.”

This had been the conclusion for his testimony today. He had one more at least Steve knew. But this one had been the hardest for them all to get through. And all Steve wanted to do was just pull him down from there and wrap him up at the hotel. But to be honest, he didn’t know where Bucky was mentally at this point.

As he came over, Steve tentatively reached a hand out to touch his arm. “You ready to go?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah.”

He looked tight and so he didn’t push the touching or the handling yet. Just kept his hand on his arm lightly. Everyone was treading lightly with him today. He still had a wary, hyper-alert look of someone caught in unpleasant memories. Who didn’t want to touched just yet because they felt.. dangerous. But Steve hoped this would help him finally put that part away. That it would cathartic.

Bucky was quiet on the way home again and Steve sure as hell didn’t push that at all.

It was only when they’d gotten inside the hotel room, away from any prying eyes did his demeanor change at all. He turned and threw his arms around Steve’s neck and just kissed him fiercely. Steve barely had time to react to this, but didn’t fight it either, just let him practically climb on him like that.

“I want your hands on me punk.” He growled against Steve’s lips, his hands pulling Steve’s shirt out of where it was tucked in. “I need it.. please..”

As much he felt the urge to just pick him up and do just that, he knew he wasn’t in the best place right now either. So he pulled back just a little, getting his hand into that brown hair to calm him just a bit. “In a minute Buck.” He told him, softly gripping his hair. “I don’t think you’re okay just yet.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it Steve.” Bucky said with a heavy sigh. “I’ve done enough talking today to last me a damn lifetime.”

Steve reached down and picked up his flesh arm, pulling the sleeve back as he did. “We didn’t talk enough about this.” He told him, getting a slightly better grip on his hair now. “You hurt yourself again and I’m not going to let you distract me from that yet.”

He wasn’t sure if he was going to talk. It was as if he once again had to find it inside or something. He could see his blue eyes sort of shifting to the right as if trying to recall a memory. Or just searching in general.

“I guess it started with the shackles.” Bucky said quietly, lifting his eyes back up to look in Steve’s again. “And the.. cuffs.. we he would…I used to twist my wrist in them until it were raw.. maybe if it was just to see if I could feel anything..” He seemed to think for a moment and added. “But maybe it was the same reason I do it now. To let the burn out.”

He could picture him twisting his wrist in those horrible things as he was being hurt. Or when he was alone. See the raw skin start to bleed. Releasing the anger, the scream behind his lips. Let the demons out before e they tore him apart inside.

His grip loosened in his hair and he leaned his head forward against Bucky’s. “You’ve been feeling that lately I know.. I should’ve seen it.”

“You can’t if I hide it from you punk.” Bucky answered, lifting his hands to Steve’s face. “I didn’t want to worry you. I do that way too much.”

Steve just picked up that wrist and kissed it right on the bandage while still looking him in the eye. “You don’t have to do that anymore Buck.” He whispered to him. “I told you before, if you need to scratch do it me not yourself..”

“Steve I don’t wanna …”

Steve didn’t let him finish, pulled his lips to his and kissed him again, lifting him off his feet this time as he did. Using one hand to do it, keeping the other fisting his hair. “Whatever you need tonight.” He breathed against his lips. “I’m here..”

He was going to take him to bed and give him whatever he wanted. Whatever he needed to blow this shit out of his head again. To cleanse the wound and move past it for good. He’d spoken it, told everyone what had been done to him, now he could truly start to let it go.

Bucky responded by gripping his shirt, and Steve could feel the sharpness of those metal fingers on his back. And didn’t care if he tore him up tonight. Not in the slightest. With Bucky’s legs wrapped around him he took him to the bed and put him on it.

Bucky looked up at him with those needy teal colored eyes, as they removed each other’s clothing. “Steve?”

“What?” He asked, bracing himself on the bed to look in his eyes.

“Fuck me good.” Bucky breathed to him, his metal fingers wrapping around the back of his neck. “Hard.” His eyes glinted with need and desire. “I wanna forget that bastard ever touched me.”

He growled softly, pulling Bucky’s hips against in that possessive way. After listening to what he’d listened to today, he wanted to just reclaim him all over again. And his words, telling to make him forget were all he needed to fulfill this desire in him.

“Whatever you want..” He told him, pulling his legs around his hips. “I’m here for..”

And then he just sunk himself into him, letting all that tension and did exactly what he asked. He’d give him anything really.

\--

Bucky gripped Steve’s back, feeling his fingers dig in, scratching and maybe drawing a little blood, he wasn’t sure. Steve didn’t seem to mind, in fact it just made him growl and fuck him harder as a result. And this was exactly what he needed right now. To blow all the gunk out and start fresh.

He wanted that filthy feeling he’d had recounting all that, gone. Wanted to feel Steve’s hands and body on his. To feel him pounding deep inside him. To be reminded that it was over. That that would never happen again. And the fact that Steve would offer his body up for him to rip up in the process had made him all kinds of emotional as well. Which added to his pleasure factor.

He wrapped his legs tighter around him, almost mewling and scratching even more, his head falling back, giving Steve more room to get at his neck. To claim him as all over again.

His moans turned louder, the bed banging against the wall, feeling everything just washing off with every deep thrust into him. Every time Steve growled his name into his ear. Every time he called him his Soldier. Because that part of him was active too. Responding in kind to those intoxicating words.

“Our Steve..” He purred, digging the metal fingers sharply into his neck. “My punk..”

As always he came more than once. Both times screaming it out hoarsely as he did. The second time he was kissed fiercely as Steve pushed deep inside and held himself there before letting go himself. The ensuing feeling caused Bucky to just gray out in the sweetest way possible, clinging to his love’s body as he drifted away into that sweet place. The one he felt safe going to. A place where none of that terrible pain had ever penetrated.

He had a sensation of being moved and wrapped up in a warm pair of arms. Of purring sweetly against a warm body. Of just being warm period. There was no feeling like this in his mind. Of feeling this warm and safe now. The horrors he recalled were in his past, and he could now keep them there. No one would ever hurt him like that again.

Opening his eyes, could see nothing but Steve’s chest in front of his eyes. Which was a beautiful sight he had to admit. He smiled and nuzzled his skin, feeling those fingers still in his hair, combing through it. He wanted to stay like this forever if that was possible. To never go back to that building again. But he knew he had to. Had to finish his story. But for nows he just enjoyed the peace and quiet.

“Feel better?” Steve asked him from above somewhere.

“Sure do.” He replied, smiling against his skin. “Lots better.”

He felt Steve’s other hand lift his flesh hand to his lips and kiss it. Each of the fingers, the palm, and the wrist underneath. And then the gauze on it as well and it felt so soothing. So healing it actually made him feel emotional, causing him to hid his face, remembering their conversation earlier.

“How about this?” Steve asked. “How’s this feel?”

“It stings a little but it’s managable.” He admitted. “How’s your back?”

“Same.” Steve said, chuckling a little. “But it’s worth it to me.”

“It’s worth getting your back ripped up punk?” He asked, still not looking up.

“Yes It is jerk.” Steve replied. “As long it keeps you from hurting yourself.”

Bucky rose up at that and slid onto to him, putting his hands on his face. “I don’t like hurting you Steve.” He whispered to him, leaning his face against his. “I don’t.”

“It’s okay Buck.” Steve told him, looking up at him with those soft blue eyes. “I wanna take the pain for you sometimes because.. you’ve been hurt enough.”

Bucky bit his lip at that and just wrapped his hands more around Steve’s head, pulling it to his lips to kiss it. Trying to keep the stupid tears out of his eyes as he did. He then felt Steve sit up under him, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s waist and burying his face against his chest. And Bucky understood that Steve had learned so much more about what had happened to him. Had felt his pain with him. That he was emotional too. So he held him like that, burying his face in that blonde hair he loved so damn much.

“I love you so damn much punk.” He said into that hair. “I really do.”

“And I love you.” Steve replied in what sounded like an emotional voice. “It’s why I do anything for you.” His hands wrapped tighter around Bucky’s waist, holding him to him. “Anything.”

He could feel the scratches on Steve’s back as he hugged him tighter and understood the pain Steve felt at seeing the ones on him. When he’d seen any marks on him at all. He wrapped his hand around his head and just held him tighter, wanting to comfort him too. After today they both needed it badly.

“I promise It will get better Steve.” Bucky whispered into his hair. “I’ll be better.”

Steve lifted his head up to look up at him. “You already are Buck.” He told him, his hand running over his back, up and down sweetly. “You already beaten them.”

He knew he was right. He had. Tomorrow he knew he would have to go back and talk about the things he himself did. But now that people knew his story. Now that he’d heard his own story and accepted it, it didn’t seem as daunting a task. He knew where the blame was now. And knew the power he held as well. People were listening. They were going to know where the guilt lay now. He was going to burn the whole thing down tomorrow and after today, after his moments of doubt, he’d never felt stronger than he did now, knowing he could, and would do this.

He had survived. And now, he was making them accountable for all of it. All he had to do was find the courage to bury the knife tomorrow and end it for good.

Whatever came after that would be the start of something new.

“I haven’t yet punk.” He said with a sure voice. “But I will soon.”

He took Steve’s face in his hands and kissed him again, getting a much more comfortable position on his lap as he did. Wanting to make love again. To do it all night until they were exhausted. Feeling Steve’s hands gripping his ass in that pleasant and possessive way, causing him to smile against his lips. Thinking maybe he’d bring the Soldier out for fun this time.

So he wiggled on his lap, stirring him again as he sucked on his tongue teasingly. “We want our Steve inside us again.” He purred against his lips, letting that other part slip out. “We like that so much..”

It had the desired effect of his hips being moved until he was in the proper position to slip inside again. Mission accomplished. The Soldier moaned and kissed him harder, taking his Steve with gusto, seriously testing the solidness of the bedframe yet again without the least regard for it.

“My Soldier..” Steve growled as they went deeper into it. “My Bucky… Mine..”

This was music to him and the Soldier’s ears because it was the truth. He would always be his and his alone.

\--

He held him onto him, but at the same let him go as well. The Soldier version of Bucky was even more enthusiastic, pounding himself onto Steve in way that might’ve been painful for others, but didn’t seem to bother him. He was, in a way, like a child who deprived of sweets, who was now overdosing on them. Couldn’t get enough.

It was that hungry, almost feral look that filled Steve with the desire to give him all candy he wanted.

And he seemed to like being on top as well. Controlling it a way. When he was thinking about it later, because honestly when they fucking, he didn’t think much at all, it seemed strangely fitting with the things he now knew. It was the part of Bucky that had hadn’t had control for so long, that was taking it back in so many ways himself, and through the Soldier as well.

But whatever it was, it was so intoxicating. So wild, so primal he couldn’t help but go harder himself.

Steve found himself gripping his hair tightly, feeling the Soldiers hands on his shoulders as he seemed to almost slam down against him, wanting more. They’d kiss hungrily, tongues twisting around each other deliciously, swallowing each other’s moans and whines. He then would rip his lips away and pull that gorgeous brown hair back before sinking his teeth into his neck, just under his ear.

The cry that came from that just about pushed him over the edge

They both came in quick succession, one right after the other. And this felt like the greatest orgasm yet to Steve, causing him to see stars as he back collapsed against the headboard with the Soldier laying in his arms, both of them breathing hard, not quite disconnecting yet.

“Hmm..” He heard him purr against his chest. “Our Steve…”

Steve was never one hundred percent certain which one it was sometimes. Because sometimes Bucky lapsed into that vernacular himself. He had to remind himself sometimes that they were one in the same. He thought, as he was holding him, how interesting it was how well you accepted the person you loved, all their strange proclivities. Accepted their madness. At least if you truly love them, like he did with Bucky. True love was true acceptance.

He let his hand wander down his back and began to rub him softly where he knew he got sore, even if he never complained. Just took care of him like he always did and heard a sound very much like a purr come out of him. Whichever part of his mind he was in right now.

His own body felt the vestiges of his own powerful orgasm and a thought had occurred him. It was just so intense, more than usual, when Bucky gave over to his Soldier personality. It’s like he became even more fearless then. Steve was thinking about what it would be like if Bucky, as the Soldier, decided to top him and how that would feel.

The idea of that, with the no holds barred way they had sex when he was in that state, just made his body actually quake at the thought. He thought about asking about it, but today didn’t seem like the right day. Bucky was just starting to get comfortable with topping him again, and still held back a little he could tell. He still had some residual fear of hurting him. He didn’t want to push him into anything yet. But the idea was there, and he knew someday he’d asked for it. And knew it would be incredible.

Right now he just to continue to make sure he was okay.

“Been a long day.” He said after a bit. “How you feeling?”

“We feel okay I guess.” The Soldier answered, nuzzling his face right under Steve’s chin. “Tired.”

“How about Bucky?” He asked, continuing to rub his rhim gently. “How’s he?”

“He’s resting.” The Soldier answered. “He’s really tired.”

“Well maybe you should both sleep.” Steve suggested, pulling the blanket over him. “Got another long day tomorrow.”

“He was staring at us today.” The Soldier said suddenly, wrapping the flesh arm around him, bandage bright against his skin. “The way he used to stare then. We don’t like it.” He shifted in Steve’s arms as if to get closer to him. “It’s why we scratched. We needed to. Needed to let the screams out.”

Steve wrapped him up a little more in his arms, holding him very close. Bucky had said he’d started that a long time ago. Had turned his wrist in the chains and the straps during the torture and the assaults. What the Soldier was essentially was that it was an outlet for the pain he was suppressing during it all. Which he had read between the lines when Bucky talked to him earlier. When he’d testified about the violations committed against him. It was easy to put it together now. The Soldier always filled in the blanks Bucky couldn’t sometimes.

“Well you don’t have to have to do that anymore you know that right?” Steve told him, lifting his arm and kiss ed it right on the gauze again. “You can scream as loud as you want if you need to.”

The Soldier looked up at him with bright eyes. “We do know.” He told him before curling back into him. “Steve always lets us scream.” He smiled softly. “Sometimes lets us scratch too.”

Hearing him say that just re-enforced his resolve to let him claw at him when he needed to. To let him vent and exorcise those demons whatever way he needed to. Continuing to encourage every outlet the way Bucky had always done for him. He did love him that much.

“Damn right I do.” He answered himself, pressing his lips to his Soldier’s head. “And let me tell you a little secret” He nuzzled his face against his. “I like when you scratch me.”

The smiled that crossed his face was all Bucky and he was sure he was sliding back in again. He was kissed at that moment, softly. His flesh hand wrapped around Steve’s back, fingers trailing over those said scratches on his skin, causing a sweet sting as they trailed over them.

“I know you do punk.” He whispered against Steve’s lips. “We both do.”

Steve smiled as he lips pulled away, nuzzling the mark he’d left on Bucky’s neck, and continuing to massage him down below. And Bucky cuddled against him at the same time, his fingers doing a gentle caress over the marks he’d left as well. They took care of each other, always had, and always would.

\--

His final day of testimony was no less difficult, but he felt much stronger today than ever. He returned the glare from the Colonel, not giving an inch today. His arms were even folded in front of him on the bannister, the white of the fresh gauze peeking out under his sleeve. There wasn’t any shame there, but a strength of being able to let this show now. A freedom.

“Do you remember how you were programmed?” He was asked, drawing his attention directly back to the task at hand.

“I don’t remember details.” He said honestly. “A lot of it was planted subconsciously. It’s what the words were for, to draw out the programming because they had to keep.. wiping me.”

“Because you’d start remembering.”

“Yeah I was told my brain kept… healing itself.” He explained. “That’s why they had to keep doing it.”

He talked about having vague memories of pneumonic repetition. Things said over and over again, while in a suggestive state. They would continue to sleep deprive and drug him to do this. It had been during the torture and abuse and continued after. The Colonel himself had participated in this as well, even while using him as a personal toy for his pleasure and amusement. The memories of these suggestive sessions and subliminal learning were very vague, fractured and unfocused. Amelia had said that his mind was in flux, transforming into the Winter Soldier machine. It was a similar state to when he had escaped as well, when he was transforming back. Those memories would never be completely clear.

“It was like a haze, part of me sliding away and another part rising up.” He continued, tenting his hands on the bannister. “It was just so hard to fight it anymore.” He flicked his eyes in the direction of the Colonel. “Doing what I did to him was.. my last act of real defiance and I paid for that too.”

“Along with the indoctrination you were trained to kill. What methods were used to teach you?”

“It was very hands on from what I remember.” He told them, searching his mind for these memories as well. “There were… people brought in for demonstrations.” His face pinched a little. “They brought them from the Gulag.”

He hadn’t known it at the time but had learned this later. The Soviets had used political prisoners as test subjects for him to learn on. He remembered how some of that begged for their lives and how others just seemed to want to die. These memories were just as horrific as the ones of his abuse and torture. Watching the Colonel and others demonstrate proper technique on how kill someone quickly. He’d personally him and some others kill people. Had gotten very desensitized to that after a while. And he told everyone this.

And that he he’d already had a useful skill as well. His shooting ability. Which brought forth another horrible memory.

“They used to let them out, let them try to run and have me… shoot them to test my skills and..” He said and paused, taking a deep breath. “They were just targets.. they meant nothing to them at all.”

“What about to you?”

“At the time I didn’t feel anything. It was just orders.” He said, feeling haunted by all of them. “I’d long since forgotten who I was by then..”

He felt that guilt so terribly. That sense that he’d ben disposing of their garbage in a sense even then. Before they’d even sent him out. His fingers shook slightly, and he found Steve’s eyes again and looked at him, trying to find that fortitude again. That courage that he’d felt earlier.

_How’s your conscience lately?_ He’d remember that note saying on their car over a week ago. _I hope it’s eating you alive your murdering bastard.._

“Some of this happened prior to your attack on the Colonel?”

“Some of it yes.” He admitted. “Like I said, that was the last time I fought back.”

“According to the public files that were released the Winter Soldier was used for at least 30 assignments over a 50 year period staring in the early 60’s.” The prosecutor stated. “Which was after that incident correct?”

“Yeah.” Bucky told her, glaring over at the Colonel. “I was pulled out for the first around 1960 I think.. I’m not sure exactly.”

“Can you remember any of these assignments?”

“Some of them.” He admitted, looking up for a moment and seeing Tony before looking back at her. “They just come back.. randomly sometimes and it’s like something out of a nightmare.. one you can’t wake up from it. Cause it actually happened.

He recounted a few here and there, the ones he had coherent memories of. Which were matched for cases credited to him. The names attached didn’t help. Steve and Amelia had both been right on that part. They were people with lives and families, who’d just crossed or stood in the way of the organizations plans. And had to be eliminated.

“I didn’t know anything about them.” He sated, the emotion in his voice quite apparent. “They were just missions that had to be completed.” He scrunched his face, pulling back that emotion a little. “Failure wasn’t an option.”

“What would happen if you failed?”

“Very bad things.” Bucky answered. “Even if I didn’t remember the punishment specifically, a part of me did.. and I… “He bit his lip at this admission. “I wanted to please them.. so maybe they wouldn’t.. hurt me.”

It was the Soldiers’ thought process, but his own voice saying it. It was true though. He knew had Amelia had explained to him, and in her own testimony of how he’d been conditioned to believe he had to do those things. That they were the ones that saved him, and he owed them. They were only ones who cared about him. That he felt a loyalty to them and needed to protect their interests. She had explained the Stockholm Syndrome that developed in him. Even to this day Bucky still felt horrible that he’d ever believed any of it. Had believed anything they said at all really.

“You feel remorse for all of them don’t you?”

“I feel it all the time.” He confessed, this time letting the emotion into his voice. “I’m the one that killed them and I can’t take that back no matter what I do or say I.. I can’t.”

“That’s why you’re here aren’t you?” She asked, her own voice sympathetic. “For them.”

“Yeah.” He said softly. “I took their lives the least I can do is try to get them some justice.”

“What about for yourself? Don’t you deserve justice too?”

He went back and forth in his head on that. He was told so many he deserved it too but being reminded of everything he’d done as well made him question again why he deserved anything good. After depriving all those people of the right to live because why? Because he’d been hurt? Because he wasn’t strong enough to resist it, to keep fighting to fight back.

_How hard were you supposed to fight?_ Steve and others had asked. _For how long?_

He didn’t know why he still, after all this time, couldn’t accept that he’d been victimized too. That he might have been the biggest one of all. He looked at Steve and the others and saw love and support. Saw acceptance. And he sensed it from more than just them. Had sensed more and more growing support and acceptance.

“I’m still not sure about that yet.” He finally said, as honestly as possible. “It’s complicated.”

There was a break called at one point and he definitely needed it. But this time he spent it not just with Steve or his therapist. He spent it with everyone that was there for him.

Wanda put her hands on his face and leaned her head against his, and he could feel the warmth of those softly glowing hands. Which could destroy building, just like his arm, but were so soft and comforting to him. “You’re almost there.” She told him, speaking inside his head where only he could hear her. “You can finish this.”

“You got this Barnes.” Sam said as well, his hand on his shoulder. “You’re a tough bastard.”

They were all around him, it was circle of support and let himself draw strength from all of them in that moment. He was in the homestretch now. Could see the finish line. And decided he was sprint right toward it to see what beyond it.

\--

Steve listened as Bucky detailed his last set of missions. Even talking about that bastard Pierce at one point. Revealing a few things Steve hadn’t known at the time but it was very enlightening.

“You’re talking Alexander Pierce, former head of S.H.E.I.L.D correct?”

“Yeah him.” Bucky confirmed. “He was my last handler, gave me my mission to kill Steve and Nat. Andas I was sitting there I actually saw him kill his own maid with a gun I’d provided for him. Like it was nothing to him.” His eyes were hard and sharp now as he talked. “They were all like that.”

Bucky went on to describe how after he’d remembered Steve, he’d been smacked hard, saying it almost like it was nothing new. Just another abusive handler.Described that smug asshole in a suit, fresh from his nice home, ordering him to be wiped again like a computer that needed it hard drive cleaned out. And added an interesting detail as well. Something Steve had almost forgotten about that just made it that much worse.

“His father served with me in my unit.” Bucky said with bitterness. “He was a good man, his son was an ungrateful piece of shit. Aligned himself with same bastards that held his father hostage.”

Just detailing the type of sociopathic pieces of shit worked for this organization.

He then went to describe his eventual escape from Hydra, talking about his time on the run, to what happened in Berlin with Zemo, and beyond that. Returning to Siberia and his stay in Wakanda, where he’d psychically recovered and gotten the programming out of him.

When it turned to his incarceration Steve saw him waver slightly but then find his voice again. “They kept me away from Steve and kept wanting answers from me all the time.” He explained as best he could. “I was strapped down and drugged pretty regularly. “ He got an angry look. “It was like I was back with Hydra all over again. “

Steve felt angry about this. The deception and the treatment. It had taken Bucky a long time to talk about this too. But like everything else it finally came out. And like everything else, every new admission seemed make him stronger. He could see him realizing he was close to done. That it was almost over now.

He couldn’t have loved him more, watching him tell his story, as painful as it was.

He talked about how he struggle to put himself back together again. How he had, in a miraculous way, managed to repair his mind and master its odd behavior. That he was learning to live with his illness and even though he didn’t say himself, everyone could see a strong person. A survivor, as he talked about this journey as well.

“I’m never gonna be normal I know.” He said, taking what looked like a cleansing breath, clasping his hands together, letting people see the bandage he wore today. “I’ll always be a bit messed up.. but I’ve learned to live with that I suppose.”

The last leg of this involved questioning about the series of events that had brought him here. About the stalking and harassment. About what had motivated his choice to go after the man in the first place.

“He threatened Steve.” Bucky said simply. “He’s the most important person in my life.” His eyes were firm, his feelings showing clearly. “He IS my life. And after everything else he took from me.. I would not let him take that too.”

“So you have no regrets about that?”

“No more than I have for cutting his damn dick off.” Bucky said, casting a glare in his direction. “And for that I have none whatover.”

Steve felt a tremendous amount of love and pride with that crude, yet right to the point statement. His heard just about swelled with it. What he saw there was that confident, defiant Bucky.

“Sergeant Barnes, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that your testimony these last few days has been very moving, and very brave.” The prosecutor told him. “Thank you for sharing your story.”

When he walked off, Steve got up to meet him at the end of the aisle. Bucky walked over to him and after one moment of staring at each other they embraced to the sound of spontaneous applause. There was also the sound of cameras taking what would be a very famous picture of this cathartic moment. Used in several newspapers and magazines around the world. But neither of them cared at the moment. It was like it was just them, the whole world was each other.

“You’re all done Buck.” Steve whispered in his ear, wrapping his hand around his head. “You did it.”

Bucky just nodded into his shoulder as they stood there just like that a few minutes longer. “I did didn’t I?” He replied, pulling back slightly to smile at him. “Now what?”

“I don’t know.” Steve said, putting his hand on his face. “But we’ll figure it out like we always do.” He saw Bucky close his eyes and realized how tired her looked. Exhausted actually. “How about for now I just get you out of here?”

Bucky just leaned against him for a moment. “Yeah sounds good to me punk.”

They had an invitation to get dinner, but they politely declined for now. Bucky actually looked like might fall over so Steve wanted to take him back to the hotel and order in. He wanted to get him out of the crowd of people and reporters that wanted to talk to him too. He needed some quiet after the last few days. Some serious rest. So they got through it, declining comment for now.

Bucky barely made it up the elevator, and just about collapsed on the bed. Looking like he would just fall asleep right there with his clothes on. “Want a little help there jerk?” He asked him, amused at seeing him struggle a bit lazily with his longed sleeved shirt.

“I do know how undress myself punk.” Bucky shot in a grouchy way before smiling a little. “Although you are an expert at taking my clothes off so why not?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Steve told him and leaned over him to help him at least get his jeans off. And his shirt as well so he was at least in his underclothes. Which might as well have been pajamas because he had little energy to do any more dressing. He then just laid back o the bed again, closing his eyes tiredly.

“I’m gonna order some supper okay?” He informed him as he sat down next to him. “Any requests?”

Bucky just yawned and laid his head on Steve’s leg, wrapping his arm around it. “Whatever you wanna get is fine punk.”

By the time he’d finished making the call, Bucky was asleep on his leg, curled up around it like Arya did with his metal arm. He looked so adorable, mouth open, hair hanging in his face, that he didn’t want to move him yet. So he just put his hand down his head and just stroked his hair for a little bit. Just letting him lay there until the phone dinged to let him know supper was coming.

He carefully maneuvered Bucky off he leg, and onto the pillow, and he was so sound asleep he didn’t even wake up. Just grumbled and buried his face in the pillow. Arya hopped up on the bed and sat down next to him, as if knowing food was coming, but was torn between that and taking a nap with her dark-haired daddy.

“Don’t worry angel I got some chicken for you.” Steve told her, scratching her chin and hearing her purr loudly. “We’ll put Daddy’s food in the fridge for later cause he’s too tired for it right now.”

He did just that and put Bucky’s food away just in case he woke up hungry. He then wrapped the love of his life up under the blanket and laid down next to him. He could feel him subconsciously snuggle his back a little more against Steve’s chest without waking. And saw Arya, fresh from her chicken meal, curl up under his metal arm and wrap her paws around it like she always did, purring loudly as she went to sleep too. This was always just so precious and after the last few days it was a much needed sight.

It was almost over he knew. The judgement would be two days from now and then he could take him home finally. And this part of their lives would be in the rear-view mirror.

Watching Bucky pull all that out of himself over the last few days had filled with a variety of emotions himself. He’d felt the pain and guilt over what he’d gone through, but he’d also felt such a strong sense of pride in him as well. About how strong he was to survive all that, although he shouldn’t have to. And how much strength it had taken to just go up there and tell the world all of it in the face of one of the ones that hurt him. He confronted them and essentially defeated them soundly.

They would get what they deserved which satisfied Steve. He had no doubt what verdict the council would have in a few days. Just by seeing their faces throughout he knew it would be in their favor.

Right now his bear needed to rest. To let his mind be quiet for a while and Steve was more than happy to just lay like this all night. And the next day too if necessary. To hold him and keep his sleep as peaceful as possible, keeping any lurking monsters away so he could rest.

He nuzzled his face into Bucky’s hair took a deep cleansing breath of his own. “I love you.” He whispered to him, wrapping him up a little tighter. “My Bucky.. my Soldier.”

Knowing he heard him somewhere in his deep, so far restful sleep. “We love you too.” Bucky murmured sleepily without waking. “Our Steve.”

Steve smiled at that and before long, he was asleep too, not realizing just how tired he was too. It had been a long week after all and it was almost over now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright where to begin here
> 
> I think the best element here is the sense of putting it all out in the open, which what a lot of therapists will tell people, that confronting the people that hurt you like this is always rewarding to you in the long term, regardless of the outcome. A lot of these thing are things Bucky's only told a handful of people, but there's a power just putting all out there and during this chapter Bucky discovers just how much of that he has and I like that. 
> 
> The episodes he has in this chapter are stress-induced but also a reason why you should stay on your medication. A lot of people with mental illness do complain about the suppressive nature of the drugs their on sometimes. They can be dulling in some ways for a reason. Bucky needs it to level his moods and the longer hes' off them the worse he would get. He's had a conflicted relationship with taking medication for understandable reasons but maybe finally learned to accept that, at for now, he really needs them. 
> 
> The scratching is like any form of self-harm. In which an individual cuts or peels their own skin because it tends to be a pressure release. Its often seen in people who've been abused and have to suppress or keep silent about it. It can be dangerous for obvious, infections and the like, or you could cut in the wrong place. It's very important if you know someone who is doing this to get them some help, because is wrong usually there. 
> 
> The Soldier tends to fill in the blanks that Bucky so I like his appearances these days because they are beneficial to Bucky, who is very much accepting his own madness, knowing he's never going to be 'normal' in a sense. For me especially in this chapter when the Soldier tells Steve Bucky scratches to 'let the screams out' is probably more honest than Bucky can be about this behavior. It's very accurate i think. And in many ways, the Soldier is where Bucky works some things out and maybe has confidence to try things. He lacks the fear and worry that plagues Bucky and sees things in a much more basic way, so it's a good outlet for him and the fact that he's learned how to master this is a great thing for me to write. 
> 
> For me the hardest things to write have been the gradual reveals of the sexual assaults Bucky suffered over the course of these two books. Because it's difficult in general, which is why I never go into great detail, I do tend let what said speak for itself. It's also much more like people remember and talk about it. And once again it's the Soldier that has an easier time talking about it, because the idea of guilt and shame are not necessarily present in him, he doesn't understand those feelings so he's not as clouded by them as a result. He just knows it hurt and it didn't feel good. And now that's he's intimate with he understands how its supposed to feel so he recognizes it for what it was now. This has been what has helped Bucky overcome this to a large degree, that part of his mind finally understanding what happened to him. 
> 
> I just in general liked going into the past a bit too in the last couple of chapters, sorting out the mindsets of Steve and Bucky during canon moments and in the ones that i've jsut guessed at. And there is a lot of space to work with so I hope I filled in the blanks well enough here. There may still be as little more left to before this is done as well. 
> 
> Interesting fact, Pierce's father did in fact serve with Bucky in the 107th (or the 101st, I continue to get mixed up) He actually told Steve this in TWS and I remember how horrible a person he was to be treating a man his father most likely highly respected, the way he had and tried to kill the man who saved his fathers life, possibly ensuring his existence. Pierce will always be a scumbag of high proportions to me. So I wanted to bring that up because it was actual canon. 
> 
> I'm sure I missed a few pointers in about this chapter but there was a lot in there. Feel free to bring anything up you like if you guys want :)
> 
> The next one we'll see the judgement of the tribunal, and the fallout of it. And our boys will get to go home finally and start a new phase of their lives. The ultimate fate will be determined whether its in this one or the next one, but rest assured he will get what's coming to him. 
> 
> Once again thank you for the lovely comments I always love reading them all. Love to all of you and hope you are all well <3<3<3 and *hugs* to you all :)


	26. Unbound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

Bucky woke up in the middle of the night and looked at the clock on the bedstand. It was 3 am. He’d been asleep since around 7 at night he’d realized. Been so mentally exhausted that he’d slept solidly without memory of dreams of any kind. Which for him was a good thing.

It was very dark in the room, the light cancelling curtains had been pulled, blocking any light from the city. The only light was coming from said clock and a small nightlight by the bathroom. He could feel Arya’s little furry body curled up next to him, with her paws wrapped around his metal arm. And Steve’s arm wrapped around him from behind, snoring away blissfully. Bucky had his own feet tucked in with his comfortably, feeling snug as bug in a rug as his mother used to say. It felt warm and safe. Almost like home. Almost.

His stomach rumbled and he realized he’d slept through supper most likely. Had an idea Steve had put his food in the fridge, which meant getting up. But he didn’t want to wake his sleeping punk either. He was certainly tired himself and needed his ‘beauty’ sleep as Bucky called it, teasing him about it once and awhile.

“Gotta keep you pretty Rogers.” He told him once, rubbing his nose against his. “Or I might lose interest.”

Steve had chuckled and pulled him into a kiss. “Well I wouldn’t want to disappoint my boo bear would I?”

Smiling at the memory he carefully moved Arya, lifting her onto his metal arm as he carefully extracted himself from Steve without waking him. And then put the little cat down next to him, where she promptly curled up in the warm spot he’d left right to her other Daddy and went right back to sleep.

“So that’s how it is huh?” He asked her, petting her and kissing her sweet little face. “Traitor.”

Quietly, like a mouse he made his way to the small fridge, maneuvering like an expert in the dark and found the found the food Looked damn good too, a chicken sandwich, no doubt special ordered. He heated it up in the microwave and got himself some water and decided he’d sit out on the deck of the room and eat it. Get some fresh air and just.. think for a little bit.

It had bene a long week that was for damn sure and he needed to process and decompress from it.

On his way out, he’d considered grabbing some of the alcohol from the minibar too, it was tempting. But he elected not to. In fact, was thinking of giving up drinking for a while to see if he could manage without it. One of a few changes he was planning on making now. To eliminate some unhealthy coping mechanisms he’d adopted over the years. To stop numbing his feelings like he’d been doing.

Speaking of that, he looked at the gauze on his arm and decided to take it for a little bit, give it some air before redressing it. After he ate his sandwich that was. Parking himself in the lounge chair he did both those things in the order he wanted to, filling his stomach and checking his wound afterward.

It was starting to heal, scabbing over, it was itchy and very tender, which he thought might’ve been symbolic of his overall mood. He knew he might a bit itchy and tender for a little bit mood wise. He usually was after tearing open wounds and he’d certainly done that.

Amelia had told him it would take a while to see the results of this, that like anything there was no timetable for him or anyone when it came to these things. People thought recover was linear, that once you got justice closure would instantly come, that the wound heal, but like anything else it was a process that he would have to be patient with. Patience with himself was something he was still learning to have.

He could see that building he’d told Steve about, the one where his sharpshooter, assassin perch was. Reminding him of the things he’d done quite clearly. He’d sensed the sympathy was with him when he was testifying about all this, but as he’d said on the stand, he was still a work in progress at forgiving himself. Even if everyone else did, that particular forgiveness was harder to come by.

He had his back to the door, so he didn’t see it open. Didn’t hear it either, was too lost in thought. Until he felt the cat circle around his ankles and Steve’s hand on his shoulder. “Getting some fresh air?”

“I was eating my dinner punk.” Bucky told him, looking up at Steve and smiling. “I wanted to let my snoring beauty sleep since I got enough myself.”

Steve chuckled as sat down in the chair next him, on his right as Bucky hoisted Arya up onto his lap, letting her settle there, curling her tail up and purring as she did. The wind was blowing their hair around, Bucky’s was practically in his face, and every so often he’d have to sweep it out of it. But now Steve was doing it for him. He welcomed the touch even though he felt a bit of emotional distance on his own part. Like a strange numbness in his mind. Like his feelings were on hold, delayed in some way.

“I’m glad you did.” Steve observed, tucking a strand behind Bucky’s ear. “You were so tired you barely made it to bed.”

Bucky smiled softly and leaned over to lay against his shoulder in spite of that odd feeling, because it was big chair after all. “I still kinda am.” He said and pointed at his head. “Up here at least.” He let himself get comfortable, laying his head on Steve’s shoulder. “Lucky I got you to take care of me punk.”

Steve slid an arm around him at that point. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Sure.” He said agreeably, petting Arya with his metal hand. “Since I’m kinda done with holding onto to shit at this point.”

That had been part of his problem he knew, keeping it all inside even when he did talk, his tendency was to hide his emotions still and that led to other outlets. He looked down and saw Steve’s hand entwined the fingers of his flesh hand, turning it slightly as if noticing the bandage was off finally. But he didn’t sa anything about that yet.

“You took the bandage off?” Steve observed. It wasn’t really a question. “How does it feel?”

“Better.” Bucky told him, feeling on of Steve’s fingers trail over the still tender scratches. “I kinda needed to air it out.”

“Tell me what your feeling right now Buck.” He simply asked. “Whatever it is.”

“Drained.” Bucky answered, speaking as honestly as possible. “Maybe a little numb too I guess. Like I’m not feeling enough yet.. kinda like when a pain-killer starts to wear off.” He closed his eyes and let himself just relax against him a little bit more. “Like right before the pain starts coming back in.. that feeling.. like it gonna really hurt soon and you’re just.. getting ready for it.”

It was the best he could describe the feeling he had. He knew it was going to hurt again once the numbness wore off. But he felt like he could at least handle it this time. He was more prepared now.

“Well when it does come back I’ll be here okay?” Steve told him, squeezing his hand and resting his chin on Bucky’s head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know.” Bucky answered, smiling to himself. “But I might bite and scratch a bit when it does, just a heads up.”

“You can do that all you want Buck.” Steve said softly, sliding him and Arya more onto his lap as they stretched out on the chair. “It’s alright.”

He was remembering how he used to twist his wrist in the shackles. Or in the cuffs. Whatever restraint they would use, there was always a healing scratch on the right wrist. Because it was hard to really scream when there a gag or mouthpiece stuck between your teeth. Or a chain around your neck cutting off your air. So he’d hurt himself instead, concentrating on the stinging pain there to the point where he didn’t always feel the other pain. He taught himself to focus that way.

And also because, well he couldn’t hurt them. Had been too scared of what would’ve happened if he did. In many ways the restraints on his mind had been worse than the physical ones. So he’d found and outlet for the screams he couldn’t fully voice. For the pain anger he couldn’t put on its proper target.

But he’d hurt them this week. Finally did something real about it. Gotten some justice in a way.

But he knew he would still need to scratch and claw sometimes. That he always would. That he would always be a little screwed up inside. But was maybe finally learning that wasn’t his fault. Finally accepting that he really had no choice in the matter. That he could stop hurting himself internally now.

“I’ll never be cured of this Steve.” He said finally, his fingers playing in his. “I’m always gonna be a bit messed up inside.”

“I know Buck.” Steve answered, squeezing his hand again. “That doesn’t matter to me you know that.”

“It should.” He told him with a shake of his head. “You’re the one that has to live with a crazy person punk.”

“You know I hate when you call yourself that right?”

Bucky sat up just a little so he could turn to look at him, hating how he sometimes dismissed this. “Just because you love me in spite of that fact doesn’t make it any less true Steve.” He admonished, pushing his own hair out of his eyes. “I’m a goddman train sometimes and I worry how that affects you when you constantly have to dodge the blows.”

“I got quick reflexes Buck.” Steve told him, in a half joking tone. “You haven’t gotten me yet.”

For some reason that kinda pissed him off. “This is not a fucking joke Steve.” He snapped at him. “And I don’t have to hit you to hurt you, you know that!” He ran his hands through his own hair, feeling a bit exasperated. “I do it all the time just by being fucked up like this.”

Steve grabbed his hands. “Bucky stop.” He said calmly, and Bucky almost yanked his hands out in response. “Just calm down.”

He didn’t know why he was so mad all of a sudden. Maybe it was because he had felt like he’d really put Steve through it and the damn idiot never seemed to complain about it anymore. Just giving him this bullshit that was okay to act like that. Bucky admitted to himself that he was feeling a bit self-loathing tonight, just an after-effect of recalling of his misdeeds as the Winter Soldier. And knew that being back on the meds took a day or so to show an effect. Suddenly he wanted that stupid numbness again.

Or maybe a damn drink he wasn’t sure. The arm was itchy and he wanted to scratch it raw again.

“I can’t.” He said, his hand on his head again feeling a headache coming on. “It’s like you’re a fucking masochist and you like this shit.”

“Listen to me jerk.” Steve said adamantly to him right then and there in response. “I didn’t just choose to love to be some kind of masochist.” He put his hands on Bucky’s face to stare into his eyes as he spoke. “I didn’t choose to love you period I just do. And not in spite of you being ‘crazy’ as you say. Exactly the opposite” He leaned his head against Bucky’s, his voice softening. “What I’m saying is.. I love everything that makes you who you are, even the parts you don’t think are very pretty.” He smiled, pressing his face into Bucky’s a little more. “So you may be a wreck but you’re a beautiful one to me, and if that makes a goddamn masochist than that’s what I am and I’m okay with that.”

It was a lot take in, and it felt like Steve had been saving it up for a while. The feeling of acceptance he felt made a dent in that weird anger he’d just felt. And kept the numbness he was craving away for a little longer. He actually felt his breath hitch a little, causing him to close his eyes and put his own hands on Steve’s shoulders as if steady himself.

“Wow did you practice that speech punk?” He asked teasingly, trying to keep those emotions in check. “Cause that was a lot of words there you mut be exhausted.”

He could feel Steve’s hand in his hair, holding back a little from his face. Felt him shake his head against his own. “You’re such an asshole sometimes Sergeant.” He was told, not unkindly, but with some adoration. “But I love that about you too.”

Bucky knew Steve also knew that sometimes that was to protect himself too. The sarcasm. He understood all of that. Understood him better than anyone and this complete acceptance of him was almost too much to take right now. He felt fragile, on the edge of emotion and still felt that old urge to pull back from it again. To stay in that weird place between numbness and raw pain a little longer, possibly until he was home and could truly breathe again.

They ended up laying down on the chair, the cat actually tucking herself between them, resting on Bucky’s tucked up metal arm. They were careful not squish her, able to feel her warm purring body against both their stomachs. Bucky let his now itchy right arm rest on Steve’s waist, just staring at him as just kept brushing his hair softly, comfortingly. It was such a soft, quiet moment as he was slowly starting to let some of the pain of all that recall start to settle into him. He felt very raw, vulnerable even, still feeling the urge to pull back and protect himself, but he knew he was safe and didn’t have to.

_Sometimes you still wish you were that ghost again don’t you?_ Amelia had asked once, and she was right. But at the same time, he didn’t. He had learned having no feeling at all was worse. The emptiness inside was worse than any pain he’d felt.

“I really was a ghost.” He told Steve, just spilling out whatever was on his mind now. “Because I felt nothing at all. I was.. empty inside..” His hand got a little grip on Steve’s shirt as he laid there. “I don’t even want to be like that again.”

“You don’t have to be.” Steve said softly, reaching down and turning his arm over, letting his fingers trail over the scratches again. “You can feel whatever you want now, you’re allowed.”

The feeling was sinking back in slowly. It would take a while he knew. Right now, he was okay with being in this strange in between melancholy. It was perfectly fine with him. So he leaned his head against Steve’s and just.. breathed from now.

\--

Bucky had actually seemed to doze off again. Or just drift off into his own mind. It was hard to tell. He was in a strange state that Steve supposed was just a coping mechanism right now until he was able to go home. He didn’t seem to want to do anything but to lay there. Accepting minimal, yet comforting touch. He had a wariness about him, as if he was afraid of falling apart too soon.

So he just sat there, touching him softly, stroking his hair, his side, his hip. Just letting him relax and work though whatever process he needed to right now.

It was still the middle of the night, and he’d shown no inclination to go back in yet. That was okay. Steve had brought out a blanket and had left it on the table. He turned and reached for it, throwing it over Bucky and Arya, who was curled up next to him like always, purring like a warm, furry engine.

Steve himself knew he might not sleep for a little bit. Even though it would be good to. He had a press conference tomorrow to answer some questions on Bucky’s behalf, because they did have to speak to them. And Tony and Steve were better at fielding questions. Bucky himself had no real desire to talk to the press and wasn’t in the right frame of mind for it anyways.

Tony had explained that he’d fielded quite a few questions about him lately. “They find him intriguing.” He told Steve. “He’s like an enigma, a conundrum with a metal arm.” He’d told him over the phone. “I tell them he’s not available for comment and that just makes them more curious about him. You’d be better at satiating them Cap.”

Steve had supposed Bucky had built up quite a legend. Being largely mysterious and out of sight for being the former Winter Soldier, and for being married to an Avenger, so the press curiosity was understandable. The endless amounts of pictures and vides being taken. Of speculating articles leading up to the trial and now during it bore that out. And Steve knew at the moment that Bucky was in a weird state of shock over all this and he needed to shield him from it and answer some questions of his own.

Bucky would decide on his own time, when or if he was ready to speak to the press. Right now, was not the time for him they both knew. He still needed time to process it all. He was so strong during the trial, but it had taken a toll on him internally.

So while Steve was doing that later today, he would give Bucky more quiet time before they got to see the judgement tomorrow. More time to rest and do whatever he wanted to do with it.

“You wanna go back in yet?” He asked after a little bit, letting his hand rest on Bucky’s head, pushing back some hair that had blown in his face. “It’s getting a bit windy out.”

“I’m okay out here punk.” Bucky replied, petting Arya, who still laying between them, out like a light. “Air is clearing my head.”

Steve nodded and just pulled the blanket more over him. He was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts after all. And it was getting a bit colder. Remembering the other day when he seemed to be cold in a warm room, but today he seemed perfectly fine in the outside air. Steve supposed it was more about what was in his head than the actual surroundings.

“So what do you want to tomorrow.” He asked, and then corrected himself, realizing it was already next day. “I mean today?”

“I’m actually thinking about staying here and doing absolutely nothing.” Bucky answered, looking down at the cat as he petted her. “Me and her are gonna hang out.. maybe I’ll paint who know?”

Steve nodded. “Think that sounds like a good idea.” He told him, smiling softly. “You should do that.”

He thought painting might be good. Might help him work it out a little more. Because he wasn’t so much holding it in as he was in a holding pattern or sorts. Stuck in place until this was over. Until the judgement was made and he could finally let go of the breath he was holding. Maybe even let go of the pain he’d opened up in himself by telling everyone everything. He also knew he felt somewhat vulnerable now, letting people see him now that they knew it all. So he just let him take his time there.

Right now he just watched him, thinking he looked so beautiful right there, his hair blowing around his half-lidded eyes. They looked like they were actually reflecting some starlight or something as he flicked them up at Steve, as if sensing he was looking at him.

“Why don’t you just kiss me punk?” Bucky asked suddenly. “You look like you want to so what’s stopping you?”

“I always want to kiss you jerk.” He replied, suddenly feeling a little bashful at being caught. “Just wasn’t sure if it was okay right now that’s all.”

Bucky looked at him curiously. “Why would you think that?”

He couldn’t define it exactly, it just felt like it wasn’t the right thing to do when he was like this. There was a vibe of wanting some kind of space, so he hadn’t tried to kiss him or even put his arms fully around him. One thing he never wanted to do was push anything unless he was sure Bucky was in the right frame of mind and he just hadn’t been sure he was right now. Hadn’t been sure of it since he’d found him out here to be honest.

“I don’t know.” Steve answered honestly. “I never wanna push anything that’s all.”

Bucky reached his hand out then to put it on Steve’s face. “That’s kina sweet punk..” He told him, a soft smile on his face. “But you don’t have to ask permission to kiss me.”

Steve then let his hand wrap around Bucky’s head, fingers digging in his hair and kissed him the way he’d wanted to for a while now. Feeling those soft lips part against his as he rose up a little off his arm. There was something sweet about this one, like it could go anywhere it wanted. It just wandered, meandered as they shifted a little on the chair, but very well aware of the cat laying between them as well. He could feel that strangely warm metal hand through his shirt, pressing softly against his chest and let a quiet moan escape right before their lips parted. Staring at each other breathlessly for a long moment.

Steve let his hand wander down Bucky’s side now, letting the fingers play under the waistband of his shorts, touching the warm skin there as they lay with their heads together. He saw Bucky very carefully pull the cat out from between them with his metal arm and hold her up for a minute.

“Love you little darlin’” He told her, nuzzling his nose with hers. “But I don’t want you to get squished.”

Arya put a playful paw on his face, and the other on Steve’s as if she got this perfectly clear. Bucky put her down and she scampered off and back through the patio for now, giving her daddies some needed alone time. Steve then wrapped his other arm around Bucky and pulled him right up against him to kiss him again. He could his eyes change a little and recognized need in them.

“Now where were we punk?” He asked, getting a grip on Steve’s shirt as their lips met again. “Right here I think.”

Steve smiled against his lips, letting his hand wander more inside of Bucky’s shorts, getting a handful of his beautiful ass as he kissed him, causing Bucky to wrap that leg around his hip under the blanket. Bucky moaned thickly and wiggled said against Steve’s hand, causing him to squeeze a little more and pull him more onto him now, getting his hand a little further in. Exploring and finding his rim, letting his fingers move over it, causing Bucky to whine softly against his own.

“How about you just let me take care of you jerk?” He suggested, lips skating over Bucky’s. “Let me do that for you.”

It didn’t require stripping his clothes off. Or getting any pleasure for himself. It was just a way to relax him again. There was no for anything else really. He could hear a another soft whine from Bucky as he buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, his hair blowing around Steve’s other hand, which was tangled in it.

“Yes.” He heard him breath against his neck. “Please…”

He let his fingers slide in and massage him internally. First one. Then two. And then added another to stroke him in that sweet spot that always gave him so much pleasure. Every so often he’d pull on his hair gently and kiss him deeply, or just suck on his neck softly. Bucky’s moans and whimpers were beautiful to his ears as his fingers went a little deeper, slowly drawing an orgasm out of him.

When did come, he took his lips again, hearing him whine and felt that metal arm wrap around his neck, digging into it as he spasmed against his hand. The fingers were sharp and stung a little but he didn’t care at all.

He then turned him back on his side again, keeping his hand inside his shorts, rubbing his hip comfortingly as he felt Bucky nuzzle his neck. His body was thrumming sweetly against Steve’s, metal arm now wrapped around his back, flattened against it.

“Thanks punk.” He heard Bucky whispered against his neck. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

Steve smiled and used his other hand pull Bucky’s forehead against his lips. “Yeah but you can say it again if you want.”

“Well I do.” Bucky answered, wrapping his leg around Steve’s under the blanket. “I really do.”

“The feelings very mutual jerk.” He told him, nuzzling his face into his brown hair. “Don’t ever forget that okay?”

He felt Bucky smile against his neck. “How could I? I feel it my damn bones.”

That was better than the cold, Steve thought to himself and just wrapped him up tighter until he dozed off again for the rest of the night.

\--

The next day while Steve was out, Bucky was painting, just feeling a need to. And to be honest, he was glad for the alone time. Even from Steve because he had a lot on his mind right now. The travel easel was set up on the table, the cat curled up by his feet, and he was lost in the haze of creating. Feeling that muse come back again now that his feelings were coming back in. Even if just a little bit.

What a difference a few hours made.

His mind was drifting to their time out on the deck. The sweet way Steve had pleasured him, seeming to not want to go too far with him. And even though Bucky would’ve welcomed it, he was thinking now that maybe it was the right thing to do considering where he was then, and still was now. Still in that in-between place. Where the pain felt close and edgy. He wasn’t sure he could’ve handled what might’ve resulted had it gone any further than that.

Because the urge to bite and scratch had been there. In spite of his efforts to sort of play it off. To tell Steve this morning that he felt better when he didn’t. That he still felt that same numbness even now. He even faked his best winning smile for him to reassure him. Hating himself that pretending like that still came so easy to him. Hating that when he kissed him recently it wasn’t with that same feeling. Because he was still holding back even though he promised himself he wouldn’t. That he’d almost convinced himself he was okay. Almost.

_What a good liar you are _he heard a voice that sounded horribly like the Colonel’s in his head. _Even to yourself._

Shaking his head, he dipped in some blue paint, creating a portion of sky as he painted. A bright colors which hopefully meant something good. Unlike some of his others. But even if they turned dark, they were all an expression of him he knew. An outlet he’d come to love and appreciate.

He had made sure to put some more gauze over his scratches, not wanting to get it infected. Pam might by later to check it when she and Sam got back, and the last thing he wanted was a lecture if she found paint all over it.

Steve was at the press conference and even though it was on tv, Bucky had little interest in watching it. Preferring to do this instead. He’d been relieved that he didn’t have to be there, he wasn’t anywhere near ready to answer questions right now, and trusted Steve and Tony to speak for him for now.

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to be honest. The idea of caused a little anxiety in him even now.

_You went on the stand and told the world what happened to you. All the ugly little truth and you’re afraid of that? _He asked himself as he painted. _Seriously?_

But it was different. The trial had been the time to get his story out. To get justice for the people he’d killed, and, if he was being honest, for himself. To face down that man and that organization and vanquish them. And even doing that cathartic had taken its toll he now knew. The press on the other hand may asked different questions, ones he wasn’t prepared for yet.

His phone buzzed on the table and he stopped to look at it, seeing it was Wanda. A text asking if he wanted some company while Steve was out. Didn’t sound like a bad idea to be honest, he’d already gotten a lot done since Steve had left for the for the Court’s press area a while ago. Including some packing. So he texted her back and _Sure why not?_ To which she responded _I’ll bring some food too._

She knew him well that one, causing him to smile. He was hungry already.

When she got there, she had Danishes and coffee, and both smelled heavenly to Bucky as he took his and put it down a t the table. She immediately began chatting about how she’d forgotten to tell him about her trip over to Amsterdam over the weekend, and he could tell she was trying to put him at ease by doing it. By not touching the other stuff yet.

“It’s so beautiful.” She told him, showing him pictures on her phone as Arya circled her leg, purring loudly. “So many canals and bridges and Oh my God the windmills.”

Bucky remembered the windmills they’d visited. Very fondly too. “Yeah we saw some of those Sunday.” He told her, feeling himself smile a bit at that particular memory. “We had a very nice out there.”

Wanda looked at him like she knew what they’d been up to. “I’m sure you did.”

She finally hoisted Arya up and gave her the snuggles the little cat was demanding from Auntie Wanda. Her presence was even more relaxing to him as he drank his coffee. It was almost like being home. He watched as she sat the cat on her lap and ate a piece of Danish before turning her attention to the painting he was working on.

“I see your painting again.” She observed, studying it. “That’s good.”

“Yeah it feels good.” He told her, having a piece of Danish himself. “Trying to keep my mind occupied.”

She reached a hand over the table and put it on his flesh one, turning it over and running her fingers over the gauze on it. “How are you doing?”

“Better than I was.” He told her with a heavy sigh. “I’m kinda still working things out in my head though.”

“You know when I was trapped in the rubble with my brother, I remember I kept banging my hand against the rocks.” She told him as she continued to run her fingers over the bandage. “And I kept doing it when they had me. When they exposed me to the stone. Just kept banging it. Sometimes I’d even bang it against my head and Pietro would get really scared because it was getting really bruised.” Her face seemed far away in memory as she continued to talk. “I didn’t understand exactly why at the time, but I know now. That it was just a way to remind myself that I could still feel you know?”

He felt the pain of that memory as clearly as he felt his own. Because he understood it, and why she was telling him. Trying to point out that he wasn’t the only one who did things like that. And her touch on his arm, with her fingers glowing softly as she did, made him relax even more. Made him grateful for someone who truly understood what he was feeling.

“I would twist my hand in the restraints when they would.. hurt me.” He told her, flexing his fingers softly, feeling the slight sting under the bandage. “Sometimes when they had me chained upI would bang my head against the wall too. Like you said.. just to make sure I was still alive.” He lowered his eyes, turning his coffee around in his hand. “I guess it was also to just.. let it out you know?”

Wanda nodded. “The screams inside.” She said softly. “I do know.”

“I did it again when I was on the stand even though I tried not to.” He admitted to her, letting her presence calm him further. “I promised Steve I wouldn’t hurt myself again but I did.”

“Sometimes we have to let the pressure out we try so hard to keep in.” She told him. “Or it will destroy us from the inside.”

Bucky bit his lip, lifting his eyes up to her. “I don’t know how to let it out without hurting someone.” He admitted. “Or hurting myself.” He pinched his face a little before letting the rest out. “And it scares me.”

She let her hand slide back down and wrap around his arm again. “I was too.” She told him, squeezing that hand now. “Until I learned how to control it. And that’s what you have to do.” She let go of his hand and put in on his face. “Be your own master and it can’t hurt you or anyone else. “

“I don’t know how.” He said with a shaky voice. “Can you help me?”

Wanda smiled at him softly, her hand glowing on his face as she did. “I can try.” She assured him. “You have to start by letting the guilt go.” She slid her chair over and leaned her head against his. “It’s what holding you back and clouding your mind.”

Both her hands were on his face and could feel their minds connecting in that awesome yet sometimes terrifying way. His mind was filling with that red glow. And they were travelling now. A unique experience he could only share with Wanda, for only she had had to ability to go inside with him.

Unsurprisingly they ended up in what he had come to call, sometimes jokingly, his trauma hallway. Most of the doors had been blown open, allowing for travel when accessing memories, whether in therapy or otherwise, and the light from the now permanently open exit was filling them up. It still wouldn’t penetrate the dark end but that was further back now, revealing an extra door or two. Bucky understood this meaning as those were coming into the light now.

The one closest to the cold void was open a crack, and Bucky knew where that one led.

He felt Wanda’s hand in his and looked to his side to see her next him, her auburn hair floating in that underwater style, with a red glow around her. But now not just her. Him too. She smiled at him, looking as real as if she was standing next to him in reality.

“I think I need to go in there.” He said to her, his trepidation showing in his eyes. “You don’t have to come with me.”

She just smiled at him and squeezed his hand. “There’s nothing in there you need to hide from me.” She told him. “It’s okay.”

He knew she’d been in that courtroom. Had heard all he had to say. And also, had been in his head before and seen a lot of things while there. There was a comfort in having someone who could see these things too. She was such a good friend to him, and he loved her being here with him now. For her lack of fear. She understood what it was to be scared of your own mind, so she showed no fear of his. He trusted her.

She stayed with him as he got closer to that door, feeling the cold of the nearby empty void, causing him to shiver. He could tell Wanda could feel it too. That deep cold that got in your bones. They were just on the edge of it when he put his metal hand on the door and pushed it open to reveal a familiar room. Another hell hole in a place full of them.

It was the Colonels chambers. And the first thing he saw was that damn chain sitting on the table. Right next to a bottle of vodka and a glass. The table had a red chair next to it. He remembered that too.

_You know what I want Soldat.._ His voice said almost like he was sitting in front of him. Snapping those fingers. _On your knees._

He had to fight the compulsion to do just that right now. Reminding himself this wasn’t real.

“He used to sit in this chair and drink vodka.” Bucky explained to Wanda, who could see was looking around. “He’d want me to.. you know.. get on my knees and when I wouldn’t..” He reached out with his flesh hand and picked up the chain. “He would yank this tight around and make me and… punish me.”

He could feel it tighten around his neck and the air just cut off for a moment. Making him feel dizzy like he had then. The feel of the thing was slimy in his hand, felt alive and malicious. Just like that red book when he touched it that time. Using his metal hand, he swiped both the bottle and glass off the table causing both to shatter into dust.

“I hate the smell of vodka.” He said with a hiss. “And I hate this thing too.”

Squeezing the choke chain in his hand, it also disintegrated into dust as well. There was satisfaction in it, just like when he’d it with other objects in this strange space. Including that electric stick as well. It was his mind he was learning. If he wanted it gone. It would be gone and lose whatever power it once had.

His attention was turned toward the other end of the room, to the wash and sleeping area. Seeing the tub with the cold water that he used to be washed off in. Feeling that rancid touch of that man’s hands on his skin as he looked at it. Remembering the way he looked at him, how he could feel those eyes on him. The Soldier inside cringed as well. _He was always looking at us. Always touching us. We didn’t like it._

And of course, there was the bed. With the cuffs hanging off it.

_It wouldn’t hurt so much if you just behave Soldat… _He heard that voice say in his ear._ You have to learn that.._

He felt Wanda’s hand on his shoulder, knowing she understood exactly what this was. She’d heard the testimony. He’d seen her ashy face many times, and the angry looks she’d sent the way of his abuser. Knowing she was there was helpful for him. Reaching out with his right hand his fingers touched the cuff that would’ve been on that wrist and noticed that the scratches on his arm were replaced by scuffs and a bleeding cut corresponding to where the cuff would’ve been.

“They were really strong.” He said in shaky voice. “Because I was stong.” His fingers looped around it, feeling the familiar feel of the cold metal. The sharpness of its edges. “I’d twist my wrist inside it to just.. concentrate on that and maybe I wouldn’t feel anything else.”

“I know.” She said to him over his shoulder. “And to let out the pain you were feeling when he ws hurting you.”

“Yeah.” He said, just staring at it. “I would stare right at it as I did it too.”

It was open and he put it around his wrist again, for reasons he wasn’t sure of yet. And closed it, pulling on the bedframe, re-familiarizing himself with the feel of that before turning and sitting down on the mattress. Wanda sat down next to him on the left side, wrapping her hand around the metal one, as if she understood what he was doing now.

“I would pass out and I’d have these dreams about being happy.” He explained to her. “I didn’t always know who this Steve was in my dreams but it just knew felt good. We had a home and a life and it seemed real and then..”

“You wake up.” Wanda finished, staring at him understandingly.

“Yeah.” He answered, looking in her eyes. “And I’d still be chained to this thing.” He turned his head and pulled on the cuff. “I would always wake the same way and it took a long time before I accepted the reality I have with Steve now.” He bit his and added. “And sometimes I still wonder if I’m gonna wake up and be right back here again and that I everything good I have was just a dream.”

“I know how that feels.” She told him, her hand now brushing his hair. “Sometimes I think the same thing, when I wake up from a nightmare of being under that rubble. Or with them. And I can’t breath and I think I’m still there until I see Vis and I realize that I’m not anymore.” She smiled softly at him. “That that is the past, that it’s just a nightmare and it can’t hurt me now.” She squeezed his hand again. “Sometimes we just.. forget we’re safe.”

He nodded and turned his head back to the cuff around his wrist. And pulled it one more time, and this time it opened and his hand came out of it easily. It banged back against the frame one more time and then disintegrated right in front of his eyes as well. He didn’t need this explained to him. He knew perfectly what it meant.

A part of him had still been shackled, chained up in his mind and he’d just.. freed it. And now he could leave it behind him for good. Keep it in its proper place in his head. With that came some new clarity that was finally pushing back a bit of that numbness he’d been feeling since he got off the stand.

With it came some fresh pain. Guilt. Shame. An all those other things that came with it. “I feel like I could’ve gotten out of those any time. I was so strong but I..” He paused, feeling it wash over him as he finally admitted this. “I didn’t try hard enough… didn’t fight hard enough.. and those people got killed because of it.”

Wanda put her hands on his face and looked in his eyes, his hair floating around her hands as she did. “No.” She said firmly. “That’s what they wanted you to think. They didn’t want you to know how strong you were so they had to hurt you so you would be too scared to try.” He could feel that warm, red glow around him as she talked. “Because you could’ve destroyed them and they knew it.”

Amelia had said this to him in so many words too. The mental chains they’d kept on him kept him from recognizing that he could get away. The fear they instilled was to keep him under control to the point where they didn’t even need to physically restrain him anymore. And the way Wanda explained it he knew came from personal experience. From understanding and realizing your own power and potential. He’d realized it when he’d been testifying, that that’s what they’d been afraid of. What he could do to them once those chains were off and his vision was clear.

“You have nothing to feel guilty about.” She told him adamantly. “You fought them and you beat them. They have no control over you anymore.”

He looked around and knew she was right. The place around them was a memory. It wasn’t reality anymore. It could no longer hurt him. Looking down at his wrist, his actual scratches were back, the wound caused by those shackles was no longer there. No fresh blood. Nothing. And he couldn’t smell the vodka either. It was just a room now. He could leave any time he wanted.

“I’m done.” He declared, getting up off the mattress. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Sounds good to me.” She said and took his other hand, holding them both. “Arya’s probably wondering where we are.”

Bucky smiled at that and closed his eyes, feeling the sensation of being pulled away, through his mind and back out the bright open door. It was the strangest sensation. What he imagined a bungie jump would feel like when you were pulled back up to your jumping point. When you were safely on land.

When he opened his eyes again, he was sitting back in the hotel room. Wanda was sitting across from him with Arya in her lap, looking at them both curiously. Her hands were still on his face and she smiled at him before wrapping her arms completely around him and hugging him. And he wasted no time hugging her back.

“Thanks kid.” He said in a choked voice as he buried his face in his friend’s shoulder.

“Anytime Sarge.” She replied, her hand on the back of his head. “Anytime.”

Bucky sighted and just let her hug him for a while. Grateful for the friends he had. For the love an acceptance. Feeling Arya just patiently sitting between them, pawing at each of their arms occasionally. The biggest dose of reality there he supposed.

After he pulled away, Wanda handed her to him and watched as she cuddled up against his metal arm, purring her little heart out as she did. Bucky rubbed his face against her fur, feeling its texture and letting himself just appreciate the moment for what it was. He was feeling a bit raw and knew it would increase when Steve came back. Because he needed to talk to him. To really clear the air.

“I gotta be honest with Steve.” He admitted, as he petted Arya with his flesh hand. “I haven’t been completely. Cause to be honest I haven’t been completely here.”

“Something tells me he’ll forgive you.” Wanda said as she also petted the cat. “We’re both hit the lottery with ours didn’t we?”

“Yeah we did.” Bucky agreed. “It still just floors me sometimes what he puts up with from me.”

“People were scared of me. Some still are.” Wanda mused as she scratched Arya’s head. “But he wasn’t. He sees beyond all that, knows who I really am. And Steve’s the same with you.” She looked up at him, letting her other hand rest on his face again. “When they love you that much they’ll forgive you anything.. Even if you hurt them, they’ll forgive you. Can’t put a price on that.”

“I’d die for him.” Bucky told her, his eyes showing how firmly felt this. “I did once actually.”

He saw her smile and found himself smiling back as well. It felt good to talk to a friend who truly understood where he was coming from.

“How about we play a game while you wait for Steve?” She suggested, pulling something out of her bag. “I believe we had a rematch planned of this if I’m not mistaken.”

Bucky smiled broader as he saw the game. “Exploding Kittens?” He asked, pushing the easel back for now. “You’re on.” Arya looked up at him almost accusingly. “No offense munchkin. “He nuzzled her face. “You can help Daddy beat Auntie Wanda finally.”

“In your dreams Gramps.” Wanda said teasingly rolling her eyes. “She’s on my side.”

They pulled the cards out and started playing, and Bucky was just happy for the break to be honest. It was a sign of things to come. A sign that happiness too, was inevitable as well.

\--

Steve still hate press conferences. He remembered why he didn’t do them too much. The only reason he was here was to speak for Bucky and that was it.

“I think they get dumber as the years go by.” Tony had said once. “Judging by the quality of questions I get.”

These ones weren’t too bad in terms of intelligence. They just wanted more information than Steve could, or was willing to give them.

“When can we get a statement from Sergeant Barnes Captain?” One of them asked.

“When he’s ready to give one.” Steve had answered as patiently as possible. “And he’s not right now.”

“How is he doing?” He was asked next from a curious looking female reporter. “Is he feeling well?”

“As well as can be expected under the circumstances.”

Another one asked him a more difficult one to answer. “Captain your husband appeared to have a bandage on his arm yesterday during testimony. Is he injured?”

“Yes but I’m not at liberty to discuss the nature of it. But he’s fine otherwise I assure you it’s nothing seriouos.”

Steve knew they would speculate on it, especially considering the revelation about him cutting his own wrist at one point. Truth was, unless Bucky wanted that information out, he wasn’t going to say anything about it. Wasn’t going to explain the true nature of it. It was nobody’s business to be honest.

“What do you expect from the judgement tomorrow?”

“Well I think they heard what we all heard.” Steve told them, taking a drink of water. “The organization committed horrible atrocities and if they don’t count as war crimes than I don’t know what does.”

There were loads of other questions, mostly regarding Bucky’s testimony and some details of it. Steve answered them to the best of his abilities and was tired by the end of it. Tony had directed that any more questions will be handled by the Avengers press relations. And asked another favor that Steve was grateful for.

“We would also ask that privacy of Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes be respected, meaning to leave them be unless they see fit to have a discourse.” He announced, making himself clear. “Any incidents involving harassment or invasions of privacy such as the picture taken of Sergeant Barnes in the hospital will be met with heavy legal means. And trust me I have them as you know. “

An injunction had been slapped on that particular picture, which had only gotten published in one paper before that had happened. Tony’s legal team had not messed around there, and the press knew it. Tony went on to state that even he didn’t mind the attention obviously, which caused a laugh, but other weren’t like him. Steve was very grateful for this and hoped they would have no further incidents like that for now.

Once he was done, he was tired and just wanted to go back to the room and see how Bucky was doing. And was unsurprised to see him painting with the patio door open, letting in fresh air. Just dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants and a black t-shirt. His hair was pulled back in a loose bun, leaving tendrils of hair handing in his face, which he sometimes brushed aside in a mildly irritated way, smearing paint all over his face in the process. He had a look of concentration in his eyes, an intensity that always seemed to darken them slightly, like a stormy sea.

He just stared at him for a while just like that before making his presence known to him, by walking over and resting his hands on his shoulders. “He there gorgeous.” He said softly, nuzzling his face into that beautiful brown hair. “Miss me?”

“Always punk.” Bucky answered, tilting his head to smile at him. “How’d it go?”

“You didn’t watch it?”

“Nah.” He answered, touching up a piece of the painting. “I had better things to do.”

Once again it was hard to tell what Bucky was painting. It often didn’t reveal itself right away. Sometimes he didn’t even know himself. It was just something expressive that he’d gotten really good at. Steve thought he should have a show sometime, after everything calmed down. When he felt confident enough to do it. Bucky was on the fence about it and so he figured he’d let him stew on it.

Resting his chin on Bucky’s head he watched the brush move, the way the arm flexed and pulled on the tape over the scratches. It looked fresh too. “Did Pam come by today?”

“No she and Sam are out exploring the country today, said she ‘d come by tomorrow moring.” Bucky told him absently as he painted. “I did myself. I do know how to change bandages.” He saw him smile as he talked. “Had a lot of practice on you remember?”

“I do remember jerk.” Steve replied, chuckling a bit as he his shoulders a little. “I’m guessing you feel like staying in.”

“You think?” Bucky teased him back. “Besides we gotta finish packing.”

They did. They were leaving tomorrow after the judgment concluded. He just wanted to get Bucky back home to Brooklyn and really start putting this all behind them. To try and get a sense of normalcy back after months of chaos. And he did see Bucky had gotten a lot of that done himself while he was gone. He’d been a busy little bee it seemed.

“You got a lot done.”

“I sure did.” Bucky confirmed, putting the brush down and turning to look at him. “Speaking of that, I need to talk to you.”

There was a serious look in his eyes and Steve was a little concerned about this. He pulled another chair over and sat across from him. “Sure.” He answered. “What about?”

“Wanda came by for a little bit.” Bucky told him, tenting his hands together in front of him, his tags hanging out of his shirt, dangling and reflecting light. “I needed her help and she helped me with it.” He bit his lip nervously. “We did some traveling together.”

Steve knew what this meant without having to be explained. Wanda’s ability to go inside Bucky’s head was something Steve had always been a bit envious of. But was grateful for it as well. Because she helped him to use his mind in new ways as well. He could see that Bucky had learned a little something today and wanted to explain it. So he didn’t interrupt. Just let him continue.

“I went inside the room.” He explained, the metal and flesh fingers tapping together in a nervous way. “To his room. Where he.. did those things to me. “ He looked up at Steve, meeting his eyes as he said this. “I needed to try to put it away because.. I’ve been stuck there for a while.”

Bucky had described to some degree what that place in his head looked like. A room for every trauma. And when he confronted one, it required going inside. Steve could actually visualize it a bit. Bucky had even painted this place once. One of his intricate, disturbing, but strangely beautiful paintings. But the idea that he went into that one was almost as rough as hearing about the torture room.

But he also understood PTSD was a loop you needed to get out of. Bucky had a lot of loops he’d needed to escape over the years. This one was no exception. He just nodded and let him continue without a word.

“I remembered when I was in there that I would just… stare at my hand in that restraint.” He continued, his eyes far away. “I would just concentrate on it, until it was all could see. I’d do it the whole time he was raping me.” He saw Bucky lift his hand and just turn it front of him, rotating it. “I’d turn it just like this and just watch the blood run down it. I focused so much it was all could see and feel.” He lowered it and rubbed it with his metal one. “I didn’t scream, I didn’t fight back. I just watched my wrist bleed until it was over.”

Steve leaned on his elbows, tenting his hand around his mouth and nose as he looked at him. It hurt to hear this, just as much as his testimony had hurt. But this was something he hadn’t said in the trial. It was a detail he saved to share with Steve himself. It was him opening up more about it and sharing the pain with someone. But there was something else to this confession too he sensed as well. Some deeper meaning behind it.

He reached out and took Bucky’s hands, running his thumb over the bandage on the right one. That abused wrist that still had some scars on it. “I’m sorry Buck.” He said, it was all he could think to say, before pressing that same wrist to his lips. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know why you apologize for that shit punk you didn’t do it.” Bucky replied to that with a soft look. “You need to stop that.”

Steve nodded, holding that wrist still. “I’ll try.” He said, still rubbing that wrist.

“I wouldn’t have upset you with this but I realized that I still do that.” Bucky explained, watching Steve rub his wrist gently. “I still try to compartmentalize like that. Focus on the small pains so I can avoid the larger ones. I still try to hold my screams in when I should just let them go.” He did one of those pressed lip smiles, the ones you force when you’re not happy but trying to be. “And I do it front of you a lot I know I do. I still hold back even though I know I don’t have to. It’s just an old habit I’m still trying to get out of.”

Steve had an inkling of him doing this. A sense of a little emotional distance. But he wanted to ask anyways and sensed Bucky wanted him to ask for specifics on. “When do you do that?”

“Sometimes we’re making love lately I bring him out, not just to give him a turn, or for fun but.” Bucky started to explain and then paused as if gathering himself.. “Sometimes I want to avoid the intensity that comes after.” He lowered his eyes. “I feel really raw lately and I just get scared that pain will come out and I won’t be able to handle it.”

He wrapped his hands around Bucky’s wrists and pulled him closer to him upon hearing that confession. Seeing that vulnerability in his eyes as he said it. Admitting how scared he really was of breaking down fully in front of him. Steve wanted to make it clear it was okay if he needed to. That it was always okay. He then just let go of Bucky’s hands and put them on his face again, pressing his own to it.

“You don’t have to hold anything in Buck.” He whispered to him. “If it hurts.. just let it out. I’m here.”

He saw Bucky’s composure just break at that point and he jumped from his chair to Steve’s arms, nearly knocking the chair over with the force of it. He caught him and wrap him up in his arms. He could feel him clutch his shirt, his face buried in his shoulder. Could feel some wetness there, knowing he was crying that quiet way he had, that somehow more painful than hoarse sobs. The deeper the pain seemed the more silent those tears were.

“I just let him do it..” He heard him say in a choked voice against his shoulder. “I wouldn’t even fight back. I… I gave up trying to..” He heard his breath hitch in his throat. “I would just… let them do whatever they wanted.. it’s why I’m guilty.. why I’ll always be guilty.”

He could see how Bucky would make that correlation. That him giving in made him guilty of all those killings. But it wasn’t true. And he knew Bucky knew that, he’d said as much as on the stand. But he remembered he’d just basically admitted to putting on an act in a sense. There was still a part of him that felt he got away with all. That was the part he was trying so desperately to hid from everyone. Including him.

“You kept trying to fight them Buck you said so.” He reminded him, lifting his head to look in his eyes. “You fought back a lot. You did you told everyone that.” He put his hand on his neck, smoothing out his now loose hair. “You killed those men and you fought back and hurt him too. You tried.. but you couldn’t fight forever no matter how strong you are. That’s not on you, that’s on them.”

He leaned his head back against his, holding his face again, fingers in his hair. Looking in his eyes from near inches away. Seeing him again at his most vulnerable now. The people who watched him on the stand saw that stoic strength but didn’t how just how much it took for him to be that way. To hold himself together for as long as he had. This didn’t make him weak in any way either. It made him stronger each time he let more of it out.

“You did what you had to do to survive Buck.” Steve whispered to him. “You need to forgive yourself for that.” He ran his thumbs over the wetness under his eyes. “You need to.”

Bucky wrapped his hands around Steve’s arms and took a shuddering breath. “I’m trying punk.” He answered in a choked voice. “But you might have to remind once and a while.”

He then buried his face back in Steve’s neck, wrapping his arms around his back as he did so. Steve took the opportunity to stand up, picking him as he did, lifting his legs with his hands and carried him over to bed so he could just lay down with him again. Had been doing a lot of this lately but Bucky had needed it. He was alright with taking care of him. Knowing he’d feel all this eventually himself but right now Bucky was more important.

“I’ll remind you every damn day if you want me to.” Steve assured him as he laid down with him in his arms. “Until it penetrates that thick skull of yours.”

Bucky chuckled against his shoulder. “You’ve got a harder head than me punk.”

“Whatever you say jerk.” Steve told him, pressing his lips to his head. “Whatever you say.”

\--

Bucky laid there, curled up in Steve’s arms with his head on his shoulder. He felt exhausted again but much better. A lot less burdened. Feeling for the first time since he’d started testifying, that he’d been totally open and honest about his feelings. Hell maybe even longer than that. Probably sine that bastard had reared his ugly head again.

But he was worried about something else right now. “Steve?” He asked, looking up at him, seeing him turn his head to look at him too. “Can I ask you something?”

“Or course.” Steve answered, his fingers in Bucky’s hair. “What is it?”

“Can you promise me when we get home, you’ll talk to your therapist about all this?” He asked him, his metal fingers trailing over his side. “Because this has been hard on you too and I’m just .. worried.”

“I’m okay right now Buck.” Steve told him. “You don’t have to worry about me right now”

“Yeah you think you are but it still affects you.” He retorted, getting up on his elbow. “So stop being a stubborn punk and promise me will you?”

“Okay I promise I will.” Steve answered, giving him a soft smile. “If it will make you feel better.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at this and got up a little more. “It’s not about me feeling better punk.” He shot back. “It’s about you dealing with the shit I put you through. With the shit you’ve heard lately. And your own shit too.” He reached his metal hand up and put it on his face. “I’m serious here, I’ll throw your ass over my shoulder and carry you there and you know I can.”

He could see Steve knew he was serious. Because he was. He knew Steve still went to therapy. And largely because Bucky himself had been adamant about him doing this. He didn’t go as frequently though and lately, hadn’t seen his therapist in a while. Using the excuse he was too busy. Bucky knew that was bullshit, knew his punk well and knew that he felt like Bucky needed more attention than he himself did. Because he ‘had it worse’ as Steve had said many times. And that never sat well with him to hear. So he was going to keep pushing it.

“This shit hurts you okay?” Bucky told him, still holding his face. “I hurt you just by being the way I am, just because you don’t’ want to admit doesn’t make it any less true either.” He softened his eyes then, which still felt raw from his earlier tears. “I love you and I want you to take care of yourself too, not just me.”

“I’ll do it Buck.” Steve said, with a softer tone himself now. “I promise.”

Bucky smiled at him, nuzzling his nose against his. “I’m holding you too that one.”

He laid back down, using the metal hand to slide up Steve’s shirt a bit and trailing a finger over it. Tracing the muscles on his abdomen. Listening to his heartbeat through his shirt. Remembering how he’d dream of doing just this, only to wake up in that horrible place. How long it had taken to trust this was real and not a torturous dream.

He knew he was stronger now. He could feel it. The more he faced it, the more strength he got out of it.

Wanda had been right along, this was they had tried to keep him from realizing that. What they were so afraid of. Tomorrow would end them he knew. And also knew there was one more thing he wanted to do before they left. And knew Steve would probably object to it. Strenuously.

“I’m gonna go see him tomorrow.” He just said, matter of factly. “After it’s over.”

He could feel Steve’s reaction to this. “What?”

“You heard me.” Bucky replied, not even looking up.

“Why would you want to?” He asked incredulous. “What’s good it’s gonna do?”

“Because I need to Steve.” Bucky answered. “To really finish this.”

“Well then I’m going in with you then.”

Bucky got up at that and crawled over him, his legs straddling Steve’s. “The hell you are.” He said with a force in his voice. “I don’t’ want you anywhere near him cause he’ll try to provoke you and I won’t allow that.”

Steve looked up at him a little angrily. “And you don’t think he’ll do that with you.”

“He won’t be able to cause he’s scared of me.” Bucky told him with surety. “He knows I’m not afraid of him anymore. It’s why he tries to get to me by goading you.” Bucky’s eyes glinted a little at this in a very protective way. “It’s the only card he’s got now and I won’t let him use it.”

He knew that the minute he’d seen those letters. When he’d called him, and asked about Steve. It had changed his whole perspective. The desperate attempt to hurt him by casting doubt in Steve’s mind had been very apparent. All that had done was tighten his resolve to beat him at this. And judging by that assholes look in court, he was doing just that. He wanted to strike the final blow.

“I wanna knock over the rest of the pins.” He told Steve, his eyes taking on look that Steve could clearly see. “And win the whole.. fucking… thing..”

He saw the look on Steve’s face as well as he leaned over him. That recognition. And even a little heat in them. Felt his hands on his waist, warm fingers on his skin, lighting it on fire. Knowing Steve loved when he got uber-protective like this. Even if he didn’t one hundred percent like what he was going to do.

“I don’t like it Buck.” Steve told him, and Bucky thought he heard a little huskiness in his voice. “But I won’t stop you either.”

“Cause you know you can’t.” Bucky replied, his own voice getting lower as well. “And I will not let him anywhere near you.”

One of the hands on his waist moved and wrapped around his dog tags and pulled him down to kiss him. And not exactly softly either. His other hand gripped Bucky’s hair as well, tongue thrusting into his mouth and Bucky couldn’t help but greet him with his own, moaning softly at the roughness of this. He let his own hands grip the hem of Steve’s shirt, tugging on it a little.

“I love when you get protective boo bear.” Steve growled against his lips, gripping his hair tighter. “You’re so fierce.” The hand that tugged on the chain on his tags wrapped itself around his waist now. “So strong….so fucking sexy.”

He then felt himself flipped onto his back, and Steve’s body press him into the mattress. Felt the power of the kiss. Of his hands. Of his love for him. Finally letting himself feel it completely again. His hands gripped his shirt again, pulling it over his head, wanting to get his hands on him possessively now. Wanting to reconnect again on the most basic level.

“I have to protect you Stevie..” He growled, digging his fingers into his neck and back. “Cause you’re mine.. “ He nipped at his neck smiling as he added. “Our Steve.”

It wasn’t the Soldier. It was fully him. His other half was perfectly content to give him time too. But he knew Steve loved hearing that too. It drove him wild. He could see the fire in his sky-blue eyes. The way they darkened. With a possessiveness that matched his own. Some might have called it unhealthy, how possessive they were of each other, but they didn’t care. Those people wouldn’t understand and never would.

They would set the world on fire for each other without hesitation or apology.

His lips were consumed in another fiery kiss, and during this felt his shorts pulled off, and not gently either. His own hands were doing the same with Steve’s until they were both naked to each other’s hungry eyes, save for a few piece of necessary jewelry. Warm skin pressed together, strength against strength. Bucky’s knees gripping Steve’s hips as he stared hungrily up at him.

Steve hands slide over his body deliciously, causing him to moan thickly. No one had ever touched him like this and no one else ever would. Or be allowed to. No one made him feel like this but his Steve. His eyes fluttered as those hands made their way up, finding his arms and entwining their fingers together and pulling his hands over his head, wrapping them around the bedframe.

Steve stared down into his eyes, and Bucky saw a questioning look, which confused him at first until he spoke. “Is it okay like this?” He asked, concern overriding the lust for just a moment. “Right now I mean.”

Bucky got it right then and there. They’d done it like this before but because Bucky had just recently relived the trauma of being raped with his hands restrained, Steve was making sure it was okay this. Like he always did, that he wasn’t doing anything harmful. Bucky could almost cry because of the pureness of that concern for his well-being.

Because his punk always checked on him like that.

“Oh my Stevie.” He purred, his eyes sparkling with love and desire. “You know the answer to that.” He smiled, his fingers flexing in Steve’s as pressed his body against him. “But you’re sweet for asking.”

His legs tightened around Steve’s hips to emphasize this point. And it was all the confirmation Steve needed at that moment. But he still did one more thing. He made sure there were enough pillows around Bucky’s head to he wouldn’t hit his head on the frame. And that additional sweetness just fueled his desire that much more. Making his legs clamp tighter, practically pulling him into body.

The feeling when he slid in was always exquisite and he took a moment to just savor it. Wanting to make it last. His face was right against Steve’s, his eyes wide and staring into his, holding nothing back anymore.

“I love you punk.” He whispered to him, lips scraping his. “I love you so fucking much.”

He felt Steve’s hands on his, could feel the wedding ring on it, rubbing pleasantly against his finger. A perfect micro-feeling that he focused in on he cherished. Knowing Steve could feel his on his metal hand as well. It was quite a moment.

“I love you too Buck.” Steve said against his lips in return. “Always.”

And with their hands clasped together like that, faces together their bodies began to move, slowly at first but picking up speed until the frame was banging into the wall again. Their fingers constantly untangling and re-entwining intimately. Their lips finding each other, kissing fiercely. Bucky wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist and gave back as hard he got, his head falling back, mouth open, cries and love and praise streaming out of him as Steve sucked on his neck sweetly before biting down on it, in the tender spot right by his ear where Bucky swore there was a permanent mark. He hoped there was actually.

And when he came, at least the first time that was, he came so powerfully it just about knocked him out. He didn’t remember the rest of the night, it was just a haze of pleasure and tangled bodies. Of touching and kiss. Of just pure love 

All he knew was that after all of it, he slept straight through it. Curled up and purring in his beautiful punk’s arms. Feeling ready for anything now.

\--

Sitting in the courtroom the final time, Steve felt that anxiousness in the pit of his stomach. And in a strange turn of events it was Bucky who seemed to be calmer and squeezed his hand in support.

“I got a good feeling about this punk.” He said, smiling at him, his hair pulled back from his face. “It’s almost over.”

It was, he was right on that, but he was maybe more nervous about Bucky’s decision to go visit that bastard after this. He, Bucky, had actually called Sharon this morning to see if she could arrange it before the Colonel was carted off to wherever international jail they took him to after this. Steve heard him to explain to her over the phone why he needed to do this. And while he apprehension about it, he felt pride too.

Because he seemed so strong now. So formidable. And it made him even more beautiful if that was possible.

“I know Sharon.” He had heard Bucky say as he was finishing his breakfast. “I just need to finish it that’s all.”

He obviously couldn’t hear her reply to that, but the confidence in Bucky’s voice was apparent and very audible. He looked over at Steve and there was that smile again. The one that made his heart swell every time he saw it.

“Thanks Sharon.” He heard him say. “I know it’s big favor and I appreciate it.”

It was done now. Arranged. By Bucky himself this time. And Steve had realized that this was a good thing. Bucky was making more and decisions for himself all the time. Putting himself in the driver’s seat and taking all the control back. And with that reiterating his demand for Steve himself to go back to counseling. And Steve planned on doing just that.

Right now his attention was turned to the courtroom filling up. With the council appearing. Taking their seats. His hand was in Bucky’s, gripping it tight causing a reaction from him. “You trying to break my hand punk?” He was asked with a little mirth. “I only got one real one you know?”

Steve looked a little chagrined and loosened his grip. “Sorry jerk.”

Finally it was in session again. The head of Council would speak for all of them it seemed. A stern looking fellow if there ever was one. Steve focused his attention on this, like everyone else in the room did as well. And the man finally spoke.

“We had conferred together, reviewing all the evidence and testimony given by many brave family members and survivors of injustices that can only be called inhuman. And we thank them for sharing their stories. As difficult as those stories were to hear, they were necessary for the justice to be done.”

Just by the sound of this Steve knew it was about to be judgement day for many. Justice was coming swiftly and he turned to Bucky for a moment before turning his attention back to the Head Councilor.

“It is the judgement of this council that all crimes listed on this indictment, were in fact committed on a high level by these individuals and the organization they were part of. These high crimes include Murder, Imprisonment, Torture, Enslavement and Rape are Crimes Against Humanity and cannot be tolerated by any country or citizen of this world. They have caused untold damage to their victims and their families. To the world in general.”

Guilty was essentially the verdict, and it had been unanimous. And it was all members of the organization, living or dead. Present or not. A referendum of justice long overdue. And the applause was loud and celebratory.

Steve looked over at Bucky and saw his eyes were closed, And there were tears on his face. Showing them publicly for the first time for everyone to see. He reached over and put his hands on his face and saw him open his eyes. Saw the relief in them too.

‘”You did it.” Steve told him, feeling his own emotion as well. “You got them Buck. You got all of them.”

Bucky turned and just hugged him tight. “Naw.” He corrected him. “We all did it.”

Out in the hall after, he was getting plenty of other hugs. From everyone. Could see Amelia talking to Bucky, her hands on his face, smiling as she did. No doubt just telling him she’d believed in him all along. He didn’t interfere with that in the slightest.

“Tell you what Cap, think we are all gonna get shit ass drunk on the plane later.” Tony told him, feeling his own sense of justice he was sure. “Everyone but the pilot obviously.”

“Amen to that.” Sam seemed to agree. “I could use a drink. Or maybe 10.”

Steve nodded, his eyes continuously going to Bucky, watching him. The way he smiled and talked to people in this moment. The weight was off him now he could see it. Could see the real hope for the future in his eyes and knew he would fight like hell to keep it there.

“Sounds great to me.” Steve finally answered, turning back to them. “We got one more thing to do before we go and then we’ll get the hell out of here and go home.”

Wanda had left to retrieve Arya from the hotel, their bags about to be sent ahead of them. He wanted to get the cat settled on the plane with familiar people around her. Because once they were done, they were headed for the plane themselves. Headed home.

“You still didn’t say what that was.” Sam remarked curiously. “Care to share?”

Steve shook his head, no sense in killing the mood. “Tell you some other time.”

Soon Bucky was back at his side, Amelia having left to catch her own plane home. He took Steve’s hand with his metal one, and Steve felt that ring on it. It steadied him in the moment. “It’s almost time to go.” Bucky told him, studying his eyes as said it. “They’re taking him away in an hour.”

“You sure you still wanna do this?” He asked as the others dispersed for the airport. “You can still change your mind you know?”

“I’ll be fine Steve.” Bucky assured him, taking his other hand as well. “I can do this.”

Steve smiled and just pulled him to him, brushing that errant strand away from his face. “I know you can.” He told him before giving him a kiss. “You can do anything.”

He took a moment, enjoying the soft kiss before Bucky pulled him along. Running his last errand. Finishing it once and for all.

They were escorted away from any press to different hallway when they met Sharon. Who greeted them both with a smile that reminded Steve an awful lot of her Aunt. It made him a little sad but he knew Peggy would be awful proud of what her niece had accomplished as well.

“It’s down the hall.” She told them, and pointed to a serious looking man in a uniform that looked like a guard. One you didn’t fuck with. “There’s a room here Steve can wait in for now.”

Bucky nodded and turned to Steve, squeezing his hand one more time and Steve thought he saw a little trepidation in his eyes. But fortitude as well. “This won’t take long punk.” He reassured him. “I’ll be fine I swear.”

Steve watched him go without saying a word, feeling that old worry himself. And the knowledge of who was at the end of that hall. Feeling that anger deep down inside him yet again. Remembering what that man had done to Bucky. It caused his fists to clench thinking about it. He knew Bucky was right to not let him near there.

Because if the Colonel ever got in his line of sight again, he’d rip him apart. He knew he would. And that feeling was not going away anytime soon. It was a feeling, a rage he knew he’d have to deal with.

“Don’t worry Steve.” Sharon assured as she sat next to him. “He’s changed up and besides, something tells me Bucky can handle himself.”

“Thanks Sharon.” He told her, trying to give her a brave simile. “It’s not that I’m worried about.”

“I know but, he’s strong Steve.” She told him, squeezing his hand. “And after what he did in court this week, I’d put all my money on him.”

Steve just nodded, knowing she was right but it didn’t stop the feeling of helplessness he felt at this. All he wanted to get Bucky out of here and home. Far away from that bastard and all the pain he caused him. So he just watched the clock impatiently.

“You just gotta keep me from going out there that’s all.” He told her after a while. “Because if I see him. He won’t make it out of here.”

“And if you really wanted to go there I think we both know I couldn’t stop you Steve.”

She was right on that too. But he restrained himself. He let Bucky do it on his own. As much as he wanted to intervene, he loved him and respected him enough to trust him to handle himself. It was all h could do really.

\--

Bucky waited in the conference room, gathering himself a little. He wasn’t afraid so much of him, but more of his reaction to him, now that they were one on one. And they were alone.

There was a two-way mirror to his right, but there was no one behind it. He’d asked for this specifically. He didn’t want observation. Especially by Steve. He didn’t want Steve with sight of the Colonel. As much as he denied it, Bucky knew the man was in Steve’s head a bit still. And if the other man knew he was there, he would do his best to goad him to come in. Bucky knew that bastard well enough to know that.

“Bucky I’ll be outside.” Steve protested earlier that day. “I don’t want to leave you by yourself.”

Bucky shook his head and put his hands on Steve’s neck. “No it’s too close.” He said to him, looking right into his eyes. “Because he’ll sense you’re there and say something horrible and you’ll come flying through that damn window like the idiot you are.” This was said with love but there was a sternness behind it. “So just for once, listen to me okay?”

He had reluctantly gotten Steve to agree to stay away and now here he was, by himself waiting for what he hoped would be the final chapter in this. The verdict hadn’t been surprising, and Bucky had hardly heard the sentence, he had been too distracted by Steve. But he was pretty sure the man would never see the light of day again, and that was just fine with him. All that mattered was that he would never get out alive.

When the door opened on the other side, he leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed as they brought the Colonel in. Chained up. Arm shackles connected to the ankle ones. Bucky felt a sense of satisfaction at this role-reversal as he was sat down in a chair by the table. And they were left alone.

Standing there, face to face once again, with the monster who’d tortured and raped him. Who’d nearly killed him several months ago. He’d been terrified of him but not anymore. Things had changed. He had changed.

“Well hello Soldat.” The man said with defiance in his voice. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Bucky just stayed against the wall for the moment. “I’m just here to say goodbye that’s all.”

“Where’s your Captain?” The man asked curiously. “I don’t get a goodbye from him?”

He sensed a fishing expedition in the question. Curiosity. “He ain’t here.” He replied. “Just you and me.”

He saw the mans eyes flick to the mirror as he answered. “Just like the old days Soldat.” The man answered with a malicious little smile. “There’s plenty of room at this table.” He gestured to it. “Have a seat and lets get re-acquainted.”

The idea of being that close to him disgusted him to be honest but he kept it off his face. “I’d rather stand.” He told him, staying right where he was for the moment. “Since I have a choice in the matter now.”

“To each their own.” The Colonel said dismissively and looked at the glass again. “Are you sure Captain Rogers isn’t here?”

“I’m sure.” Bucky told him. “I wouldn’t let him anywhere near you.”

The man smiled that malicious smile again. “Well he can be the jealous type I’ve heard.” He mused, putting his shackled hands on the table. “And after all he’s heard about us I suppose it’s for the best.”

He did his best to contain the disgust he felt whenever this man insinuated a relationship. Or when he called him Soldat. He kept his face neutral. The poker face he’d gotten really good at over the years.

“Why would he be jealous?” Bucky asked, countering him. “He’s got no reason to be because there was no us.” He eyes bore a hole into the man. “There was just you and a chain as I recall.”

“Oh Soldat you’re still angry about that?” The man answered, trying to intimidate him with his look. “I’ll bet Captain Rogers is too.” He tented his shackled hands together. “Does it bother him that I got to have you too? I bet it does. Thinks about all the fun games we played in my chambers.” He smiled wistfully as if in recollection, which just made Bucky feel more disgusted but he hid it well. “In my bed.”

This was precisely why he didn’t want Steve here. Because he was going to try this shit. Bucky thought maybe a part of him still believed Steve was out there. Or maybe it was just to get to him through Steve. Bucky kept himself contained however, not taking the bait himself. He even let a little smile creep onto his face, which seemed to unnerve the man a little.

“What’s so funny Soldat?” He was asked. “Reliving the fond memories?”

“No I was just thinking you’re kinda pathetic that’s all.” Bucky answered, finally standing up off the wall and coming a little closer, even though it disgusted him a little to be even that close. “You wouldn’t come anywhere near me as long as I had some fight in me so you got your buddy to break me in first.” He leaned his hands on the table and glared at him. “And then you swooped in took the broken bits that were left for yourself.”

“That was your training Soldat.” The Colonel hissed at him, getting a bit angry now. “I ordered it to make you better. Stronger. And I succeeded didn’t I?”

“Yeah cause you’re the type of turd that never does the dirty work himself.” Bucky shot back, seeing the anger in his eyes, his growing understanding of the situation. “And literally stepped over the dead bodies of others to claim the credit.” Bucky held his eyes, showing no fear in them. “He at least had some balls unlike you.” He let himself smile wickedly. “And that was before I cut yours off.”

He saw the Colonel angrily yank his chain, slamming his hands on the table. If it was meant to intimidate Bucky it didn’t work. The power dynamic had shifted here. And they both knew it.

“You insolent cur.” The man growled, glaring. “You don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“Oh but I do.” Bucky answered meeting his glare with his own. “Cause I’m not the one in the chain anymore am I?”

“We made you what you are.” The Colonel said, leaning forward to the point where Bucky could actually smell him now. That old smell of sweat and vodka that filled his mind with those terrible memories. “And now everyone knows everything you did Soldat.. everything.”

He was right, but there was a strange thing that had happened. He didn’t feel ashamed of that anymore. Yeah he’d always feel the guilt to some degree but now that it was all out he was relieved, not ashamed. And this had been a very liberating feeling to have. It gave him strength, even as the smell of the man kept bringing back those memories, causing him to pull back just a little instinctively.

“Yeah maybe they do.” He agreed, but then added. “But they know about you too. They know every filthy thing you ever did.” He pulled back a little more, standing up again. “They know about all the people you killed for the cause. And that you tortured and raped me. “ His eyes glinted angrily. “They know everything and now they are gonna put you in a deep hole like the one you tried to put me in.” That smile appeared again, a malicious one that might’ve scared some people. Hell it scared him. “And that idea, is one I’m very much going to enjoy once I’m far away from here.”

“There’s that hate Soldat.” The Colonel said smugly, even though he saw some fear in him too. “I see it in your eyes again.” He smiled at little himself again. “That killer that you always will be inside.”

Bucky stepped back even more, keeping himself under control. The words got to him a little but not the way they would’ve a few months ago. He was stronger now and he knew it. “See that’s where you’re wrong. I was never a killer, that’s just what you tried to make me.” He told him, putting his hands back on the table again. “And that hate, it was always for you.” He got a hard look at that point, his arms crossing again. “And it will die with you.”

“Well that might take a while Soldat.” The Colonel said meeting his glare. “And in that time, it will eat at you can your Cpatain.”

Bucky leaned forward again and looked him in the eyes. Willing himself to not let those memories overwhelm him again. He couldn’t hurt him now. He never would again. He was free now.

“No it won’t, because your already dead to me.” He told him, letting the sureness show in his voice. “The Bratva will get you and when they do.. I hope it hurts.” He stood back up and held his angry glare. “And I want the last thing you think of before you reach hell is that I got away. That I beat you.”

“You’ll never escape me Soldat.” The Colonel hissed as he backed away from him. “I’ll be in your head. And your Captains as well.”

He might have been right on some levels but not the way he thought. And he sure as hell was not going to say that. Bucky knew it would be a while before he could work this asshole out of Steve’s head, maybe even his own, but he knew it would come someday. He already had less power than he had before.

“When I walk out of here you’ll just be a bad memory to both of us.” Bucky told him, just about done now. “And we’ll get over that. “ He smiled again, that wicked smile. “We’ll do it together in our bed long after you’re dead and rotting.”

He hit the button to indicate he was done. Because he was. Being even within 8 feet of the man made him feel dirty. He wanted to put the distance between them. To finally, truly, put this all behind him. He didn’t even give him a chance to respond to that statement, hoping it burned him inside for what was left of his life, thinking on that image of him Steve ‘working it out’ in the bed while he rotted away. The idea was delicious to him, and he just turned his back and walked out without even looking back.

Bucky found his way down the hall to where Steve was waiting for him. He saw him stand up and turn to him. Looking so goddamn beautiful to his eyes. His perfect blonde punk, his sunshine. After being in the presence of that nightmare, having Steve waiting for it at the end of it was what had pulled him through it he realized.

He walked up to him and just put his arms around him, letting himself be hugged tightly for a moment. He really needed. Thinking hugs were not overrated at all. He breathed him in, smelling him, a much sweeter smell than the one that had filled his nose before, and nuzzled his face into his neck.

This smell made him feel safe. It smell liked home.

“You alright?”

“I’m not sure.” He said honestly into his neck, his hands flat on Steve’s back. “But I will be.”

Steve then stepped back, putting his hands on his face to look at him, those sky-blue eyes looking into his. Eyes that always pulled him in from the dark. “You ready to go?”

Bucky smiled, wrapping his hands around Steve’s arms. “Yeah I am.” He told him, letting out a heavy breath. “Let’s go home.”

\--

Once that got on the plane Steve saw they’d already started getting trashed. He wasn’t surprised they’d had at least an hour maybe more. And Steve wouldn’t have minded a drink himself at this point.

Bucky had looked a little pale but mostly okay when he’d come out, and Steve knew it was pointless to ask him about it. If he wanted to talk he would. He had also respected Bucky’s request not to be there or observe even though he really wanted to. He knew Bucky was right. He would not have been able to control himself. The man was in his head even though he tried to deny it to himself. Bucky had known better. He always did.

And he knew this was Bucky’s battle to finish and it looked like he did. Whatever was said in there was, well, not his business unless Bucky wanted it to be. Right now, he just wanted to go home. And now they were on the plane. With their friends and their cat and it was a time to just, celebrate in a way.

Steve could see Arya sitting in Wanda’s lap, and smiled as Bucky went over and picked her up, cuddling her and sitting down himself. Steve was about to sit with him when Sam tossed him a beer. “ You and Barnes gotta catch up.” Sam declared. “Then it’ll really be a party.”

“I’ll pass Wilson.” Bucky called out. “Taking a break from the booze.” He then grinned and added. “Beside it’ll be more fun watching you guys make fools of yourselves.”

“What about you Cap?” Tony asked, eyeing Steve holding the beer. “You teetotalling too?”

He looked at bucky, who nodded as if to say ‘it’s fine’ and turned his attention back to Arya and Wanda. With this permission of sorts, Steve popped the lid and had himself a drink. Had himself a few actually. It had been a stressful few months after all. Even though he couldn’t really get drunk, the buzz was nice and relaxing.

Soon they were in the air, Tony and Sam getting raucous, with eyerolls from their women. Pepper and Pam just chatted, ignoring them for a while. Steve eventually sat down next to Bucky, who was looking out the window at the clouds going by with an unreadable expression on his face.

“You sure you’re alright?” He asked, putting his arm around him.

“I’m fine.” Bucky answered, looking back at him, giving a genuine smile as he did. “I just can’t wait to get home that’s all.”

“You know you can have a drink too you know?” Steve told him, curious about this. “You’ve earned it.”

“I know.” Bucky answered, petting Arya as she slept on his lap. “But I think I’m gonna give that up for a while.” He looked down at his hand, where there was still gauze taped on. “It’s time I start really coping in a healthy way punk.”

He knew Bucky had been wrestling with this for a while. Going back and forth on his drinking, which while not really constituting alcoholism, could be problematic considering the sheer amount of alcohol he could drink without getting drunk and the medication he was on. So Steve understood this decision and would support it. Trusting that Bucky knew his own mind better than anyone.

“Alright.” He said agreeably. “Do whatever you gotta do.”

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, looking at him as if studying him.

“I think so.” Steve told him. “I’m happy it’s over that’s all.”

“Remember what I said punk.” Bucky reminded him. “Talk to your therapist. Don’t make me drag you there by that blonde hair of yours okay?”

He knew he himself, wasn’t okay, he could feel it in spite of his own statements. Knew he was still processing it all too. Bucky seemed to be getting better by the day which made him happy but the toll had been taken on Steve himself, and he knew Bucky knew that and wanted to take care of him too. And after all this, he’d let him do just that. They had, after all, always taken are of each other when the other needed it.

“Don’t worry jerk.” He told him, grabbing his head and kissing it. “I will.”

“Good.” Bucky said with a grin and then nodded to their left. “Now this is entertaining.”

Sam and Tony were now doing a drinking game that Wanda was moderating, and they were both getting progressively drunker as the flight went on. Steve had a feeling Pam and Pepper would be driving them home. And possibly carrying them to bed.

“I do love our friends.” Bucky declared, grinning at the drunken fun.

He looked so happy and Steve just loved the sight. It was like he was unburdened and brightened. Strong. The laughter lit up his face and Steve just couldn’t help himself, cupping his chin and turning his face to his to look in those sparkling teal-blue eyes.

“Yeah.” He said to him, pulling his lips to his. “And I love you.”

He felt Bucky smile into the kiss, wrapping his metal hand around Steve’s neck. “I love you too punk.”

“Oh here we go.” They heard Sam lament drunkenly. “Get a room you two.”

“Don’t be hating Wilson.” Bucky called out, pulling away for a second to respond. “Just concentrate on not getting your ass kicked.”

“Yeah Polly.” Tony declared, putting down another shot. “You’re dealing with a.” Pausing drunkenly to find the words. “Professional drinker here..”

Steve laughed again, not even hearing what anyone else said, and pulled Bucky’s lips to his again, this time making sure he did a through job. Without the least care of anyone seeing, feeling that metal hand in his hair as he pulled Bucky closer, losing himself in the moment as the clouds flew by the window behind them.

It was a good flight home. With good friends and they forgot about the bad things for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this one was done in record time go me. And it's important because it's setting up the remaining arc of this fic (I don't know how much long the next couple of chapters will show me the way to end per usual) 
> 
> I thought this would be interesting to show the emotional fallout of big moments like Bucky's testimony, like in the previous fic, the chapter called 'August' sort of showed fallout from the major events of the one before. This is similar in that sense. Bucky is not sure at first how he feels yet. Not sure where he is mentally at first because to be quite honest, that was a lot to deal with. Let's dive in a little more in that. 
> 
> It's honestly in the beginning like a delayed sense of shock, because he basically told the world what happened to him. Everything that happened to him and what he himself did and that is a lot to reveal so there is this sense he has no secrecy and no privacy in a way. He feels exposed and that feeling might take a little while to go away, especially with the press coverage and everything. It's another reason victims of high profile crimes have a hard time after. Sometimes they just sort of disappear for a while. 
> 
> And to the press Bucky is somewhat of an enigma as Tony says, he's made very little comments or statements despite his somewhat high profile status. Being the spouse of an Avenger certainly would considered celebrity status but he's not very public so it would make sense for Steve to speak for him right. That may change eventually, he may end up doing a public statement but he will most likely, largely want to stay in the shadows as much as possible. 
> 
> I love his friendship with Wanda and her ability to travel with him in mind gives them a strong bond as a result. Wanda can see things first hand others can't, and her own experiences give her a unique perspective on Bucky's situation as well. The fact that she went with him this time and helped sort of 'unbind ' himself was very big and special to Bucky. It did and will help him going forward by freeing himself from the mental restraints as well, which the cuffs and chain did represent. They weren't just physical items, but mental ones too. Which was where he was restrained more than anything. And those were much harder to get out of. So I liked the symbolism between the physical and mental restraints a lot. 
> 
> Bucky's final confrontation with the Colonel I thought was important. For him to see that he really wasn't afraid anymore and realize that the roles were reversed. He was the free one, that one that had all the power now. Could see for himself the the man was no longer any real threat to him. And to twist that knife that little bit more. I like the 'my hate will die with you' and I borrowed it from Braveheart because I think that's a powerful statement, its saying he doesn't own him now. And that once that person is gone the darkness might just may go too. Because they brought it. So it was an empowering moment, just as much as taking the stand was and it's going to have powerful ramifications, in a positive way for Bucky going forward. 
> 
> Now on the other hand, there's Steve and the hinting that he may be having some issues that may be slowly surfacing and have been hinted. A delayed reaction to everything that had happened. He's been so busy looking after Bucky that he neglected himself and this is something Bucky is very aware of. It's the reason why he wanted to keep him far from the Colonel and his influence because he is in Steve's head a bit. And this will start to really be addressed in the next chapter, which I am very excited to write. 
> 
> As I said, the next chapter will deal with Steve's delayed trauma reaction. It's going to feature a jump in time as well, like a month or so, to get us closer to Steve's birthday as well (and a nice surprise has planned for him too, which may involve a reader request ;) ) And will feature a returning object from very early in the book. It won't be the only Easter Egg to come up, nothing in this book by accident, I'm a big fan of the Chekov's gun thing, you put in there, you have to use it eventauly ;) 
> 
> Anyways thank you all for the lovely comments and to my new readers who are catching up, hope your enjoying it <3 <3<3 and *hugs* and I hope everyone is doing well *mucah*


	27. Post Traumatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another one in record time go me :)
> 
> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

Bucky woke up early that morning, and not by choice either. It was because Steve was holding him so tight from behind that he almost couldn’t breathe. He was having a nightmare, something that had been happening a lot lately, so this wasn’t unusual. But it was concerning.

It had been just over a month and half since they’d gotten back from the Netherlands, and things had been good, really good actually, as they’d hunkered up in their home for a little bit, just wanting some serious alone time here. Bucky for his part was doing great, better than he’d felt in a long time if he was honest. Could count the number of bad days he’d had on one hand since they’d been back, which was a victory to him. Allowing him to resume certain activities such as his counseling classes and trips to the VA. Got some painting done and had worked on some interior changes to their house. His mind was clearer than ever and the creativity came with it.

Not everything was great, there were problems. But for the most part it wasn’t him that was having them. It was Steve and it worried him.

The strange behavior had started not long after Steve had gone back to work at the compound, and it had gotten increasingly noticeable in spite of Steve’s instance that things were fine. The nightmares became more frequent, until he was outpacing Bucky with them. And there was this sort of uber protectiveness, not that this wasn’t cute at first, but it bordered on paranoia in the way he’d eye anyone who got near them. And he always tried to get the mail before Bucky would too, as if he was screening it for something.

And there was the other thing too, the one that was causing the most concern for Bucky these days.

Their sex life had been hot and heavy when they got back, like normal, or maybe a little more so, it was almost like a renewal, especially with the Soldier added to the mix. But lately there had been a disturbing change in it. Not in the amount of it, but the nature of it. Steve wasn’t taking anywhere as much initiative as he used to, seemingly leaving it to Bucky to start things. And he was.. not as aggressive when it did. In fact, Bucky was either topping or on top. Not that he complained about that but that rough, take charge element Steve had always and that Bucky had always enjoyed, had, seemed to dissipate.

When he brought this up causally, he got what sounded like an evasive answer. “I just wanted to let you have some control for a while.” Steve had explained as they laid there after once. “Figured you’d enjoy it.”

“Well I do punk but..” He answered, trailing his finger up and down his chest. “I do kinda like the other stuff too you know?” He’d slid up to lean over and look in his eyes as they’d talked. “Is something wrong?”

Steve just put his hand in Bucky’s hair and smiled. “Nothings wrong jerk. It’s just a changed up for now.” He was told, and not convincingly. “That’s all it is.”

But it hadn’t. In fact things had gotten a bit worse since. Which started to make him feel it was something to do with him now. He tired to dismiss this as residual insecurities he was still working through but it was starting to take hold a little in his head now.

And Steve just would not talk about it when he asked, which didn’t help that. But Bucky was also starting to think weird, disconcerting thoughts about delayed trauma reactions. He learned about it in his counseling classes and had also spoken his concerns to Amelia once and she’d confirmed that could happen. And most likely was with Steve.

“You can have delayed reactions to trauma, days, weeks, even years. Usually there’s a triggering even that causes this.” She’d explained to him during a recent session. “Like there was with you remember?”

He had. His sudden recollection of his abuse had caused him to be unable to perform certain acts when he’d been able to before. It was like a block. It had annoyed him then but he understood it better now. And was starting to think that all this stress and trauma of the last 6 months, hell maybe longer than that, had just finally gotten to him. But he couldn’t exactly pinpoint any kind of trigger that he himself had seen. And Steve wasn’t talking. Kept it insisting he was fine.

It irritated Bucky, but also made him realize how difficult he himself must’ve been to deal with too.

And that in itself made him not want to push him for a while. Almost as if he felt he had no right to. Or worse, that he’d caused this in some way. It didn’t take much to trigger guilt in him he’d realized.

And now here he was, struggling for air because Steve was holding him so tight. Struggling was of no use he’d found so he just did his best usually to just try to talk him into loosening the grip. “Steve.. I can’t breathe can you just..” He spoke over his shoulder. “Let me go a little?”

“Noo.” He heard Steve say into his hair, in an almost choked voice. “You can’t.. have him…”

Bucky put his metal hand on Steve’s hand and did his best to pull on it a little bit and tried again. “It’s just a nightmare punk..” He tried to reassure him. “I’m here and no one’s got me okay?”

Finally, after another minute of restricted air, reminding him of when he’d been on the ventilator several months ago,, Steve finally loosed his grip enough to allow Bucky to breathe better and even to turn around in his arms. He could see, even in the still dark room, Steve’s eyes had opened and he was just staring at him like he hadn’t seen him in forever. He looked, well, terrified.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, lifting his flesh hand and putting it on Steve’s face. “Just tell me what’s going on?”

Steve just wrapped his arm around Bucky and buried his face in his shoulder, shaking his head slightly. “Just a bad dream that’s all.” He said, barely above a whisper. “I’m okay.”

He wasn’t, Bucky could feel him shaking. Could feel his arm clutching him, not as tight as before but still snug, almost like he was clutching him, afraid to let him go. He buried his face in Steve’s blonde hair and wrapped one of his legs around him comfortingly to envelope him more.

“The hell you are.” He countered, speaking into his ear. “You’re a bad liar.”

“I ‘m fine Buck.” Steve continued to insist in spite of his obvious behavior. “I just need a minute that’s all.”

“God you’re so fucking stubborn.” Bucky lamented, lifting his face to look in his eyes. “I wish you’d just tell me what’s goin’ on with you punk.”

Steve reached up as well, putting his hand on the back of Bucky’s head and leaned their foreheads together. “It’s just a nightmare Buck.” He told him again. “I swear I’m okay.”

To say Steve was stubborn was an understatement, and Bucky knew that, once again, he’d get nothing out of him this morning. He could only hope he was talking about whatever it was in counseling, but it was bothersome that he wouldn’t say anything here. Bucky himself was very familiar with how denial and avoidance worked, he’d practiced it well himself over the years. Learning how to open up had been tough, and how to trust people enough be totally honest, and there was a part of him that now thought Steve didn’t trust him. And once again understood how much him holding back must’ve made Steve feel the same way.

But his own experience on the opposite side had made him better prepared to deal with it too.

“You know you’re trying to bullshit a bullshitter right?” He asked Steve with a crooked smile. “And you’re nowhere near as good at that as I am.”

Steve just kind of gave him a defensive look. “Bucky-“

“If you say you’re fine one more time Steve I swear to God you’re sleeping on the damn couch..” Bucky said with some force. “We’re gonna talk about this shit right now…”

“What do you want me to say Buck?” Steve asked him a little angrily himself. “I had a nightmare, I barely remember it now.”

“You’ve been having them almost every night for a month now.” Bucky reminded him. “I’m getting a bit worried.” He bit his lip before adding a little more. “And that’s not the only thing.”

Steve almost looked confused at this statement. “What other thing?”

“Oh don’t play dumb with me punk.” Bucky answered, pulling back and leaning on his elbow. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He had extracted himself fully from Steve’s arms now, trying to make his point. “I practically have to climb on you these days to get anything. Even as him I’m doing all the work.”

“Is that what this about?” Steve asked in an irritatingly dismissive way. “The way we’re having sex? Because you’re certainly not complaining during it.”

The way he put it sounded a bit hurtful, but Bucky knew he was just being defensive. And he was a big boy, it wasn’t the first fight they’d had about shit like this. It was pretty normal compared to some of the other shit they’d argued about. He just sucked it and sat up, running his hands through his hair before turning back to him to finish his point.

“I didn’t then you’re right you’re right about that, but maybe I should’ve said something sooner.” He explained, turning back completely. “You’re not like you were.. it’s like you’re holding back on me and I just.. don’t know why.”

He felt that growing fear in him that what Steve had learned about just how brutal it had gotten for him in Siberia that maybe that was the reason. That this was a delayed reaction to it all. That it finally sunk in after all this time and he didn’t want to do him that way now. That he was humoring him to spare his feelings. It was that old irrational fear coming back again, making him feel dirty and used. Like this was the Colonel’s final jab at him, to succeed in casting doubt in Steve’s head.

It aw irrational he knew, and the last thing he wanted to do was backtrack and make it about himself right now. It was obvious that there was something wrong with Steve and if he let his own head get clouded with doubt again after all the progress he’d made, he wouldn’t be able to focus and help him.

He felt Steve’s arm around him from behind, and didn’t bother to shake him off, but didn’t raise his own. Just kept them at his side, holding onto the bed tightly. “I’m sorry Buck.” Steve said in his ear. “If I’m making you feel bad I don’t mean to.”

“That’s just it Steve.” He answered, willing himself not to turn around and give in, although he wanted to. Very badly. “It’s not about what I’m feeling it’s that… you won’t talk to me and I don’t know why.”

He didn’t expect an answer and was surprised when he got one. “I don’t know either Buck.” He said as he nuzzled Bucky’s neck softly. “I just.. can’t right now.”

“You’re going to counseling right?” Bucky asked, needing the truth on this at least. “Or are you just telling me you are to placate me?”

“I am Buck.” Steve replied, pressing his face into his shoulder. “I went yesterday.” He felt Steve’s hand on his stomach, flattening just about his scar. “Do you think I’d lie about that?”

Bucky took a deep breath and finally allowed his hand to rest on Steve’s. “A month ago I’d say no but these days..” He answered, being as honest as possible. “I don’t know.”

He hated that he was questioning this but he just wasn’t sure. The distrust made him annoyed and more upset than he would like. As if their was another presence in here, wrecking havoc with them.

“Well I am.” Steve reassured him, brushing his hair with his other hand. “I swear.” He felt him smile against his neck. “I do listen to you once and a while jerk.”

It didn’t feel like a lie to him and that was a relief, even if he couldn’t get him talk here maybe he was at least talking there. It did loosen him up slightly but not enough to turn around yet. There was still a tension in him he was sure Steve could feel

“I love you punk.” He whispered to him, just allowing both his hands on Steve’s. “I just wanna know you’re okay that’s all. After.. all that shit you know?” He sighed heavily, practicing his breathing a little because he felt tight. “You’ve been through a lot too you know?”

“I know jerk.” Steve replied, brushing Bucky’s hair with his hand. “But you’re the one that feels all tense now.”

He was. He felt very tight in fact. Knew if Pam had read his heartrate right now she’d be concerned. “I am.” He admitted, wanting to relent to Steve’s touch now. Very badly. “Cause I’m worried.”

“Well don’t.” Steve whispered in his ear. “I’m taking care of things I swear.”

He could feel his lips on his neck and he really wanted to turn around now, to give in and kiss him, but he wanted to stay a little bit cool too. Not to reward him for his behavior by letting his foot off the gas. Even though those lips felt good on his neck. The hands too, finding the skin between his shirt and his shorts. His eyes fluttered a little, and felt a sigh escape him in spite his best efforts. But he reminded himself that Steve still hadn’t really addressed it yet. That this was just, a distraction.

“I’m not done talking this.” He said, getting himself together. “Stop trying to distract me.”

“I’m not distracting you.” Steve answered, speaking into his ear. “Just trying to loosen you up.”

Bucky scoffed at this and pulled away from him a little. “Seriously?” He asked incredulously. “You think I don’t know an avoidance tactic?” He turned to look at Steve show he was serious. “I used to pull this with you remember? When I didn’t want to talk.”

“So that’s how it is now?” Steve asked with a hint of aggravation in his voice as he sat back a little. “You’re gonna pull psychology on me now?”

“If the shoe fits.” Bucky answered, pulling his guard way up now. “Beside I invented that maneuver punk so I’m not gonna fall for it.”

“So we’re still in a fight then I guess?”

Bucky got up and turned around to face him, standing an arm’s length away now. “Until you start talking to me yes we are.” He told him, resting his hands on hips as he talked. “I’m done ignoring the problem I’ve been doing it for a goddamn month now and it hasn’t gotten any better.”

Steve just put his hands on his face for a moment as he sat there and then looked up. “I have to go soon so..” Steve said and then paused, put his hands on his knees and got up. “I really don’t have time for this.”

Bucky glared at him at the use of the word ‘I’ there. As if it was only affecting him right now. And he knew full well he didn’t have to leave just yet, he had time. It was just a stall tactic. Bucky knew all about those too. He also had to ignore not only how hot Steve looked getting out of bed like that, all angry and tense, but his wanting to just forgive him and let it go. Because it was a strong urge. He could still see his little ornery punk in his eyes. The one that never wanted to back down ever. The one who hadn’t given up on him. But he knew he had to be strong and just do this. To wait him out in that sense if he was going to help him at all.

“Then maybe you should go then.” He suggested, folding his arms. “And we’ll resume this later.” He kept the hard look in his eyes, even though it was a struggle. “Cause this conversation isn’t over.”

“Yeah.” Steve answered, grabbing some clothes to head for the shower. “I guess not.”

He strode off to the bathroom, and Bucky did let himself enjoy the view a little before sitting down heavily on the bed and petting Arya, who’d walked over to him curiously as if wondering what was up with her Daddies today.

“It’s okay little darlin’. “ He told her, scooping her up with his metal arm and feeling her snuggle against him. “Daddy and I are just having a disagreement.”

That would be putting it mildly. If it wasn’t a full blown fight it would probably turn into one if they didn’t out of each other’s sights for a bit. A little time during the day apart could be productive for them both he supposed. To straighten their heads out.

Eventually he just went downstairs and got some breakfast to get ready for the day. He had a two-hour class to go to, and a meeting at the VA. Plus coffee chat with Wanda. And then there was the wedding rehearsal dinner for Sam and Pam as well. If they didn’t’ resolve this by then it would be a very interesting night and not in a good way. And the last thing Bucky wanted to do was ruin that.

So yeah. A day apart might not be a bad thing at all.

\--

It had been a frosty breakfast that was for sure. After that argument it couldn’t be anything but. And although Steve had been pissed at Bucky at the time for starting this, he did understand, on a deep level, this time it was on him. Pretty much all of it actually. All he had to do was open his mouth and just admit the problem. But he was stubborn and couldn’t really admit it to himself yet, never mind Bucky.

Riding his bike to compound early, just to get out of the house he was thinking about it all. How, in spite of Bucky’s victory in court, and his remarkable improvement since, Steve felt things start to come apart for himself over the last month.

It had started that day, a week into going back to work with the Avengers, when he’d, well, snapped as Tony called it. Causing a minor mess as a result.

_So I guess you get to play with the Colonel’s old toy now Captain.._ he heard that voice say mockingly. _He told me he broke him in real good for you too.. he told me to tell you something else too.._

As if those words hadn’t been enough to push him. There was always more with these pricks.

But what was said next was in the red zone, creating a bloody mess as a result , and he still didn’t like thinking about it too much. But when he looked back at it, he knew it was started all this crap for him. What triggered this recent behavior that led to this morning’s confrontation. Because before that he was fine, at least he told himself he was. Had gotten through the trial and the testimony just fine, had supported Bucky as he seemed to gradually get better. But he realized he’d been triggered and ever since, he’d steadily gotten worse.

_“Lok Cap I can cover this as self-defense because quite honest no one’s gonna believe that piece of shit.” Tony had told him later, while Steve was rubbing his knuckles, which had been bruised. “But you need to get a handle on yourself next time we run into one of these pricks you got it?” _

He had. But knew it would be difficult to do. He’d been lucky Sam and Clint had been there or it would’ve been worse. Far worse. Steve just hadn’t realized how much anger was in him still over all this. It made him feel dangerous and unstable. It brought out the nightmares as well. Scary ones he could barely remember sometimes. What he did remember got stuck in his head and wouldn’t leave it.

_We’re not that much different Captain now are we? _That sinister voice had said.._ We both enjoy controlling him.._

He was in head he knew. Bucky had been right to be worried about that.

After that incident and the residual of the nightmares, he felt himself start pull back from Bucky physically. He just.. didn’t want to go rough and hard on him now. Couldn’t. Every time he thought about it those words will fill his head. And ugly images of his head had imagined that sadistic abuse to look like.

He covered it easily with just letting him be in charge of things. And that worked for a while, but he knew Bucky was getting suspicious. And this morning he’d brought it up again and Steve knew this was just the beginning of a major fight that might last a few days.. Especially if he kept stonewalling and not being honest. But he didn’t know how to tell him any of it. Was scared to. Worried that he’d cause a setback if he did.

“You don’t think he can handle it after all this?” His therapist had asked the other day, very pointedly too. “Maybe you should ask yourself who you’re actually protecting here?”

He had to admit it was on point. He did have a habit of trying to use Bucky’s mental health as an excuse. Same actually said the very same thing shortly after the incident as well.

“Don’t think Barnes would care for you using his feelings as a justification for lying.” He said pointedly as well. “In fact I’m sure he’d be pissed.”

And at the time he’d shrugged it off, thinking he knew Bucky better than that. “It’s too damn soon Sam.” He’d insisted in return. “He needs more time.”

“You really think he’s that fragile?” Sam asked very pointedly himself. “Because that sounds like an excuse to me.”

Truth was Steve didn’t really want to admit he was suffering in any way. Had always hated that. He supposed it stemmed from when he was a kid, and everyone always treated him as fragile and weak. He’d always felt this need to put a front up all the time as a result. He did not want to be treated differently. And the thing was, he knew Bucky knew this too. Bucky knew him better than anyone.

It’s why he called him on it earlier. This was irritating and comforting at the same time.

He still had a problem though. He was angry and pent up lately. And wasn’t sure he wanted to touch him when he was like that now. Because of those damn words he’d heard in his nightmares. His mind was making correlations that he rationally knew were false, but this stuff wasn’t rational at all.

Because he did like being rough with him. He wanted to possess and consume Bucky in that way. Just the way he looked at him sometimes with that haughty smile and those hooded blue eyes. He enjoyed when he made him beg for it. Was turned on by the way Bucky seemed to keen whenever Steve would use that commanding voice on him. He liked the control he knew. But lately all he could think of was how the Colonel had enjoyed that too. How he’d used the chain and the restraints on him and the way he’d hurt him. He could not get it out of his head, and it had tempered that desire to bend him to his will, and Bucky could see this clearly even if he didn’t know the reason why yet.

His therapist had tried to tell him the difference here, but Steve hadn’t really took it in. The doubt was still in his head now. His dreams were reflecting it. And all because that shithead had opened his mouth when he were cuffing him.

_He has a message for you.._

And as a result of meeting him he was also checking the mail, expecting a correspondence from that bastard even though they had been told he was in solitary 23 hours a day and had no mail privileges. Steve knew he still had minions out there to do his bidding though. To watch and bother them. He was sure of it. So he intercepted the mail every day if he could. And he watched everyone suspiciously who came near the house. Anyone who came near Bucky period.

It made him feel paranoid but he couldn’t help it. You couldn’t be too careful these day.

A car horn blasted him out of his thoughts, and he realized the light had turned green. He just waved at the car behind his bike and got going again. Blasting through Manhattan traffic to get on the GW and out of there to the compound.

It was a nice day out at least considering it was late June. Not too hot. At least not yet.

When he finally got to the compound, he was met by Nat, who filled him in on the days events. He found he was barely listening to her until she just finally reached over and pinched his arm. Hard too.

“Earth to Steve.” She said with her typical sass. “Time to wake up.”

He rubbed his arm where she’d pinched him. “Sorry.” He apologized. “That hurt.”

“Stop being a baby Rogers.,” She teased. “Rough morning?”

Steve nodded, looking over the information she’d given him. “You could say that yeah.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

It would’ve been nice. To just spill all this shit right out to a friendly ear. _I’m losing my damn mind now_ he felt himself wanting to say but didn’t. Didn’t want to involve anyone else in this mess right now. It was bad enough Tony, Clint and Sam were involved, he didn’t want to pull Natasha in as well. So he just shook his head.

“Nah I think I’d just rather concentrate on this right now.” He told her, giving her his best smile. “But thanks for asking.”

She gave him a soft look that was different from her typical one. “Well you’re welcome Rogers.” She told him, putting her hand on his arm. “But if you change your mind, we can go get a coffee and figure it out.”

“I may take you up on that eventually.” He said to her, relenting a little. “But right now, let’s just get this done.”

He tried to put it all out of his mind for a bit but was only somewhat successful. And did eventually decide to take her up on her offer. Because, quite simply, he could not concentrate today. He kept seeing Bucky’s face earlier. The plea in his voice to just.. talk to him.

It was going to be a long day. A long week if he couldn’t figure out how. So maybe a chat with a friend would help.

“Alright.” He said with a heavy sigh a few hours later. “Let’s go get that coffee.”

Excusing themselves they went out, Nat getting on the back of his bike, because she enjoyed that a lot and it was a nice after all. They went to a local place nearby and got lunch. As she was in the middle of eating her sandwich she decided to finally ask.

“So what happened?”

Steve sighted, putting his coffee down and decided to be honest. “I’ve been off lately, distracted and he called me on it.” He told her, watching her bright green eyes watch him. “Maybe it’s a little more than distracted I suppose.”

“Well considering everything it’s not exactly a surprise.” Nat observed, smoothing out her red hair over her shoulder. “What’s surprising is that you two haven’t talked about it.” She then corrected herself. “At least about your end of it that is.”

He wondered how much she knew. If Clint had mentioned anything. They were thick as thieves those two. Or if she was just taking a shot in the dark and hitting something. She was pretty perceptive in her own right. Her abilities weren’t the only thing deadly about her. Her eyes were probing him as if to decipher what exactly had gone down.

“I don’t know I guess I just keep telling myself that it’s for his own good.” He admitted. “That I don’t want to disrupt his recovery but.. it’s bullshit and I know it is.” He took another sip of his coffee and added. “I’m protecting myself like I always do.”

Nat pursed her lips and then flicked her yes up at him. “So why don’t you stop beating around the bush and tell me what’s going on with you?” She asked with a no bullshit tone. “So you can at least start being honest.”

Steve nodded, deciding maybe if he started talking about this it would help him sort it out. So he started to talk. “I think I’m losing my mind.” He confessed finally. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

\--

After his class, which he barely had enough concentration to pay attention to, he met Wanda for coffee at their favorite place. A place he’d been avoiding because of that incident when he first saw the Colonel. When he’d had that horrible flashback. Causing him to question his sanity for a few days.

He’d been reluctant to go back there, felt a little anxiety but reminded himself that that was the past and it was over. He wasn’t going to be afraid like that anymore. And he was glad he did because he did like the coffee here.

The girl who worked there then was still working there now, and was happy to see him. Even gave him a discount as well. “You didn’t have to do that doll.” He said to her with his best smile, knowing she had a crush on him. “But thanks.”

The smile she gave back as she melted a bit was cute. She was a nice girl. And had been that day too.

“Well Sarg you still got your old charm.” Wanda had mused as they sat down. “She just about melted into the floor.”

Bucky just did a little shrug. It was amazing how easy that came back. He had always been good at flirting. Even though his heart had belonged to Steve he was not immune to the self-confidence getting that kind of reaction gave him even now.

“It’s a gift.” He admitted with a hint of pride in himself.

They chatted for a while, and while Wanda sensed that he was off, a little distracted, she didn’t ask until they were just about done. “You okay today?”

“Steve and I had an.. argument this morning.” He admitted. “And at the time I was sure I was right but..”

“Now you’re not sure?” She finished for him, as if knowing exactly what he was going to say.

“I put him through a lot Wanda.” He said as he shook his ice coffee up a little. “I’m not sure I got a right to judge that’s all.”

“But you have a right to feel things.” She told him, reaching over and squeezing his hand. “You shouldn’t suppress that for anyone’s sake. Even Steve’s.”

He’d nodded, knowing she was right, but the doubt was still there. Until they resolved this it would be he knew. But for now, as usual, her presence helped. He didn’t have to give her any details for to understand his state of mind and he liked that a lot.

“Thanks for the coffee kid.” He told her, giving her a hug, something he was much more fond of doing these days. “See you at dinner later.”

“Of course.” She said over his shoulder, hugging back just as tight. “And take it easy on yourself alright?”

Bucky decided after they were done, he was going to take a ride outside the city. To get some fresh air and clear his own head. Because of those doubts he needed to think and sort it out on his own.

Amelia had said solitude could be good sometimes. Just to be by ourselves where we could hear ourselves think. So he’d started taking random rides on his bike when he had free time. And he had some today.

It was a nice day after all. Not humid yet.

It took him about an hour or so to clear the city and suburbs, to get into the open air. Taking the road they usually took to Clint’s farm. But he wasn’t heading there today. He was just looking for some random place to be alone. And with the helmet on and the speed of the bike, he was very anonymous as well. No prying eyes like he still got sometimes when he exited Brooklyn. Which seemed to be a safe zone, almost as if the Burrough was shielding them from publicity. When he got outside of it was when he noticed the attention. But nobody could tell it was him when he rode his bike like this.

There was just something about being out on the bike that relaxed his mind too. The scenery rushing by, the wind blowing his hair out the back of his helmet. The way he could lean over the handlebars and go full throttle on these country roads out here, kicking up dust and blowing the gunk out.

It was freeing. And he was grateful that Steve had gotten him this bike. That he’d given him that freedom. The freedom to come and go as he pleased.

After a while he found a spot, with a nice hill he could park the bike on, one that overlooked a farm and gave a good view of the mountains in the distance. He parked the bike and sat down in the grass, feeling the soft blades under his hands as he leaned back a bit and let his mind wander. It of course kept circling back to earlier.

To Steve’s angry eyes as he had rebuffed him. He had felt it was the right thing to do at the time, but he wasn’t sure now. Like he’d hinted at with Wanda, part of him felt like he’d been too harsh. Especially after everything Steve had gone through for him. After dealing with Bucky’s myriad of problems, who was he to judge how to handle it. He hadn’t exactly been a stellar, honest sufferer either.

And though maybe he was being selfish, wanting more from him now.

Also that stupid part of him, the irrational one that thought maybe Steve didn’t really want him that much anymore after knowing everything he did now. After he’d learned how Colonel and the others had abused him like that. It was stupid he knew. But it was easy to find something wrong with himself he supposed. Easy to take the blame. He knew the Soldier part of him felt that way, like he’d disappointed Steve in some fashion by letting himself be used like that.

_Steve is angry with us.._ he’d hear him say in his head. _What did we do wrong?_

“We tend to blame ourselves when things go wrong.” He’d remembered hearing in group once. “Even when it’s not our fault. It gets to be habit, and even when we think we’ve mastered it, it can creep back in and we have to learn to recognize it.”

Bucky knew he was doing it again. Assuming that Steve’s problems were his fault in some way.

The truth was, that deep down inside, he was convinced his worse fear had come true. That he should never have let him be there to hear all that. That the Colonel had gotten in Steve’s head and managed to drive a wedge between them. He could almost hear him laughing about that.

He just couldn’t help thinking it could be his fault, that he didn’t protect Steve enough from this.

_It’s not your fault James_ her heard Sarah Rogers voice in his head, from a long time ago. _Sometimes bad things just happen, and its not always because of what we did or didn’t do.._

She’d told him that that week he’d stayed at their house after his father had exploded on him. He had long since learned this habit of doubting and blaming himself had occurred long before Hydra had gotten a hold of him. He had blamed himself for agitating his father that night. For upsetting his parents like that, even though the cause had nothing to do with him. And Sarah had seen it even then and tried to curb it sooner rather than later.

He had remembered the last time he’d seen her. When she’d been so sick at that point you couldn’t get too close to her without a mask on. She’d wanted to see him too. Had told him he was good, and that she knew Steve would be safe and taken care of as long as he was around.

_“You know him James.” She told him, intermittently coughing. “He’ll try to be strong and not want you to help him, but he’ll need you.” _

He had promised to take care of him, even if Steve didn’t want him to. Even if he was stubborn damn punk. Because he’d loved Sarah as much as he loved his own mom and had been devasted by the loss as well. She had known about their relationship and secretly supported them and Bucky had felt like he’d lost an ally, maybe a guardian angel. But he had focused on Steve because she was his mother and that was more important to him.

He remembered how stubborn he’d been. How adamant that he was okay and handling it. Refusing to even take up the offer to live with him at first. Remembered the brave face he’d always put on in spite of the fact that Bucky knew he was in pain. How hard he’d had to push to just get him to admit it.

_“I told your Ma I’d look after you punk.” He’d said to him as they’d sat out on the fire escape one night. “And I meant it.” He put his arm around his still small body and hugged him to him. “It’s okay to cry for her you know. It’s your mom.”” _

_“If I do then she’s really gone Buck.” Steve had replied after a moment. “I don’t’ want her to be gone.” _

_“She’s not Steve.” Bucky had assured him. “As long as you remember her.” _

He needed his help now. Needed him to push him a little harder. No matter what the result. Because he’d made a promise. And because he loved him that much. After everything they’d been through with all his shit, he wasn’t about to let this happen too. Wasn’t about to let him slip away like that.

Bucky felt the wind ruffle through his hair, almost as if someone had touched it. Felt a strange sense of comfort as a result. Hearing the sounds of birds in the distance and a tractor as well. He may have been a city boy, but he’d been born in the country and supposed maybe there was a residue memory of that too. Of peace and quiet.

And his mind had been quiet these days. Allowing him to process things much easier as a result.

It had been amazing how telling his story in its entirety had done that. How unloading it had freed up all that space in his head. He wasn’t a fool in thinking he was cured. He knew he wasn’t, never would be, too damn much had happened to him for him to ever be normal and completely well-adjusted. But here he was, for once stable and not distracted by his own shit, and able to concentrate on helping the love of his life recover as well.

It felt good to be in that frame of mind again. That mother-hen protectiveness he’d always had for Steve. It made feel more like his true self again. Made him feel whole inside.

When he got up off the grass, he gave himself a moment to breathe in the fresh air, pulling it into his lungs, which were also healthy now, fully recovered from their own injury. He put his hand on that scar on his stomach, feeling the raised edges, a constant reminder just like the ones on his shoulder, that he had survived all of that.

Scars, he heard someone say once, where there to remind of where you’ve been. But they don’t have to dictate where you go. Not just physical scars either.

After a moment of just taking in the view again, he got on his bike and headed back to the city and Steve. There was conversation that still needed to be had after all, but he was better prepared now.

And he rode that bike as fast and as freely as he could, feeling that wind in his hair again,

\--

Getting home later that day, he felt the buildup and needed to work it out. On Bucky’s favorite target, the punching bag. Although to be honest Bucky had been a lot easier on it lately. Steve was the one abusing it these days.

He understand what Bucky meant by that ‘brun’ under his skin, because he was feeling it now.

The conversation with Nat had helped get some things off his chest. She was a good sounding board sometimes. A very observant person just by the nature of the work she did. She understood human nature very well.

“You need to find a way to clear the air Steve.” She’d told him. “There’s probably all this crap floating around between the two of you and it has a habit of hiding the things you need to see.”

It was an apt way of putting it he supposed. The tension had grown thicker with them over the last several weeks until you could cut with a knife. The fact that Bucky had finally just put his food down was an indication he’d been choking on it for a while.

“I’m not sure I know how to do that without causing some damage.” He told her. “That kind of blowout is never good.”

“Its not supposed to be.” She replied, her eyes piercing as if speaking from experience. “Storms are never pleasant but they are necessary to clear the bad air out.”

He knew there was one coming. And it would last a while if he didn’t let it rage out.

Now here he was, punching the hell of the punching bag the way Bucky did sometimes. Beating the shit out of it. Trying to get that aggression out on that first. Almost as if he was trying to beat the PTSD in him out. Short of denying it, it felt like the only safe option really. But he knew it might not be enough to contain this tornado.

He’d worked himself up pretty good, tearing up the bag himself, even though he didn’t have a metal hand to dig in, he was still making some good dents in it. And lost track of time, feeling the burn in muscles but continuing to go. He could go a long time after all.

“Wow you’re pulling a me now.” He heard Bucky’s voice from behind him. “I’m impressed.”

He turned and saw him standing there, looking absolutely delicious as usual. Wearing a pair of faded, well-fitting jeans and a form fitting Dodger’s t-shirt. Hair down but tucked behind his ears, looking windblown and sexy as hell. His dog tags hanging out, laying against his chest, reflecting the light. He had his arms crossed and an appreciative look in those teal-blue eyes of his.

Steve wanted to pull those clothes off and just devour him completely. But felt that hesitation as well. This was not an unusual thing lately.

And he wasn’t sure if Bucky was still mad at him or not. He was masking it rather well. So he was wary as they still stood a good 8 feet apart, the tension between them still very thick at this point.

“How long you been standing there jerk?” Steve asked instead, unwrapping his knuckles, using his teeth to pull a few off for Bucky’s benefit.

Bucky hooded his eyes in that ridiculously hot way. “Long enough.” He said, leaning back against the beam by the stairs. “Was kinda wishing you’d take out some of that aggression on me punk.”

Oh he wanted to. Seeing that almost daring look in his eyes that always drove him wild. Wanted to find the nearest flat surface and put him on it. To pound him until he couldn’t take it but still begged for more. To just fuck out all of this tension in him. He could barely control his feet as they walked over, and slid his arm slid around his waist. The other finding that luxurious brown hair and getting a good hold of it. Seeing that look in his eyes as he was pulled closer, their lips now inches apart.

“Are you sure you want that?” He asked in husky voice, pulling him against his over-heated body. “Cause it’s a lot of aggression.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes glint and a smile cross his lips. “I can handle anything you give me Stevie.”

Steve almost had to hide just how much those words turned him on, still being slightly wary at this moment. “I know you can.”

“You wanna kiss me don’t you” Bucky said in a musing way. “I can tell.”

Steve licked his lips as if to confirm this. “Yes I do.” He admitted. “Very much.”

“Then what’s stoppin’ you you punk?”

“I thought you might still be mad.” Steve offered, their lips barely an inch apart. “After earlier.”

“Didn’t say I wasn’t.” Bucky replied, keeping his arms at his side. “But whose to say a little… anger is bad thing?” His lips scraped Steve’s teasingly. “It can be very… productive.”

Those words were all he needed to crush their lips together. He could no sooner not do that than he could stop breathing. His other hand slid down into the pocket of those jeans and gripped his ass tightly through them, causing Bucky to moan as their tongues tangled deep in their throats. And those metal fingers gripped his neck, the fingers digging in his neck aggressively, which drove him crazy.

It had been so damn long since he’d really fucked him good. He’d been half-assing it lately.

His hand gripped Bucky’s ass tighter through his jeans and he was two seconds away from just lifting him up and slamming him down on the weight bench, yank those jeans off and take what was his to take. To release this tension by fucking him senseless.

But he heard that voice from his dream in head as well.. _we re not so different Captain.. you want to control him just like me.. to possess him.._

It caused him to pull back at that moment, putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. Who was looking at him with a confused, dazed look of someone who’d been kissed stupid and was trying to figure out what why it stopped.

“Steve?” He heard Bucky ask, almost from far away. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, trying to get it out of his head. “We can’t do this.” He pushed out, trying to find an excuse. Any excuse. “We gotta get ready for the dinner.”

“It’s not for a couple of hours Steve.” Bucky reminded him, holding his fingers in the waistband of Steve’s sweatpants. “We got plenty of time.”

He knew that too, but he insisted anyways. “We can’t right now, I still gotta shower and get dressed.”

Bucky looked at him, clarity coming back into his eyes again. Along with that some anger and something else as well. Worry and maybe even a hint of real pain as well. He knew what the underlying thought was, and it was the last thing he wanted him to think right now. That deep down idea there was something wrong with him. That Steve didn’t want him like that. The thought was so clear in his eyes it was like neon sign.

It couldn’t be further from the truth. He wanted him too damn much and that was the problem.

“No you got plenty of time for that.” Bucky said with some bitterness in his voice. “You just don’t want to.” He stepped back and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Or you just.. don’t want to fuck me like that.”

“No Buck no.” He said, feeling despairing that he would think that. “I always want you.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Bucky asked, pushing him back just a little. “Do I have to be the Soldier instead?” He shook his head at that. “That’s right, that didn’t work last time either did it? You just sat him on top and let him do all the fucking work. Cause that’s how it’s been lately.”

It had been true, he remembered that last time with the Soldier well. Even he’d questioned it mildly. Showing concern for Steve and a bit of worry about himself as well. It had been cute in a way, but he’d felt like an asshole then too. He’d been able to placate him a bit easier in that incarnation. The Soldier was much more pliable in that way. If a bit eager to please sometimes. Bucky on the other hand, not so much.

“Bucky.” He said to him, reaching out to touch his hair. “I..”

Bucky jerked away from him at that moment, and he could see the hurt and anger in his eyes as he did. He knew it was going to be a long night now if it kept going like this. He wasn’t going to let this go that was for damn sure.

“Save it.” Bucky seemed to hiss. “Whatever you say is bullshit right now.” He stepped further away. “Unless you’re willing to really talk about this you don’t get to goddamn touch me you got that?”

He whirled angrily and went up the stairs before Steve could even react to that statement. But he found he was hurt and a bit angry by it. Not a bit angry if he was being honest. A lot angry. A scary kind. Which caused him in turn to run up the stairs after him. And up the second flight of stairs because that’s where Bucky went. Upstairs.

To their room actually. And Steve felt a fire under his skin as he followed him there. Stopping the door as Bucky tried to slam it shut in his face. Almost knocking it off the hinges and he did. He stood there staring at him, feeling all kinds of things. Angry, hurt, and caught among other things.

“What the hell was that shit?” He growled at him, almost getting right in his face.

“You heard me punk.” Bucky answered, but not with that endearing tone but a snarky one. “I said you’re full of shit that’s what.”

Grabbing him hard he’d turned and almost slammed him into the door, getting right in his face. “I meant that shit about me not touching you?” He said in a low voice. “Is that the game we’re playing now?”

“Whatever works.” Bucky answered back, a low hiss in his own voice. “You don’t’ get to fucking tease me like that and then pull back anymore.” His eyes showed a fiery defiance but also a hint of desire as well at this show of force. “I’m done with that shit Stevie..” He leaned forward, his face right in his. “So either do it or leave me the fuck alone.”

Steve could feel it boiling over in him now, there had been so much pent up inside for a month now that he just knew he couldn’t hold it back much longer. Couldn’t contain it. And Bucky was literally daring him with his eyes now. Those teal beauties were glinting with it. And that urge to tame that defiance was too damn to ignore anymore.

He knew he was going to do it. And might hate himself after. But like Bucky had with the scratching, he needed relief too. “You can’t say not to touch you sweetheart.” He growled, pressing into him a little more. Causing a whine as he did. “Because I know you want me to.” He looked directly into his eyes. “You want me to do a lot more than that don’t you?”

“Yes.” Bucky seemed to purr from deep in his throat. “I want you to fuck me like you used to..” He grinded against Steve’s body a bit to emphasize this. “Let’s get this tension out of you punk…”

He let go of his arm and gripped his hair tightly and heard him whine again as he did. “Then ask nicely.” He growled to him. “Like a good boo bear…”

Bucky smiled, looking victorious, but also simultaneously like putty in his hands as well. “Fuck me… please..”

With those words Steve gave up all pretext of restraint and gripped Bucky’s ass with his other hand, practically throwing him over his shoulder caveman style. He then brought him to the bed and dropped him down on it. Not exactly gently either. Bucky lay there, that feral look in his eyes, his legs bent at the knees. Just looking totally turned on now. Climbing over him he took his lips fiercely as he roughly removed all clothing from his body, and his own as well.

Getting his hands and lips all over him, with no pretext of being gentle at all, sinking his teeth in a few places and getting scratched at bit. It was all fine by him really. They were both in that wild state now, biting and scratching. Letting the storm rage completely.

“Turn around. “ He growled after a few minutes of that, in a commanding voice. “And hold on sweetheart.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes darken, and heard him whine low in his throat at that, before completely obeying these commands. He gripped the headboard with both hands and let his legs slide apart for Steve. He was such a beautiful, wanton sight to Steve’s hungry eyes and he wasted little time giving him exactly what he wanted. In taking was freely given as his.

He would be sure to take care of him after. Right now, all he felt was a lust to be inside him, to fuck out all this pent up pain and anger. Knowing that Bucky wanted him to. Was here for him right now more than himself. And that idea jus fueled his desire.

So he grabbed his hips possessively and just plunged into him, giving in to it completely. Not sparing him a damn ting. He was beyond controlling it now.

\--

It was a hell of a fuck. A good punishing one. And there were no words to describe how much Bucky enjoyed it. It hadn’t been like this in a long time and he rejoiced in it. The control. The command in his voice. The possessiveness. He’d missed this so much.

Had been so turned on by the way Steve had just thrown him over his shoulder and then tossed him on the bed like a sack of potatoes. So effortlessly too, like he weighed nothing at all. His punk was all grown up, so strong and sexy as hell to him. He would let him do anything at that point. Anything at all.

When Steve went beast mode like this, Bucky was a very willing submissive and felt no shame at all about it. Completely surrendering himself to it.

Some might’ve thought it was unhealthy, considering his history, that he liked it like this. But he knew himself. Knew that it helped him actually. Because it was freeing give in like this to someone you trusted. And he trusted Steve. Always had.

“You’re… mine..” Steve growled in his ear as he pounded deep into him. “All mine..”

“Yes… Bucky agreed, pushing back with his own hips mindlessly. “Yours..”

His eyes rolled, his knuckles on his flesh hand were cramping and turning white he was gripping the headboard so hard, but he didn’t care. He felt nothing but the insane pleasure of his husband giving him absolutely everything he could give. And he knew on a deep, primal level, that he was doing this for Steve more than himself. That he needed to release this. And he was here for him. To let him use his body to get that pent-up tension out.

Bucky would do anything for his punk. Absolutely anything.

“You… want.. more?” Steve growled his hand in Bucky’s hair, pulling his head back a little just as it was about to fall forward. “Say.. it..”

“Yesss…” Bucky gasped, his eyes rolling so hard he swore he could see the inside of his head. “More.”

It went harder until he couldn’t think at all. Everything was just instinct at that point, pushing own body blindly back against Steve’s, greedy for it. Coming not once, but twice in succession as he was just plowed to the point of insanity. His whole body was just one big nerve and it was on fire. He was practically howling like a wild animal by the end and was sure the neighbors could hear him, but he was beyond caring about that.

After coming for the second time he was pulled back off the headboard against Steve’s back, feeling himself greying out as Steve gave him a few more hard, deep pumps and finally came too, his whole body quaking against Bucky’s, causing another wave of pleasure to go through his already wracked body. And then he felt nothing but sweet numbness below the waist and that calmness in his head.

He could’ve been paralyzed for all he cared. And he didn’t. Not in the slightest.

Right before he passed out finally, he felt Steve’s hand on his head, the other one around his waist, holding him like that and he just sighed deeply and sank into the depths of that sweet soft place in his head. He stayed there for a little bit, floating beautifully, knowing he was safe to do so.

When he woke, he was laying on his side, Steve’s arms around him from behind. He could feel him still shaking a little, his face buried in his hair. His back pressed into Steve’s front in a perfect fit. He couldn’t move, his body just exhausted, but even if he could move, he wouldn’t want to yet. It was perfect.

But he could feel Steve shaking a bit against him just the same, feel his face nuzzle his neck and shoulder like he was seeking comfort. “Are you okay?” He asked him, feeling concern come through his post-coital haze. “Steve?”

Steve didn’t answer at first, just held him tighter. “Did I hurt you?”

Bucky was confused at first by the question. It had been a long time since Steve had asked something like that. And while yes, he was plenty sore, would probably not be able to walk right tonight, it was a pleasant soreness he actually liked, and would get over. But he had a feeling that Steve meant in other ways.

“No Steve.” He told him, wrapping his metal arm around the arm around his waist. “You never hurt me.” He decided to try again, while Steve was a bit more open now. “Why would you think you did?”

Steve didn’t answer right away and that gave Bucky time to think about why he would. He’d seemed okay at first after learning all those details of his abuse, but all of a sudden he started doubting himself and Bucky knew there had be a catalyst, something that pulled that old doubt from deep inside and made him think that he would hurt him if he was too rough. But unless Steve was willing to confess what this was, it would only be speculation.

“It’s just.. sometimes I can’t stop.” She finally answered, his voice muffled by Bucky’s hair. “Sometimes I want you so bad.. that I could really hurt you..” He could hear the pain in his voice. “It scares me.” He gripped him tighter from behind at this. “That I could be like him.”

It was devastating to Bucky to think Steve actually believed he could be like that bastard. That he would ever do anything like what that man did to him. It was so upsetting, so much so that Bucky turned around in his arms and faced him, putting his hands on his face and pressing his own against it.

“Listen to me you are not like him.” He told him adamantly, holding his eyes with his own. “He liked hurting me. Liked causing pain.” He squeezed his eyes shut and held his face firmly against his. “He was a sadist Steve that’s not what you are.”

He had recalled in therapy that the man had basically told him once, after he’d gotten done with him, that he’d enjoyed watched what they’d done to him in the torture room. He’d watched it all and gotten off on it. Amelia had explained to him what a sadist was at that point, someone who got pleasure in inflicting pain on others. This was fine if it was mutual thing, consensual BDSM, but this kind of behavior was psychopathic in nature, his tormentor enjoyed it more when his victim was unwilling. They liked the power and control they had over their victim’s misery and pain, getting gratification from it. It had been important for him to know this distinction himself, so he understood his and Steve’s prediction toward a dominant/submissive dynamic, whatever way it went, was very different from this. But he’d had a hard time making Steve understand this sometimes.

“I like to control you Buck.” Steve continued to lament. “How is that different.”

“Because I like when you do.” He said with a soft smile. “And you don’t like hurting me Steve.” He continued to explain to him, hoping maybe he could finally get this through. “In fact you always take care of me and that’s the opposite of him.”

“I feel so possessive of you sometimes.” Steve confessed to him, his hand running over Bucky’s hip in sweet way. “Like I’d kill anyone who touched you.” That hand then slid over his ass gently and sort of cupped it softly. “He did.. he hurt you.. and I still want to kill him for that.” Bucky could hear that protective growl in his voice, the one that gave him shivers. “I still think about it, about all the ways I would do it if I could.. and I can’t get it out of my head lately.”

It might have been as close as he was going to get to telling him what had caused this abrupt doubt in him. This episode of PTSD that Steve was clearly not ready to acknowledge or deal with. And the darkness in his eyes upon admitting that he still fantasied about killing the Colonel alternately frightened him with its intensity and darkness, but also made him very protected as well. And all he wanted to do right now was help him and take care of him now.

Right now Steve seemed to want to take care of him too in other ways. Bucky could feel that hand sort of guide him onto his stomach so he could. Felt his fingers skimming over his now very sore rim and stroking it gently, as he rested his chin on Bucky’s back.

“But it’s not just that he did that you either.” Steve continued as his fingers slowly made their way inside, causing Bucky to moan softly. “It’s that you were mine and he tried to take that from me.”

Bucky’s eyes were fluttering, moans going through him as he listened to this. Hearing that possessiveness come through again. In that word.. _Mine_. It was almost like a strange jealousy. One that lit him up from the inside thinking about it. That Steve wanted to kill him because he’d dared to lay a hand on him. What might’ve been scary to some wasn’t to him. It made him feel safe and loved like it always had. But it didn’t mean he wasn’t worried about Steve’s state of mind as well. The darkness he sensed creeping into what he considered to be his sunshine.

“He never had me like you Steve.” He breathed, his head turning into the pillow. “No one ever has… or will.”

He gasped, turning his head fully into the pillow when Steve replaced his fingers with his lips and tongue, sweetly taking care of him now like he always did. Proving his point that he was nothing like that other one.

“I’d kill them all for you Buck.” Steve said in the middle of this, his voice dark but firm. “Every single one that ever touched you.” His voice made a vibration against his skin that made him shiver. “I would..”

He knew he did, he felt it in his soul. And as scary as that statement might’ve been, Bucky felt that love for him, that powerful one, and vowed he was going to protect him from any darkness that tried to steal his light away. 

“I know you would punk..” He breathed, losing himself in this feeling. “I know..”

Steve growled softly against him and plunged into pleasuring him. “Mine..” He murmured and Bucky lost all thought for a while at that.

\--

Steve took a lot of time with his face buried there, using his hands, his lips, his tongue to consume what was his. He held Bucky’s hips tightly in his hands, devouring him hungrily, possessively. Wanting to make up for the brutal way he’d used his body earlier.

He could feel Bucky’s metal fingers in his hair, his arm bent around his own back to do so. Hear him moan thickly in his throat and it just drove him further, lifting him slightly off the bed, as he did wrapping his arms around his thighs to open him up and get at him more. To get deeper if he could.

This was another thing he’d been neglectful of lately too he’d realized. But not tonight. Not anymore.

He worked him good until he made him cum again, then finally released him. Sliding up beside him, he saw Bucky’s face buried in the pillow, and laid his head on his shoulder blade, letting his hand trail over his back and hip languidly. Just taking in the moment as he felt the residual shivers going through him.

He felt a lot more relaxed now himself. Very open, very raw. Wanting to confess everything but he wasn’t they had the time now. But he would. If Bucky asked later he would. He’d come clean about all of it. He was already partway there as it was.

“What time is it?” Bucky asked breathlessly, finally turning his head to look at Steve. “Cause we.. have to go.. soon.”

Steve looked at the clock, it was about 6 in the afternoon. They had to be there by 7:30. He wished they didn’t have to. That they could stay and talk but they had to be there. He was, after all, the best man and all so he had to be at the rehearsal dinner.

“It’s almost time to get up.” Steve told him, nuzzling his back. “But not yet.” He lifted his hand then and touched Bucky’s hair, brushing it back from his face. “Are you still mad?”

Bucky actually chuckled at that, burying his face back in the pillow as he did. “After all that?” He asked incredulously, his voice muffled by the pillow. “I’m lucky I can remember my own name much less be pissed about anything.” He then turned his head, along with the rest of his body and laid on his side. “How are you feeling?”

It was a good question and there was still a part of him that was afraid to answer at this point, in spite of the other part of him wanting to confess it all. He felt very raw and vulnerable. Very exposed after what he’d told him just a little while ago. It made him wonder how he was going to be the rest of the night. Or at dinner tonight. May need a few drinks he thought.

“I don’t know.” Steve answered honestly, pulling Bucky’s body against his. “I just know I love you. It’s the only thing I’m sure of right now.”

They laid there for a little while like that, not talking much more. Bucky didn’t push anything and Steve was happy for that. They really didn’t have time anyways. So he just gave himself a moment to breathe and hold his husband in his arms, faces pressed together as they finally caught their breath.

When they finally got up and got ready, getting into more formal dress than they usually did, they were still making some good time. Bucky had on a dark blue dress shirt and a light jacket over it and he looked stunning per usual, but then again Steve though he always looked stunning. He smiled a radiant smile and walked over, sort of hobbling just a little as he did Steve noticed, likely still a bit sore. And adjusted Steve’s jacket and tie. It wasn’t the same one he’d wear for the wedding, that one was in the closet, but he still dressed up the same.

“You’re still clueless when it comes to ties punk.” Bucky lamented as he fixed it.

“It’s a good thing I have you then jerk.” He told him, watching him work on it. “For a lot of things.”

Bucky smiled at him, his hair pulled back from his face in a soft bun, little tendrils of hair hanging down framing those eyes of his. Steve had never seen anyone who had that same shade of blue Bucky had. Those ocean blue pools you could get lost in very quickly and happily.

“You sure you’re alright?” Bucky asked, flicking said eyes up to Steve’s face as if searching it.

“Right now yeah I’m sure.” Steve told him, his fingers unable to not brush one of those brown strands out of his eyes. “As long as your with me.”

Bucky smiled and lifted his hands, putting them on Steve’s face and kissing him softly before pulling back. “I’m always gonna be here punk.” He told him, his eyes soft. “Someone has to look after your dumb ass and it might as well be me right?”

It had always been him. That was the one thing Steve had always counted on. It had been difficult without him around to kick his ass when he did something stupid. Which he did a lot of. He’d know he’d done a lot of good things too, had helped a lot of people. Saved many lives. But he rarely stopped to think of himself and Bucky knew that. Even when Steve was taking care of him, Bucky had constantly tried to look after him too. It was just his nature.

And now he was strong enough to look after his punk again, was insisting on it. And Steve knew he owed him some real honesty later. And promised himself he would be. That he would let Bucky take care of him again. Because he knew he needed it.

He saw Bucky sort of fix the lapels on his jacket and rest his hands on them. “I think you’re presentable now punk.” He declared, smiling at him. “Although to be honest I prefer your other suit.”

“You mean the one in the closet?” Steve asked curiously, knowing what he meant but wanting to hear him say it. “Cause you’ll see me in Saturday..”

Bucky’s eyes glinted a bit at that, and he leaned closer to him. “No.. your _other _suit…” He whispered, his lips skating over Steve’s playfully. “That hot little navy number you wear at work sometimes..”

He had that one too. He had all his suits actually. Bucky loved that one in particular, saying it left nothing to the imagination so to speak. He fondly remembered wearing it on Bucky’s birthday this year, with wonderful results. And seeing that glint in Bucky’s eyes he knew he was thinking of that too.

“Oh yeah..” He said wistfully wrapping an arm around Bucky’s waist to pull him closer. “That one.” His lips skirted Bucky’s playfully. “That one’s in there too..”

Soon they were kissing again, and not chastely either. The type that would’ve led somewhere had they had the time to continue. Especially with the intoxicating scent of what they’d been up still lingering in the room even now. He let his hand rest lightly on Bucky’s ass as he did, rubbing it as their tongues tangled together, causing a soft moan from Bucky as a result. Knowing he was still a bit sore there and seeing him walk around could be an interesting distraction.

“We gotta get going..” Bucky murmured against his lips, reluctantly pulling away. “It’s getting late.”

Steve stepped back, taking his metal hand, feeling that wedding ring on it as he did. “Then let’s go jerk.” He told him. “Because staying here is.. tempting fate.”

“Yeah but…” Bucky said and yanked him back to him to again. “I just wanna do this one more time punk.”

Another searing kiss was planted on his lips, the fingers of metal hand looped around Steve’s loosely as he did. And Steve had no problem letting himself enjoy this one too, letting his other hand softly grip that loose bun as he did, as to not wreck it too much.

He would never turn down a kiss. Even if it made them late. Because every one was precious to him.

\--

Bucky kept an eye on Steve throughout the night, feeling over-protective of him today. But saw him start to relax and have a little fun as they rehearsed the wedding reception details.

He had no idea there was this much preparation in a traditional wedding. His and Steve’s had been informal because, at the time, he didn’t want a big hoopla about it. Just wanted to get it done and make it official. And he had no regrets about that at all. It had been perfect in his mind. Outside among the foliage at the lake, marrying the love of his life in front of their friends, it couldn’t have been any better in his mind.

Hell they even had a cat as a flower girl. He couldn’t buy a better wedding than that.

But he did have a feeling Sam and Pam’s was going to be pretty damn awesome too. And speaking of Pam, she pulled him aside at one point to check on him. It seemed like even during her own wedding rehearsal, she was still concerned with her patients.

“I meant to ask you how you’re doing?” She asked, her hand on his arm. “Any issues lately?”

Bucky shook his head and smiled, half expecting her to pull a stethoscope out of her purse to check his heartrate. “Not really.” He answered, not even having to fudge this at all it was the truth. “I’ve been good lately, just taking it day by day.”

“Well that’s good.” She told him and gave him a knowing smile. “But if you’re lying I’ll find out at our next appointment just remember that.”

“Yeah yeah.” He answered, chuckling and looked over at Steve and Sam, yucking it up with the others. “So you’re really gonna marry that idiot huh? You’re a saint.”

She laughed at that, knowing it was just teasing. Bucky may throw barbs at Sam, but he was a friend. A good one. Who’d reached a hand out to help when Bucky needed it the most. Hooked him up with two very good doctors who’d done wonders for him. He was family. And soon Pam would be officially too.

“You flirting with my future wife Barnes?” Sam asked as he walked over as Pam had to excuse herself for something.

“Why Wilson, you jealous?” Bucky asked and then gave him a knowing grin. “But I mean she has seen me naked so I get it.”

Sam got a pinched look on his face. “That’s an image I could’ve lived without.”

Bucky thought for a moment, knowing Sam was with Steve on a few missions, wondering if maybe he had some insight that could help open the door a bit more tonight. He didn’t want to pry too much. To dig for too much information, wanted Steve to be the one to tell him. But was hoping Sam knew a little something.

“Seriously though can I talk to you?” He asked, looking over at Steve for a moment, who was busy with Tony and Nat at the moment. Getting his drink on by the look of it. “It’s important.”

Sam seemed to get the seriousness in his voice, and they stepped aside. “Sure what’s goiin’ on?” He asked. “You alright?”

“I’m good.” Bucky replied, looking over at Steve again briefly. “It’s Steve.. he’s been off lately and.. I just wanna know if anything happened that’s all.” He leaned against the wall and looked around before continuing. “I mean you don’t have to tell me details I just.. I’m at a loss here.”

Sam seemed to get a look on his face as if he knew exactly what Bucky was talking about. He pulled him a little more aside and spoke quietly. “Ask him about the UK trip last month.” He said quietly, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear. “Trust me, you need to get him to talk about that cause you’re right to be worried about him.”

Bucky remembered that that had been the first time they’d been apart for any length of time in at least 7 months. Steve had been asked to help out in the field a bit and Bucky had been fine with that idea. He was glad actually that he wanted to go back to work again on a more hands on level. And it had given him some alone time after the ordeal of the trial. It had gone well too. Better than the last time and his mini breakdown. But he’d also remembered that Steve had started acting funny after that. It was starting to make sense. And the look on Sam’s face indicated this was something had definitely gone down.

“I’m not surprised he didn’t tell you about it.” Sam continued, “Damn guy thinks he can handle everything on his own. Like he’s bullet proof or something.”

Bucky shook his head. “Been dealing with this since the day I met him.” He told Sam with a heavy sigh. “My cross to bear.”

He saw Pam waving for Sam for something and knew he had to go. “Well good luck.” He said to Bucky. “And if I don’t see you the rest of the night, I’ll see you Saturday.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Bucky told him. “Not every day my doctor marries a Falcon.” He saw him roll his eyes and then called out. “Sam?” He saw him turn around. “Thanks.”

“Not a problem.” He answered, saluting him. “You take care of that idiot of yours. We need him.”

It wasn’t long after that Steve found him at the buffet table. He was aware of his presence over his shoulder before he said anything too. “You know I can feel you breathing on my neck punk.” He told him without even looking back. “It’s kinda creepy.”

“You know you like it jerk.” Steve said into his ear, sliding an arm around his waist. “Don’t pretend you don’t.”

Bucky smiled a little, putting some food on his plate because he was starving. “Well we are in public, one of has to have some decorum.”

“I can’t help it if I can’t keep my hands off you.” Steve told him, not so discreetly nuzzling his neck. “Especially when you look this good.”

“Glad to see you’re in a better mood.” Bucky told him, smiling even more now in spite of what he’d just learned. “You been drinking?”

“Maaaybe.” Steve answered, hugging him a little tighter. “But you know I can’t get drunk so it’s just for fun.” 

Bucky turned around in his arms, holding the plate out in his hand as he did it and saw that, at least for the moment, Steve looked like he was holding up just fine. It made him question whether he wanted to ask about the UK tonight. To let him off the hook and just continue have a good night. But he knew he had to. Because if he did it tonight, he would keep doing it and never get an answer. And Steve wouldn’t get any better.

“Good for you.” He said with a little mirth in his voice, hiding his thoughts as he popped a chip in his mouth. “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. “ He gave him a little kiss on the nose. “You deserve it.”

“So do you.” Steve told him with seriousness now. “You should let yourself have a drink Buck it’s okay.”

Bucky shook his head. “I told you I don’t want to.” He reminded him. “Because I never stop at just one. And Pam would be pissed at me considering I’m on medication and all.”

He had been adamant about this and considering the conversation they were going to have later he was glad he was. This was a situation in which he might’ve had drank before, just to calm his nerves. He knew wasn’t an alcoholic, but he definitely could be a problem drinker sometimes. And the truth was, he felt a lot better not doing it.

“Besides punk.” He opined, feeding him some chips as they stood there. “It’s much more fun to watch others get drunk and act stupid.” He pointed at Tony and Sam. “Case in point.”

“As long as you’re having a good time too jerk.” Steve observed, playfully taking the chip out of Bucky’s metal hand with his teeth. “That’s all I care about.”

Damn he was so adorable he could kiss him right there. But like the drinking sometimes that didn’t stop there. So he kept feeding him chips, entertaining himself with how quick he could get his metal fingers away from Steve’s quick teeth. It was a fun game he had to admit. Even if Steve caught his finger, which he occasionally did, it didn’t hurt. And it took his mind off what he’d have to ask later.

It felt great to be normal. Or what passed for it in their case.

When it was time to go home later, Bucky took Steve’s keys. He might not have been able to get drunk, but he definitely could get silly and not pay attention to the road as stringently as he normally did. It was a fun little exchange he had to admit. Especially after he distracted Steve long enough to get his keys.

“Bucky I’m not drunk.” Steve told him adamantly, which was true. “I’m fine to drive.”

“Yeah I know punk but you get tipsy you paw at me in the car..” He reminded him, as he held the keys he’d stolen out of Steve’s pocket away from him. “And we almost hit a cement truck once because you weren’t looking.”

Steve sort of grinned that stupid grin at that memory. “At least we nearly died together jerk.”

“True..” Bucky replied with chuckle of his own. “But think of Arya okay? She needs her parents.”

Steve leaned over him and kissed his nose playfully right in front of everyone. “Okay you win boo bear.” He said with a cutesy voice. “You can drive.”

Bucky shook his head, looking around a bit chagrined. “Dammit punk I told you not to call me that in public remember?”

When they were in the car later, Steve was still being cute and goofy in the passenger seat picking up his hand every so often and kissing it. And Bucky was starting to consider whether he should just give him the night and ask him the next day. Not to ruin the mood or anything. But he also knew that if he kept putting it off he would never ask. Steve did have a charm about him, and Bucky would not be surprised if he was being cute on purpose to throw him off.

“Did I tell you how hot you look tonight?” Steve asked after a bit, grinning at Bucky over the tips of his fingers. “Cause I mean damn..”

Bucky kept his eyes on the road as he answered that. “Yeah about 100 times.” He said, letting a smile creep onto his face a bit. “Glad I’m aesthetically pleasing to you punk.”

“You always are.” Steve proclaimed, still holding that hand and now spinning the bracelet around on it. “I’m a lucky guy let me tell ya.” He then held the whole hand to his lips, kissing the back of it. “Every girl in the neighborhood was after you ya know?”

“I know.” Bucky replied as he turned onto their street. “But I only had eyes for you punk.”

He had certainly enjoyed the attention then, but once he’d figured out where his heart was it didn’t matter. And when he’d had the courage to act on it, he never looked back. He never regretted the decision either. Not even in the hardest of times. He could not imagine his life without Steve now.

“I’m sorry about how I’ve been lately.” Steve suddenly, which got his attention as they approached their house. “I know I gotta make that up to you.”

Bucky pulled the car into the garage, closing the garage door and parking before turning to him. He wasn’t sure what to say at this point. Steve was just looking at him with those eyes, those puppy dog blue ones he’d fallen for all those years ago. He would forgive him anything he knew, except maybe for hurting himself. He reached back over with his right hand as they sat in the car, in the garage, a little longer and squeezed it.

“You can start by being honest with me.” Bucky told him, staring into his eyes. “When I ask you what’s wrong..” He then unbuckled his seatbelt and wrapped his arm around his head. “No more bullshit okay?” He kissed his head just under his hair and smiled. “Leave that to me, I’m better at it.”

Steve nodded against his shoulder, wrapping his own arm around him as well. “I’ll try Buck.” He replied, pressing his face into Bucky’s shoulder. “I promise.”

It was good enough for him right now. He wasn’t going to ask right away. He wanted a little longer to just.. be with him as if nothing was wrong. The day had started out so shitty and it was ending better. But he knew he would ask and wasn’t sure where it was going to go after that.

So he made the decision to extend that deadline just a little longer. “How about we fire up the record player when we get inside?” He suggested, pulling back to look at him. “Have a dance or two.” He smiled, rubbing their faces together. “I like when we do that.”

He’d found Steve this vintage style record player from the 30’s while doing a search for a birthday present. The one he’d gotten him looked remarkably like the one Sarah had had in her home. One that Steve had inherited from her and they had in their first apartment. One of the few luxuries they could afford then. It was a favorite of theirs now, because while the modern digital music was fine, there was something very basic and nostalgic for them to hear the scratchy sound of a record on the Victrola. It gave them a sense of place. Of home.

“I like that idea jerk.” Steve agreed as they parted to get out of the car. “Let’s do that.”

It wasn’t long after they got inside that they were playing records and dancing to them. And Bucky let himself enjoy that for a little bit. Reminding him of a time when they were younger and things were a bit less complicated. When the world was just them and everything was ahead of them.

He let himself live in that just a little longer, swaying in Steve’s arms for a little bit, letting the music carry him away again.

\--

The record player had that scratchy sound and for a moment Steve could almost imagine them dancing in their old place. He used to stand on Bucky’s feet when they did, and let him lead, but now they moved together in sync as usual, Bucky’s metal arm around his back, his flesh one in Steve’s hand holding out in the traditional way.

The song played around them softly as they swayed together. And it seemed appropriate today.

_“When the night has come.. and the land is dark.._

_And the moon is the only light we see.._

_I won’t be afraid.. no I won’t be afrai.. _

_Just as long as you stand.. stand by me..” _

He hadn’t been around when this song came out, but he loved it just the same. Could feel in the middle of it, Bucky lean up to kiss him softly, not even missing a step as he did. His metal hand found Steve’s hair and just seemed to hold his lips like that for an extended moment. It felt like the sweetest kiss ever, reminding him of their first one ever. On the roof with the fireworks bursting overhead. And at that moment Steve felt almost like he didn’t deserved it. After being as dishonest as he’d been for so long, Bucky should still be pissed at him. Had a damn right to be.

It was clear that he wasn’t. Just worried. And maybe that was worse. After everything Bucky had been through, the last thing Steve wanted to be was a source of stress for him.

He pulled back and lifted his own hand, brushing that errant strand of hair off his face as he did. “You know you got a right to be mad at me right?” He asked him, still swaying as the next song on the record came on. “I haven’t been honest with you lately after all.”

“Well I was..” Bucky mused, staring into his eyes with a soft look. “But I thought about all the things you’ve forgiven me for over the years too.” He bit his lower lip in that cute way, his metal fingers playing on Steve’s neck to the rhythm of the music. “I have put you thorough a lot punk so I’m in no position to hold a grudge.”

He hated when Bucky took things like this onto himself. As if Steve’s dishonesty lately was his fault or something. Steve knew Sam had been right in the sense that he was using Bucky’s mental health as an excuse for lying to him. For not letting him help him when part of him knew he needed it. And he could tell that Bucky now was questioning whether his own actions and problems caused any of this. Steve knew it was on him now. He had to take responsibility for himself here.

“No Buck you should be mad.” Steve told him, letting his hand rest on his face. “I’ve been holding out on you for a while now, and you didn’t deserve that.” He pulled his head to his lips and kissed it softly. “You deserve the same honesty that I asked of you all this time so don’t let me off the hook so easily alright?”

He felt those metal fingers on his neck sort of flex, not painfully, but in a way that was sort of pleasant, comforting. Bucky pressed his face into Steve’s and stilled the sway for a moment. “I have to.” He whispered to him, their entwined hands going down to their side and hanging there. “You’re the only good thing I’ve done in my life.” He closed his eyes and turned his head slightly so their lips were nearly touching. “I know it sounds corny but.. you’re my damn sunshine punk. I don’t wanna.. lose that.”

Just hearing those words just made him feel worse. Like he’d almost taken that light away from him. He knew Bucky was strong. Very strong. To survive everything he had, coming through all that darkness, it hadn’t occurred to Steve on a real level that he himself was the light he’d needed to find his way out of it. And that maybe Bucky was worried that light would go out and leave him in the dark again. To be everything like that for someone was scary as hell. He knew because Bucky had been his everything. And the idea that he’d almost been taken away several times was part of what had caused all this in his own head lately.

This time when he kissed him it was more intense, more desperate than before. His hand sunk into that loose bun Bucky had in his hair, pulling him closer, feeling him whine softly against his lips as he was held tighter against him, Bucky’s feet practically lifted off the off ground as he did, his hands, one metal, on flesh wrapped around the back of his neck.

“I love you Buck.” He breathed against his lips. “I’m so sorry I.. I worried you.”

“I know Steve..” Bucky whispered in return, his lips scraping softly on Steve’s. “I know.”

He knew he had to come clean. It wasn’t fair to him otherwise. To just tell him the truth about what he’d done and what terrified him too. Bucky had ripped out so much of himself over the last several years. Even more of the last few months. Revealing horrible trauma that would’ve crippled anyone else. Had shown so much strength and courage in the process that made Steve feel weak for not doing the same. For not letting him help him too.

“Somethings wrong with me Buck.” Steve admitted to him, his hand still holding his hair gently. “I’m all messed up inside and I.. I don’t know how to fix it.” He felt his voice break a little as he talked. “Help me fix it.”

Bucky’s hands slid down to his face and he held it is his hands firmly. “Tell me what happened Steve.” He answered, looking it his eyes. “Tell me what happened in the UK?”

Steve didn’t even question how Buck knew to even ask that. It didn’t matter really. He most likely put two and two together just by the facts he already had. Steve remembered it again. That moment he’d lost control of himself and nearly wrecked everything he’d built. Remembered being so angry and then terrified of that anger.

Hearing the Colonel’s voice in his head, even if was a dream voice.. _You and I aren’t much different Captain.._

“I lost my temper.” He confessed, looking back into his eyes steadily. “And I almost killed someone.” He leaned his head against Bucky’s, holding his hair a little tighter. “I was so angry Buck.. I still am and I’m scared..”

“Tell me about it Steve.” Bucky said softly, his hands holding his face to his. “Let me help you.”

He took a deep shuddering breath, letting Bucky’s presence steady him now. Just like knew Bucky had down with him too. Wanting to share the pain with him too. The fear he had now that he’d let that dangerous anger out. About the nightmares, the paranoia. About why he’d held back from him.

But he didn’t want to do it here. He needed air. The night air. “Let’s go outside.” He said softly, standing back and taking Bucky’s hands. “And I’ll tell you everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a tiny bit shorter than the others by a few pages but it didn't feel like that lol but anyways. 
> 
> As can be seen clearly, the situation has sort reversed itself in some ways, Bucky is on the mend in big way, but Steve is the one having some problems re-adjusting now. A lot of times you'll find that like with physical wounds, we don't often notice how much they hurt until we stop moving for a little bit. Once things get calm that's when start to feel it, and its happened with Bucky and it's now happening with Steve. He's got his own brand of PTSD he has left largely undealt with and its showing up now. Fortunately he has Bucky, who is very familiar with it, recognizes it and will call him on it when he needs to. 
> 
> In an odd way I do enjoy writing fights because I think every couple needs to have them to sort of 'clear the bad air out' as Nat said to Steve. And in this case Bucky basically starts one to do just that. It was important to put his foot and confront what Steve wasn't really dealing with, sort of the same way Steve did with him many times. And it's funny because the fight in the chapter reminded me a bit of the one in Chapter 21 of the previous book, with almost the same result hehe. The difference in that one was that Bucky was the one being the 'asshole' in that sense. In this case it's Steve reluctance to address the problem that causes it. 
> 
> There was, and will be more conversation about the differences between the horrific abuse Bucky suffered and his and Steve's engagement in a dominant/submissive dynamic a lot. It's something that Bucky understands more now, but Steve is still struggling with in light of what he now knows happened to Bucky.   
You could where he might question it, and even hold back quite a bit after learning all that, and finally letting it sink in. So I thought its an interesting subject on the differences there, and Bucky will continue to hammer that difference home to Steve. Because there is a very big one here that should be obvious to most except the hard-headed Mr. Rogers here. 
> 
> I like the bringing in of other elements, such a cameo by Natasha and the continuing influence of Sarah Rogers on not just her son but Bucky as well. The memory he had of talking to Steve after she died is example of Steve's sort of, unwillingness to deal with his feelings sometimes, but also showed Bucky sort of coming back even more to his true self, the one where its hard-wired in his DNA to protect Steve. 
> 
> The Victrola Bucky got for Steve those actually exist, there are vintage 30's style record players that are still being sold out there and the model I looked up and picture is something I could see Sarah Rogers having in her home and passing it on her son. There is something different about listening to records on an old record player, and I'm old enough to remember listening to them. Digital music can sound a bit soulless and anti-septic, especially if you grew up listening to records so I liked adding that little touch to this chapter. As a cute, goofy, tipsy Steve which was fun as well. 
> 
> As far as what happened in the UK well that will be explained in more detail in the next chapter (as can see by the ending lol) and we'll get some good communicating going on as well. And of course Sam's wedding will be fun as well of course. And there might some interesting additions in it as well, I won't say for certain yet because you know me, my writing is very organic like that, I can't predict where it goes sometimes. I will say certain things, like the Colonel's final fate, the appearance of a few Easter Egg objects, some request fuffilment (yeah baby) the Soldier and of course Steve's birthday are all things to look forward to in coming chapters. I don't know how much longer this fic will be, i'll have a better idea soon :)
> 
> And as always, thank for the lovely reviews, any new readers and commenters welcome, feel free to leave a comment, a question or even a request for something added because my muse always needs feeding. But to close <3<3<3<3 and *hugs* to all of you and hope you're doing well :)


	28. Guardian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumbr per usual :)

The fire escape was one of the features of their house that Bucky loved the most. It didn’t come standard with houses in general, was a staple of tenement buildings, like the ones that he and Steve had grown up in. It allowed a means of escape during a fire, hence its name, and access to the roof, which had been great for city boys in a time when air conditioning was no available to average people.

Steve had one made for their house, and along with their camp space on the roof, it gave their relatively modern home and old school touch that they both loved very much. Mixing old-fashioned nostalgia with modern amenities.

A touch of the old, and of the new. A lot like the occupants that lived there.

They were sitting on that fire escape now, out in the fresh air, and it reminded Bucky of some of the old talks they used to have out on them in their old building. Just climbing out the window, having a smoke, and just getting some things out. Minus the smoking, it was very similar indeed.

Steve for his part, was sitting with his back against the railing, which looked out to the alley behind their house. Bucky had a memory of jumping off of this once a few years ago. Attempting to run away from something that was only in his head. He had learned the hard way you couldn’t outrun that shit. It always caught you. Now Steve was sitting there, looking troubled himself, wishing he could escape whatever he was thinking about. Bucky lamented he couldn’t help him with it.

All her could do was sit there, across from him like he used to sometimes and be supportive.

He knew he was hedging, not sure where to begin so he just decided to help him along. “So what happened in the UK?” He asked, his metal arm resting on his bend knew. “Tell me about it.”

“We had some intel on a cell operating out of there. On the North End of London.” Steve started, playing with his fingers, his hair blowing a little in the light breeze. “We didn’t know who they were affiliated with at first, just knew they were planning something. There was a lot of chatter.” He looked up at Bucky, troubled. “We got in, raided it, and discovered they were Hydra, or what left of them. “ He got a pained look on his face. “Ones that still had loyalty to _him_.”

Bucky was not surprised by this, he had an idea there were more out there. They had been convicted, in absentia of the same crimes the Colonel had been, under both Us and International statutes according to Sharon Carter, who’d filled them in on a lot of this recently. So the Avengers, among others, were tasked with turning them over to their respective countries when they found them to serve sentences. Most in the in US had been rounded up, but they were still finding them in the rest of the world. And that was why they needed Steve’s help. They were spread thin these days.

The fact that the Colonel still had reach in jail bothered him a little, but not for his own sake. Bucky knew he could take care of himself now. No one was getting near him. But this bothered him more because it was still affecting Steve. He didn’t interrupt though, just nodded for him to continue, not wanting to slow the words.

He mentioned what one of them had said. The first part at least. About playing with the Colonel’s toy, which caused Bucky to wince a little. He had a feeling more was said there but Steve was reluctant to say, which it was probably a bit on the vulgar side. These guys had little tact knew.

“Tell me what else he said.” He asked Steve, watching him steadily. “Get it out of your system.”

“He.. said that he ‘broke you in good for me’ right as I was cuffing him.” Steve confessed, looking hesitant as he did. “I wanted to throttle him right there but I didn’t, I held back but then…” He paused and looked very hesitant now. “He told me that.. there were still lots of others.. that they’d get him out and..”

Bucky just held his gaze, staying calm for Steve. “And what/”

“That the Colonel had a message that when h did get out, he’d come and get what was his.” Steve confessed in a shaky voice. “And if you couldn’t be ‘persuaded’ this time.. you’d have to die.” Bucky saw Steve’s fist clench as he sat there. “That if he couldn’t have his Soldier no one could.” Steve’s eyes darkened at that moment in anger. A scary kind. “That’s when I lost it.”

Bucky closed his eyes, feeling his own anger rising at that. That bastard couldn’t get to him, so he mostly likely gave this message to anyone who might come in contact with Steve instead. For one last wheedle. He was still trying to hurt him through Steve. It made him wish for a moment that he’d finished the job on him. But he calmed himself for Steve’s sake. Not letting that bastard get the upper hand on either of them.

“Before I even knew what I doing I had the guy on the floor and was just.. beating him.” Steve confessed, looking a bit horrified at himself. “All I remember thinking was if they got a hold of you what he might do to you.” He seemed to squeeze his eyes shut, folding his arms across his chest. “I thought about all the things they did do to you already. What he did to you and it was like I… was beating _him_ instead.” He opened his eyes to look back at Bucky, pained. “I almost killed him.”

Bucky just kept his face neutral at this. “But you didn’t.”

“Only because Sam and Clint pulled me off him.” Steve answered, shaking his head. “Otherwise I might’ve.”

“What happened after that?” He asked, sliding a little closer to him on the landing. “Tell me.”

Steve told him the guy was hospitalized with multiple injuries including a broken jaw, concussion and multiple other injuries. Bucky didn’t feel the least bit sorry for that guy. If he was affiliated with the Colonel and Hydra, he was a piece of shit who deserved it. It was Steve he felt pain for right now. And a bit angry at too. He wondering how he didn’t see or hear any signs of this when Steve got home a day later.

“Tony told me no one would believe his word over mine.“ Steve informed him, rubbing his hands now. “And I did my best to keep you from knowing about it. And fortunately, my hands healed up pretty fast.” He continued to explain, even looking a little sheepish. “Don’t be mad at the others I asked them not tell you.”

Bucky wasn’t mad at them to be honest. They were just honoring their friends wishes. No this was on Steve and he was going to be sure to let him know that. “Because you knew what I would say didn’t you?” He asked, letting a little bit of anger creep into his voice. “That you went back to work too soon. Which I should’ve argued about more.” He shook his head at himself there. “I was just happy you wanted to, and I didn’t think about the risk. That’s on me.” He looked in Steve’s eyes as he finished. “The rest is on you punk.”

Steve just nodded in agreement, not even bothering to argue about it. “I know it is.”

“So tell me you how you felt after you beat the shit out of him.” He asked, knowing he might be pouring some salt into the wound, but sometimes it was the only thing that worked with Steve. “Did you feel better?”

“Obviously not.” Steve answered, once again not contesting the point. “Maybe because it wasn’t it him.”

Bucky scoffed a little at this answer. “You think that would make you feel better?” He asked him, sliding over a little more to sit in front of him. “That if you got a hold of the Colonel and beat the hell out of him, maybe even kill him, that this shit would go away?” He leaned in, emphasizing his point to him. “I got news for you punk, it won’t. It would just get a lot worse.”

“How could it get worse Buck?” Steve asked him pointedly. “How could I feel worse than I do right now?” He leaned forward himself so they were almost eye to eye. “I’m still angry about it. About all of it, it’s all I can think about lately.”

Bucky ran his hands over his face and through his hair for a moment before getting up and walking to the other railing by the stairs. He’d always known Steve had an angry streak in him. One that had caused many one-sided fights and a lot of bandages. It wasn’t a surprise that it would boil up in him and bubble over after everything recently, but what scared him was that he might not be able to let this one go. At least not while that bastard was stilling breathing and available somewhere. Still taunting him.

And worse, Bucky knew what happened when you let rage like that go at its target. More importantly he knew about what happened after.

Remembering standing that room with blood all over him and feeling just… empty inside. Broken.

“When I killed those men Steve, in that room, that was what broke me.” He told Steve with his back to him. “It wasn’t the torture it was that. The emptiness I felt inside after.” His hands gripped the railing, letting the memory flow through. “It was what allowed them to fill me and Soldier with what they wanted to.” He let his eyes just stared at the horizon he could see from here as he talked. “That’s when I lost myself for a really long time.”

“Bucky they were hurting you.”

“Yes they were but don’t you get it?” He said as he turned back to him. “That’s the reaction he wanted. He orchestrated the whole damn thing, pulled the strings. And that’s what he’s still doing now.” He leaned against the railing, crossing his arms. “He’s baiting you into something and if you give into that then he’ll get what he wants.” He gave him a pained look. “To destroy you.”

It was to get to him through Steve, which was the last card he had to play. And if Steve ran into any more of these pricks that could happen, he knew. To dim that light to Steve was to him. And to draw him eventually to him and complete it. It was the thing that truly scared Bucky the most to be honest. The Colonel didn’t scare him for his own sake. It was the fact that he’d weaseled his way into Steve’s head like this.

Walking back over he kneeled in front of Steve and took his face in his hands. “I won’t let him do that.” He told him adamantly. “Even if that means I have to keep you under lock and key until he’s out of your damn head, I will not let him take you from me.”

Steve leaned his head against Bucky’s at that moment and just stayed quiet for a minute. Bucky could hear the sound of the city settling around them as he kneeled there between Steve’s knees and just pressed his face to his. Hearing tress rustle in the breeze of cool, early summer night.

“I wanna hurt him Buck.” Steve told him with a broken voice. “I wanna make him suffer like he did to you.. I think about it all the time and I can’t stop.” His hands wrapped around Bucky’s as they sat there. “I’m so scared he’ll find a way out and come get you if I don’t stop him..”

Bucky didn’t answer that confession. The one that revealed the pain, anger and fear Steve had been living in for a long time. He just wrapped him up in his arms, trying to comfort him. He pressed his face into that blonde hair as he climbed into his lap to wrap him up. Remembering how long it had taken him to admit he was in pain over his mother’s death. How it had been a relief when he could finally comfort him. He was bigger now, but in no less pain. He was still his little punk at heart and he just wanted to take care of him and protect him.

“I don’t know how to fix it Buck.” Steve said into his shoulder, his voice sounding very much like he had then. “It’s all a mess in my head right now.”

“I know Steve.” He whispered into his hair. “Just let me help you now okay?” He smiled into that hair and added. “I’m kinda an expert on screwed up heads remember?”

It seemed self-effacing but it was true. He couldn’t count how many times he’d said that to Steve about himself, and now Steve was saying it back. But he did understand the confusion in the mind, the inability to escape your thoughts and doubts. And how your fear could control you. He may not have been a counselor yet, but he was certainly becoming an expert on overcoming trauma.

Steve pulled his head back and just looked up at him with those beautiful blue eyes of his, with so much pain and vulnerability in them. Reminding him painfully of when he was younger and in a similar state of mind. He thought about the front Steve had always put to the rest of the world, the strong, brave face of superhero, who rarely ever showed this side to anyone but him.

He brushed his hair before putting his hands on his face and kissing him softly. “I got you on this one punk.” He whispered against his lips. “Just let me take care of you now.”

The kiss he got in response to this was one of the sweetest ones they’d had in a long time. He smiled softly into it, his hands till holding Steve’s face, his hair blowing around it perfectly. He could feel hands on his waist holding him to him, and Bucky extended his legs over Steve’s to let them hang in the air over the side of the fire escape. Swinging them like they did when they were kids. 

Halfway through it he figured out why it was so sweet. Because it was a kiss of comfort and a promise to look after him. Because he was strong enough now and could take care of his punk again. And protect him from all threats, both internal and external.

So there was no need to stop doing it. And they didn’t. Not for a while at least.

\--

He didn’t want to stop kissing him, felt an urgent and desperate need to keep doing it. Like if he let him he’d slip away like smoke. So Steve kept his lips fastened to Bucky’s, even as he was running out of breath.

He hadn’t realized just how terrified he’d been until he’d admitted it. Scared that the letters would start again. The stalking would continue. That the Colonel would get busted out, even out of a maximum-security prison overseas, and take Bucky away from him, one way or another. It was why he’d suspicious of everyone, checking the mail all the time. He was traumatized by all of it and hadn’t wanted to admit it until now.

It was hard to basically admit that asshole was in his head, but Steve knew he was. Had known for a while he was. And for once it was a problem he couldn’t fix on his own. He needed Bucky to help him now.

When he finally let him go, they were both out of breath, taking in big gulps of the night air. Bucky’s hands were now on his shoulder and Steve let his own just slide under that brown hair and grip it. More as an anchor than an aggressive move. Their lips stayed close, a mere inch apart as they sat there like that as close as humanly possible.

“I don’t wanna let you go.” He admitted to Bucky, his eyes half-lidded. “I know it sounds stupid but.. if I don’t let you go they can’t take you away again.”

“It’s never gonna happen punk.” Bucky said reassuringly, his well-kissed lips sweetly swollen. “I won’t let it.”

Steve let his other hand slide under Bucky’s shirt and find that scar. The new one that asshole had given to him. Remembering when he’d collapsed bleeding into his arms, and in that terrifying moments following thought he would die in his arms as he carried him out of the tunnel. It had been a helpless feeling, like when he’d fallen. That what was the point of being who he was if couldn’t even save Bucky. Not once but twice.

He let his fingers trail over that raised scar, feeling Bucky’s body tremble as he touched it. Looking in those teal blues from a mere inch away and let all that show in his eyes. All that fear. Which more than anger had driven his reaction to that not so veiled threat. Had caused his fists to fly beyond his control. And would again if the situation arose again he knew. He knew he wasn’t okay. Might even be dangerous right now.

He’d almost killed Tony once because he hurt Bucky, and he’d been a friend. He could only imagine what he would do if he got near that man, or any of the other again. It was frightening to consider.

“I meant it Buck.” He said as he looked in his eyes. “I would kill him, I would kill any one of them if they came near you again.”

“I know you would.” Bucky answered, his hands on his face. “And I have to protect you from that.” He bit his lip softly, thumbs moving on his face gently. “I’m the dark one not you.. you live in the light.” He held Steve’s face more firmly at that. “And I’m gonna do everything I can to keep you that way you hear me punk?”

That statement reminded him of the earlier one about being his ‘sunshine’ and the implication was clear. Bucky may have been better, even more confident in himself, but he’d always see himself that way. Would never see the light that he himself gave off as well. He had always been the one to prop Steve himself up, seemingly wanting to keep himself in his shadow. He was comfortable there now. And Steve knew no attempt to tell him otherwise would change his mind on that front. There was something a bit heartbreaking in that, but it also made Steve himself feel loved and protected as well.

He just wanted to curl up next to him under the covers and just sleep for days like that. To block everything out and just let his mind rest. And it seemed like Bucky sensed this too. Sensed that need to just be close to him.

“I should get you to bed punk.” He said as he began to disentangle himself from Steve. “It’s late and it’s getting cold.”

It wasn’t cold, not at all, but Steve didn’t argue with the sentiment. He was just willing to give Bucky the time to take care of him now. He nodded as Bucky stood up, looking like a vision with the moon behind him, almost making him glow a little, like he had an aura around him. He reached out his metal hand and pulled Steve up with it, and he could feel the coolness of the ring he wore on the finger of that hand. His ring.

“You know bed actually sounds great.” He told Bucky as they climbed back in through the window. “Especially when you’re there with me jerk.”

Bucky closed the window behind them and locked, a habit he’d always had. Security he supposed. After a long time of being paranoid people were coming for him, even in his more stable state, making sure things were locked was old habit he was probably never going to get out of. And to be honest, Steve felt better about it too consider the fire escape went down to the ground and all. It eased his own worries to lock anything that was easily accessible, even with a state of the art security system like they had.

“I have no plans to sleep anywhere else.” Bucky told him as he slid an arm around him. “Ever.” He then smiled as he pulled him toward the bedroom. “Even though you snore like an elephant Rogers, I’m too used to you.”

They got to their room and got ready for bed, Steve noted that Bucky stripped everything off, even the underclothes, before coming over to him with nothing on at all. It always made him catch his breath to look at him, how beautiful he truly was. Every inch of his body was gorgeous and Steve felt that possessiveness over him all over again as Bucky stepped into his arm space. And proceeded to remove the rest of his clothes too. Not in an urgent, needful way, but in a loving, comforting way.

“You’re so strong and healthy now.” He told Steve as he pulled his shirt off. “And I’m glad for that, I am.” His hands slid over Steve’s chest reverently before finding the waistband of his shorts. “But even back then I thought you were beautiful punk.” His eyes lifted to Steve’s as he snagged the shorts to pull them off. “I loved you then and I love you now..”

There was always this sweet, shivering feeling whenever Bucky said that. That he’d loved him and thought he was beautiful even then. No one else had looked at him and seen anything but a weak, frail kid, but Bucky had seen beyond that and had loved him in spite of it Maybe even because of it. He had seen him before anyone else had. And had already claimed him as his own before anyone else could. Bucky, who had been so beautiful himself then, to the point where he’d made Steve’s heart ache just looking at him, who could’ve had anyone he wanted, had chosen him. And Steve’s heart had never recovered from that.

He felt Bucky pull his shorts off and he stepped out of them, kicking them aside before that incredible metal arm wrapped his waist, pulling him closer. He looked into those beautiful eyes and let his hands just roam over that body, the muscular back, the scar tissue on the shoulder, down to his hips and that perfect ass, letting it linger there, as their lips skated together sweetly.

“If you could’ve seen yourself Buck.” He whispered to him. “How beautiful you were, how perfect you were. It made me ache just looking at you.. ” He nuzzled his face and held his body tighter against his. “And I still don’t know why you picked me.”

“What can I say?” Bucky answered, his metal hand sliding down and pressing into Steve’s ass sweetly. “I got weakness for blonde, ornery punks.”

Just the feel of those metal fingers flexing softly on his bare ass was enough to make him close the distance between their lips and kissed him deeply, backing him against the bed until they both just fell on it. Kissing and touching like they had when they were kids and still learning. In no real hurry to accelerate it. It wasn’t like early, the angry outburst, this was different. Sweeter.

Bucky pulled his lips away and looked up at Steve with a serious look. “By the way you’re not going in tomorrow.” He told Steve, metal fingers playing in his hair. “You got that?”

“What?” Steve asked, bracing his hands on the bed on either side of Bucky’s head. “I got work to do at the compound.”

“No.” Bucky responded, his eyes fixed on Steve. “You’re staying home.”

Steve raised an eyebrow at this. “So you just gonna hold me hostage?”

“Damn right I am punk.” Bucky replied, wrapping his leg around Steve’s hip. “And you will find escape impossible.”

“Can I ask why I’m being held prisoner jerk?”

“Because you went back too soon.” Bucky told him, his metal fingers playing on the back of Steve’s neck. “You didn’t give yourself time to process everything first.” His eyes softened a bit as he bit his lower lip in that cute way of his. “And it’s my job to look out for your best interests, even if you don’t want me to.”

“It’s just training Buck.” Steve protested, even though he knew it was futile. “It’s not field work.”

Bucky then gripped his hair and pulled his face closer to his. “Listen to for once punk.” He told him, their eyes mere inches from each other’s. “I trust you to make decisions for me when I’m not capable of making them for myself. And you’ve always acted in my best interests.” Now both his thighs were around Steve’s hips, as if he was holding him there. “Even when I didn’t agree you did. Do you trust me to do the same for you?”

He looked down at him, remembering how after his mother had died, Bucky had been the one he’d trusted to make any medical decisions for him back then. He was essentially the closest thing to family he had. And he’d always made the right one, even when Steve had been too stubborn to do what he was supposed to. And that was what he was doing now Steve knew. Looking out for his best interests.

“Yes I do Buck.” He answered finally, brushing their lips together. “I always have.”

“Then stop arguing with me.” Bucky said right before being kissed. “It isn’t negotiable.”

He didn’t. He knew Bucky was right, he’d rushed himself and needed more time to process everything. It’s why that incident happened in the first place. He’d let Bucky take care of him now, like before. Let him make the call for him, because they trusted each other to make the right one. It went both ways.

With that settled, the kiss deepened and soon they were making love. Soft and slow this time. Drawing out the experience. It was no less intense, just more methodical, with long, slow, deep thrusts that enhanced the feeling for both of them. Bucky’s metal fingers flexed sweetly into Steve’s back and release with every one of them. Steve’s hands slid up and down his body, lips slowly sucking a mark into his neck.

Soft moans of love and praise echoed throughout the room and out the open window into the night air.

Bucky’s face when he came was always so beautiful to him, those eyes were his home. One he never wanted to leave. Felt the beginnings of one of their heavy phases of physical intimacy coming and embraced it He simply couldn’t’ get enough of this feeling. Of being this close in every way.

“I… I love you..” He breathed to him right before taking his lips again in the deepest of kisses. As if trying to consume him. “My Bucky…”

Bucky just simply moaned a response, crushing him to his body as if to absorb him into it as well.

Afterward he felt himself dozing off with his face buried in the scar tissue of Bucky’s shoulder, feeling that metal arm wrapped around his head as he did. He lay with his own arm wrapped around Bucky’s waist tightly, almost possessively, their legs tangled together under the covers intimately.

He had a feeling of safety and protection himself, something he’d always tried to give to Bucky. But this time he was the one that needed it. So it wasn’t much of a surprise when he ended up wrapped up fully in Bucky’s arms during the night, with the cat sleeping at their feet.

And if his mind brought him nightmares, Bucky was there to hold him and that’s what allowed him to sink into a deeper sleep that night.

\--

Bucky woke up that morning with Steve nestled in his arms, face buried against his shoulder. The feel of his warmth breath on that sensitive scar tissue was a sensation he cherished. He pressed his lips to Steve’s head and kissed it softly, hand playing in his hair as he then watched him sleep a little longer.

It was his turn to look after him now and he was planning on doing just that.

He’d put his foot down on that and meant it. He was keeping him home until he was sure he was alright to go back to work. Steve had agreed to this, but Bucky knew he might still object after a period of time. But he would stand his ground on it. He would protect his punk, even from himself.

Steve seemed to tense slightly in his arms, and Bucky knew might’ve been having some kind of bad dream. Bucky was very familiar with nightmares, although his had been less frequent lately. Not to say he didn’t have them, but they weren’t causing night after night of disrupted sleep for him. Steve’s had been more toward the morning fortunately. At least the ones Bucky knew about.

“Hey it’s okay.” He told him, pressing his lips to his head again. “I’m still here.”

He remembered all the times he’d woken up screaming in Steve’s arms. Shaking and crying. And sometimes as another person. How horrible that must’ve been to see so regularly. Because quite honestly Steve suffering in any way hurt Bucky to see. And he knew it hadn’t helped with Steve’s trauma during all this too. It made him still feel somewhat that he was the cause of a lot of it too. That was something he tried desperately to keep to himself even now.

And now that bastard with his head games had made it worse.

It had been those threats and games he’d thrown against Steve that more than anything that had pushed Bucky into not only going after him that time, but also motivated him to testify and nail him to the wall. If it had just been him the Colonel was tormenting, he’d have run again. But Steve had given him a reason to stay in place and stand his ground and fight back. To use his strength and power to turn the tables on them once and for all.

Steve seemed to stir, almost jerking awake before burying his face back in Buck’s shoulder, holding him tightly and breathing hard. “You okay?” He asked him, turning a little more to so he could tighten his arm a little more around him. “Steve?”

“Yeah.” He heard Steve’s muffled voice say. “Just need a minute.”

They were still naked under the covers, had gone to sleep that way, and Bucky could feel a slight shake in Steve’s body as he recovered from his nightmare. He pulled him even closer and nuzzled his face in his hair until that tremble calmed. Once again, he was floored by how the situation had sort of flipped with them again. The ebbs and flows that came with a relationship as long-term as theirs.

“We can talk about it.” He suggested, nuzzling his blonde hair. “Or not.”

He felt Steve smiled into his shoulder. “You never liked to talk about yours.”

“True.” Bucky admitted, smiling himself. “I just thought you’d get bored with tales of torture and death that’s all.”

The fact that he could joke about that a little was not lost on him. Or Steve either he was sure. He had an idea though what Steve’s consisted of though, there were plenty of hints about that. But like Steve had learned with him, he knew he couldn’t press him on it until he wanted to talk about it. PTSD nightmares were hellish he knew and often you just wanted to forget them.

“So what are we gonna do since I’m not working today?” Steve asked instead, apparently not wanting to go there yet.

Bucky brushed Steve’s hair with his fingers as he lay there. “Well we don’t have to do anything.” He told him, wrapping an ankle around Steve’s. “Hell we don’t even have to get dressed if we don’t want to punk.”

He felt those lips nuzzle his neck in response to that. “I like the sound of that boo bear.”

“You could even… wash my hair if you want.” Bucky suggested, his eyes fluttering a little. “Or better yet… wash his..” He felt Steve paused slightly and smiled to himself. “Whatever way you want.”

“Oh really?” Steve said as he pulled back to look in his eyes. “He likes that too?”

“Of course.” He replied, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “We like that a lot Stevie.”

He saw that glint in Steve’s eyes, looking fully recovered from the nightmare now. The Soldier was a kink they both enjoyed quite a bit. It allowed Bucky to step outside himself once and a while and observe, without being fully gone. To experience sex with Steve in a whole new way. He was glad the Soldier wasn’t gone. That he’d brought him back. And loved that Steve had accepted this quirk in his mind so easily.

And he certainly enjoyed the hungry look Steve got when he slipped into that vernacular.

Rising up at that Steve pulled him into his arms so he was basically sitting on his lap. He got a hand in his hair and kissed him hungrily, their tongues smashing into each other. Bucky felt the Soldier part of him sliding into place, a dizzying sensations that was hard to describe. And a not entirely unpleasant one either. Felt Steve slide a little more over to the edge of the bed and let his legs wrap around him in response.

“We love when our Steve washes our hair.” The Soldier part of him spoke through him in the middle of the kiss. “It feels so good.”

Steve then stood up on the side of the bed, using only one hand to effortlessly carry him, the other was still tangle in his hair. Both Bucky and the Soldier both loved way that one hand cradled their ass and let their legs tighten around his hips even more as they continued to kiss. Love how Steve didn’t even need to see where he was going either. He knew the way.

“Then lets get that hair washed Soldier.” Steve growled against his lips as he carried him through the door. “And get you nice and clean.”

Bucky and the Soldier were more than happy to distract Steve right now. To keep him busy for a while. In fact, they didn’t stop kissing him the whole time as he turned on the shower, shifting them on his hip slightly as he did.

Still didn’t fully let go of them as the spray of warm water hit their head either. As Steve put them down and grabbed the shampoo bottle and began working into their hair. Who needed to breath after all right? The feel of those strong hands in their hair, kneading their scalp was so erotic it actually caused them to purr like a kitten. Caused their hands to slide over Steve’s wet body as they kept kissing him, just unable to stop.

When the Soldier had been washed by the others it had never felt like this. He had always felt dirty and never understood why. But now he knew, this was how it was supposed to feel. And he reveled in it. He and Bucky both.

“Mmm soo good..” He moaned in between kisses. “Our Steve feels so good..”

Their hands slid all over Steve’s body even more, feeling him too. Feeling what was theirs. What they would kill to protect. Fingers, metal and flesh exploring him yet again as Steve continued to wash their hair, putting in conditioner and doing that thing with the scalp that caused their eyes to flutter in their head.

And when Steve’s hands did the same thing with the soap, rubbing it into his body, the Soldier just about melted in his arms, before pressing his lips into Steve’s chest and sucking on the wet skin hungrily. Possessively His hands gripping his body in various places as his lips moved over him, claiming him. Steve was theirs. And Steve had been hurting lately. And the Soldier, like Bucky, wanted to do whatever he had to make him feel better.

So he took the soap out of his hand and washed him too, lathering him up as he looked into his eyes. Wanting to see any pain and doubt fade out of them. His hands moved all over him and found the part of him that always reacted the strongest. Wrapped his metal hand around it and stroked it softly as he looked in his eyes, feeling that part of him grow more solid, even with the metal hand, he could feel it.

“We want to take care of our Steve.” He purred to him. “Make him feel good.”

“You always do.” Steve replied, his hand in their wet hair. “Always.”

The Soldier, like Bucky, had never really liked doing the thing with the others. Only did it to not be hurt. But with Steve, they liked it a lot. Liked the way their hair got pulled as they did. Because Steve didn’t make them do it, Steve let them choose. Something he’d never known he could do before. Steve set them free.

So he slid down on his knees and replaced his hand with his mouth and took care of him. Felt Steve’s hand in his wet hair and consumed him, letting his hands wrap around him and let the metal one play around inside. Bucky had said Steve liked this and he was right. 

He tasted delicious and the Soldier could not get enough of it, pulling his hips tighter against him.

“Our Steve..” He moaned around him. “Ours.”

\--

Steve’s eyes rolled, pulling on the Soldier’s hair as he took him in even more, at one point deep-throating him. It was just.. his mind and body could barely take the pleasure he was getting out of this, causing him to thrust his hips against him in response.

There was still a small part of him that didn’t want to be too rough considering his history, but the Soldier would not let him hold back, just kept pulling him greedily deeper into his mouth every so often, those blue eyes flicking up at him as he did. Steve could see such love and lust in them it nearly drove him mad and caused his hip to continue to push against him in spite of himself.

And that metal hand, holy shit he loved when he did that. The way the fingers moved inside, the semi-cool metal plates flexing inside and pressing into the right place. The one that stet him off like a rocket He knew was going to cum hard. Hell he had a feeling he was going to explode actually. Letting more of that tension out. Which might have been exactly the point of it.

His Soldier was taking care of his Steve and it was incredible.

“Oh…. Soldier..” He moaned, pushing his hips against him. Pushing himself more into that warmth mouth “Fuuuuck…”

He came exactly the way he’d expected to. His hand gripping his wet hair and holding him to him, giving him everything he had to offer. And the Soldier took that too, hungrily consuming it until he was done. His eyes flicked up at Steve’s again, surrounded by white steam, and it was the most beautiful, erotic sight he’d ever seen, filling him with such love for him.

The Soldier then pulled his lips away finally and rose back up to face him. “We love making our Steve feel good.” He whispered, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck. “We love Steve..”

“Oh Soldier..” Steve replied, pulling him to him and kissing him deeply. “I love you too.”

He was exhausted and spent but didn’t skimp on that kiss, his tongue deep in his throat as he crushed that body against his, hand still buried in that hair. His other one flattened on his back as the steam continued to rise around him. At that moment he didn’t feel anything but love and desire for him. There was no fear or doubt at all. His nightmare from that morning was far away. There was just the now.

He just held him in his arms and kissed him until neither one could breathe. And then kissed him a little more. Tasting himself on his tongue and groaning into it, his other hand cupping his ass and squeezing it in his hand every often.

“Feel better?” He was asked after a while, as his neck was now being nuzzled and occasionally sucked on.

“A lot better.” Steve told him, giving him another squeeze. “Fantastic actually.”

The Soldier, or Bucky, whichever he was now, reached down behind them and turned the water off deftly before pulling him out. Steve felt like he was in a daze, unable to think or function properly after that experience. He felt a towel being wrapped around him as he was dried off. Felt loving hands on him as he looked deep into those incredible blue eyes and let himself be taken care of.

He then had a doubting thought, his mind of course trying to trick him up. “I didn’t.. I mean I wasn’t too rough was I?”

He didn’t know why he still thought this sometimes. Why it still plagued him but it did. Ever since Bucky had first told him of the abuse he’d endured. He thought maybe it was the dream he’d had earlier. The ones he didn’t like to talk about. Images of the Colonel hurting Bucky and then he himself doing it. Hating that that bastard was still in his head even now, interfering in such intimate moments.

Bucky’s hands were on his face, holding it as he looked at him. “You’re nothing like them Steve.” He told him as if he could read his mind and maybe he could. “Stop thinking that you are.”

Steve lowered his head and just leaned into Bucky’s arms right there, letting himself be enveloped in them. He buried his face into his neck and let out a sob, just needed to let it loose. He felt that metal hand on the back of his head and the flesh one on his back, holding him close.

“I dreamed I was.” He confessed, letting it out finally. “That I was hurting you like he did.” He hugged him tighter as he talked. “And he was there telling me I was just like him.. and at that moment I was.. because I like.. doing those things too.”

Bucky didn’t say anything at first, just held him tighter. Steve felt the memory of the dream. Of putting Bucky in restraints and fucking him hard. Of pulling his hair and trying to make him scream. He couldn’t, at that moment in his own mind, tell the difference, even though he knew there was one. A big one. It was just too damn close to the trauma area of his mind for him to truly accept it yet.

“You don’t force me to do anything Steve.” Bucky whispered in his ear. “You don’t like hurting me. You don’t make me feel bad.. or dirty or anything.” The hand on his back ran slow circles as he held him. “Everything I do with you I wanna to do.. and anything you wanna do with me is okay.” He pulled back a little, putting his hand on Steve’s face again. “I love you and it’s all okay.”

Steve leaned his forehead against Bucky’s and just stood there, trying to take this in and believe it. He could tell by the look in Bucky’s eyes he meant it. Every word. It hurt so much that this doubt was in his head. That it had caused him to lash out and nearly kill someone as a result. That the hands that were currently resting on Bucky’s hips still ached to do it. To tear apart the guilty parties. To make them bleed and scream. But he knew like Bucky had told him earlier, it wouldn’t make him feel any better if he did.

“I don’t know how to fix this Bucky.” Steve lamented again, closing his eyes. “I don’t know.. what to do..”

Bucky just pressed his lips to Steve’s head. “We’ll figure this out punk.” He said against his forehead. “We’ll do it together.”

Steve pulled Bucky to him by his hips, turning his head so their lips were just brushing each other. Neither of them were dressed still. The intimacy of that seemed to suit today for him. To be so naked, and not just physically either, seemed important. It allowed the vulnerability and trust to continue. It was safe here to let himself feel it, just like he’d always told Bucky. It was their home after all.

And those lips connected again for a soft kiss. Every kiss lately fraught with deep feeling. None of them were wasted at all.

He was glad Bucky had made him stay home today. He was in no shape to go anywhere he knew now.

“Let’s get some breakfast okay?” Bucky said softly to him as he pulled his lips away. “And we’ll go from there okay?”

Steve nodded, but was still reluctant to let go of him just yet. He didn’t feel very steady at the moment. It was like the world was tilting under his feet and he couldn’t keep his balance. Wondering if this was how Bucky had felt during the worst of it. Remembering seizures and passing out. Of seeming emotional breakdowns occurring right in the very bathroom. When Bucky had basically climbed onto the shower to remove a blinking light bulb, almost hysterical as he did.

And now here he was, practically falling apart himself and Bucky was the one holding him up now.

“You were so strong to get through all that.” He told him, as Bucky began to wrap a towel around his waist. “I still don’t know how you did Buck.”

Bucky bit his lower lip and looked up at him with a soft look. “I had you.” He told him simply. “That’s how ”He smiled in that same soft way. “You held me up.”

He then took both of Steve’s hand and let him out of the bathroom, letting Steve dwell on that statement. As if he was giving Steve all the credit for how strong he’d been then. He had a hard time believing it the way he felt right now.

“That wasn’t me.” He protested as Bucky got them some shirts to wear for breakfast. “You did it yourself.”

Bucky rolled his eyes as if annoyed by this. “God that humility bullshit annoys me sometimes.” He told him and handed him a long shirt to wear. “When I was at my worst I wasn’t strong at all.. and I had to it was okay not be.” He grabbed Steve’s head and pulled it against his own again. “It’s okay to need help and I did then.” His eyes were looking right into Steve’s now. “Sometimes we do need someone to hold us up.. that’s okay to be weak.”

He hadn’t quite thought of it that way. But knew he had a problem with that himself. And understood what Bucky was trying to tell him. That it was okay to lean on him too. To let it be what it was in spite of his own misgivings.

His thoughts were broken by the sight of Bucky stepping back and pulling a long grey shirt that just covered him. And making no effort to put any pants on. And thought this might an interesting day on that note as well.

“Now lets some damn breakfast.” Bucky said non-clamantly as if he didn’t notice Steve’s eyes crawling on him. “We may not have to get dressed but we do have to eat.”

“Alright then.” Steve agreed, watching as Bucky breezed past him. “Lead the way.”

He gave him quite a view going down the stairs. And knew exactly what he was doing. And Steve was starting to think being grounded wasn’t so bad after all.

\--

He hadn’t been kidding when he said he was going to keep Steve home, and in a state of undress, because that was exactly how they were spending the day. Steve had things to work out, and he’d keep him home as long as it took to help him with that.

They’d go to the wedding tomorrow, but other than he was grounded.

Right now however, Bucky was sitting in the art room, on the stool, wearing nothing but a long grey hooded shirt that just covered him. For the sake of breakfast and to keep paint off him, not that he’d complain if he had to take another shower considering how much fun the last one had been.

And it was also good for teasing purposes as well he’d found. So there was that too.

Steve was sitting behind him, in a similar state of dress, watching him paint with his arms around him. Bucky knew this relaxed Steve as much as it did him and he didn’t mind him there. No more than he was bothered by Arya sleeping in her little hammock under the chair. Occasionally swatting his ankles playfully if he swung them too close. Barely heard the Celtic music playing either, providing background ambient noise.

The painting he was currently working on was soft in color so far, looking a bit like a sunset over the city. It might’ve been the view from their roof when they were kids, but he wasn’t sure yet. Whatever it was, it wasn’t one of his more intense paintings and that was good for today.

“I still think you should do a show sometime.” Steve mused as he played with Bucky’s undone hair. “You are really good people should see it.”

Bucky had mused on this himself, turning it over in his head. His art was very personal sometimes and there were certain paintings he only let a few people see. The mural they’d all done in Hawaii as a family was hanging in the living room. Along with the painting he’d done of the windmills in the Netherlands, by far the best part of that trip as he recalled. But a lot of them still hung in here. Including some of his dark earlier ones when he was still in the early stages of his healing process. And only a few select people had seen them.

“I said I’d think about it.” He told him after a few moments thought. “Maybe if you show some of your photos and sketches too.” He smiled, adjusting himself in the chair. “Could make it a joint thing or something.”

“Well most of my photos and sketches are of you jerk.” Steve countered, nuzzling his neck. “I’d be blinding everyone with your beauty.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at that, even though he’d started to eat up the praise too. Not in an egotistical way, but in a way that had belied his new confidence in himself these days. He still had days when he thought he was scarred and ugly as fuck, but those were his bad days. Most of the time he felt better about himself. And Steve’s sketches and photos had shown him how Steve saw him and it had been enlightening.

“It’s tiring being a muse.” He sighed, dabbing some paint on the canvas.

He felt Steve press his face into his shoulder, his hands holding him around the waist. “You’re more than a muse to me.” He said in a muffled voice against his shoulder. “You’re my inspiration Buck. You make me want to try harder all the time.”

Bucky paused for a moment in his painting to put his metal hand on Steve’s, closing his eyes. “To be what?”

“A better man.” Steve replied, his hands sliding down Bucky’s waist and resting on his bare thighs. “A stronger one.” His lips nuzzled his neck just under his hair now. “To be everything you need me to be.”

Bucky smiled softly, the paintbrush moving on the canvas again, adding more detail. “You already are Steve.” He told him as he painted. “You always been my inspiration too.”

Steve had always been good and kind underneath, even if his exterior as a kid had been stubborn and ornery. Bucky had always admired his heart, and his strength overcome everything life had thrown at him. It was this true nature that had made him the perfect choice for Captain America. But Bucky had seen this potential before most had. Had in many ways, already looked up to him, even when he was smaller than him.

The fact that he let him see that sensitive nature even then made Bucky feel special. And sometimes undeserving of it himself. Steve was always the one that had made him feel good and worthy. And now he had to help him restore his self-confidence as well. To remind him how good he was truly was. How he was nothing like those others.

“So what is this painting of?” Steve asked curiously from over his shoulder.

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered honestly. “I guess we’ll find out won’t we?”

The intimacy of the way they were sitting, just wearing shirts, the skin of their legs touching was surprisingly not as much of a distracting as he thought. In fact, it was helping him, focusing him and allowing the muse to strike well. Cause it’s subject was getting clearer now.

“Hey that almost looks like Coney.” Steve observed, reaching a hand out to point at it. “Like the view from the Cyclone or something.”

Well what do you know, it did. He could almost see what looked like a corner of one of the food stands in the lower right corner. And if he was honest, the flat line at the bottom looked less and less like a roof and more like a railing. He smiled at this, thinking about how he was always drawn back there. Because, like he’d told Wanda, it was one of the few things that was still around now. And that hadn’t changed much in nearly 8 decades.

The colors were rich and vibrant, and it clearly took placed around sunset. He was always amazed that he’d developed this ability. Or discovered it, wondering if it always been in him and he’d just never utilized until recently. But he was glad he cold share it now.

He became aware of Steve’s hands on his hips now, just under the shirt, warm and soft for hands that strong. He leaned back into him a little, lowering the brush and allowing this feeling to roll over him. Acutely aware that they both lacked pant right now, and exactly where his bottom was situated. He let the feeling spread though him like wildfire Wanting to let himself be available to Steve today whenever or wherever he wanted and needed him. It was his way of taking care of him.

“I see the pier too.” Steve whispered in Bucky’s ear as he gently pulled his hips back against him a little more. “In the other corner..” Now Bucky could feel him pressing against him and let a soft moan escape his lips. “Where we first made love… do you see it?”

He was starting to. A sliver on the left side and Bucky put the brush into that off-white color he made and began to paint it more fully now. Remembering all the times they’d made love under there. Including their first time. As he was doing this, he could feel Steve’s hands under the shirt and his eyes fluttered again. He wanted to finish before it turned into what he knew it was going to. And sure enough there it was fully, the pier extending out into the ocean.

“I see it now.” He breathed, before putting the brush down. “How could I have missed it?”

He then turned himself around in the chair, climbing onto Steve’s lap like he liked to do, letting his legs dangle over the side of the chair, and kissed him humidly, unable to help himself anymore. Felt Steve’s hands on his thighs now as he situated him better on his lap. Bucky could feel him right there and eagerly wiggled his ass against him, causing Steve to groan into the kiss and grip him harder., before sliding deliciously into him.

“It’s beautiful Buck.” Steve whispered against his lips, holding him there just like that just for a moment. “Just like you.”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered as he savored the feeling of being filled so fully. It actually took his breath away every time. He remembered having Steve on his lap like this when they were younger, the way he’d look with his blue eyes shining down at him. The way his small body would take him so beautifully and not only that, ride him with enthusiasm, going until he was practically wheezing for breath by the time he was done and sleeping sweetly in his arms after. The clear as day memory of this just added fuel to his desire. His little punk had never held back anything in those moments and it had been such a turn on.

God he’d loved him then and he still did now. Had felt such protectiveness toward him it almost felt dangerous.

And now here he was, and Steve was so big and strong now, and he was sitting on his lap the same way. But still feeling the same feeling he did then. That he would do anything for him. That he would protect him. Keep him safe like he’d promised Sarah he would.

“So are you punk.” He breathed, pulling his lips away and bracing his hands on his now strong shoulders. “So are you.”

And with that he started to move on him, their bodies in perfect sync on the chair, Impaling himself on him over and over, letting those feelings of love and protectiveness flow through him as he did. The painting of Coney Island just over his shoulder, with it’s smell of fresh paint in his nose, along with the sultry smell of their lovemaking.

He loved this room so much, everything was shared here and would continue to be for years to come.

“My sweet punk..” He moaned thickly, pushing down as Steve pushed up, meeting deliciously in that sweet spot. “Mine…”

His paint streaked making colorful marks on the shirt Steve was wearing, and on his skin. And when Steve’s lips found that sensitive spot on his neck and clamped down, it was the last coherent thing he remembered for a while.

\--

Laying on the big windowsill in the art room, Steve had his head in Buck’s lap, trailing his hand up and down his leg. It was one of their favorite spots to just sort of chill and relax. And after having Bucky in the chair right there, he felt pretty relaxed. And a bit thoughtful, which tended to happen in that that sweet afterglow.

“So how long am I grounded?” He asked, looking up at Bucky. “Just for today or what?”

Bucky, who’d been looking out the window, turned and smiled a sly grin down at him. “Until I say so punk.”

“I do have to leave the house sometime jerk.” He replied, wrapping his arm around Bucky’s bare thigh and kissing it. “I am the best man at the wedding tomorrow.”

“You’re exempt for that.” Bucky told him, his metal fingers playing in Steve’s hair. “But otherwise, your ass is staying home Captain.”

“Okay Ma.” Steve said with a sarcasm and nuzzled Bucky’s warm thigh again. “Whatever you say.”

Bucky seemed to chuckle at that. “Your ma would do the same thing.” He said with a stern tone. “She was not above grounding your dumb ass too no matter how cute you were.”

Steve felt his thoughts actually turning to his mom for a moment, which did seem strange in the moment considering what they’d just done. Knowing Bucky was right. She was kind but stern. Didn’t fall for the puppy dog eyes Steve would try to give her to get out of punishment. She’d just look at him exasperatedly, pushing her blonde hair away from her face and told him what was what when he got out of line.

_Someday you’ll understand why you can’t do whatever you want Steve.._ He’d remembered her saying, the Irish brogue coming out. _It’s for your own good._

He felt a pang thinking of her now. And the fact that, by the end, she was so sick, she wouldn’t even let her son see her for that same reason. Steve himself had asthma and would be very susceptible to catching tuberculosis, a lung disease that, at the time, didn’t have a vaccination to prevent it. And he remembered being angry about this. Angry at her for not letting him see her, even though deep down he knew why. But logic and rationality didn’t exist in a painful situation like that.

It had even caused a fight between him and Bucky, because the latter had been allowed to see her, seeing as how he was in better health. _She’s my damn mom! _He remembered yelling at Bucky. _Why do you get to risk it but not me!_ He’d raged in the alley outside the hospital. _It’s not damn fair!_

_You know why Steve_. Bucky had told him, his hands on Steve’s arms to calm him. _That disease could kill you in a matter of days in your condition. Not weeks, not months Days._ His eyes had been sympathetic but stern. _She’s protecting you. _

He’d remembered being so angry, that it taken him forever to truly grieve for her.

“What was she like the last time you saw her?” He asked Bucky suddenly, realizing he’d never asked that question. “My mom. Do you remember?”

Looking up he saw Bucky bite his lip before looking back down at him. His eyes were a bit sad as if recalling this. By the end Sarah had been so sick no one could see her, but Bucky had seen her at a point where Steve couldn’t, and not only had Steve never asked, but Bucky had never mentioned her condition at that point. Almost as if he was sparing him the thought of that image. Coming to realization of just how much Bucky had protected him too. Which now made him feel worse about being so angry at both of them.

“She was.. weak.. could barely breathe.” He told Steve, looking out the window as he painfully recalled this. “She was still strong and beautiful like always, but it was killing her, and you could see it.” He looked back down at Steve with a soft look. “She didn’t want you to see her that way.. and she didn’t want to make you sick either. It’s why she didn’t want you there.”

“I was mad at her for that.” He confessed to him, wrapping his arm a little tighter around Bucky’s leg as he talked. “Was mad at you too. At everyone for treating me like I needed protection. “ He closed his eyes, feeling Bucky’s hand stroke his hair a little more as he nuzzled his thigh. “I know now that.. you both just trying to protect me and I don’t know why I hated that so much.”

“She was your mom Steve.” Bucky told him. “You had a right to be upset.”

Steve then turned and looked up at him, still laying his head on his leg as he did. “Yeah I know but it wasn’t just that.” He continued, needing to admit this too. “I was angry that she got sick at all. That she put herself in a position that she could that sick.”

“She was a nurse Steve.” Bucky said in soft voice. “Just like you she was willing to take risks help people.”

“I know that now but..” He said and paused. “I was young and stupid and angry.”

He saw Bucky smile at that. “Well that was nothing unusual punk.”

Steve thought about how hard he’d been on Bucky then too, sometimes refusing his help. Getting into fights and just being an overall pain in the ass. And Bucky had been patient as hell with him in spite of that. Had looked after him as he best he could while holding down a job of his own and helping out his own family still. Had juggled all that with the fact that they’d had to keep their relationship a secret as well. Knew now that Bucky not only did this because he loved Steve, but because he’d love Sarah too, and had promised her he would. He thought this was a part of Bucky’s story people should hear. That it might sway any leftover holdouts as to what kind of person he truly was. Show his selfless humanity.

Hell he’d even died for him technically. Sometimes it floored him what Bucky had been willing to do for him. And after everything he’d been through, he was still devoted to looking after him even now and had zero regrets for the sacrifices he’d made to do it.

“I’m sorry that I was such a pain in the ass.” He told him, nuzzling his face into his leg again. “That I still am even now.”

“You’re a good kind of pain in the ass punk.” Bucky said with such sincerity in his voice it was almost painful. “You’re worth the aggravation.”

Steve rose up at that point, so he was sitting between Bucky’s legs and put his hands on his face to kiss him softly. Feeling that loose brown spilling over his fingers as he did. The metal hand with the ring on it, touching his waist. Thinking if he could freeze time, he’d want to freeze this right here.

“Thank you for putting up with me jerk.” He whispered against his lips. “And for… well.. kicking my ass once and a while.”

Bucky smiled as he pulled away, his blue eyes soft as he looked at him. “You’re welcome punk.”

Steve picked up Bucky’s metal hand and kissed each one of the fingers. He knew Bucky could feel this in a strange way because of the involuntary way his eyes fluttered when he did it. And because Bucky had told he had some feeling in it. Not like his flesh hand, but still there. He stopped at the wedding ring on it and smiled over the tops of his fingers.

“So why did you finally decide to put it on this hand?” He asked, realizing he’d never actually asked this either, just accepted the change without comment.

“Because that’s the one it belongs on punk.” Bucky told him, flexing the hand so he could see over the fingers. “And it’s a part of me too.. and every part of me belongs to you.”

Steve could honestly say that he’d never looked more beautiful than right then. Eyes shining, hair down, wearing nothing but a long grey shirt. And lit up by the sun coming in the window. He watched as his other hand was picked up, the one that had his own wedding ring on it, and saw Bucky kiss that one, pressing the ring finger to his lips as well, looking at Steve over the top of it.

“Well then I’m completely yours too jerk.” He told him in a nearly breathless voice. “All of me.”

They leaned their heads together, both their hands entwined in each other’s as if to show this belonging. Cementing soulmate status. And Steve felt even better having confessed what he did to Bucky. Sharing even more of his heart with him. And feeling, in a strange way, that maybe his ma was looking out for them even now. Smiling down at them both because they’d continued to persevere through everything that had been thrown their way. Separation, mental illness and everything in between.

“I love you Buck.” He said in a voice broken with emotion. “I love you so damn much.”

Bucky turned his face to Steve’s letting their lips touch slightly. “I love you too punk.”

He wanted to make love to him again and did, right on the windowsill., keeping their fingers entwined the whole time He would let himself be protected, sheltered, for as long as Bucky wanted to do it.

If this was being grounded, he could do this all day.

\--

“Stop fidgeting punk I’m almost done.”

He was once again fixing Steve’s tie and jacket, feeling like a parent dressing a five-year-old. It was almost time for him to join Sam and Steve was still a bit hapless with this formal stuff. Bucky stepped backed, looked him over and put the flower in his pocket that had been let there.

“There we go.” He said finally, turning him to look in the mirror. “Now you look like a Best Man.”

He saw Steve smile over his shoulder. “What would I do without you?”

“You don’t want me to answer that punk.” Bucky countered as he rested his chin on his shoulder. “Let’s just say your face would be a lot less pretty with all the dents in your head.”

He did look gorgeous though, even though he usually did to Bucky. The suit jacket was dark blue with a white shirt and a lighter blue tie. It almost matched his eyes Bucky thought. He reached up and ruffled his hair a little, thinking it looked a little too perfect and then stepped back as Steve turned around to him and put his arms around his waist.

“I don’t look anywhere as pretty as you jerk.” He told him, leaning in to plant a kiss on Bucky’s lips. Which he happily accepted. “You always cleaned up nice.”

Bucky smiled at the feel of Steve’s hand in his hair, which he’d elected to leave down today for a change of pace. He had a dark blue jacket of his own over a black shirt and had to admit he looked pretty jazzy himself. His self-confidence was getting better by the day it seemed. And he certainly was not unaware of the attention he sometimes got from others. Even though he only he only had eyes for one himself.

“You gotta get going soon.” He reminded Steve before they to too deep in the kiss. “It’s almost time.”

“I know.” Steve replied, his nose rubbing against Bucky’s, hand wandering over his back. “It’s just hard to keep my hands off you sometimes gorgeous.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and pulled back to give him a saucy look. “You didn’t have enough of me yesterday?” He asked, his eyes slightly hooded. “Cause I’m… still kinda feelin’ that punk.. just sayin’”

Not that he was complaining mind you, but he was a bit sore still, and every time he moved a certain way it brought pleasant memories back. A shiver went through his body thinking of it all. The shower, a couple of times in the art room. Not to mention later in bed. Steve had been insatiable, and Bucky had happily accepted it. Wanting to prove to him, and would continue to try to, that anything goes. To show him he was nothing like the others and never would be.

“Well that’s what you get for keeping me home all day boo bear...” Steve said in that husky voice of his. “All play and no work you know?”

And with that look Bucky knew he better get him moving because he felt his face flush again. It was amazing to him after all this time that they were still this hot for each other. And he had a feeling that wouldn’t change for a while. So he stepped back and moved Steve toward the door.

“Get out of here you.” He told him, giving him a pat on the ass. “Sam’s waiting.”

He gave himself a minute to gather himself, breathing steadily. He’d definitely repay his punk on his birthday that was for sure. Give him all he could handle, cause he already devious plans. But he was also thinking about the things they’d shared as well. The confessing that had done yesterday. How vulnerable Steve had been and maybe still was. How he just wanted to keep taking care of him for a while. Whatever way he could.

It was a more traditional affair than their wedding and took place in a church. And while Bucky was still sort of on the fence about religion right now, he had to admit that it was a nice church. Actually felt a bit warm and welcoming if he was being totally honest.

He watched him during the wedding, never feeling more proud of him than now. Just watched him adoringly, knowing he had the sappiest look of love on his face as he just stared at his gorgeous blond punk. Locking eyes every so often as the vows were read. Remembering their own wedding. Steve’s vow to him to love him until the end of the line. So much had happened before and since and he hadn’t wavered on those vows. Neither of them had.

Looking down at his wrist and seeing the bracelet, which along with his tags and his ring, he never took off. Remembered the day Steve had given it to him, when he’d felt so low and lost after a bad night, and morning. Or when he’d given him his tags, mere hours after he’d nearly given up and came close to ending his own life.

_In case you ever forget who you are Buck_.. he’d said to him then, and Bucky remembered breaking down yet again at the sight of them too. And those words.

Looking at him now, hearing Sam and Pam exchanging their rings, seeing Steve’s eyes meet his, he felt it all over again. Just how much he loved his punk even now. _For better or worse.. in sickness and in health.._

Wanda, who was sitting next to him, smiled and leaned over. “You two are so cute.” She told him, squeezing his hand warmly. “I can’t stand it sometimes.”

He gave a sheepish smile as if caught. “I was just thinking of goofy he still looks in a tux.” He replied, making a vain attempt to cover. “But can you keep a secret kid?”

“Of course I can.” She told him, leaning over to listen. “Tell me.”

“I’m madly in love with that dork.” He said as if conveying an actual secret. “But I got a reputation to keep you know so keep it on the down low.”

She actually laughed quietly. “Well your ‘secret’ is safe with me Sarg.”

At the reception later everyone was well on their way to getting drunk while waiting for the wedding party to return from pictures and what nots. Bucky resisted the temptation to have any, opting for the sparkling cider instead. Which wasn’t half bad really. He was comfortable enough to make polite conversation, especially with the people he knew. And it was amusing to watch many of them, ones he considered friends, once again use the occasion to get drunk, just like they did at his own wedding.

Watching people drink was more fun than actually drinking he’d found.

Going to the counter to get more cider, the girl there smiled at him in that familiar way. “Would you like some wine sir?” She asked, showing him the bottle. “It’s really good.”

“I’m kinda on the wagon.” He told her, giving her his best flirty just for fun. “But thanks anyways doll.”

Like the girl at the coffee shop, she just about swooned. Bucky didn’t know what it was with using that euphemism that just seemed to melt girls these days but it was cute. And also gave him some fun ammo to use on Steve later.

When the wedding party finally got here, Steve wasted no time getting his arms around Bucky, and while he pretended to be annoyed by this, he really was happy to see him. “I missed you...” Steve then whispered in his ear, his hand slightly south of the border now. “Thought we’d never get done with that.”

“You were only gone an hour punk.” Bucky told him, somehow managing to hold onto his glass in spite of the slightly unchaste bear hug he was embroiled in. “How bad could you have missed me?”

Steve pressed his face to his, their eyes as close as possible. “You’re out of my sight for a minute and I miss you boo bear.”

To Bucky this statement was absolutely adorable, but he couldn’t let that show in public either. “I told you not to call me that you dork.” He protested, giving him a playful push away. “Behave yourself.”

He liked throwing back things Steve had said to him in a teasing way. And he was covering his urge to kiss him stupid right there and pull him into the nearest closet. It was tempting as all hell. But being the best man Steve had certain duties and Bucky had to remind of that today.

“You’re gonna have to make a toast soon big guy.” He reminded him, keeping him at arm’s length for the moment. “So keep your hands to yourself until after that at least.”

“That’s asking a lot of me Sergeant Barnes.” Steve told him, one hand still resting on his hip now. “Even I’m not that strong.”

Bucky just gave him a saucy smile and pulled away. “Just for a little longer Captain that’s all.”

They could normally keep their composure in public but recent events had sort of caused this bizarre bubble they were in these days. It didn’t feel unhealthy, it was just born out of need to be close to each other. Especially on Steve’s part with the insecurity and vulnerability lately brought on by his own current bout with PTSD. They went through these hyper periods where they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and according to Amelia it wasn’t that unusual.

It was just that Steve seemed to look at him almost desperately these days and all Bucky wanted to do was provide comfort whatever way he could. The roles were reversed from before that was the only difference he could see.

When it was time for the Best Man speech, he turned his attention back to him again. Watching him intently as he sat with Wanda and the others.

“I first met Sam Wilson about 6 years ago.. well I ran by him several times before I actually met him.” Steve stared, getting a good laugh out of this. “Lets just say he wasn’t fast. But what he lacked in that he made up for in loyalty and honor and he became a very good fried. Really helped at a time when I needed it. “ He looked over at Bucky for a moment. “When I was looking for something I’d lost.”

Bucky himself had known how much Sam had helped Steve and been a great friend for him while he was MIA. And in spite of their initial contentious relationship, had come to see him as a friend too. One that had reached out a hand to help when he needed it the most and really set him on a good road. And he knew Steve was grateful. Knew he’d gained some great friends during that time, which Bucky knew had been difficult.

He’d even went on say several things about their adventures together and got quite a reception including a lot of nostalgic laughs, and Bucky just loved it. His punk was killing it.

“He’s still a bit slow.” Steve continued, getting shout out from Sam. “But he’s still one of my best friends. And Pam well, she’s an amazing woman, a great doctor and great friend. I first met her when she helped us in a dire situation and her dedication hasn’t changed. The two of you are perfect for each other and I know you’ll be happy together.” He then added to this after having a little more of his wine. “It’s a rare gift to find that one person who understands you, whose there for you when need them and not only accepts your flaws but embraces them. “ He looked over Bucky’s way again and smiled. “I found mine when I was 7 years old I don’t know what I do without him.”

Bucky crossed his arms for a moment as if to look stern to mask just how much this affected him to hear. He shook his head and then gave the love of his life a smile to tell him he was going to get something for that statement later. Something good.

There was a toast raised to the bride and groom that everyone joined in, including Bucky with his glass of cider, he continued to stare at Steve over his glass until those festivities were over and he could get near him again. Leaning over the table he got a hold of his tie and gave him a teasing kiss before pulling back and smiling that smile at him again.

“Nice speech punk.” He whispered to him. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

Steve just looked up at him with a twinkle in his own eyes. “I meant every word jerk.”

“Just remember to save a dance for me Captain.” He told him as he pulled back a little teasingly. “After you’re done making the rounds that is.”

Steve reached out on hand and rested it on Bucky’s flesh one, which was still braced on the table. “Do I have to make a reservation Sergeant?”

Bucky took a took a chip from Steve’s plate with his metal hand and popped in his mouth. “Maybe.” He answered playfully. “I mean that girl over there been eyeing me all day so.. if you’re too busy..”

He saw what he loved to see, that little bit of jealousy in his eyes. Remembering how ornery he’d get when people would hit on him when they were younger. Recalling the way his little punk would climb on him later at home to re-establish his territory. Fun times indeed.

And some things didn’t change.

They both knew it was just a public show, but it was fun to this day to play on that a little. It always led to the same place.

“You better save all your dances for me sweetheart.” Steve said in a slightly growly voice. “Cause I don’t share.”

Bucky gave him his sauciest smile to date and stood up. “Well then don’t keep me waiting too long Captain..”

He sauntered away after that, making sure to give him a nice view as he did. He had a pretty good idea he’d pay for this teasing later but right now it was fun. To see Steve not so troubled and enjoying himself. And to not have to worry about him either. Enough that he himself could mingle around and enjoy what his friends were up to.

Which of course included a drinking game again. Which Nat was currently winning by a landslide. The lady could hold her liquor that was for damn sure. Not that Tony wasn’t keeping up, or Clint for that matter. Even the groom got in on it too.

“If Barnes was in this he’d be kicking all our asses.” Sam declared, putting down a shot of whiskey. “Ain’t that right Barnes?”

“Yeah fortunately for you Wilson I quit drinking for a while.” He told him, pulling up a chair and sitting on it backwards. “So someone else is gonna have to kick your ass this time.”

“I can’t even imagine doing that.. it would be like losing a limb or something.” Tony declared and caught himself. “Sorry Barnes.. forgot about.. you know..”

Bucky actually laughed at this, which was to him another sign of where he was now. It used to recall a memory of not once, but twice of losing his arm and a slight withdrawal. Especially if it was Tony that mentioned it, seeing as how he was the arbiter of the second loss. But now it was okay, even welcome to joke about it a bit, so he didn’t mind.

“I am not getting my ass kicked Barnes.” Sam corrected. “I am choosing to lose cause I got other plans tonight.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Is that what you’re calling it now?” He said with a snort. “I’ve heard that one before from some skinny little punk more than once, so I know bullshit when I hear it.”

Speaking of who he’d heard it from, he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see his own husband staring down at him, which caused him to grin a bit. “Don’t believe anything he says about me.” Steve told them. “I didn’t choose to lose any fights, I was wearing them down.”

“You’re so cute Rogers.” Bucky told him as continued to look up at him upside down. “I should tell them about the time I found you-“

“That’s enough.” Steve said cutting him off and wrapping and around him to lift hm out of the chair. “No more stories jerk let’s go.”

Bucky was actually lifted a little off his feet, which amused and turned him on a little every time. “See he’s trying to silence me.” He declared to everyone as he was being pulled away. “He knows I got all the dirt on him.”

He was led further away and turned around and pulled close to Steve to look in his eyes. And he loved the look he saw in them. That slightly stern and even a little possessive look that always made him a little weak in the knees. So he got a hold of the lapels of his jacket and smiled seductively.

“I like when you go all caveman me punk.” He purred to him, turning his face so their lips were closer. “I really do.”

“Is that so jerk?” Steve asked as if he didn’t know. “You want me toss you over my shoulder and carry you off to my cave?” He pulled him closer to him. “Is that what you want?”

Buck let his eyes gleam in answer to that. He wanted to keep on showing him that rough measure were perfectly fine with him. Hell, he’d done it the other day, thew him over his shoulder and tossed him on the bed and Bucky recalled it was the best sex he’d had in quite a while. But he knew Steve was still on the fence about these things sometimes. Still fighting his own doubt about having similar proclivities as the other one. Bucky was determined to keep showing him the truth. That when it came to him, anything goes.

“And where would that cave be?” Bucky asked, his lips a mere inch away. “And when can I look forward to that?”

There were plenty of rooms and closets and bathrooms. And it wasn’t like that didn’t go down at a lot of wedding receptions. Hell, it was almost traditional. And Bucky was practically daring him now to do it. He was just so damn horny he could help it. Eyeing Steve all day in that suit, hearing that lovely speech had just lit the fire that had re-kindled over the last few days.

Steve just smiled knowingly and pulled him through the nearest double door as stealthily as possible. Both of them were very good at leaving unnoticed. And when they were out of sight, he did lift him over his shoulder, his hand firmly on Bucky’s ass as he held him there, walking through a couple of doors to find a suitable place for some discreet hanky panky.

He was then put down on a table and kissed fiercely, Steve’s hand gripping his hair as their tongues hungrily clashed. He wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist and gripped his tie, loosening it as he did. Steve’s other hand well, well undoing some clothing before pulling back and yanking off Bucky’s trousers roughly.

“Fuck you look so hot today sweetheart.” He growled, gripping Bucky’s thighs and pulling them around his hips. “I’m about to burst.”

Bucky’s eyes rolled in his head at the way Steve called him that, and used his tie to pull him closer, feeling exactly what Steve meant by that. “Well we don’t want that now do we doll-face..” He purred. “Could be embarrassing.” He yanked the tie roughly, his breathing quickening. “So let’s take care of it shall we?”

Steve growled again, gripping his hips and plunged into him quick and deep. Bucky moaned and fell back on the table, still holding his tie and pulling on it repeatedly as he was fucked right there on that table. Steve’s grunts and growls music to his ears. He was so forceful, pounding him deliciously, and Bucky could barely contain his own moans and cries as a result. Knew he’d be walking funny the rest of the night but didn’t give a shit. Just wrapped his legs tighter around Steve and let it loose.

What a fun day this was turning out to be. A great one to be alive in his opinion.

\--

Oh did that feel good. Such a sweet release Steve thought later.

After he’d finally finished, Steve wrapped an arm around Bucky’s waist and pulled him up to kiss him languidly. Could feel the metal hand grip his lapels as if to keep from falling back as he sat there on what had turned out to be a very sturdy table, his legs still tightly wrapped around Steve. Their bodies still connected sweetly.

“Damn punk.” Bucky gasped against his lips. “I think you broke me.”

Steve shifted slightly against causing a thick moan of appreciation from Bucky. When he pulled back he admired the way Bucky looked, his hair a little messed up, eyes glazed, lips swollen. He was a vision of satisfaction. A beautiful sight.

“Well I’ll just have to fix you later boo bear.” He told him, his hands sliding over those bare thighs. “I’ll always be your handyman..”

He felt Bucky’s metal hand brush his hair as he looked at him lovingly. “You’re so much more that to me.” He told him with shining eyes. “You’re my whole world.”

He planted another sweet kiss on Steve’s lips, and whined softly into it every time they moved or shifted. Because Steve still hadn’t left his body yet. And the way Bucky’s legs were clamped around him it was like he had no urge to let him leave yet.

“I really loved your speech.” He continued, his metal hand now embedded in Steve’s hair. “What you said just… I felt it..”

“I meant every part of it Buck.” Steve replied, continuing to stroke his hips and thighs sweetly. “It was always you… always.”

He moved his body against him, giving him more pleasure as he did. Bucky’s head rolled back boelessly before Steve caught it with his hand and kissed him again, holding his lips to his as he gave him a few more soft pumps to draw another sweet climax out of his body, and felt him cling to him breathlessly, pulling his lips away and burying his face in shoulder to catch his breath.

They took a few more minutes like that before finally separating and helping each other get straightened up. Bucky redoing Steve’s tie as Steve smoothed back his hair again. His face still looked flushed and a discerning eye would be able to tell what they’d been up to, but it was all about appearances.

As they fixed themselves up Steve was starting to feel a bit more relaxed about things in general. Understanding in a way that this was the way they were in many ways. That maybe it was okay to be a bit rough when he wanted to be. He wasn’t all the way there but almost. Bucky was wearing him down.

“We should definitely do this more often.” He mused as they finished straightening up.

“We you know me punk.” Bucky answered, finishing up fixing Steve’s tie. “I’m up for anything.” He smiled saucily at Steve. “Any time, any place.” He licked his lips and rubbed Steve’s nose with his own. “I think we’ve earned the right to be a bit reckless.”

Steve wrapped and arm around his waist as they turned to exit. “I think you’re right jerk.”

Back out in the reception hall they got a few knowing looks but no judgement. Steve was sure they weren’t the only ones to sneak off and have a little fun either. He was amused that Bucky was walking just a bit funny, just enough for him to notice. Yet doing his best to cover it as well. Which gave him a sense of satisfaction at a job well done.

And made him very eager to do those repairs later as well.

He vowed he wasn’t going to feel ashamed or afraid of wanting him too much. Wasn’t going to worry as much about hurting him. Of being like them. The look in Bucky’s eves every time was showing he wasn’t. And never would be. It a process he was working through but he getting closer by the day.

“Now how about that dance punk?” Bucky asked, shaking him out of his thoughts.

“Of course jerk.” He told him, taking his hand. “Lead the way.”

The music played softly as he stepped into his husband’s arms, holding him close as he did. Bucky’s metal hand clasped in Steve’s, their heads pressed to together as they swayed along with the other couples, including the bride and groom.

“_'Cause all of me loves all of you  
Love your curves and all your edges  
All your perfect imperfections  
Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you  
You're my end and my beginning  
Even when I lose, I'm winning  
'Cause I give you all of me  
And you give me all of you, oh”_

The song played on as Steve leaned in closer to Bucky, putting his hand in his hair. “Thank you Buck.”

Bucky looked a little confused for a moment. “For what?”

“You said I was your sunshine.” He explained, his eyes looking deep into his. “And I accept that but.. you.. you’re my lighthouse.” He smiled softly. “Whenever there was a storm you… showed me the way to go every time.”

It sounded corny as hell, but he meant it. He hadn’t realized just how much Bucky had helped him all along, given him purpose. Inspired him to be better. While he was out taking on the world Bucky had been a compass for him, pointing to true north and he’d never really realized it until recently. Until his own moorings had come loose, and he started drifting. It was Bucky that had anchored him again.

Even with all the hell he’d been through, he was still guiding him Steve knew and it was just such an epiphany to him now.

“Wo punk that was really profound.” Bucky said in a teasing way, but Steve could see the emotion in his teal blue eyes. “Bet your head hurts now don’t it?”

Steve pressed his face against Bucky’s and smiled. “You’re kind of an asshole too.” He whispered to him. “You know that?”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, turning his head to let their lips touch. “But you love it don’t you?”

“Uh huh.” Steve said as he closed the distance. “I sure do.” He got a handful of his hair and gripped as their lips met. “I love everything about you.”

Then their lips were together as they continued to dance. Oblivious to everyone and everything else around them. The whole world was them and they lived in that moment. Happy, in love and amongst friends.

“You’re still grounded by the way.” Bucky said against his lips, throwing his arms around Steve’s neck. “No matter how sweet you’re being punk.”

Steve smiled, his hand not so discreetly moving south. “Well if that’s the case..” He whispered to him. “I couldn’t think of a better person to be grounded with.”

It would be interesting that was for sure. And at the end of the week was his birthday too. He had an idea Bucky had plans for him, but he was being mum about it of course. And for the first time in a long time he was actually excited to celebrate it. Most times, like Bucky, he felt little need to celebrate but this year, he was really looking forward to it.

“So does this extend to my birthday?” He asked in his ear as they continued to dance.

“If that’s your way of digging for information punk it ain’t gonna work.” Bucky answered with a Cheshire Cat grin. “You’re just gonna have wait like a like a good boy.”

“Okay jerk keep your secrets.” Steve answered, letting his hand discreetly squeeze his ass. “But you know what they say about teases right?”

Bucky just grinned that much more at that and wiggled his ass in Steve’s hand teasingly. “Is that a threat Rogers cause I kinda like it.”

Steve just shook his head and kissed him again right in the middle of the dance floor. Thinking this was a very good day indeed. And he looked forward to more over the coming week. And for some piece of mind as well. With Bucky’s help, he believed both could be achieved.

For now he just enjoyed the moment for what it was. He was dancing with his husband at his best’s friend’s wedding and it was good. Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright where do I start with this one. 
> 
> Steve's obvious boil over in the UK was probably inevitable. Not that the guy he beat didn't deserve it, as Bucky thought, he's involved with the wrong people and probably should've kept his mouth shut. But those kind of assholes can't resist. But this made clear that the Colonel definitely got inside Steve's head a bit as Bucky feared. It was what he was worried about letting learn everything, and maybe why he still holds some details back. But he also right in saying that getting revenge is not going to make Steve feel any better, and Bucky spoke from experience there. 
> 
> What we are seeing in a lot of ways is the central theme of this chapter, that Bucky knows him best and understands why he does what he does. He knows that that tiny, angry punk he loves so much is still in there and is still hurting over a lot of things. He knows that Steve tends to bottle up and internalize just like he himself did, and he knows how to deal with this. So I wanted him to be soft but also firm as well. To show sympathy but not let him off the hook either. Hence the 'grounding' 
> 
> The shower was a lot of fun and a suggestion from a reader that i put my own spin on. I thought it would interesting if the Soldier did that considering his history of taking over for Bucky when he being abused and forced to do it. For that part of Bucky to really embrace this as truly intimate act and not a duty. And to show the Soldier's dedication to helping Steve overcome his concerns about the fact that he likes to be rough too. That he's still learning how okay that is. Its why the smut was so prevalent in this chapter as a result. To one again deepen the intimacy level and to let them cut loose a little. 
> 
> The discussion about Sarah's death was something I wanted to do for a while and I was glad I was finally able to tackle it. She died of tuberculosis and for those not familiar with it, it's a respiratory infection that up until recent history was fatal. I was old enough to be tested for it in school. It is highly contagious (similar to a certain virus we are all aware of) and would be deadly to someone like Steve who had asthma and other health problems, so it would stand to reason that Steve wouldn't be allowed near her in the later stages. I thought it was an interesting insight into Steve and and a nice mix of canon and my own interpretation. Just a nice moment for them in general. 
> 
> The wedding is fun, it's always fun to get out boys into a social setting like that and watch them just be adorable muffins with each other. And it was another good excuse for them to recall their own wedding as well. And their friends like to drink, and Bucky may have a few more recollections of the reception int he next chapter as well. Which of course was set up by the birthday conversation. 
> 
> The song quoted was "All of Me" by the very talented John Legend, a song i've drawn a lot of inspiration from for these fics. And I also was inspired by the song "You Carried Me With You" by Brandi Caryle from the movie "Onward" as well. 
> 
> I also wanted to mention how pained I was to hear of Chadwick Bosman's death. I loved him and the character of T'Challa and I would to find a way to work him into this fic before it's done RIP Chadwick, you were one of kind <3
> 
> The next chapter will feature at least one of those Easter Egg items I mentioned and lets just say an interesting phone call for Bucky. And you'll see what got for a present for Steve and what he has planned as well. I don't know once again how much longer this fic will be, it depends on how the next chapter goes and what I'm able to accomplish. But I'm guaranteeing an expansion on the previous two as Steve starts to recover too. As they recover together. 
> 
> Once again thank you for all the comments I love you all <3<3


	29. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual 
> 
> (I'm a day early yaaaay)

He woke up with a headache, a bitch of one too. And his bones were aching as well. When he’d painfully opened his eyes, he saw why.

It was raining. Hard. Pelting the window. Fabulous.

It had been almost a week since the wedding and Bucky had made good on his promise to keep Steve home for that period of time. And with the others scattered hither and yon on assignments, honeymoons and what not, it had been easier to do. It had also created this little bubble they were living in now, where they didn’t seem want to be apart from each other too much, almost like a separation anxiety.

Even in bed they seemed to hold each other close. Steve still battling nightmares among other things. Not that Bucky was completely immune to those now either. He would always have those. Their solution was literally lay so close you couldn’t even slide a piece of paper between their bodies.

Bucky had only left the house a couple of times during this ‘bubble’ period, preferring to stay home lately. It was too damn hot out anyways. And anyone who lived in the city knew how hideous that could be. The abundance of concrete made it even hotter. So he was happy to stay in the A/C, only leaving for appointments and necessities. And had mostly okay until today.

Steve had let him sleep in a little, already awake for an appointment and errands, but could tell Bucky wasn’t feeling well. The first clue was the weather of course. The second was the way he’d grumble and shrink under the blankets, even though the rainclouds had had made the room pretty dark. And Bucky hated when this happened, especially in the midst of Steve’s own recovery, and his frustration over it made the headache worse.

“Maybe I should cancel my appointment today.” Steve suggested, his cool hand on the top of Bucky’s head. “Cause I don’t like you leaving you like this.”

Bucky got a little more irritated, peeking out from under the covers. “Oh hell no punk,” He grumbled, blinking against the low light. “You ain’t using this to weasel out of seeing your therapist.”

He wanted Steve to go to his therapist, to keep his appointments. And he knew Steve’s outward reason was concern for him, but Bucky was worried that something would always come up to delay this. He didn’t want to give a reason to skip on something as important as his mental health right now. Not even on the day before his birthday.

“Bucky I can reschedule it’s no big deal.”

“It is a big deal!” Bucky said a little forcefully, causing a sharp pain to go through his head. “I’ll be fine I’m a big boy.”

He saw Steve sort of smile at this a little through his squinting eyes. “Okay jerk if you insist.” He told him in as gentle a voice as possible. “Can I at least get you an ice pack?”

“Sure.” Bucky answered, feeling a bit softer himself when he looked up at Steve. “Maybe I can get the asshole with the hammer to freeze to death or something..”

It felt like an army of assholes hammering to be honest. When he got headaches, they were bad. He never half-assed anything it seemed. Pam had told him it just the long-term effects of the massive concussion he suffered among other things. It, along with the achy bones, were just made worse by low pressure so the weather was not helping.

Steve had retrieved the pack for him, there was always one in the small freeze they kept upstairs just in case. There was some relief with it, but he knew it wasn’t going to last. And Steve knew that too. “If it gets any worse let me know okay?” He told him, giving him a soft kiss on the head. “And I’ll take you to the Medical Center for something stronger.”

Pam was still on her honeymoon, but she had an assistant who was up to speed on Bucky’s condition and could help if it became unbearable, which it sometimes did. To the point where he couldn’t sleep or think or even eat without getting sick. But Bucky had figured something out that he’d only mentioned in therapy to Amelia. Another method of relief.

The Soldier didn’t experience the headaches. Whenever Bucky flipped into him, which he did once when his head really hurt, the pain went away for a while. He’d asked Amelia why this happened and while she wasn’t sure, she had a theory.

“From what I’ve gleaned, whenever you were in pain was when you would retreat into your head.” She’d explained the other day. “One of the reasons you developed the Soldier personality was his resistance to pain and maybe that’s the reason.”

Whatever the reason, if this got worse before Steve got home, he would attempt to slide into that part of his mind so he himself could rest without pain. And give the Soldier a little time as well. Right now , he just wanted to get Steve out of the house and to his therapist before he had second thoughts about leaving him.

“I’ll be fine punk.” He attempted to reassure him. “I swear.”

Steve gave him another soft kiss. “That’s my brave boo bear.”

As much he pretended to be irritated by that nickname, he actually liked it now. And he smiled back at Steve and gave him a playful shove. “Get outta here you dork before I kick you out.”

“Such a grumpy bear too.” Steve said with a chuckle. “Love you.”

“Yeah yeah.” Bucky grumbled, ducking under the covers again. “Love you too.”

When he was alone, with Arya curled up next to him, he tried taking some medicine and drank a little tea before putting the ice pack back on his head and curling up. Tried to sleep again. But the aches and pains and the headache made it almost impossible and were putting him in a low state where he was reminded of the source of these issues.

Being in this state brought the bad memories back, turning a rough day into a very bad one.

So he tried to focus on Steve’s birthday tomorrow, and the fact that the present was supposed to come today. Along with another package he was expecting as well. The second one wasn’t as joyous but more of a task that had to be done. But he could barely get up right now, even though his phone was pinging the packages were on their way.

He decided after nearly a half an hour more of misery to try and alleviate the pain in that other way. Calling on the Soldier, sending a signal that he needed him to just, handle things for a while. He would linger around if there were questions, but he needed to shut the pain center of his brain off for a little bit. And did. Which brough immediate relief and a sense of calm. Of being carried in a sense.

The Soldier for his part was able to get out of the bed, moving aside the little furry creature Bucky called Arya, gently aside. She seemed to like him too, and the Soldier liked her. There was no threat here and the little creature had a calming effect on him. Especially with that sweet little noise she made he rubbed her fur.

First thing he had to do was get some clothes. The Soldier wasn’t always familiar with wardrobe choices, Bucky usually made those. And before hm, the others. But he was able to fine items that were adequate. And mostly black.

When he was dressed, he looked at himself in the mirror fascinated by what he saw. The Soldier hadn’t spent a lot of time studying himself, didn’t care for mirrors to be honest. They had mirrors in the… room. Ones they used to watch him he knew. There were still times when he looked in one in this house and briefly believed he might being watched.

But Bucky said these were okay. No one was watching them right now. So the Soldier relaxed his posture and simply stared into it.

He had longish brown hair and blue eyes. Not blue like Steve’s, which the Soldier loved gazing into, but a different shade of blue. His metal arm was different than the one he’d been ‘born’ with. Different shade of silver, and a different color star. This one was white, like the one on the Shield that hung in the room downstairs. The Soldier rather liked it. It didn’t belong to ‘them’.

Steve said he was ‘beautiful’ but the Soldier wasn’t necessarily sure what that meant. He had to search Bucky’s memories to figure that out. _Beautiful._. Bucky had informed. _Like Steve’s eyes. Like Steve period._

If that’s what beautiful was, The Soldier did not think he compared with his Steve. Not at all.

He eventually made his way downstairs and heard a sound at the door. Which immediately made him nervous, because Steve always came in the other door. It put him on guard. _It’s the mail.._ Bucky said in his head. _Steve’s birthday present.. got get it.. it’s safe._

The Soldier did just that, but not before carefully checking the security camera, which he’d seen Bucky do countless time. And sure enough there were items on the porch. Two of them. So he opened the door and picked them up, bringing them into the kitchen and placing them on the island in the middle. Bucky had said _A present_. Not presents. There were two here and he questioned this.

_The flat one goes upstairs in the desk.._ Bucky said in his head again, sounding tired. _In the room with the paintings._

The Solider knew which room that was, and brought it up, putting it in the drawer. It felt light and was rectangular shaped. He was curious but had a feeling he shouldn’t open it. There was something familiar and a little ominous about the shape of it. He put in the drawer like Bucky and turned to look at that room he was in.

He liked this room. It felt nice and safe. There were pretty pictures on the wall. One of him he saw. He studied it for a moment, remembering his reflection as he did. Put his fingers on it and touched the paint almost reverently. Bucky made this. He knew that. He’d been present when he painted sometimes.

He was distracted by the rumble in his stomach, which he knew meant he was hungry. The Soldier was very familiar with hunger. So he left the room and went back downstairs to get food.

Before he got the food though he remembered the other package, and Bucky seemed okay with him looking at this, so he opened it and looked inside curiously.

He smiled to himself when he looked at what was inside, before closing the box back up carefully. Yes Steve would like that a lot. He was understanding Birthdays and presents. Remembering Bucky had one several months ago in that really warm pretty place they’d went after the bad stuff had happened. And was happy he could celebrate Steve’s too. Bucky said he’d be a big part of it. And Bucky didn’t lie to him. Never had.

Bucky had been the one to warn him about how bad the other people were. That they were lying, and the Soldier hadn’t really listened at first. Had been somewhat confused by the memories of this ‘Steve’ in his head. But Bucky had kept insisting, even when he was hiding, that these things were true.

And he’d been right.

He was really hungry now, he could feel his stomach rumbling a little more. And with the help of their shared memories, because Bucky was resting now, he was able to make himself a bowl of cereal and eat it. He wasn’t sure where Steve was, but he missed him already. The house seemed big and dark when he wasn’t here.

Then the little creature called Arya jumped in his lap and made that sweet little noise and he smiled, unable to help it, and petted her back. “Hi.” He said to her as she purred in his lap. “You like this?”

He was petting her with his metal hand, which caused her to make that sound even louder and the Soldier was surprised by how much he liked that sound. And the vibration in his lap. He’d never done this like this before coming here. He had tasks and missions, and this was just so different to him. Soothing, More satisfying.

“We like this too.” He told Arya, smiling even more. “We like it a lot.”

The Solider found he was liking a lot of things it seemed. And was happy to be useful in some way. He didn’t feel the pain the way Bucky did. He had a little ache in his body but nothing like the agony his counterpart was in when he took over.

He sat there for a while, just eating and petting the cat, his legs swinging in the chair almost like a child. Non one was asking him to hurt anyone anymore. No one was hurting him. He was still learning what life was really like, and he was enjoying it. Finding he liked the peace and quiet.

And wanting to do and learn more things. Was grateful to Bucky for letting him to this. For giving him the dime to experience life unbound from his masters. Where he could make choices for himself. It was so freeing.

So he smiled and ate the sugary cereal, which he liked a lot too, and waited for his Steve to come home so he could see those eyes. Those beautiful eyes that made him feel special and loved. He could wait to see them again.

\--

When Steve got home, he assumed Bucky was still upstairs because the light wasn’t on. It was supposed to be stormy all day and it was darker than normal for nearly noon time. So he was surprised when he felt a pair of hands wrap around him from behind. And a pair of soft lips on his neck.

He had a couple of pizzas for them if Bucky was feeling better and it looked like he was. He put the pizzas down and smiled about to ask him if he was hungry but was surprised when he spoke first. Not that he spoked but what he said.

“We missed our Steve.” He whispered in his hair. “Lonely.”

Steve wrinkled his brow a little, confused. “Soldier?” He asked. “Where’s Bucky?”

“Bucky is in pain.” The Soldier answered. “Resting.”

He was suddenly a bit worried that maybe Bucky had passed out or something, so he turned around in his arms and put his hands on the Soldier’s face. “Is he okay?” He asked, letting the Soldier see he was worried. “Where is he?”

“When this hurts.” The Soldier answered, pointing to his head. “I come out sometimes so he can rest. He asks me to.”

“Okay.” Steve answered, and looked in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“We feel good.” He answered, shaking his head. “Our head doesn’t hurt.”

This was interesting to Steve, that when this part was out, Bucky didn’t experience a headache. He wondered when Bucky had figured this out. And why he hadn’t mentioned it yet. He’d asked him later he supposed. When he was himself again.

“So he’s just… resting?” Steve asked again.

“Yes.” The Soldier answered, reaching a hand up to touch Steve’s face. “We’ll take care of our Steve right now.”

There was something sweet about that statement, something in the way his face seemed to light up a little. There was almost an innocent wonder there, mixed with love that just made him beautiful. This other part of Bucky that had been allowed back in. That was sharing the space in his head. Co-existing together instead of one absorbing the other.

He couldn’t help himself and kissed him softly, feeling that metal hand on his neck as he did. The Soldier seemed to just fill him with a gentle kind of love to go along with the strong desire he always brought. And Steve had struggled for a long time to understand why these feelings came out of him. Even though he knew he was just another part of Bucky.

He thought maybe it was the strange innocence, born in violence that was the cause of it.

Whatever it was, he loved this part of Bucky just as fiercely as the other part. It showed up in the sweet kiss that linger for almost a minute. When he pulled back, he just looked in those teal-blue eyes and smiled softy at him.

“You can take care of me if you want Soldier.” He told him, still holding his face. “I’ll let you.”

The Soldier just embraced him, arms around his neck. “We love our Steve.”

“I love you too.” He whispered into his hair. “My Soldier.”

After a moment of this, the Soldier seemed to notice the pizza box on the island. “What is that?” He asked curiously. “Smell good.”

Steve had almost forgotten about this. “I brought some pizza home. You hungry?”

“Pizza?” The Soldier asked and then smiled that beautiful smile again. “Bucky likes pizza.”

“Then I’m sure you’ll like it too.” Steve told him and motioned to the stool. “Have a seat and I’ll get some soda.”

The Soldier hopped up on the stool and opened the box as Steve got the drinks, and by the time he got back, was already stuffing his face with a piece of pepperoni pizza. It was the most adorable thing ever. He was almost like a child sometimes, and maybe that was the point he supped. The basis of those protective feelings in him. Steve thought maybe this wasn’t a bad thing right now. If Bucky needed to rest in his head, it seemed like a good way to do it.

And Steve thought it would be nice to show the Soldier more than just the bed stuff. To show him he could do a lot of things, just like Bucky. He knew that this did also help Bucky too. If that part of his mind could realize that certain things weren’t expected of him, it would be good too. And that he could do, well, normal things. Even though Bucky had been good lately, there were still areas that needed working on too.

And he felt the benefit of it too. Was feeling a bit better himself lately.

“You don’t have to eat it all once you know?” He told him, wiping his face with a napkin. “There’s plenty of it for both of us.”

The Soldier seemed surprised by this, holding a half-eaten piece of pizza in his hand. And Steve remembered something Bucky mentioned once. _They gave me a little food and then they’d take it away again so you had to eat fast._ Thinking maybe the Soldier’s thoughts on this were still there. This part of Bucky’s mind was still a bit traumatized in many ways, even if he’d gotten remarkably better over the last 2 months.

“No one’s gonna take it away Soldier.” He assured him. “You can eat as much as you want.”

The Soldier just smiled at him, a Bucky smile if there ever was on. “We like pizza.”

“Knew you would.” He said as he ate a piece himself. “Everyone likes pizza.”

The Soldier, upon hearing this, almost ate a whole pizza by himself after that and then after drinking some of the soda, burped loudly and covered his mouth, which Steve thought was adorable. He then climbed off his chair and onto Steve’s lap, kissing him again as he did.

“We like this.” He whispered to Steve, nuzzling his face against his. “We like it a lot.”

He was just so beautiful, Steve wanted to just take him to bed right there, but decided that for now, he’d do some other things with him today. Other things. It was still raining outside but he thought maybe they could go for a walk anyways. Let him explore a little while he was out.

“Wanna go for a walk?” He asked, trailing a finger over his jaw. “With me?”

The Soldier looked confused at first and it seemed like he did a search in his head, eyes drifting to the right for a minute as he did. He then focused back on Steve and smiled again. “Yes we would like that too.”

He noticed the package on the island as they got up and motioned to it. “What’s that?”

“Birthday present.” The Soldier said promptly as he landed lightly on his feet. “Bucky says Steve can’t see it until tomorrow.”

“Oh dd he now?” Steve observed, feeling even more curious. “So I can’t peek.”

The Soldier seemed to think for a moment and then gave a knowing smile. “No.” He said simply and moved the box away. “Not until tomorrow.”

“Alright you two keep your secrets.” Steve told him, wrapping an arm around his waist. “I guess I can wait.”

He retrieved Bucky’s boots for the Soldier, who he noticed was wearing all black. A t-black t-shirt and a pair of jeans of the same color. When he put the boots on, the resemblance to the way he’d looked when he’d first seen him was uncanny. And it caused a desire in him again. He didn’t remember if he’d ever admitted to Bucky that he’d rather liked the outfit he wore then. It seemed so weird and abnormal considering the circumstances. Almost made him feel ashamed, but the feeling was hard to ignore.

He looked so damn good in black. Like something out of his deeper fantasies.

Shaking it off, Steve took his metal hand, holding the umbrella in the other and led him outside into the rain. The Soldier seemed nervous at first, not necessarily comfortable yet with leaving the safe confines of their house, but went willingly enough with Steve. Who then put his arm around him so they both could walk under the umbrella.

He seemed to look around suspiciously, especially at anyone nearby, but Steve just tightened his arm around him. “It’s okay.” He whispered in his ear. “They’re not gonna hurt us.”

After a while he seemed to relax and even kicked the puddles a bit. Playfully. And Steve was reminded of when he and Bucky were kids, how they liked to run out in the rain and jump in the puddles. Especially during those relief storms that came after heat waves. Remembering the way Bucky’s brown hair would flop and spray water everywhere as he did. The way he’d smile when he did it. When they were both far more innocent.

As if on cue, the Soldier stepped out of his arms and out from under the umbrella. And before Steve could even blink just jumped in a puddle and made a splash. It wasn’t long before he was soaked and grinning at Steve.

“Bucky says we used to do this.” He told him. “That splashing was fun.”

Steve put the umbrella against the sign behind him, letting himself get soaked too as he walked over and pulled him into his arms. “That’s because it is.”

“We like this.” The Soldier said to him, leaning to kiss him. “We this a lot too.”

They kissed right there on the street corner, cars passing by, sometimes kicking up water and splashing them occasionally. They didn’t care, they were already soaked. Steve ran his hand over his wet back, feeling the muscles move through the shirt, his other hand gripping his soaked hair and pulled him closer, kissing deeper and stronger until their tongues dances sweetly together.

And thought that today was the first time in weeks he felt more himself too. Feeling like he was starting to mend a little.

Pulling back he smiled at his Soldier and smoothed his wet hair back as he looked in his shining eyes. The way the water droplets rested on his now swollen lips. “I like doing this too.” He told him, still holding him close. “With you.”

“We want to do more.” The Soldier replied, nuzzling his face against Steve’s. “Can we?”

“Sure we can.” Steve told him, smiling at him. “We can do whatever you want.”

The Soldier pulled back from him and took his hand in his metal one. “Walk some.” He declared, their fingers entwining together. “With Steve.”

They started walking, their hands swinging together as they did, and Steve could see the Soldier just taking in the scenery around him. Even in the dreary weather he was fascinated, as if seeing it in a new way. Not just as a background for a mission, but really seeing it a spectator. As a human being.

He looked at their linked hands, seeing the wedding ring on the Soldier’s finger. He wasn’t just his Soldier he was his husband too. And he wondered if he realized this. So he stopped him on the street under a tree and picked up the metal hand with both his and looked in his eyes.

“Do you know what this is?” He asked, not sure if he’d ever asked. “This here?”

The Soldier seemed to think in that searching way for a moment before answering. “Wedding ring.” He sated simply. “Steve has one too.”

“Yes.” Steve answered, running his hand over it. “I do.” He lifted the hand and kissed it. “It means that we will always be together. That I’ll never leave you.” He wrapped his other arm around his waist and pulled him a little closer. “I promise Soldier. Never.”

The Soldier smiled at him, it lit up his face as he did. “Our Steve.” He whispered, leaning and touching their lips together. “Ours forever?”

“Yes Soldier.” Steve told him as their lips met again. “Forever.”

With that promise they kissed again, under a tree this time, the rain continuing to pound the ground around them as they did. Hands now clasped at their sides. Letting them both feel the others rings as sign of this commitment. It was such a perfect moment that Steve never wanted to forget and wouldn’t ever. Not for a long time.

\--

The Soldier was definitely enjoying himself today. Finding that he liked taking walks. He liked the rain. He liked kissing Steve in it. It was like in the shower only all around them. He was understanding why Bucky liked to do these things. And was grateful Bucky gave him the time to do them too.

Every he’d look down at that ring shining on his finger and felt a wave go through at what Steve had said about it. _It means we will always be together, that I’ll never leave you. _

It meant that they were bonded forever. And not by forceful restraint or duty. But with a powerful love the Soldier could feel throughout his entire being. He’d never felt anything like this before Steve and never wanted to be without it every again. He had gone from mistrusting and almost killing Steve, as both a mission and being fearful, to willing to do absolutely anything for him. He would destroy the world if Steve asked him to. He just loved him that much.

He had finally undertood why Bucky had fought so hard, for so long.

He looked over at Steve, so beautiful, so perfect. And theirs. _He married us both._. Bucky said dep in his head. _Because he loves us both._

Steve turned at that moment and saw the Soldier looking at him, causing his face to feel strangely hot and he turned away almost shyly. But then turned back to look in those eyes again.

“What is it Soldier?” Steve asked him, squeezing his hand again.

“We love our Steve.” He said back, meeting his gaze. “That’s all.”

Steve just smile back at him. “I love you too Soldier.”

They walked in the rain a little more, headless of being wet now. In fact, after a while he didn’t notice. Just held Steve’s hand and smiled at him. And splashed in a puddle on a whim. And kissed him. It was a whole new thing. New experiences that he’d realized he’d gone without. His life was all about missions and subservience, but Steve had woken him up to the freedom he now had. Where he wasn’t being hurt. Wasn’t being asked to do terrible things.

He was making pleasant memories of his own now. He felt happy.

When they came back to the place that was his hone now, Steve took him in the bathroom and started taking his clothes off. And at the Soldier wrapped his arms around him, thinking they were going to do the sex thing. But Steve gently held him back, confusing him a bit.

“We don’t always have to do that okay?” Steve told him, his hand on his face. “You don’t always have to.” He then kissed his head and smiled at him. “Its not always just about that Soldier.”

He wasn’t sure what to make of this at first. Usually when he was naked it meant he had to do things. Sex things. And it felt the same with Steve, even though he knew Steve loved him, he’d been trained to believe certain things were expected of him. It was still a mindset that even Bucky sometimes lapsed into.

“He always wanted that.” The Soldier said as he stood there, letting Steve pull of his remaining wet clothes. “We had to do it.” He lowered his head, feeling ashamed. “We didn’t want to.”

Steve grabbed a towel and started drying him off. “I know you didn’t.” He replied, sounding a little angry to the Soldier, but it didn’t seem to be toward him. “I’m not him.” He then finished drying him and put his hands on his face. “I’ll never hurt you like that.” He looked into his eyes with a soft look. “I’ll never make you do anything do anything you don’t want to do you know that right?”

“We know.” The Soldier answered, stepping closer, putting his hands on Steve’s bare chest. “Steve loves us.”

“Yes he does.” Steve confirmed and then pulled a blanket down off the other shelf, wrapping it around the Soldier’s s body before pulling him to him. “Very much.”

Incased inside that blanket, his naked body pressed to Steve’s, the Soldier felt warm and safe. The way he always felt around Steve. He was then picked up and carried out of the bathroom and he buried buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, like Bucky loving how his Steve was. Loved when he picked him up like this. He was taken to the chair in the other room. The one that went back when he used the lever. Steve sat down in it, letting the Soldier, wrapped in his blanket, lay on him. It was so comfortable his eyes actually fluttered a bit. But even more so when Steve touched him underneath the blanket.

Sometimes in a funny way that made him want to laugh too. “Does that tickles?” Steve asked him, putting his fingers in that spot again by his hip and doing the same thing. “It doesn’t it?”

The Soldier had to search Bucky’s memories for ‘tickle’ and found it and yes that was it. It caused him to actually giggle, a strange sound he’d heard Bucky make sometimes when Steve did this. The sensation wasn’t not unpleasant, it was in fact that opposite, and he wiggled in his lap happily, very much enjoying this too.

The others had certainly never done anything like this. They never made him laugh.

After a while of squirming he curled into Steve and found himself making that happy sound that he sometimes did when he and Steve did the sex stuff. A sound he’d heard coming from the cat earlier when he pet her. The Soldier understood it was a sound of being happy. Something he was truly beginning to really understand now. He felt happy.

He nuzzled his face into Steve’s chest, even using his lips on his skin because he loved the way he tasted. Loved the way Steve’s hand moved in his hair when he did. “Our Steve.” He murmured against his skin, wrapping his metal arm around him in the chair. “Steve makes us happy.”

Lifting his head, the Soldier then kissed him, pressing his body into his as he did. Feeling Steve’s hands, not urgent, just soft, run over his skin, giving him the pleasant sensations again, including the ones that made him want to giggle. Which he did as he kissed him.

“I’m glad I do.” Steve whispered to him, their lips barely parting. “You deserve to be happy Soldier.”

The Soldier sat up a little, putting his legs on either side of him. “We want to do the sex thing.” He told Steve, peering into his eyes with a slightly shy look. “Can we?”

He’d waited all day, and had fun doing it. Just being with Steve, with no expectation at all. It had felt nice. Made him happy. But now he wanted his Steve inside him. He really liked that too. Even when he was just sharing with Bucky, he’d liked it. And when Bucky had let him do it on his own it had just been a whole new world for him. Filling him with this incredible feeling that he was now addicted to. So he looked at him expectantly.

“Of course we can.” Steve said in a soft voice, his hands running down his back and sliding over his bottom. “If you want to.”

“Yes we do.” He replied, leaning over a little more. “We want our Steve inside us.” His hands gripped the back of the chair. “He makes us feel good..”

He felt him right there against him and pushed himself down onto him eagerly, his body consuming him. It always felt so good. The other had hurt him when he done it but not his Steve. When he was inside him, the Soldier felt complete. Like the part of him that had been missing was returned. He never wanted him to leave his body, even when the were done, wishing he could stay just like this forever.

“Our Steve..” The Soldier breathed, his hands on his face as he started to move instinctually on him. “Ours.”

Usually he couldn’t control himself, just started slamming himself onto him hungrily but he felt Steve sort of hold him. Slow him a little as he looked up in his eyes. “Easy Soldier.” He whispered to him. “There’s no rush.” He showed him by slowly pushing himself up into him. “Slow… let me feel you..”

He looked into his eyes, trusting him completely and followed his lead and it was even better. Drew it out every time. Sending waves of that pleasurable feeling through his body. And he realized this wasn’t just a sex thing, it was what Bucky called ‘making love’ and it was even better. And lasted longer.

And the Soldier like that very much indeed.

_Our husband.._ he thought to himself. _Ours forever.._

The ring gleamed on his finger as if to confirm this, as he braced his hands on Steve’s shoulders, the pacing quickening but drawn out. Long strokes that caused his eyes to flutter as his Steve, his love, slid deliciously against his insides, causing him to moan thickly. He felt Steve’s hands, felt the one with his own ring on it, pressing into his hips and just let it wash all over him.

“Steve..” He moaned over and over again. “Our Steve…”

\--

The sound of his voice, moaning his name like that was almost more than he could take.

He was just so damn beautiful. Radiant as he rode him, slowly at first, the blanket pooled around his waist, chest muscles taut as he moved. Some of his damp hair was still stuck to his face, his blue eyes fluttering with every thrust. He was a vision as always

It had been such a sweet day and he knew it was going to end like this, but he had a day with him. A wonderful day of doing normal things. Everyday things. All the while letting Bucky’s mind rest.

And now he was griping his hips, pushing up into him just as hard as he was riding him and he just couldn’t take his eyes off the sight of him. The Soldier had always been somewhat of a feral creature, with a strange innocence about him. And just another beautiful part of Bucky for him to love. To accept without reservation.

He’d married him too. Made a promise to love him forever. And this felt almost like a consummation of that. Cementing his bond to the Soldier for all time too.

“My Soldier..” He breathed to him, giving him even more now. “My husband….my…. love…”

The Soldier’s eyes seemed to gleam at this and when he came it with a scream of pleasure as head flung back, brown hair flying around his head as he did. And it didn’t take long for Steve to follow before his Soldier, who then collapsed into his arms, breathing hard as he did.

Their lips found each other and kissed languidly as Steve turned him onto his side in the chair, holding him tight in his arms back under the blanket. When their lips part he trailed a finger over his face and just stared into his hazy eyes for a long moment, finger trailing over those swollen lips.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered to him. “Do you know that?”

The Soldier’s face flushed a beautiful red as he realized what that meant and nuzzled his face into Steve’s neck shyly. “No we’re not.”

“Yes you are.” He corrected him, wrapping him up tighter in his arms. “If you could just see yourself right now.”

The Soldier’s leg wrapped around his under the blanket and his metal arm tightened around his waist. They couldn’t be any closer without merging and felt so intimate and sweet. He let the arm that the Soldier was laying his head on curl around and stroke his hair as he held him close.

“Steve is beautiful.” He heard him murmur against his neck. “We’re not like Steve.”

He’d heard Bucky use that sentiment too. Some days he accepted the praise and other days he didn’t. And he wondered if it was because the Soldier didn’t see himself that way. That all he remembered was his reflection in the mirror. The two-way glass Bucky had described. Saw himself as an ugly, bloody thing still. It was painful to consider how bad they’d made him feel about himself. How long that damage could last.

“Listen to me Soldier.” He told him, tilting his chin up to look t him. “You are beautiful, no matter what they made you think.” He kissed his head again softly. “You’re beautiful to me, you always have been. “

“We did bad things.” The Soldier said in quiet voice. “Hurt people.”

“Because they made you do that.” Steve reminded him. “They would hurt if you didn’t.” He let his hand run soothingly over his hip under the blanket. “But that was never who you really were.”

The metal hand seemed play on Steve’s waist as he looked down, biting his lip the same way Bucky did. “We feel.. ugly sometimes..” He said aa if searching for the words to describe this feeling properly. “Bucky does too.. on the bad days.”

The Soldier had always been more honest, he didn’t really have to capacity to lie Steve had realized. So he knew if he said it was true. That even now, with all the progress he’d made, that wound still ran very dep. He picked up that metal hand entwined his fingers in it before kissing it softly.

“Your my husband and I love you.” He told him, pressing his lips to that wedding ring. “You are not bad or ugly to me you are beautiful..”

If he had sy this 20 times a day for the rest of his life he would, if that’s what it took. And he was speaking as much to Bucky now as he was to the Soldier. They were one in the same. He saw the Soldier’s face turned that pink color again and nuzzled it into his shoulder cutely. He didn’t speak just did that. As if taking in the information. Steve wrapped the blanket around him a little more and held him as he lay there.

He thought he was asleep, and maybe he was for a bit but then he spoke. “This is a nice way to wake up.”

He could tell it was Bucky now, he was finally back. “I’ll bet it is.” He told him, brushing his hair with his hand. “You feel better?”

“Yeah I do actually.” Bucky answered, the metal fingers playing on Steve’s chest. “I mean my heads not pounding anymore.”

“How long have you know nthat worked?” He asked, stroking his hair. “Becoming him I mean.”

“Figured it out the last time I had a headache.” Bucky answered, resting his chin on Steve’s chest. “Those things don’t seem to bother him a much.” He gave Steve a soft smile. “Did you have a nice day with him punk?”

“Yeah.” He admitted. “I did.”

“Good.” Bucky said and laid his head back down on his chest. “Then it worked for both of didn’t it?”

Steve looked down at him confused. “What do you mean by that/”

“Well I mean I knda cured my headache and you got a stress-free day with the Soldier.” He explained. “I was having a bad morning and I didn’t want you to have to occupy your day looking after me so I gave you a break.” He lifted his eyes up and smiled. “A day with him instead.”

He realized in a sense that’s exactly what Bucky had done. It was very selfless of him actually. Bucky had come so far from that strange jealousy he’d had for so long, to given the Soldier more and more time with him. It was like a gift in a sense. Because Bucky was still taking care of him, even when he was having a hard time. He wanted what was best for his punk, even if it meant he had to step away for a bit.

“You know I don’t mind looking after you Buck.” He told him anyways, wanting to make this clear. “You don’t have to step away just for my benefit.”

“Steve you’ve done enough for me over the years.” Bucky said, lifting his head up again. “ I wanna do it for you too.” He reached the metal hand up and touched his face. “Consider it an pre-birthday present.”

He wrapped his hand around Bucky’s head and kissed it, feeling grateful in a way he couldn’t express for that sentiment. For the day today with the Soldier. Even though he hated that Bucky felt he had to go away sometimes. He just held his lips there for a moment, letting the emotion roll through him.

“Thank you Buck.” Steve whispered against his head. “You don’t have to but… I do appreciate it.” And then he remembered and smiled. “Speaking of that a package came today.. “

Bucky lifted his head, his metal hand back on Steve’s face. “If you think I’m telling you what it is punk you can forget it.” He teased, rubbing his lips against Steve’s. “You’re gonna have to wait til tomorrow like a good boy.”

“That’s what he said too.” Steve teased back. “You guys are such teases.”

Bucky just smiled that Cheshire Cat smile again. “And you love it don’t you?”

Steve didn’t answer, just got a handful of Bucky’s hair and kissed him, their bodies sliding sweetly together under the blanket as he did. His arm was wrapped around Bucky’s head, the other on his hip and moving around.

“You sure you got enough energy left for me punk?” Bucky asked against his lips, wiggling his ass against hand. “Cause it feels like you guys had a little fun while I was away.”

He just grabbed him harder and, nibbled his neck. “I always got energy for you jerk.”

It was true. He always did. And he proved it to him. With great satisfaction all around.

And after, they just stayed in that chair, Bucky sleeping contentedly in his arms. Both halves contentedly sleeping there. Steve was thinking it was such an odd thing, the little quirks you accepted in the one who choose to spend your life with. Things that might’ve made other people run screaming or want to commit them.

Bucky had two active parts of his mind and Steve had a relationship with both. Love them both as if they were separate people even though they were just one person. He thought that if anyone thought that was weird they could go fuck themselves, but they no idea how special this was. How special Bucky was. How beautifully complicated he was. And how much he had healed Steve too. Healed the wounds that had plagued him as well.

He loved his Bucky. His Soldier. And felt no weirdness or regret about that at all.

Burying his face in that brown hair he let himself fall asleep as well. After a long beautiful day it was well earned rest for them both.

\--

Bucky sat at the desk the next morning, having finished putting together Steve’s present for proper presentation and then turned his attention to the other package. The one he’d had the Soldier stuff in the drawer for now.

He knew what this was too. He’d been told he was getting it while in the Netherlands.

Opening it he pulled it out, feeling that same trepidation he always did when he saw it. But unlike last time it wasn’t a full-on anxiety attack. He stared at it for a moment and read the note attached to it.

_“We are done with it now and I believe with my whole heart that you are the person that should decide it’s fate, considering you were the one who was hurt the most by it. The safest hands are yours, not any government agency. _

_Sincerely, Sharon.” _

He put the note aside and stared at the cover, with the red star on it. Thinking about how much fear had raged through him at the sight of it. At how slimy the cover felt when he touched it. It always had an evil presence to it. But as much he was still somewhat afraid of it, the red book no longer had the power it used to have over him.

But he hadn’t wanted to Soldier to see it yesterday because he feared the reaction that cause in his other half. The Soldier part of him was learning to live a somewhat normal life and Bucky it would set him back. So he’d urged him to open the package. And he hadn’t.

The Soldier listened to him and trusted his judgement.

Bucky understood as he looked at it, that Sharon was right, his hands were the best ones for it. Because he was one of the few people who understood the harm this could do if it got in the wrong hands. It was safer here than anywhere else in spite of its malevolence, because it would not be abused.

But right now he didn’t know what he was going to do with it. He knew he had time to decide on that. So he put it back in the drawer for now, hiding it from view.

It was Steve’s birthday after all and boy did he have plans. None of which involved leaving the house at all. They had found they could plenty of adventure right here at home.

Turning in the chair he got up and took the bag with the present in it with him to put in a safe place in their room for now. And took a look at some of the other items he had as well, feeling a strange mix of anticipation and trepidation as well. He knew Steve would like it, but it would also spark a little discussion that was long overdue as well.

Just as he got these other items put away in the closet, he turned and almost ran right into Steve, who was grinning at him in that cute, stupid way of his. “is my present in there?” He asked casually. “That why you’re being so sneaky today?”

“Maybe.” Bucky teased, shutting the door the rest of the way and leaning against it. “Stop being nosy Rogers and maybe you’ll get it sometime tonight.”

“Well maybe you should stop teasing me about it jerk.” Steve told him, slipping an arm around his waist to pull him closer. “It’s kinda annoying just saying.”

Bucky smiled, already feeling lighter again. It was Steve’s presence he supposed that grounded him back in the present again. The feeling of home and safety. Of that bubble they’d been in for over a week now, seeing almost exclusively each other because all their friends were out of town. The mutual caretaking that had been occurring as a result.

Whatever it was, it caused him to loop his arms around Steve’s neck and kiss him just for the hell of it. “Like I said punk.” He whispered against his lips. “You’re just gonna have to wait.”

When their lips parted Steve brushed some of his loose hair back from his face. “You feeling better today?”

“Yeah.” He said honestly, because he was, at least physically, feeling a lot better.” Headache seems to be gone, and good riddance.”

It wasn’t raining today. It was actually a beautiful day. Couldn’t be more perfect for the 4th and Steve’s birthday he supposed. The horribleness of that headache yesterday could not be understated, and he was grateful for the Winter Soldier, who had allowed him to rest that part of his head for quite a bit. He remembered some of the Soldier’s adventures yesterday, but more like you’d remember a lucid dream. And a nice one too, because those memories were pleasant and seemingly filled with joy and love.

“I’m glad.” Steve told him, rubbing his nose against Bucky’s. “I hate when you’re in pain like that.”

Bucky just sort of stared into Steve’s eyes, losing himself in the for a moment before speaking. “You always make me feel better punk.” He told him, his arms still looped around his neck. “It hurts less when you’re around.”

He meant that in all kinds of ways too, not just physical. He could feel Steve’s hand on his back, pressing into it, the other one finding its way into his hair as their forehead’s pressed together again. Bucky took a deep breath and let it out, pushing away any residue bad juju from that book and just took in the soft moment.

“You sure you’re okay?” Steve asked, fingers combing Bucky’s hair. “Cause you still seem a bit off.”

“I’m fine.” He told him. “Just got stuff on my mind that’s all.” He smiled and covered this a little. “Planning your birthday spectacular takes a bit of thought you know?”

“So what’s the plan?” Steve asked, turning to nuzzle his neck softly. “Going out or staying in?”

Bucky wrapped his arms a little tighter around Steve’s neck and nudged his face back up to his again. “I’m keeping you to myself tonight Rogers” He said, brushing his lips against his. “So we are staying put.”

“Thought you’d had enough of me jerk.” Steve told him, the hand on his back moving a little southward. “After this last week I mean.”

Bucky just smiled a little wider and kissed him again in answer to that. Truth was he’d never get sick of him. Ever. There was a lot of time to make up for. Decades worth of time. And he never took any of it for granted. Never would again. So he just kissed him more fiercely, leaning up on his toes to do it, feeling Steve’s hand fisting his hair softly as he did.

“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I’m sick of you punk.” He breathed against his lips. “No matter how much you annoy me sometimes.”

Part of him wanted to get the festivities started early. To just climb back into bed and celebrate that way, but he held himself back from giving in to that urge. He finally pulled back, dizzy from the kiss and extracted himself from Steve’s arms, with some difficulty.

“Just remembered.” He said regretfully, biting his now swollen lower lip. “I gotta get the cake out of the fridge.”

Steve just smiled and pulled him back into his arms again. “Sure you do.” He purred to him, his hand back in Bucky’s hair again. “I’m sure it’ll keep for a little bit..”

“No it won’t…” Bucky answered weakly. “It needs to defrost..”

He was kissed again before he could protest any further, their tongue’s moving softly together as they did. He moaned softly into it thinking they were just so damn hot for each other lately. Who was he kidding lately? They were all the time. Sometimes it felt a bit unhealthy to him. But he couldn’t resist either, hands gripping Steve’s shirt, fighting the urge to pull it off of him and just sink his teeth into that chest right now. It took an enormous force of will not to not do just that.

“Alright enough big guy.” He said breathlessly as he pulled away. “Save it for later okay?”

“Sorry jerk.” Steve told him, letting him go for now. “You just don’t know the effect you have on me sometimes.”

Bucky actually felt himself flush at way he looked at him and knew he had to leave the room soon or he’d forget all his plans and tackle him onto the bed right then and there. “Well you’re just gonna have to control yourself punk.” He said as he backed to the door. “At least until later.”

And he then quickly left the room to defrost the cake. Pulling it out of the fridge. Arya jumped up on the counter and looked at him brightly and he just reached over and petted her, taking a deep breath.

“You ‘re Daddy is gonna be my cause of death little darlin’.” He told her with a scratch on the head, and busied himself with the cake for a little bit. “But I do have to admit it would be a good death.”

He gave her a cat treat right before checking the cake, which was perfect. Look scrumptious. He had to put a special order in for it and paid quite a bit for it, but it was worth it. He’d do anything for his punk. Anything at all.

Arya finished her treat and looked at the cake curiously, but was smart enough to know Daddy was not going to let her have any. Too much sugar for her little body to handle. She had her own treats though. And she was well fed. Bucky gave her a scratch on the head, listening to her purr as he did.

“You can’t join us tonight pumpkin.” He cooed to her, scratching her chin now. “Daddy and I are spending the night on the roof and it’s not safe, so you get the house to yourself.”

Bucky never left Arya on the roof unattended. She might’ve been a smart cat but she still liked to chase birds and there was a danger she could off the roof in single-minded pursuit if she wasn’t being watched. And Steve and Bucky were going to be very occupied tonight he knew. 

He had wanted to stay in rather than take another trip, they’d done enough of those in the last 8 months, and Bucky just wanted to spend some at home for a while. At least until their anniversary. And the roof would be perfect, it was nice and they had a good view of the city from up there, able to see several different fireworks displays.

“Now go see Daddy and wish him a Happy Birthday darlin’.” He told the little cat. “Keep him distracted for me.”

Arya meowed and scampered off as if to do just that and Bucky turned his attention to getting things ready for later. Finding he liked this domestic stuff than he ever thought he would.

\--

The cat had found him and snuggled with him cutely for a little bit until Steve just couldn’t help himself and left his office to go downstairs. Where he was met by Bucky at the bottom of the stairs, whit a mom look consternation if there ever was one.

“I told you to hang out and wait until I called you.” Bucky told him, his hands on his hips looking both hot and adorable at the same time. “But if you’re gonna be like at least make yourself useful and go up on the roof and set it up the table and the mattress up.”

Steve lifted his eyebrows intrigued by this statement. “So we’re spending the night up there huh?”

Bucky rolled his eyes in that annoyed way that made Steve want to kiss him. “Brilliant deduction Sherlock.” He told him with a stern look. “Just do what I say alright?”

“Kinda like it when you order me around boo bear.” He said with a wink. “It’s so cute.”

“Just get your dumb ass up there punk.” Bucky had replied, blocking his view of the cake. “I’ll be up in a minute.”

Now he was up there, and everything was set up. They had a nice view from the roof of downtown Brooklyn and Steve knew they’d be able to see the fireworks from up there. A ton of fireworks. Which was probably part of the reason why Bucky wanted to do it up here. But Steve knew he had some special plans and he could not wait to see what those were.

And watching Bucky carry a cake up the fire escape would be amusing too. But if anyone had the coordination to do it, it was him. He’d always had that kind of skill. Was not even as clumsy as Steve himself could and still to some degree was in spite of his enhanced strength.

While he was waiting his mind drifted to that day, on his 16th birthday. When Bucky had surprised him with a kiss. Their first. Remembering how surprised he was, but also how relieved and gladdened he’d been to know Bucky had felt the same way. That the feelings he’d had were reciprocated. It had been one of the first things that had ever made him feel like a normal human being, not an abnormal, fragile thing. 

Kissing Bucky always made him feel that way. Its why he could never get enough of doing it.

And had a feeling he’d be doing a lot of it tonight. And much more.

As if on cue, the love of his life came up the stairs from the fire escape, expertly balancing the covered cake on his right arm, while using his metal hand to pull himself up. It was quite a sight he had to admit. Especially the way Bucky’s brown hair blew in the breeze, and the way that same breeze billowed his shirt against his body as he stepped up on the flat roof area. He was, as always, a vision to behold.

“Well I got my wish.” He told him as he walked over. “The most beautiful man in the world.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes and set the covered cake down on the table. “You’re such a dork.”

Steve noticedd he also had a bag over his shoulder which he dropped down next to the blanket. It looked like his old go-bag, looking a bit weathered and worn. And it obviously had a few things in it. He looked at it curiously and then back at Bucky.

“Well since I’m not planning on leaving anytime soon.” He explained, noticing Steve’s interest. “Figured I could put it to better use than carrying weapons you know?”

The idea that Bucky had not put that bag back down under the porch after all this time filled his heart with a relief he didn’t plan on feeling. He’d had that go-bag under there for well over a year until he’d pulled it out to go after the Colonel, and now he was retiring it. He felt strong enough to give up that paranoid habit of evacuation planning. He felt safe and that just hit Steve in all the right places.

“What’s in it?” He asked as Bucky reached in and pulled out a lighter. “Other than that I mean.”

Bucky just gave him a knowing grin. “Wouldn’t you like to know punk.”

He then pulled the cover off the cake and it looked absolutely splendid. He could smell apple and cinnamon and some caramel and chocolate as well and saw why. It was a layered cake with caramel and cinnamon covered apples on the top. Steve loved apple pie and Bucky knew that. He knew everything about him.

“Damn that looks good.” He said, going to reach for one of the apple slices, only to get his hand slapped lightly.

“Hands off Rogers.” Bucky admonished while flicking the lighter on. “Gotta make your wish first remember?”

Steve made a big deal out of rubbing his hand, it didn’t really hurt though. “Well then hurry up and light the candle then cause that smells good.”

Bucky shot him a severe look before getting the light going and lighting the one candle on it. Both of them had agreed that now that they were both over the age of one hundred they would no put the age on the cake. Just a candle with a 1 on it. And Bucky had joked on occasion that the number of the candles they would need would light the Burrough on fire.

Once the candle was lit Bucky put the light back in the bag and leaning over and motioned to Steve to go ahead. “Make your wish punk.”

“I don’t know what to wish for.” He replied and smiled at Bucky. “I already got everything I wanted as I said.”

“It’s just tradition dork.” Bucky told him, sliding over next to him. “Think of something.”

He thought for a moment and found one, before blowing it out. In fact, he nearly knocked the candle over. He found himself wishing for one simple thing. Peace of mind for them both. Or just peace in general. He felt after everything they’d been through, they deserved at least that for a long time.

“Well I always knew you were full hot air Rogers.” Bucky continued, breaking him out of his thoughts. “That’s why we only have one candle.”

“Hilarious.” He shot back. “Now give me some that damn otherwise I’m sticking my face right in it.”

Bucky rolled his eyes again and cut some rather big pieces, one for each of them. And it was as good as it looked. The cake itself was chocolate with salted caramel frosting, topped with those amazing cinnamon apples and he didn’t stop at one slice. Buck then pulled out some of that sparkling cider he now liked in lieu of wine, and pour them both a glass to wash it down with.

“Happy Birthday punk.” Bucky told him and kissed him, tasting like salted caramel as he did. “Hope you enjoy it.”

“Oh I am already.” He replied against those delicious lips. “So far its perfect.”

It was, a absolutely delicious cake and there was Bucky looking a dream at dusk on the roof. He pulled him a little closer and kissed him again, loving the taste of the cake and the cider on his lips as he did. He could feel him reach around behind him and pull something else out of the bag as well, before pulling away and putting the object in his hand.

“Here you go punk.” He whispered to him, his eyes shining in the dimming light. “Hope you like it.”

Steve took the box from his hand and opened it to see what was inside and was stunned by what he saw, picking it up and turning it in his hands. It was a bracelet, very similar to the engagement one he’d gotten Bucky just about two years ago. It was gold Celtic knot, interlaid with a blue that Steve just knew would match Bucky’s eyes in the light. And there was an inscription on the inside. Celtic writing, and Steve knew exactly what it said. The same thing Bucky’s said. _I’m with you until the end of the line.._ He looked at Bucky stunned, unable to find the words.

“Thought you should have one too.” He was told, as Bucky unclasped it and proceeded to put it on Steve’s corresponding wrist. “It meant so much to me when you gave me mine.” He smiled as he looked up at him. “It still does. “

Steve remembered the day he’d proposed and given him his, how emotional Bucky had been. Just like when he’d gotten his tags. It had given him a sense of purpose in a dark moment and he remembered how the hope had come back into his eyes that day. And he felt it in himself as well as he watched Bucky put this one on his wrist too, seeing the low light reflect off of Bucky’s own wrist from that bracelet. Which along with his tags and ring, he never took off.

He felt at that moment it was going to get better again. That his wish would really come true.

Bucky had no sooner gotten it on him then Steve grabbed him and kissed him solidly, letting his own hand run over the one on Bucky’s wrist as he did. He felt Bucky smile against his lips and just held him there for a moment, letting the emotion flow through him as he did.

“I love it Buck.” He breathed into that kiss. “Thank you.”

He wanted to just lay him down on that blanket and show him just how thankful he was. But Bucky had some other plans apparently because he pulled back and looked in his eyes. “It’s not the only one I got for you tonight punk. There’s more.”

“More?” Steve asked curiously as Bucky stood up and picked up the bag. “I don’t know how you’re gonna top that one jerk.’

“You’ll see.” Bucky said simply, heading for the attic shed they had out there. “After I get changed.”

And with that cryptic remark he went inside the shed and Steve was left to ponder exactly what he meant by that. A few long minutes later Bucky came out and just fell over at what he saw when he did.

He was dressed in similar way to the former uniform he used to wear. Looking every inch the Winter Soldier, the only differences were the lack of a mask and that he wore his tags out. Steve could not help the whine that came out when he saw it. Feeling his body react instantly to it the sight. A secret he’d only shared with Bucky himself once and intimate moment. That he’d liked the way he looked in that outfit then, even though a part of him thought it was problematic to think so considering what he knew now.

But it didn’t stop the wanting that came upon him, compelling him to walk over and just.. touch him at that moment. “Bucky..I..” He stared but couldn’t finish.

“You like it punk.” Bucky said, his hair blowing in the wind. “I know you do.” He stepped closer, with that look in his eyes. “Just admit it it’s okay..”

And Steve couldn’t verbalize it right away to confirm this. Just stepped forward and grabbed his hair, kissing him fiercely in answer, unable to help himself. His hands moved over his body, touching the tight vest and the belt. Everything.

“Yes..” He admitted against his lips. “I do..”

He was about to lose himself he knew, trying to keep his sanity as this fantasy, the one he wasn’t sure was okay, had come life right in front of him. On a roof like the first time he’d laid eyes on him all those years ago.

So for now he just kissed him until he couldn’t breathe and just kissed him some more.

\--

He didn’t have to bring a mirror, he knew how he looked. It had taken a bit to find suitable items to complete the look, he’d needed Wanda and Nat’s help while they were home and they’d both questioned it a bit, but seemed to understand his need to acquire these things. And once he’d put on all the requisite pieces, having tested this while Steve was out one day, he knew he looked the part.

And it was a bit unnerving he had to admit. To do this again. But also felt freeing as well.

The black boots had completed the look and judging by Steve’s reaction he knew he’d succeeded in it. He remembered Steve sheepishly admitting he liked this look, as if their was something wrong with him for liking it. And Bucky, along with the freedom this gave him, wanted to show there was absolutely nothing wrong with that feeling.

The fierce kiss he was getting right now was well worth it too. The way Steve’s hand flexed in his hair tightly. He could tell he was so damn turned on he could barely control himself. “I’m your Soldier Captain.” He whispered back to him, pulling him in tighter. “Tell us what you want.” He smiled into the kiss. “Birthday boy gets all the requests.”

The Soldier part of him was right there, ready to take over if Steve wanted him there. Bucky could feel his hands through the uniform and sighed, knowing this was going to be a beautiful night. That the fireworks would start in an hour, at least the literal ones that was.

Steve had a question first and Bucky was ready for this. “Are you sure this okay?” He asked, looking in his eyes as the sky got darker around them. “That you’re okay with this.”

“It is and I am.” Bucky told him, making sure he could see it in his eyes. “Tonight’s for you.” He smiled, letting the metal hand with the glove on it, grip Steve’s shirt loosely. “Anything goes punk.”

He saw Steve’s eyes darken a little, as if he was giving into his desire for now. He might have regrets later that needed to be talked out but right now was about fulfilling a wish. A fantasy. And Bucky had a good idea wat that wish was too.

“I want to fuck me wearing this.” He growled, his hands clamping on Bucky’s ass hungrily. “As the Soldier..” Hs tongue skated over Bucky’s lips as he talked. “Please…”

“As you wish Captain.” Bucky replied, his own eyes darkening. “But first.. “ His hands went for the belt of Steve’s jeans. “We have to lose these pants...”

He made quick work of them, sliding them down as Steve stepped out of them. And then he himself, hoisted Steve up into his own arms. He could do this too, was certainly strong enough. He carried him to the blanket, which covered a soft spare mattress they’d saved for these occasions and put him down on it before crawling over him and looking down into his eyes.

“Frontwards or backwards?” He asked in a husky voice. “Since I’m taking requests and all.”

Steve’s eyes were so hooded and glazed with desire. Completely overwhelmed by this. “Back..”

“Okay then.” Bucky breathed, grabbing his hips as if to help him. “Turn around then punk.”

He did just that and Bucky took a moment to take in the sight that he now had before undoing his own belt as well. And letting the Soldier start to slide into place in his head. He would enjoy the view himself while Soldier fulfilled Steve’s fantasy for him. The idea of this was such a turn on for Bucky he literally quaked with the thought of it.

“Our Steve..” The Soldier purred, letting his metal fingers trail over Steve’s bottom, finding that sweet place to slide one in.” Ours.”

The Soldier felt a hunger he hadn’t felt before. One that had little to do with food. It was a desire to consume and claim. To make Steve happy like he had in the shower that time. But in a different way. He wanted to put himself inside Steve, wanted to feel what that was like. But first he slid his fingers inside him like the last time too, listening to the sounds Steve made as he did.

“Soldier…” He breathed into the roof mattress, pushing back against his hand.

“We will make Steve feel good..” The Soldier said to him, working him a little more. “Yes we will..”

He did a little more of that and then pulled those fingers out and put his hands on Steve’s hips, pulling him forward. He knew how to do it, he’d watched Bucky several times and learned. And very tentatively at first, put himself inside him, his eyes rolling as he did. It felt so good inside him, so warm and tight and he just stayed there inside for a moment, relishing the feeling. He’d never been in the driver’s seat before and now he was. And he liked it. He liked it a lot.

“Please Soldier..” Steve moaned as the Soldier pressed his own face into his back. “Take me..”

The Soldier was filled with that desire, that need upon hearing those words. And like everything else, he went at it with enthusiasm, giving his Steve everything he wanted because, as Bucky had said it was his birthday. And Steve deserved everything.

Finding the back of his neck the Soldier clamped his lips on it as he pushed in deeper, losing his reservation in the need to just claim his Steve like this. He gripped him harder and groaned against his skin.

“Our Steve.” He growled, feeling possessive of his love now. “Ours forever.”

\--

Steve was in ecstasy, so turned on he could barely contain himself.

The Soldier didn’t hold back on him, taking him in that insatiable way of his. As someone who once again, discovered something new and was immediately addicted to it. And he was a quick learner too, plowing into Steve’s body, almost intuitively knowing exactly what he wanted.

And what Steve wanted at that moment was to fucked. Hard.

To push away all the doubt and guilt and stress of everything and just get rammed until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. And his Soldier was doing just that, growling and grunting as he did. Even biting him here and there like a feral animal. It was glorious.

“Our Steve..” He kept growling possessively over and over again as he fucked him. “Ours.”

Steve found himself hollering, letting his pleasure out into the wind as night fell. No one was around, they were all across town for the fireworks. He could hear the crowd from here, not that he cared mind you. His Soldier was plowing him right into the mattress up here on the roof and it was yet another amazing birthday present.

And he could feel the leather glove on the metal hand, gripping his hip and it was just…fuck…

He was going cum, and hard too. Was going explode like the coming fireworks. He pushed back against the Soldier as he thrusted into him, the force and depth just causing stars in front of his eyes. He could then feel the vest rubbing him through his shirt and the Soldiers teeth on his neck again, chewing on it. And then something strange happened.

He felt the Soldier pull out of him for a moment and then flip him over onto his back. Steve looked up at him dazed and confused by this at first. “We want to.. see our Steve…” The Soldier breathed, his hair blowing in the wind, blue eyes filled with love and desire. “To see his.. eyes…”

And then just like that, the Soldier plunged back into him deeply and continued fucking him as he looked down at him at him. Steve wrapped his legs around him and got a got grip of his hair as they went even harder. He was so beautiful, that hair blowing around Steve’s hand, his eyes rolling in his head as he continued thrust hungrily into him.

“My… Soldier..” Steve moaned, pulling his lips to his. “My…love…”

Their tongues moved deep in their mouths as their bodies continued to move harder against each other until finally Steve felt it roll over him, one of the fiercest orgasms he’d ever had, causing him to wrap his leg tighter around the Soldiers hips and grip his hair hard as he whined into his mouth, feeling him let go as well in a powerful wave that overtook both of them.

He saw fireworks behind his eyes and just fell over the edge into a beautiful hazy state as he lay under him, their lips finally parting as they both gasped for air. Steve kept his legs wrapped around him for a moments longer, letting his fingers skate over the leather vest lazily.

“We love our Steve..” The Soldier whispered into his neck. “We love him so much.”

Steve could hear not just love but a beautiful sense of protectiveness. Felt his heart swell with love for both beautiful parts of this man. He held him tighter to him, burying his own face in his shoulder as he did, shudders still going through his body.

“God I love you too.” He breathed to him. “My Soldier.”

The came apart finally and laid side by side under the darkening night, Steve naked from the waist down and not caring. Their arms were looped around each other as they stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. Only interrupted by a loud boom that seem to startle the Soldier, causing him to instinctively pull Steve to him and curl around him. As if protecting him whatever danger there was. But Steve knew what it was and smiled thinking this was cute as all hell.

“It’s okay.” He told him, nuzzling his neck. “It’s just the fireworks that’s all.” He turned the Soldier’s head in their direction, so he could see the colors exploding in the sky. “See?”

He saw a look of wonder and realization on the Soldier’s face as this registered. “Where the sky lights up.”

Steve smiled as the Soldier sat up to look at them in wonder. Remembering how he had been confused about Bucky’s memories of this for so long. Seeing the pieces in his head fall in place. It was just as beautiful as the colors lighting him up.

Getting up himself he sat behind him, not even feeling the soreness he knew would be there when the numbness wore off. He just put his arms around his Soldier from behind and watched them over his shoulder.

“You like it?” He asked softly into his ear, just watching his face.

“Yes.” The Soldier replied, turning his head slightly. “We do.”

He watched a little longer and then seemed to turn around in Steve’s arms and kissed him deeply as the fireworks went on behind them. It was so perfect, reminding Steve of that night so long ago when they’d first kissed. It still felt the same to him. And he pulled his Soldier more into his arms and gripped his hair, hearing those rockets go off behind them. And now that the Soldier knew what they were, he didn’t react at all, just kept kissing his Steve.

Pulling back finally, Steve looked into his eyes, seeing the sky lighting up around his head, almost looking like a halo as it did. “You are so beautiful.” He told the Soldier, letting his hand just stroke his hair lovingly. “So perfect.”

He saw the smile that came to that face and could even see him seem to flush a bit as well. “So is our Steve.” The Soldier whispered back, hands on his neck. “Our punk..”

That nickname coming out of the Soldier’s mouth was just the icing on the cake. They were both here now, in his arms. In that outfit strictly for his benefit. Making all his wishes come true every time. This this thought caused him to smother his lips in another fierce kiss as the Grand Finale went on behind them.

By the feel of it, the night was just beginning. There were hours to go. And plenty of cake left as well.

\--

“It’s time to take care of the birthday boy.” Bucky declared, turning Steve so he could lay on his stomach. “And while we’re doing that.” He turned and cut off another piece of the cake. “Have a little more cake punk.”

Steve took it, putting it front of him as he leaned on his elbows, and began to mow it down. “It would be a shame for it to go to waste after all. “

Bucky grinned at that knowingly. “Oh it won’t.” He told him. “Trust me on that.”

As Steve was eating his cake, Bucky slid down and began to work him below with his hands first, massaging his rim with his metal fingers as his flesh ones played on one of his cheeks. He then bent over and kissed the other one as he did.

“You enjoying your birthday punk?” He asked, his voice muffled by Steve’s flesh.

“Uh huh.” Steve said in a moany voice, still managing to eat his cake. “Very much.”

Bucky smiled and turned, dipping his hands into the frosting before turning back around and smearing it on him. In some very intimate places too. And then proceeded to lick it off. The cake was… very good yes, tasting especially good with a blonde punk he thought to himself.

He saw Steve stop eating his cake and he stopped what he was doing as well. “Finish your cake Stevie.” He told him teasingly. “And I’ll finish mine.”

Steve did just that and Bucky once again got some more frosting and traced his rim with it before putting his mouth there and devouring it along with him. He heard moans coming out of Steve, deep throaty ones and smiled against him, dabbing some more frosting onto him and even popping an apple slice into his mouth in between. It was quite a lot of fun. And he felt the Soldier enjoying it too. Taking notes most likely.

“You taste so good punk.” He told him after getting the desired reaction. “And I’m still hungry.”

Tuning him over Bucky once again got some more cake frosting and put all over him, covering him completely before taking him in his mouth and sucking it all off. Feeling Steve hands pull on his hair as he did. This was fun and sweet. He was going to make sure this was a hell of a birthday for him too. All the while enjoying himself in the process.

And it it was not lost on him that he was still wearing the Winter Soldier suit. And that Steve’s hungry eyes were very aware of that even as he was going down on him.

His ears picked up fireworks from another end of town, toward Coney, which were later. He smiled as he continued to pleasure him. He’d done this many times on his birthday when they were younger he recalled. Making the Grande Finale grand indeed.

When he’d finally brough him to the climax he intended, loving how aggressively Steve grabbed his hair and pushed his hips against him, he finally released him. Grabbing himself a little more cake as he laid down next to him, letting him catch his breath as he did. Resting the plate on Steve’s stomach and eating it as he watched him recover himself.

“Jesus Buck.” He heard Steve gasp as he lay there, looking up at the sky. “I feel like I got the asthma again.” He turned his head, his chest heaving, lifting the ice cream plate up and down as it did. “I can barely breathe…”

Bucky just lifted the spoon and put it in Steve’s mouth, giving him some more cake. “I’ll take that as a compliment punk.”

He picked up the plate when he was done, putting it aside to let Steve turn on his side and just look him up and down, really taking in the outfit as he did. He got a troubled look on his face as he did. As he let a hand run up and down his hip and waste as if feeling it again for the first time.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable in this?” He asked him, looking up at him. “I mean..”

Bucky was expecting this question again. He took Steve’s hand, the one with the new bracelet on it, which was reflecting the far off Coney fireworks. “Well if I’m being honest not completely.” He told him, resting his metal hand on his face. “But I’m okay with it Steve.” He then pulled Steve’s head against his. “Maybe it’s just my way of accepting it.. and moving on.” He looked in his eyes at that moment, their faces close together. “And maybe helping you do it too.”

Steve looked like he wasn’t sure what this meant first. “Accept what?”

“That you like this.” Bucky answered as if it should be obvious. “That you found me attractive that way.” He nuzzled his face softly. “It really is okay to admit it you know?”

Steve looked unsure for a minute before responding. “It just.. felt wrong for some reason.” He confessed, pulling Bucky closer to him. “It still feels wrong, knowing what I know now that’s all.” He paused for a moment. “Knowing what they did you.”

Bucky could see that conflict, the one that had been fueling his doubt lately. And wanted to help him through that and this was part of it too. For both of them. To accept and embrace all of it and take it into their lives. To make it theirs and truly move on.

“It’s not wrong Steve.” He whispered to him, turning his lips to brush his. “It’s not.” He let his metal wrap around his back, flattening against it “Besides I do look pretty hot in black after all don’t I?”

“Yes..” Steve seemed to agree as he closed the distance. “You do.”

“Don’t be ashamed of that Steve.” He finished as their lips touched. “Don’t let them do that to you..”

As his lips were consumed in another kiss, he thought about how they’d done that him over the years. How they’d degraded and debased him until he questioned himself and was afraid, so afraid to get to close. To reveal what he himself liked. What he wanted and desired from his partner. Felt weird ashamed by it. It took him a long time to release himself from that mental chain and embrace his true sexuality. He didn’t want Steve to suppress his desire either. Didn’t want to give that asshole the satisfaction.

He wanted to set them both free finally.

“I like the way you looked at me when you saw me in this.” He said against his lips. “I feel beautiful.”

Steve nuzzled his face against Bucky’s. “That’s because you are.”

“Let me fulfill all your fantasies Steve.” He told him, finally just saying it. “I’ll be whatever you want.” He smiled softly to him. “I’ll be your Soldier whenever you want… whatever way you want.”

Steve responded to this by turning him onto his back and pressing his body into the mattress. Bucky sighed and kicked his boots off, careful not to knock the table over as he did. And allowed Steve to yank his trousers off too. Feeling the cool night air to hit his ass, causing him to gasp as he wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips.

“You look so fucking hot tonight.” He growled, sitting up on his knees. “And the way you just.. fucked me was so.. amazing..” He got a grip on Bucky’s thighs and pulled them around him more. “And now I wanna fuck you.”

“Then good ahead punk..” Bucky purred, feeling him ready and right up against him. “Take your present..”

And with that, Steve did, pushing deep inside of him and retuning the favor from earlier. And Bucky’s eyes could still some fireworks, from different parts of the city and thought then he loved the 4th of July. Because it was the day Steve Rogers was brought into the world to eventually complete him.

“My Soldier..” He heard Steve growl as he plowed into him. “My Bucky… Mine..”

Everything left his head again and he just let go again, seeing fireworks all around and in his head. And he had no regrets about his choice of wardrobe. None at all. He was the Soldier after all, just as much as he was Bucky, and Steve loved them both.

He embraced this fully under a sky full of colors and felt… beautiful.

\--

He felt himself letting go of that doubt a little more, understanding what Bucky was saying to him. How he’d gently told him to get over himself and just, let himself truly want. To acknowledge his desire for Bucky in that outfit, how much it turned him on to see it hugging every part of his body like it did.

He still had the top on now, the leather vest with the straps and Steve found that so unbelievably hot that he started fucking him even harder, pulling his thighs more around his waist and leaning into it until Bucky was howling in pleasure, mingling with the sound of distant firework as he came, his body arching off the mattress as he did.

Steve kept going a little longer, just continuing to pound into him, hearing the whimper and thick moans that kept escaping him. Seeing those beautiful eyes flutter, his perfect lips parted, hair spread out on the mattress under the stars. He was perfect, so fucking hot and all his.

He relentlessly drew another climax out of him before finally stilling deep inside him and letting go himself. Letting go his own howl of triumph as he did. He then pulled him up into his arms and kissed him humidly, Bucky’s arms just weakly handing at his side a first as he sat there still impaled on him.

“You are every.. damn… fantasy.. I’ve ever had Buck..” He breathed against his lips. “You always have been.” 

Bucky finally was able to weakly lift his arms and loop them around Steve’s neck. “My Stevie..” He gasped, laying his head against Steve’s shoulder. “My punk…” He nuzzled Steve’s neck and nipped it softly. “You’re mine too.”

He seemed to almost doze off on his shoulder, still connected to him. Steve then very gently pulled him off him, causing a little groan as he did. And laid down with him in his arms, remnants of fireworks still going off all over the city around them. He pulled the blanket over them and lay there watching them, smiling to himself with his hand in Bucky’s hair.

“I used to think they were just for me remember?” He asked Bucky, who turned his head to look at him at him with hazy eyes. “Thought I was so damn special.”

“You were punk.” Bucky said as he nuzzled Steve’s shirt, which he was still wearing. “You always were.”

“You were always biased jerk.” Steve told him, rubbing his face in Bucky’s hair. “I was nothing special then. Just happened to be born on the 4th of July that’s all.”

“You became Captain America so...” Bucky said with a little amusement. “Guess it was pre-ordained then.”

Steve thought maybe he was right there. It was awfully coincidental wasn’t it? Like a sign from above. He wasn’t sure he believed in that but knew he’d done some extraordinary things in his life. But none of that was anywhere near as important as what he was doing now. Which was healing finally himself. Learning to accept everything about himself, even the parts that weren’t pretty either. Getting through it with the love of a man who, in his mind, was the real hero here. Who suffered and overcome so much. Who loved him with fierce protectiveness that had always made him feel like he could do anything. Bucky Barnes was someone exceptionally special, and Steve had a feeling he wouldn’t be here without him.

“If anything was pre-ordained jerk.” He finally answered, tilting Bucky’s face up to look at him.. “It wasn’t becoming Captain America. It was meeting you.”

He saw a soft look in Bucky’s eyes, almost looking like he was fighting back emotion. “Dammit punk why you gotta do me like that?”

Steve just smiled and kissed him again, a soft one under the stars and fading fireworks, thinking this was a perfect day. A celebration of another year of beating the odds. For both of them.

They pulled each other’s remaining clothes off, putting them aside just so they could lay skin to skin under the blanket. Holding each other just like that. “How about we just sleep up here tonight?” He suggested, nuzzling his face into Bucky’s scarred shoulder. “Cause I don’t feel like going anywhere.”

“What the birthday boy wants, the birthday boy gets.” Bucky declared, snuggling up next to him under the blanket. “Even though I was kina planning on that anyways.” He chuckled a bit. “Cat could use a break from us for a night too as well.”

It was a nice night for once. Summer nights didn’t get much better than this to be honest. And he couldn’t think of a better way to finish off his birthday by camping out on the roof with Bucky naked in his arms. All was right with the world at the moment.

“You had it all planned didn’t you?” He asked with amusement, nuzzling a bit more under the metal plate on Bucky’s shoulder. “Such a devious boo bear.”

“Yup.” Bucky confirmed , entwining their feet together, which stuck out under the blanket. “Got some plans for tomorrow too punk.”

Steve raised his eyebrows, lifting his head from Bucky’s shoulder. “Is that so?”

“Uh huh.” Bucky confirmed, smiling that secretive smile again. “Why should a birthday celebration just be one day right?”

Steve returned to nuzzling that shoulder, feeling that metal hand in his hair. Why not celebrate a little longer, when they had so much to celebrate right? “I suppose you’re not gonna tell me what else you got planned jerk.”

“Nope.” Bucky answered, burying his face in Steve’s hair. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Steve just shook his head and smiled. “Tease.”

After cuddling like that in the warm afterglow they both fell asleep right there on the mattress, tangled up in each other’s arms under the night sky. Both feeling happy, contented. And sleeping solidly on the roof of their house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> delving right in here. 
> 
> This chapter was very heavy on the Soldier, especially in the beginning and I was trying to find a scenario to let him experience other aspects of life beyond the bedroom and thought about how now that Bucky is able to switch on his own, that maybe he'd discover, by accident, that the Soldier doesn't seem to be as affected by them as he himself. Which makes sense considering how he he came about to begin with. Bucky used to retreat when he was in pain, which allowed the Soldier to take hold, and he still sort of fills that function. When things are too painful to talk about. Or when Bucky is in great physical pain, which happens during rainstorms obviously. 
> 
> The little experiences he has, such as petting the cat, making himself a bowl of cereal, eating pizza, taking a walk with Steve in the rain, I think were innocent enough activities but are so profound for that side of Bucky's mind. It shows him he has value beyond things he can 'do' for others. Which something Bucky is still sort of figuring out as well. The Soldier's progress is connected to Bucky's overall recovery. Getting used to being just 'normal' is something that Bucky is still working on himself. 
> 
> I liked the whole 'I married you too' thing as well. That the Soldier did understand the profound meaning of the ring on his finger until Steve explained it. Or understand, like Bucky needs to understand as well, that is beautiful. He needs to gain his own confidence as well, and that can only help Bucky in the long term as well. 
> 
> The book was one of those Easter Egg items, it appeared very early in the fic,in the first chapter to be precise, and I thought it would be great if Sharon sent to him, because Bucky is probably the one person who is probably suited as its guardain and deider of it's fate. And he will be working what to do with it in upcoming chapters. It's not the last Easter Egg that will appear, just the first in the eventual winding down of this fic (I can't say for certain when yet) but there it is. 
> 
> Steve's birthday yes, like Bucky's it was eventual and fun for both. And I thought I'd reverse it from his, hinting for a while now, that like Bucky really, REALLY likes Steve's stealth suit, that Steve had a fetish for Bucky's WS outfit, but thought it was problematic. Bucky decided to indulge this fantasy for him for partly that reason. To show him it was, in fact, okay to like that. And the other reason was for himself, to sort of embrace that part of him fully as well. 
> 
> And the reversal of the top, with the Soldier getting a chance to be the 'driver' so to speak, was an idea by a reader that was looking to incorporate somewhere. I do take requests and when I can fit them in it adds some depth to this whole thing. I thought this was a good time to do that. It also indulged another of Steve's fantasies about the Soldier, incorporating both elements of it. And lets be honest, he's right, Bucky looks so fine in that outfit so why not embrace that side and enjoy themselves right?
> 
> The bracelet Bucky gave Steve was a counterpoint to the one he himself was given in the previous book for their engagement. Steve gave it to Bucky the day after his own birthday in Mystic. When Bucky was having a particularly bad day. A while ago another reader, during that fic asked if Steve would get one of his own and I said eventually, but it wanted in the right time and context. 
> 
> The fact that Steve's birthday is the 4th makes it so much more fun too, and fireworks have been an ongoing theme for them over the course of this series so I like the idea that their roof is situated in such a way so they can see several different displays over the course of the night. 
> 
> And that the Soldier was slightly alarmed by the sound until he knew what it was was too good to pass up too. 
> 
> The cake does actually exist and it looks bomb. I would eat that cake cause I love apples, especially with cinnamon. And I figured the reference to apply pie was too pass u pas well :)
> 
> The next chapter will show the second half of what Bucky kind of referred to as 'Steve's birthday spectacular' and the idea of extending a birthday more than one day was idea my friend has about how your birthday should be celebrated for longer than a day so why not right? It will also feature that phone call I alluded to but never managed to get in this chapter (that happens sometimes *shrugs*) and Bucky will also show Steve the book, but whether Soldier sees it is up in the air because he might not have a good reaction to it. But there you go, a little preview of coming events. :)
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely comments per usual <3<3 and *hugs* to all *muah*


	30. Lost and Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one done in record time go me :) 
> 
> artwork on my tumblr per usual

Bucky woke up very early that morning, before the sun came up actually. He wasn’t precisely sure what had woken him, but it didn’t really matter because he just couldn’t go back to sleep now.

They had slept on the roof, tangled up together, naked under the blanket, and Bucky didn’t even bother to put any clothes on when he got up either. It’s not like anyone could see him up here anyways, there was a ledge that would hide the ‘intimate’ parts of his body anyways from the street view. And it was still pleasant outside, the early morning air feeling fabulous on his skin.

He disentangled himself from Steve’s arms, who fast asleep and snoring away, and got himself some coffee from the Keurig he’d snuck up here during the day yesterday, along with some creamer from the mini-fridge, as well. He had fully planned on staying up here all night. Preparation was key. And it had gone off without a hitch for a perfect birthday in his mind. Damn near flawless.

Taking the mug of coffee, his favorite one with Grumpy Cat on it, and walked over the ledge and just leaned on it, seeing sunlight peek over the horizon, the growing orange glow. He let his mind drift a little to various thoughts as he drank his coffee just like that.

Was thinking about the Soldier actually, his role last night in Steve’s birthday celebration, and the vague memories he had of the day before regarding it. Was thinking about the fact that he was harboring a bit of a secret about his alter-ego that he’d only hinted at to Steve that night. He’d discovered more than just the fact that he didn’t experience the headaches and his distraction with Steve’s PTSD, the wedding and the birthday celebration, had put it completely out of his mind.

And let’s not forget the cloud receiving the book had put on his mind too.

What he was hiding was that he’d learned the true nature of his other personality. That he might not be a purely psychological thing. He learned after his latest appointment with Pam and the neurologist, an appointment that Steve hadn’t been at for once, had been away on a mission, that there was a physical and chemical change to his brain as well. A permanent one most likely based on the preliminary information.

“The results of the latest MRI showed something we have never seen before. “Dr. Yan had said with same wonder he’d always when it came Bucky’s very unusual brain. “The deep scan shows that your brain is functioning very differently and that this ‘other personality’ you have is a direct result of it. Most likely from a combination of the serum you were given, the traumatic brain injury and the psychological trauma you endured as well.” He had looked at the chart again in disbelief for a moment. “Your brain did not just create a whole new personality, it created a whole new consciousness.”

This information while shocking to him, had also confirmed something Amelia had said as well during therapy once or twice. That developing secondary personality is extremely rare in adults, even ones who’d undergone serious trauma.

“Multiple personalities tend to start in children who experience extreme trauma.” She’d explained to him. “Usually because the brain is still developing at that point. Yours was already fully developed and you’d shown no signs of mental illness prior to the experimentation.”

Bucky had remembered just trying to take this into his head. The idea that the serum, and the fall, combined with the torture had fundamentally changed his brain chemistry. Which had been suspected before, but the latest scans were making a much clearer. This scan had been a semi-annual MRI to check his brain’s progress and had yielded these results.

The neurologist wanted to do another experiment with the sensors, for a week this time, now that Bucky could control when he could turn into the Soldier. And after consideration he’d agreed to it, but still hadn’t mentioned it to Steve yet. Now that his birthday was passed it seemed like a good time to do it.

Steve was doing a bit better lately, and he needed to discuss it with him. Discuss what this meant for them both. And realized that even though he was a little frightened to tell him, it wasn’t as terrifying as it would’ve been a year or so ago, when he wasn’t as sure about or as comfortable with the Soldier as he was now. And Steve loved the Soldier of course so there as that too.

His acceptance of this already was overwhelming to Bucky sometimes.

“Now this is a nice sight to wake up to.” He heard Steve’s voice behind him, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Puts the sunrise to shame.”

Bucky turned his head and looked back at Steve over his shoulder. “Glad you’re pleased punk.” He answered, smiling and turning back to his coffee. “But giving you a nice view was my whole point.”

He felt Steve’s arms slide around him from behind and nuzzle his neck. And Bucky was please to feel he wasn’t dressed either. Could feel his entire body against his backside and it was quite the welcome sensation he had to admit. He let his metal hand rest on Steve’s hands and leaned back into him a little.

“Where’d you get the coffee jerk?” He asked in Bucky’s ear. “Did you sneak downstairs while I was sleeping?” He felt him grin against his neck. “Because the thought of you climbing up and down those stairs naked is just… you know..”

“I’m sure it is.” Bucky answered, taking another sip of his coffee. “But alas it’s not that sorrid of a story.. I just snuck a coffee maker up here yesterday that’s all.” He motioned toward the roof shed. “In there actually.”

“Wow I’m impressed boo bear.” Steve whispered in his ear. “Guess you really did put a lot of planning into all this.”

Bucky smiled at that. “Be prepared I always say.”

He felt Steve nuzzle his neck a little more and decided to turn around in his arms, leaning his ass against the ledge. The coolness of it against his skin was actually very pleasant as he looped his arms around Steve’s neck and gave him a soft kiss, unable to help himself. He always kissed him more than once in the morning, and today was no exception.

Morning kisses tasted the best to him and he never skipped out on those.

“Did you have a great birthday punk?” He asked as he pulled his lips away, letting his metal fingers play in that blonde hair.

“I sure did jerk.” Steve answered, pulling him a little more against him as they leaned against the ledge. “Best one so far.”

“Good.” Bucky said, watching the rising sun reflect off Steve’s eyes, and lighting up his hair. “I need to.. talk to you about something.” He let his eyes get serious as he said this. “It’s kinda important.”

Steve looked concerned for a minute. “What is it?” He asked, lifting a hand touch his face. “Are you okay?”

“Yes and no.” Bucky answered, biting his lip. “It’s kinda.. complicated.”

“Can you explain that to me?” Steve asked, looking a little more worried.

Bucky bit his lip for a moment and looked in his eyes. “I haven’t been completely honest with you lately.” He started, fingers still playing on Steve’s neck. “And I know that’s kinda hypocritical considering what I kinda accused you of last week.” He looked down, still biting his lip a little. “So if you wanna be me that’s fine.”

“Tell me what it is first.” Steve told him, lifting his chin back up to him again. “And we’ll see how mad I am.”

“It’s about the Soldier.” Bucky just finally spit out, looking in his eyes. “He’s not… what we think he is.”

Steve looked shocked by this. “Then what is he Buck?”

“He’s not just a psychological condition Steve.” Bucky explained, watching Steve’s eyes as he talked. “He might.. be permanent part of me and I don’t know…how I feel about that yet.”

It was true, he didn’t. He needed some help with this. He’d already started a dialogue with Amelia, who had encouraged him to talk with Steve about it too. With all the distractions he’d put it out of his mind almost completely but now was the time of reckoning he supposed.

“How and.. .when did you find about this?”

“My last appointment. The MRI I got.” He admitted. “When you were away on the last mission before I grounded you.”

“So, when I asked how that appointment went and you said everything was fine that was kind of a lie?” Steve asked him pointedly. “You’ve known about this for over a week.”

“Basically yeah.” Bucky answered, feeling chagrined. “I needed some time to process it, to talk to Amelia and I just.. wanted to be sure you were okay first.” He gave him a sheepish look. “So, like I said I was kind of a hypocrite for getting mad at you so… so you can let me have it if you want.”

He expected Steve to do just that, because, well, he kind of deserved it. But instead of just getting mad outright he just lifted his arms and put his hands on Bucky’s face. “Just tell me the whole thing Buck.” He told him, his voice soft and full of concern. “And tell me there is no danger to you.” His fingers stroked Bucky’s face softly as he did. “That’s all I need to know. It’s all I care about.”

Bucky felt the emotion in him build on that statement alone. That all Steve wanted really was to know that Bucky would be okay. The lack of anger even though Bucky felt he deserved it for keeping a large secret, even from himself for a while, was almost overwhelming and felt he could barely keep it together enough to tell him the whole thing. But he managed to do it. Steve’s hands on his face kept him steady enough to tell him this. And maybe about the book too.

Because he needed help with that too he knew.

“It was the serum. And the fall.” Bucky began to explain. “Because I was healthy in other respects it changed my brain more than anything else.” He paused for a moment, taking a breath. “And when they tortured me it just.. brought it out, brought him out.” He looked hard into Steve’s eyes to clarify this part to him. “He’s not a just personality Steve, he’s a whole other person inside my head. And I know that sounds crazy but it’s true.” He bit his lip again nervously. “I think I’ve known it for a long time too. He just.. felt too real you know?”

Steve nodded and continued to hold his face in his hands. “I think I have too.” He told him softly and then asked the thing that he was concerned about again. “It’s not dangerous to you is it?”

“They didn’t seem to think so.” Bucky answered, recalling what they’d said to him. “In fact they said for me it might be a good thing.. I can rest one part of me and still be awake and functional.” He gave Steve a sort of half smile at that. “Two of me for the price of one.”

“Is it permeant Buck?” He asked. “Is he… staying?”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered, giving Steve a unsure smile. “I think he is.” He searched Steve’s eyes and asked his own question. “What do you think about that?”

It took a minute for him to respond, but Bucky should not have been surprised by the response as he was. It was typical of Steve. “I’m perfectly fine with it Buck.” He said to him, leaning his face against Bucky’s and smiling softly. “As long as you’re okay.” He turned his face slightly so their lips were brushing each other’s. “It’s just more of you to love.”

He knew that Steve loved the Soldier too, very deeply as well. And while that used to bother him, it didn’t anymore. The Soldier, while his own person in a way, was still a part of him too. They were no longer separated from each other, were linked together now through mutual memory, that pathway was fixed between them, but they could each be their own person too if they wanted to be. It didn’t occur to him until much later just how selfless this thought was. Of his willingness to share not only his headspace with another person, but Steve as well.

“You love us both.” He whispered to Steve, letting himself get pulled even closer. “God you’re amazing punk did I ever tell you that?”

“I think you might’ve a couple of times jerk.” Steve answered, closing that distance a little more. “But I’m not amazing as you.”

The kiss that resulted was so emotional, so deep and intimate, he could actually feel tears in his eyes as it happened. His arms tightened around Steve’s neck and heard himself whimper softly against his lips as if fighting back the emotion. Which was pointless because he couldn’t if he tried. He felt so much love, so much acceptance at that moment.

He let Steve pick him back up, let his legs wrap around him, just wanting to go back to the mattress and display those feelings physically yet again. And that’s where precisely where Steve took him, bringing him over and laying him back on it. But before they go too deep in it he needed to ask more thing.

“Steve?” He breathed against his lips, before pulling them away and looking up at him. “Can you do something for me?”

Steve braced himself on one hand and looked down at him, the other hand on his face. “Anything Buck?”

“Help him.” He told him, feeling that emotion spill out.” Keep showing him there’s more to life than what they told him.” He blinked back the tears for just a moment longer. “Because all they did was hurt and use him and he needs you to help him.. please?”

“Of course I will Buck. I promise.” Steve told him, hand softly brushing his hair. “But right now.. I’m gonna tacke care of you.. because you need it too.”

He hadn’t realized how much he did need that too right now. A weak moment of emotion and he just.. needed him more than anything. He just nodded to him at that point, and let himself be kissed again, as the sun rose behind them both, bathing them both in its warm glow.

Bucky hands tangled in Steve’s hair, just whispering words of love as he lost himself in the feel of his hands and lips on his body. Another grand way to spend the morning in his mind.

\--

Laying there afterward, Steve was just holding Bucky, who’d fallen asleep again in his arms. And he decided to let him sleep a little longer. Pondering what he’d just learned and his own feelings about it.

That the Soldier was not going away anytime soon. He was going to be a part of their lives for the foreseeable future, and while it was shocking, there was a part of him that was happy about that prospect as well. He hadn’t wanted to show it the moment of confession but still felt it. The Soldier had added new dimension to their lives, but now even more so.

Bucky’s request to him played in his head too _help him.. keep showing him there’s more to life than what they told him.._ Steve had seen this in the Soldier, this strange innocence, a naivete about normal life. It had been a strange juxtaposition to his capacity for violence. He’d realized what Bucky had been trying to tell him, that this other part of him had been essentially born and raised in that violence and was now learning to adjust to normal life, like a feral child brought in from the woods. Or a child soldier put back into society after years of just being a killer.

Remembering him the day before yesterday, with the pizza, and the walk in the rain. How joyous he had been to discover how fun tickling was. Basic things that Bucky understood already but for the Soldier were new experiences. He realized that he did want to show him more of those things. To show him life in general was more than violence and duty.

And the Soldier himself seemed to want to learn. Seemed hungry for it now.

He ran his hand over Bucky’s hip comfortingly, feeling him wiggle a little closer to him as he did. Felt his hair tickling his chest as he laid there. “Should probably get up soon.” He heard Bucky murmur against his chest. “But I’m just.. so damn comfortable here on my.. Steve pillow....”

“Well there’s no hurry jerk.” Steve told him, rubbing him a little more. “It’s still early.”

And to be honest Bucky’s lips felt really good on his skin. His tongue too. He just seemed to randomly tasting him and Steve was not complaining about that. He just returned the favor by rubbing his hip some more before moving his hand south, cupping one of the gorgeous cheeks and kneading it gently with his fingers. It was more of a soothing action, and it seemed to cause Bucky to purr against his chest, his eyes fluttering as he continued to nuzzle him there, his metal arm wrapped around his waist.

Sometimes they did lay just like this, just touching each other comfortingly. And considering what Bucky had just confessed to him a little while ago, this sweet afterglow touching was very much in order.

Wrapping his other arm around his head, letting his fingers just tangle in his brown hair, Steve pressed his lips to his head and left them there for a moment. “I love you.” He said softly against his skin.

“I know you do punk.” Bucky replied, his own lips still pressed to Steve’s chest. “I love you too.” He seemed to pause what he was doing for a moment as if thinking. “I think there was a part of me that thought maybe you loved him more..” He seemed to smile and nuzzle his nose against him now. “It’s stupid but I felt it.”

Steve was a bit surprised by this admission but knew he shouldn’t have been. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know I just did.” Bucky told him, resting his chin on Steve’s chest now. “It’s not like I was exactly rational then.”

“Well it’s not true.” He assured him. “I love you both the same.. I know it seems cliché but I do.”

He couldn’t describe really to anyone who was asking. It was like being in love with two different people. What he didn’t say was the reasons were different. He was bonded with Bucky on so many levels, they knew each other better than anyone, had been through everything together and would literally die for each other. With the Soldier is was born out of a need to protect him, out of how innocent he could be in spite of his violent background. The way he’d gone from completely mistrustful to utterly devoted in a matter of months.

Truth is he felt a deep love for them both, and neither one he wanted to be without ever again.

“That’s just so typical you.” Bucky said, lifting his arm to touch Steve’s face reverently. “You got a huge heart punk.” He slid up a little to get closer. “And you just love the lost souls.”

“Neither of you are lost anymore jerk.” Steve told him, wrapping his arms around him. “Cause I got you both right here, and I’m never letting you go again.”

Bucky just seemed to cuddle into him, allowing himself to be held for a little bit. “Our Steve.” He whispered into his shoulder. “Ours forever.”

He wasn’t sure which one it was who said that, it didn’t matter right now. They just curled up for a little bit longer just like that under the blanket as the morning moved on.

Later on, they grabbed some clothes and Steve watched as Bucky, still only clad in his shorts now, picked up the suit he’d worn earlier and look at it for a moment. And Steve recalled last night, the way he’d looked in it, like something out of dream. Just gorgeous, hot and everything in between. They way Bucky had fucked him while wearing it. As the Soldier and how hot that had been. And how he’d just returned the favor later. He was pure fantasy last night and Steve knew he’d keep that memory for a long time.

But he still wasn’t sure if this still wasn’t a nightmare for Bucky to look at it now that the birthday celebration was over, and all the pleasure had worn off and left him with the residue bad memories again. So he was naturally concerned now.

“You gonna keep it?” He asked carefully. “The suit I mean.”

Bucky held the vest in his hand and looked at Steve, a small smile on his face. “Well you did seem to like me in it so I’m considering it.”

“I did but… it’s up to you Buck.” Steve replied, stepping over to where he was. “If you’re uncomfortable with it than it can be just one-off.” He put his hand on his arm and looked in his eyes. “Whatever’s okay with you.”

He watched Bucky considered it for a moment. Knowing he’d done terrible things and had terrible things done to him while wearing it. Wondering again if his desire for him in it was selfish in some way, despite Bucky’s assertions to the contrary the night before. But once again, Bucky surprised him.

“I’m gonna keep it.” He said firmly, putting it and the rest of the outfit back in the bag. “I wanna keep making better memories with it punk.” He looked up at him and smiled again as he finished putting it away. “Besides I had fun too.” His eyes took on a mischievous cast as he looked back at him. “We will definitely have to do it sometime won’t we?”

Steve just nodded in affirmation at that. “Yes.. we will.”

Seeing him, standing there with clear eyes, hair swaying gently in the breeze, his dog tags laying against his still naked chest, just took his breath away yet again. He just so.. healthy. It was just beautiful. He couldn’t help himself and just stepped over, sliding an around his waist and kissing him softly while he stood there holding that bag in his metal hand.

The flesh one slid down over Steve’s left wrist where he’d put the bracelet he’d gotten on. It seemed to twist around it as their lips parted. “I’m glad you like all your presents punk.”

Steve just smiled at that and brushed some hair out of his eyes. “The best gift I ever got was getting you back jerk.” He told him as he stared into those teal blues. “Nothing will ever top that one.”

“You’re so corny.” Bucky said back giving him another quick kiss. “But what would I ever do without you?”

They did clean up the roof, putting everything away and making sure to collect any food lest they get a bird infestation, before making their way back down the stairs to the unlocked window. Steve watched the way Bucky swung himself through it so effortlessly, and he didn’t need the serum to give him that grace, he’d always had it. Recalling how he used do the same thing when they were kids all the time. He’d been entranced by it then too, by the fluidity of his movements. And his beauty too.

Very little had changed there in both respects.

“So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?” He asked him as Bucky put the leftover food in the fridge. “Or is that a surprise too?”

“Well..” Bucky said thoughtfully, putting his arms around Steve’s waist . “We gotta have breakfast and all but after that.. I was thinking we could just go for a ride?” He leaned and let himself swing a little, playfully like they were dancing. “You me and the Soldier.”

Steve pulled him closer, intrigued by that suggestion. “Both of you?” He asked swiping his lips over Bucky’s. “Interesting.”

“I meant what I said Steve.” Bucky told him, leaning his forehead against his. “I want him to have more good experiences and that would be a good way to continue wouldn’t it?”

The truth was it really intrigued hm as to how Bucky would do this. Sometimes he wasn’t obvious when he slipped into that part of him. It was going to make things interesting he knew, keep him on his toes. And he rather liked that unpredictability. He always did have a sense of adventure, they both did, and this was a whole new adventure for them.

“Alright.” Steve agreed, leaning in to kiss him again. “Sounds like a plan jerk.”

He got a handful of his hair and really kissed him this time. A brain scrambling kind of kiss. Bucky’s hands slid up his back to his shoulders and sort of wrapped around them, just like his tongue did around Steve’s. He just gripped his hair tighter and heard him whine a little as result, his fingers gripping Steve’s shoulders now. They just kissed until they were breathless, and when he pulled back, he could see he had scrambled Bucky’s circuits just a little. Loving that glazed look in his eyes.

“Better make that breakfast.” He said in a breathless voice. “Daylights wasting.”

“Yeah..um…sure.” Bucky answered, still looking dizzy and unfocused. “I was gonna make eggs but I don’t remember how now.”

“Then I’ll help you.” Steve told him, reaching over him to get the frying pan off the hook. “We’ll do it together boo bear.”

Bucky reached behind him, his eyes never leaving Steve’s and popped open the small door on the front of the fridge that allowed them to get the more frequently used items. And very deftly pulled the eggs out, placing them on the counter behind Steve. And then pulled the butter out too.

“Yes I could use the help.” He whispered in his ear as he leaned into him to put a piece of butter in the pan. “It is a two-person job and all.”

“Definitely.” Steve agreed, putting the pan on the oven as they turned together, perfectly in sycn in a dancing like way. “Requires teamwork.”

Once the pan heated up, Bucky reached behind him and grabbed a couple of those eggs and turned in his arms. Cracking them on the edge of the skillet and dropping them onto it as Steve nuzzled his neck. This was turning into a fun morning he thought as he reached over and popped the toast in as well.

“Thankfully I’m good at concentrating punk.” Bucky told him as he cooked the eggs. “A real multi-tasker.”

Steve smiled and bit his neck softly, fingers playing in the waistband of his shorts. “We’ll see about that jerk.”

And with a bit more touchy feely fun in the kitchen, they did manage to make breakfast without a disaster occurring.. All the while the cat watching these shenanigans with her annoyed cat look. Washing her paws as her humans continued to be goofy idiots around each other. But she was fine with it, as long as they loved on her and she got her bacon. Which she did. It was cooked especially for her.

It was a beautiful, lazy Sunday morning. With he and Bucky teasing and flirting with each other over breakfast. For Steve this simply domesticity couldn’t be any more perfect.

\--

Bucky made the decision after breakfast that he would let the Soldier have at least part of this day. He himself had been exhausted lately, at least mentally. Especially wrestling over how to show Steve the bool and his decision regarding it. And the information in general about the nature of the Soldier. Bucky himself had become quite protective of his alter ego as well and wanted him to enjoy more things. Simple things like his and Steve’s flirty breakfast making earlier.

A bike ride out in the country might be a nice escape from the city crowds on 4th of July weekend, because the Soldier still wasn’t comfortable around a lot of people yet.

And he’d already hinted at with Steve too, so he knew there were no problems there either.

So after he got changed into a light-blue Brooklyn Dodgers shirt and his favorite pair of jeans upstairs, he decided to flip himself into it for a little while. Steve was downstairs making some sandwiches to bring with them and so wasn’t present for the change, not that he hadn’t seen it before mind you, but sometimes it was nice to surprise him with the Soldier.

Closing his eyes, he leaned on the bureau for a moment, telling him he could come forward _You want to spend some more time with Steve?_ He asked in his head. _I need a little more rest.._

The Soldier was actually quite happy with it, knowing Bucky was wrestling with some things lately. They did share a brain after all, and although he wasn’t privy to every thought or memory. Which was fine with him, they both kept their own counsel sometimes.

When he came into actual consciousness, he was already dressed this time. Lighter, different clothes than he was used to. His hair was even tied back away from his face too. To the Soldier he looked different, not like he used to, and he had a feeling Steve would like this too. Steve seemed to like everything he did. Except when he was in pain, Steve didn’t like that, and always tried to make him feel better.

Turning he saw the little creature, _Arya _he reminded himself, and went over to pet her. He liked doing that. She made that sweet little noise and rubbed against him, and then pawed at him, looking up with her big green eyes. The Soldier was confused by this at first before he heard Bucky’s voice in his head, _she wants to be picked up_, he explained to him. _She likes to sit on our arm._

Carefully he reached under her with his hand as not hurt her, and lifted her onto his metal arm, where she happily sat and purred more, rubbing her head against his chest. Which caused him to smile, which sometimes still felt strange to him. _You’ll get used to that too_, Bucky told him. _And you’ll like it._

“Let’s go down and see Steve.” He told the little cat, who just looked up at him with a trusting look. “Is that good?”

Arya meowed at him to answer and the Soldier carried her down the stairs to the kitchen where Steve was. He smiled again when he looked at him. He was so beautiful to him, just made him so happy, an emotion he was starting to like a lot. _Our Steve.._ he thought to himself as he walked over to see what he was doing.

“There you are.” Steve said looking at him from what he doing. “Almost ready?”

The Soldier looked at him confused. “For what?”

It seemed to take Steve just a minute to realize that he wasn’t joking. Or that he wasn’t exactly Bucky. “Oh it’s you.” He said to him as he spread the tan stuff on the bread. “We’re going for a bike ride, would you like that?”

“Bike ride?” The Soldier, still a little confused about this as he continued to pet the cat. And then he Bucky again _Motorcycle_, he explained. _We’ve ridden one before remember?_

Now he did, memories of riding one on missions. Ones where he hurt people, which caused him to wince a little, which Steve noticed and stopped what he was doing.

“Are you okay?” He asked, walking over and putting his hands on his face. “Soldier?”

“We used the bike for… missions..” The Soldier said quietly, biting his lip. “We did bad things.”

Steve just gave him a soft look. “It’s not that kind of bike ride.” He explained, looking in his eyes. “It’s for fun.. and you don’t have to drive if you don’t want to.”

“Fun?” The Soldier answered, it wasn’t really a question. He was starting to understand ‘fun’ and found he liked that too, causing him to smile. “Okay.”

Steve kissed him on the head and then petted the cat he was holding. “I see you’ve made friends with her too.” He observed. “She likes you.”

“We like her too.” The Soldier beamed. “Bucky was right she’s nice.”

“Bucky usually is.” Steve answered with a chuckle. “More than I am actually.” He turned back to the food he was preparing. “I just gotta finish the sandwiches and we can go okay?”

The Soldier nodded and watched him finish the food. It was on what Bucky called ‘bread’ and had this brown spread on side and this dark red on the other. The Soldier wasn’t sure what it was, but it smelled good. He looked at Steve curiously, who handed him a spoon as he could read his mind.

“It’s peanut butter and jelly.” He was told. “Try it, it’s good.”

Putting the spoon in the jars, he tried both and found he really liked them. Especially together. He had inkling from Bucky that he liked these ‘sandwiches’ so the Soldier had a feeling he’d like them too. It was salty and sweet at the same time and it made him smile more. Discovering more and more things all the time made that happen.

“Don’t eat all of it now.” Steve told him, with hint of affection in his voice that kept the Soldier from shrinking back at the order. “We gotta save some for Bucky tomorrow.”

Putting the cat down on the chair finally, the Soldier walked around the table again and put his arms around Steve from behind and just sort of hugged him like that. He didn’t know why he did it, just wanted to. His shirt felt soft on his face as he nuzzled his shoulder and wrapped his arms around his shoulders from behind. He even smelled good and the Soldier breathed him in.

“Our Steve.” He whispered against his shirt. “We love him.”

“I love you too Soldier.” Steve said with back to him, looking over his shoulder as he wrapped up the sandwiches. “Hey if you want you can ride like this on the bike too.”

The Solider buried his face more in Steve’s back and smiled. “We would like that.’

He would hold Steve like this forever if he could, just breathing him in. Feeling him in his arms. Most people when they’d seen him before usually stayed away from him. Or ran away. And the ones that didn’t were the ones that hurt him. But Steve had changed all that for him, He didn’t like or trust most people but Steve. Steve was different. He wanted to be close to him all the time.

He watched over Steve’s shoulder as he put the sandwiches and a few other items into the bag on the counter. Watched everything he did with his eagle eyes, learning as he went. He smiled to himself, seeing the matching ring and bracelet on Steve’s hand and wrist. _Wedding Ring.._ he thought to himself. _Married.._

The Soldier put his hand on Steve’s, his own ring tapping against his. “Ours forever.” He whispered into his back. “Our Steve.”

Steve finished and turned around in his arms, pulling him closer. “Yes I am.”

They kissed softly, the Soldier wrapping his arms tighter around Steve, feeling that strong hand in his hair as he did. He loved kissing Steve. Remembering what a revelation it had been the first time he’d been kissed. No one had ever done that before. It had stared to make him trust him. Because it didn’t hurt, it wasn’t scary or even remotely threatening. It just felt good. And Steve had told him that was how it was always supposed to feel.

“Okay..” He heard Steve say as he pulled away. “You ready to go?”

The Soldier nodded, still feeling a bit hazy from the kiss. “Yes.” He answered, his eyes shining. “Fun.”

Throwing the bag over his shoulder, Steve took the Soldier’s hand and led him to the garage door and into it. Where the bikes were. There were two of them and a truck. And those bikes looked nothing like the ones he’d driven. They looked nicer. More colorful. They looked fun.

“Which one you wanna take?” He was asked. “The red or the blue?”

They were both pretty, and the Soldier had inkling that the red one was Bucky’s. And while he liked that a lot, he wanted to ride on the blue one today. “Yours.” He told Steve. “Today.”

Indicating without saying it that he’d like to do this more often, and next time take his and Bucky’s bike.

“Alright old blue it is.” Steve said with a smile on his face and handed something to him. “You gotta put this one though it’s the law.” The Soldier looked at the round item confused, causing Steve to smile even brighter as he turned it over. “It’s a helmet. It goes on your head silly and I wanna protect that.”

He’d never worn one before, the others hadn’t really cared about his head enough to provide him with one., and he let Steve help put it on him. But he figured it out halfway through on his own. He didn’t necessarily like it on his head, hated anything on his head actually, it reminded him of the machine. Hut he trusted Steve and knew it made him feel better if he wore it.

Steve got on the bike and turned and motioned to him to sit behind him. The Soldier was unsure at first how this worked, but then remembered it was like earlier, he could have his arms around him. So he climbed on and did just that, holding him the same way as Steve started up the bike.

“Hold on.” He heard Steve call back to him. “Here we go.”

The Solider tightened his arms around Steve’s waist as he backed the bike out of the garage and then closed the door, before they went out on the street and took off. And the Soldier found that he enjoyed this very much. It was nothing like riding the bike on missions.

It was exhilarating. And he actually knew what that word meant.

Holding onto Steve with the world passing him by, not driving himself but trusting Steve to take care of him, he leaned into him and found himself smiling brightly. Bucky had been right, he could get used to being happy. Of being this free.

Steve went faster as they got further away from the city and the people, and everything flew by at top speed. He took in all the sights and sounds and smells that he never had time for before. Usually he was out mostly at night and wasn’t really paying attention to the scenery. Was focused. But now, he was seeing the world. Like the walk in the rain the other day, he was seeing things anew. And absolutely loving it.

A noise came out of his throat, one he was getting used to now. He was laughing with joy. He held Steve tighter, resting his chine on his shoulder and just kept doing it.

\--

When Steve pulled the bike over by a field out in the country, he turned the bike off and turned to his Soldier and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A big grin on his face. Getting off the bike he wasted little time pulling his companion off of it and stripping his helmet off to get a better look at his joyous face.

“Did you like that?” He asked, his hands resting on his shoulders.

The response he got was the Soldier throwing his arms around his neck and kissing him fiercely, almost knocking him off his feet as he did. But he caught himself and held him, lifting his feet a little off the ground as he did, and digging his free hand into his hair and returning that kiss.

“I guess you did…” He whispered against his lips as he pulled away just a little.

“We did.” The Soldier replied, his face flush with color. “We liked it a lot.”

“Good.” Steve answered, stepping back a little more and grabbing the bag that was strapped onto the bike. “Now how about we have lunch?”

The Soldier nodded, taking Steve’s other hand. “Hungry.”

They had been on the road for a couple hours, only stopping for gas, which he remembered the Soldier watching intently as he did. He watched everything he did it seemed, taking everything bit of information he could. Steve thought this was interesting and absolutely adorable.

There was a clearing up a little hill that had a shady tree, and it was the perfect spot for a picnic. Steve watched the Soldier as he walked, taking in the scenery as if it was something new. And to him it was. Realizing he’d never really gotten the time to look around and just see the world. His look was like Bucky’s only softer, more innocent. Almost childlike in a way.

He pulled out the blanket and laid it out, putting the bag with the food on it and plopping down. Looking up he saw the Soldier looking at him curiously and reached out his hand to him. Which was taken and he pulled him down onto it, almost right in his lap too.

“Good as place as any.” He told him, giving him a quick kiss before grabbing the bag. “You like the view?”

“Yes.” The Soldier replied, looking around, his hair blowing in the breeze. “Pretty.”

Steve handed him a sandwich, watching him unwrap it eagerly and wolf it down. He didn’t slow him down this time, he’d made more than one for both of them. The Soldier was still getting used to be able to eat without time restraints, so it was okay. But he made sure he had something to drink too. He just ate his own sandwich and brushed some of that brown hair out of his face, watching him smile at him over his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He pulled the Soldier’s legs over his own lap as he ate, and thought this was just perfect.

The blue eyes were Bucky’s, and so was the smile. It was him, but it wasn’t him. Sometimes it was so surreal he could hardly believe it. Or the fact that he loved them both so damn much.

“Told you you’d like peanut butter and jelly.” He told him, and then handed him a second sandwich. “I even made you two cause I knew you’d be hungry.”

The Soldier was happily surprised and tore into the second one too, and it was so cute he could barely handle it. He handed him his water and watched him drink that too, just playing with his hair as they sat like that, his other hand resting on one of the Soldier’s legs.

“Bucky likes peanut butter.” The Soldier said around inhaling his sandwich. “We like it too.”

Steve just smiled at him, letting his other hand rest on his knee. “Where is Bucky?”

“Said he needed to rest.” He answered, drinking some more water. “Said we can spend some time with Steve.”

“Is he okay?”

The Soldier seemed to think about this for a moment before answering. “Just said he needed some time.”

Steve wondered if he was okay, because this seemed vague, even for Bucky. Thinking maybe he still had something on his mind. He’d sensed there was more than just his admission about his MRI results, but hadn’t pushed. He’d come to it in time. And Steve also realized that once again, Bucky was giving him a gift. A very selfless one in just, letting him and the Soldier have more time together.

He’d wanted Steve to help the Soldier see the world differently. And he would. Show him what Hydra never did. But would also make sure he could take care of Bucky too if he needed it. He could balance both. He knew he could. Was already learning how to.

“Steve worries about Bucky.” The Soldier said, putting his metal fingers on Steve’s face as if to comfort him. “But Bucky says don’t worry.” He smiled softly. “Says he okay.”

Steve took his face in his hands and leaned his head against his. “Thanks Soldier.”

“Bucky used to tell me about Steve.” The Soldier said thoughtfully. “When we were in there with them.” He could see the way his face pinched slightly when he talked about that. “But if he talked to us too much.. we ask questions and..” He paused, his hands resting on Steve’s arms. “They didn’t like that.”

He hated hearing that, but didn’t ask a follow-up to it for now. “Well you can ask any questions you want Soldier.” He told him, rubbing his face against his. “I’ll let you.”

“Steve let’s do lots of things.” The Soldier declared, sitting back a little. “We like that.”

He watched as he sat back on the blanket, their legs still entwined together. Looking up at the tree over there head. At the birds flying over their heads. At the sky and the clouds. Just once again taking it all in as if he’d never seen it before. The world was opening up around him it was so pleasing to watch it happen.

The look on his face reminded him of Bucky when they were kids, when he’d find some new, fascinating thing and got totally into it. Like when they’d sit on the roof and Bucky would tell him about the planets and constellations, even though you couldn’t see as much with all the light pollution.

He thought that’s when he’d really started falling in love with him, even if he didn’t know it yet.

He’d fallen in love with the Solider, and knew he had but this, this just made him love him even more. Made him want to show him more and more things. To teach him things that didn’t involve violence at all.

“See that over there?” He asked him, pointing west toward some structures in the distance, well before the mountains on the horizon. “That’s a farm, one of our friends has one, they grow food there.”

The Soldier looked a little nervous at this, and Steve realized why. He wasn’t comfortable around other people yet. The only other person he’d talk to was Amelia. He could see the idea of other people nearby frightened him a little and simply pulled him a little closer to him.

“They’re not gonna bother us out here.” He assured him. “They’re very far away.”

The Soldier turned back to him and smiled, putting his hands on his face and kissing him again. He tasted like peanut butter and jelly and Steve loved it, letting his hands rest on waist as he slid more into his lap.

“Don’t want to share Steve.” The Soldier whispered against his lips. “Only with Bucky.”

There was that hint of possessiveness in his voice when he said that, and it gave Steve that stirring feeling in his stomach. “You don’t have to Soldier.” He told him, nuzzling his face. “I’m just yours and Bucky’s.”

“Ours.” The Soldier declared, climbing more onto his lap. “Ours forever.”

He gripped his hair again and kissed him deeper in response to that statement. Loving that the Soldier had taken that as a new mantra for himself. That had that cute possessiveness that Bucky had too. He wanted to make love to him right here and it was clear the feeling was reciprocated, judging by the hungry way he was being touched and kissed. He wrapped his other arm tighter around his back, meaning to lay him down on the blanket but wanted to be sure that was okay first.

They made love quite a bit on their own, but the Soldier was usually on top. Steve had been reluctant to show too much dominance over him considering his history. Just like he’d been with Bucky in the early goings. It felt like a redux of that and he supposed it was. He always wanted to err with caution.

So when he turned him and laid him down on his back he paused and looked down at him. “Soldier?” He asked, brushing his hair with one hand. “Is it okay like this?”

The Soldier looked confused for a moment and then just smiled at him. “We want Steve.” Was his response. “Here.. “ He felt his hands, brazenly undoing his belt. “Like this.”

It was the closest thing to a affirmative he was going to get, and he just leaned down and took his lips again, one of his own hands undoing an pulling down those jeans. The ones that fit Bucky and the Soldier so well it drove him crazy, and slowly slid them off, his fingers grazing the skin of his hips as he did it. Without even breaking the kiss. Bucky had told him once he was a PH D with that skill. From years of hard work and practice.

It wasn’t long until the Soldier had Steve’s undone too, and all he needed was to slip them down a little and he was freed. He felt those muscular thighs wrap around his and just let himself sink into him right there, groaning softly as he did. He could never get enough of the feeling of sliding into that perfect body, no matter which one was driving at the moment.

“Our Steve..” The Soldier moaned, his metal fingers sinking into his neck. “Ours…”

And then he made love to his Soldier, soft, sweet love under the tree in the middle of nowhere. Adding to his new experiences. And judging by his moans and cries, he liked this too, the sound echoing over the field as he did.

\--

Laying in Steve’s under the tree, the Soldier had never felt happier. There was a peace and serenity in laying out in the open like this. Steve had pulled a blanket around them both, hiding his nakedness from the world and for the Soldier, this basic kind of protection was almost more than he could handle. No one had ever cared this much for him. Had ever just.. covered him up when he was naked like this.

Love was the strongest ‘emotion’ he was feeling now that he was starting to feel them on his own, not attached to Bucky’s but his own set of feelings. But he wasn’t prepared for the fact that with the good emotions, came others as well. Bucky could’ve warned him about this kind of clarity of feeling. It brought it all in. The bad as well as the good.

And all it took was a far-off sound to trigger them and alter his mood.

For the moment he was still lost in the memory of being under Steve for the first time when ‘making love’ as Bucky called it. And the feeling of safety and trust was like nothing he’d had before. The Soldier rarely let anyone have that kind of control over him. Usually anyone who even tried before got hurt. But Steve was different. This was different.

He loved the feeling of his weight on his body, of his own legs wrapped around him. Of the way Steve would pull his body against his while looking in his eyes. The way he asked if it was okay this way. That was new to him When the other had done the sex thing, he never asked anything, just took what he wanted.

This was just a whole new type sex thing, and he could not get enough of it.

And after, oh after, Steve had gone down there and ‘taken care of him’ as he liked to say. His lips and tongue felt so good that beautiful feeling continued, causing him to grip his hair and make all kinds of noises he’d never made for anyone but Steve.

He could still feel it now. Feel it all over his body and he never wanted it to go away.

Steve was dozing when he rose up on his flesh arm and looked at him lovingly. Touching his face with his metal fingers and tracing it with adoration. “Our Steve.” He whispered to him, resting that same hand on his chin as leaned over to kiss his head. “We love him so much.”

But it was just then that noise kicked in. A low hum that sounded familiar. The sound of a flying machine. He’d known caused he’d flown one several times in missions. And as he sat there, crouched over a sleeping Steve, a memory started to rain into his head and he froze like that, feeling the horror of it sink into him.

_He had to kill him, the man in the red, white and blue suit. There was a fight, one of several. He had failed the first time and gotten punished for that. Gotten the blue light from the man who was his handler. The one who’d hit him when he wouldn’t listen. When he kept insisting he knew him. Because that other voice kept telling him and he got hurt as a result. So this time he wasn’t going to listen. He was going to finish it. A small part of him knowing it was the last one and that maybe it didn’t matter either way. But he had a mission, he had to complete it. Failure was no longer an option he was told. _

_“I need you to do one more thing..” _

_And this was that one more thing. _

_He had stabbed him, shot him twice already and had his own shoulder dislocated, this one was tough. That voice in his head kept saying he knew him, but the Soldier didn’t want to listen to that voice. It only got them punished when he listened to it. And he was angry because this man wouldn’t die, had hurt him and he needed to stop him because… he didn’t know why, his programming was in disarray but still functional enough to keep telling him to eliminate the target. _

_“You know me..” _

_A wild swing with his metal arm. “No I don’t!” _

_He did. That voice kept screaming at him to listen but he just… couldn’t. They would hurt them. They would if he didn’t finish it this time. Even though that voice in his head told them him they’d hurt him anyways. They didn’t care about him, that this one did though. Had saved him not long ago. And he wasn’t fighting.. The Soldier was confused. _

_“Bucky you’ve known me your whole life.” _

_He swung at him again, wildly, he had very little balance, both arms were messed up, not moving right but he had to keep trying. You cannot fail was what they said. What they always said. _

_“You’r name is James Buchanan Barnes.” _

_“SHUT UP!” He screamed at him as he hit him again, just wanting him to stop talking and confusing him. Wanting him to fight. But he still wouldn’t, and it was messing with him even more._

_Why wouldn’t he fight? He didn’t understand, everyone did but this one wouldn’t anymore. His mind was full of noise now, different voices. Phrases he didn’t understand. I’m with you til the end of the line. Things like that. It made no sense. He’d been hearing them for a long time. Hearing lots of things that didn’t make sense to him._

_“I’m not gonna fight you.” His target said, dropping his only protection as he did. “You’re my friend..” _

_It made no sense, he had no friends. He had no one except for them. He had missions that was all. That was all he existed for. It made him more angry and confused than ever though because his voice sounded familiar. It sounded like he cared about him, but at the same time if he let himself believe what could be a trap, he’d be hurt again, worse than before. _

_So he just threw himself at him instead, knocking him over. “You’re my mission.” He growled at him and just started hitting him, just wanting him to shut up. To stop those voice in his head. _

_“You’re..” One punch. “My.” Another. “Mission..” _

_The Soldier looked down at the bloody face below him, his metal arm raised to finish it, when he spoke for the last time and everything changed. _

_“Then finish it.” The man said, still looking at him that same way. “Because I’m with you til the end of the line.” _

_His arm stopped and in that moment a flash of that same face, younger but no less beaten up went through his head. That phrase he’d heard in head that just wouldn’t leave him coming out of his bloody mouth and he just knew it was true. He didn’t know who he was yet. But he knew it was true…_

The Soldier sat there, leaning on Steve now, the image of his face battered and bruised by his own hand stuck behind his eyes and felt a pain he’d never felt before. There was nothing physical about it, but it hurt like hell and he finally understood how that was possible. How you could hurt and not be in any real pain.

He’d almost killed his Steve. More than once too. The only person he’d ever loved. Who ever truly loved him. He’d loved him then too, it was why he’d stopped fighting. Remembering all the feelings including the anger he’d felt at being confused like that. It hurt so much to think he couldn’t even fathom this amount of pain.

His metal hand was still on his face and the image of himself hitting Steve with it over and over filled him and withdrew it from his face. How could he touch him with that hand after he’d… done that? He sat back looking at it in horror. It may not have been the same arm as before, but he’d still hurt him. He could hurt him again. It was terrifying to consider. He stared at it and back at a waking Steve with his eyes wide, hair blowing around his face.

“Soldier?” Steve asked, sitting up a little and reaching for him. “Are you okay?”

He shirked back a little from the touch, not in fear of Steve but of himself. “We hurt you.” He stammered, holding himself away. “We were supposed to… to kill you…” His wide, terrified eyes met Steve’s. “We almost killed our Steve..”

Steve sat up all the way, sorrow and concern in his eyes as he reached for him again. “That was a long time ago Soldier you weren’t yourself.”

“We’re a monster.” He continued, shaking his head and backing away a little more. “We don’t.. deserve.. Steve..”

But his Steve wasn’t about to let him get too far away from him and reached out, pulling him to him, in spite of his efforts to pull away. Steve pulled the Soldier into his arms and began to stroke his hair soothingly. And as much as he tried to resist a part of him wilted in those arms too. Like he always had.

“You’re not a monster.” Steve whispered in his ear. “You had no choice Soldier.” The arm around his back held him tighter, other hand still stroking his hair. “They never gave you one.”

His face was pressed into Steve’s shoulder, still refusing to put his metal arm around him, unable to get the images out of his head. “How could Steve love us?” He asked in a broken voice. “We don’t deserve it.”

“Yes you do.” Steve continued to tell him. “You’ve always deserved to be loved Soldier.”

He just sat there, his arms still at his sides, just shaking violently. He wasn’t even sure the blue light even hurt this much. He just couldn’t deal with it. He squeezed his eyes shut, needing to go away for a little bit inside his head. Calling Bucky back for now. He was the one who deserved to be with Steve. He should’ve listened to him then. He’d always been right.

Bucky himself became aware of the despair in the call, thinking it was way too soon to come back. But he could read distress in the Soldier’s overall mood and it immediately made him worry about Steve. It was only thing he could think of that would distress him that much. Something happened to Steve. So Bucky awoke, finding himself in Steve’s arms, half-naked under a tree. It was confusing as hell. But confusion was something he’d learned to deal with over the years.

“Steve?” Bucky asked, lifting his arms and putting on his shoulders. “What’s wrong?” He lifted his head and looked in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

Steve seemed started by this question for a moment, before realizing it was Bucky now. “I’m fine…” He answered to Bucky’s relief. “It’s him… he’s not.”

Bucky scrunched his face in confusion for a moment, before hearing the far-off sound of a helicopter. Which did sometimes trigger a flashback in him if it was too close. Of the heli-carrier incident from the Insight mission. And the Soldiers strange mood when Bucky had taken back over made sense. He’d been triggered. He’d remember and Bucky felt pained and sad himself. Because he’d know himself that that part of him wasn’t ready for that information yet. It was why he’d taken that memory and held it back from him.

“He remembered.” He told Steve, pinching his face up a little. “I was hoping he wouldn’t yet. I was trying to ..” He paused to take a breath. “Keep it from him a little longer.”

“But I thought he remembered everything Buck.” Steve asked, confused. “How is that possible. “

“Same way I didn’t Steve.” Bucky explained further, sitting back a little now. “Sometimes we block out things that are too painful.” He bit his lip and put his hands on Steve’s face and looked into his eyes. “He fell in love with you and he didn’t want to remember that so he didn’t.. and I didn’t want him to either. Not yet, so held it back too.”

Steve put his hands on his face and held them there for a minute. “But now he does.” He then said and pulled them down to look at him a bit defeated. “I screwed up.”

Bucky could take that look, not now. He reached over and pulled Steve into his arms holding him tight as he did. Comforting him because this was shocking as hell he was sure. He pressed his hand to the back of Steve’s head and nuzzled his face into his blond hair, deciding then and there he was going to hold off on mentioning the book for now, until they dealt with this.

“No punk you didn’t screw up.” He told him, his face still buried in his hair. “I did because I didn’t tell you and I should’ve.”

He’d been talking about with Amelia in therapy. Basically, how to help the Soldier adjust to his situation. Because he was developing new feelings now, and he knew the guilt and shame would eventually show up too. He was becoming a more rounded human being, even if he was sharing his mind with someone else. And Bucky felt responsible for him now. He didn’t want Steve to have that burden. It was his to carry.

“What are gonna do about it Buck?” Steve asked against his shoulder.

“I don’t know yet Steve.” Bucky told him, closing his eyes and resting his chin on his head. “We’ll figure it out.”

“I love him too Buck.” Steve whispered painfully to him. “I don’t wanna lose him.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and held him tight. “I know you do.” He said in return. “And I don’t wanna lose him either.” He buried his face in Steve’s hair a little more. “We’ll get him back I promise.”

He meant it. He would figure it out. The Soldier was a part of him now he didn’t want to lose. There was a time when he would’ve been okay with that. But he understood and cared about him now, needed him around. And so did Steve. Steve loved him and Bucky wanted him around because of that too. They’d made something special here, the 3 of them, and he wasn’t going to let that go away.

But for now he just comforted Steve, who seemed to need it after that.

\--

Bucky had volunteered to drive back, after they got themselves back together that was. Steve was still bit wrecked about what had happened when he’d dozed off, blaming himself despite Bucky’s reassurances that it wasn’t his fault. He needed a few minutes to sort it out.

He’d seen that terrified look before in Bucky himself. Like when he’d first remembered the horrific things that had been done to him. The wide eyes, showing too much white. Just like he had that day on the carrier. The look when one realizes a painful truth and knowing it may be too late to fix it. That was the look that hurt.

Buc this time Bucky, although somewhat distressed himself, seemed to at least have it together. Better than Steve at least. He had such a strength in him, which Steve loved and admired so much.

“Well up until this.” Bucky observed, with a small tinge of humor in his voice. “Seems like it was a good day.”

Steve offered him a smile of his own as they were gathering everything. “It was actually.” He answered. “He really likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

“Well Rogers the way you make them I’m not surprised.” Bucky replied, looking up from folding the blanket. “The best pb and J in town by far.” He stuffed the blanket into the bag and smiled. “At least in my opinion.. for whatever that’s worth.”

Looking over at him Steve just couldn’t help noticing once again how good he always looked. Not just physically these days but in so many others. It seemed like lately when something went wrong, he just… took in stride. Ever since The Netherlands he’d been like this and it was quite the change. Somewhere there he’d figured something out, whether it was testifying, or confronting the Colonel for the last time, it had worked wonders for him.

He stood up himself and walked over, wrapping an arm around his waist. “It’s worth a lot to me jerk.” He told him, leaning his head against his. “As far as I’m concerned it’s the only opinion that matters.”

“You flatter me way too much punk.” Bucky said in a soft voice, putting his hands on his face. “But I don’t mind.”

He kissed him then, a soft one, and Steve could feel both the metal hand and the flesh one on his face, holding him to him. He wrapped both his arms around him and pulled him more to him, just needing to take his time with this. Needing the comfort only Bucky could provide right now. He was the one taking care of things right now. Just like he did when they were kids. He’d finally found his way back to that after all this time. His true nature as a caretaker shining through again.

“It’s gonna be okay Steve.” Bucky whispered against his lips, pulling away slightly. “He just needs to process that’s all.” He left that strangely warm metal hand on his face and leaned their heads together. “We all need to do that sometimes.”

No one understood that better than Bucky he knew. He was going to make a great counselor. Already working on his last set of credits for it. He always had the proper understanding and empathy and was certainly well-versed in trauma. Experience was a brutal teacher, but you learned from it.

“He’s just gotta know I’m not angry at him.” Steve told him, letting that feeling spill out to one of the few people he could really confess to. “That I forgave you both a long time ago.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Hell there was nothing to forgive.”

“I know that Steve.” Bucky assured him, wrapping his metal hand around the back of his neck. “And even if he doesn’t, I promise he will too.”

Steve just nodded as he stood there, just wanted to take a breath for a few more minutes. He turned his head and kissed him again softly, feeling those same metal fingers tangle in his hair, knowing Bucky just sensed his need for just this kind of touch and comfort. Thinking about all the times he’d done the same thing himself when Bucky felt lost or upset. The mutual understanding they always had of each other was just one of the many things that just, hadn’t changed from day one.

“We should probably get going punk.” Bucky finally said as they pulled apart again. “At least before it gets too late.” He took a look around for a moment and smile. “It is nice out here though.. I like when we come out here.”

He was right, it was. The way the rolling hills built up the horizon, turning into the Adirondacks was just such a splendid sight, especially when the sun was starting to go down. He could see that fading light off of Bucky’s eyes and could see the appreciation in them. And someday he hoped he could show the Soldier a sunset too. On another day when he felt better. He knew he’d love it just as much as Bucky did.

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, brushing some of Bucky’s hair back as they took an extra moment to appreciate the view. “We’ll do it again sometime.”

Packing up the bike, Bucky, got on first and Steve got on behind him this time. He wrapped his arms around his waist and leaned against him, ready to go home now. Remembering the ride up and all the joy the Soldier had on the back of the bike. The way he’d smiled when he’d gotten off of it. It was like when Bucky would get off the Cyclone. The color in his cheeks and the brightness in his eyes. He loved that look so much. On both of their faces.

Bucky started up the bike and they took off, the sun starting to lower by the mountains, almost to the point where it would be blotted out by them. And Steve thought himself maybe they’d get a second house out here, somewhere near the lake. A summer place they could go. Or hell even in the Winter. It certainly wasn’t a matter of cost, they could afford it.

He thought maybe he would do that. As a Christmas present of sorts for both Bucky and the Soldier. A nice peaceful place for both of them outside the city. For when they needed to peace in their heads.

His arms wrapped tighter around Bucky’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder as they rode, the scenery flying by them. Bucky didn’t skimp on the throttle when he rode the bike, always maxed it out outside the city. Some people might’ve bene nervous about going that fast, but Steve knew Bucky could turn on a dime on the bike. Had seen him do some amazing things on it. So he trusted him as completely as he’d trust himself.

Even if flying at over 75 mph with Bucky’s hair in his face. There was nothing like that in his mind.

Especially pressing himself this much into Bucky’s back, occasionally resting his hands on his hips as he did. It was easing his tension and angst to just touch him a little as they drove, slowing down only slightly as they hit the Narrows Bridge, which meant that the city was starting to pop up ahead. . Meant more cars around them but he still just let his hands wrap around him and flatten against his chest, letting his hands slide up and down it and back over his hips. Knowing Bucky was most likely smiling at this bit of fondling but kept to his concentration like a pro during it.

It took another 40 minutes to get home from there, due to Manhattan traffic, and the Brooklyn Bridge of course. Which was beautiful to go over at night, Steve never failed to appreciate the view. And had a distinct feeling Bucky was going to stop here, considering Steve’s antics on the bike earlier and he did, turning off and parking it underneath like they did with the truck sometimes.

He then did a deft move and turned around in Steve’s arms without even getting off the bike. Climbing into his lap and tossing aside both their helmets, but not too far to retrieve. “You were being awful frisky back there punk.” He said with a slight growl in his voice, his hands sliding into the back of Steve’s jeans a bit, while tossing his hair out of his face. “Gonna have to have to… do something about that.”

Steve got a grip on his hair with one and returned the favor with his other hand, getting it around back and inside Bucky’s own jeans. “Yeah you should definitely punish me jerk.”

While they could go full on the bike here they could definitely enjoy themselves a little, he thought.

“Oh I’m already planning to.” Bucky told him, his metal fingers sliding done even more as he positioned himself a little more on Steve’s lap, lips a mere inch apart. “Can’t let you get away with that.” His lips skated over his, eyes reflecting the city lights. “I could’ve crashed the damn bike.”

Steve just smiled, getting his own hand to its destination as he closed the distance. “At least we’d die together then..”

And with a good grip on his hair he crushed their lips together just like that. Tongues battling in their mouths and hands giving each other some mutually needed pleasure and relief right there on the back of the bike. Bucky sat right in his lap, whining softly at Steve’s fingers inside him, and Steve moaning himself at the feel of the metal ones doing the exact same thing to him too.

There was nothing like a hot and heavy make-out session under the bridge to clear your mind and to relieve the tension Steve thought to himself. He just gripped his hair tighter and pulled that kiss even deeper if that was possible, each one of them with a leg down to balance the bike better during this. They’d had a lot of practice at this too.

They were completely oblivious to the cars passing over their heads, just losing themselves in each other for a little while. Trying to shake off the memory of earlier. At least for a little while.

\--

When they were home later that night, after a fabulous little side-track to their favorite make-out spot, Bucky let himself decompress a little first. He also realized the Soldier hadn’t brought his phone with him. It was still on the charger by the bed. And he had some messages. A lot actually considering he’d had switched off since yesterday morning.

But he wasn’t interested in checking them right now. He was more interested in something else.

Sometimes if he concentrated hard enough, he could actually go into his own mind. He’d only done it once or twice on his own. One of those times, he’d recalled, he gave himself a concussion from passing out and hitting his head on the sink. He knew the risk of trying it without help, but he knew he had to try and contact the Soldier, but he had to do it in safer place than the bathroom.

And he couldn’t let Steve knew he was doing it. Because, well, Steve knew it was dangerous. That he could actually give himself a seizure, which he’d also done. But he didn’t feel he had a choice here. He hadn’t heard the Soldier’s voice for the rest of the day and was very worried about him.

He decided to do it in the art room, while Steve dozing, having crashed early. And decided he’d kneel on the couch in there, that way if he did pass out, he’d land on something soft at least. So he checked on Steve, to make sure he was still sleeping and decided to give it a go.

The other reason for the couch being that there was a painting he’d done of the Soldier, his first painting actually, right above it. He thought maybe if he concentrated on that maybe he could do it. Se he climbed that sofa and knelt there, staring at it intently.

He tuned everything out but the nights sounds coming in the window, some ambient noise always helped, and just stared it, almost trance-like, his breathing slow and steady as he did.

_Soldier?_ He asked in his head as he started to drift in the corridor again. _Where are you?_

There wasn’t an answer at first but once he could see where he was, he could see the familiar boot-prints in the dust on the floor. So he followed them into that partially lit corridor again, knowing he was in there somewhere. The rooms here made their familiar eerie noises, but they were no longer menacing anymore, he’d vanquished his fears of them a while ago. But he knew the Soldier was still fighting some of these sometimes. That even though he’d been freed from here, he’d felt the need to retreat back to this dark place.

There was a corner by one of the open doors, and if Bucky squinted, he could see him sitting there. In their mutually shared head, he was wearing the old uniform. And had the old arm. Was sitting with his knees bent and his arms wrapped around him, troubled eyes peering up from above his arms. Eyes that matched Bucky’s to a t.

“Soldier?” He said quietly, his voice as always echoing strangely in the surreal place. “You don’t’ belong here.”

“Yes we do.” The Soldier answered, looking up at him. “We did bad things… hurt Steve..” He looked away, biting his lip the way Bucky himself sometimes. “We deserve to be in the dark.”

Bucky crouched down until he was sitting across from him. “I used to think that too.” He told him, before sliding a little closer so he was almost next to him. “I used to think I didn’t deserve anything good.. when I remembered everything.” He watched his counterpart turn his head to him as he talked. “I thought I was bad and terrible and that I was trash, and sometimes I still do.” He smiled softly at him. “But I’m not and neither are you. We never were.”

“We did bad things.” The Soldier said again, almost adamantly. “We are bad.”

“They made us do those things.” He corrected him, making sure he heard this. “They were bad, not us.”

“How could Steve love us.” The Soldier said in a voice that almost sounded broken. “When we hurt him?”

Bucky reached over and picked up the Soldier’s metal arm, he hadn’t seen this one in so long it caused a few painful memories in of itself. He showed him his hand, which still had the ring on it. “Because he knows we didn’t mean it that’s why.” He told him, looking into his troubled eyes. “He told me to tell you that he won’t forgive us because there’s nothing to forgive..” He entwined their fingers together and held it tight. “He’s never been angry at us, it’s them he hates because they hurt us.”

“We love Steve.” The Soldier said in that same voice, looking at their hands. “We didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“He knows Soldier.” Bucky told him, clasping the hand now as he held it. “And he loves us no matter what we did.” He stood up, taking his hand and pulling him up too. “You don’t belong in the dark. You belong out there with us.”

The Soldier seemed to look at him, biting his lip as if hesitating a little. It was kind of cute he had to admit. He could see why Steve had fallen for this part of him too. There was an innocence here in spite of that violence, and Bucky thought maybe it was why he himself needed him too. Why he couldn’t lose this part of himself again.

He still seemed to hesitate and Bucky tried something else. “You know you didn’t remember all of it.” He told him, still clasping his hand as he stood there. “Do you remember after Steve fell?”

The Soldier looked confused for a moment. “After?”

“We jumped in the water and save him.” Bucky informed him, watching his look change as he said this. “We pulled him out of the water. He’s alive because of us.”

He saw the way the Soldier’s face changed as this part of the memory dropped in too. As Bucky passed it to him to se for himself. It caused him to actually look relieved and almost thankful to Bucky at that moment. For clarifying that at least.

“Come on.” Bucky told him, pulling him gently toward the bright open door. “Let’s go see Steve okay?”

He nodded in response to this, grasping Bucky’s hand and let himself be pulled along as well. Out of the dark. He could still almost feel his hand in his as they passed through again and the scenery changed. They were back in the art room again. And he was seeing nothing but blue cushion because he’d fell on it. Which amused him a little. He was glad Steve wasn’t there to see this.

And he could feel his presence in his head. Still hesitant but there just the same.

He got himself up off the couch with some difficulty, and walked out of the art room, feeling a bit dizzy but otherwise no worse for wear, at least he didn’t notice anything off. He went into the bedroom, where Steve with still sleeping with Arya purring next to him. He just stood there and watched him for a moment. And then mentally grasped the Soldier’s hand again, pulling him forward so he was up front now.

_Go see him. _He told him inside his head. _It’s okay._

The Soldier felt hesitant, thinking about earlier, how he’d ran off and hid. How weak that must’ve seemed to do. He was supposed to be strong, but he got scared. Wondering if Steve would forgive him for that. If he was mad that he’d ruined their day together.

Remembering Bucky’s words. _There’s nothing to forgive.._

He climbed onto the bed, careful not step on the little cat that was sleeping there. He crouched over him and put his hands on his face, trying to push back the image of hurting him that had driven him away in the first place. It was a struggle. And when he saw Steve’s eyes flutter open, he almost retreated again in fear, but held firm because those eyes were so, so beautiful, he couldn’t look away.

They looked like the sky from that nice place today. Under the tree. With the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

_We pulled him out of the water.._ Bucky had said. _He’s alive because of us.._

“What is it?” Steve asked, a little confused from sleep. “Are you alright?”

“We’re sorry.” He pushed out, holding his eyes with his own. “Sorry we went away.”

Steve’s eyes widened at that moment. “Soldier?”

The Soldier smiled at the look in his eyes, and he felt Bucky do it too inside. “Yes.” He answered, even though he didn’t need to. “Are you mad at us?”

“No.” Steve said to him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into his arms. “I’m not mad at you.” He felt his hand stroking his hair and buried his face in his shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong.. Nothing at all.”

Lifting his head with his hands, Steve kissed him, as if to confirm this. He didn’t forgive him because Bucky was right, there was nothing to forgive. He loved him, the Soldier knew that. Even though it still hurt what he done, he knew Steve loved him in spite of it.

“We love Steve.” He whispered against his lips, letting Steve pull him tighter into his arms. “Our Steve.”

Steve just laid there holding him to him, hand stroking his hair sweetly. “I love you too Soldier.”

“We pulled you out of the water.” The Soldier offered, letting that memory come into his head, a hazy one but it was there. “We saved Steve.”

He felt Steve press his lips onto his head then. “Yes you did.” He whispered into his hair. “In all kinds of ways Soldier.”

Bucky could see all his and smiled at it. He was fine to let them have a little time together. He knew his punk loved him, both parts of him. And he was willing to share with the Soldier. They had both earned the right to have this. And Bucky vowed to help the Soldier through this too. To work him through his trauma as well.

The Soldier for his part whispered a _thank you_ in his mind to that as he lay in Steve’s arms, curled up in them. Happy to be out of the dark again. Maybe Bucky was right. He didn’t belong there. He belonged here. With his Steve.

_You’re welcome Soldier.._ Bucky told him. _I‘ll never leave you in the dark ever again.. I promise._

He himself, even though he wasn’t in the front, could still feel the warmth of Steve’s arms and enjoyed the moment along with the Soldier as they lay with Arya and their Steve just like that for a while.

\--

Steve felt much better now. It was amazing how that happened. It was like a relief of sorts. It didn’t matter which one he was holding, it felt like a completion to have them both there now. He just trailed his fingers over that beautiful face, brushing some hair out of it and kissed his head softly again, seeing a smile form on those lips as he did.

“I want you to know it’s okay.” Steve told him, turning slightly to look at him. “You don’t have to apologize anymore.”

He saw the Soldier bite his lip shyly, his metal hand under Steve’s shirt, pushing it up a little and looking at what was revealed. The old scar from where he’d been shot. “We hurt you.” He said quietly. “Right here. Shot you.”

“You didn’t mean to.” Steve told him, his hand still on his face. “You didn’t know any better.”

“He told us we had to.” The Soldier continued. “Just like with all the others. Said it was important.” He trailed his fingers over the scar a little more. “For the world. But he lied just like the other ones.”

Steve knew who he was talking about here. Pierce. “Yes he did.” He confirmed. “He was a bad man.”

“He hit us.” The Soldier said, almost flinching like he was reliving it. “Because we were remembering you and… we asked and he lied again, we knew he was lying too.” He seemed to cuddle into him, still touching that old scar as he did. “We asked again and he… gave us the blue light.”

He wrapped the Soldier up in his arms after hearing that from him. Bucky had told him about this, and he’d actually seen the recreation of the memory on Tony’s tech once. He still felt the same anger all over again. Another bastard who was lucky he was already dead. Just the mental image him striking Bucky/The Soldier was enough to make his fists clench around the back of his shirt.

The Soldier noticed this, looking up at him. “Steve mad?”

“Yes but not at you.” Steve assured him. “At them for hurting you.”

“It didn’t hurt.” The Soldier told him as if placate him a little. “Not when he hit us.”

Bucky had said he’d been a bit a bit numb to that at a certain degree, but that was kind of the point really. That he’d been so used to it that he barely felt it. That was enraging in of itself. “It doesn’t matter if that hurt or not Soldier.” He told him adamantly, holding his face to look at him. “He didn’t have the right to hit you like that.” He looked hard into his eyes to make this clear. “No one did.”

The Soldier nodded, as if taking this in and considering it. It might be a while before he accepted it, he knew but he wanted to plant the seed in him too just like he had in Bucky. To show him he deserved better. That just because they created him and thought they owned him didn’t give him them any right to hurt him like they did. He wanted him to see that he had value.

“Safe with our Steve.” He said softly, nuzzling his face into his neck.

“Yes you are.” Steve whispered into his hair. “You always will be.”

He felt him smile against his neck, his hand still resting under his shirt. “Tired.” He said sleepily, curling against him a little more. “Sleep.”

“You do that then.” Steve said into his hair. “Just don’t go too far away okay?”

“We’ll stay with Steve and Bucky now.” The Solider replied, sounding sleepier by the minute. “We promise.”

Steve wrapped him up a little tighter and nuzzled his face more against his hair. “Good.” He said to him. “I love you.”

“We love our Steve too.” The Soldier said back as he drifted off, curled up in Steve’s arms trustingly.

Steve laid like that for a while, just brushing his hair gently, his other arm around his back and let himself relax for a few minutes before he felt a stir in him. Although he was sure it wasn’t the Soldier this time. Which caused him to smile at that too.

“Feel better punk?”

“I sure do jerk.” He told him, as he saw Bucky life his head to look at him. “Thanks.”

“There’s no need.” Bucky answered, pressing his head against Steve’s. “You should know I’d anything for you, you big dummy.”

Steve simply couldn’t help it and kissed him, pretty solidly too, pulling him closer to him again. The metal hand was still under his shirt but it was Bucky this time, skating those fingers knowingly up his chest, tickling him in a soft and teasing way, which in turn caused Steve to grab his hair again aggressively and just kiss him deeper, causing a moan as a result.

“I heard what you said by the way.” He murmured against Steve’s lips, pushing his shirt up a little more.

“Oh yeah?” Steve answered, pulling his lips away and looking directly in his eyes. “Which part?”

Bucky’s eyes were slightly dark, and not just with desire either. “About that prick Pierce.”

“I’d kill him if I could Buck.” He told him, not bothering to cover this up. “Just like the others.. I wouldn’t hesitate.”

“I know you would.” Bucky replied, wrapping the arm around his waist under the shirt. “And even though that scares me a little punk.. it also makes me feel safe.” His darkened blue eyes looked in his, deeply too to confirm this feeling. “It makes us both feel safe and very… very loved.”

Something in that statement just did something to his insides. He heard himself growl softly and pull Bucky back into his arms and kiss him furiously again. As if wanting to prove it. “No one touches what’s mine like that.” He growled against his lips. “No one.”

“Is that so?” Bucky purred against his lips, metal finger lightly scratching his skin under his shirt. “Cause boo bear likes being yours..”

It wasn’t long before they were yanking each other’s close off to finish what they started on the bike earlier. He rolled onto his back, pulling Bucky on top of him, wanting him that way tonight. Wanted to see those tags bounce against his gorgeous chest as he rode him. Just wanted to appreciate him fully for his beauty, his love and his selflessness.

But before they got started Bucky’s phone pinged and got his attention. “Shit.” Bucky swore as he sat there straddling Steve’s hips. “Forgot it got left here and…” He reached for it.. “I got a fuck ton of messages now.”

“Sweetheart it can fucking wait.” Steve growled, wanting to just get inside him now. He was aching for it, causing him to grip his hips aggressively. “We got … things…” He pushed up against Bucky a little, causing him to groan. “To attend to.”

Bucky leaned over and nipped at his nose a little. “Patience punk.” He purred to him. “It’s been off for two days you know?” He put a finger on Steve’s lip to quiet him. “It could be the doctor with the appointment…” He rubbed his finger playfully on his lips as he reached for the phone again., “It’ll just be a minute and then..” He grinned mischievously. “You can ravage me all you want.”

“Well then hurry the fuck up then.” Steve told him with a gleam in his eyes. “Cause I’m all ready to go..”

Bucky just grinned even more, grinding against him a little. “I know you are.”

Steve watched as he reached over and grabbed the phone, watching those tags moved against his chest. Watching the muscles in his chest and thighs stretch in unison. Groaning at the feel of his body moving over his as re-seated himself on top of him as he checked his phone. He saw him get a strange look on his face as he checked his messages.

“What?” Steve asked, sitting up a little under him. “Who called?”

Bucky just looked over the phone at him, his eyes unreadable. “Sharon.”

That immediately got Steve’s attention right there. Thinking there had to only be one reason she’d call Bucky directly. On Steve’s birthday weekend too. It had to be about the Colonel. And Steve immediately got worried. What he somehow did get out? He felt that fear rise in him as Bucky hit the call button to call her back, still with a neutral expression on his face.

“Yeah hi..” He told her as she picked the phone up on the other end. “My phone was off sorry.” He shirfted slightly on top of Steve, who sat up, completely at attention now. “What going on?”

He watched Buck as he listened to her, trying to read his expression, whether it was fear or something else. He heard him thank he and watched him hang up, placing the phone back on the bed-stand and sitting there for a moment as if processing something.

Putting his hands on his waist he sat all the way up before moving one to his face. “What did she say?” He asked with a dry mouth, almost afraid of the answer. “Tell me.”

Looking hard into Bucky’s eyes, he waited for the answer. Whatever it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the ending guys, before ya'll yell at me I promise I will get the next one up before I leave on my much needed vacation (don't we all need one this year right?) But i'll get to it to it in a minute there's a bit to go over first. 
> 
> First of Bucky finally revealing to us, and then to Steve the result of an earlier doctor's appointment was something I was thinking off for a while. Some of you asked if the Soldier was going to be around and have expressed a lot of affection for him (which I have myself, get into that in a minute) and here's your answer. It's been mentioned in this fic and the earlier one about the effects the serum may have had on Bucky's brain, considering he was in good health when it was given to him. Along with the super-strength and healing abilities it fundamentally changed the chemistry of his brain. Which will be gotten into a little more. But it basically created another consciousness in his mind. I thought, seeing as how this story takes place in a universe with superheros and all, this would be an interesting development, but I wanted to sound plausible too so there you go. 
> 
> How Bucky feels about this (because we know how Steve does don't we? hehe) is sort of interesting because it relates to his changing attitude toward the Soldier in general, from jealousy and hostility to caring and protectiveness. His acceptance of him, which mirrors his acceptance of his mental illness, and how he's learning to live with it, and that he can live a normal life as a result, when some would probably want to lock him up. Bucky is special as we know and it's showing in this chapter very clearly to me. Especially in his selflessness as well, his willingness to essentially share with what amounts to another person, even if it's part of him, because he knows Steve loves him, and he's okay with it. 
> 
> The Soldier, I love writing him, because he's such an interesting contradiction between the violence we know he's done and capable of, and a sweet naivete as well about normal life. I also liken him to him to a child soldier type, who was raised in violence and didn't know any better. Spent his whole life being essentially used until he was brought into this unique family unit. So it's fun to have him do and learn 'normal' things and navigate him through it. And another note, his pattern of speech is, in my mind, due to his essentially being 'raised' speaking Russian and learning English phrases so that's why he talks the way he does. 
> 
> His flashback was interesting because A) I love revisiting canon scenes and adding thoughts and nuances to them that relate to the story and B) because it showcases the Soldier's growing emotions and his new understanding of them. Remembering that he hurt Steve,that he was sent to kill him is somewhat devastating to him because of how attached he's become to Steve over the course of these fics. Bucky explains why he didn't seem to remember until now, I think in a way that makes some sense. But you could understand why this would affect the Soldier so damn much to remember it like this. And the fact that Bucky the only one that can bring him back is of course obvious because he's the only one who can. And it once again showcases Bucky innate selflessness and his care-taking nature that we all love too. 
> 
> Now the ending, haha, once again, sorry not sorry but that's where it ended for me in the chapter. It will be resolved in the next one. What do you think Sharon told Bucky and is it good or bad. I unfortunately can't reveal that until the next chapter but it will be interesting and certainly will change some things. That's all I say about the next chapter, other than the possibility that we will see more sensor studies of Bucky's head as well. And I do promise i will not make you guys wait til I get back from vacation, I'm not that mean lol so it should be up around the middle of next week and then i'm out for a few. Much needed trust me :) 
> 
> Once again thank you all for the lovely comments you have no idea how much they inspire <3<3<3 and *hugs*


	31. Delicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author'sNote: There will not be an update next week because I am on vacation so I got this one as quick as I could partly because of the ending of the last one, didn't want you guys waiting almost 3 weeks for the resolution lol i'm not that mean ;) 
> 
> Also there may a few small, disturbing details in this chapter and possibly the next one regarding abuse. It may not seem like much but I wanted to put a little warning about it just to be safe. 
> 
> artwork on my Tumblr per usual :)

Bucky hesitated for a moment before answering, even though Steve looked worried. And not because he was fearful of telling him. It was the fact he himself felt nothing at this news. Nothing at all. And that was perplexing and a little frightening. He’d rather feel something than nothing. Even about what might be considered good news.

Remembering that emptiness he’d felt inside back then. It was worse than pain or hate.

But he finally just spoke, putting it out for Steve’s sake and not his own. “He’s dead Steve.” He answered, watching Steve as he told him. “Someone got him finally.”

Steve looked first shocked and then Bucky saw, relieved. Very relieved. Bucky knew he’d been worrying about it for a while. The possibility of the Colonel getting out and coming after them again. It was fueling his PTSD nightmares lately and making him a bit paranoid. But that wasn’t going to happen and maybe, just maybe, Steve could get this and him out of his head and move on too.

“How?” Steve asked, leaning forward to put his hands on Bucky’s waist, as if just needing to touch him. And that was welcome to the recipient. “Did she say?”

She had actually told him that. He’d been moved from one place to another and they’d gotten him in the transport vehicle. Cut his throat from what she’d told him, in typical Bratva style. He hoped it hurt to be honest, hoped that like he’d told the bastard the last time he saw him, that his last thought of was him like this with Steve as he was bleeding out.

It was a vicious, almost vindictive thought, but it was better than feeling nothing.

He didn’t feel like going into the manner of death with Steve right now. Not in the position he was currently in. And especially with this strange lack of feeling. He should’ve just been relieved or whatever, but there was nothing at all. Just indifference. Or maybe he was just numb, he wasn’t sure. And he still didn’t know that bothered him so much. So he just turned his attention to the one thing he was sure of. That Steve had feelings and reactions and he wanted to be here for it.

“Doss it really matter?” He answered almost dismissively. “All that matters is that he’s gone Steve.” He put his own hands on Steve’s face, letting his eyes soften. “He’s never coming for me again.”

He was relieved that Steve didn’t seem to push that matter further and just embraced him at that moment in pure relief. Still sitting on his lap, Bucky was easily able to wrap his arms around his head and hold him like that, feeling the relief go through Steve’s body at the realization that they were now, in fact, safe. Bucky nuzzled his face into Steve’s hair and willed himself to feel the same but he just, couldn’t find anything in him at that moment except the urge to look after Steve.

“I was just… so scared Buck.” Steve said against his shoulder, his face buried in Bucky’s shoulder. “I was scared he was gonna get you again if I didn’t stop him. That he would hurt you or..”

“He can’t now Steve.” He whispered into his hair. “It’s over.. you can relax now.”

Steve just nodded into his shoulder and stayed there for a bit longer with his arms wrapped tight around Bucky’s back. He then lifted his head and reached up to brush some hair back from Bucky’s forehead, a soft touch as he looked in his eyes, as if searching for something. The look and the touch almost undid him right there.

“Are you okay?” He asked with same concern, letting that hand rest on his face.

“I’m fine.” Bucky told him, which wasn’t exactly a lie, but not exactly the truth either. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Steve sat back just a little and lifted his other hand as well, holding Bucky’s face in both. “Because you gotta feel something Buck.” He said softly, the thumbs moving gently on his face. “Now that it’s over.”

“What am I supposed to feel?” Bucky asked, a little sharper than he wanted to. “Remorse? Anger? What?” He sat back just a little but didn’t break eye contact. “Cause that would imply that I actually cared about that piece of shit.”

“I didn’t say you did.” Steve reminded him, in a gentle. “It’s just after everything he did to you, you’re bound to feel something about it that’s all.”

He might’ve been right about that, but Bucky was going to be damned if he acknowledged it. Memories of being beaten and tortured on his orders. Of being chained to that bed and being viciously raped while recovering from that hideous torture. Of horrific pain that he could feel the ghost of in his body, it all flew through his head, and he felt that hate in him again. There was a feeling. But he couldn’t acknowledge that yet either. Because it meant he actually did feel some kind of emotion related to it.

“Well I don’t.” Bucky answered, not wanting to discuss it anymore right now. “The only thing I feel right now is you.” He got back in the position he was in prior to the interruption. “Under me and that’s all I wanna feel..”

He could see Steve knew he wasn’t going to talk about this right now. One thing he didn’t do was push too hard too soon on anything. He just looked in his eyes, still holding his face. “Okay.” He told him, leaning his head against his. “But if you wanna talk about it..”

“I don’t.” Bucky replied, looking down at him now. “I’m done talking punk.”

Then he just leaned in kissed him, hard enough to cut off any words for now. All he wanted to do continue what they started earlier. To fuck until he couldn’t think anymore. In fact, he felt more of an urge for that now, as if deep down he wanted to dance on that asshole’s grave. The idea gave him such satisfaction and there was another feeling coming in.

He felt Steve’s hand grip his hair again and pull him more onto his lap. Cold feel him under him, ready to go again and responded by grinding into him a little. A silent indication to take him right there, and Steve’s growl in response was indication that he’d gotten it loud and clear. And with a slight bit of maneuvering on both their parts and he was inside, and Bucky felt a lot more then.

He felt alive and that was something too wasn’t it?

He wasted little time getting adjust and just braced his hands on Steve’s shoulders and began pounding his body down on him just like that. Feeling the hands that were previously on his face down on his hips as he was met with Steve’s upward thrusts as well. Their lips finally separated and his head flung back,, loud moans and crise erupting from deep in his throat. And he didn’t hold back the volume in the slightest, he wanted everyone to hear him.

Especially that bastard down in hell. The thought of that gave him tremendous satisfaction.

“Harder… punk..” He moaned, slamming himself against him. “Make… me… scream…”

Steve growled even louder at that request and pushed up harder into him. Sitting up he pushed him back onto his back onto the bed. Reversing the position in every possible way. His feet were by the pillow and his head nearly hanging off the bed and it was just damn perfect as Steve grabbed his hips and just pounded him harder. He could hear the frame shake in his delirious state and just grabbed on Steve’s back and neck with his hands, the metal one digging into his neck as he did.

He could see that possessiveness in Steve’s eyes, along with the relief of knowing he was now safe. See him let go of it all and just give him everything. He could feel his hair swinging off the edge of the bed but knew Steve would hold him onto it even as he was fucking the absolute shit out of him. He’d never let any harm come to him.

“Mine..” He heard Steve growl as he went harder. “All… mine..”

Bucky eyes literally rolled into the back of his head at the sound of that statement, incoherent cries flying out that he didn’t hold back in the slightest. Even when he came the first time, his legs tightening around Steve’s thighs. And that was only the first one. He knew there’d be another. Steve never disappointed in that way. Or any way really if he was being honest.

The second time his head was hanging off the bed and he was dizzy as the blood rushed to his head, and literally clutched him now, scratching like hell as Steve continued to plow him toward it again until his whole body just quaked and spasmed around him. Feeling himself grey out a bit as he felt Steve still inside him and finally cum himself, claiming what was his with howl of his own.

It felt like a victory and he supposed it was.

Bucky felt barely conscious when he kissed sweetly, his head finally pulled up from the edge of the bed as he was. Felt his legs limply slid off of Steve’s thighs, as well as his arms his arms off his back. He felt weightless, boneless. Raw and vulnerable. But completely safe as well as he was collected into Steve’s arms, pulling his lips away and burying his face in his strong shoulder, shaking like a leaf as he came down from that dizzying high he’d just hit.

“You okay?” He heard Steve whisper into his hair as he held him close.

He wasn’t. It always happened like that. It seemed like he needed to good fuck sometimes to blow out his inner feelings. And Steve knew it too. That’s why he was holding him like he was now. Even after such a hard fuck, he was just, gentle as hell and that’s always what undid Bucky in the end.

“No.” He answered, clutching his shoulders tightly no that he had the strength again. “I guess I’m not.”

“Tell me what you’re feeling.” Steve said in a soft voice. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t wanna feel anything dammit.” Bucky protested, even though it was fruitless to deny it now. “Not for him.” He clenched his jaw tight, still trying to hold back a little. “Not even hate… he doesn’t even deserve that.”

He didn’t even want to acknowledge his own hate anymore. Even though he knew letting it go would allow it to actually die along with one who brought it. Because it was a feeling and he still didn’t want give him any at all. But Steve knew this too and wasn’t going to let him hold it in.

He just sat back and put his other hand on his face again. “But you’re not feeling it for him Buck.” He told him, looking in his eyes. “It’s for you.. you gotta let that go.”

In the end it was always that understanding and caring that always allowed him to show that pain and vulnerability. To hopefully let it die like he’d told that asshole it would.

“I’m fucking glad he’d dead Is that what you want to hear?.” He admitted, the feelings finally coming out of him. “And I hope he fucking suffered every second of it too.” He buried his face again in Steve’s shoulder, clutching him as he talked. “After what he did to me… to the Soldier.. after he made us bleed and suffer… after he… had us tortured us in that damn room.. and what he did in that.. bed..… I hope he felt every fucking bit of it.” He let his eyes get dark with his anger. “I hope he choked on his own blood.”

It felt so dark, just how much he’d hoped the man suffered. But his memories were never far away, and they were filled with pain too. As good as he’d felt lately, they were still there. Brought bare by testimony and confession. And he knew he had to let it bleed out of him again.

He remembered how it much had hurt that first time, how he’d bled and couldn’t move. And how after he’d just been left like that, with pain radiating through his body every time he moved. He’d been brutal. Bucky hadn’t come close to the details of it all, even in court. Only in therapy could he still even get close to some of it. Some things you just couldn’t tell anyone. They were yours and yours alone. The fact that he could still feel angry even now was something Amelia had told him was very healthy. It was better than not feeling at all. And after the trial he vowed he’d let himself feel t.

Sometimes he just needed a push that’s all. A blow out of sorts.

“Do you know what it’s like to hate that much?” Bucky asked Steve, feeling exhausted as he leaned his head against him. “It’s an ugly feeling.. and he gave that to me by… hurting me like that..”

“I do know because I hated him too.” Steve told him, continuing to stroke him softly. “And I would’ve made sure he suffered Buck.” His other hand brushed his hair soothingly. “He would’ve felt everything and more I assure you.”

Bucky gave him a regretful smile. “That’s why I didn’t want you near him.” He explained, putting his own hands on Steve’s beautiful face. “I didn’t want him to make you feel as ugly I did for so long..“ He shook his head against Steve’s. “I would not give him your light too punk… I feel too dark without it.”

It did feel like a selfish thing to say but he did. Even in his recovery he felt darker than Steve. The moon to his sun. Only reflecting what light was sent his way. He thought maybe he’d always feel that way to be honest and it was why letting this hate out of his system hurt so damn much. That he was so capable of feeling it. Scared of the violence that still existed in his heart even now. That he’d been damaged so badly that he was incapable of generating his own light anymore. Even though part of him knew it wasn’t true, it was a hard thought to escape especially in low moments like these.

“I get that Buck, but I still would’ve done it for you.” Steve answered as he massaged him. “I’d do anything for you.”

Bucky bit his lip, feeling like he was going to cry over the simplicity of that statement. He knew what Steve would do for him. And still felt undeserving of it sometimes. So he buried his face in Steve’s neck instead, nuzzling his neck, breathing him in to calm himself again.

“I love you punk.” He whispered against his neck, leaning into him as he felt one of his hands slide down his back to take care of him. “I love you so fucking much.”

“I know you do jerk.” Steve replied to him, lifting his chin with his other hand to kiss him. “I love you too.”

The kiss that followed was so sweet and soft, causing Bucky to sigh into it. Shifting slightly as Steve continued to soothe his sore areas, fingers tracing his rim, causing that lovely sensation near that scar tissue. That old leftover wound touched now by kinder hands. Bucky just wrapped his arms around neck sighed more against his lips. Steve always took good care of him like this.

Something came to him then, a realization that hurt a little too. There was another part of him that might not be as prepared for these feelings when they surfaced as he was.

“Steve?” He asked, pulling his lips away. “You’re gonna have to take care of him too.” He saw a little bit of confusion for a moment and explained. “The Soldier… he’s starting to feel things and… this might hurt him too when he… starts to understand it..” He looked in his eyes as he leaned his head against him again. “Please Steve.. when he’s out just...watch him okay?”

The Soldier hadn’t come to the realization of all the things that had happened to him Bucky knew, he could feel that. Especially with his outburst earlier today. He still thought in many ways like a child and Bucky knew once the true understanding set in, it would be trouble for them both. He needed both parts of him to heal from this, and he feared the Soldier was only just beginning to. That he might retreat if it got too hard for him too.

“I’ll take care of him too Buck I promise.” Steve told him as he continued to soothe him down below. “I’ll take care of both of you.. I always will.”

With that promise given, Bucky just crawled back into Steve’s arms and let him finish his caretaking, his eyes fluttering shut on his shoulder. He was exhausted, feeling the urge to just go to sleep just like that, with his head on Steve’s shoulder. And perhaps sleep for quite a while too.

And probably for the first time in months they both felt truly safe enough to do it.

The Colonel was dead, and he was here with Steve. And the latter mattered much more to him realized as he started to doze off his punk’s strong arms. Far more important.

\--

The Soldier woke up in Steve’s arms in the middle of the night and had sensed a few things at once.

The first being that Bucky and Steve had some fun while he was gone. He could feel the results of that. A soreness that was pleasant to him now. Especially with Steve’s hand resting on his bottom when he woke up, which always caused the Soldier to smile, because that always felt nice. His hands were warm and soft on his skin causing him to wiggle against it a little more. He liked his hand there. Liked it a lot.

The second thing was that there had been so distress in Bucky, in both of them, but mostly in Bucky and that he was very, very tired as a result of it. Sleeping way down in his head. In his safe places like he did in those times when something upset him. And they were nice places too. Usually with Steve. The Soldier had been allowed to see some of these and he liked them a lot. Because well, anything with Steve was good.

The other thing was he himself had had a bad dream thing, mostly involving the other people. Of when he did the bad things for them. And of when they’d had him do ‘sex things’ with them. Which made him feel bad all over himself now when he thought about it. A dirty feeling that he never had with Steve. He’d never felt bad about the sex things before, just weird, thinking it was just part of his training. It didn’t hurt as much as the blue light, at least not at first that was. But now that he was doing those things with Steve, he starting to feel different about it.

He was only starting to really understand these things and was starting to feel a different emotion, like the one he’d felt earlier when he’d realized he’d hurt Steve. This one was a bad, sticky feeling that when he searched Bucky’s mind, found a name for. Shame.

He wished it was raining so he could stand under it and make that feeling go away, He didn’t like it.

But then he remembered he didn’t need rain for that. There was that shower thing too. You could make your own rain with that he remembered. And decided he wanted to do it.

He wanted to be clean for Steve, because that dream made him feel bad all over his skin.

So he got up, very carefully getting out of Steve’s arms, as to not wake him yet. Even smiling a little at Arya, who’d crawled into the bed with them earlier, and petting her like he remembered, before finding the bathroom where the shower was. Where he could make his own rain. Where he could make that ugly, sticky feeling go away.

They didn’t have showers like this in the other place. At least not like this.

He remembered how to turn it on, and to turn the knob to the H, which was for hot he remembered. That seemed right. There was hot water and steam when he was in there with Steve he remembered fondly. Remembering the steam and the fun things he did in there with him.

When it was on, he got in, getting under the water, liking the hot water very much. He liked warm water better than cold. Even the rain had been warmer than the water they’d always used on him in that place. The hot water was making that yucky, sticky, bad feeling leave his skin now, turning it a little pink as it did.

He let the hot water burn away the bad feeling so he could be clean for his Steve again.

Finding the soap that Steve had used he began cleaning himself everywhere. Including that part of him that always got excited for Steve when he started touching him. Even though he was still scared to let Steve touch him there. Because the other one had hurt him there too. He never let anyone touch him there after that, growling at them if they tried. As a warning. And they only got one.

He didn’t growl at Steve anymore though. He wanted him to touch him there. He was still scared that was all and Steve seemed to know that. He never made him do anything he didn’t want to. He was good like that.

Thinking about Steve now, as he was cleaning himself, made that part of him ache again in a way that was good and he let himself enjoy that feeling as he stood under the water, letting his metal hand linger there. Wishing for his hands on him, wanting his touch. Wanting him inside him. But imagining it was almost as good he found. Almost.

The Soldier moaned softly, closing his eyes under the water spray, that dirty feeling leaving his skin finally. He wasn’t sure if was the hot water, or thinking of Steve that did it, or a combination of both. Whatever it was it worked, and he was so grateful for it.

\--

Steve woke up to hearing the sound of the shower running, and realized Bucky was not next to him. Considering earlier it wasn’t surprising he might want to wash off a bit. It was just unusual for the middle of the night is all.

So he got up to just investigate it, to make sure he was okay.

Coming inside the bathroom he could see his beautiful form even through the steam and fogged glass. Could see his legs and muscled thighs. Could see the muscles on his back, which was facing him, flexing as he moved. That gorgeous ass he could never get enough of touching. Saw his flesh hand bracing the wall and realized what he was doing with the metal one. It was actually quite the turn on to see this, making him want to join him, but something inside told him to wait a little longer.

When he was sure it was okay, Steve opened the door and stepped in behind him without him noticing until he put his hands around his waist. “Cleaning up I see.” He whispered in his ear. “Why wasn’t I invited?”

His body started just a little and then relaxed. “We felt sticky.” The voice of the Soldier spoke, surprising him a little. And sounding slightly out of breath too he noticed. “We wanted to clean up for our Steve.”

For some reason that made what he’d just witnessed was that much more hot, and strangely sweet, now that he knew was the Soldier. Realizing why he hadn’t interrupted him now. Maybe on some level he’d known it too. And then he registered what he’d said just then.

“Sticky?” He asked curiously in his ear, letting his hands slide up and down his body, but as always, keeping his hands away from certain places. “How did you get sticky?”

“We had a bad dream.” The Soldier explained as he leaned into Steve’s hands a little. “About them.. they made us feel bad and sticky when they touched us.” His hands seemed to find Steve’s even though he could tell his eyes were closed. “When we… had to do the… sex thing with them..”

He remembered what Bucky had said earlier about the Soldier’s growing understanding of what had happened to him and felt pained by it. Bucky still had some difficulty with his rape and abuse, and he understood it, but the Soldier in some ways had the mind of child in that way. Yes he could be violent and had learned how to kill for them, but in certain ways he was emotionally immature. Bucky had known this and been worried about it, for the Soldier and for himself as well. Their recoveries were mutual after all. Inexorably entwined. One could only truly get better when the other did.

“It’s because you didn’t want to do that with them that’s why.” He told him, still speaking in his ear as took some soap and helped him wash off a little more. “It wasn’t a sex thing.. they were hurting you..” He tried to find a way to make him understand this in his own mind. “It’s like with the blue light, it was just hurting you in a different way.”

The Soldier turned his head slightly to look at Steve as to consider this. “Like when Bucky feels bad but.. not hurt?”

“Yeah like that.” Steve confirmed. “There are all kinds of ways to be hurt.”

As he was helping him wash his hand got a little close to that forbidden area and he felt the Soldier tensed upe. He still did not like to be touched there, like Bucky when he’d first come home. And was sure there was a reason why, but asking the question was complicated. With both of them. Bucky had told him something at the lake about it, but he was sure there was more to it, but he didn’t like asking because he didn’t want to remind of those things unless he brought it up himself. And the Soldier, while he knew he’d tell the truth, he felt iffy about asking too. So he let it be for now.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered to him. “I know you don’t like that.” ”

Steve felt him turn around in his arms and look slightly up at him. The eyes were so Bucky’s but just so much more innocent and curious. The splintered part of his mind that had formed its own person was struggling to understand his emotions too. And Steve did want to help him with that. Just like with Bucky.

“We did everything they wanted.” The Soldier said in that confused way of his. “Why did they keep hurting us?” He bit his lip, just like Bucky. “Were we bad?”

Steve shook his head and stroked his hair and back gently. “No you weren’t.” He told him adamantly. “They were the ones who were bad.”

The Soldier, still biting his lip, stepped forward and pressed his face into Steve’s shoulder, his arms folded between their bodies, palms out against Steve’s chest. An indication that he just wanted to be held and Steve did just that, wrapping a hand around the back of his head, using the other to rub his back comfortingly.

“Why do we feel bad?” He heard him aske against his shoulder, nuzzling it with his face. “If we are not?”

It was a complicated question with a complicated answer he knew. Steve understood why, having dealt with Bucky for as long he had, but wasn’t versed in enough in psychology to able to answer it properly. Thinking maybe if Bucky brought him out in therapy it could be explained better. At least in a way the Soldier would understand. Amelia was one of the few other people who’d talked one on one with him other than Steve.

“I can assure you you’re not.” He just told him for now. “And that I love you very much.”

“We love Steve too.” The Soldier responded, burying his face more into Steve’s shoulder. “Steve makes us feel good.”

He held him tighter under the water, surrounded by steam, continually rubbing his back as he kissed his head and rested his chin on it. “You deserve to feel good Soldier.” He told him, “So I’m glad.”

He knew he meant more than just in a physical way too. That he felt like a better person too. Even if the Soldier himself didn’t understand the feeling in a conventional way, he still felt it.

“Does Steve want the sex thing?” The Soldier asked as he nuzzled his neck. “Now that we are clean?”

Steve put his hand on his chin and lifted it to look at him. “You don’t have to be ‘clean’ for that Soldier.” He told him, rubbing their noses together. “I’ll always want to be with you no matter what.. but you don’t have to do it all the time okay?” He kept his other arm tight around him just holding him close. “Sometimes we can just do this instead.”

There were times when the closeness and the wet nakedness might’ve let do something else, and he had to fight his urge to let it. Because right now he didn’t want it to. He wanted to show him it didn’t always have to. To show him different kinds of intimacy and expression of love. So he understood he wasn’t obligated to anything. Because Steve wasn’t sure he didn’t think he was ‘supposed’ to do things like that still. So all the touching he was doing now was meant for comfort and reassurance.

“He wanted it all the time.” The Soldier told him, lowering his eyes shamefully. “He tied our hands and hurt us. And we didn’t like it.”

“I know he did.” Steve told him, closing his eyes and leaning his face against his. “I’m not him.” He brushed his wet hair with his hand. “I’ll never be like that I promise.”

The soft smile that the Soldier gave him then made his heart just melt, it was the same smile Bucky had as a kid and still used sometimes. A shy one that only Steve ever got to see. “We know..” He said, flattening his hands on Steve’s shoulders now as he looked up. “He was bad.. Steve is good.”

His hands then moved up to Steve’s face and he kissed him softly, causing Steve to wrap his arm around him a little tighter. Not in an aggressive way, but in a protective one. Because these kinds of kisses always reminded him of the first one he had with Bucky so long ago. The sweet, hesitant kind without and kind of expectation at all.

Eventually he turned the water off and pulled him out, to dry him off. As he was doing so, the Soldier looked at him with a bit of a troubled look in his eyes. “What is it?” He asked him, wrapping a towel around his damp body.

“What if he come back for us?” The Soldier asked, and Steve saw real fear in his eyes. “We don’t want to go back.”

Steve put his hands on his face and smiled at him. “He won’t.” He assured him, looking into his troubled eyes. “He’s dead Soldier, he’ll never come for you again.”

He saw a wide-eyed look in those teal blue eyes, once of realization. And then the Soldier just threw himself into his arms to the point where Steve was almost knocked off his feet by the force of it. But he held him up just the same with one arm, cradling his head with the other.

“Stay with Steve..” He said into Steve’s shoulder as he hugged him tight, his feet dangling a mere inch off the floor. “Forever.”

“Yes Soldier.” Steve confirmed, lifting him more into his arms to carry him now. “You and Bucky are staying with me forever.”

The Soldier just nuzzled his face into Steve’s shoulder and allowed himself to be carried back to the bed where he curled up in Steve’s arms. He just continued brushing his still damp hair as he laid there with him under the blankets to finally settle in for the night. It was very late after all.

Remembering his own relief when Bucky had told him that the Colonel was finally and truly gone from their lives. The way Bucky had embraced him then, comforting him in spite of his own feelings, or lack thereof. The almost celebratory way they’d made love after. It had felt like a victory of sorts. And maybe it was. That they were both still here, and together.

Even Bucky’s painful admission of satisfaction and hate felt victorious. Like they could really start to move on now in all kinds of ways.

“What if we have bad dream again?” He heard the Soldier ask sleepily, as he tucked his face under Steve’s chin.

“I’ll be here.” Steve reassured him. “And I always will be I promise.”

He then felt that metal arm wrap around him a little more as the body it was attached to fell asleep in his arms. Whichever one it was he loved them so much. Realizing he could do just that. That his heart had more than enough room to two versions of Bucky.

He pulled him as close as possible and rested his chin on his head. Wanting him to feel his arms around him even in his sleep. To feel safe and warm. To feel loved. And it wasn’t long until he was asleep too, holding him just like that with the cat sleeping at their feet like she always did when Bucky’s arm was not available.

And there were no more interruptions for either of them that night. It was sound sleep for them both.

\--

Bucky was fidgeting just a little at the doctor’s office today. He had to get the sensors put on and for some reason he was a bit nervous about this. Which was strange because it wasn’t like this was the first time. Or even the second.

But it was the first time it was being done with the intent of studying his other personality. That was new. And he wasn’t sure how that part of him would react to being studied.

“I should get you one of those fidget spinners or something.” Steve teased, putting his hand in his.

Bucky just gave him an annoyed look. “Shut up punk.” He said, not unkindly. “I just hate hospitals that’s all.”

It wasn’t a lie really, he did. Was still working on that particular phobia and his general mistrust of most medical personal. Except his own doctors of course. But this place wasn’t as bad as regular hospitals. Like the one he had to stay in while on the ventilator. In an ICU. It had been nightmare that still gave him some once and a while. Where he’d wake up unable to breath and the sound of beeping in his ears.

“I know but this isn’t that.” Steve observed. “My boo bear is just nervous is all.”

Bucky gave him an elbow in his ribs. “What did I tell you about calling me that in public punk?”

“And grumpy too.” Steve teased, not put out by the elbow. “It’s so cute.”

Bucky gave him a severe look right then and there. “Keep it up Rogers.” He told him, giving him a slightly mischievous look. “Or I’ll put you over my knee and show how grumpy I can get.”

“Ooooh.” Steve said, giving him a little nuzzle right then and there. “I like the sound of that Sergeant.”

“I know.” Bucky told him, letting his metal hand wrap teasingly around Steve’s leg. “You always have you degenerate.”

It was amazing how much better he felt today. Like another weight had lifted off him yesterday. The shadow of the Colonel was no longer on either one of them now. That any leftover Hydra was now being rounded up and were not a threat either. Going outside and just being in public in general was so different. Steve wasn’t looking over his shoulder anymore and Bucky himself actually felt even safer than before. It was a different feeling knowing that threat was gone.

They could truly move on now. Could get better. And today was another step in that direction.

After a little bit of teasing and canoodling they were finally called in to get the sensors put on. Seeing Pam for the first time in well over a week was nice too. She and Sam had only taken a week for the initial honeymoon, both their jobs demanding it, but had already stated they take a few other weeks here and there as well. Which was good. Draw out the honeymoon a little more he supposed.

“These are a little different than the other ones.” She told them, allowing Bucky to inspect them before they put them on. “A little smaller, not that other ones were big mind you, but these are even more inconspicuous. Your hair will hide them quite well. In fact, you might forget you’re even wearing them.”

Bucky looked at them, always intrigued by tech. They were tiny, only half the width of his pinkie finger. He knew Tony had a hand in the creation of these. And that some of technology was the same as his BARF one. The name of which always amused Bucky to no end. And t it worked in a similar way too. Not necessarily creating 3D images like they’d seen but allowing the computer to read brain activity with more detail and precision than before and give them a complete 3D look at his brain activity. Quite the technology he had to admit. Even if it meant he was becoming a test subject again, but he knew it was for good cause. Not just to understand his own brain, but to further research that had rendered some innovative treatments for degenerative brain conditions.

He’d always felt if what he went through, and still somewhat went through now, would help others than at least something really good could come out of it all.

“So he’s gonna be wearing these for a whole week this time?” Steve asked, as always wanting to know as much as possible. Especially being Bucky’s advocate and medical proxy and all.

“Yes that’s another difference. A week’s worth of data will give us a good cross-section.” She explained to them as she began putting them on his head. “He can do his normal activities, routines, everything. And if he flips into his other personality, it will give us more information on his brain functions when this happens. The last time we knew it was only happening during seizures but that doesn’t seem to be the case now. He seems to have control over it and we really want to see how that works.”

Bucky hadn’t had a seizure in well over a month, and the one he had then had had been the first in nearly 6 months so while not gone, they were not a cause they all knew. The anomalies in the recent scan had shown something completely different now. And Bucky was just as curious as anyone about this. Because to be honest, he didn’t really know how he was doing it.

“So these things can read my.. umm all my activities?” He asked with all seriousness, just wondering exactly how much info they would get. “Everything? Even… “

She seemed to get the gist of this and gave him a knowing look. “Yes it can.. “ She answered, not seeing or just ignoring the look Steve gave him in response to this very serious question. “But that’s not the activity we’re interested in don’t worry.”

Later in the car, Steve gave him a headshake about this. “I can’t believe you asked he that.”

“What do you mean?” Bucky asked innocently. “It was a perfectly legit scientific question.” He gave him another mischievous look. “I mean we do kinda fuck a lot and it’s gonna show up that’s all..” He leaned over and trailed his hand up and down. “Especially with him in the mix now..” 

He was also fitted once again with a fitness watch to track his body’s reactions when he was in the other mode as well. Something Bucky knew he could have a little fun. Judging by Steve’s reaction to his innuendo laced question.

Steve side-eyed him on that one. “Now you’re the one asking for trouble.”

Bucky leaned over a little more then, feeling very playful now. “Well the thing is punk.” He told him in his most breathy voice. “I like when you.. discipline me.” He lifted his right hand, with the fitness watch on it. “In fact the thought of that is already upping my heart rate and all.

“You gotta stop distracting me while I’m driving jerk.”

“Aww come one Stevie.” Bucky said with mirth, trailing his metal finger over his face and neck. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“You’re talking to the guy that jumped out of a plane without a parachute you know that right?”

“More than one actually let’s record history properly.” Bucky corrected him. “Without a helmet too by the way. And I’m still pissed at you about that but..” He leaned over and nuzzled his shoulder a little. “This is different.”

“And how is it different jerk?”

“Because I’m with you punk that’s why.” Bucky told him, entwining their fingers together. “And I’ll protect that idiot head of yours.”

Steve found a place to pull over and after turning the car off, just grabbed him and kissed him right there, both of them un-seat-belting themselves to do it. Hours of teasing usually resulted in this and Bucky always enjoyed it. Especially after yesterday. He was literally pulled right into Steve’s lap, his leg over his, Steve’s hands in his hair, causing him to smile into it. Completely heedless of where they’d parked. Hell, they could’ve been parked in a church parking lot for all they cared right now.

“You’re such a tease Sergeant.” Steve told him when they finally parted for breathing’s sake.

“And you love it Captain.” Bucky replied, wrapping his leg a little more around Steve’s. “Admit it.”

“You got me there.” Steve said as he gave his neck a little nuzzle. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I could resist my favorite brunette.”

Bucky took that moment to lay his head on Steve’s shoulder and just rest there like that. In the car in some random parking lot. To just relax after his doctor visit. It seemed like no matter how light or trivial they were, he always needed a little something after going to those. He supposed it was just his general dislike of hospitals and the stress that resulted from that. He had a feeling it would never really leave him, and Steve always seemed to understand that his flirty behavior was just a way of coping with it.

“Are you okay?” He was asked, feeling those lips nuzzle his head just below one of those new sensors.

“I don’t’ know.” Bucky answered honestly. “I’m not sure how I feel to be honest.” He sighed heavily and wrapped his flesh hand around Steve’s neck in a looping way. “I’m being studied again.. we are I should say and I’m okay with that but… it’s weird and.. a little scary you know?”

Steve brushed his hair with his hand. “What are you scared of?”

It was hard to explain at first, this weird little apprehension in him now. It wasn’t so much that he felt like a lab rat. Which he had when they’d put him the asylum all those years ago. This was different. A sense of being something strange and unusual. A curiosity. He was already coveted for interviews following the trial, which he kept declining for now, but now doctors wanted to look at him too. And not just his own doctors either he had a feeling.

“I just feel like I’m never gonna just have a normal life you know?” He finally answered, voicing this out in the open for the first time outside of therapy. “Even with all that behind us I still feel a bit like I’m some sort of curiosity or something.” He shifted a little in his lap to get more comfortable. “Like I’m still crowed a bit by all of it.”

“I get it jerk.” Steve said in an understanding voice. “And I’m sure being married to a superhero doesn’t help that feeling.”

Bucky chuckled and nuzzled Steve’s neck a little. “That’s actually the sanest part of my life punk believe it not.” He told him, lifting his head and looking in his eyes. “You’ve always been the one stable thing I can count on.”

Steve fingers brushed his hair a little more and he gave him a kiss on the head. “Well I’m glad to be useful for something.”

“Oh don’t sell yourself short Captain.” Bucky told him, ruffling his hair like he used to do when they were kids. “You’re useful for a lot things trust me.”

Bucky then laid his head on his shoulder again and looked out the window of the truck to see where they were parked. It was a somewhat busy ice cream stand actually. Which kind of gave him an idea for later. He didn’t feel like getting in a line when they had it at home in the freezer. And if it involved the Soldier at all, he didn’t like crowds just yet. So he filed it away for later and turned his mind to something else he had a home too. Another matter that needed dealing with.

Something stuffed in a drawer in his desk that he’d been putting off for a few days.

“I got something I need to show you when we get home.” He told him, looking up without lifting his head. “Something I need your help with.”

“Okay jerk.” Steve answered, putting his hand on his chin to lift it and look at him. “Can I ask what it is or is this another surprise?”

“It’s not really a surprise.” Bucky told him. “It’s just something that’s easier to explain if you see it that’s all.”

Steve finally succeeded in lifting his chin up to look at him. “Whatever you need Buck I’m here alright?”

Once again, just the sincerity in his voice was enough to make him feel a bit emotional, which he covered by simply kissing him in response. Feeling that hand just softly fist his hair as he kept his leg wrapped around Steve’s. Tongues softy rubbing against each other, in no real hurry to stop. They could breathe just fine for the time being.

And fortunately, the truck had tinted windows so no one even noticed them and that was perfect, anonymous. Exactly the way he wanted to be right now.

\--

Bucky brought him to the art room when they got home and took a seat at the desk before opening the drawer. And Steve felt a strange sense of trepidation at what he was going to be shown. He’d been curious but judging by the mood it had put Bucky in he was hovering more towards the former now.

He handed him the package and the letter from Sharon, which he read before looking inside and seeing the contents. He looked back at Bucky with a mixture of worry and pain. The red book with the star on it always had a menacing quality and he knew its effects on Bucky quite well.

“I got it earlier this week.” Bucky told him as Steve turned it over in his hands. “Same day as your present ironically.” He flicked his eyes up at Steve at that point. “I didn’t let him look at it and I’m sure you understand why.”

“Why didn’t you show me sooner?” Steve asked, pulling up a chair in front of him. “If you’ve had it this long I mean?”

Bucky shrugged at that. “I don’t know.” He told him, his eyes still on Steve. “Maybe I just wanted you to enjoy your birthday weekend.”

“Well then I guess the bigger question is why you still have it?” Steve asked, pulling the chair a little closer. “Why you’d keep in here rather than just.. burning it in the fire pit or something?”

“Guess that’s the ten-million-dollar question isn’t it?” Bucky replied, looking at his hands now. “Truth is I don’t know.” His eyes flicked on it for a moment before moving quickly away again. “I mean I don’t even want to touch it too much to be honest but yet.. I still have it don’t I?” He looked back up at him and bit his lip in that nervous way. “Maybe that’s why I need your help.”

Steve looked down at it, thinking he’d never understood until now how an inanimate object could hold such malice until he’d laid eyes on this book. Thinking of all the terrible that were listed inside it. Instructions on how to not only build but train a super soldier. Of all the brutality it contained, hidden in that language Bucky refused to speak anymore. Of how much harm its contents had caused him for decades. It was symbolic of everything really. The people who used it might’ve been dead now, but they were still present with this book.

Hell he had an idea the Colonel had written down some of it, along with his other minions as well.

“I’m not the one who can decide what to do with it Buck.” Steve told him finally, giving him a soft look. “Sharon was right to send it to you, it hurt you the most.” He reached out with his other hand took his flesh one. “You should be the one to decide what to do with it.”

Bucky looked back at him with a pained look. “Then why I can’t I?” He asked with that same tone in his voice. “If I’m so damn strong like everyone always says than why I am hesitating?”

Steve had an idea on that, it was coming to him now that he really thought about it. That maybe there was a part of Bucky, that in spite of everything, was really afraid of letting it all go completely. He’d been living with it so long he was used to it. Steve understood this because of how long he himself had been holding on to his own guilt over it all. That it was scary to let go and to really move on. Because what came next was uncertain. He was afraid, it was just that simple.

He just wasn’t quite ready to face that particular fear yet that was all.

“I think you know why.” He told him, squeezing his hand. “And when you’re ready to do what you need to do I will help you.” He reached over for the packaging and put it back inside, hiding it from view again. “Until then we’ll just keep this locked up in the safe.”

He didn’t think anyone was coming for it, but he meant more from being accidently seen until then. Especially by the Soldier. He agreed with Bucky that he shouldn’t see it. At least not yet. That part of Bucky as till very fragile when it came to these things. He had a safe in his office and would keep it there until Bucky was ready to dispose it of properly.

“Good.” Bucky answered, in a tensely even voice. “I don’t want it tainting this room anymore anyways.”

Taking his hand Steve pulled him out of the chair and they walked to the office where the safe was. In the closet, well hidden. He took the envelope with the book in it and opened it, putting said envelope inside and closing and locking it. Once it was in there the weight seemed leave the air. At least for now.

He turned to Bucky, who was sitting perched on the desk, not watching where it went, or even caring and walked back over to him. His feet, with his bunny slippers on, were hanging over the desk and he was watching him swing them, almost transfixed by them. Stepping between those slipper clad feet he reached out and put his hands on his face to look at him.

“It’s locked up now.” He told him, one of his hands smoothing back that pretty brown hair. “Out of sight out of mind for now okay?”

Bucky nodded, giving him a soft smile. “Thanks punk.”

He then just butted his head against Steve’s chest and held onto his shirt for a moment, taking a shaky breath as he did. And Steve wondered if he’d been suppressing some anxiety over this for a while. Probably and along with the news he’d gotten, was now letting himself feel that a little. So he just stood there, with his hands on his head and stroked his hair until he calmed, feeling those little sensors on his head as he did. Barely noticeable but there.

“You’re welcome jerk.” Steve told him, petting him like that for a little bit. “Let’s just let it go for a little while.”

Bucky nodded against his stomach. “I was kinda thinking of having some ice cream or something.” He then said, looking up at him. “And maybe he could.. you know.. have some too.” He gave Steve another smile, a Soldier type smile. “After supper of course.”

Steve stepped back and looked at him in that moment, thinking that was a great idea actually. He put his hands back on Bucky’s face and leaned down a little to kiss him. “We can definitely do ice cream if that’s what you want.” He told him, stepping a little more between Bucky’s knees as he did. “If you promise to stick around a little yourself and let yourself enjoy it too.”

“I can do that.” Bucky answered, rubbing his nose against Steve’s. “But I’ve had ice cream he hasn’t so.. why not let him enjoy it a little more right?”

He leaned on the desk, bracing his hands on either side of Bucky as he did. “You know I like spending time with you too right?” He said to him, their foreheads leaning together again. “You don’t always have to go away all the time.”

Steve did feel like Bucky was being a little too selfless lately. Giving the Soldier way more time with the Soldier at the expense of himself. He didn’t know why he was doing it so much lately. Probably for rest and healing purposes he supposed but thought it could be more. Whatever it was he wanted Bucky to know he wanted him around too. That he still loved him as well. He was hoping he wasn’t having doubts about that lately.

“You know I’m not really gone Steve.” Bucky told him, letting his hands play on Steve’s waist. “I’m kinda there and.. and I can feel what he feels and it’s like.. I don’t know how to explain it but..” He paused for a moment, biting his lip. “Whenever he does something new it’s like.. I’m experiencing it for the first time all over again and it....” He smiled up at him beautifully. “It feels so.. different you know?”

He got it, sort of. It made sense and made him feel a little bit better to hear that. But he still wanted to reassure him just the same. “I just wanted you know that I don’t love you any less that’s all.” He said to him, pulling him up into his arms. “In case you had any doubts.”

“I don’t punk.” Bucky replied to him, looping his arms around Steve’s neck as he was pulled off the desk. “It’s still the one goddamn thing I’m sure of.”

Steve just smiled at that, more relieved than he thought he’d be over that. He finished lifting Bucky off the chair and let him wrap his legs around him as their lips met for another sweet kiss. And he was strong enough as always to hold him up with one arm, just so he could get his hand in that gorgeous brown hair the way he liked.

“Alright jerk.” He whispered against his lips as he carried him out of the office. “Let’s get some supper.. and then ice cream.”

\--

Bucky sat at the table as they were eating dinner, just watching Steve with what he knew was the sappiest look ever. He just couldn’t help it these days. And was beyond the point of pride when it came to that really. As much as he tried to cool in public about it, Wanda had been right in telling him once that he was just stupid in love with his blond punk and everyone already knew it.

And to be honest he didn’t care if people did. There was nothing wrong with it at all.

“You not hungry?” Steve asked, noticing he’d hadn’t eaten much yet. “Cause the rule is , you don’t get your ice cream unless you eat your supper first.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, thinking that was such a mom thing to say. “Ok ma.” He teased, eating some of his ravioli’s, all the while looking up at him playfully over the fork. “Just remember rules are meant to be broken punk.”

“Just eat your supper jerk.” Steve told him, with a raise of the eyebrow. “And tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.” Bucky paused in eating with an innocent look. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you staring at me for like 10 minutes straight.”

“Oh please.” Bucky threw back at him. “You stare at me all the damn time Rogers.”

“Well that’s cause you’re so damn gorgeous Sergeant.” Steve told him, winking cutely at him. “Can’t keep my eyes off you.”

It always amazed Bucky how he always felt all flushed and warm when Steve said that corny shit. Because he could see it in his eyes that it was true. He’d known when he was younger that he was good-looking and had confidence as a result. Since he’d been back, he’d slowly been working that confidence up over the year again, occasionally flirting with a girl that had a crush on him, all in good fun. But only Steve made him actually feel beautiful in that way now. Just by the way he looked at him sometimes. Hell all the time.

“I could say the same for you, you know?” He said in return to him, deflecting it a little. “But I was actually thinking about how you seemed to like to carry me around a lot.” He chuckled a little. “It’s my arm that’s gone not my legs you know?”

Steve raised an eyebrow at this. “I don’t hear you complaining.”

“I’m not.” Bucky told him as he took another bite of his raviolis. “I do love how big and strong you are now punk… how healthy you are.” He gave him a soft smile at that. “But I am capable of walking down the stairs once and a while.”

“I know you are jerk.” Steve said as he finished his dinner. “But after all the times you carried my ass around, I figured I owe you a few free trips.”

Bucky recalled that he currently weight about twice as much as Steve had then. And Steve had been sick and got tired easily in spite of his ornery nature. He could’ve brought that up, but he didn’t. The sentiment was sweet and so typically Steve he just felt that stupid look on his face again and knew Steve could see it too. But once again didn’t bother to hide it from him.

“You don’t owe me anything Steve.” He simply said, his voice as soft as his look. “I did things like that cause I love you that’s all.”

Steve leaned forward and put his hand on Bucky’s face. “That’s why I do it too Buck.”

He was realizing that, not counting foreplay, a lot of the times Steve did pick him, or the Soldier up was when they weren’t feeling particularly strong. Maybe after a confession or an apparent painful memory. And Bucky understood that it wasn’t different from when he’d carried Steve. It’s what you did for someone you loved when they needed a little help and had learned that sometimes it was okay to need that.

Bucky just shook his head at this strange epiphany and ate the last of his raviolis, desperately trying to become emotional again. “Okay I finished punk can we have our ice cream now?” He asked for the Soldier as well, who was waking up inside his mind now. “I mean you did promise and all.”

“Patience my dears.” Steve replied, putting their plates in the dishwasher. “You will both get your ice cream.”

It was as if he knew how close he was to flipping into the Soldier. He was right there, and Bucky felt like it was a slow, soft transition today. And he couldn’t describe how much he needed this in words. What he’d told Steve earlier and on other occasions about how felt things felt as him, didn’t describe it anywhere near as close as he actually felt when it was happening. It hard to put into words really. It was like learning everything anew, experiencing things he’d done a million times as if for the first time. It felt good, even when it was a painful experience, to relearn himself that way. It was very healing for him on many levels.

“Ice cream?” The Soldier asked through him as he was slowly transitioning. “For us?”

Steve didn’t miss a beat on it, another thing that always amazed Bucky about his punk. How quickly he adapted. “Yes for you too Soldier.”

So Bucky just sort sat back in his own head and enjoyed the experience of this other part of him finding out about all kinds of new things. It made him feel peaceful inside, especially after finally telling Steve about the book and his conflicted feelings over it. After the support he’d gotten, he was willing to relax and take a backseat and just observe this.

The Soldier for his part, was apprehensive and curious at the same time. When Steve handed him the bowl and spoon, the former felt cold in his flesh hand. The cold reminded him of ice and snow. Of the place he used to live before here. But unlike that place, this smelled good. Like that peanut butter stuff and other good smells as well. He put the bowl on the counter and touched it tentatively, as if studying its texture.

“You’re supposed to eat it you know?” Steve told him, smiling at him from across the counter. “With this.” He handed him a spoon, which the Soldier knew how to use but for this. “Do you want some chocolate syrup on it?”

The Soldier was not sure about this, but Bucky spoke up in his head _You do trust m_e he was told. _And ask for some whipped cream too._

“Yes.” He told Steve, holding the bowl out and then added. “And… whip cream?”

“Oh how could I forget that?” Steve told him with a big smile. “That’s the best part.”

Steve proceeded to retrieve both items and put it on the ice cream right in front of the Soldier and he watched it, fascinated by the patterns the bottle made. He’d only ever watched and learned how to put weapons together, and building plans, mission orientated details. The things he was learning now were wholly different and.. they made him happy. And he wanted to learn more.

“Okay now it’s perfect.” Steve told him and handed him his spoon again. “Dig in.”

He did, and it tasted so good. Peanut butter, chocolate, that whip cream stuff and a myriad of other flavors. He hadn’t known before he’d come here that food could taste so good. They’d only fed him basic stuff to maintain his strength and it was just sustenance to him but now, he knew it had flavors and texture and he loved it.

But he ate it a little too fast and it caused his head to hurt, causing him to stop and look at Steve painfully. “It’s okay.” Steve told him, putting his warm hand on his face. “You just ate it too fast and when you do that it gives you a headache.. it’ll pass.”

Steve was right, he usually was, it did go away and quickly too. And he took his time now to avoid that unpleasantness again. Because he really liked ice cream. A lot. Putting the bowl down he demonstrated this by burping, and loudly too, causing him to cover his mouth sheepishly.

“I guess you liked it.” Steve observed as he was finishing his own. “We both knew you would.”

“We did.” The Soldier confirmed, smiling back at him. “Ice cream is good.”

Steve reached his hand out and wiped his face and lip a little. “You got some on you.” He told him. “It’s supposed to go in your mouth you know that right?” He leaned over a little more, putting both his hands on his face. “Gotta get you cleaned up.”

He wiped his face with a napkin at first, getting the ice cream, chocolate and whipped cream that he managed to get on himself. And the Soldier saw some on Steve’s lips too and reached out, wiping them too and then putting those fingers to his own lips, liking the taste of it even more since it was on Steve too.

“I guess we’re both a little messy.” Steve said to him, their faces close now. “I know a way we can get the rest of it.”

The Soldier knew too, because he wanted to lick the rest of it off Steve’s lips and did just that, letting his tongue run over his lips, smiling as he did so. It tasted so good like that, all those flavors on Steve and he knew there might be more inside his mouth too so kissed him deeper then, letting his tongue explore there as well. And he was right, there was more peanut butter, chocolate and marshmallow in there too, causing a sweet little moan to come from his throat as he explored Steve’s mouth more.

Ice cream and Steve were a heady combination for him.

“Do you want some more?” Steve asked as he pulled back just a little, his hand in his hair.

He wasn’t sure if Steve was asking if he wanted more ice cream or more kisses. It didn’t really matter because his answer to both was the same. “Yes.” He purred, nuzzling his nose against Steve’s “We do.”

When Steve brought it back and sat down, the Soldier wasted little time getting his lap and taking the bowl from him as he did. As he was eating it, he could feel Steve’s hands on his legs and smiled, picking up the spoon and giving him some too.

“We share with Steve.” He declared and took a spoonful for himself. “Everything.”

And in between those spoonful’s he’d kiss him, getting addicted to the taste of ice cream in his mouth. Letting his tongue search it every time as he did. Then he’d pull back and smile and give him and himself more. And repeated the process. Feeding Steve was fun.

It was during one these kisses he noticed his feet. Namely that something soft and fuzzy seemed to be on both of them. Pulling away he looked down and saw what looked like a white furry animal with a pink nose and floppy ears on each one. And every time he moved his foot the ears flopped, which for some reason filled him with joy to see.

“They’re bunny slippers.” Steve explained, seeing what he was so fascinated with. “Bucky likes them, says they make him happy.”

The Soldier grinned, allowing Steve to pull one of his legs up so he could see it more. “We like them too.”

Steve looked back up at him and brushed his hair in that soft way. “And so I.” He told him. “They look good on both of you.”

They were so fuzzy and warm, he’d never felt anything like this on his feet before and couldn’t help smiling as the ears flopped on them whenever he moved it. Shoes were practical, and he mostly had worn the same ones but now there were these. And Steve really liked them too.

“We wear them for our Steve then.” He said as he looked back up at him finally. “Make him happy too.”

Steve’s hand ran over his leg and around his back as he pulled him closer. “It does.”

He then kissed him, while the Soldier was still holding the bowl in one hand, letting his metal one loop around Steve’s neck. Still tasting the ice cream on his tongue and diving in for more. He swung his feet under him, the ears flopping he knew, and he smiled into the kiss, really enjoying himself now. Especially when he felt Steve’s hand on his bottom, caressing it gently as he did.

“We like ice cream..” He said again in between kissing him. “And we love our Steve.” He moved on his lap a little more, eager for more. “Want him too.” He put the bowl down and put his hands on his face, kissing him with more urgency. “Please?”

He was feeling those feelings or want he always had when he was this close to him. He’d never been allowed to want things either. A basic feeling he didn’t know he’d been deprived of until now. His hands slid down and gabbed Steve’s shirt eagerly as if to demonstrate this.

“Easy Soldier.” Steve whispered against his lips, his other hand softly in his hair. “We’re gonna try something different okay?”

The Soldier nodded slightly as he kissed him, eager to try anything. And what Steve did next was amazing. Just like everything else. And the Soldier liked it very much too.

\--

Steve let his hand slide inside the band of his sweatpants and began tracing his rim softly with his fingers, causing the Soldier to moan softly against his lips. It was all he could not to turn him around and bend him over the counter, but he wanted to show him some different ways to do certain things. Different kinds of intimacy, and he knew his Soldier was an eager student.

So he pushed his hand in a little more and slid a finger in, and then a second one, and massaged him softly inside. He could hear the soft whine come out of him and just spoke in his ear. “How’s that feel?” He asked. “You like this?”

“Yes..” The Soldier breathed, burying his face in Steve’s shoulder. “Feels.. good.”

“Good.” He told him and lifted the spoon from the bowl on the table. “I think you still got some ice cream left too.”

He saw him lift his head and just stare at him with glazed eyes before putting his mouth over the spoon and sucking the ice off of it as he was pleasured at the same time, his blue eyes looking at Steve over the top of it as he did. It was beautiful and somehow sweet, yet sexy at the same time. And Steve kept feeding him the rest of the ice cream as he worked him with his fingers.

Every so often he’d kiss him too, moving his fingers slowly inside and stroking him in that sweet spot as he did. It was done slowly, drawing out the pleasure for him as he did. Feeling the Soldier push his body back against his hand, eager for more of it.

And more ice cream too. Which Steve kept feeding him from the spoon until it was gone.

He brought him to a sweet climax after using a third finger and felt him spasm against his hand. Putting the spoon done he kissed him one more time, feeling both the metal and flesh arm wrap around his head as he did.

“We love ice cream..” The Soldier whispered against his lips. “And our Steve.”

Keeping his hand right where it was inside his pants Steve just held him to him. “My Soldier.” He told him as their lips parted and their faces pressed together. “I love you too.”

Brushing his hair, he found those sensors again, and wondered if the Soldier even noticed them. He would eventually he supposed and wondered what his reaction would be to them. Would he be curious or scared? It was a toss-up he knew. Considering all the devices and contraptions they used on him he was a bit worried about it.

He decided to broach it with him before he found them by accident. Thought that would be safer. “Soldier?” He asked gently, lifting his head to look in his eyes. “I need to talk to you about something okay?”

The Soldier looked at him curiously, his face still flushed from their lovemaking. “Okay.”

He brushed his hair back and then took his flesh in his to reach up and feel the sensors on his head. “Do you feel these here?” He asked him carefully, watching a few different emotions, including a bit of fear, cross his face. “I want you to know they are not here to hurt you.” He held his face as he looked in his eyes. “There here to help you and Bucky.”

He watched him touch them a little more and look at Steve again. He still looked fearful. “Not here to hurt us?”

“Of course not.” He assured him and brushed his hair gently again. “You trust me right?”

The Soldier seemed to think for just a moment and then gave him a soft smile. “Yes we do.” He answered, pulling his hands down and putting them on Steve’s arms. “Steve won’t hurt us.. not like them.” He smiled brightly then. “Steve gives us ice cream.”

“That’s right.” Steve told him, kissing his nose, causing him to scrunch it up cutely. “Because I love you.”

He watched as the Soldier seemed to touch the sensors again, this time more curiously now And then laid his head on Steve’s shoulder. “We love Steve too.” He said quietly, his feet swinging cutely with the slippers on.

Steve smiled as he rested his chin on the Soldier’s head, putting his hand back down on his bottom and continuing to rub him softly, hearing a little purr come out of him and feeling his neck nuzzled sweetly. Yet another perfect moment.

“Well that was fun.” He heard Bucky say after a while of this, wiggling himself a little against him “Feels like he cot the Rogers special too.”

Steve raised his eyebrows at that. “The Rogers special?”

“Uh huh” Bucky answered, nuzzling his neck. “It’s something you can’t get at an ice cream stand that’s for sure.” He then lifted his head and played with Steve’s hair. “You see I had the idea to get ice cream while were parked but.. I thought this might be more fun for him you know?”

“Well it was a good idea jerk.” Steve told him, rubbing him a little more down below. “He really enjoyed himself.”

“I know I was kiinda there punk.” Bucky answered, nuzzling his face against Steve’s. “How do you think he knew to ask for whipped cream?”

Steve just laughed and wrapped his other arm around Bucky’s waist to hug him. Feeling him chuckling a little too. “I should’ve known because you won’t eat ice cream without it.”

“Well an ice cream sundae without chocolate syrup and whipped cream is just Un-American.” Bucky replied, biting his lip in that adorably sexy way of his. “You’d think Captain America would’ve remembered that tsk tsk.”

“Good thing you’re around then.” He told him, petting that hand wander around a little under his shorts still. “Might’ve ruined the experience otherwise.”

“I’m always around punk.” Bucky said softly as he leaned his forehead against Steve. “I never go too too far away.” He brushed more of Steve’s hair with his metal fingers. “Not anymore.”

Steve wrapped his arm around a little tighter, pulling him closer against and just sat like that with him. Letting those words sink into his mind. No one was going to take him away again, not even his own mind. What a relief that was.

\--

That night Bucky had the first nightmare he could actually remember, in almost a month. And while he knew it was inevitable, he’d never be free of them he knew, it was still upsetting. And still made him feel sick when he woke up, shaking in Steve’s arms, biting back a scream as he did.

He could feel his hands, those awful hands, on parts of his body that he’d set aside exclusively for Steve. Feeling them crawling all over him as he was restrained to the bed. As he was inside and hurting him.

_Scream for me…_ that voice said in his head, as he squeezed him down there. _Or I’ll make it worse Soldat.._

He’d had no idea how worse it could get but he wouldn’t even then, give him that satisfaction of doing and the pain was… horrifying.. and he could still feel it now. It made him sick and he knew he had to get to the bathroom and just get it out now. To expel this once and for all.

So he pulled himself out of Steve’s arms and sprinted to the bathroom without even hearing him call out to him. Just made it to the toilet and threw up his stomach contents in a couple of bursts until he was just dry heaving. HIs head felt hot, his hair hanging in his face, just smelling his own vomit, which did not help put the memory away at all. Because he’d that then too.

He hated this shit. Had not missed it at all.

As he leaned there, still feeling a couple of lurches in his stomach, he felt a cool hand on the back of his neck, and another one rubbing his back. It brought him back into the present again and was able to stop the shaking in his body finally, calming it to a light tremble.

“You alright?”

Bucky actually chuckled, reaching up and flushing the toilet, just to get that damn smell out of his nose “Obviously not.”

“That hasn’t happened in a while.” Steve observed as Bucky slumped back against the wall. “Nightmare?”

He nodded, not even bothering to argue about it at this point. “Yeah.” He admitted, as Steve handed him a towel. “Can’t say I missed doing this.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Steve asked him, hunkering down and sitting across from him. “You don’t have to but.. “

He knew It was probably a good idea that he did, while it was fresh in him mind. Amelia had told it was good to exorcise these things, to just get them out no matter how painful they were. It took things out of the dark that way and exposed them to the light, and then maybe you could let them go.

“You know there are things I didn’t say on the stand right?” He started, pulling his knees up and resting his metal arm one. “Details I just kinda kept to myself.”

“I know Buck.” Steve told him, looking at him with soft eyes. “And if you don’t have to tell me about those if you don’t want to.”

“Well I don’t but..” Bucky answered, giving him a lopsided smile. “But I think I have to.. not just for my sake either but..” He paused for a moment. “But for him too..”

He was referring to the Soldier, who needed a little help with this too. It would give Steve the info that he may need to understand more himself. But the real underneath reason he wanted to was just to get out of him. To expel that bastard completely. And now that he was dead, he couldn’t come back and remind him anymore. He could truly move on now.

“He used to…squeeze me when he was on me.” He said, just spitting it out now, just needing to do this quickly. “Because he wanted to make me scream.. because he liked when I was in pain.” He pulled his knees together, feeling it all over again. “But I wouldn’t, I’d just.. twist my wrist like I said..” He looked absently at that hand. “So he’d just squeeze it tighter as he was.. you know. Inside.” He felt his flesh start to shake a little. “It hurt so much I felt sick.. even threw up a few times..”

He remembered this, along with the chain being pulled around his neck so tight he could barely breath. Of throwing up there too, not that they fed him much, so his throat was dry and would hurt when he did. Thinking there was no one who could understand how horrible these things were unless they’d been through it too. Everyone’s hell-scape was different, and you usually walked it alone.

And Steve did not interrupt, even though Bucky could see the contortion of pain on his face confession.

“I never screamed or begged though.” H continued, draining the wound. “He would squeeze me, choke me.. make me bleed but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of doing that.” He kept his voice steady, stay calm. “I just clenched my fist and twisted it until it was over.”

He could still feel all the pain he’d been in, a ghost of it in his lower body. From not just the Colonel but the other as well. Who’d debased and degraded him at the Colonel’s orders. They were both dead now and just the sense of satisfaction he’d gotten thinking of that now, he knew came more from telling his story to everyone, than, exposing them for what they were, than came from their bloody and well-deserved deaths. That he’d already gotten his real closure then.

Telling Steve this made him feel better than the knowledge of the Colonel’s death had made him feel he realized as well. Because the nightmare would fade now, and just be a memory. The pain just a ghost because he’d survived it. That according to Amelia, had been the hardest part of it. Just surviving.

“At least now you know why the Solider still doesn’t like being touched like that yet.” He told Steve, his metal fingers tapping on his knee, keeping them far from his other arm until he was clear. Because that urge still came sometimes.. “I mean I’m okay with it now obviously but.. he still remembers it as painful so.. it might take some time to show him otherwise.”

Steve tented his hands over his nose for a moment and looked at Bucky with those intense blue eyes of his. And he saw pain in them, sympathy but what he didn’t see, and was glad for, was pity. He could handle anything but that. He still hated to think of himself as a victim. Or to be treated like one. Even though he’d learned to accept he had been one, it was still difficult for him to admit out loud even now.

“Are you okay with it thought Buck?” Steve asked him, sliding closer to him but not too close ye,t Still giving him space like he always did in times like this. “I mean if he’s not.. are you sure you are?”

Bucky nodded to him, not letting himself get irritated that he had to answer this again. “I’m a bit further along than he is on things like that Steve.” He explained to him, giving him a soft smile. “I pretty much let you do anything to me now as I recall.”

He did. There really wasn’t much they wouldn’t do now. Steve did have very strong, very talented hands to go along with his other ‘talents’. And no one of it bothered him at all. Once he got past it early on that was. The different between healthy consensual sex and rape and abuse was so clear to him now he wondered how he could’ve ever been confused by it. But he knew sometimes the Soldier still was. Which was what he was driving at here.

“I do still worry that I’m gonna do something that bothers you..” Steve admitted, looking at his hands for moment. “Or him.” He lifted his eyes back up to Buck again. “Something that reminds either one of you.. of them.”

“Listen I don’t want you to worry about that okay?” He said in return, resting both his arms on his knees as he leaned forward. “Although it’s kinda sweet that you do.” He smiled softly at him. “I mean you are right that you do have a lot of power to hurt us both… but you never do.”

Steve shook his head and laid it against the wall behind him. “I’m kinda scared that might though.”

“The fact that you’re scared about it is exactly why I know you won’t.” Bucky told him, just keeping his eyes steady on him. “It’s the difference between you and them.. you have the same power to hurt me, but you never have.” He reached his hand out to touch Steve’s nearest one. “It’s why I trust you with these things.”

Bucky watched as Steve think about this for a moment and then slid over the rest of the way to put his arms around him finally. “I always want to trust me like that Buck.” He said in his ear as he hugged him. “Even if what you say hurts like hell to hear sometimes it’s always safe for you here.” He felt him kiss his head softly, causing his eyes to flutter shut. “Always.”

Bucky just leaned his head against his and smiled at that. Taking in this perfect trust he had here. That he could say anything at all, that he didn’t have to be ashamed of anything. That Steve would love him no matter what he did or was done to him. It didn’t matter. There was such a freedom in that he cherished more than anything.

“Just so you know punk.” Bucky told him, lifting his head and placing his metal hand on the back of Steve’s neck. “If you’re planning on kissing me anytime soon you might wanna wait until I brush my teeth first.” He chuckled and rubbed his nose against his. “Cause I’m sure my breath is horrendous after that.”

Steve just slid his hand into his hair and pulled his lips to his. “I can’t wait that long jerk.”

And he didn’t either, he just kissed right there on the bathroom floor like he hadn’t just thrown up 15 minutes ago. Because it didn’t matter. Nothing did it seemed. He was loved no matter what. And that was a beautiful feeling.

So he climbed onto his lap and let himself be kissed and comforted right there on the floor.

\--

Sometimes, even tonight it didn’t always sit well with Bucky when Steve slowed things dofwn for his sake. But Steve, like Bucky had told him, had always taken his responsibility seriously when it came to the power he did have. And tonight, he did sense a vulnerability in Bucky, in spite of hi earlier stoic posture in the bathroom.

“I told you not to worry about this punk.” Bucky told him, with a powerful grip on his shirt as he laid on the bed. “I’m okay.”

Steve shook his head, bracing himself on the bed as he looked down at him in the semi-dark room. “You’re cute when you’re obstinate jerk.” He said with a grin as Bucky raised an eyebrow at the use of that word. “But like I told the Soldier.. there’s all kinds of ways of satisfying the craving.”

“If you’re trying to confuse me wit big words Rogers it ain’t gonna work.” Bucky replied, pulling on his shirt a little more. “I need.. something to help me get back to sleep.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t gonna get anything boo bear..” Steve said to him, lifting a hand to smooth his hair back. “Trust me you will be plenty satisfied with the results.” He gave him a quick, teasing kiss. “Now turn on your side like a good boy.”

Bucky grinned at him then. “Did I ever tell you I like it when you order me around punk?”

“Why do you think I do it jerk?” Steve asked him, giving his neck a playful nip. “Now do as I say.”

Bucky rolled onto his right side and Steve laid down behind him, wrapping his own left arm around him and pushed his shirt up to nuzzle his face into the scar tissue on his back. Which caused a sweet little sigh from Bucky as he did. He let Bucky lay his head on his right and used the one around him to slowly move over his chest and stomach, stopping to caress that newer scar there as well.

The one the Colonel had given. But he was dead now and they sure as hell weren’t.

Steve felt a satisfaction in that knowledge, burying his face more into the scars on Bucky’s back as pressed more against him from behind. His hand traced the new scar a little more before moving southward, sliding inside his shorts, and felt Bucky whine softly as it reached it destination and wrapped around it’s traget. Steve smiled against his shoulder as he felt an immediate reaction there.

“This is just for you sweetheart.” He purred as he lifted his lips to Bucky ear. “I’m gonna take care of you… help you sleep.”

Bucky nodded, whining a little as Steve began to stroke him softly, returning his face to the scars again. He wasn’t going to take any satisfaction for himself tonight. Knowing Bucky would return the favor as always. Tonight was about being soft and giving him what h needed right now.

After that story he’d d told, Steve felt a need to re-establish the difference again.

Moving his hand gently, he did the polar opposite of what Bucky described earlier, using gentle pressure that caused no pain, only pleasure, judging by the sounds emanating from his love’s throat as he slowly stroked him.

“Fuck..” Bucky moaned, thrusting himself into Steve’s hand almost involuntarily. “You were always… so good.. at this punk..”

“Well..” Steve whispered in his ear. “I’ve always tried to take good care of my boo bear.”

He had remembered long a long, long time ago just how Bucky liked this, and once he’d been okay with him doing it again the memory was still there. There were some nights when he just too tired, or too emotionally wrought to be in the right frame for ‘other’ things and this was always a good alternative. Especially when he just needed to be relaxed and calmed. Bucky was always good at repaying him on a later date. And there was just something so intimate and beautiful about pleasuring him this way. Of just giving to him selflessly like this.

His thoughts had turned to the confession Bucky had made, about that awful treatment. It was bad enough that Colonel had raped him so brutally but to add that kind of pain on to of it, just made it even more horrific. Thinking again if he had all this information at the hospital, the Bratva wouldn’t had a chance at him because he would’ve killed him then. Part of him wishing he still had the chance to, but knowing it was for the best that he hadn’t.

He continued to stroke him gently, up and down his entire length and felt Bucky’s metal hand on top of his, felt both their rings clank together a little. He’d used this hand knowing full well Bucky could feel that ring on it, which would only added to the sensation he was getting.

“Oh… fuck Steve..” Bucky moaned, his body writhing now. “I’m gonna…”

“Let it go baby..” He continued to breath into his ear. “I got you.” 

Bucky groaned and he felt that pulse right before he let go. Watched his eyes roll as he came beautifully in his hand like that. He felt his body just shudder and kissed his neck, hearing his ragged breathing as he did. Seeing over his shoulder, those perfect lips parted, dark lashes hooding his blue eyes as he coughed his breath.

“You’re so beautiful when you cum..” He whispered to him. “My beautiful Bucky..”

Bucky turned around his arm then, Steve’s hand staying in his shorts the whole time, and kissed him languidly, wrapping his flesh arm around him as he did. His was flushed, his hair hanging in his face, looking very relaxed at the moment. Like he could fall asleep, which was exactly the result Steve intended.

“Oh my sweet punk..” Bucky breathed against his lips. “You were right.. about being satisfied..” His breathing was still ragged as his lips skated over Steve’s. “Cause that was…”

Steve just smiled and rubbed his ass softly under his shorts. “You’re welcome jerk.” He told him, nuzzling his hair as Bucky tucked his head under his chin. “Feel better?”

“Oh I feel lots better.” Bucky told him, his own hand sliding under Steve’s shirt and just resting there. “Of course now I gotta change my shorts.” He nuzzled Steve’s neck sweetly. “But I don’t… feel like getting up..”

Steve chuckled at that statement. “Well you can always just sleep without them.”

“True.” Bucky replied, looking up at him with a grin. “That could make it more interesting in the morning too..”

He slid them off under the blanket and then tossed them expertly into the hamper, which was a across the room by the way. A money shot if there ever was one, which always impressed Steve whenever he did it. Then turned back into Steve’s arms with just his shirt on and they could resume their face to face cuddling. Steve put his hand right back where it was under the covers buried his face back into Bucky’s hair.

After a few minutes of this he decided to ask him again. “Are you really okay though?”

“Believe it or not I actually am.” Bucky told him, his hand back under Steve’s shirt again, his metal one tucked under him. “It does help to… talk about those things. “ He closed his eyes and snuggled in closer to Steve as if to get warm. “As much as I don’t like doing it.”

Steve wrapped the arm that was under Bucky’s head, around him and held him closer. “I’m glad you did.” He whispered into his hair. “I always you to feel like you can.”

He did, even if it had hurt like hell to hear these things. It was not only good for him to get it out, but that he trusted him that much to share these deep painful things that sometimes still haunted him, and probably always would to a degree. Steve knew he could never take them from him, that all he could do was bear witness when he needed it, and comfort him when he could.

“I was worried about telling you things sometimes.” Bucky admitted to him. “Was worried I’d give you nightmares or increase your guilt.” He wrapped his arm a little tighter around him along with a leg now. “And I was right to be worried about it, but then I realized something”

“And what was that/”

“That I can take care of you too.” Bucky told him, looking up at him. “That we can take care of each other and if we do that then… “ He smiled at him, his teal blues shining even in the semi-dark room. “We’re both gonna be fine punk.”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed, kissing his head. “We will be.”

“The Soldier will be too.” Bucky said at that moment. “As long as he has you to help him understand things. To show him how it’s supposed to be.”

Steve knew he was right, he would have to there too. The Soldier, was still far more wounded than Bucky, was still learning about himself and the world around him and that adjustment was going to be hard too. His hands found the sensors on Bucky’s head and brushed them, knowing that information would help too. At least to understand him more.

“We’ll do that together too.” He told him, turning a little more and wrapping him up under the covers. “Cause we’re a damn team Sergeant Barnes.” He lifted his chin and looked in his eyes. “We always have been.”

Bucky smiled, bringing their lips together. “Did I ever tell you I love your stupid face Rogers?”

“Yeah.” Steve replied, his lips skating over his. “You might’ve mentioned it a few times.”

“Well I do.” Bucky reiterated to him, his eyes right on his. “I do anything for you.” His flesh hand found Steve’s face, trailing his fingers over it lovingly. “I’d burn down the world if you asked me to.. and so would he.“ His face then turned slightly so they could be closer if that was possible. “Whatever you want.”

Steve felt the weight of that. Of being given so much power over them both. To bend them to his will or hurt them. Two things he knew he’d never do in spite of his fears on that.

“The only thing I want is your heart Buck.” Steve whispered to him, closing the distance to kiss him again. “That’s all.”

Bucky grabbed onto his shirt as he was kissed. “Well you got that.” He breathed against his lip. “And my soul too…you got everything punk.”

That kiss seemed to last forever, and Steve couldn’t pinpoint the moment it ended, or when they both fell asleep tangled in each other, just knew they had one point. Just like when the cat would crawl up and sleep on there feet as well. All he knew was that that was how they’d wake up the next morning.

And just proceeded to stay there for a while after. There was no hurry after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright lets get right into this shall we? 
> 
> I had it mind from when I introduced the Colonel that I didn't want his death to glorious in any way, or at the hands of either Steve or Bucky. He didn't deserve that, and to burden either one of them with it would be the worst thing to me. I wanted it off camera with little fanfare. I wanted to focus on the fallout of it in the sense of what it means for them going forward. Bucky's reaction was almost one of shock and denial, because he never likes to admit the hate he has out loud. Because he feels like it confirms how dark he sometimes feels inside, but it was important for him to acknowledge it so he can 'let it die' like he said in Chapter 26. Like always he needs a blowout to get it to happen. 
> 
> Oh the Soldier, he's starting to understand things now a bit better   
isn't he? I wanted to sort of show that coming to realization of someone he didn't understand they were being abused. As hard of a time as Bucky's had with it, he at least knew he was abused because he always had a foundation, but the Soldier was essentially born into it, and it was only through his growing relationship with Steve that he's learning those things were wrong an bad now. So I think this an interesting arc in this fic to sort of explore a little bit here. 
> 
> Another reader wondered why Bucky hasn't just burned the book and I wanted to kind of explain that in a way. He doesn't quite get it himself yet but Steve sort of does as you noticed. Sometimes moving can be scary as hell for some people. This will also be explored as we get closer to the end (whenever that is lol) But I liked the conversation there a lot. 
> 
> Steve's and Bucky's conversation after his dream too (which btw is the same one the Soldier had as well if you caught the hints) was sort of explain something about the Soldier, and Bucky's own early behavior as well. It it was once again, to keep reiterating to Steve how different he actually is than the Colonel and the others. 
> 
> Another thing I liked about this chapter was the different types of intimacy we are seeing. What Steve is trying to show the Soldier is that there is more than just the 'the sex thing' as he calls it. His little 'exploration' in the shower was to me and interesting addition to this idea. And even Steve's interaction at the end is an example too. I like to change it up sometimes like that and show the level of physical and emotional intimacy they've developed and are evolving. 
> 
> The ice cream scene was a read suggestion that I put my own spin and yes I brought back the slippers as well too because I know they are a fan favorite as well. 
> 
> The next chapter we will start getting some results from the sensors and learn some interesting things about what Bucky's brain is doing now. We will also see the Solider experiencing more things and learning how to cope with his own trauma as well, because he and Bucky are healing together and each one needs th others help with that now that Soldier is experiencing emotions more frequently. 
> 
> Like I said I am leaving on vacation on Friday so there will not be an update next week, but once I get back I'll be working on it I promise. I need this vacation (hell we all need one don't we lol) but until then, thank you for all the comments and reviews and suggestions <3<3< 3 and *hugs* to all of you and stay safe :)


	32. Peace of MInd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo sorry this took so long but it's here :)
> 
> per usual, artwork on my Tumblr :)

Bucky did like his jogs, it gave some alone time. And allowed him to clear his mind. Amelia had said solitude sometimes brought clarity and she had been right on that. She was right on a lot of things.

He did the circuit around the Burrough, because he could cover a lot of distance quicker than most could. Other than maybe Steve that was. And the folks in the area were used to him now. Had re-adopted him as one of their own, and even in a way, had sheltered him from press and public scrutiny. Once the bad apple spies had been rooted out and carted off, what was left was a pretty damn good security system that kept the lookey-loos at a minimum and Bucky was pretty okay with that.

He’d already passed by Coney, the Cyclone and Ferris Wheel in the full swing of summer crowds, hearing the squeals of delight from the children riding them, and the clamor of sellers competing for attention on the boardwalk. The sounds of summer in high gear.

He made his way back around, past the strip where he and Steve both used to live, a lifetime ago. They were fancier apartments now, and Bucky thought they lacked character now. Seemed to bland. Made for yuppies and their ilk. They lacked the fire escapes and the clotheslines hung between windows. The mothers on the porch calling to their kids to come in for super. They were brownstones now. Soulless.

He ran past where Ebbet’s Field used to be as well. Bucky thought sometimes when he went by here, he could almost still smell the hot dogs and hear the crack of the bat. It was funny how your mind could do those things even though there was no evidence left of the field except for a beautiful mural of Jackie Robinson adorning a wall. Bucky always stopped to admire it even though he’d seen it every time he went by. It was just that spectacular to him.

As much as things changed, it was home to him. And he was getting to know it all over again.

He stopped and bent over for a moment, hands on his knees as he rested, before standing up and wiping his sweaty face with his shirt. It was, after all, July slowly turning to August. His hair, pulled back from his face in what Wanda had called a ‘man-bun’ was wet with sweat and the tendrils of hair that never stayed up kept clinging to his face annoyingly. There was barely a breeze to move them, or even cool him off. The dog days of summer were here.

Dropping his shirt back down, Bucky took a drink of his water bottle and took the time to see precisely where he’d stopped on his jog. And found a lack of surprise and a strange sense of unease over where he’d paused. The same place he’d always seem to pause these days.

Righ6t in front of the cemetery gate. And just like all the other times he didn’t go in. Just stood there.

It was the one his parents were buried in. And he hadn’t been in there in over a year. Since before his wedding if he was being honest. And he wasn’t sure why either. He’d passed by it so many times. Stopped right here for a drink many times and yet, he wouldn’t go in. Even though he’d promised them he would.

It wasn’t the first promise he’d broken over the years but this one, it made him feel slightly ashamed. As if he didn’t have enough complicated feelings with regard to his parents that was.

Amelia would’ve told him about subconscious actions like this. Of stopping here almost every jog lately without really thinking of it. And he knew she’d be right about that too. All those unresolved feelings he had about it were still there. And for some reason they were the hardest to face. After everything else he’d faced down in his life, this simple act was proving the most difficult.

And he knew he wasn’t doing it today either. Just like with the book. It was problem for another day.

He ran his hands over his face,, wiping the sweat away and felt the sensors still there. He was getting them off tomorrow and maybe finding out once and for all what was truly going in his head. At least from a neurological standpoint. There was the other aspect too. Once that was getting harder to hide.

He had been spending a lot of time as the Soldier lately, and both Steve and Amelia had noticed and expressed some concern over this. He had a hard time explaining why he was doing this. Why being himself was something he was retreating from more and more often in spite of his outward assertion that he was feeling much better these days. It wasn’t exactly a lie, he was better, but not as well he would’ve liked.

Being patient with himself was not something Bucky was good at yet.

“You have this habit of expecting a lot out of yourself Bucky.” Amelia had told him in session the other day. “You’ve made a lot of progress, but you have to pace yourself.”

Bucky had remembered pacing in the room that day, wanting a cigarette, which happened every so often. That never really went away. Or the urge to scratch, even with the medication it was hard thing to resist when he felt pressure build up inside. And often over dumb things too. Like stupid arguments with Steve, or artist’s block, or just the fact that it was fucking hot out, and he hated staying inside.

Stress management was something he was working on too. To keep those situations from tumbling out of control. Keeping his anxiety and angry outbursts down was a lot harder than he let on to Steve. This was what therapy was for too. For helping him with the little things as well as the major traumas as well.

“Sometimes it’s easier to be him.” He confessed to her, finally sitting down, almost sitting on his metal hand to keep it away from his flesh one. “He doesn’t get like this.. he’s still figuring things out.”

“His issues and traumas are easier for you to deal with than your own is that what your saying?”

Bucky nodded. “Essentially yeah.” He admitted. “And sometimes he’s just more fun to feel things through as well.”

He felt a bit sheepish admitting that, but it was therapy, and he knew he could say anything there. And meant fun in all kinds of ways, not just with their sex life. Although that was very interesting. But Amelia was right in a lot of ways. The Soldier’s issues were easier to address and manage because he thought in more simple terms than Bucky himself did. It was, in a way, another method of avoidance. And Bucky knew that was never good. Pushing things back didn’t make them go away, you were just delaying the einevitable.

Like this right here. The graveyard with its pain lurking by a set of stones with familiar names on them.

But he cursed himself because he didn’t feel strong enough to face that today either. Among other things he hadn’t been sleeping well the last few days. And Steve had told him, two nights in a row he’d woken up crying and couldn’t explain why. And he’d told him because Bucky himself didn’t remember doing it. It wasn’t unusual for him not remember. He had in fact had whole conversations in his sleep he didn’t remember, among other interesting sleep issues in his recent history. But it bothered him that he couldn’t explain this behavior. And the Soldier had no clue either, it was strange and unnerving to him.

He lingered at the gate just a little longer, before finally tucking his water bottle back in his pouch and jogging away. A little faster than he intended to do. It felt like he was running away and he hated that.

On his way back around, he saw that little theater where Steve had taken him to see the Wizard of Oz a few years ago. Remembering the nostalgia of that too and how fun that was revisit. Thinking it would be nice to go see a movie or something tonight. He didn’t even care what movie it was. He had a sudden urge for popcorn and a cramped theater.

A dinner and movie date with his husband. And maybe the Soldier could tag along here and there. In the private moments that was. He still didn’t like crowds too much. Mostly because there were too many strangers. But it was the middle of the week so it wouldn’t be too crowded he hoped.

Bucky found himself planning this as he finished his jog, heading back home, stopping briefly for coffee and to answer a text from Wanda, who was still away on a mission. They had an outstanding date for coffee and shopping, and he reminded her of that. And promptly got an eye-roll emoji and winky one. Which caused him to chuckle as he picked up his pastries and a coffee.

It was nice to distract himself with the mundane, it was just easier than dealing with the complicated shit that always seemed to swirl on the edges of his life like a couple of annoying bugs he couldn’t quite swat away.

And he did pride himself on the fact that he could jog with the coffee and not spill a drop. It was the little things sometimes that made life easier sometimes.

So he made his way home, wondering if his errant punk of a husband was home yet, because he had plans that involved him and bucket of popcorn somewhere. He amused himself with this plan as he rounded the final corner to their house.

And was happy to find that Steve was, in fact home.

In the kitchen in fact as he came in the door. He could see him from there. The kitchen was just past the stairs in full view of the door. Arya scampered over to greet him, wandering into between his legs in typical cat fashion, greeting her dark-hair daddy happily.

He put his finger to his lips as to tell her _quiet…_ and sneakily made his way to Steve. Putting down the coffee and pastries as quietly as possible as he did.

“Well hello there stranger..” He purred in his ear as he wrapped his arms around him from behind. “Welcome home.”

“Hello to you too gorgeous.” Steve replied, smiling over his shoulder at him. “What kind of trouble you been up today?”

Bucky nuzzled his shoulder, letting his hands get a good feel of that chest as he did. “Oh you know my usual sheathings..” He said into his ear. “Mischief and mayhem”

Steve turned in his arms and put his hands on Bucky’s head, smoothing his sweaty hair back as he did. Bucky closed his eyes and felt himself purr like Arya did when she was being petted. Because that’s essentially what Steve was doing and he loved it, letting his hands rest on his waist, fingers flexing on hi t-shirt.

“You worked up quite a sweat there Sergeant.” Steve observed, before tilting his head up to look in his eyes. “How was your jog?”

“Productive.” Bucky told him, continuing to play with his shir, fisting it his metal handt. “I had an idea actually.”

“Oh yeah?” Steve asked curiously. “Do tell.”

“I thought maybe we could have a date night.” He suggested, biting his lip in that playful way. “Dinner and a movie maybe?” He smiled saucily and rubbed his nose against Steve’s. “We could sit in the back row like we used and fool around a little too if we want..”

Steve smiled himself and wrapped his hand around the back of Bucky’s head. “I like the sound of that.”

“Then it’s settled.” Bucky declared, looping his arms around Steve’s neck. “But I gotta get cleaned up first of course cause I probably stink.” He inhaled and wrinkled his nose. “There’s no probably about it actually I reek.”

Steve just smiled and nuzzled his neck. “You smell fine to me.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Right..” He dismissed, but allowed the nuzzling just the same. “You have no sense of smell punk.. I mean I ran around the entire Burrough for crissakes.”

But his punk did not seem to care or mind that at all, pulling him closer to him and sucking on a part of that sweaty neck. Which caused Bucky to sigh at the feel of and close his eyes, his hands gripping the back of Steve’s shirt. He could even feel the cat walking between their legs, purring happily. There was just some basic and peaceful about these kind of moments, they settled his mind better than anything else.

“Maybe you could help me clean up big guy.” He suggested to him. “You know get those.. hard to reach places.”

“Well I’d love to.” Steve told him as he pulled their lips together. “I am at your service after all..”

Bucky let himself melt into a kiss before he was carted off to the bathroom to get cleaned up. A nice through cleaning too he was happy to undergo. A good inside and out scrub that made him feel very clean indeed. Washing off the jog and the nagging thoughts for a bit.

Steve’s cleaning service always offered 100% satisfaction guaranteed after all.

\--

Bucky had changed into a dark blue button-down shirt with a pair of dark jeans and looked, well, delicious. But then again, he always did. He could’ve worn his pajamas and would’ve turned heads Steve was sure.

He liked the way he rolled his sleeves up, showing off the entire forearm. Including his metal arm. He had a pair of sunglasses pushed over his hair, which was down now, and had his tags showing just little in the open throat of his shirt. It painted such a gorgeous and Steve was thinking as he watched him gather his phone and everything else that since it was warm out, they’d take one of the bikes out.

So he reached around the doorway and grabbed Bucky’s keys for his bike off the hook and tossed them to him without warning. Which he still caught expertly, he always had good reflexes like that. Hell he barely even looked sometimes, which was cool and pretty damn sexy too he had to admit.

“You drive.” He told him as Bucky looked at him questioningly. “Since it was your idea and all.”

Bucky stuffed his phone deep into his pocket and gave him that saucy smile he loved so much. “You just wanna ride behind me don’t you?”

“There are perks to being in the back yes.” Steve agreed, stepping over and sliding an arm around him teasingly. “But I also like the way you drive too jerk.”

Bucky continued to smile as he pulled away and stepped into the garage. “Whatever you say punk.” He told him and grabbed their helmets off the hook. “Just wear your damn helmet so you don’t crack that stupid blond head of yours off the pavement.”

He tossed him the blue one and Steve caught it deftly himself and put it on. And took a moment to admire the way Bucky climbed on the bike. The way his leg swung, stretching the thigh before he settled on it and straddled it. Which always reminded Steve of the way he’d straddled his thighs when he rode him. He had to shake his head and get rid of that thought or they’d never leave the house.

“Come on Rogers stop ogling me and get on the bike.” Bucky called out to him, as if knowing exactly what he was thinking. “I’m getting hungry.”

He chuckled and climbed onto the maroon colored bike behind Bucky, putting his arms around his waist as he did. “Me too jerk.” He told him as he started the bike up. “Me too.”

Bucky revved up the bike and opened the garage door before doing a nifty little move right in the garage so he didn’t have to back out. He had skills that was for sure and Steve did love riding behind him, loved holding on his waist and pressing right up behind him, feeling that adrenaline rush there with him as they would lean together going around corners. The Apache was lower to the ground and handled their combined weight perfectly. And cornered like it was on rails.

They went to a steakhouse for dinner and ate a ton of it. Both of them could eat a lot, especially when hungry. And Steve had managed to convince Bucky to let himself have a real drink, but it took a little work on his part.

“I’m am driving punk.” Bucky argued as he ate some complimentary bread. “Don’t wanna crash us and ruin that pretty face of yours.”

“It’s one beer jerk calm down.” Steve returned, holding up his own. “That doesn’t impair a normal person never mind you.”

Bucky looked seriously at him for a moment. “You know I have a hard time stopping at just one Steve.”

Steve looked at him sympathetically, wishing he would relax a little on these things and trust himself a little. It was like he was punishing himself in some ways by not letting himself fully enjoy things. He knew he had things on his mind and was probably afraid he would fall back on that crutch like his father had, and that was a bit sad to him. He just wanted him to have a good time without worrying about it but knew he couldn’t push him too hard either. Just had to convince him is all.

“You’re not him you know?” He said softly, holding his eyes. “You got a much better support system than he did and you just need to trust yourself.”

“I know Steve.. I just.” Bucky replied, flicking his eyes away for just a moment. “I wanna be careful that’s all.”

Steve nodded and reached over to put his hand on his metal one. “You can have one damn beer okay?” He told him reassuringly. “I’ll keep an eye on you I promise.”

“Okay.” Bucky sighed and looked gratefully into his eyes. “As long as your watching me.” 

He did and was happy to see him enjoy himself a little more. He wasn’t encouraging the drinking, he knew it could problematic but encouraging him to have a little more faith in himself that he could handle it. And it was fun, amusing each other with some dumb memes and stories from work as well. Bucky always liked to hear what was going on there, and when his friends were going to get home.

“I mean I love you punk, but I need to see other people once and a while. “ He declared, finishing off his one beer and ordering a soda after. “Although the bubble has been.. fun..”

Referring to the fact that they’d seen mostly each other over the last couple of weeks due to honeymoons and missions and all. It had been a good sort of renewal for them after the Netherlands and all he knew, but they did need to branch out again with others too. But not tonight. Tonight was date night and they were going to enjoy all the perks of that.

“So what movie should we see?” He asked Bucky, finishing his own beer. “I’m not up on what’s out lately.”

“Neither am I.” Bucky confessed himself, shoveling down some garlic mashed potatoes like a starving man. “Was thinking maybe we go to one of those little theaters where they play the old shit.” He seemed to remember something and smiled. “I think the one I went by was playing Snow White and Seven Dwarfs actually.”

“Did we see that?” Steve asked, remembering it being a big deal when it came out. “I don’t remember.”

Bucky laughed in that nostalgic kind of way, and Steve loved the way his nose crinkled when he did it. “We sure did punk.” He told him and hooded his eyes. “You just don’t remember cause we spent most of it making out in the balcony.”

Now he remembered. They’d done a lot of that because it was one of the few places where they could do that and no one would see them. Had a few memorable moments if he recalled fondly. The only movie around that time he actually remembered paying attention was the Wizard of Oz. All the others were just an excuse for some semi-public, rebellious hanky panky in a dark corner of the theater.

“Yeah.” He recalled. “That was fun.” He smiled at Bucky and ate a piece of steak. “Maybe we’ll actually see the movie this time.”

Bucky hooded his eyes again as he finished his dinner. “Don’t count on it punk.”

With that statement Bucky of course ordered dessert and Steve just loved watching him enjoy himself like this. Eating an ice cream sundae like a kid, and he could see the hints of the Soldier in him in the way he enjoyed it. It was what was so good about that, it seemed to bring back that joy in simple life again. He just folded his hands until chin and watched adoringly as the love of his life enjoyed his dessert.

“What?” Bucky asked, looking over his spoon at him.

“Nothing.” Steve replied, smiling broadly. “You’re just adorable that’s all.”

“I am a lot of things punk.” Bucky declared, picking up the cherry and popping it in his mouth. “But I am not adorable.” He sucked the cherry a provocatively. “Kittens are adorable.”

He then ran his tongue over the spoon, getting all the whipped cream as if to emphasize this point. It was quite a tun-on to watch that tongue work like that. “You know you’re lucky we’re in public Sergeant Barnes.” He told him, leaning forward and wrapping his foot around Bucky’s. “Cause there are penalties for teasing your Captain.”

“Oh I know.” Bucky replied, taking another spoonful and doing the same thing again. “I’m looking forward to it.”

Steve reached over and took the ice cream to have a bit of his own. “Should save your appetite for the popcorn jerk.”

Bucky wrapped his foot around Steve’s a little more under the table. “I got plenty of appetite punk.” He said in a saucy tone. “Don’t worry about that.”

Among other things, he thought to himself. Thinking some public mischief was actually kind of a fun idea. And when they climbed on the bike afterward, before h put his helmet on he let his hands wander over Bucky’s hips and thighs and chewed on his neck a little right there in the parking lot. Just as a bit of revenge for the display inside.

“Just wait til we get in the theater jerk.” He whispered in his ear. “Then you’re in trouble.”

Bucky turned his head a little, his eyes a little dark. “I think we both are punk.”

He allowed a little more neck-chewing, and even a hand under his shirt, just sort of leaning back into it. Steve thought he smelled so damn good too as he moved his hair out of the way with his face to get a little more of that neck. Wishing they were in la little more of a private place so he could really have more fun. Bucky had even lifted his metal arm and wrapped it around Steve’s head, turning his face a little more to brush his lips over his.

“Save it for the theater punk.” He said in a breathy voice as he turned back and revved up the bike. “Or we’re gonna miss the show.”

And with that they finally roared off, one of Steve’s hand’s still in between the buttons of Bucky’s shirt. And what a rush that was, causing him to smile inside his helmet as the world flew by them at top speed.

He just smiled and held on tight just like that. This was a good night.

\--

He really did try to watch the movie. He did. But just like the other times he was not successful. But for more than one reason. The first one expected, the second one, not so much.

They had gotten to the theater, in spite of Steve distracting him slightly while on the bike. And got themselves some popcorn. They must’ve been cute as all hell doing it judging by the look on the face of the girl at the counter as they continued to flirt and act like a couple of handsy teenagers on a date.

“I do insist on paying.” Steve told the girl at the counter. “It’s date and his money’s no good here.”

Bucky actually thought this was kind of cute himself and did a funny, starry eyed look, and wrapped his arm around Steve’s. “He’s so chivalrous isn’t it?” He added with a wink, leaning his head on his shoulder. “My hero.”

It was a big bucket of popcorn too, more than enough for both of them Bucky grabbed the Bucky off the off the counter and started popping in his mouth. He loved movie theater, all greasy and fattening and everything. He remembered loving going to the movies even before it became a make-out place. It had been a luxury they couldn’t always afford, a treat. A respite from the difficulty of the times and for some reason tonight it felt the same way to him.

“I do remember this is kind of a kids movie punk.” Bucky told him as he paid the pretty girl. And swatted his hand away when it when it went too south for polite companyl. “Maybe we should.. you know.. behave ourselves a little..”

Steve just snaked and arm around him and let him away. “Oh now you wanna be all responsible jerk.” He said into his ear, causing him to do the finger twirl at the girl as he was spun away from the counter. “After everything we’ve done in theaters over the years..”

Bucky laughed almost giddily as they walked into the theater, searching for the darkest corner possible as they did. Steve was right on that, they’d certainly desecrated a few public places during their very long tenure together. This probably would be no exception.

They did see more of the movie than they had before, in between feeding each other popcorn and making out here and there. They just couldn’t help it he supposed. The nostalgia always seemed to remind them both of that simpler time when they were secretly rebelling against the world in general. The dark of the theater and the old music and animation just adding to it. And at one point he was even a bit sad, for reasons he understood quite well.

Because for some reason Snow White made him think of his sister Becca, with her dark hair and fair skin. It was a common look but he seemed to recalled she’d like this movie lot. Which had been odd in her case, having been somewhat of a tomboy and all. It was infusing him a with a bit of melancholy and made him snuggle against Steve a few times during, it, turning his face into him to cover himself, prompting a bit of concern from him.

“You okay?” He asked at one point, when one of the musical numbers had ended.

“Yeah it’s just..” He bit his lip, tucking his head under Steve’s chin. “Becca loved this movie.”

Steve didn’t say anything just wrapped his arm around him a little tighter as if to show he understood. And the last thing Bucky wanted to do was ruin this fun night with some of his stupid melancholy bullshity. So he lifted his face and nuzzled his neck just under his ear, before moving his lips to Steve’s again, kissing him with the popcorn bucket tucked between them, his metal hand on his face as he turned more to him.

It turned into a full-blown make-out session after a while, Bucky putting his leg right over Steve’s and feeling his hand rubbing his thigh and hip before sliding under his shirt. He whined softly at the feel of this, sliding over a little more and letting Steve get a good fistful of his hair.

The sound of ‘Whistle while you work’ in the background just kind of added a surreal touch to it all.

“You’re getting’ fresh there Rogers.” He whispered against Steve’s lips. “Feel like you’re tryin’ to stead third base.”

Steve’s hand was under his jeans, giving his ass sweet little squeeze under them now. “I don’t have to steal what’s given to me jerk.”

If they hadn’t been in a movie theater he just might’ve crawled into Steve’s lap and had himself a real good time but he had to have some decorum. This was fun enough just like this, with their hands all over each other and a pocket bucket getting squished between, causing some to dribble onto his leg as they moved. . It distracted him from his earlier thoughts. From a lot of things actually. Like a strange wavery feeling in his head that felt almost like sliding backwards. Like he was going to grey out, like he sometimes did after really good sex. But he hadn’t had sex. At least not recently. It made no sense and he tried to shake it off as best he could, once again, not wanting to interrupt the moment.

But he’d felt something else too. A strange growing chill like he was cold.

And it wasn’t cold in the theater, was very warm actually. He filed it away as just weird random thing and went back to making out with his husband in the back of the theater while Snow White play in front of them.

The Soldier, observing in his head, while unwilling to be out in this public place on his own, was enjoying himself through Bucky. He liked the music and the general vibe of the movie. He did notice, at one point, that strange drop in temperature as well and felt uneasy about it. He’d maintained a healthy suspicion of strange feelings and situations and this was no exception.

It was always good to be wary and watchful. It was a lesson that was very harshly learned.

Danger came from everywhere. Even from inside you if weren’t careful.

So he kept a lookout for Bucky. For clues to what this strange sensation was. Seeing a possible threat to them. And allowed Bucky to enjoy his time out with Steve as a result.

They were a team after all weren’t they?

Bucky felt that presence and it allowed him to relax under Steve’s touches and kisses in the back part of the theater, his leg completely wrapped over Steve’s now. Every so often feeding each other popcorn when they took a break for air and actually paid attention to the movie occasionally.

Doing his best to shake off the weird feeling he hand that encroaching sense of cold a little longer.

\--

Even during the movie, and their canoodling, Steve had noticed a little something off with Bucky. Yeah it had something to do with his admission of Becca liking the movie, causing some understandable melancholy, but there was something else too.

He had been shivering every so often, even though it was warm in there. Like a chill had gone through him.

The only reason this worried him was because the only times he’d seen that happen was when he either had a fever, or when he was reliving something from that time before. He didn’t say anything, but since he didn’t seem to have a high body temperature, it had to be the latter. But asking him in the theater was pointless. It might even start a fight if he wasn’t in the mood to discuss it, and Steve sure as hell didn’t want to do that on such a great day overall.

But because he was so observant of him, he noticed deviations from normal behavior. Which in an average person might not have been an issue, but Bucky’s mental and neurological issues made him pay attention to changes in behavior more carefully as a result.

So when they were outside after, about to get on the bike, he stopped him, just wanting to make sure.

“Is everything alright?”

Bucky looked at him curiously for a moment. “Yeah.” He answered, undoing the helmet straps from the bike. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You just seemed distracted for a moment that’s all.” Steve told him, his hand lightly on his arm. “And cold.”

“I just got a chill that’s all.” Bucky answered, holding his helmet in his metal hand. “It happens sometimes, especially when they got the A/C cranked up high and all.”

It wasn’t up high, it was actually very comfortable, so he knew he was hedging just a bit as if to cover. But the look he had was one of not being deliberately vague. It was almost like he wasn’t sure himself. His eyes, which were reflecting the streetlight in a very pretty way, showed that confusion to Steve rather clearly and he didn’t like that look.

“It wasn’t really cold in there Buck.” He reminded him. “And we were… well warming each other up that wasn’t it.”

Bucky smiled a little at him, which looked a bit forced. Like he was trying to hard. “You give me the shivers punk what can I say?”

He put his hand on his face and saw those eyes flutter just slightly in reaction. “I just wanna make sure that’s all.” He told him, trying to make this clear. “I’m allowed to do that right?”

Bucky smiled a little more genuinely at that, leaning against the bike and bracing himself with his flesh hand as he did. He looked soft and even bit younger under the ambient glow of the streetlight, his hair blowing in the light breeze, billowing a bit around Steve’s fingers. He hung the helmet on the handlebars and wrapped his metal hand around Steve’s arm and just looked down for a moment.

“Yes you are Steve.” He said quietly, his flesh hand finding Steve’s and gripping it. “And I’m glad you do even if.. I get irritated with it sometimes.”

Steve tilted his chin so he could look in his eyes, and saw that slight confusion in them, as if he really didn’t know what was wrong now. He honestly believed that he didn’t. Because he would’ve either admitted or got defensive. Those were his go-to reactions lately, not this confused acquiescence . So he let his fingers just brush that brown back a little and kissed him softly right there in the parking lot, telling him silently that whatever it was it would be okay.

“Did you have fun tonight?” He asked after pulling his lips away, holding his face with one hand.

“I sure did punk.” Bucky replied, his eyes sparkling now in recollection. “I like date nights.”

“Me too jerk.” Steve told him, wrapping an arm around his waist. “We should do them more often.”

Bucky responded that by putting his metal arm around Steve’s neck, pulling him closer so their heads were pressed together as they leaned against the bike. “Maybe you can take me home now Captain?” He suggested, his lips brushing over Steve’s. “Since you were such a splendid date and all I think you’ve earned it.” He slid the keys into Steve’s hand and smiled. “You can even drive if you want..”

Returning the hand holding the keys to around his waist, Steve used the other to get a gentle fistful of his hair and engage in much less chaste kiss then the other. Similar to the ones they’d shared inside. He could hear cars and street commotion, but it was all background noise to him. It felt like one of those romantic kisses you’d see in movies, almost directly under streetlight and once again he allowed himself to appreciate the fact they could do this now publicly all they wanted now. That it was safe.

It took a lot to pull himself away from those lips. He never got tired of kissing them.

When he finally did, he took a moment to stare into his eyes again. “I love you.” He told him meaningfully., his hand still on his face, watching those beautiful eyes flutter open again.

“I love you too punk.” Bucky answered, his eyes shining with feeling. “Now take me home and take me to bed you big lug.”

Steve just smiled and grabbed his helmet. “As you wish gorgeous.”

Climbing onto the bike he felt Bucky’s arms immediately got around him from behind, holding him close almost as if holding on for dear life. And he loved the way that felt, with his body pressed up behind him, trusting on and depending on him to safely chariot him back home. He didn’t know why Bucky had chosen to give him the keys, and in the back of his mind, he wondered if he was, in fact okay, but he was more than happy be the solid one right now for him if he needed it.

Partway during the ride, he felt his head on his shoulder like he was sleeping on it, which was odd in if of itself, but he wasn’t loose or anything, still hanging on tightly. It just felt like he was tired maybe. He felt and urge to stop and check but decided to wait until they got home, because his grip hadn’t loosened in a scary way yet.

Pulling into the garage and closing the door, he turned the bike off and turned a little and could see his eyes closed through the open visor. As if he was in fact dozing. “Bucky?” He asked, as he turned the bike off and turned even more. “We’re home.”

Bucky seemed to start awake and look at him at bit confused. “We are?”

“Yeah.” He told him, helping him sit up a little before getting off the bike himself. “I think you fell asleep.” He picked up his chin again as he pulled his helmet off. “You sure you’re alright?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered, looking up at him. “I’ve never done that before.”

Not sure how steady he was, he very carefully helped him off the bike and kept an arm around him. He did seem a little unsteady but able to walk, so he just kept his arm around him as he brought him inside. And then helped him upstairs to the bedroom, where he promptly laid down, almost collapsing onto it.

“I guess maybe you shouldn’t have had that beer huh?” He joked as he helped him undress. “You can’t handle it anymore.”

“I can handle it just fine punk.” Bucky protested tiredly as Steve got his pants off. “Better than you.”

Steve chuckled at the feistiness he was still showing. “Well I’m not the one who can barely stand up. So..”

Bucky just looked up at him, still looking a little confused as to why he was like this right now. “It’s not the alcohol Steve..” He told him, his eyes darting about the room. “I don’t’ know what this is.. I just feel.. weird.”

Steve nodded and got out of his own clothes before climbing in next to him and wrapping him up in his arms. Bucky took that moment to just sort curl into him and close his eyes, letting out a deep breath. It did feel like his body temperature was a bit low, so he wrapped the blanket around him too. Whatever this was, he clearly wasn’t well, and Steve was glad he was going to see Pam tomorrow. He might have to mention this to her.

“How about you just go to sleep okay?” Steve suggested to him, resting his chin on top of Bucky’s head. “Maybe you’ll feel better tomorrow.”

He felt Bucky let out a heavy sigh against his neck. “This kinda pisses me off you know?” He said quietly into neck. “I had big plans for you when I got home.. after such a great date and all.”

“It’s okay jerk.” Steve told him, rubbing his back comfortingly. “There’s always another day. Right now I just want you to rest.”

Bucky nodded into his neck and snuggled into him more, his metal hand gripping his shirt tightly before relaxing and seeming to fall asleep again. Steve pulled the blanket more around him, creating that warm cocoon of safety like he always did for when he was like thiss, complete with the cat, who’d made herself comfortable at their feet.

He even fell asleep himself for a little bit until Bucky awoke in the middle of the night, just like the last couple, and seemed to weep in his arms. He didn’t bother to ask him what it was, he couldn’t seem to answer, it was like he wasn’t fully awake. But it was still painful to hear and all he could do was soothe him until he fell back to sleep again, with the occasional hitching sob going through his body as he calmed back down in his sleep.

Right before Steve himself fell asleep he thought about the small things that made up a long-term relationship. All the secret things you understood and knew about your partner that no one else did. That once you slept beside someone for years, you knew them and their personal demons very well.

Loving Bucky was difficult at times but was so worth it to him and always would be.

And when he fell asleep, he was holding him tight again, keeping him safe from even his own head as usual. It’s what you did for someone you loved.

\--

Bucky woke up early the next day, but didn’t really want to. He was in no particular hurry to get the day going. He was getting the sensors off and the information from them would revealed. And he didn’t know why he was so hesitant about that.

Why he wanted to extend the time, and the blissful ignorance a little longer.

And he still wasn’t feeling well after last night. That weirdness in his head, including the cold feeling on the edge of his mind, were still there. Along with the fatigue that had caused to not only fall asleep earlier than planned, but to fall asleep on the bike as well.

And he was still tired. Which bothered him a lot. Bone tired, like he hadn’t slept at all.

So he called on his constant companion, deciding to give the Soldier the morning while he sorted it out in the back of his mind a bit. He’d been doing this a lot lately anyways, and it still felt like avoidance to him. But he was just… tired. All he wanted to do was sleep more.

The Soldier, for his part, was more than happy to have the morning at least. He’d gotten pretty self-sufficient when came to getting his own food. The machines in the kitchen weren’t much more complicated than the weapons he’d taught to use after all, and with Bucky always backing him up it was easy to get some breakfast together for himself and a coffee for Steve.

Even though Bucky seemed a little off still. But he could manage, he’d seen Bucky do this enough times.

He was actually quite proud of himself to be honest. Like Bucky, he was beginning to like this ‘domestic’ life as the latter had called it, sometimes laughing when he did.

“Former assassin turned house-husband punk.” He would say to Steve. “You really lucked out.”

The Soldier wasn’t sure what a ‘house-husband’ was, but it seemed to amuse Bucky to refer to himself that way. It was better than being an assassin that was fairly obvious. In fact the more the Soldier was removed from that previous life, the more he understood just how bad it had been. Just how much he’d been deceived about his ‘purpose’ in life.

As he balanced his ‘English muffins’ with that yummy peanut butter on them, his ‘orange juice’ and Steve’s ‘coffee’ as well, he realized he liked this better too. This ‘purpose’ was much more pleasant in his mind.

Sitting down lightly on the bed, the Soldier put the coffee down on the bedstand and held his plate in one hand, his glass in the other and proceeded to have his breakfast, watching Steve sleep. Which he also liked to do as well. It was very peaceful and he was starting understand that word too.

When he’d first started coming out here and being aware of these new surroundings, he’d done this as well, but for entirely different reason. He’d been studying him, trying to figure out this new Commanding Officer he had, figure out what he wanted and why his behavior was so different from the others. It was a mix of curiosity and suspicion that gradually grew to confusion as this one’s behavior continued to be light years different than he’d expected. The Soldier was conditioned to the idea of serving his handlers. His maters if you will, and was perplexed when Steve not only didn’t demand things out of him, but didn’t hurt him either.

He understood why now of course. Because Steve wasn’t a handler. Wasn’t one of them.

That Steve loved him, which was something altogether new to him in his life. It was something that Bucky, the other in his head, had alluded many times. A feeling he’d sensed in those memories of this particular master. That Bucky didn’t see him as a master and now the Soldier didn’t see him that way either anymore.

He could see the ring on the metal hand through the glass of orange juice he was drinking and knew a completely different kind of belonging to someone. He did belong to Steve, but in a different way than before. A good way. They were ‘married’ and the Soldier like that much better than the alternative.

The Soldier took another bite of his muffin as he laid on his side, putting the plate down in front of him as he did. The cat, Arya he knew now, was walking back and forth and rubbing her fur against his leg and he liked that feeling too. She was tiny, but not afraid of him in the slightest.

“I smell peanut butter.” Steve said suddenly, causing the Soldier to look up and see his eyes open. “Someone’s having breakfast without me.”

“We were hungry.” The Soldier told him, almost sheepishly as he finished. “We made you… coffee?”

He saw Steve smile at that as he sat up on an elbow and saw the cup of coffee, with a mug that read ‘it’s too early for this shit’ and smiled back at him. “Well thank you Soldier.” He answered, putting his hand on his face, which always felt nice. “I do appreciate that.”

Steve then used that same hand to pick up the mug of coffee and drink some of it. And the Soldier looked at him anxiously, wondering if he’d made it right, he’d followed Bucky’s instructions and hoped he’d put the right ingredients in.

“Good?” He asked Steve after a moment.

“Yes.” Steve answered as if sensing his apprehension. “Perfect.”

The Soldier smiled at this almost shyly and saw Steve put the cup down and reach back up to pull him into a kiss. Now these he really liked. Ever since the first time Steve had kissed him he’d liked them. No one had ever kissed him before Steve and if the Soldier had his way no one else ever would either. No one else was allowed to even get that close actually.

“You tasted like peanut butter.” Steve whispered against his lips, hand in his hair now. “I like it.”

He smiled at this himself and put his plate aside to let Steve pull him into his arms even more, kissing him even more now. Steve tasted good too. Most likely like the coffee he’d drank but the Soldier loved the way tasted all the time, letting his metal hand grip onto the back of Steve’s sleep shirt and sighing softly into hit.

“Steve tastes good too.” He told him in between those kisses.

After a little bit of that, the Soldier snuggled up against Steve as he drank his coffee, just smelling him and feeling his warm body next to his. Yes this life was so much better in his mind. He was ‘living’ as Bucky had said many times, and it was heavenly. Like a dream he never wanted to come out of.

“So where’s Bucky this morning?” Steve asked as he nuzzled his hair. “Not that I’m complaining about the company though.”

The Soldier smiled at this little bit of teasing, understanding it a bit more now. “Said he… needed to think.” He told Steve, his metal fingers running up and down Steve’s back. “To rest more.”

“Is he okay?”

The Soldier searched his head a little for that answer, realizing it wasn’t a solid, binary yes or no. Those answers were complicated, and he was still learning those nuances a bit. “He doesn’t really know.” Was the answer he came up with. “It’s all.. mixed up in there.”

“Do you know what happened last night?” Steve inquired, looking worried. “Why he didn’t feel well?”

“We don’t know.” The Soldier answered as best he could because it was true, he didn’t know. “It’s… all weird inside.. cold.. we’re confused too.”

It was the best word he could find to describe it he supposed. Because he was. It was better being out here than in there right now. He didn’t understand the complicated stuff yet. The feeling in there were confusing as all hell to the Soldier, who was used to just being a machine and seeing things in straight black and white code. There was no training that could teach hm to deal with the variety of colors and words this new life was showing him.

“Well he has to see the doctor today.” Steve told him as he put his cup and wrapped him up a little more. “So maybe we’ll find out then.”

“Don’t like doctors.” The Soldier said in response, curling into Steve a little more. “Don’t like that.. place..”

It was called a hospital he knew but giving it a name didn’t change the fact that he hated being there. It reminded him too much of what the other ‘doctors’ had down to him and Bucky. The sounds and the smells. And the pain they always seemed to be in whenever they were there. The last time he’d woken up there had been a mask of some kind on his face and tubes in his arms and if hadn’t been for Steve he would’ve freaked out. As it was, Steve had to stop him from ripping them all out at the time.

He had been terrified, just knowing the last thing he’d remembered before that was being hurt by the Colonel and then this. But Steve had made it okay then. Like he always did.

“I know but we do have to go.” Steve assured him, kissing his head as he did. “Bucky will do that part don’t worry I’m sure he’ll wake before then.”

The Soldier knew Bucky didn’t like that place either, but he seemed to trust the women they always saw there. The Soldier didn’t mind women, it was the men he didn’t trust. Men always hurt him. Expect for Steve that was.

It was better he didn’t go there, even if Steve was there with him. It was better Bucky handle that.

“Hurt us there.” He said as he buried his face more into Steve’s shoulder. “Don’t like it.”

“They’re not gonna hurt you this time I promise.” Steve told him, tipping his chin to look him in the eyes. “They are just taking these off.” He ran his fingers over the sensor that were still on his head. “Okay?”

The Soldier had actually forgotten about those, putting his own hand on them. Remembering Steve telling him they were to help him and Bucky. He’d almost panicked at first, thinking he’d done something wrong, but Bucky had assured him it was okay and asked him to trust him and he did.

“Help us.” He replied to Steve. “Not hurt?”

“ti won’t hurt at all.” Steve told him. “I promise.”

The Soldier always believed Steve when he said things like that because, well, Steve didn’t lie to him. He was still not planning to be present then though. But right now, he was just happy to be with Steve like this. So he put his metal hand up to Steve’s face and pulled it to him to kiss him again, letting his tongue taste inside his mouth again like he liked to. Feeling Steve wrap his arm around and tun him onto his back as they kissed.

There was a time when being in a vulnerable position like this would’ve caused him to fight and claw but not with Steve, never with Steve.

Speaking of that, Steve’s hands were moving over his body, very close to that place where he still hadn’t allowed him to touch him. But he also ached to let him. His fear of the pain that would result was holding him back but now he was wondering why he was afraid of it still. Steve didn’t hurt him. Steve was not like them, like Bucky had always said. Steve’s hands were soft and always felt good.

So he moved his own hand and put it on Steve’s, moving it closer to that part of him that he’d deprived of that touch. “Touch us..” He whispered against Steve’s lips as he moved closer. “Here.”

Steve pulled his lips back to look him in the eyes. “Are you sure?’

“Yes.” The Soldier responded in a Bucky like way. “Trust Steve.”

Steve smiled softly, leaning on his elbow. “Okay.” He told him, brushing his lips over his. “But if you wanna stop tell me.”

The Soldier nodded, closing his eyes as he felt Steve’s fingers brush the sensitive skin there first. The touch was soft and tentative at first, easing his nervousness at this new thing. When they slid around it just a little, he tensed slightly, remembering painful squeezes but this was not painful. It felt good and he relaxed, allowing Steve to stroke him gently up and down. He heard a soft moan escape him, his eyes fluttering open and closed. This felt nothing like what the others had done to him.

Because Steve didn’t hurt him when he touched him like this.

He was still fearful that it would hurt though sooner or later, but Steve seemed to sense this and was careful, slow. Leaning more on his elbow, he brushed the Soldier’s hair with that hand as he stroked him more, causing that part of him to come to life even more. The sensation this was bringing to his body was easing the fear even more as Steve’s strong, yet soft hand wrapped around him fully, rubbed him and the Soldier was unable to control the sounds that came out of him when he did

“How’s that feel?” Steve asked him, nuzzling his neck and shoulder. “You like that that?”

“Yes.” The Soldier moaned pushing himself more into his hand. “We do.”

“Do you want me to do more?”

There was something yes. Something Bucky liked as well. The Soldier had a vague memory of being around at a time when his other half was moaning like this,, his metal hand in Steve’s hair. He had a far-away sensation of warmth down there, surrounding him. He’d been too afraid of touch in that area come too close to the surface but now, he wanted to know what that was.

“The other… thing…” He moaned, his eyes half-lidded. “The warm thing?”

Steve looked up, understanding in his eyes. “You want my mouth on you Soldier?” He asked him. “Is that what you want?”

He found himself nodding. “Bucky likes that…we want.. that..”

Now that he wasn’t as afraid, he was diving right in. Wanting to experience everything now. With Steve. Just like Bucky does.

And when Steve nodded and slid down his body to do just that, the Soldier bit his lip in anticipation of this new direct experience. And felt maybe a little fearful too, but he needn’t have been It was everything he’d expected to be and more. Steve’s tongue moving over him, his mouth encircling him. It felt so good, his eyes rolling in his head as his metal fingers found Steve’s hair and gripped, urging him on.

No one had ever done for him like this before. Only to him. Things had been taken but never given. But that was before. This was a new life and he was embracing it. Feeling Steve lift his legs over his own shoulders and grip him tight as he gave him the greatest pleasure he’d ever felt.

“Our Steve…” He moaned, unable to control his hip movement. “Ours.”

Bucky was right, mornings with Steve were the best and he never wanted it to end.

\--

Steve always loved the way those metal fingers gripped his hair when he this.

And just like everything else, the Soldier went after every new experience with gusto. And Steve going down on him for the first time when he was totally in that part of his head was no exception. The Soldier had lost all fear of being touched there to the point where he wanted this too, and Steve was happy to give him anything. Just like he was with Bucky.

He took his time, drawing it all out and letting him enjoy the experience. Listening to the soft cries that came out of him. Placing his hand on his stomach every time the Soldier’s hips rose against him urgently. Eager and wanton. It reminded him of their first early, fumbly experiences with each other when they were just teenagers. Still learning how to please each other.

They were well practiced now. But the Soldier was still a novice. Still learning himself. Still learning to trust completely.

And when he drew out of him with a sharp cry of pleasure, he still held him down a little as he finished. A firm but soft grip that taught him gentle restraint until they were done. And the Soldier relaxed under him, his body heaving as Steve finished up, legs still over Steve’s shoulders as lay there spent and complacent.

“You taste so good.” He said in a sultry voice as he released him and slid up a little. “My beautiful Soldier.”

Those teal blue eyes, glazed with pleasure, looked up at him, both hands wrapping around his neck, his lips parted, inviting a kiss and Steve obliged. And could feel the Soldier’s eager tongue searching his mouth and moaning softly into it.

Soon he was lifting him up into his lap, not giving him too much time to settle down, pulling those muscular thighs around him, their lips never separating. And then he was inside, pushing up into him himself, one hand buried in that beautiful brown hair, the other around his back as they made love in the still early morning light.

It was so intimate, their bodies close together, moving against each other in perfect sync. Steve could not have asked for a better morning with Soldier than this. Even though in the back of his mind he wondered where Bucky was. He would ask later, because a part of him was worried. Very worried. Especially after last night.

But right now there was only this. It was all he could feel.

And the orgasms that came were, as always, raw and powerful, wiping them both out. They clung to each other, faces pressed together, breathing hard before they collapsed back onto the bed in a heap.

They had dozed off for a bit, tangled up together naked on top of the sheets. Which was okay because the appointment wasn’t early. So there was really no hurry to rise.

Steve ran his hand over the bare back and hip of the sleeping body that lay partially on him. Trailing the fingers all the way up the mess of brown hair tickling his chest every time he breathed. Looking down and seeing that flushed face sleeping away, dark lashes covering those beautiful eyes. Swollen lips parted, warm breath skating over his chest he breathed. Looking so soft and peaceful like this.

He was so damn beautiful like that. No matter which one he was, and Steve couldn’t help staring at him.

His metal arm was draped over him and Steve ran his fingers over the scars on his back, feeling him shiver in his sleep as he did. And then down the strangely warm metal to the hand which held the ring on it. The arm was so beautiful too, and he loved the way it felt when he ran his hands over the segments in it. He loved the way it reflected the light when he moved, creating those dots of light on the wall that Array always tried to catch as Bucky would deliberately move it to tease her with it.

And of course he love the white star that now adorned the shoulder. Replacing the red one, which displayed his new life and loyalty.

Bucky and Soldier no longer belonged to Hydra. The red was the past. The white was the future. Was now.

“I guess we gotta get going soon huh?” He heard Bucky mumble against his chest.

Steve smiled at this, knowing it was him instantly. “Yeah we do jerk.” He told him, brushing his lips over his hair. “But not right away.”

“Good.” Bucky answered, turning his head with his hair hanging cutely in face. “Cause to be quite honest I’m rather comfortable like this.” He felt him nuzzled his chest sweetly. “You do make a great pillow after all.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Is that all I am to you?” He teased, letting his other hand roam down and pat his ass a little. “Just a pillow?”

“Not just a pillow.” Bucky answered, letting his own hand roam a bit. “There’s other parts of you I like to punk.” He nipped his chest playfully. “A lot of other parts too.”

Oh that metal hand felt good when he put it down there and gave him some play. It caused him to squeeze that ass in his hand a little, while gripping his hair with the other and pulling those lips to his again, growling as he did. This might’ve gone a bit longer if a thought hadn’t crossed his mind at that moment causing him to slow it down just a bit to ask a concerned question

“Are you okay?” He asked, pulling his lips away to look in his eyes, hand still in his hair. “I mean last night and all.”

Bucky’s face pinched a little as if trying to find the answer to that. “I’m not sure.” He answered, pressing his fact to Steve’s chest again. “I don’t know hat happened last night.. I honestly don’t.”

He did believe him, it didn’t look like he was trying to hide anything, he just looked confused. Which was worse than hiding it in Steve’s opinion. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m kinda worried Buck.”

“I am too.” Bucky confessed still pressed into him. “Cause I still feel kinda weird now… off you know?”

Steve nodded, nuzzling Bucky’s hair.. “Maybe we can mention it to Pam today.” He suggested. “Maybe they can check the sensors for last night and see what happened.”

“Maybe.” Bucky replied, his voice muffled against Steve. “I hate this shit.”

Steve let his other brush Bucky’s hair gently at that confession. “I know you do, but whatever it is we’ll deal with it okay?” He reassured him. “Like everything else.”

Bucky didn’t answer that, just tilted his head up and kissed him again, fully as himself now. Steve could feel the nuanced differences between him and the Soldier and while sometimes it was strange to him, he loved it at the same time. They were both him, just different parts. Those lips always felt the same though and he’d never wanted or truly desired to kiss any other pair of lips.

“So what did you two you do while I was gone?” Bucky inquired to him, pulling his lips away, wanting to change the subject for now. “Cause if feels like ya’ll had some fun…”

He debated on how much he wanted to tell him but realized they shared a mind and Bucky probably already had an inkling anyways. It was his body after all too. Could feel all the after-effects. So he nuzzled his neck and nipped him a little before answering him.

“Let’s just say the Soldier learned something new today.” Steve told him, smiling against his neck. “Something you’re very familiar with already.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow and then grinned in a way that wasn’t just sexy as hell but cute. “Let me guess Rogers k.. you showed him what else you can do with mouth besides yappin’?”

Steve chuckled and bit down on his neck a little harder. “Maybe jerk.” He replied. “Maybe.”

“Well I’m kinda jealous now punk.” Bucky said with that grin turning saucy. “Because that’s one of my favorite things you do with your mouth.” The metal fingers dug into his back as his lips found Steve’s ear. “One of a few things actually.”

Steve smiled against his lips, remembering Bucky’s reaction when Steve had gone down on him for the first time. He’d said what he’d lacked in skill and technique he more made up with sheer enthusiasm. Steve had been a quick learner and had only improved at that as well. Among many other things.

“Well you’ll just have to make sure you’re present next time.” He told him, , pulling him closer again. “And you’ll get yours.”

They then kissed again, with even more gusto this time and Steve had a feeling they weren’t done this morning and that was fine with him. They never seemed to get tired of each other it seemed.

“How much time we got?” Bucky asked against his lips, leg wrapping around Steve’s.

“Hmm..” He murmured at first, glancing with one eye over Bucky’s shoulder at the clock. “Almost 2 hours I’d say..”

“Good.” Bucky answered, grinning against his lips. “Cause now it is my turn punk.”

“Oh is it now?” Steve asked, raising his eyebrow again as he gripped Bucky tight around his back. “You sure want to double up this morning Sergeant?” He nipped his neck, another mark to well-marked terrain. “You got a busy day after all.”

“Yeah I sure am.” Bucky answered, grabbing Steve’s rather hard with his metal hand. “It’s only doubles for you not me remember?” He grinned in that saucy way Steve loved. “You should be asking if you can handle the double dip Captain.”

Steve smiled and bit down again on his neck. “If that’s a challenge…”He growled against his skin. “I accept..”

And then plowed into that body for the second time that morning, two totally different experiences but not less intense for him the second time around. And Bucky was, per usual, loud and proud, making sure the world knew he was getting doubles this morning. He had said once that when they were young they’d had to be quiet and hide these things, but they didn’t now. And that was an amazing thing for them both.

They made all the noise they wanted now and could care less who heard.

And when he was done with him in this go round, he had more than enough time to take care of him too, soothing the sore spots with his hands and lips. Making sure both Bucky and the Soldier were calm and relaxed for late in the morning. Because they would need to be.

And he let him nap a little longer afterward as well, letting him curl up with Arya while he himself got his own breakfast and got cleaned up as well. Watching him sleep as he came back after shower. Sitting on the side of the bed and brushing his hair back, seeing those sensors and wondering just what they were going to reveal this time. It could be anything, but would likely shed some more light on the complicated mind of this man that he loved so damn much.

Steve knew he had to wake him up soon, but right now he just liked watching him sleep as peacefully as he was right now. He deserved it.

\--

“Come on Buck.” Steve’s voice said from seemingly far away. “It’s time to get up.”

Bucky turned his face into the pillow in protest. He was very comfortable just like this. His body completely relaxed. Hell he wasn’t sure he could move even if he wanted to. After this morning’s loving he was just perfectly to stay right here under the covers, his body still feel the lovely effects.

And his mind was still a bit weird as well, that strange fatigue still affecting him as well.

“I don’t wannna..” He mumbled against the pillow, still protesting. “Can’t move.”

“Yes you can jerk.” Steve told him, pulling the covers back a little to expose him to more to the light. “Stop being dramatic.”

Bucky opened one eye to look at Steve. “I’m not being dramatic at all.” He informed him, pushing his hair out of his face. “You fuckin’ broke me this morning punk..”

Steve smiled at that. “Didn’t hear you complaining.”

“That’s cause I wasn’t..” Bucky retorted, lifting his head, which felt which felt very heavy. “Doesn’t change the fact that I’m broken now and probably won’t make it to the bathroom.”

Steve shook his head and got an arm under him, pulling him to a sitting position on the bed. Bucky eyed Steve as his very messy hair was brushed out of his face lovingly. Bastard was already dressed how typical. It never ceased to amaze Bucky how quick Steve’s turnaround was post-coital compared to his. He always had boundless energy, even as a little sickly thing and sometimes that was annoying.

“I’ll give you a ride to the shower if you want jerk.” He told Bucky as he continued smoothing his hair out. “I do owe you at least that I suppose.”

He’d already gotten quite a ride he thought to himself amused, and the Soldier both. He leaned his head against Steve and smiled, allowing his other arm to wrap around his waist to pull him into his arms. He had to admit that, even though he was worn out, he did feel pretty fucking good for the most part. Everything felt loose like he was on some kind of a drug. A muscle relaxer that loosened literally everything. He had no tension left at all anywhere. There was no was drug on earth that made him feel this good physically if he was honest.

There was no cure for this particular addiction either, not that he’d want it anyways.

“Will my transport be getting into the shower with me?” Bucky asked curiously, turning his face a little more against Steve’s. “Cause I’m not sure I can stand up on my own either.”

“Of course.” Steve answered, getting a loose handful of Bucky’s hair as he did. “But only for support jerk.” He brushed his lips over Bucky’s sweetly. “Anything else and we will be really, really late.” His eyes met Bucky’s hooded ones. “And this is kind of important.”

Of course it was. He wasn’t just getting the sensors off, he was going to learn exactly what was happening now when the Soldier was out. It was more than just a self-hypnosis these days he knew. And he wasn’t sure he was quite prepared for what it was either. Which was why he supposed this morning’s activities were so important. He needed to be relaxed and steady.

“I know it is punk.” He whispered to him, leaning a little closer. “I just need a little help is all.”

Steve’s eyes indicated he understood the double meaning in that. The physical and emotional support that was required and that Steve had excelled at over the years. He didn’t even have to answer, just pulled his lips to his in a sweet kiss, his fingers combing through Bucky’s messy hair. This particular type of kiss was more comforting than anything and it caused Bucky to climb into his arms so when the time came he could be carried.

“Whatever you need.” Steve said after a while. “I’ll be here okay?”

Bucky pulled his lips away and buried his face in one of those broad strong shoulders and allowed himself to be lifted out of the bed. The minute his ass cleared the bed he wrapped his legs around Steve in that automatic way, as always loving how strong he was now. Remembering how sick he’d been when they were younger and how scared he’d always been he’d lose him. But now he could feel that strong chest breathing clear breaths, and hear his heart strongly beating and he had no fear of that anxiety anymore. In fact he felt safe and protected. Even if he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

Steve was strong enough to take care of him now. They always took care of each other.

“I’m gonna ask about last night too.” Steve informed him as he brought him in the bathroom. “I’m kinda worried about that.”

Bucky nodded, trusting him when it came to looking after him. And the truth was he was a bit worried too. It felt weird and strange then and he still felt a bit off. Not just from their antics in bed either. There was a strange fuzziness in his head he didn’t like. Or this fatigue for that matter. Him falling asleep on the bike alone would’ve been enough to worry him, but adding everything else on, he knew something was off.

“Okay.” He simply said, nuzzling Steve’s neck a little more. “Do what you gotta do.”

Since he was already undressed he did require clothing removal in the bathroom, Steve just sat him on the toilet as he stripped off the shirt and shorts he had on and Bucky took the time to admire that particular view. It was nice and distracting from his troubling thoughts. Because, as always sucking in a breath as how beautiful his husband was_. That’s mine.._ he thought to himself as he bit his lip. _All mine._

“My God punk you are just ridiculous.” He said admiringly. “I feel like saluting.”

Steve just grinned at him again with that smile that just melted him every time, and just about every other person with a pulse in the world. He reached over and pulled Bucky to his still wobbly feet and pulled him close, tipping his chin brush their lips together playfully.

“You’re not too bad yourself jerk.” He was told as Steve used one arm to lift him off his feet a little. “I’m pretty lucky myself.”

And then he opened the shower door with his other hand and effortlessly swung Bucky into the stall and closed the door behind them. The water was already on and so damn warm, the steam already making him dizzy. But he had no fear of falling around Steve. Not anymore. One of those strong arms held him firmly around the waist while the other gently washed his hair.

And Bucky just watched him with what he knew was the sappiest look of love in his eyes. Feeling so safe and cared for. He looped his metal arm around Steve’s neck for support and balance and just let himself be taken care of.

Which also include being dried off after. And by that point Bucky could stand up enough to actually dress himself, that boneless fatigue finally dissipating into a sense of calm that lasted for a while. Into the car and out onto the road on what was turning out to be a gorgeous day in the city from what he could tell with the windows open.

He did spend half that ride like he had in the shower, just staring at Steve. _Our Steve_.. He heard the Soldier say in his head in that devoted tone. _We love him.._

Bucky could feel the emotion coming out of the other and saw a memory of earlier, feeling those feelings of discovery as if for the first time. He couldn’t describe this feeling if he tried, it was like the first time all over again, filling him with just a profound sense adoration akin to the way he’d felt as a teenager. That crazy, addictive, all-consuming love you felt at that age. The fact that that love had grown evolved into this deep true adult love was just so amazing to him now. Maybe it was the fact that it still held that desperate reckless, can’t get enough of each other element in it was what kept it strong even now he was sure.

And he knew he would always have that feeling. Because they’d been through everything together and they were still here. It made him, as always, a little less afraid of the potential future.

When they got in the parking garage, Steve stopped the car and was about to unlock the door when Bucky just grabbed his hand and pulled him back to him. “I really love you punk.” He said in quiet voice. “You know that?”

“Of course I do jerk.” Steve answered, turning to him. “And I love you too.”

“No you don’t get it dumbass.” Bucky replied, now lifting his hands grabbing Steve’s face. “I really, really love you.” He pressed his face to his. “Sometimes I’m just.. overwhelmed by how much.”

Steve wrapped his arms around him just like that for a moment. “Same here..”

Bucky bit his lower lip, still holding Steve’s face in his hands. “I don’t know what I’m gonna find out today but.. whatever it is..” He said and paused, trying to finish. “As long I got you.. I’m a little less terrified of it.”

Instead of answering that, Bucky got another one of those comforting kisses and was happy for that. Because he was scared, he could feel it. Every time he walked in the hospital he was, he just couldn’t help it, it was a trauma that was not easily going away and maybe never would. For him or the Soldier.

After taking a few more minutes they finally went in, and Bucky was unsurprised to find his hand in Steve’s without realizing he’d done it. They’d gotten halfway through the hospital like that before he had. It was just such an unconscious thing to do now when he was here. There might’ve been a time when he would’ve pulled it out for publics sake but not anymore. He had nothing to hide and nothing be ashamed of.

Sitting inside Pam proceeded to remove the sensors, getting the remaining that they didn’t already have from the remote loaded up as well. Bucky did wonder how much they could decipher because he was sure there were some interesting things on it. Like this morning he thought, somewhat amused.

And of course last night, but he didn’t mention that yet. Decided to wait a little bit.

“The data we got from this was quite incredible and the detail of the scans is loading now.” Pam told them as she sat down with the laptop, which had the neurologist on remotely as well. “Wilth the log you both kept of the transitions will very much help us match up the data properly.”

“How does it take to get the data?” Steve asked curiously, as usual, wanting to know everything.

“We’re about a day behind on it, to process everything so we basically have researched everything up this time yesterday.” She explained to them and added. “Any particular reason why?”

“He had an incident last night.” Steve explained, and Bucky let him, he was too busy looking at the uploads coming in. “It had nothing to do with the Soldier so I didn’t log it.”

They had been asked to mark down the times in which Bucky was his alter-ego, and he’d left this mostly up to Steve to keep track of. At least the length of time. It was a pretty precise log too, Steve was good with that, keeping several small notebooks around and consolidating them. And adding this morning to it as well before they left. Bucky was sort of interested about what they were going to find during those times. They just hadn’t logged that, which gave Steve the window to bring it up.

“Okay then you should probably tell me about what happened.” She told him. “And we’ll check out the scans when they load up for that time.”

Steve proceeded to explain what happened last night, Bucky’s odd behavior and fatigue, and Pam marked the time frame and told them she would call them if anything showed up then. And then they got into the scans for the rest of the week. And they were, stunning to say the least.

All the scans were put on the screen for him to see and it took a minute for him register the info he was being given by his neurologist over the Zoom call. But once it was explained it was, well, a bit mind-blowing for him.

“On one side of the screen are normal scans of your brain activity when you are.. you.” The neurologist explained, almost trying too hard to keep the awe out of his voice. “The other side is when you are the other one and as you can see.. it’s quite unbelievable.”

What they were seeing essentially was that when he was actively himself, certain parts of his frontal lobe were lit up. But when he was the Soldier, in the time frames, there was a whole different part of it lit up. All the other parts were the same, it was just the cognitive parts of his frontal lobe that were affected.

“What it looks like is you developed a secondary part in that area, one of which is connected to the rest of your brain.” The doctor explained. “It can access long-term memory and all other functions but operates as a separate entity onto itself. It didn’t start out that way either… It’s evolved over time. We can tell by looking at previous scans the progression.”

What this meant, after the shock of it, was that now, instead of just being a personality, the Soldier part of him was essentially separate person in his head. It was as if his brain created a back-up in some sense. A start-ovver recovery program in case, god forbid, Hydra had succeeded in wiping out his memory and personality. There was something strangely comforting and terrifying at the same time in the way the serum adapted his brain like this. He didn’t know what to think of it. Or how to take it.

“So are you saying this was some kind of defense mechanism.” Steve asked himself, just a bit stunned too.

“In a way yes.” The doctor answered, unable to hide the awe in his own voice. “In many ways like the phycological adaptation to deal with trauma, the brain, aided by the serum given to him, did the same physically and I have honestly never seen this before.”

Bucky just kept staring it, a physical manifestation of his alter ego. It was changing everything for him now. He’d been given a hint at his last scan of this, but nothing was preparing him for just the… finality of this. The idea that Hydra had a permanent physical affect on his brain as well as his body. It felt just like another rape in odd way, like what they’d done to his shoulder without his permission. It almost made him feel a little sick as a result.

“It’s permanent isn’t it?” He asked, already knowing it was. So it wasn’t really a question.

“Just like all the other effects of the serum it is a permanent change yes.”

Steve looked at him concerned. “Are you okay Buck?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered, honestly, trying to control his breathing. “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel right now.”

As close as he was to the Soldier and his acceptance of him, it still felt like another violation to know they could continue to affect him the rest of his life. Not just physically but neurologically as well. It did add to the psychological trauma that he’d thought he’d finally gotten on the other side of. Now it felt like the goal posts moved again and he just.. didn’t know how to handle it yet.

He wanted to retreat into himself but if he did it here, the Soldier would have a bad reaction to his location. But he was so overwhelmed the retreat he felt coming was almost involuntary. He could feel it and then possible tension rise in him as a result. Felt that strange sense of slipping he had last night and now he was scared.

The hospital was not a good place for the Soldier.

Pam, as well as Steve, noticed his agitation and asked. “Are you okay Bucky? Do you need something?”

“ I just.. I need to get out of here.” Bucky answered, fighting this involuntary and possible flip as hard as possible now. “I can’t be here if it happens.. and I’m not sure I can stop it.”

He was gripping Steve’s hand so tight now he knew he might be cutting circulation off circulation in the wrist but he needed to be grounded or the fight or flight part of him would engage. He begged Steve with his eyes to get him out of here now.

“Is this anything like last night?” She asked, very concerned now.

“Somewhat.” Steve answered for him, as Bucky couldn’t find the air now. He as panicking because he was.. slipping. “It’s worse actually.”

“You should take him out of here then.” Pam told Steve as she did a cursory check of Bucky’s heartrate. “His heart-rate is elevating and that’s not good.” She check his eyes too, causing him to blink a littler in fear. “Pupils are dilated too.” She looked back up Steve, really worried. “I’ll come by later when he’s in a safer environment and hopefully I’ll have the updated results too.”

“Alright I’ll get him home.” Steve told her and turned to Bucky. “We’re gonna go okay just hold on.”

Bucky looked at him gratefully, not liking the way he felt now. Not at all. He was gonna flip soon he knew it. The panicky part of his mind was overriding his rationality he had to move now. All he could think of was, if the Soldier came now when he was agitated like this, it could be bad. Really bad. So he let Steve lead him out, but he didn’t remember getting out at all. Because it wasn’t him that did.

In fact he didn’t remember a lot of things during that time. Just cold black space.

\--

Steve noticed the change when he’d gotten to the elevator. The tenseness in Bucky shifted and instead of walking alongside him, he was behind him now.

The Soldier was to be exact. And he didn’t like the amount of people around. Was most likely sensing Bucky’s agitation and reacting to it and the surroundings. Going into the elevator in fact, Steve could feel both the metal and flesh arms wrap around him from behind backpack style with the palms on the front of his shoulders. Could feel the lower part of his face pressed into his back and could almost see the suspicious look on his face, almost see his eyes darting warily at every passion person as the door closed finally. And Steve was thankful no one else had gotten in with them, because he could sense the wariness and fearful tension without having to see it.

“We don’t like it here.” The Soldier said, his voice muffled against Steve’s shirt. “Not safe.”

“It’s okay Soldier.” Steve tried to reassure, putting one hand over the Soldier’s metal one. “We’re almost out.”

When the door opened for the garage, the Soldier didn’t let go of him and Steve had to walk like that. He could feel the tense alertness in the Soldier’s body as they walked like that. Knew he was watching every shadow, every angle. Even heard a low growl when someone passed closer than 6 feet. He just wanted to get him to car and then he could deal with this.

When he finally got there, he was able to turn in his arms and lift his hands to his face. He could see the wary fear in his eyes. The set in his jaw that said he was on high alert. Letting his fingers brush his face a little he did his best to calm him with his eyes as they stood by the car door.

“We’re gonna get in the car and go home okay?” He told him. “No one is gonna get you I promise.”

He felt some relief as the Soldier’s posture relaxed slightly. “We don’t like that place.”

“I know you don’t.” He replied, pulling him a little closer. “But you’re safe now.”

The Soldier nodded, his eyes looking trusting as he relaxed further. “Safe with Steve.”

Steve smiled and cupped his face with his hand. “Yes you are.” He said softly. “Let’s get in the car okay?”

The Soldier finally let go of him and willingly climbed into the truck when Steve opened the door. Once they were inside and the door was shut he just suddenly hugged Steve in a very Bucky like way, tucking his face against his shoulder, which briefly surprised Steve but he recovered and wrapped his hand around the back of his head to comfort him.

“Didn’t want to come out but Bucky went away.” The Soldier said, his voice muffled against Steve’s shoulder. “So we had to.”

Steve nodded, nuzzling his face into his brown and finally asked. “Where is Bucky now?”

“We don’t know.” The Soldier told him, lifting his head and looking visibly upset. “We’re sorry.”

Steve gripped his face a little tighter. “What are you sorry for?”

The Soldier pressed his lips together as if a bit ashamed of this. “We got scared.”

“That’s nothing to be sorry about.” Steve reassured him. “Everyone gets scared.”

The Soldier looked down, still looking shameful. “We are not supposed to get scared.” He said his eyes flicking a way as if remembering something. “People were supposed to be scared of us..”

Steve shook his head at that and kissed his head tenderly. “Well I’m not scared of you.”

The Soldier looked back up at and smiled, a Bucky smile if there ever was one, and it made Steve reflect on his answer to where Bucky was right now. _We don’t know.._ Instead of telling him he’s resting or in his safe place or any of the usual answers, he’d said that. And it was most likely true, which was a bit alarming to Steve. He was wondering what exactly had happened in the conference room. Was it a flip or something else, because the Soldier seemed to be surprised to be out, otherwise he might’ve been calmer. Something was up and thought maybe Pam knew it too, it was why she was adamant about him taking him home. She might have needed more data for the answer though.

He turned his attention back to the Soldier and smiled, as if hiding these thoughts. “We’re gonna go home okay?” He told him, smoothing out his hair as he did. “And we’re gonna try to find Bucky.”

“He just… disappeared..” The Soldier said thoughtfully, turning his eyes again as if looking for something in his head. “We can’t see him or.. hear him.”

“I know.” Steve told him and motioned the Soldier back to the seat “We’re gonna figure it out.”

“At home.” The Soldier answered. “Our home.”

Steve smiled again and picked up his metal hand to squeeze it. “That’s right Soldier.” He confirmed. “Our home.”

He saw the Soldier look over at him, and without even asking, putt his seatbelt on. Steve smiled at this, forgetting he had access to Bucky’s memories and was constantly around observing so of course he knew these kind of things. But sometimes he couldn’t help thinking of him as a babe in the woods even though he was certainly not innocent in many ways. It was just that look in his eyes he supposed.

“Steve?” The Soldier asked suddenly. “We’re cold.” His hair was blowing in the very warm breeze from the open window. “It’s warm but we we’re cold inside.”

Suddenly he remembered something Bucky had told him once. About the void.. He called it the black. _It’s dark and cold.. deep cold you feel it in your bones…even when its warm you’re cold…_

The Soldier was cold, but it was very warm out.

“We know where Bucky is.” The Soldier said. “He’s in the black.”

He’d just confirmed it. And he would know. “The black?” He asked, even though he didn’t have to.

The Soldier wrapped his arms around himself and looked at Steve with haunted dyes. “It’s cold there.”

Steve just nodded and pressed the pedal down to get them home quicker. He had to get him warm and figure this out.

\--

I had been weird for the Soldier, not feeling or hearing Bucky at all. It was like he’d just vanished out of his head. But he’d started noticing the cold when he was in the car. Even though the air was warm he was cold. It was coming from the inside.

He still couldn’t hear or see him but the cold feeling, that was Bucky he was sure of it now that he saw Steve’s reaction to it. And the Soldier knew where the cold came from too because he’d felt it before

It was the other end of the hallway where he used to live. He’d never gone in but he’d been near it.

Bucky was inside it now.

He wanted to find him too, but he couldn’t do it in the car. He had to be home where it was safe. Because to be honest he didn’t like all the people around outside. He wasn’t so much scared of them as he was of himself he knew. If they got too close to him or Steve. Especially Steve. He felt dangerous in that case. It was why he didn’t want to let him go in the hospital. He had freaked out because of being in that strange scary place all of a sudden that he didn’t like and was scared of something happening to Steve. It had been confusing but now he felt clearer.

But he was still cold, and Steve could see that. Seemed eager to get him home where he could warm him up. Especially after what he’d just said too.

Home. Their home. The Soldier had never really had a home before. Unless you count the cold place.

He’d heard that home was a warm, safe place where you were loved and protected. Not where you were hurt and used. Home was with Steve wherever that happened to be.

But in this case it really was their house and Steve brough him inside and immediately parked him on the couch, wrapping a blanket around him. For which the Soldier was grateful for because he was freezing now. He hadn’t been this cold since he’d lived in that other cold place. Steve sat in front of him and rubbed his arm to warm him up, watching with concern and a question on his lip. But he didn’t ask it and the Soldier confused as to why.

“You are worried about Bucky?” He asked, reaching up from under the blanket to put his hand on Steve’s face.

“Yes I am.” Steve answered, as he continued to rub his arm like that. “I’m worried about both of you.”

“We said we knew where he was.” The Soldier reminded him. “We will find him.” He moved his metal fingers over Steve’s face in a comforting way. “Bring him back to our Steve.”

He wanted to make him feel better, anything to take that look off his face. That worried, sad look. Even though the Soldier himself was scared of the place Bucky was in. There were bad things in the dark there, things you couldn’t see but would whisper to you and bite you as they tried to pull you further in. He’d heard those things sometimes when he was in the cold himself. It had always been a relief to be out of it, even though the hurt words were painful, and the blue light too, they were better than that place. And he knew for some reason, Bucky was in there again. Because he couldn’t hear him.

But maybe he could if he went in too.

“How are you going to do that?” Steve asked, sounding a bit desperate now. “How are you going to find him?”

“We have to go in too.” The Soldier answered simply, feeling a shiver go through him. “Pull him out like he did with us.”

Steve looked really worried then, really scared. “But then we could lose you too.” He told him, his hands gripping the Soldier’s arms. “I can’t chance it happening to both of you. I won’t risk that.” He pulled him closer holding him tight. “Not as long as there’s a part of you still out here you here me?”

“We will always come back to Steve.” The Soldier said, pressing his face against his. “So will Bucky because Steve is home.” He lifted his other hand from below the blanket and held his face with it. “We promise.”

He then just put his arms around Steve’s neck and hugged him, sensing he needed that right now. He liked hugs too. That was something he sure as hell never got before. There if someone put their arms around you they were about to hurt you in a big way. But hugs were different. They felt different, soft. And warm. When Steve put his arms around him it usually meant good things and it always felt good. And when you were hurting, it made you feel better.

And he felt warmer with Steve as well as the blanket wrapped around him. Even as he mind drifted closer to the cold dark. Trying to carry that warmth and light closer to Bucky so maybe he could fee it too. Letting his mind search it a little, which caused him to shake a little more with the cold around him, but he could still feel Steve’s arms tight around him and their beautiful warmth.

“You feel so cold.” Steve told him, the fear present in his voice. “You’re freezing.”

And for the first time it well over an hour, thought he could feel Bucky again. Could hear him, faintly but he could. Sort of like the way he’d first heard him after he saw Steve that first time. As if he was fighting his way back in again.

_Steve?_ He heard the voice say faintly. It caused him to hug him tighter.

“He’s here.” The Soldier said in Steve’s neck, his teeth chattering a little. “He feels you.”

“Bucky?” Steve whispered in his ear then. “I’m here.”

The Soldier could actually feel him getting stronger and closer inside and the cold started to wan just a little. He was coming out of it. Moving toward the warmth again and the Soldier was glad because without Bucky he was lost. They’d always been together, from the beginning, had taken care of each other and needed each other.

“We think.. he’s here..” The Soldier said, gripping Steve’s face again. “Almost.”

And he knew what to do to get him all the way there. He kissed Steve, softly at first and the warmth went all the way through him. Throughout his whole body, causing the shivering to stop, and the sensation was beautiful. And for a second, he was both at once. This was connecting point between them, their love for Steve was their common denominator more than anything else.

And when Bucky came back, he was warm again, from the bone-chilling cold and barely remembered darkness he had just… fell into without warning. He was back in Steve’s arms and warm again, the memory fading quickly, except for the residue fear and shivers.

“Steve?” He asked, his lips pulling away from his. “What? What happened?” His eyes darted around the living room, even more confused now. “We were at the hospital and…”

He remembered getting the news from Pam and then it was… just the black and cold. Wherever he went he couldn’t remember it at all and usually when he flipped into the Soldier, he remembered some of it. At least lately. It was a little too much like before and it was frightening and he just sort clung to Steve like an anchor, not wanting it to happen again. When he searched the other part, saw the Soldier was just as confused by all of it too.

“I don’t know Buck..” Steve told him, lifting his hands to put them on his face. “You started babbling and then you were just gone and it was him..” He pulled Bucky’s face to his, pressing them together. “It was a big m mess.”

He could see Steve was just scared shitless by this, and Bucky had certainly scared him before he knew. This was something different. He had a vague memory of feeling the sensation of flipping but not triggering it himself and he didn’t get it. Didn’t know what his mind was doing to him now. After all that other shit, what kind of tick was it pulling now. It felt like Hydra’s last little wheedle to him. Like one last trigger that hadn’t been removed acting up now.

“I don’t know what happened Steve.” He said, not even bothering to hide how scared he was of this new thing. “I’m scared.”

He just sort fell against Steve again at that point, wanting to be wrapped up, part of his mind remembering that cold space he was in. Terrified of going back there again. And maybe not getting out next time.

He felt Steve’s arms around right now though and just closed his eyes, letting him comfort him and keep him warm for now as he sorted it all out in head.

\--

Steve did his best to make sure he was comfortable on the couch, wrapping him up in a blanket and getting him some tea. He even opened the window and shut the air-conditioning off for a bit because he couldn’t seem to get fully warm yet. It was concerning.

Pam was coming by soon, and Bucky had only given token resistance to this, especially after he’d explained that she’d planned on doing it anyways. Bucky didn’t seem to remember this either, which was concerning as well to them both. The last thing he’d remembered actually, he told Steve, was a feeling of sliding away from reality, which did seem to correspond to when he became agitated at the hospital. It made Steve wonder if it was something more than just an anxiety attack.

“It was like I was there and then…I was slowly sliding away.” Bucky explained as he lay curled up on the couch with Arya next to him, purring away as if to comfort him. “It felt almost like it did when they’d… say the words..”

Steve saw a shiver go through him and adjusted the blanket before handing him the calming tea. “You don’t have to talk about it right now okay?” He told him, his voice soft as he gently brushed his hair. “Just drink some of this and relax and we’ll figure it out when Pam gets here alright?”

Bucky reached out with his metal hand and took the hot cup and drank some more of it. It was something Wanda gotten for him and it had worked wonders when he was having anxiety. She herself wasn’t back yet from a lengthy mission in Prague, but Steve had left her a message for when she was. Wanda was one of the other people that had a good effect on Bucky because she understood him. And she could get in his head, and boy he needed that right now.

But for now, he just had to keep him warm and relaxed and keep an eye on him.

“This fucking sucks.” Bucky stated as he put the tea down. “It really does.”

Steve gave a smile at that. “What the tea?” He asked, partially joking. “I can’t be good at everything you know?”

He saw a ghost of smile on Bucky’s face at that. “No I mean I just… thought I was better that’s all.”

“Amelia said you had to be patient with yourself Buck.” Steve reminded him. “These things are gonna happen.”

Bucky put his metal hand on his head and seemed to press it there for a moment. “I know punk.” He replied, his eyes closed. “My patience is just wearing a bit thin that’s all.”

Steve just put his hand on his face and kissed him softly as he lay there, feeling that metal hand just sort wrap around his arm and up his back as he did. He just held his lips to him to like earlier. The action that seemed to pull Bucky back out again. Like something out of a fairytale. When their lips parted Bucky kept his face close, as if not wanting to separate just yet.

“What if it happens again?” Bucky asked after a few minutes of this, his voice shaky. “If whatever this is happens and I can’t get back?” He seemed to look fearful too at this possibility. “If I just stay the Soldier forever?”

Steve knew by the look on his face that it wasn’t being the Soldier he was afraid of. It as of being trapped in the cold, darkness forever. He could see the terror in his eyes at that as he shivered again in his arms.

“It’s not going to happen Buck.” He told him. “It’s not.”

“Would that be so bad though?” Bucky asked, looking up into his eyes again. “If I was him all the time? He actually laughed a little, although it sounded forced, trying to hide his fear. “I mean think of the things you teach him without me in the way with all my damn drama.”

Steve put both his hands on his face and looked in his eyes, unable to comprehend this from him. It wasn’t just self-depreciating humor it was almost like he was ready to give it all up. He had no idea where this was coming from after all the progress he’d made. Everything he’d accomplished he was willing to just.. go away. There was no way he’d let him even think that never mind actually do it.

“You listen to me jerk.” He told him, looking hard into those teal blues. “After everything I’ve gone through just get you back you not gonna give up on me like that you got it?” He held his face firmer in his hands. “I love you… YOU.. and want both parts of you and if you think I’d ever let you go then you don’t know me at all.”

He may have loved the Soldier part of him for all his wide-eyed innocence but it was Bucky’s solidness his ability not only to lift him up, but to put him in place when he needed it, that helped shape who he was. That sharp sarcasm that he’d rebuilt along with his confidence. He had been the one that had seen him for who he really was. Who loved him when no else would even look at him. And had been the courage to change their relationship in spite of the potential cost to himself. Both halves of Bucky were important, not just one. He wondered if he truly understood that, especially in these moments of doubt like this.

“Relax punk.” Bucky said with as soft smile, leaning his head back against Steve’s. “I was just speculating that’s all.”

“Well don’t.” He said to him, letting his hand get a soft fistful of his hair. “Cause I’m never letting you go again jerk I mean it.” He smiled and turned his head so their lips were touching. “Even if I have to reach into your damn head and pull you out myself.. You’re not getting away again.”

Bucky seemed brush his lips over Steve’s at that statement. “You know I do like when you get all possessive of me Stevie..” He breathed to him, his eyes slightly open to look at Steve’s. “It’s so adorable.”

Steve simply couldn’t resist not only that look, but when he called him that. It remined him of when they were kids and he would tease Steve until he got tacklde by all 95 pounds of him. The memory of that and all the fun they had then caused him to just growl softly in his throat and grip his hair a little tighter before kissing him fiercely, for moment forgetting how worried he’d been earlier in his need to just possess those lips again.

“That’s cause you’re mine sweetheart.” He growled against his lips. “All mine.”

Bucky sort of keened at that and they went back to kissing, even harder now, tongues practically in each other’s throats as they did. Bucky’s hands gripped his shirt and Steve was gripping Bucky’s hair tight as well, using his other to brace himself on the couch. This might’ve gone further had they not been expecting company, so sanity did have to prevail, but not before they were both breathless, with an annoyed cat almost right between them.

“Well..” Bucky gasped, his eyes half-lidded as his head fell back on the pillow. “I feel a lot warmer now that’s for sure.”

Steve nuzzled his nose against his sweetly. “Glad I could help.”

“You always do punk.” Bucky told him, keeping his face close to Steve’s. “You always remind me every time.”

“What do I remind you of?” Steve asked curiously, still bracing himself on the couch.

Bucky just smiled. “That I’m still here.” He answered, his metal hand wrapping around Steve’s arm. “That I’m still alive.”

He was so grateful for that himself. That he was here in his arms after going so long without him. Even in times like this, or worse times they’d been through, it was better tan being without each other. Loss put everything in perspective in his mind.

So he just lifted him to him and kissed his head, holding him there for a long time. Feeling the warmth of his skin against his lips and thanked whoever was up there for bringing him back. And doing a silent prayer that he’d never be taken away again. He couldn’t remember how many times he’d done that, and this felt no less urgent.

“Whatever this is Buck.” Steve whispered against his head. “Just promise you’ll keep fighting okay?”

Bucky just buried his head under his chin, wrapping his arms around Steve. “I promise punk.”

That was enough for him right now, and he just wrapped him up tight as they waited for Pam to come by so they could figure this new challenge out. He would just do his best to keep him warm and safe for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again I apologize for the lateness of this chapter, vacation and and other distractions got in the way but I finally did it, and gave you a nice long one, with a great smattering of everything because I owed you one didn't I? 
> 
> Anyways lets get into a little bit here shall we? 
> 
> Bucky's little thoughtful job around Brooklyn was me showing what I do on my walks, and that's contemplate. Alone time is good for anyone really, and exercise helps clear the mind in a good way. The sort of subconcious stopping by the graveyard was   
some unresolved feeling obviously and it will have to be dealt with before the end of the fic, but Bucky had bigger fish to fry obviously doesn't he? 
> 
> I did like the idea of giving them a 'date night' however, dinner and a movie with all their canoodling and such, with a shadow falling over it toward the end, which i will get into in a moment. 
> 
> But lets talk about the Soldier shall we? That was fun. I like how he just decided to not only allow Steve to touch him in that place but wanted even more. Especially once he realized that didn't hurt with Steve. For the Soldier, like Bucky, once that dam breaks open everything just flows in and now there's nothing he hasn't really done in that sense. He has total trust, just like Bucky does and to me when that comes its a beautiful thing and I just loved writing it, not just for the smut, but for the real emotion and total trust that came out in that situation. The Soldier is healing much more rapidly now and that's a great thing. 
> 
> Bucky's health now, this will an interesting, the last major one too. What's causing these strange 'sliding' episodes in him. Is a trigger that hadn't been removed. Is it because of the book maybe we will find out more soon on it, but it is worrisome that Bucky lost control of that. Thankfully he was with Steve in that moment with the Soldier or things could've gotten bad quickly. So he can't be alone until he figures it out can he?
> 
> One of the things I liked in this chapter was how willing Steve really is to take care of all of Bucky and the Soldier's needs in a very selfless way (and vice-versa with Bucky we've seen) I like to highlight those parts of the relationship because knowing when you're partner needs care when they don't is so very important and Steve seems to understand on an intuitive level when this is. 
> 
> As much as the smut and angst are great from a writer's standpoint I love the smattering of the fluff in this chapter. When they are cutesy publicly and how willing they are to be that way now. They have definitely earned that haven't they? 
> 
> Alright the next chapter will not take as long I promise. It will try to unravel what's going on with Bucky and the Soldier and will also bring back some of their friends, who've been absent for a bit. Wanda of course is very important in being able to get in Bucky's head better than a scan and she will be important again. So beyond that I can't say anything else of course. 
> 
> thank you all for the lovely reviews, and I did have fun in Disney World thank you very much (and I got a test and was negative so yaaaay) and I thank you all for your patience and <3<3<3 and *hugs* to you all I'm back :D


	33. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my tumblr per usual

He still felt cold, but not as cold as before and to him that was a small consolation. Because he still felt off, light-headed and even a little confused. Like his thoughts were all messed up. Not that he wasn’t familiar with that sensation mind you, but he hadn’t felt that way for a long time, until the last 24 hours that was.

Pam was due any time now, and Bucky was grateful for that, hoping she had some information that could help him. Because otherwise he was at a loss as to why this was happening again.

“You feel alright?” Steve asked him after getting him something hot to eat. “Are you still cold?”

Bucky took the bowl of mac and cheese from him gratefully. He was still hungry at least. “Not as much as I was.”

Steve took his hand at that point and sort of rubbed with his own. “Your fingers are still freezing.” He observed and put them to his lips. “Kinda worries me.”

“Yeah me too.” Bucky answered, watching him do this as held his bowl in his metal hand. “Good thing I only got one hand to worry about huh?”

It was meant to be a bit of a joke, but Steve did make an attempt to smile at it as he kissed each finger. And they did feel warmer when he did that. It as such a sweet gesture. Along with the way he was rubbing up that arm to up to his shoulder as well. Trying to bring the warmth back in again to his extremities. Bucky’s feet were covered not only by the blanket, but by a warm, purring cat, who seemed to sense exactly where she needed to be right now to keep her Daddy warm.

The thing that was disturbing to Bucky was how warm it was, it was after all, late July. They’d had the air-conditioning running but Steve had turned it off and opened the window, letting the warm night air in. But Bucky still felt a little cold anyways like it was the dead of winter. And this cold was coming from within. Like when he thought about or relived his time Siberia. And in cryo-freeze. That’s what it felt like.

“You should eat.” Steve reminded him, cutting off his thoughts. “It’ll keep you warm.”

Pam had told them that foods high in dairy were good when he got cold like this, make the stomach work a little harder and generated warmth in the body. Ice cream was, surprisingly on that list because of its high dairy content. It actually warmed you up. And while Bucky’s health issues didn’t require specific diets, his high metabolism tended to require foods high in protein and dairy fat. So mac and cheeses was actually a good thing to eat right now.

And he was hungry. That was good. So he wolfed it down per usual. “Good thing you’re a good cook Rogers.” He told him as he ate. “I’d starve otherwise.”

“It’s just mac and cheese Buck.” Steve answered as he was sitting behind him rubbing his arm. “Nothing special about that.”

“It’s special cause you made it punk.” Bucky countered, laying comfortably against his chest. “And you always pack it with cheese.”

Steve nuzzled back of his head at that. “Well anything for my boo bear.”

The food did seem to warm him up a little more which was good, but he still stayed under the blanket. Was afraid if he got up and out of it, he’d get cold again. Because he could still feel it on the edges of his mind right now. Lurking.

Steve’s phone went off not long after, a message from Pam saying she was here, he had to get up to let her in. Bucky snuggled under the blanket again, until Steve returned.

She had brought with her what looked like a portable EKG that Steve helped her with. She was by herself because Sam wasn’t back yet from his latest mission. She set up and the first things she did was take his temperature, frowning a little as she did.

“You’re lower than normal.” She told him as she looked at it. “Usually you and Steve both run higher due to your fast metabolisms, usually in the upper 98 region.” She took out her stethoscope to check his heartrate then. “You’re in the low 97’s which is normal for other but low for you. Do you feel warmer than earlier?”

“A little.” Bucky answered, allowing her to do all these tests, including checking his pupils. “Felt a bit colder earlier.”

“He was shivering.” Steve proclaimed, knowing Bucky was underselling it per usual. “I had to open the windows.”

“Alright well I’m going to take some blood and do a rapid test to see if there is an infection.” She told them both, getting what she needed out of the bag. “I want to eliminate that at least.”

Bucky gave his arm to do this, hating it but knowing it was necessary. He felt fine other than being fatigued and cold. Still felt slightly off though, squinting a little because all the colors felt too bright. It felt, if he was being totally honest, the way he’d felt when being pulled out of the ice every time. Not that he remembered that clearly, but it was more of a familiar feeling. Being cold was a feeling he was very familiar with.

But it wasn’t just confusing images of being dragged out of the ice, there was another confusing one as well. Of the woods, in the snow. Which was funny because he hadn’t been out in the woods like that since, well, he was a kid.

_It’s so cold.._

_We have to be prepared or they’ll get us.._

It was very confusing, and he tried to shake it off as he felt the pinch of the needle in his arm. Which Pam noticed. “Did that hurt?”

Bucky shook his head. “No… I just got a shiver.” He told her, faking his best smile.

“Well as far as his scans from yesterday with there was the usual activity we’ve come to associate with the other personality.” Pam explained as she put the sample into the scanner. “Only more subtle and it didn’t look voluntary. Like that part of his brain was slowing down, was strange.” She looked back at Bucky. “Was that what it felt like?”

He scrunched his face a little, trying to remember both yesterday and today, but his mind kept stupidly going to the woods. Those annoyingly familiar woods. But he tried just the same. “Kinda.” He answered finally. “It felt I was.. slipping.”

It was like that moment when you slipped and for a moment were suspended in the air. That dizzy feeling before you knew, ever so briefly, you were going to hit the ground. He couldn’t describe it properly.

“Slipping?”

“Let when you fall on ice… kinda when you’re in the air before you hit.” He tried to explain. “Like that.”

“And you’re sure you didn’t trigger it yourself?”

“I don’t feel that way I do it on my own.” Bucky told her, because it was it true. “When I do it, it’s like stepping into the background.” And then he also added. “And I don’t feel cold.”

“The only reason I ask is because I can’t find anything physically wrong.” Pam said, with an unreadable look. “It’s possible that this is possibly psychosomatic, you know what that means right?”

Bucky nodded, well-versed in that area unfortunately. But the idea bothered him in a different way because it sounded very possible. Especially the way his mind worked sometimes. Like when he had flashbacks and felt everything that had happened and had been done to him like it was happening right then and there. Those damn things were a full-sensory experience.

“My mind fucking with me is nothing new.” He said as he looked down at his hands, fighting the urge to scratch again. “Déjà vu all over again.”

“Well even if that is the case, I’m worried about the physical effects that can cause.” Pam said sympathetically. “Because those are real and could be dangerous, just like the effects the effects your anxiety attacks have on your body.” She put some stuff away turned back to him. “So I want you to take care of yourself and monitor these symptoms in case they get worse.” She then took his hand and squeezed it. “And call Amelia and see if she can help you sort this out. I’m willing work directly with her if necessary.”

He knew why she was squeezing his hand too, because she knew he was fighting scratching it. As his doctor she very much understood his behavior and he appreciated her more than he could say. “Thanks.” He just said instead. “For helping me like this.”

“You’re my patient.” She just told him, smiling softly at him. “It’s my job to look after you.”

Bucky gave her a appreciative smile. “Well tell Wilson he’s a lucky guy.”

She smiled back at that. “Oh I remind him every day.” She replied and then pulled something out of her bag. “Can I have that I gave you, I’m going to re-program it for temperature reading So if your body drops below a certain temperature it will alert me and you.”

He handed her the watch she’d given him a while back to monitor his heartrate and other various health issues and it could re-programmed to read any number of things. Stark tech of course. It looked like a normal watch that he wore along with his bracelets on that wrist and he actually rather liked it.

“So it’ll will alert us if he gets too cold?” Steve asked, finally popping up. “How cold?”

“Anything below 95.” She told them. “Hypothermia can set in and that’s what I’m worried about most. The cause may be psychosomatic but the effect could be deadly so we need to keep an eye on that.”

“I will.” Steve told her. “Don’t worry.”

“Ever the boy scout.” Bucky added with a chuckle. “Don’t worry I’m always in good hands.”

He watched as Pam pulled Steve aside for a few minutes and was distracted momentarily by Arya jumping his lap and rubbing against him. He cuddled her to him and rested his chin on her head, grateful for his little princess. And her warmth, because he still felt a little cold, pulling the blanket around them both as he sat there, turning things over in his head. Trying to understand what his mind was doing, and why he kept thinking of those trips in the woods with dad when he was a kid. Some of his childhood memories were still confused, foggy and fragmented from all the wiping and head trauma, and just from the general passage of time. But there was some reason this memory was peeking through now he knew. He wanted to figure it out, even though it scared him too.

Because every time he opened a door something painful came out and he was just.. tired.

By the time Steve had gotten done with Pam and she’d said goodbye he was wrapped up under the blanket, feeling weird and cold again. Feeling that fatigue settle in.

“You okay?” Steve asked, crouching down and brushing his hair back gently.

“No.” He answered honestly. “I’m tired.”

“I know you are.” Steve told him, pressing his lips to his head. Understanding completely the double meaning. “I know.”

Holding Arya with his metal arm he sat up and looped the other one around Steve’s neck and buried his face in his shoulder. Just wanting warmth and comfort, and as always he got it from his punk. Whose body was warm as well.

“I don’t what’s wrong with me.” He said into his shoulder, squeezing his eyes shut. “I hate feeling like this. It pisses me off.”

“I know you’re frustrated.” Steve told him reassuringly. “But you need to relax okay?”

“What makes you think I’m not relaxed punk?” He asked, lifting his chin on his shoulder.

“I just know you.” Steve answered, stroking his hair. “That’s all.”

He could feel him rubbing his back in a soothing and realized he was carrying tension because he felt tight all over. Body constricting for warmth. It’s probably what Steve felt he was sure, but he was right in the sense that he just knew that well. Knew by his body language and his attempts to deflect that he was worried. Maybe even freaking out inside. Unsettled.

“You sure do.” He confirmed burying his face back in shoulder, just wanting comfortr. “Thank God for that.”

\--

Pam had told him to keep an eye on him for any other signs of illness, not just the chills and fatigue and Steve was certainly going to do that. She also told him ways to keep him warm as well for now until they figured this out. Something else Steve was more than happy to do.

He just didn’t like the way Bucky looked right now.

He was pale, had a confused and tired look in his eyes. Looked vulnerable under that blanket like that and Steve had not seen him look like this in a while. Not since being in ICU if he was being honest. There was something wrong with him, and the worst part was that it was deep in his mind and not an external source. Steve could deal with physical threats, and they could treat a physical illness, but Bucky’s mind was harder to crack. It did some amazing for him but some terrible things as well and they just simply weren’t sure which one this was or which way it was going to go next.

So after getting him some more tea and warm food, he sat behind him again, allowing Bucky to use his chest as a pillow again, Resting his chin on his head he continually rubbed his flesh arm in an effort to keep him as warm as possible and relax some of the tension he felt.

“Sometimes I wish I knew what was going on in that pretty head of yours.” He said after a while, his other arm wrapped around him under the blanket now. “Be easier to help you sometimes.”

“Cut yourself a little slack punk.” Bucky told him as he ate some oatmeal. “You know me better than anyone.” He turned his head and smiled a little. “You don’t need that superpower to help me.”

At that moment Steve thought of Wanda, who, along with Amelia, might be able to help Bucky crack this. She had texted earlier saying she was on her way and would come over if need be when she did. Not that you could tell from a text, but he was sure was worried, as she always was when it came to Bucky, who she loved like a brother. Steve half expected to hear a knock at the door at any minute, and knew he’s most likely have to get the guest room ready if that was the case.

“I might not have it, but we know someone who does don’t we?” He reminded Bucky, nuzzling his face into his hair. “And I’ll bet she’ll be on her way here as soon as she lands.”

He could see Bucky smile a bit at that and nod to his phone on the coffee table.. “Yeah I got a text about that too.” He was informed. “While you were in the kitchen.”

“Do you feel any warmer?” He asked, needing to know, because to him Bucky still felt cold. “As opposed to earlier I mean?”

“A Little.” Bucky answered and then Steve felt a bit of shiver go through him. “But it comes and goes.”

He put his bowl down on the coffee table and then turned in Steve’s arms a bit, seeming to want to just cuddle right now. Steve could feel him pull his feet up even more and tuck them between his feet. Which only slightly disturbed the cat, who simply got up and turned around and laid back down again in cat-like fashion. Steve just pulled the blanket up more around him, feeling himself sweat with the heat of the coming night, but it didn’t matter, all that matter was that Bucky was warm.

“It’s weird but.. all of sudden I’m thinking about when I was a kid.” Bucky offered suddenly as he laid his head against Steve’s chest. “When my Dad used to take me out shooting in the woods.. you know one of those ‘male-bonding’ things.” He wrapped his metal arm around Steve and seemed to slide himself between Steve and the back of the couch like he liked to do sometimes . “I don’t know why I’m thinking of that now…and it’s not like it’s clear either.. a lot of those old memories are still all…fucked up.”

Steve had remembered that Bucky had gone hunting with his father outside the city sometimes. And that he’d wished he could go too and was upset when he couldn’t. Not that Bucky didn’t want to take him it was just that it was usually in the winter and his health issues made that impossible. It was odd to him now that Bucky would recall this all of a sudden while not feeling well and once again wished he could see inside his head to figure out how that connected. Of if it was just a random memory falling back in when Bucky was feeling off. That happened sometimes too. But it felt connected.

“Well you always went in the winter.” He offered, unsure if he was making the proper connection. “And it was cold then so maybe it just reminded you.”

“Maybe.” Bucky seemed to contemplate, nuzzling his face into Steve’s chest. “I don’t know it’s ust.. weird you know cause.. I don’t think about that my dad that much.”

Steve knew that wasn’t exactly true, his father was the reason why Bucky had been concerned about his drinking. He had talked about him recently regarding that, about the clear PTSD the elder Barnes had suffered from. And that there had been.. incidents. Steve knew his parents were on his mind more than he wanted to admit and it concerned him that he didn’t seem to want to address it too much.

“It’s okay to miss them you know?” He told him, holding him a little closer. “I miss my mom all the time.”

Bucky’s response to this was tuck himself more between Steve and the back of the couch, just his eyes and top of his head peeking up over the blanket. He looked so much like a little kid hiding from monsters under the blanket, that it was actually kind of cute. But also a bit hear-breaking too. Especially with his eyes squeezing shut and another shiver going through him.

“I know.” He said after a while. “I just.. don’t like to talk about it.”

Steve as getting an inkling that it really might have something to do with this. The fact that Bucky brough tit up at all might’ve been a subconscious thing. An attempt to make the connection without making it. He knew calling him on this could any number of ways, but he thought it was worth a shot to at least try.

“Well if you don’t like to then why you’d bring it up?” He asked carefully, placing a hand on his face. “Cause that’s seems a bit counter-productive there jerk.”

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered, averting his eyes from Steve’s deliberately now. “Forget about it I don’t know what I’m talking about my heads all messed up.”

It sounded evasive, because he’d been pretty specific. He decided to push him just a little, not to the point of a fight, but to see where he was on it. “You hardly ever talk about him.” He mentioned, treading carefully on the subject per usual. “Maybe it has something to do with this.”

“It has nothing to do with it.” Bucky snapped at him, sounding a bit defensive now. “Just my crazy head being random as shit that’s all.”

Steve had a feeling that’s as far as Bucky would go with this right now. He rarely talked about his father especially. Except for that one night, but that admission had taken effort and alcohol to get it out and Steve still didn’t think he’d gotten the whole truth either. With Bucky the whole story took a lot of time to come out, whether because of his choppy memory or just a stubborn unwillingness to admit it.

Right now, he thought maybe keeping him warm and calm was a better idea. At least until he had some help that was. So he brushed his hair softly to sort of soothe him a bit. “We don’t have to talk it alright?” He told him with a softer. “Not if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t.” Bucky answered, pressing his face against his chest. “I don’t wanna talk period.”

Steve nodded, resting his chin on Bucky’s head. You couldn’t force him if he didn’t want to talk. Whatever it was it was it was still blocked up pretty good. Under layers of brick and mortar. And who was he to make him pull that stuff up by the roots after everything he’d torn out of himself the last several months. He did have the right to go at his own pace. But it didn’t mean he didn’t need help either.

“Do want me to call Amelia for you?” He offered instead. “Or are you gonna do it?”

Bucky seemed to get a tight look on his face that question. ““Do I have a choice in it either way?”

“Of course you do Buck.” Steve reminded him. “It’s always up to you.” He let his hand brush his comfortingly as if to remind of that. “I just think she could help that’s all.”

“It just sounds like you already made the decision that’s all.” Was the snippy reply he got. “Since you know what’s best for me and all.”

Steve was not put out by the sarcasm in this reply. Bucky was clearly agitated he could tell, although he was doing his best to hide it. Because he felt out of control of the situation Steve knew. It was fear-based testiness that always happened in times like these. All Steve knew to do was hold him a little tighter during these episodes and he usually calmed down. Which he was already starting to do, he could feel the angry tremor in his body start to fade a little.

“We’ll do it whatever way you want Buck.” He reassured him as he held him close. “It’s up to you.”

“I’m sorry punk.” Bucky apologized as he buried his face into his shoulder. “I’m being an asshole.”

“Well lucky for you you’re adorable asshole.” Steve told him, nuzzling his head. “So I forgive you.”

“No you’re just a goddamn saint.” Bucky answered, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I don’t deserve you.”

“Maybe.” Steve told him, smiling as he rubbed his back. “But you got me jerk.”

He felt Bucky bury his face in his neck, and felt both his hands slide under his shirt, palms flattening against his chest, allowing Steve to truly wrap him up under the blanket. “You’re so warm.” He whispered into his neck. “You’re always so warm.”

Steve was more than happy to provide Bucky with the heat when he needed it, wrapping him tighter so it penetrated his body, which still felt too cold for Steve’s liking. He nuzzled his face to lift it so he could kiss him again, pressing him between his body and the back of the couch and pulling the blanket over both their heads to create this warm dark cocoon. And he let his hands wander, over and under Bucky’s clothes, rubbing his skin until it warmed up under his touch, his lips never leaving his.

At one point he let his fingers slid inside him, massaging internally, feeling the body pressed against him start to warm even more. It might’ve been temporary, but it didn’t matter. Whatever relief he could give. He could feel Bucky’s fingers, metal and flesh, flex against his chest and heard a soft whine against his lips.

“How’s that??” He asked, using his fingers in a soft thrusting motion, making sure he hit all the good places. “Feel warm enough or do you want more?”

“Yes.” Bucky moaned, his face pressing into Steve’s own. “More.” His leg wrapped around Steve’s hip under the blanket to give more access. “Please..”

So he gave him what he needed, lighting him up inside and setting a fire. He could feel the warmth increase in his body as he was pressed into him. Listened to him moan and whine, finally coming back to himself and shaking against him, but for a different reason.

“I’ll always take care of you.” Steve told him, his face nuzzling Bucky’s as he gasped for breath. “Always.”

They were still under the blanket, still relying solely on touch and sound. Their lips found each other again and they stayed like that for a while, in that warm, dark place under the blanket, with a cat sitting on their feet.

\--

Bucky didn’t know why he felt so reluctant to let Steve go, but that was the damn case. He wanted to stay in the warmth because the alternative was terrifying. That cold blackness that stretched forever in the abyss of his mind.

It was a place he was horribly familiar with. And felt an undercurrent in him that said it was where he deserved to be. That whispered to him to back inside. tt was terrifying how alluring that voice was.

And that memory just kept peeking in now, confusing and frightening him further.

The cold, snowy, dark woods on a moonless night.

_I don’t wanna stay out here papa.._

_You have to learn… you have to be prepared or they’ll get you. They’ll hurt you._

It was like all the old memories for him, reminding him of a film reel with missing pieces. The pieces that were intact where scratchy and fuzzy. Only colored in places by complicated feelings that the child at the time didn’t understand. Not that the man he was now understood them much better. And to confuse them further they were mixed with fractured memories of the ice coming up around him as he was being frozen, because he was always awake when they put him in. Of the panic that rose in the head of the normally calm Winter Soldier right before it happened.

_Don’t like the cold.._ would be the circular thought in his head. _Wanna go home…_

It was confusing as shit now and once he’d come down from his beautiful high with Steve the cold was settling in again on the edges of his mind. He wanted to retreat from it but there was nowhere he could go. Because it was in his head and there was nowhere to run from that.

Amelia had warned him, thek more layers he pulled back could reveal deeper wounds buried beneath and boy had she been right on that. This one felt deep. Bone deep.

Bucky whimpered just a little into Steve’s shoulder, clutching him and aware on some level he might be hurting him. But Steve, per usual, never complained about that. Just held him as long as he needed as always. Allowing him the safety to doze off for a little bit, still clutching him as he did.

He was awoken from that by the sound of someone at their door. His automatic reaction in this half-asleep sate was to almost panic but Steve assured him it was okay.

“It’s Wanda.” He was told as he blinked awake from a barely remembered dream. “It’s alright.”

He was aware of Steve carefully getting up and then the next thing he knew he was being embraced by another warm presence. Feeling soft, red warmth on the back of his head. “Oh my God I missed you.” Wanda’s voice said into his ear, pulling him more into reality now. “I got back as soon as I could.”

“Hey kid.” He managed, pulling back and smiling at the feel of her hands on his face. “How was your trip?”

“Never mind that.” She answered, looking him over and biting her lip with concern. “You’re so cold what’s wrong with you?”

He shook his head, letting the fear and vulnerability show clearly. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly, eyes flicking from her to Steve and back again. “Doc says there’s nothing wrong except in my head per usual and..” He scrunched his face up a bit. “I’m not gonna lie I’m kinda scared.”

Wanda just continued holding his face and he could feel that warm glow reaching inside his head. It was comforting and seemed to push back that cold a bit. “Well I’m back.” She told him, looking up Steve herself as well. “And I’m gonna help you figure this out.”

He felt so grateful his eyes actually stung a little, causing him to lower his head and let her hug him again. Just like with Steve, it was safe to be like this around her too. She was one of a handful of people he truly trusted. Could feel those hands on the back of his head let them calm him again.

“We got our guest room done finally.” Steve told her, crouching with them. “You can stay if you want.”

“Oh I’m planning to.” She told them both with a bright smile. “I’m gonna make a nuisance of myself.”

Steve shook his head at that. “You could never be a nuisance.”

Arya seemed to agree with this, rubbing up against her, meowing and purring loudly at the presence of her Auntie Wanda. Which got the desired effect of getting attention. She weaved in between Wanda and Bucky as sat in front of him. And Bucky let himself breathe a little more steadily now. Calmer.

“I can get in there to help you.” She then said softly to Bucky, tapping his head with her thumb. “But only if you want me to.”

Bucky nodded, biting his own lip. “I do.” He said with a sense of relief going through him. “I need your help..”

Wanda smiled at him, lifting Arya into her lap as she did. “Well if we’re gonna do this, we should do it upstairs in the art room.” She told him. “You feel safest there.”

She knew him too well he had to admit. It was the best room for it. So let Steve help him up off the couch, all the while keeping the blanket around him. He still felt cold and needed it. And Steve’s support to help him walk because he didn’t feel all that strong. He felt sapped of energy. The cold did that to him like it did to anyone. He was sure it had factored in in Siberia too, wearing down his will to fight just as much as the torture and abuse. It was wearing him out the same way now.

So by the time he got to the room upstairs he was exhausted, and collapsed onto the couch in there. Steve sat down on the couch behind him, once again wrapping the blanket around him as he did. Wanda took the chair in front of them, letting Arya jump onto Bucky’s lap and do her cat thing. Which was a circle on the blanket before settling down in his lap for added warmth.

“It’s okay if I’m here?” Steve asked curiously, over Bucky’s shoulder. “It’s not an invasion of privacy or anything?”

Wanda laughed at that a little. “It’s not therapy Cap.” She told him, pulling her chair closer. “I’m just gonna take a look inside that’s all.”

“You’ll get to see how we do this punk.” Bucky told him, getting himself comfortable. “I know you’ve been dying of curiosity.”

The art room was lit up by the rays of the setting sun, it perfectly faced the southern sky to get the maximum natural light. Which Bucky did love to paint by, when his mind wasn’t muddle too much to allow him too that was. But it really was his favorite room in the house. It was his personal space and he’d done a lot of healing in here.

“Alright close those pretty blue eyes of yours Sarge.e.” Wanda told him as she put her hand on his head. “And let me have a look.”

It was always amazing how that the red warmth would just light everything up inside. It might not penetrate the black darkness, but it knocked back the cold a bit. The visual manifestation of her inside his head was surrounded by the glow as well. She was a force no doubt, and there was never any threat of harm when she was inside his head. Unlike some of the others that had messed around in there.

“It’s freezing in here.” She said out loud, more for Steve benefit than anything. “Like some someone left the freezer door open.”

Something had been left open somewhere that was for sure. Bucky wished he could close whatever it was and feel warm again. Whatever was open was inside the blackness at the end of that haunted hallway. The part that was furthest from the open door with the light and warmth in it. And Bucky did feel those two different urges at the moment. One that wanted to retreat back to the light and warmth, and then other. The one that was pulling him to explore that frightening gulf of darkness again.

The Soldier wasn’t with them here. Bucky had wanted to keep him away from here, in the warmth and light and had managed to do just that. And his other half had been more able to heal as a result. To blossom and become more of a person in his own right. And Bucky could feel him resting peacefully in the other part of his head and was grateful for that.

It was at that moment he thought he heard something in that darkness, deep in it. Familiar voices.

_We’ll stay out here all night if we have to._ said that voice, one he’d desperately tried to please. To live up to the expectations of. _Until you learn._

Bucky hadn’t realized how eerily similar this had sounded to the man in the boots, the Colonel’s lieutenant, in that room where the lights blinked. _You will learn Soldat.._ he had hissed. _You will suffer until you do.._

He didn’t like the correlation he was making here, it made him want to pull away even more. The Colonel and the man in the boots had hurt him all the time but his father had only really hurt him that one time. Physically at least. Because there were other ways to someone weren’t there? One that did not leave visible marks.

And the thing was, judging by Wanda’s look inside his head, she’d heard the voice too. He felt her hand on his, and looked over at her. “I don’t wanna be here.” He told her. “I need to get away from here.”

“We don’t have to stay.” She replied, pulling him back from the darkness even as he felt a foot strangely move forward. “We can go any time.”

But right before she pulled back, Bucky saw, or thought he saw, one more door in that darkness, a thin outline. Wide open and letting the cold air in. Through he could hear the night sounds of the forest. Knew it was where that first voice had come from. And that’s what made him retreat. Because it was causing the cold he knew. It wasn’t just the memories of the cryo-freeze. That was part of it yest, but there was more. And he just… couldn’t yet. He did not have the courage at the moment.

So he let Wanda pull him back out again, back into warm life again and opened his eyes in the art room again. Feeling Steve’s arms around him and the cat in his lap. And felt a whimper escape him at being safe and warm again.

He was shaking, not just from the cold either. Like any other puzzle he had to solve in his head it was falling together to create a picture. Of one way they’d been able to manipulate him. The closeness of the phrases used indicated knowledge of something they couldn’t have possible known about. Unless he’d told them himself while under duress. And Bucky had sickening feeling he’d done just that.

“Bucky?” Steve asked with concern, pulling him back from his tumultuous thoughts. “Are you okay?”

“No..” He answered, his wide eyes moving back and forth from Wanda and Steve. “I know how they did it now.. “

Wanda looked questioning at him, leaning forward with her hand on his face. “How they did what?”

He was still half in the world thinking about it. He had a vague idea of sleep deprivation, aided by chemicals creating a highly suggestive state of delirium. Had an inkling of what felt like fingers in his mind, searching for useful information to use. Anything they could to manipulate him further. It was fuzzy but it was there. And they’d found things, oh yes they had. Things he himself had almost forgotten were there. Old, deep wounds he’d buried under the façade of a well-adjusted human being.

_Everyone has secrets…_ he heard a familiar voice in his head say. _We will find yours Sergeant…_

“How they really got me to… comply..” He answered, his voice raspy with the pain of this. “They got in my head and they… found things..” He squeezed his eyes shut, another shudder going through him. “Things I… buried..”

He felt that slipping sensation again and was thinking this wasn’t just some psychosomatic behavior but something else created inside his head. Whether it was by those mad scientists or was a function of his own brain was unclear to him. Whatever it was it was triggered by fear and caused him to slip back into the dark again.

The watch beeped, warning that his temperature was getting low again. Not at the danger area but close. And that on its own was enough to cause him to lose his grip on himself again, clutching at Steve’s arm as if holding on as the shudder went through him.

Steve was alarmed by that of course. “Damn he’s getting cold again.” He told Wanda with a panic in his voice. “Grab me another blanket.”

Wanda did just that, getting the throw blanket Bucky sometimes used when painting and handing it to Steve, letting him wrap up the parts of him that weren’t covered. But he was still cold. It came from the inside, and he wished the warmth would penetrate. He could feel it a little even as his teeth chattered in his head.

“It was so cold in there.” Wanda told Steve. “I could feel it.” She turned her hand and it started glowing again. She looked at Bucky with fierceness. “But we’re gonna beat this too.”

She put her glowing hand back on his head and he felt that warmth immediately. It seemed to push the cold back. She couldn’t keep it there forever but it was a relief for now, that, along with the blanket was helping internal temperature climb back up again.

“I think they did something..” He managed to push out. “That makes me…. Slide if I get too close..”

Wanda leaned over and put both hands on his head now. And with Steve one side and her on the other, with the cat in between, he’d felt the warmest he’d felt in a long time. He let his eyes close, trying to push back the shudders and the panic that was coursing through him. Feeling warm enough to sleep for now. He thought maybe she was doing something to aid that too, a trick on his brain to help him sleep and he was not put out by that at all.

“We’ll figure it out Buck..” Steve said into his ear, his breath warm and comforting. “I promise.”

He felt his eyes flutter shut, a warm darkness coming over him, giving his mind a rest from all the confusing thoughts for a moment as he was wrapped up in loving warmth. Which was as far from the cold as it could possibly be.

\--

Bucky had fallen asleep it seemed, right on Steve’s shoulder. Which gave him a memory of himself doing the same thing on Bucky’s when they were younger. Thinking about how much you had trust someone to do that. To sleep in their arms with no fear of being hurt. It always felt like a great responsibility to have.

He was glad he was asleep though, and at least felt somewhat warm now. He smiled at Wanda, grateful for her help right now.

“He’s out huh?” She asked, although it wasn’t really a question. Her still glowing hand was sort of rubbing his shoulder and neck, still providing warmth. “That’s good because he’s having a rough time.”

Steve nodded, resting his chin on the top of Bucky’s brown hair. “What was it like in there?” He asked curiously. “In his head I mean?”

“It’s confused and chaotic.” She told him, watching him carefully. “But calmer than it used to be.” She scrunched her face a little. “And there’s like, a draft in there now. I mean it was always a little cold but lately more so.”

“Did you see anything?” He asked, needing to know. “Or hear anything that might explain what this is.”

She seemed to think for a moment about that. “I heard what sounded like voices.” She said after a minute. “I didn’t recognize but.. that’s when he started to panic a little.” She stared hard into Steve’s eyes. “It came from the cold, dark area. I think there might be another door there it was hard to tell.”

He was fascinated and frightened by what she was able to tell him. He knew that Bucky simply created this area in his head as a way coping and compartmentalizing his trauma, and somehow was able to visually project it to her. It was a way of communicating that was simply beyond him. But the metaphorical description was realistic enough to decipher.

“I wish I could do that.” He mused, running his hand over Bucky’s arm under the blanket. “Maybe I would recognize some things.” He nuzzled his hair a little. “Maybe I could actually help him.”

“You do.” Wanda said softly to him. “You don’t need to be a mind-reader to it either.” She smiled and put her one of those glowing hands on his hand. “You know him better than anyone and you didn’t need any special powers for that.”

“I know but.” Steve started and paused. “He still keeps things from me though.. I’m still finding new things out from when were kids.”

Wanda seemed to get a strange look on her face for a moment at that. “I think one of those voices was his father.” She told him, her hand on Bucky’s head again. “He’s been thinking about him a bit from what I could tell and.. it sort of had a fatherly tone.”

Steve sort of started at that. That was a subject that Bucky had only touched a few times and each time was like pulling teeth to do. He didn’t like talking about his parents, his father especially. It was a strange block and Steve thought it was a combination of avoidance of that particular pain and quite possible a lack of complete memory. He’d had a full memory return that one time, and had confessed it, but refused to really talk about it since.

“Surprisingly I didn’t know him that well.” Steve informed her. “He wasn’t home a lot when I was there.”

“He never talks about him?” Wanda asked curiously.

Steve shook his head. “His parents are kind of a touchy subject.” He told her. “There were some…. Issues there.”

“Yeah I know how that is.” Wanda observed, and Steve could tell she looked tired too. “It’s tough when you don’t get to say goodbye.. lots of unresolved feelings.” ”

Steve nodded at that, not having to answer, because he knew that sentiment himself. Although he did tell himself at least did get to talk to his mother, even if it was weeks before she died. At least he got the chance. Bucky hadn’t gotten that and there were so many unresolved issues as a result of that. And he knew Wanda understood that too. Losing her entire family in tragic fashion as well. You always thought you had plenty of time to fix things but you really didn’t.

“You look tired.” He told her, watching her rub Bucky’s head a little more. “The guest room is ready finally.” He chuckled a little. “You can be our first valued guest.”

They had finally gotten it done in their down time after the Netherlands. While Steve had been grounded from work and decided to actually finish some projects around the house And the activity had been good for them both, helping them recover from the trial fallout. The unused room in the house on the other side of the stairs now finally had a purpose other than another place to just store extra shit. And it looked pretty damn good he had to admit, almost better than their own bedroom.

“I’m honored Cap.” She told him gratefully. “And I’m taking you up on it because I’m not leaving until I’m sure he’s okay. I already told Vis I was staying over.”

There was more than just concern, but also the unspoken notion that if they had to take Bucky to the hospital it was good to have another person to drive. Because Steve would be likely carrying him. He was grateful to her for just being here like this, for being so selfless considering she’d just got home herself from a long mission. He knew that she loved Bucky that much that she’d do anything to help him and there was such a comfort in that.

“Good.” Steve told her and did a little maneuvering with Bucky so he could carry him. “I’m gonna put him in bed for now and then I’ll check on you.”

“Listen big guy you just take care of him okay?” Wanda admonished, standing up with Arya in one of her arms. “I know where everything is I’ll be fine.” She looked down at the cat in her arms and smiled. “And I got a felling she’d coming with me for a bit so no worries okay?”

“Yes ma’am.” Steve answered, smiling at her as he went to lift Bucky up. “If you need anything..”

Wanda gave him a hard look. “Just get outta you big lug.”

He chuckled as he stood up, lifting a sleeping Bucky effortlessly with him. He barely stirred. Was sound asleep. But even in that state he sort of instinctively slid an arm around Steve’s neck and buried his face in his shoulder. It was kind of adorable if he was being honest.

He watched as Wanda gave him a kiss on the head, her glowing hand on Bucky’s. “Get some rest Sarge.” She whispered to him. “We’ll figure this out.”

She then gave Steve a little pat on the face and took off to get settled in. Steve then carried his sleeping jerk to the bedroom and put him on the bed, with the blanket still wrapped around him until he could get him under the covers and comforter. And then put the extra blanket over him just in cases he needed some extra warmth. . He was already kind of dressed for bed anyways, with a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants on. Steve himself got dressed and laid on top of the covers, putting his hand over Bucky comfortingly above the blanket, checking his temperature every so often. But the watch hadn’t went off except that one warning time. Which was good, but he kept checking just the same.

After a while he seemed to stir, and looked a bit confused. “Steve?”

“I’m here.” He told him, his face in Bucky’s hair. “It’s alright.”

He turned and looked at Steve, eyes still looking perplexed. “How did we get here?”

That explained the confusion at least. Bucky still wasn’t awake, taking a deeper sleep. Which wasn’t a bad thing considering. “Bucky’s not feeling well so I took him to bed.”” He explained, not sure how much the Soldier knew just yet. “Do you know anything about that?”

The Soldier did that look to the right he always did when trying to find an answer. “He’s cold” Was the answer he gave. “Sleeping somewhere warm.” He got a confused look again. “What are…. parents?”

Steve was a bit taken aback by the question, his mind still on the first part of the answer. But he realized the Soldier might have useful information, he was just confused by the thoughts he saw in Bucky’s head. And it felt a bit sad that he didn’t know what that word meant. Didn’t know what a family. All he’d ever known before was masters and orders, had no concept of family.

“Parents are people who raise you and take care of you.” Steve tried to explain as he brushed the Soldier’s hair. “Their your family and the love you. At least their supposed to.” He smiled softly and left his hands on his face. “Why do you ask.”

“Bucky thinks about them when he’s cold.” The Soldier answered, still seemingly searching their shared brain. “Thinks of the… ‘father’?” He looked at Steve confused again. “We don’t have a ‘father’ or ‘parents’.” He butted his face against Steve’s chest. “We only have Steve.”

Steve kissed the top of his head. “Yes you did.” He corrected. “Bucky’s parents are you r parents.” He put his hand on his face and tilted the chin up. “No matter what they told you, you had a father and a mother and they loved you.”

The Soldier seemed to think on this a bit. “Loved?”

It was a question he realized, because Steve had used the past tense. It pained him to explain further. “They died a long time ago.” He explained further. “And Bucky is very sad about that.”

There was some alarm in those blue eyes for a moment. “Did we kill them?”

“No.” Steve assured him immediately. “They were in an accident it had nothing to do with you.”

The Soldier looked relived at that, and it pained Steve to think that he would think he had anything to do with it. But mixed with that relief was a strange sense of wonder that he’d learned something new. Something that apparently even Bucky had kept from him for some reason. Probably because he kept a tight lid on those memories. But this was almost as if the Soldier was finding a mental picture of these people that he didn’t actually meet himself.

“Mother was pretty.” He observed with a soft smile.

“Yes she was.” Steve told him, stroking his hair again. “And you have her eyes.”

“He thinks about the father when he’s cold.” The Soldier said thoughtfully. “They knew about it.. knew he felt bad about it.”

This was new information, something Bucky had hinted at earlier but wouldn’t talk about.

And there was that weird statement when he came out of the trance. _I know how they did it now_..

“Why does he think of him when he’s cold Soldier?” He asked, not sure how much he knew just yet.

“We don’t know.” Was the answer to that, and it was the truth he knew. “Bucky won’t let us see that.”

Which meant he was guarding that very closely. And Steve was pretty sure he wasn’t hiding it out of some sense of shame or modesty. He was doing it to protect himself. Whatever it was, it had been used against him to manipulate him in some horrible way. Those bastards had reached into his head, most likely using drugs and hypnotism to find it he was sure. And whatever it is, was the key to this cold affliction he was now having.

Since asking further was pointless, he simply nodded and wrapped up his Soldier in his arms again. ‘Are you cold?” He asked him. Leaning his forehead against his. “Like Bucky was?”

The Soldier shook his head and smile. “No. Bucky keeps us away from there now.” He was told and then saw the Soldier had an adoring look in his eyes. “Stay warm with Steve.”

He wasn’t cold from what Steve could feel. Unlike yesterday. The words _Bucky keeps away from there_ _now _rang in his head. He was sheltering the other part of his mind in a very selfless way. He wished he would protect himself the same way sometimes.

His thoughts were interrupted by the Soldier’s lips finding his and kissing him soundly. His hand found its way into that luscious brown hair and fisted it softly, pulling him closer to him as he did. He felt him shake the blankets off a bit as he did so his hands were free and able to touch Steve, wandering over him as he did. And let the kiss linger for a long time before finally pulling back.

“We don’t like that cold.” The Soldier said to him, his lips now swollen from the kiss. “Used to it but not like it.” His hands were under Steve’s shirt, the flesh and metal one both pressing flat against his chest. “Used to be cold all the time but not anymore.”

“Well you don’t have to be cold again Soldier.” Steve told him, hand still in his hair. “I promise.” He looked in his eyes, deep into his eyes, maybe looking for Bucky. “Tell Bucky he doesn’t have to be either.”

“He knows.” The Soldier said and Steve could swear he saw Bucky there too. As if he was close. “He always hears Steve… even in the dark..”

There was such comfort in those words, that Bucky could always hear him. It shouldn’t have been surprising considering the circumstances and all. But sometimes he wasn’t sure if he did enough to help. It caused him to pull him into his arms and kiss him again, getting a handful of that hair in his large hand again. Feeling that metal hand flex around his neck, his body close. Warm instead of the frightening cold of earlier.

He wanted to make love to him. He always did it seemed, but right now did not seem like the right time to Steve, considering the state Bucky had just been in. And they had company too. So he settled for just holding and kissing him like this for a while. In the middle of this he got an idea, and pulled his lips back to smile down at him.

“Are you hungry?” He asked as he leaned over him and brushing his hair. 

“Yeah.” The Soldier and smiled back cutely at him. “Ice cream?”

Steve raised his eyebrows at that. “That’s dessert not supper.”

The Soldier seemed to think for a moment and then answered. “Pizza first?”

“Now that we can do.” He told him and pulled him to sit. “But promise me you’ll keep this on okay?” He held up the spare blanket to show him. “To keep you and Bucky warm.”

“Keep us warm.” The Soldier answered, letting Steve put the blanket over his shoulders. “Okay.”

Getting up off the bed, he pulled him up to his feet and made sure the blanker was secure around him, before bringing him downstairs. Before they left the door the Soldier very cutely put on the bunny slippers and smiled at Steve as he did. It was so cute Steve kissed his head in response.

“Can’t forget those can we?” He told him, putting his arm around them.

“We like them.” The Soldier reminded him. “Keep feet warm.”

They didn’t need to order pizza they had frozen ones, so he pre-heated the stove after sitting the Soldier down in the chair at the kitchen island. Putting his hands on his face he checked to make sure he was warm enough, because even the watch hadn’t beeped recently he wanted to be pre-emptive. And the moment he was still relatively normal for him.

And that’s when he heard another voice, starting both him and the Soldier. “Looks like someone is feeling better.”

It was Wanda and the Soldiers reaction to her was a bit wary and fearful, but also strangely adorable. He shot up from the chair and grabbed Steve from behind like he had at the hospital, peeking over his shoulder suspiciously. Which Wanda noticed and immediately understood.

“Or maybe not.” She said in soft voice, stepping a little closer. “Do you know who I am?”

Steve felt the grip on chest relax a little. “Bucky’s friend.” He heard the Soldier say, his voice muffled into his shoulder as he peered over it. “Magic hands.”

He saw Wanda smile at that and hold one up, a faint glow coming off of it. “I’m your friend too.” She told him, putting that hand on his flesh one. “You can trust me it’s okay.”

Steve felt the Soldier start just a little at the touch and the relax further, letting go of him finally. “Warm.” He heard the Soldier say as he finally stepped out from behind him. “Friend?”

“Yes.” Wanda answered, taking his hand and Steve was pleased to see the wariness draining away. “I see you’re having pizza can I have some too?”

The Soldier nodded an affirmative to this and smiled at her. “Yes friend can have pizza and ice cream too.”

“Oooh ice cream.” Wanda answered, guiding him to sit back down. “I like ice cream too.”

Steve watched all this without saying a word. Watching Wanda handle it and put the Soldier at ease very quickly. He supposed it was probably because Bucky had such a deep connection to her it wasn’t surprising it would bleed into the Soldier, who after an initial fear, warmed quickly. He supposed the fact that she was a female and not threatening to him in the way a strange man might’ve been was part of it too. The Soldier didn’t like men, other than Steve that was.

Whatever it was, it was sweet and cute. And just how she easily she eased into it and accepted this strange behavior made him grateful to her all over again.

The pizza didn’t take long and there was more than enough for the 3 of them. And some cheesy crust for Arya who’d wandered in and perched herself on the leftover chair. The Soldier, per usual, ate quicker than he needed to, a habit he was still working on from captivity. When food was only given sparingly and had to eat it fast. It caused him to burp at one point and sheepishly cover his mouth. Which of course caused laughter and a cute smile on his face.

Sometimes he looked so young. Like Bucky when he was a kid. When Steve had first met him. And he supposed maybe that was part of the attraction and strong affection there.

“I’ve never seen him full on like this. “ Wanda observed to Steve while the Soldier was eating and feeding Arya cheese. “It’s weird but kinda cute.”

“Yeah it is.” Steve agreed, watching him carefully to make sure the blanket stayed on him. “He lapses in and out a lot more these days.. a lot more since we got back. “ He took a sip of his soda and a bit of pizza. “I think its just.. how he’s coping lately.”

“Everyone has their own way of doing it I suppose.” She noted, turning to look over at Bucky. “Whose to judge anyone’s really?”

Steve sighed a little at that. “Yeah I know I’m just worried you know?” He confessed. “That’s he’s wandering further away to do it, that he may slip out and never come back.” He watched him eat and play with the cat. “At least not as Bucky ever again.”

Wanda gave him a sympathetic look. “He’s never gonna do that Steve.” She assured him. “He loves you way too much and been through too much shit to get back to you.” She put her hand on his comfortingly. “He’ll never go too far that you can’t find him.”

He believed her because she knew Bucky pretty well too. Had seen inside his head to where he’d been. Knew his feelings as well as anyone. But there was always that lingering fear he’d slip away on him, maybe not voluntarily either. They’d done so much to his body and brain he might not have a choice in it. But he also knew, like she did, that Bucky was a fighter too. He had to believe he wouldn’t let that happen. So he tried to put it to bed for now.

“Thanks.” He just said instead of all that. “Sometimes I just need to hear that.”

“No problem Cap.” She said to him, her voice as warm as he her hand. “Now I think it’s time for ice cream don’t you?”

“With chocolate sauce.” The Soldier piped up and seemed to think for a moment. “And.. whip cream?”

“He knows what he wants.” Wanda beamed ang got up. “I’ll get it together.”

Steve was about to protest, used to doing these things himself but Wanda’s eyes said that was a useless protest. She was giving him some time to sit with him and not have to do everything here, which he was also appreciative of. So he went over and sat in the chair next to the Soldier. Motioning for him to come sit with him. Which of course he did very happily. Sitting on Steve’s lap facing the counter while waiting for the ice cream.

“Wanda’s gonna make us an awesome sundae.” He informed him, pulling the blanket over his shoulder again and then holding him tight from behind. “She’s pretty good at it too.”

“We like her.” The Soldier said, leaning back against Steve’s chest. “Friend.”

“Yes she is.” Steve confirmed, nuzzling his neck softly. “Very much so.”

It was a great sundae and Steve let himself the extra company and the Soldier’s enjoyment and new discovery of friendship too as he sat behind him at the table. Just holding him close and keeping him warm as he began to learn more about having ‘friends’. About having a family.

\--

The Soldier had never really known what a friend was. Or family for that matter. He only knew orders and superior officers. None of them were nice to him. None of them cared enough to put a blanket on him or make him ice cream. Just wanted him to do things for them. To hurt others. And he’d wanted to please them so he did them. Even if he didn’t like it. It wasn’t his function to like things. Or to crave affection. His job was to be cold and mechanical, to fill a need for them.

But now he truly understood what was to treated not like a machine, but like a person.

Now he understood that he’d always had a family. A mother and a father. Even if he was still learning that concept. And that he had friends. Like this girl Wanda, with the glowing magic hands.

He’d been a bit afraid of her at first, but she was nice. Her hands were warm. And she made good ice cream. And taught him how to play cards, which really weren’t all that hard for his more logical nature to figure out. It was strategy. But it wasn’t for a mission to hurt people, it was purely for fun.

The Soldier really liked having fun. He couldn’t get enough of that.

When he finally went to bed it with a playfulness he’d never had before. Almost like an over-tried child. Being all kissy and cute, wrestling a little with Steve and getting tickles. Tickles were a lot of fun, made him feel warm inside. Causing him to giggle, and giggling was something he doing a lot of more of these days. In the back of his mind though he was wondering himself if Bucky was okay. He’d been gone for a long time, and when he finally collapsed onto Steve’s chest and curled up with him, he voiced this concern.

“We don’t know where Bucky is.” He told him, his metal arm around Steve, head on his shoulder. “He’s gone again.”

He could feel Steve playing with his hair as if contemplating this. “I’m worried too.” He heard Steve tell him from above. “He hasn’t been feeling good lately.”

“Cold.” The Soldier said, matter of factly, feeling it for a second. “We know.”

“Are you cold now?”

The Soldier did an inner search and found there was a bit of chilliness inside him in spite of his earlier exertions. He had an idea Bucky was near it, if not in fact in it. There were reasons for this he knew. He heard those same voices. Felt the same lure inside to investigate. But Bucky, after yesterday, was blocking him from going near it too much. _You don’t belong there…_ was what he told him internally _You spent enough time in there.._

But the Soldier didn’t think Bucky belonged there either. There were only bad things in the dark.

“A little.” He admitted, nuzzling his face into Steve’s t-shirt. “Bucky keeps us from it, says we don’t belong in the dark.”

“He’s right you don’t.” Steve told him, his hand resting on his face. “But neither does he.”

The Soldier nodded against his chest in agreement with that. “There’s voices there, they call to us.. to him.” He told Steve, shivering again. “They try to lure you in… they’re not good..” He scrunched his face up a little bit again in recollection. “There’s something else… about… father.. we don’t know because he won’t let us see.”

He told Steve this before, when asking about the parents. The Soldier did want to know more about this family he had before ‘them’. But it was hard when Bucky was like this. When he was ‘away’ in a sense. As scared as the Soldier was of the dark, cold place, he wanted to go get Bucky out of it too. But he needed the warmth for that. A tether so he wouldn’t get lost in it himself.

So he lifted his head and kissed Steve meaningfully, sliding his body over his as he did. “Need Steve to keep us warm.” He whispered against his lips. “So we can get Bucky out...”

He felt Steve’s hand in his hair, gripping it tightly and wrapped one of his legs around his, indicating what he wanted, and that he wanted to be on the bottom this time. Pulling on him slightly to emphasize this and kissing him harder. Steve seemed to get this signal, flipping him over onto his back and the Soldier sighed into the kiss, surround by Steve and the mattress as he was pressed into it.

“I don’t want you to get lost in there too Soldier.” Steve said in a soft voice, looking down into his eyes now. “I want you both here.”

“As long as Steve holds onto us.” The Soldier answered, his hands sliding under Steve’s shirt and pushing it up. “We won’t get lost.”

They slowly stripped themselves of clothing under the blankets until they were skin on skin, generating heat in the old-fashioned way. The mattress felt so soft under him that the Soldier felt himself sink more into it yet strangely suspended in the air at the same time. Completely surrounded now by warmth from it and from Steve’s body. It lit a fire inside him, which helped light the way.

They made love slow and quietly, both of them completely under the covers and the Soldier felt so warm and serene, his metal hand wrapped around the back of Steve’s neck as their heads pressed together, eyes staring into each other in the semi-dark. And the Soldier knew Steve was looking for Bucky in them too.

And he searched for him in his head, his mind open to it now, surrounded by warmth and love. Traveling within it, half in the world and half inside as he looked for Bucky too. To bring him back into this with him.

\--

Bucky could feel that warmth. Could feel what going on with his body, even if it was from a distance. He was exploring now that he had an inkling of what was going on. A suspicion. It meant getting very close to the cold and its strange allure of quiet drifting. There was an appeal to that silence that was there. But it was terrifying too. Because if he got too close he might not be able to get out again.

He was caught in the memory now that lurked behind that previously hidden door. The doorknob was cold, just like everything else in this part of his head. Like the door with the snow that came out of it when it was opened. The one that had to do with his fall. There was ice and snow here too.

He knew instinctively now, that that door was connected with this one.

The thing about memory was that the more of it you uncovered, the more connections it revealed.

There was something in his memory of his fall from the train that was coming back now. Years of intensive therapy had helped unlocked more of it. Like the recent recollection of his foot in the ice-cold water of a partially frozen river, and the fact that he couldn’t feel his left arm at all as he laid there broken in the snow. But what had been added had been a memory within a memory. What he might’ve considered his first real flashback.

Because when he’d fallen the impact had partially buried him in the snow and some of it had blown over his face, partially obscuring his view of the sky above. Not that he could see straight then or even move his head at that point. Pam had told him his skull had been fractured and he was severely concussed. Said it was a miracle that he had survived it, but that he had any memory of it at all. So it wasn’t surprising that the memory he had would shift, change, or even eventually reveal more as he continued to heal and recover.

The memory within a memory was simply one of being buried in the snow when he was a kid. Not from a fall though. Someone had dug the hole for him, and had him get in it. And then covered him with snow after. He had been cold and scared then too.

As he’d laid at the bottom of the ravine, he remembered himself saying, in the fuzzy memory you had of fever delirium _I’m cold papa I wanna go home…_

The voice in his head that answered that said in a stern voice _No we have to stay here and hide.._

But safe from what? That was the question really. Bucky understood now that his father had serious PTSD issues like he now did. Delusional kind that sometimes turned him violent as a result. But the complete memory of this incident was still evading him. All he knew was, he’d flashed back on it as he’d laid at the bottom of the mountain, and that somehow the Hydra people had used whatever this was on him psychologically. Thinking he must’ve been delirious and talking out loud at times in front of his captors as his mind reset to this particular moment in his life. A trauma he had buried under all the others.

He felt maybe it was key to getting over this last hump to figure it out.

The fact that he was terrified of it certainly didn’t help. That was where the appeal of the void was the most difficult to resist. But it wasn’t the only thing pulling at him now. There was a warmth flooding his mind and driving back that cold. At least temporarily that was.

_Come back to Steve.._ he heard the voice of the other. _Warm here…_

Bucky was becoming more and more aware of his body’s activities. Of a warm sensation of pleasure was tugging on him. Coming to during sex had happened several times and the sensation was amazing. Intoxicating. There was that duality that enhanced it so much, feeling it through two sets of thought processes. And all he wanted to do at the moment was to give into that.

It was a hell of a lot better than alternative that was for sure.

So he let himself be pulled into it. Into looking up into those beautiful blue eyes under the blanket. To the feel of Steve’s skin under his fingers. The feel of Steve’s body on top of him and pushing deep and slowly into him, it drew him almost completely out, sharing the experience with the Soldier. A mutual thing as their respective thoughts linked together finally as he became fully aware.

“Steve..” He moaned to him, metal fingers flexing on the back of his neck. “I’m… here…” He smiled his lips against his. “We… both are..”

He thought he heard Steve make what sounded like a quiet growl mixed with a moan and then his lips were taken in deep kiss as he felt Steve move harder against him, into him. The kiss might’ve been to keep them both quiet he supposed. Bucky vaguely remembered they had had company downstairs. Not that he she would mind or complain about the noise. But they still had some decorum when it came to houseguests.

And It was a good thing he was being kissed like this because he might’ve been loud otherwise. Because Steve was pounding into him now, but instead of into the headboard it was into the soft mattress which muffled any noises they made, saving it purely for their ears only.

His hands found Bucky’s eventually, planting them into said mattress and nearly lifting the lower half off it, Bucky’s legs tightly around his waist. The sensation of one end of his body suspended while the other was held down was so dizzying and pleasurable he whined against Steve’s lips, feeling completely at his mercy and perfectly fine with that.

“My Soldier..” Steve whispered hoarsely, pulling his lips away only slightly. “My Bucky..” His hips pushed harder, causing Bucky’s eyes to roll back. “Mine…”

The very fact that it was almost silent made the coming orgasm even stronger and when it came over him it just about wiped him out. He sure as hell did not feel cold anymore that was for sure. He was as far from that as possible. Body was completely on fire and he was willingly throwing himself into that fire and burn up in it.

“Our Steve.” He and the Soldier breathed simultaneously as Steve bit down hungrily on their neck. “Ours..”

A few more deep, hard pumps and then Steve himself stilled and filled their shared body with even more shared warmth. And finally let go both their hands. The metal one dug itself into that now lengthening blonde hair and pulled his lips from their neck to kiss him languidly as his legs slid off him, laying open on either side of Steve’s hips.

They laid there like that for a moment, Bucky momentarily forgetting he had even been gone in the bliss of his awakening. He let go of Steve’s lips and let him continue to mark his neck sweetly. “When did you wake up?” He heard Steve ask against his neck, whiskers tickling the skin there as he did.

“I don’t know.” Bucky answered honestly, fingers playing in Steve’s hair. “Does it matter?”

“No.” Steve told him, bracing his arm on the bed so he could look down at him. “I just glad you are.” He smiled and rubbed his nose against Bucky’s cutely. “Not that I didn’t like the company I had.”

Bucky put both his hands up on Steve’s face and just pulled him down to kiss his head gently. “Thanks punk.” He whispered to him, keeping his lips there for a moment. “I might’ve stayed in there all night otherwise.”

“As much as I’d like to take the credit jerk.” Steve replied, bracing himself on one arm again. “It was the Soldier who pulled you out not me.” His other hand brushed Bucky’s hair back lovingly. “He worries about you too when you’re gone like that.”

In his heart Bucky knew this was true. He and the Soldier, due their unique circumstances had come to rely on each other and one without the other had seemed unnatural. Almost like losing another limb. Before when he’d merged them, it had felt unfair and he’d been unsettled for a while about it. Now it felt right, even if it seemed strange. Bucky had learned a lot time ago that when something felt it didn’t matter how weird it seemed. He went with it. And now they shard so many things now. And the fact that one would go and find the other in their own way was strangely comforting to him.

“Where were you?” Steve asked him, concern in his eyes as he looked down at him. “You were so cold earlier..”

Bucky bit his lip, wanting to be honest even though there was a part of him that still wanted to hold back. That was confused by all this. Because he knew he wasn’t controlling these ‘slips’ as he was thinking of them. He wrapped his hands around Steve’s arms and struggled with the answer.

“I have a.. memory that’s locked up in the cold area.” He tried to explain as he looked up at him. “It’s all mixed up with the fall.. and I think I said something when I was injured and… they used whatever I told them..” He closed his eyes trying to think further but it kept getting blocked by ice and snow. By the cold. “And when I slip I go into it.. but I can’t see tha clear picture.” His arms snaked around Steve’s a little more as he felt a shiver. “It’s all messed up and I.. can’t control it.”

Steve brushed his hair comfortingly, leaning on his elbow now. “Does it have something to do with your father?”

Bucky started at this, wondering how Steve even knew to ask that. “Why would you think that?” He asked, feeling slightly defensive for reasons he couldn’t understand.

“The Soldier asked about your parents.” Steve explained, paying little attention to the tenseness in Bucky’s voice. “He said you were thinking of your father when you were cold.” He let his other hand run over Bucky’s hip soothingly as he talked. “Did he have and episode and hurt you?”

Bucky’s face tightened a bit at that. “I said he hurt me that one time.” He snapped a bit. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“I do believe you Buck.” Steve said in a voice so soft it almost hurt him to hear. “But you’ve been sure of things and then.. you’re memory changes.”

He saw the truth in Steve’s eyes, knowing that had happened a lot. He’d denied a lot of things at first. Was certain they hadn’t happened, or had just convinced himself they hadn’t. The torture and rape came to mind. It was how his mind worked he knew. The pieces shifted, revealing truths that had terrified him. Amelia said memory worked like that. It wasn’t always coherent or linear, and we didn’t always remember things as they were. Sometimes we remembered the way we wanted them to be.

Something had happened in the woods that time, he just… wasn’t sure what it was yet. Or why it frightened him to the point of defensiveness when he go close to it.

“I… I can’t do right now.” Bucky answered to that, butting his head against Steve’s shoulder to hide his face. “It’s in the cold and I can’t remember… I’m sorry.”

He was shivering again. Every time he got close to the memory, he got cold, like he did when he’d think of the cryo-freeze. It had become an involuntary reaction. Bucky thought it might be a variation on his flashbacks, when his body would react as if there again. But just because he understood his illness better didn’t mean it didn’t confuse and frighten him. Especially when the source was alluding him.

Thankfully Steve didn’t push it right now. He just pulled Bucky into his arms, allowing him to press his face into Steve’s shoulder and fold both his arms against Steve’s chest. He curled into his arms to allow for maximum coverage because he was afraid the cold would come back again.

“It’s okay.” Steve told him, hand buried in his hair. “You don’t have to.”

He nodded against his chest, thankful for that because his head was all fucked up right now. He just let him wrap the blanket back around him fully and let himself be held warmly like that for a while until he felt stable again.

\--

When Bucky perked up a little bit later, he lifted his head and leaned it against Steve’s, his eyes hooded in a thoughtful way. He just seemed so fragile today, more vulnerable than he’d been in a long time. Whatever his head was doing to him, it had upended him in a big way. In a dangerous way too.

“I hate it when I’m like this.” Bucky said with a sigh, sitting back a little. “I really thought I was past this weak, needy shit.”

Steve tipped his chin up to look in his eyes. “It doesn’t make you weak to still need help sometimes you know?” He told him, holding his face with his hand. “You gotta stop thinking that.”

“How often have you had to take care of me over the last couple of years Steve?” Bucky asked him, his eyes almost shameful at that. “I don’t know cause I’ve lost track.”

“Well Buck, considering how much you took care of me growing up and all.” Steve countered, his other hand on the upper part of Bucky’s metal arm. “I haven’t even come to matching that so shut your mouth about it alright?”

It was true and Bucky knew it was. Steve couldn’t count how many times Bucky had cleaned him up after a fight. Carried him home when he was too damn tired, and taken care of him when he was sick or in other kinds of pain. There was no way he could ever repay that to him. The fact that Bucky needed him, and needed his help more was never an issue for him because of it. He owed him his life after all. In so many ways.

“I’m perfectly fine looking after you jerk.” He reiterated. “So just accept it.”

Bucky gave him a weak smile, his teal blues showing gratitude he couldn’t vocalize. “Okay punk I was just sayin’ is all.”

Steve smoothed his hair back and gave him a quick kiss, letting one of his hands slide over his hip. “Speaking of that. “ He told him, letting his hand run over his bottom a little. “I did go at you kinda hard earlier perhaps you need some care there too.”

“Maybe.” Bucky mused, wiggling a little against his hand. “I mean you put the Soldier right to sleep and all so..”

“Well he did have a busy day while you were gone.” Steve informed him, as he pulled Bucky more onto his lap. “I mean he had pizza and ice cream and Wanda taught him how to play cards.” Steve smirked a little at Bucky’s reaction to that. “And we had a tickle fight so he was pretty tired after all that.” 

Bucky put his legs on either side of Steve’s knees under the blanket and shook his head. “I should warn you that neither one of you play fair at those things Rogers.”

“So you say.” Steve said in his ear as he began to rub his rim slightly. “Sounds like a sore loser to me.”

He watched Bucky’s eyes flutter even as he was being defiant. “I stand by what I said punk.”

Once he got his hand in there good Bucky leaned his head forward and bit down softly on Steve’s shoulder to stifle the thick moan that came out of his throat. Steve loved doing this after. He like it even more when he got his face in there as well. And he would do that in just a minute after he warmed him up a bit more that was. He felt Bucky’s hands flex on his back and felt him bite his shoulder a little harder as Steve rubbed him a little more.

“Now lay down jerk.” Steve growled softly to him. “And let me finish.”

Bucky disentangled himself from him and did what he was told. And Steve slid under the blanket and pulled those gorgeous thighs around his neck, feeling the heels of Bucky’s feet on his back as he did. And put his mouth where previously had his hands. There was something about doing these things under the covers that just made it that much sweeter today.

Especially when Bucky was chewing on the edge of the blanket to stay quiet as he was feasted on.

Steve loved doing this after. It was like the cherry on top for him. The sweet dessert after the main course. And he always finished his dessert. Wrapping his arms around Bucky’s thighs, he got in there good and made sure to take good care of him.

Once he was done with him, he crawled up next to him, with just their heads peeking out from the covers and kissed him softly before just laying there next to him. Just loving that glazed, satisfied look Bucky always good after some ‘good lovin’ as he he affectionately called it. He was never more beautiful in his opinion than he was then.

“You know I was thinking punk.” Bucky said thoughtfully, his voice still breathless. “Maybe I should try and paint or something.” His blue eyes seemed to almost glow in the semi-dark. “Maybe I can figure it out that way.”

Steve wrapped his arm around him and nuzzled his face. “I think that’s a good idea.” He told him. “You haven’t done that in a while and that always helped you.”

Bucky smiled, his metal hand resting lightly on Steve’s hip. “I’ve just been blocked up lately and I feel like I could now.”

He watched him sit up then, letting the covers fall to his waist and once again appreciated just how stunning his husband was. How perfectly muscled and colored his body was. The scar tissue he used to be so ashamed of just adding to his beauty. Even the newer one, which always gave him a tinge of anger to see. But laced with satisfaction that the bastard who’d done it, who’d hurt him so terribly for so long, was dead and would never hurt him again.

“You’re staring again punk.” Bucky observed as he searched for his clothes. “I can feel it.”

His was now sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to him as he slid on his earlier discard sweatpants. And Steve got up and nuzzled the back of his neck, just wanting to touch him and taste his salty skin again. To keep giving him warmth as he struggled through whatever this was.

“You caught me jerk.” He whispered in his ear. “But I can’t help it you know?”

Bucky turned his head and smiled over his shoulder. “Yeah I do.”

He then turned more fully and put his hands on Steve’s face, kissing him softly. And Steve could feel the love in that kiss very strongly and reciprocated it before letting him go so he could get up. Watching as he pulled a shirt on and unconsciously pulled his tags out of it, to hang against his chest in that perfect way it always did, completing the look. Remembering the day he’d given them to him and how far he’d come since then.

Steve slid into his own shorts and then remembered something, grabbing it off the bed. “Take this with you .” He suggested, trying not to look worried. “Just in case.”

Bucky nodded, taking the blanket as if seeing the worry in his eyes. “Good idea.”

“I love you.” Steve found himself blurting out as Bucky turned to go to the art room. “I mean I know I say it a lot but..”

“I know punk.” Bucky answered, turning around and looking at him with soft eyes. “And I love you too.”

It felt like he was almost afraid to let him out of his sight again. Afraid that he’d find him cold somewhere, lost in his own head. That he’d be unable to revive him this time. But right now, it seemed like Bucky needed to go paint on his own for a while and maybe figure this all out. Realizing in some strange way he couldn’t always protect him from these things. That Bucky was strong enough now to deal with this. He just needed support that was all.

So he let him go do that, but told himself he’d check on him in a little bit. Just to make sure.

Steve decided to go in his office and get a few things done while Bucky was painting. He walked by the door, which was never fully shut because Bucky never did that just in case something happened. He could see him sitting on the bench, paint brush in his hand and a look of concentration in his eyes. He wanted to sit there and watch him but gave him his privacy for the moment.

Going into his office he decided to go through his computer and maybe download some pictures onto it. Smiling as he found pictures of them at Sam’s wedding, remembering that night rather fondly. They way he and Bucky had teased each other and ended up in a private room as a result. Seeing him happy with all their friends. Smiling and looking like anyone else. Steve thought every one of these ‘normal’ moments was a victory for him now matter how small or insignificant they were. When one was battling mental illness and trauma, every little thing mattered. It was why he took so many pictures, to chronicle this for him someday.

To show him every step on his way back.

There were a lot of them, not just of the wedding. But all kinds of things and he got caught up for a while. When he was done, he glanced at the closet, where the book was hidden until Bucky figured out what to do with it. Steve was personally hoping he’d just forget about it for a while as he dealt with this.

He actually thought about burning it himself but knew that wasn’t his choice to make.

After a bit he’d realized it had been an hour and decided to check on Bucky. Opening the door to the art room he saw him sitting there, just staring at whatever he’d painted, almost trance-like. Steve became alarmed and went over to him, trying to make sure he didn’t overreact and scare him.

“Buck?” He said, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Everything alright?”

He didn’t answer at first, and Steve realized when he put his hand to his head he that felt a bit cold. A lot cold actually. And realized the blanket was on the floor and not on him. He picked it up and put it on his shoulders and turned him in the stool to look at him.

“Bucky?” He asked again, a little more concerned this time.

Bucky’s eyes kept starting at the painting and Steve turned to it and really looked at it. Took it in.

He was very skilled, had honed his ability over several years and everything he painted looked so realistic yet so surreal at the same time. Picked right from his head into shocking clarity. This painting was showing a snowscape in the woods. There was a child with brown hair sitting in what looked a hole in the snow, looking up at someone not in frame. The kid’s hair with snowflakes caught in it, and his blue eyes looks like blue prisms Steve recognized him immediately. How could he not?

It was Bucky, looking the way Steve had remembered him when they’d first become friends.

There was a coldness to this painting, you could almost feel it radiating off the canvas. It had that cold beauty to it and Steve turned back to Bucky to see his eyes finally register his presence again.

“I’m cold papa.” He said in a voice that sounded like when he was younger. “I wanna go home.”

Steve wrapped the blanket around him tighter and put his hands on his face. “You are home Bucky.” He told him, feeling how cold his face was. The watch beeped a warning beep at this. “It’s okay.”

Bucky then seemed to shake himself out of it and look at Steve fully and then back at the painting again. His eyes were wide and understanding now. Then he finally felt his face slightly warm in his hands again as he came more out of it a little.

“Steve..” He said and wrapped his hands around Steve’s arms under the blanket. “I remember now.” He bit his lip. “I know why I’m so cold..”

He heard the watch beep again, his temperature fluctuating as if he was fighting the cold wave going through him. And the next thing it would do was make a louder one. And if it did that he needed to take him to the hospital. In fact he wanted to take him now.

“Bucky I think I need to take you to the hospital.” He told him, wrapping him up in the blanket. “Pam said if you got too cold…”

Bucky grabbed his arm, looking at him with slightly wild eyes. “No.. no hospital I don’t need to go.”

“You’re freezing Bucky.” Steve admonished, putting his hand on his head. “If that thing goes off again I’m not gonna have a choice, Pam will send a damn ambulance you know she will.”

She’d said as much, she was very concerned about hypothermia. Which seemed weird in the middle of summer but it happened. His internal temperature was dangerously low now. The watch said 96.1 when he lifted Bucky’s arm. That was too close to the danger zone of 95 for his liking.

“I don’t wann go.” Bucky reiterated to him, his eyes pleading. “Please Steve don’t make me go I can fix this on my own.” He gripped Steve’s arm tightly, almost painfully. “I know what’s causing it.”

Steve looked in his eyes, scared as all hell. “Bucky…”

“Please Steve..” Bucky seemed to beg. “Trust me okay?” He was shivering, his blue eyes looking like younger Bucky’s in the paining now. “Don’t make me go yet please..”

Steve did an internal fight with himself. Bucky knew himself fairly well, and if he said he knew the answer he probably did. But Steve also knew Bucky wasn’t well and hated the hospital. Avoiding it whenever he could because that trauma was still ongoing. He wasn’t sure he could trust his judgement here, but he didn’t want to force him to do something he didn’t want to do either. Didn’t want to go over his head like that and quite possibly upset him further.

He put his hands back on his face, feeling his cool skin and tried to wrestle the answer to this dilemma.

“Alright we’ll stay.” He finally decided. “But if your temperature goes down even a half a degree more then we are going to hospital you got that?”

Bucky nodded, looking into his eyes. “If that happens, I’ll probably unconscious so… I wouldn’t have much of choice anyways.”

“Don’t even fucking joke like that.” Steve said with a little anger in his voice. “Cause if that happens..”

Bucky smiled at him, and gripped his arms a little tighter. “I know you’ll take of me punk.” He told him, leaning his head against Steve’s. “You always do.”

He would. He would reach into that icy place in his head and yank him out if he had to. He hoped it didn’t come to that. He pulled the blanket more around Bucky and pulled him to his feet. Feeling him shiver slightly in his arms as he did. He was so cold. He hoped he made the right decision because if it was the wrong on this and he got worse, he’d never forgive himself.

“Damn straight I will jerk.” Steve told him, his arm tightly around him. “We’re gonna get Wanda now we need her help.”

Almost as if her name summoned her, Wanda appeared on the stairs. Steve shouldn’t have been surprised. She could sense feeling in the air. Maybe even felt the cold herself. “Oh my God.” She said, putting a glowing hand around Bucky’s head on the opposite side of Steve. “He’s so cold again maybe we need to get him to the hospital.”

“Not yet.” Bucky told her, as he leaned against the warmth of her hand. “You gotta help me warm up kid and I’ll explain..” He tried to smile again. “Okay?”

Wanda looked over at Steve a little concerned. “Are you okay with this?”

“No I’m not but it’s what he wants.” Steve explained, heading for the bathroom, where they could control the temperature better. “I’m not gonna force him if there’s another way.”

Getting him to the bathroom, they sat him on the toilet with the blanket around him. Wanda put her hands on his head and Steve could see the glow behind him as he turned on the shower, making the water as long as possible. But no one was taking a shower, it was just for the heat and steam. . It would be hell on the heating bill but that didn’t matter right now. He could afford it anyways.

Steve could also see Arya perched on the sink, swishing her tail in a worried way, her fur getting kinky from the steam. She didn’t seem to mind though, just kept that perch like sentinel. So Steve closed the door, trapping the heat inside the bathroom like a sauna as Wanda kept her glowing hands on Bucky’s head, going right to the source.

“Okay Steve said as he crouched next to Wanda in front of Bucky. “What else do we need to do?”

“What’s you’re doing is fine.” Bucky said simply and looked in his eyes. “I need to drive back the cold and it’s working a bit..”

Steve checked the watch, his temperature was going back up, slowly yes, but every little bit helped. He could see the glow from Wanda’s hands as it circled his head, warming him internally even as the steam rose around them and the bathroom had effectively become a makeshift sauna. 

“You said you remembered.” Steve asked, his hands resting on Bucky’s legs.

“I did.” Bucky answered, his eyes getting a weird, glazed cast as they shifted back to Steve. “I do.”

Keeping an eye on the watch, marking the temperature, he took his flesh hand and held it in his. “Can you tell us?” He asked using his other hand to move some hair away. “Tell us what’s happening to you?”

Bucky nodded, the glow from Wanda’s hands lighting up the steam that was circling them, lighting his face. It took him a minute to get started but he did. Telling a fragmented story within a story. As much as he could remember of it that was.

And it started and ended with being cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (PS sorry if these notes are shorter than usual I'll make up for it next time I promise :) )
> 
> I know this one didn't quite answer the question as to what's precisely wrong with Bucky, but there is a reason for that which I will explain. 
> 
> This was meant to be more about an internal struggle and mental blocks. It was also meant to be more emotional and I hope I succeeeded there too. It has several interesting ideas including Pam's idea that it could be psychosomatic, meaning that the mind is creating these symptoms on its own as a psychological coping mechanism, is possibly right, but not totally. When you consider all the messing around they did in his head it could also something that might've been done deliberately, or an unintended side-effect. But whatever it was, it is defintely due to their messing around in the part of his brain that deals with memory and emotion. Bucky does seem to be figuring it out though. 
> 
> The memory he has of this trip to the woods with his father is important, as we've seen his father did have some serious PTSD issues and there was a stressor event as a result that Hydra was able to manipulate him in that very vulnerable early stage. I'm always interested in how our childhood and our relationship with our parents or 'parental' figures impacts us on multiple levels. So this reveal is going to be important and will answer a few questions about how Bucky was an easy target for Hydra to manipulate. 
> 
> Bringing Wanda back now was something was very happy to do because I love that relationship so much. Just how much she understands him and cares for him as friend. She has been so integral to his recovery I'm so glad I could bring her back in and really break the bubble so to speak. And her meeting the Soldier full on was one of my favorite things I've written too. 
> 
> The Soldier's continued efforts to keep Bucky around is something I love too. They need each other, have relied on each other so much it's hard to imagine one without the other anymore for me. 
> 
> And this was one or my favorite sex scenes to write because of the transition that happened in the middle of it and how emotional the fallout was. As Bucky says sometimes, it loosens him up when he's a bit tight. But I thought this one had an extra oomph to it because of the duality. 
> 
> Beyond that I don't want to comment too much, because I could spoil something so I'll leave it at that. I will say the next chapter will give a lot more answers, we will learn the reason Bucky is cold like this, and what happened with his father, which is very much related. Psychology here we come yay :) 
> 
> And thank you all once again for the lovely comments. <3<3<3 and *hugs* to you all.


	34. Frostbite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did add an extra warning to this chapter and just to let anyone know he might be sensitive it does deal with childhood abuse themes and deals with a little bit more torture as well. Just a heads up on that. (more notes on this at the end) 
> 
> artwork on my Tumblr per usual

He’d begun to realize only recently that he might’ve been screwed up from the beginning. The denial and false narrative he’d sold himself of a stable, relatively normal childhood had come somewhat undone in recent months.

Bucky supposed he’d done this for protection. It had allowed him to believe all his problems started and ended with Hydra. At that was the was justification for suppressing it now, along with his memory loss. But the truth was he’d done it then too. Had presented an image to the world that was different from the reality of his life. Learning how to wear a mask and be two people at the same time. The outward image of a confident, handsome, and probably importantly to his family, straight young man. And the conflicted person he was inside, that only a few people even got glimpses of.

It was tough to shake old habits he’d found, even now. They were ingrained, sometimes pounded into you at an early age. And because he was so good at it, well-practiced, it had made it much easier for his captors to manipulate him in the first place.

This added a layer a guilt he hadn’t realized was there until just now. As if he needed more.

“When I was.. laying in the snow at the bottom of the mountain I.. remembered something.” He started, feeling the shiver of the cold even in the warm room. “I didn’t know whether it was real at the time or not.. cause your head does weird shit sometimes when it’s split open like a melon.” He tried to chuckle at bit at that, to just play it off that horrible injury a bit, for Steve’s sake really more than his own. “But I think it was real because.. it feels real.”

“So what was it?” Steve asked, still looking worried. “What did you remember then?”

Bucky looked at him pained to have to recall it. “I was with my dad…” He answered, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of Wanda’s hand ground him in the present. “it was snowing…”

_The woods in upstate New York were as far from the city as possible. His dad like to go out here to get away from the city and its noises. It’s chaos that had sometimes caused his father to have some of his ‘issues’. At least since they’d moved from the relative quiet of Indiana when Bucky was very young. He barely remembered his life there, having acclimated to Brooklyn very quickly. But it hadn’t stopped the elder Barnes from taking his son out here for some ‘important’ lessons. Which usually involved shooting things he’d realized. _

_He didn’t take the girls, or his wife, Only his son. Because boys needed to learn boy things. _

_“You have to make your shot.” His father would tell him. “To be accurate on the first one.” _

_Bucky had looked up at him through the drifting snow, holding a rifle that was almost as big as he was. “Why Papa?” He’d asked curiously, as was his nature to question things. “Don’t we have more bullets?” _

_He’d remembered his father looking cross at him for this. “Maybe you do, but you may need those bullets for later.” He was told. “And you need to put your enemies down quick before they can get you.” _

_Bucky looked around and all he saw he saw were deer tracks. They were the only people in the woods as far as he knew. Deer weren’t enemies, they were food or trophies, like the ones he’d seen at the lodge earlier. _

_“Yeah but they’re only deer.” He replied, a bit smartly as he recalled. “They don’t shoot back.” _

_He barely had time to register the back hand that struck him across the face, knocking him right into the snow. It hadn’t been enough to seriously injure him but enough to stun him. For a moment all he could see was the snowflakes falling down through the trees as he recovered his senses. And that shadow that loomed over him, lit up by the dim fingernail moon. _

_It wasn’t he first, or last time his father had struck him when he wised of like that, in spite of his later denials. To Bucky this had simply become discipline and it really wasn’t uncommon in those days. Things were different then as he always said The fact that his father never struck his sisters or his mother, and put it a bit more relish on it than he should have, hadn’t really occurred to him as anything really oddor bad. He was a bit of wiseass after all and, well, boys needed more discipline and structure. _

_He just didn’t realize just how much this treatment had made him vulnerable until much later. _

_“Are you done sassing me boy?” His father said with that slightly unhinged look Bucky would get used to. “Because disobedience gets soldiers killed.” _

_Bucky just nodded at that, rubbing what would be a swollen lip later. “Yes Papa.” _

_“The deer may not shoot back but you need to learn the lesson.” His father reiterated. “And we’ll stay out here all night if we have to.” _

_Sitting up in the snow Bucky just sniffed in his runny nose and looked up at his father, understanding this to be the absolute truth. Even though Bucky himself wasn’t a Soldier, not yet at least, his father had been and what he’d seen in the Great War had marked him considerably. He wouldn’t understand until much later just how badly he’d been afflicted. Not until after he himself had become a Soldier and had gone through his own hell as well. For now, he was just frightened and wanting to please him as best he could. _

_“Okay Papa.” He’d said, attempting to get up out of the snow he was soaked in. _

_His father wasn’t done with this lesson however and push him back into it, forcing him to sit there longer as the snow soaked through his clothes. And at the time, the cold weather gear was basically a jacket and boots. And anyone who’d lived in snowy regions knew that the heat of your body would melt the snow into it’s liquid from and make you even colder. Bone chillingly cold. A sensation Bucky would get very familiar with over the course of his life. _

_“You stay here until you figure out what you need to do.” He was told. “Until you learn your lesson Soldier.” _

_His father sometimes called him that when he was… weird. It was as if he was talking to someone else. And Bucky realized now that he was probably seeing someone else, somewhere else. He’d wrapped his arms around himself and shivered, looking up for some kind of mercy from this freezing, soaking wet cold. _

_“Please papa… I’m cold..” He pleaded, his teeth chattering. “I wanna go home..” _

_“You have to learn or they’ll get you.” His father replied, grabbing him by the shoulders roughly. “You have to toughen up…” He continued to crouch over where Bucky was sitting. “Now lay down and think about it a little more.” _

_“Who will get me? Bucky asked, scared enough now to actually want to crawl more into this hole. “Who Papa?” _

_His father glared at him as he should now this. “The Krauts.” He was told. “And they’ll hurt you more than I ever could.” _

_Bucky knew then as now that the ‘Krauts’ were the Germans. But he had no idea what they’d done to his father to make him like this. The idea of this sort of strange sounding monster was somewhat terrifying to him as a child. More than then slightly mad look in his own father’sr faces. The look that showed fear deep in him too. Anything that scared his father that much, scared the shit out of Bucky. Because these weren’t the fake monsters you outgrew, the ones that lived under your bed, these were real ones from a real place._

_And he had no idea of how right his father was about what they would do to him. No idea at all. _

_So he willingly laid back in the hole, even though he was freezing, cementing his fear of this particular monster with the dark, freezing cold. Looking up at the sky and seeing the snowflakes and that shadow over him as he did. They were landing on his face, partially covering it here and there. Because he was made to stay there for quite a while. _

_Sometimes he’d have to practice hiding like this too. His father talked about foxholes. That sometimes you hide as well. So those Krauts won’t get you. That was another lesson. How to not be found. _

_He as doing that now, the snow partially burying him until he could only see white. _

_“I’m sorry Papa.” He said in a shaky voice from his hole in the ground. After the requisite period of time out. “I’ll do better..”_

_Eventually his father pulled him out of the hole. And Bucky had wished he would hug him, would warm him up or something to warm him up. But all he did was hand him the rifle back and start walking again. Away from the warm cabin and deeper into the woods. He was still freezing, right to the bone, to the point where he couldn’t feel his fingers or toes, but he kept going, following behind his father, in his larger footsteps. Wanting to make him proud, and stop being so angry with him. He’d do anything for that. _

_Or to just get an embrace. To just warm him up. But all he could feel was the cold. It surrounded him._

_And when they found a stray deer, Bucky took his shot and didn’t waste, putting it down in one shot. That was something he was always good. His aim impeccable. This would be a blessing and a curse. _

_“Good shot Soldier.” His father told as he flung the deer over his shoulder. “Now we can go back and get some supper.” _

_It was the most praise he’d gotten the whole time. And was for making a kill shot. And even though a part of knew even then how screwed up that was, he took it. Happy to have pleased him this time. To see him smile at something he did. It made him forget the rest until much, much later. _

When he looked back at Steve and Wanda, he saw sympathy, and some pain for him for this. He hated that because it felt almost like pity. It made him just want to walk away at that moment, but he wasn’t done. Didn’t want to give them time to comment on that unpleasant memory.

“I guess you could say I had my… first flashback then.” He told them, letting out a heavy breath. “Or something like that.”

He realized in an odd way that was exactly what it had been. He’d been delirious as he laid there, alternating between that memory and the new, looming shadow above him. Which could’ve been Steve but sadly, wasn’t. But the pain and disorientation he’d felt in his head, along with being numb, wet and cold, had made him flash to that moment when he was a kid And he’d only just recalled this memory within a memory tonight. Considering how mashed up his head had been and still was, it shouldn’t have been surprising this was buried under all of it.

“I think I was… babbling about it when they picked me up.” He continued, pulling the blanket around himself. “Kept telling them ‘I’m sorry Papa I’ll do better’.” He closed his eyes, trying to access the memory fully but it wasn’t working completely, probably never would. “And I have… flashes of them asking me about that..” He opened his eyes back up and looked at Steve. “And about you… and I guess I just so…. messed up by then I told them..”

He knew they’d aided this honesty with some kind of drugs, ones that kept him awake and suggestable. Sleep deprivation did the rest, causing them to get all kinds of information. And he now remembered a brief though that had circled through his head… Papa was right, the monsters, the Krauts, had gotten him and he was terrified of them. And they knew it. They knew everything. They knew how to hurt him and twist him up inside.

“I gave them all the information they needed to break me with.” He told them, feeling the pain of that very clearly. It caused him to lean forward and butt his face into Steve’s shoulder. “I’m sorry..”

“Why are you sorry?” Steve asked him as he embraced him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He gripped Steve’s shirt a little tighter. “Because I was weak like he said and they…. they got me.”

“He was wrong Buck.” He heard Steve say into his hair. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

He wasn’t sure he agreed with that yet, but the sincerity in Steve’s voice was, along with Wanda’s warm hand on the back of his head, making him feel bit better. Warmer. He hadn’t always realized how much he needed that warmth sometimes. 

Steve lifted his chin and then looked in his eyes. “How come you never told me about this?” He asked him. “About any of it?”

Bucky could sense something in that question, and it just might’ve been jut residue from memory, but it felt like Steve was mad at him or something. He realized it might’ve why he apologized to him in the first place. And partly because he’d realized he’d been a bit dishonest about this, even if his memory was choppy.

“You’re mad aren’t you?” He asked, feeling that old sense of disappointing someone he loved, rear it’s ugly head again.

“I didn’t say that Buck.” Steve answered, looking a tad bit confused by this response. “Why would you think that?”

To Bucky, in this vulnerable state he was in, that was a confirmation that he was. It immediately made him want to put his defenses back up all over again. So he did, pulling away a little and sort of gathered himself, even as part of him thought he was overreacting to the whole thing. But he just couldn’t help being defensive in spite of that doubt. It was another habit he had a time getting gout of.

“Cause I know that look punk.” He answered with a little sass in his voice. “I’ve seen it before.”

He also realized he hadn’t answered his question. That he was being evasive. Because Steve wasn’t talking about recently, he understood Bucky didn’t always remember everything right away. He was talking about before. And although he knew the answer to it on some level, he had a hard time answering it just the same. It was just so.. complicate.

“I’m not mad at you Buck. “Steve said, trying to placate his feelings he thought irritably. “I just asked a question.”

Bucky shook his head at this, thinking now Steve was being evasive as well. He looked at Wanda almost apologetically that she had watch this. “I think I need some fresh air.” He told them both and got up off the toilet, dropping the blanket as he did. “It’s kinda stuffy in here.”

Before anyone could stop him, he pushed past Steve and walked out of the bathroom. He went to the landing where the window was, with access to the fire escape and roof and opened it, swinging himself out onto it and climbed up the roof, going over to the ledge and sitting on it, facing outward. His legs were swinging over air.

He really raw and on edge now. Was still shaking a bit and realized that even though it was warm he was still fucking cold. That he’d forgotten the damn blanket in his haste to leave. His metal hand was sort of itching to get to his flesh arm and rip it to pieces again, and his heart felt loud in his chest. Bucky desperately tried to calm himself but couldn’t help going back to the memory he’d just pulled out.

_I’ll be better Papa I promise.._

Practically sitting on his metal hand he just tried to shake it off and waged a war on himself about why he’d reacted that way to a simple question. No matter how legit question might have been it made him very defensive.

He just… needed a few minutes to himself and sitting out here on the roof, looking at the city lights beyond he did get that. But that other part of him wanted to be found and confronted.

\--

“Well you just handled that perfectly.”

Wanda’s words surprised Steve out of his thoughts, and he turned to her. She was picking up the cat off the counter. And looked a little peeved. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked her, genuinely curious as what she meant by that.

“Well after he just ripped that out of himself your first question was to ask him why he didn’t tell you.” She explained, giving him a cross look. “That’s what I mean.”

He winced slightly at that, knowing inside it might not have been the best question to have asked but it had just spiled out after that confession. It had, as painful to hear about that as anything else Bucky had confessed to him over the years but there was a different context here. And he thought maybe Wanda sensed it too, hence the look she gave him. That he was, if he was honest, a little upset about it for own reasons too.

“I don’t know why I asked that.” He told her as he turned the shower off to let it cool down. “It just came out.”

“It sounded like you were made at him.”

Steve turned to her, feeling a bit defensive himself that she’d hit close to the mark. “Why would I be mad at him?”

“I don’t know.” Wanda answered, pursing her lips a little. “You tell me.”

He knew why, and knew she had an inkling too. “Maybe because… he didn’t tell anything about this until recently.” He confessed. “That’s why.”

“Steve, he didn’t remember this until just now.” She answered, shifting the cat in her arms. “You have to cut him some slack on that.”

“I understand that, that’s not what I’m talking about here.” He corrected. “I’m talking about before. We’ve known each other since we were kids, and he didn’t mention it then either.”

Wanda looked at little annoyed at this. “And you think he didn’t trust you is that what it is?” She asked, her free hand on her hip. “Because you know he does, it’s not about that its..” She paused for a moment as if to calm herself. “The further back it goes the harder it is to… pull it out sometimes.” She got a pained look as she understood this. “It’s just a deeper hurt.”

As he listened to her he’d remembered times when they were kids, when Bucky would have marks or bruises and seemed to want to tell him something, but would then backtrack. Or when they were living together, and he’d have trouble sleeping. He was always on the edge of it, but then it seemed like he’d refocus on Steve instead. Always propping him up, putting on a face to hide any shadows. And that a lot of times, Steve himself got caught up in a lot of his own rebellious, angry shit and didn’t notice it. But hindsight was 20/20 as they say and now he was noticing what he might’ve missed. And the guilt himself.

“Maybe if I’d asked then.” He told her, leaning against the sink. “If I’d push a little maybe.. he might’ve told me.”

“The word ‘maybe’ will drive you crazy.” Wanda said as she put her on his arm. “You can’t do that to yourself.” She gave him a stern look then. “Focus on what you can do now. Talk to him.”

She left him then, carting Arya with her and Steve thought about it for a minute before leaving the bathroom himself. But before he did he picked up the blanket that Bucky had dropped. Knowing he still needed to be kept warm right now. And he had feeling he knew where he’d gone.

Sure enough the window was open and Steve had realized that Bucky did that deliberately because he’d wanted Steve to follow him. Even if it was just on a subconscious level. That they needed to talk alone now. So he swung out onto it himself and climbed the fire escape. And found him there, with his back to the stairs, sitting on the ledge staring out at the city.

“Was wondering when you’d get your ass up here punk?” He said without turning. “Took you long enough.”

Steve smiled a little. It was still hard to sneak up on him sometimes. “Sorry I just.. had to think of what I’m supposed to say.”

He saw Bucky turn a bit, his metal hand tucked under his leg. Steve knew why he was doing that, to keep from scratching the other arm. And he knew that was a huge struggle for him right now not to do it. He could see it in his eyes, even in the semi-dark, the half-moon reflecting them back to him, hair blowing in the in the light breeze. It made him to look beautiful in that haunting way of his

“I don’t expect you say anything.” He answered before turning back. “I’m the one who over-reacted.”

Steve did a debate on whether to go over there or to give him some more space. But he looked cold and in need of comfort. So that overrode any doubt, causing him to walk over and put the blanket over his shoulders, before swinging his legs over onto the ledge too and sitting next to him. Contact and personal space at the same time. 

“Maybe so but.” He said as he reached over and took his flesh hand in his. “Bu I shouldn’t have pushed that so quickly.”

“You had every right to ask.” Bucky replied, still starting out at the city. “I’ve been keeping it from you for a long time.”

He could see him shaking a little, and knew he was still cold. But it wasn’t just that. It was a fragility that he seemed to have at the moment. Like he’d laid himself bare. Stripped everything away to his core now. To all the raw pain underneath. And all Steve wanted to do right now to provide him with some warmth and protection until he could rebuild his outer shell again. But he was sure he didn’t want to be wrapped up just yet, so he settle for rubbing his fingers, trying to warm them..

“If you wanna talk about it you can.” He said quietly as he did that. “But if you don’t that’s okay too.”

He wasn’t sure if Bucky was going to choose the former or the latter, it was hard to judge tonight. He saw him still sitting on the metal hand, biting his lip hard, enough Steve worried, to bleed if he wasn’t careful. , knowing he was having trouble keeping it away from his flesh. Because he scratched when something needed to come out, a pressure releasee that he was holding onto longer than he should. Like when he was on the stand and ripped his arm to shreds that time. So he hoped he would relieve himself, but until he did, Steve was more than willing to watch and support him as he did. 

“What did I tell you about giving me an out punk?” Bucky said after a few minutes. “I might take it.”

“Well that’s because I’m not gonna force you.” Steve explained as he sat there. “The choice should always be yours whether you talk or not.” He rubbed his hand a little more and kissed it softly. “I’m not like them.”

He saw Bucky smile a little. “I know punk, but believe it or not I’m still getting used to that.” He replied and seemed to slide a little closer to him on the ledge. “So maybe you should just ask what you really wanna ask me before I lose my nerve.”

That gave him some pause and allowed him to think back to when they were kids. Like the shiner Bucky had had on the stairs that night, he now knew had not been from a fight. But there had been other times before that when Bucky had been injury and claimed an ‘accident’ or a ‘fight’ which in retrospect had always sounded off. Because Bucky had such good reflexes, he rarely took a hit, and he was certainly not accident prone either. Once again Steve thought maybe he should’ve been more observant then. Although another part of him reminded himself he had a lot going on himself then. That he was just a kid like Bucky himself and the times were, well, difficult.

“That hurt shoulder you had when we went to Coney?” He asked. “It wasn’t an accident was it?”

Bucky winced slightly at that. “No… it wasn’t.”

Steve squeezed his hand in sympathy for that, remembered the way he’d winced that same way at Coney when he’s move it a certain way and then just brush it off like it was nothing. How he’d said he’d climbed down the fire escape and slipped and pulled it. _It’s nothing punk I’ve hurt myself worse scratching my ass…_ he’d said even thought it was clear it wasn’t nothing.

“How did it happen?” He asked, holding his as little tighter as he did.

“I was smarting off per usual.” Bucky answered, his voice even. “Kinda brought it on myself.”

Steve didn’t like him saying that, as if being a smartass meant you deserved to get hurt or something. Bucky had always told him his mouth was gonna get him in trouble when they were kids but he never blamed Steve for when he got his ass-kicked. In fact he defended him if he got there in time and cleaned up. For Bucky to then act like he, himself deserved it was a bit maddening but also knew Bucky had taken a lot more hits to his psyche than Steve himself had. With far less support.

So as much as he wanted to correct him on that right now, he didn’t interrupt and just let him continue to explain.

“He told me I couldn’t but I heading for the fire escape anyways, and he grabbed me and whipped me around really hard.” Bucky explained, shaking a little more. “My mom didn’t like when I went out that and he was angry and drunk and… I heard a pop and I suddenly couldn’t move it.” He paused, letting out a shaky breath. “He didn’t even notice, was too mad and too drunk to care.. just told me that I was reckless and disrespectful and shit like that beforee he… let me go.” He bit his lip, staring out at the horizon. “I figured out how to pop it back in myself when I got out of the house. Just used the side of the building…. “ He smiled ruefully. “I got good at that after a while.”

Steve winced himself, remembering how he’d been forced to dislocate Bucky’s shoulder all those years just to stop him. And even though Bucky still told him to this day he’d had no choice, Steve couldn’t help remembering how much he’d screamed when he’d done it. And how many times that had been done to him over the course of his life. He slid his hand up and rubbed his right shoulder, even he wasn’t sure if that had been the one his father had injured. But he knew damn well it was the one he’d popped.

“Funny thing is he didn’t remember doing it.” Bucky continued, pulling the blanket more around himself. “He’s have these blackouts where he didn’t remember dong anything and so… no one knew but me..”

“You never mentioned it to anyone?” Steve asked, his heart sinking at little at such a big secret. “Not even your mom?”

“Especially not my mom.” Bucky reiterated, looking over at him. “I mean I think she knew but… like me she was pretending that everything was okay.”

“What about the woods?”

Bucky shook his head. “You and Wanda were the first people I told about that.” He confirmed, his eyes closed now. “Except maybe for… ‘them’.” He seemed to shiver a little more, swallowing himself into the blanket “I told them a lot of things apparently.”

Steve didn’t want to ask about any more incidents, knowing that those two, and the one he already knew about, could stand for all of them he was sure. He wasn’t going to make Bucky open up about every single incident considering the state he was already in. But that last statement hit him, because it felt like a guilty statement and he couldn’t let it stand.

“So why don’t you ask me the real question?” Bucky asked him then, his voice still strangely calm. “The one you asked earlier?”

He knew what question that was, and wanted to ask, but still wanted to tread lightly. “I’m not sure this is the best time for it that’s all.”

“Stop going lightly on me Rogers.” Bucky answered sharply. “And just ask.”

Steve sighed a little at that, because he did need to know. “Why didn’t you tell me back then?” He asked again. “Why didn’t you trust me?”

“I did Steve.” Bucky answered quietly, turning to face him. “That wasn’t the problem.”

“Then what was?” He asked, reaching out to brush some of his hair back.

“I spent so much time lying to myself about it that.. I almost convinced myself it never happened.” Bucky told him, wrapping his hand around Steve’s arm. “And even when I did remember I… just couldn’t… bring myself to.” ”

His hair kept blowing in his face and Steve just finally put his hand all the wayin it, holding it away to look in his eyes. “Why couldn’t you?”

“Because you were always the… best thing in my fucking life punk.” He said in a shaky voice, cracking with emotion. “You were… perfect to me and I just… couldn’t tell you because I wanted to keep you out of it… separate.” He seemed to shudder again. “Can you understand that?”

He understood fully what Bucky was trying to say. Trying to explain why didn’t tell him any of this back then. That he wanted to keep the part of his life with Steve separate from the chaotic elements of his family life. That he needed that stability. For such a long time Steve had believed Bucky had bene the stable one, the steady strong one that keep his feet on the ground, but it was clear that Bucky had needed him to ground him too. Had needed something to focus on. An anchor of his own.

In other words, as much Bucky had taken care of him, he had been taking of Bucky as well. He just hadn’t known it until recently.

“I understand..” He told him, still holding his face. “I get it.”

“I wished I had told you though.” Bucky said in a pained voice, averting his eyes. “Maybe if I’d shared it, if I’d just been brave enough to open up then maybe they wouldn’t have been able to…” He paused and swallowed hard. “Use it against me like they did. If I’d just… ben strong enough to own it.” He lowered his head completely now as if ashamed by this. “Maybe they wouldn’t have owned me like they did.”

It sounded like he was blaming himself again and Steve just could not have that. “Bucky’s it’s not your damn fault.” He said adamantly. “They hurt and manipulated you.”

“Because I was damaged goods Steve.” Bucky insisted, meeting his eyes with hurt and anger in his own blue ones. Like a stormy sea. “They knew it cause I fucking told them.. my father always aid I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when it mattered and that it was what got me in trouble. And he was goddamn right wasn’t he?”

“No he wasn’t!” Steve told him angrily. “He was drunk and abusive and he hurt you too.. maybe not as bad as them but he did.” He grabbed Bucky’s shoulders and looked hard into his eyes. “He might not have been well but that was no excuse.” He lifted his hand again and it on his face gently. “You are not responsible for people hurting you that’s their fault not yours.”

Buck just seemed to stare him with huge eyes for a moment, almost as if he wasn’t going to accept this tonight. When he was having these bad days, Steve knew it was hard for him to see anything good in himself at all. Reliving things from that far back, had reinforced these thoughts in him. And had given insight into why he thought them in the first place, and all he wanted to do was make him understand that nothing had changed. That he was no responsible than he was before, and nolless strong now than he was at that trial. When they’d spent all those years hurting. Even when he was kid. He had always been strong and still was.

“I know you’re not feeling good right now Buck.” Steve said, softening his voice now. “It’s okay to feel like that like but I don’t want you to blame yourself for that anymore..” He pulled his face to his and repeated it again. “It was never your fault.”

He watched his face work just a little and he lowered his head, butting into Steve like he had earlier. His hands gripped Steve’s shirt tightly as he took a shuddering breath that seemed to go through his whole body. Steve let go of Bucky’s arms and finally put his hands on his head, burying his face in his hair to try and comfort him as they sat on the ledge like that.

Bucky was practically shuddering now, his whole body seemed to do it. And he was still too cool for Steve’s liking in spite of the warmth of the night. He did have a firm grip on Steve’s shirt, and there was strength in it, but he was also clearly tapped of energy, leaning into Steve’s body almost as if he let go he’d fall to the ground. Or off the roof. Or maybe it was just to keep him steady in general.

“Steve?” He heard him murmur into his shoulder. “Can we sleep up here?” He lifted his head and he had that glassy look in his eyes. “Not sure I can… make down the ladder.”

He was concerned about this and looked him over carefully. “Are you alright?”

Bucky nodded tiredly. “Just a little dizzy is all.”

He picked up the wrist with the watch on it, frowning because it was still lower than he would like. “I’m thinking maybe I should take you to the hospital jerk.” He said, feeling his forehead. “You’re still cold.”

“I don’t wanna go yet.” Bucky argued, shaking his head slowly. “I’m just.. tired is all.”

He did another internal debate and once again went along with him, not wanting to argue with him anymore considering the mental state he was in. And the idea of him climbing down that ladder, or even carrying him down at night seemed a risky endeavor. Especially if he was adamant about not going. He might not have been feeling well, but when Bucky was obstinate about something could match Steve for mulishness.

“Alright I’ll pull the mattress out.” He told him and put his hands on his shoulders. “But you sit down and stay under that blanket you hear me?”

Bucky gave him a slightly sassy smile and saluted. “Aye aye Captain.”

“And your not sitting on this without me either.” He told motioning to the ledge. “Cause you’re kinda listing to port Sergeant.”

“So?” Bucky answered, swing his leg and teetering dangerously as a result. “I’ve fallen from higher than this punk.”

Steve reached out and grabbed him, pulling him down off it. “Don’t remind me.” He admonished as if to tell him that wasn’t funny at all. “Now get down and sit.”

Bucky smirked and did just that, sitting with the blanket over his shoulders. “You know I kinda like when you order me around Captain.” He teased as he parked his ass on the ground. “It’s so adorable.”

“Yeah yeah.” Steve replied, rolling his eyes as he got the mattress out. “Just behave yourself alright?”

The love of his life just gave him a adorably saucy look over the top of the blanket. “Never gonna happen punk and you know it.”

Shaking his head, Steve thought to himself, he was lucky he wasn’t feeling well or that sass might have some consequences. But for now he just busied himself getting the roof ready for a camp out.

\--

It was a very warm night, reminding Bucky of the nights he and Steve had spent out on the tenement roofs as kids. When it was so damn hot you were literally sweating pounds just sitting there. He was a bit lost in that thought as he laid down next to Steve, doubled blanketed despite the heat. Because his punk was taking no chances.

“We’ve had a lot of fun times on the roof if I recall.” Bucky observed, cuddling close to him. “Back then and… recently if I recall.”

Referring to Steve’s birthday about a month ago. Which seemed like a long time to him. Since every week seemed to draw out with its own drama. But just remembering that night himself was pleasant enough for Bucky in its own. The way Steve had reacted to him in that Winter Soldier outfit had made him think of how much fun it would be do that again sometimes. Steve however didn’t seem inclined to do anything like that tonight, much to Bucky’s chargin.

“I know jerk.” Steve replied, nuzzling his hair. “But tonight it’s just for practicality.”

“Dammit punk.” He mused as he laid there. “You’re no fun.”

“You’re not well right now Buck.” Steve countered. “You need to rest right now.”

Bucky shook his head at that. “I’m screwed up but I’m not dead you know?”” He said with a heavy sigh. “I’m starting to think you don’t find me attractive anymore.”

Steve tipped his chin and gave him a soft kiss. “Never.”

He did have to admit his mind was all screwy right now. He still felt cold for one thing. And he was still reeling from his confessions earlier. Trying to make sense of all of it and how it all connected. He was frankly afraid of that if he was honest. The memory of the woods, of sitting in the snow, essentially being punished for a asking a question. The feeling of his father’s backhand across his face. It wasn’t the first time or the last time either. But they’d all stung even if they weren’t as painful as being cold-cocked like that time in the kitchen.

Or a dislocated shoulder for that matter if he was being honest.

The scary part was how commonplace getting hit would become to him. To the Soldier. To the point where someone could back-hand him across the face really hard and he barely react to it. It was terribly frightened how easily you got used to being mistreated like that.

He remembered the other people in that room with him and that asshole Pierce,, the ones who barely blinked at it. Like the ones who’d watch the Colonel and his minions abuse him and didn’t even bat an eyes. Sometimes they even helped out. In some way that indifference was even worse than the abuse.

It made Bucky think of his mother. He’d never explicitly told her his father was hurting him, but he knew she knew. As did his sisters as well. But they could be forgiven he supposed being kids themselves. His mother he had a harder time with thought. He loved her, missed her terribly and mourned in a painful way but he felt an undercurrent of resentment there too. Thinking she could’ve done more than just pray about it, to a religion that considered him a sinner for a variety of reasons. A part of him knew this was child-like thinking and she may not have had many options herself, but he still felt it. His feelings were so damn complicated toward his parents now. It was better when he didn’t remember everything and could idealize them, but he couldn’t now, and he hated that a bit.

“I haven’t visited them in over a year.” He confessed suddenly to Steve. “My parents I mean.”

Steve seemed a bit surprised about this. “You haven’t?”

“Not since before we got married.” He continued. “I wanted to but then… I started remembering more things and I just… stopped.” He nuzzled his face in Steve’s chest. “I run by it on my jogs and even stopped but.. I never go in.. It’s like I can’t.”

“Have you talked to Amelia about it?”

He had actually touched in this a little. That he’d felt guilty about skipping out and that there might’ve been some residual anger there. He hadn’t wanted to spend much time on but now realized he needed to. Was started to think this cold spell might’ve had something to do with it. And that weird crying he was doing at night sometimes.

“A little.” He admitted. “Maybe I should talk more about it.” He trailed his metal hand over Steve under the blanket, bit his lip. “It’s just.. complicated I guess.”

Steve turned a little and began to brush his hair. “I’m sure it is.”

“I never forgave him.. even though he did try to fix it later.” He admitted., looking away as ashamed. Because he kind of was. “I just couldn’t.. I know he wasn’t right but.. I just couldn’t.”

“He hurt you a lot more than you realize Buck.” Steve told him still brushing his hair comfortingly. “It’s understandable.”

“I know Steve but.. I ran out of time to fix it.. with both of them.” He said and looked back up, biting his lip harder. “Because I couldn’t forgiver her either.”

“Why were you angry at her?” Steve asked, seeming genuinely curious about this.

“She knew.. I know she did, she had to have..” Bucky told him. “And she nothing about it except pray for it to get better.” He couldn’t hide the bitterness that came out when he talked about this. “In that church where I always felt like fucking sinner… just for being who I was.”

“Bucky she loved you.” Steve tried to reassure him. “She would’ve done something if she could.. there weren’t a lot of options then you know that.”

Bucky knew Steve was most likely right, his resentment was a bit unfounded because he knew his mother loved him it just, as he said, complicated by a lot of things, including the times they lived in. There were not as many avenues for women and children in those situations. He knew he was being unfair in that sense, but he felt what he felt and sometimes wished he didn’t. A lot of the time actually.

“Maybe.” He said against his neck. “But I still don’t know if she could’ve accepted me as I was.” He looked up at Steve face, lifting his metal hand and touching. “Could’ve accepted that I loved you like this.”

And it really was the bitch of it for him. He could never truly know if his parents would’ve accepted his choice of a partner. Could’ve truly accepted him. Hell if they could’ve forgiven him for his multitude of sins in their eyes. In God’s eyes. Who he felt had abandoned him long ago in that cold pit of hell. A part of him thinking maybe he’d deserved that in some way. It caused a shiver to go through his body and to curl closer to Steve. His number one provider of warmth and light.

“Loving you is the only damn thing I’ve ever been sure of punk.” He told him, nuzzling his face against his. “You’re the only one who ever made me truly happy and how could that be so wrong?”

“Because it’s not.” Steve answered, pulling him closer. “Never was and never will be.”

He remembered Sarah saying something similar to him in a dark moment _What you feel isn’t wrong James.. it’s the world that’s wrong…_

He lived on those words. Acted on their blessing. And had never looked back. Steve had always been his safe place. The place where he’d felt the most like himself. And it had been the thing that had pulled him out of the dark more times than he count. In every way that mattered.

Wrapping his metal hand around Steve’s head he kissed him, and not short, chaste or quickly. It was strong and passionate, and pulled warmth and comfort from it. Once again wrapped up by Steve and the blanket, his metal fingers snaking around the back of his neck and digging in, holding his lips to his.

And even thought he’d postured about it a little earlier, Steve had been right he wasn’t well. He could feel in his bones that he wasn’t. But this was more than enough to help him go back to sleep for a little bit, curled up under the blanket under the stars. Taking some of Steve’s warmth into his own cold body for a time.

Not that his sleep was peaceful. When his head was screwy like this, it never was. Giving him a terrifying yet very revealing dream. In vivid, colorful detail.

_In this one he was in and out consciousness, waking up in different places. Hearing voices mixed with others. Of his father. Of Zola. Of one of the other doctors. Of those other terrible men. There was that foggy, incoherent feeling of being heavily drugged, but not for pain management, they didn’t care about his pain. . These were different kind of drugs, they made him see things and people that could not possibly be there. Floating in and out of his vision. They mixed up, melded together, causing confusion in his head. Until he couldn’t tell reality from delusion. _

_“You have to learn the lesson.. “ Said one that was his fathers but wasn’t at the same time “if you want to be warm again.” _

_A shock of cold through his body like freezing jet of water and he was laying in the snow again, not allowed to get up. Because Papa did not just pushed him into the snow this time as a punishment, but held him in it so his face was nearly buried. He was inhaling ice and snow into his lungs every time he tried to scream. He wasn’t sure if these details were 100 percent real, but they felt like it. _

_“Please papa… I wanna go home” He begged…muffled by the cold in his mouth. “I wanna see Steve..” _

_“Why Steve?” The voice that sounded like his father asked curiously as the hand holding him into the snow loosened only slightly. To allow him to talk. To explain._

_Bucky squirmed against the cold snow, inhaling more of it into his lungs as he took harsh breaths. Papa wanted to know the answer to this. And maybe he would let him go and get warm again. Let him go see Steve again. He was confused but he would do anything if he’d just let him up out of the snow and get warm. _

_“I love him Papa.” He admitted, his newly acquired metal hand digging into the snow. “He makes me feel good.. warm..” _

_“That’s disappointing son.” His fathers voice said with some disdain. “Love is weakness.. it’s the reason you’re here.. if you’d listened to me you’d be safe… they never would’ve gotten you.” _

_He was let loose a little more just the same though and coughed out the cold snow in his lungs. The snow had soaked through the little clothes they’d allowed him to wear, and he was freezing now. A part of him registering that it wasn’t snow he was in, but a basin full of ice water. He was finally pulled out all the way by his hair, and he was grateful for this reprieve, even if was terrified of the father person who’d put him there. _

_“You can see Steve now.” The voice said. “If you promise to learn the lessons. To do what you’re told. And you won’t have to do this.” _

_Crouching on his hands and knees Bucky breathed heavily, feeling the cold concrete under his hand and kneess, his hair still dripping with cold water. Sometimes when they did this he was promptly put in the chair, the water acting as a horrible conduit, carrying the electricity to every part of his body. But not this time. This time he heard another voice. It sounded familiar._

_It sounded like Steve. _

_He knew he shouldn’t have trusted it, the drugs and the sleep depravation were playing tricks on him but when he looked up he saw him too. Looking so bright and beautiful in this dark place that his heart leaped in his chest and itd gave him the strength to get up and run to him, throwing his arms around him. And for a moment he felt warm safe again. Wanting to believe with his entire heart it was real_

_Lifting his head, he put his hands on his face and let all the love shine through, betraying himself in the process. “Steve.” _

_“Yes it’s me..” His Steve said to him. “I’m here.” _

_His hands were on his face and felt so real, so there, Bucky’s confused and tormented mind was willing to accept t it as real. They’d already hurt him so much and he just, wanted to believe it. So he reached up and kissed him, just needing to ground himself. To try to make it as real as possible._

_But it didn’t feel right. And when he separated from him and opened his eyes, he saw who it really was and shoved him away violently. Feeling dirty and violated in a way he would become very familiar with over his time here. _

_“You’re mine Soldat..” That sinister voice said as Bucky backed into the wall horrified. “I’m your Captain now.” _

And with that image locked in his head he woke up screaming. His confused and terrified mind thinking that he was still there and it was the other man lying next to him. The Soldier in his head tried to tell him but Bucky was cold to the bone and still hysterical from the nightmare that he didn’t listen. Even when he felt the arms around him, he didn’t believe it at first, fighting him off as he tried scuttled off the mattress onto the concrete of the roof. Which in his confused was still the cold concrete of that horrific room. He could still see that blinking light reflecting off the tub of ice they’d brought in for the water torture he was just now remembering.

“Bucky it’s me it’s okay.” He heard that voice try to reassure him but right now he just wasn’t sure. “Its just a dream it’s okay.”

“You’re not real..” Bucky just kept repeating, practically backing into the nearest wall on his ass. “You’re not Steve it’s a trick.” His eyes wide and terrified he was certain of it. “No no no..”

But those hands wouldn’t let up, holding onto his shoulders, and Bucky finally started to remember where he was again. On the roof of his house. And it wasn’t cold here, even though he still was. And it really was Steve. Not the man in the boots or the Colonel. They were both dead and he was safe. The realization of this just caused him to fall apart and crawl into Steve’s arms, whimpering like a beaten dog, unable to from any real words. At the moment.

“It’s okay.” Steve told him soothingly, wrapping him up in his arms. “I got you it’s okay.”

Bucky just clung to him, shivers and sobs hitching through his body. He hadn’t had one this bad in a long time and he was shaken up, so terrified he couldn’t even talk. Not for a while a least.

And he was cold. So very cold. It felt like he would never warm again.

\--

He hadn’t had one this bad in a long time and that, like everything else tonight, worried the hell of Steve. It had been like he hadn’t recognized him. Or didn’t believe it was him. The terror in his eyes. _You’re not Steve… it’s a trick.._ It reminded him of the early days when he’d first gotten home. Of his worst nightmares when he’d have to restrain for fear he’d hurt himself.

Steve knew he had to keep him talking to get him out of whatever this was. Whatever little trap they’d put in his head to ambush him now, all these years later. But he didn’t have to ask, Bucky ended up just blurting it out on his own.

“They tricked me.” He babbled into Steve’s shoulder as he held onto him. “I thought my father was there and… and then I thought it was you and I… I was so confused…I’m sorry..”

Steve stroked his hair gently. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I revealed myself to them.” Bucky confessed, his hands gripping Steve’s shirt. “Everything I’d kept secret. “His eyes looked up at him with that glassy look. “About my father… about how I felt… about you.. I thought I was confessing to him so he’d let me get warm again… to see you..” He shivered violently at that moment. “So he’d… let me out of the snow.”

He had an inkling he weas talking about some form of torture that resulted in vivid delusions. Bucky had alluded to being drugged and deprived of sleep along with the physical torture, both in private and on the stand. But this sounded like a new element. It had felt so real to him that when he woke up it was like he was still there. He wanted to ask but didn’t want to interrupt, to let Bucky reveal it in his own way and not force him, So he just met his eyes and nodded to him in support.

“It was actually a basin with ice in and they kept putting my face in it and I couldn’t breathe.” He continued, the shivers wracking his body now. “I called your name and he said I could see you if I behaved.. and then you were there and I ran to you and… “ He was sharking even harder now, his skin feeling cold. “I just wanted to be warm and I… but it wasn’t you..”

He could fill it in the rest of the way himself, if Bucky greeted him the way he normally did. It pissed him off how much they messed with him. “Bucky it’s okay.” He assured him. “You were confused it’s alright.”

“He told me ‘I’m your Captain now’ and that’s when…” There was a pause and hitch in his voice. “They really started hurting me… the chair… the room..”

Steve put his hand to his lips. “You don’t have to talk about that.” He whispered to him. “It’s okay.”

“I knew it wasn’t you the minute I… kissed him.” Bucky continued anyways. “I just knew but then… they knew too.. they knew everything..”

Steve let his hand get a soft hold of Bucky’s hair, and pulled his lips against his. “Sssh.” He said against his lips. “It’s all over and it’s me now.”

He let their lips meet, and Bucky’s felt so cold when he touched them, and all he wanted to do was warm them up. Warm him up. The memory of that deeply buried cold torture and the underlying trauma that made it work, was causing his mind and body to almost recreate it. It was triggered by something he was sure, and wanted to figure what it was, but right now comforting and keeping him warm was more important.

“I didn’t want to do it.” Bucky whispered against his lips. “I didn’t wanna do any of it.”

He’d said this before, when confessing the sexual abuse he’d suffered, and it hurt no less to hear it now. His response was to just pull him more into the kiss, parting their lips and showing him had ever mattered. That he loved him and nothing he’d been forced to do would ever change a damn thing. Because even though he knew it, in his weak, dark moments he need to know that.

And it was doing the trick, causing Bucky to whine softly into his mouth and climb onto his lap, his legs straddling Steve’s. His hands gripped Steve’s shirt tightly, pulling on it. Steve let his other hand slide under the waistband of his sweatpants and left it there, just like that.

“No one kisses me like you punk.” He hard Bucky breathe as their lips separated. “NO one.”

He nuzzled his face against Bucky’s sweetly. “I would hop not.” He pressed his head against his and looked in those perfect teal blues. “Feel better?”

Bucky smiled, slightly lop-sided too. “A little.” He answered and then buried his face back in Steve’s shoulder as if cuddling against him. “Still could though…”

Speaking of that, his watch went off again, meaning his temp was getting low. Steve lifted his arm to check it and it was hovering just around 96, very much in the danger zone. He was fighting the urge to just pick him up and cart him off to the hospital. But as much he wanted to, it was up to Bucky unless it went beyond his ability to call.

“I’d like to take you to the hospital.” He suggested instead, rubbing his back and hip now. “I wanna figure this out but..” He rested his chin on his head and looked at what looked like coming of sunrise. “It’s still up to you.”

Bucky shivered again in his arms and Steve puled the blanket over him, right up to his neck. “I know why it’s happening.” He heard him say into his shoulder, folding his arms in between them like he’d been doing a lot lately. “I just don’t how it’s happening.. what they did. If they did anything at all that is.. but..” Another shiver went through him and the watch beeped again. “It just… feels like it’s getting worse..”

He seemed lethargic now, his shaking loosing some rigidity as if he was going limp a bit. “What’s happening Buck?” He whispered into his hair. “You’re getting colder.”

He was freezing cold now, curling into him for more warmth and he knew he was going to override his wishes very soon. His phone wasn’t even up here so if Pam had called, he wouldn’t know. He knew he was getting worse again. But Bucky solved it for him.

“Steve..” He murmured into his shoulder, seeming to labor a little with his breathing. “I think…you need to… take me…” He could feel another hard shiver go through him. “I don’t… feel so… good..”

“Yeah.” He said with surety, standing up with him in his arms. “I was just thinking that myself.”

It wasn’t going to be an easy task carrying him down the fire escape, but Bucky did help him out by hooking his arms and legs around him in a convenient way. “Hey punk.” He said in a slightly slurry voice.. “Remember when… I used to.. carry you down these?” He seemed to chuckle a bit, as if delirious and he probably was. “Good thing you were… a skinny little shit then..”

“Yeah I remember jerk.” He told him as began to swing him through the open window.

Wanda met them in the kitchen, holding Steve’s phone and keys in her hand. She didn’t need any prompting, it was as if she was waiting for them. Probably saw the message that was likely on his phone.

“Let’s go.” She simply said, holding up said keys. “I’ll drive.”

\--

Bucky really didn’t feel good. He couldn’t describe what he felt like, just felt ill, weak, and verry, very cold.

He still hated going to the hospital, that hadn’t changed either, adding to the distress he was feeling internally now. It felt like his whole body was freezing and slowly going numb. Just like when he was in the cryo-chamber. Extremities first and slowly climbing upward. It made him feel so weak and sleepy.

He’d felt it every time they’d frozen him. He remembered that much at least.

By the time he’d gotten there he’d dropped below the danger point and Pam had immediately got him into a heated bed, with a heated blanket. She had also put the sensors back on so he was now hooked up to all kinds of things. There was even something up his nose. At least it wasn’t a ventilator like last time he’d think later. Because he was not entirely aware of it all then. His fingers and toes felt numb and far away now. They put these cozy socks on his feet and a glove on his flesh hand that had helped a little. Kept the frostbite away at least.

In the summer, he thought deliriously and laughed. That had to be a first he was sure.

Wanda had driven them, because Steve didn’t want to leave Bucky by himself considering how rapidly his temperature was dropping now, so he sat with him in the back. But she didn’t stay. Bucky had deliriously insisted someone look after Arya.

“She might… get worried..” He told her when they arrived. “When she’s anxious she… scratches the couch.”

Wanda smiled at that and gave him a warm kiss on the head. “Don’t’ worry Sarge I’ll look after the princess for you, you just get better okay?”

Steve of course never left him, just doing his best to comfort him and help him keep warm. The softness was almost too damn much for him and he wanted to cry, but thought if he did, the tears might freeze to his face. It was an irrational thought, but what was rational about the situation so he laughed instead, which seemed to concern and confuse Steve a bit.

“What’s so funny?”

“It’s just… I’m freezing to death in the middle of summer punk.” He remembered answering him, his vision getting a wavery now. “It’s funny in a cosmic kind of = way is all..”

He knew he wasn’t making much sense, and even with his now swimmy vision he could see the puzzled look on Steve’s face at that answer. That made him giggle even more, which turned Steve’s puzzlement to concern. But he just didn’t know what else to do at the moment.

Pam said he was hypothermic now, although they still weren’t sure what was causing it. It was pretty clear his foray into that traumatic childhood memory, and the subsequent cold torture memory, had opened up a draft in his head and he couldn’t seem to close that door now. He just shivering and reliving it all in head like a never-ending loop. And endless flashback he couldn’t escape.

He was reliving every time he was cold. And not just cold in a physical way either.

“He was never warm.” He babbled to Steve, just letting random things spill out. “It was always so cold around him..”

Steve just brushed his hair comfortingly. “You don’t have to talk it right now.” He told him, trying to hide his worry. “Just rest.”

“I always felt cold” Bucky insisted, feeling really delirious now. “So cold.”

He was just talking nonsensically now he knew, his mind moving everywhere at once. Remembering how freezing cold his clothes felt as his father made him lay in the snow after striking him. It went from the ice chamber, the way it would rise from his feet to his waist to his chest and arms and how he was still awake for that, seeing the ice forming on the outside of the glass right before he went into the darkness. The swirling snow falling on is face as he lay at the bottom of the mountain, blood from his ruined arm freezing into the snow next to him.

The cold torture of the ice bath, breathing in chips of said shaved ice into his lungs as he struggled under the strong hand that held him there. His still healing and drug-addled brain circling him back around to the woods again.

The cold concrete of the bunker under his knees, and the metal of the cuffs the Colonel used on him.

It all blended together to create this cold that seemed to be rising up through his body like it had then. All the trauma came back to the cold again every time.

And endless cold loop In his head. He was stuck and it was terrifying.

“I was so cold… and he wouldn’t..” He babbled, fighting that cold in his head. “He wouldn’t let… me warm up…until I… I…”

The crack of the rifle in his head coincided with another one, the quieter shots of the AR they’d given him in Siberia when they had him pick off prisoners they’d deliberately let loose. Just for practice. Both times being praised for killing something. Reward with warmth and accolades. How he’d tried to please both in spite of the madness or malice of the demands.

All he’d wanted was warmth. Approval.

He could still feel Steve’s hand on his hair, the other one holding his flesh hand, and he could feel warmth there. Love. Comfort. Warmth. And he didn’t have to do anything to get it from him. He whimpered softly and just clutched at Steve, just wanted to be held again and was, whining quietly as he was.

Bucky didn’t realize how much he was truly starting to heal now. To process it all so fully. That letting his feelings out over this was his path back to warmth and light again. All he knew was he just needed to hold onto him. To let himself feel the pain fresh, and how afraid he really was inside.

At one point, he had an inkling that warm fluid was being pumped into him. Through that tw0-pronged tube in his nose. That along with all the other factors, was causing his body was warming up again. The violent chills he had were an indication this was happening. He was told later they warmed his blood through a filtering machine, but at the time all he was aware of was the warmth flowing through him. It caused him to become more lucid and more himself as a result. At least for a little while.

He became aware of Pam’s presence as well, hearing her voice talking to him and Steve, and he did his best to follow it even though he still felt out of it. He kept his flesh fingers entwined with Steve’s as they got an update on what they’d learned over the last 24 hours.

“Alright well we think we might know what’s happening physically.” She told them, going over some papers and what looked like a scan. “You see your Hypothalamus normally is supposed to regulate your body temperature, but it isn’t doing it for some reason.” She showed them the scan, which Bucky could not focus on, but Steve could. “I still think this is likely psychological in nature, possibly related to the PTSD because we know Bucky experiences his flashbacks very intensely.” She put the chart down and checked the vitals. “He may be stuck in one of these places and his body is reacting as if it’s happening to him right now.” She checked a few more vitals before adding. “We are still running some tests thought so hopefully we will know a little mor later.”

Bucky was now very aware of how his PTSD worked, and he’d had many intense sensory incidents, so it did not surprise him that this was possible. His brain did like to fuck with him lite that. In vivid techincolor and Dobly Sound. A complete 4D experience. The idea that he was stuck in a cycle like this was frankly, quite terrifying and Pam seemed a little concerned about his anxiety over this as well as well. 

And thinking this was possibly all in his head was not helping his anxiety at all. Which Pam also seemed very concerned about.

“Your adrenaline is up as well and that’s heightening your blood pressure so we may need to monitor that too.” She said directly to him and put something in his IV. “I’m going to give you a sedative to keep that down.” She then looked up at Steve and added. “This may be all in his head but his bodies reaction to it is very real and getting too cold or too stressed could be dire if we don’t get a handle on it soon.”

“So what does this mean for now?” Steve asked, squeezing Bucky’s hand a bit.

“I means I want to keep him here to monitor for at least 24 hours until I’m sure his body is stable again.” She said, and looked at Bucky regretfully, seeing his expression at this. “I know you hate it but I’m going to make you have private room and that your comfortable.”

He was grateful for that at least , but the idea of spending any time in hospitals was never appealing to him. Especially after the last time. At least it wasn’t like that, where he was strapped to a bed with that damn thing over his nose and mouth, and what felt like gorilla sitting on his chest.

“Can’t be any worse than last time.” He joked, giving her a weak smile. “Still sucks though.”

“I promise I will you get out of here as soon as possible.” She told him reassuringly. “But not until I’m 100 percent certain you’re stable.” She gave a soft smile. “And Steve can stay with you.”

She was good doctor in that way. Understanding about his trauma but firm about his care. It’s why trusted her so much. So he nodded gratefully, knowing he was well taken care of. It allowed him to get comfortable enough to relax, although he was sure the drugs had something to do with it too. He was still cold but not like that deep freeze before. He still felt the anxiety that it would come back thought, bringing with those terrible memories. But he knew on some level that he had some control over that. If he could just figure out how it started.

“I also talked to Amelia because I definitely think she could help you with this.” Pam also told them as he was being moved into the private room. “She’s going to come by later today and see how to start working you through this.” She put her hand on his shoulder as if to check with him. “Is that okay with you?”

Bucky nodded to her. “Yeah it’s fine.” He replied. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” She answered, smiling at him. “Anything else I can do for you right now?”

He thought for a moment. “I am kinda hungry.” He told her, his eyes going back and forth between her and Steve. He was having a bit of trouble focusing still. “We didn’t exactly have breakfast.”

“I can arrange that.” She assured him. “I’m going to make sure it’s something warm, nothing cold right now except water, we need your temperature up for now. “

“Yeah more soup.” Bucky sassed rolling his eyes a bit. “Can’t wait.”

She left them not long after that, giving them a little time alone to digest some of it. Steve pulled the chair up next to the bed and sat in it, just brushing his hair gently. “Are you okay with all this?”

“Well not particularly thrilled but.. you know..” He mused, playing with the IV a little, turning it in his metal fingers. “I’m looking on the bright side punk.”

“And what would that be?”

Almost as if on cue a nurse brought in some, you guessed it, soup with what looked like potatoes. Bucky took the spoon and just gave Steve his best, bravest smile. “I get to sample some, delicious hospital.” He told him, eating a spoonful. “Can’t beat twice microwaved potatoes.”

Steve smiled at that. “That’s my brave boo bear.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Dork.” He said dismissively, but not without affection. And then got serious. “If I’m being honest though… I’m not feeling particularly brave lately.”

“Well you are Buck.” Steve reminded him. “I’ve seen you do incredibly brave things over the years.”

“Yeah maybe but.” He started, eating some more potatoes. “I haven’t had the courage to go into the graveyard for over a year…” He looked back over at him, putting his spoon down. “How could I get up on the damn stand and say all those things and yet… I can’t do that simple thing?”

Or even disposing of the book for that matter. There were a lot of things he still couldn’t quite do yet. Amelia had always told him to be patient with himself when it came to these things, but he had a hard with that. Pissed at that paralyzing fear that came with certain actions still. He’d pushed past some of them, such as the claustrophobia, the fear of the hospital and men other than Steve getting near him. Of the pitch-black darkness. Blinking lights and clacking boots. He’d pushed past a lot of it even though it still bothered him, but he still couldn’t get his feet to move past the cemetery gate these days.

“You’re just not ready right now that’s all.” Was Steve’s answer to that. “It doesn’t mean you’re any less brave because some things still scare you.”

He took another bit of his potatoes and eyed him over the spoon. “Am I gonna get a superhero lecture about overcoming your fears again?” He sassed, stirring his food a little. “Cause no offense I’ve heard it before.”

“No.” Steve responded and wiped some potatoes off his face. “I don’t think I need to do that.” He left his hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. “Besides you’re the wise one not me.”

Bucky chuckled and stuffed some more bland potatoes into his mouth. ‘At least you finally admit it punk.” He said in between mouthfuls. “Only took you 100 years.”

Steve just grabbed his head and kissed it. “You’re such a jerk.”

He then sat down on the side of the bed and let Bucky rest against him as he finished his not-so-tasty food and then rest his tired head on his shoulder. He did make a great pillow after all. He allowed himself to relax and even felt, for a time, warmer like that. And eventually let the heavy food and medication do its thing, causing him fall asleep for a bit.

No dreams or disturbances this time thankfully. And he kept the Soldier asleep with him. Knowing full well the hospital was not a good place for him. And his other half didn’t question this, sensing Bucky’s overall mood.

Was just as happy as Bucky was, to use Steve’s chest as a pillow for a while.

\--

Bucky had fallen asleep after a while. It had been a rough night for him after all. For them both. But for Steve it more important he slept right now.

Thankfully he hadn’t seen any signs of the Soldier either. Bucky was likely holding him back for his own best interests. Too much drama could come from that. And Bucky was sleeping soundly right now. Hadn’t even woken up when the nurse had come in taken out his IV line for a little bit. Or when Steve had gotten off the bed to stretch his legs a bit.

This was the good kind of sleep for him right now. Not restless. Restful.

His vitals did seem to be better, and he seemed to be warmer too. The nurse had noted this while checking on him, but Steve didn’t need confirmation from her on that. His color was coming back again, but he still looked so vulnerable right now. Every time he was in the hospital, he looked that way if Steve was being honest and he’d been in the hospital far too many times. Those bastards had done so much to him. Even if they hadn’t engineered this problem deliberately, they caused it just the same.

Steve supposed knowing what he knew he could add his father to that list too, sick or not he felt himself retro-actively anger at him too. Despite Bucky’s almost childlike attempt to defend him sometimes. But he couldn’t afford that anger right now. Bucky needed him to be warm and positive for him right now so he put it away for a bit and just concentrated on that.

Just in time too because the door opened at that point and Steve looked up to see Amelia. “Hi.” She said in a quiet voice as if not to wake him. “I see he’s still sleeping. That’s good.”

“Yeah.” Steve confirmed, smiling at her. “He had rough night.”

“I know.” She said as she pulled up chair herself. “Looks like you both did.”

Steve just looked over at Bucky and brushed his hair a little more. “I’m alright.” He told her. “I’m just worried about him.”

“Understandable.” She answered, seeming to study him. “But you have to look after yourself too.” She looked at Bucky herself. “He worries about you a lot too.”

Steve wasn’t surprised to hear that, considering how adamant Bucky had been that he talk to someone too. They’d had more than a few heated discussions about it. Bucky also reminding him that ‘this shit goes both ways punk’. That mother-hen instinct of his had never waned over the years.

“He talks about me huh?” He asked her with a chuckle.

“More than he talks about himself sometimes.” Amelia confirmed. “And I learn a lot from that alone.” She smiled at him. “He thinks you hung the moon Steve.”

“He gives me way too much credit.” Steve countered. “Just like everyone else.”

“I think you both give yourself too little credit actually.” She corrected. “Something you have in common.” She reached over and took hi hand. “Do want to talk about it?”

He kind of did. There was a lot on his mind right now. But he was hesitant as well. “You’re Bucky’s therapists.”

“Steve I’m a therapist in general.” She reminded him. “Anybody who wants to talk to me is my patient.”

Steve nodded, thinking she was a gift herself. For both of them actually. His heart felt heavy, very heavy today. He still had a lot of unresolved feelings about these latest revelations and this situation in general. And part of him thought he was talking behind Bucky’s back, but he also knew Bucky would just be happy he was talking to someone. So he decided to unburden himself a little.

“He didn’t tell me.” He confessed to her. “I understand now, that he didn’t remember but when we younger.. he didn’t tell me about his father and I told him I understood but..”

“You feel like he didn’t trust you enough is that what it is?”

“Yeah that’s exactly what it felt like and I was angry about that I suppose..” He admitted, feeling relieved to at least say it out loud. “And I feel a bit selfish about that.”

“You’re entitled to your own feelings too Steve.” She reminded him. “And I know Bucky knows that too.”

“Yeah he told me that.” He said as he looked over at Bucky. “In so many words.” He sighed and just decided to spit it all out. “I guess to be fair I didn’t really notice either then… I missed the signs so..”

Steve supposed she had the general crux of it right there Like everything he felt like he let him down even then. That he was so caught up in himself and what he didn’t have. What he wanted to be that he didn’t see what was wrong with Bucky even then. Realizing he wasn’t as angry at Bucky as he was at himself for all the signs he missed, then and more recently.

“Sometimes we’re just too close to someone and we don’t’ always see it.” She assured him. “And sometimes they just hide it because they’re ashamed of it and they get really good at it.”

“I never knew my father.. all I knew was that he was a war hero. He never made it home.” He told her, just letting it out now. “I was envious of Bucky because he had his father. I was envious and didn’t get why they didn’t seem close because I would’ve.. done anything to have that..” He sighed and looked at his fingers. “And when my mom died, Bucky was all had.. but I kept looking forward to the future and not always at him.. I just kept missing it you know?”

“You were young. That’s all.” Amelia told him. “That’s what young people do, they often see what they don’t have instead of what’s right there.”

“It like that during the war too.. I didn’t realize how he was trying to protect me from that.” He continued. “And I didn’t see how hurt he was already because I was too distracted by being the hero.” He turned and brushed Bucky’s hair gently. “I lost him because of that.”

“But you got him back.” She reminded him, squeezing his other hand. “You got a second chance, not everyone does.. and you’re here for him now and that’s what matters more to him than anything you might’ve missed then.”

He looked down and nodded, knowing she was right, that he had to forgive himself for the oversights of his youth. That it didn’t matter really matter to Bucky because he was here now and noticing it. Making up for it, at least in his own mind. He was about to say something to her when something distracted him.

Bucky waking up disorientated. At least he hoped it was Bucky, because the Soldier did take well to strange environments. “Steve?” The confused voice asked, reaching out as if trying find him. “Steve?”

“I’m right here Buck.” He reassured him as he opened his eyes. “It’s okay.”

He saw those eyes he loved so much turn to him and a saw a smile when he realized who else was there. “Are you talking about me punk?”

There was some of that trademark sass in his voice, which made Steve glad to hear. “Only the good parts jerk.” He told him. “I swear.”

“How are you feeling?” Amelia asked him herself.

“Like shit.” Bucky answered, with a dry chuckle. “Nothing new there.”

Steve thought maybe this was his cue to exit for a bit and give Bucky some time with his therapist now. He knew he wasn’t alone, was in good hands. “I’m gonna go get some lunch alright?” He told Bucky, kissing his head sweetly. “Give you two some time.”

“Try not to get lost Rogers.” Bucky answered smartly. “I’m too tired to go looking for you.”

He just looked so freaking adorable with that look in his eyes he wanted to kiss him stupid right there but they company, so he just settled for a squeeze of the hand and another forehead kiss. “Never.” He told him with sassy look of his own. “Behave yourself jerk.”

“I guarantee nothing punk.” Bucky replied as if getting the point right away. “Now get outta here and feed yourself before I kick your dumb ass out.” He gave him that stern ‘take care of you dam self’ look. “Don’t think I won’t just cause I’m a hospital bed.”

Steve shook his head at that, seeing Amelia smile at this exchange. It was in a way, a good sign that Bucky was on the mend again. So he left him in the capable hands of his therapist did as he was told. Feeling a bit better himself as well. 

Even taking the time to make a few phone calls, including to a concerned Wanda, who yelled at him for not calling her sooner. He took it with good humor, knowing she as just worried was all. He also took the time finally to thank her for pointing him the right way last night as well. That he felt better himself now.

“Both of you are idiots sometimes.” She told him at one point in the call. “You’re lucky I love both of you.”

He agreed that they were in fact, very lucky to have her. When he was finally finished with her, he was able to get some lunch himself, taking his time to let Bucky and Amelia have a productive session. But it was on his way back up that Pam found him, stopping him in the hallway. The look on her face was half concerned, half hopeful.

“I’m glad I found you.” She told him, pulling him aside. “I need to talk to you.”

Steve was worried, thinking at first that Bucky had taken a bad turn while he was gone. But realized they would’ve called him. But still. “What?” He asked, trying to keep the worry off his face. “What is it?”

“We’ve been checking the sensors hourly.” She informed him, opening up the chart she was carrying. “We learned something interesting, and we’re not sure what it means but..” She looked at the scan in her hand. “I might’ve been wrong, what’s happening to him might not be entirely psychological.”

Steve had no idea what was on that chart, although he’d seen a lot of medical charts due to Bucky’s conditions. He had no idea what he was looking at. But Pam seemed a bit excited about this, not in the way of jumping up and down, but that she might finally have an answer.

“You mean they actually did something to him?” He asked, feeling that old anger again.

“We think so.” She confirmed before finally revealing her hand. “I contacted Shuri in Wakanda and sent over his scans because we were the limits of own technology and at a loss. She’s treated him before and she thinks she might’ve found something.” She paused to let Steve take this in for a moment. “Said she can be here tomorrow morning. “She gave him a relieved. “She says she can help him.”

Steve was floored by this. Whatever it was, there may an answer to Bucky’s chronic coldness very soon. Maybe, just maybe, he could finally get better that way so he could truly heal in other ways. He felt some real hope now.

“Tomorrow…” He said, itching to get upstairs now. “I need to talk to Bucky.”

Pam stopped him for a moment before he could leave. “She said anything they do might experimental, it may involve going inside his head like they did before and considering his trauma we have to be very careful how we approach that.” She explained to him. “So tonight you should try and get him into a good frame of mind, help him relax and keep his blood pressure down before you tell him.” She gave him a card. “And put this on the door and no one will both er you okay?”

Steve looked at the hanging card in his hand, it read ‘don not disturb, paiten6t resting’ and got the drift on this. “I’ll take care of him.” He told her. “Thank you.”

With that he went upstairs to find Bucky. Already forming a plan in his head to put him at some kind of ease before dropping this news on him. Making a stop along the way to grab some coffee. Turning over in his mind what Shuri may have to tell them in person, and what they may have to do to help him out. He was excited and scared at the worried at the same time.

It was a lot to deal with, so he gave Bucky more time with Amelia as he took the time to consider his own feelings too.

\--

“So tell me about what you’re feeling right now?”

Bucky looked at Amelia and tried to find the words to describe his head right now. It was difficult. The mess of thoughts and memories, all centering around literal and metaphorical cold were swirling in his head like the most chaotic windstorm ever.

“Cold.” He simply said. “It’s pretty much all over everything right now.”

“Cold isn’t a feeling it’s a sensation.” She reminded him. “I’d like to hear what you’re actually feeling inside.”

He lay on the pillow, his metal arm over his head, trying to put it into words. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “Scared I guess… “ He took a heavy breath and added. “Ashamed.”

“Well fear is understandable under the circumstances.” Amelia observed, pulling the chair closer. “But what are what are you ashamed of?”

“That I’m still this screwed up.” He confessed, letting his emotion flow into his voice. “I’ve been damaged goods my whole damn life and now.. Steve knows.”

“Why would that make you feel ashamed?”

Bucky bit lip, laying his head on his metal arm right now to keep it away from the other one. To keep it from scratching and pulling at the IV catheter in it. The release the pressure under his skin and he knew she could see it too. How tightly he’d held onto this feeling. How afraid he was to give into it.

“Because I didn’t tell him about it then. I kept it from him.” He admitted. “And I know he’s mad about that even thought he says he understands.. I know he thinks it, thinks I didn’t trust him.” He closed his eyes, blocking out the sight as he tormented himself with this. “He doesn’t want to say it because.. he’s afraid he’ll hurt me or something and that just.. makes me feel so damn broken.”

It felt like he’d just said a lot because well he had. Had admitted more than he intended to. He felt better saying it that was for sure, but it also hurt like hell too. Even after the first time he’d admitted trouble at home he’d sensed that undercurrent of disappointment from Steve that he hadn’t mentioned it then. And sometimes felt like Steve went easier on him than he should about this dishonesty. A part of him wondered if it was really there or just guilt on his part. He wasn’t sure. He was just too damn confused right now.

“You feel guilty about that don’t you?”

“Yeah.” He answered, not even bothering to deny it. He was just too damn tired. “But I’m kinda used to that feeling.”

“One of things I’ve noticed during my years of doing this is that guilt can be the most damaging emotion there is to the body and mind.” She explained to him, putting his hand on his flesh one. “Maybe we need to look into that a little more because I think it has something to with this cold you’ve been feeling lately.”

Bucky couldn’t help feeling a bit surprised by that, but strangely, not completely The worse he felt about himself the colder he got it seemed. He thought this whole time, believed that it was something they’d done to him, some trigger or something but there was a small, growing idea in his head that maybe he was doing it to himself. He was wasn’t 100 percent sure of it though. He wasn’t sure of anything really. But he doubted his own sanity enough sometimes to believe it was very possible. 

“I’m doing it to myself aren’t I?” He asked, swallowing hard at that possible reality.

“Nothing is certain, but I think it’s very possible.” Amelia confirmed to him. “You may be punishing yourself internally now and that’s a big concern. Because it affects you physically regardless of the cause, as you can see.” She squeezed his hand gently. “I think if we figured out what triggered it in the first place it might be the key to helping you feel better.”

Bucky searched himself going back a few days in his head. “It started like this a couple of days ago.” He told her, scrunching his face as he was thinking. “I started feeling really cold. I’ve had spells before this is.. different.”

He talked about it for a while with her, feeling mentally exhausted by the time he was done, got a bit restless as well. Like if he sat still too long he’d get cold again. But he could go very far because, while he wasn’t at the moment hooked up to the IV, he was still hooked up to the machine keeping his blood warm. So he settled for getting up as much as he could and sat on the edge of the bed, back facing the door and looked out the window instead. Not giving a fuck if his ass was showing or not at this point.

Bucky’s hands both clasped the side of the bed and he could feel the tape wrapped around the unattached catheter on the right, and the insane urge to pull it off and dig into that wound the metal one. So he willed himself to keep It braced on the bed. To control his itchy anxiety and its need to bubble over. People who didn’t suffer this didn’t understand what it was like, it felt like pressure building inside you and all you wanted to do was release it, no matter how dangerous it could be.

Because whatever method of release it was, it was better than this internal pressure.

He was still sorting out what they’d been talking about, trying to find the trigger moment. There was a tickle in his head, sort of like when Steve had said his name on the street that day. It was like something just on the edge of his memory and he couldn’t quite get it. Part of him wondering if whatever this was had been transferred into some pain zone and that was why he couldn’t get it. It was driving him crazy. Because he knew Amelia was right, he need to figure this out or this would keep happening, and even his advanced body would not be withstand that cold forever.

All he knew was that maybe it was tied up in his guilt and if he could just… get past it enough he could figure it out.

He had been lost in these thoughts he hadn’t heard the door open behind him until he heard a familiar voice. “You realize your ass is showing right?”

Bucky turned, smiling as he saw Steve there with some coffee in his hand and a smile on his face. “Since when do you complain about that punk?” He asked and nodded to the coffee in his hand. “Is that for me?”

“Yes, it is actually.” Steve answered, walking around the bed to where Bucky was. “And I’m not complaining.. but I don’t want just anyone to see that but me.”

Maybe because he was a bit keyed up, but he noticed something strange about Steve’s over all demeanor. Not in a bad way, but in a curious way. Liked he’d learned something that had shifted his world view or something. He wanted to ask but for some reason didn’t.

Instead he watched as Steve handing him the coffee and then proceeded to not only fix his gown, but to put the blanket back over his shoulders before siting down next to him. There was something so sweet and simple about this gesture that always made his eyes sting just a little. Those tiny little things Steve did sometimes to make him feel comfortable and safe, were sometimes more profound to him than the grand gestures. It showed his true colors more than anything.

“And here I just thought you were being protective Rogers.” He teased as he drank his coffee. “Turns out your just possessive of my ass is all.”

Steve smiled and gave said ass a little pat through the blanket. “Just marking my territory that’s all.”

“Don’t worry punk.” He reassured him, his hooded eyes looking at him over his coffee cup, still trying to read him a bit. “That’s for your eyes only.”

Among other things, he thought to himself. He let Steve put his arm around him and just leaned against him, still sort of starting out the window. Not that there was much of a view, just a bunch of building. He felt an insane urge be at the Lake instead of here, where all he saw was mountains. Or even Hawaii again with its ocean view. Somewhere with fresh air. Anywhere but the stuffy confines of the city. As much he loved Brooklyn, there was just something about wide open spaces that still appealed to him.

“So how you feeling now?” Steve after some prolonged silence. “Any better?”

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly, leaning his head against Steve’s shoulder. “I’m little warmer but I think thin that’s just the fluids.”

“You still look exhausted.” Steve told, reaching up to brush his hair out of his eyes. “Maybe you should get some more rest.”

Bucky tensed at that suggestion. “I don’t need any more rest.” He snapped a little, actually getting up, not that he could get far with that damn thing in his nose still. “I feel that that’s all I do is ‘rest’ and ‘sleep’ and ‘de-stress’. “ He ran his hands through his hair fretfully. “It’s fucking annoying!”

“Hey it’s alright.” Steve told him, getting up as well and putting his hands on his arms. “Calm down.”

“I wish people would stop telling me to calm down too!” He snapped again, just needing to release some tension. “Like I’m a fucking 5 year that needs a nap!”

He knew his heartrate was going up and they might get concerned and come in. And the state of mind he was in it might not be a good idea. At these times the Soldier was closer to the surface, and if he slipped into without trying right now it wouldn’t be good. Especially if strange people came in. So he knew why Steve was trying to calm him now, but he just couldn’t help stressing out.

“I hate being here.” He hissed at him, even the anger wasn’t at him per say. “I fucking hate it.”

“I know you do Buck.” Steve told him in soothing voice., lifting his hand off his flesh arm to touch his face. “I understand but you do need to calm down.”

Bucky realized Steve was holding his metal arm down, the one that tended to react more when he was under duress. It was a smart move, one born of experience. The hand on his face was much more effective, because it was soft and soothing, one flinger flicking a stray strand of hair out of his eyes. He started feeling calmer, even the rivets on his metal arm were relaxing, the fist uncurling.

“Let’s get you back in bed okay?” Steve continued to say in that soothing tone. “You don’t have to go to sleep if you don’t want to, you just need to relax.”

Bucky nodded and let himself be helped back into said bed. Steve then sat down on the side of it and let Bucky lay his head on his shoulder flatly now before wrapping the blanket around him. It was comfortable and felt himself relax again, even though he was too damn wired to go to sleep.

“You know I forget to mention this earlier but.” Steve spoke into his hair, and Bucky swore he could feel him smile as he said. “You always did look hot in a hospital gown.”

Bucky chuckled against his shoulder. “You’re so full of shit punk.” He retorted. “You always think I look hot.”

“Well because you are.” Steve countered back. “But still, you could be the model for the catalog if they had one.”

He did more than just chuckle at that one, he outright bellowed laughter, burying his face against Steve’s to stifle himself. “Hospital chic..” He gasped between spasms of laughter. “Start of a new fashion trend…”

Caught up in the amusement of the moment, Bucky would realize later it was the first time in a few days when he didn’t feel the cold at all. It wouldn’t last, but for now it was a nice reprieve just to laugh. To feel normal again.

“I could be your photographer.” Steve suggested pulling out his phone. “Could take a few headshots right now…”

Bucky went to grab his phone from him. “Rogers I swear to God if you take a picture of me like this…”

“Too late.” Steve teased, holding the phone just out of reach and taking a picture. “Looks like a good one too.”

He glared at him as he stuffed it back in his pocket. “You gotta sleep sometime punk and when you do I’m gonna-“

Steve just kissed him then, completely distracting him from what he was going to say. And once again he let him distract him, just laid back on the bed and pretended for a little bit, that he wasn’t where he was and that was a great reprieve.

—

Steve was more than happy to distract him for a bit. It gave him time to formulate how he was going to tell him the news. In the meantime he was appreciating him in the moment.

He had meant what he said when it came to how he looked in that moment, his eyes blazing with frustrated anger, the gown flapping with every moment, revealing various patches of skin and how little he was wearing underneath it. His hair looking unwashed and bit on the wild side. As much it hurt Steve to see the catheter back in his arm, the sensors on his head as well that nose tube, the overall picture was strangely appealing in other ways.

He looked so vulnerable yet so defiant at the same time. Not settling or giving up, still fighting even if didn’t realize it yet. It was what was making him so attractive in such a rough state.

And to hear him laugh like that, to play around like that was always a blessing, because he was even more beautiful when he laughed. The way his nose crinkled cutely as he buried his face into his shoulder. Of course he’d had to take a picture in spite of his protests. It had just given him to perfect excuse to kiss him mid-sentence like he liked to do a lot, cutting off his words and laying him back on the bed and just… enjoying the moment for what it was.

“I meant what I said thought jerk.” He told him in a voice barely above a whisper, pulling his lips away. “You’re beautiful… even like this.”

Bucky bit his lower lip in that shy way. “Stop it punk…” He said in a low voice, brushing those precious lips over Steve’s. “You’re making me blush.”

Sliding his hand under the blanket and gown he rubbed that bare hip as their lips me againt. “All the better..”

The kisses they sharing at that moment was very intense considering the circumstances, their tongues wrestling together sweetly again. Bucky’s metal was hand in his hair, tugging it slightly. That hand that was on his hip had slid down and was caressing his ass softly under the gown, which felt very warm indeed. A reaction to his touch Steve knew and he loved that. He heard Bucky moan slightly into the kiss and shift himself against that hand and it was very hard to pull him away. Ridiculously hard actually.

“You know we aren’t exactly alone jerk.” He reminded him. “And you’re not exactly in the best condition.”

Bucky smiled, his eyes gleaming a little. “When has that every stopped us before punk?”

He had a point, but Steve looked at him and he was still hooked to a few things. The sensors were even on his head. That with the nose tube and the IV catheter enough to remind him of all of it. But he also still looked dangerously attractive as well, and he wondered just how much they could get away with in spite of his better judgement. Feeling an urge to warm him up even more, to relax him like Pam said.

Speaking of that the sensors, they did have to talk. But the way he was looking at him with his eyes hooded wearing that gown didn’t help focus him at all. It was distracting him further actually.

“You know you’re a bad influence on me Sergeant Barnes.” He told him, patting his ass a little more.

“Oh don’t blame me for your urges Captain.” Bucky countered, that metal hand digging into his hair again. “You’re no choir boy yourself.” He grinned knowingly at him. “I know you very well..”

He looked down at him again for a moment, lifting his hands up to put them on his face. And just searched his eyes, looking into them, deep into them, below the veneer of his saucy behavior, just wanting to know just how he was really feeling before he talked to him about tomorrow. Especially after his little outburst earlier. Those stormy blue eyes were very easy to get lost in if you didn’t know how to navigate them. Even more if you allowed their siren son to distract you.

“I’m okay punk.” Bucky said after a moment as if reading his mind. “Not perfect but okay.”

“You got that one backward jerk..” He corrected. “You are perfect.. but I know you’re not okay yet as much as you want to be.”

“I know I’m not.” Bucky admitted, resting his head on his now folded metal arm as they shifted to lay side by side. “I haven’t been as okay as wanted to be for a long time.” He let his flesh arm wrap around Steve’s waist as they lay close together. “Since we were kids actually.. I got pretty good at pretending.. “ He kept his eyes averted a that moment. “And.. lying I guess and.. I’m sorry about that.”

Steve could sense the shame he had over this and realized Bucky still thought he was mad or should be over it. He could see in the downcast eyes and the chewing of the lip. He put his hand back on his chin and lifted it to look in those troubled blue eyes again.

“I’m not mad Buck.” He assured him but decided to be honest. “I was at first but… I understand why you didn’t tell me now.” 

Bucky bit his lip and pulled his forehead against his. “You know it was a lot harder than you think it was to lie to you. though” He was told, hearing a hitch in is voice as he spoke. “There were so many time I wanted to just tell you everything and it took all I had..” He closed his eyes and shivered slightly. “Every time I thought about it, I found a reason not to… I just.. didn’t know how to be honest with you then.”

“I know.” Steve told him, letting his hand wrap around him again. “It’s okay.”

“Even with that you… still knew me better than anyone.” He said in a quiet voice. “You always knew the real me.. I never had to pretend I was something I wasn’t.” He smiled and nuzzled Steve face. “I was always just me.”

Steve knew they both had that with each other. They were the only ones who truly knew the other. Knew everything that mad them who they were. There were no masks or superhero personas there was just their real faces in all their flawed vulnerability. Like now.

He didn’t respond with any words just another kiss, just as heated as the last two, puling him more into his arms and feeling that metal arm wrap around his neck in response. He had not only not mentioned his new but that he’d put that sign on the door before he came in. The one that guaranteed them wouldn’t be disturbed. That gave them privacy while he took care of him. Relaxed him. And told him the news, which could have good or bad results depending on Bucky’s reaction to it. It was going to wait a little longer right now.

“I can warm you up a little more..” He said as he leaned over him, hands already under the gown now. “If you want me too that is.”

Bucky smiled at him at them, that smile that melted so many hearts when he was younger. And still did now. “I think you know the answer to that punk.”

The bed was big enough for both of them it seemed, but Steve was still very careful to not disrupt any wires or pull anything loose. He was extremely gently with him right now in general. Using his hands and lips to warm him up. He wasn’t planning on taking anything for himself just yet, it was all about taking care of Bucky right now. He knew Bucky would rerun the favor when he was well enough. He always did. With relish

Using one hand to massage him internally, he entwined the fingers of his other hand into the ones on Bucky’s flesh hand, the one with IV catheter in it, to keep it still and steady. Bucky’s metal hand went where it wanted however, and it was embedded in Steve’s hair, pulling it gently in response to what he was doing that other hand. A gasp from came from him that sounded half like a shuddery sob and Steve just had to look up at him, seeing his eyes open and staring at ceiling as if actively fighting back his emotion.

“Whatever it is Buck.” He said softly, looking up at him. “Just let it out..”

“You’re just feel so warm inside me and…” Bucky seemed to whimper, his eyes full of pain as he stared at the ceiling. “I don’t deserve it..” His chest seemed to hitch, like admitting this was difficult. “I don’t’ deserve to be warm.”

Letting go of his flesh hand, Steve wrapped it around his waist and held him to him, continuing to just slowly massage him internally, using more fingers now. “Yes you do.” He said against his stomach, lifting him up against it and pushed a little with those fingers.. “You always have.”

He heard him whimper again as he was brought to a sweet release, both his hands tangled in Steve’s hair. He pressed his face more into his stomach and felt him shudder as it rolled over him.

Steve then gathered Bucky up into his arms before he had a chance to even shake it out. Fully encircling his shaking body in to his. He was shuddering hard but not with the cold this time, with the internal pain that was partially causing that cold. He stroked his hair and held him close, Bucky knees and curled up between them. Rarely did he let himself be this vulnerable, but today the touch exterior had been hard to maintain. And he always wanted him to know it was okay to be like this. That it was okay not to okay sometimes.

“I’ll always keep you warm I promise.” Steve sad soothingly into his ear as he held him like that. “Whether you think you deserve it not jerk.”

Bucky nodded and lifted his head finally, looking emotionally drained but more together now, even if he still seemed to clutch Steve and had no desire to move yet. He leaned his face against Steve’s and took a shuddering breath.

“What a hot mess I am.” He lamented, chuckling a little. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Well you’re kind of beautiful mess if you ask me.” Steve told him, brushing his hair with hand.

Bucky lifted his head and his eyes, his own a little red with emotion. Looking very raw at the moment. “Look at what I’m doing to myself.” He said ruefully, a soft shiver going through him. “I’m putting myself in a deep freeze cause I can’t deal with my shit.” He put his hand on Steve’s face and swallowed. “And I’m putting you through hell again.”

He could see Bucky completely accepting the idea that was all psychological. Like he was taking the blame for it all. He knew he had to tell him the truth, tell him what he knew and let him digest it.

“It’s not all in your head Buck.” He said finally, his hand on his head. “Pam sent your scans to Shuri and she found something.” He put his other hand on his face and held it. “And they might be able to fix it.” 

He sat there for a moment and watched Bucky’s face as he registered this information. Waiting to see how he would respond to this new information. He just held his face, looked in his stormy eyes as he digested it.

“Did they say what it was?” He asked after a few minutes of silence, his face still neutral. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Not specifically yet.” Steve told him, holding his shoulder because he didn’t look steady. “Just said she’s coming tomorrow.” He lifted his hand and held his face again. “Are you okay?”

Bucky blinked and just leaned back into him again. “I don’t know.” He replied, his voice still a bit flat. “I guess I’ll find out won’t i?”

He seemed to be, once again, in a weird state of shock. He needed time to let this sink. So Steve just wrapped him back up in his arms, resting his shin on his head and let him do just that. And let himself do it as well, taking his own comfort from comforting him.

“Whatever happens we’re gonna get through it I promise.” He whispered into his hair. “Together.”

Bucky just nodded slightly against his chest and stayed silent for a while and that perfectly fine for Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna dive right in cause I shortened my notes last time (short on time and a variety of other reasons) because now I have the time to cover some more ground so lets go. 
> 
> The story Bucky tells, while maybe not the worst kind of abuse you cold think of, is no less traumatic because anyone can the emotional aspects of abuse are just as bad as the physical if not worse. What I was trying to convey was the overall mentality Bucky had while growing, the idea of praise and approval. And taking what he could get of that. That along with an uncanny ability to put a different public face may have made him more susceptible to the later torture and abuse as a result. It allowed Hydra to manipulate him psychologically as a result. A lot torture and brainwashing does involve finding the weakness in the targeted individual. Using the information to break them down and build them up again, which you saw glimpses of here. 
> 
> Bucky's relationship with his parents, like with anyone is a central part of who he was as well, as it is with anyone. And Hydras ability to manipulate those feelings is horrible, but now that Bucky understands that part of it, he has, even though he doesn't know it, turned a corner there. Understanding that allows him to reassess and start to really break out of that midnset. 
> 
> The cold has been a theme through Bucky's life and even though this chapter hints at his current affliction as purely psychological as you can see, it might not be. There are conditions that can cause this, but his psychology plays a role in it no doubt. HIs PTSd is related to the cold in many ways, due to multiple traumas related to it. But as was hinted towards the end of this chapter, it's not the whole story of whats wrong with him. 
> 
> The whole idea that Bucky kept things from Steve when they were younger, and that Steve might feel a bit angry about this was an interesting conflict. When you assume you know everything about each other and then find out your partner was hiding something big from you can be jarring. But as was explained in this, Steve's anger wasn't just at Bucky but at himself as well for missing it then. He saw some signs and didn't pay attention to them. But as Amelia reminds him, he was a kid with his own problems, and Bucky like he said, was very good at hiding this from him as well. So I do like to address that element of the conflict too, it provides a little angst to the whole thing. 
> 
> Bucky's overall reason for hiding it was, as always, to protect Steve (and maybe himself a bit too lets be honest) and to keep him separate from it in a way. Steve was the one solid thing Bucky could really count on. As much stability he provided Steve, the opposite was true too. For Bucky Steve was the only one got to truly see him as he was, so their relationship is precious to him and he badly wanted to keep that separate from the internal chaos at home. 
> 
> I also like the idea noting how we often like to idealize our childhoods, thinking every was better than it actually might've been. That's not to say everyone's childhood is a mess, that vast majority of us grow up without major incident, but some tend to overlook the uglier things in our lives. Bucky needed to believe that his problems were strictly about Hydra and the war, just so he could deal with that, and now that he's been able to get some closure with that, the other stuff rears it's ugly head on him. The more layers you peal back, the more you find. 
> 
> The next chapter will feature the return of Shuri yaaaay I love her and badly wanted to bring the Wakandons back in some way so here they are :D And other characters will feature in the next one as we learned what Shuri found in those scans and the other cause of the coldness, besides just the the psychological. The Soldier will feature again, he wasn't much in this one because it was focused on Bucky's past quite and the smut factor was unusually low too, for obvious reasons but that will return too I promise. 
> 
> Anyways thanks you for the lovely comments per usual you guys have no idea how much I appreciate them. You guys inspire me as well to keep going so thank you so much and <3<3<3 and *hugs*s to you all :D


	35. The Switch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual (not that anyone goes there but you know haha)

It took him longer than he thought to digest the information that he’d just been given. Bucky had just about convinced himself that it was all in his head. That he was losing his mind all over again Which was eerily reminiscent of when the Colonel reappeared and he’d thought he was going crazy only to find out he wasn’t and the threat was all too real.

He should’ve been relieved, but instead he was pissed off. For a couple of reasons.

The first being the fact that they’d caused him, once again, to question his sanity when it was actually they’d done to make him that way. And the second reason, the big one. Just how much they’d managed to fuck him up, mentally and physically, without him even realizing it until now.

And lastly because, like the last time, he’d ended up in the hospital again.

When he’d finally emerged from Steve’s arms after what seemed like hours, he’d felt so ripped open and raw he didn’t even have the strength to put the cover back on his feelings. Because it wasn’t just anger he was feeling now once the news sunk in. There was a sense of hopelessness too. That no matter what he did, he was never going to get away from what they’d done to him. He would always be broken in some way and that thought was depressing as hell too.

He felt Steve’s hands on his face as he realized that Bucky had finally risen from his shoulder. “You okay?”

“No.” He answered without even hesitation. “I’m pretty fucking far from okay right now.”

“It’s gonna be alright Buck.” Steve said in that maddeningly soft voice. “I promise.”

Bucky shook his head and sat back against the pillow, crossing his arms defensively. “That’s just it Steve I’m not sure it is.” He told him, pulling his knees up a little. “Even if Shuri does have the answer and we figure it out there’s always gonna be one more damn thing wrong with me.” He let that frustration and anger show clearly. “All that shit they did… I’m broken beyond repair you know it.”

“You’re not broken Buck.” Steve replied leaning forward and bracing himself on arm. “Stop calling yourself that.”

“It’s the truth Steve.” He shot back. “Just because you refuse to see it doesn’t make it any less true.. I’m damaged good I always have been. Even before they fucked with me.” He crossed his arms a little more as if hugging himself tight now. “How long do you think you can keep putting me back together before you surfer permanent damage?”

“Are trying to protect me now is that what it is?” Steve asked, sensing where Bucky was going with this, and even looking a little angry. “It’s a bit late for that.” He put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and looked firm and hard into his eyes. “I suffered that damage a long time ago and you can’t save me from it.” He lifted one of those hands up and put it on his face in a gentle way. “And I don’t wanna be.”

Bucky swallowed hard, unable to not look in those and know the truth. That even if had the ability to push him away and protect him, Steve would never let him. They were permanently entwined in it together, for better or worse. He felt that sinking in his heart, that painful knowledge that Steve would rip that light and warmth right out of himself to save him if he had to. It made him want to cry a little more but he’d done enough of that shit lately.

“I know.” He answered instead, wrapping his hands around Steve’s arm again. “You were always glutton for punishment paunk.” He shook his head a little. “It’s like you like the pain or something.”

“Yeah maybe a little.” Steve told him, with a wry smile. “It’s a good kind of pain thought.” His thumb moving softly over Bucky’s cheek now, just under that annoying tube in his nose. “And I don’t think I can live without it now.”

Once again he felt he was going to break down and cry and it just pissed him off even more. “Jesaus fucking Christ you’re hopeless Rogers.” He said with a snap in his voice instead. “Sometimes I just wanna shake you until your nose bleeds.”

“Why because I won’t give up on you?”

He let go of his arms and crossed his again, feeling that urge to tear out that damn IV and scratch it bloody again. “Cause you’re still naïve enough to think to think you can save me that’s why.” He said that edge still in his voice. “It’s like you can’t get out that fucking superhero mode or whatever.” 

He knew he was being a bit mean, but he just felt so damn low right now it was just falling out of him. Causing some more self-loathing as result. The maddeningly urge to scratch and the cold that was starting creep back into his head again wasn’t helping. But he could see that even though he was saying these things, Steve wasn’t letting it get to him. And while it was irritating that he would just take it like that, there was also a comfort in it as well.

“You’re hurting right now.” Was his soft response, fingers brushing Bucky’s hair gently. “I get it.”

It pissed him off, because everyone always said they understood when he was sure no one really did. What it was like to be turned inside out like he had been. To have your brain so thoroughly fucked with and twisted to the point where you could no longer trust yourself anymore.

“No you don’t.” Bucky founding himself snapping back, still wanting to bite. “You have no fucking idea what this is like.” He felt his metal hand flexing into a claw as he talked. “What it feels inside my head. No one fucking does!”

His metal hand was a claw now and it took everything he had to keep it where it was, because it wanted to dig into flesh and just rip it apart. Any flesh at all. It made him feel dangerous and caused him to back up on the bed a bit.

“At least when they fucked with you they made you better.” He told Steve, just letting it fall out now. “They turned you into a hero..” He lifted his hooked metal hand in front of his face. “This is what they turned me into. So don’t tell me you understand it at all.”

He expected this statement to hurt Steve a little, but instead he just seemed to soften even more. He put his hand on his metal arm, not firm but sort of gently even as the hand turned in his grip and sort of dug into his wrist. He knew what Steve was doing, once again keeping that hand from where it wanted to go. To cause himself harm because the pressure was just so great inside him now. The cold and the burn existing strangely side by side. And the thing was, Bucky could actually feel sensations in that arm, could feel the warmth of Steve’s hand and it was calming the arm and the person it was attached to.

“You can say whatever you want to me.” He told him even as those metal fingers dug into his arm a bit. “You can scratch and bit all you want.” The rivets creaked as those fingers flexed and curled. “As long as you don’t hurt yourself Buck.. that’s all I care about.”

Bucky swallowed hard, seeing that metal hand finally relax in Steve’s soft grip. He looked back up at him with big eyes, feeling that terrible guilt and shame of just not deserving him at all. He felt a hot tear slip out, the only one he’d allow right now as he just stared at him, biting his lip.

“I’m sorry punk.’ He said in a slightly choked voice. “I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself and I really gotta stop that.”

“It’s alright.” Steve told him, just sort pushing him back against the pillow gently to lay down. “You got a right to feel whatever you want to feel okay?”

Laying back on the pillow, he watched as Steve straightened his legs out a bit, seeing those silly socks on his feet as he then pulled the blanket back over him. He flexed his metal hand, which was a bit calmer, but he was still worried about it. About what he’d do if those feelings came back and Steve wasn’t’ around to stop it. He just couldn’t trust himself right now he knew.

“Maybe you should umm use the restraint on this or something.” He suggested, holding that arm up. “You know… just in case.”

Steve shook his head and entwined his fingers into the metal ones, kissing the fingers. One of which bore his wedding ring. “You don’t need to be restrained Buck.” He said softly, looking at him over the fingers. “You’re not dangerous, except maybe to yourself sometimes.”

“That’s precisely why you should Steve.” Bucky answered, curling those fingers a bit. “I don’t myself not to… you know..”

He didn’t finish, but he knew Steve knew what he meant. Because he continued to hold and soothe that metal arm. Both of them knew there were restraints built into the bed just in case there was an issue. Bucky couldn’t always control his reactions when in the hospital. Most namely the Soldier’s reactions if he woke up at the wrong time. As much he hated the idea of putting a restraint on that arm, he was scared that he would hurt himself. Or worse, someone else.

“Please Steve.” He asked, his eyes begging him now. “Do it.. just in case.” The fingers of that hand sort of caressed his arm slightly. “It’ll.. make me feel better.”

He watched Steve sigh and reach down, finding the straps there. There were two, once for the elbow and one for the wrist. The wrist one had a pulley chain that allowed movement but the one just above the elbow was there to ensure he could not get leverage, because that’s where the strength in his arm came from. It was made from steel and Vibranium, specifically designed for his arm.

It was something Bucky had insisted on whenever he was here for the previously stated reasons. It was just safer that way when he was agitated like this. For everyone involved. So he watched Steve carefully do them so the arm was restrained but still allowed movement. There was no need to do it to the other, which was needed for the IV and fluids and to give him a sense of freedom. At least not yet that way.

Because he still got those same feelings when he was restrained. The old memories of the torture room. And the Colonel’s chambers would fly through his head whenever his arms were restrained. But he fought thought them like everything else because he really had no choice in the matter.

“I hate doing this.” Steve said while in finishing it up. “I wish you’d trust yourself a little more.”

“The way I’m feeling at this moment.” Bucky answered, looking up at him as he leaned over him. “It’s for the best.”

Truth was It probably should’ve been done earlier. But he wasn’t going to say that. He just let Steve brush his hair as leaned over him and smiled at him as bravely as possible. “But if you think about it punk it’s kinda kinky too.” He teased, trying to lighten the mood. “Cause I can’t get away and all.” He hooded his eyes a little in a saucy. “I’m completely at your mercy.”

“Cut it out jerk.” Steve told him, leaning over and kissing his head. “Save it for when we get home.”

“Maybe I will.” Bucky mused, pulling on the restraint a little. “I dunno punk I might wanna try it some time.”

Steve gave him a curious look at that. “You do?” He asked. “You sure about that?”

It really was one of the few areas they’d hadn’t forayed into in their experimentation, largely because of Bucky’s issues with restraint. Steve had bene reluctant to even broach that subject to be honest, respecting that after what Bucky had been through. But even though the fear was very much there, he was feeling it now with the restraints on his metal arm, there was still a curious part of him had been entertaining the possibility. Not yet though he knew. Sometime down the road maybe. Right now, there was still things to work through before he walked down that path.

“Yeah.” He confirmed. “Someday.”

He didn’t want to linger on that subject too long right now, because he was still on the fence about it and was too damn tired to have that conversation, which sometimes led to still very raw, tender places.. Plus he had another reason to want that arm restrained. Because he was afraid he would flip into the Soldier without an ability to control it. Especially when he was agitated like this. The Soldier was far worse with hospitals than Bucky was. But before he mentioned this or even dwell on the problems that would cause, there was a tap on the door.

“It’s alright.” Steve yelled out to their visitor. “Come in.”

It was Pam, who had some stuff with her as she came in. “It’s time for another infusion.” She told them apologetically. “I’m sorry to say.”

Bucky gave her a brave smile, in some ways happy for the distraction “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

“Did Steve tell you the news?” She asked, as she prepared to reattach his IV line.

“Yeah.” Bucky replied, watching what she was doing. “I heard.”

“She just contacted me again and says she’s on route.” She told him as the pump started up. “She told me not only that she thinks she knows what’s really going on with you, but she has a way to keep you warm until they get it done.”

“And what’s that?” Steve asked, his hand now resting on Bucky’s left shoulder.

“She didn’t specify but assured me that it will provide full body warmth for extended period of time.” She explained and then seemed to notice the restraint on Bucky’s metal arm. “Any reason why you did that?”

“A lot of reason.” Bucky told her, flexing the metal fingers. “Let’s just say it’s safer for everyone involved.”

She looked sad at that, had told him when he’d first insisted on it that it wasn’t necessary, but it kept it here on his request anyways. There was another on the right that was more conventional, with leather straps and he had a feeling he might have to have that one put on too. He was starting to feel a little slippy and spacey, hoping he wouldn’t flip but unable to guarantee it at this point.

“Well as much as I hate to say it, you shouldn’t really move this one for a couple hours while the infusion is going on.” She informed them. “So if you want me to put that one on too let me know.”

Bucky swallowed, hating that he had to do this, but knew it was probably a good idea. “Maybe you should.” He squeezed his eyes shut from a painful memory. “I can hurt people with that one too.”

Pam nodded and very carefully strapped his flesh arm in as well to stabilize it. The connection couldn’t be loosened or dislodged during this due to the fact that it was essentially taking his blood out and heating and putting it back into his body again. So keeping his arm still was necessary. So he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to relax himself as he was now essentially restrained to the bed for what was probably going to be a few hours. Which of course always brought back other kinds of bad memories.

“I’ll give you some more sedative to keep your agitation down too.” She told him, with understanding of his mental state as well. “It’s important you stay calm and comfortable until Shuri gets here.”

She told him she’d be back in about an hour or so to unhook and that was fine. He hoped he and the Soldier would sleep by then and wouldn’t even notice. Normally this was a job done by a nurse, but Pam made a special exception here because of Bucky’s was more comfortable with her doing it instead. When she had left for what she stated was a short working break, he was left to contemplate his current situation again. Having Steve there helped a lot per usual.

“You okay?” He asked him after a while, brushing his hair with his fingers. “Need anything.”

Bucky smiled up at him, feeling even more tired than before. But at least a little warmer now. “Just your company punk.” He told him, his eyes fluttering shut. “That’s it.”

“That I can do jerk.” Steve replied, giving him a soft kiss on the head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Fighting to keep his eyes open, he had a little more to say. “I actually do have couple other requests though.”

“Anything.”

“First of all…” He started, moving his hand enough in the restraint to touch his arm. “Make sure you get some rest too punk.” He stared as hard he could in spite of them wanting to close. “Please.”

Steve smiled down at him. “I’ll try.”

“No Rogers promise me.” He said adamantly, his fingers curling around his arm in spite of the restraints. “I want you to… take care of yourself too.”

“Okay I promise.” Steve relented, his other hand on Bucky’s face. “Anything else?”

There was that one more thing, the one that worried Bucky the most. Was causing him the most stress. “If he comes out Steve… keep him calm..” He asked, his eyes begging. “He’s not gonna understand.. he might panic…” The fingers curled around Steve’s arms as much as the restraint allowed. “Every time they.. put restraints on.. they hurt him.. so please… take care of him.”

“I will Buck.” Steve assured him, his fingers just brushing his hair now. “Now get some more rest okay?”

It was hard to fight the sleep that was overtaking him yet again. The feeling of the warmer blood being pumped back into his body, combined with Steve’s soothing hand and the sedative was overtaking him. Bucky finally allowed himself to give into sleep for a little while, knowing help was on the way now. It was comfort that allowed him to drift into what seemed like dreamless sleep for a while.

\--

He tried to keep his promise to get some rest, but it was hard. Really hard.

Seeing him in the restraints was hard as well, even though he understood it was a necessary evil. And it made Bucky feel better and in more control of the situation than he really was right now. But he didn’t have to like it himself.

Steve understood the orneriness of earlier too, that Bucky was very scared and when he was, that was when he bit and scratched the most. He was okay with that, but not with the sense that he was giving up on himself again. Calling himself broken and damaged was worse than anything he may call Steve during those moments. He’d rather take that anger than have Bucky turn it inward on himself again. 

So he just sat there for a long time just brushing his hair with his fingers and watching him sleep, while the machine warmed his blood again. Which was helping because he did feel less cold. But still not warm enough by any means.

Shuri could not get her soon enough in his mind and he really hoped that what she had would fix this. Because he didn’t know what to do if she couldn’t. And he did his best to hide these doubts and fears from Bucky because it wouldn’t help his mood any so it affect him like this.

It wasn’t long into this period of rest that he felt him stir and open his eyes. And look panicked Which could only mean one thing. “Hey..” He said reassuringly, standing up and putting both his hands on his face. “You’re okay.”

It was the Soldier, which Steve knew was another of Bucky’s reasons for wanting to be restrained. He also knew the Soldier would react badly to that too. So he had to do his best to keep him, because even now the heartrate monitor was starting to spike a bit in reaction to his circumstances.

“Steve?” He heard the Soldier say with a panic in his voice, metal arm pulling against the restraints.

“I’m here.” He responded, leaning closer. “You’re safe it’s okay.”

He saw the Soldiers eyes move wildly back and forth as if trying to find him in the room. Or maybe to assess threats. Find an escape route. Whatever it was he had to get him calm. So he leaned closer, still holding his face and gave him a soft kiss, causing his struggles to calm just a little.

As he pulled away he saw those wild eyes focus on him. “Why are we here?” He asked with a dangerous edge in his voice. “We don’t like it here.”

Steve stroked his hair, trying to further calm him. “I know.” He whispered to him. “Bucky is sick and we’re trying to help him.”

The Soldier’s seemed to do that thinking thing for a moment. Flicking to the right as if searching for information “Still cold.”

“Yes too cold.” He confirmed, putting one of his hands on the flesh arm to keep it steady. “You have to stay calm so we can take care of him.”

His confused and still slightly wild eyes flicked to his hands and saw why he couldn’t move them. Those blue eyes became a bit wider as fear set as well. But Steve stayed close, using his free hand to still just pet his hair softly.

“Hurt us?” The Soldier asked with that fear in his voice. “With the blue light?”

“No.” Steve reassured him. “They’re not gonna hurt you like that I promise.” He let his hand settle on his face, holding his eyes. “Do you trust me?”

He saw him nod slightly, his face pale, eyes wide. “Trust Steve.”

His fingers entwined with those of the flesh hand, keeping it pinned to the bed to keep him from moving it at all. He let the hand on his face slide into his hair and hold it softly as leaned his head against his. “It’s gonna be okay Soldier I promise.” He said quietly to him. “Just let us take care of you.”

The metal arm was able to move just enough for the fingers to cup Steve’s elbow in a soft grip. Steve could feel the tremble in his body and could only imagined what he’d been thinking when he woke up like this. Of all the times they’d put restraints on him before they’d hurt him. As tempting as Bucky’s allusion earlier was, he knew he himself would be reluctant to ever do that in any way knowing what he knew now.

“Cold.” The Soldier said again, barely above a whisper. “Scared.”

“I know you are it’s okay.” He replied, stroking his hair. “It’s okay to be scared.”

He wanted to take him out of those restraints, but he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea, especially if someone else came in. And there was something so painfully beautiful about him right now. That wild, almost feral look he had on his pale face, just on the edge of being dangerous if pushed. Juxtaposed with the raw vulnerability so plainly visible. It made that fierce protectiveness increase even more now. And the anger that Hydra had done so much to him they were still figuring out even now.

“Steve will protect us…” The Soldier said as he turned his face more into Steve’s.

“Always Soldier.” Steve whispered back to him. “Always.”

He was kissed then, the metal fingers cupping his elbow, the closest he could get to putting it around Steve. But just because he couldn’t get his arms around him didn’t make this kiss any less intense. Their mouths parted, tongues moving softly against the other. Their fingers entwined in his flesh hand and pressing it softly into the bed. It was more than just a kiss of comfort, there was heat behind it. Wanting to do more but unable to.

His fingers were cold Steve noticed, causing him to pull back and look at him with concern. Even though his blood was being warmed, the cold was still there, and when he looked at that hand he saw it was slightly discolored now. And not from the IV. Because the circulation was slowing down, concentrating the warmth in the center of his body, leaving the extremities unprotected.

“We’re cold.” The Soldier confirmed, looking even more terrified now. “Can’t feel it…”

Steve nodded and quickly found the glove they’d used earlier and put it over the hand, trapping any heat he could. He looked back at him with his own worry and fear showing in his eyes. That worry that might be running out of time now. He once again entwined his fingers in the now gloved hand and held it tight against the bed, trying to keep it warm. To stall the clock as much as possible.

It was killing him that he just couldn’t help him. That he couldn’t fix this.

“I don’t know what to do Soldier.” He blurted out, just unable to keep it in now. “I’m sorry.”

It was the closest he could come to admitting just how helpless he felt about the whole situation. He just bent his head and leaned it against his, taking a sobbing breath. He had all this strength and abilities but none of them have ever been instrumental in helping the person he loved the most overcome everything that had been done to him. He couldn’t save him when he needed and he just.. couldn’t help him now.

He felt that gloved hand flex in his, metal fingers holding his elbow. “Steve does help us.” The Soldier said softly, almost in his ear. “Because Steve loves us.”

Just that statement was enough to loosen him further, because he understood inside what the Soldier was saying. Love was what he gave him. It was all he could do, and he did wonder if it was enough. The thought caused him to break down even more and he found himself laying as much as he could, on the bed, keeping their hands clasped together. Burying his face in his shoulder and letting those feelings out because he too damn tired to even try to hold them in.

And the Solider could just get that metal arm on him enough too, as if comforting him as much as he could. “We love Steve.” He whispered, nuzzling his face into Steve’s hair as he did. “Steve keeps us warm.”

Feeling this comfort, through words and touch, Steve actually fell asleep for an hour just like that, only woken up by Pam coming back to check on him and possibly remove the machine But Steve, upon waking and seeing her knew it was likely to stay on him most of the night. Especially if she took his temperature right now.

“Sorry to wake you.” She said with a soft smile. “How’s he doing?”

Steve looked down, expected to see a panicked Soldier, but instead he just saw a sleeping Bucky. He looked back up at Pam and motioned to his glove covered hand. “It was getting cold and discolored and so I put it back on.” He didn’t even try to hide how worried he was at this point. “He’s getting worse isn’t he?”

She pulled the glove off briefly before putting it back on and taking his temp. “His temperature is not going up as much as I would like no.” She confirmed and reached over, putting her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. “Help is coming Steve I promise.”

“But is it coming soon enough?” He found himself asking. “He’s so cold.”

Pam just looked at him sympathetically. “We have to have faith.” She told him. “It’s all we can do right now.” She looked back down at Bucky and smiled softly. “And he’s a fighter this one.. my moneys on him.” She then looked back at Steve, concerned. “How much sleep have you gotten?”

Steve knew he looked like hell so there was no point in lying. “An hour if that.”

“You need to sleep.” She admonished. “I’m sure he wants you to get your rest too. You might be stronger than most, but you are not immortal.”

He nodded, knowing he needed to sleep more, it was hard to take his eyes off him though. Afraid that if he did, he’d freeze to death in the middle of the night. He watched as she reset the machine indicating they were going to run it longer. There really was no choice right now. He also saw her remove the restraint on his flesh arm as well. She saw his questioning and explained it.

“It’ll help with circulation if he came move it a little more.” She told him and added some more tape to the line to keep it more secure. “We’ll just keep the glove on his hand for now to keep the warm around his fingers.”

She also checked his feet, he still had the socks on, and while they were still a little cold, they weren’t in a danger zone yet. Bucky, or the Soldier, whichever one it was, slept through all of this without stirring.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t woken up at all.” He said as his way of asking if this was normal.

“He’s in a deep sleep state.” She explained as she checked his vitals. “It’s actually a good thing because its conserving his bodies energy so it can concentrate on keeping him warm.” She gave Steve a reassuring smile. “So don’t worry.. his heartbeat is good and healthy at the moment.”

With that reassurance he let out a breath and took his hand again, squeezing it. “Thank you.” He told her, meaning it sincerely. “For everything.”

“I’m just doing my job but you’re welcome.” She replied, pushing some hair that fell out of her ponytail, and put her hand on his shoulder. “Now get some rest yourself.. if anything I’ll be alerted immediately.” And then she added. “And by that time Shuri will be here and we’ll have more answers.”

For some reason that comforted him more than anything and after Pam had left, he laid back down next to him on the bed, holding his flesh in his as he did. “I love you jerk.” He whispered to him, wherever he was. ”Don’t you go anywhere on me you got that?”

He felt himself drift off and felt, or thought he felt, that hand squeeze his as if in answer to that.

He fell asleep completely and didn’t wake up until early morning, seeing the sun peek through the curtains as he did. He was relieved for two things. That nothing had gone wrong in the nigh, Bucky was still there and very much alive in his arms. And that the calvary had arrived in the form of the Princess of Wakanda herself.

“Captain Rogers.” He heard her voice say, waking him from sleep. “It’s good to see you again, even under these circumstances.”

Steve smiled a hazy smile, knowing he probably looked like hell, all unkempt and all. And curled up around Bucky like a barnacle on the side of a boat. Her amused look at this was more than enough to set him at ease at least. She was, as always a bright vision whenever she appeared.

“It’s good to see you too Your Highness.”

“We don’t have time for pleasantries right now unfortunately.” She informed him, with some of her team and Pam with her. “We have a lot of work to do. But the first thing we need to do is get him as warm as possible.” With Pam’s help she directed what was needed to be brought with them. “We have equipment that will do just that and then we can get to work.”

Bucky didn’t even wake up, which would’ve been concerning to Steve, but his vitals still looked good. He still clasped his u restrained flesh hand in his own just the same. “I can come with him right?” He asked concerned about this. “If he wakes up and I’m not here…”

“Of course you can.” Shuri told him, nodding to her team to begin moving him. “You’re needed there too for many reasons. And not just comfort. Any information you can provide will be vital to his recovery.” She smiled broadly at him. “It’s not like I could keep you away anyways.”

As they were moving him through the halls, Bucky sleeping the whole way Steve turned to Pam questioningly. “Do you have any idea what they’re going to be doing?”

“Not a lot, but she said she’s keeping me in the loop.” Pam answered, checking Bucky’s temperature as she was talking to him. “All I do know is right now that her only requirement was a large room to work in and her people were here hours ahead of her setting it up.”

Steve just looked down at Bucky, brushing his hair as Pam gave him more of the sedative, most likely to keep him calm during any of this. “Thank you for calling her because I…’ He pausing to take a breath. “I didn’t even think of it.”

“You can be excused for being distracted.“ Pam assured him. “And there’s no need to thank me, I was at my wits end and was on the phone with Sam and he’s the one that mentioned it so neither one of us thought of it.”

Steve smiled at that, Sam came through again of course. Always the level-head one. “Is he home yet?”

“Yes he just got home actually and says he’s coming in to offer some moral support. “

Steve let his hand slide down and grasp Bucky’s hand again. “That we definitely need a lot of right now.”

Bucky’s hand moved in his as if he was aware to some degree of what was going on. A brief movement but and encouraging one. Pam was right about him. He was a fighter and always would be. And that thought alone was giving Steve hope more than anything. He wouldn’t go down without a fight. Anymore than Steve himself would’ve.

“Yeah.” Pam agreed as got into the elevator. “We can use all the help we can get.”

\--

Bucky was aware on some level of being moved but it was similar to the other times he was in the hospital. And also terribly similar to when he was being moved out of the ice chamber as well. Cold and confused with blurred images and flashes of light as he was dragged unceremoniously to the next horrible destination.

The difference here was, these people were much gentler with him. And he could hear familiar voices as well.

He could hear Steve, feel his presence even in the deep cold he now felt himself in all over again. He’d felt warm for a while, but he was sinking into it again and could barely feel his extremities now. If it wasn’t for a warm hand on his he might’ve believed in his confused mind that he was back in Siberia, in that cold pit where it was never warm.

“Steve?” He asked weakly, clutching at the hand that was holding his. “Steve?”

And he heard that voice, that warm voice responding from far away. But not too far away thankfully. “I’m right here Buck it’s okay.”

The next thing he felt was being lifted off of the bed he’d been laying on and put into a different one. This one had smooth, rounded sides on it he could feel even in the depths of the cold. It was warm all around actually, surrounding him like a blanket even though he didn’t feel an actual blanket. But this warmth was bringing him back to consciousness again and he gradually became aware of his surroundings again.

He was inside something, it seemed to glass or something like it, almost like a tube and to him it looked very similar to the cryo-tube in Wakanda. Even had the same restraining mechanisms. The only differences were that the front part was not close, at least not yet. And that it was warm and not cold.

But still it made him claustrophobic just the same. Very much so. Which must’ve shown on his face. Because he heard another familiar voice and turned to face it.

“It’s alright Sergeant Barnes.” Shuri told him, smiling down at him. “We’re just trying to keep you warm until we can fix this.”

Bucky smiled at her, unable to help himself. Something about her seemed to bring that out of him. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Buck?” 

“You were a Sergeant weren’t you?” She asked him with a wry smile. “I was taught respect by my father and brother and you have more than earned that.” There was some sass in her eyes along with that smile. “So I will continue to call that title you that whether you like it or not.”

Bucky nodded, knowing argument was fruitless. He didn’t always care to go by the title, except as a pet name by Steve but he was learning accept it again. It felt odd to still be called it even now, but the Princess of Wakanda had reminded him that he still had that official title. And that it was about respect and for some reason that was allowing him to accept it again after all these years.

“So in case you’re wondering what we’re doing right now, we have retro-fitted one of cryogenic tubes to instead of cooling your body down, it warms it up.” She explained as she checked the panel on the side. “It works on the same principle, the tube usually keeps your body in a state of suspended animation by maintaining the same sub-freezing temperature, but this is doing the opposite. Keeping your body at a warm steady temperature instead surrounding it warmth“ She had a look that said she was a bit proud of herself for this. “It was actually quite easy to do.”

Bucky was actually quite amazed by her ability to not only figure these things out but to actually put them to work. She was like Stark that way, with maybe a little less ego. He looked around at it, still seeing the sliding door and feeling that claustrophobic feeling again.

“Will this have to.. close?” He asked, trying to hide his worry on this.

“Eventually yes unfortunately. “ She said regretfully. “The work we are doing will take a while and we may need to seal you in order to keep you warm while we’re doing it.”

“So what precisely does that work entail?” Steve asked from the other side of the tube, causing Bucky to look over at him gratefully. “How do we stop whatever this is?”

“When Sergeant Barnes was first with us, after we removed him from sleep.” She began to explain, while wheeling over what looked like smartphone device. “We did a multi-layered process of removing the trigger words that turned him into the Winter Soldier..” She hit a button and a hologram appeared above where Bucky was laying. He watched this, fascinated like he always was with these things. “It involved tracking those words to the part of his brin they were stored and essentially removing them.”

“How?” Steve asked, looking at what must’ve been a part of Bucky’s brain on the hologram.

“It involved memory recollection, in which we essentially reached into and extracted them thereby removing them so they could no longer be used on him. “ She continued, moving her finger the hologram to show the pathway they used. “It was not a pleasant process by any means, but nothing is when it involves the mind. Removing these things requires precise skill. It’s like laser surgery without the lasers.”

He could see Steve looked concerned at this. “Does it hurt him then?”

“It did unfortunately.” Shuri confirmed for him. “It is still a form of brain surgery after all just not as primitive as the ones they do here.”

Bucky didn’t remember a lot of this, his mind was still a bit choppy and confused at that point. He had vague notions of feeling like fingers were going through his mind, which had reminded him of the vague memories he had of the triggers being implanted in the first place. The aftermath of it had left him exhausted and a feeling of invasion again. Even though it was to help him, he recalled not wanting to be around anyone for a while, suffering from severe headaches and sleeping a lot after. But he was wondering why she was talking about this if they’d removed those words. And something came to him at that moment. Maybe they hadn’t gotten everything.

“Are there more in there?” He asked suddenly, feeling very scared now. “More trigger words?”

“I was getting to that actually.” She answered, and pointed at a section of the hologram. “See this? This is the area that contain the triggers, it’s lit up along with the pathway it took to your frontal lobe. That’s how we found it.” She then hit a button and the image changed. “These are the scans your doctor sent me and I immediately saw this.” She pointed to an area on that one. “These were taken last night from your sensors. Do you see it?”

He did and it terrified him. There was another lit up area just like the last one, with a slightly different lit up pathway. It was a trigger he knew it. Even if he didn’t quite understand how the brain map worked he knew it. Something had been lit up inside his head just like before. With a whole different result.

“You men this was a trigger?” Steve asked incredulously. “That’s what’s causing it.”

“I am certain of it.” Shuri answered and pointed to the pathway. “These signals go to the hypothalamus, telling it cool your body down instead of keeping it level like it normally would. It’s difficult to do but those… people did.”

“Why would they need to do that?” Pam asked, looking shocked herself. “What purpose does it serve to give him hypothermia?”

Bucky knew exactly what purpose it had. He could feel it in his heart. “To make it easier to freeze me as often as they did.” He said closing his eyes painfully. “That’s what.”

“He’s right.” Shuri answered, sounding a bit angry herself about this. “Normally you would not be about to freeze and re-freeze a living being, especially their brain, unless you have a method for cooling the body down beforehand. At least not without doing significant damages that is.”

“So wait.” Steve said as if realizing something. “If there’s a trigger than someone had to set it off then right?” Bucky could see his hands flex on the side of the tube and recognized that action as anger. “Son of a bitch.”

“Whether it was a deliberate or not is irrelevant right now.” Shui continued. “We have to remove any remaining triggers that are left in his head to prevent anything like this from happening again.”

“So then do it.” Steve said with that anger and concern still in his voice. “What are we waiting for.”

“We would but there is a problem.”

“What problem?”

Bucky knew what that was too as he lay there, feeling like a spectator in his own care. “We don’t know what they are.” He simply. “You can’t find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for.”

Shuri nodded at him. “Exactly.” She replied. “Before we knew what they were, which minimized the amount of time we had to spend inside his brain as a result. But without knowing our target we’d be flying blind Captain and we could more harm than good.” She got a bit of angry look again. “Those mad scientists did enough damage as it was. You should never play God with the human brain like this.”

Steve looked down at Bucky, worry all over his face. “You don’t remember them?” He asked carefully, putting his hand inside to touch his face. “Do you?”

His memories of them implanting the triggers were vague and fuzzy, deliberately so. Like the trigger removal it involved deep parts of the subconscious minds. Which also made it very traumatic to even try and touch or look at. It even hurt physically if he pushed too hard. That was something else from the removal, it gave him very bad headaches, worse than he had now. It was difficult to even try to think about it. So he shook his head, his face pinching painfully.

“I don’t.” He said regretfully. “I can’t even get close to any of that. It makes my head hurt.”

Shuri looked as if she understood this perfectly. “it’s very physically and emotionally traumatic to go into that part of the brain which is why we need to know exactly what we’re looking for.” She explained and looked at Steve with that same look. “I’m not going to monkey around in there like those quacks that called themselves scientists did.”

Steve looked frustrated again, running his hands over his face for a moment. “So we’re at a dead end then?”

“There are no dead-ends Captain.” Shuri told him adamantly. “Only answers that haven’t been found yet.”

Something tickled in Bucky’s brain at that moment. An inkling that was leading back to about a week or so ago. He was trying to think of what was pulling at him, forcing himself into a bit of headache because Steve looked so defeated at that moment and knew Shuri was right. There was a solution somewhere. And this thought process led him to him further back into the past. Back to Berlin.

_We only have to talk about one…_ he heard Zemo say in his head as slid something out of his bag. _Let’s talk about your home.. not Romania, certainly not Brooklyn.. your real home…_

The object he pulled out had terrified him, but Zemo had it because it had something he needed.

The words.. the ones that hurt his head and turned him back into the Winter Soldier.

Steve had asked him why he hadn’t destroyed that damn book yet and he’d answered _I don’t know_… but now he did know. At least a part of him had known then. 

“Steve?” He said suddenly, grabbing his arm, startling him.

“What?” Steve answered, along with everyone else, looking concerned. “Are you okay?”

Bucky shook his head at that. He felt tired and cold, but he needed to get his out. “The book Steve.” He told him, almost babbling now. “The trigger words were in the book that’s why Zemo had it.” He looked in his eyes and saw dawning realization. “Now I know why I didn’t… burn… it..” His grip loosened slightly as he felt a bit weaker. “I still… needed it..”

Shuri looked very interested from what Bucky could tell through his now fluttering eyes. “Where is this book?”

“It’s at home.” Steve said, looking up at her. “In the safe.” He pulled his phone out. “I gotta call Wanda and have her bring it here.”

Bucky was now having trouble keeping his eyes open at this point. Even though his body was warmer the cold was rampaging through his mind now and making him feel exhausted. But he willed himself to stay awake, to keep fighting through it a little longer.

And there was another problem he knew though even as he heard Shuri ask about it.

“You’re sure the trigger are in it?”

“They gotta be.” Steve said as he was about to call Wanda. “It makes sense because the other ones were in it. It’s like an instruction manual for the Winter Soldier basically.”

“It’s written in… old Russian…” Bucky pushed out, looking up at them both, his eyes darting back and forth. “And I’m the…only one who can… read it..”

Steve looked down at him before calling Wanda. “No your not Buck.” He was told. “I have a couple of phone calls to make.”

He was confused by this, his mind all kind of messed up now. What did he mean by that, hardly anyone spoke that dialect anymore its why they wanted him to translate it on his last trip to Germany. Was Steve just trying to protect him or something. He didn’t know. And it was starting to hurt to think anyways. All he could feel was the cold inside his head, like a freezer blowing on his face, obliterating the ability to think clearly. He saw the concern on everyone’s faces and knew his face was probably pale and his eyes a bit glassy.

“Your temperature is going down again.” Shuri said concerned as she read the display. “We’re going to have to close it for now Sergeant Barnes.”

The idea of this terrified him and clutched Steve’s arm a little more. He knew it was the only way, that he needed to be fully surrounded by the warmth. Sealed off. But he needed a moment first. “Don’t you go too far… away.. punk..” He whispered to him, pulling him as close as possible.

“I’m not planning to jerk.” He said to him and leaned in as far he could to kiss him softly. “I promise.”

Bucky was able to lift an arm around his neck to press his head against Steve’s. “And if he wakes up don’t let him panic okay?”

“I won’t.” Steve told him nuzzling his face. ‘I love you.”

Bucky smiled as bravely as possible. “I love you too punk.”

They stayed like that for just a moment, not caring that several others were observing it at all. They were among friends after all. And Shuri gave them all the time they needed before she was finally ready to seal him up inside.

Letting go of his shirt Bucky let himself lay back. And allowed the restraints to be fitted over his metal arm. In case of panic of course. He couldn’t control what the other did he knew. He laid back and held Steve’s eyes as the glass door closed, enclosing him in complete warmth and cutting off contact.

It was terrifying for him, but he held it together, telling himself it was to help him. They were not going to hurt him. Even though the old traumatic memories flowed through his head, he could still see Steve through the glass. Watching him make a couple of phone calls, never taking his eves off him even when he did.

They were going to fix this. He believed that. He had to. So he held onto that, keeping his panic, and the Soldier at bay for as long as he could. It was all he could now. The rest was out of his control.

But this time at least that control was in the hands of those who loved him instead those who’d hurt him. And he took comfort in that.

\--

Steve had to distract himself from the sense of helplessness and pain it brought to him to have to see Bucky that scared as the lid cut them off from each other. He’d remembered the way he’d looked the first time he’d watched into a tube like this and knowing what he knew now could remember how scared he was then too as much as he tried to hide it. But also how brave he was as well, hiding that fear behind a smile as best he could.

His only reasons for putting himself into it then, as in now, were protection of himself and of other. And Steve was pissed that he felt had to do it both times. But not at Bucky. At the ones who’d caused this in the first damn place.

So he made a few phone calls, first one to Wanda to give her the news and give her passcode for the safe so she could retrieve the book from it.

“You are aware I could open it without the code if I wanted to.” She told him on the phone. “Of course you’d’ probably need a new safe.. and possibly a new closet as well.”

“Yeah that’s exactly why I want to do the normal way.” He told her, chuckling a bit at that.

“He is okay right?” She asked, the worry creeping into her voice. “They’re taking care of him.”

“Yes they are.” He reassured her. “And bringing this will help tremendously. “

“Then I’ll be right there.” She told him and hung up.

Before his next call he took the time to think of what a strange turn of events it was that they actually needed that accursed book. That something that had caused him that much harm might actually save his life now. He hadn’t understood why Bucky had been reluctant to destroy it until now. It was almost as if on some level he’d known. Whatever the reason, whether it was that or pure luck or intuition, Steve was grateful they’d made the right decision. And even more grateful to Sharon for sending to him the first place.

The second phone call he made was to Tony. Who actually sounded like he was in the car. “I was just on my over Rogers.” He was told as he walked over to keep an eye on Bucky. “Press department is getting phone calls asking why Barnes is in the hospital again.”

Steve shook his head, it seemed like no matter what they did word always got out. But he knew the press would never get in, the security was tight with the Princess of Wakanda in the building. No one was getting through that wasn’t vetted and authorized beforehand.

“I’ll explain when you get here Tony.” Steve told him, getting right to the point. “I need your help.” He pulled up a chair next to the chamber they were keeping Bucky in. “I need you to find Natasha.. I know she’s on an op right now but I really need her here.” He put his hand on the glass, looking at Bucky , whose eyes were closed, but he could tell if he was sleeping or not. “It’s an emergency.”

“That’s a pretty tall favor Cap considering how covert this op is.” Tony told him, but he didn’t hear the argument he would normally hear in his voice. “I’m not promising anything, but I’ll do my best… see yat there.”

He thanked him and hung up. Hoping he could fight Nat, because other than Bucky she was the only person around that could translate that book for them. And he sure as hell was not going to let Bucky read it, whether he wanted to or not. He had and would put his foot down on that one.

“Hey.” He heard a voice, feeling a hand on his shoulder and looked up. “How you doing?”

He saw Sam looking down at him and didn’t bother to hide his thoughts. “I’ve had better days.”

“How about him?” Sam asked, motioning to a seemingly sleeping Bucky inside the chamber. “How’s he holding up?”

“Well he has to stay in this tube now or he’ll freeze death… in the middle of summer if you can believe that.” He told him, letting his frustration seep out. “All because those bastards planted all kinds of triggers in his head and someone set this one off somehow.”

“Can she fix it?” Sam asked, pointing Shuri, who consulting with Pam at the moment.

“Yes she can thankfully.” He said with a more upbeat tone. “But we need the Hydra book and a translator to do it if you can believe that. But fortunately they both might be on their way.”

Sam nodded and then asked an interesting question. “If they manage to fix this are you gonna leave it alone?” Was the question. “Or are we gonna have to keep an eye on you?”

Steve looked at him as if irritated that he read his mind so quickly. “What the hell does that mean?”

‘You know what it means.” Sam answered, looking at Bucky, who now had his eyes open and was just looking up at the ceiling through the glass.

“Someone did this to him Sam.” Steve told him angrily. “Someone set it off inside him and I wanna find out who.”

“So you can go all medieval on their ass?” Sam finished. “Let us take care of it Steve.. you just take care of him and yourself right now that ‘s your priority not vengeance.”

He wasn’t sure he could do that, but nodded just the same, keeping his eyes on Bucky. “I can’t promise anything Sam.”

“Well that’s the best I can hope for I suppose.” Sam replied, tapping on the glass and waving to Bucky, doing some weird hand signal, probably something between them, causing him to seemingly chuckle and return it. “Now that I I’ve said hi to my favorite asshole I should probably go see my wife cause man does she looked tired.”

“You should.” Steve agreed. “She’s been going all night.” 

Pam did look tired and immediately hugged Sam as Shuri continued to calibrate equipment behind them. “Lot of lovey dovey in here.” She declared one point. “I’m getting a toothache.”

Wanda showed up not long after that, with a concerned look in her hazel eyes as she looked over at Bucky. “Here it is.” She said to him, handing him the book like it was a hot plate. “I hate even touching this thing.”

Steve looked down at it and back at her. “Me either but we need it.” He told her, seeing her continue to look at Bucky with that worried look. “You can go see him. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.”

She nodded to him and then went over, taking the chair that Steve had been using. He watched her knock softly on the glass and saw Bucky turn his head to her and smile, putting his flesh hand on the side of it. She covered it with her own and leaned forehead against it. The love she had for him was almost like a sibling love and it was so clear in that moment. She’d do anything for him and already had.

When Tony arrived not long after, Shuri looked exasperated. “So much for security detail..” She called out, her accent even more prominent. “Any more visitors I’m gonna have to start charging admission.”

“Calm down Cheetah.” Tony called back. “I’m just here to help.’

Steve supposed the nickname was just a reference to the spotted outfit she had on but the tone of affection was there for a fellow genius. Whatever it was Shuri gave him an irritated look but also one that understood she could use all the help she could get even if she didn’t think she needed it.

“Did you find Nat?” Steve asked, getting right to the point.

“I did and she and Barton are wrapping up there.” Tony informed to his relief. “She said she’ll be here as soon as possible and she has a Qunjet so that could be any minute.”

“Quinjets are archaic.” Shuri called out again, unable to resist being competitive. “Mine is much faster.”

“Did you hear that Rogers?” Tony observed as he flipped his sunglasses up onto his head. “I can’t let that challenge go can I?””

“Of course you can’t.” Steve mused, happy for the distraction. “What did you tell the press?”

“I told them what I always tell them.” Toney answered, looking around at the setup of the room. “ ‘None of damn business’ and ‘no comment’” His attention went to where Bucky was now resting, his eyes narrowed at bit in concern. “So what is wrong with him now?”

He explained for the second time what was going on, feeling like he needed to have to cue cards or something but Tony seemed rather interested not just in the impact it was having on them, but also on the tech being used as well.

“Well I’ll be around Rogers.” He told him, giving him a pat on the shoulder. “See if she needs anything and to defend the honor of my tech.” He turned as he was walking away. “Besides its nice to have someone besides Banner to speak nerd to sometimes.”

Steve knew that was Tony’s way of saying he was here for support too. The more the merrier in spite of Shuri’s irritation at the amount of visitors. There would be one more coming soon he hoped. And then maybe they could actually work on fixing this. And even though he knew he had to focus on Bucky, his mind kept turning to whoever had triggered this in him. If it was in fact deliberate on their part, he would show them the meaning of the word ‘cold’.

He knew there was nothing he could do but wait for Nat now, so he sat down next to Wanda and felt her take his other hand as he did. She had the other one pressed to the glass and turned her head slightly to him, a soft smile on her face.

“He’s scared.” She told him, her hand squeezing his. “But he’s more worried about you than himself.” She lifted his hand and put it with hers, where Bucky’s was still pressed lightly on the other side of the glass. “You don’t need to touch him to feel it.”

It was strange but he could. It was almost like Wanda was a conduit that allowed him to. He still wanted to touch him though. To hold him and kiss him. To have him back in bed and keep him warm in the conventional way. To feel that metal hand in his hair and his legs around him, holding him to him. He saw Bucky turn his head and look at him as if he knew what he was thinking and wanted this too. Biting his lip with that look in his eyes and Steve wanted to just climb in there with him. If only he could.

They’d been through longer and more thorough separations than this. Ones that spanned years. Decades even. But being this close and not being able to touch him hurt the most. He felt Wanda wrap her other arm around his waist and leaned her head against his, all the while holding his other hand to where Bucky’s was.

“I can’t lose him.” He said to her, his voice cracking like it had earlier. “I just.. can’t.”

“You won’t.” She whispered in his ear. “He’s fighting for you Steve.. as long as you’re here he’ll never give up.”

They sat like that for a while, just sort of keeping him company. Steve thinking of all the times Bucky had slipped out of his hands, literally and figuratively. All those times he’d almost lost him for good. Watching him wall away as he went off to war. The news he might’ve died. Seeing him fall from that train, which still haunted his nightmares. Finding him again only different this time. Searching for years and coming up empty until one day he was standing in front of him again. Siberia. The cryo-chamber. That horrible night he’d cut his wrist. Mini-comas and near death at the hands of the Colonel. There was so many times and he realized that he’d fought too hard and too long to just let hit happen this way.

That Bucky had fought back from too much to let that happen now too.

He was starting to feel some hope now. Some real hope. And more of that came with another entrance thought the door. It was Nat, standing there all in black, her green eyes searching the room before finding them. And coming right over to Steve to embrace him like she always did. And he allowed himself to feel that relief, just like he had when Shuri showed up this morning.

“Okay I’m here.” She told him over his shoulder. “How can I help?”

Steve pulled back and picked up the book, seeing Wanda’s face contort as she glanced at it. Seeing Bucky inside the chamber looking at it fearfully as well. He vowed they would try and get rid of it but for now they needed it.

“We needed a translator.” He told Nat, handing to her. “We need to find a set of words so Shuri can get them out of his damn head.” He watched as Nat opened it and turned the pages looking through it. “Can you help us.”

“It’s old Russian.” She said absently as she scoured the pages. “But I know it so yes I can.”

“How long will it take?” Wanda asked curiously.

“It’s got a lot of coding and encryption so it might take a few hours at least.” She explained. “And thats a conservative estimate at best.”

Shuri came over at that moment to consult with then and had heard this. “He might not have that much time.” She informed them. “We can keep his body warm but it’s his brain that’s the problem. If we could find a way to shut it off as soon as possible we can wait for the translation to remove the trigger.” She looked for a moment, a bit at a loss herself. “We still don’t know what we are looking for that’s the problem.”

Wanda seemed to get a funny look on her face at that moment as if something occurred to her. “We’re looking for a switch.” She said suddenly and saw the confused looks, causing explained herself. “When I’ve been in hie head, he visualizes everything like rooms.. with doors and windows and hallways.” She saw the looks she was getting at that. “I know it sounds weird but I think there’s a switch somewhere in there.. and if he can find it… he might be able to turn it off himself… “ She looked directly at Shuri. “Buying us time to find the words.”

“You’re saying you can get inside his head without technology?” Shuri asked, looking at her sharply. “And find a physical switch?” She seemed a bit incredulous at this. “It defies logic.”

“It’s not an actual switch.” Wanda continued to explain. “Its symbolic like everything else there. He might have to power himself to shut it off at least temporarily, because he’s done something like that before.” She turned to Steve. “Do you remember the key and the door he talked about?”

Thinking for a moment Steve did recall that. Bucky had even painted it once. It was hanging on their wall. He’d said he needed to find it. At after the whole coma thing, said he had. He’d gotten better after that.

“Yeah.” He confirmed, the idea forming in his head. “He found it and he got better.”

“It’s how he compartmentalizes.” She continued. “He visualizes those though processes just like that and I think he can do it again.”

“You’re talking about psychology.” Pam commented. “Mind over matter.”

Wanda smiled at that moment, lifting her hand to make it glow. “If you believe you can you will.” She concluded. “If we all work together we can save his life.” She gave a hopeful smile. “It’s worth a shot isn’t it?”

Shuri seemed to think about this for a minute and then smiled, a beautiful smile if there ever was one. “Yes it is.” She declared. “In science we need to be open to all possibilities no matter how strange they may seem.” She looked over at Bucky at that moment, who seemed to curious as to what he was missing. “And we’ve certainly seen some strange, wonderful things involving that one.” She put her hands together excitedly. “Lets begin then.”

Steve was at a loss for all of this, for what Wanda had just said, and convinced Shuri, a scientist of, without a lot of force. Was amazed at the willingness of everyone to work together on this for the common good. To help Bucky get better. People who, several years ago, hadn’t known him at all now cared this much about him. He wondered if this would convince him how worth it he was to more than just Steve himself.

“Yeah.” He said, really feeling that hope now. “Let’s do this.”

\--

Bucky was somewhat curious about what everyone was discussing, but he had bigger concerns at the moment. Mainly fighting off the panic he felt at the moment at being inside this small, albeit warm, space.

The claustrophobia was still a problem, and he knew probably always would be. As much progress as he’d made in his long-term mental recovery, this was still a crippling issue for him. Making him avoid places he could not easily get out of. Any space where he could not fully extend his arms without hitting an object or a person, was avoided pretty much all the time. Any attempts to overcome it had resulted in the requisite flashback and would cause an anxiety attack. Which just made him avoid it further. It was a vicious cycle.

This particular situation he was in now was his worst nightmare in many ways. But, in a strange way it was also forcing him to deal with it because it was necessary for his survival as well. So he powered through it in spite of the horrible memories it was causing to resurface. In spite of his shaking hand and shortness of breath. His urge to break the glass and escape.

Just like this cold condition was forcing him to deal with issues with his father, it was oddly beneficial in some ways.

But it didn’t make it any less pleasant when the memories kept invading. The most common one being the first time they forced him into the tube, when he was still physically recovering from his fall and the unwarranted surgeries. How terrifying it had been that first time, first of many times. The way the cold began to spread all over him, feeling it come up from his feet, up his legs to his mid-section and chest. And even as he felt his heart and lungs going cold, his brain was still very much aware for a few seconds longer. Recalling the last thing he saw was the ice covering the opening in the glass before he went into that cold dark for the first time.

_Papa I’m cold… _ he remembered thinking, or even saying out loud, he really wasn’t sure. _I wannna go home._

That chamber became his home in many ways. When he wasn’t being abused, programmed and used as a killing machine that was. It waws nightmare every time he was put in, still aching in pain from whatever injury he’d received prior to being frozen. And he still felt those aches when he awoke, having little memory of what caused them as he was dragged to his next destination.

The chair. The blue light. The words. Turning him into that implacable killer.

Closing his eyes hadn’t made any of this go away, nor had the surrounding warmth. It was only the presence of Steve, and his other friends, just outside of it that kept him losing it completely. That allowed him to keep the panicking Soldier from busting through the glass. Which he was perfectly capable of doing if he let him loose.

_We don’t like being in here.._ he’d hear him say in his head _we need to get out._ He had to will that metal hand to stay put in the restraint. It took everything he had. Every ounce of strength in his body. Which wasn’t a lot considering no matter how warm the body was getting, the cold in his head kept lingering.

“Sergeant Barnes can you hear me?” Came Shuri’s voice through the speaker.

“Yes.” He answered, looking for her out there among the group. “I can.”

“We may have a plan of attack now, but it may require taking you out.” She told him as she came closer, and he saw she was wearing a microphone of some kind. “There is obviously a risk, but your friend Wanda says she can help you. But she needs direct contract contact to do it.”

He was simultaneously happy to get out of the small space but also scared as well. Because he knew how rapidly he could get cold if they opened this thing now. These two feelings, one of freedom and one of fear worked against each other but he knew he was once again, being forced to face another fear as well. That the risk of the solution might be worth the potential harm.

And those walls closing in around him were pushing him to want to get out. Just so he could breathe again.

“Okay.” He said out loud, not sure how loud he needed to be here. “Whatever we gotta do. Lets do it.”

There was a sense of relief when that glass door slid back up and he could breath properly again. Pam was immediately there, checking his vitals and Shuri was standing there with Wanda, with a device in her hand he recognized from when he’d first been in Wakanda. Bringing back a vague but still frightening memory of someone walking around inside his head, pulling things out. But he held that panic at bay for now and looked for Steve, who was now there as well.

“His heartrate is still up, and temp is still low.” Pam said as she finished checking him. “So whatever we do as quickly as possible while it’s open.”

Bucky blinked up at them, still sucking in fresh air again in big gulps. “What are we doing?”

“We’re gonna go in your head sport.” Wanda said, reaching her glowing hand out to touch his forehead. “And we’re gonna see if you can turn this off yourself.”

“Which in turn will buy us time.” Shuri told him, putting the small headband like device on his head carefully. “Until we can find the actual trigger words and eliminate them completely.”

Bucky understood ostensibly what they were saying. Remembering vaguely the symbolic key he had to find to open that maddening door that freed him and the Soldier from that haunted hallway. The memory of it was like that of a fever dream now. That surreal landscape always made him dizzy thinking about it. He had been flying blind then, and now he had no clue how he was supposed to be looking for this time.

“How am I supposed to do that?.” He asked them, letting the warmth of Wanda’s hand keep the cold out of his head so he could think. “If I don’t even know what I’m looking for?”

“They way your mind works I think it’ll probably just look like a switch or some kind.” Wanda told him, He eyes focused in thought too. “We just have to figure out where it is all.”

He had inkling she might be right, and he was wracking his brain on where to look. He hadn’t seen anything like that in his forays in there. But just because he didn’t see it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. Things were constantly revealing themselves all the time, like finding a random puzzle piece every so often. New doors, leading to new rooms coming out of that cold darkness. And suddenly it hit him. The revelation jumping right into his thoughts just like the one about the book. He knew exactly where it was and it terrified him.

“I know where it is.” He said suddenly, biting his lip and shivering against Wanda’s hand. “It’s the dark. “ His eyes flicked from person to person, unable to stay on one. “In the cold area.”

He saw Wanda of all people shiver herself at that. The only other person who understood just how cold that part of his mind was. How dark and lightless. It was the only placed it could be. The place he was too afraid to go too far into. It was terrifying and very, very risky. He’d almost gotten stuck skirting its edges a few times and needed the Soldier to pull him out.

“To shut it off I have to go in.” He said, closing his eyes and taking a shuddering breath. “I guess it’s the only way.”

“That’s too damn risky Buck.” Steve said with an edge in his voice. “We can wait until Nat finds and just take it out.”

“We might not be able to.” He answered, shaking his head. “I could feel it even when I was in there.. it’s creeping Steve and if I don’t try it’s not gonna matter.”

“He’s right.” Shuri concurred, looking at Pam’s worried face as well. “His temperature is already declining and if we don’t shut it off soon..”

She didn’t have to finish that. He would either freeze to death or possibly into a permanent state of state of cold sleep. He knew it inside as much he hated it. He had to try it. “Between this thing and Wanda I might be able to stay warm enough.” He said, speaking directly to Steve now. “It’s the only chance I got punk.” He gave him his best smile under the circumstances. “I’d rather do it with your support than without it.”

He lifted his flesh hand up and touched him as best he could as those words left him. He needed to know Steve was with him. He hadn’t said it explicitly, but Steve was the third factor in this as well. He let his eyes flicker with the hint of the Soldier in them as well. Both of them together there in solidarity for Steve’s benefit alone.

“Hold our hand.” He added, letting that hand slide down onto Steve’s. “And it can’t take us.”

It sounded corny but it rang true and he saw his punk face soften, even though the worry was still there. “I’ll try jerk.” Steve answered, squeezing that hand. “I just… I’m…”

He could still Steve’s fear and hesitation still and needed to get him alone. Needed to give him some comfort and just let out all the fear and tension since this had started. To clear the air before they got underway.

“Can we.. have a few minutes?” He asked everyone else. “Please?”

“Of course.” Shiri agreed, and pushed the buttons to take the restraints completely off now. “Just be careful of your temperature is all.”

He nodded to her and let Steve help him pull him out of the chamber and out onto his feet. He could feel the drop in temperature immediately but willed himself to stay warm enough to have a little bit of time with Steve. One of the things he ‘d learned from all his experiences was to never let any moments pass by and not take any time for granted. He didn’t know what was going to happen in the next few hours and wanted absolutely nothing left on the table.

As soon as Steve got him on his feet, Bucky grabbed onto his shirt for steadiness and looked up at him, into his blue eyes. The ones he’d fallen in love with all those years ago. The ones that had brought him back from the dead more than once. He let his own eyes show all the love he had in them. Everything.

“Let’s find a place to be alone punk.” Bucky whispered to him, out of earshot of everyone else. “And you can keep me warm for a few minutes at least.”

Steve nodded, getting his meaning. And Bucky could the fear and worry in his eyes, mixed with a need to do just that. “Okay jerk.” He replied, wrapping an arm around him to hold him up. “I think I can do that.”

There was an adjacent room, another conference room for the hospital that was being unused and that’s where they went. None of their friends said a word about it. They understood completely at the moment that they both needed stress relief. And boy did they ever.

The minute the door got closed behind them Bucky grabbed Steve’s shirt again and turned to him, kissing him fiercely right there, allowing himself to held up and steadied. Because his feet were feeling a bit cold and numb, making him unsteady. But it didn’t slow him down in any way, he practically climbed on Steve, plunging his tongue into his mouth and feeling him get a handful of his hair. It was pushing that ever present cold back rather nicely.

“Are you sure you’re ok??” Steve asked, pulling his lips away, slightly, arm around him ready to pick him up. “That you’re not too cold?”

Bucky pressed his face into Steve’s, leaning into him a bit more. “I’m always okay when you’re around punk.” He whispered to him, bringing his lips to his again. “Now shut up and do what you want with me.”

Steve’s answer was to kiss him fiercely again and lift him into his arms as he did. He ended up keeping him very warm indeed in this brief interlude.

\--

Steve had no idea how much he himself needed this right now. The others had been perfectly understanding of this need as well. Allowing them to have more than a few minutes of alone time in this convenient adjoining room.

Lifting Bucky up, he put him on the nearest flat surface, feeling his legs wrap around him, seeing his teal blue eyes staring up at him as he leaned back a little. His metal arm was piping hot from the tube he’d been kept in and stung his flesh slightly as it wrapped around the back of his neck, but Steve didn’t care, just grabbed his hips and was soon pushing hard into him, not holding back at all. Unable to stop if he wanted to. He just… needed to feel him like this right now.

There was a fear this could be the last time. The last time he’d be this alive. This warm. There had always been a fear in the back of his head that even though he had him back, some part of what had been done to him would eventually take him away for good. It had almost happened when the Colonel stabbed him. And now there was that fear again, which had driven the tension up and increased the need.

So he was going to make it count and let that fear fuel him until he was spent.

He pounded him hard, gripping him tight as he did. Kissing him thoroughly, declaring his love through growls and moans, Bucky’s cold fingers digging into his back, hot metal ones gripping his next in sweet contrast that just added to the sensation. Each scratching and biting just a little, marking each other all over again as they did. Even in a slightly weakened state, Bucky had enough strength to push back against him, his body demanding more as he did.

“Our Steve…” He moaned, the voice of the Soldier bleeding through. “Ours.”

The sound of that always pushed him further, making him plow him relentless. “My Soldier…” He growled. “My Bucky… mine..”

The intensity and urgency of the situation caused them both to cum hard, almost at the same time. Shaking against each he got his hand into that gorgeous brown hair and pulled him up into his arms, kissing him tenderly as he did, with Bucky’s legs still wrapped tightly around his waist, bodies still connected for the moment.

“Don’t you leave me.” He whispered against his lips. “Please promise you won’t.”

There was emotion in his voice as he did, causing it to break. Bucky pulled back and Steve could see it in his too as he put his hands on his face. “I’m never leaving you again I promise.” He was told, those eyes looking in his as he pressed his face to his. “Never.”

Wrapping his arms around him he then buried his face in Bucky’s neck and let that fear and worry out again, like he had last night to the Soldier as well. Feeling Bucky wrap his hand around the back of his head and hold him like that. Feeling lips pressed to the side of his head, thighs hugging him tight still.

“In a little while it will be okay punk.” He heard Bucky whisper in his ear. “I promise it will.”

He was still slightly warm, but Steve could feel the temperature on his body cooling a little in his hands even now. This cold was threatening to take him away from him. And he was wondering if Bucky was already starting to explore in there now. Before they even got him back into the chamber again. He liftedhis head and put his hands on Bucky’s face and looked in his eyes again, making sure he was still there. Still with him. He seemed to still be there, but his eyes looked far from confident in spite of his words. They looked scared.

“You asked me to hold onto you and I will.” He told him then, pressing their heads back together again. “I didn’t do it that one time and you’ve paid for that ever since.” He let out a shaky breath pulling him closer. “I will never let you go again…”

The truth was that guilt was still ever present that if he’d just held onto him that one time none of this would be happening now. None of the pain he’d be in would be near as bad. But he felt Bucky’s hand on his face too as if he sensed it in what he said. Wanting to comfort him over that that mistake he never forgive himself for.

“I know you won’t.” Was what he said in response to that. “Cause you haven’t since.”

He kissed him again then and it was pure emotion at that point. Pure feeling. He never wanted to stop doing it ever. But what he did at that moment was lay him back on the table and look down at him, at his pale yet beautiful face, letting his hands slide down to his hips and pulling them up as he crouched down on his knees on the floor. He had gone pretty hard at him, he had to take care of him now like he always did.

“Don’t know if we… have time for this punk..” Bucky breathed, his metal hand hooking into Steve’s hair. “They… might coming looking for us..”

Steve smiled up at him, pulling Bucky’s legs over his shoulders. “There’s always time for this jerk.”

And with that he gripped his hips and took good care of him, continuing to warm him up. Never wanting to waste any precious moments ever. Especially when he could feel how cold Bucky’s feet were getting as they planted against his back. Even through the socks he was still wearing.

He took his time, making sure to do a through job of it too.

And once he let him go took one more moment to look at him, sitting there beautifully on the table, like a damn dream come true. Brown hair loosed and all messed up, blue still shining with life. His lips parted just asking to be kissed again, and he did.

“Had to take care of my boo bear.” He told him between kissing him.

“Our Stevie always does.” Bucky replied against his lips. “Boo bear is always pleased..”

One he was done with that indulgence he found the sweatpants Bucky had put on, along with the tank he was still wearing, that had replaced his hospital gown for the sake of being in the tub. He helped him put them back on and stood there between legs, hands resting on his hips, unable to look away from those deep blue eyes, which looked so tired now.

“Can you walk yourself?” He asked him. “Or do you need help?”

Bucky smiled at him in a slightly sassy way. “I can but I might need a teeny bit of help.”

Steve lifted him off the table onto the floor and put his arm around his waist, helping him along without actually carrying him. Bucky leaned against his shoulder as he walked, and Steve could feel that he wasn’t particularly strong at this moment, at least physically. He needed to get back in the chamber that was clear.

“My feet are kinda numb.” Bucky confessed as they got to the door. “They were always first part of me to freeze n that damn thing.”

He could see that was where the trouble was really. So he lifted him just a little so he could lean more against him. “When we’re done with all this, I’m gonna spend some time giving you a foot massage jerk.”

“I like the sound of that punk.” Bucky teased back, looking up at him as they went though the door. “And by all means.. don’t stop at my feet.”

Pressing his lips to his head as they got back in the room. “Oh you are getting the full spa treatment don’t you worry.”

Bringing him back to the tube and helping him in, Steve noticed no one seemed to bat an eye or even question what they’d been up to. He was grateful for that. Grateful for their friends, who understood and completely accepted them. Who were here for them, and more importantly for Steve, for Bucky. He was hoping he realized just how many friends he did have. A lot more than he thought he did.

“Before we do this, you need to put the restraints back on me.” Bucky told them all as he laid back down. “The good ones… just in case.”

“Bucky you don’t have to.” Pam protested a bit. “No one here is afraid of you.”

“I know but…” He said and stopped for a moment as if to gather himself. “You should be.. because if I don’t wake up as myself for some reason and Steve’s not close enough I could..” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I could hurt someone.. or worse.”

His eyes seemed to find Tony for a moment, who over monitoring one of the machines. And then back to Steve again, and he knew what Bucky was thinking in that moment. He was remembering what he’d done to Tony’s parents, namely his mother and that hurt to think about. He hated this himself but Bucky was right, if he woke up as the Soldier and saw a bunch of people like this and was in any distress it could end badly. So Steve nodded to him and looked at Shuri for a moment.

“You have strong ones right?” He asked her. “Ones that can hold his arm?”

“Yes.” She told him and pushed a button on the side of the chamber, causing a large bracketed one to appear on the left side. “I designed it with him in mind.” She looked at Bucky and gave him a sad look. “He asked me to last time he was with us, and I brought it just in case.”

“You should do my other arm too.” Bucky reminded them. “I can… hurt you with that one too.”

And that was a direct reference that he could see Tony actually react to. He and Steve were the only ones in the room to have actually seen that. Fortunately, Shuri was prepared for that too. There was another one on the other side that could be used, but had a smoother edge as to not cut his skin. Once the button was pushed, they locked him in, by both his wrist and bicep. Steve hated this so much. And he knew Pam and the others did too. He wasn’t as dangerous as he thought he was, but he wasn’t going to do a goddamn thing Steve knew unless those things were on his arms.

“I detest having to do this.” Shuri said for all of them at that moment.

Bucky just looked up at them and gave them his best smile possible., even though Steve could tell he was scared shitless. That being in that thing was a nightmare for him, as were the restraints. All the things that must’ve gone through his head at that moment. Steve reached in and put his hand on his face just for a moment and saw his eyes flutter shut.

“Okay.” He heard Bucky say after taking a deep breath. “Let’s do this.”

Steve then took that hand and put it on his flesh one and held it like he promised through the whole ordeal.

\--

It had helped, no doubt about that. He felt a little less afraid now. A little less tight.

Even as the restraints were locked in on his hands and he couldn’t move, all he had to do is look up at Steve and think about earlier. Of the intensity of their lovemaking and aftercare. Even in a short period of time, Steve hadn’t half-assed it. Everything was one hundred and ten percent and boy did he love that about him.

Shifting slightly inside the chamber he could see feel the effects down that and smiled to himself.

“I’m going to monitor the progress.” Shuri told them. “To make a make of the neurol pathways because we are going to need them for when removed these accursed things.”

Bucky nodded and squeezed Steve’s hand as Wanda stepped onto his left side, reaching her hand in to put on his head. He immediately felt the warmth penetrate his mind and relax, even though his heartrate was jacked up. Pam was keeping an eye on his vitals he knew, and he could see Shuri turning on her own device, which would guide them in his head so they could find the location later.

He let the red glow fill his head as he felt himself drifting in its warmth. Traveling. Soon all the other sounds vanished into just that eerie echo in his head. And when he became aware again he was in that hallway again. And Wanda was with him as well, her presence lit by a red glow.

They were staring at the darkness, their backs to the lit door. The way out.

“You don’t have to go in there with me kid.” He said to her as he looked over. “It might not be safe.”

“You know how this works Sarge.” Wanda said dismissively. “I’m not leaving you alone.” She gave him a soft smile. “Besides, you need a light.”

She took the metal hand in hers. And Bucky could strangely feel someone holding his other one. It was Steve he knew. And as long he felt that, and Wanda on his other side, he could do this.

“Okay then.” He told her and steeled himself up. “Lets go find this fucking thing.”

Stepping forward they passed all the open doors, their secrets revealed, although no less traumatic to think about, at least they could do little harm now. Random noises came out of them, echoes of the past, but that’s where they were, the past. The cold increased as he stepped closer and yet Wanda’s glow around them both increased, and Bucky could see a little as they stepped into the darkness. And he had little idea of what might be in there. He didn’t even know if it even had a flow or was just open space. But the source of the cold was in here. Wanda was right, somewhere there was a switch he had to flip to at least turn the heat back on.

Once they got inside it was Artic cold in there. But he could at least feel a floor underneath. A titling one but a floor nonetheless. And he could see a little around him. Dark outlines of doors hidden inside this cold area. He had no idea what was in them, and the echoey noises that he heard didn’t increase any curiosity. He had feeling this was programming area, which would always be somewhat dark here.

The floor started to feel a little less solid and more like smoke now the further in he got. And he was shivering so much now it was like a physical pain. He could barely feel his feet, or the tips of his flesh fingers. Except for an area that roughly matched where a hand would hold him.

He could still feel Steve even now.

The cold was exhausting, it wore you down and it just kept going. They had the impression of walls. And turning on a few occasions but could only see about 6 inches in front of them. The inky blackness felt like it was reaching out to him. Even whispering in his ear to stop and _lay down.. we know your tired…_

These were the things the Soldier talked about, that attempted to reach out and grab you. It’s why Bucky kept a mental block that kept that part of him away from this. He’d suffered enough of it. He could hear him too, far off, asking why he was down there. Tell him it wasn’t safe.

_Too cold.._ the Soldier said to him from what sound like a distant _Things in there…_

_It’s gonnsa be okay Soldie_r Bucky assured him. _If I can just find it we’ll be okay.._

The Soldier was cold too he knew. He could feel it. So he had to find this damn thing. For both of them.

He knew if he stopped, he would slip into and possibly never come out. So he gripped Wanda’s hand and kept moving. He was close he could feel it, because the cold became more oppressive closer to it source.

And then he saw it, a small object on the wall, dim and just out of sight. It looked like a typical switch. 

It was in the off position.

And he heard the voice of the Soldier in his head again _He said it to us.. turned it off.._ which caused a memory to tug at the edges of his mind of… something… a rhyme spoken… maybe sung in Russian. It was fleeting but it had been there for a moment. He filed it away for later. _We have to turn it back on.._

The cold was really blasting through now and there appeared be a deeper blackness right next to it. He knew this was it. It had to be. But getting there was difficult. Anyone who’d been in a blasting cold wind, or by a fan in a walk-in freezer would know this kind of cold. It actually hurt to get close to it. It hurt to breeze.

“It’s here.” He told her. “Right there but I…”

He could barely move from the cold now, it took everything he could to move closer, fingers feeling frozen at the tips, he was surprised they could still move at all. There was ice on the switch as his fingers touched it, felt freeze burn on them as he did. At the same time he did, he could feel his consciousness start to fade a little, and yet the red glow stayed on him, faint but there.

“Flip it.” Wanda said. “I can’t hold it much longer.. it’s so cold.”

It was sapping him, and Bucky fought the urge to just collapse and let it take him. And then a memory came to him. Of bright sun and warmth. He could see Steve, lit up by the sun. There were summer noises going on around them. Coney Island in the height of the season. Going under the dock for what seemed like the hundredth time, but it didn’t matter to them. A kiss and those bright blue eyes looking up at him, he was smaller then, but those eyes were the same. And with this memory he felt the warmth flow through him, giving him strength as it did.

He needed to see those eyes again. To feel the warmth. He willed himself to move just enough.

And got his fingers around the switch, and with one last force of will, flipped it.

The effect was immediate. The cold air immediately stopped blowing. The temperature changed as a different kind of air began flowing in. Warmer. It made him sleepy and he felt himself starting to drift as he stood there, his metal hand still in Wanda’s.

“You did it.” She said with a joy in her voice, embracing him in the dark before pulling back with concern on her face. “We still gotta get out of here because it doesn’t feel right.”

Bucky looked at her, feeling the consciousness start to drain away. “It’s not.” He told her and felt himself sinking right there. Almost right into the floor. “I’m…. slipping…”

“No.” She told him, alarmed and pulled on him. “We’re going now..”

He felt her pull him, but it was the last thing he felt before slipping fully into a warmer darkness this time. His mind completely exhausted now. He felt a strange separation from his physical body at that moment. And for just a moment he was transported somewhere else. Somewhere familiar.

A warm cabin by the fire. He felt a hand on his shoulder as he looked into it. “It’s gonna be alright son.” A familiar voice said to him. “You won’t be cold anymore I promise.”

Bucky looked up and saw his father standing them, smiling at him in a way he never had in life. It filled him with painful emotion as reached up to him. “Papa?” He heard himself asked, almost pleading. “I’m sorry.”

At that moment something unexpected happened. His father pulled him into a tight, warm hug. And even though part of him knew this was only in his head, that it hadn’t really happened, but he didn’t care. He welcomed the warmth that was finally filling him after so long in the cold.

“I’m the one whose sorry son.” His father said to him, holding him tight. “Sorry I hurt you so much.”

“I love you Papa.” He blurted out, burying in his fact in that broad shoulder.

“I love you too son.” His father replied, his hand in his hair. “You can go home now..”

The warmth filled him completely at that moment as everything seemed to go dark in his head. The cabin, his father, everything was gone except that warmth.

The next thing he was aware of was a jolt of searing pain in his chest. Bright light, faces above him and being held down and screaming. He could see something sticking out of him out of the corner of his ey, and his terrified mind made him believe for a moment he was back wit them and it just caused him to scream and whimper more. Continuing to struggle and kick in complete panic. So in fact he’d have several bruises from it. Part of it was the Soldier part of him freaking out he later understood, but he still remembered the feeling himself as well.

And then face above him came into focus. “Steve?” He gasped and almost passed out again. But not before hearing that voice, smooth as silk. Before feeling that warm hand on his face.

_“I’m here… You’re okay…” _

The rest was confusing as all hell. 

Memories of being dark and in the cold. Of icy fingers flipping a switch. Of the cabin. A fire. His father. It was all a mess in there and he babbled it out to Steve without any real sense. And his chest hurt, heart feeling like it was slamming against his chest, every muscle in his body tensed up and then seeming to go limp suddenly, exhausting him immediately.

He focused on Steve. It was all he could do for the time being, his mind and body tired. Just wanting to sleep again. Feeling encompassed in warmth again and letting himself just float in that as everything went on around him in a hazy blur for a bit.”

\--

Steve and the others were alarmed when Bucky’s temperature dropped way below the danger zone for what seemed like an eternity, only to start spiking back up again rapidly. Which turned out to be a bit of a problem.

A big one actually.

Just as Wanda seemed to wake up herself, Pam became really alarmed at what she was seeing. “He’s warming to fast he’s going to go into cardiac arrest.” She said, her tone worried now. “Turn off the heat now.”

“What?” Steve reacted, reaching down now with his other arm. “Bucky come on don’t do this.”

Wanda was fully back now and looked really scared, even as Tony got her a blanket to calm her shivering. “He found it..” She said, her teeth still chattering a little. “But something went wrong he said… “ A shiver went through her. “He was slipping..”

“His brain wave functions are all over the place.” Shuri said as she pulled up the scans, all the while slowing down the heat in the chamber. “It’s like he’s conscious but he’s not..”

Steve could hear the noise around him like a droning background. He was just willing him to wake up all the while hearing Pam get more concerned about his heartrate. Bucky was pale and still. He was breathing but shallowly, and Steve squeezed his hand with own hand, while brushing his hair with the other.

“Don’t you leave me jerk.” He whispered to him. “You come back you here me?”

“Heartrate is too damn low. It’s about to stop altogether.” Pam said and pulled something out of a nearby bag. “I gonna give him an adrenaline shot to get it going again.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Someone asked, but Steve couldn’t tell who, it was like he was in a tunnel and all he could see was Bucky’s heartrate decreasing on the monitor. “I mean he’s strong enough as it is.”

“It’s either that or I shock his heart.” She answered, pumping the vial. “And considering his history, him waking up that would not be good for any of us.” She shook her hair out of the way and checked the needle. “Trust me I don’t want to do it.. but I don’t think I have a choice right now.”

Steve knew she was right on that. If he woke up as the Soldier, with someone shocking him, it could get ugly fast, even with the restraints on. There was simply too much fear there and he’d rip right through the restraints. The adrenaline shot was dangerous, but Steve could hold him if that was the case. As long as it was him doing it.

Just the monitor beeped as his heart stopped completely and Steve’s almost did them too. “He’d coding.” Pam said frantically, looking at Steve for this decision. “It’s gotta be now.”

“Do it.” Steve said to her, moving his hands to Bucky’s shoulders to hold him. “I got him.”

The shot had to go pretty much right through his breastplate to get to his heart, so it had to be done hard and quick. They cleared everyone else back except Pam and Steve and she looked up at him one more time,, and Steve nodded to her, getting a good grip on Bucky’s upper arms as he did. She then slammed the needle down into his heart, right on point, and depressed the needle.

The reaction was almost instant. The first thing they heard was the heart monitor instantly start clicking again. The next thing was Bucky screaming as his body arched up against Steve’s grip and the restraints, straining them a bit. It took all Steve had to hold him down at that moment, and he would find later there were finger shaped bruises on Bucky’s right bicep as well as on his wrist from the restraint.

Sam had immediately pulled Pam away, so it was just Steve now holding him as he gasped for air, his eyes wide open and darting around the room. His body finally relaxed and crashed back down onto the padded inside of the chamber, taking huge gulps of breath as he did. Steve had practically climbed in as he was holding him down and he saw those wild eyes look up at him, almost as if he didn’t recognize him at first. Steve could see elements of the panicked Soldier in those eyes but they eventually calmed and cleared once he realized who it was that was holding him.

“Steve?” He heard him gasp, hands flexing in the restraints. He could see the metal rivets flex on his wrists “What?”

“I’m here.” Steve told him, letting go of the flesh arm to brush his hair. “You’re okay?”

Bucky still looked confused at that moment, but his color was returning, and Pam checked his vitals “His temperature is normal again.” She told them. “And his heartrate is getting back to normal as well.” There was a collective sigh in the room as this was said. “It all looks much better.”

“What happened?” Bucky asked, his eyes still darting around the room. “I was in there… and I…pulled it and… then I… the cabin..my dad….”

It was a confusing mix of words and Steve couldn’t decipher all of it right now. The level of tension in the room was finally dissipating but he needed to keep Bucky calm and not confuse him further so he just soothed him as best he could as his own heart finally calmed as well.

“I’ll tell you later okay?” Steve told him, softly stroking his hair, and turned to Pam and Shuri. “Can we take him out of this thing now?”

“He seems to have stabilized.” Pam said as she checked his heartrate again, causing Bucky to wince in a little pain where she’d jabbed him. “So I think we can, but we need to keep watching him for now.”

“And we also have more information of the location of the triggers.” Shuri told them. “We will be able to find them as soon as your friend deciphers the codes.”

Nat was still doing that right now. Hopefully she could get it soon. But right Steve was only thinking of getting Bucky more comfortable. So once Shuri unlocked the restraints, Steve lifted him out into his arms. He felt Bucky’s arms weakly go around him, and felt him tuck his head into the crook of his neck. He seemed to have very little strength, and a confused, glassy look in his eyes. But he didn’t feel cold anymore and that was a relief.

Sam and Tony helped wheel the gurney over and Steve very carefully put him on it, and lifted the sides to keep his arms in. And Pam check him again. Bucky looked up at Steve, trying to smile and lifted his metal arm weakly to touch him as Pam reattached his IV line.

“You look worried punk.” He said, his eyes having a hard time focusing. “Did I die?”

Steve smiled back at him and leaned over, kissing him on the head. “You kinda did yeah.” He said against his forehead. “And it better be the last goddamn time jerk..”

“Damn straight.” Wanda said as she appeared at his bedside, with a blanket still over her shoulders. “I’m too young to have this many heart attacks.”

Bucky’s red-rimmed eyes blinked tiredly as he looked up at her. “Sorry kid.”

Steve his arm, jus above where the IV catheter, and saw the bruising forming on his arm. He hated that he had to hold him down that hard, but there had been little choice in the matter. There was one forming on his wrist too where the restraint was as well, showing how hard his body had tensed . He just wrapped his fingers in Bucky’s and kissed the wrist just below the catheter, wanting to just kiss him all over if he could.

“She’s right.” He told him, using his other hand to brush his hair back. “You gotta stop that.”

It was then, at that precise moment when Natasha came in, taking a moment to survey the frazzled group in there before she spoke. “I think I found what you’re looking for.” She told them, with the book in her hand. “I might’ve found them all actually.”

She pushed red her red hair out of her face and showed Shuri the pages on the book. Steve could see even from his angle she’d underlined several passages of importance. “Are these all of them?” She asked Nat, propping it up with the open pages outward to be displayed more clearly. “Because if they are here we can enter them all into the database tonight.”

“From what I can read yes.” Nat answered, looking a bit tired. “They were programmed into him in this language so they have to be entered exactly that , or spoken in that language, whatever way you do it.”

“And with the track we got from his head scan we can find the exact location.” Shuri, loading up that data as well. “And get all this horrible stuff out of him finally.”

“We’re not doing that tonight okay?” Pam called out as she checked over Bucky again, who seemed to be losing his fight with consciousness at the moment. “I just stabbed him in the heart with a needle full of adrenaline after prolonged hypothermia… he needs his rest before any more procedures are done.”

Steve could not agree more. As much as he wanted that programming out of him, from what Shuri implied earlier, it was an exhausting, tedious, and painful process and Bucky was not in the condition for it right now. His eyes had a bleary look and were red-rimmed around the edges, and his breathing, while steady, was still a bit sallow.

“Tomorrow then.” Shuri agreed as she continued to confer with both Nat and Tony. “We can enter everything and get this system prepared. It is very complicated and I’m dealing with lower bandwith than I’m used to.”

“I can fix that.” Tony announced, pulling out his phone. “You’ll have the strongest Wifi available.”

“It still may not be enough.” Shui declared, a bit disdainfully. “Your country is woefully behind technologically.”

“I’m not.” Tony told her as he did something with the device in his hand. “You’re not the only genius in the room Princess.”

Nat was already rolling her eyes at this one-upmanship going on. “I think someone’s ego is getting threatened.”

It was an amusing conversation that was for sure, and on another day he would’ve certainly loved to watched more of it but right now he had other things on his mind. He heard Shuri say that because it was at a slower speed it would take all night to get it done anyways.

“Well looks like we’re pulling an all-night.” Tony declared. “I got the coffee and donuts.”

Shuri rolled her eyes. “Americans..”

“I want to take him upstairs and get him comfortable.” Pam told Steve as she pushed a stray bang out of her face, looking exhausted. “I don’t know how he’ll react to the adrenaline shotshot short-term.”

Sam pulled her aside for a just a moment. “And after that.” Steve heard him say to her. “I’m taking you home you got that?” He brushed her hair back the same way Steve always did with Bucky. “You need some rest yourself.”

“But I have to monitor him…”

“You have an assistant is perfectly capable of handling it.” Sam told her. “So stop arguing with me woman.”

It was cute, and Steve was eerily reminded of the many times he and Bucky had had similar conversations. He looked down at him, and he did look ready to fall asleep. Wanda was holding his metal hand and watching him with concern, the blanket still over her shoulders as she continued to warm herself back up. He could Tony, Nat and Shuri conferring as they worked to set up and program the necessary tech. He felt so grateful for all their friends and their help and support today. Not just for him but for Bucky especially.

Pam had relented finally but seemed to have a few more things to do before she left. “Let’s get him upstairs and I’ll get Monica up to speed on the situation.” She told them and looked at Sam, with a mixture of love and irritation. “Then you can take me home.”

Making sure Bucky was secure on the bed they went to do just that, but not before Steve said goodnight to the rest of his friends. “Thanks for coming.” He said to Nat, who gave him a second hug. “Really.. thank you.”

“Of course.” Nat answered and motioned to the other two. “Wish me luck with the genius squad over here.” She smiled ant patted his face. “And get some sleep Rogers you look like shit.”

And after a quick goodbye to the other two, who were locked in tech talk and one-upmanship at the time, they were finally able to move Bucky upstairs and back into his room to rest for a while. Pam did exactly as she said and got him comfortable and got her assistant up to speed for finally allowing Sam to take her home for now. Until morning at least, Steve knew. The woman was dedicated no doubt about that.

“I’ll leave you two alone too.” Wanda said after a few more minutes of looking after Bucky, who was now asleep again. “I’ll keep an eye on the little princess until her Daddies come home.”

She looked tired too, still trying to warm up a little herself as she gave Steve a hug. “We got lots of blankets and hot food there.” He told her. “Help yourself.”

Pulling away Wanda gave him another warm smile before bending over and giving Bucky a soft kiss on the head. “See ya later Sarge.” He heard her whisper to him. “You’re not getting out of coffee dates this easy.”

Her hand was on his face and she seemed to get a funny look on it for just a moment and then stepped away to leave. “You alright?” He asked, a little concerned, stopping her as she walked by.

“Yeah.” She answered and put her hand on his face for a moment. “He says everything is gonna be okay soon.”

And with that she left, leaving him a bit perplexed for a moment before he pulled up a chair, sitting down next to him. He entwined his fingers in his flesh one and squeezed it, feeling a sense a relief, even though he knew they had a little more to do. It had come from Wanda’s words as she had her hand on his face. Almost like it had been Bucky saying it himself. Maybe it was, and she’d simply found a way to pass the message on.

He thought about how terrifying it had been when he’d gone almost ice cold, and then his heart stopped. And then moment his eyes flew open, terrified and struggling. Almost like for a moment he’d forgotten him. The sheer stress of keeping him in the tube and everything that had gone around them.

But he also thought about the conference room. Of the love and intimacy of those brief moments when he wasn’t sure if he’d ever have the chance again. He’d never taken any moment for granted and never would. Would never miss a chance to tell him he loved him.

“I don’t know if you can hear me but..” He said softly, lifting that hand to his lips. “I love you jerk.”

He felt the hand move a little in his and saw those beautiful teal blue eyes open slightly. Not fully but enough. “I can hear you… everywhere..” He whispered, as he didn’t have the energy to speak louder. “Even… in there..” A little smile crossed his lips as his eyes closed again. “And I… love you too.. punk…”

Steve smiled at that and picked up his metal hand, kissing the fingers, knowing he could feel that too. The whole arm was sensitive. His lips found the wedding ring on it and he kissed that too, seeing Bucky’s lips curved into a smile as he did, even with his eyes closed. And then he noticed a funny look on his face.

“Steve?”

Thinking something was wrong Steve rose up a little. “What is it?” He asked, looking out of the corner of his eye and seeing nothing awry with his vitals. “You okay?”

“The Soldier told me something..” Bucky answered, his voice sleep slurred a bit. “He said something about a… an saying a…a rhyme..” He seemed to struggle to stay awake. “In… Russian… I don’t know.. what that means..” He seemed to pause and swallow a little. “My heads… all screwy.”

Steve was perplexed by this too. It sounded like delirious talk, like what he’d said about his father when coming out earlier. But it was coming from the Soldier it seemed. A Russian rhyme. Which caused Steve’s mind to turn to the fact that it was a trigger that set this in motion. What if that had been the trigger. But who said it and when? It was a question he would have to ask the Soldier he supposed, when he saw him again.

Because if there was someone out there that triggered this, he wanted to find them, in spite of Sam’s warning to stay away. He was fucking sick of these people messing with Bucky like this.

But right now it was more important to keep him comfortable and look after him. So he just squeezed his hand and gave him a kiss on the head. “Whatever he meant we can figure out later okay?” He told him. “Get some rest for now.” He climbed back onto the bed with him. “Got another busy day tomorrow.”

“Aye aye Captain.” Bucky teased in a sleepy voice. “As long as you’re… with me..”

“Always Buck.” He assured him as he got situated. “Always.”

And with that seemed to fall asleep, and Steve pulled him carefully into his arms. Making sure to not disrupt any wires as he did. He stayed up a little longer thinking of what Bucky had just said though. It kept him up for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, both Bucky and Steve had a sort 'dark night of the soul' kind' of thing prior to Shui's arrival which is understandable. We all reach our breaking point eventually, where we do feel like giving up. Bucky's had several of these, and Steve has had few. But I was touched this one because it was just born out of such frustration, which I understand in my own life (we are all living that this year, like 'when is this gonna end' kind of thing). Bucky feels like he's always finding a new wound, a new broken piece. Something they did to him he's just discovering and the fact that even though he's depressed over it is overlaid by welcome anger too. And that Steve allows him to express these feelings at him says a lot about how good it is to have a supportive, yet firm partner like that when you are going through these things. And Steve, who is often unable to deal with situations he can't fix, feels that despair that comes from that as well. It was interesting he confessed to the Soldier like that, and simplicity of the comfort he got there I just adored. 
> 
> Now Shuri yaaaay I'm glad everyone was happy to know she was coming back. This is part of the final arc of this story, because Shuri was the one who helped clear the WS trigger words and it would make sense she'd be involved with anything that has to do with potential triggers in his mind. She knows what to look for, and Pam needed extra help here. Kudos to her hubby Sam for mentioning Shuir to her of course she saw the blip right away. Recognized it as something that was triggered in his head and is one of the few people who has the tech and brains to able to remove it. 
> 
> This is one of the things I like about this chapter is the group effort to help Bucky out. How many people came together to do it, not just Shuri but to bring in people like Nat as well, who, like Bucky, has the ability to translate those old Russian scripts. There is an 'it takes a village' thing going on here I love it very much. 
> 
> Speaking of that book, as you remember and as it was mentioned, Bucky didn't destroy it instantly and this is why. HThat something that helped enslave him can help free him is an interesting contradiction that I like a lot (and it will be disposed of when the time comes) and adds a layer to that earlier hesitation. 
> 
> I also love that Wanda figured out that Bucky might be able to help himself a bit too, seeing as how she's the only other person whose seen inside his head like that. It fits whit a theme I also like where while people may help us along, the ultimate power to save ourselves from ourselves. Which is an overreaching theme in these stories. That Bucky ultimately saves himself a lot of the time is to me just a beautiful thing. 
> 
> There is also the facing of the fears thing you saw throughout. Bucky's fear of restraints and claustrophobia were on high display and he was forced to deal with them in these moments as a matter of safety and I liked that he was able to power through it even though he felt that horrible anxiety most of the time. 
> 
> Steve and Bucky getting busy in the middle of all this I thought was a nice stress relief for them considering how much tension they were both in during this chapter. And smut is always fun, especially when it's fraught with emotion like it was here. 
> 
> Warming someone up too quick after being that cold can cause cardiac arrest because all the blood goes tot the heart and overwhelms it. So Pam's concern was valid there. And her choice to use an adrenaline shot (ala Pulp Fiction, which sort of inspired that) rather than electric paddles was based solely on her understanding of her patients trauma. Most doctors would've gone with the paddles to start the heart quick, but as we know, Bucky, or the Soldier, would've had a very bad reaction to being electrocuted and the result would not have been good. It was unconventional but then again, Bucky is not a typical patient. 
> 
> I loved using that opportunity, when has his second near-death experience of this fic that he yet again has a healing vision of one of his parents. This time his father. It's idealized and it's comforting, it supplies him with what he needs at that moment and i love it from a narrative perspective. 
> 
> Tony and Shui's and Sam and Pam's interaction are adorable and will be continued.
> 
> That little hint by the Soldier is part of the mystery of how this got triggered in the first place and we will learn the source of it trust me. I like leaving little hints like that cause I'm evil in that way. 
> 
> Next chapter, . The Soldier will be much more prominent again as Bucky recovers from this ordeal and like I said, we may learn who triggered him to go cold like this, and that person better hope Steve doesn't find them before the others do. 
> 
> Once again thank you all for the lovely comments they mean a lot to me and hope you all are doing well and staying safe <3<3<3 and *hugs*


	36. Fight or Flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual :)

He woke up that morning, still feeling groggy and not quite right, but at least hew wasn’t cold anymore. Although he didn’t know how long that would last unless they got this trigger out of him. But that might not be today according to Pam. Who seemed to take about maybe 5 hours of sleep before she was back the next day.

“I think we need to wait one more day.” She told him as she checked him out. “You’re still physically very weak and have a slight temperature now. “ She saw a worried look on Steve’s face and added. “Which is normal considering where you just were not even 24 hours ago. “ She picked up his right hand and pulled the protective glove off of it. “And then there’s this.”

His fingers, while not as discolored as yesterday, were, still slightly purplish, and he still couldn’t feel the tips. His feet were in the same boat as well, with a lot of numbness and stinging when he moved the toes. He shook his head at this, feeling like laughing, and did a little, at the absurdity of it all. Which of course caused a few concerned looks.

“What’s so funny?” Steve asked, probably thinking he was losing it. Or delirious.

“Nothing punk it’s just..” He said in between chuckling. “Only I’m fucked up enough to have frostbit in the middle of August.”

“Don’t forget the Hypothermia.” Pam reminded him, with a smile of her own. “You’re just an unusual case that’s all. But that being said I unfortunately do want to keep you here a few more days. Even without the trigger removal procedure, your body has been through a lot.” She replaced the glove on his hand for now. “It’s just precautionary.”

While Bucky was disheartened by this news, he wasn’t surprised. Pam was nothing if not thorough and if she didn’t think he was ready to do the procedures or go home yet, then he probably wasn’t. He’d long since trusted her judgement on these things and just nodded, practicing flexing his fingers, albeit a bit painfully.

“Good thing I got the metal one huh?” He said, trying to keep good spirits in spite of it. “At least I’ll have one good limb.”

“Another day or so, with some treatments you should be back to normal.” Pam assured him, finishing up. “But for now, you should try and get up and walk, but keep the socks on, and the glove until the feeling comes back completely.”

“Well they are kinda fashionable.” Steve observed, patting one of Bucky’s feet. “They actually match your eyes.”

They were almost the same color it was true. And they were very warm. Steve seemed to like them so he was definitely keeping them. “Maybe I should wear them with the bunny slippers.” He teased Steve, wiggling his feet. “Since you seem to have a fetish for things I wear on my feet and all.”

Steve almost looked slightly embarrassed by this. “Behave yourself jerk.”

It felt nice to not be so serious, after the last day or so. He did feel better, whatever he did inside his head worked. He couldn’t really remember it all that well, like a lot of the deep, therapeutic forays into his head he remembered it in bits and pieces, and what he did remember had that dream-like quality. It hurt his head too much to try and remember too much, so he settled for what little he could remember.

“Make me punk.” He teased back. “I dare you.”

Pam as always, concentrated on her work, but she always smiled a little whenever they would have a cute teasing exchange like that. She’d commented once or twice that it always seemed to lower his blood pressure when they had these. Amelia had said, getting back to normal behavior was healthy and his other doctor seemed to live by that philosophy as well.

“Well I’ll be back later, I just came in to check on you.” She told them as she finished making some marks on her chart. “Now if I don’t get out of here soon, Sam will drag me out caveman style.”

Bucky was amused by Sam even trying that, Pam was pretty formidable in her own right. Especially when it came to her patients. His Falcon friend has his talons full there. They nodded and said their goodbyes for now, and then were left alone for a little bit.

“I think I wanna try one of those walks punk.” Bucky told Steve, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “I’ve been on my back too damn long lately.” He saw Steve smirk at that and added. “And not in a way I enjoy.”

“Whatever you say jerk.” Steve teased him back, getting an arm around his waist to help him to his feet. “But for your first time, only around the room got it?”

“Aye aye Captain.” Bucky, said, saluting him with his gloved right hand. “Loud and clear.”

Steve shook his head and helped him to his feet. “No need to be a smartass Sergeant.”

The socks had traction on them so he wouldn’t slip on the floor, and he knew why he had to wear them because he really couldn’t feel the bottom of his feet yet. The toes almost didn’t feel like they were even there. It felt so weird. But parts of his feet were also starting to sting too, painfully so. He wasn’t sure which was worse. So using his metal arm to hold onto Steve, he took a few steps on the floor, feeling like he had the last time he was in the hospital, like he was learning how to walk all over again.

“Feel alright?” Steve asked, looking down at his feet as they took a few more. “Need to sit.”

“I’m not out of breath idiot.” Bucky said with warm affection in his voice. “Just can’t feel my feet its weird annoying.”

He was able to walk around the room on what felt like marshmellows on the bottom of his feet. If it wasn’t for the socks he would’ve gone done. They’d allowed him to change into a tank an pair of sweatpants yesterday for his heating tube adventure and he’d elected to keep them on, so even if he did fall he wouldn’t be showing everyone his ass. Although right now it was only Steve so it didn’t matter But just in case.

When he finally sat back down the side of the bed, he did feel a bit tired. And despite his earlier insistence his chest did still hurt a bit where he’d gotten the adrenaline shot yesterday, which Pam had told him about earlier. Explaining that it was better than using the paddles considering his history and all, but it did have some side-effects like this. But she’d made the right call in his mind, even if his sudden consciousness had been a bit traumatic at first.

“Let’s get those feet back up jerk.” Steve had told him, lifting one of his legs for him. “And get you comfortable.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and lifted his other leg himself. “I’m not paralyzed you know.” He scolded a bit, but with some affection in his voice. “I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.”

“I know you are.” Steve replied and then sat down next to him. “But it’s okay to get some help sometimes.”

Bucky just smiled at him, at his sky-blue eyes and pretty lashes around them. At the warmth and love in his look. It always melted any residue hostility he’d have left over. “You really do like taking are of me don’t ya punk?” He asked, wrapping his metal fingers around Steve’s, the one with the wedding ring on it. “I suppose I can let you.”

“Glad I got your permission jerk.” Steve answered, turning slightly to him. “But I’d do it even if I didn’t.”

Bucky didn’t answer that, just pulled on his on his hand with his metal one, pulling him over to kiss him as he laid back on the bed. He then pulled his lips away and just leaned his head against his, keeping his eyes open so he could look in his, silently thanking him for that care and commitment. And while he was sitting like that, he got a sense of something else on Steve’s mind as well.

“What’s going on in that pretty blonde head of yours punk?” He asked, resting his metal fingers on his face, which he could feel with better than his other hand right now. “I’m choking on the smoke coming out of your ears.”

Steve shook his head. “Hilarious.”

“I thought so.” Bucky answered with a chuckle. “Now spill it.”

Steve seemed to think for a moment before answering. “You said something last night.” He told him, pulling back slightly and resting his hand on his arm. “You said that the Soldier told you a man said a rhyme in Russian. Do you remember that?”

He’d said a lot of things last night he was sure, but Steve had picked up on this one in particular. He scrunched his face trying to remember this particular one himself. There was a tickle of a memory but nothing clear. It was all jumbled up in his dream-like memory and didn’t know why he’d spilled it then. Unless maybe it had something to do with this. Which caused his mind to turn a little more as a result.

“I.. I don’t really remember it but.” He admitted, pushing his mind a little to try and grasp it. “But if the Soldier did then.. it has to mean something.”

“But why would he remember it and not you?” Steve asked, looking a bit confused himself. “That doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

Bucky actually chuckled at that. “Since when does anything my brain does make sense Steve?”

“That may be true Buck.” Steve answered, trying to remain serious on this. “But if somebody said something like that.. a trigger in Russian I think you’d remember that.”

Something flickered in his head again at that. Like a light going on. A dim one. “The trigger words aren’t meant for me Steve.” He said in a thoughtful tone, his mind still searching for something elusive. “They’re meant for the Soldier to hear and respond to.” His eyes flicked back to Steve. “I’m just the host remember?”

Steve put his hands on his shoulders and just sort of looked hard into his eyes. “But you’d still be present Buck.” He reminded him. “A part of you is usually still present.”

The light was brightening in his head now. And it was lighting up something he hadn’t been entirely honest about. Remembering something about losing minutes here and there when out and about. While on his jog. Blinking at one point and being further away when his eyes opened back up.

“Unless I wasn’t.” Bucky said finally, looking at Steve with understanding in his own eyes. “I think whatever happened, happened when I was completely him.” He swallowed a bit before finishing. “That’s why he remembers it and I don’t.”

Steve looked confused, trying to work this out. “Bucky I’m always with you when that happens.” He said and looked like he was thinking too. “I would’ve remembered something like that.”

“Not always Steve.” Bucky countered, looking down at his hands. “Remember when I… I flipped at the doctor’s office a few days ago?” He bit his lip, finally realizing this. “It wasn’t the only time.. I think it might’ve happened when I was out jogging too.” He met his eyes again. “I had an occasion or two when… I’ve lost time.”

“What?” Steve asked incredulously. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because it was only a few minutes each time and it didn’t seem like a big deal.” Bucky answered as best he could as he why he didn’t mention this. “I just thought I got in a zone or something, you know like when you drive the same route every day you just zone out and forget how you got home.”

This was an actual thing Bucky knew, where you just tuned out your surroundings and almost went on automatic pilot. But he knew with his mental issues he probably should’ve said something about this. Even though nothing really came out of it, he always came back in before the Soldier could freak out in public. But now that he was thinking about it he couldn’t stop turning it over in his head.

“It’s different with you Buck and you know that.” Steve said, as if echoing these thoughts. “How many times did this happen?”

He scrunched his face up again, trying to remember. “A couple times I think.” He said, feeling a headache just trying to recall it. “And it was always around.. the same place in my jog.” He was starting to get a little scared now. “Something just made me go… blank..”

It wasn’t long after that he’d started feeling off, and ‘slipping’ as he called it. And then server cold spell started. There was a tickle in his mind of a word or a sound right before too, but it was really making his head hurt to think about it. He knew this wasn’t accidental now. Someone had done this deliberately. Which meant there was someone out there who knew how to trigger him. The Colonel might’ve been dead but… it didn’t mean he couldn’t still hurt him even now. He still had people out there. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure of it. As paranoid as he felt, he knew he was right. He just knew it.

“Someone did this Steve.” Bucky told him, his eyes wide. His metal hand gripped Steve’s arm tightly. “Someone’s fucking with me.”

Steve put his hands on his face and looked in his eyes, trying to calm him. “I was thinking that too Buck.” He said to him. “Someone out there knows some of your triggers and until we can get them out you’re in danger.” He reached for his phone as if he was gong to call someone. “So we have to figure who it is.”

He knew it was at least another day before Pam would allow any procedure to be done on him. And while he knew rationally that he was safe here, that between Tony security system and Shuri’s Wakandan guards, the place was secure, the irrational part of him, the one that popped occasionally, was terrified that person would get to him again. And lord knows what those other triggers did. He couldn’t remember any of that programming and most likely never would.

“How ware we gonna find some random person on the street if I can’t fucking remember?” Bucky asked, feeling a bit desperate now. “It hurts my head to even try to.”

Steve kept his hand on Bucky’s face, holding it steady. “The Soldier remembers.” He replied, as if this should be obvious. “We need to ask him.” Lifting his other hand he cradled his face and looked harder into his eyes. “Can you bring him out?”

Bucky did an internal search as he held Steve’s eyes with his own. “He’s kinda hard to find right now.” He admitted. “He tends to.. retreat when I have to come here.” He took a heavy breath and did a harder search. “But I can try.”

His eyes flicked to the restraints on the bed, wondering if they would be needed this time. Steve gave him a look at that as if to say no. If anyone could both restrain and keep the Soldier calm while he was here it was Steve. The other times he’d stayed here, Steve had managed just fine. So he went back to his search and tried to locate him.

_Soldier? _He asked in his head, his eyes closed, trying to blot all other sensory input so he could concentrate. . _Are you there?_

There wasn’t a response at first but then he heard him, a voice that sounded like his because it was. Just a different version of him. _We don’t like it here…_ it said from another corner of his mind. _Not safe._

I_ know I don’t either but.. Steve is here he’ll keep us safe.. and he needs to talk to you.. _he said back, reaching in the dark until it lit up a little. _He needs to ask about the rhyming man.._

_Steve?_ The other voice again, coming closer now. Almost there. _Safe?_

_We’re always safe with Steve_ Bucky told him and then he was right there, he could feel that strangely familiar sensation that second person in his head and he gave him the floor for Steve.

The Soldier opened his eyes and saw Steve sitting across from him. He hated being here in this place, but Steve made him feel better about it. His eyes darted around the room making sure no one else was there though. It seemed safe for now. So he smiled at Steve and wrapped his arms around his arm. The right one felt funny, almost like it wasn’t there completely and he didn’t understand this. Thinking it had something to do with that cold that happened before but was gone now.

“Steve?” He said leaning his face against his. “Our Steve.”

“HI Soldier.” Steve said and gave him a soft kiss. “I missed you l”

He’d missed Steve too, but he hadn’t felt safe enough to come out fully until now. He still didn’t feel safe completely it was okay because Steve would protect them he knew. Not that he couldn’t take care of himself if he needed to. His body was tensed and ready in case he had to.

“Missed Steve too.” He told him, turning his face so their lips were closer.

“Soldier I need to ask you something.”

He pulled back just a little to look in his eyes., he knew what Steve was going to ask. “About the rhyming man?” He answered promptly. “We saw him on the street.. He made us cold.”

He saw Steve’s face at that revelation. “What man?” He asked. “Who was he?”

The Soldier for his part only remembered the man because, well, he’d been dormant and then was suddenly pulled to the front without any warning at all. Usually Bucky asked for him first, but this time hew was just… there. Standing on a semi-crowded street, blinking, confused and more than a bit scared at the amount of people around him. But his attention was focused on that man, standing there, holding what looked like a cup and staring at him with a pair of brown eyes that looked familiar to him.

_Hello Soldat…_ He’d said and then said that sing-song rhyme in the same language. The Soldier’s primary language. Russian. The sound of that rhyme was familiar too. He’d heard it before.

He pushed his mind a little harder, trying to find that memory. A flash came in from Bucky’s side of a room. Steve next to him. And two other people. A blonde woman and… the other... a book pushed out in front of him.

_We know it has probative value, but that also that it was used by Zemo to trigger you. We need to know how that works if we are going to convict him for this too.” _

The Soldier looked up at Steve, not necessarily understanding the reason this showed up. It just had. Because it was the same man. Who’d said the rhyme to him. On more than one occasion too. Because he’d seen him more than once out there. And Bucky’s memory was not the only reason the man was familiar. A faint memory tugged slightly but wouldn’t come clear.

From then. Before Steve. But he couldn’t grasp it. So he ignored it for now.

“We don’t know his name.” He told Steve. “But we knew him. He was with the blonde woman that talked to us that time.” The Soldier dug through his head again. “In.. Germany?”

This seemed to be both the right answer and the wrong one at the same time based on Steve’s reaction to it. He didn’t say anything at first, just had a stunned reaction on his face, which caused the Soldier to reach out, a little concerned. Putting his metal hand, because the other still wouldn’t work right, on Steve’s face. He couldn’t figure out the look totally. Usually when someone had looked like that around him it meant bad things though. But Steve was different he knew.

“You sure it was Germany?” He asked the Soldier, his hand on his shoulder. “You’re absolutely sure?”

“Think so.” The Soldier answered, just wanting to be right about this. “You were there too.” He sat up a little more, leaning closer to Steve on this strange bed. “Steve? Okay?”

Steve nodded, reached out and put both his hands on the Soldier’s face for a moment. “Yeah I’m okay.” He assured him, before kissing his head softly. Which the Soldier always liked. “I have to make a phone call okay?”

The Soldier, happy he got it right about the rhyming man. And waited for Steve to finish what he was doing. He was very hungry. But he could wait until Steve was done first. One thing that had been hammered into him was to never interrupt something important like this. Not for anything He wasn’t worried about Steve smacking him or anything. He wasn’t like them. But the old habit was still there.

He waited instead, trying to decipher Steve’s conversation as he did. Taking it in silently like he always had. Being quite and observant was something he’d learned well too. It often meant survival to do so. He’d gotten good a survival too.

But he didn’t feel safe either. So he just kept his eyes trained on Steve for now. _Steve is safe.._ he repeated and this mantra relaxed him for the moment.

\--

The information the Soldier had given him had shocked Steve. He hadn’t thought much about Germany. So much had happened since then it was easy to misplace it. He meant back in December Steve was sure, based on the Soldier’s vague description of events. He’d thought for a moment it was confused memory of Zemo but once he said Steve himself had been with him, he knew.

The agent that had been with Sharon. The one who’d been so adamant that Bucky translate and explain the red Hydra book, was the same man according to the Soldier, who’d triggered him on the street. He’d wanted to press him further but knew it would be pointless, the Soldier was being honest in what he remembered and wasn’t solidly present on that occasion. And he didn’t want to do it here. Wanted to put the Soldier at ease because even though he seemed calm, it could change any minute. Like if someone strange happened to walk in right now. So agitating him further was out of the question.

But he was going to call Sharon and have her look into this. He knew she wasn’t involved. But she might have information. So staying right there, not going away from the still slightly confused Soldier, he made the call. Leaving her a message because she was overseas right now.

“Hey Sharon it’s Steve.” He said as he watched the Soldier, eyeballing his right arm curiously now. “When you get this call me back it’s important. Really important.”

Hanging up he turned back to the Soldier, who was looking at him questioningly about his arm. “Can’t feel fingers.” He said to Steve, wiggling them a little. “Why?”

“Bucky was sick, and it made you really cold remember?” He explained, picking up his hand and rubbing it a little. “It hurt your fingers and toes, but they’ll feel better in a few days okay?”

The Soldier still seemed confused but accepted this explanation for now. “Hungry.” He then added, looking a little nervous to ask for some reason. “Food?”

“Of course.” Steve answered, getting him to lay back down gently. “You can have whatever you want we got special pull here.”

He just looked so adorable at that moment, as if surprised he was allowed to ask for things still. Even something as simple as food.Reaching over he brushed one of those brown tendrils out of those beautiful eyes, seeing them flutter as his fingers touched the skin. Dark lashes closing briefly over those teal blue irises. Sometimes it seemed like the Soldier, and Bucky for that matter, still were getting used to this kind of touch, because he also occasionally saw a wince if he moved his hand too quick, so he was always careful to do it slowly.

“Peanut butter and… jelly?” The Soldier asked as if searching for the right name. “Raspberry?”

“Think I can manage that.” Steve told him, patting his leg with his other hand. “Anything else?”

The Soldier smiled beautifully at that. “Ice cream?”

“As you wish.” Steve told him and went to get up. Seeing that cute smile turn to fear, he stopped for a moment. “I’ll be right back I promise, just gotta tell the nurse.” He put his hand back on his face gently. “Okay?”

The Soldier nodded, even though he still looked a bit worried. “Okay.”

Getting up he then went to the door, calling the nurse to tell her what they wanted for lunch. When he came back the Soldier was picking a little at the tape around his catheter, and he had to, very carefully, put his own hand on it to stop him. The other looked up at him with irritation and confusion, bit his lip like Bucky did.

“Don’t pull on that alright?” He told him gently. “You could hurt yourself.”

“Don’t like it.” The Soldier said with a little more irritation. “Feels funny.”

Steve put his hand on the back of his head and kissed it again. “I know but you need it right now.” He said softly against his head. “So you gotta keep it in.”

“Don’t like it here.” The Solider added, wrapping said right arm around Steve’s arm like a snake curling around a branch. “Want to go home.”

“Me too.” He told him, rubbing his face against his. “Me too.”

Turning the hand over in his own, Steve looked down to see the bruising on both his wrist and upper arm, almost bookending the catheter tape. The former from the restraints and the latter from Steve’s own hand from having to hold him down yesterday. Remembering the panic and stress of that whole day. How Bucky’s heart had stopped, and Pam had to hit him with the adrenaline just to get it started again. Remembering how cold he’d been, almost ice cold at one point, his skin taking on a bluish tint to it. The pinkish purple on his fingers and toes that was just starting to fade now.

That he had to keep going through these kind of things over and over again.

He felt so much anger toward this person, who he hadn’t liked then due to that ambush but realized he hadn’t liked him to begin with. Thinking maybe it was it just his general protectiveness of Bucky that had caused that. Or that maybe it was just 20/20 hindsight. But now he wanted a piece of him. Some time alone in a room to just.. explain things in his own way. Why you don’t mess with someone Steve Rogers loved. That there were consequences.

“Steve okay?” The Soldier asked, that somehow strangely warm metal hand on his face. As if he sensed this thought process.

“No I’m not Soldier.” He admitted, sliding closer to get an arm around him as he sat in his inclined bed. “Someone hurt you and Bucky and I’m angry at them.” He let his hand slide off the arm and rest on his hip, rubbing it softly through the sweatpants. “No should ever hurt you.”

“Steve protects us.” The Soldier said in a soft voice, that metal hand wrapping around the back of his neck, causing Steve’s own eyes to flutter at the touch. “Steve loves us.”

“I do Soldier.” He whispered to him, wrapping his arm more around his waist to pull him closer. “So very much.”

It was that scary, possessive kind of love again. That anyone would cause pain to something that was his. It made him growl in his throat, like a rumble in his chest that the he knew the Soldier could feel as well, and responded to by closing the distance and kissing him. Steve’s left hand ran over his thigh, feeling the warm skin before bracing it on the bed for balance. That snake like flesh arm, in spite of its limited abilities, wrapped itself tighter around Steve’s, the metal fingers of his other arm digging softly into his neck as their tongues moved gently together. Making him want him really badly at that moment. Fighting for control of himself and the intense need to take him right there as a means of comfort for himself. And he knew the Soldier would le him too. It’s why at that moment it didn’t feel quite right either. But controlling himself was hard. Very hard.

Fortunately, there was a knock at the door with lunch and it broke that up for now at least.

The Soldier was startled by the knock and immediately took a defensive posture, causing Steve to grip his hair softly, bringing his eyes to his. “It’s okay it’s just lunch.” He assured him, looking into his wide eyes. “I’m gonna go get it alright?”

He gave him a few more seconds to calm before getting up to grab the food. Which had a couple of very yummy looking PB & J’s as well as chocolate milk to wash it down with. And the ice cream of course. All of which the Soldier ate and drank with gusto fitting a starving child, making him seem to forget his slight agitation. It was always adorable watching him, and even Bucky, even sometimes. Because of their sheer enthusiasm for food in general.

Once he was done eating for the most part, but still finishing his ice cream, Steve decided to try and press him a little more on the man, Agent whatever, to glean any more information on him. But not before wiping some ice cream off his face and asking him something else first.

“Is Bucky okay?”

The Soldier looked up from his ice cream and got that thoughtful look again. “Tired.” He answered after a moment, dipping his spoon into his sundae again. “Resting.”

“That’s good.” Steve answered, brushing his hair with his fingers as he talked. “You guys had a long day yesterday.” He slid over a little more onto the bed and pulled one of the Soldier’s legs over his lap as he did, alternatively rubbing each of his sock-clad feet. “Can you tell me a little more about the rhyming man? Did he do anything else?”

The Soldier took another spoonful of his sundae and seemed to scrunch his face up as if thinking really hard. It was such a uniquely Bucky look he had to smile. “We think he said other things.. “

“What other things.” Steve prodded gently as he continued to massage his feet.

“Things the others said.” The Soldier said as he finally finished his ice cream, putting the empty cup on the tray. “Hard to remember… makes Bucky’s head hurt.”

“Why doesn’t he remember?” Steve asked, seeing if the Soldier knew why this was. “Why only you?”

Laying back against the raised back of the bed the Soldier close his eyes, as if tired. Probably was. “The words always make Bucky go away.” Was his answer to that as he relaxed more under Steve’s touch. “They hurt him.” He pointed to his head. “Here.”

Steve rubbed those still somewhat numb toes, listening to this semi-revelation. Knowing the programming hurt him almost just as much as the torture and abuse had. But Bucky had never really talked about the how’s of it. Likely because he didn’t remember it all that much. It was in a deep, painful part of his head. Buried under everything else. Nothing about any of it was easy to get Bucky to talk about even if he remembered it, and Steve could respect that and never wanted to push him, or the Soldier, harder than they could handle at the time. But the truth was, the Soldier was more likely to tell him, just because his general honesty and eagerness to please him.

“What about you?” He asked carefully just the same. “Did it hurt you?”

He saw his face pinch again, shades of Bucky when a tender wound got touched. “It did..” He replied, the voice steady even if the half-closed eyes registered the pain acutely. “But we were used to it.”

Whenever he’d hear him or Bucky say something like that, it was like a physical kick to the gut. Because it continually confirmed those trigger words were physically painful for them to hear. He thought about how Bucky had been locked in that cage with Zemo reading from that book and how terrifying it must’ve been knowing what was coming and unable to stop it. How much it must ‘ve hurt. To think that this man, the rhyming man as he called him, had hurt him like that too was more than enough to make that anger grow. He felt it at the same level he felt it at the Colonel. At anyone who’d hurt him in any way really.

“You shouldn’t have to get used to being hurt Soldier.” He said softly to him, running his thumbs over the sides of his feet. “You know that right?”

The Soldier was looking at the wall, tendrils of brown hair hanging by those beautiful eyes, softening his face, and giving him a delicate look, one that many wouldn’t associate with who he used to be. One didn’t think of the Winter Soldier as fragile in that way, with his laser focused steel gaze and a deliberate set to his body, the imminent danger he posed. But he was and always had been below that tightly controlled machine. Because he was always the deeply hurt core of Bucky himself. And the line between them right now was blurred to the point of near transparency. The shared pain bound the two halves together it was hard to tell them apart now.

“Now yes.” He responded after a few moments of silence, his flesh fingers flexing as if testing the arm. “But not then.”

Steve continued rubbing his feet softly, just watching him stare off into space still. As much as that statement hurt knew there wasn’t much he could say to take that pain away right now. “How about this?” He asked instead. “How does this feel?”

The Soldier turned to his head to look at Steve finally and smiled slightly. “Feels better. Steve feels good.”

He saw his eyes flutter shut again, his head laying back against the pillow. He seemed totally relaxed now almost as if he’d forgotten where he was for now. In fact, he was pretty sure he’d fallen asleep. So very carefully, he slid his feet off his lap and pulled the sheet back over him. Pam said he’d probably sleep a lot today as well. That it was good for him to do it. And that he would definitely need the rest for the trigger removals, which Shuri had indicated would be rough on him to do. So he was happy to let him sleep as much as possible these days.

Brushing his hair back he gave him another kiss on the head, he just sort of watching him as he was afraid he’d disappear again. And it was good timing as his phone buzzed in his pocket. Pulling it out he saw it was Sharon calling him back and he promptly answered it, being as quiet as possible.

“I got your message.” She said over the phone, sounding a bit concerned. “What’s going on?”

Taking a deep breath, he answered. “Where do I begin?”

He then proceeded to explain to her the situation with Bucky and the information he’d just gotten regarding the Agent in question. Sharon had been surprised by this, stating that she hadn’t known the man that he’d been assigned to her that day to help with the deposition. That his name was Tanner and he’d seemed very interested in the assignment.

“You are sure about this right?” She asked. “Because I know his memory can be a bit strange sometimes.”

“I’m sure.” Steve confirmed. “I didn’t even have to lead him into it, he just came out with it on his own.”

“Now that I think about it he was a little too eager to be involved.” Sharon stated, and to Steve she sounded a little upset. “Steve if this is true, I swear I had no idea he meant him any harm.”

“I know you didn’t Sharon.” He assured her as walked around the room. “I know you had nothing to do with any of it.”

“J can be in town in a few hours.” She told him. “I’ll get people I know I can trust on finding out who he really is and where he is right now. We’re going to fix this I promise.”

He put his hand on his head, grateful for her help as well. They really did have a lot of friends. He assured her she’d be able to get in, he’d put her on the short list. When he got off the phone, he felt a little better but not much. He wanted to know who this Agent Tanner was and why he wanted to hurt Bucky like this. He felt his own fists clench just thinking of what he might do if he had time alone with him.

“So what did he say?” He heard Bucky ask suddenly and turned to see his eyes open. “And don’t lie to me punk cause I’ll find out.”

Steve felt pained, not wanting to lay this on him but he also knew he couldn’t hide it or protect him from it either. “He said you ran into someone while jogging Buck.” He told him, his hand just doing the usual hair brushing thing. “That he said a rhyme to you and that’s what caused this.”

Bucky looked confused and a little terrified. “So some random guy on the street knew how to trigger me?”

“Well he’s.. not exactly random Buck.” Steve admitted, letting his hand rest on his arm to try and settle him again. “We’ve met him before.”

“Where?” Bucky asked, his eyes widening a bit more. “When?”

Steve hesitated for a moment before answering him. Because it was clear he was getting agitated again. But he could see the look in his eyes, that piercing one that said if he didn’t tell him he’d find out one way or another. It pointless to try keep anything from him he’d learned over the years.

“In Germany.” He told him, watching his face as he answered. “Back in December. He was the Agent that questioned you for your deposition.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes widen further. Could see the suspicion and paranoia come into them. Knowing he was remembering exactly how that had gone done. How he’d had a severe anxiety attack upon seeing the book. His second in a week’s time. Steve knew now it had been a deliberate move to upend him And he was thinking Bucky knew it on some level too. Knew he’d been setup in a way. He took his hand, just wanting to calm him down before he had another attack. He could see the edges of it in his eyes now. Heard the monitor beep as his heartrate increased.

“He’s Hydra.”” Was the next question, his blue eyes wide with way too much white showing. “Isn’t he?”

“Probably.” Steve answered, not bothering to try and reassure him. It was beyond that now. “But we don’t know for sure.”

Bucky pulled his hand away, crossing his arms around his chest at that. “Who else would it be?” Bucky asked although it wasn’t really a question. “I should’ve known.”

Steve stood up and put his hands on his face. “Known what Buck?”

“That would never be safe from them.” Bucky said flatly, but Steve saw his flesh hand shaking even inside the glove. “The Colonel should’ve been a warning that’s always one fucking more out there.”

“Listen to me Buck.” Steve told him, looking his eyes. “You are safe. No one will get to you here.”

Bucky shook his head, and even though he looked angry Steve knew it was only fear masking defiance. “If that fucker was able to con his way into a federal agency, he can to me again.” He told him adamantly. “Until this shit is out of me… I’m not safe.” He swallowed hard. “Maybe not even then. Maybe not ever.” He pulled back and ran his hands through his hair angrily. “I screwed up… I let my guard down.”

“Don’t do this to yourself.” Steve pleaded with him. “Not after all this time.. this is not your goddamn fault its theirs.”

Bucky just seemed to shake that off as if he wasn’t hearing it. Was actually making like he was going to get up. “I gotta get this shit out of my head right now.”

“No Buck you can’t.” Steve told him, trying to stop him. “Pam said you’re not ready.”

“I don’t give a shit about what she says about it!” He yelled at him, trying to push his way off the bed violently. “I’m a sitting duck staying here so just get her and tell we need to do it now!”

Steve got a hold of his arms and just held him there. “No.” He said firmly. “Not yet.”

“Let me go dammit!” Bucky continued to fight, pushing back with a little force himself. “t’s my fucking decision not yours or anyone else’s.” His eyes blazed at him. “Stop trying to fucking control me like they did so let go!”

He was literally quaking now, but it wasn’t from the cold this time. It was abject terror causing this particular outburst from him. Along with the general frustration of having no control over it all. He would never accuse him of that if was rational right now. He was having a long overdue breakdown over the whole ordeal. He’d come close a few times but here it was finally.

“You know that’s not true.” He told him calmly, countering the anger with that tone. “If I was like them I would already have you down in that bed and in those restraints and you know I could do it. Doesn’t matter how strong you are or how much you fight me either.”

Steve saw a hint of dangerous sass in those eyes when he said that. “Something tells me you’d like that punk.” He hissed at him, almost right in his face. “Don’t bother denying it.”

“I won’t.” Steve answered, perfectly willing to play the game a little. “But I’m also not going to let you put yourself at risk when you’re clearly not well either.” He kept his grip on the metal arm and then fisted his hair with the other one. “So… at ease Soldier.”

That always worked on him and this was no exception. The anger seemed to leave him, and the metal hand unclenched itself. Steve could clearly see the anger fade in his eyes, just l leaving the fear there when it did. They were big and round and blue, looking into his painfully. Full of raw vulnerability that just brought out the protectiveness in him instantly.

“I don’t know what else they put in my head Steve.” He said in a broken voice, his face contorting a bit. “I can’t remember.” He reached out with his flesh hand and gripped his shirt. “I’m scared.”

He let go of the metal arm at that admission and just pulled him into his arms. Holding him up because his feet were still getting the feeling back in them and weren’t steady yet. He kept his hand buried in his hair and nuzzled his face into it as well. Feeling Bucky grip him with both hands now as he shuddered against his shoulder.

“I know you are.” He whispered into his hair. “I got you.”

He didn’t say anything else at that moment, because he knew anything he said would sound like a hollow attempt at reassurance. As long Agent Tanner was still out there and Bucky wasn’t well enough to go through what would be a day long grueling procedure, there was no way he could assure him of anything right now. What he needed was comfort right now, not hollow reassurances and that’s What Steve gave him.

But he was going to keep him safe, even if it meant he never left his side. Never got sleep. Until the threat was disposed of, he would get very little rest himself. Protecting Bucky was far more important right now.

\--

When he’d finally calmed down enough to sit down on the bed, Bucky had time reflect on this particular breakdown. He hadn’t had an all-out one like this in a while if he was being honest. His heart was still hammering a little in his chest, like it was last night, but for an entirely different reason.

The adrenaline in his body he produced on his own, it didn’t have to be injected this time.

“Feel better?” Steve asked him, that comforting hand just stroking hair gently.

“Depends on what you mean by better.” He quipped a little, his hands gripping the side of the bed as he sat there. “Cause that’s kinda relative punk.”

“You know what I mean jerk.” Steve replied, smiling that soft, yet occasionally irritating smile. The one that made Bucky’s heart leap in a different way. “Are you calmer?”

Bucky did an inner search and realized he was quite a bit calmer actually. It as amazing how Steve could do that. He could be in full tilt meltdown and he just… put his hand in his hair and grip it a little and it was like a switch got shut off, causing to go limp like a scruffed cat.

“Yeah I am.” He told him, smiling himself. “You pulling my hair seems to work wonders for me.”

That hand rested on said hair, sending a sweet, calming shiver through him. A pleasant one. His eyes actually fluttered in response to it, body swaying slightly forward as he did. Yup Steve had more than a few superpowers it seemed.

“I stick with what works.” Steve said in a low voice, causing Bucky to lift his eyes to look at him. “Whatever makes my grumpy bear feel better.”

Bucky thought it was more like turning an angry lion into a purring kitten. It was hard to define the feeling, but it was one of calmness. He just looked up into those beautiful eyes and let them calm him further. Until he felt a bit remorseful as well.

“I’m sorry punk.” He said to him with regret, lifting his one properly functioning hand, his metal one and sort of played with the buttons on Steve’s shirt. “Just can’t stop being an asshole sometimes,”

“That was just you reacting Buck.” Steve told him, just brushing his hair gently. “It’s okay.”

“It’s more than that Steve.” He said thoughtfully, biting his lower lip. “It’s like I can handle 50 different types of weapons but not my damn emotions.” He twirled a button in his fingers reflectively. “Never could really so I just bury them.. or lash out..” He pinched his face painfully. “There’s no in between there.”

“You’re doing okay Buck.” Steve said in that same soft voice. “You just got a lot going on so cut yourself some slack.”

“I’m not good at that either I’m afraid.” He told him, still play8ing with that button. “I’m just relentlessly masochistic that way.”

He felt a thumb run over his face and had swallow hard in reaction to it. “That’s what I’m here for jerk.. to keep you from hating on yourself too much.”

“Well I do hate myself a lot less when you’re around punk.” He whispered to him. “So I guess that’s something.”

Steve’s hand went to his chin and lifted it to look up at him. “I wish you wouldn’t hate yourself at all.”

“It’s kind of a hard habit to get out of punk.” He admitted, swallowing a little because he was feeling that raw vulnerability creep in again. “I felt ugly and used for a long time it’s gonna take more than a few years to beat it out of me.” He sighed again, giving a little half smile. “Especially after it took decades to beat in.”

Steve’s eyes got really soft at that. “’I’m not beating anything out of you Buck.” He told him as he leaned down a little to kiss the top of his head. “I’m gonna love it out of you if it takes me the rest of my life.”

Just that statement alone made him want to cry again, so instead he just pressed his face into his shirt, holding it tight in his hands as he did. Letting himself process what he now knew. The danger that was lurking out there somewhere. This time he didn’t know who or why though, and that almost made it worse. Because unlike with the Colonel he couldn’t predict the next move. Couldn’t identify the threat as easy because it could be anywhere at any time. And he just had a hard putting how much that terrified him into words.

Because the real danger came from the unknown triggers in his head. And he might be able to turn them off, but he can’t stop his mind from reacting to them. From making him dangerous to himself, or worse, to others if the wrong thing got set off.

“I want Pam to look in on you later okay?” He heard Steve say to him, his hand just stroking Bucky’s hair now. “Just to make sure you’re alright after that.”

Bucky nodded against his stomach, in no mood to argue anymore. The fight, for the moment at least, had left him. He just felt so raw, so exhausted after his outburst. Wanting to curl up in his own bed, in Steve’s arms, with a purring cat next to him, and just not think about anything anymore. But there were things left to do before he could truly do just that. Painful things that he was not looking forward to.

He let Steve lay him down fully on the bed, feeling his head sink back into the pillow as he did. He watched as Steve got him comfortable again, making sure his still on the mend feet were covered. Just taking care of him so tenderly, it made him feel emotional again. Having that old feeling of not deserving this at all.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?” He asked, just staring at him with big eyes.

“I think I have an idea.” Steve answered, bracing his arms on either side of him as he did. “But it can’t be as much as I love you jerk.”

They could have this debate for years he knew, just who loved who more. But they both knew the other would literally die for them if it came down to it. Bucky just answered this by grabbing his shirt again and pulling his lips to his, managing to get his metal hand around his neck and into his blonde hair. As it was he’d just about pulled Steve into the bed with him, hooking his leg around one of his.

“You know.. if we were.. home..” He breathed against his lips. “We’d be… naked right now..” He pulled his lips away and looked in his eyes from a mere inch away. “I’m kinda disappointed.”

“I know…” Steve answered, nuzzling him under his chin. “Me too..”

That was exactly how they usually ended up after an emotional blowout, with Steve basically plowing him into the headboard. And while they’d managed to sneak a quickie in yesterday it was kind of difficult to do it in here, as much as he wanted to. He just wanted to dig his fingers into his husband’s back and let him ruin him for the thousandth time. It comforted him for reasons he couldn’t quite explain to just be possessed like that. It made his mind feel strangely stable for some reason. He could actually feel himself whining low in his throat at the feel his body so close to his, wanting it so much.

Steve lifting his flesh arm and kissing the restraining bruises was not helping this feeling go away.

“It’s too bad.” Bucky told him, wrapping his leg around Steve’s hip a little more. “Cause I’m not wearing anything under these sweatpants you know?”

Steve lifted his head, nuzzling Bucky’s nose with his. “You’re not making this easy on me jerk.”

“I’m glad you caught on punk.” Bucky answered, digging his metal fingers into his neck. “Cause that was kind a point.”

Steve then got up a little, bracing himself with one arm and smiling down at him. “Hold that thought for just a minute.”

Bucky looked at him confused as he seemed to get up. “You better not leave me in this state Rogers.” He told him. “Cause I swear to God I’ll fucking tackle you right to the floor if I have to.”

He was literally in a hyped up enough state that he would’ve too. He would literally ride him right there on the floor. It wan insane need that needed some quenching. It sometimes happened after his ‘episodes’ as he called them and he was sure there some psychological reason for this, like a need to reassert control over himself. Whatever it was, it made him not even care that he was in a hospital and had nearly died the night before. He just… needed it badly. Sex was his true sedative, calming the savage beast inside. And he’d long since accepted this about himself.

And Steve, to credit, always seemed to understand this too. And more importantly, when it was okay to indulge this addiction and when it wasn’t. He was very intuitive when it came to that these days.

“Don’t worry boo bear.” Steve told him, kissing him quickly again. “I’ll be right back.” He slid off the bed and went to the door for a moment. “Just wanna make sure we have no interruptions is all.”

He amused himself by getting an eyeful of that gorgeous ass encased in those jeans. Feeling like he wanted to take a big bite out of it. It felt good to feel normal like that, almost he was home. He saw Steve lean out the door for a minute as if talking to someone, then put something on the door, causing Bucky to smile to himself. It was the damn sign he’d used the other night. He then watched him lock the door and saunter back over to where Bucky was half sitting, half laying and climb aboard himself, before pulling him back into his arms. Bucky smirked and let his metal hand slide into the pocket of those annoying jeans and squeezed his ass through them.

“Only you could look hot putting a sign on a door punk.” He teased, his lips skating over Steve’s. “I am suck a lucky guy.”

Steve growled and handful of Bucky’s hair. “I love putting on a show for you darlin’” He said in a husky that just loosened up Bucky further. “Now where we?”

He was kissed even more fiercely than before, tongues wrestling softly against each other. Steve’s hand wandered inside the aforementioned sweatpants, pushing them down over his hips. And he was then laid down briefly so they could be pulled off. Removed gently and put aside until Bucky was just wearing the tank. Steve’s face pressed into his stomach right there on the bed, as if inhaling him, before nuzzling and kissing the skin there softly.

“What do you need my love?” Steve purred against his skin. “Tell me.”

Bucky let his metal fingers play in Steve’s hair as he laid his head against the pillow. “Just you doll..” He breathed in return, his eyes fluttering closed. “Just you.”

He was then just lifted effortlessly into his lap, the blanket wrapped around his waist, legs straddling Steve’s as he looked down at him with deep, clear love and desire. He needed this so much, feeling so much stress lately, he needed a daily blowout just to help him relax, to make him feel safe again. Because in these moments were the only time he felt completely stable. Completely himself.

“I love you Buck.” Steve whispered against his lips, strong hand buried in his hair. “I love you so damn much.”

Bucky’s eyes opened, looking directly in his, once socked foot hanging over both Steve’s leg and the bed. “I love you more punk.” He told him, both metal and flesh hands on his shoulders. “Don’t even argue.. with me..”

He heard Steve growl softly at that, pulling his hair to expose his neck, fastening his lips there as he slid up and into him, causing Bucky to moan thickly. His metal fingers dug into his neck at every sweet upward thrust, and he became peripherally aware of something interesting as well.

The numbness in his fingers and toes was fading, causing them to sting tingle as the pleasure rose in his body. It was such a stunning sensation it just added to what he was feeling in this intimate moment between them. He curled his toes and flexed his fingers inside the glove, squeezing Steve’s shoulder as he moved with more purpose himself, gritting his teeth as he did.

The strength was returning to his body, causing that early worry to fade for now in a sea of pleasure.

When he came, he could feel it everywhere, even in the places he couldn’t feel before. He hung onto Steve, letting both his feet dangle under the blanket, the blue socks still on them even now. He buried his face in his shoulder, feeling one of those powerful, yet gentle hands holding him around the waist, the other still buried in his hair. At that moment, as the aftershocks ran through him, it felt like nothing could touch him. Nothing at all. He felt safe again.

“Hey punk guess what?” He murmured into his shoulder. “I can feel my damn feet now.” He chuckled, causing a shiver of pleasure to run through him at the movement. “Isn’t that something?”

Steve pulled on his hair just a little so they could lay their foreheads together. “Glad I could help.”

Bucky smiled, not wanting to separate just yet, letting his now tingling fingers dig into Steve’s back to show he could feel those too now. He was getting better physically. Not all the way there, but maybe enough to do what was left to do to fix this for good.

“You help in more ways than you realize.” Bucky told him, rubbing his face against his.

“I do wonder if I do enough though.” Steve said in a contemplative way, lifting the flesh arm again and kissing it softly, on that bruise just above the IV catheter. “I do feel pretty helpless sometimes.”

Bucky put both his hands on his face at that, looking in his eyes as he did. “Don’t you doubt yourself either.” He told him, kissing his forehead just under his blond hair. “You’ve always been my hero punk.”

Wrapping Steve up in his arms, Bucky held him to shoulder, letting his face press into his left shoulder. He could feel Steve nuzzle aside his tank a little and bury his face into that sensitive scar tissue and sighed, metal fingers digging into his hair. He meant every word he said. Even when Steve was a skinny little punk Bucky had always looked up to him, he was always his hero. He’d drawn strength off him even then.

“I wish I could’ve protected you more Buck.” Steve whispered into that shoulder, causing a shiver to go through Bucky as he did. That skin was super sensitive.

“You’re doing it now.” Bucky said into his hair. “That’s all that matters.” He tangled his metal fingers into Steve’s hair and put his lips to his ear. “Let the rest go baby.”

That soft term of endearment he used, had the desired effect of causing Steve to bury his face further into that shoulder, his hand holding Bucky against him as he loved on it. As if he could take it away with his kiss, and in some ways he did. Bucky, in response, simply pulled his legs up and wrapped them around his back, holding him in every way possible to provide his own comfort as well.

Steve might’ve been bigger now but he was still his little punk. And he’d take care of him too.

Eventually he was laid back down and Steve laid down next to him, wrapping him up in his arms as he did. With his head resting on both Steve’s arm, and his own metal one curled under the pillow he felt himself start to fall asleep, feeling a warm hand rubbing him sweetly inside his sweatpants. He didn’t quite remember Steve putting back on him, but he must’ve at one point. The sensation was lulling him to sleep, along with the renewed warmth and strength in his body.

“What if… someone needs to come in?” He asked sleepily, snuggling against Steve, bandaged and gloved right arm propped over Steve’s waist.

“I told them to call me.” Steve told him, nuzzling Bucky’s forehead. “Now got to sleep jerk, contrary to what you think you still need to rest.”

“God you sound like such a mom Rogers.” Bucky sassed, his eyes barely opened. “Which is freakin weird after we just fucked and all.”

“Shut that potty mouth jerk.” Steve told him, giving him a light spank on the ass he’d been rubbing. “And close those pretty eyes..”

“Or what?” Bucky challenged, feeling a bit playful. “You gonna spank me again?” He grinned and wiggled his ass against Steve’s hand. “Cause I’m not gonna lie but I kinda enjoy that punk.”

Steve shook his head. “Of course you do.” He said, using the hand attached to the arm Bucky was currently laying on to grip his hair. “Now got to sleep Sergeant.”

The command in his voice had the desired effect on Bucky, making him relent. “Aye aye Mon Capitan.”

Once his eyes closed it turned out to be the easiest time he had going to sleep while here. No aid of drugs or anything. The comfort and warmth of his punks arms were more than enough for him at the moment.

\--

The sound of the phone buzzing on the table had startled Steve awake, almost to the point where he’d nearly fallen out of the bed. If Bucky hadn’t been practically wrapped around him in a sound sleep that was.

He’d been having a nightmare, in which a shadowy presence seemed to be just on the corner of his vision. Stalking Bucky and whispering words in Russian that seemed to make him go blank right next to him. Caused his eyes to roll over and respond in in the same language _Ready to Comply…_ No matter how hard he’d shake him it didn’t wake him up. Which caused him in turn to hold him a little closer in his sleep.

_He will always belong to us Captain.._ the voice would say from the shadows. _We programmed him that way.._

He started awake, shaking a little and holding Bucky for a moment. Brushing his hair as he slept, peacefully for the moment at least, in his arms. Shaking off the remainder of the dream and the worry it caused that they had still had controls in his head that could turn him or hurt him again. Could take him away from him one way or another. It was a fear he’d had inside for a while now, deeply buried but there just the same. That he would lose him to them in one way or another.

Steve just took his time shaking this off, knowing he’d never let that happen. Ever.

Finally turning and grabbing it to look. It was from Pam, saying she was coming to check on him. That was a good damn thing he thought, even after they’d released their tension so to speak, he seemed better. But he would still tell her about Bucky’s episode just the same.

Carefully extracting himself as to not wake him, Steve got up and unlocked the door so she could come in. He was given an appraising look as if she could guess what they’d been up to but didn’t say anything about it. She understood them quite well.

“He had some… anxiety earlier.” Steve told her, standing back with his hands on his hips. “Got a bit agitated.”

“The readings do say that yes.” She confirmed and checked his other vitals. “But he seems better now. Picking up his hand she took off the glove to inspect his fingers. “The colors improving too.”

“He said he could feel his fingers and toes again.” He also told her. “So I guess that’s good.”

“Yes it is.” Pam confirmed, checking his heartrate as he slept. “Everything looks much better now. “

“So will he be able to do any of that tomorrow?” He asked curiously. “Or does he need to wait a little longer.”

“I can’t really make a judgement yet on that.” Pam told him, turning to him as she talked. “I’ll know better in the morning and I’m keeping Shuri apprised of his progress.” She seemed to think for a moment, putting the stethoscope back around her neck. “She says it was particularly hard on him last time, and that was just one sequence of triggers, so we want to be really careful how hard we push him right now.”

Steve nodded and looked at Bucky, who was still on his side sleeping, metal arm still under his head. “Whatever you think is best.” He told her, crossing his arms. “We trust your judgement.”

He did so much. She had always done what was in Bucky’s best interest, even if it meant being extra careful and Steve was grateful for than more than anything. He and Bucky both tended to make decisions based on emotions and sometimes a level head was required. He watched her as she looked at his arm, above and below the catheter, where there some minor bruising, causing him to feel a little sick that he had had to hold him down that hard.

“It’s not bad.” She assured him. “Stop beating yourself up on that you didn’t have a choice.”

“Yeah he tells me that a lot.” Steve told her, sighing a little. “But he’s just been hurt so much I just..”

Pam shook her head, her long dark bangs swinging ass she did. “There’s a big difference and you know it.” She reminded him and added. “I hated having to do what I did too last night but we did it to help him not hurt him and he knows that.”

Pulling down Bucky’s tank just a little she examined the bruising where she ‘d given him the shot as well, checking for any swelling. There wasn’t any thankfully. He didn’t have a bad reaction to the shot because some did, she’d told Steve the night before. He got her point there rather easily.

“Now how much sleep have you gotten?”

“A little.” He admitted, shrugging. “Off and on.”

“Get some more.” She told him, her dark eyes glaring at him. “Doctors orders.”

“I will.” He replied, leaning against the bed. “I promise.”

Once she’d finished up, she left him alone with Bucky again, and Steve heard his phone buzz yet again. Nat this time, he’d left her a message earlier so he could let her in on the news. And so she could help them both out, and coordinate with Sharon as well. Who was currently on her way as well. He told her she could come up so they could talk and share information.

Once she was there, she gave him a nice warm hug, which he didn’t realize he’d needed so much until then. “You alright?” She asked over his shoulder.

“Not really but.” He answered as he pulled back. “I will be when we track down this guy and get that crap out of Bucky’s head.”

Nat looked over at Bucky, who still sleeping soundly. “He does look better that’s one good thing.” She observed and then pulled up a chair, motioning for Steve to sit down. “So what do we know?”

Steve sighed for a moment and pulled out his phone. “Sharon sent me some information on him before she got on the plane.” He explained, finding the files as he talked. “He’s a federal agent or at least pretending to be one, named Tanner.”

“It’s takes quite some skill to fool a federal agency.” Nat mused, pulling her red hair back into ponytail to get it out of her face. “Although I do know how to do it so… it’s not unheard of.”

Finding the file Steve pulled it up and showed her. “This is what he looks like.” He told her. “At least when he got his badge.”

He saw a funny look on Nat’s face as she studied the picture for a moment. “I know him.”

“What?” Steve answered, shocked at this, although maybe he shouldn’t have been. “From where?”

“When I was working for the KGB, he was an operative.” She explained, her green eyes squinting a little as she recalled it. “But his name wasn’t Tanner then it was… Tamarov.”

“He’s a Russian operative..” Steve said, knowing he shouldn’t be surprised by this at all. “Of course.”

“It makes sense he was a tech expert.” Nat continued, reading the rest of the info on the phone. “Forging documents would nothing to him.”

Steve didn’t really care about that at the moment. He had a bigger concern. “What would he want with Bucky?”

“That’s a good question.” Nat answered thoughtfully. “I guess we need to find out don’t we?”

Steve did have an inkling considering the Russian contingent of Hydra had Bucky for quite a while. Tanner, or Tamarov, whoever he was, didn’t look older than at least his late 30’s but Steve knew that didn’t mean shit, because he and Bucky were over 100 and looked that age too. And then there had been the Colonel, who’d been around Bucky early one but hadn’t looked anywhere near that old. They liked to mess around with that shit. Hew as certain he had some connection there. Possibly a sleeper agent of some kind. He wouldn’t put it past those bastards to have more people lurking about they didn’t know about.

“Well considering how well Hydra infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D and other agencies I’m gonna take a wild guess.” He said, with a hint of bitterness in his voice. “We know there are still some out there and I’ll bet this bastard is one of them.”

Nat nodded her head at that, knowing it was true. “All the more reason to be sure thorough.” She reminded him pointedly. “For Bucky’s sake wo we know who we’re dealing with.”

Steve ran his hands through his hair and stood up. “I’m so tired of these assholes Nat.” He told her angrily. “They won’t leave him alone… just keep hurting him. As if they haven’t done that enough already.”

“We’re going to get him Steve.” She assured him, standing up and put her hand on his shoulder. “I promise.”

He reached down and just brushed his hair lovingly as Nat rested her chin on his shoulder watching him. He kept trying to wrap his brain around just how much they’d hurt him. How much of him they’d chipped away over the years and replaced with their own shit. Remembering Bucky earlier, in despair, tell him _I don’t know what else they put in there.. and I’m scared.._ It just made him so pissed off.

“I thought I knew how evil people could be but I had no idea until I got him back just how bad it was.” He confessed as he stood there. “How do treat a person a like that? I don’t get it.”

“Because he wasn’t a person to them that’s why.” Nat replied from behind them. “He was a test subject, an asset they could use for the own purposes.” He felt her pause behind him for a moment. “I now who that works all too well.”

Steve knew she did. She had her own past to overcome. Her own programming and training that she didn’t ask for either. If anyone could sympathize she could. If anyone could understand the depth that kind of depraved indifference she could. He took comfort in that she was on his side, along with many others on this one.

“This guy better hope I don’t find him..” He growled out loud. “Because I’ve had enough of this.”

Nat didn’t say anything to that, she didn’t have to. She knew how much he loved him. She knew he meant it. She didn’t try to dissuade him from these thoughts, she just let him express them as he gently brushed Bucky’s hair while he slept.

“How about I take you back to your house to wash up and change your clothes?” Nat suggested to him. “You’ve clearly been wearing the same ones for a couple of days now.”

“I’m fine Nat.” He told her, reluctant to leave him alone for any length of time. “I’ll just have Wanda bring me some clothes.”

“You need a shower punk.” Bucky said suddenly, his eyes opening a little to look at them. “I can smell you from over here.”

Steve smiled down at him. “I thought you liked the way I smelled jerk.”

“I do.” Bucky answered. “But it gets less and less alluring after a couple of days of man-stink just sayin…”

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’m a big boy Steve I think I can handle some time alone.” Bucky shot back at him, and then looked back at Nat. “Get him out of here before I kick him out.” He shifted a bit and chuckled. “My feet hurt too damn much for that right now.”

“Will do.” Nat answered, giving Bucky’s hand a squeeze. “Come on Rogers you heard him.. lets get you cleaned up so he can tolerate your presence.”

“And one of us needs to visit with the damn cat.” Bucky reminded him and smiled. “Give her some love for me will ya?”

“Okay.” Steve relented. “I can’t fight the two of you at the same time.” He leaned over and gave Bucky a kiss o the head. “I’ll be quick.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and gave him a playful shove. “Get lost punk.”

“I love you too jerk.” Steve told him, finally letting an amused Nat pull him away.

“You two are adorable.” Nat said as they left. “The cutest old farts I’ve ever seen.”

It was Steve’s turn to roll his eyes now. “Hilarious.”

It was nice to get out, to get a shower and see Arya, scampered over to Steve and literally jumped on him, purring like crazy as she did. “I missed you too sweetheart.” He cooed to her as she rubbed her face against his chest. “So does your other Daddy.. we’ll have to make a little something for him won’t we?”

She was being well cared for by Wanda, who peppered them with questions while he was home. He answered them best he could, assuring her Bucky was doing better today. But the whole time all Steve could think was something felt off. A weird feeling that made him want to hurry the fuck up. A sixth sense of sorts that said he shouldn’t leave Bucky alone too long, even though he knew he was capable of looking after himself, even in the state he was in.

He tried to tell himself he was just being a ‘worry-wort’ as Bucky like to say sometimes but he couldn’t shake it. Not even for a second, the whole time.

\--

After he’d basically kicked Steve out for a little while to clean up and such, Bucky had a little dinner, which included some actually really good tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. His meals here hadn’t been typical hospital fare considering he was a ‘patient of importance’ and all. Although he did not like to be thought of that way. He was still uncomfortable with special treatment he realized.

“I’m no more important than anyone else.” He complained when he was told this. “Everyone’s important.”

“Get used it to jerk.” Steve told him at that protest. “You’re getting pampered and that’s final.”

He’d actually kind of like the time alone, and hoped Steve was at least making an effort to at least go home and change, maybe take a shower and see the cat. Who Bucky missed terribly the last couple of days. Wanda told him on the phone she’d make an effort to sneak her in soon.

“I’m sure I could do it.” She told him over the phone earlier. “I got special privileges myself.”

Bucky chuckled at that. “I’d like to them try to stop you.” He told her. “That would entertaining as hell.”

He was sure even his Wakandan guards downstairs would find her pretty formidable. Talking to her had been fun. And testing Sam as well and shooting the shit so to speak. It made him feel normal under abnormal circumstances. Just like with Steve earlier, the more normal behavior he engaged in the better he was starting to feel about things in general. At least normal behavior for him, he thought to himself as he shifted slightly and smiled, still feeling the effects a little from that in his lower half. Not an unpleasant sensation at all he mused to himself.

So he turned on his side and took a nap, which wasn’t as comfortable without Steve’s broad chest to lay on. Which was his favorite pillow. His right arm hurt and couldn’t be restricted on too much because of the newly attached IV line. Which gave him some much-needed painkillers because now that the feeling was coming back in his fingers and toes, they were starting to hurt like hell. Another reason he couldn’t lay on that arm.

So his sleep wasn’t exactly solid. And it featured a strange dream that felt like a memory of sorts. Something that got jogged in his head and it just deepened a mystery for him.

_In it, he was training, learning new state-of-the-art weapons. At least the Soldier part of him was. And he was also, strangely, teaching as well. Some new people that looked strangely young. They seemed to be observing what he and his trainer/master were demonstrating to them. Not that he had much choice in it. He was in fact, on his chain just in case he got… uncooperative. Which happened when, in their words, his programming ‘malfunctioned’. _

_There was a kid, with jet-back hair and blacker eyes, who stood out from the rest. For very unsettling reasons too. _

Bucky had strange scattered memories of this child sometimes. He didn’t know what they meant. A first he thought it was some symbolic image his mind created. Then he thought maybe he were just another prisoner lined up to be killed. But he wasn’t sure now. He was starting to think he was recruited.

_He could feel those eyes boring into him as the Colonel ordered him to kill a prisoner right in front of this child. The Soldier part of him didn’t blink at this, conditioned to follow orders no matter what. But the part of him that was still Bucky had hesitated slightly, and for this he got belted across the face buy the butt of the Colonel’s revolver. The child in question watched this without blinking at all. In fact seemed to actually smile. A chilling one too. _

_“Disobedience is not allowed.” The Colonel stated in Russian, more to the boy than to him. “You must always correct that…” He pulled the chain, yanking him back to his feet to face him. “Even in the best Soldier’s need reminding sometimes.” _

_The boy nodded, and the Soldier, spitting blood out of his mouth, completed the order, cutting the throat of the prisoner efficiently, spewing red blood everywhere. And the boy, once again, never blinked. Was serene, like watching his favorite movie. And he still smiled that wicked smile when he was dragged off the Colonel’s personal quarters to fulfill other ‘duties’. Ones which left him in considerable pain afterward. The choppy dream/memory added a strange wrinkle though this time. _

_A sing song rhyme followed by a whisper in his ear “You deserve what you get Soldat… “ _

_The voice of both belonged to a child…_

The Soldier himself, while Bucky was dealing with this confusing and unpleasant memory via dream, was aware of something. A presence. Not a good one either. But because Bucky was so deep in REM sleep, he was unable to wake fully.

The air had a certain smell and feel around him. His senses in the dark had always been very good. He had learned to live quite well in it.

Someone was here that wasn’t supposed to be.

He could feel them now. Wanting to open his eyes and protect himself but couldn’t quite do it. Whatever they were giving him was keeping him asleep, and the Soldier did not have the power to override this anymore. Bucky had control of the switch for that more often than not. And Bucky was deep asleep. Heavily medicated.

_“Soldat…”_ a voice whispered in Russian, very close to his ear. _I know you can here me…it’s time to wake up.” _

The voice was familiar. He knew it. From back then. The Soldier’s memory, like Bucky’s, was still retrieving images like a cut-up movie real. Just pieces here and there. The voice made part of him want to override Bucky’s sleep and wake up fully, pulled in by the programming still in his head. But the other part, the one that had found a life outside the others control, one with love and happiness, resisted it hard.

“Not Steve..” He said in that sleep state, not realizing he was speaking out loud. “We don’t listen to you anymore.”

“You can’t ignore me forever..” It replied. “The cold is just the beginning of what I can do to you..” The presence seemed to step back at that point. “Of which you’ll find out… soon..”

And then the presence disappeared all together and the Soldier pushed his way through Bucky’s consciousness, shaking him awake, which seemed to be a relief for him because he was entertaining a very unpleasant dream. One that felt so real, when the Colonel was up close behind him in it, he actually felt the breath on his ear.. heard a voice say _Soldat.._ as he was waking.

And something felt off when he woke up fully as well, he couldn’t put his finger on what it was, just a twinge from the Soldier, whose paranoia about the hospital was still high he supposed. There was no one else in the room but him right now so it had to be that.

Or it could’ve been the residue of that very realistic nightmare. He wasn’t sure. There was an inkling of something. Something sinister in the air.

_Not safe.._ the Soldier said in his head in a warning voice. But not safe from what?

Once again Bucky scanned the room, which while not completely lit up, wasn’t so dark you couldn’t see every corner clearly. There really wasn’t anyone there. But that voice again._ Was here… while we were sleeping.. _

And that’s when Bucky looked at his feet, which he knew had been wrapped up in the blanket when he went to sleep. But they weren’t now.

The blanket was neatly folded next to him, as if someone had turned it over carefully and folded it.

The rational part of him said it had to be a nurse that had done it. But none of them had ever done that. Especially with a patient recovering what he had. Steve maybe? But that made no sense either. _It was him_ the Soldier’s voice said. _He was here.._

There was flash of memory of waking up sometimes in the Colonel’s chambers and the sheets were folded just like that next to his feet. In fact had been folded the whole time. A detail he’d never shared openly with anyone. Not even Amelia. One of the Colonel’s anal little quirks. But the Colonel was dead, he knew he was. But someone knew this and did it, he was sure. Someone who had been there at one point.

The action was subtle but held a purpose. And it caused the desired effect.

Bucky went from unsettled to terrified in a split second. No passing Go and collecting 200 dollars. Just straight to terror and paranoia. No one was supposed to be able to get in who wasn’t authorized. No one. But someone had while he’d been sleeping and sleeping soundly. While he’d been sedated. Like the man on the street, he let his guard down thinking he was safe but was he? Was he really?

And that dream just added to this as well. He wasn’t sure whether the drugs had caused it, or he’d actually remembered some new detail. Whatever it was it was it added to the terror he felt.

He’d been feeling fine earlier and now he wasn’t. Now all he wanted to do was run. He hadn’t felt that urge in a long time, but he felt it now. He looked at his IV, wanting to just rip it out and climb out the window. Anything was better than being trapped like this. At least outside he had a fighting chance.

It was his second anxiety attack of the day and no less severe. Only Steve wasn’t here to calm him this time. His heart was hammering and his breathing shortened, he could not get it under control.

_We have to get out…_ he heard in his head. _Not safe…_

His metal fingers actually reached for the line to pull it out, not caring about the consequences of it. And then he remembered Steve. Steve was coming back and would find him gone with his IV ripped out. With blood on the floor. Find him gone, if he even made out before passion that was. He couldn’t’ put him through this anymore. He couldn’t revert to that state again not after everything he’d gone through just to get here in the first place.

Turning his metal arm, he looked the ring on his finger, the bracelet that he’d been given on that day in Connecticut was there too. He’d put it there because of the IV. The tenseness in the rivets of the arm relaxed and fell onto his lap and he reached up, clutching the tags now as well. Another thing that had grounded him in a low moment of doubt. For moments just like this when he forgot himself.

All of them given to him by Steve.

And the thought of Steve calmed the Soldier inside him too, stopping the hamster on a wheel panic cycling through him. _Steve…_the Soldier said as well _Ours.. safe…_

Taking a shuddering breath, he got himself under control, pushing back the fear as he did. And felt a different emotion. Anger. That whoever this was could make him feel this way again. Could activate that flight complex so easily.

He was never going to run again. He was a fighter. Always had been he realized.

As he sat there on the edge of the bed, he heard the door open and felt that fear spike for just a second before seeing Steve step through. And his heart jumped in his chest for a different reason just looking at the stunning sight. In a brand new, dark shirt, looking freshly showered. Looking so beautiful after that ugly moment he just gone through.

He wanted to run over and just embrace him, but he was still held in place by the dam IV. But Steve seemed to sense this and came over. “You okay?”

Bucky stood up and embraced him desperately, not caring if his IV line stretched, there was enough give here. And not giving much of shit anymore about decorum anymore either. It was okay to feel weak. To let yourself be taken care of you.

It was okay to be afraid.

“I am now punk.” He said into his shoulder. “I am now.”

Steve stepped back and looked in his eyes. “What happened? Tell me.”

Bucky swallowed hard and just spilled it. “I think someone was here. In this room.” He told him, watching his face. “I can feel it.”

“Are you sure Buck?” Steve asked. “It wasn’t just a dream or something.”

“I thought it was a first but then I saw the blankets..” He said to him and showed him. “Folded up by my feet like that.” He turned back to Steve with wide eyes. “They used to be folded just like when..” He did not finish that sentence, didn’t want to just yet. “I’m not imagining this… at least I don’t think I am.”

He saw Steve assessing this information, with an unreadable look on his face. He didn’t know how much he needed to Steve to believe him, even though a part of him still doubted himself too. He could’ve done it, or the Soldier could’ve, in their sleep in some subconscious way.. Or it was in fact staff and he was just suffering effects from his dream and the sedation. But it was just.. too much of coincidence and he just didn’t want to believe he was crazy or paranoid.

“Please Steve.” He asked him, his eyes wide and pleading now. “Tell me you believe me.” He bit his lip as he looked in his eyes. “Tell me I’m not crazy.”

Steve answered by wrapping him up in his arms. “I believe you Buck.” He whispered into his hair as he cuddled him close. “I don’t think you’re crazy at all.”

Bucky closed his eyes, letting out a sigh of relief at that statement. Even if Steve was just humoring him it didn’t matter. He needed the stability of his arms around him while he tried to make sense of it all. Of his dream, of the folded blankets. Of that terror that had almost made him run again. Of his own aner at himself for nearly giving into it.

He just let himself be comforted yet again, burying his face into Steve’s shoulder, taking in huge gulps of as he finally allowed himself to calm down completely.

\--

Steve wasn’t 100 percent sure someone had been there, but for some reason he didn’t doubt it either. There was a sense of something off. About the way those blankets had been folded so neatly in just right way to unnerve Bucky like this. Never mind his own uneasy feeling earlier.

He would have them go over the tapes later, because if that bastard had gotten in here, he could get in anywhere.

The look in Bucky’s eyes, even though he didn’t have confirmation had been enough to make Steve want to reassure him that he did believe him. He didn’t want to make the mistake again of thinking this was all in his head, like he had with the Colonel. Which had had turned about to horribly not the case. And considering what Nat hold told him about Tamarov’s tech abilities, and covert prowess, he wouldn’t put it past him.

But there was the how. And more importantly, the motivation him behind terrorizing Bucky like this. The Colonel’s had been easier to decipher, but they didn’t know the link between this one and Bucky yet. Which in some ways made it worse.

But the thing about the blanket. That was a clue. A big one.

Bucky hadn’t said it outright, but Steve sensed it had to do with the Colonel. As much as Steve hated thinking about the things that asshole had done to Bucky while acting as his main ‘master’, he had a feeling it might hold an answer. And thought maybe Bucky, or the Soldier for that matter, knew the answer, they just hadn’t put it together properly yet.

But the problem was, considering how shaken he seemed to be, he didn’t want to open that wound, which was still on the mend. He just wanted to put him back in bed and comfort him as best he could.

So when he finally got him to lay back down he pulled out his phone and found a video he’d taken earlier. It was of Arya meowing and pawing the camera. You could hear Wanda’s voice and his own as he played for Bucky, who watched it raptly.

“Say hi to Daddy.” He heard himself say on the video. “He misses you.”

Bucky seemed to watch it intently a couple of times, his softening as he did, before handing Steve back his phone. “Thanks punk.. I kinda needed that.”

Steve got himself comfortable on the bed, allowing Bucky to lay on his shoulder again, nuzzling his hair and brushing it with his fingers. “I sort of thought you might’ve.” He told him. “She does miss you.”

“I miss her too.” Bucky answered, his flesh arm resting on Steve’s waist to give the line some room. “Like the way she always sleeps on my arm and purrs.”

Steve smiled thinking of that, how the little cat had never shown any fear of that metal arm at all. Would sit on it or wrap her paws around it when she slept. How much she’d helped Bucky accept it and himself as something not dangerous. How much she grounded them both and made their house more of a home as a result. He wanted to take Bucky home as soon as he could. But he didn’t know when that was right now. After the mind procedure most likely. Whenever he was well enough for that.

“She’s a lot like you in that way.” He told Bucky, smiling and kissing his head. “You lay on my arm and purr too.”

“Well you are comfortable.” Bucky sassed, snuggling up a little more. “Can’t help it.”

His thoughts turned back to earlier and just the outright fear, but also the stoic resolve just under the surface as well. The surety in his eyes that someone had been in here. And as soon as Bucky was safely asleep again, he was going to call Tony and have him check the system to see if the prick showed himself on it. He wanted concrete proof, although it wasn’t required to believe him this time. Bucky had good instincts about these things, the Soldier too. And the possibility of someone coming in here and getting this close to him while he was so vulnerable like that, both terrified and pissed off Steve in equal measure.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asked carefully. “Earlier I mean?”

“I never want to punk.” Bucky answered, nuzzling his face against his chest. “And I don’t know what good it’s gonna do.”

“I could help that’s all.” Steve answered. “Maybe you could tell me about the sheets.” 

He felt Bucky tense up and wasn’t sure if he was going to. It was always a toss up whether he did or not. And it was always okay either way. The slowness of how his story came out didn’t bother Steve in the slightest. Knocking down walls and tearing through layers you took years, decades even, to build up, took time. And it took patience to wait for too. He could wait a lifetime if had to. Already had really.

“If I was brought back to his chambers and the sheets were folded like that it meant it was gonna be one of… those nights..” Bucky actually told him in a quiet voice. “He didn’t want to mess them up. So they were always folded like that. If he had.. planes for me.” 

Steve felt angry about this and didn’t’ bother to hide it. “And he had to fold the sheets for that?” 

“Well we only had so many.” Bucky replied, not looking up. “Had to ration just like we had to when were kids remember?.” He seemed to cuddle up against him a little more at this point. “And he liked clean sheets.. is hard to get.. certain things out of them so they had to be put aside.”

“Jesus Christ Buck.” Steve said, slightly unnerved by Bucky’s sort of odd acceptance of this set of priorities. “It sounds like you’re trying to rationalize it.”

“I’m not..” Was Bucky’s reply to him, his eyes still averted. A little defensiveness creeping in as he spoke. “I know how fucked up the whole thing was… I was there..”

That sort of stopped Steve dead in his tracks on his thought process. Reminding him of what others had done before, that as much as this shit hurt and angered him, he wasn’t the one who went through it. He was the one who had been tortured and raped. Who had his mind fucked with for years. He kicked himself internally that he to be reminded of this sometimes. Especially when he looked down and saw that while Bucky’s tone might’ve been neutral, his eyes told a much different story.

“I’m sorry.” He said in a softer tone, nuzzling his hair comfortingly. “I get pissed off about it and forget.”

Bucky lifted his head up to look at him. “Forget what?”

“That it didn’t happened to me.” He answered, giving him a look to match. “You were the one who got hurt not me.”

“Don’t be sorry Steve.” Bucky answered, pressing his face into his shoulder. “You were right, I might have been rationalizing it a little.” He seemed to shake just a little and grip Steve’s shirt a little more. “Sometimes it’s the only way I can deal with all this shit.”

He’d heard him say things like this before, about how he compartmentalized and rationalized all the fucked up things that had been to him and by him. He’d come to realize this wasn’t really denial, but a coping mechanism Bucky had practiced since he was a kid. Like the excuses he’d made for his father’s behavior. That it was easier for him to comprehend how screwed up it all was, but not for Bucky because he was so damn close to and suffered its effects directly. And it was in those moments when Bucky would make the excuses or rationalizations that he seemed to be his most vulnerable and in need of protection. So that’s what he was planning on doing, continuing to protect him when he needed it. Like now.

“I understand.. I do.” He told him. “It’s okay.” He pulled the blanket more over him and got him comfortable. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore. You should just try and relax.”

“I can’t.” Bucky answered, and Steve could feel him tighten up a little. “I got so damn scared I almost ripped this thing out of my arm and jumped out the damn window.” He squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his face against Steve’s chest. “All because of a damn folded sheet.”

Steve was a bit alarmed by that but kept himself calm for Bucky’s sake right now. “You obviously didn’t.” He reminded him. “You’re still here and it’s till in your arm.”

“I was about 3 seconds away from it though.” Bucky replied in shaky voice. “It’s like I reset to a couple years ago and that pisses me off that I let that happen.”

He turned him to his back and leaned over him, trailing his hand over his face softly and then down his flesh arm. He could see his trouble blue eyes look up at him and those metal finger wrap around the bicep of his right arm. Could feel the slight difference in temperature between the metal of his fingers and the ring he wore on them. All his senses had been heightened and touch was no exception.

“You got scared.” Steve told him, letting his brush that soft brown hair. “Doesn’t mean you’re weak in any way.”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to shine up a bit as if he was fighting back emotion. “It was you, you know?” He told him, biting his lower lip as he did. “You’re the reason I didn’t run. I couldn’t do that to you again.” He flited himself, wrapping his flesh hand around Steve’s neck. “I’ve put you through too much as it is.”

“You’re worth it” He whispered to him, pressing their heads together. “You always have been.”

“I’ve said before and I’ll say it again.” Bucky replied to that, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. “You’re a goddamn glutton for punishment Rogers.”

Steve smiled at that and gave him a soft kiss. “Only if you’re the one punishing me jerk.”

“I’m the only one whose allowed to punk.” Bucky reminded him, those eyes opening with a little sass in them, pulling himself up a bit more. “No one gets to mess with you but me remember?”

“Go to sleep jerk.” Steve told him sternly in spite of that look. “You need your rest.”

Bucky rolled is eyes. “I’ve gotten plenty of rest lately.”

Steve raised and eyebrow and picked up his flesh hand, removing the glove to remind him of why. “You almost died yesterday remember?”

“I’ve almost died about 5 times punk.” Bucky retorted. “I think I bounce back quite well.”

Steve shook his head, putting his hands gently on Bucky’s shoulders to push him back down onto the pillow. “Don’t remind me jerk.” He told him, still giving him that stern look. “My hearts still recovering.”

Bucky’s face softened just a bit on that, without losing that patented sass still in them as well. He put his metal hand on his chest, right above his heart as if feeling the beat of it. Which he knew he could through that amazing arm. One that was fully his and not forced on him. One that now bore a white star instead of red one, symbolizing his true allegiance. The feeling of those fingers on his chest was comforting and he put his own hand over it, their rings clinking together gently.

“It’s so strong now.” Bucky observed, his eyes meeting Steve’s. “I was always afraid it was going to give out and if it id mine would’ve too.”

Steve’s only response to that was to just kiss him right there, as if reassuring him it never would. He vowed he was going to make up for this terrible stretch once they were free and clear of it. He already had ideas on that. Already making plans. To make sure Bucky would have all the peace and quiet he needed for the rest of his life.

He finally got him to lay down but getting him to go back to sleep was an altogether different thing. He seemed to be very reluctant. The reasons for which he wouldn’t voice out loud but Steve knew intuitively just the same. That he was scared that the person he thought had been there would come back. And possibly the nightmares he was having as well. Steve could not entirely rule out that he’d imagined this intruder due to fear and stress, but he believed him because Bucky needed him to right now.

As for the folded sheet, he wasn’t quite sure how to explain it properly. So he made a phone call to Tony to have him check the security taps, if only put both their minds at ease for now.

“You need to go back to sleep.” He told Bucky adamantly as he hung up the phone. “That’s an order Sergeant.”

“Oh my Captain.” Bucky teased, getting a solid grip on his shirt. “I love when you order me around.”

Steve smiled and gave his hip a teasing little rub through the blanket. “I know you do.” He replied in a low voice. “And you like defying my orders don’t you?”

Bucky just grinned mischievously at him. “You got me there punk.”

His eyes were fluttering closed and he thought maybe he had a timed sedative in his line or something. Brushing his hair gently he watched him start to lose his fight with consciousness. Watch those beautiful teal blues close fully. But his hand still gripped Steve’s for a little longer, and he squeezed it back, silently telling him he wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

He got a phone call from Tony a little later, and the latter didn’t waste any time getting to the point. “I don’t think Barnes was imagining it Cap.”

“You saw someone?” Steve asked, rising from his chair as he did.

“I didn’t see anything.” Tony explained to Steve’s confusion. “Someone messed with the feed shortly after you and Romanov left the room. The hallway cam shows you leaving, and it’s the same loop for at least 20 minutes.”

“How can you tell that?”

“Because the same nurse walked by on her phone in the same direction at least 3 times.” Tony explained. “That’s why.” Tony seemed to pause, as if to let Steve digest this for finishing up. “I designed this system, it’s hard to do that without serious tech knowledge so we are dealing with a pro here Cap.”

Steve felt both simultaneously relieved that Bucky wasn’t losing it again, but terrified that someone had been in his room and could’ve potentially hurt him. And he realized something else as well. He’d only been gone 30 minutes at the most, they didn’t live far from here, which meaning that person knew exactly when to be there. And right at a shift change it looked like.

“I’m gonna see if we can retrieve the removed footage or not.” Tony continued, sounding a little annoyed that someone cracked his tech so easily. “The system has a failsafe for that.”

“Not only that Tony but.. he knew exactly when I would be gone.” He told him as well, just feeling all kinds of scared at what they were dealing with.

“I’ll check your phone for spyware Rogers.” Tony assured him. “If that’ll help.”

“I will.” He said. “Thanks Tony.”

Hanging up he wondered how this Tanner or Tamarov, whatever he went by, was able to do this so quickly. Until the Colonel’s convention, if somewhat predictable style, this was stalking on a high-tech level which made it much harder to deal with.

His phone rang again, and assuming it was Tony calling right back for whatever reason, he answered it without checking first. “You got the results that quick?”

“He’s not going to find me and neither are you Captain Rogers.” The voice said that was not Tony’s. “So don’t even bother trying to trace this.”

His phone read nothing on the display, which was unnerving in of itself. He’d hacked it no doubt. From somewhere in network. Gone through the most complicated security and there was air of smugness in the voice at this, underneath its even tone. Steve recognized the voice from back in Germany. Knew who it was.

“Agent?” Steve asked, keeping his voice even as he did. “Where are you?”

“I don’t think that’s the question you want to ask right?” The voice asked calmly. “The real question is what I could do to him in less than 20 minutes.. without even laying a hand on him.”

Steve felt pissed at this and scared as well because he was right. Now he was terribly worried about what this asshole could’ve triggered inside Bucky during that time. He knew they didn’t need much time at all. Zemo had only had 5 minutes off camera to wreck-havoc with Bucky’s programming he recalled painfully.

_What did I do?_

_Enough.._

“I swear to God if you did anything to him..” He responded, still keeping his voice low. “I’ll find you, even if it takes the rest of my life.. I’ll chase you to hell if I have to.”

“Good luck with that.” The Agent said. “It’s always a pleasure Captain.”

He then hung up, leaving Steve with dead air to deal with. He knew there was no point in tracing it. There was nothing to even indicate he’d gotten a call. He’d have Tony look at it later. But he wasn’t leaving Bucky now. Not until he was sure they’d gotten all the words out of him. Not until he was sure he was safe.

It was at that point Bucky woke up with a start, crying out as he did as if coming up from a nightmare. He actually sat up on the bed as if trying to get out of it and Steve had to grab him quick because his feet still weren’t quite good yet, still had a little numbness. His eyes looked wild for a moment, almost as if he didn’t recognize him at first. But then they finally cleared, and he looked at Steve, eyes showing white as he did.

“The boy.” He babbled to Steve, gripping his arms as he did. “He’s the one.”

“What?” Steve asked, his mind still reeling from the information he’d just gotten. “What boy Bucky?”

Bucky’s heartrate monitor was going off a bit and he needed to calm hm down, but for some reasons he needed him to answer the question too. So he lifted his hands to his face to hold him steady.

“He was there…” He said, his voice calmer. “Back then.” His eyes seemed to get a faraway look of remembrance. “He liked to say the rhymes to me.. just for fun..”

“What rhymes Bucky?” Steve asked, holding him steady. “Which ones?”

Bucky looked in his eyes, completely calm now, yet still visibly scared too. “The ones that made me cold and...” He paused, his eyes shifting to the right as if trying to recall this. “I can’t.. quite remember.”

Steve wanted to question him more on this, but he didn’t have time. He had to make a decision now. Bucky might not be 100 percent healthy, but he needed the triggers out of him as soon as possible. It was dangerous, but the alternative was worse. They needed to buy time so they could find this prick.

_But what if he already did something to him?_ His mind asked fearfully. _What then?_

“Do you remember them Buck?” He asked him, still looking in his eyes. “The rhymes?”

Bucky nodded slightly. “It’s kinda foggy but the Soldier… he might.”

“Alright.” He said and took a deep breath. “I’m making the call.. we’re gonna do this tonight.” He saw Bucky look at him confused. “We’re gonna get this shit out of your head once and for all..”

“But Pam said..”

“I know what she said Buck.” He told him, getting more sure by the minute. “You’re in danger right now so I think she’ll agree with me.”

He then just hugged him tight right there. He was scared to do this too soon after what happened yesterday and knew things could go horribly wrong. But he would be damned if he gave this person, or any remaining Hydra peaople, any more control over Bucky. He would protect him whatever way he could. If if means he had to override some people to do it.

“I’m done with these pricks.” Steve whispered into his hair. “It’s time end this.”

He felt Bucky nod against his shoulder. “Alright.” He said against his shoulder. “Let’s do it then.” He lifted his head, putting both his hands on Steve’s face, leaning their heads together. “I ain’t scared anymore punk.. as long as you’re with me.”

Steve closed his eyes, hoping he was making the right decision here. To risk his health further to keep him safe. And then he replayed that voice in his head again _The real question is what I could do to him in less than 20 minutes.. without even laying a hand on him._ And that thought alone was enough to deepen his resolve to protect him no matter what the cost was. The risk of doing nothing was higher.

“I’m not going anywhere jerk.” He told him. “I promise.”

All of sudden Bucky tensed up, pulling back a little a he did. There was a look of shock and revelation on his face at that moment, as if something clicked in there. His eyes darted back to Steve and he was about ask before Bucky spoke first.

“I know who he is Steve.”” He told him, gripping his arms, his eyes widening. “I remember him now.”

Steve was confused for a moment. “What?”

“The Agent.” Bucky explained. “I knew him… before..”

Steve knew they didn’t have a lot of time. If he’d done something to him it could kick in soon. But he had a feeling this was important information. So he put his hands on his face and held it there, keeping their eyes locked together.

“Tell me Buck.” He asked. “Tell me about him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i gotta remember to keep these shorter cause I went to long last and had to cut it lol. There was so much to talk about there though lol so let's do this. 
> 
> This chapter largely covered crippling fear in general because it was obviously book-ended by two anxiety attacks for Bucky for very understandable reasons. The first one he had Steve to calm but the second one he didn't and I thought it was interesting to see how he dealt with and overcame by himself the second time. He's scared and it's still hard for him to admit that, because he doesn't know everything they've put in his head and anyone could imagine just how terrifying that is So I wanted to show the differences, and how difficult it can be to control your fears like that. But also that its okay to get scared as well. 
> 
> Steve's conversations with the Soldier I really like, because it highlights how much that part of Bucky has grown too. His admission that the words hurt not just Bucky, but him too was a sad one in the sense of him saying that he got used to being hurt, which no one should have to. He's learning how to feel those things too. 
> 
> I put a well place smutty moment in the middle but as usual, I try to make it sort of fit with the narrative a bit. Bucky tends to be active when it comes to sex and things like that because it's something he has control over, it gives him some stability in his head, its when he feels truly himself. And the big thing I like is how he notices that Steve seems to understand when its okay to indulge and when its not so that's an evolution in their relationship and shows how intuitively linked they are now. 
> 
> Okay getting to the real interesting stuff, Bucky's dream and the intruder are obviously entwined with each other in a way which some of you probably already figured out. But what I liked doing was link it back almost directly to the first chapter of this fic (I know it was so long ago right?) and that this person has been involved since the beginning, and a lot of that is going to be tied in the next chapter or two. And you will find out this villain is a bit different than the Colonel in terms of motivations as you will see. 
> 
> One more thing I liked was Steve and Bucky's conversation following the intruder, harkening back to when Bucky questioned his sanity with the Colonel too, it was important for Steve to believe him this time even without direct proof. The detail about the sheets and the conversation about why it freaked out Bucky so much was one I really liked too because it showed Steve having to remember yet again that it happened to Bucky not him, but also showed how Bucky had to rationalize and compartmentalize a horrible situation, the effects of PTSd and the Stockholm Syndrome on display. To cope with a situation like he was in required a lot of acceptance of things others find insane. And the fact that he continues to remember details even now is sort of an indication of the deep trauma and damage done to his head. 
> 
> The cat video I could not resist by the way <3 <3 
> 
> The next chapter will reveal more, including an interesting story that will shed light on the shadowy figure that may have been lurking over this fic the whole time, and I hope i'll be sooner than the last one we'll see. 
> 
> And thank you all for the excellent reviews and reactions to the last chapter I know It was a lot to take in, this one is kind of a breather in between so I hope you enjoy and <3<3<3 and *hugs to you all :)


	37. Catalyst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork on my Tumblr per usual :)

He knew Steve was waiting for an answer, but Bucky sometimes had a hard time starting because, well, it was always painful to go back there. To that place and time, where pain and fear were constant. He’d dealt with a lot of it, made his peace with some, but it didn’t make it any easier to re-visit.

“He was a kid when I met him.” He started, letting his contact with Steve steady him a bit. “I thought he was a prisoner at first and I kinda felt bad for him until I…knew what he really was.”

Steve kept his hand on his face as he sat across from him. “And what was that?”

“A soulless monster.” Bucky answered simply. “Some monsters are created, and some are just, bad from the beginning.” He wrapped his metal arm a little tighter around Steve’s bicep. “He was the latter.”

“He’s the Agent isn’t he?”

Bucky nodded, his face pinching in memory now. “I didn’t recognize him there.. my memory was still… coming back you know?” He took a hard breath. “And his hair was a different and he was older but… now that I look back, I realized he had those same… dark eyes with nothing behind them. Which was.. probably why I didn’t like him much.”

“Did he hurt you?” Steve asked, which was the question he really wanted to know Bucky supposed. “Like the other ones did?”

“Not like that.” Bucky answered, and unlike before when he’d deny this, this was actually the truth. “He wasn’t…into that too much.. it was more the pain he liked.” He brought his eyes back to Steve’s to emphasize this was the truth. “The suffering. He was the type that would torture something to see how it reacted, there was no empathy at all, just… curiosity.”

The dream he’d had earlier he’d realized was a memory after and he winced at it a bit. It was the last time he’d had to teach or demonstrate proper kill techniques to others, including this kid. In Hydra you passed on what you knew This kid would watch with rapt attention at it, like he was watching a cartoon. The part of him that was still himself got chills at that. It sent a chill through him now thinking about it, causing Steve to rub his shoulder in response. An automatic reaction after his bout with the hypothermia and frostbite. And just nodded for him to continue.

“One time the Colonel was demonstrating the proper choke technique. How to do it quick so he used me as the subject.” Bucky told him, tensing up a bit as he did. “He knew how far he could go with me until I was right on the edge of unconsciousness and would take me right there and…” He put his hand to his neck subconsciously. “I could see that kid just fascinated by it.”

He didn’t tell Steve took a lot for him to grey out, he’d been chocked enough times by that chain to have a higher resistance, so a lot of force had to be used. He didn’t want Steve to know or think of those things too much. It was enough he knew what he did. Bucky’s resistance for pain was great, he’d built up quite a bit of it over the years. And although he could still be brought to an almost unbearable level sometimes, he was capable of staying conscious longer than most. And could remember it.

Steve did not need to know any of that as far as he was concerned.

_How does it feel when he hurts you like that? _He heard that child’s voice, which somehow made it more terrifying to think about. _How much does it hurt?_

He shivered slightly at that memory, even now. It wasn’t something he could bring up with Steve either. He just couldn’t bring himself to. To have a little psycho kid ask you questions like that after you’d just been raped was just beyond his ability to talk about. And the fact someone was still left who’d seen him in that condition bothered him more than anything.

“He folded those sheets because he knew what they meant. “ He told Steve without elaborating how he knew about them. “He did it for the same reason he showed me the book.” He bit his lip hard. “ Because he knew how I’d react to it.”

Something occurred him suddenly, that his adversary would want to see the results of that mental torture. He began to wonder, in a paranoid kind of way, if he’d hidden a camera in the room somewhere during his ‘visit’ and if that was the case, he’d know exactly the havoc he’d caused. And he’d hear everything they were saying. His eyes darted around the room, looking for a place it could be stashed, knowing it was probably small. Steve seemed to notice this look and looked concerned, along with the requisite buried anger.

“What is it Buck?” He asked, looking around himself.

“He’d wanna see how I reacted.” Bucky told him, itching to get up and tear the room apart. “It’s gotta be in here.”

Steve got it at that point. “Are you talking about a camera?”

He realized he sounded paranoid, but it made sense really. He’d want to see him freak out, like he did in Berlin. People like him enjoyed the havoc they caused. “I know it sounds crazy.” He admitted, playing his basic fear that this shit might drive him crazy again. “Everyone’s gonna think I’m nuts.”

“No Bucky.” Stee told him, his voice soft as he held his face. “It doesn’t sound crazy at all.” He then dropped one hand to pull his phone out. “You’ve been right about all this. I can get people in here to sweep for a camera before we do that thing.”

Bucky felt some relief at that, at being believed. And also felt self-conscious. Wondering just how long it had been planted, and how much he’d seen if it was in fact there. It made him want to cover up more now. He hoped that even if he was right it was just for that alone but now that he was thinking about it he couldn’t unthink it all. They’d had sex in here earlier after all.

“Well at least if they find nothing you know I’m nuts.” He joked, just trying to make himself feel better. “You can put me in the loony bin then.”

Steve smiled at him and kissed his head for the umpteenth time. “Never jerk.. never.”

All these paranoid thoughts were in his head and he couldn’t get them out. Wondering how long he’d been stalked. The Colonel wasn’t subtle but this one, could’ve surveilled him for a while without him knowing. He knew how to do it so covertly that even someone like Natasha wouldn’t have been suspicious. It was scary to him to think about, but the more he remembered about him, the more craftly he realized he was. Things were dropping into his head and they were scary as fuck now.

Bucky eyes continued to scan the room, trying to figure out where he’d put the camera, if it was there. What the vantage point would give him the best view of his reaction to the folded sheet. And something that could be set up quickly without a lot of noise or work. His eyes fell on the tray where they often put his food. It was the perfect position to get him up close without him noticing right away. He let go of Steve with his metal arm and felt around its edges while Steve watched him. He had good feeling in those fingers, better than people realized, and the condition of his right hand was not good right now so this one was his primary. He felt underneath, to parts where it bent moved around, looking for an irregularity. Something that shouldn’t be there. He’d learned how to look for these after he’d gotten away, when he was paranoid that they would get him. He hadn’t told Steve this outright, but he’d checked their house on more than one occasion in the early goings as well. Until he felt safe that was.

After searching he had just about convinced himself it wasn’t there when his fingers happened on a hollow in the leg and found something that didn’t feel like part of it. He looked up at Steve with big eyes and expertly removed it to show him.

“Found it.” He said, his mouth dry. “I fucking hate being right sometimes.”

Steve looked at it angrily and looked into the tiny lens. “Get fucked you piece of shit.”

It was then Bucky’s own phone pinged at him. He picked it up, staring at the screen, seeing a text from an unknown source on it. He looked up at Steve for a moment before opening it and found a picture that turned him cold. And a message below it.

It was a picture of Wanda, sitting in the recliner in their house, with Arya on her lap. The message read _It would be so easy…_

It was not veiled threat but a direct one he knew. A sniper’s view.

He felt his hand clench around the phone as he looked up at Steve with anger in his eyes now. It was one thing to threaten, hell even torture or gaslight him but it was another thing altogether to threaten loved ones like that.

“Give me that thing.” He asked Steve without explained anything. And Steve gave him the camera. Looking into he felt his eyes go as dark as he felt inside. “If you even think about it I will fucking kill you.” He hissed and then crushed it in his metal hand before looking up at Steve with those same eyes. “I will.. I’m done with this shit.”

He didn’t like feeling like that, didn’t like how dark he could go, but the mere threat to anyone he loved was enough for that. He didn’t care of he wasn’t well, he would absolutely slaughter this psycho just for threatening them like that. He knew this prick could hurt, or worse, kill anybody he cared about rather easily. And knew he himself, was the only who could get to him.

Steve meanwhile had picked up his phone before Bucky could stop him and saw what was on it. “Jesus Christ.” He hissed himself and picked up his own phone againf. “I’m gonna call her and tell her to come here now.” He looked at Bucky’s worried, angry face. “And have her bring the cat, they’re gonna have to make an accommodation.”

“Why here?” Bucky asked, still unable to think straight at the idea that Wanda and Arya were under threat. “He’s been here.”

“Because we’re safer if we’re all together.” Steve told him, dialing up Wanda’s number now. “The more eyes the better.”

Bucky nodded, because it did sound like sound logic. If they were all separate it would be easier for the Agent to pick them off randomly. It didn’t matter if Wanda had superpowers, she was still mortal and this guy was as good as, or maybe even better, that he was at long distance targets. Bucky knew how easy it was to take people out from a distance. Especially with a silencer and a scope. He’d done his fair share of it. Wanda and Array were safer here. He wanted his cat with him anyways, the hospital was just going to have to deal with it.

“Should call Amelia too.” He suggested. “He may go after anyone connected to me.”

Steve nodded at he called Wanda and informed her that she needed to pack a bag and get over here. And bring Arya too. Bucky listened as he told her that she was under direct threat now. It hurt him to think anyone close to him might be. That they’d have to make all these calls. It made him feel guilty because he knew the Agent wasn’t planning on killing him, just to torture him by hurting people around him.

And he knew why too. But he didn’t want to go there just yet. Couldn’t.

“She said she’s on her way.” Steve told him, getting up and dialing up Amelia too. “I’ll tell Amelia and Sam too. Pam’s already here and so are Tony and Shuri.”

Bucky had nothing to add, just holding the shattered remains of the hidden camera, wondering if there were more. Probably were. He felt that stranger numbness he’d felt when he’d heard the Colonel had died. It was like he felt nothing. But for a different reason now. He wasn’t sure which was worse. The mad anxiety or this. It was a toss-up really.

When Steve was done, he finally noticed the look on Bucky’s face and got really concerned. He put his hands on his face and lifted it to look at him. “Talk to me okay?” He asked him. “Please?”

“I’m done talking.” Bucky said flatly. “If I see him I’ll kill him.” His eyes were hard, a look Steve could definitely recognize. The deadly Winter Soldier look. “I won’t hesitate this time.”

Steve got a got a confused and looked more worried as well. “What do you mean this time?”

He looked hard into Steve’s eyes, putting on his best poker-face. He’d had an opportunity to kill the Colonel in that damn tunnel and hesitated and it had nearly cost him everything he’d built. And then was this one. He’d had a chance to kill him too at one point, even had the knife to his throat. But he’d still been a kid and he’d still been human enough to hesitate there too. Thinking about how much he could’ve prevented if he’d just done it then too.

That memory was a rough one, he didn’t want to think about that all.

_Tell me how it felt.._ He’d heard him say. _Or stay in the cuffs and wait for him.. your choice Soldat.._

“I didn’t mean anything.” He told Steve, his voice flat. “Forget I said it.”

“Bucky..”

“I said forget it.” He snapped at him. “Don’t you listen?”

“I do.” Steve answered, keeping his voice soft. Almost careful. “All the time.”

He hated this, but he wasn’t cutting himself off emotionally because he didn’t know how else to react anymore. And also because he knew he would need that coldness to do what he needed to do when the time came. He just couldn’t let himself be that soft right now. It had cost him before.

“Then stop asking me okay?” He said to Steve, sitting back against the back of the bed. “Please?”

Steve just nodded, seeming to understand that, for the moment at least it was best just to let it go. “Alright.” He said, sighing and standing up. “I gotta coordinate everyone and get Pam to see if we can that procedure under way.” He then seemed to text someone on his phone. “I’m gonna get Nat and have her keep an eye on you alright?”

“Cause I need a babysitter.” Bucky replied with a little angry sass, crossing his arms. “Got it.”

Steve stepped over and put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “After what just happened, I’m not leaving alone.” He told him firmly. “So just accept it.” He lifted his hand and gently brushed some of his hair away from his face. “Please?”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered and he almost wavered a little in his cool demeanor. It took it everything he had not to. The feel of those gentle finger and the softness of his voice were cutting through it a bit. He forced it back just a bit, wanting to hold onto this a little longer.

“Okay.” He said finally. “Do what you need to do.” He looked around the room. “It’s not like I got any plans or anything.”

Steve just smiled at him softly and kissed his head and that almost did it too. “It’s not a prison you know?’

“Why is it starting to feel like it then?” Bucky said to him with a little bitterness still in his voice. “I had more freedom in Siberia.”

He saw Steve kind of shake his head at that. “We’ll talk about this later alright?”

Bucky was grateful that Steve didn’t add the ‘this is for your own good’ crap. He knew better than that. He learned statements like that were counter-productive and led to bigger arguments. But it didn’t stop him from feeling like he was imprisoned. Or like a child that needed constant supervision. Earlier he’d wanted the protection but now that people he cared about were being threatened, and he knew who he was dealing with, his attitude had changed considerably. Now he was just upset and annoyed and realized he might be unfairly taking it out on Steve. But he couldn’t bring himself to apologize for that yet.

“Sure.” He just said simply instead, laying back on the pillow. “Among other things.”

He saw the door open and Natasha poke her head in. “You guys are decent right?” She asked in her usual tone.

“Yeah we’re fine.” Steve told her as he came to greet her. “Can you stay with him for a little bit.. I gotta take care of a few things.”

Nat seemed to nod as she was pulled away for a few minutes to get the explanation needed before Steve left them alone. She turned to Bucky and came over, pulling up the chair and sitting on it backwards in front of him.

“Rough day huh?” She asked, although it wasn’t really a question.

“You could say that.” He answered, testing his right hand again. “Although in the grander scheme of things I suppose I’ve had worse.”

Nat seemed to be thoughtful for a moment, her green eyes reflecting understanding on a level Bucky didn’t see often. From what little he’d known about her, he gleaned her life hadn’t been much better than his. That she’d seen a lot, had done a lot herself. Like him she had red in her ledger. A lot of it. And for some reason this made him feel a bit more comfortable than he expected.

“Well if you feel like talking about it I’m all ears.” She said to him. “And I’m not gonna give you the usual bullshit either.” She gave a bit of an eyeroll. “You know the kind I mean.”

“Yeah.” He replied, studying her eyes a little more. “I do.”

“They mean well but they don’t understand it like we do.” She said, seeming studying her own hands as she talked. “They don’t know what it’s like to live through and do the things people like us have and what we have to just to survive.” She lifted her eyes back to his. “It’s complicated for us… we’re kind of a unique group.”

Bucky just continued to watch her, realizing that she knew exactly where he’d come from. Her circumstance may not have been exactly the same, but they were close enough. Probably the closest of anyone. It made him feel even more comfortable. Made him want to talk to her, if only to unburden himself. So he surprised when the words fell out of him.

“Do you mind if I.. tell you something?” He asked her tentatively at first. “Something I can’t tell Steve.”

Natasha looked at him with understanding her eyes. “Sure.” She answered, pulling her chair closer to him. “Go right ahead.”

And with that look of understanding, and the feeling of comfort you could only get from a fellow comrade, he found himself spilling a story he knew he might only be able to tell once. And maybe made himself a brand-new friend as a result.

\--

“I’m not sure I can allow it.” Pam told him, looking a bit exasperated as they gathered in of the conference room. “He needs at least more night of rest before I can authorize a procedure like that.”

“I know it’s asking a lot Pam.” Steve answered, feeling a bit worn out himself. “But the circumstances have changed, and we might not have time to wait until he’s completely ready.”

He’d made several phone calls, had coordinated with Tony and Shuri about security for the building, which involved putting the place on strict lockdown. Sam had gone to pick up Wanda and Arya to bring them here and after that no one went in or out without authorization. The threat to Wanda had made it pretty clear no one was safe so extra precautions had to be made, including phone calls to others who couldn’t be here to take extra safety measures.

Steve was good at coordinating, but he was specially invested this time and it gave him a higher level of stress as result. And Bucky’s ever-changing moods were not helping. Although he understood why that was happening, it added another whole level for him.

“I understand that.” Pam continued to argue. “But I also have to consider the ramifications for my patient if this happens too soon after a stressor event on his body.” She smoothed her hair back, looking as exhausted as Steve felt. “It’s been barely been 24 hours since I had to basically restart his heart.”

“He’s my husband and trust me the last thing I want to do hurt him further.” Steve explained, picking up what might’ve been his eight cup of coffee today. “But the longer he has that shit in his head the more danger he and everyone else are in.” He gave her a pained look then. “The guy was in his room and I don’t know whether he did anything to him or not while he was there.”

Pam sighed for a moment, looking at Shuri and back at Steve again. “If we do this, I have to be there the whole time to monitor him.” She told them both. “And if his body shows any kind of real distress I will stop it cold you understand?”

Steve sort of smile at this, he loved how protective she was of Bucky as his doctor. But also as a friend and he appreciated it greatly. “Got it.” He replied. “I’d want you there considering you’re the one that brought him both times.”

“You do also understand that I’m not sure if I can hit him with adrenaline again like that if something goes wrong.” Pam clarified. “I’ll do everything I can if that’s the case but we’ll have to make some serious decisions regarding treatment, so you need to be all on in on this too.”

He knew what she meant by that. She would not let him die, but the treatment could be just as traumatic if the shot was not an option this time. Maybe involving the paddles, which she hadn’t done because of obvious reasons. He would always have to weigh Bucky’s short-term mental health against keeping alive if, god-forbid it came to that. And the latter was usually the winner. It was the same with this decision as well. It could hurt him in the short-term, but it was worth the risk long-term.

“And Captain Rogers there is also a potential to do some damage to a brain that has already been meddled with far too much to begin with..” Shuri added in. “Any procedure involving the inner mind is risky, even to Sergeant Barnes. He may have recovered before, but we don’t really know just how much elasticity and recovery potential his brain has.” She had a look like she’d realized she’d said a lot, which cause to Steve to smile in spite of the seriousness of it. “What I’m saying there are risks as well as side-effects that could be long-lasting.”

“I know.” Steve answered. “But I have to believe the external risk of doing nothing is worse right now.” He looked at them both again and added. “Ultimately it’s really up to Bucky though.. and he wants to do it even with the potential risk.”

With that Pam did seem to reluctantly give permission to get it done as soon as possible. Shuri said she needed a little time to prep and get some of the equipment up to the room. She could do it right there in the room Bucky was currently in and that worked fine for everyone involved. Steve was okay with a few hours, to give Bucky some time to calm down and consider it all. His mood wasn’t good at the moment but Steve was hoping maybe Natasha would be able to sort of help him out.

And the imminent arrival of Wanda and Arya would definitely help too.

Now that that discussion was over, he had to confer with Tony on security. He was trying to decode the tape and find out not only how the asshole had gotten in, but how he was hacking into their phones. It seemed irritating to Tony, who took a lot of pride in the imperviousness of his tech, and he was taking it very personally. Which to Steve thought boded well, because he’d work extra hard at it as a result. Especially when his ego was at stake here.

“I don’t care how smart this jerk thinks he is.” Tony stated as he was turning over the data. “I’m still smarter.”

“Did you get something?” Steve asked. “Anything at all about how he got in at least.”

“Actually, on that I think I just did.” Tony told him as he pulled up a map of the section of the hospital they were in. “See this right here?” He pointed to a corner of the holographic map. “This was an old entrance that is essentially not used anymore, except for some stuff who use it for cigarette breaks.” He shook his head. “Never understood how you could still smoke and work in a hospital.. it seems counterproductive.”

Knowing Tony could go off on tangent about this Steve refocused him. “Is that how he got in?”

“It’s the only one I can think of we had everything else sealed off.” Tony replied as he brought down the screen. “Some idiot probably left it chocked open or something.”

“Any cameras there?”

“According staff that’s why they use it because there isn’t any.”

“So how did he know about it then?”

“That we will most likely never know.” Was the answer he got for that. “The guards are questioning the stage but no one is going to cop to leaving the door or even letting it slip.. that I’m pretty sure considering the consequences if they do.” He shook his head. “It’s always better not to get caught right?”

Steve felt a bit pissed looking at that, thinking if he got his hands on those in question who’d been that careless, he would not go easy on them. Especially when he could clearly see how easily that door accessed the hallway, which went right by Bucky’s room. The questions on how he figured all this out could wait for another day. From what it looked like they’d sealed the door up and from what he knew they were checking the building for anyone who was not on the approved list. So, for the moment at least, they had some time.

“So how bad did Barnes say this guy was?” Tony asked finally after a few more security things. “Anything like the last one.”

“Pretty bad.” Steve confirmed. “In fact, between him and Nat it sounds like he might be worse if that’s possible.”

And the truth was he had a feeling there was a lot Bucky wasn’t telling him about this guy. Nothing that would help them locate or stop him, just his general tendency to hold out on details. He thought maybe Nat could get it out of him, but he sometimes wished Bucky would be completely open about these things. He tried not to think that thought might constitute jealously but a part of him felt like it could be. It felt selfish in some ways because he knew that’s why Bucky had friends and a therapist. That some things were easier to tell others but that feeling was there just the same.

“So what’s his motivation?” Tony asked curiously. “Because that might help and all.”

“I’m not sure.” Steve answered, standing with his hands on his hips. “Revenge maybe for testifying maybe. Truth is I’m not sure even about that though.”

“Barnes is being very forthcoming is he?”

“When it comes to these things, he can be short on details.” Steve admitted. “It’s complicated sometimes.”

Tony seemed to get this in a strange way. “Whatever the reason we’ll get him just the same.” He said in response to that.. “He may think he’s smart but I’m a damn genius with a lot of money.”

Steve smiled at that. “Don’t forget the ego.”

“Damn right Rogers.” Tony replied as he left to make a call. “I don’t’ like to be bested at anything, especially tech.”

It wasn’t long after that Wanda finally showed up with Arya in tow. The little cat was sitting good-naturedly in a mesh carrier. Which was the only type of carrier Bucky would allow her to be put in. Because it didn’t look like a cage in a sense. Bucky had long insisted that she never be put in one again and Steve hadn’t argued, understanding his reasons for this quite well.

Wanda immediately threw her free arm around Steve’s neck to hug him. She was certainly not a skittish girl, but it was clear the direct threat had rattle her a little just the same. “I can’t believe how close that asshole got.” She said as she pulled back to look at Steve with wide eyes. “I should’ve known though because this little one got a little agitated.”

Steve unzipped the carrier to take a leashed Arya out and hold her. “Did she now?”

“She kept looking out the window and growling a little.” Wanda explained. “I thought she just missed you guys so I dismissed it but… she knew something was up.”

Said cat in question was now rubbing against Steve’s shirt and purring again. Steve was not surprised that she would’ve picked up on a threat like that, he supposed her history would’ve made the little cat hyper-aware of threats. Still it was fascinating behavior worthy of Bucky himself he thought.

“Well you’re both here now.” Steve told her, scratching Arya’s head. “I know Bucky will be happy to see you both.”

“How is he?” She asked, watching him with worried eyes. “Is he feeling okay?”

Steve sighed, letting Arya nuzzle him a little more. “He’s had a very up and down day.. more the latter though I suppose.” He nodded toward the direction of the room. “Nat’s with him now.”

She nodded and touched his arm. “And how about you?” She asked, showing concern for him too. “How are you holding up?”

It was a tough question to answer. Coordinating security, overseeing Bucky’s medical care, and dealing with Bucky himself when he was up and down like this was a hell of a juggling act. He never liked to admit he was overwhelmed but he did feel it quite a bit. And he knew lying was pointless.

“I’ve had better days.” He admitted. “But I suppose it could’ve been a lot worse.” He rubbed Arya’s back, more to comfort himself than the cat. “We decided to do the thing tonight so maybe it’s good you’re here.”

Wanda looked confused and more than little worried. “Isn’t it a little soon for that after last night.”

“Well we were gonna wait but that was before that asshole paid Bucky a visit.”

Her eyes flew open at that. “He was here?” She asked, looking scared now. “Did he hurt him?”

Steve took another hard breath and shifted Arya slightly in his arms. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “Bucky was asleep when he did and… we just don’t know yet.”

“Well I’m gonna check when I see him.” Wanda said adamantly. “I can look inside and see if anything’s off in there before we do anything.”

Steve nodded, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to argue with her. In fact, thought that was a pretty good idea actually. And her presence would help Bucky out tremendously right now. “You’ve always been able to help him more than I can.” He told her, admitting a truth he still sort of believed. “He doesn’t shut you out as much.”

Wanda’s face got really soft at that statement. “Steve you do more for him than anyone else.” She assured him, putting both her hands on his arms. “You’re the reason he tries so damn hard he tells me that all the time.”

_This may sound corny as shit.._ he remembered Bucky saying once, not long ago either. _You’re my sunshine punk.._

“That what he says too but.. sometimes.” Steve started and then just paused to gather himself. “Sometimes I wish he’d just.. open up a little more.”

“You think he doesn’t trust you is that it?” She asked him pointedly. “Because trust me he does its just.. hard for him to tell you some things that’s all.”

She gave him a kind of a side hug and scratched Arya’s head as she laid hers on his shoulder. “I know I guess I’m just tired.” He said with a heavy sigh again, putting his arm around Wanda. “It’s been a rough couple of days.”

“Well how about we take her over to see him.” Wanda suggested, sort of pulling him along with her. “Maybe it’ll loosen a few things up for you both.”

“Alright.” Steve agreed, thinking maybe she was right. Arya’s presence tended to have a good effect on Bucky in general. “Let’s go do that.” He rubbed Arya’s chin a little. “Wanna go see Daddy?”

The little cat meowed as if to confirm this, her bright green eyes staring up at Steve happily as they went down the hall see Bucky.

\--

It was tough to relive this, but Natasha was a good listener, never interrupted.

_He was laying on that bed, in another room he’d gotten horribly familiar with. From a long list of horrible places. Was still turning his hand in that cuff, feeling that familiar sting, which was one of the few things he could still feel now. His foot pushed up slightly against the folded sheet at the end of the bed, which had been pulled off the mattress for ‘practical’ reasons. _

_The Soldier knew he’d be back, and it would most likely happen again. It was rare that it was just once. _

_He was having a hard time remembering his life before all this, vague memories that he was once a different person. A normal person. Someone who was somewhat happy. Those old memories were fogged up by the endless torture, training and brainwashing. The only rest he ever got when he slept. Or when he was left alone like this, even just for a few minutes. It was a small reprieve. _

_But he wasn’t completely alone this time. There was presence in the room. Not the Colonel this time but maybe someone who might’ve been worse in a way. The Soldier was always on alert for potential danger, especially when he was helpless like this, cuffed and chained. And not even dressed either. _

_“How does it feel?” The voice asked, horrible in its youth and seeming innocence. “When he does that to you?” _

_The Soldier turned his head to see that boy, the one who’d gotten him punished that time, standing there. His eyes were dark and soulless. Even the Soldier could feel the lack of any real humanity in this person. Like the devil disguised as a child. _

_“I know you know how to talk.” The boy said with that same tone. “I’ll let you out of the cuffs if you tell me.” _

_There was flicker inside him at that possibility. Because even though the Soldier followed orders, the Colonel had said he wouldn’t hurt him like the other one did. Which had turned out to be a big lie. He’d hurt him even worse if that was possible. The Soldier had a little mind to teach him something about that, even if he was confused as to why he had those thoughts at all. It was like there was another voice in his head, a quieter one, but one that kept trying to get him to listen to it._

_But that strange part of him also felt reluctant to tell this kid what it felt when the Colonel did these things to him. It didn’t feel like the best trade. Because then he’d have a piece of him too. A painful part of his soul. Which was exactly what he wanted. _

_“Why do you want to know?” He asked the kid, even though he’d already figured it out., _

_“Because to be honest Soldat… I don’t really feel much in the way of pain.” He was told in that chilling voice. “I’m curious is all.” _

_“We won’t tell you.” He told the kid, turning away, unable to look in those eye anymores. “We can take this.” _

_He’d realized he could handle what the Colonel was doing to him more than he could handle giving this scary kid a piece of himself. The part of him that was still Bucky was just stubborn enough to not allow this. To keep certain feelings to themselves. Because it was deeply personal. But the kid had another card to play. _

_“Suit yourself.” He said. “But I know the words Soldat..” This caused him to turn his head back to him as he spoke. “I can make it cold inside you.. I can even make it feel like the blue light is inside you again.. I can control your brain and it make it hurt much worse.” _

_If he had a fear it was that, and the little bastard knew it. He’d been around, seen stuff, heard stuff. Took it all in, the kid was studious. Both the Soldier and Bucky were terrified of both those things. Of the freezing cold that went to the bone, and the burning inside when the blue light hit. And they really wanted out of these cuffs. So he gave a piece of himself up that. _

_He told him how much it hurt, and the kid ate it up. Like a student learning a new face. _

_“It hurts a lot.” The Soldier admitted, looking at those soulless eyes as he did. “We feel dirty and.. sticky inside.. we don’t like it.” _

_And the kid undid the cuffs on him. Setting him loose. _

_The first thing he did was grab the knife the Colonel had left on the table and put it right to the kids throat. Planning on silencing him forever. The one person he’d ever confessed the horribly used and dirty feeling he’d had inside. He looked down at the kid, the blade of the knife ready to dig in, to end it and just escape. Even if it meant death it would be better than this life he was living now. _

_“You won’t kill me.” The kids said, not looking the slightest bit scared at this. _

_“And why wouldn’t we?” He hissed at him, metal fingers flexing around the knife handle._

_“Because I’m not the one you want.” The kid said. “Don’t waste your time on me.”_

_And the hand stopped. Not just because of what he said, which was technically true. Not because he couldn’t get both of them and still have time to get out, but for another, very confusing reason. _

_Because there was a part of him that was still Bucky in there, and that part just couldn’t kill a child. That part knew if he did, it wouldn’t matter if he got away or not. He would belong to them forever. It didn’t matter if the kid was the devil himself he just.. couldn’t. It was one of the last times Bucky had any real control over the Soldier’s actions for a very long time._

_The knife moved away from the kid’s throat and he let him go, backing up. _

_“See?” The kid said in a rather smug way. “Told you.” _

_“Go.” He told him, metal fingers gripping the knife. “Now.” _

_“Thank you Soldat.” The kid said, but not for saving his life he knew. “With luck we’ll see each other again.” _

_And with that the kid turned and left. The Soldier was left confused for just a moment as to why he’d spared him. But was distracted by the approach of the Colonel, coming back for more. The Soldier gripped the knife tighter and got in an ambush position. Like a predator waiting for his prey to come to him. _

_And he used that knife, making sure he would never be able to hurt him like that again. _

The fact that Natasha had listened to this whole thing without interruption was one thing. But it wasn’t out of the sick fascination that kid had had with his pain. It was out of empathy and understanding. Her green eyes spoke volumes about how she could understand the depth of this experience in all its horror. She could understand what it was like to have that pain used against you. To be moved like a puppet the way he had been by all the monsters around him.

“I can’t ever tell Steve about that.” He told her, blinking back his pain over it. “You understand?”

She nodded gently. “Believe it or not I do.” She replied, putting her hand gently on his. “I understand completely.”

“I kept selling my soul over and over again for a tiny bit of comfort.” He said to her. “And lost a little more of myself each time.” He closed his eyes tightly for a moment. “I just went further and further away until I could find my way back.”

“You did come back though.” Nat reminded him. “Don’t let him take that from you now.”

He knew she was right on that, but it still hurt a little and felt pretty raw. But he felt a little better having confessed it to someone. Knowing that the longer he’d held onto it, the more the Agent would own him now.

“It’s like I can’t get away though.” He lamented, voicing a thought he’d been having a for a while now. “That I’m just.. not allowed to have a normal life.”

“Your life may be never be normal that’s true.” Nat said thoughtfully, not bothering to argue the point like Steve would’ve because she understood the feeling. “But you did get away and you can make your life whatever you want it to be.. they don’t get that decide that anymore.. you do.”

Bucky laid his head back against the pillow. “I know I just.. can’t figure out what it is yet.”

He watched as Nat reached into her bag, pushing her ponytail out of the way as she did. She pulled something out of it. Something familiar to him, but maybe for the wrong reasons. It was a gun, a Glock and he looked at her confused and a bit reluctant as she handed it to him.

“I think the problem is that you haven’t had a lot of control over that decision.” She told him as she held it out to him. “Maybe you need to take some of it back again. “ She gave him a steady look. “You understand?” 

Bucky stared at the gun for a moment before letting his flesh hand close around the handle. His fingers still didn’t feel quite feel right but the hand knew exactly what to do with this. It knew it as well as it knew what to do with a paintbrush. It was just as familiar with the feel of it as it was the feel or Steve’s hair. It was devastating how easy it felt. But how strangely empowering it was at the same time.

“I think so.” He answered, staring at in his hand.

“I’m not saying to go out and shoot someone.” She explained as he re-familiarized himself with the feel of it. “Just think of it sort of a metaphorical sort of way.” She smiled and tossed him the clip, which he caught effortlessly with his metal hand, without even looking actually. “The sooner you can embrace even the ugly parts of yourself, the less they can use it against you. And the stronger you’ll be.”

He was realizing in a lot of ways that maybe he was, to a large degree, almost denying his other abilities because of what they’d been used for. Instead of seeing it as sign of something terrible n him, he should see it as an advantage in a way. Because that asshole though he’d been weakened by his choice of a quieter life, just like the Colonel had. And just like him, that had been a critical mistake.

Which brought and epiphany to him. A new light going on again. He’d turned the tables on the Colonel nearly six months ago and won. He could do it again.

“They’re not gonna get him.” He told Nat suddenly as he slammed the cartridge into the gun, which mildly hurt his hand. “I’m the only one who can..”

Natasha seemed to nod at this, as if she understood what he was getting at now. And that he’d gotten her point as soon as the gun hit his hand. “Yes you are.” She confirmed. “As long as you don’t forget who you really are as well.”

“I know who I am.” He replied to her as he hid the gun under the mattress for now. He then wrapped his metal hand, which bore his wedding ring, around his dog tags and smiled. “I know exactly who I am.”

Nat just smiled and put her hand on his flesh one, squeezing it. “That’s why you’re gonna win.” She told and then turned her head as if hearing something. “Don’t tell Rogers I gave that to you okay?”

“Of course.” He said, smirking himself as he did. “I’d never get you in trouble like that.” He squeezed her hand back and then added. “When the time come though.. I may need your help with this.” He bit his lip as he held her eyes with. “Because you’re the only who can.”

Nat seemed to understand this too but had a question just the same. “You’re not gonna tell him are you?”

“Not until it’s done.” He confirmed to her. “He’ll probably be pissed at me but…it’s gotta be that way.”

He knew exactly what he was saying and what it could mean but there was no other solution to this. The one would not be caught as easily as the Colonel was. And there was only one way to deal with someone like him. To eradicate them. Like he should’ve done back then. But he also knew he was putting Natasha in a rough position too.

“If you’re not comfortable with this it’s alright.” He offered, giving her and out. “I’ll understand.”

“I think Steve would more pissed at me if I didn’t back you up.” She told him. “So I’m in whenever you need me too be.”

Bucky felt the weight of his decision at this point as well. Knowing that Steve might not forgive him right away, especially if it went wrong. But if meant keeping everyone he loved safe and having his life back he was willing to risk that. All he could hope for was that Steve would understand that someday.

“Obviously it’s not gonna be tonight.” He assured her, sitting back in the hospital bed. “Gotta get this shit out of my head first so I can finally leave this place.”

It was at that moment that the door opened, and in walked Steve and Wanda, the love of his life holding a little ball of fluff in his arms. Bucky had to fight himself from squealing and bounding out of bed at sight of his little girl. Who lept out of Steve’s arms when he got close and landed right in Bucky’s lap, purring up a storm as she did. The moment he got arms around her he almost broke down, forgetting temporarily, about his plans with Natasha. He just folded her up I and felt her little body purr with joy as she was finally reunited with her Daddy again.

He could feel everyone in the room smile at this and when he looked up it was confirmed. And after giving him an extra minute, Wanda’s arms were around him too, hugging him warmly as well. He nodded to Natasha a silent ‘thank you’ for the talk. For the understanding and encouragement. And she smiled and nodded back as well before turning to Steve again.

“I’m gonna go help out with security.” She told him, winking at Bucky as she looked back. “Now that my babysitting duties are over and all.”

“I’ll get with you later.” Steve told her as she left the room. And then turned to the trio on the bed now. “Now this is picture right here.”

“Rogers I swear to God if you take another picture of me here.” Bucky threatened, although not seriously. “You’re gonna pay.”

“Looking forward to it jerk.” Was Steve’s reply as he took the picture anyways. “Say cheese.”

Bucky just flipped his middle finger at him over Wanda’s shoulder, but it did actually come out as adorable picture he had to admit. He knew that he’d been letting this asshole take the basic joy out of his life and he wasn’t going to let that happen anymore. He knew what he had to do and knew full well if Steve knew he’d lock him up right now for his own protection.

Right now, he just wanted to spend a few extra minutes feeling this warmth and happiness before he really had to get down to business. Which started with the procedure. One he knew was gonna hurt a lot.

Wanda pulled back and held his face with her hands, which were starting to glow. “I want to look instead and make sure he didn’t do anything to you.” She informed him. “Is that okay?”

Bucky nodded, knowing it was better safe than sorry. It would put a crimp in all of it if there was something else wrong with him. And he could hide any thoughts he needed to hide. He was really good at moving things around if he had to for self-protection. Not that he had to protect himself from her that was. He just needed to keep her and Steve out of those plans.

“Have a go kid.” He said to her, shifting Arya around a little on his lap before sitting back against the bed. “Just to be sure.”

He closed his eyes and let the warmth fill his head as she explored a little, looking in the places she knew these things might be. He felt strangely sleepy this time though, as if the mere act of her walking around in there was tiring, but he supposed it was because it was late. But it wasn’t like he was going to sleep any time soon. They would be up most of the night and it sure was not going to be fun either.

“I don’t see or feel anything weird.” She declared as she looked around, like someone browsing a library. “Just go a little further in and then I’ll be done.”

Bucky just petted Arya, who was purring away on his lap. His fingers stung and itched a bit but seemed to be getting their feeling back. He thought about the gun that was under the mattress and hoped no one would find it until he could get around to move it to a better place. But it did make him feel more in control of the situation and he supposed that wasn’t a bad thing. The thing that had bothered him was how comfortable it still felt in his hand. How familiar. He felt the Soldier part of him react as well to it as well. A sort of curious response to why they had it at all since they hadn’t laid a hand on a weapon of any kind since the Colonel nearly 6 months ago. After which he discarded any weapons he’d had still.

But he didn’t let himself think too much about it while Wanda was browsing around in there.

“I don’t’ think he did anything.” She said as she seemed to pull back. “I didn’t feel like it did before.” She withdrew completely and sat back. “I think he just said to scare you.”

“Well it worked.” Steve said with a dangerous edge in his voice. “But thank you for checking.”

Bucky himself was kind of pissed at the way that bastard had taunted Steve like the Colonel had. Trying to get a rise out of him. A reaction. It just solidified his wanting to take care of this himself. To protect his punk from this kind of pain and worry. So it never happened again. He would send a clear message to any still lingering out there.

“So now that that’s out of the way and all.” Bucky mused, his eyes half-closed. “When does the real fun begin?”

“A couple hours.” Steve told him, standing back just a little with his arms crossed. “Enough time for you to rest up jerk.”

Bucky rolled his eyes again at Steve. “I told you I’ve had plenty of rest.” He grumbled, crossing his arms like an ornery child. “I am very well rested thank you.”

Steve gave Wanda an annoyed look. “See what I have to deal with?”

“Oh can it punk.” Bucky shot back. “Like you were a goddamn saint growing up.”

“So it’s payback huh?” Steve replied, seeming to willingly play along. “I should’ve known.”

“Damn straight it is.” He confirmed, a sassy look in his lidded eyes. “Deal with it.”

“You guys so are so adorable.”.” Wanda said with a chuckle of her own, enjoying the show. “Maybe we can play some cards or something for a little bit.” She looked up at Steve at that moment. “Maybe it’ll tire him out enough for a nap.”

Bucky scowled at Wanda for the use of that word, but just for show really. And he was tired but he was going to be damned if he was going to admit that after that little show he’d just put on. And a game of cards would distract him, if only for a little while, from what was really bothering him. Still thinking about that gun in his hands and what he wanted to do with it.

“What do you say punk?” He asked Steve, hoping he would go for it. “Care to try your luck against the Queen of Exploding Kittens?”

Steve smiled at that. “Okay jerk have it your way.”

Bucky gave him a victorious look. “Knew you’d come around.”

So, with the cat purring his lap, hunkering down for a little bit, they got into a nice competitive game, which took Bucky’s mind off of everything from earlier. Including that memory of an earlier life. And his future plans to preserve the one he had. And for a little bit he did forget that he ever had a different one than this. He remembered that he could be, well, normal.

\--

Wanda had stayed a little bit for the one game before giving them some alone time with their pseudo daughter. Some family time as it was called, while they were waiting for the procedure, which would be preceded by a last-minute sweep of the room for bugs and other cameras as a precautionary measure.

The time was strategic as well, as it gave them both some precious time to decompress as the night turned into late-night.

Steve sat on the bed, letting Bucky rest with his back against his chest. He had Arya on his lap, petting her while Steve rubbed his shoulders, and nuzzled his face into Bucky’s brown hair. “Guess you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Why you think I was mad?” Bucky asked curiously as he scratched Arya’s chin with his metal fingers.

“A wild guess.” Steve said into his hair. “You got more sarcastic than usual, so I figured boo bear was upset.”

He felt Bucky chuckle a little at that. “Nah I’m not mad anymore.” He confirmed, leaning back a little more into Steve’s arms. “Got it out of my system I guess…” He turned his head to smile crookedly at Steve. “The rest was just for fun punk.”

Steve nodded and brushed some hair off Bucky’s neck. “You and Nat must’ve had an interesting talk.”

He tried not to make it sound like he was fishing, knowing if Bucky wanted to share what they’d talked about he would. But he had noticed how much more settled he’d been since she’d been there. He was sure the cat’s presence had something to do with it but, but Natasha had definitely had an effect and even thought Steve still felt that strange residual jealously over this issue, the truth was it was a good thing. Anything that helped Bucky feel better was a very good thing, even if it meant he wasn’t talking to him about it, at least he was talking to someone.

“Yeah it was.” Bucky sort of confirmed. “We can relate on a few things it seems.” His showed a slightly curious look as he did. “I’m surprised you’re not asking what we talked about.”

“That’s because it’s none of my business Bucky.” Steve told him pointedly. “As long as you talk to someone about these things that’s all that matters.”

“Well if you really want to know the truth.. I was a little mad at you earlier.” Bucky confessed, seemingly put at ease but what Steve had just told him. “I just… feel like everyone else is pulling the strings for me sometimes.” Steve could see the still healing right hand, stroke Arya’s little paw, which may have been more for his comfort than hers. “Like everyone is making decisions for me just like they used to back then.”

“I understand that Buck I do.” Steve said to him in a soft voice, meaning it fully. “It’s why I do my best to make them with your input.” He wrapped his arm a little tighter around his middle. “I’m trying not to be like them.”

“I know you do.” Bucky answered as he continued to pet a sleeping Arya, who adjusted quite well to the new surroundings it seemed. “It’s just and old habit.. like I gotta keep pushing back to prove to myself that I’m allowed to.”

Steve nodded and put his chin on top of his, holding him tight around his with one arm. He knew these stays in the hospital were hell for him. That he felt like he probably had when they were experimenting on him, locked into a bed with wires coming out of him and it all being out of his control. So he was always careful not to get too frustrated with him when he was here. Tried be softer and and more understanding. He had become an expert at dealing with trauma on this level.

“You can hiss, growl and scratch all you want jerk.” He told him, nuzzling his face into his hair. “You’re allowed.”

Bucky chuckled again and picked up own of Steve’s hands and put it to his mouth. “Don’t forget biting punk.” He reminded him, wrapping his lips and teeth around one of Steve’s knuckles playfully. “I do a lot of that too.”

“How could I forget?” Steve commented, finding that spot on Bucky’s neck to return the favor. “I like when you do that.”

They did find that being playful sometimes helped with any residual tension and this was no exception. There wasn’t time for much of anything else. It was just good to act as normal as possible. So he spent a little time on his neck, under his hair and by his ear, and Bucky spent quite a bit of time on that hand, kissing each finger, while still petting his little girl with his flesh hand. The fingers of Bucky’s metal hand wrapped around Steve’s hand as he as he paused on the ring finger for a moment to just appreciate it a little.

“I don’t know how all of this is gonna come out.” He said suddenly against that hand. “I’m kinda scared.”

“Me too Buck.” He admitted, being totally honest. “Me too.”

He didn’t mention the conversation he and Pam had had about what they would do if something went wrong here too. That some rough decision would have to made at that point. Bucky was still, to some degree, physically weak from not only what had been set loose in him, but how they had to treat it, and he honestly didn’t know what was going to happen or how he was going to come out of it.

“I guess what I’m just saying punk is…I’m sorry in advance is all.” He said, pressing that hand to his face. “For whatever happens.”

It was a curious statement that Steve would reflect on later as a clue to Bucky’s intentions. But for now, he just gently turned Bucky’s face to him and kissed him softly, letting his other arm wrap tighter around his waist again.

“Well I love you jerk.” He said in a soft voice as he pulled away. “So I’ll forgive you anything.”

He saw Bucky’s blue eyes flicker slightly at that before responding. “Love you too punk.”

He laid his head back against Steve’s chest and just petted Arya in silence after that. Steve rested his chin back on his head, wishing he knew what was going on his head sometimes. Wishing he could see in there like Wanda could. See what he was keeping from him even now. Because it felt important. It had seemed both release him and burden him at the same time.

Right now, he just wanted him to relax until it was time to do this thing. Which he was worried about himself. Shuri was going to do it right here so he could be monitored better. After the bug and camera sweep that way.

Speaking of that Bucky was startled out of what felt to Steve like a restful nap by the door opening. He was still a bit jumpy despite his strange shift in attitude, so Steve had to calm him down a bit. “It’s alright they’re just here to check the room first.” He assured him. “Remember?”

His eyes darted around the room fearfully for a moment but then he seemed to relax. The heartrate on the monitor dropped slightly when Bucky realized it was okay. Seeing familiar faces in the room, as Tony didn’t want any outside people doing this, so it was him, Sam and Natasha checking everything out before giving the all-clear to Shuri to bring in what she needed to do this. Dressed in a more subdued but no less colorful outfit.

Pam was still a bit nervous about doing this, checking all Bucky’s vitals just to make sure he was in the right place physically and mentally. She even checked his hand and feet as well. The color was mostly back in the hand and so was most of the feeling, his feet weren’t quite there yet though, still looking a bit off color and still seemed to be numb in places.

“That’s not unusual.” She observed as put the socks back on. “They’re further away and suffer a bit more but they are improving.”

“Yeah it’s like my toes still aren’t there.” Bucky added, smiling a bit as she checked the other foot. “And still bright pink.”

“It’s better than blue or purple.” Pam reminded him. “Trust me.”

Steve gave him a kiss on the head. “Plus pink looks good on you.”

Bucky raised his eyebrow at that. “Is that why you like those bunny slippers so much punk?” He asked slyly. “I’ll have to remember that when we get home.”

Steve actually had an image of a pair of tight, hot pink shorts to go with those slipper and had to dismiss it quickly before it became obvious to everyone else. “You better cut that out jerk.” He warned in low voice. “At least in polite company.”

Bucky just ginned evilly at that. “Why would I? It’s kinda fun Stevie.”

“Are you two done playing around?” Shuri asked as she came over. “Because it’s time put on a new accessory Sergeant Barnes.” She thn smiled herself in a sassy way. “Unfortunately Captain I don’t have it in pink.”

Steve actually saw Nat grin at that too and gave her a severe look. “Not a word you.”

Shuri began by putting what looked like a thin headband of sorts onto Bucky’s head. He didn’t look comfortable with it, he never was when it came to things like this on his head. Too many memories of the mind-wiper, or the ‘blender’ as he would jokingly call it in an attempt to lighten up. Bucky had two modes when he got scared, humor or defensiveness, there was no in between there. He grabbed Steve’s hand and squeezed it, and tried to smile as bravely as possible as he did.

“You might want to take her.” He said out loud, motioning to Arya with his other hand. “I might squeeze my hand and accidently hurt her.”

Wanda got this signal and came and got her. “Come on munchkin.” She said to the reluctant cat, who literally did not want to leave her Daddy just yet, digging her claws into his shirt. “You can go back to Daddy later.”

Bucky gave her a kiss on her little head and pulled her claws loose gently with his metal hand. “Just for now darlin we’ll cuddle later.”

Steve thought this was the cutest thing ever, she was like a clingy child who didn’t want to leave their parents. She finally reluctantly let go but meowed a little in an upset way as Wanda took her out of the room, along with the others present.

“You can squeeze my hand all you want jerk.” He told him instead. “It won’t hurt me.”

“Speaking of that.” Bucky added as they were getting ready. “You might want to put at least this one in the restraint..” He lifted his metal arm. “ Because if he wakes up…”

Steve still hated that he felt he had to do that but knew it was pointless to argue. “If that’s what you want.” He said to him. “Even though it’s not necessary.”

“It is what I want punk.” Bucky answered, biting his lip. “I don’t’ wanna hurt anyone in the room.”

Steve noticed the in the room thing there thinking that was interesting thing to say but for now it wasn’t important. He just nodded and took the metal arm and put in the restraints. Knowing it made Bucky feel better to do this. And most importantly, it was his decision to do it. Being reminded of their earlier conversation and all, where his captors made all those decisions for him then, including restraining him.

“Do want the other one too or just that one?” He asked him, doing a comforting brush of his hair after he finished locking in the metal arm. “It’s up to you.”

Bucky smiled at him softly. “Nah I think I’ll let you hold that one punk.”

“Will do jerk.” He told him, brushing his hair gently. “Will do.”

“I’m gonna give you a sedative in your IV just to keep you calm and as comfortable as possible.” Pam said to him, injecting it into the line. “Shuri says that fine as long as you stay awake.”

Everyone else except for Steve and Pam, had to leave the room. They could’ve stayed for moral support, there was no reason other than that Bucky just didn’t want that audience for this. “It’s bad enough that you and Pam have to see this punk.” Bucky had said earlier. “They’re better off not being here trust me.”

Steve took Bucky’s flesh hand, which could finally go without its protective glove, and squeezed it gently as Shuri did a final diagnostic on the machine. The triggers, found and translate by Natasha, were now loaded in as written and likely spoken and it was ready to retrieve and remove. Steve hoped this would be the last time anyone had to go into his head and mess around like this. He’d done enough of this.

“You ready Sergeant Barnes?” Shuri asked as she made ready to finish the sequence.

“As I’ll ever be.” Bucky confirmed, looking up at Steve with eyes that were fearful but determined. “Let’s get this shit outta me for good.”

Steve nodded, making sure he had a good grip on Bucky’s hand. Knowing this would be hard to watch and it was. It was extremely difficult.

\--

It hurt like hell even with the sedative. He could only imagine how bad it would’ve been without it. It felt someone was ripping his head apart and pulling pieces out. Steve would say later that he gripped his hand so hard a few times that he lost feeling in it. That he screamed occasionally. Tony would also comment that from what he could hear outside the room, that Pepper made less noise having Morgan. And Bucky was actually impressed by that kind of fortitude.

But it was misery, and the thing was, he had to stay awake during in order for the neural pathways to work properly. So he had to suffer with it. And it felt endless. Giving him brief, painful flashes of the worst pain they’d inflicted on him there too. Of fingers in his head, moving things aside and changing his brain in awful way.

It hurt even more when they put those things in his head to begin with. Pain that he’d blocked but could remember in these moments.

He recalled shots of pain that felt like what he imagined being short in the head would feel like, if you survived that was. Each trigger was pain infused to make it stick. The closest he come to it was the pain in head when he woke up at the bottom of the ravine. He couldn’t even lift his head then and it felt like that now too. Like a lead ball had replaced his head.

At points all he could do was whine like an injured animal because screaming hurt too much.

Bucky’s memories of the trigger insertions were always dark and fuzzy, and they always would be he knew. He was in such a state of constant pain his mind had built locks to protect him from it. It was getting through those locks to get them out that hurt the most, causing his body to spasm a bit here and there like his seizures sometimes. He had one or two of those during this he’d learned later. He could here Steve’s voice talking to him as if from away but there just the same.

“Easy Buck..” He’d say almost right in his ear. “It’s okay..”

He would whimper in response and grip his hand tighter, very glad for the fact that metal one was restrained because he would’ve definitely hurt someone. He felt he couldn’t control that arm and the feel of it straining against the restraints confirmed that for him.

Pam would not authorize doing it straight through so there were several breaks, during which Bucky was conscious, but could not, or more precisely would not, open his eyes. Even the light that filtered in through his eyelids was more than he could take, causing him to whimper and ask for some kind of covering on them.

“Please.” He asked at one point, gripping Steve’s hand so tight it would hurt later. “No… light.”

“Okay Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice, very close to his face. “Here you go.”

He didn’t know what was put over his eyes, but it relieved him for the time being. Pam had kept him in a steady supply of sedatives and hydration through his line, even during the breaks. And he could feel Steve’s other hand on his head, brushing his hair soothingly, which calmed him further in his downtime.

The Soldier stayed away largely, Bucky giving him an internal warning about this. And since that part of him liked hospitals even less than he did, he listened and stayed back and away from it as much as possible.

When he was able to think, all this suffering just reinforced his decision to do away with this menace himself. Once the triggers were gone, the man bore no direct threat to him. Only to those he loved. As long as he was still out there, everyone around him would have to be high alert. And Bucky was not going let his friends and their families live like that. The way he lived for years on end, fearful of his own shadow. He was going to put an end to this whatever the cost to himself.

A part of him did wonder if making this firm decision under the duress he was in was the right idea. That the recent traumas he’d been through had colored his decision-making processes. But he knew it didn’t matter whether he was thinking clearly or not. He was the only one who could stop the Agent from hurting more people.

The man wanted him to suffer, and Bucky could take suffering as long everyone he loved was safe. He would never again put his own comfort over the lives of others. He’d done enough of that. If that piece of shit wanted him to be in pain, he could live with it to keep everyone else safe.

When the process began again, he gritted his teeth against it, gripping Steve’s hand and taking the pain because this time, it was going to make things better rather than worse. And because he could take it.

But it was endless just the same. And exhausting. He was fighting from passing out regularly.

_How does it feel?_ He heard that kids voice ask again, like a whisper in his head. _Tell me.._

When he was finally done, he didn’t even realize it because his head hurt so damn much still. He wouldn’t let them take the cover off his eyes yet because he was afraid of the light hitting his eyes. The dark was safer, he could deal with it then. He could hear voices around him but none of them became distinct from each other for a little bit. But he did feel himself being checked over and the band being taken off his head. And finally, one stood out from the other.

“You’re all done Buck.” He heard Steve’s voice say, his warm hand on his face. “You can sleep now.”

But he wasn’t sure he could right now, his head hurt so much he couldn’t relax. There was a solution he knew but he couldn’t’ do it yet, not until he and Steve were alone that was. “I can’t but…” He started, gripping Steve’s hand tightly. “I can… do something else..”

That warm hand on his aching head made him just want to cry so bad. “What Buck?”

“Later.” He choked out, letting his flesh hand wind around Steve’s arm. “When… we’re alone..” He tried to open his eyes and even that hurt. “I can bring…him…out….”

“What is he talking about?” He heard Pam’s voice ask, confused.

“The Soldier.” Steve explained above him. “He doesn’t have the headaches as bad for some reason.”

“That’s like medically impossible.” He heard her say out loud and then add. “But then again.. look who we’re dealing with here.”

“If it will help him deal with the pain.” Shuri’s voice spoke up, the only other person still in the room at the moment. “Then perhaps he should do it sooner rather than later because this will hurt him for a while. And it will hurt a lot.”

Trying to follow the conversation while in this much pain was hard so Bucky just called weakly in his head for his constant companion. Telling him it was okay to come out now. That soon it would be just Steve for a little bit. Until Bucky recovered enough to handle the pain he was in.

“We’re alone now Buck.” Steve told him not long after. “It’s safe now.” That hand on his face, soothing and loving. So calming. “Do whatever you need to do okay?”

He gripped his arm tightly and let himself slide away a little, immediately causing some relief for now. The Soldier, who could feel the pain now, but not at that high of a level, reluctantly opened his eyes to see a slightly distressed looking Steve there. Who was currently taking the metal arm out of the restraint now.

“Steve?” He asked, blinking painfully. The light hurt a little, but not as bad it was hurting Bucky right now.

“Hi.” Steve answered softly, putting his hands on his face and kissing his head softly. “How do you feel?”

“Hurts a little.” The Soldier pointed at his head. “Here.”

“I know it does.” He was told as Steve sat down next to him. “But you’re safe now. They took the bad words out.”

The Soldier searched himself and realized Steve was right. He could no longer remember the rhyme the man had said to him, or any of the other commands. It was like they weren’t there anymore and that made the Soldier happy for so many reasons. Because those words hurt and always had. Every time he heard them it felt like he was getting hit with the blue-light again. It caused him to rise up and throw his arms around Steve’s neck, burying his face in it in relief that he was finally free.

“Can’t hurt us anymore?” He asked into his shoulder, gripping Steve tightly.

“No they can’t Soldier.” Steve told him, his hand on the back of his head. “That’s all over.”

The Soldier’s life had been constant pain, and fear of that pain and to know that it could no longer be inflicted upon was such an unexpected relief. Unlike Bucky, he had actual memories of the implanting that were only now starting to fade with the expulsion of the hurt words.

Puling back, he could see Steve was hurting too, in that way that the Soldier was only just beginning to understand. That you could hurt without physical injury. He put his hands on Steve’s face, wanting to make him feel better too.

“Steve okay?” He asked. “Hurt?”

“I am Soldier.” Steve admitted, his own hands on top of the Soldiers.” Because they hurt you and Bucky so much it makes me hurt too.”

The Soldier leaned his head against Steve’s just like that. “Take care of Steve too.” He whispered to him. “For Bucky.”

“Is he okay?” Steve asked him and he could see that hurt in his eyes.

“He will be.” The Soldier said, echoing words he heard Bucky say. _Tell him I will be okay. That I’m resting for a bit._ “He’s resting.”

Bucky had asked him to take care of Steve like he said, and the Soldier was planning on doing just that. He leaned back against this strange bed and let Steve lay on his shoulder like that. Let him rest too because he was scared and not feeling well himself. He hadn’t slept much Bucky was telling him. _Make sure he sleeps_ too he said quietly in his head. _He’s stubborn._

“He says Steve needs rest too.” He told him out loud as he laid there.

“Did he say anything else?” Steve asked, looking up a little. “He called me stubborn didn’t he?”

The Soldier actually smiled at that. “Yes he did.”

He’d also said something else too that he couldn’t repeat. _We are going to take care of the rhyming man ourselves. But you can’t tell Steve that._ When the Soldier asked him why Bucky simply said. _Because Steve wants to and we can’t let him._

The Soldier understood in some way. They were better at this, they could handle it. And it was protecting Steve. When it came to that, the Soldier was willing to keep it from him to ensure he would never lose his Steve.

The man was bad and they needed to stop him before he could hurt Steve. It was that simple.

But right now, the Soldier’s mission was to look after Steve while Bucky got better. And he was more than willing to complete that mission no matter what. And that didn’t require extra programming.

“You know what stubborn means right?” Steve asked him, leaning up a little on his arm.

The Soldier smiled at him again. “It’s what Steve is.”

Steve laughed at that response, burying his face against his shoulder for a moment. The Soldier really liked when he made Steve happy like this. Because he didn’t look happy at first. And when Steve lifted his head again his eyes looked a little happier. Right before he leaned up and kissed him sweetly. The Soldier liked kisses too. Every since the first time Steve kissed him so long ago now.

_Don’t let him find what’s under the bed either_. Bucky spoke in his head. _You know what that is.._

He did. He would find a way to hide it better once Steve was asleep.

As he was kissing Steve, he reached with his metal hand and pushed it even more under the mattress, only shifting slightly to do so. It wasn’t a big gun anyways. The Soldier had worked with much bigger in his life and this was very easy to hide. He then returned his hand to the back of Steve’s neck and continued to kiss him.

He was content to let Steve kiss him and touch him until they were both sleepy and relaxed. He felt him bury his face his left shoulder, on the scarred part of it and let the metal fingers rest in his hair.

“Our Steve.” He said quietly, his eyes closing. Feeling vulnerable but safe as well as they both rested.

\--

It had been a stressful day and it was deep into the night now, so it wasn’t a surprise that Steve was tired. Very tired. To the point where he fell asleep in the Soldier’s arms for a little while after they’d engaged in a bit of soft making out and comforting touching.

Hours of seeing Bucky going through that pain had been so difficult but he’d never left his side the whole time. Holding his hand, soothing him when he’d seize a bit. Providing comfort. That had been his job there. He and Pam were the only people who’d been allowed to stay in the room during it for obvious reasons.

And he had no plans of leaving him now either. Couldn’t bear to let him out of his sight after that.

Pam and Shuri had both said he was doing quite well considering. That it could’ve been worse. But Stee wasn’t sure how much worse it could’ve been than that. But it was another example of just how strong Bucky was to be able to cope with that level of pain and not pass out. That thought had turned him to the idea that Bucky, and Soldier, had been conditioned to take that kind of pain and that hurt even more to think about.

Recalling when he begged him to put something over his eyes, that even the low light he was getting through his lids was too much. He’d seen him go through so much pain in such a stoic way but then he was practically crying when he was asking for it.

It was representative of all the pain he’d seen him go through and somehow survive. And the idea that someone had caused this in him. Had forced him to go through it. He felt such an unbelievably dangerous rage toward this Agent. He was just representative of all the assholes that had ever dared laid a hand on him and made him suffer all that time.

There would be no quarter if this one every showed his face to him in person.

Steve could feel that metal hand resting in his hair, seemingly brushing it gently. Now thinking of the way the Soldier had reacted to the knowledge that he was completely safe now. Like a child who’d been hurt for a long time and finally knew complete safety. And here he was, taking care of him now.

Everyone always thought he himself was the stronger one, but the truth was, Bucky had always been the stronger one, because he had been able to hold himself up through all the pain that had been inflicted upon him since he was a kid. And had, for a long time, did it by himself.

Unable to help himself, he pushed up the tank his face was currently on and nuzzled the skin underneath. “I love you.” He whispered into that stomach and felt that metal hand move through his hair in response. “I love you so damn much.”

“We love our Steve too.” The Soldier said from above. “But Steve needs to rest too.”

Steve responded to this by just pressing his face more into his stomach, his hands around his waist. “I know.” He murmured against his skin. “But I can’t, not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because.” Steve answered, nuzzling the scar the Colonel had left on him. “There’s someone out there who still wants to hurt you in some way that’s why.”

“The only way he can hurt us is to hurt Steve.” The Soldier said as his hands rested on Steve’s head. “We won’t let that happen.”

Steve looked up, wondering what he meant by that. Bucky was in no condition to do anything about the Agent himself. And there was no way in hell Steve would let him near him or the Soldier. Even with the words gone. There was something even more sinister here, and he wondered if the Soldier would tell him or not.

“Soldier?” He asked curiously as he went back to nuzzling his stomach. “Do you know who the rhyming man was before?”

“He was the boy.” The Soldier confirmed to him. “The one with the black eyes.”

The one Bucky had dreamed about and told him about. Bucky had sort of said without saying, they were the same person, and Steve had made the inference himself on that one. Buc the Soldier confirmed it completely now. He knew that just because this Agent had looked in his mid-thirties meant nothing. He and Bucky looked about that age too. He wondered if the Soldier would tell him anymore about him.

“Why is he after Bucky now?” He asked him, resting his chin on his stomach. “Or is you he’s after?”

“He’s after us both.” The Soldier told him, looking down at Stee. “He wants our pain because he can’t feel it.” There was a troubled look on his face at that moment. “He can’t feel anything.”

Steve remembered Bucky saying how this kid hadn’t blinked when he’d killed someone right in front of him. He clearly had no feeling or empathy and for some reason this had caused a fascination with Bucky while he’d been there. Because of the suffering he’d seen in Bucky. He wanted to cause that suffering so he could… find out what it felt like after. Like folding the sheets like the Colonel used to, and then planting a camera to see Bucky’s reaction to it.

_He’d want to see my reaction… _was what Bucky had said before finding the camera.

“How did he know about the sheets Soldier?” Steve asked suddenly, the picture forming a terrible picture.

“Because he was there.” The Soldier answered, confirming this for him. “After.”

Simply put he knew it would have a desired effect, because he knew what happened when they were folded like that. _He wants our pain.. because he can’t feel it himself…_ The Soldier had just said, and Steve knew he was still dangerous to Bucky himself, even with the triggers gone now. To his mental health because he could trigger him in different ways. Just for his own curiosity and amusement.

“Bucky doesn’t want to talk about that though.” The Soldier continued, causing Steve to look up at him. “He can’t.”

“What about you?” He tried. “Can you talk about it?”

The Soldier looked a little sad at this. “Bucky won’t let us.”

“Why not?”

He saw the Soldier bite his lip in that same way Bucky always did. “To protect Steve.” He said simply, his hand brushing Steve’s hair. “Our Steve.”

He an idea that’s as far as he would get on that subject. The one programming that Bucky had that Hydra had never given him was protecting him. He’d always done it. It was so hard-wired into him Steve knew it was a good part of the reason why getting the ugly stuff out of him was so difficult sometimes. He’d said so many times he’d wanted to preserve Steve’s good, usually at the expense of himself and his own suffering.

_I’m the dark one Steve not you…_

He had a feeling he might’ve told Natasha though. Because whatever it was, she understood it. 

“He doesn’t have to protect me Soldier.” He said to him, looking into those deep teal-bule eyes. “He can tell me it’s okay.”

The Soldier shook his head. “He won’t.” Was his reply. “Some things Steve can’t know.”

He knew that was basically the end of this conversation. It would go nowhere. And that did hurt a little, that he didn’t think Steve could understand these things. But he also knew it was protection as well and there was something about that made him really feel how much Bucky did love him too. So he wrapped his arms around the Soldier’s waist and pressed his face more into his stomach, just letting his stress roll out of him from earlier.

The Soldier’s arms seemed to wrap around him, holding him to him the way Bucky did when they’d lay like this. “Steve should rest.” He seemed to reiterate to him. “It’s what Bucky wants.”

Nodding Steve let go of him and slid up so he could lay next to him. He just wanted him in his arms after just how rough the day had been. He knew more and more that when it all was over, he was going to take him away somewhere so they could both heal again. It was going to happen. It needed to. A season of rest for them both.

“If that what’s you both want then.” Steve told him then, as he pulled the Soldier into his arms, making sure he was comfortable with his IV and everything. “As long as I can hold you while I’m doing it.”

The Soldier smiled and curled against him, laying his forehead against Steve’s. “We’d like that.” He whispered to him, tucking his metal arm between them. “Our Steve.”

After propping up the IV’d arm over his waist, Steve finally let himself settle completely, holding him close. And finally after yet another hard day, did what they wanted and rested himself. Content that Bucky was safe at least for now. As long as he was with him right now no one was getting close enough to hurt him.

He kissed that aching head he loved so damn much and finally fell asleep for quite a bit actually.

\--

Bucky wasn’t sure what woke him up at first, all he knew was his head hurt like hell. Like there was a vice-grip on it and someone kept twisting it tighter. He knew this was going to happen, knew it would hurt probably for a few days too, but anyone who had bad headaches could tell you, knowing that and actually having one were two very different things.

He found Steve wrapped around him like a barnacle and was perfectly okay with letting him do that. And to his surprise, Arya sleeping on his feet as well. Wanda most likely snuck in and, not wanting to wake them up, just dropped her off.

It almost felt like he was home. Almost.

The beeping of the monitor reminded him where he still was. Still in the hospital. With only a vague memory of the procedure done in the wee hours of the morning. Which he thought was probably a good thing. It wasn’t a memory he really wanted anyways.

His phone buzzed on the table and he picked it up, finding a message from Wanda, confirming that she had dropped the sleeping kitty off. _She missed her Daddies too much.._ the message read, _so I dropped her off while me and Nat are having breakfast.. see you later alligator_. This was followed by a smile and a requisite alligator emoji. It caused him to smile even as his head was pounding.

Other than the splitting headache he was feeling a bit better he had to admit. His hand was almost all the way there and the feeling was getting closer to the tips of his toes. He did still feel exhausted though and thought maybe it wasn’t a bad idea to just get some more rest. No one had come in to bother them, so he thought maybe Wanda or Pam had put the ‘resting’ sign on the door and he was grateful to whoever it was.

Keeping his phone in his hand, just in case he got any other messages he curled back up with Steve, who thankfully seemed to be sleeping soundly. Enough for him to be snoring actually. He didn’t mind that today though. He wanted him to get some sleep, he’d been wearing himself out lately.

He’d almost fallen back to sleep again when his phone actually rang this time. It gave him a sense of foreboding because not too many people actually called him unless it was an emergency of sorts. And when he picked it up, that disquiet deepened a bit more.

It was an unknown caller. But he had a feeling he knew who it was.

He tapped the ‘answer’ icon and spoke without waiting. “What do you want?”

“You know what I want Soldat.” The familiar voice said. “And your friends aren’t safe until you give it to me.”

Bucky gripped the phone, feeling the headache spike but kept his voice even. “You may have to refresh my memory.” He asked sarcastically, without the usual affection he used on others. “As you know it’s not that great.”

“Well that is true they did fuck with that pretty good didn’t they? Among other things.” The voice mused. “I want to see you face to face again.. and find out you feel these days.”

“About what?” He asked, focusing on Steve and Array to ground him. “The Dodgers chances this year… cause I don’t have good feelings about that.”

The Agent laughed hollowly on the phone. “Funny.. but you know what I’m talking about.. your memories not that bad.”

“So you want a heart to heart?” Bucky asked, wincing as a bolt of searing pain went through his head. “Talk about our feelings? Reminisce about the good old days in Siberia?”

“Now you’re getting there Soldat.” The voice said, amused. “So how about we clear through the red tape so to speak and do it person so I don’t have to sneak around.”

“I’m sure that’s inconvenient for you asshole..” Bucky answered, feeling under the bed to make that gun was still there. “But what if I say no dice?”

“Then the next thing we discuss is how it feels to lose the love of your life.” The voice mused serenely as he talked to him. “Because like you he may heal quickly.. but he’s not immortal, any more than that pretty friend of yours whose picture I took.”

He felt anger at this, a rage that he could barely control, it made his head pulse more, but knew he had to. If he was going smoke this asshole out, he had to be cool about it. Had be like the Winter Soldier on a mission. Because that anger was exactly what he wanted right now. So he controlled it, but made it clear how he felt just the same.

“If you lay one hand on any of them there will be nowhere in the world you can hide from me.” He hissed, letting that menace in his voice clear. “You hear me?”

“Oh I hear you.” The Agent said, not sounding scared, unlike the Colonel when he got like this. This was a different animal. “Just give me what I want Soldat and I’ll leave them alone.”

He knew what it was he wanted. Just like back when he was a boy standing there, practically taunting after he’d been brutally raped for umpteenth time, he wanted to own a piece of him. To feed off the intensity of the pain that he himself was unable to feel. Bucky didn’t want to give him any more of himself and would do his best to make sure he didn’t have to. But he would have to give him something to get this prick to relax his guard enough for him to take him out.

“I might be able to arrange it soon.” He agreed, pressing his hand to his aching head. “As long as you promise to stay away from my family and friends.”

“It’s a deal.” He heard his adversary say. “I’ll give you a week to ‘arrange’ it.” There was a thoughtful pause for a moment. “I’ll be in touch.” And then added. “You back out and I start picking them off Soldat and that’s a promise.”

And with that the line went dead. And Bucky was unsurprised to find there was no record of there even being a call. He put his phone down, almost threw because it suddenly felt slimy and dirty, making him want to wash his hands. His head pounded now, and he squeezed his eyes shut before curling back up next to Steve again.

“Did someone… call?” Steve asked sleepily. “Who was it?”

Bucky had no urge to tell him about it. There was no reason for him to know about this until it was done. “No one important punk.” He told him, putting his arm back around him. “Just a wrong number.”

Steve didn’t even seem to question this at all. Bucky thought maybe he was too damn tired to at this point. Or just not fully awake. He shifted his feet and then seemed to notice Arya laying there.

“When did she get here?” He asked as the cat crawled up between them both.

“Wanda dropped her off for a bit so she and Nat can have some girl time.” He said as he petted her. “Pretty sneaky of her huh?”

“I’ll say.” Steve mused and playfully rubbed his nose on Bucky’s. “She must’ve learned that from you.”

Bucky just smiled at that, fighting the undercurrent of pain at lying to Steve about the phone acall. Being sneaky wasn’t the only thing he was a little too good at. And he still could feel that dirty feeling he got from that phone call. ‘Sticky’ as the Soldier called it sometimes. He needed to feel better. So he just put his hand on Steve’s face and kissed him softly while the cat snuggled between them.

“What was that for?” Steve asked as they pulled apart after a nearly a minute.

“What?” He asked, playing up the sass a little. “I need an excuse to kiss you now punk?”

Steve smiled. “Or course not jerk.” Was Steve’s response before getting a serious look on his face. “How do you feel this morning?”

It was a loaded question and the urge to spill the beans was strong, but he kept it in. Kept protecting him he told himself. “Well I got the world’s worst headache but.. otherwise alright.”

Steve put a warm hand on that aching head and looked in his eyes, those sky-blue ones of his showing some concern over this. Bucky was sure he didn’t look fabulous this morning because his eyes felt all bleary and very light sensitive. Thankfully someone had the sense to shut the light blocker curtains for him.

“Looks like it hurts a lot.” Steve observed and then he kissed his head softly. “But you still look damn beautiful as always.”

Bucky just couldn’t look in his eyes anymore, feeling like absolute shit for so many reasons. So he just curled back up into his arms and closed his eyes, needing the pounding in his head to go away. And the dirty feeling off his skin and mind over lying to him. He just wanted to be held for a little while and cuddle with his family. Even if they weren’t home, they’d make due.

_Just give me what I want and I’ll leave them alone_… he heard that sneering voice say. He would silence that voice soon. No matter the personal cost.

“You’re the best aspirin I got punk.” He told him, closing his eyes against the light and the world for a while. “The cure for everything.”

And for a little while he was exactly that. Him and that precious little furball cuddled between them. It allowed him to go back to sleep, which in spite of his disdain for all this rest, his body badly needed.

\--

He let Bucky sleep even longer, because he frankly looked like his head was killing him. Rest was the best thing and for once Bucky didn’t fight it. And Steve was glad they weren’t interrupted for anything. He was sure Pam would check on him soon, but for now they were letting him rest.

Steve himself had gotten some good sleep for once, not realizing just how tired he’d been himself. He supposed that he’d been able to sleep knowing that Bucky’s mind was now clear of all that crap. And that there was no more cameras or anything. Feeling like as long as he was here, that prick wasn’t getting to him.

He wanted to get some food for him though, when he finally woke up again. So he very carefully got up as to not wake him or the cat for that matter. Neither one of them woke up, sleeping heavily. Arya had curled up next to Bucky and was purring soundly, her little paws wrapped around his metal arm. And Steve thought he could stare at this forever sometimes.

He opened the door, called the nurse over and ordered some breakfast for them both before returning to the bed to sit on it. And when he did he felt sometime under the mattress he hadn’t noticed before then. It was alarming, making him wonder if the Agent had left him something they hadn’t found, so he carefully reached underneath, trying once again to wake Bucky as he did and found the object that had apparently shifted slightly, which was why he noticed it.

The shape was recognizable instantly even before he pulled it into sight.

The gun was not only present but loaded as well. The safety was even on. And Steve knew Bucky had not brought it with him. He’d gotten rid of all his stashed weapons after they’d gotten back from Hawaii, saying he didn’t need them anymore. Didn’t want them around. So someone had given him this one and Steve had an inkling he knew who that was.

He had a mind to find Natasha and question her about this, but realized that was really angry at her. Or Bucky for that matter. She’d given to him most likely to make him feel safe. And maybe more in control. And after he’d been visited by the Agent like that maybe that wasn’t a bad idea.

But he had a feeling protection wasn’t the only reason he’d been given this weapon. That was the problem. Because the last time Bucky picked up a weapon it had been to deal with the Colonel. And he remembered the way that turned out.

Steve did an internal debate as to whether he wanted to actually confront Bucky with this discovery or to let it go like he had with the bag. But Bucky solved this dilemma by waking up at that moment and seeing him with it. His blue eyes, red-rimmed and bright with pain, surveyed Steve’s mood with little surprise in them.

“Found it huh?” He asked, although it wasn’t really a question. “Surprised it took you this long.”

Steve just held in his hand as he looked at Bucky, his face neutral. “Did Natasha give this to you?”

Bucky blinked painfully at him. “You know the answer to that.”

He sighted and put it down on the bed between them. “I suppose I do.” He answered, sitting down again himself. “She gave it to you yesterday didn’t she?”

Bucky nodded, wrapping his fingers around it. “Are you pissed?”

Steve did an internal survey of himself. “Depends on what it’s for.” He finally answered, pushing back some of Bucky’s sleep mussed hair. “Is if for defense or offense?”

He watched Bucky turn slightly onto his back, pulling Arya with him. His pale face had an slightly defensive look as if he didn’t want to answer the question, which immediately made Steve suspicious.

“I’m not sure yet.” He answered, his eyes shifting away from Steve. “Does it matter?”

“Yes it does.” Steve told him, bracing one hand on the bed next to where the gun was as he leaned over. “If it makes you feel safer to have it I understand that but…” He paused, putting his other hand on Bucky’s. “If you’re planning do something I’m just.. not sure you’re in the right frame of mind right now.”

Bucky’s eyes shifted back to his, and Steve saw some defensive anger on the edges of them. “I’ve been in worse states than this Steve.” He told him, his voice with a hard edge. “And down a lot worse things.”

“I know you have Buck.” Steve answered, not liking the connotation of that statement. “But this is different. “ He tried to choose his words carefully because Bucky was clearly still in a great deal of pain. “I just wanna know why you have it that’s all.”

Bucky just looked at him with an unreadable expression. “Are you sure you want the answer that Steve?”

He thought about his answer to that question. He knew Bucky wasn’t in the best state to make decisions. His mind and body were still healing. But he also knew he didn’t want to upset him or start an argument because of those same reasons. He just reached over and brushed his hair gently again, watching his eyes, rimmed with red and still showing bright pain even though the room wasn’t bright. Looking raw and vulnerable in spite of his expression.

“I just wanna understand Buck.” He said in his softest voice. “That’s all.”

“What do you want to understand Steve?” Bucky answered, seeming to swallow painfully as he spoke. “That I can remember exactly how to load that thing.. and how comfortable I felt when I did.?” He held his eyes even though it seemed difficult. “That I killed several people with a gun just like it?”

Steve did his best to be sympathetic at this statement. “It’s not who you are anymore.”

“Yes it is.” Bucky answered, looking pained as he did. “Being a killer is like being an alcoholic, you can stop doing it but you’ll never stop being one.” He watched his hand wrap around the handle, the metal fingers looking so familiar with it. “It’s what they made me and if I need to use it to protect myself, or those I love then I will.”

He wasn’t sure whether this was an admission of defense or offense and he supposed it didn’t matter really. He was starting to get it though. It made Bucky feel more in control of the situation to go to something familiar like this. And Natasha had understood that too. It’s why she gave to him. Because, like Bucky had said earlier, they had a lot in common. And she wouldn’t idly by any more than he would if was her sitting here too. He didn’t care for Bucky’s ‘once a killer always a killer’ analogy but he wasn’t going to argue with him today. He’d just keep an eye on his behavior for now.

“If it makes you feel better to have it than you can have it.” Steve told him after a few moments. “I’m not gonna make those decisions for you.” He put his hands on his face and held his eyes. “I’m not gonna control you like that.” He leaned his head against his, closing his eyes. “Just remember I love you okay.” He put his hand over the metal fingers holding the gun, touching the ring on of them. “And that this is who you are. Not what they made you.”

He could feel Bucky shudder slightly, lifting his metal hand off the gun to entwine the fingers together for a moment. “I do know who I am.” He answered, looking down at their hands linked together. “As long as you can accept it too. All of it.”

“I’ve always accepted you.” Steve assured him. “I know exactly what I got into you need to stop protecting me from it.”

Bucky smiled at him, even through his aching head. “I’ll never stop protecting you punk.” He told him as he leaned against him a little more. “Even from myself.” 

And Steve knew that was true, Bucky would always try to shield him from the worst of himself. That protectiveness was just simply too hard-wired into him. So he didn’t bother to argue further on that.

“If that makes you feel better jerk then protect me all you want.” He said as he brushed his hair a little. “That’s all I want for you is to feel better.”

He didn’t know whether any of it made a difference or not, whether Bucky’s plans had changed, if he even had them to begin with. He couldn’t tell and maybe he didn’t want to. Because it was ultimately up to Bucky and he do would whatever he was going to do with or without Steve’s permission. But it didn’t matter at the moment because he wasn’t going anywhere anyways. He was in no condition to do so yet. And no one was going to get near him either, because he wasn’t being left alone until Steve was sure he was safe.

And without saying anything he slid the gun back under the mattress where it had been. And hopefully would stay. And he just wrapped Bucky up in his arms for a little while, taking care of him in the most important way possible until he was well enough to do it himself. Whatever that meant.

“My head hurts.” Bucky whimpered softly against his shoulder. “I just.. want it to stop hurting.”

He didn’t say anything to that, knowing he couldn’t make it disappear, all he could was hold him and be here until it got better. So he did that, with the cat climbing between them in the small space provided.

It was enough for now. It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got done quicker than the last one yay me so here goes..
> 
> There was a general theme of acceptance in this chapter I think and I wanted show Bucky and Steve reaching certain levels of it ins some ways. 
> 
> Now it was becoming obvious that the kid Bucky dreamed about and the Agent are one in the same of course. And it should be clear that this kid was not normal in any way. Was in fact sociopathic. He lacks any real empathy or ability to feel emotions that we would take for granted. Real serial killer material here, so he had a fascination with Bucky/The Soldier because there was some humanity and feeling in him in a place where that was so rare. I think of it a lot like the way Hannibal Lecter wanted personal information from Clarice in Silence of the Lambs, it's like a curiosity for him to figure out why he reacts like he does. His motivations aren't 100 percent clear yet but you will learn more of them in the next chapter. Right now he's like a cat torturing a mouse, just to see the reaction and this makes him a different kind of threat than the Colonel was, whose motivation was pretty clear from the get-go. This is angling towards the end of the final arc so it's very important. But he's very disturbing for that reason the way he's doing things. 
> 
> Steve in this chapter was so sort of coming to an acceptance that he can't fix Bucky, and that if he's planning on doing something he's not going to be able to stop him from it either. But the thing regardless of how Bucky handles this, nothing is going to change for Steve, he's still gonna love him, and still going to do his best to help him recover from it too. So the push and pull between them in this chapter showed the evolution of how Steve deals with him now, because Bucky can be a bit of pain in the ass. 
> 
> The scene with Natasha was to me something that also shows how sometimes we can't tell someone as close to us certain things but we can tell others. Natasha understands the situation he's in and the choices he makes better. Not that Steve wouldn't, he just doesn't have the same perspective as she would, and it makes Bucky more comfortable to share what was an uncomfortable story with her. And it allows to give him some measure of control by giving him a weapon as well. The weapon is more symbolic of acceptance of what he may need to do to stop this threat, and that he may be the only one that can do it. 
> 
> The trigger removal process is painful because I would imagine anything with the brain would be. Because I try to base medical care on reality to a large degree it would not be painless to put things in, never mind remove them. It would hurt a lot and it does illustrate how much pain Bucky is capable of dealing with as well. But that he's willing to do this to not only get better but ti mitigate threats as well. He's selfless in that way. And in a lot of ways this story illustrates just how much more human he was and is compared to the people who held him captive. And how much more caring the people around him are now too. 
> 
> I like adding the banter and of course the cat, because let's be honest here, real contact is better than virtual any day and I just loved the way Arya not only jumped right into Bucky's arms, but was extremely reluctant to leave him too so I had to add that. 
> 
> The next chapter I can't really say much about without spoiling it too much, and it probably won't happen until after Christmas because I wanna leave you guys on a semi-positive note before that because the next one... yeeesh that's all I say. But it is leading to that healing happy ending don't worry. And it does look this fic will be longer than the previous one as well, how much longer I can't say yet but more for you guys to enjoyt. 
> 
> As always thank all for the lovely comments and I don't see you, Happy Holidays <3<3<3< 3 and *HUGS*


	38. Aftershcok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologize for the lateness of this chapter, got a lot going on butt this does provide a good distraction so yeah.. 
> 
> Artwork on my Tumblr

“Bucky?” Steve seemed to ask from far away. “What happened?”

He stood there, unable to answer yet, his mind still in a strange state of unrealness. He would realize later it was shock, something he should’ve been very familiar with. But the truth was you could never prepare yourself for it. Experience did not help you here. In fact it might have made it worse, re-traumatizing a mind that had already had more than enough of it. He just looked back at Steve with a blank look for a moment, little bits of memory falling in here and there in spirt of his effort to push it aside.

_We’re really not that much different.._ the Agent’s voice ran in his ears. _We’re both monsters… but unlike you I don’t feel bad about it.. what is that like for you? _

“Bucky?” Steve asked again, stepping forward a little more. “Are you okay?”

Bucky realized at that moment what he must’ve looked like. He still had blood splattered on his face. It hadn’t even dried yet and had that tacky feel he remembered from… back then. That smell. And he didn’t want Steve to touch him right now because of it. Didn’t want to get it on him. Or anything in his house for that matter. Not until he showered that was. Until he got that filthy feeling off his skin.

“I’m fine.” He answered, his own voice sounding tinny and hollow. “It’s… not my blood..”

Steve looked at him sympathetically and being very cautious at that same time. “That’s not what I meant.” He took another step forward, which automatically caused Bucky to step back himself. “Are you okay?”

Bucky knew what he meant in that moment and there was no real answer he could give. “I don’t know.”

He hadn’t known for a while actually. Since he’d been in the hospital and let out of it, he didn’t know. Ever since the cold spell he’d been really screwed up in his head. Had talked to Amelia on Zoom, her being away and under protection at the time, and she’d told him he just might’ve been overwhelmed by it all. He hadn’t mentioned to her the weapon he had been keeping very close to him lately, and why he’d kept it while at the hospital. Hell he hadn’t admitted the whole truth to Steve, even though he’d been surprisingly understanding about it.

He’d had to stay in the hospital for several days after they’d removed the triggers, until his feet were well enough to walk on, and his headaches had eased to manageable level. Meaning a pain he could tolerate. Which was considerable in his case. And even when everyone was allowed to leave the hospital there was still heavy security protocol. Meaning several of his friends were locked down at the compound and under heavy guard in others. Including his therapist. Until the threat was eliminated, that’s how his had to be, and it hadn’t occurred to Bucky that his guilt over this had affected his mental state as well.

Maybe it led to what had just happened he supposed. He would sort out the psychology later.

“I can run you a shower.” Steve suggested, not attempting to get too close yet for which Bucky was grateful. “Get you… cleaned up.”

The shower sounded good, he felt sticky and gross with the blood on his face and his hair. And he wanted to curl up in bed with Steve and Arya and decompress but not until he washed it all off. So he nodded in agreement, giving Steve a grateful look for that at least.

_We’ll get you cleaned up Soldat…_ he heard the Colonel’s voice, feeling one of his hands on his leg even now. _Per our agreement.._

He’d had blood all over him then too as he recalled.

Bucky did not want to think about that right now, not with Steve right there. Someone whose hands he actually wanted on him now. Hands that would make him feel better, not worse. As filthy as he felt at this moment, he wanted Steve in that shower with him. Wanting those hands to help wipe away the ugliness of earlier.

So he reached out a shaking hand to Steve for him to take. “Com with me..” He asked in a quiet voice. “Please?”

“Whatever you want.” Steve answered, getting the flesh hand in a loose grip. “Whatever you need.”

He had given him his flesh hand because the metal one was covered in blood, which was why he’d taken his ring off and put it on his chain again like had before. His bracelet in his jacket pocket. Both of them safe from the tainted blood that had splattered on him, marking him like war-paint. The other hand was relatively clean, so that was the one that could touch Steve right now.

_Did you really think you could live a normal life? _Asked that voice that now belonged to a dead man had asked him over the phone earlier today._ With the nice house and the friends and that cute little cat? It’s not who you really are._

He had bristled at that earlier, but he was wondering now. Doubting himself.

In the bathroom he would not allow Steve to undress him yet, not out of any shame or anything, just because of that blood. Of the gross feeling of those clothes. He was most likely going to burn them later. Along with that accursed book. He undressed himself, which also allowed Steve to see he wasn’t hurt, unlike last time. At least not physically that was.

Like most of them, these wounds weren’t visible on the surface.

He thought about earlier, in the art studio, when he had been trying to paint just a few days removed from the hospital and was having moderate success with it. The painting was dark and troubled, because that’s where his mind was. He was halfway into it when the phone had rung with that call he’d been dreading since the hospital. He’d remembered answering it, tapping the gun he’d kept close to him these days. Had remembered the pause before that voice had spoken..

_It’s been a week Soldat…_ It had said with a veiled malice. _You know what that means.._

Bucky was trying to turn his mind away from that ugly call. From all of it. He just… couldn’t let himself yet. He was still all twisted up and his head was still spinning from it. The shock had not worn off yet. But if he was being honest, he’d been in this state of shock for longer than just tonight. Once again thinking later on, that maybe his actions had been direct result of that as well.

Right now, he just wanted to get in the shower. To just… wash it off.

Once the hot water was hit his skin, he felt most of the blood wash off, circling the drain by his feet as it did, leaving his presence like a weight lifting off. . It even came out of his hair, that shit got everywhere. It was only when he felt most of it was gone that he let Steve touch him in other places. Let him examine him to make sure he wasn’t hurt in any way. Those hands felt so good he had to fight to keep his eyes open. But he did. He was watching Steve, who concentrating on inspecting him, those blue eyes showing love and concern as he did. There was nothing sexual about it, just loving care. Which was exactly what he needed right now he understood.

“Whatever happened… it’s okay.” He heard Steve whisper in his ear, breathing tickling his neck. ‘You’re home now.”

Bucky folded his arms against Steve’s chest and let himself be embraced finally, his face pressing into his shoulder. The memory of the blood splashing on him, reflecting the dim light of the half moon, filled his head, and the feel of its warmth splattering on his skin as it did. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shut this out now. He was home now, and the dirty business had been done. They were safe now. Everyone was.

“I took care of it.” Bucky said after a while into Steve’s shoulder. “It’s over.”

He felt Steve’s hand on his hair, stroking it gently, the other one running over his shoulders, his back, his bottom, everywhere. “I know.” He replied, voice soft but still audible over the sound of the water. “It’s okay.”

Something about him saying that, of that acceptance with question was almost too much for him. Thinking Steve might’ve thought differently had he been there. Hell if he’d been there he might’ve done it himself, which was precisely why he hadn’t been. Bucky badly needed to keep that separate from him.

_Have you told him all of it?_ That voice sneered to him. _I’ll bet you haven’t._

Those words made him shiver but the arms around him never wavered, just held him tight. Just comforted him as the shock started to slip off him a little now. Exposing the raw nerve to steamy air. He let his arm s slide out from between them and wrapped his arms around Steve’s back, burying his face more in his shoulder.

He needed the Soldier right now. Because he didn’t feel particularly strong. He just… couldn’t deal with it all yet. So he called on him.

The Soldier had helped Bucky earlier, steadied him when the job needed to be done. Not that he liked doing it himself. But this man who used to be that kid was detestable. Needed to be stopped. And Bucky was hesitating on it a bit. He never had the stomach for it, the only time he’d ever done it had been in anger and pain. The Soldier could be more efficient. More detached in a way. But especially now when the safety of Steve and the others he was growing to care about were at stake.

He’d helped Bucky take care of that man. And had felt little regret at the time. But like Bucky, he also had felt reluctant to touch Steve right away. Because Steve was different. Steve was not a part of that ugly business. Steve was better than them. Good and safe. Was home.

When he came to himself, he was in Steve’s arms in the shower. Was being hugged, which was something the Soldier had grown to like too. It made him feel safe. Unlike before when he’d come back after a kill, where’d be de-briefed and manhandled. Or in the case of the Colonel, hurt in that ‘other’ way that made him feel sticky, Steve was gentle and kind with him. He took care of him.

“Our Steve.” He whispered as he lifted his head, nuzzling his neck. “Home.”

He felt Steve lift his head to look in his eyes. “Yes Soldier.. you’re home.”

He lifted his metal hand and wrapped it around Steve’s neck, before pulling his lips to his, kissing him right under the water. He could no longer smell death or feel it on his skin. Could no longer taste it. There was only Steve and home. Home was a concept the Soldier was really starting to understand.

“We killed the rhyming man.” The Soldier said as he pulled his lips away, leaning his head against Steve’s. “But we.. don’t want to kill anymore.”

Steve’s hand was on his chin, looking into his eyes with love and compassion. “You don’t have to.” He told him, his other arm tight around his waist, holding their bodies together. “You don’t have to do it ever again.”

It had taken the Soldier a long time to truly understand that Steve wasn’t a handler. A commanding officer. He had often gotten confused by Steve asking what he wanted and not ordering him to do anything. The others had. Including the one that had kept him in his bed on his downtime. Steve never asked for anything but his love and to trust him. Had never hurt him when he didn’t want to do something. And when Steve touched him it didn’t feel weird or sticky.

Steve was his husband. His home. Made him feel safe and because of that he would do anything for him without being asked at all. He’d finally understood Bucky’s loyalty and love because he felt it himself.

With this understanding had come memories of terrible pain. Of just how badly he’d been treated. Those people hadn’t cared about him, they’d just used him. Forced his loyalty through punishment and pain. And this understanding had caused him to hurt in new ways. Ways that Steve made feel better just by touching and holding him like this.

“He was bad. Made Bucky feel bad.” The Soldier told Steve, just continuing to look in his eyes. “Was going to hurt Steve and we couldn’t let that happen.” He turned his face, leaning it closer to Steve’s’. “We love Steve.”

He then kissed him again with a little more force this time. He felt that sharp pain inside him, that new one that came from these feelings that had been awakened inside. He wanted to stop it and kissing Steve helped.

“They didn’t love us.” He whispered against his lips. “They hurt us before, they hurt us after.. no matter what we did they… hurt us.”

“You don’t have to talk about it Soldier.” Steve assured him. “You or Bucky. Not right now okay?”

The Soldier nodded, his forehead against Steve’s. He really didn’t want to, that confession had just spilled out without him being able to stop it. The aftermath of any kill had always left him feeling, well, off in ways he’d never understood. Sad, even though at the time he had no idea what that feeling was. And his hope that, for once, when he’d done what they wanted, that they wouldn’t hurt him. They’d always crushed it every time.

But this time… he wasn’t being hurt for it. He was being taken care of.

It didn’t stop him from feeling like he’d done something wrong though. Part of him expecting a punishment from Steve for make such a mess of it. They’d always stressed to keep it as clean as possible, less blood the better. Be quick and efficient. But they had hated this one, just like the other one and hadn’t been. Had left a mess the red-headed woman who seemed to be Bucky’s friend, had helped them clean up.

_I’ll take care of the rest.._ She’d said at one point. _Go home._

She didn’t have magic hands like the other one, but she seemed nice too. Bucky trusted her, and if he did so did the Soldier inside him. And they had gone home, but Bucky was having difficulty now and had gone away for a little bit. And the Soldier himself was feeling the effects of that too.

“We made a mess.” He told Steve, pressing his face into his shoulder. “We’re sorry.”

He felt lips press to his head. Soft ones that always made him feel safe. And knew no punishment was coming. “It’s okay.” He heard Steve say, his voice muffled by the water and the skin his lips were pressed again. “That doesn’t matter.” 

The Soldier closed his eyes, folding his arms up between them to allow himself to be held closer and allowed to relax and feel safe again.

\--

_He’ll come back Steve.._ Natasha had told him earlier when he’d started to panic a little. _You have to trust him. _

And Steve had adhered to that, and to Bucky’s wish that he didn’t follow him wherever he went as well. He’d trusted him, and Nat had been right, he did come back. But the Bucky that had come back had been different than the one that had left, and he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with him this time.

The four days they’d been home everyone had been on lockdown, including them. Natasha had elected to stay with them while everyone holed up at the compound. Just for added protection and moral support. And she and Bucky had conferred a bit more, seemingly having bonded over something. And while Steve didn’t feel put out by this, it did make him wonder what they’d talk about. Because Bucky really wasn’t talking to him right now. Even when his head wasn’t absolutely killing him.

Steve had had some hope that he’d settled down a bit mentally when he started painting again. Which had always been good for Bucky in the rough times, helping him get those feelings out in a healthy expressive way. Although after he’d have to curl up with Steve and Arya, with an ice-pack on his head until the pain gave him a break. Shuri had said those headaches would last at least a week and she hadn’t been wrong on that.

But when he’d come downstairs earlier, dressed in the dark clothes, there was a slightly different set to his eyes. If he was in pain, he didn’t give any indication just walked in looking focused. A little too focused for Steve’s comfort.

“I gotta go out.” He told Steve, holding his gaze with what looked like a lot of effort. “And don’t ask me why.. or where okay?”

Steve had gotten up out of his chair at that moment and put his hands on his face. “Is everything alright?”

He watched Bucky bite his lip softly as if trying to contain himself. “It will be.”

And then he’d just put his hands on Steve’s and kissed in such a way that it felt like he was concerned he might not get to again. There just something so desperate in it and it caused Steve to put his hand in that brown hair and grip it tightly, not really wanting to let him go right away. After the last week or so he’d been reluctant to let him out of his sight at all, and the idea of letting him leave like this without telling him where he going just days after leaving the hospital was difficult. Damn near impossible.

“I love you.” He said softly as their lips finally parted. “Just remember that okay?”

Bucky’s eyes seemed to sparkle a little at that as if he was blinking back emotion. “I love you too punk.”

That goodbye had only bene hours ago. And he’d returned covered in blood and looking shell-shocked. I _took care of it_ he’d said in a deadpan voice _It’s over…_ And the Soldier telling him _we killed the rhyming man_ later on was just a confirmation of this. But what had happened leading up to that is what had terrified Steve even now, even after checking him over and over again to make sure he wasn’t hurt. And he wasn’t. At least not physically.

Unlike the last time he’d had a confrontation like this, the damage wasn’t visible on the surface.

Bucky reverted rather quickly to his Soldier persona, as if unable to, at the moment at least, deal with any of it. The Soldier for his part seemed more clingy than usual as if almost afraid he’d done something wrong and Steve wanted nothing more than to assure him that he hadn’t. So after he pulled him out of the shower, both their skins red and raw from the hot water, he took his time drying him off as gently as possible.

“Whatever happened I’m not mad.” He told him, putting a hand on his face. “At you or Bucky, I’m just glad you’re okay that’s all.” He looked in his eyes, seeing a myriad of emotions seem to cross them. “That he didn’t hurt you.”

He reached over and found the sweatpants and t-shirt he’d put aside for him, discarding the bloody clothes he’d been wearing, and helped him into them. The Soldier seemed to let him do this almost docily as if being dressed by others was something he was used to. And Steve knew he had been, Bucky had said as much a few times. And that always had pissed him off to think of. But he got satisfaction from something Bucky had told him once about that as well.

_I’d hiss a warning and if they’d got too close to certain places and well… lets just say some bones got broken.._ He said once, almost matter of factly. _After the Colonel no one touched me like that again._

He let his hand trail down for a moment and found the wedding on the tags. With the Soldier watching, he lifted them off for a brief second, undoing them to take the ring off before putting them back on. And then picked up the metal hand, putting it back on. The symbolism of this gesture wasn’t lost on him. It was a show of acceptance once again. Truly needing him to understand that nothing had changed.

“Bucky didn’t want to get blood on it.” The Soldier explained, looking at him with wide eyes.

“I know.” Steve told him softly, letting their fingers entwined together. “But you’re clean now.”

The Soldier smiled at this, a sweet one that made Steve’s heart flutter a little. “Steve made us clean.”

He couldn’t resist and gave him another kiss, as if to seal the deal again, their fingers still entwined at their sides. He let his other hand cup his face, holding his chin as their lips lingered together. He felt a desire, a need to make him feel loved tonight, to take care of him in every way possible. Whatever he wanted or needed he was going to give to him.

“Now how about we go to bed?” He suggested as he pulled back reluctantly. “And if you wanna talk you can.. if not you don’t have to.” He looked into his eyes deeply at that. . “I’m good either way.”

The Soldier put his arms around Steve’s neck and seemed to lean into him, indicating he wanted to be carried, and Steve was perfectly fine with that too. Until Bucky was past all this, he could lean on him all he wanted.

So he lifted him up into his arms, getting a firm grip on his bottom as he did. Bucky had some weight from being at the hospital and all, but he wasn’t light, but nowhere too heavy for Steve. And both he and Soldier loved being carried. A cute little kink he supposed.

He didn’t want to talk, just seemed to want to be kissed and touched, his metal fingers in Steve’s hair, gripping it and just urging this. Some shifting around and he was straddling Steve’s hips, just looking down at him with those slightly troubled eyes. Steve reached up and pushed some hair out of his face before getting a soft hold of it, letting his other hand just run up and down his back, occasionally pulling up the t-shirt as he did.

“Where’s Bucky?” He asked finally. “Is he okay?”

“Went away.” The Soldier answered, trailing his fingers over Steve’s arm. “Never liked killing.” 

Steve rubbed his back a little more, and let his fingers slip slightly under the waistband of the sweatpants. “Did it bother you?” He asked as carefully as possibly. “When you did.”

The Soldier seemed to think for a moment on this. “Was just a mission. Had to get it done.” He answered, metal fingers tracing the neckline of Steve’s shirt. “Didn’t know it was.. wrong?”

“You know now.” Steve said to him, fingers combing his hair a little. “How do you feel about it now?”

“We feel…. Bad?” The Soldier told him, looking at him as if wondering if he got the right word there. “Like we felt when they hurt us.” He flicked his eyes back up to Steve’s. “Sticky like we need to be… washed.”

Steve thought he was grasping these feelings a lot better now, describing them the best way he could. It was simpler, less complicate. Bucky had trouble expressing those feelings and he knew the words to use. Steve supposed it was the simpler way of thinking, the more honest way that made it easier for the Soldier to express these painful things than it was for Bucky. And in a way it was speaking for both of them.

“I’ll never make you feel like that again I promise.” He told him, the hand under his sweatpants rubbing softly now. “Never.”

“We don’t feel that way with Steve.” The Soldier replied, his hands pushing under Steve’s shirt as he leaned closer. “He makes us feel good.”

He let his hand move further in so he could slide a couple of fingers into him, which caused the Soldier to moan softly as he ben over, pushing Steve’s shirt nearly up to his shoulders as he did. Their lips meeting in a deeper, more passionate kiss. Steve’s other hand gripped his hair, letting go of all the worry and tension from earlier in his need to lose himself in him. They hadn’t exactly been as intimate as they normally were lately. For a variety of reasons and the need was there now in spite of the situation that just happened. The one whose details he wasn’t aware of yet.

Stroking him internally, opening him up more as he did, he let his hand also push down the sweatpants so the Soldier could easily wiggle out of them. And felt those hands, one metal, one flesh, pull his own off before he was straddled again

“We want Steve… inside us..” The Soldier breathed, now bracing his hands on Steve’s chest, gripping the shirt he was still wearing tightly. “Need him… please…”

Steve growled softly, losing all sense of decorum at the feel of that body griding against his expectantly. He pulled his fingers out of him and gripped his hips, pulling him down onto him with a grunt of satisfaction at feel of being encased in that heat again. It felt like a long time. A lifetime in a week’s time.

“We love our Steve..” The Solider moaned, hands tightly gripping Steve’s shirt as he began to ride him. “Yes we do…”

Keeping one arm wrapped around his back, Steve reached up and embedded his fingers in his hair, feeling strands of it around his fingers as he did. Looking up into those blue eyes and thinking of how worried, how terrified he’d been when he’d been gone. And when he came home covered in blood, expecting to find a wound like last time. To see bruises on his neck or anywhere else. How this feeling translated into a need to not only take care of him but to reclaim him and reaffirm that no matter what happened, no matter what he’d done, that he still loved and wanted him. And that thought drove him now, causing him to push up hard into him, even as his Soldier, his Bucky, met every one of those with matched enthusiasm.

“I … love you.. too..” He groaned, pulling himself up by the sheer strength of his body. “My Soldier… My Bucky..” He gripped his hair tighter and kissed him hard. “Mine…”

He didn’t care. Didn’t give a damn what had happened as long as he wasn’t hurt. As long as he’d be okay and he knew he would in time. He could accept him, every part of him, even the parts that might’ve scared others. Might’ve scared Bucky himself. And dep down hoped that acceptance would be enough to pull him through this.

So they made love with sweet ferocity, making sure that not only the Soldier felt it, but Bucky too, wherever he was in his own head right now.

\--

In the middle of it all, the Soldier was flipped grandly onto his back and did mind this at all. It just meant Steve was going to go harder into him. Was going to, as Bucky put it ‘fuck the shit out of him’. The Soldier liked it when Steve did this, had no fear of it at all.

Not even when his hands were pulled over his head and wrapped around the posts of the bed. It was nothing like when the other had restrained him and hurt him. This was so different. He was actually more excited when this happened, wrapping his legs around Steve’s hips and pushing back into it. He was greedy for it, wanting more and more. And wanting Bucky to feel it too. To feel the complete acceptance the way he did now.

He reached out for Bucky again, sending this beautiful feeling out to him unselfishly.

Bucky could feel it, could feel the intensity of it even where he had retreated to. Could feel the intensity of the orgasms that rolled over him in succession and let his voice join the Soldiers in cries and even screams of pleasure. Felt his hands gripping the headboard so tight they hurt. Felt Steve’s lips on his neck, biting down and making a sweet mark as he did. Could feel him cum as well, pushing deep into him as he did.

Waking up during this was always surreal, but so sweet as well. Like a beautiful dream. His arms no longer had any strength in them, falling off onto the pillow as he was kissed deeply, only able to whine softly into it. His legs, feeling somewhat numb, slid down themselves, feet softly hitting the bed next to Steve’s thighs as they did.

The pain would come rushing back soon he knew. The memory of it all. But for now, he wanted to hold onto this peaceful feeling, finding some strength to lift his metal arm and slide into Steve’s hair, as their lips finally parted and the latter buried his face into Bucky’s neck, sweetly nuzzling it.

“Steve… He gasped weakly as they lay there like that. “I…I..”

“Sssh..” Steve murmured into his neck. “It’s okay.”

The memory was coming back. The flash of the knife. The color of the spraying blood in the moonlight. The sickening sound a body made when it hit the ground. Right at his feet. That dark emptiness that had threatened to engulf him.

_How does it feel to die?_ He’d asked before the body fell, voice dripping with malice. _Because that’s what I felt like every day I was there.._

Bucky felt the tears squeeze out of his eyes and found the strength to wrap both his arms around Steve and hug him tightly, burying his own face in his neck. His fingers dug into his back, clutching him tight. And he felt one of those strong hands in his hair, cradling his head, holding him just as tight, but gently as well.

“Whatever you did it’s okay.” He heard Steve whispered in his ear. “I still love you.” The other arm wrapped more around him, lifting him a little. “I’ll always love you.”

He squeezed eyes shut, feeling himself in that deep sinking feeling of not deserving that at all. He felt like a monster for how easily he’d been able to slied back into the mode that had allowed him to kill so efficiently. Thinking that there was no way Steve could love him like that if he’d been there to see that. Even though a part of him had realized that Steve had already seen him at his worst and took him back anyways. The depression he was feeling now that the numbness had worn off, was clouding his rational thought.

He was shaking as he lay there under him, his legs bent on either side of him. He felt Steve lift himself up on his elbows and then his hands were on Bucky’s face, gently brushing his hair and face as if to comfort him. He still couldn’t, for the moment, open his eyes, feeling like if he did, he’d just break down and confess what he’d done. And he didn’t want to do that. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“Sometimes I wonder how you can.” He said quietly, dropping his arms to his side. “How do you love a monster like me? How?”

He was answered with a soft kiss. And once their lips parted, Steve rose up more on one arm and gently turned him onto his stomach, which Bucky did not resist. He didn’t have the damn energy to. He could feel the shirt he’d still been wearing pulled up gently over his head and then those lips were on his neck and shoulders, nuzzling the scar tissue on his back. Strong, yet gently hands moved over his waist and hips, kneading softly, causing Bucky to moan involuntarily and bury his face in the pillow.

“Because that monster is a part of you too.” Steve said in his ear, his chest against Bucky’s now bare back. “And I love every part of you..” His voice became muffled as he buried his face back into his shoulder. “Even if you don’t.”

There was a sense of mixed feelings that Steve was acknowledging that part of him existed. But what overrode any despair he might’ve felt was the absolute acceptance that he now felt. He understood why the Soldier had pulled him back. Because that part of him felt it. He wasn’t going to try and fix him. He was accepting him as he was, whatever that was at any given time.

And with Steve’s chest pressed against his back, he never felt more love or acceptance than he did just then. He wanted him to take him again, exactly like this, to dominate yet again and show his love, and he pressed his body back into Steve’s to emphasize this point, a soft whine coming out of him as he did. A whine laced with desire.

But he had something to say first. Felt a need to clarify something important.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He told Steve as he was pressed against in response, ever so close to being invaded again. “I can’t.”

Steve lips were in his ear again, hot breath on his neck. “I understand.”

“I may… never talk about it.” He clarified even more, the breathiness coming into his voice again. “Is that okay?”

“It’s perfectly fine Buck.” Steve whispered in his ear, hands on his hips now. “Just don’t shut me out that’s all.”

He couldn’t do that anymore. He was incapable of it now. His latest bout with death and the aftermath had left him so vulnerable he wasn’t sure if he’d ever have the strength or willingness to put up any barriers ever again. They’d been smashed all to pieces lately. It would take awhile before he could put himself back together again fully. Amelia had told him in their recent conference call that this was a normal progression.

_Sometimes you just have to tear it all down so you can build yourself back up again.._ She’d told him. _And when you do, you’ll be even stronger than you were before._

That day would come he knew but right now he wasn’t and that was okay. He lifted himself against Steve, the physical strength of his own body lifting them both up a little. He wanted more and didn’t care that he was already feeling sore, he knew he’d be taken care of after. They had a little catching up to do after all.

“Please..” He asked, letting the beg creep into his voice. “Again..”

“Whatever you want sweetheart.” Steve breathed in his ear. “Whatever you want..”

Bucky felt his hips gripped tightly and he was entered again, filled deeply with his Steve, causing his eyes to roll back. He let his legs slide apart to accommodate him even more, and gripped the sheets under his hands in response. It was in these moments when he felt the most himself and embraced it.

“Fuck me Stevie…” He purred just as Steve started moving against him. “Fuck me good..”

And he did. Fucking him very good in fact. So good he very nearly passed out near the end, his face against the pillow and his heart bursting with love for his beautiful punk. Knowing he’d been hella sore once the feeling came back below but not caring in the slightest. Expressing himself in throaty, ragged moans he was sure half the world could hear. He just… needed this so much. Wanting to just be fucked until he forgot what he’d done earlier. And was grateful that Steve obliged him.

Gritting his teeth he lifted himself a little, pushing back as he was pushed into, loving the way Steve growled in his ear so possessively. Recalling feverishly how Steve had always been that way too. Even when he was smaller, had climbed on him and growled, always claiming what was his when they were alone. And Bucky had been his. Always been his and always would be. No had had or could love him like Steve Rogers did. Had seen the worst in him and still loved him.

He came again as his neck was bit down on and fell face first into the pillow with Steve’s body on top of his, and smiled as he felt him cum too. The feeling of possessed and claimed yet again calmed his heart and aching mind.

Steve wasted no time taking care of him either, gently pulling out and immediately sliding down to use his lips and tongue on him as well. Bucky literally lifted his hindquarters off the bed, wanting Steve to get in there good on him, whining yet again like hungry animal as he did. And Steve responded to this in kind, devouring him hungrily as Bucky gripped the sheets hard like before, making unrecognizable noises as he did.

He was not ashamed to say he fell asleep in the middle of that, purring like a contented kitten, his face sinking into the soft pillow like it was a heavenly cloud. He was only vaguely aware of being pulled into a pair of strong, loving arms and wrapped up tight, feeling warm all over and not thinking about anything but that feeling.

He knew that when he woke up from a nightmare later those arms would still be around him and would protect him from it until he could protect himself again. Right now he was more than happy to be taken care of and was. All night long. .

\--

There was a time when he’d have been concerned about being too hard on him, but not now. It was what Bucky had wanted and needed tonight, just feel right. So he’d given him everything and let himself go as well yet again. It was cathartic for them both he would realize much later. 

He’d shown him that he still loved him, still wanted him. Accepted him as he was. He’d meant what he said when he loved the monster too. Loved the parts of Bucky he was afraid of. Would always love and accept him.

He was his love, his life and he was more than happy to claim again and make it perfectly clear.

Steve watched him sleep for a while, trailing a hand over his back as he did. Bucky had curled up in his arms under the covers, almost invisible outside of them, except for the top of his head. He could feel Bucky’s hair tickling his chest as he moved occasionally, if only to cuddle closer to him. Arya had joined them, sleeping on their feet and it felt good to at least be back to somewhat normal again.

It wasn’t completely though. Bucky was a bit of mess mentally in spite of their earlier relations.

Steve had an inkling, an idea that had come to fruition since they’d been home. He hadn’t told Bucky about it any more than Bucky had informed him of his plans regarding the recently departed agent. But the fact that he’d put it into motion at the same time had made it timely as well. Because, once again, Bucky needed a lot time and some serious space to heal, and Steve had every intention that, like before after the Colonel, he got it.

He’d made the purchase the other day, while Bucky was busy painting and with their ample funds and status it was surprisingly easy to do. And he knew Bucky would love it, especially the location, because the place meant a lot to him. To both of them actually.

Steve would surprise him with it tomorrow. After he’d made sure Bucky was somewhat okay that was. If he wasn’t going to talk to him about what had happened, he hoped that he would at least talk to someone like Amelia. Or Natasha. Sam. Wanda. Anyone. As long as he wasn’t holding things in and shutting people out, Steve could live with that. And maybe someday he would open up about it. Or maybe he wouldn’t. And this acceptance had freed Steve in a way he hadn’t expected. Unburdened him in a sense.

As he didn’t shut him out emotionally, he didn’t have to tell him anything he didn’t want to.

The sight of the blood on him had been upsetting and disturbing but he wasn’t injured, he would recover and get stronger again. The smile would return, along with the sass. He would bloom in a whole new way and Steve honestly couldn’t wait. Every transformation Bucky had made was a beautiful sight to him, of survival and recovery.

Right now, he would just be patient with him and let him go at his own pace.

He reached up and brushed his hair with his hand, smoothing it away from his sleeping face. Knowing there would inevitably be a nightmare of some sort. His mind was too traumatized and restless to allow for a completely peaceful sleep. And he wasn’t wrong on that. Feeling Bucky’s body tense against him, his flesh hand clutch at his shirt as he whimpered in his sleep.

“I’m here.” He whispered into his hair. “I got you.”

Bucky shook and whimpered a little more, curling up more in his arms. It always amazed Steve that even though he was not a small person he could make himself so when he sought comfort. He could feel his hair tickling his neck as his face burrowed into it and Steve just stroked it until the shaking calmed.

“I didn’t shoot him.” He heard Bucky say into his neck. “I cut his throat..” He gripped Steve’s shirt even tighter. “Exactly the way they taught me to.”

Steve nodded as he held him close, feeling the minute tremble return. “You did what you had to do.” He assured him. “It’s alright.”

“But did I?” Bucky asked pointedly. “Did I have to? Or did I just… give it to it?”

He nuzzled Bucky’s hair with his face. “Give in to what?”

“The darkness.” Bucky answered, tucking his feet in between Steve’s. “Because I feel it around me now.”

Stee decided at that moment he might just tell him what he’d been working on. The sooner the better actually. Bucky badly needed some real peace and quiet. To make more memories and restore that light back into his heart fully again.

“It’s not gonna last Buck.” He told him, tipping his chin. “I’m gonna make sure of it.”

Bucky’s teal-blue eyes looked unsure as he met Steve’s. “How are you gonna do that?”

“We’re gonna go away for a little bit that’s how.” He explained, holding his gaze. “We can leave tomorrow.. you me and Arya.”

“Where?” Bucky asked, and Steve saw some curiosity seeping into his eyes.

“Well that’s a bit of a surprise jerk.” He told him, kissing his head softly. “You’ll see.”

Bucky sort of gave him a studious look then. “For how long?”

“As long as you need.” He said softly, wrapping his hand around Bucky’s head. “We’ve got the rest of our lives after all.”

He wasn’t kidding, he was fully planning on staying there until Bucky was okay again. Until he healed from this. Steve didn’t care how long that took. This place would be a home away from home for them, it would have everything they needed for as long as they needed it.

Bucky seemed to bury his face back into Steve’s neck at that statement. “You’re too damn good to me punk.” He sighed, wrapping his metal arm back around him. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Stop saying that right now.” Steve admonished, wrapping him up tight. “Cause you do… you deserve everything Buck… don’t even argue with me.”

“Whatcha gonna do if I do?” Bucky asked, with a welcome hint of sass. “Spank me… cause I kinda like that.”

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle at that. In some ways he knew it was just how Bucky covered and coped but he liked hearing the hints of his old self in his voice. So he gave he gave his ass a soft pat and tickle, causing him to wiggle a little under the blanket and nuzzle Steve’s cutely.

“Maybe..” He teased back as patted him a little more. “When you’re feeling a bit better.”

Bucky lifted his head and rested on Steve’s chest. “I dunno punk I feel fine right now.”

Steve just kissed his head at that. “Calm down jerk. “He admonished. “We’ll have plenty of time for that soon.”

“You’re such a fuckin’ tease Rogers.” Bucky lamented, cuddling up next to him again.

“Go back to sleep.” He said softly, wrapping him under the blanket. “We got a busy day coming up.”

The love of his life gave him a cute salute. “Aye Aye Mon Capitan..”

Steve was surprised Bucky wasn’t fighting him on it tonight. Normally when he was told to go to sleep, he protested but not now. He supposed he was too tired and or too emotionally drained for it. Truth be told he missed that bit of fight in him though. Sort of longed for the day when he would argue forever to the point of annoyance. He knew that would come back to eventually.

He also had an idea about the next day too, because he had to make a few arrangements before they left. Thinking he’d give Bucky someone he might actually talk to about what happened. Someone that understood where he was coming from. Steve knew exactly who that would be too.

“I got few things to do at the compound before we go.” He told him, playing with his hair. “I can ask Nat to come over and help you pack if that’s okay?”

Bucky looked up at him, already looking sleepy again. “Are you sure its not just to… you know… keep an eye on me though?”

It was partly but not the main reason, which he wanted to make clear. “It’s a not a babysitter… just figured you wouldn’t mind someone to talk to is all.”

He could see some understanding in Bucky’s eyes at this. “Sure.” He answered, laying his head back down. “I could use some help tomorrow I guess.”

Once again, not just talking packing Steve knew. Speaking in code with each other almost. Turning on his side he pulled Bucky closer so he could hold him better, Bucky lifting his head to press his face against Steve’s as he did.

“Okay then.” Steve replied, watching Bucky’s eyes flutter closed. “I call her when I get up.”

He could see him smile then as he started to fall asleep. “Thanks punk.”

“For what?”

“For just… being you.” Bucky said his voice slurring with sleep. “That’s all.”

He seemed to go back to sleep after that, tucking his head under Steve’s chin, his arms folded between them to allow for maximum cocooning. Which Steve was happy to do. Was happy to protect him, even from himself. He buried his face in that soft brown hair and closed his own eyes. And soon they were both asleep just like that, with a purring cat at their feet.

\--

Bucky was sore when he woke up, very sore in what he considered to be a good way. One that made him not want to get out of bed yet. Because getting out of bed would make him face the reality that he was still pulling away from a bit even now.

Steve had gotten up and was making breakfast. Smelled like eggs and French Toast. Which Steve always added cinnamon to when he made it. It caused Bucky to smile a little. Steve was too good to him.

He felt a a little furry body laying curled up around his am and opened his eyes to see his little girl laying next to him, happily purring away. He pulled his flesh arm out from under his head and began to pet her, not moving the metal one which she was laying on. This caused her purr to increase. There was such a… sense of normalcy about this he could almost pretend the situation was normal too.

An image of cutting the Agent’s throat filled his head, making him squeeze his eyes shut, wanting to pull his hand away from the tiny little creature laying next to him. Who had no idea she was laying next to a brutal killer.

_I don’t know if you have it in you anymore.._ he heard that voice say to him in his memory. _You’ve become soft Soldat…_

But he still did didn’t he? It had been pretty effortless, like he hand remembered exactly how to do it after all these years. But a part of him was questioning that if he was, in fact not much different than the man he’d just killed, why did he feel like this now? As the Agent had said _the difference between you and me is… I don’t feel bad about it.._

That was true. But he just couldn’t let himself consider it too much. He wanted to punish himself. Which was, he would realize later, exactly what that other had intended really. It was his way of continuing to torture him even now.

“Hey Darlin’.” He said to the little cat, who looked up at him with her big green eyes. “Why ain’t you afraid of me?”

Arya rolled over and exposed her belly as if she understood what he was getting at. It was a vulnerable position that would’ve allowed her to be hurt easily, but he’d never hurt her. And they both knew it. He lifted his metal hand, which had wielded the knife the night before and gently petted her with it, hearing her purr louder at this. He scratched her chin and smiled softly, thinking people were right, pets were just.. good for you.

“You hungry?” He heard Steve’s voice say as the smell of the food got closer. “Figured I’d feed you before I took for a few hours.”

Bucky sat up a little, effortlessly scooping Arya onto his metal arm as he did. “Sure am punk.” He answered. “Smells good.”

It tasted good too per usual, and Bucky found he was starving. Hadn’t eaten much of anything the day before. Ever since he’d gotten the phone call that was. He watched Steve feed Arya little scraps of bacon, which Bucky could tolerate the smell of better but still couldn’t eat. But when it came to every other breakfast food, he was a fan, devouring it and downing the juice and coffee Steve had gotten him as well. He felt Steve brush his hair back and looked over his glass of juice at him.

“How are you doing today?” He asked, his blue eyes registering concern. “You feel alright?”

Bucky swallowed his juice and thought about how to answer that. Physically, at least for the moment, he felt fine. Except for being a bit sore in the nether regions that was. For once nothing else was physically bothering him he realized. His mind on the other hand wasn’t fine. The overall shock was finally starting to wear off and the memory starting to fall back in. Knowing he had to be honest with him. Completely honest.

“Well I am a little sore.” He told him with a cute smile. “But nothing else hurts at least.” He bit his lip then, getting serious now. “Not so good in the head though unfortunately. “

Steve nodded. “Yeah I can tell.”

There was something else he wanted to say though. Something that had been on his mind since their interlude in the middle of some seriously cathartic sex. “When I told you I couldn’t talk about it you… you didn’t push me.” He said, continuing to chew on his lip a little. “You weren’t even mad..”

“As long as you’re talking to someone Bucky.” Steve answered, brushing his hair back again gently. “You don’t have to tell me… I get it now.”

There was something in that, that just like last night, made him feel relieved. That Steve understood why he couldn’t talk to him about certain things. It was like they’d finally reached an understanding of sorts on this.

“I always want to be honest with you though.” He continued. “Even if I can’t tell you certain things.” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and put his juice cup down. “I don’t want to hide… how I feel.”

He felt Steve’s hands on his face, and then his lips on his head. “So how do you feel right now?” 

“Like I really don’t deserve any of this.” He answered honestly and added. “And I know what you’re gonna say but please.. just let me feel it.” He gave him a sort of half smile. “I’ll get over it don’t worry.”

Steve wrapped his hand around his head and kissed it again. “You better jerk.” He was told. “Cause I can’t keep my mouth shut on that for too long.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less punk.” Bucky sassed back. “In fact I’d worry if you didn’t talk my ear off.”

Steve just raised and eyebrow at him and then kissed him again, on the lips this time, hand sort of loosely gripping his hair as he did. He could taste bacon and cinnamon as he did, and this sense of normalcy was counteracting his doubts on his worthiness as a husband right now. It was a warring faction in his head he would probably always have to deal with this he supposed. He would always see Steve as better than himself in that way. He would be a work in progress.

“As much as I hate to..“ Steve then said regretfully as he pulled back from what was a delicious kiss. “I gotta go.” He brushed Bucky’s hair again with his hand before sitting back. “Nat will be here in a little bit to help you pack and… anything else you might need.”

The implication of that was clear to Bucky still. He knew when Steve had suggested it wasn’t about being babysat as much as it was moral support. Natasha was someone he could talk to about this if he chose to. And she wouldn’t push him either way. It was interesting how each of his friends seemed to have almost a different purpose in his life. Could help him with different things. The commonality they all had though was they cared about him, something he’d learned to embrace and accept over the years.

“Suppose I should get dressed then.” He mused, thinking he was less dressed than he was until he looked under the covers. “Or maybe not.”

He was wearing his sweatpants again which he did not remember putting on last night after they’d gone a few rounds. The solution to that mystery was obvious and he looked at Steve questioningly for a moment and just saw him smile at him cutely while finishing his own coffee.

“You kinda fell asleep Sergeant.” He confirmed. “In case you were wondering.”

Bucky felt a real saucy smile cross his lips at this. “It’s still pretty low ratio punk.” He noted, lifting Arya up to toss the blanket back. “The amounts of times you put them on as opposed to taking them off I mean.” He did the unbalanced scale thing. “It’s like 20 to 1 in favor of the latter.” 

Steve stood up and leaned over him, before lifting his chin to look in his eyes. “Well that’s because taking them off is more fun boo bear.”

Bucky let his eyes get that look, the one he knew drove Steve crazy and then just grabbed his shirt to kiss him one more time, very teasingly, letting his tongue play around a little as he did. Which in turn caused his hair to be gripped a little tighter. And for a moment Bucky thought Steve just might scrap his plans to leave him. A part of him hoped he would. Even though another part of him knew he was just trying to avoid dealing with.. things.

“Hold that thought.” Steve whispered to him as he pulled away. “Well have plenty of time for that where we’re going.”

Bucky let go of his shirt and sat back, folding his arms as he did. “Still not gonna tell me where huh?”

“Nope.” Steve answered, kissing his nose, causing Bucky to wrinkle it. “You’re just gonna have to patient my love.”

“You know that something I ain’t fucking good at..” He threw back at Steve and gave him a look. “And don’t you say it punk..”

“I love you too jerk.” Steve just replied instead of saying that other annoying word he often did when Bucky swore. Which he did a lot. “I won’t be too long.”

Once Steve had left him and Bucky had gotten to clean up, he pulled out some bags and sort of enjoyed the little bit of free time he had. Using his phone, he turned on the music in the bedroom. The system was connected to several rooms and he could move to each room as he saw fit or put it on everywhere. Since he was in the bedroom there was no reason to put it on anywhere else. And he was just in the mood for something relaxing, so he chose the Celtic playlist he had and let it do just that.

Arya seemed to scamper around, curious as what he was doing. “Don’t you worry little darlin’.” He assured her. “You’re coming with us.. wherever Daddy Steve is taking us that is.”

He was curious about where and how long, but as usual trusted Steve on it. Knowing being away for a while was good for him. Good for both of them, even though a part of him thought, in a punishing way, that he was running away from it all. Amelia always told him otherwise. Telling him the only running you do in in your head, the rest is just geography.

It wasn’t long before he got the notification that someone was there. Natasha had her own key to their house, so he didn’t have to got and let her in. But the notification thing was good idea considering his particular issues and all. And Nat, like Wanda and then rest, knew better than to sneak up on him. So he wasn’t shocked to see her pop her head in the room, even though he did not hear her on the stairs. She was pretty quiet, just lie him. They had both been trained that way and they both still operated that way even they weren’t always aware of it.

“Hey there.” She offered as she came and was greeted by Arya. Who seemed like anyone who was welcome in the house. “How’s it going?”

He could tell by how she asked it was a double layered question. Nat had come in towards the end the night before and hadn’t seen all of it, but she’d seen enough. And could probably tell by his pinched face that it was plaguing him badly. He hadn’t wanted Steve to see that this morning. He’d seen enough last night that was for damn certain.

Motioning for her sit down on the floor with him, he watched as she did just that, scooping the cat into her lap as she did. “It’s not great.” He admitted, looking down at the shirt he was folding. “And… I couldn’t and… can’t tell him.”

“Well I’m here if you want to talk.” She said casually, and picked up some of the clothes Bucky had scattered around him. “Or I can just… keep you company if you don’t.”

Once again, he knew she understood what he was dealing with. Could see her green eyes studying him even as she expertly folded a shirt without even looking at it. He remembered the wind in his hair and the shock in his head as she’d put her hand on his shoulder out there last night.

_I’ll take care of the rest.._ she’d told him then. _Go home.._

“Steve probably thinks I did it to protect us and he’s partially right.” He started, looking up at her. “But it wasn’t the main one..” He bit his lip, his eyes getting far away. “I killed him because..” 

Nat looked at him steadily. “Because of what?”

“Because I wanted it to be over once and for all.” He answered simply. “And it wouldn’t be until he was gone.” He looked up at her steadily then. “He was the last ghost in my head.”

“So tell me about it.” She asked gently. “So you can exorcise him.”

He knew he needed to. To unburden the rest to her so he could move on fully. Free himself and get that piece of shit out of his head. So that’s what he did.

\--

“So how’d it go down?” Sam asked as they sat at the table. Their group minus Natasha that was.

Steve wasn’t sure how to answer that exactly. At least honestly. Because he didn’t know. But he knew had to be as honest as he could so their friends would at least understand that they were not only safe now, but that Bucky had paid an emotional price for it as a result.

“I don’t know the details on it.” He admitted, playing with a pen on the table. “He’s not exactly forthcoming about it right now.”

He saw Wanda’s face pinch a bit as he talked. “Is he okay?”

“No but he will be.” Steve told her reassuringly. “He just needs some time that’s all.”

“Assholes dead that’s all that matters to me.” Tony added, turning in his chair and seeing Steve’s look at that softened a bit. “It’s gonna go as self-defense no matter how it got done.. he’ll be protected I promise.”

Steve nodded, grateful for that at least. Bucky would face no consequences for it. Except for the ones in his own head that was. They would circle the wagons because he was one of their own now.

“Was he physically hurt at all?” Pam asked, present as well because she’d been staying there. “Should I go check him out before you go?”

Steve shook his head. “Doesn’t seem to be.” He told her. “Guy didn’t even get a shot in on him from what I could tell except maybe in his head.”

He knew he didn’t have to elaborate on that one too much. And didn’t want to. Unless Bucky wanted to talk about his mental state it was his business right now. And their friends always understood that part of it. Always gave him the space to talk when and if he wanted to.

Further details had to be ironed out, and during this Wanda insisted that she was going to see Bucky before they left. Steve knew it was pointless to argue with her on this too. She’d come by whether they agreed or not. Once he was done with a few more details, Sam pulled him aside and asked him a few pointed questions.

“So how is he really? He asked. “And how are you?”

Steve sighed and put his hands on his hips. “He came home covered in blood last night and.. he won’t talk.” He told Sam as honestly as possible. “And he’s probably not going to, at least not to me and I told him I’m okay with that.”

“Are you though?”

He searched himself a little. “Yeah I am.” He answered after a moment. “I told him as long as he talks to someone about it it’s alright. And that I accept him no matter what.” He shook his head. “Not sure he believe me on that though.”

“He’s kinda stubborn like that.” Sam mused. “You just keep telling him that and it’ll penetrate that hard head eventually.”

“Yeah I know.” Steve answered, shaking his head a little. “It’s taken years just to get him this far.”

“And to get you that far too.” Sam countered. “He’s not the only one that needs to get past himself sometimes.”

Steve knew exactly what Sam had been talking about. His own stubbornness hadn’t helped sometimes. Remembering early on how Sam had told him to patient with Bucky, and he hadn’t always been. Patience had been something he’d never been good at either. It had caused more than a few misunderstandings and several arguments as a result. Sam had known Steve pretty well by now. Spent a lot of time around him and knew this evolution of patience had was quite a breakthrough.

“We’re both pretty stubborn.” He admitted. “It’s a Brooklyn thing I guess.”

“Hey man you don’t have to tell me that.” Sam said with a laugh. “Been dealing with you two idiots for a while now and got the scars to prove it.”

Steve just smiled at that, feeling grateful in so many ways for that. They’d all come a long way from where they’d started. Sam and Bucky had taken a long time to hit it off, to actually trust each other and Steve had known that it was more of Sam reaching out to help Bucky out, someone he had every reason to write and mistrust, and had decided on the higher road. And they both had been better off for it.

“So how long you two planning on being gone?” Sam then asked, pulling Steve out of his thoughts.

“I don’t know.” Steve answered honestly. “As long as he needs so it could be a while.”

“Well we’ll definitely have to come up and visit.” Sam said, looking over at Pam, who was checking her phone at the moment. “I know my wife will insist on it and she usually gets her way.”

Steve nodded knowing that was true. Pam was certainly dedicated to her patients. And Bucky was more than just to her he knew. After everything she’d seen him go through she was highly protective and adamant about his care as well. He had no doubt he’d see while they were up there.

As if on cue she came up to them, standing next to Sam. “If he needs anything at all, if his headaches get worse or anything else.” She told Steve, with that look in her eyes. “Call me.. and don’t let him talk you out of it.”

“Oh I will.” He assured her. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m his doctor.”.” She insisted. “It’s my job to worry.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Quit your yappin’ woman..” He teased her, draping an arm around her. “The Captain got this under control.”

For that he got a pinch. “What did I tell you about that phrase?”

“I’ll hear about this in the car the whole way home.” Sam told Steve, doing their handshake as he turned to leave. “See you soon Cap.”

“Definitely.” He called out to him. “If you survive the ride home that is.”

He said the rest of his goodbyes not long after, and with Wanda in tow he finally was able to leave, feeling a bit better about the situation in general. Bucky was and would be protected from any consequences he knew, even if he didn’t feel he deserved that protection. The fact that even Tony was willing to stick his neck out a bit and fudge an official report meant more to Steve than he could say. Tony had even mentioned that Natasha would back it up as well, having been there too. The role she’d played wasn’t clear and maybe never would be, except between her and Bucky. And increasingly, this was okay to Steve.

Right now however, it was time to go home and gather up Bucky and Arya. Time to take a breather and reassess. A nice reboot in a nice, quiet place.

“Whatever happened you two are gonna get through it.” Wanda said from the passenger seat as he drove home. “I know you will.”

He caught her eye and smiled softly at her. “I know we will.” He confirmed. “We’re gonna be okay.”

\--

_He’d remembered how clear the night was, that the moon was bright, even in a half-full state. And out in the country you could see all the stars. If he’d been out here on a pleasure excursion with Steve, or even by himself he’d have taken the time to appreciate it. But not tonight. _

_He’d ridden his bike out and here and sure enough his quarry had been waiting for him. Not even bothering to hide himself, sitting on a rock expectantly. Bucky pulled the bike over and parked it. Trying to figure out how the Agent had even gotten here. Not that it mattered. He wasn’t leaving. It would end right here. _

_“Well hello Soldat..” The man had said, looking up with those frightening eyes of his. “Thought you’d never get here… how was traffic.” _

_The Soldier inside Bucky snarled at the man’s use of that word. “Don’t call me that.” _

_“Oh pardon me I forgot.” The Agent apologized with a sarcastic look. “That was his pet name for you wasn’t it?” _

_He had been referring to the Colonel. It was a wheedle to use the name definitely. Meant to throw him off and it was almost successful because Bucky hated that name. It brought up memories of horrors he was still trying to put behind him. Memories of it being spoken in his ear as he was being violated passed through his mind, causing him to rub his wrist subconsciously as if he could still feel those cuffs digging into it._

_“What do you want?” He asked flatly, refusing to even react. “Get to the point.” _

_“Patience.” The man said and Bucky saw he was sharpening a knife on a small rock. “Let’s get re-acquainted.” He motioned to another rock. “Have a seat.” _

_“I’d rather stand.” Bucky replied, looking everywhere at the moment but at him. “If it’s all the same to you.” _

_“Works for me.” The other man said agreeably. “How you been feeling lately?” He smiled maliciously. “Those headaches must be a bitch.” _

_Bucky wasn’t surprised that he knew about the side-effects. The information wasn’t hard to dig up. And his head did hurt tonight too, but he’d damned if he’d let that show either. Knowing this monster wanted to eat up his suffering and pain. _

_“I’ve had worse.” He answered simply. “How long have you been stalking me?” _

_He was getting right to the point, he needed to know this. To know how far back it went. The masochistic part of him wanted to know how long he’d been dumb enough to let his guard down. But there was other information to be gleaned from it too. _

_“About a year or so.” The man answered in a matter of fact tone. “It wasn’t like it was complete secret where you were after you left that hospital. All I had to do was find Captain Rogers and I knew I find you.” He gave him an unreadable look for a moment and then added. “Too bad about your friend at the VA though.. I heard he killed himself, but they didn’t say how.” _

_Bucky was thrown off guard by this mention of Daniel, who he’d started a charity for at the VA in his name. This man bringing it up had unnerved him, automatically making his claws come out a bit. That sense of guilt and failure had never really left him, it had just gotten buried under other things. Even bigger things. _

_“None of your goddamn business how he died.” _

_“Was just asking no need to get testy.” The other man said serenely, the light breeze blowing his hair around a little. “How did that feel by the way? Did it remind you of your own attempts at it.. because I know you tried.. and likely more than once too.” _

_Bucky didn’t say anything. Didn’t answer, didn’t even blink. He didn’t care to think about that either. About the times he’d considered suicide and had actually tried it. Including that one time when Steve was there. Remembering that hurt a lot, especially how terrified and hurt Steve had been that he’d given up so easily. This bastard wanted to know how he’d felt the,n and Bucky was going to be damned if he would give him that satisfaction. _

_“How many times did you sit there with a knife in your hand and nearly do it?” He was asked musingly. “I don’t understand the thought process that goes into that really cause I’ve never really wanted to die.. I mean you’re going to anyway why hasten the process?” _

_Bucky tried to concentrate on the air around him, the sound of the breeze on the grass and the way the stars twinkled. Remembering telling Steve about the constellations once as they laid on the roof of their building as kids. He had been fascinated by science and Steve had ate it up as well. Those times on the roof had been so peaceful, away from the chaos of his home life sometimes. And they’d fallen in love up there over the steady course of time. _

_It gave Bucky some odd comfort to know those stars were still there even now. Some sense of symmetry._

_“I suppose the real question is what stopped you.” The Agent continued to muse, not put out by Bucky’s silence in the slightest. “What kept you living on all those years?” _

_Bucky just looked at him with hard eyes. “None of your goddamn business that’s what.” _

_“Suit yourself.” The man shrugged. “I’m just curious.. I never felt those things so I was hoping you’d explain it.” _

_“Then why do you even care?” Bucky asked him curiously himself. “If you can’t feel it what’s the point.” _

_The Agent shrugged and looked up at him. “I don’t’ know, just fascinated I guess.” He answered that same serene look serene. “I mean why pull the wings off of flies? To see how they… react.” _

_Bucky was starting to get it even more now. There was no agenda here. It wasn’t about any kind of revenge or anything. It was simple amusement and curiosity. He was the fly in a sense. The one whose wounds he could pick at and study. He’d thought of himself as horrible, as a monster but this one.. this one was on a whole different level and it was terrifying._

_“What I choose not to be your fly?” He asked, stepping closer. “What if I just haul you in like we did with.. him?”_

_“You could do that. In fact, I’m sure you brought someone with you.” He answered as if this was obvious. “You’re not stupid enough to come here alone. But I know you wouldn’t dirty you precious Captain by bringing him here.” He gave him an eerie smile. “I’m sure your red-headed friend is around somewhere.” He went back to sharpening his knife. “But you know as well I do that I wouldn’t go down as easily our Colonel would I?” _

_He did. He knew this one wouldn’t expose himself or allow himself to be a sitting duck in jail. He knew he’d get out and come back. There was a hidden menace in what he said too. Meaning that he’d come back and his friends would never be safe. And at that, Bucky had another question, realizing something as well. This one was a manipulator, he had been playing games with him for a year now. In more ways than he realized. _

_“You told him where I lived didn’t you?” He asked, needing to know the answer. “The Colonel.. he didn’t find it out from Bratva he found it out from you..” _

_The Agent smiled at him. “I knew you’d figure it out sooner or later.” He was told, and the bastard almost sounded proud. “He’d been obsessed with you even after you sliced and diced him and he did not have the patience or resources anymore.” The smile turned from serene to slightly malicious. “I found out through channels and let him in on it.” Bucky cold actually see the joy in his eyes at this. “Heard you two had a nice reunion.” _

_Bucky could not help flashing on that, the details of which he hadn’t been completely forthright about. At the part about how he’d gotten hurt. Remembering the Colonel sitting on him, knees on his hands. Being unable to breath as his throat was squeezed. Remembered the feel of the knife going in. He’d felt all of it._

_“You know shrinks say about stabbing right?” The man asked casually, the sound of the knife scraping on the rock grating Bucky’s ears. “It’s just another form of penetration.” He seemed to study the blade thoughtfully. “Guess he found a way to get inside you again huh?” _

_That hit home especially hard because he could remember exactly what the Colonel had said at that moment too. He hadn’t at first, the memories of that part had been foggy but therapy had cleared them. Painfully so as well. _

You always been warm inside Soldat.._ that voice had hissed very close to his face as Bucky had nearly greyed out, almost pinned to the floor by the knife and that iron grip on his throat. _I missed that so much.

_He’d turned the tables at that, finding the strength to throw him off and shot him, before pursuing through the tunnel in a haze But that disgusting feeling of being invaded again, symbolically raped one more time, hadn’t left him, even if he hadn’t remembered it all until recently. And the wound was opened yet again inside, causing the scar to throb just a little. _

_“Why didn’t you kill him?” The Agent asked curiously. “I mean you had the opportunity.” _

_It was a question he’d asked himself. On the surface he’d known it was because Wanda had intervened at the moment he was planning to do it. But the truth was, he’d had an opportunity before he’d even been stabbed to do it. Instead he chose to torture him instead. _

_“It would’ve been too quick wouldn’t it?” The man asked, standing himself finally. “You wanted to make him suffer didn’t you?” A knowing smile crossed. “You enjoyed it.” _

_Bucky knew there was no point in arguing that. Because it was true. He’d wanted him to suffer. He’d wanted them all to suffer. He’d felt that rage inside him. That darkness that had clouded his mind several times while there. Which had cause him to kill the men the room and mutilate the Colonel the first time. He wanted him to hurt like he did, he wanted all of them hurt like that. To suffer. _

_“Yeah.” He admitted, just letting it roll out into the night air. “I did.” _

_“Well it looks like we do have something in common don’t we?” _

_A part of him knew there was a difference here. But it would take time for him to admit to himself. “Maybe.” He said as he looked up at the sky. “But not as much as you think.” _

_“Well I know you’re here to kill me.” The man said without any real emotion at all. “ I don’t know if you have it in you anymore though..”_ he heard that voice say to him in his memory. “_You’ve lost the stomach for it Soldat..” _

_The Soldier bristled again in Bucky, his hand inching to pull his own knife out. “Stop calling me that.” _

_“There’s that look.” The man said, stepping a little as if daring him now. “That one you had that night when you cut him up.” He smiled again. “We I let you loose.” _

_The knowing look he got was enough to just make him feel disgusting in general. Wondering just how he’d seen as a kid there. How much he knew. Probably a lot considering what Bucky remembered of him. The knowledge that there was anyone alive that had seen all of that was horrifying and made his need to shut him that much more potent._

_“Have you told him all of it?” He sneered. “I’ll bet you haven’t.” _

_“No.” Bucky answered simply, not even caring now because this man only had minutes to live. “And I won’t because he’s not like you.” _

_“Or you.” The Agent corrected. “We’re really not that much different.. We’re both monsters… but unlike you I don’t feel bad about it.. what is that like for you?”_

_There was answer on his lips, and ugly one that once he dropped it was going to happen. His hand fingered the knife in the pocket of his jacket, feeling it’s familiar dimensions. The Soldier in him woke up even more to this feeling as well, itching to use it on this man We need to do it the voice whispered to him He’s bad.. And Bucky was in perfect agreement. But he wondered if this man was right and he didn’t have the stomach for it anymore. _

_“Come closer and I’ll tell you.” He answered, with a low menace in his voice. “I’ll explain it to you in a way only you can understand.” _

_Those calm black eyes looked curious, not even wary. As if maybe he knew the answer to this and was perfectly fine with it. He stepped closer, not even blinking when Bucky pulled out the knife and put it to his throat, looking directly in his eyes as he did. _

_“You had a chance to do this before.” The man said, not even looking concerned. “Why didn’t you?” _

_He knew why now. As much as he wished he had then he knew. A part of him would later realize it was the main the difference between them really. Once he waw done punishing himself internally that was. He looked him right in the eyes, feeling that cold darkness descend on him. _

_“Because I’m not you.” He said simply. “That’s why.” _

_“If you do it… Soldat..” His adversary said to him, adding emphasis to the word. “What makes you think you can go back to that ‘normal life’ again? To your Captain and that cute cat of yours?” _

_It gave him pause for just a moment, considering that he might be right. If he did it could he pretend to be a normal person ever again? He wasn’t sure and it was a question he would ask for a long time after. While still in shock and after. Knowing this would hurt for a long time before he felt close to okay again. But also knowing he had no other choice really. _

_“You’re done asking questions asshole.” He hissed, pressing the blade to his throat and getting really close. “So I have one for you if you can answer it that is.” _

_The Agent just smiled as if knowing was coming. “And what is that?”_

_Before he answered he sliced with the knife, cutting the man’s throat and any further words that could come out of it. Could feel the splash of the blood as it hit his face and coated his arm. Could see it reflecting moonlight in graphic detail just like all the other times he’d killed someone. But the was the first one he’d done of his own sound mind. At least that’s what he told him for a while after. _

_“How does it feel to die?” He asked, looking into those fading eyesl, voice dripping with malice. “Because that’s what I felt like every day I was there.” He let go of the body, letting it fall to the ground. “You wanted to know.. so take that to hell with you.” _

_Bucky didn’t know how long he’d stood there just watching the blood drain out onto the ground. It was like before when they needed confirmation. _I want confirmation of the kill.._ he’d heard so many say to him and though maybe that’s why he was standing there. And old habit. But he knew later it was the shook setting in. The inability to face the reality yet. _

_He watched the man die at his feet and just.. felt nothing. Which was a strange relief. _

_That’s when he’d felt Natasha’s hand on his shoulder. Gentle and understanding. Even though he could feel or react he could comprehend that. “It’s done. I’ll take care of the rest.” She’d said. “Go home.” _

_And he’d nodded, looking at her with blood on his face and done just that. Feeling that same numbness as he did. Barely remembering how’d gotten there when he’d walked in the door. Seeing Steve, looking bright and beautiful. So far from the ugliness it hurt. _

He looked up at her as he tossed as shirt in the suitcase. “Good story huh?”

“You did what you had to do.” Nat told him. “You gotta try to let it go.”

Bucky ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. “I can’t.” He said honestly. “I walked back into this house and felt like a monster again.”

“The fact that you felt that way should tell you that you’re not one.” Nat explained. “Should show the difference between you and him right there. He would’ve killed you or anyone else and not lost a moments sleep over it.

It was strange other people had said similar things to him and he’d sort of dismissed it, thinking his pain and regret made him more of a monster. But Natasha could sit there and look at him with her green eyes, eyes that had seen very similar things to him, horrible things, and says the same damn thing and it penetrated his stubbornness a bit.

She was absolutely right and knew it. That man, even as a kid back in Siberia, didn’t feel much of anything when he killed. When he caused harm. It was nothing to him. A game. Like he said, pulling the wings off flies. But Bucky himself, even when he knew the person he’d killed was dangerous and a threat to everyone he loved, still felt regret over it. Still felt at all. That was the difference really. And even though that revelation was, in a way, a relief to him, it also made it hurt a bit more too, a different kind of hurt.

“Do you ever get pissed about it? He asked her pointedly. “About what they did to you.. what they made you into?”

Nat seemed to consider this. “All the time.” She told him, petting the cat in her lap. “They took a huge part of my life from me without my damn permission.”

“What do you do about it?” He asked, curious to her response. “How do you… turn it off after?”

“You mean after I do something necessary that I don’t like?” She replied, picking up another article of clothing. “I remind myself that the alternative was worse.. and that even though it’ll always be a part of me it doesn’t have to define me.” She chuckled a bit. “Having a punching bag helps too.”

Bucky actually laughed at that. “Steve has to replace the one downstairs almost weakly between the two of us.” He told her. “But mostly because of me.”

“We do what we have to do to cope don’t we?” She mused as Arya looked up at her affectionately. “Having people around us who love and accept us goes a long way too.”

He smiled at her, almost sadly thinking about Steve as he did. “Steve told me no matter what happened to me.. no matter what I did he’d accept me.” He said thoughtfully. “And I think for a long time I didn’t quite believe him and then… last night happened and he..” He paused for a moment, feeling emotional. “Just cleaned off the blood and took care of me like he always does.”

Natasha just nodded. “He’s good one.. “ She mused herself. “Those kind are the hardest to get used to for people like us because we just don’t know what to dol with them.” She chuckled again. “The assholes are much easier deal with.”

Bucky mused on that for a moment himself. Thinking how right she was. How much easier it was to accept the worse in people. To take the abuse. The ones that were good to you, you were always a bit suspicious of. Always questioning their motivations on some level because bad treatment was what you expected. He knew Natasha understood that just like he did, that she’d had that same wary nature as he did. That trust had to be earned with her just like it did with him.

“Guess he won us both over huh?” He said with a goofy smile on his face. “That punk had me from the freaking beginning.” He shook his head. “I just forgot that could trust him for a little bit I guess.”

She gave him an understanding look at that. “Sometimes we just…forget we’re safe.”

On hearing this Bucky remembered when he’d first brought Arya home from the shelter. How long it had taken the little cat to completely trust them. And even then, there had been times she’d still hiss and scratch if they touched a certain place where she’d been hurt by her previous owners. He’d been understanding of that because he understood what that felt like to have been hurt and be mistrustful as a result. And he’d realized a long time ago that Steve had understood that about him too. Had understood his need to bite and scratch sometimes. The response had always been the same as his had been with Arya. To be patient and forgiving. With him and the Soldier as well. And he’d won them both over as a result.

“Yeah.” He agreed. “And my memory hasn’t always been good either.”

Almost as if on cue he heard the sound of the garage door opening, seeing as how it was right under their bedroom and all. He was almost all packed, even had a bag just for Arya’s stuff. All he had to do was pack up his easel and his paints. Steve had indicted they could send for anything else they needed later. He smiled at Natasha leaning his head in the direction of the sound.

“Speak of the devil.” She said with a knowing look.

Steve wasn’t alone either it turned out. Wanda was with him and Bucky barely got a word out before he was embraced in a huge hug. And he thought to himself how she’d been the first person other than Steve to be able to attack hug him like this without getting hurt in the process. He smiled, buried his head in her shoulder, feeling that warm, glowing hand on the back of his head, searching gently as she always did.

“Are you okay? She asked softly, sounding emotional.

“I am now kid.” He assured her, looking at Steve and Natasha over his shoulder. “I am now.”

He nodded a thank you to Natasha and gave Steve a soft look as well, not even bothering to cover it up as the cat circled their feet, purring. It was good to be so loved and accepted like this.

\--

Steve had given Bucky and Wanda a moment or to to catch up again. Knowing he was in good hands there. And he could tell by Bucky’s overall demeanor that he was a bit better now. Not just because of Wanda either. He turned to Nat and pulled her aside to just… thank her but she stopped him before he could.

“You don’t’ have to okay?” She admonished. “You guys are family. The only family I got.”

Steve nodded at that, watching him and Wanda finish packing a few things “I can just.. tell that you helped that’s all.” He told her. “And not just today either.”

“We do what we gotta do Rogers.” She reminded him, her hand on his arm. “Even if it’s unpleasant.” She looked over at Bucky, who was showing Wanda the bag he’d packed for the cat. “All he needs now is al little time and some patience and he’ll be okay.”

“I know.” He agreed. “It’s why I’m taking him away for a while.”

“A change of scenery could help.” Nat added. “And not just for him either.”

After everything was packed up, and the bikes loaded into the trailer, they said their goodbyes. Wanda gave them both hugs, including another huge one for Bucky before turning to Steve and repeating it again.

“Take care of him okay?” She told him. “He needs it.”

“That’s what I’m planning on doing.” He assured her. “So much so he might be annoyed with me by the end of it.”

“Might?” Bucky teased, scooping Arya and attaching her lease to her harness. “Punk you annoy me at least 20 times an hour on a good day.”

“And you love it jerk.” Steve shot back at him as the girls looked amused by this. “You wouldn’t know what do if I didn’t.”

Bucky shrugged at that one. “Guilty as charged.”

In the car later, as they crossed the first of a couple of bridges on their way out of the city, he turned to look at Bucky who was just sitting there petting the cat. He was thoughtfully looking out the window, with an unreadable look on his face.

“So what’s going on in the beautiful head of yours jerk?” He asked as he picked up his metal hand. “Inquiring minds want to know.”

“Just trying to figure what you’re up to punk.” Bucky answered, looking over at him with those stunning blue eyes. “Where you’re whisking me off to.”

Steve smiled at that and kissed his fingers. “You’ll find when we get there.”

Bucky pulled his hand away playfully. “You gotta stop fucking teasing me Rogers.” He sassed at him. “There could be dire consequences to that.”

“He let of his hand and patted his leg. “I’m not scared of you jerk.”

He watched Bucky turn his head as it laid against the seat back. “Maybe you should be.”

He could see a little something in his eyes then, a shadow of sorts. It wasn’t major but it was noticeable. He knew he was wrestling with what he’d done. With whatever decision he’d made still. And knew it would take some time to work it all out of his system. Along with the hospital stay and the procedure as well. It had been really rough couple of weeks, even by his standards. Healing would continue to be a process.

“Feeling alright?” He asked carefully, avoiding too heavy a discussion in the car. “Not having nother a headache are you?”

“It’s never really gone away.” Bucky answered, petting a sleeping Arya’s back absently. “Just kinda faded to the background for a while.” He seemed to wince a little. “It is kind of a bitch now though.”

Steve nodded and reached over, brushing an errant strand of hair away from Bucky’s face. “Well you can take a nap if you want.” He suggested. “It’s gonna be a few hours before we get there.”

“Wherever there is.” Bucky added sarcastically, but in a humorous way. “But I suppose I could do that.. just don’t fall asleep yourself punk or this trip will be a lot shorter.”

Steve shook his head at that. “Stop being a grumpy bear and take a nap.”

Bucky looked at him cutely, his eyes already fluttering shut. “Aye aye Captain.”

He did sleep a lot of the way there. And peacefully too Steve noted. It gave him time to himself to think about it all. He didn’t know what precisely had happened last night. Just knew the threat had been eliminated. And knew that neither Bucky or Nat were likely to tell him any more than he already knew. Natasha’s implication was simply to look after him. To take care of him and be patient, that he would be okay. And Steve could live with that. With maybe never truly knowing the details. Of last night or anything else Bucky had left out of his story. He was allowed to keep things to himself once and a while. He’d earned the right to his own autonomy.

To make his own decisions and his own mistakes. Remembering what Nat had said the night before. That he’d come back. And the truth was she was right. Bucky had taken the long road sometimes, but he always came back home.

Soon they had arrived in the location and when Steve pulled off the highway and slowed down that’s when Bucky woke up and looked around. Seeing mountains and a very familiar lake. He watched his eyes widen a bit at this before turning to Steve with surprise and then happiness.

“We’re at the Lake, aren’t we?” He asked, rolling the window down to take in the fresh air. “You sneaky bastard.”

“Yes we are.” He confirmed as they pulled onto a long driveway. “But that’s not the biggest thing jerk.”

Bucky raised and eyebrow at him as they reached their destination. A rather large, sprawling, yet cozy looking cottage with backyard that had a view of the mountains and bordered the lake as well. There was even deck that went out over the water too. Bucky practically mumped out of the car to get a better look. Steve watched him sort of take it in, his teal blue eyes just sparkling with life and happiness.

“You like it?” Steve asked as he walked up behind him, putting his arms around him as he did.

“It’s beautiful.” Bucky answered. “Great location.”

Steve nuzzled his neck as Arya explored the grass by their feet. “Wait til you see inside.” He whispered in his hair. “How about we take a look?”

“Hell yes.” Bucky answered, turning and taking his hand. “I want the Grand Tour punk.”

They went inside and the interior was just as gorgeous as the outside. There was big living room with a fireplace and a huge picture window over-looking the lake. There was a fully stocked kitchen, multiple bathrooms, a dining room and a guestroom. And that was just the downstairs. Going upstairs there was several rooms including a Master bedroom and another room that Steve knew would be perfect for Bucky to paint in. It had a skylight as well a big window and he could picture Bucky sitting there painting under it. With the lake and the mountains over his shoulder as he did.

“This is.. amazing.” Bucky said in awe as he seemed to come to that conclusion himself. “How long we got it for?”

Steve smiled as Bucky turned to him for the answer. “Forever.” He revealed, pulling something out of his pocket. “We own it.” He showed him the paper he unfolded. “I should more specifically… you do.”

He saw him squint a bit and take the paper from his hands to read it. Seeing the surprise turning to a deep level of emotion. He looked up from the paper at Steve and he could his eyes shining with that emotion.

“You bought this for me?” He asked almost as if he didn’t believe it yet. “Why?”

“Because I wanted you to have something that’s truly yours.” Steve answered simply, putting his hands on his Bucky’s face. “A place of your own.”

“But… we already have a house.”

“And now we have two.” Steve told him, pulling him a little closer. “For when you need to get away like now.. we don’t have to rent.. we can just go… whenever want.” 

He saw Bucky sort of comprehend this for a moment. As if trying to find the words. “But I…”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t deserve it.” Steve said adamantly. “I’m not having any of that anymore.. you deserve this… you deserve all of it.”

He saw Bucky’s face just work a little as if fighting back the emotion. It was a losing battle. Before Steve could react he just about jumped in his arms, pressing his lips to his. Steve kept his hands on his face and could feel the wetness there, the tears he always tried to hold back could no longer. He let a hand slide into that soft brown hair and let himself be kissed for a moment longer.

“God I really fucking love you punk.” He heard Bucky say as he pulled his lips away, laying his head against Steve’s. “You have no idea how much.”

Steve nuzzled his face against Bucky’s and smiled. “I love you too jerk.”

Bucky then just sort of buried his face in Steve’s shoulder and allowed himself to hugged again right there in what would become his alternative art room. Where he could heal even more under the view of the mountains. In the peace and quiet.

“Thank you.” Bucky said quietly into his shoulder, resting his chin on it as he seemed to look out the window.

“Anything for you Buck.” Steve told him, brushing his hair with his fingers. “Anything.”

It was at that moment that Bucky pulled back slightly and seemed to lean into Steve a little more. “I think you take in the other room Captain.” He teased, sorting climbing him a little. “I need to test out the bed.”

“Is that so?” Steve replied, getting a good grip on his ass as he lifted him up. “I does look pretty comfortable.. like memory foam or something.”

Bucky just grinned and nuzzled his lips. “And hopefully sturdy too.” He mused as Steve turned to take to him to said room and bed. “At least it better be.”

Turned out it was. Because they wasted very little time testing it out. Making a non-verbal, mutual decision to leave the unpacking for the next day. They had plenty of time after all. Had the rest of their lives actually. Starting tonight.

When they fell asleep later it was to the sound of lapping water and crickets. A welcome change from the city noises. It was peaceful and they both slept soundly in it for a long time, curled up in eachother’s arms the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so first of all, I know this chapter started sort of ass-backwards but sometimes that works better from a storyline perspective for me. I wanted to do the reaction first and then fill in the blanks slowly because the reaction was what came in first. There's a few more details that may come out in the next one, but I wanted the basic story to be towards the end, because to me it was the reaction that was far more interesting to write. 
> 
> Bucky did go into what one might call a state of shock, and we haven't seen this from him directly in a while. It's been so long since he's actually taken a life, even if the life needed to be taken and he was in full control of facilities at the time. Although one could argue maybe he wasn't. Maybe he'd been traumatized and mainpulated into it over the long term. Once might not be able to actually call temporary insanity but he's not completely in his right mind either. And as you've found out the Agent has been pulling his strings for a while, and baiting him and just in general pulling all of these traumatic things out. Which in some ways helped Bucky face them, but in other ways really tore him open as well. 
> 
> What I really like about this one and the last chapter was the evolution of Steve's ability to accept that Bucky is not always going to tell him everything. And his overall ability to stop really trying to fix him and completely accepting him. Not pushing and asking what happened but taking care of him giving him the space to talk. Steve has learned a lot over the years, and one of the things he's learned is patience. 
> 
> The smut, per usual always sort of follows the story and I do think it's one of the ways they communicate on a certain level. Sex is something Bucky uses often as a way of sort of blasting through the barriers he puts up and allows him to be vulnerable in a way he often can't normally. The Soldier serves some of this purpose too, his honesty and simple outlook allow him to express things in ways that are difficult for Bucky to do. Steve learns a lot through him about Bucky's true inner weather and I think it's just fascinating psychology to write sometimes. 
> 
> Natasha, who hasn't been a major listed character has gained some importance as a new confidant for Bucky, someone, who several readers have noted, has more of an understanding of what Bucky's been through than most. She's been in some of the same places and hurt by the same type of people. She understands how complicated the whole mess can be, so Bucky took to her as an ally and she's become very important as a result. 
> 
> The actual kill was brutal in it's nature but its stroyline purpose is that it allows Bucky to face himself in a way he hasn't in a long time. To break him down so he can truly make sense of himself and sort of rebuild himself again. More repercussion from this will be felt in the next chapter, which is going to be a very healing one in many ways. And some of the wounds that got open will addressed in some way as a result. 
> 
> I like taking them back to the lake, and Steve has hinted about wanting to get a second place up there and i though this was good time to put it together. And they are going to spend a very significant amount of time there, like they did in Hawaii so there is your upside to what a bit of a dark chapter folks. 
> 
> I do have a lot going on in my life right now so that is why this chapter took so long but the next one won't take as long because I have a lot of time on my hands now. Hopefully I'll get it done sooner. 
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely reviews and sentiments, It was a welcome break to read them. <3<3<3 to all of you and *hugs8


	39. In the Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a little later than I wanted but I got it done.. artwork on my Tumblr per usual :) <3

He was sitting at the edge of the dock, looking at the water. The calm ripples that came from a duck or fish moving near the surface. It reminded him of when he was young on those trips with his father, sometimes they would go out in a boat when they’d go during the summer. A rowboat. When his father was in the right mood that was. There wasn’t any boats out this time of night however, seeing it was after midnight and all.

He was only one out there because he couldn’t sleep. Insomnia brought on by the nightmares. The ones painted in red, featuring events both recent and distant.

It was happening pretty much every night now since he’d been here.

He’d slept fine the first night, almost too good actually. It was the second night when those nightmares started, waking him up from a sound sleep. He’d be shaking a crying, sitting up in the bed, jumping when Steve would touch him. Reaching for a knife that wasn’t there, before his mind registered it was Steve hands not someone else’s. The residue from the dream would make him feel sick to the point of having to throw up. Which he did He would then curl into Steve’s arms and shudder until the nausea passed, but it always left a headache in its wake. Steve would ask him about it, but he couldn’t talk about it, just felt ill and out of sorts.

Bucky knew he wasn’t sick or anything. It was just the shock wearing off finally.

It was so quiet, so still here, that it finally allowed his mind to rest and as with any injury, it only really started to hurt when you stopped and took stock of it. Amelia had told him over their conference call that it was a perfectly normal thing. It meant that he was healing again, and he had to let the process play out as painful as it was.

Bucky was not one for patience on this, even though he tried to be. And tonight, he’d decided to not wake Steve and just come out here, fighting the nausea and requisite tears that followed it, to do just that. His bare feet were now hanging over the dock that was behind their new home away from home, as he continued to fight that urge to expel his dinner. He watched the little ripples his toes made in the water and saw his reflection in it, caused by the now nearly fully moo, looking a bit pale at that moment.

It had been waxing the day he’d killed that man. Barely a week ago now.

He shivered thinking about it, even though it wasn’t really cold here yet. It was cooler than it was in New York though, the month now turning into September. He just had on a t-shirt and shorts and that was more than enough really. It was just the memory in his mind causing it to occur. The remnants of a dream he didn’t want to remember. It was making him even more sick just thinking about it so he tired to focus somewhere, anywhere else to keep that from happening. It felt like a losing battle.

The Agent had drudged up memories of the Colonel again. From Siberia and his encounter with him in the tunnel. The details of which his mind had partially hidden or even outright invented to protect him from that trauma just like it had to his other ones as well. His mind had gotten good at protecting him over the years. Well-practiced.

_You’re so warm inside Soldat.._ his voice said in his head _I missed that…_

The feeling of the knife buried in his stomach. Of a finger probing the wound as the hand around his neck squeezed tighter. The feeling of being violated again. Of being raped, but in a different way this time. He’d gotten inside him again in different way and that memory had been horrifying. The Agent picking at that wound had reopened it and the blood was oozing out of it again. And that would lead to others as well he knew. Deeper ones. He feel the edges of them rising up in his mind like malevolent tendrils of smoke.

He had dreamed about it tonight, in full graphic detail. Bathed in that red tinge like all the others. And knew Steve would ask about it. And Bucky knew that he was so broken down right now, if he was asked, he’d tell him. It would just spill out because he had very little in the way of defense lately. And that terrified him.

So he turned around, expecting to see him any minute. Although other than their adventures in bed, which had been many since they’d gotten here, Steve had given him a lot of space in between. Hadn’t pushed him to talk or anything. Had let him paint, explore their new house and the grounds at his leisure and Bucky had been grateful for that.

And he loved every detail of this place that was theirs now. Was actually his according to Steve.

First of all, they had this dock behind the house, going right to the lake he was sitting in front of. It just off a large deck that was complete with lawn chairs, a grill and fire pit. They even had rowboat that Bucky was going to try out one of these days. He remembered how to row properly, even though the last time he’d done he’d been barely a teenager. There was a part of him that was longing to re-connect to that time. Before his life had become much more complicated.

The house itself was two floors, the bedroom window and the room Bucky had chosen to paint in both overlooked the late, with a beautiful view of the mountains around it. The living room had a huge picture window and an actual wood fireplace, and Steve had elected to start chopping some wood, which had been a nice view for Bucky out the kitchen window while drinking his coffee in the morning. Very nice indeed. Especially when Steve elected to do it without a shirt. His growing hair and beard adding a lovely touch to that.

Bucky and the Soldier were both appreciating the distraction of their personal lumberjack.

The cat had taken to her new house as well, and the bedroom had a beautiful, screened in deck that Arya had chosen as her little personal space. She sat on the railing and watched the birds, a different variety than from their other home, and laid in the sun, belly up sometimes. There was something for everyone here it seemed.

It was just perfect, and Bucky did his best to let himself believe he deserved all this. His sense of self-wroth was pretty low these days. But he knew Steve would not let that linger too long without saying something about it. And speaking of Steve…

He could hear the sound of the screen door opening and knew he was coming out. Not even trying to be subtle anymore. And he couldn’t sneak up on him anyways. No one could, his Solider senses wouldn’t allow for surprises like that. Was constantly alert, an old habit he couldn’t shake these days. Bucky turned and saw the love of his life coming out with two steaming cups in his hand, and blanket over his arm, and smiled up at him, admiring the view of the perfect fitting t-shirt and shorts as he did.

“Was wondering when you were gonna come out punk.” He observed as he took a cup of what smell like hot cocoa from him. “Frankly you’re a bit late.”

“Sorry jerk.” Steve answered, leaning over to kiss Bucky’s head sweetly. “I had to wait for the hot cocoa to heat up.” Sitting down with his own cup he very gently brushed some of Bucky’s untied hair back from his face. “Couldn’t sleep again huh?”

“Yeah.” Bucky admitted, looking back out at the water as he drank from his mug. “I didn’t want to wake you up again. You need your sleep too.”

He could see Steve looking at him understandingly. “Nightmare?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah.” He answered, looking down at his cup. “My usual shit.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Steve seemed ask carefully, putting a hand on Bucky’s leg as he did.

“I don’t want to but..” He started and paused, biting his lip as he looked over at Steve. “Maybe I have to.. you know… get it out of my system right?”

“You don’t have to.” Steve said to him with same soft look. “If it hurts too much.”

Bucky sighed and gave him a slightly annoyed look. “Stop letting me off the hook will you?” He admonished. “The only way I’m gonna get better is I bleed this shit out.” He gave him a small smile. “So don’t tempt me like that.”

“Just looking out for you that’s all.”

Bucky chuckled hollowly and shook his head, looking down at his mug as he did. “Do I look that fragile?” He asked, swishing the liquid around. “I mean I know I look like shit but...”

“You don’t look like shit.” Steve corrected, touching his hair again. “You look gorgeous per usual.”

He rolled his eyes at that. “You’re so biased you know that Rogers?”

“For you I am yes.” Steve replied, smiling softly, letting his hand linger in Bucky’s hair a little. “Was the dream about what happened the other day?”

“Kinda.” Bucky answered, swinging his toes over the water, letting them skim the surface. “But I’m not talking about that.. it was… something he said that.. made me think of something else.” He took a hard breath and gripped the dock with his hands. “It was about the Colonel… about what happened in the tunnel.. when he stabbed me.”

He could see Steve’s face scrunch up in anger at this. Just the mere mention of that man caused this reaction. Bucky knew the Colonel had gotten into Steve’s head a bit, the same way the Agent had gotten into Bucky’s. Had wheeled him and dug into some of their insecurities and guilt in the process. They both were dead now but still present, like malevolent ghosts that needed to be exorcised. Ones that might take multiple tries to completely expel. If they even could that was.

“Truth was.. I didn’t bring him there to kill him.” He confessed, looking at the water again. “I wanted to make him suffer.. to hurt him and make him feel what I felt all the time… and I did… I tortured him, cut him and burned him.” He swallowed hard. “And part of me.. kind of enjoyed it.. like back then..” His eyes met Steve’s briefly before flicking away again. “But like then.. I got careless and he almost killed me.”

He was glad Steve didn’t ask about then, he could only handle one bad memory at a time. He remembered how he’d been thrown hard enough into a pole that it had stunned him, and dislocated his right shoulder, making it difficult to move or fight back. And that the Colonel gotten his knee on his metal arm and his hand around his neck. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, his airway thin as the pressure increased. The memory was so strong he could almost taste the blood in his throat he’d felt himself swallow then, his hand unconsciously rubbing it as he talked.

“He had me pinned, his hand on my throat and I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move my arms.“ He told Steve who hadn’t interrupted, just put his hand on his leg, rubbing it gently. “He went for my knife and… got himself a little feel as he did.” His face pinched in disgust at the memory of this, fighting the urge to throw up just then. “And then he stabbed me with and it could feel it inside twisting and.. then.. he pulled the knife out and put his fingers in and….it felt like… he was… you know…”

He couldn’t finish it, didn’t have to. He could tell by the look on Steve’s face he understood exactly what he was talking about. It made him shake and feel absolutely filthy to think about. His mind had sort blocked this part out, until recently. Until the Agent had re-awakened it with his questions and insinuations. He realized even though he told Steve this, he’d never tell him what he said in that moment. He would keep that to himself forever.

_You’re so warm inside.. I’ve missed it…_

“That’s when I finally overpowered him… got loose.” He said as he finally looked over at Steve. “I was gonna kill him.. and I would’ve if it hadn’t been for Wanda.” His eyes got a hard cast in them then. “It wasn’t for my own defense or yours.. I was just… so damn angry.. that he did that… that he got… inside me like that… I just.. wanted him dead.”

He didn’t tell him he’d wanted to shoot him and stick his fingers in and rip the wounds open slowly, to make him scream. He didn’t because that was too damn close to what he’d done to him in Siberia when he’d fought back for the last time. When he’d sliced and diced. That memory was in the red. Deep in the red.

And he’d thought about it with the Agent too, of ripping him apart from the inside out. That he’d murdered him for the same reason. Out of pure, horrifying malice. He could never claim self-defense, even though that was how it went down officially. He knew he’d gotten away with it. And no matter how much the bastard had deserved it, it was still murder, one he’d committed of his own free will. And part of him wasn’t sure he could live with it. 

“I’ve been dreaming about it for a couple of nights now and it just.. makes me feel horrible.” He said to Steve, as he drank more of his hot chocolate. “It’s like I can’t get it out of my head.”

“It’s out now.” Steve reminded him, letting his hand move up to Bucky’s hair, stroking it gently. “It’s okay.”

He turned his head to the water just staring out into nothing basically. “Don’t know if it’s ever gonna be okay.”

“I will be Buck.” Steve told him, his voice soft and soothing. “You’re gonna get through this too I know you will.”

Usually, Bucky got mad when Steve said things like that, would accuse him of being naïve, but tonight. For some reason, it made him feel better. He could see the acceptance, the love and understanding in his eyes. Even with the anger that he saw that he’d had to through these things, which was born out of protectiveness he knew, he could see it. Could feel it, and it made the dirty feeling fade a little as a result. At least temporarily.

He looked over at the tethered boat nearby and smiled at it, needing a distraction. “We should take that out sometime.”

“The boat?” Steve asked, slightly surprised at the change in subject, but going along with it. “You know how to use it.”

Bucky leaned back and raised his eyebrows at that. “It’s a rowboat Rogers.” He reminded him. “It’s not that complicated, I’m sure we could manage.” He then got a thoughtful look. “Used to do it with my Dad sometimes.”

Steve nodded at that, not asking any questions yet. “Well then… we’ll have to do it one of these days then.” He said instead and looked around. “Obviously not right now though.”

“Of course not genius.” Bucky retorted and put his cup before standing up. “But there is something we can do right now.”

Bucky just sort of grinned. He had an idea but he still felt like he still needed to wash off and get clean. So he pulled his shirt off as Steve watched curiously. The cool air hit his skin and felt lovely, especially on the scar that had been left behind from that encounter. One that had been throbbing as he’d relived that night again.

“What are you up to jerk?”

Bucky grinned down at Steve and proceeded to pull his shorts off too, so aside from his tags and jewelry it he was completely naked now. There was no one out, it was after midnight. “Going for a swim punk.” He informed. “Care to join me?”

Before Steve got a chance to answer he jumped in the water, which was cool, but not too cold. Being enveloped by it felt amazing and freeing to him. The way the buoyancy of the water caused him to rise back up the surface, which wasn’t far because it wasn’t too deep here. As he broke the surface he pushed his hair back from his face to look up at Steve on the dock.

“Whatcha you waiting for?” He called out. “An invitation?”

Steve shook his head for a moment as if this was nuts, but then proceeded to strip himself as well, a sight Bucky never got tired of. The beautifully muscled body glimmering in the moonlight. It was his too, causing him to bite his lip as he folded his elbows on the dock looking up at him. And watched him jump in and then rise out of the water himself, before swimming over and putting his arms around Bucky’s waist under the water.

“You’re crazy you know that?” He asked Bucky, forehead leaning against his. “Someone could see us.”

Bucky looped his arms around Steve’s neck and brushed his wet lips over his. “Ain’t no one gonna see us punk.” He whispered to him. “And even if they did who cares?” He closed the distance, bringing their lips together. “We’re married after all.”

He then kissed him deeply and pulled him underwater as he did, letting it surround them both. Feeling perfectly safe and secure as their naked bodies curled around each other under the water before the popped back to the surface, still kissing, their tongues twisting around each other. And Bucky never felt more clean than he did then. That filthy feeling as had washed off in an instant.

It almost felt like a baptism in a way.

He could feel Steve’s hands on him under the water as their feet settled on the ground underneath, it was maybe 5 feet deep where they were. It caused him to kiss him deeper, his metal hand digging into Steve’s wet hair and pressing his body closer. He just… wanted him here, like this, with the water surrounding them.

Steve seemed to have same idea, his wariness of being seen melting away as he chewed on Bucky’s neck, hands gripping his ass, causing him moan thickly, his half-lidded eyes looking upward at the moon.

“Come on Stevie..” He purred into his ear. “You know you want to… “

Steve growled in response against his neck, before lifting his lips to Bucky’s ear as well. “Ask me nicely sweetheart.”

Bucky keened in response to the commanding tone of that voice. “Fuck me… “ He whined, sliding against him under the water. “Please…”

He wanted to cleanse himself of that memory the best way he knew how, his own kind of baptism. The only one that worked with someone like him. He smiled against as Steve turned him around, and pressed himself fully against his backside, causing him to whine again, feeling him right there, teasingly, causing Bucky to almost involuntarily grind his ass against him under the water. He had little control of himself as the moment and was more than happy to give it to Steve anyways.

And when he slid inside him like that, it was the sweetest feeling ever, filling him fully as a pair of warm, wet lips found his neck in that sweet spot. Feeling one of those strong hands on his hip, and the other pressed against that scar on his belly as they stayed like that for a moment, with nothing but the sound of water lapping and their own breathing filling his ears.

“Look at you.” Steve whispered in his ear as he began to rock against him, softly at first. “So beautiful.. so perfect..”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered and rolled, reacting to the sensation as well the words. He didn’t always believe them, but he didn’t argue either. Because in these moments he felt the truth of it in his soul, even if his mind still rejected it sometimes. In these moments that part was overridden by the other, more basic part of him and accepted it fully.

He felt himself reach over to the nearby post of the dock and hold onto it, allowing himself to back against Steve even more, eagerly taking him in as they began to move faster. He planted his feet of either side of Steve’s, feeling them sink a little into the soft lake-bed, and began to cry out without reservation as he was fucked beautifully right there in the water of a lake he had grown to love.

Letting it fall away in the sweet sensation that came out of it all. His cries echoed across the lake as he came beautifully in the arms of the only one he would ever love.

A strong yet soft hand wrapped loosely around his throat and turned his head back to kiss him and Bucky happily went with that too, his hands still wrapped around the dock pole, that feeling of sweet bliss in his heart.

He let go of the post and just float in that blissful feeling for a little while, all thought drifting away in that peaceful quiet.

\--

Making love to Bucky right there in the water had been incredible. He had lost all decorum and gave him everything he had, before they both came in succession. He then held Bucky to him right there, letting both their bodies start to float a little together as he kissed his lips, and nuzzled his neck from behind, keeping them connected a little longer.

The floating together in the water was like being on a beautiful cloud he would think later.

Eventually he felt Bucky pull back and turned around, looping his arms around his neck as he did. His blue eyes, still glazed with pleasure, reflected in the moonlight in a hauntingly beautiful way that Steve could not help staring into. He was just.. so stunning. Even when haunted, like he clearly still was.

“That was…” He breathed to Steve, the metal hand reaching up to comb through his wet hair. “Damn..”

Steve wrapped his arm tightly around Bucky’s waist, holding his body to his under the water. “Yeah.. it was..”

“I do love me some skinny-dipping.” Bucky purred, brushing his lips over Steve’s. “Remember the first time we did this?” He smiled with a nostalgic look in his eyes. “Under the pier?”

Steve ran his fingers through Bucky’s wet hair, remembering it well. “The water was so damn cold.” He recalled. “We were lucky we didn’t get sick.”

“Yeah your ma woulda killed me.” Bucky confirmed, chuckling a little. “But it was well worth it to get you naked even then punk.”

Steve raised his eyebrow at that. “Yeah you were corrupting me even then jerk.”

“Oh so you’re blaming me for your descent into debauchery.” Bucky countered, leaning against him and nibbling on his lip teasingly. “Nice try Rogers but you were hardly innocent… even then.”

He knew that was true. There were so many times he’d coerced Bucky into things as well. Had climbed on him and started all kinds of shit. Some things more pleasant than others. The naked night-swimming had been his idea, after a few stolen beers that was and it had been fun, even if the water had been freezing cold.

“And I have no apologies for that jerk.” He said with a gleam in his eyes as he got a hold of Bucky’s wet hair again. “None at al.”

He didn’t let Bucky answer, their lips met again in a deep kiss and Steve let his other hand get ahold of that wet hair, their tongues moving softly together as they lifting their legs and let themselves float a little in the water. He wanted to stay like this forever if he could, in the perfect afterglow moment. Because it felt like at that moment at least, Bucky was a peace. It was all he wanted for ihm.

Their lips parted eventually, and Bucky laid his head on Steve’s shoulder. “I’m sorry punk.” He whispered, and Steve saw his eyes flutter shut. “I know I haven’t been myself lately.”

“You’re going through a lot.” Steve told him, brushing his hair with hand. “It’s okay.”

He thought about what Bucky had told him about his dream, about what he remembered about that night with the Colonel. And he knew there was more bothering him too. More than just that. Not that that wasn’t enough mind you. Bucky had admitted a darkness in himself, one he’d admitted before when he’d told him about what he’d done to the men in the room. And had only hinted at it with the Colonel. The intense rage and anger. Hinted at the feeling of pleasure at hurting them. It was disturbing thing he wouldn’t fully admit to, but Steve knew what that feeling felt like. He’d felt that way when cutting of his air in the hospital that night.

He felt it every time he thought about hurting any of them. Any of the ones that had hurt Bucky like that. Had had his own disturbing fantasies of the ways he would hurt the Colonel and all the others. And thinking about that bastard sticking a finger in the wound like that, of his hand on Bucky’s throat, leaving those horrible bruises. For all things he and the others had done to Bucky, death was too good for them. Endless torture would be much more suitable and satisfying in his mind.

He could feel Bucky shaking in his arms, and not just from the cold either, and effortless lifted him to sit on the dock, before hoisting himself up as well. Because he was always prepared, he had brought some towels and wrapped it around Bucky to dry him before wrapping the blanket around him and pulling him into his arms right on the dock.

“Ever the Boy Scout huh punk?” Bucky observed, cuddling in his arms as he sat between his legs. “Shoulda known.”

Steve nuzzled his face into Bucky’s wet hair and smile. “Damn right.” He answered, rubbing his flesh arm. “Especially when it comes to taking care of you jerk.”

“Well you do a good job.” Bucky told him as he got more comfortable. “Even though I really don’t deserve you.”

Steve shook his head and lifted Bucky’s chin to look in his eyes. “I really wish you’d stop saying that.”

“Why not punk it’s the truth.” Bucky said to him, sitting back from him for a moment. “I ain’t exactly a saint you know?”

Bucky looked down and smoothing back his wet hair from his face and seemed to look around at his surroundings, almost as if he couldn’t believe he was here. He was reminded painfully of when they were younger and would go swimming at Coney. How Bucky would always do that after he pulled himself up onto the pier. He had been struck then by how beautiful he was the and looking at him now that feeling hadn’t changed. He was older and much more battle-scarred, but he was still just so goddamn beautiful that actually hurt to look at him sometimes.

“No one is Buck.” He told him adamantly. “But it doesn’t make you any less deserving.”

Bucky’s hands rested on the back of his head, the metal one reflecting multiple points of light as he looked at Steve with haunted eyes. “It wasn’t self-defense Steve.” He admitted. “You know that don’t you?”

It had confirmed his suspicions about it, because he knew Bucky wasn’t just admitting it to that to punish himself. He could see the truth in his eyes. “I know..” He answered, meeting those troubled eyes. “And it still doesn’t matter.” He grabbed his face and held it. “Doesn’t change a damn thing.”

Bucky just looked at him with glassy eyes at that. “God you’re so stupid Rogers you know that?”

“Yeah I know.” He said as he pressed his face against Bucky’s. “But I’ll always be stupid for you.”

Instead of coming back with something witty, Bucky just climbed on him, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck, metal fingers digging into his hair as he kissed him fiercely. He would’ve tumbled over if he hadn’t braced himself with one hand, using the other to wrap around Bucky’s waist.

“Don’t ever change punk..” Bucky said as he pulled back to look down at him. “Don’t.”

Steve smiled up at him, pulling him more onto his lap as he did. “Not planning to jerk.”

Bucky smiled and nuzzled his face into Steve’s shoulder, and then seemed to relax into it. He knew he was tired, hadn’t been sleeping well lately with the nightmares and all. So it didn’t surprise him when Bucky fell asleep in his arms like that. Wrapping a blanket around him, he then held him with one arm while tossing as many things as possible into the bag he’d brought.

Slinging the bag over his shoulder he then rather effortlessly stood up, lifting a sleeping Bucky with him. Who, while asleep, still managed wrap his legs around him so he could be carried. Steve still sometimes thought about how much things had changed. How when it was him that would fall asleep on Bucky’s shoulder and have to be carried home. Now he was the one doing the heavy lifting and he did not mind that at all.

Getting up the stairs to the deck he very carefully put him in the cozy lounge chair, putting the blanket over him, he then putting his own shorts back on to retrieving the few things that couldn’t fit in the bag to bring them back up there as well. It was a fine night, good for sleeping on the deck, and he hoped Bucky would sleep through the rest of it to the sound of lapping water and all other sounds of nature.

Bucky was so sound asleep that Steve was able to dress him without waking him, and climbed into the chair with him, wrapping him up in his arms for the remainder of the night. He heard Bucky murmur something incoherent and then snuggle up next to him under the blanket. It didn’t sound like distressed sleep, that was at least good for now. Maybe he could get a few hours of peaceful sleep this time.

“Goodnight jerk.” He whispered into his hair, closing his own eyes. “I love you.”

Bucky’s metal arm tightened around Steve’s waist in response. “Mmm hmm… love you too punk.”

It was a big, cozy lounger, with more than enough room for both of them. Steve looked up and was once again amazed at how many stars they could see out here. And just how quiet it was. Nothing but the water and the light breeze rustling through the trees. The sound of crickets and other critters great and small. Knew this was a great place for Bucky to get better. If he just allowed himself to believe he deserved it that’s all. He nuzzled his face into his still damn brown hair and wished for that more than anything.

It wasn’t long before Steve himself had fallen asleep, with the peace and quiet surrounding both of them in their new mountain home.

\--

Bucky woke up, surprised to find himself in the comfy lounge chair on the deck. The sun was climbing over the mountains in front of him and reflecting off the lake in that shimmery way. Which caused him to shade his eyes for a moment from it as they adjusted to the light.

What a sight to wake up to, he thought to himself, for a moment held breathless by it.

Steve wasn’t there, but had an inkling of where he was, most likely inside making breakfast. Probably with the cat on his shoulder being fed bacon. Bucky smiled at this image, tucking his right arm under his head and just observing the boats out on the water as the world was coming to life in front of him.

He really liked it here. Like waking up to nothing but the sound of nature and people just… relaxing. No blaring car horns, no sirens or anything. Not that he didn’t love the city and Brooklyn in general but the peace and quiet was doing wonders for him. Even if it meant that he was starting to feel the pain in this quiet space, it was good and healing he knew. Allowing him to open up more like he had last night, admitting a few more things to Steve that were plaguing him. Not that he would ever tell him everything, but there was relief in sharing these things he hadn’t expected as well.

He felt memories, the ones in the red, creeping on the edges of his mind and wasn’t sure he had the strength to fight them off today. The feeling they brought with them of being a monster. Of not deserving any of this at all. This struggle made him weary. Almost exhausted under the weight of it.

And he knew Steve would see that on his face the second he got near him. As much of a relief as it was to spill things like last night, he didn’t want to talk about those things here. Even though he knew putting it off and avoiding it was unhealthy, he just couldn’t.

_Have you told him everything? I’ll bet you haven’t…_

That voice, still sneering in his head, asking him questions he never wanted to answer out loud.

He thought maybe today was a good day to let the Soldier out fully for a while to appreciate their new home, and to help himself heal a little more. He told himself he wasn’t trying to avoid shit, even he knew he was, in a way doing just that. So he decided to signal him and allow the still recovering part of his mind to have to more time to reassess and process internally.

_Come on out.._ He called to him in the recesses of his head. _Take care of Steve for me.... need some more rest.. enjoy yourself.._

The Soldier for his part was a bit unnerved at first by the stillness of the place but found that he liked it as well. Especially the fact that there wasn’t anyone too close to him or Steve. He could see all the entrances and exits as well. And now he was feeling an urge to let his guard down a little. But only a little.

Tossing the blanket aside he sat up, looking around and saw Steve through the patio door, and could smell something delicious wafting out of it. He was very hungry, Bucky hadn’t been eating a lot lately, the nightmares making him sick, so their shared body was starving for food, stomach rumbling in reaction to the mere thought of it.

Getting up off of what was a very comfortable chair he went to the door and went inside, stopping to take in the view of Steve’s muscular back as he cooked. The Soldier felt a myriad of new feelings in the last year or so but the one he was feeling now was powerful. That feeling of love and want, two things he hadn’t been allowed before but was now embracing fully because he was free.

Walking up to Steve he put his arms around him from behind, bending them around his shoulders like the world’s biggest backpack and nuzzled his face into his neck, breathing him in. He always smelled so good.“ Our Steve..” He purred into his back. “Smells good.”

“Morning Soldier.” Steve answered over his shoulder. “You hungry?”

He nodded into his back. “Yes we are.” He replied, flexing his fingers on Steve’s chest. “Very hungry.”

“I thought you might be.” Steve said as he put the pan aside and let himself turn in his arms, pulling his Soldier closer to him. “You like the new place too?”

The Soldier looked up at Steve as he looped his arms around his neck. “We do.” He told him, nuzzling his face against Steve’s. “As long as our Steve is here with us.”

His lips were met with a sweet kiss that he couldn’t help leaning into, with the smell of what he knew would be delicious food in his nostrils as he did. His metal fingers dug into Steve’s hair just eating up the moment. He always loved the way Stee kissed him and never wanted it to end.

“Of course I am Soldier.” Steve said after pulling away rubbing their noses together. “And it just us and the cat for as long as we want.”

The Soldier thought as he looked into those eyes he’d grown to love and trust so much, that this place and feeling was as far away as possible from the place he’d known for most of his existence. It was warm and bright, and everything felt good. Nothing hurt and he didn’t have to do anything at all to receive this reward.

When he was finally pulled over to the kitchen table, he felt his stomach rumble again as a plate of eggs and toast was put in front of him. And he wasted no time putting it down either. He was so hungry that he just couldn’t stop stuffing his face with the yummy food. And instead of admonishing him for it, Steve just smiled and put his hand on his arm.

“Easy there Soldier.” He said in a soft tone. “There’s plenty of food you don’t have to rush.” He watched Steve pop a piece of bacon into his mouth. “Savor it..”

The Soldier smiled sheepishly and tried to slow down, even going so far as to give some scraps to the cat, who’d jumped in his lap and started purring. He like this little furry thing, she was soft and warm, and seemed to like him too. Wasn’t afraid of him at all. So using his metal hand to pet her he ate his breakfast at a more moderate pace, and downing some juice as well. Steve was right, it tasted better when you ‘savored’ it like that.

“Guess you were hungry.” Steve observed, wiping some yolk off his face with a gentle finger.

“We like food.” He answered with that same sheepish smile. “Steve makes it good.”

Steve nodded, keeping his hand on his face. “Well I’m glad because Bucky hasn’t been eating much lately and he needs to.” He looked at him thoughtfully. “Is he alright?”

The Soldier sort of paused and searched his mind a little for a response to this. “The memory makes him feel bad.” He explained as he best he could. “Makes him feel sick and… sticky.” He thought a little harder, digging deep. “And… scared..”

“Scared?” Steve asked, looking at him intensely. “What is he scared of?”

The Soldier wasn’t quite sure of what it was. He had a flash image of them, in that room, their hands shackled. A sense of red. The memory of it was covered in the color red. Any attempts to dig any deeper hurt his head a little bit. Bucky didn’t want him there. Whether it was in self-defense or in protection the Soldier wasn’t sure. He just knew if Bucky didn’t want him to dig, he wouldn’t.

“Can’t see it.” He replied as honestly as possible. “It’s all in the red.”

“In the red?” Steve asked, leaning forward. “What does that mean?”

“Bucky won’t let us see any more.” He told him regretfully. “We’re sorry.”

Steve looked sad for a moment at this and just nodded. “What about you? How do you feel?”

He still wasn’t used to these kind of questions, before Steve no had cared how he felt about anything. They only cared about the success of his missions. He was still beginning to really understand that this was not a normal thing. That Steve caring about him and how he felt about things was not the exception, it was supposed to be like that. So he didn’t always know how he felt about things. And was still learning how to vocalize those feelings that he did feel.

“We don’t know..” He answered as honestly as he could. “Not sure.”

He was wondering if that was an okay answer because he desperately wanted to get the answers right. Was still locked into that thought process of trying to please someone he considered to be ‘above’ him. Still sometimes expecting Steve to get angry when he didn’t know the answer. But Steve wasn’t angry with him, not at all. He, in fact, seemed to understand that feeling.

“That’s okay Soldier.” Steve said, leaning over and kissing his nose, causing it to wrinkle a little in response. “I understand.”

The sense of relief that went through him was surprising and caused him to smile broadly. Which sometimes still felt funny on his face to do. And then gently put the cat on the floor before practically leaping onto Steve’s lap to kiss him again, his legs swinging on either side of the chair as he did.

“We just know we love our Steve.” He whispered against his lips. “That’s all we know.”

He could feel that strong hand in his hair, fisting it softly. It was something that not long ago would’ve frightened him because the others had done that. Usually when they were hurting him or making him do the sex thing. But when Steve did it felt good. Felt comforting and it caused him to kiss him more, his hands gripping his shirt as he did.

“How about we take a walk?” Steve suggested as he pulled away, brushing back some of the Soldier’s hair as he did. “It’ll just be you and me and the trees.” He nuzzled his face a little, his other hand doing sweet circles on his back. “We could even pack a lunch if we want.”

The Soldier smiled even brighter, sitting back a little as he did. “Peanut but and jelly?” He asked hopefully. “And… chocolate milk?”

“You know that actually sounds really good.” Steve replied, kissing his head. “And when we get back we can even have some ice cream too if we want.”

Now that made him happy and he kissed Steve again as a result. “With… whipped cream?” He offered, searching for the right words. “We’d like that.”

Steve nodded and lifted him off his lap slowly. “Of course.”

The Soldier loved this whole idea and stood behind Steve with his arms around him like he always did, watching him over his shoulder as he made the sandwiches. The cat walked between their legs happily purring as she did. This sense of home and happiness filled the Soldier’s heart and continued to illustrate the difference between his life before and his life now. His liked the latter a lot more. Way more.

When they were outside walking, he kept his metal hand in Stee’s and would look over at him with love and awe. Like a newly adopted puppy who absolutely worshipped his master. But the Soldier was learning that Stee was not his ‘master’. He was his husband and treated him sweetly. He never hurt him or made him do anything he didn’t want to. Never expected anything out of him and it still took some getting used to this new dynamic.

There was no one but them around, and he liked that too. The less people the better because he still didn’t like crowds. Didn’t like too many other people too close to him. He liked that it was just him and Steve and the trees as he was told. It was perfect.

He really liked it here. He liked it a lot.

Eventually they came to a place that overlooked the lake and mountains again, just past the tree-line. It was here that Steve stopped and put down the basket he was carrying to lay out a blanket. Which the Soldier was happy to help with. Feeling like he should at least help sometimes rather than just observe. And when they were done, they sat down, the Soldier sitting between Steve’s legs, his back against his chest, looking out over the view, taking in the surroundings.

“It’s nice huh?” He heard Steve say as his neck was nuzzled sweetly. “The view I mean.”

He smiled, entwining his fingers with Steve’s which were wrapped around his stomach. “Yes.” He answered. “We like it.”

There was no snow on these mountains, at least not yet. The mountains the Soldier had seen had a lot of had been covered in it. It had been so cold there, so windy that you couldn’t sit like this. He had been used to that cold but had found this warmth was so much better. Along with the company as well.

The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were good, really good actually, along with the chocolate milk of course. Steve always packed several because he knew how much the Soldier liked them. He smiled at Steve over his sandwich, watching as his hand brushed the hair away from his eyes. The Soldier scooted a little closer so he was sitting between Steve’s legs as he was eating his second sandwich. There was something in his eyes that troubled the Soldier a little, thinking he was still worried about Bucky.

“Steve okay?” He asked after swallowing the last of his sandwich.

“Yeah I’m okay.” Steve answered, wrapping his hand around one of the Soldier’s legs. “I’m just… worried about Bucky is all.”

The Soldier leaned forward, wrapping his hands around Steve’s waist, leaning his head against his. He just felt the need to comfort him because he didn’t know the proper thing to say. Bucky’s source of upset came from when they killed the rhyming man he knew. The Soldier didn’t quite understand why, because he was a bad man that was going to do bad things. He didn’t like helping Bucky do it but knew it had to be done. But Bucky had felt worse, not better at having disposed of him. The Soldier did not have the answer for this because of the complex emotions involved. All he could was try to make Steve feel better. Which he realized might have been the reason Bucky had pulled him out to begin with.

He moved his hands on Steve’s waist and felt him twitch slightly. Looking up he was trying to see if he was doing something wrong and saw a strange amusement on his face when he did. So he moved his fingers again, letting the metal one snake under his shirt. And saw Steve twitch again in that same way.

“Are you tickling me Soldier?” He asked in an amused tone. “Who taught you that?”

The word was familiar to the Soldier and then he remembered that time in the chair in their other house. When Steve had ran his fingers over his skin and caused a funny sensation that had made the Soldier giggle a little. He’d called it ‘tickling’ and the Soldier had remembered squirming in glee over the sensation. That he liked it a lot.

“Steve did.” The Soldier answered with sass worth of Bucky himself. “When he tickled us.”

He did it a little more and actually made Steve giggle, a sound he loved. And it got that sad look off his face as well. He smiled and slid his fingers up more under his shirt and that’s when Steve laughed out loud and grabbed his hips, finding the spot on them that was ticklish too and suddenly the Soldier was giggling as well. This was fun.

“Well two can play at this one.” Steve said, his voice breathy from laughing. “I know where yours are too.”

They began playfully wrestling on the blanket and for the Soldier it was so much fun, more fun than he’d known existed sometimes. He was laughing again, something he was still getting used to as well. Especially when Steve had him pinned on the blanket and he almost couldn’t breathe from laughing so hard. Anyone else who had him in the position would’ve gotten hurt but not Steve. He just kicked and giggled breathlessly as he looked up at Steve, trying to gleefully tickle him back.

“Look at you..” Steve seemed to purr, as he leaned over him. “You’re so beautiful.”

That word just sunk into his heart. He had been called beautiful by Colonel but the connotation had been so different. It had made him weird and sticky, and usually said after he’d hurt him. But when Steve said it, he felt warm inside, like the sun on his face. He understood what it meant because he felt it. He no longer felt sticky but felt… clean and fresh. That was a relatively new feeling.

In response to it he reached up with his metal hand and wrapped it around Steve’s neck, the metal fingers playing in his hair. And pulled his lips to his just like that. “Steve…” He whispered against his lips. “Our Steve..”

The hands under his shirt pushed it up a little, and feel of those fingers made him shiver, and giggle a little as they kissed. He liked tickling a lot, because it led to other fun things. And speaking of that, he had other ideas. He was here to take care of Steve after all. 

Wrapping his leg around Steve’s hip he easily flipped him over onto his back, smiling down at him before pushing up Steve’s shirt with his own hands and pressing his lips into his chest, tasting him He could feel Steve’s hands in his hair, gripping it tightly in the pleasant way that caused his heart to flutter in his chest.

“What are you up Soldier?” Steve asked, his voice sounding out of breath already.

The Soldier lifted his head to look up at him. “Taking care of Steve..” He told him as he nuzzled his stomach. “Like we promised.”

“Promised who?”

His hands slid down Steve’s waist to the waistband of his jeans. “Bucky…” He whispered, undoing said jeans. “While he’s gone.. we take care of our Steve.”

Steve seemed to get the drift of this, moaning softly as the Soldier undid his jeans and pulled them down slightly. His hand seemed to bunch up more of his hair and this caused the Soldier to purr a little and bite down softly on his hip, letting himself taste more of his skin. He was feeling this sense of possessiveness along with the need to take care of him, and it was a new and thrilling sensation which fueled his desire to new levels.

Steve was his, and he wanted to consume him. To claim him.

He then got a good grip on his hips, wrapping both the metal and flesh hands around them tightly and took him into his mouth, all the way to the back of his throat like he liked to and used his tongue on him. He was well practiced on this and used to think of as simply part of training, something he had to do, but he knew now it wasn’t. And found that unlike then, he enjoyed it with Steve, very much. Especially with the way Steve pushed his hips against him and pulled his hair. The sounds he made and the way he tasted.

The Soldier loved taking care of Steve like this and made sure he did it well.

Out here among the trees he took care of his Steve. With the sounds of the water and bird, and pleasurable moans fillings his ears as he did. This was his mission, his duty and no one had to force him anymore. He did because he wanted to

“My Soldier…” He heard Steve moan, filling his ears sweetly. “My love…”

The Soldier smiled, holding his hips down firmly, consuming his Steve and loving every minute of it.

\--

Steve could barely control himself once those lips wrapped around him, incasing him in the heat of his warm mouth. He tugged on his hair, pushing his hips against him without thought. The Soldier, like Bucky, was very through and quite amazing at this. He knew exactly what to do, licking him up and down and taking him deep, metal and flesh hands gripping his ass. He could barely control himself, wanting to keep shoving his hips against him. To keep thrusting deep into his throat, hungry for it.

It had taken a long time for him to relax enough to allow himself to just give into this. There was always a fear he’d hurt him in some way. Would be too rough like the others had been. But neither Bucky or the Soldier ever seemed to mind. Never flinched in the slightest, just moaned thickly, causing a vibration that made it that much more intense. So he didn’t worry about it, pushing his hips hard against him as he was deep-throated, crying out his pleasure to the wind.

He came explosively, body spasming hard as he did. And his Soldier took it without complaint at all.

His hands still clutching his hair, Steve took in deep gasps of air, looking up at the blue sky as the Soldier finished up. When he finally looked down, he saw those blue eyes staring up at him and growled, pulling on his hair to pull him up to his lips, where he kissed him fiercely as they lay on the blanket. One of his hands let go and slid under the other man’s jeans, gripping his ass tightly under them.

“My Soldier…” He growled possessively against his lips. “Mine..”

He was fully planning on taking him right there on the blanket, but he had to recover first, so he settled for using his fingers on him, stroking inside and out as they kissed feverishly. His other hand still gripped his hair, not letting go of it, letting himself be forceful and aggressive. No longer worrying about it anymore. And when their lips separated, he roughly pulled the Soldier’s head back and hungrily bit down on his neck, claiming him yet again.

“Our Steve…” The Soldier moaned in response. “We are his..”

Those metal fingers skated over his skin under shirt, and to Steve it was the most unique sensation, because while they were smooth metal, they were always strangely warm like a real hand. And that touch gave him such a feeling of love, of home whenever they touched him. It didn’t matter which part of him used them, it always felt the same.

Steve rolled him over onto his back and continued lavishing attention on his throat and neck, before pulling away and smiling down at him. “I like when you take care of me Soldier.” He whispered to him, letting his hands slide up his hips and his fingers hook around the belt loops of his jeans. “Just like I like taking care of you.”

The Soldier smiled, his hair spread out on the blanket. He lifted his metal hand and touched Steve’s face with it. “We love Steve..”

Steve studied him, thinking of how the Soldier always used ‘we’ and ‘us’ rather than ‘I’ or ‘me’. He never asked about it, just accepted it as the way he talked, but part of him wondered why he referred to himself like that. And wasn’t sure if asking him would just confuse him. But in this situation, while they were catching a breath out here in the fresh air, he thought he’d try.

“Soldier..” He said and paused slightly for a moment. “Why do you refer to yourself as ‘we’ or ‘us’?” He looked in his eyes to see if he was understanding this. “There’s only one of you.” 

The Soldier seemed to turn his eyes to the right for a moment as if thinking. “Don’t know..” He answered, before looking back at Steve. “Is it not right?”

He studied him for a moment, thinking maybe he understood something about this. It should’ve been obvious. The Soldier had lived his whole life with another person in his head and had always thought of himself as ‘us’ and ‘we’ as a result. He’d never been independent of Bucky and had no concept of being an ‘I’ or a ‘me’. No concept of himself as a separate individual. And it wasn’t just because of Bucky sharing his head that he’d felt this way. Because he’d been trained not to be an individual, that he was part of a collective with no room for individual thought at all. It was a revelation when Steve realized this.

“Yes it’s right. “ He reassured him, brushing his hair with his fingers. “For you it’s right.”

He realized to explain to him may just confuse him, this part of Bucky was still really learning himself and it was important to validate these things, and the way he thought of himself. And there was also a part of him that thought the vernacular was an an adorable idiosyncrasy that he wasn’t sure he wanted to eliminate. He leaned down and kissed him again, sealing this acceptance with a kiss as he did, letting his hands tug on his jeans, pulling them down as he crouched over him, sliding them off.

“Whatever you want to call yourself is fine.” He whispered to him. “I love you no matter what.”

He then wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him up onto his lap, so he was sitting slightly above him, his bare thighs straddling Steve’s as they kissed again sweetly, the Soldier’s hands on his shoulders.

“We are Steve’s.” The Soldier whispered against his lips. “That’s what we are.”

There was something in that statement that made his heart swell to hear. Made him feel that possessiveness again, and grabbed his hips and pulled him onto him, pushing all the way inside as he did. The Soldier moaned, wrapping his hands around Steve’s neck and kissed him deeply. His hair tickled Steve’s face, metal fingers digging into his neck and they were off. Bodies thrusting against each other, lips crashing together, fingers digging into flesh right there, out in the open.

It was, as always, intense and unabashed lovemaking at its finest.

When they were done, they were both spent, laying there with the blanket wrapped around them under the canopy of trees. It was just.. .perfect. They nuzzled their face against each other, hands moving over the other’s body under the blanket. After the horrible stress of the last month, Steve had never felt more settled and content. But something still troubled him a little.

Stroking the Soldier’s face, he finally voiced it. “How long will Bucky be gone?”

“We don’t know.” The Soldier answered, his metal arm around Steve’s waist. “He didn’t say.”

He’d been gone all day so far, the longest amount of time he’d been absent lately, and that concerned Steve. He knew Bucky was still recovering for what he’d done, that he might be retreating for now, and while that was okay he supposed, he just felt that uncertainty about the length of time. Because he missed him terribly. Not that he wasn’t very satisfied with the company he had. He was just worried, so he decided to probe a little further.

“You said the memories were in the red.” Steve questioned, brushing his hair. “What does that mean?”

The Soldier seemed to think about this a minute before answering. “When Bucky hurts someone it’s red in his head.” He explained, his head resting on his flesh arm. “It’s how he remembers it and… he doesn’t like it.” His blue eyes met Steve’s again. “Scares him.”

Steve had an inkling he understood this. Bucky had talked about the red and the black before. The black was darkness and he seemed to recall Bucky had hinted the red was anger. Rage more specifically. He’d even used these colors in his darker paintings as well. He had seen the fear behind his eyes when he’d talk about it. He was terrified of himself. Of that deep rage lurking inside him still.

“What about you?” Stee asked curiously, continuing to brush his hair. “Do you see the red too?”

“We didn’t.” The Soldier answered, looking a bit ashamed of this. “Kills were just missions…. We… didn’t feel anything..” He shifted his eyes away. “But we… do now… feels bad.”

Steve wrapped his arms around him, holding him close as if to comfort him. Bucky’s remorse was seeping into the Soldier’s consciousness more and more. He was starting to understand the things he did were bad now. That he had been used to do them. He felt the metal clutch Steve’s back tightly as he buried his face into his chest.

“They made you do those things.” He said into his hair as he held him. “You didn’t have a choice. You or Bucky.”

The Soldier nodded against his chest but didn’t reply, just wanting to curl up in Steve’s arms for now. And that was perfectly fine. He nuzzled that brown hair, thinking of how the Soldier’s pain was coming from Bucky, how they bled into each other all the time. All he wanted to do was make them both better, but knew that would take time. And time was something they had now. He would make sure of it.

“None of those things were ever your fault.” He continued to assure him. “Nothing they made you do was ever your fault.”

“The bad men hurt us and Bucky hurt them.” The Soldier said into his neck. “Why does he feel bad about it? We don’t… understand..”

Steve understood but knew it would be hard to explain. He wasn’t a psychiatrist. All he could understand was that Bucky had been scared of the rage he’d expressed in those situations, the ‘red’ as he called it. There was more to it he knew, parts of the story Bucky simply couldn’t or wouldn’t share with him. And he didn’t have to. The Soldier might, if asked but Steve wasn’t sure it was right to ask. To take advantage of that honesty and need to please.

“Bucky feels bad because he wasn’t like them.” He explained as best he could. “That’s why you feel bad now too..” He lifted his chin to look in his eyes. “It hurts because you’re not bad like them.”

The Soldier seemed to contemplate this for a moment before lifting his metal arm to Steve’s face and pulling him to him to kiss him. Steve pulled his body closer, kissing him deeper in response as they shifted under the blanket, the Soldier’s naked lower half stirring Steve’s body again causing him to press into him and nuzzle his neck a little as a result.

“You tell Bucky that too..” Steve whispered in his ear as he pulled his hips against him again. “No matter what you did.. you were never like them.”

Their lips met again before slid himself down under the blanket, lavishing attention his lower body at he did. Pressing his face into his stomach as those metal fingers curled into his hair. He let his hands roam over those perfect hips and thighs, pulling his body slightly against him and biting down softly on his hip under the blanket.

It’s my turn to take care of you now.” He whispered to him, lifting his body up slightly. “To take care of you both.”

Turning him over onto his stomach he did just that, the blanket over them both. H took good care of him just like that before sliding up behind him and wrapping him up from behind, burying his face in that soft brown hair, fingers entwining with those metal ones as they rest on his stomach.

And they took a restful nap there, spooned up together next to the lake, in the shadow of the mountains. Having never left their property either. It was all good.

\--

The Soldier was surprised when he woke up still there. It was troubling.

As they were walking back, he started contemplating Bucky’s absence a bit, because frankly he wasn’t used to having this much time like this. Not that he was unhappy about it mind you, he loved his time with Steve, but it felt strange. Because he hadn’t felt a whiff of Bucky in awhile.

He had his metal hand clasped in Steve’s as they walked, looking over at him every so often, having a hard time believing now that he’d tried to kill him before. Several times actually. Those actions seemed far away and foreign now to him. Now he wouldn’t even consider hurting him at all. And would kill anyone who tried to. And it was not programmed loyalty like before, because Steve was not a commanding officer or a master. Steve was lover, a husband and demanded nothing from him. Had just asked for his love and gotten it.

They stopped for a moment on the edge of the sand that went straight to the water, and Steve turned to him, kissing the fingers of the metal hand as he did. He lingered on the finger with the ring on it as he took the other one and the Soldier watched this with fascination. No one had ever been this gentle with him before.

But he could still that concern in his eyes as well, that worry for Bucky. And the Soldier was feeling it too. “Bucky’s still not here.” He said to him. “We don’t know where he is.” He bit his lip as Steve looked at him over his fingers. “We can’t find him.”

Steve put his hands on his face and leaned their heads together. “He’s there somewhere.. I know he is.”

The Soldier was searching for him still, sending out signals through his head. Bucky just wasn’t answering that’s all. Like he didn’t want to be found. So he closed his eyes, and wrapped his hands around Steve’s arms, pushing himself further into his head and calling out, desperate for a response. It was scaring him that he wasn’t getting one even though he sensed him in there.

He then heard a voice, barely above a whisper _You deserve to be there more than I do.._ it said with a tone of sadness _It’s your time Soldier not mine._

Everything in the Soldier’s being told him this was not true at all. That Bucky didn’t do anything wrong like Steve had said. So why was he punishing himself like this? The Soldier didn’t quite understand these types of emotions, but he was beginning to. Steve and the nice lady Bucky went to see sometimes had explained in ways he was starting to understand. That he felt guilty for the things he had to do, which the Soldier really didn’t understand. Because they had been made to do it.

_Steve says it not our fault_… he sent back. _He wants you here too.. He loves us._

There was some silence from Bucky for a moment after that, but he felt his presence a little stronger now. Not fully back but close enough to almost share his thoughts now. He could feel Steve’s hands on his face, feel the wind blowing his hair around his fingers. Hear the sound of the water and the rustling of the trees. He knew Bucky could her and feel these things too.

“Bucky?” Steve asked, close tohis ear. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Hands on his face now tangling in his hair as it blew around. “Why are you staying away?”

Bucky for his part had, and was always, peripherally aware of everything going one, but had the capability of hiding his presence when need be. He didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to talk about the tremendous amount of guilt that was raging through him now that he was in the quiet and resting finally. The pain was coming on full force now, the knowledge of what he was capable of. The wounds the Agent had opened up in that field, and over the course of the time he’d tormented him.

It was all drenched in red. The memory of killing of those men in that horrible room. Of what he’d done to the Colonel in his chambers. Of the spray of blood as he’d cut the Agent’s throat. Those were not the calculated actions of a brainwashed Soldier, but pure rage and anger of a tormented monster. He was just… terrified of it.

“Come back and talk to me Bucky.” He heard Steve say, pulling him more forward in spite of his resistance. “Please.”

He opened his eyes, seeing the sun starting to set over the mountains as he did. The reflection off the lake creating that shimmering reflection. Looking everywhere but at Steve at that moment. But he could feel his hands on his face and knew it was inevitable he’d have to look at him.

“I can’t.” He said finally, swallowing hard. “I don’t’ know how..”

“Yes you do.” Steve answered, one of his thumbs stroking his face. “You’re just scared and that’s okay.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, his arms tightening around Steve’s arms. Wrapping around them like a snake around a tree branch. How could he tell him what he was really thinking? That he was unworthy. Undeserving. How could he say any of it? He’d said it before, so many times in so many ways. Steve had rebuked him every time and it hadn’t made a difference in his head.

“He deserves you more than I do.” He confessed to him, his voice choking a little. “He’s getting better I’m not… “ He met his yes finally. “I’m the broken one Steve… I’m the monster not him.. “

Steve looked at him almost angrily. “Stop that now.”

“Why.. it’s true.” He said as he pulled back a little. “He just did what he was told but me… I ripped those men apart and I enjoyed it.” He let go of Steve’s arms and stepped back. “The Colonel should’ve died after what I did to him..”

“Listen to me Bucky.” Steve said adamantly, putting his hands back on his face. “They hurt you so much and you reacted.. you fought back, that doesn’t make you a monster.”

All he could see was the blood every time he thought of it. The killing the other night had brought it back and the nightmares he’d been having since had been graphic reliving’s of all of it all. The smell of the blood would fill his nose and when he’d wake up, he’d feel it on his skin and taste it in his mouth, and have to throw up. But that wasn’t all of it, there was that other thing too. That guilt. Not over killing them, or the Agent. It was a different kind of guilt that he hadn’t been able to eradicate.

“I couldn’t handle it Steve.” He told him, his eyes big and haunted. “I couldn’t take what they were doing to me and I just… left him to take it.. let them abuse and rape him and… I just hid in my head…” He just shook all over and not from the breeze. “Its why I… go away because he deserves it more than me.. after how I let him be treated.. after he protected me by doing those things… for me.”

He had come to see the Soldier as a separate part of himself and felt a hatred toward himself for letting that part of him take all that. For letting that part of him do all the things he couldn’t stomach himself. Retreating farther into his head until he was just an observer. Not even strong enough to protest. A weak voice that only spoke up once in a while. Who, until they saw Steve that day, hadn’t even tried to tell him there was another way. That they once had a different life. He buried this guilt under everything else, trying to pretend he could be normal again. Realizing now it had manifested in many ways including the scratching he’d done to himself. The need to take out the Agent before he exposed it.

Bucky would think later that it was fitting that this confession was by the same lake where he’d broken down before. Where he’d cut his wrist in desperation. It was like full circle again.

“I cut his throat cause I wanted to not because I had to.” He said, trying to not fall apart as he did. “Because he knew what I really was..” He scrunched his face up, continuing to hold it in. “That I don’t… deserve any of this.”

Steve got a hard look in his eyes at that and gripped his shoulders tightly. “Goddammit get over yourself Buck.” He told him in a forceful, commanding voice. “You went through fucking hell so stop hating on yourself for how you survived it.”

Bucky looked in his eyes, remembering what Amelia had told him more than once. _You did want you had to do to survive and you have to learn to forgive yourself for that.._ And he knew they both were right. The things that he was letting hurt him the most were things he’d had to do just to get through it. To survive. And the way he reacted to it all. To extraordinary circumstance that had been completely beyond his controls. He realized in that in a lot of ways, his self-loathing came more from surviving what he’d been through than anything else. That the pain he could inflict one himself was worse than anything they’d done to him.

And worse, how much he’d put Steve through as a result of all of it. It absolutely killed him thinking of it.

“I’m sorry.” He choked out, gripping Steve’s shirt and butting his head against his shoulder. “I’m weak and I’m so sorry.”

Steve didn’t answer, just wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to him. Bucky didn’t resist this at all, just let himself be folded up in his arms. He still gripped his shirt tightly and pressed his face more into his shoulder, shaking the pain out. He could feel one of Steve’s hands on the back of his head and the other around his back. Could hear the water still lapping on the shore nearby. The sounds of boats in the water and the light breeze in his hair.

“You’re not weak Buck..” Steve said to him in soft voice. “You’re the strongest person I know and you have nothing to apologize for.”

Bucky scrunched his face up painfully at that. “You’re far too forgiving considering what I fucking put you through.”

“I signed up for this remember?” Steve reminded him, brushing his hair gently. “And will forgive you anything expect hurting yourself.” He titled his chin up to look at him. “I can’t take that laying down and I won’t.”

He felt tears squeezing out of his eyes at that. Feeling the urge, the need to just confess everything He could. To just get as much of it out as possible all at once. To clear the air and Steve comfort him. Let him carry some of that load too. But another part was reluctant to. He was at war with himself, feeling like he already admitted too much at it was. He lifted his eyes tolooked up into those sky-blue as the sun disappeared behind the mountains finally.

He didn’t feel strong at that moment. Not at all.

“Take me home.” He said quietly to him, leaning his head against his. “Please.”

Steve put his hands on his face and kissed his head gently. “Okay.”

An arm was wrapped around his waist, and Bucky was grateful for that, because quite honestly, he wasn’t sure he could fully walk on his own. His legs felt a bit weak under him. He leaned his head against Steve’s shoulder, almost as if seeking shelter from anyone who might pass by and see him like this. He was too vulnerable, too raw to be seen right now.

He needed to be in their new home, in Steve’s arms with his cat on his lap. Throwing any sense of stubborn pride away and just wanting to be taken care of right now. To hide from the world until he felt strong again.

\--

They needed a little more firewood so Steve pulled some inside, putting it in the fireplace before turning and seeing Bucky sitting with Arya on the couch. He watched him pet her, the way the little cat touched his nose with her paw as he petted her, and then walked back and forth on his lap. He smiled and lit the fireplace before dimming the lights in the room and joining them.

Bucky’s hair was hanging loosely in his face, the firelight reflecting his eyes. He looked hauntingly beautiful in the firelight, especially when he lifted those teal blue eyes to look up at him as Steve sat down in front of them.

“Can’t believe you chopped all that damn wood punk.” He observed, a cute smile on his face. “It did make for great viewing I have to admit.”

Steve reached out and pushed some of his hair behind his ear. “Glad you enjoyed the show jerk.” He told him, and let his finger trail over his chin. “You okay?”

“You mean after my little meltdown?” Bucky asked sarcastically. “Just peachy.”

“It’s okay to not be okay Buck.” He said to him, keeping his tone soft. “You know that right?”

Bucky just chuckled hollowly at that. “I know it just seems like I’m never okay that’s all.”

Even when he’d break down, he’d do his best to hold himself together. It had been a habit as long as Steve had known him. Trying to keep the brave face in spite of everything coming apart inside. They had both sort grown up like that and he understood the mentality. To be a man and always internalize it all. And to keep pushing the pain back into the cracks whenever it leaked out.

He remembered him out there, his face crumbling as he struggled to hold it together. Admitting his reasons for giving the Soldier more and more time out. _He deserves you more than I do…He’s getting better I’m not… _There was such despair in his voice. Such a belief in his unworthiness. It had been so painful to hear that he still felt that way even after all this time.

“You will be.” Steve said softly to him. “You’re gonna feel better.”

“When?” Bucky asked, sitting back a little his eyes darting to the fire. “Cause I’m losing my damn patience with myself.”

“I don’t know Buck.” He answered honestly, gently turning his face back to look at him. “But we got all the time in world.” He smiled, letting his fingers gently brush his hair. “So there’s no rush.”

He saw Bucky’s eyes do a little flicker before picking up Arya with his metal arm and laying down in Steve’s lap, facing the fire. Steve sat there like that, just brushing his brown hair in a comforting way. Giving him to space to talk or not to talk. Whatever he wanted right now.

“I keep… dreaming about it.” He said after a while, not looking up. “About what I did to the Colonel and the others.” He seemed to shift slightly on his lap, pulling his legs up as he lay there with Arya. “He.. brought it up before I killed him.. he brought a lot of things up.”

“Like what?” He asked very carefully, not sure whether he would tell him or not.

“Just… things.” Was his answer as he wrapped an arm around Steve’s thigh. “Things I can’t talk about..” He saw him look up out of the corner of his eyes. “But… maybe he can.”

“You mean the Soldier?” Steve asked, although he already knew the answer. “Why?”

“Because it’s… easier for him.” Bucky answered, burying his face in Steve’s leg. “He’s not held down by all this shit you know? He just.. tells it like it is.”

Steve nodded to himself, knowing how true this was. The Soldier had an easier time articulating a story because he didn’t always understand the complicated emotions involved. He was more innocent in that sense, which was always a strange thing considering how violent he’d been. He was sort of like a feral child in that way, still learning how to be a functioning person. And that seemed to engender a lot of protectiveness from anyone who got to know him.

“You were him most of the day today.” Steve reminded him. “And he didn’t say anything.”

“It’s because I didn’t let him.” Bucky explained. “But if you ask him again maybe I will.”

Steve brushed his hair gently, pushing it back from his face, just wishing he could see it more from this angle. “I understand you want to give him time to make up for something but..” He started and paused, trying to find the right words for this. “Sometimes it feels like you’re hiding… like you’re avoiding it all.”

“That’s cause I am.” Bucky admitted, surprising Steve by not being defensive about this. “It’s easier to be him right now.. it hurts a lot less.”

This admission was a bit painful, but it was more honest than had been in a while. It was progress. He could now just see his eyes after smoothing some of his hair back. Could see the fire reflecting off them. They seemed far away, as if he was searching his head, and not caring for what he saw there.

“Well I got enough time with him today.” He told him, seeing his eyes flick his way. “I wanna spend some time with you now.”

Bucky turned slightly on his leg so he was looking up at Steve now. “Are you sur cause I’m not as fun as he is right now punk just so you know.”

“You need to stop talking like that you hear me?” Steve said in a firm voice. “Acting like I’d rather be with him.. because it isn’t true and you know it.”

He watched Bucky’s eyes shift slightly as he just stared up at him for a moment. He then sort of shifted Arya a little and sat back up so they were face to face again. “What I mean is… I’m a mess right now.” He answered finally, biting his lip a little. “And he’s… much better to be with right now that’s all.”

Steve turned and put his hands on Bucky’s face, pulling him closer. “Stop…”

He didn’t let him answer that, just kissed him then, digging his fingers into his hair to hold him to him. Wrapping his other arm around his waist to pull him onto his lap. He could feel some stiffness, some hesitation on Bucky’s part but then his body relaxed, his hands grabbing onto Steve’s shirt firmly as they shifted on the couch a little so that Steve could lay him on his back and press him into the coach.

“Whatever you are right now I’m okay with.” He whispered to him as he pulled his lips away. “Because I love you no matter what jerk.” 

“You’re hopeless punk..” Bucky answered, his metal hand wrapped around Steve’s neck. “And I swear to God if you say it I’ll…”

Steve didn’t quite let him finish what he was going to say, kissing him again and cutting off his words. They just started pulling at each other’s clothes in that clumsy stupid way. Laughing a little when they knocked some shit off the coffee table as a result. Neither one of them wanted to be half-dressed this time. They wanted all the clothes off and fumbled around until they succeeded, bodies completely naked save for some jewelry. No blanket covering required either. The heat from the fire warming their skin just fine.

Steve raised himself on his elbows and rubbed his nose against Bucky’s, the latter’s legs hugging his hips. Not connecting yet but just letting the intimacy of the skin on skin contact roll over them. His hand found Bucky’s tags and he ran his thumb over the raised letters, Bucky’s metal fingers in his hair, combing through it. He looked up, seeing the fire reflecting in those beautiful eyes and lighting the highlights in hie brown hair. Thinking how beautiful he looked like this. Even as troubled as he was, he was stunning. He let the tags slide through his fingers and then buried his face into the scar tissue on his shoulder. He was in no hurry right now. Taking things as slowly as possible.

“I love it here..” Bucky breathed into his ear, metal fingers fisting Steve’s hair. “Just so you know..”

“I’m glad.” Steve answered, his face buried in that place where metal met flesh. “It’s all for you..” He pressed himself more against him, causing Bucky to whine softly. “I’d do anything for you… anything..”

He couldn’t hold himself back much longer he knew, but tried anyways. Even though the feel of that perfect body pressed against his was causing a painful ache that there was only one cure for. He pressed his face more into the scar tissue and ran his hands up and down Bucky’s body. Could hear the soft moans in his ears and those metal fingers flexing into his hair.

“Why you always gotta tease me like this punk?” Bucky breathed in his ear. “It’s not nice.”

Steve pushed his face a little more under the metal part of his shoulder to that really sensitive skin. “Because I like so savor you sometimes jerk.” His whispered to him, hand sliding around his thigh. “We got all night after all.”

His lips then found his again, kissing him deeply and pressing him more into the soft couch. Letting his body slip more between Bucky’s open legs, he then grabbed his hips tightly and pushed himself in, giving him a few seconds before they began rocking against each other. Bucky’s metal hand flexed in his hair and the other one gripped his back, responding to every thrust., his knees hugging Steve’s hips like a vice. The only sound were the crackle of the fire and their soft moans.

Sweet and slow they went while their cat slept in proto-typical cat style right by the fire, oblivious to all of it.

\--

Bucky lay between Steve and couch like he liked to do, his lips nuzzling his neck. Both were completely naked, the warmth of the fire keeping their now cooling bodies warm. Bucky could hear the crackle of the wood in his ears, could smell that distinct smell of a wood fireplace. He could see the mountains out the window over Steve’s shoulder and thought this could not be more perfect.

He could stay a while. A long time he thought. Right here in the mountains away from everyone and everything.

“Maybe we should stay here through our anniversary.” He mused against Steve’s neck. “Hell how about through the holidays even.”

“Sounds like a plan jerk.” Steve answered, his hand sliding over Bucky’s hip and up his side. “Anything you want.”

Bucky smiled, lifting his head and resting it on his metal arm. “You’re too good to me punk.”

“You deserve the world Buck.” Steve told him, titling his chin up to kiss him. “And don’ argue with me about that ever again you hear me?”

Looking into his eyes he knew he wasn’t going to argue about this anymore. It was pointless. He hated that he felt like that inside still. Not feeling like he deserved any of this. Knowing that at least admitting that earlier was a step in the right direction. And the wanting to confess was as well. Although he couldn’t quite bring himself to pull any of that real shit out. But laying like this, completely naked, intimate both emotionally and physically, he could feel himself opening up inside. As much sex as they had sometimes, they hadn’t just… lain like this in awhile and part of him knew it was purposeful. And he was okay with that. Okay with feeling safe enough to be vulnerable like this.

“Wouldn’t dream of it Rogers.” He said after a few moments. “Pointless to argue with you anyways.” He then nuzzled Steve’s face affectionately. “Cause you’re kind of a stubborn idiot like that.”

Steve wrapped his arm tight around his back at that kissed his head. “That may be… but I’m your idiot.”

“Damn right you are.” He agreed, tucking his face under his chin again. “Don’t you ever forget it.”

Bucky lay like that, feeling Steve’s heart beating against his own chest, his sweet intake of breath, so strong and clear as he buried his face more into his neck. A dark, warm place that smelled like home. He let his fingers dig into his back as he took a deep inhale of what he knew was his and always would be. He never wanted to move from this spot, this safe place where none of the monster in his head could ever touch him.

His mind was, as always, somewhat tumultuous though still. He wanted to tell him, needed to but he was still afraid to. What he’d said earlier had just spilled out when he was still in transition from the Soldier. When he had little control over what he said. But now he was raw, vulnerable and needed his help. Needed support and protection.

But he needed a way in to get there because starting was the hardest thing. And then Steve gave him a window of sorts. An opening, so he pushed that door open further and let it out into the light.

“You should try and get some sleep.” Steve said into his hair. “You haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, tightening his arm around him. “I don’t want to.” He mumbled into his neck. “I’m scared to.”

“What are you scared of?” Steve asked, stroking his hair comfortingly. “Tell me.”

“The red.” Bucky admitted, shivering a little and curling into Steve a little more. “I keep seeing it all and it’s red..”

Steve’s other arm went around his waist, holding him close now. “What’s red?”

“The blood.” He told him, fingers flexing more into his back. “It got all over me when I… killed them.. and it was in my head this… boiling red heat… it’s all I could see.”

He knew he wasn’t just talking about blood and knew Steve would know that too. The memories were colored in red because of that hot rage he’d felt then. Not on missions, those were cool and calculated by the Soldier, the kills he was talking about were the ones he perpetuated on his tormentors. 3 of whom he’d killed, and one he by all rights should have. He flinched and tucked his head more into Steve’s neck remembering the way the blood had coated him, how he must’ve looked like a monster out of some horror movie when he was done.

“Before I killed him he asked me about it.” He confessed to Steve finally. “Asked how it felt when I… cut him up and the truth was… I enjoyed it.. I enjoyed hurting him like that.. cutting him to pieces and making him scream like he made me… and that… that really scares me.” He squeezed his eyes shut tight against Steve’s neck. “I feel like a damn monster.”

“You’re not.” Steve said softly into his hair. “They hurt you and you fought back that doesn’t make you a monster.”

“But what about… him?” Bucky asked. “I just… cut his throat because he… he was there and… he… he saw it..” He felt himself shake more in his arms. “I just wanted to shut him up because he kept…. Asking me what I felt about that and… and…”

He felt Steve press his lips to his head. “And what?”

He didn’t want to say it, to bring himself back full circle to when he was first here. To talk about the low moments when he wanted to die. But if he was going to bleed this wound, he knew he had to. As much as hurt to remember how that had felt.

“How I felt when I cut my wrist that time.” He confessed, flexing said hand against Steve’s back. “How it felt like to want to die like that.” He shook his head under Steve’s chin. “I didn’t tell him… that was mine and he had no right to it.”

Unless you’d felt that way it was hard to understand. And Bucky sure as hell did want to try and describe that despair to someone like that. To fuel his thirst for human emotion. It was so deeply personal that there were few people he would share that with. And he was in the arms of one right now.

“I wouldn’t tell him it wasn’t the first time I tried.” He continued, just letting it spill out. “But it was the last.. it was the last time I swear.”

Steve just held him and didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. Just being held like that was enough. And Bucky didn’t want to say anymore anyways. He’d hinted at the times when he’d try to strangle himself on the chain in his cell or slam his head into the wall. To just end it right there, only to be saved by his captors for more misery. Or the times he’d considered while on his own. That was the blackest of despair, counter-pointed by the red of his anger when he’d lash out at them. Like he had again with the Colonel in the tunnel. And the other day when he killed the Agent.

Burying it all under layers of pain. It had been easy to become the Soldier. To not feel any of that at all.

He just wanted to shake all this out like a fever that needed to break so he could be free of it. So he did his best to do just that, letting those horrid memories pass through his mind so he could shake them off. Cast them out. Just trying to drain that red out of him.

“I hated myself and I wanted to die every day I was there.” He admitted, feeling tears squeeze out of his eyes. “And he knew that and that’s why I killed him..”

With that admission he was able to let it all go, and cried into Steve’s shoulder. Which was always a safe place to do it. His body hitched with raw, painful sobs, that felt like a relief to do. By the time he was done, his body hitching every so often, he felt so raw he still wouldn’t lift his head, just wanted to stay there. He was safe there, Steve was one of the few people allowed to ever see him like this.

He just stroked his hair and held him close. Kissing his head and rubbing his back. “It’s okay.” He whispered to him as he held him. “I got you..”

At one point there was a blanket pulled over him, encasing him even more in warmth as he stayed tucked between Steve and the back of the couch. As the last of the hitches went through his body he finally looked up from his safe little cocoon, seeing Steve looking at him softly and trying to smile even though his face hurt a little.

“I hate cryin’ punk.” He said with some disdain in his voice. “Makes my face feel all puffy and shit.”

Steve smiled and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “Yeah but you’re still damn beautiful jerk.”

That actually made him laugh, which hurt his face a little. “I could roll in filth for 3 days straight and you’d think I was beautiful you dork.” He said shaking his head. “I look and feel like shit.”

Steve rolled his eyes and kissed him again, more soundly this time, his hand fisting his hair gently as he did. Bucky felt another hitch go through his body as he was kissed like this, feeling all loose and untethered inside, and grabbed onto Steve’s arm, letting a soft whine escape as he did.

“No matter what you look like or what you tell me about yourself I’m gonna love you jerk.” He declared to him as he pulled his lips away to look in his eyes. “That’s never gonna change so just accept it.” Those fingers gently brushed his hair back again as he held his face to his. “I took you for better or worse remember? And I always keep my promises.”

Bucky closed his eyes, leaning his face against Steve’s. “Dammit punk you’re gonna make cry again stop it.”

Steve just pulled him closer to him under the blanket. “Never jerk… never.”

Bucky tucked his head back under Steve’s chin again and took a shuddering breath. “God I just… fucking love you so damn much.”

Closing his eyes, he felt relieved, unburdened. Like he could sleep for days now and maybe he would. Could already feel that tiredness creeping over him, being lulled to sleep by the sound of the crackling fire and the wind rustling the curtains. The sound of quiet. Of peace, not just outside but in his mind again. Of knowing he was truly healing now and letting himself finally be patient with the process.

Bucky curled up and fell asleep right then and there and slept for a while too. Deep and restful. A peace in the arms of the one he loved, surrounded by warmth and safety.

He didn’t completely stay asleep all night though, hearing a voice whisper deep in his head that it was time.. and he knew what that voice meant too. Upon waking he had something to do. Something very important, but nor now, he rested comfortably.

\--

He did sleep for a very long time actually without waking. Every so often Steve would tilt his face up and trail his hand over it.. He looked so raw and vulnerable, but peaceful at the same time. Finally letting his exhausted mind rest a real, healing way finally, now that he had unburdened himself of something heavy. Had opened up and let him back in to that deeper part of him.

It was a lot of progress, a huge step forward in his recovery he knew.

Steve rested his chin back on top of Bucky’s head and just held him like that, brushing his hair and stroking his back. Keeping points of contact so that if he did have a nightmare, he knew he was there. But right now, Bucky seemed to be sleeping soundly. Which was a good thing. When he did get restless, it wasn’t for long, he settled quickly again.

As always Steve allowed himself to think a little. About how Bucky had talked about the ‘red’ finally. Letting that out and his fear over it. And about what had happened here several years ago on this very lake. They didn’t talk about it much but Steve had remembered how it had been a turning point in Bucky’s recovery, in spite of how painful it had been at the time. Seeing him sitting there on the floor with a bleeding wrist, crying onto his shoulder and apologizing.

He’d gotten help after that, reached out to Sam and had found Amelia, which started this very long road to recovery. One that was still in progress for them both. Steve had grown over the years too, trying to learn patience himself and how to navigate Bucky’s tricky mind.

Which had included dealing with and wining over the Solider as well. Loving him had added such a new element to their relationship. And if he tried to explain it to anyone outside their circle of friends he’d have sounded nuts. Accepting and having a relationship with sides of the same mind. If someone had told him he’d be in the position he was in now even 5 years ago he wouldn’t have believed it.

But he accepted and loved Bucky exactly the way he was, split in half and sometimes a bit unstable but still in many ways, the same person he’d fallen in love with so long ago. He buried his face in his hair and smiled, just grateful to have him at all. He’d take him any way he could get him honestly.

“Steve?” He heard him ask, sleepily nuzzling his neck.

“I’m right here Buck..” He told him as he stroked his hair. “Go back to sleep.”

“Bucky is asleep.” Was the response he got on that. Which almost sounded sassy.

Steve smiled, knowing he should’ve known this. The Soldier sometimes came back in his old haunts, like when Bucky slept. “Hey you.” He whispered to him, tilting his chin up to look at him. “Been seeing a lot of you today.” He rubbed their noses together cutely. “Not that I’m complaining of course.”

“We like waking up like this.” The Soldier said, looking around and then smiling back at him. “With Steve.”

Steve did remember that they were still naked and wondered what it must be like for the Soldier to just wake like this. For Bucky to just wake up like this, because he did sometimes. And realized it was probably nothing new for either of them. They were very adaptable as a matter of survival. So he just kept brushing his hair nuzzling his face to ease the transition again.

“I am glad he’s sleeping.” He told him. “He needs his rest.” He looked in the curious eyes of the Soldier. “Is he okay now?”

“He’s better.” The Soldier said, almost as if he was looking inside as he said this. “We both are.” He leaned his face against Steve’s again. “Now that the secrets are out.” He then looked sad, his eyes lowering. “It hurt us to keep them in.”

Steve knew he wasn’t just talking about himself he was talking about both of them. It had put on strain on both sides. The Soldier did look relieved himself and it wasn’t surprising. Sometimes it was easy to forget they were the same person, just split in two. They felt each other’s pain often. He ran his hand over his shoulder comfortingly and then kissed his head again.

“You feel better too don’t you?” He asked him. “Now that they’re out.”

The Soldier nodded and looked back up at him. “Don’t like to keep things from Steve.”

Steve folded him in his arms at that, feeling the Soldier tuck his own in between them to in effort to be held. “I know why you did and it’s okay.” He reassured him. “I’m not mad.”

“They hurt us… made us bleed.. made us scream.” The Soldier said against his shoulder. “So Bucky hurt them.. made them bleed and scream… so they wouldn’t hurt us like that again.”

Steve pressed his face into his hair as he held him. “He was the one that did it not you.”

“Yes.” The Soldier answered. “He protected and we protected him.”

For some reason, in spite of the horrors he’d been through, it did give Steve comfort to know that much. That even if the other part of him was a result of trauma it had protected him from the worst of it. That he wasn’t really alone, even if he thought he was crazy sometimes, there was someone else that looked out for him. He thought Bucky’s mind was quite an amazing thing, it had had helped him survive a horrible situation, and brought him back to him by keeping that part of him alive deep inside. It was extraordinary really.

“I’m glad you had each other.” Steve whispered into hair. “I love you both so much.”

The Soldier lifted his head and smiled at him beautifully. “And we love our Steve.”

Wrapping his hand around the Soldier’s head he kissed him softly, a sweet loving one that didn’t have to go anywhere at all. He pulled his lips away and just starred into his eyes, seeing both of them there in that look before the Soldier tucked his head back under his chin again,

“How about you get some sleep too.” He suggested, rubbing bis hip under the blanket. “You’re gonna need it too.”

He felt his neck being nuzzled sweetly. “Why?”

Steve picked up his chin one more time to look in his eyes. “Because we are going to have a ton of fun here.” He told him, smiling broadly. “You me and Bucky are gonna be here a while.” He then heard a little meow and saw Arya getting comfortable at his feet. “And you too Princess how could we forget you?”

Arya blinked as if satisfied and he looked back at the Soldier, whose face looked bright, yet tired. “Stay here?”

“Uh huh.” Steve reiterated, kissing his nose causing it to wrinkle cutely. “We’re gonna live here for a while and we got a lot to do.” He wrapped his hand around his head again and kissed it. “So get some sleep Soldier.. It’s all gonna be alright.”

The Soldier smiled and tucked his head back in again. “We like it here.” He added. “Quiet.”

He curled back up under the blanket and Steve wrapped him up tight. Without another word he seemed to fall asleep contentedly. And stayed asleep. Steve watched him for a little while himself, thinking about all the plans he had for him. All the things were going to do here while in this season of rest. And finally letting himself sleep as well as the fire slowly burned out in the fireplace. Feeling at peace himself with the cat curled up at their feet, purring away happily.

After a little bit he woke up with the sensation that Bucky wasn’t there anymore. How he’d pulled himself out of his arms and off the couch without waking him was a mystery he may never solve. And for a moment he was worried thinking he maybe had a nightmare and was sick again, but when he looked around he didn’t have to look far to find him.

He was standing, silhouette by the fire in the fireplace. Still naked and just standing there staring into as if mesmerized. He looked beautiful standing there, like something out of painting, every muscle in his back defined by light and shadow and his hair almost lit up like corona. Stee couldn’t help but stare for a minute before recovering himself.

“Bucky?” He called out, sitting up. “You alright?”

He didn’t answer at first just stood there a little longer before replying. “I will be..”

Getting up off the couch, Steve walked over and put his hands around his waist to look over his shoulder., and saw something in his hands. Something very familiar to him and not for good reasons. The red book, the one that had caused all the trouble and yet had save his life as well. He’d brought it with him, and something was dawning on Steve at that point. Something profound.

“Why you bring that?” He asked, although he thought he knew the answer.

“Cause it’s time to get rid of it.” Bucky replied, his eyes reflecting firelight. “No reason to keep it anymore.” He looked over his shoulder at Steve, looking pained but determined. “And it’s… as good a time as any.”

He was still hesitating a little Steve could see, and he understood why. Because it was the end of something, but the beginning of something else and beginnings were always hard. It wasn’t going to magically fix him, only time could do that, if at all, but it was a step in that direction.

Steve nuzzled his neck softy, comfortingly and put his hand on the metal one, which was holding the object in question. “Do you need me to help you?” He asked into his ear. “Or not.”

“I can do it but I just.. “ Bucky started, and seemed to take a shuddering breath. “Just need you here that’s all.”

“Well that I can do jerk.” He assured him, wrapping his other arm around his waist. “I’ll be right here okay?”

“Thanks punk.” He heard Bucky say and saw a soft smile on his face. “Let’s have a little campfire and exorcise this bitch shall we?” He opened it up and tore a page out. “I got a life to live.”

Steve smiled at that, it sounded so typically Bucky to say. He hoped that sassiness would come back completely. That mischievous nature that had been sidelined by this latest trauma. That he would rise from the ashes of this and be stronger.

“Yeah.” He answered and held him tight. “Yeah.. you got a lot of life to live.”

And with that he watched him start tossing pages into the fire, burning them away. Fire was purification after all and Steve was happy to stand here all night and watch that shit burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry once again for the lateness but life has been chaotic here so I've been distracted. But it in a strange way it helped me to write so just wanted to add that. 
> 
> Anyways so this chapter was meant to be a bit quiet and melancholy, sort like what happens when shock wears off completely and you're left with the aching pain. As is true of any wound, physical or mental, it's only when you stop to rest that it really starts to plague you and this what happens to Bucky. 
> 
> His usual self-doubt kicks on him and he believes honestly that the Soldier may deserve more of the 'good things' than he does because of what he remembers, and the fact that he can't seem to repair himself. He has little patience with himself as we know. So he runs away in the easiest way possible, which is to hide in his mind as a result. Telling himself to make up for letting the Soldier be hurt so much but it's mostly because he feels undeserving, like a monster. These are the things the Agent stirred up with his poking in his mind and it's gonna take a bit put it back together like he was before it all. 
> 
> Bucky may still not be able to tell Steve certain things but he knows he can tell him enough of it and realizes it's not gonna change anything there. That he can be that vulnerable here, that its safe, so hence a lot of being undressed and talking like that, because I believe they have their best conversations in those intimate moments in between. 
> 
> And skinny dipping at night is always fun too, and it's a preview of Bucky sort of getting his mischievous mojo back because he's been so worn down emotionally lately that he's neglected his fun side. It's coming back folks no worries there. Should subtitle the next chapter 'how Bucky got his groove back' lol but I digress. 
> 
> The book burning at the end felt right, like the right time to get it started and it will continue by starting out the next chapter as well, because it's a significant moment for him in many ways. 
> 
> All I will say about the next chapter is that it's actually got a title to it, which is unusual for me as you know, but it came it to me. It's going to be called 'Phoenix' and I'll let you figure what that means.. otherwise the contents i'm not going to divulge because they are going to be interesting and fun. And I will say this fic will probably end at 42, seems like a good number. But that won't mean I'm done writing just yet... :p
> 
> Anyways thank you for the reviews, they mean a lot to me, especially with the stuff I have going on family wise right now so I'm very grateful for all the love and right back at all of you <3<3<3<3<3 and *hugs8* 
> 
> PS this is probably my shortest notes ever but I think I covered everything, will have much more to say next time promise :)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay there was the first one Constant Reader (a little nod to my favorite author) and as you can see it starts out a few months after the last fic. I wanted to give that year off so to speak and for Bucky it was mostly a good year but his triggers are going off again. 
> 
> I like to show normalcy and domesticity because it's important to them both, but especially for Bucky, who needs stability more than anything. Obviously having to pick up and leave for Germany (and I am sorry if I spelled the airport name wrong I'm a stupid American lol) but it was something that was sort un-dealt with and now that he's (somewhat) stable he can finally get a little justice for the victims (and for himself too you'll see in an upcoming chapter) and deal with that. It's not pain for the sake of pain it has a purpose. 
> 
> I was informed by a reader of the fact that I am doing a good job showing the realities of people suffering from mental illness, especially Anxiety and PTSD related trauma and I want to continue that because it is a serious issue that affects so many people. And to show there is not an easy fix, that you can go for months without an incident and then have one. But you can still live and be happy too. So I really want to continue that exploration too, of not only how a person deals with it, but how people around them do too. 
> 
> And I am more than happy to provide some good smutty examples of their sometimes D/S but healthy sex life as well. The fact that they are married and have been for a while sort of ups the level of it for me and may allow for some more exploration of some of the kinks that might show up so I could have a little fun with it. 
> 
> The book and the revelation (to Bucky at least) were used as triggers in this and will play parts going forward. The sad truth is a lot of German and Nazi were recruited by Western Allies for 'strategic value' and no doubt some criminals got a pass as a result. This was done in real life without the help of Hydra infiltrating SHIELD and the justification for the betterment of the world but it's a small consolation for someone like Bucky I'm sure, who served his country and ended up be rejected and considered a traitor while someone like that got to live the remainder of his life as a 'advisor'. I did want to address that because it was mentioned several times and I often wonder how Bucky would've felt knowing that information now. Steve kept it from him for good reason but it wasn't gonna stay buried. 
> 
> The book is such a terrifying object for him, and you saw it in Civil War when Zemo brought it out during the 'interview' how terrified and helpless Bucky was upon seeing it so it's no surprise he'd have a severe reaction to it. It will featured again and eventually dealt with. 
> 
> Anyways this is just the jumping off point and I dont' want to fill it up with it because i've already went long, and trust me nots will increase as I get deeper in. But anyways enjoy :)


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